#no longer in Horrible Pain
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Y’all ever think about if Sora falls to darkness that inside his heart will look like the Destiny Islands falling again
#i do a lot#kingdom hearts#one of the biggest reasons i think we’ll see something like this in canon. briefly at least#not only would parallel ddd w ven’s heart/armor no longer there to protect sora#and roxas and xion gone from sora’s heart too. so sora would be alone#and actually there as opposed to in the RoL/awake when riku dives in#but also there is no way nomura’s gonna pass up the chance to bring us full circle like this. he loves making his characters revisit/relive#worlds and memories like this to make a point. and sora’s heart was sunset in ddd… following kh1 the dark and stormy night comes next#The thought of sora and riku reaffirming their love and friendship here when it broke the first time the islands fell#both of them having to in a way relive this horrible night for the final time#but riku doing the total opposite of last time. trying to save sora trying to stop the darkness from consuming everything#being totally honest with sora. reaching his hand out for sora but this time he’s not being consumed by darkness.#he’s become the light in the darkness. and they finally reach each other they finally grasp hands. I’m chewing on glass#i don’t think sora would ‘fall’ to darkness in the traditional sense#thematically i think it makes more sense for him to be faced w another martyr choice#though his own negative feelings would still be tangled up in there. and this would parallel kh3#and if sora chooses to let darkness into his heart to save others it’d also parallel kh1 w riku choosing to open the door/let the darkness#into destiny islands at the risk of others#god it’d be just like kh1 but we’d be playing as riku and he’d be the one looking frantically for sora#a reversed dynamic. but now they understand each other’s pain and feelings so they can reach each other#figuratively and literally#i love parallels i love symbolism i love themes kick my ass !!!!
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❤️💔
#i knew the pic felt familiar#the difference is so hearbreaking#not only in looks#but also in context#the published the first pic in 2021 ... sending wishes for 2022 ...#no one expecting the hell that would start only two months later#the biggest difference is in ze 😢😢😢#his face was so full with happiness and a glimmer in his eyes and peace#and now his eyes have hardened so much#the glimmer no longer is there#as well as the innocence and the happiness#his eyes are now so tired and hurt and full of pain#he has seen the most horrible things and still endures#for his country and his people#olena always by his side with her love#protecting him loving him and strenghtening him#behind him but at his side#and if you wouldnt know it you would think there is an at least 10 years difference between these two pics#when its only two years#i wish him and them that they get that peace and happiness back and they can heal#hopefully next year
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my depression is getting really really bad. like it’s been bad before but this is like… consistently really bad. like a long unending stretch for several weeks (and tbh months) now. to the point where no inoculation actually sticks (and im isolating myself from most of my inoculations anyway and feel unable to stop doing it even though i know it’s self destructive). im either helplessly unbearably miserable or numbing out on video games. i just don’t feel like it’s going to get better for me and i KNOW that is factually untrue but the feeling is louder than the knowledge and it’s just utterly immobilizing. ive been sinking in quicksand for 2 years.
#purrs#longer than that too ofc but i think ever since i moved to campus in 2021 and shit started hitting the fan my life just started snowballing#and picked up speed majorly when i moved back home and ive been stuck in this horrible limbo ever since. like im scaring myself with how#deeply profoundly unhappy and unwell i am. i am just detached and scattered and bewildered by everything. and the only way to break free is#to fight it but i don’t even have the strength. like in order to fight it i have to have the strength and it s exactly the thing that is#being stolen from me. and i work really really hard to suppress it when im around people so no one can tell but on the inside im being eaten#alive and every day that goes on the pain gets harder to bear except im numb most of the time so i can’t tell except for when i can#one of the things that makes me saddest is ive pushed everyone away either by ghosting them or scaring them. when what i want and need the#most is love and comfort. but then when i get it it isn’t enough. idk. im not explaining it well i just feel like. horrible. unbearably#i think i need to go on meds like i truly cannot go on like this not even in a s*i cidal way it’s like i just can’t take living like this#delete later#i know im causing the people who love me pain by being unable to accept that they do love me and that’s the worst fucking part. is hurting#people by being like this. scaring people by being like this. and being so disconnected from myself#and feeling completely and utterly beyond help like nothing ive tried has fixed it but also there are a lot of things i haven’t tried but i#feel so terrible or my freedom is limited so i can’t. idk.#also the crushing knowledge / sense that i have lost the most precious important years of my life both bc of the lockdown and bc of mental#illness lol. except that’s not true bc of all the stuff abt how your best years are always ahead of you and you can make them. but it doesnt#feel like it for me and then i beat myself up bc my job is literally to exude that belief and help other ppl feel it and i increasingly cant#i remember in high school having the thought that one day i could be depressed and being conscious that i wasn’t and now i look back on that#and am like… how. and will i ever not be. i don’t think so. it just feels unending
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Things I used to hate and/or fear: driving at high speeds, working out esp lifting
Things currently keeping me sane: scream-singing alone in the car on the highway going fast, strenuous physical activity until every single piece of my body hurts and I'm too physically exhausted for my brain to overthink
#MAYHAPS. I AM BEGINNING TO UNDERSTAND THE APPEAL. OF CAR GO FAST#once again ronan lynch was right.#i hate hate hate hate city driving#but the highway was empty today and it was glorious?#and sometimes u gotta speed just a lil and scream#and then!!! did i overdo it at the gym#since it was my first time back in like 1.5months bc injury flare up and sadness#u bet i did! but my brain has stopped screaming for the first time all week :)#and im no longer convinced im a monster and deserve to be put down :)#so yeah ill pay for it with physical pain thats fine. it's easier to bear#AND im gonna redo my nails#have to have insane bright nails and lipstick#but be v buff. gnc wardrobe. square body. short hair. round face.#i am to confuse others and please myself. aesthetically at least#still refusing to eat but my brain has refused food all week#its a major signal that brain is bad! and so ive been forcing myself to eat safe boring food#its horrible and disgusting but yknow. gotta keep the stupid flesh sack going#ANYWAY i am morphing into a frat boy a littke. but like slightly to the left. video games and booze and fast car and gym gym gym
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usually youre up in a minute for me but the consciousnesses overlapping going out of dream and in dream while youre trying to move your hand a little to get up and wake up is so trippy
#one time it lasted a little longer tho and that was painful#it's the way if you were to have a horrible time sitting inthis bed no ody woild even know unless they came in
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shout out to the male nurse at the emergency room who got really offended/concerned on my behalf that another nurse ordered a pregnancy test for me. sir i dont remember your name but youre a real one
#it didnt actually upset me at all but he broke the news like it was something horrible#and after i consented to the test he was like ''you know you can refuse any testvat any time right 🥺''#the nurses had to check my chest and stuff multiple times and thats literally the only time any of them commented on me being trans#oh right. dw im fine#i went for ear pain but ended up fainting so they wanted me to stay longer while they monitored me/ran tests#everything came back clear tho
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#regulus black is a sexy badass and i love him#regulus black#whttyyl rants#whttyyl spoilers#jegulus fic#may dumbledore die a horrible painful death#also i wouldve added this to the longer post but i couldn't add the poll for some reason so :p#my polls
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i’m what the kids call don’t feel too good…
#i was in horrible pain this morning honestly feels like i just keep getting worse and i know i take longer to heal but i hope i don’t have a#an infection like i did when i got my wisdom teeth out#rey actually speaks
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todays dragon cookie is: leans on expensive car (also i'm back, sorta!)
#heyyyy um im single haha#also i got this costume first try i will never stop bragging#by the power of lesbian week and autism month#hehe#i was sick for two weeks. and i know i was gone longer but i've been dealin with sick fatigue#horrible chest infection and i injured my back from coughing so hard#the tism makes my pain tolerance low so i couldn't get outta bed without crying lol#dailydragoncookies#cookie run#lotus dragon cookie#dragon cookie
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I still can’t really believe it I’m 3 days post op and it hasn’t really settled in. Like I’ve wanted this since I was 14 and I’m 21 now. And it happened ⁉️
#I’m recovering well I don’t feel any pain or tightness I just want to get out of this horrible post op binder#it’s uncomfortable and itchy but aside from that no complaints. my post appointment is on Thursday when I can finally see my chest and#they’ll let me know how much longer I have to wear it
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i’m panicking about my health, my car, school, my future, my relationships with ppl, about my entire life rn p much
#bumbles (bee mumbles)#as much as i hated my dad i did feel a certain amount of security when i could rely on him for the few things i could#he was like a car necromancer#it would function but just kinda barely zombie like vers#and now that he’s passed almost all at once all the cars and things he’s fixed up are breaking#like he infused his soul into them and they no longer has his ecto goop to hold it together#i’ve been ignoring my health problems bc i really hate going to the dr#idk maybe it’s bc i’m fat but they always dismiss my problems and i really am not mentally strong enough to advocate for myself#i tell them i’m in pain and something is wrong and they do maybe two tests and say we can’t find anything bye#and so i just feel like an idiot for going#bc obviously i’m just making a big deal out of nothing#i don’t want to be doing school this semester after last semester i ended up in urgent care twice bc my stress got to my body so hard#i’m taking less classes/more classes i’m actually interested in#but i feel like i’m gonna fall apart horribly again and i just transferred and feel so aimless#but i also feel extremely obligated to go bc that was the last thing my dad wanted from me before he passed#i feel so fucking stupid his death has effected me so bad he was an abusive monster#i feel so disconnected from my sisters that i was super close with#i fee like i’m talking to a wall of past interactions and neither of us can see who we currently are#i feel like i can’t connect to the ppl around me#i’ve been disassociating too often i accidentally keep checking out which is pissing ppl off#i’m so tired and fatigued and depressed that ppl can’t really rely on my and i fee useless and like a drain#plus i just feel so scared all the time recently like all the worst case scenarios are plaguing me#like scared my car is going to explode or my cat is going to have a heart attack or ppl died while traveling or some freak accident
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im so crushed rn because ?!??!? the obscure utena sega saturn game had new anime cutscenes, right? BUT THE ORIGINAL RESOLUTION WAS 240X168!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IN .CAK SEGA VIDEO CINEPAK. before converting to a common file type so it can be uploaded to youtube or even any upscale attempt. but there is no upscaling with something like that. the detail literally just ISN’T there. without the uncompressed animation from the devs, it will never look good. even in-game, the cutscenes you do see have an overlay, so they’re literally smaller than the native resolution of the saturn, and THEN, not even every cutscene can play in game!!! i’m pretty sure the losing duel cutscenes went unused, since in game if the duels are lost you get immediate game over without a cutscene or anything. it’s so fucked. i think the only way you’d be able to “upscale” the cutscenes is if you’d manually redraw every frame by hand (which btw, how the FUCK would you do that???) which would take FOREVER even if they recycled as much animation as they possibly could.
how do you blow that up without it exploding
#because the original has sooooooo much noise if you tried to redraw the frames one by one youd have to take so many artistic liberties....#also im gonna be honest i think the blurry loss of detail of low res upscaling looks gross as hell esp in video#in still images it can be more passable but in video no man it looks horrible#with low res at least your brain can fill in the blanks but the blurry blend of like; waifu or video2x looks soooooooooooooooooooooo URGH#and it fucking SUCKS because these cutscenes and other old game cutscenes DESERVE to look good#to be preserved most importantly!#like months and months ago i uploaded the sega saturn game cutscenes to youtube and to avoid youtube blowing it up to hell i had to make it#a tiny box in the middle of a still image#and it looks terrible but it would look 10000000x worse with an upscale attempt#240x168 literally kill yourself sega saturn#you could probably use the anime as reference for the background colors i guess or fight effects but wtf man that would take 5 years#its literally not worth it#i love love love utena and these cutscenes are so cool but ITS NOT WORTH IT#the worst part is that im sure the uncompressed animation no longer exists since its been almost 2 decades#.txt#ironically tumblr decided to make that image larger in the post preview anyway -_-#and even trying to get the viewable cutscenes in game is a fucking insane pain in the ass ITS NOT WORTH IT EITHER
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I hurt so so bad and the fear of the diagnosis I will get....
#idk what theyre gonna tell me but the top 3 options in my brain are the top worst#i just...at this point i just want to feel like a functioning human again.#but legit the thing it probably is.. there is no easy solution#ive watched my dads body eat itself alive. attacking him from the inside out spending days in excrutiating pain...#and that im probably on my way to that life too... u.u i think he was about this age when he was diagnosed#tho i know a friend and theirs doesnt seem as horrible...their medication actually seems to work for them? idk#idk and even worst is that theres no instant answer and fix#if any of the 3 things i think it is is true...then it starts a longer process of figuring out a treatment...treatment that#itself is harmful.#i need a nap. i need sleep. if i dont then ill continue to feel the pain and cry.#but im stuck sitting here...pretending like im okay. pretending like im working.
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Me: I want specific instructions on how an adult in my country can get an official autism diagnosis
Google: here's 30 articles on the definition of autism and 30 more by parents complaining about having to raise autistic children
#the last time I spoke to a gp (a horribly dismissive woman who more or less laughed at my chronic pain issues) about being autistic#she referred me to a private organisation that said they'd charge 2 grand for the service#that organisation no longer offers diagnostic services so I tried to look for others#and I can't find a damn thing#''but why is everyone self diagnosing these days'' because professional diagnosis is utterly inaccessible!#best case scenario I find somewhere that will and I'll still be waiting a year or more!#guess I'll just stick with my 204 score on the RAADS R test
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I’m in so much pain it’s honestly been hard to function at all these past few days but the people in my life can only hear that so many times before they’re tired of me so I’m shouting it into the void
#my legs hurt so much I’m limping everywhere#my arms hurt so much I can’t use my phone without a wrist rest#my back hurts so much that changing my position in bed or on the couch is a long and horrible process#I talked to my friend of 6 years yesterday and she said to me ‘I met someone whos in pain all the time’#and I was like ‘haha is it me?’ and she said no that it was some guy from a class she’s taking#and he’s in pain all the time#and she asked if it was like that for me#and I love this friend of mine so much so dammit if that didn’t hurt#it’s a punch in the gut to realize that nobody really understands#I’ve been telling her about my pain for years pretty much since it started#and this whole time she hasn’t understood#so I explained that I’m in pain all of the time 24/7 and she just said ‘oh’#chronic illness and disability is already so fucking isolating#and it’s really hard to have moments like that where I realize I’m completely alone in this#the only one who can really understand what I’m feeling is me#wah wah pity party etc etc#sorry#I’ll delete later I just needed to put this somewhere so it was no longer in my head
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head hurty
#not any more like that but last night#love having a pain condition triggered partly by anxiety but also it caused the anxiety to be constant in the first place#i dont get chronic migraines bc i dont get them often enough its usually like 1 every 2 months nowadays but sometimes it can be 4 in a week#bc having one makes it more likely i have a another soon after#but i sure as fuck have acute migraines#i remember being in school and classmates being like oh i have a migraine going off to take their meds and then coming back to class?!#whereas as soon as i had an aura id go to the office and be like can you call my mum she needs to take me home#and i thought i was just being weak and i should just push through it#but you can't push through acute pain nausea vomiting and disorientation#there are literally parts of my brain or thoughts i can't access during one ill be trying to think of a word and i can't find it#they usually only last like 2-3 hours but it feels like a lot longer when you're sitting in the dark can't even lie down feeling like hell#and ik some peoples go on for days some people have them more days than they dont ik im lucky to have such short and fairly infrequent ones#but its still beyond horrible and feeling like a ticking time bomb constantly watching out for an aura#and worrying about going somewhere you can't easily get home from#and I've only just started to be able to talk about it i could never understand how other people could talk about theirs flippantly#when mine terrified me more than anything the amount of bad feelings#but she's working on it having realised after 8 years that it doesn't have to be like that 🤣#mine#n e way sorry for the rsnt all good now chillin in bed ✌🤣
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