#new jersey devils prospects

[extraliga-related]

Šimon Nemec Gives A Roomtour

[toffoliravioli]

SEASON HASNT EVEN STARTED YET AND YALL ON SUM BULL-

[heartsandhischier]

Rink Bonds

luke hughes x female!reader

summary - 1.1k words. Figure skating reader and Michigan wolverine Luke = loveeeee

author's note - i can really see luke being like this, and i love it

warnings - none

You pushed open the heavy doors of Yost Arena, the familiar chill of the ice rink greeting you as you stepped inside. With a gap in your class schedule, you decided to make the most of it by hitting the ice for some practice. Another USFS intercollegiate competition approaching, you were determined to come out on top.

You headed to the locker room changing into your figure skating gear – black tights, a black jacket, and leg warmers – before lacing up your skates. After stowing your belongings in a locker, you grabbed your water bottle and headed to the rink. As you approached, the familiar sound of skates scraping against the ice and the clinking of hockey sticks filled your ears, indicating that you wouldn’t have the ice to yourself as you’d hoped.

Your annoyance faded, however, when you spotted the stowaway on the ice – Luke Hughes.  Swiftly moving around the ice, navigating the puck as he let it fly into the net. The youngest of the famous Hughes brothers and a New Jersey Devils prospect, Luke was a familias name around the Michigan University campus, of course you knew who he was.

You had crossed paths with him a handful of times at various parties, and during your late-night practices at the rink, you’d often find him lingering after his hockey practice. Despite these encounters, you’d never engaged in more than a few awkward hellos and goodbyes. Each time he exited the rink, you’d enter, and vice versa, exchanging fleeting glances and polite nods as you passed by each other.

As you watched Luke’s graceful movements on the ice, it was as if he belonged there, the rink his natural habitat. Removing your skate guards and placing your water bottle on the bench, you elegantly glided onto the ice. The sound of skates slicing through the ice echoed in the rink as Luke paused his movements, turning his attention towards you. His warm smile greeted you as you approached. “Practice?” he offered, leaning casually on his stick.

A smile played on your lips as you nodded in agreement. “Yeah, change in my class schedule. So figured I’d put the newfound free time to good use,” you replied. “Same,” Luke chuckled. With a nod, you both resumed your routines, the sound of skates carving the ice filling the air. 

For the next hour, you and Luke practiced on opposite sides of the rink, occasionally exchanging glances and playful banter. “You’re pretty good, Hughes,” you remarked, admiring his skill as he effortlessly sent the puck into the net.

“Likewise,” he laughed, skating around with ease.

As the weeks passed, you found yourself meeting again and again at the empty rink. It almost became an unspoken agreement between you and Luke, meeting at the same time between classes or during those late evenings when the campus was quiet.

With each meeting, your bond grew stronger, fueled by shared practices and playful banter. As you glided across the ice, Luke would often join you, his skates slicing through the surface so effortlessly. Despite the differences in your respective sports, you found common ground in your shared love for the rink.

You couldn’t help but laugh as Luke patiently tried to explain the nuances of hockey to you, his passion evident in every gesture. In return, you attempted to teach him the graceful movements of figure skating, guiding him through simple maneuvers with a patient hand. 

“Okay, so imagine you’re gliding on air,” you explain, demonstrating a graceful spin on your skates. “Now, give it a try.”

Luke nodded eagerly, his determination shining through as he attempted to mimic your movements. Though his first attempts were a bit clumsy, you couldn’t help but admire his determination.

“Almost there,” you encouraged, stifling a laugh as he stumbled and fell onto the ice, landing on his butt with a thud. 

As you focused on perfecting your flip jump, you felt a presence approaching on the ice. Turning around, you saw Luke skating towards you flashing you a charming smile. “Hey there,” he greeted, his voice carrying over the sound of skates slicing through the ice. “I was wondering if you’d like to come to my hockey game this weekend. It’s going to be a good one.”

You paused your practice, meeting his gaze with a playful smirk. “Hmm, tempting offer,” you replied, tilting your head to the side. “But only if you promise to come to my competition next week.”

Luke chuckled, his eyes sparkling with amusement. “Deal,” he agreed without hesitation, extending his hand in a mock handshake.

With a wink, Luke skated backward, resuming his practice. “Can’t wait to see you there,” he called out before speeding off across the ice. 

On the day of the hockey game, you found yourself seated in the stands, eagerly watching as the Michigan Wolverines took to the ice. During warmups, Luke skated to where you were seated in the stands, approaching with a smirk.

“I have a bet,” he declared, you smirked at him letting out a soft chuckle before urging him to go on. “If I score, you have to go on a date with me,” he continued, his confidence evident in his tone. Chuckling at his boldness, you accepted, “What if you don’t?” you asked. “We both know that won’t happen,” he winked before resuming his warm up.

As the game progressed, you watched in amazement as Luke displayed his skill on the ice, scoring goal after goal with precision and finesse. The puck went flying into the net, sending the crowd into a frenzy of cheers and applause. The arena echoed with the sound of the buzzer, a hat trick – this idiot scored a hat trick.

After the final buzzer sounded and the Michigan Wolverines secured a clear victory, Luke skated over to you with a triumphant grin on his face. “Well, what did you think?” he asked eagerly.

You couldn’t help but laugh at his enthusiasm, nodding in approval. “Impressive,” you admitted. “I mean, a hat trick? Way to show off,” you playfully remarked.

Luke let out a chuckle, his confidence soaring. “Thanks,” he replied, running a hand through his dark curls. “But I couldn’t have done it without a little motivation.” You raised an eyebrow, a playful smirk on your lips. "Oh, so it was all about our little bet, huh?" you teased. Luke chuckled, his gaze softening as he looked at you. "Partly," he admitted, his tone turning more sincere. "But mostly because I wanted to impress you." The admission caught you off guard, a warmth spreading through your chest. "Well, consider me impressed," you said, unable to hide the smile that tugged at your lips. As the crowd began to disperse, Luke turned to you with a hopeful expression. "So, about that date..." he trailed off, leaving the invitation hanging in the air. You pretended to mull it over for a moment, though the answer was already clear in your mind. 

"I suppose I owe you one.”

[cailins-posts]

Love on the Ice

Luke hughes x reader

Winter had come to Ann Arbor, Michigan, blanketing the town in a soft layer of snow. The University of Michigan's ice rink was bustling with activity as families, friends, and students took advantage of the crisp, cold air and the perfectly maintained ice. Among the skaters were NHL prospect Luke Hughes and his girlfriend of two years, Y/N.

Luke, the youngest of the Hughes brothers and a standout defenseman for the Wolverines, had planned a special afternoon of ice skating with Y/N. Though she had seen him play countless times and even joined him for practice sessions, this was their first time skating together just for fun.

As they laced up their skates, Luke's older brothers, Jack and Quinn, along with their parents, Ellen and Jim, watched with amusement. Jack, a star forward for the New Jersey Devils, and Quinn, a talented defenseman for the Vancouver Canucks, had always teased Luke about his relationship with Y/N, but they adored her like a sister.

Nearby, several of Luke's college teammates were also gearing up for some fun on the ice. The camaraderie and playful banter added to the festive atmosphere.

"Ready to show me your moves?" Luke asked, his eyes twinkling with mischief as he extended a hand to Y/N.

She took his hand, her cheeks already flushed from the cold and excitement. "Only if you promise not to laugh when I fall," she replied with a grin.

"I would never," Luke said, his tone mock-serious. "But if you do fall, I promise to catch you."

With that, they stepped onto the ice, Y/N gripping Luke's hand tightly as they glided forward. The rink was alive with laughter and chatter, the sounds of blades carving through ice creating a symphony of winter joy.

Y/N wobbled a bit at first, her legs unsteady as she tried to find her balance. Luke skated effortlessly beside her, his strong hands steadying her whenever she faltered.

"You're doing great," he encouraged, his voice warm and reassuring.

"Easy for you to say," Y/N laughed, "You've been skating since you could walk."

"True," Luke admitted, "But you're a natural."

As they skated around the rink, Jack and Quinn couldn't resist joining in the fun. They zoomed past Luke and Y/N, their playful competitiveness on full display.

"Watch out, little brother," Jack called out, "Quinn and I might just steal your girl."

"Not a chance," Luke shot back, tightening his grip on Y/N's hand. "She's mine."

Y/N giggled at their banter, feeling grateful to be part of such a loving and supportive family.

At one point, Luke decided to show off a bit, skating backwards and pulling Y/N along with him. She squealed with delight, her eyes wide with both fear and excitement.

"Don't let me fall!" she warned.

"I won't," Luke promised, his eyes locked on hers.

But despite his best efforts, there came a moment when Y/N's skate caught an edge, sending her off balance. She gasped as she felt herself tipping forward, but true to his word, Luke was there. He caught her easily, his arms wrapping around her waist and pulling her close.

"Gotcha," he whispered, his breath warm against her ear.

Y/N looked up at him, her heart pounding. "I knew you'd catch me."

Their faces were inches apart, and for a moment, the world around them seemed to fade away. Luke leaned in, capturing her lips in a sweet, lingering kiss. The cheers and whistles from his brothers and teammates brought them back to reality, and they broke apart, laughing.

"Get a room, you two!" Quinn shouted, his voice teasing.

Luke grinned, keeping his arm around Y/N as they continued to skate. "Jealous, Quinn?"

As the afternoon wore on, the Hughes family and their friends shared in the joy of the season, their laughter and love filling the rink. They played games, raced each other, and even formed a makeshift hockey game, with Luke's teammates joining in.

Ellen and Jim watched with pride, their hearts full as they saw their sons and Y/N creating such happy memories together. It was moments like these that made all the sacrifices and hard work worth it.

As the sun began to set and the rink emptied out, Luke and Y/N found themselves alone on the ice. He pulled her close, their breaths visible in the cold air.

"Thank you for today," Y/N said softly, resting her head on his chest. "It was perfect."

"Anytime," Luke replied, kissing the top of her head. "I love you, Y/N."

"I love you too, Luke."

Hand in hand, they skated slowly around the rink, savoring the last moments of their perfect day. Under the twinkling lights and the watchful eyes of the Hughes family, they knew that no matter where life took them, they would always have each other and the love that grew stronger with every passing day.

[sincerelymarner]

i love u hockey nepotism <3

i just think hockey connections are neat and the hughes have a lot. so here's a noncomphrehensive review of their connections (as it relates to their teams) through their dad jim. and this also kinda doubles as a background about him.

so jim hughes grew up on long island and has many ties to the area, hence the “comin home” comment from luke during jack’s draft and jack’s walk up song being “i’m coming home”. 

currently jim is a director of player development at CAA hockey (2016-) and previously was the director of player development for the leafs (2009-15). he also has 20 years of coaching experience which has brought him to new jersey, orlando, boston, new hampshire, and toronto. but before all this, he played hockey at providence college (1985-89) which is where he overlapped with tom fitzgerald, current president of hockey operations and gm of the devils, for two years. if you were ever curious why jim and ellen were seated next to the gm of jack and luke’s team at brady tkachuk’s wedding, now you know.

jim hughes 1985

in fact, jim was a huge factor in why fitzgerald attended providence as jim hosted him for his recruiting trip. during jim’s time at providence, he was represented by ray shero who was the gm for the devils from 2015-20.

devils GM ray shero meeting with the hughes family at the 2019 nhl draft

while jim was an assistant coach with the orlando sun bears (1999-2001), he became acquainted with head coach peter horachek who was a scout for the devils in 2019 and is currently an assistant coach for them.

jim hughes (left) is in this photo, idk if peter horachek is but this from when the solar bears won the turner cup and that's how the photo of jack in a cup came about

after orlando jim had been named as an assistant coach for the bruins (2001-03) and that’s where he met, then head coach, robbie ftorek, who became a close family friend. following his tenure with boston he went to new hampshire where he was assistant coach for the manchester monarchs (2003-05) under previous canucks’ head coach bruce boudreau. when jim became head coach (2005-06), his assistant coach was derek clancy who is currently an assistant gm for the leafs and previously was one for the canucks.

pretend that derek clancy is here with him (well he is, just off screen)

then settled in toronto as an assistant coach for the marlies, then as director of player development for the leafs. here jim and the boys got to know leafs legend willy nylander.

not at all connected to the boys’ teams i just wanted to include this photo, sue me

again, this is a noncomprehensive review and there is probably so much i missed, but i wanted to put this together for reference.

↳ info taken mostly from this the athletic article and this sportsnet article + some supplementary sources such as elite prospects

[antiporn-activist]

We knew this was coming, and it's here...

Teen Girls Confront an Epidemic of Deepfake Nudes in Schools

Using artificial intelligence, middle and high school students have fabricated explicit images of female classmates and shared the doctored pictures.

April 8, 2024

After boys at Francesca Mani’s high school fabricated and shared explicit images of girls last year, she and her mother, Dorota, began urging schools and legislators to enact tough safeguards.Shuran Huang

After boys at Francesca Mani’s high school fabricated and shared explicit images of girls last year, she and her mother, Dorota, began urging schools and legislators to enact tough safeguards.Shuran Huang

Westfield Public Schools held a regular board meeting in late March at the local high school, a red brick complex in Westfield, N.J., with a scoreboard outside proudly welcoming visitors to the “Home of the Blue Devils” sports teams.

But it was not business as usual for Dorota Mani.

In October, some 10th-grade girls at Westfield High School — including Ms. Mani’s 14-year-old daughter, Francesca — alerted administrators that boys in their class had used artificial intelligence software to fabricate sexually explicit images of them and were circulating the faked pictures. Five months later, the Manis and other families say, the district has done little to publicly address the doctored images or update school policies to hinder exploitative A.I. use.

“It seems as though the Westfield High School administration and the district are engaging in a master class of making this incident vanish into thin air,” Ms. Mani, the founder of a local preschool, admonished board members during the meeting.

In a statement, the school district said it had opened an “immediate investigation” upon learning about the incident, had immediately notified and consulted with the police, and had provided group counseling to the sophomore class.

Tenth-grade girls at Westfield High School in New Jersey learned last fall that male classmates had fabricated sexually explicit images of them and shared them.Peter K. Afriyie/Associated Press

“All school districts are grappling with the challenges and impact of artificial intelligence and other technology available to students at any time and anywhere,” Raymond González, the superintendent of Westfield Public Schools, said in the statement.

Blindsided last year by the sudden popularity of A.I.-powered chatbots like ChatGPT, schools across the United States scurried to contain the text-generating bots in an effort to forestall student cheating. Now a more alarming A.I. image-generating phenomenon is shaking schools.

Boys in several states have used widely available “nudification” apps to pervert real, identifiable photos of their clothed female classmates, shown attending events like school proms, into graphic, convincing-looking images of the girls with exposed A.I.-generated breasts and genitalia. In some cases, boys shared the faked images in the school lunchroom, on the school bus or through group chats on platforms like Snapchat and Instagram, according to school and police reports.

Such digitally altered images — known as “deepfakes” or “deepnudes” — can have devastating consequences. Child sexual exploitation experts say the use of nonconsensual, A.I.-generated images to harass, humiliate and bully young women can harm their mental health, reputations and physical safety as well as pose risks to their college and career prospects. Last month, the Federal Bureau of Investigation warned that it is illegal to distribute computer-generated child sexual abuse material, including realistic-looking A.I.-generated images of identifiable minors engaging in sexually explicit conduct.

Yet the student use of exploitative A.I. apps in schools is so new that some districts seem less prepared to address it than others. That can make safeguards precarious for students.

“This phenomenon has come on very suddenly and may be catching a lot of school districts unprepared and unsure what to do,” said Riana Pfefferkorn, a research scholar at the Stanford Internet Observatory, who writes about legal issues related to computer-generated child sexual abuse imagery.

At Issaquah High School near Seattle last fall, a police detective investigating complaints from parents about explicit A.I.-generated images of their 14- and 15-year-old daughters asked an assistant principal why the school had not reported the incident to the police, according to a report from the Issaquah Police Department. The school official then asked “what was she supposed to report,” the police document said, prompting the detective to inform her that schools are required by law to report sexual abuse, including possible child sexual abuse material. The school subsequently reported the incident to Child Protective Services, the police report said. (The New York Times obtained the police report through a public-records request.)

In a statement, the Issaquah School District said it had talked with students, families and the police as part of its investigation into the deepfakes. The district also “shared our empathy,” the statement said, and provided support to students who were affected.

The statement added that the district had reported the “fake, artificial-intelligence-generated images to Child Protective Services out of an abundance of caution,” noting that “per our legal team, we are not required to report fake images to the police.”

At Beverly Vista Middle School in Beverly Hills, Calif., administrators contacted the police in February after learning that five boys had created and shared A.I.-generated explicit images of female classmates. Two weeks later, the school board approved the expulsion of five students, according to district documents. (The district said California’s education code prohibited it from confirming whether the expelled students were the students who had manufactured the images.)

Michael Bregy, superintendent of the Beverly Hills Unified School District, said he and other school leaders wanted to set a national precedent that schools must not permit pupils to create and circulate sexually explicit images of their peers.

“That’s extreme bullying when it comes to schools,” Dr. Bregy said, noting that the explicit images were “disturbing and violative” to girls and their families. “It’s something we will absolutely not tolerate here.”

Schools in the small, affluent communities of Beverly Hills and Westfield were among the first to publicly acknowledge deepfake incidents. The details of the cases — described in district communications with parents, school board meetings, legislative hearings and court filings — illustrate the variability of school responses.

The Westfield incident began last summer when a male high school student asked to friend a 15-year-old female classmate on Instagram who had a private account, according to a lawsuit against the boy and his parents brought by the young woman and her family. (The Manis said they are not involved with the lawsuit.)

After she accepted the request, the male student copied photos of her and several other female schoolmates from their social media accounts, court documents say. Then he used an A.I. app to fabricate sexually explicit, “fully identifiable” images of the girls and shared them with schoolmates via a Snapchat group, court documents say.

Westfield High began to investigate in late October. While administrators quietly took some boys aside to question them, Francesca Mani said, they called her and other 10th-grade girls who had been subjected to the deepfakes to the school office by announcing their names over the school intercom.

That week, Mary Asfendis, the principal of Westfield High, sent an email to parents alerting them to “a situation that resulted in widespread misinformation.” The email went on to describe the deepfakes as a “very serious incident.” It also said that, despite student concern about possible image-sharing, the school believed that “any created images have been deleted and are not being circulated.”

Dorota Mani said Westfield administrators had told her that the district suspended the male student accused of fabricating the images for one or two days.

Soon after, she and her daughter began publicly speaking out about the incident, urging school districts, state lawmakers and Congress to enact laws and policies specifically prohibiting explicit deepfakes.

“We have to start updating our school policy,” Francesca Mani, now 15, said in a recent interview. “Because if the school had A.I. policies, then students like me would have been protected.”

Parents including Dorota Mani also lodged harassment complaints with Westfield High last fall over the explicit images. During the March meeting, however, Ms. Mani told school board members that the high school had yet to provide parents with an official report on the incident.

Westfield Public Schools said it could not comment on any disciplinary actions for reasons of student confidentiality. In a statement, Dr. González, the superintendent, said the district was strengthening its efforts “by educating our students and establishing clear guidelines to ensure that these new technologies are used responsibly.”

Beverly Hills schools have taken a stauncher public stance.

When administrators learned in February that eighth-grade boys at Beverly Vista Middle School had created explicit images of 12- and 13-year-old female classmates, they quickly sent a message — subject line: “Appalling Misuse of Artificial Intelligence” — to all district parents, staff, and middle and high school students. The message urged community members to share information with the school to help ensure that students’ “disturbing and inappropriate” use of A.I. “stops immediately.”

It also warned that the district was prepared to institute severe punishment. “Any student found to be creating, disseminating, or in possession of AI-generated images of this nature will face disciplinary actions,” including a recommendation for expulsion, the message said.

Dr. Bregy, the superintendent, said schools and lawmakers needed to act quickly because the abuse of A.I. was making students feel unsafe in schools.

“You hear a lot about physical safety in schools,” he said. “But what you’re not hearing about is this invasion of students’ personal, emotional safety.”

Natasha Singer writes about technology, business and society. She is currently reporting on the far-reaching ways that tech companies and their tools are reshaping public schools, higher education and job opportunities. More about Natasha Singer

A version of this article appears in print on April 11, 2024, Section B, Page 1 of the New York edition with the headline: Fake A.I. Nudes Create Crisis in Schools. Order Reprints | Today’s Paper | Subscribe

[martiny0rk]

MY NHL MASTERLIST

Anahiem Ducks

Lukas Dostal

Mason Mctavish

Trevor Zegras

Arizona Coyotes

**Maveric lamoureux

Boston Bruins

Jeremy Swayman

Buffalo Sabres

Joel hofer

Chicago Blackhawks

**Connor bedard

**Frank Nazar

Columbus Blue Jackets

**Adam Fantilli

Cole Sillinger

Montreal Canadiens

Cole Caufield

Kirby Dach

**Juraj Slafkovsky

New Jersey Devils

Nico Hischier

**Alex Holtz

Jack Hughes

**Luke Hughes

John Marino

Dawson Mercer

New York Rangers

Matt Rempe

Philadelphia Flyers

Jamie Drysdale

Cam York

Toronto Maple Leafs

**Fraser Minten

Matthew Knies

Joseph Woll

San Jose Sharks

William eklund

Vancouver Canucks

Quinn Hughes

UMICH

Luca Fantilli

Ethan Edwards

Mark estapa

**Rutger McGroarty

**Nick Moldenhauer

BC/U

**Macklin Celebrini

**Cutter Gauthier

**Gabe Perreault

**Will smith

**Ryan Leonard

* means they are a prospect for that team or not playing there yet

**under the age of 21. Even though I’m underage myself I will not be writing anything smut related about anyone under 21.

 martiny0rk — all rights reserved. please do not modify, translate, or plagiarise my content.

[hugheses]

Canucks: How assistant coach Yogi Svejkovsky and Quinn Hughes became family friends

Jun 07, 2024 - Steve Ewen

Quinn Hughes knew about Yogi Svejkovsky long before they started working together with the Vancouver Canucks.

The Canucks promoted Svejkovsky, 47, to assistant coach on Wednesday. He had been a skills coach for the previous three seasons. His increased duties are expected to include helping run the power play, a unit led by point man Hughes, 24, the Canucks’ team captain and No. 1 defenceman.

Svejkovsky’s son Lukas, 22, is a Pittsburgh Penguins’ forward prospect. When Lukas was 12, Svejkovsky set it up so that he could go and stay with Hughes and his family in Toronto for a weeklong spring hockey tournament.

Svejkovsky had been Lukas’ only coach to that point and he thought a new experience might aid in his development. A mutual friend provided the initial connection with Jim Hughes, the dad of Quinn and the current New Jersey Devils’ duo of Jack and Luke Hughes.

The families stayed in touch after that, and Svejkovsky says he’s routinely bounced ideas about raising young players off of Jim. Jack, who’s the same age as Lukas, came and stayed with the Svejkovsky family for a tournament in the Lower Mainland a couple of years later, too. Lukas is a former standout with the Delta Hockey Academy.

Svejkovsky and Quinn Hughes didn’t have any major communication back then, Yogi admits. When he was hired by the Canucks, though, and then coach Travis Green went to tell Hughes about a new skills coach, it was Hughes who gave Green an “Oh, yeah … I know Yogi.”

“It’s a small world. It’s how it works,” Svejkovsky laughed Thursday afternoon.

[...]

[fiapartridge]

catching fire au | jack hughes ⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚

-> AU TIMELINE !

the first part of the au takes place during the 2021 draft. she's living in vancouver, ca. she's 18 years old.

after getting drafted to the devils (round 1, pick 32), she goes to play hockey for umich -- she meets luke there!!

riley and luke become best friends, bond over being devils, and they end up signing their elcs together in 2023

the second part of the au takes place in 2023 -- riley's rookie season (she's 20 years old)

-> IMPORTANT INFO !

jack hates her immediately. tbh, he hated her when he first heard her name get called during the draft. he thought it was absurd that the devils drafted a girl.

lindy places them on the same line.

+ once she joins the team, everything is off. jack is particularly mean to her: never passing her the puck, smashing her into the boards, stealing the puck from her, never inviting her to team meetups, and always talking bad about her.

but riley hates jack just as much as he hates her -- maybe even more

nico treats riley like a little sister, always trying to protect her, always getting on jack for being mean to her, and always fighting anyone that lays a hand on her during games

she's best friends with all of the wags; they're her best friends (other than luke) when she's there

jack was the star player before riley joined, but once she's on the team, all eyes are on her. sponsorships are begging to take her, the media loves her, the crowds are filled with jerseys of the devils' golden girl. jack was old news.

-> RILEY DELL !

red wavy hair, freckles, tall

top prospect

18 years old when drafted

her birthday is july 24, 2003

born in vancouver, canada

gets drafted to the devils

round 1, pick 32

right wing for the new jersey devils

her number: 5

joins 2 years after getting drafted (played at umich for two years w/ luke + they signed their elcs together)

besties w/ luke

20 years old during her rookie season

lives in the same apartment complex as the hughes brothers (literally like down the hall)

-> JACK HUGHES !

the devils' star player. round 1, pick 1 of the 2019 draft

he's 22 during riley's rookie season

his birthday is may 14, 2001

center for the new jersey devils

riley dell's #1 hater !!

-> IMAGINES !

the draft

the underdog

devils' golden girl

author's note: send in ideas for the au if u have any!! kay love u ! cant wait to write more! &lt;3333

[stereax]

is there a reason why Carolina is losing all their affiliates???

Other than being assholes to Erik Haula?

Okay, but in all seriousness, there's a short answer and a long one.

The short answer is two words long: Pyotr Kochetkov.

The long answer? Meet me under the cut.

Alright, hi there. So to answer this question fully, we need to talk about the AHL in depth. The AHL, or American Hockey League, is the second-highest league of North American pro hockey, under the NHL. Most people tend to believe it's just "where prospects play before they hit the NHL". This is... only a part of the story.

There are 32 teams in the AHL to match 32 NHL teams. The idea there is that every NHL team would have an AHL affiliate - the most recent expansion, for example, the Coachella Valley Firebirds, is the AHL affiliate for the newest NHL team, the Seattle Kraken. Many of these teams are owned by the same group as owns the NHL team - Harris Blitzer, for example, owns both the New Jersey Devils and the Utica Comets. Others don't - the AHL's Charlotte Checkers, for instance, are owned by Michael Kahn, whereas their NHL affiliate, the Florida Panthers, is owned by Sunrise Sports (aka Vincent Viola).

Why is this important? Well, if you're an NHL team that owns your AHL team, you can let that AHL team leak money. You're turning a good profit on the NHL team, so you don't have to make your AHL team economically viable on its own - you just put it in as a massive tax write-off and go on with your day. Thus, you can put all of your AHL team's resources into developing your AHL players to get ready to play at the NHL level. Of course you sign some vets and such of your own, maybe get a few undrafted guys for the AHL team too, but generally, an NHL-owned AHL team's sole purpose is to develop NHL players. Winning the Calder Cup (the AHL equivalent to the Stanley Cup, not to be confused with the Calder Memorial Trophy given to the best NHL rookie) is just gravy on top.

Contrast this to independently-owned AHL teams, where this is not the case. For these teams, making money is paramount. How do you make money? When you win. Fun fact - the Chicago Wolves, incidentally, used to be televised on main channels partially as a fuck you to Bill Wirtz, who didn't let the Chicago Blackhawks' home games be televised, presumably to drive ticket sales. The Wolves saw that and pounced on the opportunity to make some cash. So if nothing else, love them for sticking it to the Hawks. You can still watch Wolves games on My50, it seems, if you've got that channel, as well as AHL streaming options.

But back to independently-owned AHL teams before I go on my daily anti-Hawks crusade. You want to make money. You do that when you win. When you make the postseason. When you win in the postseason. Independently-owned AHL teams want to win, not necessarily develop for the NHL. So when your NHL team keeps taking your best player away for weeks and then giving him back... you get annoyed.

Let's now talk about the ECHL and the Norfolk Admirals. Thankfully, this is going to be a lot simpler. The ECHL, unlike the AHL, has only 28 teams. This means 4 NHL teams don't have an ECHL team. In addition, very few, if any, ECHL teams are owned by their NHL affiliates. This further incentivizes them to play for profit (winning the Kelly Cup, the ECHL version of the Stanley Cup) instead of development. On top of this, relatively few ECHL players actually make it to the NHL. ECHL affiliates change fairly frequently, especially due to many of the teams folding because of financial issues (most recently the Brampton Beast, Manchester Monarchs, and Quad City Mallards). So if an ECHL team decides to drop its NHL affiliate, or vice versa, there are four other suitors, all of whom would probably want to pay the ECHL team decent money to be their associate. For the Admirals, it's easy - they see the Canes lose their AHL affiliate and decide they'd rather take the Jets' offer instead, whether it be for the money (Carolina's supposedly notoriously stingy) or for the security. It's just really fucking funny that it happens at the same time Carolina loses their AHL team. Get fucked lol.

Now let's play Chicago Wolves Simulator. You are Don Levin and Buddy Meyers, the Wolves' owners. Your goal is to win the Calder Cup or at least come pretty damn close so you can pay the bills. You have a good team - hell, you won the Calder last year! - but your best asset is this star goaltender named Pyotr Kochetkov. When Koochie's in net, you usually win because he bails out your team. When he isn't there to help you win, you kind of don't. Now, Carolina's going through its own issues in net, so they keep calling Koochie up and down. And, as previously mentioned, you kind of suck without Koochie. To be fair, you're not all that great with him, but you suck without him. And you have no control over when he goes up to Carolina, even just to sit on the bench.

You miss the playoffs by one point. One. And your three-year contract with the Canes is up. What do you do?

Waddell Young, GM of the Wolves, says their philosophy and the Canes' fundamentally differed. The Wolves develop and win. Winning develops, to them. The Canes wanted the Wolves to focus solely on development. Not winning. So, when their deal with the Canes was up, the Wolves said "no thanks, we're not going to continue this, we're going independent". This decision makes them the first non-NHL affiliated team in almost 30 years. Now, this isn't to say all independently-owned AHL teams are doomed to fail in partnerships because of divergent philosophies. Look at the Hershey Bears and the Washington Capitals for a prime example of that - the Bears are one of the best teams in the AHL and have won four Calder Cups with the Caps as their affiliates since their affiliation began in 2005. But the Wolves were quite unhappy with the Canes, and so the two split. Also notable is that the Canes have also poisoned the waters with who should be their local AHL affiliate, the Charlotte Checkers, to the point where the Checkers affiliated with the Panthers instead. So... there's that.

So what can the Canes now do with non-roster players? They can affiliate with another AHL team (co-affiliation); one instance of this was when the Seattle Kraken affiliated with the Charlotte Checkers in 21-22 because the Coachella Valley Firebirds weren't yet ready. Supposedly the plan is to get an affiliate for 24-25. But what do they do this year? Especially if they can't find an affiliate to share, which seems more and more likely as the summer drags on? Well, you can't sign players to two-way deals with the Wolves anymore, so you can't really keep veterans around in the AHL to call up if needed. So you... sign nine defensemen to NHL contracts and carry them on the roster at all times. Yep. Don Waddell, Canes GM, has basically stated outright that his roster is probably going to have to carry 22 or 23 players at all times to be sure to have replacements in case of injury. And your prospects? They either go to Europe, where they're basically inaccessible for the whole year, or you loan them to other AHL clubs. Waddell has said plans are in place with several teams to send 2 or 3 players each to several different AHL clubs. For your youngest, they go back to major junior in the CHL and related leagues. Same for your veterans - if you want to keep them, you'll have to sign them one-way (I believe) and then loan them down to scattered AHL teams across the league. Prospects who you could have signed to play in the AHL and develop? You're probably going to have to let them go to free agency (see: Kevin Wall, leading player for Penn State and Carolina draft pick, who just inked a deal with the Milwaukee Admirals, AHL affiliate of the Nashville Predators). And then you can send your worse prospects to your ECHL tea- wait. Oops. They just lost that too. Can't do that either. Well, shit.

And remember, one of the Canes' biggest assets is their system of play (with strong defense) that they execute well. The Wolves needed to teach their players the Canes' system and prepare them so the jump from AHL to NHL wouldn't be that tough. The Canes put their coaches on the Wolves for that purpose (the Wolves have since cleaned house and instated their own). Loaning your players to another AHL team? Why would that team be incentivized to teach your player(s) the system? So now even when you're calling up someone to play for the Canes, you have no idea how well they know the system and no idea how well they can play in it.

This now begs the other question - how will the Wolves fill their roster? Well, they've got options. Generally, an AHL team takes the prospects of its NHL affiliate and then fills the rest of the roster with AHL veteran free agents that the AHL team signs to AHL-only deals. But without an NHL team, it's a smidge more complicated, or perhaps easier. Firstly, other NHL teams can loan their prospects to the Wolves instead of their own AHL teams if they consider the Wolves better at developing them, for instance. The Wolves can now also sign whatever free agent players they find roaming around that could be a good fit for their team - undrafted college players, good ECHL players that can't seem to get called up enough, AHL veterans, players on European teams (especially Russians who might want the chance to get the fuck out of Russia) and so on. These free agent players could see the Wolves as a stable AHL team that can pay solid money (the AHL doesn't have a cap) with a strong chance at contending for the Calder as well as a possible stepping stone to an NHL contract. The Wolves also don't have to worry about these free agents taking ice time away from the Canes' prospects, who would need to be prioritized under an affiliation, which would also be a strong incentive for AHL free agent veterans to sign with them - they'd be able to get a truly fair chance, unlike under an affiliate system where prospects are the priority and free agents are generally playing fewer (and worse) minutes.

And remember - Chicago just drafted Bedard. The city's getting back into hockey and Hawks tickets are expensive. Want to watch some quality hockey on the cheap? Why not come to Wolves games! They're only 18 miles away from the Hawks, too!

TL;DR stan the Wolves for rejecting the system. Canes Suck.

[extraliga-related]

SVK 2 - 0 LAT -> Šimon Nemec

[toffoliravioli]

the headache I have with some of y’all I-

I cannot wait for this whole thing to be over with bcuz some people make me want to light a house on fire

I promise you I do not want timo THAT badly, I’m aight thanks

[asunsetgrace16]

⌜ ｍａｓｔｅｒｌｉｓｔ ⌝

Note: This is not an exhaustive list of the players I will write for. This is just a list of who I currently have added to the list and is subject to change. Please don't be afraid to request other players, more than likely I will be willing to write for them.

⌜ ｗｏｒｋｓ ｉｎ ｐｒｏｇｒｅｓｓ ⌝

Lakehouse - Crystal Skies AU Love Language - Adam Fantilli - Posted June 16 Holding Her - Adam Fantilli - Posted June 16 Beautiful Crazy - Cale Makar 18 - Matthew Tkachuk Died of a Broken Heart - Nathan MacKinnon - Posted June 17

Guide:

🌼 they are a current prospect

🌿 they are under 20

🌺 fluff

🌙 angst/sad

Started: March 31, 2024

Last Updated: June 17, 2024

Total Works: 21

⌜ ａｕ＇ｓ ⌝

⌜ ｎｈｌ ⌝

Anaheim Ducks

＃５１ － ｏｌｅｎ ｚｅｌｌｗｅｇｅｒ 🌿

Buffalo Sabres

＃２４ － ｄｙｌａｎ ｃｏｚｅｎｓ ＃２５ － ｏｗｅｎ ｐｏｗｅｒ - 1 work

Boston Bruins

Calgary Flames

Carolina Hurricanes

＃７６ － ｂｒａｄｙ ｓｋｊｅｉ ＃３７ － ａｎｄｒｅｉ ｓｖｅｃｈｎｉｋｏｖ

Chicago Blackhawks

Karaoke

＃９８ － ｃｏｎｎｏｒ ｂｅｄａｒｄ - 5 works ＃５５ － ｋｅｖｉｎ ｋｏｒｃｈｉｎｓｋｉ - 2 works ＃２７ － ｌｕｋａｓ ｒｅｉｃｈｅｌ

Colorado Avalanche

＃２９ － ｎａｔｈａｎ ｍａｃｋｉｎｎｏｎ - 2 works ＃８ － ｃａｌｅ ｍａｋａｒ

Columbus Blue Jackets

＃１９ － ａｄａｍ ｆａｎｔｉｌｌｉ - 2 works ＃９１ － ｋｅｎｔ ｊｏｈｎｓｏｎ - 1 work

Dallas Stars

＃５３ － ｗｙａｔｔ ｊｏｈｎｓｔｏｎ

Detroit Red Wings

Edmonton Oilers

Florida Panthers

＃１９ － ｍａｔｔｈｅｗ ｔｋａｃｈｕｋ

Los Angeles Kings

＃９２ － ｂｒａｎｄｔ ｃｌａｒｋｅ - 2 works

Minnesota Wild

＃１２ － ｍａｔｔ ｂｏｌｄｙ - 2 works

Montreal Canadiens

＃６２ － ｏｗｅｎ ｂｅｃｋ ＃２２ － ｃｏｌｅ ｃａｕｆｉｅｌｄ ＃２０ － ｊｕｒａｊ ｓｌａｆｋｏｖｓｋｙ - 1 work

Nashville Predators

New Jersey Devils

New York Islanders

＃１３ － ｍａｔｈｅｗ ｂａｒｚａｌ

New York Rangers

Ottawa Senators

＃１８ － ｔｉｍ ｓｔｕｔｚｌｅ

Philadelphia Flyers

Pittsburg Penguins

San Jose Sharks

＃６ － ｗｉｌｌ ｓｍｉｔｈ

Seattle Kraken

St. Louis Blues

＃６３ － ｊａｋｅ ｎｅｉｇｈｂｏｕｒｓ

Tampa Bay Lightning

Toronto Maple Leafs

Karaoke

＃２３ － ｍａｔｔｈｅｗ ｋｎｉｅｓ ＃３９ － ｆｒａｓｅｒ ｍｉｎｔｅｎ - 1 work + AU ＃６０ － ｊｏｓｅｐｈ ｗｏｌｌ

Utah HC

＃９ － ｃｌａｙｔｏｎ ｋｅｌｌｅｒ ＃１３ － ｍａｖｅｒｉｃ ｌａｍｏｕｒｅｕｘ

Vancouver Canucks

＃６ － ｂｒｏｃｋ ｂｏｅｓｅｒ ＃４３ － ｑｕｉｎｎ ｈｕｇｈｅｓ

Vegas Golden Knights

Washington Capitals

Winnipeg Jets

⌜ ｃｏｌｌｅｇｅ ⌝

Boston University

＃７１ － ｍａｃｋｌｉｎ ｃｅｌｅｂｒｉｎｉ - 2 works

Boston College

＃９ － ｒｙａｎ ｌｅｏｎａｒｄ

UMich

＃２ － ｒｕｔｇｅｒ ｍｃｇｒｏａｒｔｙ ＃９４ － ｍａｒｋ ｅｓｔａｐａ ＃６３ － ｌｕｃａ ｆａｎｔｉｌｌｉ - AU

[drysdaleknieslee]

Players I Write For (send in any requests)

New Jersey Devils:

Luke Hughes

Jack Hughes

Nico Hischier

Jesper Bratt

Vancouver Canucks

Quinn Hughes

Brock Boeser

Elias Peterson

Niels Hoglander

Montreal Canadiens

Cole Caufield

Nick Suzuki

Juraj Slafkovsky

Arber Xhekaj

Kirby Dach

Toronto Maple Leafs

Auston Matthews

Mitch Marner

Matthew Knies

William Nylander

Simon Benoit

Joseph Woll

Ottawa Senators:

Tim Stuzle

Brady Tkachuk

Anaheim Ducks: Trevor Zegras

Mason McTavish

Leo Carlsson

Tristan Luneau

Pavel Mintyukov

Olen Zellweger

Lukas Dostal

Philadelphia Flyers: Jamie Drysdale

Tyson Foerster

Cam York

Boston Bruins: Jeremy Swayman

Hampus Lindholm

Columbus Blue Jackets: Adam Fantilli

Cole Sillinger

Florida Panthers:

Matthew Tkachuk

College Hockey/ Alternate Teams:

UMICH:

Rutger McGroarty

Ethan Edwards

Luca Fantilli

Mark Estapa

Frank Lazar

Gavin Brindley

Tyler Duke

Dylan Duke

BC (Boston College): Will Smith (San Jose Sharks Prospect)

Gabe Perreault

BU (Boston University): Macklin Celebrini

QMJHL Drummondville Voltiguers:

Maveric Lamoureux (Arizona Coyotes Prospect)

Saskatoon Blades:

Fraser Minten (Toronto Maple Leafs)

London Knights: Easton Cowan (Toronto Maple Leafs)

Also including:

Alex Turcotte

[devilsupdates]

The New Jersey Devils may have added Jake Allen ahead of this season's trade deadline but don't think for a second they are finished on their pursuit to find goaltending help. Speculation surrounds GM Tom Fitzgerald and there's growing noise regarding the team's intentions of making a run at either Jacob Markstrom or Juuse Saros this summer.

Fitzgerald had a deal in place this season for Markstrom, however it fell through after the two sides couldn't reach a consensus on the salary retention involved. The Devils also made a huge offer for Saros this season, however Nashville changed their tone once they went on a massive heater and now are headed for the postseason, led by Saros in their crease.

The Devils are in a great spot to make a splash this summer as Fitzgerald has $21.3 million in cap space and they also have their first round pick the next three drafts to dangle and two second-rounders in 2025. The team is also loaded with young talent and NHL ready prospects, so there's certainly no shortage of trade assets who could be in play.

Fitzgerald had a deal in place this season for Markstrom, however it fell through after the two sides couldn't reach a consensus on the salary retention involved. The Devils also made a huge offer for Saros this season, however Nashville changed their tone once they went on a massive heater and now are headed for the postseason, led by Saros in their crease.

What are your thoughts

[valadren]

I didn’t really make friends growing up.

Ever since I can remember early on I was seen as the weird kid, the outcast, but, critically, my teachers really liked me. It was pretty easy in my head to do that, classrooms usually had basic rules told to us as kids, and they were things like raise your hand to speak, sit properly, share, stuff like that. I learned pretty quickly that most teachers like you if you talk to them about the things you were learning in class. I always imagine myself wearing that cloak from Zatch Bell when I think about my grade school me, which is funny because the only other memory I have about clothes from my childhood was how horrible most of them felt on my body.

I don’t think my parents really noticed how lonely I felt at school, how much I dreaded going because my teachers all pretty much only had nice things to say until the homework burden got higher, later into grade school and into middle school. See, I was a precocious reader, and I picked up basic mathematics really easily, so part of my early school years was going to gifted programs. I remember having a really stern math teacher who was also extremely funny and cool one-on-one, my favorite kind of teacher tbh. But once my school work got more complicated, I found myself struggling to pay attention, I had focus issues, if you can imagine, and this was during the time that video games became sort of the de facto hobby in me and my older sibling’s life. We used to play with our myriad action figures as kids, my sibling grew out of them, the only way I could hang out with them was by playing video games, but I never dropped the action figure habit to this day. Almost every game I play I have action figure representatives for my party members, weapons built out of knex, so I could reimagine, or redirect the scenes, I like feeling the action in my hands, moving each limb meticulously to approximate these things. If I knew how to animate I would probably end up liking it.

Focus issues. My parents were struggling with this, both their children seemed to not have many friends and usually sit inside playing video games. Both of them were slipping in their grades, so our usual punishment when we’d get bad progress reports was to get our games (and my action figures) confiscated. I remember sneaking into their room on one of the days we were home alone (it was a different time back then), sneaking out one male and one female action figure to hide in my desk. I needed to have something to do with my hands that wasn’t breaking pencils or chewing on them, or chewing on my hair when I got to have it long enough. I can still remember the feeling of each of these things like I’ve been doing them all my life.

Another thing that maybe hid my isolation was that as a family we were always moving. I spent my summer and winter breaks living with my grandmother in Illinois, while my mom moved from Missouri to Texas and then from Texas to New Jersey. I didn’t have consistent friends or even a consistent school until we got to Jersey. I was maybe 10 or so. Even then, I had very loose connections with friends. I wanted to have birthday parties but by then I had grown conscious of how much people avoided me, I had people who would call me the devil, who hated me because they hated my older sibling, who generally found me weird and avoided me, so asking people to come to my party, to the place where my parents would be stressing out constantly about how messy my room always is, how disrespectful it would be to have company over, it felt like a losing prospect. I didn’t want to bother people who didn’t want to come to a place that would incidentally house a couple of very stressed out adults.

Somewhere in this time period I was moved into this mid-school program, I want to say by middle school vaguely, but I genuinely can’t remember when this happened. It was a weird program too, it was two teachers, one of whom was the fun one, the other I only vaguely remember having dark hair and glasses and being… nice? I think she was the one who asked me if I wanted to help out here and keep these kids company, but it was asked after I was moved into here anyway. Mostly we would play chess or checkers or YuGiOh or connect four (I’m very good at connect four but that’s mostly because it’s easy). Every kid there was one of the weird ones in school, and I was trying to not be that. I was trying to get in with some cool kids who very explicitly hated having me around. I got to know the kids in this weird program pretty well. One was a chess prodigy, or at least he seemed that way to me. My parents suggested that this could have been another gifted program, or that I was assisting the school with this, but I know what a gifted program looks like, I’d been in them all through grade and middle school and they never had two teachers for one classroom. And being a teacher’s assistant, I looked it up for that school, requires parental signatures to opt me in and neither of my parents recall doing this at all.

But this was what things were like for me back then. I was a teacher’s pet until I couldn’t keep up with the school work, I had maybe one or two friends I was close with, almost none of them are in my life anymore, and most interestingly, I grew to have a lot of weird habits. For the longest time I didn’t have opinions on art, at least not until the person I was talking to expressed theirs, which I would then adopt, to make talking with them easier and more pleasant. I never really told many people about my interests, what music I liked, what games I play, that I was huge into anime like Sailor Moon and Yu Yu Hakusho, I kind of figured that I didn’t have the same taste as everyone else, because if I did I’d have more friends. It didn’t help that my perception of my own taste varied wildly. I believed I had so much better taste in music and film than my peers because my parents wanted me to appreciate good art. The first two albums I ever remember listening to as a kid were the White Album by the Beatles (which as a fun aside I used to listen to one song on it on loop to go to sleep to until my stepdad literally begged me to stop), and the Cabaret OST. I was maybe 6 or 7 or so. I think. I was shown the Matrix when I was really young too, Spirited Away, Moulin Rouge, Lord of the Rings, but everything that I had gotten into because my sibling was, or because I saw it on cable TV at my grandmother’s, or a friend got me into, I never had any confidence that those were good at all. I had two grown up adult people telling me constantly what was good and bad art, and they were usually pretty dismissive of video games in general and most anime, down to my stepdad getting genuinely shocked that we watched something as fucked up as Yu Yu Hakusho, what with all the blood and vagina plants (he watched the Karasu fight with us whoops).

I had these pseudo classes in school too. Things like “how to look like you’re paying attention” or people lecturing on what body language makes you seem rude, and it was constantly pitted against these conflicts with my peers where they found me obnoxious for reasons that were never made clear to me, and the increasing number of times I’d do something in public with my family and have them pull me aside and yell at me for being thoughtless or selfish or rude. I have a cumulative weight of experiences where I have been told that whatever it is that I’ve wanted to do, or things that I’ve said, or done, have been actually pretty mean to people. That I need to be aware of my actions. Actions speak louder than words. If I really wanted to be a good student I would be. If I really wanted to have a tidy room, I’d do it. If I really was passionate about music or writing or acting or directing I would work tirelessly to improve, but I’m always playing video games with my action figures and it’s a shame because I’m very bright, I could be a scholar, I could be a lawyer, I could have been an actor. I’m getting ahead of myself.

I got better at this stuff. A lot better in high school because my theatre program (which was run by my mother it was very weird) helped me develop my performing chops. I got funnier and figured out that being self effacing was effective, it let me off the hook from a lot of social scrutiny, I still do it all the time in public even though I have heard endless discourse about how it’s bad to do this because it only affirms depressive thought patterns or makes you a bad role model or whatever. Looking back on it high school really was the moment that I could see the brain mechanics in play. I had, though I never called them that or considered them that, scripts. I had game plans on how to talk to people I don’t know, that changed if they were people in authority or not (this had a horrible side effect of me being really deferential to the cops that patrolled our school), and more importantly I had been getting better at tailoring myself to friends. I had ways of talking to each individual person, almost subconsciously if not for the fact that I was hyper aware that this made me into a horrible gossip because some of my classmates were gossips. I was a vector for shit talking, and it led to a constant fear of conflict between friends, because I didn’t want to be both party’s confidant.

By undergrad my performative stuff had gotten into full swing. I was a man (at the time) who was sensitive, self degrading, funny, and I wanted to be open about it all. I wanted to be an advocate for sensitive masculinity, I wanted to be up front about my mental health, which had been doing worse and worse with every passing year. I bragged about going to therapy, I was painfully open about everything and it ended up hurting friends I cared about a lot. In retrospect I was a huge dick about it all, and I think that’s the point where I mostly tried to shut the fuck up about most things. I thought I had figured things out but I was still hurting people and I didn’t want to and I lacked the awareness to not do the obviously bad thing. And it didn’t stop there. Post graduation I fell into a group of friends that I got really, really attached to, attached enough that our friendship culminated in a plan to move out of our respective family’s houses and make it on our own. That ended with the friend group excising me like a tumor, and I’m mostly out of contact entirely with almost all of them.

I’m about to finish law school if I can stop writing this and finish my final paper. It took me until near the end of my coursework to realize I put myself through this out of an act of penance for the people I have let down. It felt like the responsible choice to make myself use my talents to make the world a better place, especially if the only cost was my own joy and passion. Things that had, at the time, not amounted to anything but jilted friends, a professor telling me she’d never recommend me as an actor to anyone, a couple of really rough albums that I can’t listen to anymore, and what felt like endless confusion. I could not, and still can’t understand what is so wrong with me, that my interests and wants and needs are always seemingly horrible and selfish and thoughtless while people imposing their needs on me are things that I always have to accommodate. If I were a more arrogant bitch, I’d almost proclaim that I seemingly have the superpower of being the only person on earth who can endlessly forgive people.

I meander a lot when I talk about my brain, about potentially having autism, because I don’t want to be thoughtless about this, and because trying to list out my experiences that led to this feels like it cheapens everything. I have texture issues, I can only sleep under my comforter and no bed sheets, I can’t comfortably wear pants, pajama or otherwise, to bed, there’s a bunch of clothes I have that fit me but have bad texture so I never wear them, but that doesn’t mean anything definitely. None of this does, I am a depressed and anxious person, according to every therapist I’ve ever had, and those things can lead to overthinking, and it could all just be that, it could just be ADHD, it could be that I truly am lazy, and the act of actually self-diagnosing requires a real sense of trust in yourself and that is the one thing that was beaten out of me growing up. How can I trust myself when my actions have been speaking for me against my will all my life? How do I feel like I have real agency in my life when I am playing Russian roulette with every social encounter I have? How do I know if I’m autistic or if I’m just actually a bad person? And this problem can start a wildfire in my head too, like, okay, I know how the script goes here, you’re supposed to say that I’m valid and that my lived experiences should be honored and there’s no shame in figuring things out and self diagnosing but none of that feels real. None of that is what’s said when I’m hurt and the response is that I should be more thoughtful of the other side, or that I should be able to get over this, or that I don’t have to feel guilty about the things I did to people because someone was lying about me during the entire situation. It is one thing to say that my experiences should be valid, but I don’t think I have ever felt comfortable in validity, especially in validity that’s so easily retracted.

Today is apparently autism pride day. I have never been one for genuine celebrations of pride because I don’t feel proud of most things that aren’t some of my video essays. I wanted to share my thoughts on my identifying with autism as something that helps me understand my head a little better, that answers these questions that otherwise would lead to the conclusion that I’m just a bad person in some immutable way. It’s hard to take pride in myself for things that I am, rather than the things that I do, but maybe just trying to get my thoughts on the page can be a start.