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love me some christian!hvitserk i guess🧍🏼(also this is probably my outing as a christian lol?)
this is heavily influenced by ‘modern christianity’ since i myself am a mennonite and know almost nothing about catholicism🧍🏼so, this is no accurate representation of christianity during the 9th/10th century (also, i wrestled with the king james bible for this😭)
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REQUESTS/ASKS OPEN!!!
hvitserk stares at the little piece of paper in his hand. alfred gave it to him. a bible verse translated into english. hvitserk’s reading wasn’t the best but he could understand the verse. alfred said it was from psalms 121.
I will lift up my eyes to the hills—From whence comes my help?
My help comes from the Lord, Who made heaven and earth.
he toys with the paper, the thin material already ripping from his fumbling. the christian god was so…weird. why would someone worship a weak god? a god that died, nailed to a cross? hvitserk didn’t understand.
ivar always called him ‘the bread god’ because christians ate their god after each mass. again, it didn’t make sense. not in the slightest. which god would allow his people to eat him? that was a sign of weakness!
but while hvitserk couldn’t quite wrap his mind around the christian god and who he was, he found that he found a certain comfort in the bible verse alfred gave him. he couldn’t explain it. but the thought that there was someone watching over him, thinking of him and keeping him safe, without him having to sacrifice an animal stirred something deep within him.
lately hvitserk found himself thinking about the christian god more often than he might like. he attended his lessons—like alfred had instructed—and most of the time he didn’t pay attention. why should he? officially he might be a christian but deep down he hadn’t accepted their god. but one thing the priest said was stuck in his head:
“god does not want anything from you but your heart.”
at first hvitserk thought he was supposed to literally give his heart but the priest soon told hvitserk what it really meant:
“giving god your heart means that you accept the beautiful gift he gave us. his son. that’s all you need to do. everything else will follow.”
that left hvitserk thinking. with his gods there were no do’s and don’t’s. he could do anything he wanted. with christianity it was different. there were so many rules and so many things you needed to keep in mind. it was exhausting…
give god his heart. it sounded so easy yet so hard. and the fact that he couldn't read their sacred text made it even harder. all hvitserk had were the things the priest told him and the bible verse alfred gave him. maybe he should ask the young king for more verses?
and as if you speak of the devil the heavy door to hvitserk's room opens. he turns around and sees alfred looking at him. "hello hvitserk," he smiles, walking further into the room and closing the door. "how are you?"
hvitserk starts to move to properly greet alfred but the saxon waves him off. so, hvitserk falls back into the chair. "i'm okay," he says. "thinking."
alfred nods. "ah. might i ask about what?"
"your god."
alfred chuckles. "do you want to share those thoughts with me? or shall i call for a priest?" the look in his eyes is genuine; like everything he's done for hvitserk so far.
the man in question shakes his head. "no need to call the priest. i want to talk to you." he looks at alfred, a tiny voice in the back of his head telling him that it was a terrible idea. but the request already rolled past his lips.
alfred's eyes light up and he sits down on hvitserk's bed. "of course. what is it you want to talk about?"
hvitserk takes a deep breath and adjusts on the chair. "your god, the priest said i just need to give him my heart," he starts. "what does that mean? he told me something but i don't quite understand it." confusion is evident in hvitserk eyes and alfred nods in a understanding manner.
"well, from the very beginning god wanted to have a relationship with us. he made us, he is our father, but when adam and eve ate the fruit that got destroyed–"
"but why?" hvitserk sounds frustrated.
alfred nods again, a faint smile on his lips. "because he is perfect, holy, clean. and we are not. my eating the fruit adam and eve disobeyed god." his voice was calm and soft as he tried to explain the fall from grace. "someone had to pay for adam's and eve's sin. that's why for thousands of years the israelites sacrificed animals. but from the very beginning god told adam and eve that he will send someone to pay the price for their sin."
a deep frown was visible on hvitserk's face. dept? death? what? maybe he should've listened during his lessons with the priest...
"in genesis two, verse 14 and 15 it says:
"And the LORD God said unto the serpent, Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy life:
And I will put enmity between thee and the woman, and between thy seed and her seed; it shall bruise thy head, and thou shalt bruise his heel."
that was the first time jesus christ was promised to us. now, when god send jesus thousands of years later, he died on the cross for our sins. hence the cross in our churches." alfred takes a deep breath and studies hvitserk's face. the northman still looked so confused.
hvitserk opens his mouth and closes it again. he thinks for another second before he finally talks. "but why do i have to give my heart to him?"
alfred hums, "well, the price for our sin is paid. all you need to do now is accept it. i trust the priest told you that already?"
"he did," hvitserk nods. "he did tell me that."
there's silence for a few moments before alfred talks again. "but there is something bothering you, is it not?"
again hvitserk nods. "there is." he thinks what to say for a seconds. "there are all those rules and...and i don't understand them. why do you need to follow them?" a defeated sigh leaves his lips and he starts fiddling with the piece of paper again.
"they're not rules, i would say," alfred says, a certain determination in his voice. "when god created the world he established a certain standard. and we're supposed to live by this standard." he folds his hands in his lap. "but we can't."
the frown on hvitserk's face deepens. what does that mean?
"the human itself is not able to keep god's standards. they are holy and we–by birth–are not. that is why god offers us his help. he wants to shape us into a human after his image, because that is how we were made. we were made in his image."
when hvitserk doesn't say anything alfred faintly chuckles. "this is messing with your head, is it not?" hvitserk nods and bites the inside of his cheek. "well, i think this is enough for today. we can continue our talk on another day if you would like. but right now i believe it is time for supper." alfred stands up, looking at hvitserk. "would you like to join me?"
"of course," hvitserk mumbles as he stands up. this was all so confusing and overwhelming. he would need to think about this further the next days. maybe then he could continue his conversation with alfred...
#writing#ao3#fanfiction#archive of our own#story writing#hvitserk#hvitserk lothbrok#hvitserk ragnarsson#hvitserk lothbrok x reader#hvitserk x reader#vikings#history vikings#alfred#king alfred
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Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Dungeon Meshi | Delicious in Dungeon Rating: Teen Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Marcille Donato/Falin Touden, Marcille Donato & Chilchuck Tims Characters: Marcille Donato, Falin Touden, Chilchuck Tims Additional Tags: Post-Canon, Crack, marcille misunderstands what aromantic means Summary: Things are simple, now that she understands it. Marcille’s just unsure why everyone is looking at her like she grew another head when she announces that she’s aromantic.
Note: this is all pretty much based on this panel from the adventurer's bible here and this story includes manga spoilers! my view of marcille which is that while she’s brilliant and an excellent scholar, some of her “streetwise” knowledge is suspect. Falin is her first friend (as much as she is Falin’s) because of her wacky development and I imagine that the *italian* society (and also the elves in general) have a traditional sense of marriage, etc. So in all, she’s pretty sheltered (she learned most of the curse words in the dungeons) and uneducated about things not in the popular elf romance books her mother would have bought her.
Falin felt her mouth salivate as Senshi brought the last dish to the table. Laois had already served himself stew and was eating while Marcille stared daggers at him.
“I'm so happy you're all here!” Laois smiled between bites.
It was the first time since her second resurrection that they had sat down for dinner together. Well, since it was only them.
They hadn’t tried to invite anyone outside of it, but it had been a relief that Yaad and Pattadol were locked in some negotiation together and Kabru took one look at the menu and immediately made excuses. Falin herself had tried to, but Laois had simply said, “You’re as big a member of this party as anyone.” And she’d blushed and dropped it, not just because she was excited to experience Senshi’s cooking again.
“Did it really have to be Basilisk stew?” Marcille sighed.
“You wanted my cooking,” Senshi grunted.
Marcille sighed louder and shared a look with a tired looking Chilchuck as she loaded her bowl. Izutsumi was carefully picking out bits that she wanted and avoiding almost all of the vegetables. Falin watched it all, feeling something like contentment lick her chest.
“Have you looked over the proposals I gave you?” Chilchuck asked and Laois sighed heavily.
“Please, no work talk,” He glared at Chilchuck, “I get enough of it all day. Kabru isn’t here, so nothing without my advisor.”
“Gee thanks,” Marcille grumbled.
“I didn’t mean it like that,” Laois blushed, “Marcille you know I’d be completely lost without you.” Marcille glared him down, and he continued “But you have boundaries.”
“Thanks?”
“Marcille?” Chilchuck scoffed softly next to Falin.
“Have you walked into my bedroom in the morning to wake me up because you had some idea about the trade negotiations that afternoon?”
“No,” Marcille’s nose wrinkled, “Of course not. Your bedroom?!”
Laois looked mournfully down at his serving of stew, “And his latest project is finding me a suitor. He has a whole list of potential people and everything.”
Senshi shook his head, “You’re going to find a partner from a list?”
“No!” Laois said, “I mean, Kabru wants me to. Has them ordered by beneficial alliances, but insists that I can pick whoever I want.” He sighed.
The table lapsed into silence as they all ate, before Marcille said, “Well, I understand Kabru’s perspective, but I would never force you to make that decision.”
“Thanks Marcille.”
She smiled, “I couldn’t even imagine if you were trying to do that with me.”
Chilchuck rolled his eyes, “No one would take away your chance for a complicated romance and insane wedding.”
“What? No! I don’t want that!”
“You want a simple romance?”
Marcille shivered, “No!”
Falin felt like she had been eaten by the dragon all over again.
“What?” Chilchuck scoffed, “You don’t want to get married? You’re obsessed with those books!”
“The Dalitan Clan is literature, and has no bearing on me. I like to read about it,” Marcille huffed back.
“It's so long,” Falin muttered under her breath.
“You’re telling me you don’t want some selection of suitors vying for your hand?” Chilchuck pressed, “Maybe one with an eye patch and a white horse.”
An eye patch? Izutsumi laughed when Chilchuck caught her eye.
“Of course not,” Marcille grinned, “I'm aromantic.”
Falin’s mouth dropped open as she stared at Marcille. Laois froze with his spoon halfway in his mouth and Chilchuck’s face contorted into a shocked grimace. Senshi and Izutsumi continued eating as if they hadn’t heard anything earth shattering until Senshi looked up and caught Chilchuck’s expression.
“Good for you,” Senshi said.
“Thank you,” Marcille’s ears were tinged pink as she studiously stared at her stew. Falin dropped her own eyes as her mind whirled. She could feel Laois trying to make eye contact with her.
Her hand gripped harder around her spoon, digging in to distract her from the sudden desire to cry. That was stupid, no, just focus on eating, just eat. You had a beautiful, delicious, one of a kind meal in front of you. Ignore everything else. Focus on this amazing dinner. The good friends around her. Friends.
“Aromantic!?!” Chilchuck unfroze with a bang to the table, “Are you serious?”
“Yeah,” Marcille smiled, “I learned about it the other day. I had no idea there was a term for it.”
“You don't want to fall in love?” Chilchuck pressed.
Marcille's face stuttered, “No.”
“Have a partner?”
“No.”
“Get married?”
“No.”
“Chilchuck,” Laois said, “Cut it out.”
Chilchuck ignored him, “But you love those books.”
“Well yes,” Marcille said, “But that doesn't mean I want it to happen to me. I like reading about court intrigue and assassins but I would very much like to avoid any of that around me.” She glared at Laois like it would be in his control.
Falin wondered if it was possible to die of embarrassment. Was anyone noticing that she’d become a ghost?
“Okay,” Chilchuck rolled his eyes, “But why not romance?”
Marcille stared down at her bowl.
“Chilchuck,” Falin found her voice. Chilchuck looked at her, and something unreadable passed on his face. The tension dropped, not all the way, but he no longer looked like he’d just entered a room by himself to look for traps.
“Fine,” He frowned, “You don't need to explain.”
“Marcille?” Chilchuck said as he wandered into the library. He’d avoided Laois and Falin after dinner and had been halfway through an ale with Senshi before he decided that he couldn’t avoid talking with her. Her room and office had been empty and he’d resigned himself to this last location before he gave up on a good night’s sleep.
“Chilchuck?” Marcille's voice drifted through the stacks. He followed it and found her staring at a map, before forcing a smile at him.
“Look,” He dragged his foot on the ground and looked down. Fuck he hated this, he couldn’t look at her red rimmed eyes any longer, why had he started to like these idiots? “I'm sorry about dinner, I didn't mean to be so demanding. I was just surprised. I thought you'd want an epic romance based on,” He waved his hands about, hoping she could fill in the rest.
Marcille sighed and rubbed a hand through her already messy hair, “I mean, just because things sound nice doesn't mean that I want them.”
He frowned.
“I'd hoped, you know,” She sat heavily on one of the cabinets and he internally winced. “I'd hoped that the demon would take away my desire to not be alone.”
Chilchuck stayed quiet, and patted her leg trying to not dwell on the absolutely travesty that had come out of her mouth.
“When the Canaries were interrogating me and trying to prove how bad it would be, I just, there was a part where it sounded nice. That'd be more useful than my hair,” She huffed, “Now everyone chases me down in the morning.”
The wind rattled the windows as he stared across the room at one of the bookshelves. You wouldn’t know that countless adventurers might have gone through here, that books had been thrown around and shelves destroyed. It was now a perfect castle library filled with some books that were likely a century out of date.
“You know, loneliness is,” He sighed and rubbed his eyes. He should have brought another ale with him for this. “I was weird at dinner because I thought you were saying you're aromantic because you're scared.”
Marcille frowned, “What do you mean?”
“I mean,” He said gently, “Ignoring life spans, let's say your partner dies after you blah, blah, blah. No tragedy or anything, would you want that partner?”
Marcille sighed and began playing with a strand of hair, tangling it some more. “It's not just lifespans,” She said and then gestured at her ears and body, “I'm a half elf.”
“So?”
“I can't have children.”
He blinked, “Okay?”
“So I'll never be married.”
“Um,” He stared at her, “I'm not sure I understand.”
“Half-elves don't love.” She said simply.
He couldn’t stop the laugh that burst out of him and ignored the sharp look hidden behind the watering of her eyes. “Marcille, are you saying you don't love Falin?” She didn’t say anything, and he quickly added, “Izutsumi? Laois? Senshi?”
“That's not what I'm saying,” Marcille sighed, “I’m talking about romantic love. We don't get to be loved.”
“Marcille.” His voice grinded and he hated this, he hated everything, fuck, and squeezed her arm. He wanted to yell, to shake her but he kept his hand loose, the tension driving into the fist clenched at his side.
She turned away and rubbed at her face, and he decided this was the time to ignore the soft sounds of tears dripping down her face, “It's fine. I mean, one of the reasons I like the Daltian Clan so much is that Forva-”
“That blonde guy?” He couldn't stop the chuckle.
“No! That was General Hareus,” Marcille's neck was all red, “No, Forva is a half-elf and, well, I've never wished I was a full blooded elf.” She says hotly, “But it felt like he was written from my own brain. We just, we aren't ever to marry.”
“Because why?” He pressed, “You can't have kids?”
“It’s more than that,” Marcille pressed, voice rising. “But that’s a big part of it. We’re fundamentally different than anyone else-”
“You’re not.” Chilchuck interrupted her.
“You aren’t listening.”
“That’s because you’re saying absolute nonsense.” He let out a long breath, forcing the heat to die down in his chest, “You aren’t some unloveable kid just because you’re a half-elf. That’s not how anything works.”
“Regardless, I can’t have children-”
“There's a lot more to marriage and relationships than kids.” He scoffed.
“But there's no point without them.” Marcille said.
“No,” Chilchuck said, “It’s,” He paused as he tried to figure out what to say without sounding like a giant hypocrite. Sure, his marriage had mostly happened because of a pregnancy, but he was pretty sure that only sped along the inevitable. “I know elves are kinda weird about it all, but marriage's purpose is not procreation. For some, that's a happy addition, and for others, they don't want kids. Some marriages between people can never have kids-”
“Yeah, you know a lot of half-elves?” Marcille snarked.
“Pretty much just you, but marriage can be between two men or two women, I'm sure you can figure out why procreation with them can't happen naturally.”
Marcille froze and face turned white.
“Some,” he continued, as he fought down the laugh that threatened to bubble up and ruin everything at the way her eyes were bugging out of her face. “Some choose to adopt if they want children, and some chose to just enjoy each other-”
“Did you say two women?”
He took a slow breath, “Yes.”
What kind of fucking elvish frigidity did she grow up in? Was she truly so disconnected that she didn’t know queer people existed? Well, apparently she had learned about aro, but that was clearly a very recent development. Was he really going to have to walk through her entire childhood to figure this shit out?
“Oh.” It was like all the breath and life had been stolen from her.
“It's really common with dwarves,” He barrelled on, “But I believe most humans have a decent population who are. And half foots do too.”
She was still frozen.
“Marcille.”
She stared at him, eyes wide, breaths coming in little pants.
“I just, aromantic means that you don't have any desire for it. And some people don't, have no interest in romance or, um,” He coughed, “sex. That's asexual. Which is totally normal if you don’t care about it at all! Ace and aro are about personal preference, not some idea that no one could ever want you. And it’s not that there’s something broken about you, that’s just how some people are.”
He said carefully, “I'm not saying you need to pursue it, just, people can love you, regardless of your ability to have children. And I'm not saying that your fears aren’t,” well he would call them stupid, but that wasn’t helpful, “valid or that you need to pursue it’s, just, you can. There are people out there who can love you.”
In fact, there was one in this very castle, but it really wasn't his place to say anything.
Marcille turned to him, “THAT'S WORSE!”
“WHAT?! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?”
“YOU'RE SAYING PEOPLE CAN LOVE ME!” She screamed.
“HOW IS THAT WORSE?”
She pulled at her hair, “NOW I HAVE TO FACE THAT THEY DON'T! THANKS A LOT CHILCHUCK!”
“YOU'RE IMPOSSIBLE!”
She felt like her whole body was vibrating as she looked through the pages of The Daltian Clan. She was just, well, Chilchuck hadn’t said it, but Marcille was certain that he was thinking it, so fucking stupid. How could she not know?
There was a part of her brain that told her she was just freaking out, that whatever she was feeling for Falin was an intense platonic bond and there were no romantic feelings whatsoever. The rest of her was screaming that she needed to find the scene where General Hareus pledged himself to Forva and the rest would be solved.
Would she have attempted forbidden magic if it was Laois?
She flipped to the next page. She didn’t want to think about that too hard. It had all worked out, except now, she really, really needed to talk to Falin, and if she could only find that one fucking passage, so she knew what to say that would be extremely helpful, thank you very much.
A small knock echoed through her chamber and for a second she froze. Maybe they would just go away? Didn’t they know she was busy? And late?
The knock came again, followed by, “Marcille? Are you there?”
She snapped the book shut, “Falin?”
She wasn’t ready. She was going to have her speech prepared and know exactly what to say. Falin hadn’t finished The Daltian Clan, so wouldn’t know who she was ripping off. She ran her hands through her hair.
“Is now a bad time?”
YES! Marcille wanted to scream, but instead she carefully put the volume away and marched over the door. She affixed a grin to her face and opened the door. Falin blinked at her, and Marcille tried to adjust her face, but it was too late, Falin’s eyebrows were already furrowed in concern.
“No,” Marcille tugged at her robes. “Come in, please.”
“Are you sure?” Falin looked down at her.
“Yes, come in.” Marcille stepped back and opened the door wider, trying to hide her shaking hands.
Falin paused on the threshold for a moment before she walked in, smoothing out the front of her shirt.
“Hi,” Marcille said once she carefully closed the door.
“Hi.”
Marcille stared at her, feeling a humming in her chest and an electricity in her veins. Should she say something now? Hey Falin, how are you? Oh me, I’m good, I think I might be in love with you. Didn’t know that was an option. Haha. Anyway, good night. Hope I didn’t completely destroy our friendship.
Yeah maybe not now, Marcille swallowed. She could wait until she’d figured out the speech, gotten her a gift even, understood if this buzz of looking at Falin’s lips had existed forever or if she was just thinking about it now.
Falin played with her collar, “I’m sorry.”
“Sorry?” Marcille frowned, “What on earth do you have to be sorry for?”
Did Falin know where her missing Foundations of Elemental Biology was? She’d been resigned to buy a new one, but it hardly made sense that she was apologizing now. Half the castle was in bed and the book had been missing for at least a week.
“I, um,” Marcille strode forward and grabbed Falin’s hand as she floundered. Her body froze and Marcille instinctively released.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” Marcille said, feeling the beginnings of a flush on her cheeks.
“No, that’s fine,” Falin closed her eyes and it was so odd (now, after five months of her being resurrected) that Marcille couldn’t help but stare, trying and failing to stop a small smile.
Oh.
She feels herself blushing as Falin wrings her hands in front of her. How did she ever ignore this? How did she think this bordered on anything she felt for Laois or Namaari? She wanted to bury herself in Falin’s chest, wanted Falin to consume her and hold her and keep her safe like she was part of a hoard, and she wanted, oh she wanted. She wanted, no she needed to throw herself at Falin, to be wrapped up, to kiss her.
How could she not know?
“I never wanted to make you feel pressured. Or uncomfortable.”
“Um, okay,” Marcille said, smile dropping, as her eyes squinted in thought, “Falin, I’ve never done anything that I haven’t wanted to.” It wasn’t technically true, but surviving on monster meat had been the smallest price to play to resurrect her friend.
“No, I mean,” Falin opened her eyes and Marcille felt a wave of joy rush through her. Golden brown, the wheat swaying in the wind, and looking at her with a single-minded focus Falin mostly reserved for whatever bug she’d found. Marcille tried to swallow, but her mouth was dry.
Oh fuck.
This wasn’t a new feeling, no, this was as old as their friendship.
“Marcille,” Falin breathed out, “I like you-”
“I like you too.” Marcille rushed out, feeling as if the pounding in her heart had doubled. So it was about this then. “You’re my best friend, no matter what Laois says.”
Falin sighed, “You’re my best friend too, and well, you must have noticed that I’ve been pursuing-”
“Hey,” Marcille cut her off, “We can talk about it again, but you don’t need to worry about me on your travels. I know you’re going East soon.” The hint of annoyance she tried to keep out of her voice at the thought of Falin near Shuro was ever present. Huh, maybe this was why she hated Shuro so much. And maybe she was sounding extra annoyed because she really wasn’t sure she could handle Falin leaving again so soon. She thought Falin was going to be here for at least a month. “I’m fine with that, I want you to be happy, please don’t stop on my account-”
“I like you!” Falin blurted out and then slammed her mouth shut and her cheeks blazed redder than Marcille had ever seen them.
“Okay?”
“I,” Falin gave a strangled breath, “I’ve been pursuing you, romantically.”
She’d been clubbed in the stomach. She couldn’t breathe. A cockatrice had bit her again. “Oh.” Her mind raced a thousand miles a minute, eyes wide as she tried to summon something, air into her lungs, her tongue to move, her hands. That, what!?
“I didn’t know you were aro,” Falin was saying.
If possible, Marcille’s cheeks turned redder than Falin’s.
“So, I’m sorry,” Falin continued, “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”
“Uncomfortable?” Marcille squeaked out.
“Yeah, I mean, I wasn’t trying to pressure you,” Falin said, “With the gifts or the time, or,”
Marcille blinked up at her. Falin had always been one to give her gifts, at school the flowers and nuts and leaves (and a few times bugs) which had usually been met with a baffled joy that was earmarked by Marcille’s busyness. Lately, Falin had been returning from the unearthed dungeons with crystals filled with mana and plants for her to study, and on one occasion, a gorgeous ring (that they’d both checked to make sure it wasn’t cursed).
“Oh, you were, courting me?” Was it really that simple?
Falin winced, “Yes, I’m sorry.”
Her heart pounded so hard she almost missed Falin’s plea. She placed a hand on Falin’s shoulder, “Falin,” She said and used everything in her power to not squeal and throw her body at Falin, “I would have told you if I didn’t like it.”
“Yes, but-”
“And I have a confession of my own.”
Falin blinked and Marcille stared down at her hands. Fuck, Falin had already done the hard part, and still Marcille felt like there was a weight on her shoulders trying to drive her through the floor. Jeez, this was embarrassing.
“I like you too.” Falin blinked and Marcille hastened to continue, “Romantically.”
“What?”
Marcille glanced down at her hand, and bit her lip, “I had no idea you were courting me, but please, don’t stop.”
“But you said you were aromantic?”
“Ah,” Marcille’s cheeks somehow got redder, “Well, I may have misunderstood what that meant. Chilchuck cleared it up for me.”
“Chilchuck?” Falin blinked.
“Anyway, that’s besides the point,” Marcille looked back up and traced her hand up to Falin’s neck, “Falin.” She licked her lips.
She could feel the heavy beat of Falin’s pulse and Falin stared at her, eyes darting down to her lips and then back up again.
“Please,” Marcille breathed out.
Time stopped. It stopped as Falin hovered above her, breath coming out in soft pants that Marcille was matching. They hung, staring at each other, circling like two stars, until they drifted closer and closer and finally! Finally! Time restarted as Falin carefully guided Marcille’s mouth to hers.
A supernova. Oh, let her be consumed!
A fission of something shivered down from Marcille’s mouth and rolled down her spine as her body screamed at a desire she barely realized she’d had. It started soft, a whisper of lips over each other and then Falin stepped forward, hands going to Marcille’s back and embracing her and Marcille let out a little whine.
Falin broke apart and stared at her and Marcille murmured, “Don’t stop.”
Falin bent down again, and Marcille hummed as her lips bit at her own, and she squeezed Falin’s neck, as she tried to, well, she wasn’t sure. She wasn’t thinking. She just needed more, more, needed it everywhere, touching her, devouring her. She needed it, she needed her. Now. Forever.
Falin broke apart, breathing heavily and staring at Marcille. “Wow.”
“Uh huh,” Marcille said, dazed and like there might be stars in her eyes or just her brain.
“I, um,” Falin carefully let out a breath, “I’ve wanted to do that for a long time.”
“How long?”
Falin licked her lips and Marcille stared.
“It’s kinda embarrassing.”
“I don’t care.”
“Since I was fifteen.” Falin breathed out and Marcille leaned back.
“Wait, what? Really?”
Falin ducked her head, “Yeah, you were chattering on about some teacher, and how they were misrepresenting the cycle of mana in the body-”
“Professor Larkin,” Marcille gritted out. She still hated him. Why the fuck was he allowed to be teaching was beyond her.
Falin blinked, “Um, I guess, and you were on my bed gesturing wildly and I remember I just looked at you and all I could think about was how much I wanted you to be there forever. And how I wanted to kiss you.”
“Oh.”
If someone else walked in, they’d certainly think she had a fever with how red she was.
“I, um, I don’t know when, I just kinda put it all together.”
Falin smiled at her.
“But I think I’ve wanted to for a very long time,” She continued, “I’m pretty sure I’ve felt like this for ages.”
Falin kissed her forehead and then looked down at her, “I love you, Marcille Donato.”
Marcille ducked her head into Falin’s chest, feeling a spring of tears in her eyes and mumbled back, “I love you too, Falin Touden.”
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Bill Cipher evil medicine cat au?
I just thought of this and thought it would be really interesting
Sure!
Dumroll please......
WC Bill Cipher is the third (The first is technically Lightwalk and the second is technically Rainsoul, but I hadn't developed the idea enough) cat I will release in relation to the Pantheon! (A group of deities that exist in all the works here, used as influences/monsters if I need them).
The Pantheon is all represented by a different animal! Lightwalk, the crow. Rainsoul, the vulture. WC Bill Cipher, Goldengleam, the coyote. (And his brother is represented by a rabbit, but we won't be getting into that yet.)
Goldengleam takes on a multitude of names, but relies on this one as the name we all know and love (to hate). He, like most of the Pantheon, can shapeshift! He keeps the form of a cat, but does show off his coyote form from time to time.
I imagine Goldengleam is known as a very eccentric member of the Pantheon, being a tad sillier and more kit friendly than his brother (If you can figure it out I'll skip the queue and do his brother before any other requests I'm writing. I'll give you a hint, his brother is the WC version of who is basically him but without Disney to reel in the age rating.)
Since I don't really want to develop much of WC Gravity Falls plot beyond what I've revealed since we only have our main antagonist as of writing this, I'll do a bit about if he preferred medicine to talking to other cats, and then I'll leave you off with a story!
Goldengleam, if he acted as a medicine cat, or a healer for the society of Gravity, he would rely much more on poisons than talking other cats into doing his dirty work (Which I bet he relied on for much of Shooting Stars are just Meteors). Slipping a bit over here, oh no you're sick! How terrible!
And for the story.... (Inspired by parables in the bible)
Once upon a time, when the great beasts roamed the forest, an elk insulted a bear. The bear became angry, and challenged the elk to a fight, killing and eating the elk.
A coyote had something rude to say about this. "Well, that wasn't very polite. You've already eaten for leaf-bare, why take more?"
And the bear went, "Why, the elk was even ruder! He needed to be taught a lesson."
The coyote replied, "I'm quite sure the elk learned his lesson from your stomach." The bear found this offensive, and challenged the coyote to a duel. The coyote agreed to meet at sunhigh the next day, and both of them went to their dens.
The bear went to sleep immediately, but the coyote looked to the stars. "Hello? Stars? Please give me assistance. I am a coyote, I can not beat a bear, but I was right. Give me help, please."
And then the stars answered, with a cat, who said. "Hello, coyote. Go to the den of the bear, and begin piling sticks. If I do not deliver by dawn, you can call me whatever name you wish."
The coyote, not one to disobey an obvious answer from the stars, followed the commands of the cat, wondering why the stars did not send a spirit in the form of another coyote. Time passed, and it was nearly dawn, when the bear would wake up.
Once again, another spirit appeared behind him. It was another coyote, but a bright gold color instead of the light blue of the stars. It smiled, winked, and began to emit a terrifying force.
It was fire. The coyote watched in joy as the bear ran out from the den that was now on fire, only to be met with the coyote he had challenged to a duel.
The bear was furious. "You said we would meet at dawn!"
But the spirit replied first. "In your duel with the elk, you said that it would not be deadly. And then you ate his body. Now, I'm not one for rules, but it does seem that you threw away honor already. And besides, nobody said that the coyote couldn't set fire to your den!"
The bear was left speechless, and never bothered the coyote again.
That's all! If you desire more elaboration or another request, do not hesitate to contact me!
Byeee!
#warrior cats#characters to warrior cats#parables#tw christianity#i know we have a few antitheists in the community so i just want to say if you're reading this#than fuck off#atheists are cool but antitheists called me a jew supporting the nazis#for being lgbt+ and christian#i know Christianity can trigger some people so i added that#BUT THIS DOES NOT MEAN I LIKE ANTITHEISTS IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM#gravity fallss#ssajm#bill cipher#goldengleam#the pantheon
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January 12th, 2024 - Boost
────────────────────────────── Woke up at 11 AM... and then 1 PM I ate something.. I forgot what it was I got a tiny boost of energy ──────────────────────────────
☆.。†:*・゜☆.。†:*・゜☆.。†:*・゜☆
Hey, don't worry, we got better now!
I was scrolling through a girl's instagram feed and I suddenly got the energy to get up and tidy my bedroom a little bit. I listened to Souvlaki while doing it, it was such a vibe.
So, the picture of the night is a photo of my bedside table. It has the Bible, two books, my lamp with the shape of a happy man, a broken amethyst, some random stones, random papers, and my pills for my allergies and period cramps.
... I just wanted to clarify it lol
My desk is tidy now! The problem is that it gets messy just one week later, you'll see. But I'm happy that I finally did something today.
I could tell you why I started this "diary". It was because of THAT girl I talked about. She's brokenlipstickgirl on Instagram, and she's a 'girlblogger'. I saw what she does and her feed and everything, and I thought, "woah, I really want to be like her. Sharing my life, not caring about what people say". I don't want to copy her, but I wish I could be as cool as her. In my own way.
So I started this. After several attempts. The difference is that this is even MORE personal, with entries showing how unstable I can be. But it will get better. I should clone this and move it to Instagram, too. With instant posts and more photos of myself.
So thank you, Broken Lipstick Girl. You're amazing.
I think that little story is enough. Just a bit of lore for the day.
I got quite tired after my little chore. So the song od the night is 'Lazy Calm' by Cocteau Twins. I almost fell asleep while listening to it, it was so relaxing.
Hey, I could listen to more Cocteau Twins now! Good idea.
Anyway, that's pretty much all for today. Rest well! Enjoy the little corner of my room.
☆.。†:*・゜☆.。†:*・゜☆.。†:*・゜☆
#fragile cosmos#fragile posts#i love slowdive#i love sleep#i love music#i love a lot of things#i love loving#or sth like that
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DAY 1 in KOREA
There were many mixed feelings before I departed again to Korea. I never expected the timing will be so tight and closed to the time I hosted them from the bible camp. At the back of my mind of course I did not know why, and still feel tired and not ready, but somehow I trust that God arranged this way for His good own sake. And HE PROVED HE IS ALWAYS RIGHT. After 1 hectic week of PI, 1 hectic week of work & arranging everything, I departed with faith, whatever God want to do, let it be, and WRC 2023 here I go...
Bella went first and she said she's quite busy so she couldn't accompany me for the few first days. I was like, great, how? But Oh Jibsanim contacted me and said she will pick me up at the airport. I was like OMG, of course that was a great idea because I know Eun Jung Eonnie would be so occupied with work since she left for PI. And not only Oh Jibsanim picked me up, she also has arranged a lunch meeting with Kwonsanim and Eun Gu at their apartment and she has planned to cook for me, I was like CRYYYYYY..
Also Hak Man kindly sent me a prior message about my coming and said let's hang out in Korea, which made me feel welcomed and relieved that I would have friends apart from Yoora & Bella. THANK YOU SO MUCH
I was so happy departing from Bali, to Singapore, was so nice to get out of the country. So funny that on the way to the airport I had a nice convo with the driver who went for singing competition for his church and how he shared about his spiritual journery :'') I hope I shared what can strengthen him as well at that time. The queue in the immigration etc was so crazy tho because of many scouts.
But finally I made it to my so called 2nd home Singapore, where the captain & stewardess always impressed me. I ate so many things including Ba Kut Teh that forced me to speak chinese because of their assumption. Bee Cheng Hiang, exp Bacha coffee n kaya toast at term 1 with angpao that was given by Uncle Chan last year, thank you uncle. I had 8 hours layover but I spent in the airport HAHAHA don't even want to go out to jewel so I just rest, but almost late for a change of gates, jauh banget but thankful God nudged me to leave earlier. On the go the indian staffs talked to me in Korean (MUL) with assumption that I'm a korean, pheww so much assumption for a day, but i feel so funny. The turbulance was quite bad that I couldn't sleep but thank you Kuang Han Tsu, I managed to see your handsome face and cure my anxiety HAHAHAHHA.
There were no amount of love I ever gain these past year apart from my Korean church family :''')) from them I realise how important and beautiful it is to be loved unconditionally like this, I learn how I should share the same love they gave, without any prejudice or expectation that they will receive something in return from me.
Anyway after had quite a deep talk with Oh Jibsanim, we're heading to Eun Gu apartment, I'm always amused and still feel like in the drama. We talked a lot, Kwonsanim made me so comfortable and served Galbitang, many delicious banchan, pacheon, delicious drink, peel guail as well. Eun Gu was nice and all smiling, I think he gained much confidence since the camp which makes me SO EXTREMELY happy as well. He was polite and said one day will eat kwonsanim's budae jjigae together with Nuna. I will be back for that Eun Guy-ya!
Then jibsanim dropped me to EunJung Eonnie's office. I couldn't remember much as I was so tired and slept all through in the common room. I just remembered some girls were laughing wkkwkw. After Eunjung Eonnie finished her work, she took me around to our church and parked, took a picture of me and the church building, then JENG JENG we met Hong Jangronim the PD-nim HAHAHA. Oh my I'm so happy to get to know him better. He treated us for a meal at the mulgogi siktang, my favorite resto that I went to last year aswell. He said my hangul is charae Hahaha, and showed our church's video content. Ahhh I remembered even though I was so full (2 bowl of rices at Eun Gu's house) but I couldn't resist the fish, most delish udon and banchan huhuhu I really love hansik, ottokeee yeorobun.
Afterwards we departed and go to Eonnie's apt that I have missed the most. As usual, I stayed at Yui's room. I felt like home, the kids were still away, also Taekyun Oppa. So I went out with Eonnie to walk through the apartment. Twas so nice and cute, it's like Kdrama in the real life. We had a patbingsoo date at Tous Les Jur, the injeolmi and pat are the best omg eonnieee I can't stop eating the big portion. Then we went to baskin robin because Oppa wanted some ice cream.
Afterwards, we're home, the kids were there, we're happilly reunited, nae saranaghaneun chukadeul Yui, Seoyi, Sooyi, I love you so much. I gave the gifts to eonnie, oppa, and the kids and heading to sleep. Taekyun Oppa and Eonnie ensured that I slept well with aircond, lamp and fan. Huhuhu God, may you bless this family as I couldn't be able to repay their kindness. I just cover each of them with Your grace, that the light they spread save other souls as well, and I pray that I could be like them to treat others with loving pure kindness and no prejudice. I love you so much Chung Family from Gimpo <3
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Contracted
My mother is always open about it. How she almost unknowingly binds a contract to the dark side and becomes another version of an evil entity. They recruit by giving you food with spells on it. Her co-worker (let's call her Jina) kept giving her food. She did wonder why her other co-workers didn't eat when Jina brought food to the office. They already knew but didn't know how to tell my mother, I guess. This keeps on going. Then, one time my mom dreamt of being at a long table at a gathering or party with her co-workers, she dreamt of her boss cutting a big piece of meat. She said while pointing at it, "that's mine." In her dream, she ate the meat and suddenly, she woke up feeling a lump in her throat like she had swallowed something. So weird. She just brushed it off. After that, all of the symptoms of someone turning into a "wakwak" came over her. Like being sleepy around 6:00 PM, smelling unexplained weird smells, and dreaming of flying. Apparently, when you become a "wakwak", as ridiculous as it sounds, there would be a bird that will embed itself in a person's stomach and will come out of the person's mouth at nighttime bringing the person's soul, using it to do whatever dark agendas they have. All I know is they prey on dying people and pregnant women. She went to a witch doctor who gave her a little glass bottle with probably an alcoholic beverage and rolled paper with Bible verses. Probably to take a sip once in a while? I'm not sure, but I did see that bottle. She was keeping it. Then, the witch doctor proceeded to tell her the steps to fully recover. She has to talk about it, everyone how she almost became a wakwak. Then, the final sign came up when the same dream she had repeated, but this time, when she was about to eat the meat, it fell. So, my mother almost became a wakwak. Twice Actually. One when we were younger second when she was assigned somewhere for her work. The person whom she rented a room with was apparently trying to get her to become a wakwak. My mom didn't know anything, so she went to a witch doctor again. Not a good idea at that time, but it did work that time. But still, I know it's a bad idea still. So much weird stuff I heard growing up. I believe in them because of all the testimonies and experiences we had growing up. Like when we were younger, I was still the youngest at that time, and our parents were not at home at that time. We were left with two caretakers. I'm not sure how old I was at that time. I know I was younger than four years old. Our house at that time had a little opening above the main door, but not enough for a person to enter. Then suddenly, a bat came into our house flying wildly. I can still remember the fear permeating the room, the two yayas were screaming trying to drive the bat outside, but it remained. I can still remember though, those red piercing eyes staring right through us; it was so obvious that the bat wanted to hurt my siblings and me. The two caretakers were just being quick to protect us. I pray that they are doing well now. But still, the eyes of the bat, I can't believe I still remember that. Those caretakers really did their job well. That strong grip came to my mind now. Of course, there are a bunch of stories like these. I'm blessed for God to open my eyes and let me know the truth. I know who can protect me from all of these. but I'm not treating my salvation with care. I'm stigmatized from entering another organization. I might ruin it, so they say like I'm some sort of a demon. Still, it brings me back to why those people thought that I was the reason that that family left. I have an inkling that they blamed me because a person asked if I hang out with them at their house, but at that time, I was busy and exhausted with my full-time school and being broke with only having a part-time job. I didn't even know how I survived. Good thing my sister let me stay in their house and let me pay for whatever I could. I really thought I could borrow some money from the bank at that time. But I did not, and I'm already enrolled.
Anyway, that family left because one time, I was absent at that time; people were called in front, and one group was asked to pray over the other group, then the woman got embarrassed for the man, so she did not go to the other group, man and ego, so they left. It does not make sense, but I intend it that way. So, it was so clear they did not leave because of me. I was not even there. We barely see each other anymore. Anyway, I'm not a demon. I'm an average person.
Why do people always think other people are always out to get them. People are not like that. People are good, you know. They are just trying their best to the best of their ability at that moment. Where did I hear that?
I will not forget that pastor who was a seer. Before his arrival, I was excited to see him and for him to see me. Why? Because at the back burner of my mind, I want to know if there is something dark in me, like how other people made me feel. Me too, on my own. But on the first service, the room was already full, so I could not make myself visible to him. But in the late afternoon service, it was in another building; I sat right at the center, but not in front because that would be so obvious. Then suddenly, when he was in the middle of his sermon, he saw me. HE SAW ME. It was like God addressing me. Said the words that I wanted clarification on. I am not a dark being. In fact, I am worth it to be. Oh, if I could videotape that moment. I'm sorry Lord I forgot. That was a defining moment for me. I wanted to remind myself of that very exact moment. I am not a demon. I am not possessed by a demon. I am a normal person. With all the labels I've heard that I admit I have become, I remember as of today, how God defined me at that time. I pray that I will not forget that moment ever again in my life moving forward. This is one of the moments where I don't need anything in my life anymore. Cool Cool Cool.
#practicetypingpost
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Was scrolling through an archive of vogue covers and i feel a bit shtewpid. None of the supermodels and actresses look like themselves - plus we all know magazines are all about airbrushing - so why would Timothee's shoot be any different 🤷*exhales slowly* Thus it ever was, thus it ever will be.
#steven meisel#timothée chalamet#no idea why i'm talking like i ate a bible#i did a biblical caption on a post yesterday and i cant seem of shake off that language#i swear to god it better not be me thinking about timmy mentioning god in his interview (and then not talking about it)#he better not be laying the groundwork for Dune2 promo conversations - coz i cd see him doing that - thinking 3 steps ahead as u do#nothing wrong in being well prepared - very capricorn of him - just hope he doesnt lean too into it if its not genuine -it'll trip him#and this is why i didnt want to talk about it - it makes me sound suspicious of him which i'm not#authenticity is important to him - it's like the freaking foundation of his fandom - so yeah why am i rambling in the notes!!???
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hi johanna, thank you so much for this blog and the effort you put into sharing God’s love through answering questions and sharing your wisdom here. your blog has brought me so much comfort and solace and I appreciate it deeply.
cw: emotional dump that may be heavy & you definitely don’t have to read, pls skip if you’re not in the headspace for it /
if you are taking prayer requests at this time, could you please pray for me? i am so terrified of going to h*ll when i die and being cut off from God’s love forever. i have awful social anxiety and don’t go to church because of this, and i am terrified that the fact i’m not in an in-person community of believers and don’t have anyone praying for me just makes it likelier for me to be cast away from His presence. i am also afraid that i’m just trying to justify not going to church with my social anxiety—like, if i truly loved God, wouldn’t i do even the most painful things to prove my love for Him? i feel like the gap between the Christian i desire to be and the person i am is endless and i don’t know how to close it. /end cw
thank you again, so much. i really appreciate you and your blog.
Beloved, you're so welcome and I'm so glad you can find some of what you need here. And thanks for the warning! You are definitely in my prayers. I know it's been a while since you sent this, but I start praying for people when I get the ask, not when I answer it, even though there's often been a gap recently!
A fear of Hell is such a reality for so many people, and it can so affect one's life. There are so many different beliefs about Hell, even among different books of the Bible. I'd encourage you to seek them out—whatever you grew up with/have been taught, and whatever you believe now, they're not the only way. I'm not trying to change what you believe, but if the fruits of a theology are fear and loneliness, it's worth examining what your faith is giving you. I always remember the words of the Sufi mystic poet Rabi'a: "O my Lord, if I worship you from fear of hell, burn me in hell. If I worship you from hope of Paradise, bar me from its gates. But if I worship you for yourself alone, grant me then the beauty of your Face." I am not condemning your fear or actions, but I always encourage people to seek further inspiration for their faith, actions, and love. Of course it's easier said than done, but try to seek out worship for the sake of communion with God, and good actions because they bring love to the world.
Personally, I don't believe God ever cuts anyone off or casts anyone away. But I do believe the opposite—that we cut God off, that we cast Them away. And when I think about a loving God's embrace after death, I can imagine repelling Them, burning in the pure light of goodness. That's Hell to me—receiving love in its truest form, and running.
I heard the term "hopeful universalist" the other day, and really connected with it. I don't know, and I can't know, what will happen when I die. And there is a certain amount of arrogance in thinking we can have any idea. But I know what I hope happens, and I know God will be there, and that has to be enough.
"Hell in Christianity," Wikipedia.
"The Campaign to Eliminate Hell," National Geographic.
"Where Did Our Ideas About Hell Originate?" Sojourners.
"How the Idea of Hell has Shaped the Way We Think," The New Yorker.
"Heaven and Hell in Christian Thought," Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy.
Christianity has a huge emphasis on the interpersonal. Jesus talked with so many, ate with his friends, and commanded us to share what we have. The disciples in Acts lived communally, and throughout Christianity, worshiping, eating, and living together have been integral parts of our religion. Even in more secluded ways of living, very rarely were people completely alone—monasteries and convents, no matter how separated from wider society, are places where people live and pray together.
All that said, you're an example of why not everything can work for every person, and communities and beliefs have to be flexible. Disabilities and differences of experience affect how people worship and live with others. The pandemic is another great example—sometimes we have to change the way we worship because of safety and comfort.
Matthew 18:20 says that where two or three are gathered in God's name, God is in the midst of them. This isn't to say that God isn't there when we pray alone, but that even two or three people create a community of love.
Opinions on whether you have to belong to a church to properly worship usually depend on one's beliefs on the Sacraments—for instance, if you believe only an ordained minister can administer Communion, for instance, then belonging to a church is extremely important. This is something to think about as you balance your beliefs and comfort levels.
Personally, I think that our religion involves loving and living with other people—you can't be a Christian alone. That said, everyone's experience is different—because of where you live, or whether your identity is accepted, or how far you can travel, or if there's a contagious disease going around, or, in your case, whether you can safely and comfortably exist around other people. Our personal situations matter, and belief and practice have to account for differences of ability/experience.
Never forget when people literally tore a hole in a roof to get to Jesus because the building wasn't accessible for a disabled person. Our faith has room for so much, and whatever community you have built/will build, online or in-person, with Christians or people of other/no faith, two or three or hundreds gathered—it is holy.
You are not cast away, and you are not cut off. I have love for you, and I'm sure there are people in your life who do, and more importantly, God does. Love is not a popularity contest—God hears one person's prayer just as much as They do a million. If I'm the only person ever to have prayed for you, God is listening. And even if you really have no one, you have God.
Something I've done a lot of work with my therapist about is this: am I knowing myself or letting myself off the hook? It sounds a lot like what you're going through—is this something that you need to just work a little harder at, or a hard line that you need to work around? I don't have the answer for you, but it is worth investigating with self-compassion. I believe you truly love God, and I also know you're struggling with fear and discomfort that you shouldn't just push through without support and coping skills. Don't jump off the deep end alone—start slow, learn your limits, and treat yourself with grace, just as God does. It might never work for you to be in a space with a lot of people, and that's okay, it's our reality.
Because of COVID, a lot of churches who didn't before have started doing livestreams or recording their services, and this has been great for lots of people who can't attend in-person for various reasons. If there's a church in your area that does that, you could participate that way—and maybe you could also use it as practice, like seeing what the space looks like and how many people usually attend, so if you end up going it will be less unfamiliar? Seeking out a smaller church if possible also might be helpful—no need for megachurches. Oh, and sometimes churches will have smaller study or prayer groups—might be another smaller way to start? And then if you end up attending a service, you'll know a couple people already. Or maybe I'm going the wrong direction—maybe you prefer melting unnoticed into a crowd. Also, if you have any people in your life who would be willing to go with you, Christian or not, that might help too.
However you figure this out, and whether or not you end up attending church, it's obvious that you care about serving God the best way you can, and the fact that you care is itself a sign of good Christian. There will always be a gap between the Christian you want to be and the one you are. There is for me, and there is for every single Christian I can think of. But the fact that you see the gap, that you recognize it, that you've thought about what kind of Christian you want to be, that you want to do better? That in itself is one of the most admirable traits I can think of. If you were a bad person, you wouldn't care, you wouldn't even see the gap. You'll never be perfect, and you may always struggle with anxiety in some form. But you're a person who cares, and that's what God asks of us, hard as it is.
You have nothing to prove. Make the best choices you can. You have time. God knows your inner thoughts, which is usually terrifying and comforting all at once. God can see your love—your job is to give it to the world in honor of Them.
Thank you for choosing me for your emotional dump, and I hope you're in a better headspace than you were when you sent this. Either way, I'm in your corner, and however your faith and relationship with community evolves, God's there with you.
<3 Johanna
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Am I having a panic attack bc I ate too many salt n vinegar chips and now my tummy is upset or is it bc I'm seriously thinking about stepping into a church by myself and on purpose and the idea of having to take church seriously is stressing me out
Like I believe in God and I'm a big fan of Jesus and its not like I have specific religious trauma bc quite frankly I didn't have any specific religious upbringing. And I think that's part of the reason why it's stressing me out
Bc religion is important to me but it's also deeply personal and private to the point I don't think many people know that I am, in fact, religious. I just don't like bragging about it. I hate bragging about it in fact. I carry a little Bible with me a lot of times (along with a portable witch's altar but that's besides the point, mind your business).
But like, my own family doesn't even know that I'm religious probably. My mom and my brother are very much Not Religious (I think my mom has her own trauma that I have not unlocked the backstory on) my brother is just an agnostic Gen Z (tho he has trauma from boy scouts and that was the only time we ever went to church was for boy scout stuff)
Dad is religious and he was always regretful that he never took us to church as kids but I do not regret that. I'm glad he didn't. I have no way of knowing what church he would have taken us to but I'm glad the opportunity for religious trauma never presented itself to me so I can be free to love God and Jesus and all that
But now I'm here, stuck on my own conundrum, needing counciling on a subject and I have no idea how to go about that. Are churches just open whenever like in movies? And you can just go and talk to someone whenever? Bc I work Sundays (lol) so I can't really go to service.
I have a specific church in mind (thanks to some cursory googling) but yeah. Do I just walk in and say, "yo I need to ask you something, but also please don't try to get me to join? I don't want to commit to anything I've just reached my spiritual limit and would like some free counciling please."
Also, a lesser stress is the concept of how am I getting there bc DING dong I am 24 years old and do not drive. I need a ride but I can't ask one from my mom or my brother (because I'd be to embarrassed to ask them to take me to church) and I can't ask my dad (because surprise surprise my main questions are about him) but like, that's what public transportation/lyft/straight up lying to them about where I'm going is for.
Also also why do churches have weird hours? One I was looking at opens at 6pm tomorrow. Is that just a weird Wednesday service??? I don't know?? I wasn't raised in the church!!!
#personal#dont rb#cw lot of church and god talk#like an entire essay of my ramblings#and yes im posting this on my main#mind your business
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Eggies Freak Me Out
You know what I love eating? Meat. I like protein. I like milk... but seriously, what the heck are eggs in all this?
I love eating eggs dude, they can be prepared in like a bazillion ways and they're still awesome. A nice hearty egg in the morning helps me with getting my protein's daily value up, and that I think is great, especially for dietary reasons. But like, what are eggs?
They come out of the butts of birdies, and they're supposed to be like, the shell of their nurturing children, so like, what freak decided to grab a kid and just kinda eat its membrane?
It's kinda like the whole "who on Earth decided it would be a good idea to invent drinking cow's milk" thing, y'know? "Ah yeah I wanna yank those cow tubes." In spite of all this, are eggs even dairy? They have like, calcium, and they're strongly related to feeding/birthing young lil' animals, but I don't often hear much about their connection to dairy. Again, like the Secret Dorito blog, there's prolly a solid reason why, but I wanna throw objective truth out the window again as to present an uneducated Box talking about eggs. They're not dairy because they TOOK AWAY THEIR KIDS. NOBODY LEFT FOR HYPOTHETICAL MILK (not to imply that birds have milk. Birds don't have milk. Birds DON'T have milk. I REALLY HOPE THEY DON'T HAVE MILK).
So I have this one friend who raises these quails right? Cutest things, love 'em. When I asked him if they somehow reproduce, he responded that the eggs they produce can't possibly hatch into new quails, though he has bought fertilised eggs before.
Oh my GOD I have no idea how this works and I'm probably really stupid but like IMAGINE HAVING YOUR NUTS FULLY INTACT BUT THEY JUST KINDA DON'T WORK. What have we done to these poor birds, man...
Humanity has given us the egg. Stolen from birds, put into cartons, and sold at grocery stores. Husks of what could've been...
That egg you ate this morning could've been this fella right here... could have, couldn't it... but they stole it. They STOLE THIS LIL DUDE. And now? We eat the yolky wet slime that their hypothetical mother produced.
Not even, we don't just eat it... no, we SCRAMBLE IT. WE FRY IT. WE FOLD THEIR GUTS AROUND. WE DRINK IT. WE SLATHER THEIR UNBORN GUTS IN TO BOWLS AND THROW THEM INTO PANS. We are mangling these un-beings in the name of the Ancient Dark Chicken gods in the form of a sacrifice of flesh... dear God...
As if we haven't disgraced the Chicken gods enough, we even put our own DNA into these eggs and make disgusting egg creatures. Have you guys seen that? The internet hoax of the Russian dude who injected his man-milk into an egg and kept it warm for a few days, then cracked it and some alien-looking thing came out? I just remember the bit where the homonculus thing spat at him, proceeded by "BLYAT" as the dude smashes the thing with a bible.
Who the hell does that dude? We steal the eggs from the birds, then we INJECT OUR OWN DNA?!
But man I love me some bacon n' eggies though
Here's a thing btw
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Never A Dull Morning
Clare: didn't let boys see her undergarments. Even though she'd starting buying more interesting bras and panties last year, it was for herself not them. Of course Dakota hadn't actually done anything wrong. "It's just private." She explained. "Thank you for understanding." Her cheeks were still pink as she got dressed. Clare wasn't going to explain her weird logic in front of Emi. How she could go without wearing a bra in front of him but wasn't ready for him to see it. Clare was a little shocked after she succesfully beat up Bren. She'd learned how to do that after the whole Fitz threatening her and Eli with a knife incident because it was important to be able to defend herself. Had she gone too far? Bren hadn't actually touched her. Emi was here though and she needed to know it wasn't okay for boys to talk to girls like that even ones who weren't strangers. (Although to Clare, Bren was.) Bren didn't get a free pass. Especially after behaving like that in front of a five year old! He should be ashamed of himself! Besides Clare knew she couldn't hurt Bren badly, she didn't know how to do more than (hopefully) get him to leave her alone from now on. She stepped outside with Kota and slowly breathed in and out trying to calm down. "Is he always like that?" Clare asked. "No problem. I don't want to confuse her. Foreign languages aren't easy for me. I always want to pronounce words exactly how they are written. But in Spanish a J is prounced like an H, in Russian an I is pronounced like an E. So on and so forth. I guess that's why I like French, it's the same alaphabet as English so it's slightly less confusing for me. The difference is the French use diacritics." Clare shrugged. She didn't give up easily and at least she had been right about how to say sushi after all. She felt better by the time they went back inside. Clare smiled at Ash and Emi. "Emi did a good job. He's still down." She knew that wouldn't last much longer so she gladly escaped to the living room with Kota and Emi. Clare sat down on the couch. She bit her lip when Emi asked about purity rings. This was part of the reason why she felt like it was necessary to shut Bren up. Emi didn't need to hear about anything that pretained to sex. Of course she had questions now. Kota was lucky she only asked that one and didn't seem to care that he didn't give her a real answer. Clare winced soon as she heard the name Jenna. Maybe it was a different Jenna? No, soon as Kota got to the part about her trashy short shorts and her purposedly bending over (so everyone could see her buttcrack), Clare knew Dakota was referring to the her former friend. Who stole K.C from her using that exact tactic. He wasn't worth keeping and neither was Jenna's friendship. "I didn't know big mouth already told you all of that before we started hanging out." Clare said softly. "I guess she's still bragging about it. She's been trying to get with every guy since K.C got sick of her. Alli's brother, Sav, turned her down too. She's going to get the baby taken away from her because she won't stay home with him and there's no one else to watch him. I'd feel bad for Jenna but Owen threw my best friend Adam through a glass door for being transgender so...if that's who she wants to be with her baby deserves better." She squeezed Dakota's hand as he confessed to Kelly about his false reputation. Clare knew people might get the wrong idea when they found out she was dating Dakota especially if someone learned about their sleepover(s) but she didn't care. Anyone who mattered wouldn't believe a rumor over the truth. If Jesus Club did to her what they did to her sister, she didn't need to be part of it. However, she hoped they'd changed along with their name. Clare smiled back at him and chuckled because she'd always been able to take care of herself and now she could stand up for herself too. Well, by doing more than slapping boys and making a scene by yelling at them. The other girls at school needed to learn how too instead of relying on Kota to play superman. "I like you just the way you are even if you're reckless. There are some situations you can't get out of alone, she needed a friend." Clare reassurred him after Kelly left. "Just give them the card from now on. Kelly's right. Her dad could've killed you." She shuddered. Clare scooted closer to Dakota when Bren came in. "Do you even realize that was sexual harassment and if you keep doing it, someday a women will press charges against you and you'll go to jail." She said seriously. "You can't grope girls because you like the way we look, just like we can't do it to you. Or each other. Or a guy to another guy." She shook her head. Bren had Genesis all wrong. They were still living with the consequences of Adam and Eve's betrayal. The bible also said that outside of marriage sex was a sin. Even if you didn't believe that, there were other reasons to wait and she didn't plan to do something she'd regret. "Yeah! Let's go after breakfast before it gets too hot. Outside." She frowned. "The only problem is I don't have any exercise clothes here." Clare didn't want to wear her new outfit to the park. She supposed she could make do with what she'd worn over to Kota's in the first place.
Kota: nodded when Clare reassured him after Kelly left and kissed her cheek. "Thank you." he whispered and listened to her chide Bren. He knew that they've been there with him. "Yea, I know. That's why I ask to touch a girl's breasts. They taught me about sexual harassment in school and as long as I don't touch her without permission the most the girl will do is beat the crap out of me. So much easier in Bristol." Bren whined. "Yea, he's got a hard head. He went to Bristol and into a night club where he made a friend. She took a pill, made out with him for about ten minutes, then her boyfriend came and we got a call from the hospital. Bren had to get stitches and had a broken arm. We just sort of gave up after that." he explained to Clare. "The guy had a hard punch, once the girl realized he was beating me up, she called the cops, grabbed him and ran. I'm friends with her on facebook, she asked when I'm going back to Bristol." Bren explained to Clare. "And didn't her boyfriend threaten to kill you if you ever touched her a fourth time since you had to go find her after you go out of the hospital?" Kota asked looking at him. "Yea, but that's just a threat." Bren stated and Kota rolled his eyes. "I wish I could just beat the shit out of you right now, but it'll be futile. I only continued to help because I thought you were done with that girl and could actually change. She's fucking strung out on drugs. That night you were in the hospital she was too, an hour later she tried to kill herself because of the drugs she took. Does that really mean nothing to you, do you not see how much she's calling for help?" Kota asked. "So what she just needs to stop taking whatever drug made her want to die. If she were mine and came to me every night I'd be the happiest man alive regardless if she's strung out or not. They can help the suicide thing." Bren shrugged and Kota got up seeing the headphones still on Emi. "Bren, sex isn't worth your life nor is a girl. Who cares if she got strung out and made out with you, she's fuck-" "I don't care." Bren yelled back and Kota felt a hand on his shoulder to see his mom. "From the first time I held you, I knew you'd be trouble. You acted out more than any of your brothers and never wanted to stay. You were always trying to leave to go wherever, soon that changed and you started going after girls not caring about anyone, but you. I had these papers printed out and money put aside. They're emancipation papers, if you really want this I won't stop you anymore." She said holding his suitcase in hand and he took the papers. "I know you don't care what happens to you, but we do. I think you may need this, to go on your own for a bit and come home to us. Maybe this will help you be a better man." she said as she signed the papers after him and handed him his suitcase and passport. "There's money in there with an address book to friends I've made and keep in touch with in various countries." she said. "And I can be with Iona?" he asked curiously. "This was only an act to be with her?" Kota asked. "Well yea." Bren answered. "If that's what you want." His mom said and Bren took his things and left. "He never unpacked his things. I knew he didn't want to stay." his mom explained and he sat back down. "Maybe this will open his eyes." Kota breathed and laid his head on Clare's shoulder. After she mentioned going to the park after breakfast, he watched as Kelly bought out a plate of pancakes while Dallas carried the plates, Stacy carried sets of silverware wrapped in napkins and Ash and Dom carried sides. Without a word, Kota went to the kitchen and grabbed bottles of juice for everyone, then sat next to Clare and Emi. "Kelly, do you still have those yoga shorts that were too small?" he asked looking at her. "Yea." she answered. "I need them for Clare." He said honestly. "They're in the same place in my room. Also you're on wash duty later after Dallas does the basics. I have Victoria's Secret lingerie that needs to be washed and you're the only one who doesn't shrink them besides Stacy and she has to go home. I also have work." Kelly said and he nodded. "Ok, Stacy do you need your Victoria's Secret lingerie washed?" he asked looking at her. "Yea. Dallas will get them for you when you're ready to do the laundry. Dallas cut some of the tags off mine so that should help a bit. My bras and other items have tags." Stacy explained and he nodded as he ate. "Dom is helping me separate the Victoria's Secret from everything." Dallas stated. "Ash and I will do the dishes then." Stacy stated honestly. "Ok, that leaves Kota and Clare to the floors after dinner." Kelly said. "I wanna help." Emi stated. "We just pick up big items and leave the rest to the roomba." he informed Clare as he continued to eat. After breakfast was done, Kota went and got the shorts for Clare and one of his shirts too. "I'll go change in Dom's bathroom." he smiled at her as he handed her the clothing and kissed her chastely before going to change.
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Hi Johanna! :) I'm currently (and have been on and off for a few months) struggling with my view of Jesus' divinity. I have Christian friends who think Jesus = God and friends who think He was just a normal human like us and that's it,, and somehow i feel as if I'm somewhere in between rn? Learning that titles such as "the son of God" were used for normal human leaders at that time really threw me, and also that Jews now and I guess in Jesus' time think the Messiah will just be a normal human, and the "I am" statements in John's gospel were probably not actually said by Jesus but were written by John to kind of describe Him but also John said Jesus was "the word made flesh" not "God made flesh" and like what even is the word exactly??? now I'm thinking there's really nowhere in the new testament that claims that Jesus is God, but then there are things like Collosians 1:15-17 which sounds like it's suggesting it but doesn't explicitly say that Jesus is God...?? So essentially I'm just v confused and was wondering what your beliefs about it all are and why you believe what you believe?? and just really any information or resources you have on the topic would be v much appreciated, thank you so much (also I love your blog!) :))
Hello! This is such a wonderful question that I don't know a ton about, but I love thinking about it and I hope I say/find something that's helpful to you!
I grew up and still identify as Lutheran, so that theology is what I'm familiar with and am influenced by. I and my Lutheran siblings, as well as many other Christians, believe that Jesus was/is fully God and fully Man. Your phrase that you're "somewhere in between right now" makes so much sense to me, although for me it's not so much in between as both! Jesus on earth was born physically, had a human body and genes, ate, laughed, pooped, and died. I believe that, simultaneously, Jesus was God, fully divine. I don't have the words or the knowledge to spout perfect Trinitarian teachings right now (and probably never will), but my favorite description/representation of the Trinity is that God is love, and love is an interpersonal action. So love made manifest cannot be a sole being: God as Lover, Jesus as Beloved, the Holy Spirit as Love. That's only one way to look at it, but even looking a tiny bit into this kind of Trinity theology, you'll learn that we see Father, Son, and Holy Spirit as three representations of the same God, three in one. This is batshit crazy to many people, including many Christians, and I acknowledge and respect that! It is crazy! Anyway, all that to say that I do believe Jesus is a manifestation of God, but that God took human form and saw through our eyes.
A thought about Martin Luther's opinion: "Luther repeatedly argues that the basis for attributing divinity to Jesus is that the person of faith understands that Jesus Christ has done for humanity what only God can do" ("Martin Luther: A Pure Doctrine of Faith" by Micharl Stoltzfus, Journal of Lutheran Ethics, 2003).
Whether you think anything Jesus said was Him verbally claiming to be God, He, over and over, places himself in the role of God, forgiving people, healing people, and making promises/interpretations for them. I realized this while watching Jesus Christ Superstar (yeah, sue me)— whether or not you believe Jesus is God, Jesus obviously thought so, or at least thought himself at the same level as God. C. S. Lewis has a great point about this in Mere Christianity.
I think your statement that something was ". . . not actually said by Jesus but [was] written by John to . . . describe Him" is a good point about how we look at the Bible— if one believes that every word in the Bible comes directly from God, then that is God describing Themself as Jesus, so Jesus saying something and God dictating it to John would be the same thing! This isn't a criticism, I was just pointing out that what you believe about the Bible will definitely affect how you look at this— just something to think about! I'm not a Biblical literalist (or whatever you want to call it) by any means, but I do lean towards divine inspiration and the Spirit having a hand in the writing of the Bible, as well as acknowledging that the human writers' personal perspective and prejudices shine through.
Your question "What is "the Word" exactly?" is a great one! John uses the Greek word logos in John 1, ("word," "discourse," or "reason") as a title for Jesus, and it's absolutely beautiful. In the Bible, "the Word" is used to describe something that God has decreed, something that God has said when addressing humans, words that God spoke through the prophets, God's written Word (the Bible), and Jesus Christ Himself. Jesus is referred to as the Word in John 1 and Revelation 19. Jesus is these things! He's something God decreed, He is God addressing humans, He has spoken through the prophets— Jesus is the physical manifestation of God's Word.
Oh, one more thing! It's so interesting to talk about what the early Church believed, but I think it's funny when people use it as a "gotcha" when the early Church didn't believe something, and other people do. Like, was the early Church perfect and right all the time? Why can't the disciples and early saints get something wrong that later people got right? So obviously it's important to learn about early Christian theology, but it's not some pure teaching that we have to get back to— it's proof that we're constantly evolving!
Here are some sources/resources/thoughts on stuff I've talked about!
What are the strongest biblical arguments for the divinity of Christ? (Got Questions)
Was the divinity of Jesus a Late Invention of the Council of Nicea? (Canon Fodder)
The Divinity of Jesus: An Early Christian Debate (Cynthia Stewart, Saint Mary's Press)
The Divinity of Jesus & 5 Reasons it Matters (David Guzik, Calvary Chapel)
What the Early Church Believed: The Divinity of Christ (Catholic.com)
What Does the Phrase "the Word of God" Mean? (Don Stewart, Blue Letter Bible)
Logos (Christianity) (Wikipedia)
Scholastic Lutheran Christology (Wikipedia)
A Lutheran-Orthodox Common Statement on Faith in the Holy Trinity
Who is God—The Trinity? (Holy Cross Lutheran Church)
The mystery of the Trinity (Delmer Chilton, Living Lutheran)
The Moody Handbook of Messianic Prophecy: Studies and Expositions of the Messiah in the Old Testament by Michael Rydelnik & Edwni Blum
Christology: A Biblical, Historical, and Systematic Study of Jesus Christ by Gerald O'Collins
Is Jesus Truly God?: How the Bible Teaches the Divinity of Christ by Gregory R. Lanier
I'm not sure that I actually answered any questions— I may have just created more, but that is the nature of theology, I'm afraid. Good luck in your learning and thinking, and may you come to your own idea of how to think about and relate to Jesus— there isn't one right way, don't worry. I'm not even claiming that I or my denomination's beliefs are "right," although I do think they're true. (I like differentiating those.)
Thank you so much for your support of my blog, and I hope you have a lovely day/night!
<3 Johanna
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