#never forgiving him for not playing like real people do or wasteland baby

[miss-styles]

seeing hozier live was a religious experience...

[solomonish]

How To Keep Your Demon Entertained At A Walmart

Congratulations! You've earned yourself a few demon date days up in the human world! But what's this? You have errands to run? Well, we all know these demons can't function without you for more than five minutes....but an entity that's thousands of years old gets a little bored and restless in the hyper-market wasteland of a Walmart...

Nowdateables: coming soon!

Lucifer

if you don't want him getting passive-aggressive about how you should've done this before he got here (yeesh Lucifer some of us have jobs or responsibilities that we can't shove onto our siblings for a day to see our precious mc) then you better be ready to make conversation

definitely not the type to allow you to even think about sending him off so you can get stuff done. he's not even that bothersome, so he'll get offended if you even think about it, but also wouldn't you rather keep him around to reach the top shelves?

basically if you don’t want to keep Lucifer entertained, you have to be the one he needs to keep entertained

do that thing where you roll around on the cart like a skateboard and he’ll be trying to put a stop to it immediately

put random things in your cart that he knows you don’t need and let him take it out and put it back where it belongs

stare him in the eyes as you put that party size brownie mix in your cart then speed walk away. he will come up from an aisle in front of you and silently pluck the box out and take it back. he will come back to see seven boxes of corn dogs and momentarily considers breaking up with you

does not need a treat as a bribe, but will definitely forgive your antics if you bought something from the bakery to snack on as you go home (especially if you did it without him noticing, considering the eagle eye he’s had to have on your cart the whole time)

just don’t have the nerve to complain about the crumbs in your car after that

Mammon

I would say to ask him to scan the area looking for dropped coins on the floor but he'd probably knock down shelves trying to look beneath them so....maybe don't?

also please keep an eye on him or he WILL be shoplifting. human jail is (probably?) a step up from demon jail but like. let's aim for no jail, ok mammon?

instead, give him a pre-portioned off list and tell him it's like a scavenger hunt. he'll scamper off to explore the walmart and his duty to keeping you happy has like a 70% chance of preventing him from stealing anything too important

make sure the stuff you put on the list is kind of hard to find but not too hard. you wanna keep him occupied without risking him freaking out because he can't find this super specific spice you want

either that or only make a really vague list like. tell him you need bread and he'll stand in the bread aisle trying to remember if you like white bread or whole wheat bread until you come to retrieve him

bring money for a treat. if it's near st patrick's day go in the seasonal aisle and hope they have chocolate gold coins

he's not too hard to deal with, but figuring out what's sneaky enough to put on the list is a chore of its own so going by yourself is less work anyway

Leviathan

taking him to walmart was your final fatal mistake

seriously? he has to go in? you could have just left him in the car!!

you take him intending to have him pick out some normie snacks (since you don't have any limited edition whatever-the-fucks in your house right now) but he looks so uncomfortable you make a detour towards the games

just leave him to play on the trial device and go pick out a few things for him to choose from when you circle back to him

arguable the least stressful trip for you until you have to wade through the pool of kids surrounding him and watching him play when it's time to pay and leave

you won't have to buy him anything but you will have to wait for him to finish the level he's on before he lets you drag him away. and he'll probably complain a little bit in the car about how terrible it was to go in in the first place, which a treat would help minimize.

so i guess just pick your battles with this one?

Satan

satan is a refined individual with startling amounts of self control. he does not need pointed in the direction of the books. he can entertain himself on a grocery run.

point him in the direction of the books anyway

their selection is always small (because it’s a walmart not a bookstore) and half of it is children’s anyway so he’ll probably wander off real quick

satan doesn’t need to be entertained, no, he’s past that. he needs to be kept on a leash

you have no way of knowing where he’ll end up. sometimes he’ll be somewhere that makes sense like in the stationary but sometimes you’ll find him staring at the paint samples like it’s a masterpiece in a museum or over by the fishing hooks reading up about local fish populations and how to get a fishing license and you’re just like “???? i’ve been looking for you for twenty minutes???? don’t give me facts about salmon???”

will ask you why you need to buy tires in the same place you get your food. isn’t that suspicious? what do they specialize in?

answer him only with the word “bargains” and he’ll stop asking once he understands or gets annoyed

you don’t need to buy him a treat unless he finds a book he wants. then come on mc, you dragged him out here and you’re NOT gonna let him get this one thing??

Asmodeus

he's fine with making an errand run with you actually!

he's up on the human world for you baby, just make sure to hold his hand so he feels appreciated

asmo is far too entertained with the concept of a walmart for his own good. don't go with him if you want it to be a quick trip because he'll want to go around the whole store

thinks at first that it's kind of nifty that humans just dump all the things they need in one store but is quickly turned off from the novelty when he realizes how short the distance is between the clothes and the nearest package of raw chicken

even if the selection is small, he will want to spend time in the makeup department. probably goes on rants about how he can’t imagine this quality of product is good for your skin

will still buy nail polish though if you let him

overall? not terrible to have around, but make sure you don’t have anywhere to be in the next hour when you take him

Beelzebub

pack a gallon bag of cheerios like he's a toddler and get ready to fucking book it in and out of there

you know how you should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry? what were you thinking bringing Beel around??

another brother who’s good for reaching tall shelves if you need it

Beel also has this talent where he can just list off the ingredients you need if you happen to forget your list

if you want, you can distract him momentarily by just throwing out random dishes and he’ll get the ingredients right every time (even though they’re human dishes!!) but you’ll end up giving him like five different cravings by the time you leave

only take him if you want to speedrun grocery shopping, because he will start eating food you haven’t paid for if you take too long

bring extra money for that too, just in case he gets caught :(

Belphegor

bringing belphie to walmart isn't a matter of keeping him entertained moreso than keeping him awake

which you will inevitably fail to do

so even if you only need like three things, get him a cart and let him fall into the basket

he’ll try to stay awake (and he’ll give very self-satisfied grins to the people who stare at him ((and especially the ones who say “wow i wanna do that”))) but he can only fight off his sin for so long

stop by the blankets so he can stuff a few soft things in (bc he’s gotta be uncomfortable cramped in the little basket) and he’ll make himself a tiny nest

the good news is you can put anything on top of him and he won’t complain. just don’t drop any gallons of milk on him or anything that’ll wake him up

go to a self check-out so the employees don’t yell at you

after you put your groceries in your car, just dump his ass on the pavement. he’ll forgive you if you bought him the blankets.

[ineffablelabpartners]

Forgive me, brother, for I have committed a fanfic.

Title: Reconciliations

Summary: During S3E1 (The Price of Power), Hordak makes amends with Entrapta after his outburst, and the two of them decide what to do about Catra. Some of Hordak's leadership choices are slightly called into question.

Warnings: Brief, humorous references to methods of execution?

“You know…there are more efficient ways to execute someone than banishing them to a hostile location.”

Saw. Tweezers. Pliers. Multimeter. Entrapta was in her room, mask down, working with every tool she could get her hair on at once. Her workbench was starting to wobble again, but this time she was pointedly ignoring it. The door opened behind her, and from the ominous shadow that fell across she didn’t have to look to see who it was. He had brought Imp with him.

“Ahem.”

“...” Entrapta’s soldering iron soldered on.

Imp chirruped.

“...After reviewing your research on First Ones tech in the Crimson Waste, I have decided that I am willing to discuss it further.” He was calmer now than she’d last seen him, with something different from his usual demeanor that she couldn't define. “I believe I have come up with a compromise to our disagreement.”

She shut off her tools, but didn’t reply. Imp chirped louder.

Hordak continued, strained. “I may have... overreacted to your request. You approached me at an — inopportune — moment.” He swallowed. “And I...”

Entrapta set down her gadgetry and lifted her mask. She turned to look at him, still not having finished his sentence.

“...had already written my speech for the assembly.” He was holding the datapad she’d left behind with the crinkled map of the Crimson Waste folded neatly on top. A lock of blue hair had escaped his slicked back style and fallen across his forehead. His armor twinkled in the glow of the soft purple lighting she’d recently installed. She bit her lip.

With a screech, Imp jumped off Hordak’s shoulder into Entrapta’s arms, thwapping him in the face with his tail as he did so. “Entrapta,” he said, softer than she’d ever heard that voice say her name before. She giggled.

“Imp, that is hardly dignified.” Hordak stared at the two of them, his eyes a little bigger, as Entrapta embraced Imp and kissed his cheek. His skin was peculiarly smoother than a human’s but still baby soft.

“Have a seat, Hordak.” She gestured toward her purple couch. “Let’s talk.”

“Emily!” Imp said, with Entrapta’s voice.

“She’s helping Scorpia with something before the mandatory assembly - I wasn’t planning on going!”

Using her hair, Entrapta retrieved two fizzy drinks with straws from her personal cooler. Fizzy rations were one of the changes she'd been able to implement to the Horde menu, though her old chefs had refused her offer to come work at the Fright Zone. (She'd even tracked them down with the Sanctum communicator and everything.) The Horde drinks were green without much flavor, but still: fizzy.

Hordak looked at the beverage she placed in his hand the way Scorpia looked at small buttons. He hesitated to sit down, as if he’d never touched anything soft before in his life. Had she ever seen him sit in a chair other than a throne? It was times like these that Entrapta felt better about her own social shortcomings.

“So.” She sat cross-legged next to the caped warlord, whose winged toddler leapt off her lap to perch himself at the highest point on the back of the couch. Hordak’s cybernetics were right there, close enough to touch, but she couldn’t let herself get distracted. First Ones tech (and Catra’s life?) was on the line. “What’s your solution to our tech problem?”

“Since the Crimson Waste has a reputation almost as foreboding as Beast Island...” Hordak handed his own bottle to Imp, who seemed to have a better idea of what to do with it. “I will allow you to send Catra there on a mission to retrieve First Ones tech.”

Entrapta smiled. “Thank you.” Her pigtail draped itself over the back of the couch, curling around Imp, inches from Hordak’s shoulder.

He didn’t smile back. “It must be alone, no other lives at risk,” he grunted. “If against all odds, Catra returns with what we need - she will be pardoned for proving her worth. If she does not return after an allotted period of time, she will be presumed dead and a failure. You will have to come up with a contingency plan should that happen.”

She took a sip from her fizzy drink. “Why do you think she won’t return?”

His ears wiggled, just slightly. “I lost a whole faction to that wasteland 20 years ago, including my most fearsome and competent warrior.” He bowed his head angstily, somewhat undercut by the soda sipping toddler next to it.

“Huntara. I have her file right here.” As difficult as it was to find anything in that archaic filing system. She hair-grabbed a stack of Horde folders from nearby, which Commander Cobalt had assisted her in locating. “However, I’ve noticed more than a few discrepancies between Shadow Weaver’s reports and my own research. Are you sure that her version of events can be trusted?”

“As long as the others believe what she told them, it will serve the purpose that I need.” He furrowed his brow and looked away from the photograph clipped to the inside of the folder. “But your skepticism is not unwarranted; Shadow Weaver did have something of a duplicitous side.”

Despite her difficulty with social signals, Entrapta had picked up on that fairly quickly. “Yet you kept her around for 25 years?”

“The sorceress proved her worth to me with the role she played ending the first Rebellion, but I let her ride off that goodwill for far too long. If Scorpia had shown any connection to the Black Garnet, I would have rid myself of that treacherous witch long ago.” He narrowed his eyes at the tall stack of manilla folders. “For her insistence on paper recordkeeping alone.”

It was almost a joke, but not. “So what are you going to do about her escape?”

“It is too late to do anything.” First Adora, now Shadow Weaver - apparently walking out of this place had less consequences than staying. “The only thing to be done is punish the person responsible, as a message to the others that such failures will not be tolerated.”

Entrapta took another sip. “By sending her away?”

“It is harsh, I know.” He gestured with his big metal arms, the ones she was forever yearning to go to town on with a hex-driver. “I am not a charismatic leader, Entrapta. I cannot inspire love and devotion the way others can. Fear and pragmatism are all I have.”

“And robots.”

“Yes.” His scowl fleetingly turned to a smile. “Had Catra been truthful to me, it would have allowed me to be lenient, as I have been with her before.” Hordak seemed to believe what he was saying, in that moment. He was easier to read than most people. “But I cannot abide both a failure and a liar. It would be repeating the same mistakes made with Shadow Weaver.”

“You know…” she said, after another sip. “There are more efficient ways to execute someone than banishing them to a hostile location.”

He blinked. “What do you mean?”

“Firing squad, lethal injection, hanging, electrocution, decapitation.” Entrapta mimed each of these with her hair. “A few more minutes in your atmospheric variable remover would have done it.”

He was making that face again, where his eyes were bigger than his little red mouth. “I thought you wanted me to spare Catra. Are you suggesting that I… cut off her head?”

“I’m just curious, why not? It would be easier. More cost effective. And I’m no social scientist, but I would think it might inspire more… fear?”

“No—” he scoffed, raising a finger. Was that a hint of red on his cheeks? She would have to log this. “—Beast Island is a fate worse than death. Those condemned there have only their own failures to blame for their… failures! It is a much MORE terrifying punishment than… than...”

“Heads on spikes? I’m not sure that’s coming across to your soldiers, though.” She downed the rest of her drink and pulled up the datapad. “78% of cadets over the age of 13 believe Beast Island is a fabrication told to keep them in line.”

“...where did you get that number?”

“Commander Cobalt gave me the statistics from his semi-annual survey.” The Horde school teacher asked a lot of good questions. “He said Shadow Weaver refused to take any of it into account for the cadet curriculum.”

“Beast Island is real,” he growled. His hand grazed her hair as he pushed the datapad away. “I have been there. I will say nothing more.” He folded his technologically advanced arms and looked away.

Entrapta had seen that file as well. The record of the only Horde expedition to Beast Island wasn’t very detailed, but it mentioned Huntara as one of the soldiers who had accompanied Hordak there. She was given the highest of accolades for her service there, only to perish on a mission to the Crimson Waste two weeks later, along with ten other soldiers. Cobalt had some soft science theories about the psychological effects of the trip, but that was far out of Entrapta’s field of expertise.

She inched closer to him. “But we’re sending Catra to the Crimson Waste.”

“We are,” he sighed, giving her a wry smile. “Though I do not expect her to return.”

“I disagree.” She strummed her fingers on the datapad. “My research gives her a good chance of survival.”

“Yes, she may survive. She is more capable than most...” He tilted his head, squinting. “But it doesn’t mean she’ll be back.”

This stung in a way she wasn’t prepared for. “You mean — you think— she’ll abandon us?” Entrapta flipped down her mask. Imp squeaked and bopped Hordak on the head with his tail.

“It is what I suspect others have done.” His ears drooped. “That is why I didn’t want to send her there in the first place. It would be a waste of resources to hunt defectors down in a deadly wasteland!”

Her breath fogged up the inside of the mask. “But then we won’t get the First Ones tech!”

“Entrapta...” he said softly, holding up his hands. “I had rather thought saving your friend from a fate worse than death would be your top priority. I thought that is why you were upset with me.”

“...” A more charitable reading than most people would have given her, but not wrong. She flipped up her mask. “It was. But I wanted the tech too.”

His ears didn’t know which direction to go. “Is there something else you would have me do?”

She thought it over. It was touching that he was willing to let an untrustworthy prisoner go for her, though not entirely surprising given past trends. “No. Catra will come back, if you give her the chance. She’s my friend.”

Hordak pursed his lips skeptically, then nodded. “I will give her the chance, but I will not be kind about it.” He stood, adjusting his cape, then looked at her with a tiny smile. “Will you come back to the lab with me?”

“Yes.” She grinned back. “But first you have to go to your assembly.”

He looked at the time, scowling, and smoothed back his hair. “Let’s get it over with then.”

“Heads on spikes?” Imp said, with a belch.

“No.” Hordak pointed a talon, then offered his arm. As Imp jumped on him, the fizzy drink slipped from his tiny hands. Entrapta’s hair caught it before it could spill all over his cybernetics (somewhere in an alternate universe, the war came to a swift end.)

When they got to the door, Hordak suddenly stopped, turned, and held out his other (Impless) arm to her. Entrapta was halfway to cracking it open to analyze his circuitry before she realized he was offering to… escort her? He seemed just as surprised about it as she was. His ears drooped again, with a hint of pink across his cheeks.

Beaming, she wrapped her hair around his armored forearm, mentally noting every bit of feedback.

“I still need to choose a new second-in-command,” he said stiffly, as they entered the hall.

“Ooh, how about Commander Cobalt? He’s served you faithfully for 25 years and has a degree in military science.”

“I was thinking of Force Captain Scorpia. Someone who would never betray me...”

* * *

Notes:

Presumably, Emily was helping Scorpia hide the body of the prison guard she threw into the abyss (with no consequences.)

Commander Cobalt is the blue fuzzy guy who trains the Horde cadets and also the secret mastermind behind everything.

I'm surely headcanoning against authorial intent with Hordak acknowledging Catra has a chance of surviving the Crimson Waste, but I feel like this whole storyline was a bit of a mess in canon ... so here's me trying to clean it up.

[dreamaboutwhathappens]

little rep tour things

feeling your heart physically crumple and fall out of your chest when the tour starts and all you hear is reporters saying hateful things

and all those clips from previous eras?? and people are trying to hurt her??? and it’s just... so much pain???

it’s BUILDING and everyone’s yelling and 

then

BABY LET THE GAMES BEGIN

silence....

“are you ready for it?”

the arena EXPLODES

when she says “i know i’m gonna be with you” and you feel like she’s talking to you

“he can be my jailer” BANG BANG “burton to this taylor” BANG BANG

the choreography during ready for it just awakening something inside of you

when she goes up on “are you ready for IT”

THHE HIGHER UP HARMONY SHE SINGS ON THE LAST TWO LINES OF READY FOR IT

at this point we’re all in tears because we know the games have begun

the two dancers falling in slow mo as she says “i play em like a violin”

the whole intro to i did something bad is slowed and drawn out because every single lyric has so much meaning and you feel ALL OF IT

the laugh she does after “and i make it look it oh so easy”

“they tell me threEEEEE”

fanning herself and then rolling her eyes during “all he thinks about is me”  alsdkjf

IF A MAN TALKS SHIT THEN I OWE HIM NOTHING

SILENCE

every single person on stage RAVING during idsb

“then he had it comING”

the fireworks actually setting you on fire during BANG BANG good BANG BANG 

when she sings “they’re burning all the witches even if you aren’t one” and she’s reaching out to all the dancers that pass her by and they leap away :(

“and it’s just for fun” you’re right and you should say it

“light... me... uuuuuuppp” all seductive and then RADIDIDIDIDIDIDI DI DAH

she just murdered every single human man in a 50 mile vicinity

she thanks us for being there as if??? WE aren’t thankful to be with her???

“even more than beautiful.... what is that called? GORGEOUS”

we all know at least one (1) person who brought a triangle just for gorgeous

(and we worship those people every sunday)

gorgeous being just for the ladies of the rep tour :’)))

the cat stickers!!!! it’s what those soft ladies Deserve

the little jump choreography in gorgeous!! with the circle arm thing!!

a song starts building and you can’t tell what.... and then...

YOU GOT THAT JAMES DEAN DAYDREAM LOOK IN YOUR EYEEE

EVERYONE’S LOSING THEIR MIND

STYLE NEVER SOUNDED SO GOOD

all that strutting she does.... please step on me..... ple,ase

when she introduces her band during love story... the people who have been there from the beginning, been there since love story, and stuck with her ever since

(i’m bawling)

amos ROCKING out, doing that thing he always does where he stands with his legs far apart

taylor booping paul’s nose :)

taylor and amos and paul :)

LOVE STORY FADING SEAMLESSLY INTO YBWM

the “you know you’re bout to cry” CLAP CLAP lives on :’)

the whole arena BOUNCING during ybwm

the echoey choppy montage of all the previous eras and everyone’s like what’s? going on?

the rock intro of lwymmd KNOCKING YOU DEAD

the spooky ghost like background ooo’s

KARYN COMING OUT AND SAYING HELLO

tiffany haddish being so done “cuz she’s DEAD” duh

end game!!!! she’s on the tour even though no one thought she would be and i’m so glad to see her

literally any of the dancers from this tour could walk on my face and i would be so happy

the drums in king of my heart yeAH THOSE ONES 

the king of my heart playoff is so HYPE with all the drums and the electric guitar and WOW

she gave everyone light up bracelets because she wanted to see all of us :’)

ONE

TWO

THREE

LET’S GO

BITCH

the golden thing she flies in above the crowd and all the visuals are of space and she’s just floating through the cosmos

all the delicate dresses being equally Iconique

SHAKE IT OFF!!! IS SO GROOVY AND BOPPY :D

camila and charli coming to sing shake it off with taylor because shake it off was always meant to be one big dance party where everyone was invited 

dancing with our hands tied and so it goes are both so.... multi faceted. they both sound so good with a band and production and then, acoustically, it sounds just as good?

It’s the Duality of Man.

she went so out of her way to make sure that the surprise songs were always something that we wanted to hear??? she’s so thoughtful

she walked through the crowd again after not on the 1989 tour and i am: a mess of tears and tissues

her cool lil camo jacket that has all the patches on it!!!! i love her so mUch

BLANK SPACE IS JUST AS SASSY AND ROCKING AS EVER

when she talks about seeing us putting on costumes based on lyrics so she wanted to put on a dress for dress to be just like us :’)

those cool fabric waver people!!! you know the ones!!!!! 

eVerything about dress was so pERFECT all the lighting and her flowy skirt and just.... everything matched the vibe of the song flawlessly

“everything just stops” aND EVERYTHING

STOPS

NO LIGHTS NO SOUND

EVERYBODY’S YELLING

when she takes off her dress on the very last “only bought this dress so you could take it off”

BAD BLOOD SOUNDS SO?? GOOD???

the snake cage sdkflsd

then! there’s banjo! and it sounds familiar but like... what is it?

and thEN

SHOULDA SAID NO! SHOULDA GONE HOME!

those two songs fit so well together??? how???????

they have the same Energy. it was Meant to Be.

there are PEOPLE flying through the AIR for REAL  w h a t

everyone simultaneously yelling “you forgive you forget but you never let it GO” because it’s just Understood

david going OFF on the keyboard on the should’ve said no playoff

it’s pitch black and then... mmmMMM

suddenly, we have been taken to church

the way you could feel the rise in temperature because of all the FIRE

sis really pops off during don’t blame me

literally....,.,...., she’s been possessed. hitting the floor, throwing her head back..... AND I LOVE IT

every single vocal in don’t blame me is? stunning? breathtaking? award-winning??? 75,000 people were all found dead instantly

all the dancers dressed in those big black outfits felt like they were nightmares creeping up behind her, like the manifestation of all the people who said “she’s gone too far this time”

PAUL RIFFING DURING DON’T BLAME ME YES GOD

and all of a sudden, there’s a piano behind her. we know what’s coming. the arena collectively bursts into tears.

“this song for me has always been about you”

what did we ever do to deserve her?

long live and new years day are so beautiful together... long live is about being on the top of the world with the people you love the most, in all its glory, and new years day is about being with the people love the most, without any glory or victory, and it still feeling just as sweet.

the way she sings it. you can feel that she means every single word

everyone in the arena has their arms around each other and is swaying

nothing has ever been more meaningful.

you thought you were done crying?? HA. let’s read ‘why she disappeared’ it’ll be fun!

after bawling to near years day, having made it this far in the concert, after all the songs about being torn apart and trying to get over your bad reputation, you feel like you really have bathed in your brokenness. 

and now, in a stadium of so many people who have been through exactly what you have, you are standing there, with a love that really is something, not just the idea of something. taylor is that love.

aaAAND WE’RE BACK TO BOPPING

the visuals for getaway car were so cool?? you really felt like you were driving in a getaway car through a forgotten wasteland, on the run from your demons

WE NEVER! HAD A SHOTGUN! SHOT! IN! THE DARK!!!

the cute lil slide dance she does in the “ahhhhh”

the way she almost waltzes with her dancers during call it what you want! all of that song just flows like a daydream

taylor is the one i’m walking to :)

all the dancers have so much personality!!! i would do anything for them!!!

the newspaper confetti starts falling at “would you run away with me? yes.” because despite all the things said about her in the media, we still run away with her. :’)

OOOO OOO OOO OOOOO RESONATING IN YOUR SOUL

WE!! ARE NEVER EVER EVER!! GETTING BACK! TOGETHER!!!

THIS IS THE BIGGEST HAPPIEST DANCE PARTY I’VE EVER BEEN TO!!!!

and then!! the OOOOOOOOO OOOOOO, AND HERE’S TO MY REAL FRIENDS

I’M CRYING! I’M BAWLING!!!!

I’VE NEVER BEEN SO HAPPY AND FREE

the FOUNTAIN the MANSION we’re ALL swimming in a champagne sea and dancing and feeling so gatsby for that! whole! year!

WHEN ALL THE DANCERS ARE LAUGHING AND NONE OF THEM CAN SAY IT WITH A STRAIGHT FACE

we may not be able to have nice things all the time, but tonight at the tour, we certainly did.

this tour was for us, beyond a shadow of a doubt. and dancing and singing and crying and laughing felt so special and meaningful, and as we all walk to our cars, we’re skipping and humming because we know that we just had the best night of our lives.

thank you for this tour, @taylorswift. we’ll always, always be grateful.

[allbeendonebefore]

Hapo Reads Calgary History pt 1. 1875-1895

get ready for some biased edmontonian whinging from me. I may make comics out of some of this info later, probably. 

This is going to be some highlights and out of context cackling but I figured I owe you a preface to see where I’m approaching this info from.

So let me set the stage for you, its the early 1800s and the rockies are lorge the buffalo are runnin and up north in the beaver hills and aspen forests my own lil Fort Edmonton is about 30 years old give or take. Fort Ed has been a fur trading post since it was founded and now is completely monopolized by the HBC- it’s the second oldest fort in what is now Alberta (though it was separate from Alberta until the 20th century) and they trade primarily with the local Cree and have a real tense relationship with the Blackfoot Confederacy who tend to be more based in the south, the part of Alberta that would actually be known as Alberta by Calgary’s foundation. 

The Blackfoot however do trade at times with the HBC but are frustrated because the only HBC posts are either Edmonton (which is Way up north) and Rocky Mountain House (which of course is in the Rockies and also difficult and far). So here’s an idea, why don’t you make a fort on the Bow? The HBC comes down in the 1820s, looks around, ‘there’s no beaver here and also its dangerous??’ and ditched immediately, but finally gave in when the Blackfoot threatened to take their business south of the border to the states. The HBC caved, built a post on the Bow, and then abandoned it in the winter because for whatever reason the proprietor “feared for his life”. It was a disaster and the HBC ditched the whole operation. The only forts that moved into the area were whiskey trading forts like Fort Whoop Up (Lethbridge) that wreaked absolute havoc amongst the native peoples. A massacre near Cypress Hills in 1873 prompted the creation of the North West Mounted Police (the Mounties) to stop the whiskey trade, and this is the reason The Fort on the Bow- what would become Calgary- was established in ‘75.

SO LET’s GET TO THE CAL FacTS yahoo

- A lot of young men joined the mounties because you get a horse, you get a sweet uniform, and maybe you get to punch a few bad guys. They left from Manitoba and showed up in Alberta thirsty, with dysentery, covered in mosquito bites, and hopelessly lost. 

- The whiskey traders they were supposed to be fighting had such a huge base of operations they managed to evacuate whenever the police came after them to the point that they arrived at Fort Whoop Up, one of the most notorious whiskey forts in western Canada, and there were only two people there who offered to give them a tour of the abandoned fort. Fighting bad guys quickly turned into just finding and keeping up with bad guys. 

- The thing is, they did a great job cleaning up the whiskey trade in Alberta, but they ended up hiring ex-whiskey runners from Montana anyway to build the fort itself. An ex-whiskey runner hauled up a billiard table from Montana, built a dance hall, and hosted the first Christmas dance for the fort. He also made his own beer and candies which he sold.

- The first people to settle down in Calgary were a handful of Metis families from Edmonton who made their living freighting goods back and forth between the two forts. Reverend John McDougall also came down to set up a mission and his family was generally credited with bringing the first herd of cattle and starting the first ranch in what would be Cowtown.

- Calgary wasn’t an HBC fort, but the HBC shop came to them on the river. When the shop turned up they came with goods totally archaic and the mounties were like ?!?!? ‘this knife and capote should be in a museum lol’ ‘flintlock muskets are you srs’. Items “as rare as the dodo”, as Captain Denny put it. 

- I’ve been over the Brisebois thing a few times but this book is killing me: “Brisebois, Alberta? The Brisebois Stampede? Hmmm...”

- To set up Calgary as viable ranch land, the buffalo had to be killed off and First Nations people “subdued”. Treaty 7 was signed and the local First Nations were given reservations. The Sarcee led by Chief Bull Head had been reduced to less than 300 people and were not given their own reserve but a corner of the Blackfoot’s- for this, they rode into Calgary and held the fort hostage, threatening to burn it down if their demands were not met. They were given a reserve southwest of Calgary and two wagon loads of food were sent from Fort Macleod. 

- Fort Macleod, another NWMP fort, kind of seems to have more of a big-brotherly role to Cal than Ed would have had at this point, but Cal, the spoiled baby of the forts, would take some delight in snubbing them both. 

- Americans? Americans! The first big herd was brought up in the mid 1870s from Montana by veterans of the big cattle drives from the southern states to the north. The Americans tended to be from Montana, Oregon, and Texas. Alberta was a fresh and perhaps final opportunity for this work. 

- The American cowboy culture swept in but was curiously balanced with the ranchers- many were retired NWMP officers, and many of them had connections in Great Britain. Calgary became a spot for sightseeing and sport for upperclass Brits, so the cowboy/court culture was incredibly bizarre to the point where these english lords would literally start writing themselves dictionaries of cowboy slang because the two Englishes were SO different

- As an added note on personal headcanons, I’ve always thought of Cal as on the rancher side of this divide and Bert as the kid who gets swept up in the schemes of his new American friends. Berdie would be a little older than Cal but also employed by him- so essentially while Cal would be sipping tea and playing polo, Ralph would be a stones throw away swilling coffee and planning to shoot up main street with his unsavory American pals. Cal of course being a kid would probably also find this culture fascinating so it’s likely he would have come home covered in mud on more than one occasion.

- That said I don’t know a lot of history from that side of the border really- @thisnameisquitegooey has filled me in on some context for Texas at this point of course, but idk what Montana or Oregon would have been like. Mostly (western) Canadian history is “Ahh. Scary. Guns. Scary. Factories and booze and stuff. Don’t go there.” when it comes to American history. (In comparison Eastern Canadian history is either “WE WILL NEVER FORGIVE THEM FOR YORK” or “aww boston is awrite we share christmas trees every year britain can suck it”

- Calgary ladies were rough and tough too- Mrs Cochrane liked to go hunting with the boys (for coyote rather than fox), Bea Godden rode 96km for a dance, and Mrs Walter Skrene wrote “I like a flannel shirt and liberty” and if that isn’t the most western Canadian thing you’ve ever heard....

- Calgary was still a city of tents when the CPR was being built. Checking into the Far West Hotel meant the privilege of sleeping in your own blanket on the floor - as opposed to what, I wonder?

- “The greatest commercial centre west of Winnipeg” “A burgeoning Chicago”

- “The CPR line guaranteed Calgary a future life, but as to punish it for its good fortune, the CPR made a last-minute decision that threw the young town into chaos.” I CAN’t IMAGINE WHAT /THAT/ FEELS LIKE. “Before 1883, most construction in Calgary had been on the east side of the Elbow. A main street had formed there. The CPR was ready to build a station in that locale but thought the asking price for the land was too high. Suddenly, they crossed the Elbow and built a station and repair sheds west of Fort Calgary. “The result,” wrote Cecil Denny, “was that the whole town followed.” Oh BOO HOO. YOU MOVED TO THE LEFT SLIGHTLY, HOW HARD. 

- There was this prejudice in Eastern Canada that Western Canada was a wasteland and that crops wouldn’t grow so to prove them wrong Calgary decorated a CPR rail car with six foot wheat sheaves and giant vegetables and sent it over just to say “I TOLD YOU SO”. This Exhibition was the ancestor of the Stampede. 

- Of course everyone freaked out about the North West Rebellion but nothing really happened except the Canadian Militia (regiments from Winnipeg and Montreal) met up in Calgary with the NWMP and they went up North to go check on Ed (who was Totally Fine and may have accidentally shot a cannon ball at them one time)

- The Duchess of Sommerset reported that breakfast was “the toughest of beef steaks” and there was “no butter procurable”. She also noted the hotels were mostly just clubs for local ranchers to hang around in and smoke and didn’t like that much.

- Oblligatory EVERYTHING IS ON FIRE time where half the business section got destroyed, estimated loss of $100,000. The winter after was equally terrible and cost a lot of ranchers many cows- it was the wake up call that CHINOOKS AREN’T GOOD ENOUGH HA. 

- After the fire Calgary got paranoid about building everything out of wood and there was a sandstone fad in building instead (See: Old City Hall, the Lougheed Mansion). 

- “At this point in history Edmonton’s prospects seemed almost pathetic.” DO YOU WANT TO FIGHT ME PAL Anyway poor Ed was population 700 while Cal was 2,500, large enough to be incorporated as a city in 1894. “Calgary seemed destined to conquer, and effortlessly so.” [sticks out tongue]