#no betas we die like alfira

[katreneebug]

I'm Okay (Trust Me) (Part 1/3)

Summary: Defeating Rapheal, and subsequently obtaining the Orphic Hammer, had gone exceptionally well. At least in comparison to how things usually go. However, as the companions move forward with their plans of parasitic liberation, Astarion can’t help but notice that their leader, and his lover, isn’t quite herself. Despite Tav’s assurances, the vampire spawn can tell that the events befalling The House of Hope still haunt her in more ways than one.

Parings: Tav x Astarion, Minor Shadowheart x Lae'zel

Warnings: Explicit content, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Dubious Consent, Sexual Coercion, Slight Victim Balming, Sexual Trauma, Eventual Smut

A/N: I decided to write this after I got through the House of Hope on my first playthrough. At first I was really excited at the prospect of getting to bed an incubus in the game but after everything was done I kind of felt off about the whole thing. Especially given that the player, after deciding not to fight, is given the choice to either let Haarlep use their image to have sex with a bunch of strangers or straight up die. It hit a little too close to home in regard to my own sexual trauma and how that has affected my self-esteem, relationships, and mental health.

I want to stress that there are some aspects of the story that don't match with the gameplay. An example of this would be going beyond the party size. You can pretend that this story is based on that no-limit companion mod lol.

Link to AO3: Here

            No last-minute begging had left Rapheal’s lips when Karlach raised her axe above him. The fact that it had been the final stroke came as a surprise to Astarion and, based upon the silence that drenched the room, the others. Not too far behind her could hear Tav panting, her magic practically drained to its limits. In the peripheral of his eyes, he could see Shadowheart’s armor move up and down as she too sought to catch her breath.

            Hope, who appeared the most worn out of the bunch, stood frozen to her spot by the door. Karlach noticed her immediately and moved to check on her, weapon still sunk deep within Rapheal’s chest. Astarion took the opportunity to walk over to him, caution obvious in the way he gripped his dagger.  

            There was no final spook to be had, though. Rapheal was dead, eyes wide and mouth slightly a gape with no more theatrics left on his tongue.  Good Riddance, he thought. A smirk danced onto his lips as he decided it was okay to turn back towards his companions. Hope was no longer a statue, the erratic motions from before returned vigorously as she took in their victory.

            The memory of Cazador lying vanquished on the ground materialized in his mind. He brushed it away quickly as Tav’s eyes landed on himself. A half-smile was the most she could muster before Lae’zel garnered her attention, talks of the next step towards freeing Orpheus’ flew from the githyanki’s mouth in rapid, yet precise, order. The lines in Tav’s forehead creased as she let her friend speak. Deciding to take pity on his lover, Astarion moved to stand beside her.

            “—The Emperor will know of what we have done, we must act fast upon our return.”

            “I—”

            “Surely you can’t expect us to go straight into the undercity of Baldur’s Gate after quite literally killing a devil.” Lae’zel sharp glare snapped up to meet his eyes. “I for one am not doing anything till I’ve had time to clean up, all of this.” His hand, the one not resting centimeters away Tav’s lower back, motioned to the state of his armor. Rapheal and his friends had left the floors of the foyer dripping in all sorts of blood and guts and, while Astarion’s body was happily intact, his outfit begged to differ.

            “He’s right, we should get some rest before meeting with Voss.” Lae’zel’s head snapped to see Shadowheart approaching. “It would be foolish to confront a mind flayer and a devil on the same day.” Lae’zel didn’t reply immediately, though the answer for what they should do was clear, she was not any happier to admit it.

            “All right,” she spat. “Prepare for an early departure by dawn, I will not wait for anyone.”

            “Of course,” he hummed with a dismissive wave.

. . .

            “I’m just saying we should take some more time to discuss our next course of action.” Gale instinctively backed up as Lae’zel stalked his receding form. “It would be unwise to go in all wands blazing without considering the effect this might have.”

            “I am not leaving my Prince at the hands of a ghaik any longer.” Astarion had no interest in interfering on the wizard’s behalf. Watching the man sweat was more than amusing. “The only thing unwise would be for you to continue talking.”

            “What if freeing Orpheus leads to us losing our only protection from the absolute.” It was Wyll who stepped in between the two. No surprises there, the vampire thought. Lae’zel had burst through the doors of their room at the inn with an attitude ready to fight the next person who dared to go against her plans.

            “It will, I’ve already told you that freeing Orpheus will only result in him—”

            “Will someone please get the squid to shut up.” Astarion winced, feeling the pain of The Emperors telepathy within his mind. How lucky Halsin and Jaheira were to not feel such an annoying headache.

            “Gladly,” Lae’zel sneered.

            “There are still other issues that we need to address.” Halsin’s voice passed by Astarion from behind, he could feel the bear of a man coming closer to the group before passing the vampire all together to aid Wyll and Gale from the Lae’zel’s wrath. “Orin and Gortash are still alive, it would be best to get rid of them before going to the astral plane.

            “Agreed, we cannot allow the absolute to draw more power from the city. It’s time we faced them.” Halsin nodded an acknowledgement at Jaheira, her argument adding to the growing resistance.  

            Quickly the room devolved into a mass of bickering, Lae’zel mostly fighting alone on her side. It took Astarion a few moments to realize that there was something off about the whole scene. It stumped him briefly but the soft steps of someone else moving about in the background was the answer.

            “Not going to step in, dearest?” Tav jumped a bit as Astarion walked towards her, his back now to the group. “It’s very unlike you.”

            “It’s been a long day,” the bed bounced slightly as she dropped her pack onto it. “And I don’t feel like picking a fight with Lae’zel.” If only the rest were that smart, he thought. “She’ll see reason soon enough, anyways. We really do need to usurp Orin and Gortash while we can.”

            “I’m sure she will,” his lips curled. “Right after she breaks a couple of Gale and Wyll’s ribs, of course.”

            “Shadowheart will fix them up,” her body joined the bag as she sat down onto the covers. “Or Halsin, either way they’ll be fine.”

            “I love this newfound ‘compassion’ of yours,” he briefly glanced away, catching sight of a smaller person far from the argument occurring. Either Yenna was blissfully unaware or was doing a great job at pretending everything was okay. “I just wish you had acquired it earlier.” Then maybe they wouldn’t be stuck worrying about every little orphan who manipulated Tav’s kindness.

            “They’re adults, they can take care of themselves.” He raised an eyebrow at this. Was she really letting things go for once. “I’m tired and I want to sleep.” She wasn’t looking at him anymore, choosing to instead dig around into her bag that she never organized, even at his insistence.

            “Fair enough,” a level of trepidation lined his voice. Before he could ask if she was alright, a loud clang hit the floor behind him, silencing the bickering voices. He turned away instinctively, catching sight of Lae’zel stomping away towards the door. A dagger, no doubt previously aimed towards the other men, laid forgotten at Halsin’s feet.

            “Fine,” she spat, casting one last glance towards them before nearly kicking the door off its hinges. “Cowards, all of you.” With that, she was gone. Shadowheart moved a few steps, considering the possibility of going after her, before ultimately stopping. Even from her his spot, Astarion could see the way her jaw clenched, hands balled at her sides.

            The rest of them dispersed to their own spots in the room, silence hung in the air uncomfortably. Karlach’s, he noticed, took a moment to collect Lae’zel’s dagger. She rarely used such a small weapon in combat, opting for her painfully heavy sword and bow. The little thing glinted in the light briefly before the Tiefling went to place it neatly on Lae’zel’s bunk.

            Such a mess they were, he thought with a shake of his head.

. . .

            He tried not to stare too much at Tav. His own bed had been placed directly next to hers and it was becoming harder to ignore the way she shifted and squirmed under the covers. Sleep came easily to the girl, at least most of the time. Her experience with combat and adventuring was limited before the parasite, her body unuse to such strenuous work. She rarely complained, though. The only indicator that this was tough for her especially being how quickly she tuckered out at the end of the day.

            There was a chance that some of the chatter was keeping her up. The silence hadn’t lasted too long before Karlach, Shadowheart, and Jaheira set up some type of card game. They weren’t particularly loud, save for whenever Karlach gained the upper hand in the game. Gale had tried shushing her a couple of times before ultimately giving up. The book in his hands had eventually engrossed him enough to tune it all out.

            When moonlight began to seep through their windows, Tav snores still not filling the air, Astarion decided to forsake his own spot. Standing over her crumbled form brought back the memory of the first time he had attempted to drink her blood. The few nights before that had been increasingly painful as he watched her lie so sweetly under the stars. Over time she felt less like a person and more like a beautiful feast, all set out for him alone. It was a shock, looking back, how long he held out on partaking.

            Her reaction to noticing him looming over her this time around was much less frantic. A little bit of surprise played on her parted lips as she slowly sat up to speak. There was still a hint of innocence in her eyes whilst meeting his gaze. Scores of monsters and cultists had perished under her spells and blades and yet it didn’t jade her the way it would for other humans.

            So precious, he thought.

            “Is something wrong?” It came out as a whisper, her eyes glancing left to confirm that Wyll remained unmoving in his bunk.

            “I was actually just about to ask you that, darling.” He wasn’t as quiet as her, unafraid that the Blade of Frontiers would wake up easily. “You’ve been acting peculiarly since we got back, care to enlighten me?”

            “I told you I was tired,” she looked away. “It’s been a very long day.”

            “And yet you’ve been tossing and turning for nearly an hour.” He crossed his arms over his chest, feeling a little too much like a scolding parent than a partner.

            “I . . .” She trailed off, knees moving up to support her chest as she leaned forward. “There’s just a lot on my mind right now. Between the netherstones and Orpheus, it’s just overwhelming.”

            “Anything I can do to help,” the bed dipped as he took a seat. There was little space between the two of them now and a part of him buzzed pleasantly at the thought of pulling her into an embrace. They hadn’t been all that touchy as of late. His confession at Moonrise had practically halted most forms of intimacy between them. An outsider looking in wouldn’t have guessed how close the two of them were in comparison to the others. Feather light touches and the occasional hug made up most of the relationship now. Sometimes he would steal a kiss, a usually quick action that ended before Tav had much time to register the affection.

            They had on occasion shared a bedroll back when they were out in the wild. She’d curl up against his side, a hand resting on the part of his chest where his heart once beat. He’d count the constellations whilst listening to the change in her breathing, the obvious indicator that she had plunged into a deep sleep. There, hidden from Cazador and the absolute, a flutter would come and go underneath his ribs. Perhaps he wasn’t all that dead.

            “No, I’ll be okay.” She shook her head, hair rustling against the sides of her face. “Don’t worry about me, please.”

            “Easier said than done, my dear.” The little pout that appeared on her lips decided his next move for him. “Now, scout over.” Tav’s eyes widened, gaze snapping back up to his face. She was still for a few moments, studying his features with an intensity one might have for a major test.

            Little voices scrapped against the back of his mind as he exalted all his control in keeping a calm demeanor. Any doubt or uncertainty would have Tav pushing him away. She was always so concerned about his comfort. It was welcomed graciously most of the time but, as much as the sentiment warmed his icy body, it could also sting. He was not nearly as fragile as she seemed to think he was.

            She only puts up with you because she pities you.

            “O-Okay,” Astarion almost breathed out a sigh of relief when she complied with the request. He wasted no time in joining her under the covers, lest she change her mind at his reluctance.

            She was rigid against him, even after he comfortably adjusted against the mattress. Instead of holding him, like she used to, Tav rolled over so that her back was facing him instead. Both of her hands clenched the sheets rather than his clothes. It unnerved him even more than the silence that passed between him.

            “You know,” he whispered. “I was afraid that your droopy mood had something to do with vanquishing our old ‘friend’, Rapheal.” Acidity coated his pronunciation of the devil’s name. Tav’s body twitched when she heard it, somehow tensing even more than before.

            “I’m glad he’s dead,” disdain leaked from her mouth as she sought to relax her body. “I wish I had cut out his tongue earlier, though. I can still hear his stupid, dramatic voice in my head.”

            “Perhaps I can take your mind off of it?” The sly words fell out of Astarion’s mouth without him even having a chance to think it over. Flirtatiousness was an instinct after two centuries and getting rid of it wasn’t something easily undone. A heaviness set within his chest, an all too familiar panic that he may have gone too far. She shook in his grasp and that heaviness gave way to bitter bile. Swallowing it down with a cough, Astarion placed a hand on her shoulder. “Forgive me, I didn’t—”

            “It’s fine.” Her statement, spoken quicker than before, felt like a cut. “I’m not in the mood, anyways.”

            Not in the mood for you, at least.

            She thinks you’d break under her touch.

            Besides, why would she want you when she just had him.

            He inhaled sharply at the memory conjured up by the swirling voices. He would have kicked himself for carelessness had she not been lying next to him. Amid their quest within the House of Hope, Astarion had been able to push down their interaction with Rapheal’s favorite toy. Now, with her distant yet so close, he could no longer.

. . .

            “I beg your pardon,” the snap of Astarion’s voice rang within the chamber. The marble floor beneath his feet nearly crumbled under the stomp of his boots. A hand kept him from getting closer to the bed before them. “Would you like to repeat that little request?”

            “I said,” the incubus’ eyes looked only at Tav. “Take off your clothes.”

            “Uh, why?” Her voice bordered on cracking. It was her fingers that kept him from throwing a dagger between Haarlep’s eyes.

            “Do you or do you not want my help,” playfulness dripped from the incubus as he rolled softly against the covers of the mattress. “I at least deserve something from you, seeing as you’re asking for so much.”

            “And you’re asking for an arrow through the throat.” Astarion grumbled, fingers flexing and ready for Tav to give the orders to fight.

            “Hypothetically, what were to happen if I did take off my clothes.” His jaw clenched as the human woman spoke slowly.  

            “Well,” he drawled, lips curling in a cat like smirk. “Let’s just say it’s a surprise.”

            “A surprise from an incubus? I wonder what that could possibly be,” Astarion’s mocking voice did little to faze the other man.

            “No need to be so jealous, little spawn.” The grip on Astarion’s shoulder tightened, Tav accurately guessing how restraint was practically peeling away from him. “I have only the best of intentions in mind.”

            “Oh really—”

            “Gives a moment, if that’s okay.” Tav began to pull against him, trying to bring him back towards the group. Haarlep nodded his head which was answer enough for Tav to motion for the companions to form a huddle of sorts.

            “We’re killing him, right?” An unsureness plagued Tav’s face as she shied away from his intense gaze.

            “Honestly, taking up his offer might be the best option.” He made a point to glare at Shadowheart. She looked only at Tav though, not bothering with the pissy vampire. “As much as I want to avoid it, a fight with Rapheal is practically inevitable at this point. Especially if we go through with freeing Hope. I’d rather we save up our resources for that fight instead of wasting it on him.” She motioned towards the incubus with a jerk of her chin.

            “If it were me, I’d rather gut him.” Lae’zel chimed in before Astarion could retort. “But I am not the one he is asking for.” Her gaze fell to Tav.

            “I’m completely fine with ripping his annoying face off,” Karlach glanced back at the Rapheal look-a-like. “But yeah, it’s up to you soldier.”

            “I mean,” the human’s face contorted as pros and cons weighed back and forth within her mind. “If we go against him, who knows what other cronies he’d bring into the fight. Plus, it can make it that much harder to get back to the hammer in time.”

            She wants to say yes to him, the offer is rather tempting.

            “Exactly, I say we get the hammer first with as little complications as possible.” Very few times had Shadowheart’s neck looked so perfectly ready to be ripped out in Astarion’s eyes.

            “Why don’t you take her place, if the choice is so easy.” She rolled her eyes at him.

            “I don’t see why not,” her lips curled up in a bitter smirk. “I’m sure he’s all sorts of fun.”

            “Such a tempting offer,” Haarlep’s voice broke into the group. Apparently, the huddle was pointless if he could hear everything from his side of the room. “But I have my sights set on your little leader. She’s stirred up Rapheal quite a bit with how passionately she denied his deal.”

            “Pity,” the former Sharran mumbled.

            “Now if you lot are somehow able to survive this little trip, I’d be more than happy to pencil you in for a play date, half-elf.” A silent chuckle left Shadowheart’s lips as she shook her head. Astarion couldn’t tell if she’d be against such an offer in the future.

            “Fight or Fornicate, make up your mind before we’re out of choices.” Lae’zel turned back to Tav as the human seemed even more indecisive than before.

            “I . . .” Her eyes met his then, as the rest of the group waited in bated breath for an answer. They stared at each other as each passing second felt even slower than the last.

            She wants your permission.

            You’ve left her longing for too long.

            The answer to her needs is practically begging to relieve her.

            He could do so, so much more for her.

            She’s tired of waiting for you to get a grip. So tired of holding your pathetic hand.

            I’d be cruel to deny her such an experience.

            “. . . It’s up to you, my love.” Throwing the façade of acceptance on his face wasn’t too hard to do. He had done it so many times before, he had practically become a master of it at this point. “I won’t hold it against you, whatever you decide.”

            She was quiet, facing smoothing at as her decision was made within her mind. She turned back to Haarlep first, prompting the others to do the same. Astarion, though, kept most of his attention on her and not the creature he wanted to eviscerate.

            Something inside him shattered as her lithe fingers went to the hem of her shirt. The realization that she was about to disrobe in front of Haarlep and their friends hit him like a pommel strike. The voices in his head were twisting wildly within his mind and somehow, throughout the horror of it all, he found himself bitterly thankful for Tav’s choice in today’s team.

            It was no secret that all their companions had, at one point, made a pass at Tav. Her rejection of them always had a sliver of satisfaction rolling up his spine. In Karlach, Shadowheart, and Lae’zel’s case, they had taken her no rather well. It was easy enough for the later two who had begun ‘sparring’ away from the eyes of the camp sometime after their interaction with the creche. Their excuse was that they needed more space to fight and that they didn’t want to ‘accidentally’ hurt someone during the intense training.  

            Hate sex is the best sex, Tav had muttered one night as she and Astarion caught the two women glaring at each other whilst walking off into the woods. He had curled his lips at the scandalous statement, deciding silently to remember the tidbit for a possible future tryst.

            Karlach, Astarion realized, was just happy to have the embrace of a friend. Romance had been easily forgotten by the Tiefling. The same couldn’t be said for Gale and Wyll. They had assured her that it was alright before and Tav had taken it at face value. Astarion knew better though, could see it in the way their eyes followed her. When she spoke, they would glance at her lips and look away as if caught with their hand in the proverbial cookie jar. The vampire spawn sometimes basked in the longing he could see within them every time he displayed even the smallest of Tav’s reciprocated affections.

            “Could you all go guard the door,” snapping out his trance, Astarion watched as Tav put a pause on removing her clothes. “The last thing we need is Rapheal waltzing in.”

            “Of course,” Shadowheart was the first to comply. Lae’zel quirked an eyebrow for a moment before leaving as well. He could feel Karlach looking back and forth between him and Tav. Reluctantly she placed a hand on his shoulder and encouraged him to walk away with her. Though her engine had been fixed, her palm was practically scalding against the thin fabric of his disguise.

            “We’re just across the room,” he murmured. “In case you need us.”

            With a nod of Tav’s head, Astarion finally complied with Karlach’s touch. The two turned around to trail after the other members of their party. He focused on the echo of the grand faucets flowing hot water into the pool between them. Anything to keep from catching the sound of whatever surprise the incubus had in mind.

            “You okay?” Astarion growled lowly at the question. He knew that Karlach’s concern was genuine, deep down, yet he couldn’t help but feel only irritation.

            “Of course I am.” He sneered; he wasn’t the one stuck staring at Rapheal’s stupid face. He considered telling them to not talk to him, as he was in no mood. Yet the little chatter that passed between the other three was something to hold onto. Very little went by the doorway of the boudoir, just a couple of miserable waifs limping about. A wonderful reminder of what might happen to them sooner rather than later.

            “—Must we waste time freeing her.”

            “Are you suggesting we leave Hope chained to this asshole.” He didn’t want to look behind him to watch their argument.

            “The longer we stay here, the more likely we are to join her.” Shadowheart’s voice was farthest away. A little too far for his liking, more likely to see what was happening past the pool.

            It must be quite a show, maybe she’ll tell you all the gory details later.

            Or maybe Tav will, how long will it be before his name passes those luscious lips.

            She won’t want you after this.

            What’s the point of a pretty face when that’s all it is. She’ll get sick of looking at it when she realizes she could have more.

            He didn’t know how much time had passed when Shadowheart’s voice cut through the mess in his head.

            “It looks like they’ve stopped,” gods he was going to throw up. “Come on.”

            Luckily the half-elf was correct. By the time the four of them had come to the other end of the room, Haarlep was already off the bed and looking starkly different from before. Instead of the near perfect imitation of Rapheal, he had shifted into a woman. An improvement, yes, but still too like the devil in looks. Tav was shimmying her shirt back on, something black and tight coverd the rest of her body. She hadn’t worn it before.

            Haarlep, noticing their return, locked eyes with him particularly. The ends of his lips twisted higher than they had before. In the blink of an eye the new feminine form shifted into something all too familiar. Instead of the Rapheal look alike, a copy of Tav now smirked at him.

            To his utter displeasure, the incubus was gone before the shock could lift. Tav didn’t waste time in collecting the contents of the safe. The portrait of Rapheal broke in half under her hands as she pried it off the wall. It was tossed unceremoniously across the floor. If only they had time to destroy more of the devil’s tacky décor.

            “Let’s go,” Tav was striding past them. Determination set within the crease of her forehead. There were questions on the tongue of each one of them. Ultimately their curiosity was left unspoken.

[a1t-alt]

LONG PERSONAL POST - BG3 AND HOW I PLAY IT (SPOILERS /gen)

Hi okay so I'm fucking insane and I NEED to tell SOMEONE because I'm being bullied to hell (deserved) by my close friends over this- I am an incredibly slow gamer and I’m very particular about how I play. Save scumming? I don’t know what you mean. Romancing literally anyone that isn't Astarion? I'm pretty sure that isn't real but a lie made up by Larian Studios to convince more people to play the game (/j). It's literally the only thing I play ever anymore.. besides Minecraft, but I digress.

I got BG3 in the middle of September (2023) through game share, and started by playing with my brother and his boyfriend with mods! I didn't get to play much of that character, but that's not the point okay. Okay the point is- a few things actually. Let me start with- 

My first time playing BG3 was modded. I played MAYBE 3 hours on that character. They were gorgeous and unfortunately they no longer exist. I spent more than half of that time making them. They were a dragonborn and I don't remember for certain? But I Think they were just a Tav, not Durge. Unfortunately their name is also lost to the cosmos :( Here are a couple of the very few pictures I have of them!

I made a few characters at first, let's say like.. 5? Two were Durge, the others Tavs. 3 of those 5 got maybe a maximum of 6 hours each, never made it into the Emerald Grove. I think.. I'm pretty sure all but 1 went through the ruins and got Withers. The 4th one, my main and New Very Cool And Awesome Black Dragonborn Barbarian Durge™ got up to!! I believe it was up to 38 hours? I had done only a few things though! I had taken care of Kagha (no kill, I convinced her to not side with the shadow druids, she didn't hurt Arabella), I had gone through and done pretty much everything in the Emerald Grove? I saved Mirkon, I saved Arabella, I played it up with Volo, I killed the squirrel, I saved the tiefling from being assassinated and got a coin out of it (sick, was completely unintentional, I didn't like her much), bought stuff from the kids and all kinds of other things- you get it. I had gone through the blighted village, went through Waukeen’s Rest (but idk if I saw the Zhentarim with this character), killed the big spider, looted so many things, killed Ethal, revived Mayrina’s husband, found infernal iron, saved Karlach after save scumming her death and getting the fire armour for Wyll but it's okay because she was Fine After- *gasp* I got her engine upgraded once, and the very very last things I did was defeat the gobbo camp then kill Minthara and Dror Ragzlin (and Gut ofc, but I killed her first). I was in the middle of the party with the tieflings! I saved before anything happened, so I didn't see the fun stuff, but uh.. yeah, I ended up resetting my game, deleting all my mods and such to play with my partner. So went the days with my darling Melaqyn :’))) I miss them all of the everyday actually. Unfortunately I can't find any pictures of them :(( so here's some pictures of another of my early dragonborns, Sesaphael (name graciously yoinked from my partner's OC).

After I lost Melaqyn (which if I'm honest, I didn't actually lose them. I just didn't have the mods anymore and really didn't want to corrupt the file) I ended up making a few random characters- by a few I mean.. like 10, but only 2 or 3 survived. I made a couple also for playing with people, which were based on my own characters, so they were a little bit special? I started a game with a DND character I had made a year or two ago, who has the Haunted One background lmao- their name is Skulk- I'd show pictures but I'm really not that proud of how they look anymore >< I kinda floated for a bit in between games- I was playing all the time, but never settling- I was genuinely mourning Melaqyn.

Determined to get back on my feet with a character for real, I made a tiefling, named them “Ammarir”. They were supposed to look a bit like me, sort of like playing myself? Just a Tav though, which I regret to be honest but! There's always more time- I've been playing Ammarir since October 4th! They’re vanilla, so it was nice to not have to worry about corrupting their file. I started playing them slow at first, in between other campaigns, but I did keep coming back to them. Here are some early game pictures!

I was very quickly falling in love with them, and as soon as the mirror got added holy SHIT- I'VE CHANGED THEIR APPEARANCE SO MUCH OVER TIME NOW- Here are a couple early pictures from right after the mirror was introduced!

As I've made progress in the storyline with them, I've been having vitiligo spread slowly over their body- they don't have it here but will in upcoming pictures. I played and played and played and I'd done a ton of completionist type shit with their campaign (futile I know) until I finally got to the same amount of hours. It was insane, I wasn't as far into the game as I was with Melaqyn- I hadn't even made it to the gobbo camp yet. It took me 47 hours to make it there, and I knew this time around that Minthara was a companion. However, I did kill her, and I did keep her body in my camp, and It Is Still in my traveller's chest. 

I started getting anxious about playing, about the idea of making progress, of missing anything, of saying something wrong or fighting when I shouldn't have. I didn't want to look anything up because I wanted it to be fun and a surprise.. but I also made myself look things up because I couldn't handle the thought of getting things wrong. I had heard Astarion was hard to romance, so I used a guide for So Many interactions, with him and with him around. He's been a permanent party member (save for when I'm working on the others and have to trade people out for a moment, but even then I usually keep him in the party). Pictures from before the party! (They're taken a small time apart, and I only know because you can't see vitiligo on the first one.)

The prospect of playing the game became so daunting, I ended up spending a lot of time just mucking about and sorting my inventory and collecting items and finding nothingness so I didn't have to move on. I finally got a push from my partner to talk with Zevlor about the party, and we did it! And it was awesome! And Astarion was very pleased with me! Alfira was there! I really liked the party. Even after that though, I didn't really.. move on. I ended up going through the underdark and at ~70 hours, I finished everything down there, everything else in the main Act 1 space, and finally ventured to the crèche. I didn't spend a lot of time there to be honest, jumping back and forth between it and the Emerald Grove to sell things, buy things, the likes. I managed to sneak out the back of the crèche and not fight anyone (except the guys waiting in the room where Vlakith was) so I moved on and got out of there because those guys are tough, and I'm not good at combat lmao. I made a lot of changes between the tiefling party and just after the crèche, so here's a little run down! (Gotta love the zaith'isk)

I've only recently made it into Act 2, early December I think. I've hardly done anything as far as I know. I saved Isobel (reloaded a couple times bc I am NOT hurting Dammon <3), talked to He-Who-Was (I've not done his quest yet but I agreed to), I've taken care of the tollhouse (literally like not even a week ago), spoke with Raphael in the Inn, as well as now just past the House of Healing, I did some dark justiciar stuff with Shart, killed Kar'niss (sadge u-u), saved Arabella again, a couple other things I'm sure and I'm currently going through the House of Healing-

Real quick I want to add- I had a few weeks where I couldn't bring myself to play Ammarir. I didn't (and still don't) know what lies ahead in the story and I just. Couldn't. I decided one night, a week or two ago now, that I want mods again. Mostly just visual stuff, I love the customization in this game, and I wanted a little more freedom. I also discovered the beautiful basket full of equipment mod and I've been very much enjoying the sick as fuck armour B) I didn't want to load up their game at first, since I made them to be! A vanilla campaign! But I thought.. “I'm not having fun and this feels like a chore. We can play with the mods and see how it goes!” And holy SHIT I've been having so much more fun :’)

As of writing this, I'm at 114+ hours on Ammarir's playthrough. I've had the scenes with Gale and Wyll, didn't uhh.. I wasn't interested in Gale (but I'd be lying if I said I didn't go through with it and reload-) but I went through with the kiss with Wyll! Which finally sparked the single neuron that's still alive in Astarion's soiled pants (/a) of a brain to bring up the nature of our relationship. Here's some pictures from some of my most recent gameplay (in order of oldest to newest, over the span of like 9 days).

This all got away from me- I really did just mean to say that I am a very slow player. My brother’s boyfriend has beaten the game, got farther than I am in less than 24 hours which is insane to me. I suppose now at the bottom of this all, I should tell you how many hours I have in the game in total. Mind you, where Ammarir is now, is as far as I've seen the game.

(Everything prior to this text was written on January 21st, 2024. The latter has written on February 12th, 2024)

Having mistakenly left this to simmer a little too long, I now have 431.2 hours in the game. Ammarir is now in early Act 3, with 158+ hours, and boy do I have some things to add since I wrote all of that.

Picking up where I left off, I did most everything in Act 2! I’ve realised that in doing the Last Light Inn quest things early in Act 2, I missed some interactions :( One, I didn’t get to play chess with Mol and Raphael (I actually don’t know what happens in that interaction at all- I haven’t seen it anywhere and I don’t really want to seek it out. I’ll see it eventually). Two, I think I spoke to Rolan at Last Light about his siblings, but I never saw him again after that. I didn’t know I should’ve looked for him until after I did the Nightsong quest. He wasn’t where he was supposed to be, and I had a broken quest which sucks, but it’s okay.

I saved all the tiefs and dwarves from Moonlight Towers- but let me go back a little. I did pretty much every single thing possible in the Shadow Cursed Lands, and! I went back to the Creche and destroyed everyone (bc I’m a loot goblin and I couldn’t leave all those goodies behind ToT). With the Creche cleared out, I sort of just went between the Emerald Grove, Last Light Inn and the Thorm family businesses™ for a handful of reasons. 

There were two things in particular that I really wanted to do with Ammarir’s playthrough, which were collecting every single skull and head I could get my hands on, and unlocking every edge of the map, everywhere I went. I’m sure I’ve missed many a head, and some spots on the maps were impossible to get to, but I’ve done my best.

It’s been a minute since I’ve added pictures, and my babe changed a lot through the Shadow Cursed Lands, so here’s a few pics!

By this point I’d finished everything in Moonrise and got myself prepared for Act 3- well sort of. I knew that I was reaching the end of Act 2, but I didn’t know anything about the transition in between? So I was wrapping all of my quests up, trying to find Rolan, looking for anything I could- realising too late that I didn’t and couldn’t bring my brain jars from the Nautiloid into Moonrise with me- after killing Ketherik. But it’s okay, I have them both neatly set aside on another campaign. Anyhow, I saved Dame Aylin, and she and Isobel are in my camp now, happily by one another’s side again. Shart has her snowy hair, and a very pretty white and gold makeup look to match, and I went to the road to Baldur’s Gate.

In camp, I was going through some of the clothes I had picked up- found a pair of pants, that are just.. pants? No shirt? I thought it would be funny if I had Ammarir wear those as camp clothes and uh.. Immediately went into the cutscene to start Act 3 ToT. So I have some pictures of them just.. topless, looking out over the city. I reloaded, changed them into something more comfortable and appropriate, and went through the cutscene again. These are pictures from leaving the Shadow Cursed Lands, entering the Act 3 intro, and the beginning of the scene in the Astral Prism.

I had no idea what to expect!! I didn’t know that Gith came after us at camp, I didn’t know that I had to go into the prism and fight, I didn’t know that I was going to meet The Emperor yet! It had been kind of a long fucking time since the last time I saw my gaurdian, so I genuinely wasn’t sure when it was going to happen. I did figure out that my guardian was The Emperor early on in playing the game- not entirely spoiled for me by stuff online or by friends, but genuinely just.. Finding out that The Emperor exists in the Astral Plane kind of tickled my brain an odd way lmao.

Now, I had been waiting a long, long time for this event- I knew nothing about how it happened, but talking with The Emperor and getting the astral-touched parasite was something I was Very Excited to have happen. I didn’t know it happened at the beginning of Act 3- though I didn’t know when it was going to happen at all, so it’s not saying much to be honest. Like I said, I was waiting for this, and I very graciously accepted this gift. Quite hastily perhaps even- when I started Ammarir’s game, I had no intention of using the Mindflayer abilities At All! But how could I turn down the offer? I’d begun using the abilities rather frequently by the time I entered Act 2, and by the end I was pretty juiced up on worms frankly. Here’s Ammarir after using the parasite!

I wasn’t alone in my venture either, I wanted to share this with my companions- of course- but I wasn’t going to Make Anyone do something they didn’t want to do. I spoke with Astarion first, considering he and Ammarir are together, what he thought. He was heavily against it for himself, and y’know what? Fair! I don’t plan on having him “evolve” at all, not past normal parasites. Gale I spoke to and he wasn’t opposed, but wasn’t for it. I convinced him pretty easy peasy and now he’s joined in on the fun! Skipping to Lae’zel, I did convince her to use the astral-touched parasite as well, and I’m not even a little sorry. She looks fucking awesome, and she’s so powerful TwT Gonna put just a couple pics of them in here, as a treat~ (before And after)

Considering I didn't evolve Astarion and don't plan to, I wasn't planning on posting pictures of him here- and I've reached my image limit, or I would 10000% show him here. Unfortunately though, I can't, but if anyone wants to see him, I'll post some pictures of him and Ammarir separately <3

As of writing this, I’ve not gotten very far into Act 3. In Rivington now- donated to the Flaming Fist for the refugees, spoken to a handful of folks around, was granted access to the circus (but I’ve not gone in yet) and I traded with the shady fucker who trades “antiques”. I’ve also run into Orin! The blacksmith’s shop is really cute, I’m absolutely in love with Exxvikyap 🥺 Seeing all the Baldurians who absentmindedly look up to Gortash is giving me whiplash (I’ve hated the guy since BEFORE I started playing ToT Fuck him).

Anyway, I could go on and on and on forever, but I think.. I think I will finish this off here, for now. If I end up updating this in the future, I’ll be more timely about it- After all, I did just pick up a Durge OC campaign that I’ve been wanting to do for months.

[miradelletarot]

NO BETA, WE DIE LIKE ALFIRA!

It's posted, y'all!! We are chugging along in their story, and there's a lot more to come...I am so fucking excited. idk if y'all know how excited I am lol. Anyway, Part 9 is up!! Enjoy! I am not sure I'll have part 10 up before Christmas, but I kinda hope I do. We shall see =p Until then, buckle up and get ready for angst, fluff, more angst, Gale entering his bloodthirsty era /jk, and more. Love y'all!

[thepapernautilus]

stuck in the throat of the gods.

It is Astarion alone who stands next to you, covered in gore, and his smile is so sweet, so beatific, as he traces a blood-soaked hand across your cheek. “Gods, you’re beautiful,” he breathes, even as you effortlessly slip your dagger into his stomach. When you wake, sprawled in your bedclothes in a sweaty, inextricable tangle, you hate yourself so much you think it could finally kill you.

Good Aligned Vague F!Dark Urge/Astarion, happy spooktober.

Graphic Depictions of Violence; 7.4k Explicit; Astarion/Vague F!Dark Urge, 2nd POV, Spoilers for The Dark Urge Questline, Vampire Bites, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Intrusive Thoughts, Blood & Gore, Angst & Hurt/Comfort, Suicidal Ideation, Explicit Sexual Content, Psychological Content, No Beta We Die Like Alfira, Earn Your Happy Ending Chapter 1 of ?; I don't have an update schedule planned but we'll see where my heart takes me.

Posted on Archive Of Our Own.

[catoperated]

“Why is no one talking about Alfira and—”

The DU killing Alfira (though it’s avoidable if you knock her out or betray the tieflings quick… in the latter case because she’s already dead) is such a meme that there’s a common tag on AO3 called “no beta we die like Alfira”