#no reason for me to be anxious rn i just kinda dont like myself right now

[peri]

going back and forth between so anxious im nauseous to fine and chilling every 2 minutes

[anatrik]

First thoughts TTPD:

What a lana x folklore girlie win this issss!

1.Fortnight is about matty?? HAHAHAHA also why did this make me think of when holt was going running with the ladies when he was in witness protection??? Crying. Fav line has to be they were supposed to take me away but they forgot to come and get me. So sad but also so cool in relation to her cancellation/return. 10/10

2. TTPD- not so hahahaha anymore IS THIS ACTUALLY A FUCKING MATTY HEALY ALBUM??? There was a typewriter at the 1975 show she performed anti-hero at? Unless its somehow about harry? Who else is tattooed on her roster??? Or is this about herself? Kinda feel like modern idiots/who’s going to decode is directed at us lol😂 9/10?

3.My boy only breaks his favourite toys- went in expecting mad woman rage. Pleasantly surprised. king of my heart to queen of sandcastles he destroys….DESTROYED ME. Are you fucking kidding me rn? Im caling it. Best song. Im crying at 7.30 am this is not funny anymore. Also THANK YOU FOR NOT SLANDERING DAD. I knew you wouldnt let us down like that. Also the chorus sounds like long story short😭 oh this is so sad. Once i fix me hes going to miss me? He was my best friend?😭 he runs because he loves me? Stopp😭😭 1000000/10

4.Down bad- ….aaaand we’re back to MATTY AGAIN? He does not deserve this spotlight but why are all the song so goood😭😭😭 is this why artists love to date problematic men? It unlocks some extraordinary potential? Crazy crazy girl😭 also stay down (bad) 🤌🏾 shes done it again 10/10 also for personal reasons i will be believing this is about joe in that Tom/Joe/met gala overlap period when she was photographed going to the gym a lot and that this is about all that yearning please let it be about that plesplesplesplesplesples also down bad waking up in blood staring at the sky…like i lost a twin is giving bigger than the whole sky🥺

5. So long, london- so so long long, lon-don DONE? ok miss girl😭 the hoax parallels😭 dont be undoing the song i was going to play at my weddddding what is wrong with you😭 my only one my smoking gun to two graves one gun youll find someone??? Also reminds me of la la land :/ how much sad did you think I had in me? You wrote hoax so a lot ok leave us alone. crying again. 10000000000000000/10 oh lol its a track 5 ofc it is😂

6. But daddy I love him- she really said if you ever liked, shared or even LOOKED at the ‘vivaa las vegas’ memes you cant come to the wedding and shes so real for it. Lfgggg. Ubothered unhinged uhmazing. Growing up precocious sometimes means you still hold on to that princess/quarterback wattpad fantasy AS IS YOUR RIGHT QUEEN GO THE FUCK OFF🥳 100000/10 calling out toxic fandom for the first time and we love to see it🫡 this is suchhhh a happy songggg you deserve ALL the chaos and revelry.

7. Fresh out the slammer- god she gets it. Like sure he was great and he is still my biological father and everything but as a decidedly melancholy person myself who has constantly had atleast one close friend in a deep depression I can see how all that heavy lifting can just get heavy at some point especially when youre a partner and their sole lighthouse in wtv storms be out there buffeting their mental health. Its not for everyone and thats so fair and so valid but so sad as well. 10/10 for the honesty.

8. Florida- she really said girlrot summer🫡 this is the lanaest song ever. So lucky one/nothing new coded. This will be the First song I repeat and then so long london. Aaaghhh how i love a self aware melancholic anxious little superstar. 90283749292/10 thank you for giving florence an entire verse whew. Little did you know your home’s really only a town you’re just a guest in is soooo going on my body forever

9. Guilty as sin?- honestly just fuck if it means we dont have to hear about how desirable ratty healy is man ffs. IThe only reason he looks so hot is bc hes forbidden. You have to trust me on this. He’s sooo mid JESUS. U cant be writing hozier lyrics about a man that hasn’t met a shower😭 1000000/10 writing. -16392992/10 content. Unrequited love/lust truly is the greatest weapon in a poets arsenal bc where is this energy in the joe songs binch?😭 this is such a teen in love with a 26 yo creep who called me so mature for my age mom you just dont get ittt anthem😂😂

10. Who’s afraid of little old me?- is a warning 😂 im so here for it. Like yes I still hate matty with all my heart and soul but yes I agree fans should not be allowed so much of an opinion on another persons life and yes I should be afraid (I am). She said aight love letter era over I AM WRITING YOU ALL HATE MAIL AND I’M HAND DELIVERING IT. Shes sooo done pretending to be the relatable girl next door when she’s anything but and is now reminding us of it and yes yes yessss girl OWN ITTTTTTTT. I’ve been saying for agesssss that there is a darkness under all that sunshine from where she clawed her way to the top and this is sooo vindicating. 10000000000000/10 favourite song ever. Mad woman wishes she was who’s afraid of little old me. I am unwell. I am in love. This is the Taylor Swift i stan. The marketing genius the calculating business woman the puppet master with narcotics in her songs thats why we sing along🫡 she so can handle a dangerous man

11. I can fix him (no really I can)- you cant.

12. loml- ofc. OFC. Its the saddest song of all time. OFC. Fuck offf ughhhh. 😭😭😭😭😭 its giving happiness. Its giving divorce. i am a child of a broken home now and my parents still love each other and hold so much regret still. What do i do with thissss? Im just a little girl taylorrr! 1002380292011010101/10 soo so gooood.

13. I can do it with a broken heart- first of all track 13. Love it. Second of all the upbeat barbieness of it all. Third of all I FINALLY PLACED IT. Shes in her unrelatable era. She is not your girl next door. You will never understand her life. She is as much a phenomenon as a person and we literally only see as much as she allows us to and honestly if i have to get put in my place theres noooo better way to have it done. Im having such a great time actually. 10 BILLION TRILLION OUT OF 10 you tellll em girl you FUCKING TELL EM.

14. Smallest man who ever lived- not going to speculate on who it is bc they clearly had a serious problem and its not a joke but damn :/ thats so sad :/ hope they get help? Didnt expect this to be what the song was about at all?

15. The alchemy- she said TRAVIS IS MY BOY WITH HER WHOLE CHEST😌 10/10

16. Clara bow- did she just name drop herself ? I was so right about unrelatable era. Also the Subtle nod to olivia/sabrina noted and appreciated. Lucky one/castles crumbling (mature version) fr fr. Solid legacy song.

17. The black dog- shared your secrets with and location is the same whiplash as a red rose grew up out of ice frozen ground with no one around to tweet it🤌🏾 joe songs hit so so different 😭😭😭 1000000000/10

18. imgonnagetyouback- the valiant roar was not so valiant and more of a mew i guess. 7/10

19. The albatross- oh this is the ONE. The album defining song for sureeee. Mad woman on coke. A rose by any other name is a scandal???? Thats my religion right there. Little last great American dynasty twist there at the end! Fuck yea. She does reallly try to warn the men in her life have to give her that. One gazillion/10

20. Clearly god has favourites and they are the ppl called chloe or sam or sophia or marcus😭 ALSO this song is about joe for sure. The internet starlet hasss to be delaney rowe!!!! It HAS TO BE. 10/10

21. How did it end?- shes back for the fans😂 plot twist the breakup is with yall🤌🏾 but yesss say it louder! One gasp and then how did it end. So good. 100/10

22. So high school- lmao aristotle grand theft auto ONLYY taylor swift man😭😂 you know what you want and boy you got her🫡🫡 11/10

23. I hate it here- mother’s having a mental breakdown kids yk the drill🤌🏾 10/10

24. ThanK you aIMiee- what better way to say fuck you to a hater than to thank her for jumpstarting your legacy my god!!! She is insane for this. The capitalisation is a bit petty tho ngl. 8/10

25. I look in peoples windows- once again I thank you for the kindness and respect shown to joe. Never doubted you but thank you nevertheless. 10/10 short as nice to have a friend but it didnt need to be longer.

26. The prophecy- its so sad and humbling to see even a woman at where she is having to beg for love bc that literally is the nature of love. Something humiliating, to have to beg for 🤷‍♀️ cards playing out like fools in a fable cursed like eve got bitten. No one writes like her damn. 10/10

27. Cassandra- very madeline miller on this one. Love love loveee modern takes on tragic greek women. 100/10

28. Peter- ah fuck. This one is going to hurt (it did). 1000000/10 my ribs get the feeling she did😭 all her joe related aches are so bone deeeep ugh. Promises oceans deep but never to keep😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 oh god it hurtsss it hurts it hurtss

29. The bolter- curious child ever reviled except by her father wow.

30. Robin- OMG! I needed this song growing up sooo bad. That way to go tiger felt so so warm like running into a kitchen after a day of being in the mud and u tell ur mum the silly things u did and shes genuinely interested and impressed by your smol victories. A bajillion/10

31. The manuscript- postmortem of every ex ever🤌🏾 love it.

[blonde-tori-spring555]

ugh i hate when i feel on the verge of a panic attack

imma rant for a sec soz, u dont have to read the whole thing

...

im just so stressed rn, with school, family, friends and ive got like two auditions i need to prepare for and tbh i just feel anxious for no reason, i feel like im getting 'bad' again, like were i was just in my room and doing the same thing everyday and my brain hated that, and i just felt numb, like i dont think im depressed or anything like idk, i feel like i should explain what happened to originally make me feel like this, i wont go into full detail ect, but yeh

basically i was friends with this girl (we met at performing arts classes) and she i guess never rlly treated me amazing and was always slightly werid for example (not saying this is weird but from the way she is irl and they way she sounded seemed strange) so last year i was facetiming her and i was like "oh btw ive got a bf now", and she kinda seemed a bit Awkard, like her smile faded and she was just kinda like "oh thats great for u" a bit numbly (i should probs mention she isnt straight and for all ik she is bi) and then instantly changes the subject to "oh btw i was thinking of asking out-" and yeh we talked about it, anyway i spoke to my mum how i thought it was a bit weird and my mum said "oh hahaha maybe she has a crush on u" and im (pretty sure im) straight so like i didnt know how to react, anyway fast forward she started to act rlly weird and yeh, like kinda being a bit dramatic about stuff, anyway one week, this was in October, i didnt rlly text her because i was rlly busy, i was hanging out with my school friends and stuff, and i wanna say she could of text me and i would of responded, maybe not right away but i would of told her i was a bit busy if she had asked, but no, one of our friends told us she was upset that i hadnt been texting her and that i should, yk so i did, and she didnt respond, then she left our performing arts gc (with our friends in it from there) so i asked her why and two days later she responded saying she felt she didnt fit it, and at this point i was kinda sick of this drama so i was by choice not gonna text her for a few days and take care of myself, then one day while at school she send me a fucking video (like a capcut edit) basically calling me and my friends from theatre bad friends, and saying i need to send it to them, anyway i didnt and we told the woman that owns our company, and btw my mum knew the whole time, from when she started acting strange, and my mum was saying to the woman that owned the company, that she will call the poice if needed and if it has been sent out and posted (the video had my face in it), then she text me calling my mum stupid and calling me stupid so i blocked her, and after that i told her we are not friends and to leave me alone, then in December i repeated we are not friends but im not sitting here being pissed anymore so like forget about the shit and move on BUT WE ARE NOT FRIENDS, anyway this bs has been dragged on for like 5-6 months and she fucking keeps harassing me to the point ive had to block her on all platforms. anyway yeh :)

[foursdarkdays]

Dear diary,

I dont know if its anxiety or something is really wrong with my health. I’m very breathless and my chest hurts. Idk what to doooo . I’m scared. Because there’s no reason to be this anxious? So is it because I’m physically stressed? Whatever it is please stop😭😭😭😭 okay I’m kinda dissociating rn now idk if its because of the already existing anxiety or its because I’m tensed right now. Should i just try to sleep it off?

The more i tense about this the more pain I’ll get so i should sleep it off

22:53 5/8/24

I’m trying to force myself to cry lol i feel like I’ll feel a bit better after crying. But how do i cryyyy

Okay i cried it out. I feel 30% better? I kinda cried well? But there was like noooooo reason???? I was trying to find things that made me sad so i could cry better but there was nothing??? But i still cried lol . I should sleep it off lol but idk if its because of some sub conscious hidden emotions or its my health

23:33 5/8/24

I really don’t like depending on someone but please please please I’m craving for someone to take care of me. Tell me to stop faking everything and just cry. Please someone please. Now I’m crying good lol. I dont deserve this you know?

23:45

[painonthebrain]

I’m gonna be honest watching everything with @/emmettworld go down is just kinda sad and also makes me. Conflicted?

Idk proship vs anti shit below cut im just . I probably shouldnt be writing anything rn bc my brain isn’t functioning for. Some fucking reason but whatever i do what i want

Like I don’t define myself as proship bc I think the whole pro vs anti thing is like. Ugh I can’t find the words. Idk it’s like.

Like I don’t want to call myself proship because. I have so many friends who will tear me apart for that and itll ruin our relationships and I love them and also I hate like. Having to attribute myself to a “side” but like. I’m completely fine with everything fictional. Yes. I don’t care, as long as it’s properly tagged, warned, etc.

Also I ship stuff like selfcest and clonecest so. Idk I don’t think antis do that.

And anti culture reeks of ew ew ew this (fiction) is gross! It shouldn’t exist AT ALL! And proship culture reeks of oh my god these stupid baby minors this is FICTION. DUH. Youre all beneath me

Anyway I know theres at least one moot i i can think of who has proship dni in their intro and like... if ur reading this. hi. I dont call myself proship but i certainly have some of the beliefs which is why i interact but if you’re uncomfortable u can totally block me like. Im not doing this to be some shady imposter who lurks in the dark i just dont label myself as any of this shit!!

im like. Lowkey terrified of how people are going to react to this post bc im HORRIBLE at using my words rn but like.

Like i just want people to make whatever tf they want to make! It shouldn’t be a person’s problem to “sanitize” themselves! And also fictional characters are quite literally made up people we create to do whatever the fuck we want to them! But also it’s important (in my opinion) to be at least a little critical of what you make. But also you shouldn’t have to file down your expression. But alsO-

Like there are so many factors to well. Factor in when it comes to fiction! And i try so hard to develop my media literacy (even with my underdeveloped baby frontal lobe) every day but even so these topics can be hard to navigate

Anyway yeah no conclusion paragraph because as you can probably tell from my writing. I have no idea what im saying i just feel the need to say something

Idk i just feel like a neurotic prey animal right now like im like.

Ok ok time to get personal guys

I have like MAJOR irrational fears that i am a horrible person like. Almost constantly and pro vs anti discourse makes that shit go fucking WILD. anyway. Yeah i have like this almost fanatic paranoid fear that no matter how hard i try i am a Bad Person and that im like. Metaphorically rotting from the inside and eventually i will expose it to everyone that i am Bad and Awful and Nasty and that even then when everything goes bad ill be completely unaware of my own inherent corruptness and that i will eventually hurt people or whoever i have the capacity to hurt and that things are doomed to fail for me because im such an abhorrent person

Anyway yeah those thoughts are obviously NONSENSICAL because… what??? The fuck????

But then my brain is like ooh yeah lets introduce some fucked up thoughts in here. Intrusive thoughts, if you will. Which all span many nasty awful things that are usually highly morally corrupt and wow I wonder if that ties into all that i said before? Yep it probably does!

Which makes me anxious as hell because then im also convincing myself that those thoughts are real and are my own thoughts and wants. Which FUCKS ME UPPP

So anyway that’s why I don’t label myself as pro or anti because proship makes me feel like im a horrible person who will hurt people and is disgusting and awful (also the intrusive thoughts) and the anti label goes against my very strong beliefs of freedom of creation and expression etc.

Yay rant vent brain barf over!!!!

[archive-lesterdreams]

...

[tartagliaxx]

i'm answering it like this bc i felt like it was too personal to share to the entire world so... hi r anon! this one's for you 😙❤️ if you're not r anon, please don't bother reading. this should have loads of trigger warnings but idk which ones anymore im kinda out of it lol

there are a lot of unexplainable things in this world. like,, for example... i have anxiety and i know for a fact that i have no reason to feel like this but i still feel anxious anyway. just because it defies logic doesn't mean that it's not 'real.' anw, ig what i want to say is... your feelings are valid and your coping mechanism *could* be healthier but your experiences lead to you forming them so i can't say it's 'wrong' either.

first of all, congrats on your oral test! so proud of you, love! second, a human person is designed to evolve and adapt. in this context, there will always be a 'better' but that doesn't mean that we can't celebrate the 'good' of now. it's progress you see and nothing can devalue progress. it just is. personally, i believe that there would never be an 'enough.' we grow by constantly pushing our limits however, pushing our limits is not equal to not taking a break. break isn't something you earn, it's a necessity that you shouldn't deny yourself. you failed a test? take a break and work again after you're rested and maybe things would be better this time. you passed a test? take a break, you deserve it. you've done nothing but you feel tired? take a break. becoming better isn't a race. you could walk or dash depending on your energy and motivation. it's okay. we have our own paces. this is something i'm still working on personally but you don't need to fit in someone's definition of 'better.' not your family's, friends, society's. you just... need to be content with yourself ig? today, i have 3 things planned out but i dont have the energy to do all three so i just did one and i'm happy with that because the me from before wouldn't even try in fear of disappointing myself. today though, i realized that as long as i am making progress, even if that progress is just a millimeter in a mile-long run, i'm content.

i've never thought about harming myself or anything (mostly bc im scared) but im happy that you're getting help. i didn't study psychology so i may not be able to help aside from offering support. i personally don't expect anyone to be perfectly happy and sane all the time but i also cant come clean about my anxieties to my parents bc they think so highly of me. i understand where you're coming from really but my rational side just keeps popping in to yell, you don't have to be guilty for feeling things and being human.

i'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this but... i want to say that i value you and i think you're so strong. i'm not sure what the right thing to say in this situation is but i love you and i'm so proud of you. i'm here if you need me anytime.

also,, no offense but that's bullshit. i could be a millionaire rn and i would still be depressed and anxious and tired. material things do not dictate the mind's state of health. it's not as simple. there are so many factors to take into consideration and just... no. your feelings are valid. you're lucky to have the things that you have, yes, but it just... doesn't connect you know? you're not lucky to be feeling shit, no one is. period.

it's a hard time for you and i sympathize with you. again, if you need me, i'm here. always. i believe in you and i know that we can get through this together. exams be damned, you and your health are more important and anyone who says otherwise is just straight-up wrong. and idk if its just me blindly trying to be optimistic to deal with my own problems but i like to believe that one day, our pain would ease and maybe then, we'll be clear-headed enough to see the true value of things.

don't hesitate to take breaks, dear. be it from studying or social media or writing. do what you think is best for you and your safety. it's your life and your body, you know it best. i hope you feel better soon and please remember to breathe. i love you and i'm grateful for your existence in my life.

[teambleckpowa]

i just need to write this somewhere cause i have never told anyone this explicitly and my mood rn is extremely weird so it. kinda needs to get out

i have suicidal ideations. i also have urges to self harm and i hit myself whenever i am overwhelmed as a form of release and because i hate myself, in those moments.

i have been struggling with these issues for a long time. back in high school, when my mental health was worse, i would often wish to die. these thoughts somewhat left after i had therapy but then, years later, the first lockdown happened and being inside all the time, the stress of school and seeing everyone around me so anxious made them come back stronger than ever, alongside the new feeling of wanting to hurt myself. i have never made serious plans to die or hurt myself, but i occasionally feel these desires. im too scared of feeling pain, but at the same time i want it too, sometimes i feel like i deserve it, like it would be the only way i could let out all i have inside.

theyre only there occasionally, when im feeling alright they disappear, but the moment my mental health takes a hit they show up. i was worried at first that my interest in alternative music and subcultures was causing these thoughts for some reason, maybe because of the grim subjects they often touch on, and that scared me since these are the things that i love, but well. theyve always been there. its unlikely.

sometimes i think its stupid to feel this way; my family and friends are loving and supportive, my life situation isn't dire, i am privileged really. i know/knew people who had it much worse, i dont have a reason to have these ideations. but at the same time, you dont really need to fit into a specific box to develop certain mental issues. thats probably not the right way to word it, but i am mostly writing this to myself.

the reason i write this tonight isnt really because im in distress; yes, im recovering from a stressful semester at uni and every mental health problems ive been pushing to the side are peaking out, but i am not a danger to myself. i have been big into ni.rv.an.a lately and ive read about ku.rt. c.ob.ain. the circumstances of his death have weirdly hit me much harder than i expected, because i understand what being suicidal is like, at least somewhat. and so that's what pushed me to write this right now. its not easy. but nothing really is.

please don't worry about me, i am okay, if not a little vulnerable. i will be happy tomorrow. i just needed to get this out somewhere.

[carli-in-the-morning]

Thought Dump/Anxious Ramble

[QUICK WARNING: this is gonna have my unfiltered anxious thoughts here about getting people in trouble, backing out of things, feeling lost & scared & not knowing what to do. If you don't wanna read or deal with my stupid 15 year old anxiety, I completely understand, scroll on by]

Howdy hey! I've had....a terrible awful horrible no good very bad day. And this is that. But first! Some context for our tale.

So I am a self appointed not great person. I'm not a good role model. I do things that are kinda not what your supposed to. Namely, I go out at 2 in the morning and hang with my friends. But Cho, you may ask, how is that not what you're supposed to do? It's actually, where I live, illegal to go outside past 10 pm if you are my age. You can face fines for it. But I do it anyway, been doing it for about a year now. I have only EVER been caught ONCE, but that was by my parents as I sat on our basement floor. They brushed it off and let it be, so really, I've never gotten into any trouble for this. I typically had only gone out with my one girl friend, we'll call her Beth. But last month, I convinced my one guy friend to come out with me, we'll call him Tony. Tony is very new to it all, but Beth and I aren't. He hasn't gotten the entire stealth down pack yet. Which brings us to why I've been having a bad day.

Last night, since I was cat sitting for my grandparents, I had part of the house all to myself. Which fucking ruled, I could get in and out no problemo, and we could even chill at my place. Which we did. He came over, we played Smash (I did horrible), fucked around on Sims, and had a pleasant time. Now, it's a weekday. His dad and grandma wake up earlier in weekdays because...jobs. I asked when Tony wanted to be home by, he said we could leave at like 5:00 (10 minute walk, he'd be home at 5:10)....or he proposed he could stay later and wait for his dad to leave, so we'd leave at like 7:00, get him home at 7:10 (we actually ended up leaving at 7:20ish...so...). I said, as long as he was sure he wouldn't get caught, I was fine with that. We had a blast and then I walked with him most of the way home. I go home, sit down and judt kinda chill. Low and behold, I get a text. (All messages paraphrased for privacy sake):

Tony: Door in was stuck. Good news, my grandma was still home and let me in without asking any questions. Bad news, she might tell my mom that I was outside for no reason at 7:30. But maybe she won't!

Me: Just say you went on a walk after you got woken up by a cat. Don't tell the full truth, but certainly don't lie.

Tony: Yeah, I went for a walk and the door got stuck.

Me: Exactly

Okay....not ideal. But he has an alibi thought out and there's a chance he won't need it. I'm not that concerned. I go about my day, then I get a message on Discord at 5 something in the afternoon:

Tony: So, my mom found out. She's firm on me never doing this again and it all ends now. So, if we wanna do this again, then we're gonna need to wait a long while. I don't think she'll know I can contact you here, so let's chat here.

Me: oof

Tony: In hindsight, maybe we shouldn't have done it so often.

Me: Yeah, but for now lay low. Do everything you can to be helpful and good. Be an angel child and if your parents catch on, say that you just felt guilty and upset for dissapointing them.

Tony: I'll try to fix my sleep schedule as a start, try and get that in check

Me: Yeah, do that. That's a good idea.

Tony: also my mom has my phone. She looked through our texts and said if she caught us again, she'd tell your mom.

Now that....is beyond terrifying. If my mom knew I did this......I'd be dead. She'd cook me and serve me for dinner. My ass would get kicked into the year 3928. Oh, and another bit of context. I had been planning a movie day in two days for Tony and another friend of ours, let's call him Chris. Apparently Tony had not asked his mom yet.

Me: So how much trouble are you in rn, getting in more trouble to watch movies with Chris and I is not a smart idea.

Tony: Uh-huh...because asking to go to watch movies with the girl I've been sneaking out with is entirely clever.

Tony: also, she saw in your contact info that "she said I had a big dick" (inside joke)

Me: oh excellent

Tony: I dont think I ever told my fam you're gay

Me: least of our fucking concerns, we'll deal with that later. Right now I wanna get you in the clear.

Tony: can't do anything rn dude

So. Now onto my anxiety.

I am so fucking scared right now, because the entire time we've been doing this, I've preached that I'd rather take my fingernails off with a bottle opener than get him in trouble, which is true. I would so much rather get myself in trouble than him, and yet not only did I fail myself, I failed him. I told him repeatedly that I wouldn't let him get in trouble, and now he is and it's my fault. I should've remembered that his grandma woke up early too, he told me that. I should've reminded him. I didn't. Or I should've pushed for him to leave earlier or I should've kept him later. Or I should've never convinced him to join my stupid antics. And because of me and my faults, he's now in hot water. It is entirely my fucking fault. And not only did I get him in trouble, I could've run the risk of getting myself in trouble. Which is a death sentence in my house.

And also! That movie day? Yeah, so, Chris does soccer. And currently he had a very busy soccer lifestyle. His phone is also broken. So he had to put in literal effort to respond to me in the planning process. He just gave the okay for doing it. And now Tony can't go, and I don't wanna cancel on Chris after he A) said he was looking forward to it. And B) put in effort to make the time to respond to me and make this work for him. I'd feel like a bitch for cancelling. But most of the movies we are gonna watch were because Tony hadn't seen them. So I don't wanna watch them without him, but I don't wanna have it be really awkward with just me and Chris for like....8 and a half hours (the original planned time, given our movie list runtimes). I'm not really an entertaining person! Especially not for that long. I wouldn't know what to do! And I don't know if we could shorten the time or if I could even be sure that he would see my messages! So I can't cancel it or keep it going.

Overall I don't know what to do and I'm panicked and stressed. I feel so useless.....

If anyone has advice...I could really use it. Because I.....I messed up....I messed up big time

[reigensarataka]

S7 is the season we see Klance is canon or not. The final cannon shall be shot in August 10th announcing our lost or victory. We have come a long way, my fellow soldiers. - 🦑

GOD THIS RLY IS FORREAL HUH………. I AINT READY FELLAS…………………

im putting the rest under a read more bcs its rly long HGDJAHGJA

I took your advice and treated myself. I got two video games and a Pokémon plushie, Thnx boo~💖 - 🦑

HELL YEAH MUAH!!!!!!!! also which two video games *eye emoji*

I feel bad for not using the emoji anon thing cause I have an emoji. I just overthink my ask every time. Anyway how’s ur day been-🏳️‍🌈

IK U SENT THIS YESTERDAY IM SORRY ILY but im gnna say that Today has just been. one big ass rollercoaster……………..

I took a nap! But yeah- I sleep talk/walk a lot and this is the 2nd time this week I wake up in the middle of sleep talking. Its weird because I continue speaking while conscious but also unknowing. Its kinda hard to explain- All I remember is the broken fire alarm beeping and me sitting up muttering- “I cant believe they did that to Keith- Its sooo obvious- I just-“ It was something along those lines- Knowing me, I probably dreamed of straight!Keith and just went off hahah ~🍞~

WJHGBHJASHJJ i used to sleepwalk a lot when i was a kid and that shit was rly creepy tbh…… my sister used to do it a lot too and one time we just started screaming and shaking eachothers shoulders at the same time and UHWUHFU still dont know what the fuck that was all abt but creepy……….. ALSO ME AT THE KEITH THINBG KAMKGJIAG

My dad bought me a red backpack for Christmas last year and I really like it but it has Keith’s galra sword and bayard on it on a really small patch so it’s lowkey, but I’m going into hs now and I want a cute aesthetic backpack and I don’t really want a voltron backpack in highschool soooo wish me luck on trying to get one -🦎

BRO, BE A REAL ONE AND TAKE THE KEITH ONE……………. uhwuhwutgf it sounds so sexy…………………………….

sorry nessa it seems that imma be telling you every time i have a gay moment but… the girl i like SO much drew me today and im feelin v confused lesbian bc of that, bc she’s sending me mixed signals since i confessed some time ago and she said she needed time to think then, and we never talk about it now bc im an anxious mess&hate confrontation but then SHE comes OUT HERE with her CUTE ART and SEDUCES me all over AGAIN!!! what does that mean!!!! does she like me too??? no?? yes??? UGH! - 🐢

GOD NEXT THING SHES GNNA ASK U TO MARRY HER DUDE!!!!!!!! ask her out……….. I WLD DIE IF SOMEONE DREW ME LIKE HELLO???? thats Love bitch….. keep me updated i love hearing abt ur gay moments wuhwzutuzhguh

lance wears his hood when he’s moping and he doesn’t like to feel like the downer by moping around the paladins which is why we don’t see him wear the hood on screen -🍓

man…. this lowkey made me sad but……. ur right…………….

IM OPTIMISTIC AS FUCC AND YALL PESSIMISTIC KLANCERS CAN FIGHT ME WE’RE GETTING KICK THIS SEASON!!!!!!! -💧

HELL YEAH BABY THATS WHAT I LIKE TO SEE

  ADAM…..!!!!!!!!!!!!!????!!!!!! hansome. -🐀

HES LITERALLY SO GORGEOUS i wld let him ra

OK SO,,,, I LITERALLY HAVE LIKE FUCKING BUTTERFLIES IN MY STOMACH RN AND MY HEART SPEEDS UP EVERY TIME I SEE ADAM AND EUZNWKFKALW IM RUBBIJG UP AJS DOWN MY HALLQAY BC I LOVE MY SON SM AMD HES SO PRETTY MY BOY I WOULD DIE FOR HIM VLD KEEP YO UGLY ASS HANDS AWAY FROM HIS BEAUTFIUL GLASSES AJD GORGEOUS EYES A FSNGIRL UWU COME THROUGH GIVE ME MORE OF ELZHWHDISNWJEJ A D A M - 🐢             

i literally wrote this entire thing, turtle anon how r u me, im me

(KFGHFAJGKJADHFHAGJKSDGZH)

So season 7 really is that binch huh? -☕️    

S7 IS GNNA DO IT TO US SO BAD………       

URGH AND WE STILL HAVE 4 MORE DAYS!! ~🐩

IM NOT GONNA HOLD ON FOR FOUR MORE DAYS DUDE…………

ASKSDJFS I’VE BEEN ASLEEP FOR SEVEN HOURS AND I COME BACK AND ASKEFJLDSFJJ -🍓

IM SCARED TO EVEN GO TO SLEEP TONIGHT LMFAJUJHGKAJG

concept: veronica and lance are twins -💧            

DELICIOUS POST raindrop anon i STAN u

In the middle of all this bullshit I just gotta stay relentlessly positive and everything will be okay!!!!! -🧚‍♀️            

YES BABY THANK YOU MUAH

black paladin veronica or we riot - 🐚

M E ME EMEE EGHAGKJDG

“you’ll all love veronica. trust me” YEAH BECAUSE SHE’S ONE OF THE GAYS I’M CALLING IT - 🐜

DAMN RIGHT!!!!!! WLW QUEEN

Since were talking about moms, my mom thinks Keith is a girl and she once said “Oh that’s a cute girl” while pointing at a photo of Keith. - 🦑

LMAO?????????? FORREAL??????????? SADHGKJADGKJ

 i think we all know the real reason why keith named his wolf cosmo is because he’s secretly a massive fan of the fairly odd parents and just doesn’t want to admit it - 🐜 

GOD u r so fucking right we r all fools………….

[outofcontexturi]

22nd sept 2022 journal 22:46pm

reba is mad at me. i dont why. i mean i do know why but like i dont get the energy she’s giving me. i dont know i dont think much of what i did as a big deal but everyone is different i guess. im currently listening to dreyamac on my own volition. i didnt think i’d like the song im listening to initially but fucking hell i do like it. it’s called Square Up. it’s a nice vibe. i need to sleep but i thought why not just journal some of my feelings. im nervous right now or at least anxious about something. it probably has something to do with the play that im currently doing and the existentialiality. im really deeping life. we all need a good friend we can count on. i dont know if its mercury retrograde thats got me fucked up but something does man. things feel weird right now. the people i love the most are testing me and i dont know why. its like life wants me to react not life but the forces or whatever idk man. im tryna keep a level head but niggas have me fucked up man. mercury retrograde is wild man. i wonder why this shit happens. im kinda glad that i meditate and have trust in myself and that i dont listen to every fucking thought in my head cause fucking hell man its like it never turns off in there. i have a headache. i might take a paracetamol.  having people you love upset with you is the worst. im proud im speaking my truth. im proud i trust me and my journey and that i love me. God loves me. I love me. its a scary journey to embark on cause you dont know the pay off but fucking hell the thrill is something aint it? the sheer spectacle if you dont make it is crazy. but even wilder if you do make it. this is the human experience for crying out loud you’re meant to do this shit. you’re meant to take risks for fuck sake. you’re meant to dare to dream big and dream wild. you’re meant to fail and you’re meant to keep trying cause thats what life is, the act of trying something and finding something(s) to live for and enjoying. and sometimes it meant to be for crying and anger and confusion.. even without names if they didnt have names theyd still be available emotions to us so its clear were meant to feel these things but we’re also meant to have the sense to realise feelings are fleeting; they come and go. and thats okay. i feel like im learning myself again. its interesting. hearing myself talk to inner me and its like so beautiful. im glad i have this confidence in myself. it’s been a hard road getting here but fuck it im here. sometimes i think the world or the people of the world have gone mad. 23:25pm. im listening to a law of attraction thingy rn. talking about how if things get worst before they get better. this life experience is quite hard. mercury retrograde is finishing me. i know im tired cause my head hurts. i dont know im listening to eminem but fuck it. rhyme or reason LP album from 2014 or something like that. reminds me of Josh being in france and me having the room to myself. thank you God for your undying love i swear man. you are so faithful to me. amen. this stormzy video is nuts. he really did his thing man. fucking hell man. what a guy. thank God its friday cause fuck man. im gonna have a good day and this headache will be gone by the morning and i’ll feel normal again haha. i’ll see you guys. sign out time: 00:06am 23rd sept fri 2022

[shadyhouse]

💕🌸🍯🎂🍃🍦🍩🦄🦋🍓 (I know that’s a lot but my dash is slow lol)

are you crushing on someone? - no not right now!! its been a while since ive had a real crush im BORED 

what is your favorite flower? - lilies!! esp tiger lilies

describe your favorite smell - warm.... clean... smokey but not too much just a HINT.... earthy but in a plant/flower way not a dirt way.... nostalgic.... 

if you had 3 wishes, what would they be? - FIRST WISH would be for my commission queue to be completely finished like right now immediately so i can start again with a clean-slate stress free SECOND WISH would be A Lot Of Money of course and THIRD WISH would be ... give me the new smash bros gfjkgfdh

would you rather live in a sea with mermaids or a forest with fairies? - IN THE SEA WITH MERMAIDS FINAL ANSWER 

what scented candle is your favorite? - oohhh i like the flowery ones!!! and ones that are just plant based in general? not including fruity ones theyre kinda too strong. i like just regular basic fresh linen sent too like sorry 2 be vanilla 🙄

current mood? - im feeling fine rn!! i was a little anxious for no reason earlier which kinda sucked but i think im over it... 

how do you perceive yourself? - as far as im concerned i actually look like my fursona irl so jot that down (really tho i have issues with this kinda thing... i avoid mirrors as much as i can 😓)

how do you think others perceive you? - hhhhhhhh i hate thinking about this :/ i dont even wanna know how others perceive me i know its Bad so i just ignore it gfhjkdf id rather just keep to myself thanks!!!!!!!! 

one secret about yourself - omg..... well i use this site as my main source for oversharing HGDFHKD its kinda hard to think of a secret no one knows 😅 can i get a subject to go off of??? i cant think of anything off the top of my head oops

[lunatheoutcasted]

Hey guys if your reading this just know I may not be on like how I usually am.

The reason why is because in reality I'm kinda feeling stressed out rn. For an example, drawing and computer art causes me to panic a bit, tired, bad, and anxious.

Another example is my followers, now ik what your thinking but I dont hate you guys! I love you all! Its just..I never really had this much people like my trashy art and all. I'm grateful..but I get so..anxious to try and greet you guys or simply say hi. But I cant even do that!

I sound like a moron every time I talk and then I just feel weird and obnoxious, so I'm sorry if you dont really like that..I understand completely. Sometimes, when I roleplay you guys, i feel..like the odd one..the one that stands out a lot. The black sheep..

Another reason why is since school is causing me to have anxiety and depression. And tbh I was an A+ student on everything until I moved in 6th grade. I suddenly snapped..finally gave up..so now I'm having my mom on back all the time now, but i feel ashamed of myself. I feel this guilt and heaviness on my back and chest. Before, I never was tired or always exhausted easily, but ever since anxiety came and ruined my life, I feel so much pain on my shoulders, back, feet, and sometimes my head. My eyes now full of bags and tiredness.

At night I cant sleep. I usually stay up for about an 1 or more until i fall asleep. Sometimes..i cry myself to self, like how I did a few days ago..like how I almost did rn. So, I'm always sore and it's very uncomfortable to fall asleep.

And finally...the start of all this..

When I had depression it was probably around 4th grade. At this time, I was alone with my mom, since my dad and her broke up, and we lived at my 2 of my aunties' houses, but it was a mess.. 1st one had forced me to do lots of chores, which I never was used to doing, and she would yell if I didnt do something right.

2nd one wasnt too bad, beside the fact I met my second step dad around this time.

Speaking of step dads..

My 1st step dad was great and all, until I learned the dark secrets about him. He had a daughter , who was in her teen years, and he would text her sexually and very inappropriately. My mom and him fought..abd I was in front them as they did that. This was when they broke up..

Then about a year later, my mom met my 2nd step dad. So far, he is good, but sometimes makes stupid decisions and other things, but I cant blame him, he was in the navy for a while..so yeah..

And I guess this will be the last thing I tell you guys for tonight...unless you dont want to read this dark part of my life.

When I was around 4th and 5th grade, I had some..suicidal thoughts. I would plan them by drawing them out, but I never did it. It felt like toture to me, but I just..I just wanted to commit suicide. I managed to stay strong, but I usually..went a bit insane and hysterical about it. I used to joke about cutting myself with the kitchen knives, joke around about having a cord around my neck as a "necklace" aka a noose..or do other things like pretend to drink bleach, imagine jumping off cliffs or getting hit by cars..so yeah..

Now you know somethings about me..so do whatever you want...send me hate I guess...tell me a lot of shit about me..blah blah blah..I dont care anymore ok? You can go ahead and unfollow me for all I care! And I'm sorry if I offended you or disgust you in anyway bc I'm always disgusted and disappointed in myself so just do whatever you want to me!? Since I'm already damaged enough as it it!

[bogb0ng]

Excuse me ma'am, we're going to have to see you answer 1-100.

Yessir! 

1. I always have more milk than cereal! (i’m basically a child) 

2. I love the cold on my cheeks but 9i don’t like th burning sensation after too much 

3. Scraps of papers sometimes i just fold the page corner

4. I take my coffee with just creamer and my tea i take black! 

5. Absolutely not! i love my smile and i’m very happy 

6. i do! i have a cactus at home and I have an aloe plant in my dorm room 

7. not really thats a lot to remember 

8. I use poetry, drawings, and writing to express myself. sometimes song lyrics 

9. fun fact I hum all the time if you listen really closely! if im really comfortable i’ll sing 

10. I sleep on my Tum! also wrapped around a body pillow because i get lonely at night 

11. we don’t have any yet! 

12. PLUTO! (viva la pluto fuck you!) 

13. talking to my friend Hunter 

14. it’s probably your typical open concept brick warehouse type flat 

15. a shot glass filled with neutron star matter would weigh as much as mount everest! 

16. I really like cajun chicken fettuccini 

17. either blonde or ginger 

18. I used to pretend to be married to my best friend in kindergarten... i guess thats one 

19. I’ve been wanting to keep a journal for a while, but i just can’t 

20. oddly enough I really like deep brown/hazel eyes, but also blue!

21. sadly that bag was retired long ago after the straps broke years ago, but i had a green turtle backpack with spikes all over it! 

22. NOOOO I’m very much the person who convinces you to get back in bed and snuggle 

23. walk around pantsless eat yummy snacks, binge watch netflix and  play video games all day! 

24. Yes, but sadly she’s in Alberta and we rarely get to talk, but she knows everything 

25. oddly enough i trespassed into my cousins old property to hot tub. 

26. A pair of brown boots my mom bought me (they look like hiking boots) 

27. Spearmint!! 

28. sunset! because then i get to watch the moon rise 

29. they check up on me

30. yes. petrified 

31. I love really fuzzy socks! i sleep with them when my feet are cold (which is apparently always right now) i have tons of wool socks, but like 2-3 pairs of normal socks.

32. I’m like never awake past 2 am so i don’t have any stories im sorry!

33. I really like cupcakes!! 

34. I still have him!! I named it Bubby.. it kinda looks like a mouse crossed with a bear?? and it has this rattle inside it.. idk i still have it somewhere and i love it 

35. I love them! but i don’t buy them ever because my writing is very messy and I don’t have anyone to send my pretty stationary 

36. City and colour mostly

37. my rooms a mixture of messy and clean at times 

38. I hate rude people! especially when people fake not knowing who i am or ignoring me.... and petty people 

39. black... most of my wardrobe is black lol

40. I have a bracelet from pandora that i lost and never found..... I’m really sad because it had all these charms that were sentimental to me :( 

41. the new harry potter cursed child book!! I was so into it!

42. I don’t but i guess timmies is cool

43. no one. i watch the stars alone most nights because no one will with me 

44. actually i’m feeling serene and at peace right now for some reason! 

45. yes. but also no because they can lead me astray 

46. I’m not very good with puns sorry!!

47. any kind of animal testicles 

48. Heights and falling from them.... yes i’m still terrified 

49. I never actually bought a CD 

50. I collect teeth... like the metal ones i’ve made in lab! (i work in dental) 

51. Slow hands.... (don’t ask me why) 

52. hewwo (i hate and love it) 

53. LOVEEEEEE rocky horror is my fave

54. myself....

55. straight up chugged some hot sauce 

56. a heart of gold, a sweet smile, a good sense of humor and a sense of the world 

57. It makes me feel good and of course~! go hard or go home 

58. Julians the vodka (aunt) and Ash is the wine (mom) 

59.the lochness monster actually! 

60. Anything from Neil highborne 

61. an already owned batman figurine i gave to my brother when i was 5 and i received a selfie stick.... 

62. yeppers!! either orange juice or cranberry raspberry juice 

63. i just leave em be 

64. pitch black right now 

65.Yeah I’d love to see Devon tbh 

66. probably big yellow sunflowers because i’m happy rn 

67. I love them! i feel at home oddly

68. very cold and covered in snow. YAY CANADA

69. i actually don’t like board games i prefer card games! 

70. no and i dont wanna 

71. I really like a tea called sweet lime 

72. yesssss!!! 

73. i bite my nails when i’m extremely anxious 

74. lets see they’re very kind and caring. they care about me no matter what mood i’m in they don’t talk with me often, but i always feel safe when i talk to them. 

75. i have a golden retriever! his name is crash and he’s a goofball!! 

76. studying 

77. PINK! OMIGOSH!!!! 

78. hateeeee

79. told me i was cute

80. white :( no i didn’t get to choose 

81. the dark spot/circle where a knot used to stick out of a tree on a stained coffee table 

82. not the greatest, but i try 

83. everything from imagine dragons 

84.yess!!! i want tree rings and plants 

85. i used to! archie comics all the wayyyy

86. eh no

87. rocky horror, a clock work orange, lord of the rings

88. banksy i like a lot 

89. i was a lot more when i was younger, but i’m struggling since we butt heads from time to time it feels 

90. CN TOWER THAT IS ALL

91. scotland!! i want to see my heritage 

92. DROWN ER IN CHEESE 

93. hair in a bun or down in my messy curly mop 

94. chris was! 

95. i’m going on a halloween haunt friday night and studying the rest of the weekend!! 

96. procrastinateee lol i hate updates 

97. ISFP, Capricorn, Hufflepuff 

98. it’s been a long time, but i love hiking so much!! i love being alone in nature 

99. hunter, chris, robin, brendan, josh, katie

100. probably 5 years into the future? im always wondering what the future holds for me so  yeah! 

[bootisimo]

ok so i dont care if im spamming my personal shit bc this is fucking tumblr & i need to just talk abt things

so im going to talk abt my best friend audrey. i havent had a best friend since around 7th grade (I’m a graduating senior this year) & my overall friend group has been really unstable & changes a lot, so I didn’t realize it at the time, but I haven’t made any deep connections in high school and it’s kinda sucked. Pair that up with me being super insecure because everybody talked about me behind my back in middle school and literally nobody outside of my group of 5 friends could stand to be near me (which I only learned around 2 months ago & it’s fucked me up so much, especiallyl because i was so oblivious & for all i know the same thing could still be happening), so I’ve felt very isolated and alone without realizing it for basically all of my scary developmental years. & then this new girl comes to school, and I meet her a the beginning of senior year! & she’s so wonderful and we click so well and after knowing each other for barely any time i felt so close to her and I was essentially drunk off of finally being close to someone again and she was all i ever thought abt bc i loved spending time with her so much! ((that sounds weird and obsessive but i promise im exaggerating i just kinda accidentally started idolizing her and absorbing her mannerisms bc thats what i always do)) & following my stupid fucked up pattern for people im clsoe to, i was all over her for a few months then i started doing that isolating thing and i convinced myself that her & the rest of my friends barely tolerate me (it didn’t help that this is senior year & shit actually did happen w two of my other close friends so my friend group is shrinking rapidlyl and i dont want to put effort into roping it back together), so I became really unhappy without realizing it bc i repress everything and i literally have so much trouble processing and actually feeling what’s going on around me . thats where my problems with derealization come from, because it crosses the line into literally not being able to say if im awake or in a dream, or if i exist or not, so how the fuck would i be able to know if i was happy or unhappy? im realizing tonight that ive been actually, truly depressed for an indeterminant amount of time, and that really scares me with the whole bipolar issue bc ive figured out that i cant live life without control. i need independence and control over my entire sense of self or i can’t cope, and its super unhealthy but its the only way i know how. and if im bipolar like im starting to believe i might be and like my therapist thinks is a definite possibility, then kind of by definition that means that i don’t have control, over my actions or my moods or my life, especially if it’s bad enought that i need medication. and judging by just how bad things have been recently, right when i start being able to feel my emotions without automatically shutting them down (so I’m feeling them to the full extent that i shielded myself from, in other words), i don’t think i can succeed, or even survive, on my own if this is what my daily life becomes. I’m losing my control right before I’m really going to need it, right before i turn 18 and go to college and actually need to take care of myself, and I’m so anxious about it that I constantly feel like I’m going to vomit, and like there’s a dumbbell sitting both on my chest and at the bottom of my stomach. when I repressed everything, i was always relaxed. i literally could not make myself stress or feel bad about anything, which is super unhealthy, but now it’s like i can’t make myself not be stressed, and i can’t reverse it!! I’ll try to feel like I used to because not feeling is so so so much easier than feeling, but it’s like I’ve forgotten how!! 

anyway part of the reason my relationship with audrey is so good and so bad is bc it’s super hard for me to actually talk to her, because I always struggle with guilt because of how easy my life is compared to my friends. feeling like i have things better than anyone makes me feel so guilty that i want to die, which is probably a part of the depressive episodes, so I’ll go through periods where I’ll talked to audrey but i literally wont’ say anything to her bc i feel so guilty about how much she has to deal with, and then it’s like we aren’t even friends anymore and its 100% my fault because I consciously pull away and just think about dying for a week or two and convince myself that i dont need or deserve any friends or anyone to talk about the issues im having with. when i actually do share things with audrey, i lover her even more, because she never makes me feel guilty for having things she doesnt, and she always reminds me to that im trying to be conscious of the differences in our lives, and she always makes me feel so good about myself because that’s the kind of person she is. she’s been through so much more than most people, and I don’t even know a lot of the details about her life. its amazing though not just because she went through it--it always pisses me off as a trans person when people tell me i’m “brave” just for living and transitioning, and i know she would feel the same if i thought she was amazing just bc she’s survived so much. but she’s amazing for how she deals with it, mostly. you can tell she has a lot of problems coping but she still always makes an effort to make people feel included, and to better herself, and to be fucking kind. I’m always so amazed by how kind she is and how little she deserves all the shit that life throws at her, and I dont say that to her bc it’s always uncomfortable when people tell you that, but I’m really starstruck by her. i very often just start thinking about what a genuinely caring, selfless person she is--not like me, who does everything because of the reaction that I anticipate from other people. when she’s kind, you can just tell that it’s because she wants to be kind and doesnt care about the consequences. she is a good person far deeper down than I am and its amazing to see that at work. I’ve actually been standing up for my beliefs and saying something when I think someone’s in the wrong just because I’ve been around her and I’ve seen her do that 

but the worst thing is that we met so close to the end of graduation. we just found out we’re all staying in the area next year but with my habit of suddenly dropping people for no reason, I can’t guarantee we’ll stay close, and that makes me so so sad because I genuinely think the more time I spend with audrey, the better a person I become. it’s hard to balance because I also make all my bad decisions with audrey because we fuel each other because w’ere so similar, so that makes it hard to. (haha we’re both geminis after all, and i dont believe in astrology but the idea that two geminis always have short, intense bursts of relationships, so they’re hard to make last, seems super accurate for us, and I’m afraid that tha’ts whats going to happen) 

anyway I’m just typing a lot because dear audrey gave me an adderall to take so i could last the night & not die, and it’s more than I normally take, so my focus on this post is so intense, and adderall makes you rambly anyway. it’s good to take a lot every once and a while though because just thinking things through in this focused, controlled but optimistic and basically unbiased outlook that adderall gives you can be super helpful--typing this out has actually been pretty similar to my therapy sessions, except nobody has to ask me questions and prod at what I say to interpret my thoughts. damn i hope i can get a prescription because i feel like this is exactly how people who can actually ge their work done and not drift off constantly feel like, and I feel like now that I know how adderall feels and how homework is actually feasible when I take even a small dose, like half of a 30mg pill, I can’t expect myself to keep fumbling through my academic life once it costs 20k per year, and when I’m not on adderall, I’m always, always fumbling and confused, no matter what I’m doing. I feel like I’m just realizing how much I need it, and the people around me aren’t as surprised because they’ve always seen it, because it’s literally always been there, but they just assumed I was disorganized and spacey, and when I say “I think I have ADHD,” theyre’re jsut like “oh, I never thought of that but now that you’ve said it I absolutely believe that, I can’t believe I didn’t see it before.” It’s inhibited me enough in my life, especially in school, that in my freshman year all of my teachers called my parents in and told them to test me & my sister for ADHD, and the only reason it never happened is because there was a miscommunication and my mom thought the school had screend us for free, when me & emma have never ever seen a doctor about it 

things are jsut bad rn bc it’s like i stand on both edges of a really small planet. on one side is the adhd stuff, and the realization that if I get treatment, life could be a lot more possible for me than I ever knew it was possible to me. on the other side is the emotions that I’m not able to repress anymore (maybe it’s the bipolar vs the adhd, maybe not--again, not diagnosed, and definitely not self diagnosing). these emotins that I’m actually starting to be able to process are a lot worse than I ever realized they were, and it’s promising the opposite of the adhd side--that things could get much worse than I ever knew they could get, and that they’re already headed that way. 

sorry for making you all scroll past this thing, but it’s been really helpfulto be able to sort my thoughts out like this. I definitely feel like i just prepared myself to make progress in my therapy session on friday, at the very least. maybe things can actually be ok after all