#not high anymore so i do need to tag this or my ocd will hold me at gunpoint

[matbaynton]

i mean i did write that chris/joe petplay fic where chris literally makes him sit n stuff i have also Gone There before and approve thoroughly of going there

those tags weere very heavily inflienced from that fic actuslly😌😌😌😌😌🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🦴🦴🦴🦴🦴

[matteredloyaltyaa]

                                                       NAV.

                GOOGLE DOC (RULES/ABOUT/VERSES).

                                         PLOTTING FORM.                                             HEADCANONS.                                                   WISHLIST. 

Tumblr mobile friendly version of my rules under the read-more.

DISCLAIMER:

I do not claim to own or have created this character, though the headcanon posts you see here are of my own interpretation of this character and events. I am private and selective, meaning that I only write with mutuals (those who I follow and who follow me in return), and tend to watch who I follow back and/or write with for my own comfort. However, my askbox is open to everybody if you wish to talk to me or the character on this blog, but I may not answer everything put in there.

PASSWORDS:

Due to my social anxiety, I don't have a password in these rules, nor do I send them in. I read everybody's rules and pages before following and usually before interacting.

ACTIVITY:

This is my main blog, which means that I am on it most of the time. However, I do suffer from some mental disorders, namely anxiety, depression, and OCD. These tend to affect how I interact ooc and can make me overly distant sometimes, and it's usually nothing anybody has done to me but my own mind running off on it's own about things. So, I do apologize for that. I may be absent from blogs during bad periods or make a couple posts here and there that I always delete after an hour or two stating that I'm in a bad way. Everything will be tagged.

HIGH HONOR: 

Please note that I base my characterization off my raw play of this game, in which Arthur is HIGH HONOR and you may see more of that toward the end of his main verse. However, I still play him as a morally grey individual, especially as he’s trying to find his own mind on things in a way, but ultimately he leans more toward honorable moral choices (or what are considered honorable for the life he leads). He will do both good and bad things. At his point in time, I’m not exactly leaning towards adding a low honor verse, as his portrayal within the fandom has turned me off completely and after playing that route myself, I don’t really see much reason to. However, that may change if I end up finding a way to put a spin to that.

BLOG & PERSONAL TRIGGERS: 

Please note that I don't have many triggers myself outside of suicide and overly anxiety inducing content (jumpscares, purposely paranoia inducing posts, etc). 

There are some themes that I would like to avoid writing about in detail or at all. Namely, I WILL NOT write out anything like incest (the John/Arthur ship tends to fall into this category for me, along with Arthur/Dutch and Arthur/Hosea, so I will say that it's a NOTP for me), abuse (outside of mentions in regards to backstory, all forms), pedophilia, and rape. Also, I should note on a personal side that pregnancy can make me a little uncomfortable due to some gender stuff with me. I don't mind mentioning it, nor do I mind parental relationships when it comes to Arthur and sometimes outright adopting children in certain verses, but threads and interactions solely based off pregnancy can make me uncomfortable. It's difficult to explain but I would like to avoid it. Really, when in doubt, just ask.

This blog does and may contain triggering material, due to the nature of this game and the character. The biggest ones that will be present here are violence, guns/shooting, crime, and illness. I should also note that, due to the fact that this game takes place in 1899, there may be some triggers related to the views of this time period. Arthur himself is rather progressive and doesn't hold those views himself, but that doesn't mean the people around him don't and may be referenced in threads. Everything will be tagged as I catch it and where needed.

SPOILERS: 

This game has been out for at least a year now. I will not be tagging for spoilers anymore, so please follow or read at your own risk if you are working through the game for the first time.

WRITING, SPEED, and NSFW:

My general writing style is paragraph/paragraphs. I don't mind one-liners but I usually only reserve those for starters that I’m writing and I tend to expand on the length of those as I go. I format my posts, mostly just some minimal spacing, small text (not sub), and all-caps words, bold, and italic usage. If this bothers anybody or makes it hard to read, please let me know and I can continue our thread in a non-formatted way. I also use icons, but I will follow my partner's lead on iconless rps. I can also be a little long-winded with my replies but you aren't obligated to match that. As long as I don't get like three sentences back to five paragraphs, we're all good.

I'm a slow rper. It may take me a day or two to get around to things, both asks, threads, and messages. I don't mind a nudge here and there but if it feels like you're pressuring me, I will warn you and block if it continues.

I'm 24, the muse is 36 in his main verse. We are both over the age in regards to nsfw. Smut is kind of rare for me and I don't do it often on Tumblr, however if we're in a ship and you want to write that over Discord, I may be open to it. That said, too, I will ONLY write nsfw with people and muses who are OVER 18. There is no exception to this. That noted, too, Arthur's in his 30's so a massive age gap may not appeal to him much either.

SHIPPING: 

I’m going to sound like a hardass but: I am a highly selective shipper on here, and the ships that do appear on this blog are ones I have had for quite some time. Everything of a romantic nature will need to be discussed with me and the chemistry has to be there for me to agree to shipping. I’m not an insta-shipper, nor am I accepting to pre-established romantic relationships outside of those in canon. They will need to be discussed with me like every other ship and may be subject to me disagreeing to do it. Otherwise, I am multi-ship, despite being highly selective, and I’m fine with discussing them but please be aware of this.

FOLLOWING, DRAMA, AND DUPLICATES: 

I will usually give someone a day or two of active posting after following before I unfollow if I don't receive one back. I don't mean anything personal by that, I'm simply making sure I don't accidentally like or send anything in if we aren't mutuals. That said, too, I am selective with who I do follow. If you're a sideblog and you don't have that blog easily accessible on your main blog or you don't message me about it, I'm likely going to miss it. I don't follow rp blogs that are run more like personals if only to keep my dash slower. Also, generally, if our writing styles don't mesh, you're rude to me, or you post nasty things, I will likely unfollow/block/or not follow back.

I don’t interact with or reblog callout posts. I don't have great patience with ooc drama and will likely unfollow if there is a lot of it being posted by you.

Following and being followed by duplicates (other Arthurs) is completely fine with me. However, with the mentality sometimes, I won't go out of my way to follow first if only to avoid making anybody uncomfortable by me doing so. I'm also non-exclusive for general interactions, so multiples of the same character I am fine with. I may take mains, however, which means these blogs get priority over plots and focus in headcanons, etc.

CROSSOVERS AND ORIGINAL CHARACTERS: 

I'm crossover friendly so long as I know the character/fandom. That said, if I just can't get into it or make it fit, I won't force it.

I love original characters and you guys are cool with me, however I do need to see at least some stats or a verse we can interact in before I follow/follow back. I'm also fine with your OC knowing Arthur in their backstory but, again, romantic stuff needs to be talked over with me first.

STARTER CALLS: 

I've found that I don't enjoy doing starter calls. I may do them here and there when the urge strikes, but the best way to interact with me is to message me or continuing memes sent or sent to me. I'm also more than happy to like other starter calls, too, if you want to throw them my way.

QUESTIONS?: 

No. Go away. >:(

I’m kidding. Just drop me a message, I’ll get back to you. I also have a Discord available to mutuals, if that’s what you prefer. I promise I’m not as much as a hard ass as these rules make me seem.

ABOUT THE MUN: 

Hey! Thank you for reading these if you do. A little introduction here: my name is Rory, I'm 25, Canadian and operate mostly out of the GMT-7 time zone. Though, I tend to post at odd hours so that may not be too noticeable. I'm nonbinary and I prefer they/them. I'm a full time university student, which means that I may disappear when studies pile up or my time is divided. That said, I do enjoy talking to people when I'm able. My IMs and Discord are always available to mutuals, just drop me a message.

[shattered-catalyst]

So this  isnt for anything other than just to say what happened just so I feel heard and I can explain why I cant be as energetic and socially active on here. Its not a callout post or to be reblogged/shared by people. Its not to get anyone in trouble or to cause any reaction. It’s just for me to let it out and reclaim this space again. Its been a year since it happened and I guess I’m just still noticing how badly it has impacted my PTSD. How much its changed me as a person both online and off, and this isnt a woe as me thing either this is just me feeling a need to be heard and explain my own behavior over the year and also to make one simple request of you guys: no matter what you do, always treat your rp partners as people first and writers second.

Because I feel myself becoming bitter and that isnt who I am and I dont want to be someone like that. Or like this. I want to be me again

The person who did this wont be named mainly because they dont deserve it and yall dont need to know. Their behavior when I confronted them more than cements the impression that they dont see any harm in what they said and how they reacted. And again this isnt about them though In A Way I suppose it is? it takes two to tango but it takes one to encourage someone to kill themselves.

This is going to be long because I need to inform on the activity that lead up to this  because it didnt just happen over night- though in a way it did. But you need a better picture of this person because apparently they present a really great face that only a few of us see the manipulative and toxic side of.

This person was always very judgemental and hyper critical. I witnessed a lot of very negative and toxic behavior from them but I was naive and just hoped they would mature as they grew older and gained more independence. I thought it was just a toxic friend group and that perhaps she would recognize her self destructive and immature behavior and grow from it. 

My first red flag should have been when they accused me of being their ex girlfriend SOLELY because I was living in PA. I hate to break it to yall, but PA is a big ass state and has a lot of comic book loving ladies. Thankfully I have never met this person IRL and I hope I never do.

They tried to pull me into making fun of other muns on discord, including mocking sensitive pictures from a mun’s personal blog. I blatantly said it wasnt okay and made me uncomfortable and she continued laughing and making jokes about it with her friend group on discord. She kept trying to pull me into it no matter how often I tried to change the subject.

Her group of friends also did this thing where one of them would go interact with a mun an they would take screenshots of the convo and share it with the group and mock the mun they were interacting with. Whether it be their presentation of character/grahics/writing style/ etc.

The other red flags I ignored? How much she complained and mocked other muns and compared them to me; if anyone did anything or said anything she disagreed with it was an instant blow up. She took EVERYTHING personally including other people writing the same characters she did, having differing headcanons, not knowng obscure details about canon, etc.

She once tried to make fun of a new writing partner I had who was writing the same character, and I had to break it to her that this new person could write in her first language if she wanted to; im being very vague but let me just say if you and your character have the same first language and you want to write in it then its completely WRONG for a white mun to try and make fun of you for it.

She once suggested I had stolen pictures off her pinterest when she sent me a moodboard request for my character. Jokes on her I didnt even know she HAD a pinterest and I had gotten all my pictures from the ‘green aesthetic’ tag on tumblr. Which I told her but she kept pushing the idea on me I had stolen them. I of course dismissed this and put it on the back burner despite the alarm bells going off.

This hyper critical and paranoid behavior continues with everything from other canon blogs making similar head canons/ vaguely similar graphics/ to fanfiction authors having similar head canons/plot ideas.

My penname Citrus? I didnt want one. I didnt want it. She demanded I have a pen name and if not she was going to call me Cat. Now as yall know I dont like being enmeshed with my muse so I keep myself separate from them. I didnt like being called Cat and I told her that explicitly. She kept doing it. So I had to make a pen name because she refused to respect my boundaries.

When the Deadpool movie came out she DEMANDED I change my FC to reflect the movie Despite Not Changing Hers to reflect her own characters new look - which might i add is fat erasure. It was clear then that the rules and standards she held other people to didnt apply to herself. I was labeled problematic for not giving into her demands to change FCs (which I have a literal logical reason for not changing and im not explaining that here)

So I shouldve left. Long story short I didnt because every friendship I’d been in until around this time had been abusive and toxic. I thought this was all normal behavior for people to have and I was convinced I was just being critical of someone elses opinions/ insensitive etc. Thanks to my colleagues in graduate school and to several of you on here I learned that ‘hey dumbass friends dont treat your ass like this’.

Im leaving a lot out about the shit she did/said to me but those snippets give you an idea of things.

Leading up she decided to leave fandom and asked we didnt talk about marvel I said cool okay and didnt talk about marvel with her. If I did I would ask first if she was okay if we talked about one small aspect I thought might excite her/ she would like to know about but it wasnt often that happened because she began ghosting me. Hard. She stopped replying to me at all over discord when I would try and talk to her how we used to about our lives. She didnt answer any asks for munday or character development, in fact she blatantly ignored me.

I checked in a couple times with her to make sure I hadnt done anything to make her uncomfortable and she said no. May I emphasize she said no here. Im emphasizing it right now. She said no. She said everything was fine. So when I was like hey dude this is super triggering for me can you send me like a hi every once in awhile just so I can know we’re okay because its super triggering for me. Yall know what she did? She ‘lmao’-ed. she thought that was hecka funny. Yeah triggering ‘Citrus’ is hilarious isnt it? No it isnt and I shouldve cut her ass off right then and there.

Heres where shit gets confusing: she kept fucking talking about marvel to me. Id get messages at random times about marvel and then silence for weeks. I vividly remember during this period I was cleaning the museum vault and she kept messaging me about her marvel fc’s and how she wouldnt get a plotline and how characters were wrong etc.

I remember being REALLY confused because she had said NO MARVEL. But here she was bitching at me about marvel. In fact thats all she did when she did talk to me. Which was only like three or four times during the ghosting time period. She’d bitch about marvel and then vanish.

Shed make claims about not watching her dash and thats why she never responded to me/ interacted with me. She’d say she wasnt talkng to anyone while I see her on the dash TALKING TO PEOPLE and Id like to point out Ive told her I would be fine ending anything as long as she let me know.

but she followed me on every blog and throughout this time period she made and followed me on numerous ones. She kept reaching out sporadically to bitch about her fcs/how horrible marvel was/ and thats it. 

It was extremely confusing because if someone doesnt want to talk to me I assume they will; 1. unfollow 2. block 3. say goodbye 4. ghost and stay ghosted.

Not cycle through behavior rapidly. I asked her a few times if we were good and that I was confused and I got another ‘lmao’ reaction so I assumed we were good. At this point I still have no idea what was going on/ what message I was supposed to be receiving other than confusion.

So following this is heavily suicide tw and I encourage you not to read this part and to scroll down until the suicide tw is over which is highlighted in bold- if you’re triggered by that because I care about those who follow my blog.

So thats when this shit happened. I had tried reaching out to her on a different fandom platform to try and maintain the friendship. Because she said numerous times that we were friends. So like I reached out thinking maybe she just didnt want a marvel blog period.  It wasnt too long after that that she suicide baited me.

I was in a really bad place and had been for awhile and when I posted about how the only thing holding me on was the new comic coming out and specifically said “im seriously suicidal and this comic is the only thing giving me hope #idk what to do anymore ”. I was surprised when she liked the post.

I was three steps into a four step plan. I had everything but the method planned out and was just waffling along with that. Because yknow its complicated and you do it you make it count amiright. Right. I was in a fucked up place. I had just realized I was gay, I was horrendously depressed, I was in considerable physical pain, I was working 70 hours a week, my OCD was at an all time high and the only thing that kept me on this earth was a fucking comic book. You hold onto what you need to yknow?

WELL APPARENTLY NOT

Because this person who doesnt read her dash? This person who doesnt want to talk about anything? Liked that post where I specifically stated I was suicidal and sent me a discord message saying “dont have hope”.

Thats all it said “dont have hope”

Now I know what youre thinking but hold on because it gets worse.

I said something about being confused I dont really remember because I was pretty out of it. I do remember she kept going on about how horrible the comic would be and that it would be a piece of trash. I remember telling her I was really numb and in a bad place and couldnt feel anything. I remember her sending me screencaps and continuing to go ON AND ON about how it wasn’t worth reading.

I remember with gross intensity how someone who said they were my friend was taking away the only thing that was keeping me alive.

I dont remember how the conversation ends. I called out of work for the next three days. I was catatonically depressed and unable to really move. I didnt eat either. I went to internship, work, and school in a state of dissociation.

 I took screencaps of everything and set them aside for later. IDK what I was going to use them for but I set them in a folder on my desktop, looking back I regret what I did next; because I deleted them. I deleted them because I thought maybe she had been manic or drunk and hadn’t realized the scope of what was happening. I wanted to talk to her about it and clear things up because I believed in her. I believed there was no way she would be so callous as to do that on purpose. No way would someone try and get someone they called a friend to kill themselves. So I deleted the screencaps and my post on tumblr. I deleted all evidence to protect her and I encourage you all never to fucking do that even if you think that person misunderstood the gravity of your situation. Because if you’re wrong no ones going to believe you.

I remember shifting between intense depression and total denial.

I spent the rest of that month in and out of intense dissociative states when I wasnt in class or working with my clients.  During the middle of October my sister sent me pictures of a litter of puppies and I was like ‘well, i really need to either kill myself or make sure i dont’. I spent a few days continuing to waffle with that decision but then i remembered my mom cosigned my loans and I cant leave her with that debt because fuck we cant even afford my funeral to begin with. So I adopted a dog, I named him Julio to remind me to keep living and he finally came to me on halloween.

He was the only reason I left bed on my days off. I tried not to think about it but I did.  

I continued to spiral with heavier dissociative episodes and vivid nightmares about it.

SUICIDE TW OVER

I waited until Christmas to ask her to clarify the situation and let her know I no longer felt comfortable writing with her. I reminded her what happened and told her to check her discord if she wanted to see for herself etc.

She sent two long asks of combative, emotionally abusive, and gaslighting accusations. The first thing she did was say I needed to provide evidence if I went around making accusations like that. Then she cascaded into how I always talked about marvel *points up to where i explained what happened earlier*.  She tried gaslighting me like a champion and tried turning me into a horrible person the only problem is everything she was accusing me of doing was the shit she was doing to me. Everything. 

Even if I was bad at any time I had given her numerous chances to tell me I was overstepping a boundary- she always said no. I gave her numerous times to unfollow me if she wasnt interested in interacting with me- she never did. In fact I had unfollowed her that month because of her behavior towards me and she hadnt even noticed.

I let her know I could tell she was angry,  and that I didnt take receipts of private conversations because I believed in settling things like adults, and that if she ever wanted any proof it was all in her discord anyway. I let her know she could contact me to apologize but otherwise I didnt want her on any of my blogs and I told her the first thing she should have done wasnt demand receipts but she should have asked if I was okay. Its a real reflection of where her priorities were when she demands evidence rather than checks to see if a writing partner is okay.

Even if I did something horrible it doesnt warrant someone trying to get me to end my life. 

I was notified she put a post on her blog apologizing to her followers for being a bad friend and that she was a horrible person and ofc everyone was like ‘noooo youre perfect’ and its like ya thats not for me who hasnt followed her in months- thats to save face.

Her friends blogs kept visiting my profile and going through the month where this happened.

Everything she did and said was to save face. Her blog and her reputation are the only thing she cared about. She has never approached me to apologize or anything of the sort and I doubt she ever will. I would hope she would never do this again and I hope she has grown as a person since. That her life is better and her mother is okay, that shes happy and learning. 

 I know by posting this I will never receive an apology- then again i never expected one to begin with. I could go through all the trouble of restoring the deleted files but to be honest it isnt worth it because theres no room in my life for that type of toxicity.

Since this happened I:

I have stronger episodes of depression and dissociation since.

My PTSD has increased and I have week long spikes in anxiety attacks, depression and decreased self worth if I even see her around the rpc despite being blocked, blacklisted on xkit etc.

Have more difficulty completing basic self care tasks due to an increase in depression and a decrease in self worth.

I have nightmares about this event and her to this day a year later.

I cannot interact with the RPC how I once did as I fear seeing her on my dash or any sort of information getting back to her about me.

It took me half a year to see the character she wrote as as safe again and for awhile I couldnt even look at him without experiencing an anxiety attack.

I keep having nightmares. Its been a year and I still have nightmares about this.

I find myself having more difficulties connecting with people online especially on this blog. I’m constantly on edge when interacting with people and I feel spikes of anxiety at the merest thought of someone talking about me to her.

I find myself unable to have confidence as a writer or creator online because I have been reminder of the cement wall between oc characters and their canon counterparts.

I cannot go out and just follow anyone and be friendly and trusting with them anymore, even with people I already know. In the back of my mind is a constant reminder of how she and her friends used to check up on people and pretend to write with them/ interact with them just to take screenshots of conversations to share with the group. I have become a paranoid little bitch in the past year is what Im saying. like theres 0 need for that shit.

I blocked most of the people she interacted with simply to save myself from being triggered by her blogs/ mentions of her and that isnt fair to those people.

I remember the photo incident and how people derived such joy from mocking someones body. I can think of so many incidents of them making fun of others and I remember how that could be happening about me rn, and I wonder if anyone would stick up for me like I did for the other mun.

 I hope by posting this I can try and return to the person I was before this happened. I can try and not be so bitter and reach out again to others. That somehow I can continue working on making tumblr a safe place for me again and not a PTSD laced minefield.

I would like to remind this isnt a callout and I request if you know who this is about you dont say anything to them. This isnt for them. They have NEVER reached out to apologize for their actions. They have NEVER checked to see if I was okay after that. They have NEVER shown any remorse for encouraging me to kill myself and while I hope they’ve grown from the situation and will never do it again I doubt I will ever get closure from such an event. But i DO hope by writing this I can take this place back.

Consider this my first step towards bringing this up to a therapist.

 Consider this another step to me taking this blog back and feeling safer here; and maybe just maybe Ill make up a cool pen name for myself and own that shit.

If you’ve read this far thank you for your patience with me, and I request you always treat your writing partners like the people that they are. 

This post is not intended or written to leave this blog and therefore I request you not reblog it or share segments of it with ANYONE. If I find you have shared anything on here without my explicit permission I will block you.

‘Citrus’

[indecentpause]

Novel Prep Tag!

II was tagged by @writingmyassoff! Thank you!

Rules: Answer the questions and then tag as many writers as there are questions answered (or as many as you can) to spread the positivity! Even if these questions are not explicitly brought up in the novel, they are still good to keep in mind when writing.

I did this for The Princess and The Pirate when In the Basement, In the Sky was on hiatus, but now ITBITS is back so that’s what you get!

tw: drugs

1. Describe your novel in 1-2 sentences (elevator pitch)

Despite trying his best, an addict screws up almost everything good in his life and has to build it back up from scratch after hitting rock bottom.

2. How long do you plan for your novel to be? (Is it a novella, single book, book series, etc.)

A stand alone short novel! It’s turning out to be a little too long to call a novella.

3. What is your novel’s aesthetic?

Coffee that’s been sitting on the burner too long, cold nights alone, threadbare clothes in the middle of winter, colorful flashing lights, music so loud you can feel it in your breastbone

4. What other stories inspire your novel?

I don’t know! I’m sure there are some, but they’re in such small bits and pieces scattered around in my brain I’m not sure what they are

5. Share 3+ images that give a feel for your novel

Image source

Image source

Image source

Image source

MAIN CHARACTER

6. Who is your protagonist?

Jen Hoshigawa!

7. Who is their closest ally?

It takes a while for Jen to find him, but when he finally does, it’s Ronan. He’s the only one who won’t put up with or humor Jen’s bullshit but like. In a constructive way.

8. Who is their enemy?

Himself

9. What do they want more than anything?

He wants to be with Kylie again. :c In a good relationship, this time. It’s what drives him to do everything he does after they break up to try to prove he’s worth a second chance.

10. Why can’t they have it?

Well, currently Jen’s not sober and that’s a deal killer, but also the only way Jen has to contact Kylie is to go back to the apartment, and he’s scared if he does that Kylie will think he’s not trustworthy (or worse, will call the police).

11. What do they wrongly believe about themselves?

That he doesn’t deserve to be happy or healthy or otherwise well.

12. Draw your protagonist! (Or share a description)

GIF TIME GIF TIME

I don’t know what he’s holding but it looks like a jar of snacks??? Jen also loves snacks (that’s J-rock musician Miyavi, btw)

PLOT POINTS

13. What is the internal conflict?

Jen struggling to overcome his drug use: he’s a party drug user so he isn’t physically addicted to anything, but he mentally and emotionally relies on being high to get him through the day. Growing up. Trying to be good enough to be able to go back to his old apartment where he lived with Kylie and say, “Look, I did it. Can we try again?”

14. What is the external conflict?

Homelessness, both living on the street for a while and then living on someone’s couch until they get sick of him. Where will he go? Finding a therapist and a psychiatrist he can trust. Finding a psychiatrist who will write him the scripts he needs to function instead of just accusing him of being a drug seeker.

15. What is the worst thing that could happen to your protagonist?

Getting kicked back out on the streets in the winter cold.

16. What secret will be revealed that changes the course of the story?

If I told you it wouldn’t be a secret anymore ;)

17. Do you know how it ends?

YEP I am not totally sure how far I’m going to take the scene yet, but I know what it’s going to be.

BITS AND BOBS

18. What is the theme?

You can be better if you put in the work. Mental illness and addiction often go hand in hand. Finding companionship and compassion in unexpected places.

19. What is a reoccurring symbol?

Number patterns?? Honestly Jen just has undiagnosed OCD.

20. Where is the story set? (Share a description)

In and around Chicago, IL. The beginning takes place mostly around the nearby suburbs (where buses and trains are still easily accessible), and in the second half mostly downtown.

21. Do you have any images or scenes in your mind already?

A Lot!!

22. What excited you about this story?

I really wanted to write a story about drug users and addicts who are victims of circumstance even though they might not see it that way. I wanted to portray them in a sympathetic light, not meaning, “This is a good way to cope,” but “They’re doing the best they can with the shitty tools they’ve been given, and deserve as much compassion as anyone else.” And the potential fallout between friends when one wants to get sober and the others don’t. I have both ADHD and bipolar disorder (though Jen has depression, my depressive episodes are WAY worse than my hypomanic ones), and if I didn’t have such good support, I could have easily ended up in the same place as Jen.

23. Tell us about your usual writing method!

I just. Write stuff?

Tagging: @forlornraven @icarusatmidnight @wordsbyagremlin @lynnafred :D

[my-emotional-self]

Let Me Protect You Chapter 5/?

Pairings: Chris Evans x OFC Emilia

Word Count: 1,664

Warnings: Swearing, bullying, angst

Trigger Warnings: Self-Harm

Rating: PG-13?

Summary: After Emilia’s fiancé cheats on her, she moves to California to live with her brother Eric, who just so happens to be good friends with Chris Evans.  Follow Emilia and her roller coaster life through heartbreak, love, and emotional trauma. Will Emilia choose to let Chris into her heart, or will she remain broken and alone forever?

A/N: Alright lovelies, I did some research and I’m going to stop writing in the different character P.O.V’s after this chapter.  So this will be the last chapter from all the characters perspective, and starting with chapter 6, it will strictly be from Emilia’s P.O.V

 Chris’ P.O.V

Watching Eric and Emilia doing karaoke together is one of the best things I have ever seen.  They have such great chemistry as brother and sister, and they are so in sync with each other.  They were doing their own dance moves, and pointing to each other during their individual parts.  It had seemed as if they have been doing this for years.  

Emilia mentioned she was nervous, but I couldn’t tell.  She was a natural on stage, and had a beautiful singing voice too.  Renner and I were cheering them on and we each had our phones out, swaying them in the air back and forth to the tune.  

Once the two of them finished their song, Emilia came strutting over to us.  I scooped her up in a big hug and gave her praise over her amazing job.  

I saw she gave a disconcerting glance over my shoulder.  It happened so fast, none of us saw it coming.  The last thing I saw before Emilia went tumbling into the pool was Minka smirking at me over her shoulder as she walked passed.

Emilia’s P.O.V

One minute I’m scooped up in Chris’ arms getting that wonderful protective hug that I loved so much, and the next minute I’m sputtering up water and trying to catch my breath after resurfacing from water.

I look around as I tread water since I just so happened to be in the deep end; everyone standing around looking worried and asking if I was ok.

“I’m fine” I manage to say as I start swimming towards the shallow end.  I look up to see Chris extending his hand to help me up when I reach into my back pocket and realize I don’t have my phone on me.  

Turning around, I start walking towards the deep end of the pool again.

“Em, what are you doing?” I hear both Eric and Chris ask at the same time.

“My phone must be at the bottom of the pool, I have to get it.”

“Don’t bother Em, we’ll just get you a new one; it’s probably dead now” Eric says to me.

“It’s a Samsung Galaxy S8, it’s waterproof.”

I dive back down and open my eyes, wincing from the sting of the chlorine.  Looking at the bottom, I find my phone and grab it.  I decide to stay underwater as I swim all the way towards the shallow area.  I resurface again and head out of the pool, both Eric and Chris right there waiting for me.

“Em, seriously, are you ok? You didn’t hit your head or anything did you?” Eric asks with concern.

“I’m ok, really Eric, stop badgering me, please.  I’m not a little girl anymore, I can handle it.”

He just looks at me with sadness in his eyes, knowing exactly what I’m going through.  I went through this in high school; all four years.

“I’m just going to go change, I’ll be out in a bit” I say as I walk away and head into the guest house.

I make it as far as my bedroom door before I pause; my hand gripping the door frame for support.  And by gripping, I mean white knuckle gripping.

Memories of high school flooding into my mind and I felt like I couldn’t breathe.  My breaths becoming more and more shallow as I struggle to regain myself.  The bullying. The name calling.  The tormenting I received in high school, all rushing back to me.  It never ends.  I always thought people would grow out of that kind of behavior once they were older, but here I am, getting the brunt end of things again.  

I wanted, no, needed, to find that release.  To feel anything other than these fucking emotions coming back to me.  But I felt like I couldn’t move.  I was paralyzed; just standing in the doorway.  

I willed myself to start walking into my bathroom, staggering bit by bit.  Tears no longer being held back, but flowing freely; choking sobs breaking through my voice.  

I shut the door and make damn sure to lock it, not wanting to have anybody walk in on what I’m about to do.  I turn the shower on, to try and drown out some of the blubbering I’m doing.  

I reach into the drawer and grab my razor, hiding in the far back, wrapped in a rag I use to clean up afterwards.

I sit down against the wall and start to take off the shit ton of bracelets I have scattered across my left wrist.  

Taking the razor in my hand, I cut; deeper than I ever have before.  I feel the sudden release I was looking for and craved more.  I cut a few more lines, and sigh in relief when the deed was done.  My emotions were at an all-time high; I would have rated it 10/10.  But now they were at a more stable 4/10.  I could work with that as they wouldn’t be constantly invading my head the rest of the night.  

I hear a knock on my bathroom door and immediately freeze, razor still in my hand, and blood seeping from my recent activity.  

“Emilia, it’s me, Chris, I just came to check in on you and see if you were doing ok” he says with genuine care and concern within his voice.  

My heart breaks at who it is.  Here I am, sitting in my own blood from slicing myself like damn meat butcher, and Chris is on the other side hoping I was ok.  I didn’t deserve this kind of thoughtful attention from anyone.  Nobody should have to waste their time on me. I’m broken; not only do I not merit this kind of worry from anyone; why would anyone want to take their time out to do so?

“You really didn’t have to do that Chris, I’ll be right out, I promise.”

“Is it alright with you if I wait out here in the living room for you?”

“If that’s what you want to do Chris, I don’t mind” I say with a shaking voice.

Luckily I am OCD and plan things ahead, so I already had a pair of clean underwear, sweatpants, and a hoodie in the bathroom with me for when I was going to shower later tonight. I put everything on, and try combing out the tangled mess on me head; throwing it up into a bun afterwards. Looking at myself in the mirror one last time, I head out to the living room to meet Chris.

Chris’ P.O.V

I tried knocking on Emilia’s front door, but I didn’t get an answer.  I noticed the door was unlocked, so I walked in quietly.

“Emilia, are you in here?” I ask, hoping not to scare her.

I didn’t hear her response, so I started walking through, knowing exactly where to go.  I had live here with Eric for a few weeks before I bought the house I currently own.  

Walking into the bedroom, I see her bathroom door closed and hear the water running.  Lightly knocking on the door, I ask if she’s doing alright.

After I get her response and asking if I could wait for her, I head back the way I came and take a seat on her couch.  She has a few pictures in frames hanging up, mainly of her and Eric when they were younger. I notice she has a small table in the corner of the room; being curious, I amble over to it.

On the table there are a couple of pictures, and a wooden box.  There is one picture of a woman, and one of a dog.  The woman looks familiar as I’m pretty sure Eric has the same picture in his house; it must be their mother.  

I hear Emilia clear her throat and I turn around.  She’s dressed in sweatpants and a hoodie; her hair in a messy bun atop her head.  In my eyes, she couldn’t have looked any more beautiful.  Except her eyes were red and puffy, I wished I could take her pain away from her.  

“That is my mother, and here, is a picture of my dog.  She meant everything to me.  I had to put her down a few months ago” Emilia says as she picks up the photo of her dog.  

I knew the feeling, having to put East down a few years ago was one of the hardest things I’ve done in my life.  

“Come here” I say to her as I pull her in for a hug.  

I held her close as she wrapped her arms around my torso.  I gently rubbed my hands up and down her back, trying to sooth her.  

“Did you happen to see who did it?” Emilia asks as she still holds onto me.

“Yeah I did.”

I pull away and cup her face in my hands; using my thumbs to wipe away the few stray tears leaving her eyes.    

“It was Minka who did it. I’m so sorry Emilia; she had no right to do what she did.  She’s just jealous of you, and I wasn’t giving her any attention.”

I can see the confusion come across Emilia’s face; commotion in her eyes as she tries to find reason to what I just said.

“What do you mean jealous of me?  How could someone like her be jealous of someone like me?  I’m a nobody Chris.  Just someone who blends into the background, hiding in the corner of a crowded room.”

“You may see yourself as that way, but I surely don’t.  You are beautiful Emilia, inside and out.  Just from getting to know you these past few hours I can see you have a passionate heart, which is hard so hard to find in people these days.”

“You’re just saying that to make me feel better” she says as she backs away from me.

I hang my head in defeat, knowing it is going to take much more to convince her otherwise.

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