#not all emotions deserve verbalising

[rowenabean]

Learning that you don't actually have to interrogate every single emotion the moment it shows up

[onewingeddove444]

★How the bachelors would react if they accidentally made you cry

word count: 1.1k

Alex:

-would probably not even notice you're crying at first

-his expression would change so quickly

-😀😦

-kind of knew he had it coming though, since a lot of the stuff that flies out of his mouth is....well😇

-would IMMEDIATELY start taking the blame, saying things like "nahhh i didn't actually mean that i lied haha no idea why i said that i'm so stupid" ((starts blaming it on his hormones being affected by working out or something😭😭))

-hesitates at first, but pulls you into the tightest embrace you've ever felt ngl probably hurts a little lol

-his way of apologising to you is saying "you can punch me as hard as you want, i deserve it!!!!"

-starts treating you like royalty for another month, to the point where it becomes annoying

-every time you bring it up, even as a joke, he basically drops to his knees and starts apologising all over again

Elliott:

-if you thought this man was already dramatic as it is....lord🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

-would try to be cool about it, while in his head he's already pressing a dagger to his neck, saying that he has now betrayed his heart and doesn't want to go on any longer

-the moment he sees tears flowing down your face, the only word able to come out of his mouth is a soft "no, no, no..."

-he'd probably start crying with you😭😭😭

-starts whispering the most loving and kind things about yourself into your ear

-literally compares you to the most breathtaking images you could ever envision

-alternative scenario, where he just drops to the floor and starts begging for your forgiveness, even though what he said wasn't really that bad

-after that, he checks up on you every 5 minutes, to make sure you're not upset with him

-would swear on his life and soul to never hurt you again ((mind you it was never that serious😭))

-writes you so many short poems...atp they just become a whole book

Harvey:

-man....😭

-probably hurts him more than it does you lmao

-you crying would be too much for him already...but crying because of him?? ouuu

-is ready to completely retract what he said, even if he's absolutely right, that just doesn't matter to him anymore

-he just stands there for a good amount of time, since he really doesn't know how to deal with these kinds of emotions

-this might just be the first time this man has made someone cry because...let's be fr☠️

-would do that thing where he cups your cheeks and wipes your tears with his thumbs ((after that he's kinda clueless though😭))

-this literally being his worst nightmare...in his eyes hurting you is the equivalent of failing as a partner...and he's not really allowed to fail too often🙁

-would wait 30 years until you're not upset with him ((it takes you exactly 1 minute btw)), and after that it's flowers delivered to your doorstep every day of the week

-even if it were to be a one-time occurrence, he would NEVER EVER forget it, and he would always justify spoiling you with it ((using the 4 cents he makes from the clinic👎))

Sam:

-he is not that smart when it comes to verbalising thoughts please forgive him

-says things like "aw man you're crying😔😔😔😭😭“

-if he's holding a drink or eating something, he offers it to you, even if there's a single bite/sip left of it

-refuses to smile until he's 100% sure you've forgiven him, otherwise he just looks like this: :--(

-low-key fighting for his life not to pull out his phone and google "how to comfort crying person wikihow"

-once you tell him that it's okay between you two bro gets jolly, running around in circles, giggling, twirling his hair and laying down kicking his feet up

-the thing he did that upset you could've been minor, but that still doesn't stop him from saying "man...😔🤦 i'm so glad this chapter is behind us now.." like okay???😭😭😭 ((bonus points if he describes this as a "rough patch" in your relationship))

-tries making something for you after, fails miserably, resorts to showing you cool skateboard tricks he learned off of youtube

-learns his lesson and actually thinks more before he says something ((to the best of his ability))

-promises to write a song about your love and go platinum ((shows it to sebastian and gets banned from writing lyrics for the band forever))

Sebastian:

-freezes immediately

-literally unable to get a single word out, what is he supposed to do in his situation😭

-manages to whisper "i didn't mean..." and proceeds to go quiet after that

-he's been living a sheltered life for a very long time, so he's really scared that whatever he says it will only hurt you even more

-you can definitely see his expression change...not only does it soften but he looks UPSET upset, mostly with himself

-pulls you into a hug, hoping that it'll help a little bit ((it does, bro seems like a good hugger))

-asks you if there's anything he can do to cheer you up, and let me tell you he'd really do anything

-does not let you go for the rest of the day, having his arm wrapped around you, holding your hand, even if it's just the pinky fingers touching

-you have to keep reassuring him that it's okay now, he literally hits you with the "are you sure you're not mad at me?" every 3 seconds just to make sure you guys are good🙏

-lets you touch whatever you want in his room, i'm talking elementary school pictures, old sketchbooks, it's all yours, no matter how humiliating

Shane:

-um...uh😭🙅‍♀️

-yeah he is PISSED he's made you cry, he might've been mean when he first saw you, but now??? that is just not allowed in his mind idc

-jumps to self-deprecation immediately, talking about how he's an asshole, how he always fucks things up (🙁)

-just takes the whole blame on himself, no problem with that

-kind of saw this happening in the nearest future, that man does not have a very good opinion of himself let's be honest😭

-you could tell him you forgive him and he'd be like "nah don't do that wtf i don't deserve it😔"

-doesn't try comforting you at first, since he just assumes that you might never want to see him again

-but after the dust settles he reassures you that he's going to do everything to make sure this doesn't happen again

-sends you musty frozen pizza in the mail in retaliation (sigh🙁)

-would love to pretend this never happened, but making you cry really took a hit on his self-esteem, however it also made him think about how to be the best partner you can have

[cryinginmyroomsposts]

Shower of Flowers

Pairing: Kim Seungmin x Reader

tags: fluff, just pure fluff, college boyfriend Seungmin, non-idol!au

masterlist

Exhausted.

That's how you felt as you took a deep breath in the closed stall of the bathroom before stepping out. You look at your made-up face in the mirror. Eyeliner, lipstick and blush are on point. Your favourite A-line dress flaunts all that your body has to offer while still leaving a lot of room for imagination.

You have never looked better and you knew it. You had finally reached a point of confidence in your body that even staring at yourself in the mirror for more than ten minutes didn't make you want to pinpoint a tiny blemish across your hand.

You were smart and you knew it. You were starting your new job at a prestigious magazine because you deserved to be here. You had worked hard and believed in yourself and made it here. It was all there.

Yet a part of you constantly felt out of place, something always felt missing.

Your friends were waiting outside the door of the restroom. The ones who had watched you grow and come into your own during your grad school years. The same ones you had spent days and years crying, laughing and having fun with. Yet it felt out of place on certain days. The days when your anxiety got the best of you and even smiling felt draining. You didn't need a social battery with these people, there was nothing to think much about except that anxiety was a pain in the ass that existed constantly.

Shaking off the negative thoughts from your head and fixing your lipstick you head out.

"Oh yes y/n is here finally, let's go, guys!" You see Jisung shout to the rest of the group as everyone gets up from the different chairs they'd been sitting on while you were gone.

"Sorry guys, there was a queue." You smile sheepishly.

"It's okay. Now let's go to the pier next." Yeji had always been the mother of your little group and she did her job well by leading the way.

All of you step out of the small restobar and head out into the dark, cold New York evening. The long-awaited New York trip was finally happening. weeks before you'd all start your new jobs in different parts of your country. Yeji and Han were moving to California, Felix to Arizona and Seungmin and you to Chicago. This really was a once-in-a-lifetime trip for all of you. It was the last night before all of you had to fly back home and decided to check out the pier 57 rooftop and gaze at the magnificent city's skyline to end this masterpiece of a trip you'd had.

"Hey, you alright?" Seungmin's voice brings you back to reality, the one where all of you are walking toward your destination. Seungmin has fallen in step with you as the other three walk around happily a few steps in front of you. You tilt your head to look at Seungmin and see his worried gaze. A small smile forms on your face, it always does when you see Seungmin.

"I'm fine Minnie." "You sure bub?" You nod unable to verbally respond through the slight choke in your throat at the term of endearment.

Seungmin and you had never discussed what you were, but there was always something that just crossed over the thin line of friendship and proceeded to more. Since freshman year of university, the both of you have been dancing around this unknown territory. Never verbalising the emotions that you knew are present in both your hearts. Just existing in the comfort of the bubble you had created around the two of you. The rest of your friend group has tried their best to pursue the two of you into making it official but the fear of losing each other had always prevented both of you from speaking on it.

God only knew how ecstatic you were to find out that Seungmin was also going to live in the same city as you after graduation. It felt like a piece of home was always going to be with you, even if it never went any further you were content just having him next to you.

Seungmin wasn't exactly a soft, sunshine-y soul like Felix, and neither was he your biggest hype man and mood booster like Jisung. But Seungmin understood you. He saw through the layers of facades, he reached out to your heart through the thick layers of dark clouds in your head. Seungmin might make you want to pull his and your hair a lot of times when he is being playful but he is also the one who kept you company over countless sleepless nights. The one who'd understood your need for physical space but also managed to do anything and everything to cheer you up. Seungmin let you into his world, giving you the privilege of being the one to take care of him when he needed it.

Even now he walks side-by-side, close enough to touch but still far enough to respect each other’s space. Since you told him about your issues with boundaries Seungmin has not once initiated physical contact without your permission and every time it melts your heart. Eventually you realised that with Seungmin, you have no problem in holding hands, hugs or even cuddles. And when he figured that you became comfortable he let himself hold you.

You look at him again, he's looking up at the sky and staring into the distance. From the side, he looks so beautiful and ethereal that you don't want to turn away. Seungmin was not exactly the most handsome guy you’ve seen, but as your affection and feelings for him grew he became gorgeous in your eyes. You could stare at him forever, but you force yourself to look away as Felix shouts happily at the gorgeous view in front of you.

You gaze at the lights, the water and take a mental picture of the sight and soak it all in as you sit in the nearest sofa facing the scenery. On the side, Yeji and Jisung are fighting to get better pictures as Felix laughs and entertains them. You feel heat radiate from your left side as Seungmin sits next to you. There is a small smile tugging on his lips as he watches the skyline. You look at the direction he’s seeing and find yourself staring at the pretty moon.

“You’re my moon.” The words leave your mouth before you can stop yourself.

From the periphery of your vision you can see Seungmin’s smile grow wider. “And why is that?”

You turn to face him, he is looking at you with an amused expression. Maybe tonight you’ll be a little bolder, finally take the chance you’ve been waiting to take for years. Maybe tonight it won’t be a failed chance and for once you won’t just have to dream of getting to experience Seungmin’s love. For once you would be true to the feeling that has been growing exponentially in your heart since you got to know him.

“You’re my moon because you shine the brightest during my dark days. You light me up from within on days when I can’t find it in myself to like me. Ever since you came into my life you have been a constant presence, in one form or the other. Some days you’re not there physically, and on some you’re there with me for every breathe I take. Even if it is one text or a simple smile, you make sure to be there. Your presence has been significant especially during the turbulent high tides of my life. And no matter where I go, even when the day ends and the light disappears, you shine on the dark sky. And that is why you’re my moon, Kim Seungmin.”

His eyes have gone from amusement to realisation and with that his eyes have gotten glassier. His expression tells you that he knows the gravity of your words and that he feels the pull too.

Usually you’d be ashamed of being this open to him, you’d be running in embarrassment or making a lame joke to cover up your vulnerability. But today, you felt bolder, you felt the physical urge to let it all out.

So you reached out and intertwined your fingers in his. As usual, Seungmin was warm. His touch reverberated in you, made you feel alive. You squeezed his palm, like he’s done for you a million times now. You angle your body to fully face him on the bench. Not a single care about your friends or the other people there. Tonight all you knew and all you saw was Seungmin.

“I might be too late, but I wouldn’t know. Because when I’m with you, time ceases to exist. I feel like I live in an eternal cherry blossom on a chill spring day. Days merge into nights, yet all I see is you. I don’t know when you consumed me so wholly, but I can’t see myself without you. Every waking moment there is something in my life, in my day, that reminds me of you. The idea of existing in the same realm as you does satisfy me, but I am a greedy human. I want more. I need more. I need you. I need to love you, to let me take care of you. I need to fight with you, to cry with you, to laugh with you and to grow in love with you. Seungmin, I’m scared. So entirely petrified. I know I am ruining the friendship that we so carefully built. I am throwing something so solid for something that has been fragile till now… but you make me feel like loving you could be as ethereal as watching a moonflower bloom. This is risky, and for years I stayed back fearing the change. But, now I would rather fail trying to love you than being a coward who never got to try.”

The sentences flow into the other as you speak and the words tumble out of you in a sure manner. Seungmin is left speechless, he’s staring at you with tears threatening to fall from his eyes. You’ve never sounded this confident and a second after your big speech you want to bolt. You consider it, for a good minute before Jisung interrupts the two of you.

“Hey are the two of you coming or what?”

You turn to face a bouncy happy Jisung and the lack of understanding must be clear on your face. Before Jisung can repeat his question, Seungmin speaks up. “Actually the three of you proceed, we’ll meet you back at the hotel. I think we’re done with the sightseeing.”

You blink back and forth between the two boys- Seungmin and his polite smile, hand still in yours, and Jisung with his big smile that turns into a pout. The latter considers refusing Seungmin’s offer for a minute but changes his mind and leaves with a big wave. You crane your neck and watch as the thee of them skip along out of the pier.

You take a deep breath before turning to face Seungmin.

He’s looking at you with big eyes, a wide smile and slowly moves forward. His free hand comes up to your right cheek, a slight brush of fingers and then rests against your face.

“That was beautiful Y/N. before jisung interrupted anyway.”

To say that you’re a mess would be an understatement. You feel like a thousand rainstorms are pouring inside you and no words come out your mouth. You must be expressing the short-circuit of your system through your face as it causes Seungmin to break into his cute giggles.

He lets go of the other hand that you were holding and cups your face with both his palms.

“I want to try too Y/N. So desperately, like my life depends on it. You’re my everything. All that I’ve wanted since the day you showed up to class with lunch for me. For years you’re all I could think of. No matter how much casual dating I tried to do, there’s not been a single day that has gone by without me wanting to be the one you love. To hear you say all this feels like watching a dream unfold in front of my eyes. I knew you were fragile when we met, you wanted to heal and you needed to. So I waited. I waited for you to allow yourself to be loved, to be taken care of. And I was willing to wait as long as it took you. But the man in me is so shamelessly thrilled that you want me too.”

You don’t realise when the tears started to trickle down and when seungmin started rubbing circles on your cheeks. All you know is he loves you too. The two of you have been learning to love each other from apart without realising. And at this moment it feels like the universe has aligned in a perfect line for the two of you finally.

And the only logical thing you could do at that point is to throw yourself into his arms, so you do just that. Seungmin is ready to welcome you as always and this time he doesn’t hesitate to hold you close.

Whenever you’ve hugged till now, there has been slight hesitation and tension in holding each other close for a longer time. But tonight, there are no apprehensions in how strongly you cling on to him and if his grip on your waist is anything to go by, Seungmin has no intentions of letting you either.

It feels like a million lifetimes congregated to create this singular moment of joy for the two of you. Your heart feels like it is going through a Big Bang of its own resulting in the equilibrium of loving Seungmin. The million different phenomenons of the universe has led to this moment where time expands to last a lifetime and the human body is nothing but a mere vessel to express the insurmountable love you hold for each other.

The two of you stay there until you feel the initial drops of rain fall on your cheeks. You break apart to look at the sky, now cloudy and ready for a big downpour. Then you see Seungmin and he looks radiating. He definitely looks thousand times more handsome when he’s happy.

“Maybe we should head back?”

He mulls over your words as more drops fall on you both. Then he pulls apart takes your hand and walks you to the edge of the peer. Just as you can question him, he pulls you into a hug, leans close to your ear.

“Orrr I could kiss you into oblivion under the rain, with this view like I know you’ve always wanted…” You can hear the smirk in his voice. “I’ve seen the books you read Y/N, don’t be so shocked.” He adds with a chuckle.

His words leave you stunned and before you could back out you nod a hurried yes.

He leans in and the moment his lips touch yours the universe showers her gratitude by blessing you with the sweet rains like a shower of flowers.

[fairycosmos]

i don't have anyone so a stranger feels better but i think im going to kill myself soon. i don't see myself living anymore. everything is so doom and gloom

hey i'm so sorry to hear this and i get it 100%. i understand that clichéd words of comfort often ring hollow during times like these, so i won't just spout off empty platitudes. honestly i genuinely empathise with what you're going through and i totally recognising that words can't alleviate the overwhelming turmoil you're experiencing. it's so difficult to be in this headspace day after day, and it's completely understandable to feel drained/on the verge of giving up. existence can be exhausting and sometimes that's just all there is to it.

nevertheless, i hope you're able to reconsider eventually. i hope you're able to get to a place where you're able to see that your current mental state may not accurately reflect reality. your mind may be distorting your perceptions and endlessly catastrophising, as is common w suicidal ideation. it's important to realise that the intensity of these emotions is temporary and doesn't inherently define your future. i know that doesn't ring true right now but it is not impossible that it will eventually. while it might sound trite, reaching out to someone—a friend, your gp or a hotline—can offer the support you need not to suddenly and magically get better, but to safely collapse without harming yourself until you feel ready to stand up again. i'm not suggesting it as a simple or easy solution, but rather as a reminder that you don't have to face this alone. you still have options, even if it feels like you're trapped.

whether you need to cry, vent, distract yourself or just rest, it's all valid. take things moment by moment; that's all that's required of you right now. your presence is so so noticed and your safety is so important. If you feel like you're at risk, please prioritise getting to a secure location and reaching out to someone, even if it means overriding the current impulses of your own mind. you're not alone, and there are so many ways to begin confronting these feelings of suicidal ideation head-on without having to hurt yourself to do so - finding the root causes of why you feel this way, building a routine based off of healthier coping mechanisms, verbalising what's going on in your brain - it all helps. your brain is going to register it as bullshit at first, and that's alright. it's not a cure, and i understand that it's tiring to have to keep trying when it's the last thing in the world you want to do. but it'll give you some space between the intensity of your thoughts and your emotions. with time, it'll make it so that you're able to live a full and manageable life alongside the depression. there's no timeline for it, and it's a lifelong project, which i know isn't ideal. i just think you deserve to give yourself some grace and some time. please, take care of yourself and at least consider rethinking what you're saying to me. i care about you and will be here if you need to talk or anything. please visit the resources below if you feel like you're at your wits end and don't know what else to do. even if they're of no help to you right now, maybe you could come back to them some time. sending a big hug. x

international suicide hotlines / coping with suicidal thoughts pdf / creating a crisis plan / suicidal ideation coping skills / suicidal ideation coping skills 2

[twitteringnerdsneverfly]

Is Yashiro’s sexuality innate or his another coping mechanism against his trauma, as if the trauma is too early (he said himself that he was raped even before knowing what affection was) and too severe that his brain restructures itself to survive?

Hi @kyrieren ! You are my first ask woo! 🥳 I am not a neuropsychiatrist however 😅 neither am I a psychologist, all I can give you is my personal opinion, and it may be very scientifically inaccurate!

However, I can add a caveat that I have personal experience with trauma (not Yashiro-type trauma tho) and I do have some friends irl who have had childhood trauma and these are merely my layman observations + research 🧐

Childhood attachment is an attachment theory of how we learn to develop, cope and bond with people in the world. It's said that your romantic attachment style will be your childhood attachment style because it's what you've grown up with, what you know, how to deal with the people closest to you. Romantic relationships tend to bring out your attachment style because parental and romantic relationships are usually the closest you are to another human being.

Given that childhood attachment teaches us how to relate to the world and people, this becomes familiar and what we know.

The worst childhood attachment style: insecure disorganised attachment.

This is when a child is betrayed by the caregivers around them, who are meant to provide a safe, secure, loving base and instead what the child receives is physical, sexual, emotional or neglectful abuse.

The brain gets fucked, it's scrambled, a child cannot comprehend what is happening. All you know as a child is that mom/dad/uncle/etc is hurting you and they are your caregivers, who you rely upon in this world.

Unfortunately, it is unbearable to think as a child that mom/dad etc is bad (how are you to cope / survive if the people you rely upon are either bad or don't love you?) so unfortunately what tends to happen are the following:

The child starts to think they're bad

The child starts to rationalise that they must deserve the punishment

That punishment is misconstrued as an act of love / given a positive spin

None of these are verbalised / articulated / rationalised states. A lot of the time they are subconscious, automatic.

Enter Yashiro.

IMHO, Yashiro's betrayal from his caregivers, his insecure disorganized attachment (which also he displays avoidant attachment traits too), is so severe that he has warped the trauma into a good thing. It is unbearable for him to think that his mom and step father have betrayed / abused him to such a degree so he has taken the most painful part of it, and fooled himself into thinking "it wasn't so bad, kinda liked it".

So in his adult sexual relationships Yashiro, in my opinion subconsciously, finds himself acting out the abuse again and again: hands tied, taken from behind, can't see the face. And claims this is his preference.

To deal with all the trauma, Yashiro's brain has combined the severity of the trauma that has left its mark upon his brain with "oh I'm addicted to sex, and sex in this particularly painful way" without adding everything together.

This fucked up way Yashiro has sex is his trauma and attachment all combined. Unspoken within the attachment are things like: this is what I must do to feel safe, this is what I must do to survive / get on the good side of this person.

Yashiro has a kind of detachment to his trauma or so he claims, yet it is so embedded in his brain as the norm that it's his preference because this type of sex is what is familiar.

So yes Kyrieren, in answer to your question, Yashiro's sexuality is his coping mechanism.

It's what he had to put up with to survive, and his brain has now twisted it to think it wasn't so bad, maybe he even liked it. It makes the trauma more digestible to Yashiro this way.

ENTER DOUMEKI.

Doumeki threatens this entire narrative Yashiro has given himself to cope, "oh I like sex this way, it's not so bad, I don't feel anything otherwise, this is what I want".

Yashiro HAD to believe he wanted / wants sex this way because he had no other choice. He was raped and abused. And he has done as best as any trauma survivor could.

Doumeki represents choice and also a shattering of Yashiro's previous beliefs and the super uncomfortable mirror that what happened to Yashiro was not OK, he was betrayed, painful sex is not the norm, nothing to do with his abuse is OK - he is now allowed and able to choose another way. But this is unfamiliar and scary for our dear Yashiro, and holds a lot of painful realisations.

Thanks to Kyrieren for asking the question!

[foodforthought00]

not defending ray but also not feeling as bad for sand? Somehow ray is breaking my heart more than sand. Hell even mew's situation hurts more than Sand's.

Ray's reactions feels like a direct result of Sand's flippant attitude towards their situationship, atleast verbally. We find Ray's insults jarring because they come in the form of angry outbursts whereas Sand's jabs feel muted. "I'll never make someone like you my boyfriend." "It's your business, why should I care." "We were never friends from the get go." Most recent one and a couple other that I probably can't remember. Can we honestly say these aren't hurtful? Not to mention the fiasco with outing our cheating couple. Ray's mind is feeble and his sense of self worth even more so. Their relationship was transactional, then physical and after Ray's persistent pestering bloomed into something more. But it was ray pestering and paying his way into Sand's life. Also sand is very quick to deny any proper connection between them. He's also quick to shut down Ray's advances. Two instances are on the bed in ep5 and at the pool table in the next epi. In both cases Ray tried and was sent packing as Sand's defense mechanism and revenge kicks in.

Is Ray expected to assume sand has romantic feelings for him? Nah, I'm not half as damaged as ray is and even I don't have it in me to assume the feelings of a partner who has been very vocal of their disinterest in pursuing anything romantic. Just nope. Not happening. One minute he's saying they will never be and in another he treats and acts like there is nothing more lovable than ray. Hell it's gives me a whiplash let alone ray.

Ray in episode 8 is confused to high heaven because he feels something precious slip away and at the same time isn't aware of what it is. He has what he has always wanted but something feels empty. And for the life of him, he can't piece together what it is. He seems annoyed angry and scared. That people he loves will only ever see his worth in pursuit of something else and not just him as a person. Also he would feel terribly ill at ease even if he does put a finger on Sand's emotions because why? Why does he have feelings for him, if at all he has any and even this realization happens at a turtle's pace and hits home when he is high and probably sink in during next episode.

We all accept the love we think we deserve, in Ray's case it's the love he can get his hands on. Mew is willing at the moment and sand isn't. I would like emphasise once again that mew has expressed his love for ray verbally and by being there for him thru the years. Only person to say 'i love you' while holding a broken and ugly ray. Sand, for all the love he feels for ray hasn't been able to verbalise his feelings because of the intensity and the potential it holds in ruining him.

While Ray's actions aren't excusable it really isn't fair to condemn him when the people around him are messing with his fragile psyche left right and centre by acting and speaking in polarity. Sand can probably swim to shore but ray and mew are in a precarious position where they seem more liable to drowning than swimming...

[marcelwrites]

Animals

I found it difficult to restrain myself around her. She’s a raw, exposed nerve of human sexuality. The tightness of her body, the wide hips, all the little signs and soft pink flushes of arousal. My heart started to race and the scope of my thoughts narrowed to the point of being a razor thin slice of reality. You can feel the increase in testosterone, the shallowness of breath setting in, the nervy dance of tingles on your skin. We could beat around the bush and make idle conversation and waste the moment of visceral humanity and the two of us entwining and merging, violently giving and taking from one another, is as human as we get. The wild call of the animal kingdom is much closer than we ever dare to admit when thought falls away and we press our skin together. In the bedroom, in the middle of the night as the stars are stretched across the sky like old skin pulled taut, we lose our ability to verbalise and communicate with words, as we resort to groans, grunts, and moans. And we regain those antiquated forms of body language, communicating with quick, pointed gestures, and the sort of guttural elicitations. I could hear the slick skin between her legs and smell the sex on her and as she kissed her way along my neck and down to my collarbones I briefly thought of the sweetness of her pool and how dehydrated I was. I would nourish myself on her and then drown in her. Cogitation becomes maddening and the rational evaporates. The animals in us are there just beneath the surface, ready to pounce at a moment’s notice. The truly terrifying reality is that these edicts and laws prevent us from succumbing to these animal urges, nocturnal pulses, and the ecstasy of slowly wading through pools of liquid gold, her gold. I’d grown bitter and despondent in the outside world, but in the bedroom, with the lights off, we could be ourselves, indulge and feed the most starved parts of ourselves. You don’t realise how hungry and thirsty you truly are until you’re presented with a banquet of the carnal. Our lust becomes insatiable and those delicate veneers of reality slip away in an instant. It wasn’t even two in the morning but sleep was the furthest thing from my mind. I’d not yet eaten my fill, I’d not yet tasted every beautiful inch of her skin. She grabbed me in ways that defy belief but in some sick irony it meant even more, felt better, knowing they were her hands, her fingers. Those agonisingly slow lashes of her tongue on my manhood almost brought out a primal rage in me. Surely, we couldn’t feel this good. Did we even deserve to inspire these basest feelings in one another? Emotions are too evolved a way of describing these vibrations. It was animal instinct, the rawest form of intuition there is. The bedroom becoming a humid jungle of bodily energy, and we animals were only just getting started.

[mitsies]

Hi!! Hello—I hope you don’t think I’m stalkerish, but I’m the author of Intrinsic Warmth and I came across your tumblr and oh my gosh I just wanted to say thank you ??? This is insane

I am so incredibly honoured (???) that you think so highly of my silly little Gojo fanfiction. Like, genuinely. Its description in your rec list nearly made me cry—it is so flattering and so ridiculous to me that people actually enjoy my little side hobby (which is IW)?? I write it with nowhere near the dedication that some ao3 authors do—I’m a hobby busybody as well as a school neek, which is why updates take so long!!!—and so I literally do not expect people to stick around to follow it, like, at all. And the fact that people do?? And that they look forward to updates??! I feel like I’m repeating myself but I’m genuinely in shock.

I’m trying to think of coherent things to say but I am struggling so hard, oh my gosh. I genuinely cannot convey how baffling it is to see people talking about IW in a way not directed specifically at me, like comments, or something (which is another thing!! The fact that someone—like, *you*!!—has put my fic on a REC LIST?!?! INSANE!!! *I* use rec lists! All the time!! Wtf?!?! Being put on a rec list, that’s for real ao3 authors, and I’m just someone who writes on ao3, man! Insane. Truly insane). So you know, this has been sent to the girls’ groupchat because I needed someone to freak out about it to.

I don’t even know what to say. I saw a post you made about saving IW in case ao3 went down again?? Firstly, I can assure you that ao3 is in no danger and that it’s not going anywhere—but dude, if for whatever reason some random bloody nuclear disaster doomsday apocalypse happens and it does go down, I will literally send you the latest chapters direct >:) Do not fear. Truly the least I can do, my lord.

Jesus, I feel like I need to do something! Like, is there something you want from me?? LMAO. I feel like a poser. It’s like at the end of 2013 wattpad stories where the author would host a q&a with their characters / themself. Can I answer some cool elusive question over here on tumblr?? IDK. I have no idea but I just want to show my thanks for genuinely making my week, good lord.

I think I’ve conveyed how bloody insane this is for me. I’m truly so grateful. This is wild. You’re the best. Thank you so much.

oh my GOSH. i just want to start this off by saying .. this is so embarrassing for me. holy SHIT this is embarrassing — and insane, of course, and shocking, and so so many things but i am so sorry you had to watch me fangirl 25/8 over your work.

right now how i'm feeling could best be described as a cult leader (because i think i've started a small cult in your name.. sorry) whose like deity has come down in human form to speak to them for the first time. like this is so insane, i can't fully verbalise how crazy getting this ask is 😭 in case you havent picked up im a big fan!! i know i sound absolutely insane rn and i sincerely hope i don't sound as big of an idiot as i feel but i have quite literally sent voice notes upwards of 20 minutes to my friend about your work like i am SUCH a fan

i have received so many asks, messages, dms of people who have read IW at my recommendation and it is so fully deserved :,) you are such an insanely talented wordsmith and i don't think i've ever read a fic that conveys characters in such depth and with that level of emotional complexity. i admire you and your writing so insanely much, honestly in the least weird, least crazy, least stalker way possible you are such an inspiration to me in my own writing — you are so eloquent and verbose, in a way i aspire to be !! so you're not only a fantastic writer but you're a baseline, inspiration, & motivator, and i can't thank you enough for that

i genuinely believe that intrinsic warmth is one of the most amazing things i've read on ao3, and my fav fic work overall like ever forever and ever like honestly i could be dead in the ground 6ft under and halfway to hell and i'd still find time for my monthly reread 😭😭 it's absolutely insane that you say this makes your week because oh my gosh, i will be thinking about this for the rest of the month. might even add "thatdesklamp noticed xx" to my bio for good measure ! honest to god in my silly little head u are a celebrity and im like a crazy fangirl jumping at ur feet like a chihuahua or something .. would literally jump off a bridge if you asked me to !

with all that being said, i don't think i am graceful enough to convey the absolute adoration i hold for you and your writing. like wow. like holy shit like woooow wow. that's all i've got left in me — you are amazing, i hope you know that . welcome to tumblr, trust that this will likely not be the last u hear of my fangirling :,) SO MUCH LOVE!

[mintedwitcher]

Okay so re: this post I have feelings about the way the relationship between Geralt and Ciri is portrayed, and I'm going to try and make this make sense but like, bear with me.

First things first, the Geralt we see in season 2 with Ciri is vastly different to the Geralt we've seen in season 1. He is softer, he's more thoughtful, he's more careful with his words and his actions. Even in the few scenes where he's disciplining Ciri or trying to "tell her off", his words are never angry, he never raises his voice at her, he doesn't lash out.

And yes while we could attribute this to the fact that Ciri is still a child (despite her claims to the contrary), I like to think that instead, this is Geralt learning from his mistakes.

The last person he raised his voice in anger to was Jaskier, and it cost him a twenty-year-long friendship. He doesn't want to alienate or scare Ciri the way he did to Jaskier, and he doesn't want Ciri to distrust him the way Yennefer does after the dragon hunt.

This Geralt has learned, and he's trying to do better, to be better, for Ciri, and I think that's an amazing thing to see.

I also think that taking care of Ciri better prepares him for his reunions with Yen and Jaskier, respectively. With each of them, he's more open with his emotions, he's more honest with them about how he feels for them, because parenting Ciri has made him brave enough to be able to express these things more freely.

I've spoken at great length before how Jaskier deserved a better verbal apology in season two but reflecting on it now, I realise that trying to focus on Geralt's words is a mistake. We need to look at his actions, because while he's gotten much better with his words around Ciri, his interactions with Jaskier and Yennefer cannot just rely on words, because that's not how Geralt needs to apologise to them. He can say "sorry" as much as he wants to, but both Jaskier and Yennefer know that Geralt is a man of action, not a wordsmith.

So with Yennefer, this means being open and vulnerable enough to let his worry, his relief, show on his face when they reunite. This means introducing her to Ciri without hesitation, without trying to hide her identity or lie or brush her off. This means trusting Yennefer with the one person who is arguably the most important to Geralt. (And Yennefer betrayed that trust but that's a rant for another day.)

With Jaskier, this means showing physical affection (the hug). This means verbalising that he needs Jaskier. This means busting Jaskier out of prison and asking him to travel with him again, and taking him to Kaer Morhen for (as far as we know in canon) the first time. This means trusting Jaskier to look after Ciri in his absence.

Geralt has learned to show affection through words for his daughter, but the ripple effect of this change impacts all of his relationships. Ciri, just by virtue of needing Geralt in her life, has helped Geralt grow beyond the man he was at the end of season one.

And in return, being Geralt's daughter, being loved and protected by him, being accepted by his family, has helped Ciri become more than just a princess. And yes, she might idolise him and the other Witchers a little too much at times, but that's what happens with most children. They idolise their parents, they want to be just like their parents. Ciri is no different. This is a young girl who has grown up without her real father, without her mother, and who has just found a group of people that she can consider a family, thanks to Geralt.

Their bond is not just one made by destiny, or the Law of Surprise, but by choice. They choose one another. Geralt doesn't just love Ciri because she's his Child Surprise. He loves her the way a parent loves their child. He loves her because she deserves to be loved. And Ciri similarly loves Geralt the way a child loves their parent. She has faith in him, she believes in him, she trusts him. And yes, she argues and lashes out at him when she doesn't get her way, but that's typical of every teenager. And even when she lashes out, Geralt never responds with anger.

And yeah, sometime he says the wrong thing ("I've known many who wanted to be great fighters. Do you know where they are now? In cemeteries."), sometimes he gets frustrated ("When I say run, you run."), but he never gets angry. He never lets his temper get out of hand, because he's seen the damage it can do. He knows better now.

And the fact that he tries so hard to be good for Ciri is what made me love season two the most. Here is a man who has lived for decades in a hostile world, who has every reason to be cold and closed off, and here he is, trying to be better, so that Ciri can become better. He doesn't want her to become him, he wants her to exceed him. He, in my opinion, wants what every good parent should want for their child.

And yes, before anyone says it, I agree that we can't solely attribute his character growth to just Ciri alone, but I think she has made a massive impact on the way he views himself, and in turn the way he views his relationships.

TLDR: The relationship between Geralt and Ciri is a beautiful thing that has helped both characters evolve and grow into better people than they were before, and I genuinely hope that they keep this energy for season three.

[russosafehaven]

Setbacks - 4

Pairing: Billy Russo x Fem!Reader

Content: SH, Relapse, Suicide, CSA, COCSA, Abusive Family, Various kinds of abuse, Step-Family abuse, Basically dark content because I’m not in a great headspace and I live vicariously through my writing

POV: Second

BR Taglist: @snowkestrel @judig92

Setbacks Taglist: @imagine-a-fictional-boyfriend

~

They say trust is something we earn. That it is not something we randomly give. Trust is a privilege to have and we must prove that we deserve to be trusted. So why are we expected to blindly trust our family or step family? Is it because they are blood they remain an exception? Even then they should still have to go through the trials and tribulations to earn the trust that society has deemed sacred.

That’s what you thought anyways. As you walk with Matthew up to his apartment you can’t help but wonder why you had trusted Billy. Was it because his skin was scarred like yours? Was it the fact he looked after you like your own family couldn’t? Or were you simply looking for the male validation you’d never gotten? Many questions and yet no answers came.

Matt unlocked his apartment and ushered you inside. The two of you were quite close despite the circumstances of your friendship. He, a devout Catholic and protector of the city while you held no beliefs and were nothing but a mere suicidal. Walking over to the couch you spared no hesitation to plunge into the fabric.

Unbeknownst to you Billy was doing anything he could to find you. He was angry, clear as day. Since the incident that led to the scars he lost his emotional regulation. Billy was nothing but pure emotion at any given time. Raw and ready to attack.

“Bill calm down, we’ll find her”

He knew he should believe Frank, believe the man he called his brother. Even if there were no biological connections they were bonded by blood spilt in war. The group of four had David or as he liked to be called Micro doing his computer stuff. He had happened to be in the area and agreed to drop by. While Micro had remained on edge around the scarred man he seemed comfortable enough around Frank and Dinah. The teenage girl, Amy, had taken an immediate liking to the computer nerd and the two were reminiscence of how David was with Leo.

“She went into a church and then left 30 minutes later hand in hand with a blind guy?”

David spun around looking at the three adults. Frank strutted over to peer at the screen. He let out a grunt and clapped his face.

“How the fuck does this girl know Red?”

Dinah was the next to catch a glimpse on the screen. The woman couldn’t help but let out a restrained chuckle. Back when the Punisher was no more than a legal case she had followed it closely, even while on the other side of the country.

“Is that one of your lawyers?”

She asked, poking fun at the deadly man. Frank could choke her out right now and everyone knew it, but the two had a layered relationship. They almost acted like siblings when looking from afar. Billy beelined towards the door and Frank knew what was happening.

“Fuck… I don’t think any of this is a good idea but it’s better if I take you to Red’s. You have no fucking clue where we’re going. David thank you for,”

Instead of verbalising his thanks Frank mimicked the action of typing. It was a peculiar sight, this big gruff guy playing a game of charades but welcome nonetheless.

“Amy, you stay here and Madani if you’ve nowhere to be… maybe keep an eye on her”

With that the two men walked out. Billy set in finding you to all but beg for your forgiveness. Frank in hopes of stopping his brother from doing something he’ll regret more than he already has.

When Matt here’s Frank coming up the stairwell with an unfamiliar man he can’t help but let his curiosity pique. It wasn’t everyday the vigilante came to his place of residence. He made sure to check on you, your stitches all redone to hospital perfection. Whoever did them before did well but clearly lacked medical training. Matt had called Claire in hopes she could help out. He could’ve sworn the woman was going to adopt you in the spot. Even more-so when he could hear Claire’s heart breaking when you opened up to her.

When the heavy pounding rang out through the apartment Matt had expected you to wake up. You didn’t, you’d always been a sound sleeper. He’d hosted you many nights after a particular angry fight between you and your mother or when you felt uncomfortable at your own house. Before the man could even get a chance to open the door it was being broken down. The mystery man dashed in, heading straight to do whatever. Frank stood there awkwardly.

“Sorry Red, the girl. Billy knows her, become quite attached and well you know how we all fuck up with women”

If Matt’s eyes worked he would’ve been rolling them. The marine standing opposite must’ve picked up on the fact he was unimpressed as he could hear the side of his mouth perk up. Welcoming Frank into his apartment the two walked into the main living area. They were met with the scene of Billy kneeling on the ground, softly stroking the sleeping girl’s hair. Frank watched as his hands ran down to the stitches. Matthew on the other hand could feel the guilt that ran through Billy’s veins. Whatever must’ve happened was bad.

Both men could sense the heartache in Billy’s chest. As you stirred awake your eyes were met with the sight of the scarred man. You felt betrayal. Why was he the one crying? You’re the one who was hurt.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say you were broken. Fuck… if anything I am. You’ve been through so much all I wanted to do was help… clearly it didn’t work out”

You smiled softly at the man. He apologised, it felt nice to get an apology. Although you’d never experienced one so raw and genuine. As a child you had heard a lot. After your father sexually assaulted you he would buy you ‘my little pony’ dolls so you would keep quiet. To make up for years of emotional abuse your step father got you a bird. Your mother would buy you treats in an effort to make up with you. Over the years you’d come to hate when apologies came with gifts. They weren’t real, they never were.

Billy was on his knees practically begging for you to forgive him. You reached out for his hand and he gave it you. The stitches from your slit wrists brushing against his skin. If Billy was there for you this would’ve never happened. He felt regret but he knew it wasn’t his time to feel badly.

“You apologised”

Your smile widened and across the room Frank frowned deeply. Why did you seem so shocked Billy would apologise? In his eyes the way he hurt you it only made sense for Billy to be sorry. Matt picked up on Frank’s confusion and lightly whispered why you seemed so shocked. A few light details of your story had Frank breaking. A young woman such as yourself should’ve never had to be put through that. What Frank heard wasn’t even the worst of it yet.

You sat up, sliding down on the floor next to Billy. Opening your arms you silently asked him for a hug. Like a child seeking comfort of their parents. At least that’s what you guessed happened. Affection was a tool for hurt in your family. Billy pulled you into his chest, nuzzling against the top of your head. His hug was almost crushing but the pressure was welcome. You hated light touch and the way Billy hugged you felt like a weighted blanket. You rubbed your face on his chest.

“Acting like a little kitty are we?”

With that you suck your teeth into his chest. Nibbling on his pecs through the fabric of his shirt. Billy laughed and he just held you closer. The two of you made sense for each other. In a morbid way of course. Both scarred, both unwanted by their parents, both assaulted by a man meant to look after them. Yet here you were, wanted by each other. Even through the bloodshed and misunderstandings, Billy would always be there to put you back together and you would always be there to hold him through the night.

[storiesbyrhi]

Bones and All - Chapter 4: Hawkins, Indiana

Eddie Munson/Reader Series Masterlist

Warnings: canon typical violence/gore, cuss words, weird parental relationships, animal farming/slaughterhouse referenced; no beta; updated each chapter

Synopsis: A Bones and All AU. What do you hunger for?

Chapter Summary: He's not a hometown hero but he might just be yours.

“So, you never finished school?” Eddie asked, his one question when you told him about the sleepover. Blood-soaked shag rugs. Tinsel skirts and high pitch screaming. But he wanted to know about you.

“No… I could have a couple times over but, you know,”

“Yeah. I haven’t either. There’s other ways to learn…” He shrugged, kept his eyes on the road. You were making good time to get to Hawkins. “And your mum left after that?”

“Um, not straight away. Two months,”

“That’s weird,”

“Yeah,” you agreed. Yeah. Why had she waited? If that was the final straw, then why drag it out and make you feel safe and forgiven?

Your mother’s letter played in your mind sometimes. It was her voice you heard, but it sounded far away like an echo. ‘Maybe never loved you like a parent should,’ and ‘I will always love you, Y/N. Please don’t come looking for me.’ What was the truth?

“Do you think she was afraid of you?” Eddie asked.

Although you had just been talking about her, it still took a second for your head to connect it. Had your mother been afraid of you? Of course, it had sort of half-occurred to you that she might have been, but it seemed infinitely more likely now Eddie had verbalised it.

You felt a pain shoot down your spine and an ache in your fingers; you pulled at them trying to coax warmth back into your hands.

Eddie saw it on your face, said your name and tried to apologise, but you didn’t hear him at all.

Was she afraid of me?

Did she love me?

If she was afraid of me, how could she love me?

Penny. Luke. Dmitri. Kevin. Marcus. Noble. CJ. Jamie. Lydia.

The letter said your mother saw no shame on your face after you ate Luke Vanderwall. Maybe you knew how to hide shame by then? Maybe you had already mastered emotional concealment? Because you sure as fuck felt shame. Didn’t you?

All your contradictions suddenly came into pristine focus. Leaving Sully under the pretence of not deserving guidance nor company, then asking Eddie for those very things. Spitting venom at Andy for offering help, but using that same word when speaking to Eddie.

Did you deserve guidance and company and help and love, or not? What did you believe about yourself? What was the truth?

The truth is like the waiting jaws of a monster, a more menacing monster than you’d ever be. It yawns beneath your feet, and you can’t escape it, and as soon as you drop, it chews you to pieces.*

She never loved me.

She felt guilty for bringing me into the world.

I was just another responsibility.

An obligation.

Any kindness… empathy… it was all because she was so guilty.

Penny. Luke. Dmitri. Kevin. Marcus. Noble. CJ. Jamie. Lydia.

Why did I let Eddie help?

Pretence?

What do I want from him?

Penny. Luke. Dmitri. Kevin. Marcus. Noble. CJ. Jamie. Lydia.

I’m gon-

“M’gonna puke,” you managed to get out before clamping your hands around your mouth.

Eddie had already pulled over the van, but you hadn’t noticed. He expected you to bolt, so when you didn’t he nudged at you with an urgent, “Go!”

You flew from the passenger seat and across the road, throwing yourself to the ground and vomiting up everything your stomach had been trying to break down. Through your tears, you saw the still-formed top section of Lydia Harmon’s finger. You’d bitten it clean off and swallowed it whole. Now, it sat amongst the bile and soup.

Crawling away from the mess, you made it to the shade of a tree, laying in the dirt and dying grass. The itch of an ant crawling up your arm begged you to move, but you stayed motionless.

Eddie watched it all from the van, his arms hugging the wheel and his chin resting on it. He was berating himself for asking the question; speaking before thinking had gotten him into trouble in the past.

It wasn’t so much the eating that made Eddie consider himself a monster. It was the conflicted emotions he experienced after. Sure, there was guilt. But only sometimes. Sometimes he liked it. That made him bad, right? But watching you paralysed with misery because of something he said made him feel really, really fucking bad. More than guilt. A little like heartbreak. That had to count for something…

Eddie gave you five minutes in the dirt before he came over with water. He was sure he was going to apologise, but he stayed silent. You were glad he did. He helped you stand up and you followed him back to the van. You pressed on like nothing happened.

When you stopped for lunch, Eddie went into the roadside diner while you went into the toilets. You were staring at yourself in the scratched up mirror when there was a knock on the door.

“Occupied,” you said as loudly as your voice would go.

Someone had written RB 4 MG 4EVA on the wall in pink lipstick. You wondered if RB and MG were still together. A little further over, a thick black Sharpie had been used to draw a heart with SGC written inside.

“Y/N? It’s me,” Eddie called through the door.

When you opened the door, he was standing right there. “Sorry. You have to go?”

“Nah.” He was looking at you with his arms crossed. “I got food,”

“Good,”

“Ah, do you wanna sit or eat, or just… hit the road?”

You wanted to not have to make decisions.

Eddie’s expression softened and he stepped closer to you. “I’m… I’m gonna hug you now. Okay?”

You nodded helplessly, then felt the warm pressure of Eddie’s arms wrapped around you. You buried your face in his chest and snaked your way around his torso. There were no more tears to cry, so you just breathed heavily.

Eddie smelt like cigarettes. Not fresh tobacco leaves. The cheap brand. You hadn’t seen him smoke though; maybe you’d ask him about it later. Under that scent was his humanness, but it was sour. The same sourness on Sully. Was that it? Was that the smell of an eater? Other people were sweeter. Other people smelt like what they had eaten. What they had spent the day doing. Not Eddie.

Cigarettes and sour. He smelt earthy and more neutral than he should have, given that neither of you had showered in a while, and he was so so close to you.

“Are you thinking about eating me?” Eddie joked.

“You don’t smell like everyone else,” you replied.

He paused, then, “So, you were thinking about eating me?”

You smiled into him and sighed. He took it as a good sign. He kissed the top of your head, but it felt the same as if he had just nestled into it.

“Let’s just keep going, yeah? We’ll get to Hawkins just after dark. Probably not a bad thing. I shouldn’t really be seen around town…”

You nodded and regretfully let him go, following him back to the van. He handed you the plastic bag he’d been holding. Two roast beef sandwiches and two cans of Dr Pepper.

“Do you need to know why?”

“Why what?” you asked.

“Why I can’t be seen in town?”

You shook your head. “No.”

The sandwich was objectively good, but you couldn’t taste much. It didn’t really satisfy you. Neither had the camp stove soup before it, or Spaghetti-Os. You’d been hungry too soon after Lydia.

…

Hawkins was nothing remarkable, but it wasn’t the worst place in the world either. You watched the town go by through the dirty van window, sitting up straighter when Eddie cut the lights and slowed right down.

“Neighbours notice everything,” he said. “And trailer parks? They’re like mini-towns. We’ve gotta go under the radar as much as we can.”

The van was parked behind some trees just down from Forest Hill Trailer Park’s entrance. You and Eddie carried your bags through a small wooded area, coming out into the Park behind some mobile homes. He knew his way around, even in the dark, unlike you. It took you almost tripping once before he held his hand out behind him so you could hold on.

“We’ll go through the bedroom window,” he whispered, coming to a trailer. The window was unlocked, sliding up easily. He climbed onto a trash can, wincing when it banged against the wall loudly. Once inside, Eddie helped you up and in.

“This is your uncle’s?” you clarified.

“Yeah. I grew up here, basically. He works nights at the plant in town, so he won’t be back till tomorrow.”

The darkness meant you couldn’t see the room around you perfectly. You could make out the bed and side tables, and that it was very sparsely decorated. Everything seemed to be in cardboard boxes in the corner of a room.

“Yeah, ah, this used to be my room. Well, I mean, Wayne says it still is. But the trailer only has one bedroom, so when I started to, you know, not be here, I put all my shit in the boxes so he could stop sleeping on the fold out.”

Following him out of the bedroom, you noted a small bathroom to your left, then the main kitchen and living room. The space had larger windows, lighting it with moonlight. It was enough to see by but in no way romantic.

“Welcome to, ah, my castle.”

There were dozens of novelty mugs and baseball caps sitting on shelves around the room.  It was a tidy space, lived in but also missing the warmth that comes with family.

“Here, you take the flashlight. We gotta keep the lights off,”

“Neighbours,” you said.

“Neighbours.”

Eddie cooked another scraped-together meal. He didn’t want to go using up all of Wayne’s supplies. He felt bad enough for skipping out on him all the time and for… everything else. He didn’t want to add ‘eating all the food’ to the list. While he cooked, he could tell you were still deep in contemplation.

Eddie knew his own mother was terrified of him, as she had been of his father. One of his first memories, if not the first, was one of the look of abject horror on her face when she found him after he’d eaten. It never got better after that.

It seemed odd that the same truth had thrown you, but he had empathy. He knew that people hid all sorts of shit from themselves. It sucked when it came to the surface.

When he brought dinner over to the small two person table, you were standing in front of three framed photos on the wall. The first was Eddie, maybe ten-years-old, dressed as a skeleton for Halloween. The second was a photo of a man who you assumed was Wayne, holding a baby you assumed was Eddie. Eddie was asleep but Wayne’s face was wide awake with happiness. The last photo was an older Eddie, maybe fifteen or sixteen.

The face in the last photo was almost the one Eddie wore now, but there was a lightness in the expression that was hard to imagine on the Eddie you knew. He also didn’t have the same scar across his cheek.

It was then you realised you hadn’t given much thought to Eddie’s scar at all. You’d noticed his hair and big brown eyes. What he wore. How he held himself. The different smiles. The shape of his lips. The palms of his hands. A lot more. The scar that crawled from his jawline, across his left cheek though, it seemed so much part of him that it hadn’t earned a second thought. It was as if your mind had just decided he was born with it. But, of course he hadn’t been. The third photograph told you so.

“Good?” Eddie asked, breaking your concentration and drawing your attention back to him.

When you tasted the food, you told him, “You’re good at this… Making something out of nothing.”

He swallowed and looked away. “I’ll go see Red in the morning. Early. You can take the bed tonight,”

"Red?"

"Max."

You nodded. “I had the bed last time,”

“It’s fine. I’ll take the couch. Or the fold out.”

You didn’t want to argue, so you just nodded again, taking another mouthful. Was he hungry like you? Did he feel it growing inside him like you did? Was it normal?  You wanted to ask but talking about eating was still something you weren’t used to, despite your best efforts.

Washing the dishes in warm water felt nice on your hands. It was good to help. Eddie dried and put everything away.

“You can have a shower if you want. If you can do it in the dark,” Eddie offered. He showed you where everything was, then handed you a clean towel. “S’alright if you leave the door open for light. I won’t spy or anything.”

The bed was comfortable and clean, unlike the cowboy’s. Sleep felt so close. Real actual rest. It wouldn’t come though. You knew Eddie was awake in the next room. He was quiet for a while, probably reading by moonlight. He began to toss and turn like you. Your heart rate picked up when you heard the squeak of the couch and the soft padding of Eddie walking down the hall.

“You awake?” he whispered, paused at the open door.

“Yeah,” you whispered back.

Eddie moved through the darkness, getting into bed with you without saying another word. Before you could will your body to unfreeze or think of much at all, he had wriggled closer to you, spooned himself into your back. As he spoke, you could feel his breath on the back of your neck.

“This okay?”

“Yeah,” you answered, but your voice sounded different. It caught you off guard, but Eddie was too on the cusp of sleep to notice.

He put an arm around you, pulled you closer to him. Not having to do anything, decide anything, made it easy. You melted into the mattress and into Eddie like it was the thing your body was born to do.

…

There was a note on the kitchen bench when you woke up.

With Max. Be back soon. Be ready to leave. – E

After making sure your bag was packed and by the bedroom window, where Eddie had already put his, you went to look at the photos on the wall again. You wanted to see if there were more somewhere but you couldn’t just look through all Wayne’s things. The man you had never met was already being more of a host than he should have been.

The clock on the microwave told you it was just passed ten in the morning. You were wondering how long an overnight shift was when Eddie came tumbling through the bedroom window.

“Ready?”

“Yeah,” you said, falling in line like a soldier.

Halfway back to the van, in the middle of the little wooded area, you heard leaves crunch and twigs snap behind you.

“Eddie!” a voice called.

You both turned.

“Shut up. Shhhh,” Eddie warned, stepping back towards the red-haired teenager.

She rolled her eyes and looked behind him to you. “She your girlfriend?”

“She’s my friend. What are you doing here? I told you to go to school,”

“Why? You don’t go,”

“Yeah, I’m a dumbass though. Come on, Red. Don’t do this,”

“Me?!” Max yelled. Eddie stepped closer again, frantically waving his arms in an attempt to get her to be quieter. “Oh my god. Nobody cares Eddie. You’re the one that makes this weird. Why don’t you just come home? Wayne misses you. He’s always sitting on the doorstep smoking,”

“Don’t try to fuckin’ guilt me, alright? I’m doing a fantastic job at that already.”

Max had her hands on her hips. She looked at Eddie, her face set in a frown. “You go for longer each time… You’re never here,”

“Jesus. We don’t, like, hang out? You’re a kid. You’ve got Dustin and Sinclair,”

“We broke up,”

“Okay. Fuck. Sorry. Alright? I don’t know what you want me to say,” Eddie said, completely exasperated.

Max looked like she might cry, instead she willed herself to get angry. “Do you even fucking care about anyone? You pretend you stay away so it's easier for Wayne, but it’s not. It’s not for Dustin or like, Gareth and Jeff and stuff.”

Eddie took a deep breath in and dropped his duffle bag. He clenched his fist and walked away from her. She watched him walk to a tree and lean against it, pulling every last reserve of patience he had.

You remembered what it was like to be Max’s age. Everything felt personal. Everything felt like abandonment. So, when she said, “And whose van is that, Eddie?” you understood her need to provoke.

Eddie knew he wasn’t going to be able to make her walk away of her own free will. He closed his eyes and let the self-hate wash over him. “I’m not your brother, Max,” he said, voice low.

She looked stunned by his words, her arms falling from her hips and her scowl turning into a sad frown. Eddie turned to her, hoping she’d run, but she was strong and defiant and everything he loved her for.

“I’m sorry, Max. I told you I’d be here, I was. But I’m not your brother. I don’t owe you anything,”

“Fuck you,” she spat, utter grief in her eyes. Max turned and walked away. Both you and Eddie knew that she was crying.

Eddie picked up his bag and began the walk back to the van. It was parked on the side of the road, a little less hidden away than last night.

You jumped into the front passenger seat and carefully moved a McDonalds take away bag to the floor.

“That’s for you,” Eddie mumbled.

“Thanks,” you replied, voice equally quiet.

He started up the van and pulled a u-turn, heading to what appeared to be the town centre. You’d figured Eddie would want to get as far away from Hawkins as possible, but apparently not. Staying silent, you are your breakfast and looked out the window and tried to imagine Eddie’s life in the small town.

Going passed a shopping mall and turning into a residential area, Eddie slowed down. He looked like he was searching for something or someone. When he clocked you watching him out the corner of your eyes, he said, “Found some weed in the trailer. I know someone always looking to buy. Figure we could make a quick buck, get supplies, then blow this joint.”

You nodded and smiled. We.

Eddie pulled up to a house that seemed pretty innocuous, except for the most outlandish swan statue smack-bang in the front yard. It wasn’t even a water feature or fountain. He looked over at you to find your brow set in a frown, a look of judgemental confusion on your face.

“Is that for me or the swan?”

“What?”

“Your face,” he said.

“It’s hideous.”

Eddie snorted a little laugh. “No accounting for taste, I guess. Wait here.”

He was in and out within five minutes. When he got back behind the wheel, Eddie handed you a wad of cash. “You’re the bank,” he said.

You took the money and held it in your hands while he circled the block and headed back the way you came.

“Here,” and he handed you his wallet. “How much do we have?”

The total amount of cash – yours, his, and the newly acquired drug money – was not bad. Eddie seemed happy with it, so you did too.

“There’s a thrift store on the other side of town. It’s big. Got like, camping shit. There’s a gas station just down from it,”

“Sounds good.”

You could tell he wanted to say something. Maybe about Max. The tap tap tapping of his rings on the steering wheel. His other hand brought to his lips, running his knuckles along them. They were giveaways that he wasn’t settled.

Deciding to risk it, you asked, “How’d Max do?”

“What?”

“In the driving lesson. Will she pass her test?”

Eddie nodded. “Yeah. If she can drive this, then she can drive anything.”

It felt like the conversation was about to die. “She seems smart. She’ll pass,”

“She is… Really fucking smart. Too smart… Deserves a scholarship or whatever, you know? Deserves better than Hawkins and everything that’s happened to her.”

They were nice things to say about someone. Nobody would have ever said them about you.

“I’m sorry… you had to see all that,” Eddie said then.

“It’s okay,”

“Nah, it’s not. I hate saying shit like that to her. I just don’t know how to make her stop… Her brother died last year… Fuck. It was a really shitty thing to say.”

You shrugged. “You couldn’t just tell her the truth?”

Eddie gave you a look of utter disbelief. “The truth?”

“Yeah, okay…” You shook your head. “Probably not the truth,”

“Probably not,” he repeated sarcastically.

“Anyway… Do you think maybe… if there’s time and there’s a good place for it, maybe you could teach me to drive too?”

Eddie grinned. “Am I taking you to prom too? Buying you a little red corsage?”

You quickly turned away, desperate for him not to see the embarrassment on your face.

“I’m sorry. Yes, Y/N. I will teach you to drive. But first, let’s get the supplies, ‘kay?”

Turning back, you smiled happily.

The thrift store provided a single mattress that just fit into the back of the van, a significant improvement on cardboard and old carpet. Pillows and blankets. A few more books. Other things deemed useful by Eddie.

After the gas station, you felt prepared to take on the world, or at least hit the highway and drive off into the sunset. Eddie had one last stop to make.

Half an hour or so outside of Hawkins’ city limits, you sped past an industrial farm. You didn’t catch the sign, unaware of the fact the place meant anything. Then, a mile or less down the road, Eddie pulled over and cut the engine.

You watched him readjust the rearview mirror and unbuckle his seatbelt.

“I worked there last summer for a week. They’re dumb as shit – all the cash from the café just stays in the register,”

“What is it?”

“Farm, mostly. Corn and soybeans. And pig slaughterhouse.”

“There’s a café in a slaughterhouse?”

“For staff, ‘cause it’s outside of town.” Eddie checked the time on his watch, then settled into his seat. “Better get comfy, got a couple hours before everyone’s out of there.”

You undid your seatbelt and climbed into the back. As you were pulling The Lord of the Rings out, an image of Eddie slitting the throat of a piglet flashed in your mind.

“Eddie?”

“Yeah?”

“Which part did you work in?”

He was rolling the window down, and suddenly you became acutely aware of the smell of fear and death. You knew it should have made you feel sick, but it didn’t.

“Started with the pigs. The pay is good because not everyone is cut out for it… But, ah… It wasn’t the killing part. That’s quick. It was everything else… The way they’re stuck in these shitty little pens just waiting to die. It fucked me up. Got all…” Eddie rolled his hand through the air as he searched for a way to put it. “In my head. Next day they tried to put me out in the fields but it turns out I’m too pasty white for that too… Spent the rest of the week washing dishes in the café. Quit on the Friday. But it’s how I know about the cash.”

You didn’t ask any more questions, just got back into your seat and started to read out loud from the bookmarked point.

…

You stopped reading for a late lunch slash early dinner. Halfway through, Eddie heard your stomach growl.

“You know you have to eat,”

“I am,” you said with a mouthful of peanut butter coated apple.

“S’not what I mean… Whatever… this is… We have to feed it.”

You thought about it. “What do you think happens if we don’t?”

“Honestly? I don’t wanna know.”

When the food was packed away, you both laid back on the mattress. It was too quiet, only the white noise of cornstalks and bugs beyond the metal walls of the van.

“What were you doing before we met?” you asked, carefully selecting a question you thought Eddie would answer.

“Nothing in particular,”

“How do you make money to live off?”

“Farm work, sometimes. Not really made for it though. It’s boring. Stealing is easy, once you’ve learnt. Whenever I’m back here I can usually get cut into some deals. Move some product out the state or whatever,” he answered. He knew you were building up to bigger questions, but he was curious about you too.

“When did you start living like this?”

“It’s been a while…”

“What made you wanna leave Hawkins in the first place?”

Eddie hesitated. “Pass,” he said.

“What are you gonna do once we get to my dad?”

He looked over at you. “What do you mean?”

“Well… Like… Are you just going to drop me off and… keep doing this or…”

“Guess that depends on if we find him. What we find out.”

You were pleased with that answer. It felt hopeful.

“Why’d you eat the babysitter?” he asked then.

“I don’t know… I was a baby… I just did it,”

“Okay… What about the next time? And the ones after that?”

It was only a question but you felt so accused. You wanted to be able to say ‘I can’t help’ it and mean it sincerely, but you knew that would never get passed Eddie’s bullshit detector.

“I… I don’t know,” you answered, words bouncing on shaky breath. “I can’t… I can’t control it,”

“Yes, you can,” Eddie said definitively. “If you couldn’t, you’d have eaten Andy,”

“That was different, I was distracted,”

“I don’t think it was,”

“What are you trying to do? What do you want me to say? That I’m a monster? That I enjoy being like this? That I just fucking love eating people?” You sat up, pulled your legs up into yourself defensively.

Eddie folded his arms under his head and looked over at you. His composure remained. “I’m just trying to get to know you… See if you’re… like me,”

“I don’t… I don’t know what that means. Like you how?”

Desperately, Eddie wanted to know if you felt conflicted like he did. Did you go screaming to the far end of self-hate, wishing you’d never been born and seeking oblivion, only to roll into the euphoria of eating? The undeniable high that came with the taste of the itty-bitty parts of the body like the pituitary gland. Sucking marrow from bone. Ripping fat from flesh. Did you feel it too? Because Eddie did. The frenzy. Swallowing. Feeling the person in him for days after. He felt like some kind of new superhero.

Eddie shrugged. “Doesn’t matter.”

You could see that it did.

Five painfully silent minutes went by. Eddie had closed his eyes and rested, while you sat looking around the van awkwardly.

The sun had begun to set and when you looked out the window, the industrial farm loomed dark and ominous on the horizon.

“Is it time?” you whispered.

Eddie sat up. “As good a time as any.”

The cornfield between the van and the farm provided the best cover. The dirt beneath your feet was unstable, making it hard to follow Eddie with any grace. The feeling of anxiety grew the closer to the buildings you got. When you started to hear the distressed pigs, you regretted coming. Eddie hadn’t asked if you wanted to stay back; even if he had, you wouldn’t have chickened out.

On the edge of the cornfield, Eddie surveyed.

“There’s not like, guards or anything?”

“Yeah, two guys. Mick stays in the office. Gets blazed and sleeps most of the night. That’s his truck there. The other guy is pushing fuckin’ eighty. Can’t hear for shit… Come on.” Eddie held out his hand, you took it without thought.

Keeping to the shadows, you rounded a couple of the buildings until you came to one that looked newer than the others. Eddie picked the lock and you crept inside. Down a few hallways, you went by rooms filled with lockers and doors marked with names of men like Dennis Hurn and Robert White. The double doors to the café were unlocked.

You kept your eyes set on the doors once inside, listening to Eddie jimmy open the cash register and empty it. Suddenly, his hands were on you, putting folded notes and coins in your pockets.

“You want some chocolate milk?” he whispered into your ear.

Turning around, you watched him rummage through the kitchen for a bag, then fill it with drinks from the fridge and any food in reach.

“Alright, let’s go.”

When you got back outside, you both gasped at the light of a torch coming around the building. Eddie grabbed you by the wrist and pulled you in the opposite direction. He tried every door, eventually getting lucky.

It was a barn, eternally bright with pale blue lights above pig pens. Some of the creatures were asleep, some stood staring into the void.

“We’ll let him pass and go back,”

“Can’t we just go through the field and circle around?” you asked, keeping your voice as low as his.

Eddie shook his head. “Too easy to get lost out there in the dark. There’s a reason Stephen King writes about cornfields. We’ll just wait.”

Eddie walked down the centre of the pens and up a staircase leading to a small loft. He sat on the edge, letting his legs dangle over. You sat next to him, sides pressed together.

“You hear the music?” he asked, to which you nodded. “It’s meant to keep them calm.”

The pigs below you smelt like fear. “It doesn’t,”

“I know… I’d let them out but they’d either die out there or get rounded back up… Don’t wanna give them false hope.”

You looked at Eddie as he watched the pigs, how his eyebrows were pinched together in sadness and the lights were mirrored in his eyes like stars.

“What did you mean? Like you how?”

He sighed, looking down into his lap. Eddie took one of your hands, clasping both of his around it.

“We’re… bad. But… I think you love this as much as I do.”

You had never felt more alive.

Eddie’s mouth was on yours, and you didn’t know how to kiss but it didn’t matter. His tongue felt both slimy and like velvet and as soon as you tasted it, you imagined what it would feel like everywhere else on your body. You stopped being able to breathe but you had always wanted to die so you thought, let it be, let it be death by romance, death by being seen, being known, being understood, being loved.

End Note: *Those two lines are from page 130 of the novel. It’s perfect imagery that didn’t need to change.

For people that have read the book, PLEASE feed my praise kink – whenever you see a sneaky reference or line that I have used in a different way to its original context, tell meeee. I am literally writing this with the novel next to me and my film notes on the other side. I'm thriving.

Fic Taglist: @harrys-tittie @azydrateanatomy @pussy-drunk @mrsdollardog

All Eddie Taglist: @solomons-finest-rum @ruinedbythehobbit @munsonlives @sweetpeapod @depressooo-expressooo-blog @thorfemmes @hawkins-high @corrodedhawkins @grungegrrrl @lilzabob @mymoonisalways-in-scorpio @averagemisfit03 @ches-86 @ilovecupcakesandtea @onehotgreasymechanic @hazydespair @lacrymosa-24 @mel-the-fangirl

[mr-m-murdock]

could i hv hcs for buckynat as parents

like how they decide they want kids, adopt them, both of them w babies xx

| natasha x bucky |

warnings: none

a/n: yeah babey

okay so kids are a big BIG deal. especially with the lives nat and bucky have and have had, so this is not a flippant suggestion, right?

WRONG - bucky turns over in bed at five in the morning: nat's half-asleep. he pokes her cheek and says 'you wanna have a baby?'

(she pushes him off the bed and throws his pillow down on top of him once she's gotten over the shock)

okay but then aside from that, the discussion they must have about this child. the measures they must put in place to keep her safe before they even adopt her. the emotions she elicits from the both of them (fierce protection, practically feral. buckynat parents are INTENSE about this child). obviously regular missions are out of the question now: that baby is not going to be left alone for the rest of her life

i feel like nat decides after bucky does. but it’s not like she needs persuading. it’s more like she’s weighing it up with an endpoint already in mind. like she’s trying to repent before she can let herself have one good beautiful thing that she was told she would never deserve and could never handle and that would only confound her ability to function. she just has to convince herself she’s good enough.

and then they get another one. and omg the UNCLES. steve. sam SAM OH MY GOD. tony, but he's not allowed alone with either of the kids until they're at least five. he resents this. RHODEY. clint oh my god clint. him and sam take them to like paintballing and laser quest and archery ranges and teach them such questionable skills - 'you wanna learn how to pick a lock, little romanoff?' cue bucky telling clint he’s banned from their house until the new year (unseriously. bucky loves clint but will never admit it)

the aunts THE AUNTS. sharon's terrible with children but they love her anyway - she's fun to annoy plus she gives them money every time she comes round. maria - you wouldn't think it but she's great with them. she plays with them non stop, allows them to climb her like a tree, disguises healthy food by cutting vegetables into little shapes like stars. she's a blessing. melinda may is the no nonsense but secret softie one and the kids get through to her before too long

okay bucky with a baby. bucky with a goddamn baby. he holds that thing like he's afraid if he squeezes even a little it'll snap in half. he changes the kids when they're little with SO MUCH care and precision. he's slave to their every whim and demand and he LOVES IT. they fall asleep on top of him while he's watching tv. they drool on his chest & he doesn't care. they sit on him and brush his hair. he does the 'here comes the aeroplane' thing with them EVERY. MOUTHFUL. nat rolls her eyes but in reality she finds him too endearing to verbalise it.

bucky barnes father of the year is all I'm saying

natasha is different but no less loving OBVIOUSLY. she’s very serene with the kids when they’re babies, opposite to bucky who is all smiles and babytalk. they fall asleep quicker when nat’s around and as they get older they beg her every night to read to them (because duh her voice) and sometimes she sings as well. when bucky’s cooking she’s playing with them and she makes up the most extravagant and imaginative games

and of course the kids love their ‘aunts’ and ‘uncles’ but they love it best of all when they can go home and sleep it off in nat’s arms with bucky’s cooking wafting through the door and inciting the loveliest dreams (he’s an amazing cook shut up)

*wipes away tears*

[katyspersonal]

...

Guys, I did not... expect this. When I saw so many nice messages, I think my heart jumped. I feel slightly out of touch from reality (in a positive way though) because this is... a lot of support I hadn’t realised, and it is hard to find words, I just... *jumps into a well where shark giants are*

sdfjhfdhds okay okay for real though, thank you very much; I do not deserve all this, especially because in that post I did forget to address the fact that it was not only insult to me but to my fans too (my bad, I felt a bit emotional). But I am thankful for each of these. ;-; It feels like that one moment in an anime where the character feels weak and struggles, and then the characters he’s helped along the way all come to encourage him to keep going - except instead of help it was just lore posts that some people found fun and/or useful dhfshds xD

I am very happy to have all this, thank you very much. It is just hard to verbalise how it felt to open my ask box and find THIS.

[misswoozi]

Look! I feel like some idol producers and leaders, like Woozi / Suga/ Rm/ Bang Chan/ Hongjoong/Taeyong and etc, work so damn hard, until exhaustion sometimes. Although I would consider them care givers, I also think they want and need a care giver too! Someone who they don’t have to tell, because for fucks sake they won’t, they need something like a hug or a warm meal .

Imagine the happiness on this guys, when their partner just shows up at the studio with a warm meal, or when they hug them while they’re still sitting on their chair and their heads fall into the chest and the partner gives them a kiss on the head. Most of the times they are big spoons but when they’re tired or just emotional, they want to be the little spoons without even have to verbalise it, they just want to feel the warmth and someone telling them “You are doing amazing, but you have to rest. Okay, love? I love you!” . -SWA

OP, THIS IS AMAZING BECAUSE MY ALL TIME FAVORITE SHIP TROPE IS "the leader who takes care of the band + the member who takes care of the leader" and some of my all-time favorite pairings fit into that mold:

Suho/Chanyeol

Solji/Hyerin

Mingyu/Coups

Sowon/Yerin

Jihyo/Momo

I love that you love a similar dynamic 😭 The hard-working caregivers deserve the same love, compassion and support that they give!

[coinofsilver]

random harvey dent things no one asked for:

has rows and rows of jazz records stored in the shelves beneath his TV. most of them american, a lot of them purely instrumental but the most prized pieces in his collection are a couple of ethio-jazz records; he becomes overly excited if you ask about them.

if you run your fingers over the back of harvey’s scalp, right down the middle, you can feel a twelve stitch scar beneath all of that dark hair. 

harvey is a huge flirt. he defaults to filtration a lot of times when he wants to change the subject. some people feel they need to overcompensate through humour, harvey just does this.

he’s not good at keeping healthy long-lasting relationships. has a bit of an issue being vulnerable and a bigger issue verbalising negative emotions.

at the bar he only drinks beer or whiskey.

harvey is aware of his issue with gambling; if he is around a casino, he’ll remove himself as quickly as possible because he knows that he doesn’t know when to stop. 

he becomes extremely irritable and panicked if he can’t find his lucky coin. it is harder for him to regulate his emotions without it.

he is......suspicious of the rich and powerful. harvey is always ready to assume the worst about those who come from money.

but mr. dent is also fair. if you prove to have good intentions and if you are consistent in your attempts at doing the right thing, then you’ll win yourself a supporter for life ( maybe some rich people do deserve rights ).

[fairycosmos]

my ex and i broke up 2 months ago bc he couldnt go back to being in a monogamous relationship with me (he thinks hes poly), and he wants to stay friends, im not sure i can do that though. i still love him and im so so angry at him for breaking yet another promise. we had been together off and on for almost 7 years since i was 15 and he was 18. he promised me it would actually work this time and i like a big idiot actually believed his bullshit. i dont know whether i want to stay friends with him, i know my feelings arent going anywhere as easy as his do and ive never felt rage this hard. i hope he feels like shit for fucking me over for the rest of his life and i hope a day comes when he wants me back and i can hurt him by saying no and he won't ever be able to get over me. i dont know whether i hate him or love him anymore im just so angry and hurt.

hey, i'm so sorry to hear this. i think everything you're feeling is completely justified - like it is literally an incredibly understandable reaction in every single way. i think your ex is asking a lot of you by just assuming that it'd be easy for you to stay friends. of course, that would be convenient for him, but the reality of the situation is that you are hurt and the dynamic has changed massively, and that is the result of his own missteps in the relationship. what he's dealing with now is the consequences of letting you down, and you don't have to feel bad about that. it's alright not to know if you're going to be able to remain friends with him yet, you don't have to know. it should become clearer with time, and whatever the answer is, is acceptable. there's no wrong one. it's natural to need both time and distance to sort your head out and process what has happened at this stage.

i think it's possible to love someone and be incredibly angry and disappointed in them at the same time, i also think it's possible to love someone and get over them with time. neither of those positions are easy or straightforward to be in, obviously, in fact they're infinitely frustrating - and i can't imagine the sort of emotional hell you must be dealing with right now - but i just want to kind of stress that there is a way forward, even if it's not necessarily the one you want. since you both want different things from love anyway, he's probably not able to give you the future you're dreaming of with him anyway. i guess what i really want to say that it's fine to put yourself, and your own needs first. if you don't think you can handle being around him at this point, you don't have to. take all the time and distance you want, and then check in with yourself in a few weeks/months/whatever to see if anythings changed. also just a sidebar - do you have anyone you trust to talk to about this like friends, a close family member etc? it's easy to feel overwhelmed by all of these negative emotions at the best of times, but especially if you don't have anyone to verbalise your pain too, to seek comfort from. i'd really recommend opening up to those around you about what you're going through, if you're looking for a way to make it feel a little more bearable. it's a very difficult thing to do in the moment, but i doubt you'll regret it. sending a lot of love your way. you deserve the world. x