#normally i dont like more feminine clothes but id like to try it out now that im more comfy with it

[acethatlovesdinos]

Tw: vent, female body dysmorphia? (Idk I don't have an official diagnosis). description of feminine anatomy (boobs). I'm not asking for pity, I'm just spitting words out because I feel the need to make them known. A confession, of sorts. And maybe it'll help some of you feel less alone in your own journey.

~~~~~~

I'm not pretty.

I'm aware of the fact. Never really have been. Not exactly the textbook definition of "attractive" when I look in the mirror.

I dont feel unloved, I think that's a different thing. I know i have caring friends and family who have my back, but it's still not quite what Im getting at.

I hate mirrors. Specifically the big ones in the bathroom before I shower. I look at myself, my eyes taking in every flaw.

I used to be bigger, you see, and I do feel much better having lost a significant amount of weight but that in itself brought upon an entirely new type of insecurity.

At least when I was a larger size my shape was "normal," per se, in that i expected and understood that physique well.

I had gotten a gastric sleeve surgery (make stomach smaller so you can absorb less food, thus losing weight in a more "natural" manner). Considering my morbidly obese state at the time, it was a necessary adjustment for the sake of my own health.

Dont get me wrong, I'm happy with what I've done. It's been a massive change and I feel so much better from both a physical and mental perspective.

but oh boy, I never could have expected the kind of insecurity that accompanied rapid weightloss.

it was incredible for a while, watching my clothes fit looser and feeling like I had more energy. my mental health improved drastically. truly, this was one of the best decisions I ever made, and I dont think Id change it if given the chance. I do want to make that clear, my current feelings are just a bit of a side effect.

quickly shedding pounds means that your body doesnt really get a chance to re-absorb that loose skin. what once was round, fatty pudge has now become loose, dangling flab. it hangs over my waist, accentuating my gut and making it still look larger than it is. Unfortunately, the weight I've lost isnt enough to properly constitute those surgeries to remove the loose skin that exists, so I'm sort of just...stuck with it. Im still certainly not skinny by any means, but I feel as though I'd be a size or two smaller if that extra flab wasn't there.

My hips and thighs didnt change a whole lot, so I remain with a bottom-heavy, pear shaped form with a waist several inches behind my hips. pants are a struggle to find a comfortable fit as a result.

It doesnt really strike much thought at first, but I was pretty quick to remember that breasts are composed mostly of fat and soft tissue. One of the first places to start showing a decrease in size? yeah. My chest wasn't particularly huge in proportion to my body anyway, and they only got smaller. that's a blow to the self-esteem if ive ever seen one. ever try shopping for a 40A bra? they aren't very common.

Oh, and what I said before about loose skin? that applies there too. there's no shape, it just sort of...sags pathetically. it could almost be compared to the "boobs" of an obese man with the way they sit, and the thought disgusts me.

all in all im sagging, loose, and not what someone would call a pretty sight...ever. It makes me fear the longevity and even possibility of future relationships, because who would want something like this?

my only saving grace is when I take a closer look at myself. Look closer in the mirror, look at my face. that seems to be the only part of myself im mostly okay with.

I've got a soft, round face, dusted with a natural blush and a gentle chin. my ears arent too big, and ive got a little dimple when my mouth moves the right way.

pale blue eyes provide the only pop of color on my otherwise pale, boring body, a cloudy shade of slate with a ring of green around the pupil. I dont want to sound basic, bit they really do seem to change under the sun. hooded eyelids occasionally cause makeup to be frustrating, but i only wear the stuff on special occasions anyway so it's not exactly a huge deal for me.

My glasses help to frame my face, a cute but necessary prop(bc i am blind lol), with the added bonus of helping to hide the tired circles under my eyes.

A lot of people seem insecure about their noses, but mine has been mostly unproblematic throughout my experience with it.

I've had a surprising number of people comment on my "perfect lips" (a few ladies who helped me with makeup), bringing up the defined Cupid's Bow and naturally plump shape, a soft pink hue that exists all on its own. I never really thought much of it until someone told me.

My hair has always been a fickle thing, and I've had a bit if a love-hate relationship with it until fairly recently. I've found that I like it bobbed at my chin, where its light enough that the natural curls can have a strong effect. the most product I tend to use is this nice-smelling leave-in conditioner, which just helps to tone down the frizziness. I love the way the curls frame my chin and jawline, and it coils into these thick, beautiful springs after it dries from a shower. it's so soft and I love to run my fingers through it when it's been freshly cleaned. The current color is a dark purple, that looks almost black indoors, but it nearly lights up when the sun hits it. its natural color is a deep brown, and i still do like it, I just thought a bit of color would be nice for once.

Ive got moles and marks everywhere, but that's never bothered me. the little brown spots are fun, and a few of them on my arm can even be traced into a perfect arch.

the most unique aspect of my appearance is this...little patch of tiny moles in the center of my throat. The patch is only about a centimeter in full area, and it's covered in little raised brown bumps. Oddly enough, this part of my body has never been something I felt ashamed of, as the little patch of marks were one of the many things that made me, me.

So maybe my body isnt perfect. it's not the ideal shape, nor size, nor whatever else, but I guess there's some things about it that I dont mind so much.

[transenbyconfessions]

when i was 12 i came out as trans, im 16 now, i remember the night i realised it. i was having a whole breakdown bc no matter what i did with my hair or my clothes, i didnt look like a boy. i was frustrated and confused. my mum took it pretty well, my dad stopped talking to me. my friends were cool with it. i was getting on the internet and trying out my new name and prns to ppl who didnt know me before and it was a really good feeling. after abt 13 or 14 i questioned some stuff but mainly stayed masc or neutral. i tried dressing like a "normal girl" to fit in at school for some time, but it was uncomfortable and i hated it. id say in the recent year ive been dressing way more feminine. i havent worn my binder in a while, even thinking abt it makes me want to cry. my hair isnt short anymore, i dont wear the masc clothes i used to, ive even started going by my birthname again. i feel like im lying to myself. this all started when i got broken up with bc im trans. i loved her a lot, but in the end she couldnt handle the fact i wasnt a "real boy" (wtf). that messed me up so bad and ive already struggled w internalised transphobia. it made it so much worse, and ive hated the fact that i was trans ever since. i dont even like talking abt it. i chose to detransition, hell i even chose to not be queer anymore. i threw out all of my labels and any of my ties to the queer community bc i was so sick of being confused and been outcasted and being picked on by my family. i dont know how much longer i can pretend that im not queer, im gonna lose my mind or smthn. but being out is terrifying, i just want to hide. i dont have time to reread this so hopefully is makes some sort of sense.

[marowreck-archive]

boy juice chronicles

i forgot to do this for 2 whole months. anyway. big one this time

these have been some fun months. I’m filled with anxiety due to everything related school and all shit but transition stuff has been nice. actually im late for this shot so ill take it at friday. ill shove here some random ass points in no particular order because im not in the mood to write pretty words any soon due to school stuff

main stuff first so! i havent been noticing any changes i havent reported so far so these are still the basics: body hair darkening, voice fucky (christmas cracker edition), i think maybe strenght?? i havent used a single drop of muscle for the past month or so so i have no idea, i AM gettin chubbier on a more dude way, which is annoying because i dont wanna gain any more weight but im fine with it. my cousin has pointed out i seem taller and id love it if it was true!!! ill measure myself soon. bottom dysphoria has gotten bigger while it was completely nonexistent before starting hrt, which checks out with what everybody says :’)

ive been doing voice training just for the laughs of it and it’s pretty fun! both fem and masc voice are very nice to do! singing is getting a bit easier cuz my voice seems to have stabilized a tad more i guess! my fave part so far is the voice!!! its one of the changes i was hoping for the most

im at this point where people just roll with whatever gender and name i tell them. i have a pretty feminine dude appearence and my voice on its normal register is androgynous at the best, so i can literally just go with whatever sort of presentation and people will just. go with it, no questions asked. my nb ass finds it very amusing.

ive changed my name again from iago to Lago because i want to be as inconvenient as possible.

i got some new clothes and ive been matching stuff and boy do i love mix stuff around!!

now for the bad points whatever might they be:

my head hair is still absolutely fucked with no signs of going back to normal and this is kinda sad and also filling me with aditional anxiety lmao. i dont know if this is because testosterone specifically, hormonal imbalance or just plain old stress. either way i dont like it!!!!!! anyway, i wanna grow my hair out again because i miss looking like a lil lion and i hope as time passes, it fills in again, cuz seriously its not even in pattern baldness at all????? its all over and ugly as shit, even my eyebrows are fucked.

the weirdest thing is that im having lots of self doubt but its the kind of self doubt that makes no sense at all. my brain is legit going at me like “U SHOULD STOP YOUR TRANSITION AND JUST BECOME A NICE LIL LESBIAN ALREADY” but sir we are p much gay. we are attracted to men and other enbies, we literally do not date women. we have literally never IDed as a lesbian. theres a t/rf living in my brain and im trying to strangle her to death because she makes no sense and thats just more anxiety into my poor poor head lmao

but yeah, i indeed dont plan to go on t for my entire life, ive talked to my doctor about it and she said its totally doable! i wanna go for at least one year to get as many perm changes i should expect to happen (specially voice and some body hair, specially face) and then maybe if i feel like it go for an extra year! 

[misskaygray-blog]

Model, producer and co-creator

Model, producer and co-creator of YouTube channel ComeCurious, Reed is essentially the physical embodiment of sex positivity, which she defines as trying to make people feel like what theyre doing and what theyre into isnt wrong, its normal and its absolutely fine. Shes a huge advocate for removing stigma and taboos around sex, and we caught up with her to learn more about webcamming, a line of sex work that is seldom talked about. That wasn't always the case. Before she started stripping — both online and off — Domino was a suit: working at a Fortune 500 company as a graphic designer. She quit the firm out of boredom in 2010, and now mainly flexes her aesthetic skills to push her online sex shows. Unlike most cam girls, Domino isn't affiliated with a network like LiveJasmin. She's completely independent, streaming strip and fetish sex shows from her home studio, straight from a website she built herself. Stripping at a local joint came first, but after breaking her wrist, Domino segued away from brick and mortar clubs. She'd heard there was good money to be made doing pretty much the same stuff online — and she could be her own boss.How did you get into webcamming?Part of the misconception comes from the fact that it's not policed. It's a very underground industry, and there's no governing body you can turn to, so people can be taken advantage of. It's an online community and it's hard to police. Anything can go wrong; people can be abusive and feel like they can go away with it, but then you can also just turn off the screen. But many women feel like they need to stay because of the money. I've never felt like I had to do that, but then again, it's the same when people stay in the wrong job for so long because they're scared of leaving and losing that financial security. It's so close to the porn industry and a lot of the sex industry isn't policed. If you have a problem and you go to the police about it, most of the time they'll just say well, you're asking for it, which is not acceptable. We're freelance and self-employed. We work for ourselves and these are our decisions, and we should be respected in the same way everyone else is respected.

As with most sex work, webcamming doesn’t have the best reputation. It’s often seen as exploitation or a last-resort hustle to pay off debt, but Reed Amber, 26, explains how webcam models are just your average self-employed freelancers with the same amount of agency and independence as anyone else.For the unfamiliar, camming is where clients pay to either watch a livestream of or have an individual video chat with a sex worker. It can’t be pirated and watched for free because the whole point of it is that it’s intimate and personal—you’re actually interacting with the person behind the screen.So as I sat there, in front of my laptop, I thought to myself, Why didnt I just respond the way that I normally do when somebody proclaims something which I dont agree with? Why didnt I just say, firmly but reasonably, you are wrong and these are the reasons why… Perhaps it was because it was so personal, that I felt like for once, I wasnt defending femininity as a whole, but just myself. Which on the surface would seem like a less daunting task, but for me it left me stumped. I knew that I was a feminist and it wasnt often that I had to justify myself to anybody. I was used to breaking down all the reasons that men used to justify their behavior.And as a cam girl, you won't know where it's coming from. You'll get your split — typically around 35-percent, but sometimes upwards of 70 — siphoned to you via an innocuous credit card processing site like CCBill, while the site takes the rest of the cut. However you earn that cut is up to you. Some sites, like Streamate, allow actual sex to the point of orgy, while others limit your act to a solo show. You can do whatever you think will earn cash in the form of dollars-per-minute private shows or instant "tips". That's the formula. You're up against tens of thousands of women (and men, to a lesser degree) offering the same product in varying versions. That's a tough stab at making a living, even with your clothes on.

If abuse were such a big problem, Anna says, then why would any Romanian girls bother with it at all? Why wouldn't they just find some other job? In a country whose GDP only stopped shrinking two years ago, with 20 per cent of the population living below the poverty line and personal income levels far below Kazakhstan, Iran and Gabon, that question answers itself. There's a reason Anna's so happy to be independent from her former employers, a status she equates with nothing less than her "freedom".Her conditions at the next studio were bare at best, and at times the most personal privacy she had, while performing for strangers on live camera, were a few hanging sheets separating her from the others walking in and out of some rundown flat. Although she was the frequent victim of what would certainly qualify as flagrant, physical sexual harassment in any other business, Anna stuck through it, priding herself on her ability to talk a path out of a "bad situation" with male employers.Youd think that all an Insta celeb has to do is look hot, but its actually a full time job. Ona Artist posts new photos every day and does a week of photoshoots every month. She manages all her social media and built her own website. The way her business model works is that she advertises on Instagram and from there, people can go to her private site and cam with her naked. On Instagram, because of censorship restrictions, you cant see her nude. So, the more you want from her, the more you pay, and the more explicit it gets. It's just like any other online business, really.It happened through a friend of a friend of mine. Thats usually how these things go. She had found, through a network of girls, a website that paid decent money for cam girling if you put the work in. I signed up, submitted my name, ID, bank details and some photos and within 24 hours I was approved as a bonafide Cam Girl ­with no bloody idea of what I was doing. CONTINUED BELOW...

[draw-you-coward]

ao3

i dont like parties

“Just pick something that you do not mind wearing,” Thancred says. “Honestly, I don’t know why you want to look at my clothes. They will not fit you, and I fear half my wardrobe will irritate your skin.”

“Hm?” Ikael turns around, pulling his lollipop out of his mouth with a soft pop. Oh. Thancred is… trying, bless him, although he still does not quite get it. Ikael pats him on the chest. “Ah. It is… not like that, really. It is more the—the—personality of the texture. Clothing is usually fine.”

He turns back to his selection. “And I am here because… I do not have anything red that is nice! ‘Tis a party, Thancred; I cannot just wear whatever I would normally.”

Ooh—Ikael catches a flutter of delicate fabric in the far right. He slowly pushes long shirts and trousers out of the way, taking his time to enjoy the feeling of sticking his hand in hanging clothing.

“You wore a bathing suit to our last party,” Thancred points out.

“It was hot outside,” Ikael defends. And then they went to the beach afterwards! At… Ikael’s insistence, admittedly. He sticks the lollipop back into his mouth.

Thancred sighs. “You say that as if you will not insist on taking a dive into the nearest snowbank in your smalls because ‘’tis the season,’”

“M’ smalls wou’ get wed,” Ikael says. “Wou’ do it naked.” Ah! There is the fabric again. Ikael tugs at it with his thumb and forefinger until he manages to pull out a thin, feminine sleeve.

He turns to Thancred and slowly raises his eyebrows.

“I will give you three guesses as to whose dress that is,” Thancred says. “And, ah, I would rather you not wear it, please. I… the sleeves would rip.”

Ikael hums around his lollipop, nodding sympathetically. “D’you have anythin’ similar you wouldn’ min’ me wearig?”

“Hm.” Thancred motions for Ikael to step aside, and he does, bouncing on his toes. He wonders what Thancred is going to wear—hopefully something pretty! Ikael will let him borrow a scarf if he wants. Or one of his stretchier cropped shirts.

“Here. Is pink close enough?” Thancred pulls out a sheer, silken-looking outfit, slung up unconventionally on its hanger. “F’lhaminn brought this back from Thavnair. I had been intending to gift it to Lyse, but she has her sister’s dress now.”

Ikael tilts his head, straightening out the fabric so he can see it in its full. No sleeves—good. Skirt… less good, but Ikael can deal with it for one evening. Perhaps he can wear leggings underneath so that he will not feel his legs brushing together.

“Id is very wovely,” he says in some awe, letting his fingers drift over the beaded design at the collar. “You wou’ lemme wear id?”

When he looks back at Thancred, he is smiling. “Yes,” he says. “It will look good on you.”

Ikael makes a fretful noise and pulls out his lollipop. “I fear I will look too awkward.” Ikael is not… the most graceful in fine clothing.

“Nonsense! You will be splendid, I am sure.” Thancred's smile turns his eyes warm. “A beauty on the dance floor.”

Ikael points his lollipop threateningly. “I am not dancing,” he says.

Thancred tuts at him. “You are dancing, because it will turn every eye in the room. What better way to get all the handsome men’s attention, hm?” He winks.

“They will see me make a fool out of myself,” Ikael groans, shifting his weight agitatedly. “I am definitely not dancing.”

“Hmph,” Thancred says cryptically. He gives Ikael a once-over, as if sizing him up. “We will see. In any case; dancing or not, at least it will be fun.”

~*~

Ikael is so, so bored.

Over the course of the evening, he has come to the firm conclusion that political-oriented celebrations are not his thing. The people here do not laugh at his awkward attempts at humour, and he has been asked about his opinion on the petit fours three separate times. Ikael does not even know what a petit four is.

A few friendly faces are milling about, of course, but they are important people busy talking to other important people, and Ikael is both too shy and too hesitant to rudely butt in. He had found Lyse for a precious minute, and she had giggled with him over the word “buttress,” but even she had been swept away in order to rub well-connected shoulders.

Thancred is here, at least (he is wearing the nice red bandana Ikael had gotten him!), but he has been mysteriously absent. Ikael had spotted him once or twice with Riol, but the most he had gotten from him was a regretful glance and an apologetic smile.

Scion business, Ikael thinks gloomily, popping another one of the odd, bite-sized confectionary cakes into his mouth (he thinks they are Ishgardian). All hopes of being able to steal Thancred away to gossip with have been long dashed; Ikael had seen the looks exchanged by the guards and the way a select few people have been growing increasingly alert as the night drags on. A security risk, perhaps? Ikael would not mind punching an unwelcome guest or two.

His suspicions are confirmed two questions about petit-fours later. Ikael is biting into one of the last little confectionaries left when the staticky ding of his linkpearl sounds through his ear.

“Ikael, are you inside the complex?” Riol’s voice crackles through. Ikael hums an affirmation, shoving the rest of the sweets into his mouth as he looks for the closest exit.

Riol updates him on the situation, and Ikael cracks his knuckles as he makes his way over to where a group of opportunistic rebel thaumaturges are apparently causing trouble. At least the night will have some excitement.

~*~

Adrenaline is still running through Ikael’s veins when he reports to Riol, hopping from foot to foot and grinning from the thrill of the admittedly short fight. He is dismissed, and he is just about to resign himself to a few more bells of drawn-out ennui when he sees Thancred wandering towards him.

“Well, don’t you look more alive than you have the entire night?” he greets with a smile. Ikael coos and runs at him, throwing his arms open.  

Thancred laughs as Ikael collides with him, stumbling for a moment before regaining his balance. “It is good to see you too, Ikael,” he chuckles breathlessly.

Ikael kisses him on the cheek, then pats his face rapidly, beaming. “We can gossip now!” he says. His ears wiggle happily. “Oh, I found these lovely little sweets—I saved one for you!”

“Ah…” Thancred's face creases in sympathetic regret. “I fear I must needs be swept away for a bell or two to sweep this matter up with Riol,” he says. “I am sorry.”

Ikael’s ears stop moving, and he can feel his expression fall. So Ikael will be… alone once more. That… He…

“That is not to say that I am leaving you without company!” Thancred adds hurriedly. He steps back from a dejected Ikael, glancing around. “Sadly, it cannot be mine own, but… Come on out! Yes, now. I thought your starstruck phase had long passed, no?”

Ikael is just about to resign himself to an evening of trying not to cry in a corner when a figure shyly approaches from behind a wall. Ikael blinks at it, taking in the dark, blue-ish tinted skin and hair, the long tail.

“Ukebe?” he says in surprise.

Ukebe gives him a small smile. “Hello, Ikael,” he says. “Apparently you are in need of some… uh…”

Ikael has stepped forward to carefully hug him. He kisses him on the cheek as well, then pats it.

“Hello,” he greets, a little confused when, after a second passes, Ukebe still has not replied. Ikael glances back at Thancred; has he done something wrong?

“You will get used to him,” Thancred says, apparently to Ukebe. “Use ‘yes’ and ‘no’ liberally, but nicely.” He bumps Ikael’s shoulder with his, then, and when Ikael obligingly turns around, gives him a long embrace.

“I expect you to barge into my room in the middle of the night with hot cocoa and a complete lack of any sense of reasonable sleeping schedules,” he says with a pointed look. Ikael nods, already slotting in the activity, then pops the sweet he had kept into Thancred's mouth.

“Ba-bye,” he says. “Don’t die before me.”

“Goodnight, Ikael.” Thancred takes the sweet out, then gives a deep bow and a wink before heading off with a swirl of his long, fancy coat.

“So… ah…” Ukebe speaks up awkwardly, and Ikael turns to him with a beaming smile. Time to have fun with a new friend!

“How were, um, the petit fours?” Ukebe asks.

Ikael stares at him.

“I, uh, saw you,” Ukebe adds, flushing slightly. “A few times.”

Ikael had not moved from the refreshment table the entire evening. Ukebe is not making any sense, but Ikael does not mind. People tend to not make sense a lot of the time, he finds.

“It is gossip time, darling,” Ikael declares, patting Ukebe on the shoulder rapidly. He can feel his spirits begin to rise once more. “Did you see what Alianne was wearing? Green looks lovely on her!”

Ukebe’s face eases, then, into something a little friendlier and more comfortable. “It does, doesn’t it?” he says. He leans into Ikael’s shoulder. “Although speaking of green, did you see Coultenet? He…”

Conversation after that is easy and readily-supplied. Ikael’s opinion on parties will not change, but at least now he can complain about them to someone for at least two bells.

~*~