#never had any dysphoria about it and technically still don't and I've never wanted to have bottom surgery

[rogueddie]

. probably tmi in the tags .

[plural-culture-is]

Okay, I'm seriously questioning being a plural or somehow counting as a plural because there are a LOT of common experiences of plurals that don't feel right but also a LOT of common experiences of plurals which is something I've had for as long as I can remember

When I was younger, I had at least 4 imaginary friends that I honestly don't remember much about, but I probably didn't control or didn't feel like I controlled any of them, as they did things on their own that were a bit difficult for a child at my age to think, like sit somewhere on their own because they were tired (according to my mother) and still had quite a different personality from me, but they weren't inspired by me at all (as a girl from rainbow hair who wore jeans? I DON'T EVEN LIKE JEANS!!!), but I honestly don't know if I really imagined them on my own or not, I just know that they disappeared some time later and I never saw them again

Sometimes, when I'm really stressed, I write texts talking about how I would protect myself or how I would treat myself well if I "were there" and hmmm maybe it's just some form of self embracement? idk

Since I was very young, I've had A LOT of problems with identities, including various dissociations (with unusual frequency) where I couldn't look at or think about my face or myself in general without literally feeling unreal, or somehow "in the wrong body", I thought for a while that it could be dysphoria or something but I realized that no, it's just feeling like I shouldn't be there but also feeling like you shouldn't be anywhere or even exist in fact. Also, my gender is inconsistent, I don't have ANY name or title that I'm comfortable with or that "sounds like me" (and even when one sounds good, once I start using it it always starts to sound wrong), my pronouns are endless because there's no right pronoun for me so I just accept them all, my sexuality and feelings in general also always seem SO weird, like I don't have any fixed identity, like I'm a shapeshifter who changes all the time and doesn't have a single true or close to true form, and that's annoying. It almost doesn't even feel like I'm a person. I don't even identify as human or feel like I'm any species or concept, everything feels right and wrong at the same time.

I don't inherently feel like there are people in my brain that are separate from me, but I feel like my identity is a weird mix of various people's identities, like there's nothing right because technically all of this is right and all of that is wrong at the same time.

I, since I heard about the experiences of being a system, felt something very strange, like a feeling that I should be that. Something like an ache because "hm, I should be that, but for some bad luck I'm not", it was almost sad, like "bro i want to be a separate person instead of THAT WEIRD MIX"

I also don't feel like there are people "controlling" me, nor do I "hear voices" (no more than those normal voices of thought), much less do I have an "inner world", I just... I feel like I am "one thing that shouldn't be just ONE thing", if that makes sense, like "I'm just one person, but something tells me there should be more people here" and at the same time it scares me because my whole I've been that "together", I also know that it seems wrong to say that I'm "just one person" because I technically AM one person, but not in the way that one person is just one person, but in the way that a fusion of Steven Universe could be considered one person while assuming that it is a mixture of different people that have come together so well that there is now only one person.

I think that's it? I'll probably say more if I remember, so I'll just call myself "🤔 anon" for now

(Btw, if it's important information: I'm autistic, I have ADHD, I have OCD, I'm probably BPD and I'm almost certainly AvPD, and maybe-but-not-sure DPD and do have trauma so... hm, i hope it helps 🐞)

(🤔 anon) ANOTHER VERY COMMON EXPERIENCE FOR ME is how many times I find myself saying "we" did something when I mean "I" did something. But "I" always feels wrong because I feel like there were more "parts" of me in that situation. Maybe it's something along the lines of "I had too many thoughts at the time to say it was just one person thinking", but I'm not entirely sure.

Another experience that I also think is important to mention: There is a kind of fictional "default" scenario in my brain that I usually imagine myself. It's almost like a world of its own and I can almost feel myself there. It's my grandmother's house (where, funnily enough, most of my dreams, that aren't in totally non-existent places, happen) and there's a kind of party going on, so all the people at the party (my family) are gathered in one place and sometimes I automatically start imagining myself in this scenario showing them things. Other times, that scenario is a little less visual, but I'm still showing them all these things and listening to their docile responses. They practically NEVER react like my family would (or even close to it) and in fact, even though in my head their image is VERY LIKE my family, I never refer to them by my family names, let alone feel any connection to them and my real family.

Of course I have a few other imaginary scenarios, like when I imagine myself hosting a show or something, but it's different, because those are more conscious scenarios, whereas it almost feels wrong not to talk to "my fictional family" if I like to something. Maybe this is just a way of dealing with the fact that I don't feel like there are enough people in my life that I can talk about my tastes, but it's still weird that I can spend literally 4 hours straight in a quiet room without a single device or distraction, just talking to my fictional family about anything.

Also, another thing that might be useful: I've tried MANY times to separate myself into several "persons" to try to understand my identity, but I always have to fill in endless blanks and it's literally impossible for me to say which traits of mine match each of these "persons".

Think of it as seeing a ball of yarn and trying to unravel it in order to make several clothes because it was big enough to make dozens of coats! But then you started to unravel it and you realized how all these threads are too small to make one garment by themselves, but they are all too different to come together to make one garment. So all those threads are stuck in the state of "being a mess" because there isn't anything they could be harmoniously, whether it's several whole garments or a single garment made up of all the threads.

honestly some of that is relatable for us, those were some of our feelings when we were first questioning if we're a system. maybe you're a median system, which could be why you can't separate yourself into distinct individuals, or maybe you have did/osdd which means you don't necessarily have to identify as plural, you could see it in the more medicalised view of you're not multiple people, but you do have different identities that you dissociate between (and if you don't have distinct identities it's more likely to be osdd-1a). also, as a monoconscious system, we don't usually "hear" headmates speaking because in order for them to speak they'd have to be conscious, and it's difficult for more than one headmate to be conscious at once. we also don't feel anyone "controlling" us because we have non-possessive switches, so we just feel as though we become each other. so that's possibly what's going on for you. or maybe you're another type of plural that doesn't have a name yet or we haven't heard of. also that family thing is interesting but unfortunately i have no input to give on it. i'm asking people reading this to let anon know if you relate to any of this and maybe give your own input, if you'd like. but as always, only you can know if you're a system. also having an unstable identity and taking on traits of other people can be a part of bpd. so just make sure you do your research before you decide what label/s (if any) to go with!

[starmonsterrr]

shuffles in-

you’re like. The only otherkin I’m familiar with so uhm! Curious genuine questions time, how do you figure out??? All of that???? Do you know of any resources I could use to familiarize myself???

Thank you for your time/your help, don’t feel pressured to answer this!!

💫

[ * Alright, this is a complex one, but quite fun to answer! ]

[ * For this I will talk about my dragonkin identity since it is the one I am the most familiarized with and also what set off my journey into exploring my alterhumanity! ]

[ * It started one day, I don't know how, but I started investigating about otherkin and therians. I don't remember well how i found the term, pretty sure it was because one of my favourite animators made an animation meme subtly about therianthropy, one thing led to another, I found the therian term, then the otherkin term, and got curious. ]

[ * Across my whole life I've had the sensation of being something not human. I've always had some sort of attachment to non-human animals, more specifically by seeing myself as one of them, rather than a human. This should explain why I was intrigued by this term. ]

[ * So I started looking into my past and how I envision myself, with help of my mom because parents love documenting their children's lives. ]

[ * I realized I display quite a bunch of dragon-like behavior, though the peak of that was when I was a little pup... Hatchling... Protostar... Tiny young creature... You get the point ]

[ * I hoarded items, did dragon noises (sometimes to scare other kids at McDonald's and even did some weird pose for that too), really wanted to fly (I still do), I even had a dragon costume I would wear ENDLESSLY because I wanted to be a dragon that much. (Honestly present me would do that too) ]

[ * There was even one time i tried to make paws out of foam so I could walk on all fours without harming my hands. With the paw pads and all. ]

[ * I don't remember having any shifts, and it may be a good time to clarify that not every alterhuman ('kin or therian) has shifts, but it is quite a common experience in the community. ]

[ * What I do remember however is feeling like I could move my ears and trying to show other kids that I could move them, but they never saw them move. Turns out these are phantom ears I have pretty much all the time, though it is hard for me to make out the shape. ]

[ * Now, these are past experiences, and people change, so it is important to take a look at the present too. Think. How do you feel about being human? Does it suit you? Do you think of yourself as a human just like everyone around you is? Envision yourself. Are you human or something else? ]

[ * The vision I had of my true self was a prime puzzle piece discovering in realizing I am otherkin. Remember it is not just experiences, it is also affected by how you view yourself, and it changes over time too. Same goes for therianthropy. ]

[ * Whenever I used dragon-like (or fox-like) characters to represent myself, these weren't really just "representations". Turns out, it was my vision of what I was supposed to look like. And it changed as I learned about myself and grew. ]

[ * So, once again, think. Think for as long as you need: does being human describe you? Does it feel right, or wrong? Do you feel disconnected from humanity? (This doesn't necessarily have to tie to dysphoria, though that is the case for me.) ]

[ * Took me a bit to really figure it out, but I've always had a hunch I was a dragon. ]

[ * Sorry if this is confusing or badly formatted or idk, it's pretty late for me. A final tip I will give is to ask around on otherkin/therian Tumblr for help figuring out things! Also my go-to source for info on otherkin (well. Technically therianthropy, which is a separate community and I do not mean to use the words therian and otherkin interchangeably) is the channel Therian Territory on YouTube. ]

[ * I think what I would do is: take a look at videos explaining otherkinnity and therianthropy, people talking about their experiences etc. And then ask any questions you come up with on alterhuman tumblr. Tags such as #therian, #otherkin, #alterhuman, etc. #fictionkin if you feel like you may be a fictional character. If you're questioning something specific, let's say unicorn otherkin, tag it as #unicornkin, or kangaroo theriotype, then #kangaroo therian. I hope this seems clear enough. ]

[ * off I go to eep ]

[waterdhaviancheesecake]

heehee doing it again, questions from this post

What was your Tav’s place of birth and raising like?

Varien is originally from Elturel, but left before... all that went down. They lived in a poor area with a nearly absent mother and mainly raised themself. They lacked the social skills to make friends with other humanoid children but bonded easily with the animals that roamed the streets. They were maybe 16 when they left home after putting up with enough abuse. Initially, they fled to the Reaching Woods with the intention to die, but was taken in by an enclave of druids who taught them to survive the forests' harsh winters and ever growing packs of gnolls.

What relationship did your Tav have with their family/guardian(s) growing up? Has that changed with age?

There practically was no relationship due to the neglect. They consider themself without family altogether. They don't know whatever became of their mother, and it's likely they never will.

Did your Tav receive any formal or informal education? If yes, how well did they learn? If no, why not?

It was the druids who taught them how to read, write, and the skills they needed to live in the wilderness. They were difficult to teach and struggled to grasp many concepts, maybe that's why they never imparted their knowledge of druidic magic to them.

What hobbies does your Tav have? How did they acquire these interests?

Varien made up for their poor writing skill in their ability to draw, which is why even though they can write well enough now, they still prefer to keep their journal in the form of drawings. They also gained an interest in body modification, giving themself tattoos and piercings. This was born from their gender dysphoria and desire to control the appearance of their body, as well as feeling that they were able to honor Silvanus through the shedding of their own blood.

Did your Tav have any formal or informal employment? If yes, what was their job? If no, how did they make ends meet? How did they feel about it?

they initially became a ranger as repayment for the original druids for taking them in, and when they were wiped by gnolls, they travelled and simply survived on nature's bounty until finding the Emerald Grove druids. They like these druids much better and feel more appreciated for their work protecting them and the land from those who wish harm. They have no need for money, what they seek is purpose, and they found it.

What is your Tav’s favourite childhood memory?

They remember so little, and what they do remember is negative. not to be edgy but they don't really have one.

What circumstances led to your Tav becoming their Class/Subclass?

well I've technically answered this one. they're a beast master because of how they're more versed with animal behavior than that of people. They will, post game, respec to a druid because they decide enough is enough and theyre determined to learn their magic.

Did your Tav have any romantic and/or sexual relationships prior to their illithid adventure? If yes, who was it with and what was it like? If no, how did they feel about being single?

no, and they were miserable. They desperately wanted a romantic connection but had such a damaged self image they wouldn't allow that for themself. Having to survive predation as a vulnerable youth, a sexual connection was out of the question. They had very buried feelings for Halsin, but things didn't line up for the two of them until Varien was already in a relationship with monogamous Gale.

What was your Tav doing when they were taken by the mind flayers?

Varien was dispatched on a tracking mission to find refugees from Zevlor's group who had gotten separated on the way to the Grove. They were gone for a while, which is why they didn't know Halsin had left and gotten captured until returning with their new infected friends.

What would your Tav consider to be their greatest skill? Is this accurate?

Staying out of the way. Their actual greatest skill would be gaining the trust of even the most savage of beasts.

What would your Tav consider to be their greatest flaw? Is this accurate?

it would be a long list, none of it would be true. Their greatest flaw is their chronic self esteem problem that constantly holds them back from happiness.

What opinion does your Tav have about the Gods?

Gods are fickle beings who mainly look out for themselves, but they don't consider this to be an inherently bad thing, as often gods' desires can align with mortals' needs. They worship Silvanus, and through their prayers they earned their hormonal balance that favors testosterone, aiding their transition.

How does your Tav feel about the wilderness?

The wild is everything. life, death. fire, ice. peace, chaos. growth, decay. it inspires them like nothing else, and they find peace knowing that their passing will be part of this ever turning cycle of everything.

How does your Tav feel about the city?

it feels unbalanced, loud, smelly, stuffy. it's over stimulating and terrifying. the water is tainted and the air is heavy, whatever grows is removed with no regard for its life. yet, they don't think the city is completely lost land. they dream of a city that welcomes nature in. they think that maybe one day, a city can be convinced to try to strike a balance with nature and find peace with it. Something that Silvanus may not agree with, but they still feel could be.

What motivates your Tav to either embrace or resist the tadpole?

they don't want to be Illithid. they don't welcome the tadpole because they want control over their own body, and that means no roommates.

How does your Tav feel about killing?

death is a part of the cycle of all that is, and in nature you must be prepared to kill to live. They prefer not to, and they don't believe in killing for the sake of killing, but they will kill to protect others.

How good of a liar is your Tav? How do they feel about lying?

they spent so much time learning how to mimic mannerisms to fit in with people that they're actually a fantastic actor and good at lying. Honesty is best when dealing with those you wish to earn the respect of, but they have no qualms about using deception when the situation truly calls for it.

What is your Tav’s greatest fear?

That their life will never ever have any purpose or meaning. And after falling in love with Gale, their greatest fear becomes losing him. They finally have something godsdammit. don't take it away.

What is your Tav’s greatest desire?

They just want to feel safe. just once.

What is your Tav’s greatest regret?

They're happy that they have what they have with Gale, and do not misunderstand, they don't regret their monogamous arrangement for a second, but they do often wonder how much differently their life could've gone if they hadn't taken so long to accept love.

How does your Tav feel about love?

love is the most powerful force of all, even more so than nature. they didn't always think themself worthy, but even then they were a romantic soul. living vicariously though romance novels and finding joy in seeing couples enjoying each others company. oh how love changed them for the better.

Has your Tav become particularly close to anyone romantically and/or platonically in their journey? If so, who, and what is the relationship like? If no, why not?

Gale fixed them fr. platonically, they became especially close to damn near everyone really. That's their family, the first they've ever had. And Arabella is like the daughter they never knew they needed.

What are 2-3 songs that your Tav would relate to?

Jord - Mol, To: Achlys - Cult Leader, Alone - Heart. just to name a couple.

What first impression does your Tav give off to strangers?

kinda creepy honestly. they way they just stare silently through you, dressed in the bones and skins of animals and reeking of dirt. they seem to have the wide eyed stare of a frightened animal.

How does your Tav feel about what others think of them?

OH THEY CARE SO MUCH AND IT DEVASTATES THEM.

Does your Tav have a treasured item with them? If yes, what is it and why is it special? If no, how do they feel about item sentimentality in general?

Patch is a stuffed cat they can't rest at night without. Patch was their only friend for years, the only one they ever had to talk to. To them, Patch is alive, if not in the traditional sense. If anything happened to her, they would mourn her like any other old friend.

How does your Tav feel about giving and receiving orders?

they prefer to receive them, and feel like giving them is overstepping. However, in the heat of the moment they're actually a great leader and thus it sort of. just happened that way. it really just started with their experience with the area and went from there.

How well does your Tav function under pressure?

great as long as they don't think about it. but sometimes they do, and they crumble. Someone else has to take over.

What advice would you give to your Tav?

just suck some dick. please. also maybe like, be as nice to yourself as you are to everyone else.

What are your Tav’s intentions/goals after the end of the game?

VIBE!!!!!!!!!!!

[agere-shadow]

Age Reg breakdown

I thought it might be kind of interesting in that because my age regression range is so large of 4-15, writing down what I act like at each age and how I feel. Before I do, however, the most consistent behavior in all of them - I usually like my screen time, I'd really like a CG, I'm never all THAT confident as a person in any such regression age range, all of which are SFW interaction only due to trauma and being in the mental space of a child, and all are to help my trans euphoria to live the childhood I never had.

4-6

This is my "complete little kid" age range. I'll be entirely honest in that I've only ever gone to this age range once and it was involuntary and it was after an emotionally overwhelming day, so I just cried, wishing I had a stuffie to make it all better. I've tried to regress and make it voluntary but I've never really been in the right headspace to do so as it usually means complete vulnerability and things get complicated in that respect.

7-12

This is the one I spend the most time in. I know that its a large enough age range to be technically 2 in 1 but...this is my regression. This is the one I usually use to wind down. I typically enjoy colouring, drawing, watching TV shows, movies, playing around, listening to ASMR, I can actually do some basic chores for myself in said headspace (if I'm hungry, make myself a peanut butter sandwich). This one CAN get involuntary but not only can I mask that I've regressed but more often than not, it IS "I had a hard day at work/with my actual family...right, where's my DVD copy of St Trinians?"

13-15

This one is my "half regression" - like if I want to regress but need adult responsibilities (like if I want to regress at work), I'd usually get myself in this headspace. So regression AND responsibility is one thing but there are negatives to this one that still make me prefer the 7-12. My dysphoria acts up severely when "I'm not like other girls" and its a lot easier to annoy me in this headspace than any other here because of the misplaced transition from child to adult. It kind of turns me edgy (if you want me to curse while regressed, this is the age range to get me in). That said hanging out at a mall, finding CDs, clothes, whatever takes my fancy while like that, sometimes I'll post to my social media...it's not ALWAYS a negreg experience. This one is one where I feel the need to clarify "NO!" to people who'd ask if it was okay for NSFW interaction in relation to this age range. Take away everything I've written about the topic - I'm a non-sexual little/middle, you want me to not be, I say "no." To stop is how consent works. Yes, I'm playing that card. Do not sexualize someone's age regression if they, themselves don't see it that way

SFW Interaction Only!!

[sabakos]

.

So the mountain dew thing I posted the other day is um. Hm. I'm going to turn reblogs off on that actually. It's very good I posted it and got to see people's reactions and I think I made some people laugh with how I presented it, don't feel bad if you reblogged it. but uh. yeah. Not only is it unfortunately true, if anything I downplayed it a bit and left out the parts that weren't funny. Which I now realize I don't really want to think about every time I check my notes tab for the next few weeks. I never kept count but I'm pretty sure I spent more than just a few nights in high school curled up in pain in front of the toilet. I lost over 50 pounds in a year from that.

Kind of maybe also some not-so-unintentional self-harm was going on there I think. It fits in a pattern with some other past habits of mine that I don't post much about because, well, I don't want to turn this into a trauma blog. If you really wanna know, I was a high-functioning alcoholic until age 26. Like, rarely sober outside working hours, most of my calories from alcohol level. End-stage. Due to other personal issues ("wait sabi, weren't you in a serious LTR then?" yes and also my mom was in a psych ward, we don't have time to unpack any of that), I quit drinking cold turkey in 2019 and realized looking through old pictures on my phone that I barely remembered most of what happened in college, let alone anything before that. I don't even know if it's technically amnesia, so much as dissociating so severely from my past. I had a "bit" of a major mental collapse in fall 2019 after quitting drinking as my mind slowly remembered how to have emotions, real clutch scheduling that right before a global pandemic.

Thankfully due to doing nothing for two and a half years, I remember most of college now, and I've been able to recover almost 3 full years of high school from basically fragments in the past year alone. My liver doesn't hurt anymore. I'm also physically repulsed by alcohol as a result of the withdrawal. But it's starting to get back far enough to start reminding me of the previous mental breakdown that I had in middle school that made me almost get held back in 8th grade. I... might decide I don't need to know about anything before that for a little while. Not sure I actually have the ability to make that decision though. It will work itself out nonetheless, it will just be less pleasant.

I've actually almost never actually been suicidal or intentionally thought "oh I'm doing this to hurt myself." But I'm not just shitposting about the whole body dysphoria thing, beyond any gender stuff I just also would prefer not to deal with being a body. I hate every photograph of me as soon as I take it, I can only bear to look at any of them once enough time has gone by that I can trick my brain into thinking it's not me. I believe I drank alcohol for the same reason I drank horrifying concoctions in high school and still sometime make too spicy food or eat so many sour patch kids and takis my mouth bleeds. I only hated the stomach cramps in high school because I didn't know why I had them, but when I finally vomited so hard I puked blood and burst blood vessels in my face, it felt good. I enjoy pain, I like the feeling that my body has been hurt when I'm the one directly causing it. I'm punishing it for existing. I know a couple mutuals of mine probably know exactly what I'm talking about based on their own posts. I also know now that I'm doing this, and that I need to stop doing it. I'm not too worried now that I've figured this out.

But also I think for the first time I can remember, I actively want to continue to exist. I know on some level that I need to accept that that will include my body and not just living out my social life on the internet. I... like other people, not just in a flirty way, and I know I'm saying this on Tumblr of all places but I promise if I ever meet any of you I'm one of the weirdest fucking interesting people you'll ever meet because it's what people are telling me all the time. I'm really shy and don't know how to initiate an interaction with a stranger, but if you can get me to say anything at all, I talk endlessly in my (apparently, strange) voice, I hold my body wrong in distracting ways, I abruptly change topics when I'm not supposed to. None of this occurs to me at the time I'm doing it, and I do know how to act correctly in any situation, I'm just wholly incapable of doing so. But somehow this reads as charming and eccentric rather than horribly rude to most people I meet? People tell me I'm the strangest person they've ever met as a complement. I don't really know why.

All the memories I've recovered have contradicted my past beliefs that I've always struggled to make friends. I think I just... didn't notice? But dozens of my peers consistently made the decision to go out of their way to spend time with me almost the whole time I knew them. I don't think that was out of sympathy, I sure wasn't the Special Ed kid. So I think I actually had close friends almost my whole life from age 10 onward, many of them even? all despite the fact that I wasn't really capable of consciously reciprocating a lot of the time, and that I totally forgot in the years since that some of them even existed until later. So I want to do that again somehow, have a bunch of people I know in real life that I'm close friends with. And actually realize it this time. And I hope I'm not deluding myself with what I remember, though I've been able to independently corroborate enough that I don't think so.

Anyway if anyone was curious, that's... most of my whole brain problems deal from the parts of my life I remember. Or as much as I can condense into a post anyway. Much of it was in fact rather happy and I usually present things in a much more positive light. This post was just not about that.

[wolfislost]

☀️, 🧝‍♀️,✨, and / or 🏔 for the silly little ask-game? :3

☀️ What was your awakening like? When was it?

Hmm, tough to answer. A bit like a rollercoaster I suppose. Growing up I was very much in touch with my werewolf side, and had a crazy amount of species dysphoria. I desperately wanted to physically look like my kin type, and tried just about everything I could find online. Obviously none of it worked. As I got older there was less and less room in my life for that part of myself. Suddenly running around on all fours, growling and rolling around in grass was a lot less socially acceptable.

Around two years ago though my kintype made a really strong and unexpected comeback. I've been working on changing my life to be more, well, me. In the midst of that it was like I had reconnected with that part of myself. I'm still very new to the community, and I'm still learning to coexist with that side of me.

🧝‍♀️ Do you have any gear? If so, what items do you have and do you like to wear them?

I do have gear! I have a pair of fingerless gloves that I absolutely adore, my fangs that I ordered on etsy, and three collars that I got last summer!

I also have some stuff that isn't technically gear but still feels really affirming to wear. I have my brown canvas jacket with the fur hood, some wolf pins that are on the jacket, and a dog tag with a picture of a wolf on it.

I love wearing my gear, but I'm also fairly anxious so things like my collars and fangs pretty much never get worn outside.

✨ What are some things that validate you?

My friends!

Though I've never put a name to what I am (they're convinced that I'm a furry 😅), my friends have been super supportive of me and my "quirks". I don't change my behaviour and act on instinct, and they never make fun of me for it. It makes trips to the park very interesting! One of my friends sends me dog videos, and me and my bestie jump around in piles of leaves together. I get sent pictures of the moon because everyone knows that it's one of my "things". Even me growling when I'm angry has never been a problem.

🏔What makes you feel closer to your kintype(s)?

Tons of stuff.

Being in nature is always an awesome experience. Parks are okay, but I prefer the random patches of dense trees and brambles. I live in a city so the random outgrowths of nature at train tracks and off the side of major roads feel a lot more authentic to me. Less intentional and more like the world around us enduring.

Related to that is watching animals, and sometimes following them. Observing other animals and following behind them feels a lot like stalking.

The moon. I watch the moon, I talk to the moon, I sing to the moon. The moon is a big part of my life. When I'm more wild then it's a silent kind of veneration, sometimes shifting. When I'm more human then it becomes art- I write poetry, I draw or paint. The moon is a huge tether for me, it's part of how I connect to my kintype. It was also a huge pain in the ass when I was a child, because full moons would make my species dysphoria almost unbearable.

Dream shifts. I almost never have dream shifts, I think I've probably had three or four in my entire life. But when they do happen it's a huge source of catharsis and feels so freeing.

Being intimate with my s.o. can also make me feel more werewolfy. Something about snuggling and being close to them is equally pleasant for both halves of me.

Thanks for the ask lycanthropurrs :D

[derangedroyalfae]

Sunday, April 18, 2021 - 10:00pm

{mostly taken from a conversation with my best friend, Jem - there were some bits that I thought were worded well}

Royal (2:26 PM): Sometimes I think about taking antidepressants again if only to numb the pain. And then I remember how it made me too numb and to everything, so then I think about drinking or doing edibles, but then it still sounds awful and could possibly amplify those feelings (as alcohol usually does make me feel more upset). And that’s sometimes why self-harm becomes a substitute, because it ether distracts from those feelings or even makes you feel like your receiving punishment for whatever you’re upset about. But I know self-harm turns into a loop of guilt and shame and worrying about worrying others.

Jem (2:27 PM): I haven't heard the same about edibles that I hear about alcohol

Or marijuana in general I suppose

Royal (2:28 PM): Weed scares me. Like I’m worried I’ll have a reaction because whenever people smoke or cook it around me, I get super sick feeling. I also know Kitty had a bad reaction to edibles, like gave her ultra anxiety and hallucinations or something like that.

Jem (2:29 PM): Ah, gotcha I myself am allergic so I can't say I've tried it myself either

Royal (2:29 PM): I think I might be allergic and I don’t wanna find out the hard way

When people smoke/cook it around me, I get nauseous and a headache

Jem (2:32 PM): Yeah, I used to have two roommates that both smoked weed in our tiny apartment I used to have near constant headache until I moved out the next year

Royal (2:33 PM): I wish I could just remove those negative feelings I have: anger, sadness, jealousy, dysphoria, etc Put them somewhere far away so I wouldn’t have to deal with them, and wouldn’t have to hurt others because of them

(I tend to use dysphoria for myself as an in general term, not just with gender dysphoria, btw)

Jem (2:34 PM): Aah, yeah, I get you

Royal (2:38 PM): But even though I’m scared I’ll have a bad reaction, I’m mighty tempted to ask Hummingbird if I can try one of her edible gummies rn...

Jem (2:41 PM): I wonder if there's a way to try it in a safe/monitored way

Royal (2:41 PM): Well, if I do just one gummy

With their supervision

So if I have a bad reaction, they can watch over me or drive me to the urgent care

I love how it’s called urgent care but usually has like an hour or longer wait

Jem (2:43 PM): Ah yeah, that'd be the best way to do it Keep the phone handy too

Royal (2:45 PM): Hey, at the very least, doesn’t look like it has any interactions with my cholesterol medication

Jem (2:46 PM): That's good to know

Royal (2:50 PM): I don’t think I’ll actually follow through with it or anything, just my mind thinking of solutions

I’m feeling calmer now anyway

For now

{And then proceeded to draw this (it’s an idea I’ve had this idea for a long time now, especially since the first time I experienced extreme jealousy with Capy, but never had the courage to follow through since I’ve never done inking and rarely traditional colour, but I finally worked up the motivation to try, and honestly, it’s perfect timing as it was therapeutic to draw)}:

Royal (8:09 PM): Random question, I’m curious your thoughts on this: do you think it’s insensitive to joke about getting with other people when you’re in a relationship, especially/at least in front of your partner (at least if the two of you haven’t established a non-monogamous relationship), and even more so if you know your partner is dealing with jealousy issues?

Jem (8:12 PM): I’d think so, yeah

It's definitely odd

Unless it's like, I donno, a celebrity or something

But even then, it'd make me wonder why someone would say that if they knew already their partner was having issues

Royal (8:12 PM): Like someone they know/knew or met in the past, but 100% out of the picture now

So it’s def not a celeb

Jem (8:14 PM): Yeah then even without the jealousy issues, unless that's some sort of pre-established shared humor, it's kinda weird

Royal (8:15 PM): K, I was curious what you’d think

I agree with that too, it just feels really insensitive, at least if you’re monogamous

{Whilst I never told Jem what it was about, it has to do with something similar that had happened earlier today - though I am not technically in a monogamous relationship, so the above can’t fully apply to me. But to explain this better, I’ll have to jump back to something that happened in December 2020.

Capybara had told me about how there was this really attractive lecturer he met in the past whom if I remember correctly, spoke Greek, so his friend got him a Greek dictionary to help him try to impress her, but he never really ran into her again. I had made a comment that you know, guess it worked out for the better because then we would have never become a thing should he have actually succeeded in getting with her. And he made a joke that wasn’t the case or a joke that brushed off what I said as almost nothing. I knew he was joking, but it was kinda a really emotional time for everyone and I’m still even to this day working through my newfound romantic/sexual jealousy issues, so I took it kinda harsh at first and then eventually told him that same night how that kinda made me feel shitty.

Well, today, we were gaming with one of his friends (super great, hardworking, and nice lad) that we often play Sea of Thieves with and it turns out that was the same friend who got him the Greek dictionary, so it somehow got brought up in conversation…and just…they were joking that Capybara was Odysseus and this other woman was Odysseus’s wife and they’d find each other again one day. I can’t remember which character they assigned the friend but they were saying I could be one of the gods, and I’ll be honest, didn’t handle that situation the best, so I made a off hand comment of something like, “Guess I can be Athena or Aphrodite since they’re the jealous types, guess that works pretty well.” Don’t know if they picked up the hint. I don’t know if they were at all thinking about how this was something awkward for me, cuz I’m pretty sure the friend is aware that I’m dating Capy and is supposed to assume we’re monogamous as Capybara doesn’t really feel comfortable letting his friends or family know I have other partners. It just also happened to be a sore topic for me, cuz when Capy made that joke, even though I knew it was nothing more than a joke, it made me feel like nothing and replaceable, which I already see myself as.

Just to kinda let Capybara know that I’d prefer the topic to be dropped, I messaged him privately: “So I just remembered, it was you talking about that Greek dictionary thing to impress that girl and making a joke that like, meeting me wasn’t for the better cuz she’s still out there that kinda made me feel like shit even though it was a joke”

To which he responded with: “she's a lecturer my dude 😂 she's like in her 40's - don't worry”

And I replied with: “No I know, but it was more of the joke that followed that rubbed me wrong. At the time”

And he just sent these two emoji’s in response: 😧 😕

Immediately after our messages, as we had still been playing, he went dead silent and so I noticed this (not sure if the friend did at first) and I at first just tried to silently apologize in DM, cuz I hadn’t meant to upset him, but he still remained silent. So shortly after, I asked if we should call it quits even though it was early. I felt so guilty and I immediately sent him more apology messages and even an apology voice memo, but I assumed he turned his phone off by that point.

Once again, my jealousy got the best of me and I hurt the person I love most in the world and made a fun time involving friends go awkward. I was having a good early afternoon/late morning with him at first, and then I ruined it because I couldn’t keep my mouth shut and my jealousy under control. I’m such an asshole.}

Royal (8:22 PM): Off topic, but still on the issue of jealousy, I feel like when I have jealousy issues myself at the point I’m at, it’s like a double headed snake due to me being in a polyamorous relationship - one head are just the pre-established toxic/venomous things that come with jealousy and the other head is the guilt and shame of feeling I have no right to be jealous when I have two other partners myself thus making me feel hypocritical (and being ignorant of any potential jealousy from other partners)

It feels like those two snake heads could eat me alive with just a few bites each if I let them in

It’s such a viscous cycle and honestly, the basic head of jealousy is enough of a problem that turns my stomach, but the second head just makes me want to surrender to the earth

Jem (8:28 PM): I get you It's a lot

Emotions are hard

Royal (8:28 PM): Especially when they revolve around something or someone you already have such an emotional attachment with

And then those feelings, like feelings of jealousy, only end up making you hurt the ones you love

Making them feel guilty or annoyed or like you don’t trust them or something

Jem (8:31 PM): Tbh, as someone who generally struggles with a lot of jealousy type issues, I get that (not necessarily romantic jealousy even, but just there's undercurrents of it that are always there and present in every relationship)

I don't think it's something that can ever be fully dealt with and just I guess has to be accepted and worked around At least for me

Royal (8:33 PM): And it makes you wonder if you truly care for those if you’re so easily jealous of them, since they tell you that shouldn’t feel that way if you really love someone, that you should be able to love them blindly and trust them, and it’s not like I don’t trust, but I feel so easily discardable by those who I could never even fathom of turning my back on

Royal (8:34 PM): Honestly, I’ve even felt some jealousy toward you in the past - not romantically - but it was something I worked on

Jem (8:34 PM): What if I were to say same though haha

Royal (8:34 PM): You seemed to be doing so well with you VN and you picked up art so fast

Jem (8:35): Aah for me it's always revolving around

My need for attention tbh

Royal (8:35 PM): But I told myself, “you just need to keep trying. Feeling negatively toward someone success is selfish and gets you nowhere. Improve yourself and you can also feel that success. He’s not succeeding to hurt you in anyway - you should be happy for him.”

Or like, probably not those exact words, but ya know, that idea

Royal (8:36 PM): Yeah, I understand that too, especially growing up in a family of 6

That kinda happened the other day with Kitty (whom at this point my feelings are pretty platonic) - for over a week now I’ve been telling the girls about a game (For the King) I’ve been interested in playing with them, and the other day, Hummingbird went on a social distancing date with Crystal, so I asked Kitty if she’d like to play with me since it’d be just the two of us and she agreed. However, she had a headache, so we thought it’d be best if she napped first and if she felt better later on then we could play. When she woke up, Lapis hit her up for some gaming and Kitty decided to game with her instead and forgot she agreed to game with me...

Jem (8:41 PM): Ah, that kinda thing really sticks with me

Royal (8:41 PM): And so I’m just getting to a point where I feel like I should just stop asking them if they wanna game with me, because it’s not the first time something like this has happened (at least they don’t follow through, not a matter of them deciding to do something with someone else)

Like, I made the Murder Beans server so Capybara and Kitty (and Hummingbird if she ever decided to get Among Us) could game with my friends in the CSR Creations server, and that was back in fall...the girls never joined a game even when showing express interest and saying they would

Kitty also once went and bought Lapis like the whole Halo Master Chief Collection for Lapis cuz she was broke and wanted it, and the proceeded to play it with her and Hummingbird...and like...I also would have liked to have played Halo with them if given the opportunity, but I was never asked

Sheezus, don’t even get me started in my family and how invisible they made me feel

But yeah, I’m at a point with the girls that I don’t think it’s even worth bothering to ask anymore, at least about gaming

Hummingbird’s confusion and migraines are also coming back, so she has a legit medical excuse and I can’t really bother her about it

Jem (8:48 PM): I get you, yeah

All of those things would really bother me too They have in the past

I remember when I first joined UCSD, I started hanging out often with the girls that lived around me in the dorms And we all started watching Orphan Black together

And then I literally had no idea when they finished the show because after the first couple sessions they forgot to invite me

Royal (8:51 PM): Oof, yeah, that’d bother me too, or at least tell me how they felt about me in my mind

I don’t think with my jealousy, it’s a matter of not trusting my partner or friends or whomever, it’s just a matter of feeling such low self-worth that I feel easy to discard, and when I get brushed to the side or have someone joking along the lines as how dating me wasn’t for the better when someone else is out there, it furthers those feelings I have about myself, those feelings of self-worth and how I’m replaceable or not worth shit

Jem (8:54 PM): I get you I know mine stems from feeling forgettable

Royal (8:54 PM): I know I’m an annoying person, I know I can be a lot and emotionally draining, I know I can be hypersensitive - so I know it feels like it’d be better to be rid of that sort of force if you can find someone better who doesn’t make you feel the way I’d do

(In response to feeling forgettable) Yeah

If you remove the fun hair, piercings, and tattoo, I’m actually quite a boring person

And I’m quite isolated. If you don’t include my partners, there’s only really two people who come to mind that I’d consider close friends that I can talk to: you and someone else (you’ve never met her)

I’m getting to a point where I have a hard time talking to the girls due to the guilt I feel about me more or less wanting to be platonic with them, and then Hummingbird is constantly having a medical crisis and I’d feel bad burdening her further

So really, I’m isolated down to two people, primarily you, + Capybara, and yeah, that’s my own fault

I feel easily exhausted by my other options at this point, where I feel like I can only take Candy in small doses (which feels really hypocritical of me) and my other VA friends or gaming friends, I don’t know if I’m close enough to have those kinds of conversations with, especially the VA friends since I tend to be their boss

For the most part, the other people I’d sometimes talk about these issues with are on servers that are primarily dead, so it feels awkward to hop back in only to bitch about my life

Besides, I hate seeming like I’m only spewing forth toxicity and negative emotions over and over again

Which I worry I do too much with you as is

[rimurutempest-bounced]

[Pictured: a trans man with pale skin, short, light brown hair, and clusters of red marks on his skin. He is wearing an olive green tank top and a pair of black corded necklaces. He is smiling at the camera in the first image. The following six images are close ups of various areas around the sides of his face, neck, shoulders, chest, and back, bringing attention to many more red marks.]

It's July 1st, 2019(technically it's the 1nd now, but I'm considering this the first) and there's 3 months between now and dermatillomania awareness day/the start of BFRB awareness week.

Today I feel like sharing my current marks, scabs, and scars caused by my picking.

Many of them are sore and uncomfortable, and even the ones that aren't do get in the way of some clothing and activities like shaving. They also make me feel uncomfortable and ashamed about going outside or being seen by most people.

I've been struggling with this since I was in middle school: around two decades now. For a while, I was able to concentrate much of my compulsion to pick on inanimate objects like blankets or clothes, but that made a horrible mess and damaged those items, which can be expensive or impossible to replace. (I actually had the blanket picking behaviour before I started on my skin, and got in trouble for it often for making a mess or ruining special blankets.)

When I started developing acne, I already had internalized the shame and disgust for it that is commonplace in our society. I understood that people were supposed to pop pimples and blackheads, so I started doing that. And then I couldn't stop.

I hated it, and it hurt, and I was so ashamed of my scars and sores. It only made the acne worse, of course, so it only made me more ashamed of that too, but I HAD to keep doing it.

I tried so many times to stop. I still do. It's worse when I've just cut my nails. I usually let them get too long(which leads to accidental more injuries to myself and others, heightened dysphoria, and of course is not very hygienic in general) because I am afraid of the picking I'll do as soon as I trim them.

When they're short, the picking is more satisfying. I can feel what I'm doing better. It's disgusting. Even when I notice I'm doing it, I can't get myself to just stop by willpower.

To me, it feels like a form of self harm at times. I've had people dismiss that analysis. I'd like to do so myself, but I know there are times when I use it as punishment, or as a means of dealing with emotional numbness.

It's not the only reason I do it, but it is a factor.

I'm ashamed and weary of doing this. I'm worried I'll wind up with a dangerous infection one day from an open sore. I'm irritated with myself and impatient to stop.

I don't really have a positive message to add here. I wish I did. I think that's my hope for this post:

Maybe in 3 months, I can look back on this post and see an improvement. Maybe next year, I'll have been more successful at curbing the behaviour and recovering. Maybe I'll be free of this by the time I'm 30.

Maybe, maybe, maybe.

Why do people tell children to hate their acne? That they're ugly and disgusting for having it? It makes them unpopular and they should bend over backwards to be rid of it?

It's been 20 years and I'm still damaging my body and hating myself because millions of people convinced me as a child that I had to hate that part of myself and no one would love me or find me desirable or attractive if I had acne.

I know that's not true. I have friends and a husband who love me and remind me that I'm not ugly and disgusting to look at. My smile makes them smile. My skin is still soft to the touch in most places and I give good hugs. My husband wants me and I like most of my selfies. I feel mostly good about my appearance!

But I still hate my acne. I still have to pick, as much as I hate it. I still can't leave a pimple or blackhead alone.

I still hurt myself when I notice them, for various reasons, and can't stop. Sometimes someone has to physically move my hands away from the spot I'm picking.

Maybe I would have started doing this regardless of societal shit regarding acne, maybe not. But telling children to hate their skin, for any reason(and there are so many reasons given), will NEVER be okay. It will never result in anything but pain and self loathing, and it will make the kids lucky enough to have "perfect", smooth, pale skin grow into the sorts of people that ostracize kids with "undesirable" skin.

It's a vicious cycle and it NEEDS to be broken. Stop making children ashamed of themselves. Stop telling children to shame each other.

I'm lucky enough to have soft, pale skin, even if it's riddled with acne, scars, and angry, fresh, red marks. I know it would have been so much worse to grow up with acne and darker skin. I know how much more kids with dark skin have to struggle to be respected and accepted, especially when their skin is also too oily, too dry, not smooth enough, too hairy, or, yes, broken out in acne. I didn't have to face as much ridicule about my skin as other kids, as other teens, as other adults.

And I can only imagine and sympathize and urge people to please think of these kids.

Stop hurting children with these standards. Stop encouraging people to hurt themselves.

We should be able to look in the mirror and love the person we see! That's us! We are worthy of love and we have no reason to be ashamed! I hope we all get to feel that way one day.

When that day comes, I hope it lasts the rest of our lives.

[transadvice]

Hi there! I'm an 18 year old bisexual girl. I've been thinking for a few months (up to a year) now that I may be a trans boy. I'm scared that it's too late for me to figure it out? But I don't want to rush it, cause I'm really not sure what I feel. I know this will change so much in my life so I don't want to decide too soon. Also, my mom tried for years to have a daughter, I don't want to disappoint her. Help?

!! Eighteen is definitely not too late to figure it out!! You’re never too old, and it’s never too late.

I figured it out when I was THIRTY ONE. I know guys who are starting their transitions now in the 40s, 50s, and 60s. There is this false media narrative that trans people “always knew”, from when they were tiny kids. This is how it happens for some of us, but not all of us, and as far as I can tell not even most of us. From an informal poll of my own personal trans friends, most figured it out in their teens or 20s. So I would say 18 is right smack in the middle of average.So don’t worry about age at all. You can still be trans! 

(Also, being scared that you might not be trans on a technicality is totally trans culture.)Now I want to talk about your mom. It is so sweet of you to try to live in a way that will make your mom pleased and proud. But it’s not your job to match the dream kid she imagined before you were born. Your only job is the be the best you that you can be. If being yourself means being a boy, then that is just the way it is. Being a boy is not something you’re doing to your mom, any more than your brothers (if you have them) are being boys “at” your mom. I can’t promise she won’t be disappointed in you, because plenty of moms react badly to their kids coming out, but I can tell you that it would be WRONG of her to be disappointed in you, just as it would be wrong of her to be disappointed in you if you had been assigned male at birth. If she takes some time to mourn her imaginary version of you, try not to take it personally. It’s not your fault that cis people assign all kinds of unreasonable expectations on their children based on nothing more than an ultrasound photo or a doctor’s announcement. You are not obligated to meet those expectations. Right now, you feel like you have a choice between being a girl for your mom or being a boy for you, but I think the longer you go on the more it will be clear that’s not your choice at all. You can’t choose to be a girl if you’re not. You can continue to live as if you are a girl, to bury the truth of your gender in your secret heart, silently endure your dysphoria, and deny yourself the euphoria and joy and rightness of being seen and treated as the person you feel like inside. Or you can give up on trying so hard to please others, and start listening to yourself, honoring yourself, and walking your own road, wherever that takes you.