#need to control myself tho srsly

[lcftyambiticns]

🖤 BLACK HEART — what would you say is the darkest thought you've ever experienced? what do you think caused you to have that thought? have you ever planned on or fantasized about acting on it?

🌙 CRESCENT MOON — what would you say is your current biggest dream and/or career aspiration and why?

⚔️ CROSSED SWORDS — do you have any skills that you are absolutely grateful you have and that mean a lot to you? how do you usually use these skills? would they come in handy if someone you cared about was in trouble?

@undyingmedium

⚝ ╰    ‘ 𝑨𝑵𝑺𝑾𝑬𝑹𝑬𝑫 ╱ @undyingmedium

🖤 BLACK HEART: "My darkest thought? Hm. Well, I've entertained the notion of ridding myself of my dear sister a time or two. But rest assured —— nothing but idle musings. I did, however, take the initiative to have her imprisoned and exiled from Athkatla."

His sister was born a sorceress, the only one in their family who carried the gift of magic in her blood, and therefore she got ALL the attention. Even as Lorroakan began to study magic himself (in secret, of course, because magic in Athkatla is only allowed among the elite RIP), SHE was the one who garnered all the praise, constantly overshadowing his efforts. And damn, he had to WORK for things that came so effortlessly to her. Also, instead of helping her little brother out, she belittled him and put him down. Anyway ; fast forward, he gaslit, girlbossed and gatekept his way to the top of Athkatla and made sure she got imprisoned, and then banished from the city for the illegal use of magic. "YoU should be GraTeful I'vE persuaded them not to ExeCutE you." I suppose that was one of the shittiest things he did. Purely out of spite and jealousy. No ragerts tho.

🌙 CRESCENT MOON: "Since I was but a child, I have known that I was born for greatness. To rise above the rabble, to change the course of history, to be . . . feared and revered in equal measure. And mark my words, this is not a mere dream. It is my destiny."

IMMORTALITY. POWER. Possibly GODHOOD. In a dialogue he says that he knows immortality won't make him a god, but he might make a start for it eventually. Becoming immortal will give him a fix, but like an addict, he'll soon chase after an even greater rush of power and control.

⚔️ CROSSED SWORDS: "Let's just say I excel in more areas than I care to count. I am, indeed, a powerful ally ; not just because of my magical abilities —— which speak for themselves —— , but also due to the significant sway I hold in various circles."

Gaslight, girlboss, gossip, gatekeep. No but srsly, he knows how to manipulate people, he knows how to kiss ass, and he's a clever weasel. He's not even 40, he's no exceptionally talented mage (except perhaps in enchantments), yet he's clawed his way from Athkatla's slums to being Master of Ramazith's Tower. He's tricked a lot of people into actually believing he's powerful and awesome. He's that sleazy salesman who somehow managed to sell you a new dishwasher even though you don't even need one. These, uh, talents would definitely come in handy if someone he cared about was in trouble —— especially considering that he isn't just some random nobody anymore and wields considerable influence (not only in Baldur's Gate, even though word in Waterdeep has it he's a bit of a cad).

IN CHARACTER CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT QUESTIONS ( accepting )

[athyrabunlord]

DiaMari 26

“I didn’t intend to kiss you.” [Prompt List]

A/N: iirc my second ever DiaMari writing attempt? Takes place during S1ep7Words: 742 (still longer than I expected DX I cannot stop rambling)

Mari smirks, unfazed even as Dia slams her hand beside her head. The Kurosawa heiress has a way of intimidating people, whether it is through those piercing emerald eyes or her frigid expression that leaves no hint of weakness. Having known her for years though, Mari easily sees through such facade and thus stands her ground. Beneath that diamond layer, Dia is a passionate girl who tends to put others before herself.

Even now, in spite of her best attempt to appear threatening, she is only doing this out of concern for Chika’s group, for Kanan, and for Mari too.

“Just what are you trying to do, Mari-san?”

“Nothing~” The blonde tilts her head, giggling flippantly. “I should be the one asking you that, cornering me against the wall like this. Kya~ when did the little obstinate penguin grow so bold?”

Dia narrows her eyes and leans even closer. “Stop fooling around, Mari-san. I am serious.”

“It’s no joke,” Mari drops her voice, schooling her expression to match her friend’s severe one. “I will get what I want. You know I always do.”

“Why are you so stubborn? And you call me obstinate…” Dia is so close that Mari could practically feel her body warmth.

“Ara, stubborn should be a word reserved for that pigheaded old man,” Mari is long used to her personal space being invaded, usually by a certain ponytailed seaweed lover, but also she tends to invade other people’s personal space too. She giggles inwardly, tutting at Dia’s attempt to unnerve her.

Still, it’s been a long time since she gets to observe her childhood friend this closely. The manual boob-measurement aside, Dia has indeed grown so much in these two years. She’s gotten taller, perhaps the same height as Kanan, and seems to have polished a steel edge that had only been evanescent in the past.

Truly, Kurosawa Dia has blossomed into a beautiful young woman. While Mari is saddened that she wasn’t around to witness the process, she is glad to be one of the few people that Dia does not keep at arm’s length.

“You are both the same,” Dia is growling now, her clenched fist slowly raising while her right hand remains beside Mari’s head. “Stubborn, foolish, clumsy…”

“Now, now, I’m not as bad as-” Mari involuntarily flinches when Dia grips her shoulder, painfully at first, but the force lessens almost immediately. She’s seen Dia angry before, an explosive kind of anger, but not like this brewing darkness. Their proximity is starting to make her quite uncomfortable, yet she could not look away from Dia’s eyes. The whirlpool of green is drawing her in, rendering it difficult to think and maintain her confidence.

Mari enjoys tackling the unknown and would often do so with a cackling laugh. However, when it comes to her two best friends, she feels like shrinking to a shell, vulnerable and lost.

“Hey, Dia-”

Suddenly, she finds herself unable to speak, move, or even breathe. Dia is so close that she could count her long eyelashes, so close that the heiress’ mild but soothing scent of green tea fills her senses. And there is something hot and soft moving gently against her lips.

It takes her several moments to realize that Dia is kissing her.

Stunned to her core, she remains still like a statue even as Dia pulls away and opens her eyes. With those fiery green eyes are well-guarded once more, she mutters something under her breath, so quietly that Mari almost misses it. When there is no response, Dia drops her gaze awkwardly and takes her leave.

It is only upon the click of the carefully closed door that Mari snaps back to her senses. Frantic, she looks towards the door, contemplating on chasing after Dia but uncertainty roots her in place. She touches her lips with a trembling finger, as if she could feel the phantom warmth.

“I did not intend to kiss you.”

Dia’s whispered words echo in her mind, making her heart ache something fierce. She slides down against the wall and hugs her legs against her chest, suddenly feeling cold and so very alone in this spacious room.

She touches her lips again and lets out a shuddering sigh when realization sinks in.

“I did not intend to kiss you.”

Mari smiles wryly. “Well, I do.”

[amethystjewel01]

Riddle Spicy Headcanons

Why? Because fuck you lmao, let me simp eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Warning: This is legit just me simping hard on my precious boy. Very horny simpin, so mentions of bdsm and sex. Also very unprofessional writing, cause I can't rn (Why am I calling myself out like this? Aksjdkwksk eeeeeeeeeeeeeee)

Fuck where do I begin? Gooooooood

Okay okay so....collars

Collars are a fucking must, he'll put you in a specially custom made one. It would definitely be red and have some kind of heart design.

This would very well go along with some red leash/rope. Cause fuck this guy would definitely like you at his mercy

He likes the control, and would love for his little bunny to follow his rules (eeeeeeeeee)

And his rules...obviously no coming unless given permission, calling him Sir or My King, usual stuff

And if you disobey them, either on accident or you're being a brat, sever punishment

Like bitch, you're gonna fucking cry and come close to passing out from overstimulation

He's got shit to make it happen, he just hides it deep in his closet. I'm talking like a heart shaped riding crop, more rope, blindfolds, fucking vibrators. And maybe some bunny ears and tail butt plug. You name it, he's got something like it just for the sake of punishment

It would shock everyone and probably cause a massive freak out if found out. But hey, those who were very restricted turn out to be the freakiest (like meeeeeee-)

This guy can't actually go that many rounds, much to his displeasure, but that's why he has toys. So he can prolong the intimate time

But still, he will make you see so many fucking stars each time and it's hnnnnng yes

Just don't mention any of it outside the bedroom, you'll cause a mass panik and the boy will blush so red he might just combust

Punishment will probably be worth it tho huehue~

After everything you both need to clean each other up, and lots of cuddling and kisses will need fo happen

And in case the bdsm play got so intense that you're still in the mindset, he'll be extra affectionate to slowly bring you back

It's just cute honestly, so many kisses and nuzzles (god I want that-)

All in all, he's still a cutie but god damn you don't mess with the queen in the sheets- or it's off with your pleasure (ha, get it...I'm not funny I know-)

Okay I'm done, kind of short but I just had to quickly write this out and aaaaaaaaaaaaa

...

OKAY BUT SRSLY FUUUUUUUUUUCK ASKAKSJEBEIDB I LOVE HIM AND I CANT EEEEEEEEEEEEE THIS ALL STARTED CAUSE OF ONE DAMN PIC AND IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII AAAAAAAAAAAA I WANT HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIM EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE LET ME BE YOUR BUNNY PLS ASDKSNSUFBEIBDIFJEEEEEEEEE LETSJUSTGOHAMATITLIKEITSSPRINGTIMEPLSSSSSSSSSSSASDBEINEOZBDEEEEEEILY

[scerinthe]

QUEEN OF NOTHING SPOILERS AHEAD 🐍

**Beware all who enter here**

This is a shitpost. I just needed to get this out.

I want to say first that I think The Folk of The Air trilogy is amazing. It’s beyond accomplished and gets better with each reading. I already look forward to re-reading QoN. The sign of a good book is that it gives you lots to talk about and I talked about it for easily an hour with a colleague today. I loved it.

But.

Two things.

I wanted more serpent Cardan, and more Taryn.

1) A chapter perhaps devoted to Jude growing close to Cardan’s new incarnation (I love me some monster romance) where their new relationship clearly parallels their prior relationship: fear leading to desire to control or even vanquish, leading to tolerance, grudging respect, affection, love. Picture this: Jude and the serpent sleep next to one another aka spend the night together, if you will. (And don’t tell me that’s too much for YA given everything that happens in TFotA.) So that we see Jude get to the point where she knows Cardan’s soul remains, even if his body is lost - and she’s much more conflicted about the need to kill him. So that the temptation to harness him - to keep him with her for his own sake (not just to keep the peace/to keep power) - is even more poignant, and her heart bleeds *even more* when she’s faced with killing him.

2) Speaking of which - Taryn: missed opportunity with J&T comparing notes on how to kill husbands. Jk. Maybe. Srsly tho, Taryn’s pregnant. Is it Locke’s? Don’t care whose it is myself, but I wanted that referenced given that it would underscore what she went through in her married life to please Locke. Perhaps that direction *is* too much for YA - but idk, they talk openly about abortion, so why not delve deep into coercive control and abuse? Also, she’s shown herself to be as adept at scheming and self-preservation as Jude, albeit using different means: why not use that more as a resource when Jude is a vulnerable monarch, as well as have her play Martha Stewart. Although, to be fair, her candlelit throne room rocked. I just wanted more of her and Jude seeing eye-to-eye and realising how similar they’ve *always* been.

Here endeth the lesson.

[misterbitches]

- sun’s advice was terrible tho that’s y u followed ur dreams so if mork has any dreams besides being cute and confused encourage that 

i cannot express how much i enjoy their dynamic. it’s usually all the things that i think i need; someone who can keep up, who’s probably more outgoing and outwardly personable, a little older since sometimes it seems like you’re operating on 50 yr old levels of stress, and someone that will support you and make you laugh. that could give way to co-dependence but when done slowly and when you don’t have absolute insanity carried with you it’s soooo cute. 

i always love when the more quiet/reserved/probs sadder lmao person is being helped and theyre like uh no but then their Bae is like “no srsly”

“no” “no but really” “i can carry these 5000 bags by MYSELF” and they just stare at them til they’re like ohuasfojifa OKAAAY

i’m rly not in2 not having free will, but it’s easier to relinquish control or calm down and notice people have ur back too when u let them care 4 u! wow ! i dont want any angst...

it’s also nice how like...outwardly cute sun is (sunny...ahahahhahahahha...) and mork is like >:O or >:? but he’s not really grumpy, cos i hate mean grumpy ppl esp men, just more to himself and up in the clouds. he and rain are one of my fav friendships i’ve seen in a while. how nice is it to know that you have a friend that will always listen to you? protect you? cover for you? and he doesnt really expect much in return, but that’s rain’s boy!!! x___X 

x______________x

gna keep upd8nng as i remind myself:

- when he (mork) was like “lemme help u” in kma moving the table cos he’s #cute and sun was like ?word? and also when he came 2 Fite those dudes in the cafe with Rain and also when he saw sun staring at kao and he was like aw that’s sad huh - podd looks a lot older than he actually is lmao (if that is indeed his real age) and it floors me every time that he’s younger than me, he doesn’t look ancient just legit in his late 20s/early 30s (thank god he nor sun is cos rme) but i digress - sun obbbvvvvsssssss thinks he’s cute but im like do u always nag ppl u like so much? i know they like each other and sun probably knows more abt his feelings cos mork is 404notfound but i wonder when it will like hit him fully cos rn i dnt see it just like oh wow ur cute and i like staring in2 ureyes - i am increeeeddddiiiiibllllyyyy curious as to what mork’s like in love (anticipating i will come back 2 this 2 c wat i thot) like hes probs more ok with sun taking care of him, im sure he likes to be touched byhim, he’s obvs sentimental so he’ll probs(if he doesnt) have a folder of Sun Stuff idt he’s not forthcoming with his feelings it’s just hard for him 2 think ppl care? and obvs he is v reckless to a fault but when he asked sun about the rent on the cafe and let him talk about why he started it and then told him about how much his dad loves him (fiiiirrstable wow cute u love ur best friend, his dad, n his bro *_*) he’s proven to be a caring person and friend and will def b a caring bf. i wonder if it hurt him when he pushes sun during FenceGate - the scene where mork is cleaning up sun’s injuries i thot the earplugs were a cochlear implant, i rewound it a trillion times and then i was like wait those r..earplugs LOL but u ever think abtwhy u wanted 2 clean his injuries huh mork??!!?!!?!??!??!  - ik im not rly a power dynamic person so i prefer an equality in the give/take, i think theyre both tooooo stubborn to be able to relinquish control but there’s a diff in just letting someone be with you and not needing to be on all the time. like for once mork can relax - when mork got ready 4 sun (”work”) cutest shit ever lmao im positive he knows that he obvs feels diff abt sun to rain but he’s like rly working hard to get thru it lmaoooo and sun’s like bitch ill wait - uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh looking in2 each other’s eyes...idk how they’re moreromantic than what we get with petekao and theyre not even together but (upside smiiley face emoji)  - the smiles during the  apron tying and the lolz at the kitty stuff. first of all, this is why i think theyll be smooth sailing once they get their shit together cos that was so nice! genuinely just like a mutual luv/understanding~*~** but i guess mork is rly fond of that family - i have more things i ned to come back 2 iahsughaj lots of fun might rewatch their stuff, cure my depression and be acne-less - sun would defffff fpush mork’s hair out of his eyes

cool

[owawaaa]

thank you guys. I know I’ve already said thank you but I like to respond to the msgs you send me. I uh.. havent made a choice yet between the 3 options I had listed. I’m very very torn between powering thru this year even tho I’m at my limit bc of all the rewards that are waiting for me and how far I’ve come and how near I am to the end AND... uh.. taking the whole year off and continuing next year bc as sergle said... this is all really draining me, just one panic attack leaves my whole body sore for literal days and affects all my organs (not kidding). I’m srsly, srsly torn between these two options (but I also can see myself taking only this semester off and... continuing w few classes the next one + the entirety of next year?). So, I still dont know, I think.. it’s best to see a therapist and ask them what I should do, listen to their opinion. There’s many pros and many cons to both of the first two options and it’s so balanced to me that I cant choose, making a list of them to compare and decide will be useless o|-< (tho this always happens to me, pros&cons lists never helped me decide anything JGKFJGKF tch typical libra). I also realized I rly rly need medication to.. learn to control this? So thank you so much elijah for your comments ; ; A doc prescribed me clonazepam in the littlest dose, and I’ve taken it a few times but! It’s not for anxiety, it’s for sleep. Sure makes me sleepy after some mins but it doesnt rly attack all the..... *hand motion*....... ugly chest and mind feelings. I’ll go see a therapist and ask for this too. Thank you guys for all your sweet wishes.. I want to get better, I’m not stopping until feeling better. Won’t give up. Love you all, thank you for your concern, thank you for taking the time to write to me ; ;

[apricotpicotty]

Dear future dee

24-02-2022

2pm

I'm at home on my phone as stargazing playing in the bg.

Discovered that I have a tiny crush on devansh and have a major thing for his hands. They're fucking pretty, long, slim I can't help but think of them in me. I am just a nympho idk. But yea apart from that the thing about having a crush on him is true. Hate it how he's surrounded by girls like literally every girl or even guys would go upto him for help. And the sad part is that I end up being a part of that crowd. I really wish to scribble something on his clothes on scribble day I.e. tomorrow but it might get canceled due to ptcd. Anyways I also want to go on a trip with him to meet ved as I'd promised him. But....idk

So yea not a head over heels type of crush but yea he's nice sweet tall has pretty hands kinda slim and thin ik I'm a fat bitch which balding scalpe. Has many friends and other people like me who has a crush on him ukw I feel it now. He's so sweet and nice I really want him to know we at least I appreciate him in almost every possible way maybe not his popularity and how he ignores me. No srsly he'll sit with aamna, sometimes talk to sharanya fucking talk soooo much with anushka and talks soo little with me. Like " acetone waha hai." "Phenol kidhar hai?" " physics lab Khula hai?" "Haan" and that's probably it. We never really made that many eye contacts unlike kanish, ujjwal, fuck right! Ujjwal comes up to me and asks "tu A mein he haina?" And good lord that made me so fucking furious dude literally doesn't know that I exist and this 12th and school phase is literally ending. I mean thats good if I look at the positive side. Bt whatever. Back to devansh I told aanvi about how I loved his hands and also the possibility of having a crush on him. And idky I felt the need to give an explanation. Obviously I said how sweet he is and shit and also how other people have a crush on him too. And broo I think I'm getting good at arranging my thoughts and telling them to people. I told aanvi about his hands not in a sexual way dw just told how pretty they are and I love them. So right I told her even tho I love his hands he would never know that someone in the crowd appreciates him. That feeling again. If I can't have that person I would still want him to be happy? Even if it's with someone else. Ik I'm not the one and most probably he isn't either.

Wait.

Am I feeling almost these things cuz of wht sharanya told me that day when outside lab devansh asked me about anushka's scale and I said "Haan shayad" "Yr mil nhi raha." (Just realized he never really looks me in the eye.) " Haan toh kya hua, Naya kharid le kitne ka he hoga." He smiled. Well he always does whenever he's talking to people. This is prolly the longest convo we ever had.

Idk if it's just a temporary thing I have for him. If it is I want it to be ASAP. And if it's not then I'll end it.

Dw after all the past experiences, I have learned how to control myself in this field.

And also dad and I laughed together in auto while coming back home and talked a lottt compared to the usual past. If we're coming back together from our drifted paths... I want it to happen ASAP.

That's all that happened noteworthy today. I was running on 2hrs of sleep few makhanas, egg pieces green tea water and a brownie which I had in school.

I need sleep.

Bye for now.

[tumblunni]

BONNU GET A VITA

* ok lol so my regular europe psn name is Bunni89 and this america one is Bonnu98 * if any1 want 2 friend * The screen is really hi def??? what?? its actually kinda hard on the eyes cos its in such a small space. like srsly this is the same sort of quality as my tv and its just.. completely unnecessary. I saw this really cool video once that was breaking down the reasons why the ps vita tanked so hard, and the number one was that it just didnt have any idea what priorities make sense for a handheld console. So much focus on being the most graphically intensive one when thats not even something people value as much compared to home consoles, and the money needed to make it as powerful as a home console means that each unit costs loads to make and has to sell at a stupidly high price. And like.. now even after they’ve lowered the price so much its too little too late. And even if it suddenly became a success they still couldn’t make up the money lost from not selling it at £500 a unit. All that and then the game availability problems and the lack of any real gimmick to set it apart compared to the 3DS, and the fact that “its basically the ps4 but worse” isnt really a good selling point, and the fact that it isnt even very portable for its size and the high quality screen is way more fragile and it doesnt have a clamshell design to protect it.. * Basically I can understand why the vita failed. And even I only bought it now simply because there’s like two intriguing jrpgs that were exclusive to it. And they both failed super hard cos of the console’s low audience, aaaa * Anyway lol back 2 me getting dis vita and checking it out, woop woop! * I legit had NO CLUE that it had a touch screen??? Isn’t that kind of a rip off?? Like seriously wtf was it with playstation and xbox around the early wii and ds era just copying the fuck out of touch and motion controls. like seriously noone is gonna buy your thing with an inferior version of a thing they can buy elsewhere. Focus on your actual strengths! * Tho actually the touchscreen is kinda really good? i don’t think its necessarily the quality but just the layout of the console with the horizontal screen in a fairly big size with your hands on each side. its more conveinient for me with my shaky anxiety hand problems, i usually have a lot of trouble using a regular mobile phone! Sucks that nowadays EVERY phone is touchscreen and theyre always so tiny T_T So yeah typing with double thumbs and having a console to grip to steady myself works a lot better. Tho the 3DS’s stylus is equally conveinient, i just keep losing it lol. I wonder why they didnt make it with one of those chains like the pens at the post office? * WHY ARE ALL THE APP ICONS BOUNCING M&MS LOL I mean i guess its not too ridiculous to do spheres instead of the standardized square icon on every pc ever, but why are they full 3D models that have jiggle physics as you scroll the screen. Its semi addictive to poke them but i wonder how much it cost to develop that?? Your console was already a money loser! * I have officially managed to make a fake american account, woo! Its funny that all it needs to confirm you’re correct is a real post code and town name. I just googled random american place names so now my alternate self apparantly livs in fremont, new hampshire. That one sounded the cutest! i am literally in “Town I Made Up, Place That Doesn’t Exist” though. I wanted to make it “Hey I Made This Account Just To Buy Summon Night 5, Fuck U” but yknow.. character limits. * Summon Night 5 is right there in the psn store and i am crying cos i only just found out that ps vita does not have any inbuilt memory. AAAAAA. Moral of the day: do your research! So yeah i now have to wait about a week for a delivery cos i couldnt find memory cards available anywhere but preowned. Sucks that it uses a console-limited mem card system instead of global SDs like the 3DS. Thats another reason this thing will never win! poor underdog console, but also i can completely understand how its failings were its own damn fault. I just hope that like the gamecube its failure inspires the company to learn a lesson and come back with a better sequel, rather than how the dreamcast killed the whole thing. Tho I mean at least sony has the PS4 that’s doing alright, maybe they should just give up on handhelds entirely? * also wtf why does this thing have mobile phone sim card compatibility?? i hope thats not necessary for anything cos there’s no way i’m connecting my phone line to a random gaming company * COME FORTH SOON, NEXT WEEK. BLESS ME WITH ABILITY TO ACTUALLY PLAY ME CONSOLE. It may have barely any games but i will kill for oreshika and SN5!!!

[taocastleprincess]

Have you started school yet?

nahhhh, i’m back at school on the 28th. i actually won’t start until the 30th tho, but i haven’t seen my friends since 2016(!!!!) so i’ll probably be offline talking shit and loving my homies. lmfao.

and i got your other mssg but i’m not gonna post it bc you didn’t hit anon and i think you meant to. lmfao but yeah, i go to school in NYC. idk what school you go to but sju always goes back late August so i just assumed all NYC unis did. i actually didn’t know i had any followers around my age that went to school in NYC, that’s actually cool as hell.

lmao but to get to your actual comment/question: tbh, i know myself and keeping a queue isn’t going to keep me off tumblr. if i’m bored and know i could study, i’m not gonna opt to study just bc i have a queue, i’m still gonna be on tumblr/twitter. lmao. but that’s me and i have no self-control. that’s why i like group studying sessions bc positive peer pressure works better than trusting myself to do what i need to do. idk what to tell you rlly bc i’m bad at giving advice that doesn’t pertain to me (idk if y'all’ve noticed but i’m self-destructive as hell. i was late to a midterm last semester bc Nicki Minaj was live tweeting. lmao) but the semester before last i was slacking in psychology bc i was (unsurprisingly) browsing twitter/tumblr during lectures on my laptop, so i followed a handful of porn blogs/twitter accounts. my logic was: if porn stumbles along my dash/feed in the middle of class i’ll be way too embarrassed to keep my laptop on and i’ll be forced to pay attention. and it worked. like srsly, my test grades soared immediately. bc porn blogs post like every 5 fucking minutes i could never scroll in peace. but uh idk if you have the stomach for that or if you would even wanna do that but that’s what i did and that’s the only thing that actively deterred me from scrolling in class. :( sorry i wasn’t much help. i suck at being a good student. idk how i haven’t flunked out yet lmao.

[i-am-adlocked]

Nightmares

For the past days, I’ve had too many nightmares to count, and they all involve authority-figures screaming at me. 

I’m like huh??? cos i srsly have a bit of trouble with authority figures... like i oppose them... but in my dreams, they terrify me? lol dafuq

Especially because I can control myself in my dreams, but I rarely can control my dream.

I once had a dream that my acting coach yelled at me when I announced that I was quitting the theatre group. So I stood up and walked away then he ordered his two henchmen to get me... 

So naturally, my aware-self decided to jump off a building (because I knew it was a dream and physics and injuries won’t work much) and crashed into a family dinner and the parents were yelling at me but I ran away still... 

I ended up in a street parade, and hid in an abandoned shop and was forced to talk to an old old woman you’d see holding tarot cards whilst wearing a robe and a heavy amount of beads... I almost got caught again and went inside a nearly closed ice cream shop.

I threatened the owner to hide me (I even refused when he told me he’d give me ice cream whenever I demand it, and even enticed me by showing me the cookies and cream ones) and nearly killed him when he started crying because the henchmen and my acting coach was near where we were hiding. I got caught and the owner was saying sorry.

I found out that the acting-coach was actually acting, and the henchmen were two of his other students... He wanted to see how much I was willing to do to quit the group.

Once I dreamt that my Economics teacher was talking about students and their grades and how it’s all going to be okay and whatever... 

Then she says my name as one of the hard-workers than she says...

“Miss Allysa, you... have had the lowest score from any of the students I had given this exam to in the past twenty years.” Then she starts reprimanding me for my work alone when everyone else got their scores and left.

I woke up sweating af.

Hours ago, I woke up. I was sweating and shaking...

Thankfully, I forgot what I was dreaming (something that rarely occurs because I always remember my dreams), but I’m sure I’ll remember it someday.

Two nights ago, I woke up crying tho... 

A neighbour was screaming at me when I announced that I decided to go abroad for a job... and she yelled at me that I wasn’t contributing enough for my country... and I agreed but I really needed the money... and she went up to my face and apologised with a sweet smile, curling her hands around my hair and smiling at me... I was terrified but I didn’t show it. I wanted to be stronger than my dream.

Then my mother (they’re friends in real life) stood beside her with a spray, and sprayed the hell out of her in the face. I cried on cue... because I was already aware when our neighbour was holding my hair and I had control of the dream. I controlled it so my mother would defend me for once.

I didn’t... I wasn’t prepared for actually seeing it in front of me.

This is the first time I’ve ever woken up crying in months.

The last time I woke up crying was when I dreamt that I was being tortured for information when it was WW3. I got caught whilst I was spying on the enemy camp. I can vividly remember everything they did to me. I woke up when they were nearing a blowtorch on my back and I felt pain erupted so much that I woke up lol.

I talked to some people I’ve met here on Tumblr because I was shaking so badly that I couldn’t type on the keyboard for a whole day. I was jumpy and highly alert for days. I wasn’t able to sleep much because whenever I close my eyes, I’m back in that cell... but that was ridiculous because that was a dream, a vivid dream yes, but a dream nonetheless...

The things that happened tho... the blowtorch... the belt... the punches... the starvation... it felt like months in my dream, and I was aware that I’m only thinking of it as months... It was so bad that I was aware and I can’t control my dream, because I kept wishing myself to wake up but I wasn’t... and at one point, I feared that my life right now was a lie and that was real...

...but I knew it wasn’t. It was too dream-like. So I held that hope... and I guess my limit was a blowtorch to my already bloodied mangled back. Fck, I can still remember it up to this day. It’s been months since then.

[triplevarsity]

vury shyly shoves url forward

[ ♛ ] send me a url and i’ll tell you the following;

my opinion on;

character in general: okay everything things this is hella weird coming from a Tyler stan, but srsly I love Klaus so fuckin’ much. Yeah he can be a controlling dick sometimes, and totally paranoid, but he’s such a fuckin’ amazing character. Like one of the best and most layered villains I have ever seen. Most shows you are either the villain or hero, but TO has got us rooting for Klaus and that’s because he’s so fuckin’ dynamic and srsly I can go on and on and on but ima stop myself rn.how they play them: omg such an amazing Klaus, like they get all of the five million sides to this amazing character.the mun: I haven’t talked to them a lot ooc but they seem amazing, and we should totally talk ooc and fangirl and stuff together because you seem pretty awesome.

do i;

follow them: in case you didn’t get it from the fangirling above, UH YEAH!rp with them: no but omg omg omg we need to. want to rp with them: YES YES YES. Like srsly Klaus is a huge part of who Tyler is, good and bad. So I like NEED some Klaus and Tyler interaction because there is so much shit between them, and like I know that Klaus had to go off to TO but they just dropped so much of the interesting dynamic between Klaus and Tyler.ship their character with mine: as enemies and frenemies HELL YES. Not as a romantic ship tho.

what is my;

overall opinion: omg lemme just fangirl out for a second and say much quality and so much klaus and so much JUST YES AMAZING OKAY.

**Note: Mun’s answer are all to be completely honest. Don’t send url if you don’t want brutal honesty.

[tayegi]

Its going downhill omg “And if I find out that you’ve let someone else touch what’s mine… You’ll regret it.” HE'S A PSYCHOPATH....I'm curious About what will happen between jimin and her while jungkook is away!

Anonymous said:I started getting creepy vibes from Jungkook in equilibrium back in ch 4 when the girl said she felt like he might hit her before he kissed her (which is not a normal feeling you should get from your lover, even fleetingly) and he just keeps getting worse. You're doing a great job at showing how unhappy she is so I think people who are defending jungkook are purposefully being blind cause you're clearly not portraying it as a healthy relationship and never have been. Hope you're doing well!

Anonymous said:The relationship the OC, Jungkook, and Jimin have in Equilibrium honestly makes me sad. Separately, I think they could be much happier but together they're toxic and destructive. None of them are doing something good because they're all using each other, and Jungkook's behavior is in no way "hot"... you've built an incredibly interesting story, and I'm excited to see where t goes!

Anonymous said:To the people who think jungkook in equilibrium: NO HE'S NOT. Honestly, I can't understand how people find him attractive still, but I'm going to try to guess. Maybe it's the idea of being so completely "loved" by someone or having them pour all of their attention onto you. But the thing is, you deserve better than some psycho who says they care. (1/2)

Anonymous said:You deserve someone who treats you like a human, not and object. You deserve to feel safe. to you, Lu: Thank you for writing such a beautifully morbid piece. I know it's not finished, and with all the frustrating responses it may be a lot to deal with at times since you're already so busy, but thank you. This story shows that relationships aren't always nice, or good, or healthy. It shows how tragic they can really be, and while someone may not be "good", they shouldn't have to deal with bs(2/2)

Anonymous said:It terrifies me that girls can find jungkook's character to still be attractive. There's a difference between someone being kinda protective or playfully jealous and straight up psychotic and possessive. I get that maybe it's like "oh but he was such a good guy" or that they're attached to an idea of jungkook in real life, but that doesn't make it any less concerning. In fact, it find it even more terrifying frankly. (1)

Anonymous said:The reason I find it more terrifying that people would still find him attractive if their reason is attachment to the real life human or previous attachment from earlier in the fic is that this is exactly how abusive relationships happen. It's not likely that someone will start off hitting you or being controlling on like the second week you're together. Everything will be close to perfect probably. (2)

Anonymous said:The whole issue (that I think your fic executes perfectly) is what happens when a relationship becomes something toxic, and this person (who you may or may not be in love with) becomes someone you never would have originally dated. But the inability to see the situation for what it is and to continue to idolize and love someone unconditionally is a huge concern. When you have to blur the lines of right and wrong for someone, chances are something is wrong. I just wish people could see that. (3)

Anonymous said:As someone who has been in a past relationship with him being possessive. It's not cute it's not sexy it's fucking terrible and terrifying. Lucky I was able to get out of it quickly. My older brother and mommy made a sure he would stay the hell away from me because he keep harassing me calls, texts, showing up at my house unannounced. Even tho this is a fanfic they are things people need to take seriously and not be light hearted about this.

Anonymous said:Ok honest time right now the new chapter of equilibrium gave a anxiety,It was just like I could feel the tension and the idk everything just coming over me and the times Jungkook said the oc was his and only his made me so uncomfortable and uneasy srsly it was like I was the one in an abusive relationship and then she tries to "escape" to Jimin and even then she can't because even subconsciously, idk if it makes sense,Jungkook its still trapping her and not letting go and I feel so bad for her

thekookiecrush said:I started reading Equilibrium today and I just finished it and omg, everything that is said or is happening, it's like a shot in my heart, sometimes I shivered because the whole situation is so fucked up but your story is so good, my heart is still racing from chapter 11. I can't wait for the story to be continued... thank you for that high-quality masterpiece

Anonymous said:ok like tbh im super done with every single anon that takes the time to actually defend jk's disgusting behavior. it might be difficult to look past his real-life persona as an idol, but come on. no man, no matter how beautiful or nice to other people, should be allowed to do this or even 1/5th of this to a woman. it's just not.......justifiable at all. like please get your heads straight and think for a few moments before sending practically misogynstic messages like this. im just....wow wtf

Anonymous said:Patiently waiting for Jin or yoongi to separate all of them. I can't trust jungkook for one sec it sound like there's more going on when he's not around the oc and jimin. I don't trust jimin obviously and the oc. Now it's gotten to the point where I'm just like please leave eachother the oc and jimin are hurting as of jungkook idk if he actually has real feelings for the oc but hmm. THEY ALL NEED TO GO.

awkward-kooks said:This is why we need to work harder against abuse. It's not a pretty thing to romanticize it since it is dangerous. As someone whose best friend is in an emotionally, mentally, and physically abusive relationship, it hurts seeing some of your readers thinking that Jungkook's personality (at least in the FANFICTION) is completely OK and valid since he's just "protecting" the reader or "getting jealous" of Jimin's character.

Anonymous said:Argh, reading the new chapter makes me feel kind of sick. I feel so bad for the OC and this whole situation is giving me anxiety. The way Jungkook is acting makes me want to scream at him hahaha :( I can't believe he doesn't see how wrong this is (being all possessive and guilt-tripping her and all) :((( but it was amazingly written so thank you!

Anonymous said:So I'll be honest enough to say that I just started reading Equilibrium. At first it feels so intense and you just start feeling on edge (in an angsty/giddy way). But after a while, the relationship dynamics begin to feel digusting! Don't get me wrong tho I 100% luv ur writing but the abuse is getting way out of hand and I wouldn't want that for myself my gawd i would've quit from day 1 hahaha cause im kinda possessive, and sharing with another person and endure abuse is a big fuck no!!

Anonymous said:Wow Equilibrium is getting scary. What scares me more is that you are writing an OC who is scared about what could possibly happen, she is being emotionally manipulated. And there are people who think that what JK is doing is sexy. I hope that your readers eventually understand what is and what isn't a healthy relationship. None of this is healthy. You want relationship goals look at Morticia and Gomez Adams. This is a fantastic piece of writing though. Thank you.

Anonymous said:Thank you for that amazing update holy shit. Jungcock is seriously scaring me so much and I feel so bad for the mc and Jimin. I feel as if Kookie purposely poisoned Jimins food. And honestly I'm so scared for the mc. Like the way Jungkook traps her and has this possessiveness, powering over the mc freaks me out so much. I feel as if the mc will not be able to take the possessiveness anymore and well run away? Thank you for the update. This chapter I feel is very important. Have a good day!

THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH FOR NOT FALLING PREY TO OUR DISGUSTING MISOGYNISTIC SOCIETY THAT TELLS US A POSSESSIVE, CONTROLLING, CRAZY MAN IS SEXY!!! IT’S NOT. IT’S FUCKING SCARY AKLSJDFKLSJF IM SO GLAD THAT THERE ARE SANE PPL OUT THERE

[vcnom]

I kinda feel like I'm spiralling out of control like I realized today that I have stolen opioids, stolen alcohol and razor blades stashed in different parts of my room. It's exam week and I've barely studied bc I've been lying on my floor crying. My therapist said it was probably fine that I didn't study bc I'm a "high achiever". I feel like no one is taking my problems seriously and I kinda just wanna die even though I'm too much of a wuss to actually kill myself. Sorry I just needed to vent.

its okay you don’t need to apologize :-) 

i’m sorry that’s happened and i’m sorry your therapist doesn’t seem to be taking you seriously, that is utterly shit, and not fair at all. could you change who you’re seeing? i hope, despite how many things you have stashed in your room, that you won’t use them for dying or od-ing bc :-( it sucks u wanna die, like so SO much. it’s poopy. i wish i could do something more to help. it’s good to cry though tho man, get it out when you can rather than turning to other release methods

ask for advice or rant if u want 

[cheerstocrazy]

Belated Coachella

Busted a hella suicide mission to Coachella since Azn found a super cheap Friday ticket. I wasn’t planning to go, but I saw Friday’s lineup, and I was like omg this is a perfect day for me. I want to go now ): Made the decision on Wednesday to go and srsly screamed and jumped up and down with joy so much. Music festivals are so fun. The weather was gonna be agreeable at Coachella. We didn’t have to camp. This was gonna be awesome! Tried coke for the first time, it’s not so bad. I thought it’d be a harder drug and more intense, but it just made me really alert and like I needed to do something. I could hardly sleep that night, so I woke up early and was awoken by Azn anyway abt Yodel boy ugh. Anyway, got dressed, was really hungry, went to get brunch. Then got ready, and off to Chella. It was a bit hot, but not too bad. I really wanted to see Moses Sumney, he was a non-negotiable for me. So I parted ways with the guys and ran towards Moses Sumney. Turns out his set started late, so I don’t think I missed too much. He didn’t perform Doomed, which I was gutted abt. I’m not sure who I saw next. But I saw Kali Uchis, I’M OBSESSED. She’s so hot and so fuego, she is so sensual!! Afterwards, Johnny got his lobster roll and we watched Daniel Caesar during golden hour, and I s2g that was set took my breath away, and it’s still one of my fave festival moments ever. I just felt all my problems slip away, and I was so seduced by his voice. Ugh PERFECTION. I still wasn’t hungry, but I knew I had to take the pill soon. I think I just refused to eat and ate a popsicle stick. Took the pill and it hit perfectly for Kygo. It took abt an hour, and we were all sitting by some art pieces. Kygo was super fun!!! I loved Kygo as always, and we were all peaking then. When he brought out Ryan Tedder and I heard Apologize. I think I LOST MY FUCKING MIND!!! MY!!! FUCKING!!! MIND!!! I LOVE THAT SONG AND I LOVE RYAN TEDDER!! *sobs forever* Afterward, we wandered over to St. Vincent since we were all rolling. Jason asked me at least 9x who it was. Her set was so awesome!! So dope, she’s so fierce and commanding. I loved the shit out of it. I took the other half of the molly. I was pretty good for Sza. I’m so glad to have seen the girls there bc I at least had someone to sing the lyrics with. Also P’s bf was being annoying as fuck and he legit thought I was P, so he kept asking me weird questions and hovering by me. I was SO ANNOYED!!!! Had so much fun during the set. Then we went to the French DJ JMJ, and I was feeling the comeup really hard, so I kept chain smoking. I was over the music, so we walked to DO LAB, wasn’t feeling the music, went to REZZ at Sahara. Honestly, everything was making me want to die and was so overwhelming for me. We were also WALKING SO MUCH, my poor body couldn’t handle it anymore. So we finally ended up at Gobi to watch Bahamas bring out Snoop Dogg. WHAT THE FUCK LMAO. I remember I took out my gum and put a new piece in, and it was the most disgusting taste/feeling ever. I felt it fall apart in my mouth, and I felt every hair fiber and it felt like disintegrating wet sand in my mouth. I was like Johnny, I need to sit down, so I just rested on him. We were both exhausted. Then I was like I’m feeling pretty unwell and sick. We decided to just leave then I started to hurl. I was hurling water and saw two guys peeing against the bush. After I threw up, I felt fine and was like fuck I’M SO COLD!!!! OMFGGGG. I was holding J’s hand the entire time too, so I finally let go. We walked to the busses line and OMG LONGEST LINE/WAIT OF MY SAD/TIRED LIFE. Holy fuck, it was so long and it took 2 hours to get onto the bus. I just remember looking at everyone’s eyes, and they were all so zombied out and everyone’s pupils were so fucking dilated. Everyone looked like a sad ass mess. I was standing, but I was so exhausted, I have never felt more tired and depleted in my life. I was telling J, dude I can’t even stand, I want to sleep. Please. I’m using energy reserve that I don’t even have. I just felt like I was in another dimension in the worst way. I thought for sure I was going to wait. That 2 hour wait was the worst thing EVER. Finally, we got to the bus, and I was like Nat, keep it together, you’re so fucking close!!! When we got onto the bus. I collapsed onto the windowsill and J onto me. We knocked the fuck out. No one on the bus talked. We got home, J called the Lyft. We got back and I felt so exhausted. I went to sleep, but couldn’t really sleep. My brain was firing on 15000 cylinders. I didn’t know whether or not I was in reality anymore. I kept telling myself 2 + 2 = ??? and I couldn’t figure it out. It was just all galactic in my dreams and I was like I can’t control my life and brain. And It wouldn’t stop spinning. Finally, I looked at my phone and it was 7 am, so I went to the rr and could barely make it. I sat down by the toilet, head spinning like crazy. I threw up finally. I don’t think I slept until 7 bc my head was so fried. I was so exhausted but couldn’t sleep. In the morning, I woke up dead and I texted Johnny to bring my juice and coconut water etc. I finally got out of bed and I was like omg my eye hurts like crazy, and it feels like I’m getting stabbed/it’s burning. I had to ice it the entire time. Turns out I was dying bc Johnny blew and ruptured my eye from the night before by blowing the Vicks into my eye. Omg during Kygo, after he blew it, I teared up for 5 mins after the violent pain I experienced. Holy shit. Party FOUL AF. Anyway, I felt bruised and battered, but they left for the festival, so I drove home. I was so tired 20 mins into the drive and I could no longer see and I was low-key hallucinating, so I just pulled over to nap for a couple of hours at some random plaza. Worst 12 hours of MY LIFE. I HAVE NEVER BEEN IN MORE PAIN, I NEVER WANT TO EXPERIENCE THAT MUCH PAIN EVER AGAIN. But also best festival day ever!!!!! EVER!!! So fun, lots of regrets tho.

[dipsogg]

Various Subjects

I feel like everyone has their life together but me. One of my BEST friends is expecting a baby & I am so excited for her & me too. That baby is gonna be like my little brother or sister I've been trying to focus on that & maybe co-parenting with my best friend. Her baby I will treat as my own & do everything I can to be the best fatherly figure I can be. My other BEST friend knows what career she is pursuing & is very smart. Recently today someone I used to know contacted me asking about how I've been & I wasn't pleased at first. We started talking & she told me she is getting married in 4 months to her boyfriend of 8 months. Everyone has thier life together but me & I feel so empty. I want to know when is it gonna be my turn to be happy? When am I gonna get to find that special someone I can settle down & have a family with?. I feel selfish for wanting to have nice things & be happy but I can't keep living like this. I'm desperate to feel better to the point where I'm actively looking to hook up just to feel something, anything. I know I'm not going to enjoy the sex or feel anything for the guy I'll be sleeping with. Its not my personality to give my body to someone who I don't even know their name & I know this is going to make my depression a million times worse. I can already tell I might attempt sucide shortly after hooking up. I feel so hollow, like everything is just grey & altho I do genuinely feel happy for my best friend & her devolping baby I am merely sharing in her joy. I cannot believe after everything I have told myself, that I will NEVER hook up & have sex with someone Idk. That I will NEVER attempt suicide so long as I have 1 person that loves me but I can feel myself slipping. I have so many ppl that genuinely love me so much aside from my best friends like Elizabeth. Altho she seldom knows what to make me feel better she does love me & she is always checking in with me. My parents & older brother altho I don't really talk to either of them nor am I close with them my mom wrote me a letter saying she thinks of me everyday. If I'm ok, if my depression is under control, if I've found a boyfriend or girlfriend yet, etc. So I do have ppl that really don't want me to hook up b\c they know what it'll do to me. My best friends are the only ppl that know about it before this posting. I just don't have any motivation left to keep fighting my depression. I know I can't attempt suicide not while my best friend is pregnant she could lose the baby if I succeeded in my attempt. I can't do that to her. Idk what to do, I can't stop silently crying b\c I want to attempt suicide SO SO bad but on the flipside those I love would be devasted. I can't hurt those I love like that, I can't do that to my best friends. My family I doubt would miss me much since I'm not close with any of them. I just want I feel again, I'm tired of feeling empty. I shouldn't have to hook up & make my depression worse to feel something. That doesn't make sense. I know full well I'm not alone, that there are thousands of guys & girls on Twitter, Tumblr, etc that feel exactly the way I do. Even so, I still feel alone b\c for one my best friends who are my stronghold, my reason I am even trying to stay alive don't live in Texas. For 2, I don't even know why they stay. I know talking about my depression & stuggles & connecting with those that feel me helps its just I don't trust easily. Altho I'm a textbook INTP I do enjoy talking with those I share things in common with from time to time but depression gets in the way.

I literally am out of options but suicide; I'm not gonna get better, I'm not gonna find someone whom I make their heart flutter. No one would ever fall inlove with me not to mention want to marry methat mts that I would say that person is bloody insane. I'm ever gonna have beautiful children or move to Thailand 🇹🇭 which I have wanted to do since I was nine. So altho I would die for my best friends, I would do absolutely anything for both of them I just don't see myself getting better. Funny how I know other ppl with depression might have the exact same thing written in their journals as I have in mine. I am not alone in these thoughts I have but I am alone physically, cut off from those I love most, my best friends namely. I wish I could stop myself from thinking about my future (assuming I have one) like who is writing the same things as I am or thinking they'll never get married or have a family as I do. I know I'm not the only one that feels they'll never love romantically or enter into a ldr b\c of a ex. I want to connect with those ppl who have liked minded interests as me (i.e, music, dancing, animals, anime, roleplaying, etc). I need to stop thinking those thoughts b\c my personality isn't naturally negitive but my thought process changed when I was professionally diagnosed with severe depression with suicidal tendencies. I feel having a small group of supportive ppl makes my depression significantly easier to deal with than if I didn't. God I love my best friends so much I couldn't live w\o both of them & I know I'm not alone in that either. I know there are thousands of ppl with depression that have best friends that they love as much as much as I love mine.

No one but my best friends give a fuck about my well being or mental health & its not that I expect anyone but them to its just diffucult to accept. Even tho Elizabeth does love me she really doesn't care about me as much as my best friends do which makes sense. I mean she isn't my best friend, so of course she wouldn't care as much if at all. Ugh I'm such a idoit. It's ok srsly I'm not being sacastic about it I don't expect Elizabeth or anyone but my best friends for that matter, to care about me. I do wonder however why does Elizabeth love me if she doesn't care about my mental health & wellbeing 🤔. Just a thought I wonder.

[tumblunni]

I wish I could hug y'all!

In fact I think I will make it A LIFE GOAL I really really wanna someday be able to visit all my friends who live in different countries! Its something good to save up for, even if it'll probably take years. So.. lets randomly ramble in a journal about Plans!! IDEA THE FIRST TRIP THE FIRST FIRST THE FIRST: THE SEQUEL I think it'd probably make sense to go to america first, since i have a lot of close friends living there and I don't need to learn another language. (I am notoriously dumb...) But then afterwards I could set another goal to save up and visit another friend in another country! IT WILL NEVER ENDDDDD, THATS WHY ITS CALLED FRIENNNNDDDDD So far all I have confirmed is that two of my friends would be happy to see me if I was able to visit america, @darkeiya and @summon-daze But its not like I've exactly asked everyone else, so I dunno really how many people I might be able to visit. And it depends on time constraints too, i might only be able to spend a full day or two with the closest friends and maybe then if there's more than three of us we could all meet up together and hang out en masse? Depends on how tricky it'd be for everyone to get to the same place! SO! PLANS AND THINGS I NEED TO PREPARE! workin to figure out a precise money goal im gonna save for * Become Fab * no but srsly i wanna look my best if im meeting friends in person for the first ever time. need to acquire Cool T-Shirts * figure out what exactly you can and cannot take on an aeroplane, and how to deal with anxiety if i cant take electronics. Nothing's as distracting as videogames when you're freakin out! * DO NOT SCHEDULE ANYTHING ON THE 11th-14th OF THE MONTH. i have a bad history of my period landing on these days ONLY when i have to do something important. Or when its my birthday :P I dont need even more reason to feel nauseous on a plane! * figure out how many days the stay will be, and how many clothes etc I need to bring. probably a basic thing, but this is my first time going on a holiday alone so i need to write stuff down to make sure i remember! * figure out how long exactly I want to spend with each friend, and how long I can afford in hotel fees. And does a plane ticket cos more if you're staying for longer? * find out what kind of luggages are easiest to carry and how to carry three luggages when i have two hands. Can you tie them together and make a luggages train??? * Find some sort of secure way to carry large amounts of money. I'm gonna have to do that since I need to get all my currency converted before I go. I was thinking maybe a little matchbox tin chained to the inside of my coat or around my neck? Something where you couldnt get it without roughhousing with me, and it'd still be hard to pull it off the chain. Gives me a precious few extra minutes to yell for help/possibly bludgeon a guy with a suitcase * Figure out hotel(s) in different areas of america, depending on how far I'll have to travel. And figure out affordable ways to travel the difference if its not a situation where the friend can pick me up. And make sure they are cool hotels, not just the absolute minimum! i wanna make a fun tourist experience of the hotels!! I havent been in a hotel since I was a kid! * Possibly schedule it like a 'safehouse' thing? Returning to home base! I need to make sure I schedule around the potential anxiety of doing so much travel in a new place. So maybe schedule it out so I have a period of me-time in between visiting each friend? Itd probably cost too much to rent a hotel room for an entire day in between so maybe just schedule it out so I have half a day at least. I dunno if hotels allow you to sleep in all day tho, are there rules about what time you need to be up and out? * I'm kinda looking forward to using hotel beds and showers cos theyre like luxury compared to my house XD man, I wonder if I could get a place with a hot tub?? or the fabled mini-bar?? (which i would drink nothing of, but it would be fun to take photos!) And it'd be so cool to see what american breakfasts are like! And lol all my friends have just been like 'YOU NEED TO SEE OUR LOCAL RESTAURANTS' and im like... dude, i dont need to get fatter XD lets limit it to ONE! * I dunno if my friends would just wanna hang out in their local mall or something, or if I could visit their house and say hi to their family? that might be going too far. i'll still bring gifts they can give to their family tho, i wanna show my appreciation to everyone!! * are you allowed to bring extra empty suitcases onto the plane with you? I'm anticipating that knowing myself im probably gonna buy enough souveniers to need one. I'm planning to basically have half the money be for travel and then half again is just for buying NOVELTY HATS! * need to make sure to finally get a passport, and also consult heavily with my support worker and friends to make sure i have every form of travel documentation in order. I know stuff is... not good, in america right now. Thats probably why it'd be good that it'd take me years to save up for a visit, hopefully i'd be there after the next election. But I need to prepare anyway, in case border control is even more stringent. * Prepare the 'ol misgendering, because getting strip searched and treated as a suspicious threat is a very big reality for trans people. Having the wrong gender marker on your birth certificate is treated as 'this passport must be a forgery' rather than.. yknow.. transgender people exist. And then you need to be invasively handled by the guards to make sure you aren't packing explosives down your goddamn pants, they have to inspect the parts of you that you're most self concious about. *shudder* I've heard a lot of horror stories. I dunno if america is any better about it. But yeah I'm probably gonna have to just pass as female during boarding and hotels and stuff, and not wear my binder til i get to meet my friends. Saves trouble... Man, I might have to even go buy some more cliche feminine outfits or something, to make sure. Itd be fun burning them afterwards, I guess... * BRING GIFTS FOR FRIENDS N FAMILY! Figure out what is and isnt allowed to be transferred between countries. As far as I know I cant bring any form of food or drink right? I'm only allowed to eat the in-flight meals? Thats a shame cos I wanted to bring welsh cakes, theyre the only one of our local delicacies that's not a super acquired taste. (I tried bara bryth for the first time and DIED) And I dunno if anyone would be interested in silly souveniers of my country but I could get a pile of em if you are! Want an eight foot tall lovespoon? Want a giant inflatable daffodil? Want a bazillion ceramic dragons? * I am determined to bring at least one personalized super awesome gift for each person! It might just be an expensive merchandise of their fave show, it might be some form of handmade handicraft of one of their ocs! whatever I'm able to do! ^_^ * BRING SKETCHBOOKS SO WE CAN DRAW TOGETHER. LEARN THE WAYS OF THE AMERICAN MASTERS. * hey does anyone wanna trade trading cards yo. They'd be like the single easiest thing to bring with me, but I only have a handful of pokemon ones and i only really have one friend that I know likes yugioh. (And she's in england) * WE CAN FOOL AROUND LIKE DOOFS. God willing, if anyone wants to join me I will play water balloon tennis or jalapeno roulette or any sort of insane friend activity you can think of!! Gotta make up for the fact im a boring teetotaler. Tho lol I probably already act more drunk than the real drunks at a party XD * TAKE A LOT OF PHOTOS!! And possibly try and acquire a portable video camera? I'd only photo/video anyone if they gave me permission, and I wouldnt post it online unless I also had permission for that. I just wanna make a lot of memories and record them forever! Whenever I feel down, I can remember this amazing trip!!! * remember to get one of those plug adaptor thingies cos american plugs have one less prong. Gotta trade the pokeymons!! I know I can already do that easily online but BATTLING IN PERSON WOULD BE EPIC * ...bring an Ash cosplay? XD * no but seriously if i could schedule this right to coincide with an american convention or something that'd be awesome! EVEN MORE SOUVENIERS! And I could actually try cosplaying!! I'd have to find a character that suits me tho, I dont wanna get laughed at like everyone always does with fat people cosplaying thin characters. (Like... almost every character is thin, yo. let people do what they want) * possible idea: magma admin tabitha from pokemon? he's like the only fave I have who's chubby but not like... inherantly a comic relief ugly guy or a seventy year old grandpa. I wanted to do quina quen from final fantasy 9 but I dont think I have the charisma to pull it off. I'd get paranoid if people just treated the character how they treat the character, my brain would twist everything into an insult on my costume or myself XD also I kinda already look like tabitha, tho I'd either have to go without hairdye or like... wear a wig in my natural hair colour. Also his costume is super heavy and sweaty in a convention setting, according to what I;ve heard from other team magma cosplayers. (Makes you wonder how on earth they all wore it on a volcano!) * WHAT IS AN AMERICAN BISCUIT. They look like savoury welshcakes??? Learn about all the language differences! Man I wish I could bring food souveniers back with me, I'd never be able to try every single different foodstuff in america in one day without DYING. AND DYING AGAIN. * Collect product wrappers and advertisements! Its always really interesting to me to see the differences between countries! A friend mailed me an american cola once and the bottle was a whole different shape??? (he also mailed me a bunch of spent shotgun shells, which was kinda terrifying cos I was currently in a christian homeless shelter and I didnt exactly wanna cause trouble XD Apparantly it is totally legal to own unuseable bullets tho, as long as you dont have a gun.) * I dunno if any of my friends would be equally interested in similar things? i could take requests for weird british stuff to bring with me! * for summon-daze specifically: since we are both cuddly honest goofballs of childlike joy, maybe bring some of my plushie collection to show her? I'd usually just bring one as an emergency anti-anxiety measure. Tho the embarassment from having a full on meltdown in public and having to be seen hugging a plush toy to keep from crying means its not 100% effective. Only works good when I'm with people who arent judgmental. Secret pocket gengar plush is good for other times! (I've been squeezing that thing during doctors appointments and nobody noticed!) * extra reason why I'd love to visit my friends: visiting my friends's pets. I have been absolutely blessed by images of dazy's pet cat Pam, and apparantly her family has a few other cats and a dog! O_O WHAT AN AMAZING LIFE YOU LIVE. I always tell her to give pam a hug from me, and I know pam probably wouldnt like me very much when we first meet cos she's shy, but still I'd love to at least see her. I wish cats could somehow know that they give joy to people through the internet! * ...are you allowed to bring medications across the border? is there a procedure I need to go through to be allowed to bring my antidepressants? Would painkillers be allowed too? If not, is there anywhere I could buy plane-bring-onnable headache meds in the lobby or something? Just anticipating that I might get a stress migraine on the plane, cos it'd be my first time ever flying. * are you allowed to take photos out the plane window, if you use a non electronic camera? i know you cant really see anything but panning landscapes but it still sounds awesome!