#nightpost

[grayson-on-the-chandelier]

POV: Screech when the effects of the sure wears off at some point in time.

Hey???!!!

[filmwave]

blurred lines

[grayson-on-the-chandelier]

Fuck-

Poison. Lovely.

Anon?

Yepppp...

FUCK-

[mononoke-rie11]

Salt & Spice

Salt is not a spice but salt A heart is none of that without the beating  A breath is not one without its warmth and all the oxygen, And breathing is not without breath La sangre no es nada sin carmín  There is no fire without spark There is no spark without the try, or without serendipity, There is no heat without keeping a fire alive,  And there is no hunger without me,  There is no death without life,  There is no living without life, There is no living without the living Is there life among those who live it? There is no drinking without thirst There’s no thirst without desire, There is no desire without restlessness,  without will, without passion,  No existe la pasión sin sangre,  Y la sangre no es nada sin carmin  There’s no river without mountains, without the rolling stones,  and there is no sea without a shore, There is no ship without the open sea, without its port, There is no view without horizons, There is the sea and there is the river …

[williamrayshine-jr]

Woow l, haven't posted here since my phone fucked up, so I'm just catching you guys up on how I'm currently feeling as of late -

Been the same occurring flare ups of emotional stress & on top of that being homeless , broke & without a job doesn't help my emotional dollar coaster. So I've figured to use this site as an outlet as an anchor for my metal state.

Other apps don't do me any justice , so you could kinda say I use this as a sort of journal type deal. So much on my plate along with missing me person ( who really wasn't my person, & now i have to deal with half of a soul , so the other half is legit broken & on top of that my family makes it worse) I've just about had enough & I with someone could just SEE how much of a savior I am..

Like all I wanna do is be loved & I get taken for granted 😓 please god tell me this isn't going to be forever

[filmwave]

In a small town

[toadlett]

next in @mortiscausa 's Road to Camelot challenge is Ruin!

[transdemon]

[canmom]

one of the people i most looked up to when i was first transing has, many years later, pretty hard disidentified with words like 'trans woman', 'transfem' and so on. they still write to an audience of mostly dolls, but they're doing some other gender thing now, and tend not to like being put in the trans woman/transfem box.

chewing on this and other things. fundamentally I don't think gender is real. I have called it an egregore, and that still seems apt. and yet, words like 'trans', 'autistic' and so on are a pretty powerful correlate with the sort of person I tend to vibe with.

transing isn't revealing some inner girl essence. the forces that produce a trans woman when enacted on the eager-to-reshape-itself human brain don't necessarily only produce trannies: it is one of a number of moves available to you.

it is, however, a really big play in the game. given how ludicrously much gender infects every social interaction, going off-script in a big way is going to affect your psychology hugely. doing that activates the feedback loops, the self-exciting instability, a set of rituals let you become something more 'real', or perhaps more precisely, something you have actively defined. the unpredictable outcome of that process is both the entire point and not the point at all.

rachel pollack spoke of transing in terms of religious ecstasy. "I would argue that transsexuality arises from a passion so powerful that it transcends issues of happiness. The word passion originally meant suffering, not pleasure."

so having made a declaration like, i am this sort of creature, you break everything down and start to rebuild. you go on to take actions to affirm it, or even simply build an inner, secret core, and doing this - physically, socially - transforms the resonances of your thinking.

we have constructed many rituals to make the declaration of transness more definite. a lot of them will affect your sensory experience: the immediate effect of hrt on how your skin responds to touch is surely one of the great virtues. take surgery, for example - do you need to get your penis turned inside out? well: the drama of making a drastic alteration to your body, and the sheer difficulty of getting it, makes it an especially powerful ritual. but it's not the only way to go. indeed, most girls I know haven't done it (whether or not they want to), and instead, the symbol of woman-with-penis has become one of our core subculture-images. in the last few years, the word faggot has come back in a big way, with a real gendered connotation now, sorta like what the girls on here were trying to get at with baeddel before all the shit happened. that's also a move.

so this phenomenon, this new game we're building together, includes surgeries as a move. but it also includes a lot of the subculture-building classics: weird fashions, radical politics, drugs, kinky sex, making noises on the computer, and so on.

and since the whole point of this thing is a process of defining yourself into existence, as soon as something starts to become a cliché, an orthodoxy, a mandated practice, it starts to break down. everything is stupid fucking contextual. if everyone around you is desperately pursuing genital surgery, saying 'I like my dick and want to keep it' becomes a potent move. but if the pendulum swings the other way, once everyone is saying 'do you really need surgery, you know you don't need it to Be Trans, please stay as you are since it's easier for us that way', maybe that ritual regains some of its power. it's perverse. perversity is kind of necessary to it.

so the meta evolves.

i am speaking about transness here, but i think similar forces are at work with other self-id games, autism and so on. there is like, actual biological variation, but far more important is the ideas we're playing with on top of that. what concepts are activated when I think 'autism', now largely positive associations: sensory this, obsession that; not the same as twenty years ago. thankfully my fellow autists made an interesting game to make of it: a space to express something.

[fyeahimagination]

Look at the screenshot time. Glad to see nightblogggers are still alive and kickin

Whenever I see anything like this my first thought is that @thebibliosphere will know what these words mean.

[grayson-on-the-chandelier]

He's shutting me out.... Papa is shutting me out.

[t00thpasteface]

"that, doc, is how babies are made."

[bunnixtoy]

Ughh I need someone's hand around my neck while stuffing me full of they're dick 😔🙏

[lunasaysthings]

my friend is not even real I swear to god

[transdemon]

need to squeeze him

[canmom]

i don't think i'm plural in the sense of 'multiple persistent/recurring states with distinct self-identities [names etc.] that have their own sets of associated memories' as in like 'canonical' DID.

but I do often think internally, in the verbal-stream of consciousness (more on that later), by framing a dialogue between different temporary sides, or imagine different desires and impulses as if they are characters. these facets are spun up as needed and dissipate just as quickly. sometimes I find myself using the pronoun 'we' in this internal stream of consciousness, like 'we should probably eat something'.

but it doesn't feel like talking to 'another mind' in here, i.e. one that is inaccessible-except-through-language in the way other humans' minds are, it feels like alternately roleplaying multiple characters. in other words, all these 'voices' still feel like they 'are me'.

i feel like i currently suspect most people have some amount of 'low-degree' plurality (e.g. when people have a 'worksona' and 'familysona' and so on), and the difference between 'singleton' and 'plural' is a matter of degree/self-awareness rather than kind. not quite sure how to resolve any of that into a clear model though. the game continues