#not in a "I get withdrawal symptoms if I don't do this'' way but in a ''this makes me sleepy and takes off some of the edge by proxy way''

[starpros-sunshine]

My love, My darling, oh how I yearn for your warm embrace! Oh how I yearn for you sweet scent to herald the end of my trials and my tribulations.

A throbbing ache that claws at me and digs it's cold talons into my head and persists and persists and persists and persists and swallows me whole and oh how I yearn for your lovely touch to ease my pain and free me from these vultures that seem to follow me wherever I go.

You are the warm light in this cold world, the remedy to all my plights, my comfort in these lonely nights and wether it might be on those cozy autumn evenings or those calm spring mornings, your presence delights again and again and I can't help but hope that your warmth will continue bewitch me body and soul and keep me company for a long while 'till death do us part.

Yours sincerely; someone that really really enjoyed drinking his cup of Earl Grey just now and decided to write a very bad ode about it <3

[boyfhee]

﹙𝓲ssue﹚ㅤ:ㅤwiping their kissesㅤ...ㅤ( 엔하이픈 )

ㅤㅤ﹙1167﹚ ㅤ장르 fluff, est. relㅤㅤwarnings kissingㅤㅤᐢᗜᐢ as always, thank u sm for reading. pls rb and give feedback, it helps a lot ^_^ iNDEX

HEESEUNG

would do a double take, looking like a deer caught in the headlights. you do whine jokingly about him kissing you every minute, but never go as far as to wipe his kisses so it takes him a good minute to register what was happening. “did you just wipe my kiss?” would ask with eyes wide open and all, clearly in disbelief, almost convinced he did something wrong until he catches you holding back a smile and knows it's just another one of your little games. would quite literally engulf you in his arms, not letting you escape. “i'm going to kiss you until you're sick of it,”

JONGSEONG

jay wouldn't think of it so much the first time you do it, so he would kiss you again, brows furrowing in confusion when you wipe your lips the second time. “why are you wiping my kisses?” scowls when you don't respond. you're wiping his kisses and ignoring him, and he huffs in disbelief, looking away before giving you a sour look up and down. he leans in for another kiss and knows you're going to wipe it as well so he grabs your wrists, although with a gentle grip and kisses you again, this time making it more intimate, almost holding himself back from kissing you senseless and smirks when he pulls back sees your flustered expression. “that's what you get for wiping my kisses.”

JAEYUN

pouty, hurt, confused, surprised, panicked— every emotion listed in the dictionary. he's so sure he did something wrong to have you act this way and would he so hesitant to reach out to you in case he pisses you off again. “are you upset? did i do something? i'm so sorry—” yapping and it's apologies, it makes you feel bad for even pulling this prank on him. he gets even more confused when you start laughing, and then gives you that upside-down frown he does, it makes your heart melt. “you almost had me there, babe.” also makes you promise him that you won't pull anything like this again >_<

SUNGHOON

his ego is bruised, shattered to be honest, and he actually gives you the worst side eyes and mocking glares. “i guess we're not kissing anymore,” starts avoiding your every single attempt to kiss him later to give you a taste of your own medicine. if you manage to steal a peck, he is wiping it off, probably even feigning dismissal and disinterest. it isn't long until he's caving in because he wants to kiss you so bad but fortunately, you apologise and make up to him with hugs and kisses. “lame ass prank, shouldn't have done it if you can't keep your hands off me.” talking as if he wasn't experiencing withdrawal symptoms -⌓-

SUNOO

scoffs dramatically when you do it, knowing it's one of your silly little pranks because he always showers you in kisses and never once have you acted this way. he takes it as a challenge, giving you another kiss and his smile grows wide when you wipe it again, and this continues, getting faster and faster with both of your giggles and laughter erupting in the room. it's only a matter of time before he has you pinned on the couch, peppering your face with butterfly kisses and not giving you any opportunity to wipe them. “see, you can never escape my kisses.”

JUNGWON

is quite taken aback when he catches you wiping your lips, a bit flustered as he speaks sheepishly. “does my breath smell?” and you end up laughing, making him even more flustered. sort of laughs along with you but he is still giving you that clueless stare. “is something wrong? why are you laughing? wait, is this a prank?” he gets really self conscious but feels like he can breathe properly when you give up and tell him it's a prank, immediately giving him a kiss as an apology. “ah, you got me there.” he would still be a bit confused but would kiss you for hours later.

NI-KI

quite literally goes “eh?” when you wipe your lips after he gives you a quick peck, and then bursts into laughter as if it was an absolute knee slapper of a prank, while you're standing there all confused, giving him the '???' look. “what's so funny, 'ki?” you ask, and he would laugh even more, shaking his head while trying to compose himself. leans in to kiss you because of the look on your face but has to pull back because he ends up laughing again. “it's funny to see you wipe my kiss when you can't go a minute without them.”

[obitos-whore]

https://www.tumblr.com/obitos-whore/748760592303718400/how-the-naruto-men-react-to-their-crush-kissing?source=share

This is awesome, can we have more? Not only more, but I mean *much more*

Hey there nonnie. I assume with *much more* you mean some spicy stuff, right? If not, just send another request and I'll see what I can do.

Anyway, enjoy some Naruto men going down on you.

(Kakashi, Obito, Itachi, Shisui, Gaara, Kankuro, Madara, Sasuke)

18+, Minors do NOT interact

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Kakashi

When it comes to going down on you, Kakashi is a downright menace and will do absolutely everything in his power to make sure you'll think of him for days to come

To ensure he has the element of surprise on his side and you don't see what's coming your way, Kakashi will blindfold you and tie your wrists to the headrest of your bed. He can't risk you peeking after all. Besides, there's something so incredibly hot and beautiful about seeing you so helpless and having you at his mercy

Will absolutely take advantage of your vulnerability and take his sweet time bringing you close to the edge, only to deny you the sweet release that's boiling inside just as you are about to burst

Chuckles at the myriad of curses you throw at him for being a dickhead and not letting you fucking cum

But when he does, boy oh boy, does make 'up' for his cruel teasing and make you cum several times in a row, each orgasm more intense than the previous one, ending with you as an overly sensitive mess unable to form a coherent thought, and a very happy and satisfied Kakashi

Obito

Obito is downright addicted to the taste of you. If he could, he'd spend hours between your legs and pleasure you. And sometimes he even does.

He's very vocal during it, showering you in praises and letting out satisfied moans as he pleases you with his mouth

Depending on his mood, he'll either be incredibly sweet and tender, or downright cruel and edge you for hours on end. He'd make you beg and squirm desperately, even going as far as to restrain you with some nice ropes and let his possessive side come through and mark you everywhere, before he even considers giving you what you've been begging for since the beginning

Tends to get carried away rather quickly and becomes quite sloppy during it with saliva coating his chin after being away on a mission for quite some time. Must be the withdrawal symptoms

Would definitely not mind waking you up with his mouth on you every morning

Itachi

Itachi likes to take his time with you and slowly get you worked up by kissing along the insides of your thighs and making his way up to your center inch by inch

Once he gets to it, his ministrations are gentle and sensual, flattening his tongue to give you slow strokes and suckling on the very sensitive parts of your sex

If you squirm too much, he will hold you in place and 'punish' you by going even slower, enjoying the sight of your eyes rolling to the back of your head and your hands gripping the sheets or his hair as you let out squeals and moans of pure ecstasy

Praise. Praise. Praise. This man has studied the book of praises and will stop at absolutely nothing to make you feel like royalty, both physical and verbal, while looking up at you with the most pussy dripping and dick hardening gaze that's humanly possible

Once Itachi is done with you, your legs will be shaking for hours. And the mere thought of having him between your legs again will be enough to make you all hot and bothered

Shisui

Just like Obito, Shisui is completely and utterly addicted to you. He just can't keep his hands off of you, much less his mouth

Aside from your incredible taste and the delightful sounds that escape your pretty lips, it's also a way for him to relieve his pent up stress. Being a shinobi of his calibre does come with a huge amount of it after all

Shisui, being the playful little tease he is, will have you beg for him to finally let you cum, while the tip of his tongue playfully dances around your most sensitive spots. Always bringing you so close to the edge before withdrawing just in time to deny you that sweet release and leave you whining in frustration and need

He's also rather shameless and would love for everyone to hear you scream his name, so that they know who's making you see stars at the training grounds during the day. It's like a badge of honour for him

Sometimes he gets so into it, that he subconsciously activates his sharingan and stares at you with a look of pure hunger. Like a predator ready to strike its prey

Gaara

Gaara is the definition of attentive and gentle. He loves hearing you moan his name as he uses his mouth and hands to bring you to heaven.

He's completely devoting himself to your pleasure and will always hold one of your hands, because he's a sweetheart and just craves the physical touch on top of the shared sexual intimacy

Will shower you with compliments and gently coo your name as he watches your face contort in pleasure and feel your body squirm underneath him

Gaara could never deny you anything, you're like his personal deity. However, he's more than willing to comply with your wishes and play a bit more dirty if that's what you're into

To Gaara, giving oral isn't just a way to pleasure one's needs and desires. To him, it's a way to show his deep love and devotion for his partner. It's like an art that demands the finest of skills. And your responses and reactions are the highest of praises one can receive

Kankuro

Kankuro is not only a cocky and smug bastard with a witty tongue and a master of puppeteering. He also knows how to use that mouth and fingers expertly in the bedroom and make you scream his name for the entire village to hear

Knowing that he can make you feel so good only boosts his already big ego and will make him even more eager to have his way with you

He will use his chakra strings to keep your hands tied and your legs nicely spread and open for him to feast upon you to his heart's content. And may Jashin have mercy on you when he's been deprived of it for too long

Of course, given that he can be quite the prick, he won't give you what you want so easily and make you beg for it, relishing in the frustration and neediness that resonates in your tone

"You good, sugar?" He would ask you with feigned innocence between harsh sucks and light bites, plastering your inner thighs with his marks while you are teetering on the edge of heaven and hell

Madara

Madara isn't a man who takes orders from anyone. Not even his little darling. However, if you ask him very, very nicely, he might relent and give you what you desire. But it comes with a price of course

Once he starts giving you what you asked for, there's no turning back. His mouth and hands are constantly on you, possessively touching every inch of skin while enjoying the way your vocal cords sing his name, your squirming body firmly pinned to whatever surface you're on

Madara takes great pleasure in taunting you when you ask for a break because you've come three times already and are overstimulated beyond comprehension

"What's wrong, darling? Tired already? Here, let me help you."

On top of stimulating you until your knees are practically jello, he'll also fuck you senseless afterwards. To remind you that you either play by his rules or not at all

Sasuke

Sasuke is incredibly mean about you wanting him down there, teasing and taunting you about being so needy and will only give in so you stop whining like a 'bitch in heat'. He acts like he's annoyed, but in reality he's totally down for it

He's more on the rougher side of things and will make you whimper and writhe in total ecstasy and desperation as he selfishly takes what you so generously offer

During it, he'll possessively cover your body in bite marks and hickeys and tell you how pathetic you are and how he is the only one who can and will pleasure you

And since he's so nice, he'll go all out on you until he says he's done you're completely satisfied

Of course his 'services' don't come for free and so he will demand some sort of repayment. Whether it's him fucking you, or you giving him a blow job doesn't really matter to him in that moment

[serialunaliver]

I unironically don't think schizoid personality disorder should exist as a diagnosis. I mean i'm antipsych so I feel that way about more than one diagnosis lol but schizoid is just an example of someone's behavior being labeled disordered because they act "different". An anhedonic person does not have the same experience with solitude that most people do. This is because anhedonia is a deficit in hedonic function, or pleasure-seeking behavior. Anhedonia will cause a lack of interest in relationships not out of self sabotage but because of a lack of incentive to seek it. Anhedonia can certainly be a part of disorders on the schizophrenia spectrum and sudden social withdrawal can occur in early stages of psychosis, but a diagnosis based essentially on the impact of a single symptom makes no sense, as it's already tied to several different mental health conditions (anhedonia can also occur in depression without psychosis). Everyone has to make choices when it comes to behavior, but some people have no 'default' incentive. Socializing with anhedonia is like forcing yourself to drink when you're sick even though you're not thirsty. It's not a pleasurable experience so you need other incentives.

I have to wonder if the reason psychs are alarmed by my world is because of diagnoses like this (szpd includes having "a rich inner world"). Im always told this is something about me I need to get rid of or lessen. "You're in your world too much so you need antipsychotics to attend group therapy" just make the therapy more interesting 🙏

[barry-j-blupjeans]

Lucretia would love to say that there wasn't much that surprised her anymore, but that was horribly inaccurate and incredibly easy to prove false. Last week, she had been surprised to tears when Merle held her hand, even though Merle held her hand all the time (he did that even with his memories gone, though it had been much more weird for both of them then). And even two days ago, she had nearly startled herself to hell and back when Angus told her that "you actually don't hide your depression symptoms very well, ma'am" and "maybe you need to seek some professional help? I have some great therapists I can recommend!"

Anyway.

No, Lucretia couldn't say she wasn't hard to surprise. But despite knowing all of that, standing in the tiny living room of Magnus's childhood home, getting hugged by two women whose arms wrapped around her the exact way Magnus's did? Cut her some slack, why wouldn't that be surprising?

"Thank you for staying with him," one of Magnus's moms said— Amelia? Fuck, of course Lucretia knew it was Amelia, she had drawn her dozens of times, recreating and refixing the worn-down photo that Magnus insisted on keeping on him the first few years of their century running from the Hunger.

The words, "but I didn't" got stuck in Lucretia's mouth. She swallowed around the, and couldn't bring herself to do anything more than just nod. Gods. Fuck.

Magnus had been the one to tell her of the Planar Belts. Lup was supposed to have, apparently, but Magnus caught her first. An hour in their home plane wasn't a lot but the seven of them had far grown used to working under weird, constrictive time limits. And while they were still tracking down Lucretia's brother, Magnus's moms hadn't been hard to find at all. Story and Song had stretched across their planar system, yes, but the Hunger had already touched down when it did. And thus, every single planar system inside it heard it, too.

Lucretia had spent a lot of time after that wondering what her brother thought of her. And standing here with Magnus's moms doubled the thoughts' intensity. Would he be proud? Teary, like Amelia? Speechless, like his step-mom? Had he been worried about her? Had he given up on her coming back? Was he even still alive?

A small gust of wind caught against her skin and Lucretia looked up to see they were outside. Gods, she needed to get a grip on herself. How much time had passed? How much time did they have left?

A hand tugged on hers, leading her to sit down. It was Magnus. She settled onto a picnic bench in their back garden, surrounded by dozens and dozens of flowers.

This was not the first time she had been to this house. The memory was old, but the scent of rosemary brought it back. She and Magnus, much, much younger than they were now, still in their Institution days, back when the Institution of Planar Research had yet to tack the "And Exploration" onto the end of their name. They had been roommates for a semester, back when they both started out. Magnus had convinced her to spend Candlenights out here and she had felt much the same as she did now.

Yearning. For her brother, for a life she didn't yet have, and a life she hadn't begun to know.

Helplessness. Away from home for the first time, in the wake of her mother's death and her father's withdrawal into himself. Trying to figure out who she was in the world.

And hopefulness. Winter had been bitter, but it hadn't snowed, and Amelia was, in Magnus's words, "an expert at seasonal plants." Their garden had still been full and lush and while she had been invited to help tend to it, she hadn't wanted to, in fear of breaking something by accident.

That version of herself felt foreign now. How could Lucretia possibly break anything worse than what she had already done to her family?

Magnus nestled into her side as she lifted her head, trying to blink away tears.

"Ma said she's gonna get some new plants," Magnus said. "As 'celebration'." Lucretia snorted a little bit at the way he said it— Amelia Burnsides thought every event, no matter how big or small, was worthy of new plants. "You still like cornflower, right? 'Cause I told her to get cornflower for you."

"I—" Lucretia said, her throat suddenly a little tight. She turned away. Magnus didn't budge, merely wrapping an arm around her and holding tightly. Lucretia cleared her throat, trying to get a hold of herself. But instead of answering, her mouth said, "thank you for staying with me."

Magnus didn't respond, just squeezing her slightly. She wiped at her eyes, looking up towards the horizon. The two suns overlapped like flower petals. The wind chime played a little melody in the wind.

"Cornflowers are good," Lucretia said at last. "It's— tell her that'd be great, Magnus."

"Tell her yourself," Magnus said.

[schizopositivity]

Hello, I’m starting the process of trying to unlearn the harmful messaging, misinformation, and stereotypes surrounding psychosis/schizophrenia. I’m coming from a place of humility and ignorance - fully trying to abandon all of my preconceptions about these experiences and the people that have them. I found your blog while looking for people’s personal experiences and understanding of these conditions. Thank you for sharing this information and your perspective with the world! It can’t possibly be easy, and the honesty you share is helping people like me finally learn the right way. Thank you for all the work you put into this blog and for sharing it with the world.

As I was reading through your backlog, one of your posts discussed how medication can often specifically remove the positive symptoms of these conditions. I was wondering if you could explain in a little more detail what the positive symptoms are? It was my first time encountering this idea and I want to make sure I don’t get misinformation. If this question is insensitive, please feel free to discard it - I’m asking in the best faith and don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable. Thank you for your time!

Aw thank you! Sometimes I forget that people reading my posts don't already have a certain baseline understanding of terms commonly used for schizophrenia. So this is a great chance for me to teach people about the way schizophrenia symptoms are commonly categorized.

Since schizophrenia can include many different symptoms that are treated using different methods (or are untreatable) the symptoms have been put into 3 categories.

Positive symptoms are symptoms that add something to a schizophrenic person's life that many people don't have. Positive in this context just means "adding to", not as in "good" or "happy". Positive symptoms include hallucinations, illusions, delusions, catatonia, disorganized speech and disorganized thoughts. These symptoms are typically treated with antipsychotic medication. These symptoms can also come and go throughout someone's life.

Negative symptoms are symptoms that take away something in a schizophrenic person's life that many people do have. Negative in this context just means "taking away from", not "bad". Negative symptoms include avolition (lack of motivation), anhedonia (lack of pleasure), alogia (limited or lack of speech), flat or blunted affect, and social withdrawal. These symptoms might be treatable with therapy and social support. These symptoms are consistently present throughout someone's life.

Cognitive symptoms are symptoms caused by a difference in brain structure that causes a difference how the brain works in schizophrenic people. Cognitive symptoms include slower processing speed, impaired working memory, reduced attention and vigilance, reduced verbal learning, trouble with reasoning and problem solving, impaired sensory perception, and impaired social cognition. These symptoms might be treated with therapy. These symptoms are consistently present throughout someone's life.

(Not everyone with schizophrenia will have every single symptom listed in each category)

Here are some simplified infographics:

[perfectfangirl]

notes after rewatching fallout s1 ep4

• cooper and lucy wandering the desert and mans starts coughin', somethin' settin' in • whoa i just realized you could hear roger roaring from outside • roger was at a clinic, probably trying to find something to help him ☹️ • i wrote a whole entire post on this scene but anyways can i say we see full blown uncooked cannibalism hardly ten minutes into episode four like is everyone ok • the fact this scene is presented with a lot of tension, like a horror film and truly it's just a guy named roger fighting to stay not feral • i wonder how cooper met him? ghouls tend to know each other after a while [on account of the discrimination], i'm sure he was checking with this man every now and then tbh. perhaps. a friend. • cooper asks roger how he's feeling and he says "you know... it's hard out here. dang smoothies can be so unkind" and i just 😞 • "i see you got a smoothie of your own" ding ding ding ghoulcy this one's for you • you know what's particularly sad about ghoulification is for example that roger has had to isolate himself from others, even ghouls, because he was turning • roger asking for a vial and cooper looking at lucy [cooper, you botched the using lucy for bait, come on] • firmly in the camp that if cooper had vials left, he would give one to roger. cooper has shown himself to be crude and cruel seeming at times but i just know he went there with purpose • roger accepting he's turning and telling cooper and lucy to leave as a warning, roger seemed so nice, why and how did he get like this

• "i did ok" 😞 • going from standard human to turning into a feral ghoul in less than twenty eight years in the fallout universe is insane and idk if there's a lot of lore on why someone could end up like this and someone like cooper not • the difference in cooper's and roger's symptoms are pretty stark--- not entirely sold on him coughing and passing out is from ferality and more inclined to think chem withdrawals but i digress • "say, you remember how good food use to taste?" post war life is so bad, nobody in the wasteland remembers when food use to food 😭

• because roger is really nice and having a conversation, roger turns, speaking to lucy. cooper using this as an opportunity to kill roger seems so sudden and a betrayal until • look at cooper's eyes and his reaction after pulling the trigger--- not exactly the expression of someone who is in it "for the love of the game", in fact, i have come to view this act as a mercy kill • which is ironic of course because as we've all come to see, lucy does the exact thing for her own mother four episodes later • once feral, ghouls roam the wasteland operating on two instincts alone: hunger and defense. they are a threat to all those around them and i don't recall much on reversal. that's no life. roger would've turned feral and harmed them or others, it is sad • cooper mercy killing roger was in some ways compassionate, he had a sweet conversation with roger giving his last thoughts something warm and nice. cooper then going on to butcher and consume his flesh was an uh choice 💀

• and lucy immediately confused was like "wait?, why'd you do that? he was sick." i don't know if she entirely understands ghoulification, seems she thought maybe he could be helped • lucy is basically confused, begging cooper to not like, eat this guy 😭 • i'm gonna have to agree that he didn't have to eat roger, radroaches is everywhere and for free, still pondering if he did this to fuck with her or because some reason i am missing • cooper asking lucy what her name was [hold on, why he care about that?" and lucy so nearly coming this close to finding out what hank did and who cooper is [since she didn't ask his name] • "sometimes a fella's got to eat a fella" is my all time favourite quote in season one of this show lmao • cooper be funny as fuck for no reason like this man's brain is cooked • i would personally like to ask walton whose idea it was to go "mmm. mmm." while eating irradiated human flesh like that, like why is the pre war actor cooper howard like this • lucy is incomprehensibly disgusted but then goes on a thing [a vulnerable thing] about vault 32 starving [in the great plague of '77] and that she lost her mother during this time and that her father never resorted to cannibalism. there's some time and memory discrepancies here • "well there's what people say they did and what they really did" i wanted cooper to be wrong so bad here when he went on to clown hank by saying "i'll bet your daddy was first in line at the cookout. i bet he had a bib with a drawing of his neighbour's ass on it" • lmao they gave all the best lines to cooper, i'm sick, he was right • lucy, having had enough and not finding cooper's humour being used as a way to cope like this asks this disturbed little man • "how do you live like this? why keep going?" and for the briefest moment, and i do mean brief, cooper feels the crushing weight of who he is when lucy confronts him like this • of course he shakes off a moral inquiry and transfers it to another as he asks "why the fuck am i doing all the work?... ass jerky don't make itself." and forces lucy to do it instead • twice now this man has talked about ass in less than ten minutes and for everyone's sake i'll move along 💀

• woody basically trying to interrogate the raider prisoners and getting nothing, meanwhile--- i think they already starting to be poisoned • ooo ok but betty telling norm he's the last standing maclean in the vault so his words carry and people listen. it occurred to me maybe he inadvertently inspired the poisonings of the raiders but it's also occurring to me that because they couldn't just all be shot outright, being poisoned was the best follow through method, nobody notices until it's already too late. now who is sneaky enough for that? • "when clever boys like you are angry, you're lucky not to have seen where that can lead." so... was betty present for shady sands? hmm • betty asking norm to tread lightly is very... not a threat, but she's watching him, right

• ok! we have that second water scene. it's confirmed here cooper is fetching water from an irradiated source [hence why denying lucy any makes sense] he puts it in his canteen and drinks it just fine. lucy is obviously mindlessly thirsty because she defeatedly drops down to drink the murky, stagnant irradiated water. it's so irradiated, her pip boy is going crazy, she literally gags in the scene • "now you're getting it. how does this golden rule jibe with what's going through your head now?" well i mean we knew cooper been fucking with her the whole time and showing her the wasteland streets but it is also unlikely she would have found a clean water source where they are, i guess her getting radiation sickness may have been inevitable but cooper denying her water kept her from being sick • after another insane string of sentences from this centuries old movie star, lucy finally asks "what are you?" and it's more like "what the fuck is wrong with you?" • "oh i'm you, sweetie, you just give it a little time" is majorly menacing after everybody just drank stagnant rad water like it's koolaid • cooper felt so smug then was zapped with karma again because he has a coughing fit directly after telling lucy this lmao • walton has such a good old man cough ❤️ • lucy takes cooper coughing up a lung as an opportunity to run [where i don't know but] • cooper uses his lasso skills he used to use at kid's parties to pull lucy back and then says some shit like "where you think you going? you ain't going nowhere."

• so we have arrived at the infamous and intriguing finger biting off scene--- can i just say she bit his finger off with such ease and then! cooper doesn't even act like it hurt, he seems... pleased he got that kind of reaction out of lucy. he's like into it 💀 • "there you are, you little killer" i'll keep this pg13 and say cooper really wanted to get a rise out of lucy, to bring the dog out of her, huh • he... then proceeds to cut her [corresponding hand's] finger off. ironically applying the "do unto others as you would have done unto you" tit for tat, if you will • i was surprised he did this because like ok, she spat it out? pick it up and reattach it, fella 😭 but there's more under the surface here because • cooper says "now that right there is the closest thing we've had to an honest exchange so far." and he's being framed in a close up so close, you can see his dainty eyelashes, sun shining in the background, his hazel eyes sparkling--- this is not on accident ☝️ gdgkdkfd • there's a lot of symbolism to be had but for now, i'll save that for next episode notes when cooper does the thing • ah chet! and steph. i kinda am of the idea she strategically got with him but anyways! who wouldn't! chet hot as fuck! and steph look like an assassin • bert's shoes so small gldgldfl • steph is definitely angry and sad dealing with bert's death in her own special way [trying to fuck chet] • excuse me but why they turned an almost sex scene into a birthing scene 😭💀 • lucy been walking the wasteland without a shoe, how she do it 😭 • i did not pick up on cooper bartering lucy for two months' worth of vials [thanks subtitles] • "mint condition" [looks at a bloody stump on hand] "near mint condition" now who fault is this?? lmao • "you got problems out here too, sweetheart" like, shut up 😭 • cooper every time he interacts with a mr. handy is one of the only few places he gets to hear a voice of this old friend • "best you try your luck behind that door" well at least he untied her • this is like the third time he's gotten instant karma with lucy because either he pretended to keep it together until she went in or genuinely didn't know he was going to pass out but • went through the five stages of grief trying to figure who he sold her to because i deadass was thinking the same thing lucy was 😭 • lucy being given the finger of like, a corpse or something because it's grey 😭 forever changed by the wasteland, always carrying a little bleakness and death with her ❤️ • lucy never experiencing real cotton [or maybe only rarely] • lucy calling cooper a creature 😭 • "he put a leash around my neck and made me drink from puddle water that i'm pretty sure was some kind of animal pee" sending 😭 she talking to this evil mr. handy like it's a person • her recounting her captivity with cooper like he was simply being mean to her is just • "and i thought i was here to be a sex slave." "what?! no! what a disgusting idea. i'm simply going to harvest your organs." damn, fallout which one is worse, like fuck---

• hope the jello cake veronica got wasn't poisoned... • "what are you looking at?" "a murderer in a cage, paying the price for what you did to us. for what you did to the innocent people in vault 32" and norm gets circumstantial evidence from a raider by accidentally cross examining one of them with it being more than anything woody could coax out of them • one thing about the macleans, they smart • i also think it's excellent writing that intrigue was spurred like this by a raider saying vault 32 wasn't innocent because they were running an experiment like all the vaults did, everything isn't so black and white • norm reads every situation correctly because why he read chet by saying chet came along to investigate because norm reminds him of lucy fkdgkdkg • still piecing together the full extent of vaults 31, 32, 33 together but at first i couldn't understand why it looked like so many took their own lives--- apparently them discovering what vault 31 was about started a rebellion but two years seemed so recent to me. curious how this overlaps with shady sands if it does • they showed the spooky ass rat utopia experiment still playing on the tvs in there but i wasn't sure if this was explicit about that being vault 32's experiment

• lucy being prompted to continue on because of a flashback from her mom upon awakening 🥲 • "lucy sweetie what are you doing out here?" and those were her memories on the surface [nevermind cooper calling her [[condescendingly]] "sweetheart"] • i did not realize the ghouls were being kept in the freezers but it looks like they either only sell ghouls or keep the ghouls "on ice" [not unlike how dom pedro would keep cooper and cut pieces off of him] and collect the organs of standard people right then and there • "sir, you can't do this. please, i need my organs" lucy, it's just a robot bulter, he's not a real guy 😭 • the way lucy got out of this pickle quick, almost got snip snipped but short circuited the murderbot • lucy putting her murdercap on and putting drano in the murderbot's syringes, clever girl • it was so "star wars" of her to treat mr. handy like a person and then the guys running the organ trafficking scheme going "you might as well be holding an air conditioner hostage" 😭 • the organ traffickers running the super duper mart ring are so dull and banal evil types, it's so satire

• i just registered those two organ trafficker guys got a camera and can see cooper laid out in front of the store • lucy freeing the ghouls 🥲and one even thanking her [even the feral ones 💀] • poor martha, i peep how we see lucy's grey finger and it being shown used to defend herself against martha in her feral state • organ traffickers got ate up bless • nothing lucy did besides shoot was going to honestly stop martha, sometimes your pacifist playthrough doesn't go as planned • the pip boys still being on and running on the not alive people in vault 32 • "death to management" and it's directly the reference to vault 31's experiment, right there

• lucy walking out of there with mismatched shoes but two shoes nonetheless ☝️ • i guess lucy sincerely did not comprehend cooper is a ghoul or ghoulification, i suppose most vault dwellers literally would never know, that's post war history, wow • lucy asking cooper about if the vials keep him from going feral and he cannot even speak, he can only nod, from a prone position, on the ground--- the power/framing trade off is excellent • lucy bends down, briefly rolls the gun in her hand, while cooper lies helpless, she delivers a fatal line • "i may end up looking like you. but i'll never be like you" harbouring not enough ill will against him despite mistreatment, she gives cooper several vials, directly near his hand. didn't have to do none of that shit! • if i was cooper, i'd be scared as hell of this lady, she took down an organ trafficking ring in a grocery store ran by two armed guys, a murderbot, with some feral ghoul hostages, all of the bad and dangerous people fucking died • she really could've ended cooper right then and there, his devotion in season two gone be unmatched lmao

• i truly think he had a hint of a smile on his face after she helped [save his life] by anyways • lucy walks into the proverbial sunset meanwhile this man shambles into super duper mart about to go on the biggest bender the wasteland has seen since the bombs dropped • cooper gets so fucked up, i lost count how many things he ingested, king said all of 'em • cooper is so goddamn famous, his film "the man from deadhorse" is just sitting next to a tv • you could say here is where cooper has a crisis of conscience whereupon he holds the tape in his hand but truly we know already he had that centuries ago when he filmed "the man from deadhorse"

• cooper watching the scene, the very moment in his life where things started to shift--- he tries to cock an invisible fun, being unable as he remembers his trigger finger is gone [neutral, disarmed, here's where i think he decides he wants to sew on lucy's finger to his hand] it's like he's starting over, a moral rebirth but with his trigger finger • they really made cooper say "you commie son of a bitch" in a western, just ugly propaganda • let's examine "feo, fuerte, y formal" again! "ugly, strong, dignity" does post war cooper have two out of three on that front? is this his step into regaining dignity again? • cooper was always playing characters, it was expected of him and he got paid for it. it feels like a wall is being torn down, something is being shed here. and maybe it's this character he's masquerading as • cooper and lucy both having revelations in the super duper mart--- lucy realising you can't always reason and logic out of a situation and cooper being confronted with the fact you can keep your morality and sense of self intact and a horrible place and situation doesn't have to change you

[sturn-wrld]

🏮🪼nsfw alphabet

summary: i think title kind of explains it

genre: very suggestive!!! if that makes you uncomfortable dni!

warnings: suggestive

a/n: day 1 of smutmas!!

masterlist

---------------------------------------------------------

a - aftercare (what they're like after sex)

i feel like matt is excellent with aftercare. cleans you gently, runs you a bath, carries you to the bathroom, gets you a snack if you want it, cuddles with you immediately while whispering soft praises into your ear. he's just the best.

now chris tries his hardest to help but he doesn't always know how to. he will bring you a towel, he'll ask if you want to cuddle or bring you water but he's trying.

b - body part (their favourite body part of theirs and also their partners)

i feel like neither chris nor matt have a favourite body part on but hear me out, matt is a tits guy and chris is an ass guy. no questions asked.

matt's favourite body part of his own would have to be his stubble just because it's your favourite. when he's eating you out his stubble adds another level of satisfaction and he has caught onto this for sure.

i think chris would have similar reasoning to matt as to why his fingers or back would be his favourites. when his fingers are knuckles deep inside of you and your scratching his back raw he just thinks he is in heaven.

c - cum (anything to do with cum, basically)

matt is very respectful when it comes to cumming on (or inside of) you. he only really cums wherever your comfortable with. he definitely loves cumming inside you you though.

now chris is a major head guy so any chance he gets he is cumming in your mouth or on your face. there is no convincing me otherwise! also i feel like he would love cumming on your back.

d - dirty secrets (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

we all know matt is OBSESSED with reading the little smutty fics but i feel like he takes inspiration from them. also if you were also in the public eye he would read fics written about you.

i feel like chris would have a pair of your panties or one of your bras or something that he could on when your not around. and tbh he probably isn't even that secret about it around you

e - experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they're doing?)

matt knows what he's doing. you can tell he isn't a virgin in the best way possible. i feel like he would know exactly what to do to get you going and how to use his dick AND hands to his advantage.

i don't think chris is a virgin but i also don't think he is a sex addict. i feel like it's the perfect middle where he has fucked enough to know how to have sex but he isn't having withdrawal symptoms when he hasn't had sex for a day.

f - favourite position (the title explains it enough)

matt lovessss when you ride his cock. he loves seeing your tits bounce up and down as you ride him until he starts fucking up into you chasing his high.

because chris is an ass guy, he is obviously also a doggy man. he loves slamming into hard from behind, watching your ass jiggle and slapping it at his free will.

g - goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)

matt is the perfect blend of serious and goofy. he is serious when he needs to be but makes jokes and laughs with you when something happens or when there is an appropriate window to.

chris is silly with everything so why would that change in sex? he is almost constantly goofy in sex, that is until either of you are reaching your climax and that is when he starts being a little more serious.

h - hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

matt doesn't like to be completely bald. 'it looks weird' is his reasoning. so he has a hair that he sometimes forgets to groom but when he does it, it is short.

chris doesn't really like hair but also he doesn't like the feeling of being bare so he has hair but is neatly groomed.

i - intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)

while matt does have his days where he just needs to let steam off and fuck 9 out of 10 times he is an angel during sex. he loves doing all the 'cliche' things, like lighting candles or playing a playlist he made. on top of that he loves giving you compliments the whole time.

chris loves to deny that he is lovey during sex but lord is he. he loves doing most of the work and letting you relax during but he definitely has the times where he is pent up and just fucks you like crazy.

j - jack off (masturbation headcanon)

matt NEEDS you. all. the. time. if you aren't able to come over he will beg you to facetime and help him but if you are too busy he is definitely pulling up the videos and photos he took of you.

chris is similar and prefers you to do it but if you aren't available he is pulling up the videos of and the ones you guys made and sending you videos of him doing it instead.

k - kink (one or more of their kinks)

matt definitely has a praise and a begging kink. his praise kink goes both ways. he loves telling you how good you are doing for him or how he loves what your doing. he also loves when you tell him how good he is doing and how good you feel. his begging kink is really only when you are begging him to do what you want. he isn't the type to beg.

chris definitely has a slight pain kink (nothing past slapping) and/or overstimulation. him being the biggest ass guy, LOVES seeing your ass jiggle and the sound is music to his ears. he also loves fucking you to the point where tears are almost swelling out of your eyes but he doesn't do it too much because he is scared he will hurt you.

l - location (favorite places to do the deed)

matt does not like public sex at all really so his favourite place is definitely either of your beds. probably your bed more just because there is a very minimal chance that you guys get caught as there is no one to catch you.

chris doesn't mind some public sex here and there to a certain extent but nothing too wild. maybe a restaurant bathroom or in the car but nothing too wild where people may see. his favourite place by far though is the bathroom counter. he loves bending you over the counter right after edging you in the shower.

m - motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

matt's main types of motivation are kisses and clothes. if you kiss him in the right place (just below his ear or the back of his neck) he is bricked up and ready to go. if you wear some of his favourite clothes (tight clothing tbh) he is ready when you are and is pushing onto the closest bed.

chris loves when you wear his clothes a little too much. he can't deal with the sight of you wearing his oversized hoodie or his sweatpants without almost creaming his pants. he also loves when you touch him in anyway. even if your just rubbing his shoulder or touching his hair he is about to bust.

n - no (something they wouldn't do, turn offs)

i think matt and chris agree on shit and piss being a huge no. even if you were obviously joking they would reconsider who they are fucking.

i feel specifically matt also wouldn't be into food stuff either. i feel as if he has pretty vanilla kinks himself but wouldn't mind if the other person had kinks besides his no's.

chris doesn't like the thought of a threesome just due to the fact that he has to share you with someone. he is way too possessive for that shit.

o - oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

don't get me wrong matt loves giving you head, rubbing his stubble along your sensitive areas and pleasing you but he LOVES getting head so much. he loves seeing you work for it and it turns him on even more seeing you work so hard.

chris loves giving and receiving equally. he would love giving you head for hours and hours because he loves seeing you so pleasured, squirming around and not being able to keep still AND he's good at it. but when it has been a long stressful day or week he loves to kick back, relax and get some head. he would even start face fucking you from how good you make him feel.

p - pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

because matt knows how to make you go crazy during sex he knows mixing it up is perfect. he will always start slow and time his thrusts perfect for your body but i feel like as it progresses he would go faster and slower when it seems you need it. he definitely prefers fucking you slow and controlled but definitely deep and rough at the same time.

chris similarly starts slow and fastens over time but if he's extra needy or you've been teasing him he will start off fucking you like a maniac and not stopping until you beg.

q - quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

matt doesn't specifically love quickies a lot. he loves his intimate, slow sex more than anyone else but when it comes down to it if your waiting in a parking lot and you just happen to be bouncing on his lap for 5 minutes he's not gonna argue.

while yes, chris loves a slow, nice fuck, he loves the thrill of having to fuck you quickly before an event while his brothers are waiting down in the car. 'sex is sex' is one of his favourite sayings.

r - risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

when it comes to experimenting during sex, matt loves to experiment within his and yours boundaries as to not weird either of you out and he doesn't like close to any risks. he doesn't really like to even fuck when his brothers are in the house to not risk them walking in on you.

you and chris were once very risky. literally once. the one time you were risky matt almost caught you guys and nick did catch you guys. this swore off any riskiness forever.

s - stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)

matt can't last more than one or two rounds most times due to how much energy he puts into making you feel good. he spends so much time focusing on fucking you deep and slow and edging you just right that once he does cum he is absolutely ruined.

i feel like chris could last up to three rounds. not crazy but not nothing. he doesn't put in as much effort or energy as matt but he is definitely trying his hardest to not cum before you and to make you feel good.

t - toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)

matt definitely owns a vibrator to use on you but doesn't use it much. he much prefers to do it himself and tbh he doesn't like when you suggest to use the vibrator because he feels like he isn't good enough. he might also own a few for himself.

chris might own a couple basic ones for you but i don't think he owns any for himself. even though he owns toys for you i don't think he uses them at all. he prefers to do it himself but when you wanna use a toy he doesn't mind, he just sits back and watches.

u - unfair (how much they like to tease)

i feel like both the boys LOVE LOVE LOVE to tease. chris is definitely more of a public tease but matt can get you going.

matt loves to tease you to make you beg for him. he loves to push you to your absolute limits to where you are pretty much jumping on top of him.

chris flirts and teases all the time. if you guys are simply sitting next to each other he has a hand on your thigh either rubbing his thumb back and forth or rubbing his whole hand up and down. more specifically if your sitting behind a table he will slowly trail his hand up towards the top of your pants or under your skirt and reach his hand into your panties and then just pull his hand straight back out.

v - volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

matt isn't screaming like a girl but he is definitely letting you know how good you make him feel. he loves praising you and being vocal about how he feels. he also definitely groans and pants a lot.

chris is really vocal. he is groaning and grunting the whole time and sometimes might even let out a few moans. when he is close he is definitely telling you and saying how good you are. he knows it drives you crazy so he may even do it on purpose.

w - wildcard (a random headcanon for the character)

matt loves sending you videos of him fucking himself with your panties wrapped around his dick to get a praise back. he is also sending it to try and almost lure you to come fuck him.

chris loves to take you lingerie shopping to watch you try them on. he follows you into the changing rooms and fuck you right in front of the mirrors. this is where he gets all of his good mirror pics of you guys.

x - x-ray (let's see what's going on under those clothes)

matt knows he has a big cock and how much you love it. it's not big in length (it's probably just above average length) but it's thick. because if this he knows how much you love when he fills you up just right.

chris is the opposite. yea he has some girth to him but oml is he long. he definitely can hit all the good spots not effortless making you crazy over his cock.

y - yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

matt is the type of dude that if he could fuck you everyday he would but due to you guys actually having lives he is happy with 3-4 times a week and the others he's on facetime with you with his dick out.

if chris could fuck you every second of everyday there is no doubt that he would. he is always horny just because of how attracted he is to you. you could he. the most childish, cute smile on in a photo and he can feel himself getting hard.

z - Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

matt makes sure you are fully clean and hydrated before he even thinks of himself so while you are snuggling up in his bed he is quickly but surely cleaning himself up before sliding into bed and waiting for you to fall asleep before he does.

while chris isn't fully helping with the cleaning situation, he is not falling asleep before you. in cases where neither of you fall asleep. he stays up and chats with you until you eventually give in to sleep.

[buckysdolls]

Please Don't Be In Love With Somone Else

Damian Priest x You Oneshot

TW: Swearing, loss of a loved one

Summary: One gesture from Priest finally pushes you to make your move.

“That bastard!” You huffed out quietly as you lifted your ring gear out of your bag. You didn’t know whether to scream or cry. You ex had left you one last parting gift. You’d been apart for eight months now but he finally finished collecting your stuff at the weekend, you’d let him into the house and gone out with your girls for the day. You didn’t expect him to rummage through the wrestling stuff you’d packed away ready for the week ahead. You knew it was Rhea from her voice as she approached you asking what was wrong. You held out your gear in front of you and looked over your shoulder as you watched Rhea’s mouth form an ‘o’ shape. You brought your closed fist to your mouth to help control the anger that wanted to burst out of you. 

“The piece of shit” Rhea breathed out shaking her head. It was ruined. There was no way it was going to be fixable. 

“Can you believe he did this?” You sat down on the bench deflated and clutching onto your ruined gear. He had taken scissors and cut holes into it. 

“Rhea, this was the last set she made before she passed.” Your words trembled out of your mouth, the tears starting to trickle down your cheeks hugging the gear close to you as you thought about your sister. 

“Why would he do this?” You sobbed as Rhea pulled you into her embrace, she soothed your back and allowed you to cry. Rhea was the complete opposite of her on screen character, in reality she was humble, caring and nurturing. 

“He’s a jealous selfish prick, that’s why!” Rhea carefully peeled you off her, wiping away your tears then placing her hands on your shoulders for reassurance. 

“Hey, we will figure this out okay. Right now we need to find you some gear otherwise you're gonna be a naked girly.” You half heartedly smiled and giggled at Rhea’s attempt to cheer you up. 

“Hah you laughed, that means we can do this!” She squeezed you tightly before holding your hands and helping you up and heading out of the locker room. 

You were sitting in the styling chair, your hair being put into space buns when his soothingly low pitched voice came from behind you.

“Do you mind giving us a minute?” Priest was now standing in front of you; his usually cheeky smile was this time full of sympathy. 

“I told you I should have stayed at the house” He approached you in an intimate proxemics as the palm of his hand rested on your cheek. He tenderly manoeuvred your face side to side and up and down scanning your face. His eyes eventually settled on yours and you too looked up at him. Your heart always did this when he looked at you, touched you,it would rapidly beat and then hurt as if it had burst into a million tiny little hearts that floated in your insides. His hand fell from your cheek and you felt instant withdrawal symptoms.

“He didn’t hurt me. I went out with the girls” You spoke trying to start a conversation. 

“Good. Rhea told me what he did to your gear, I’m sorry Y/N” “It’s not your fault. Besides, there's no point getting upset about it anymore, I can’t fix it.”

“Well I do believe I have the perfect solution.” He wiggled his eyebrows and held a smirk as he pulled out a shirt from his back pocket and threw it at you. It was one of his merch t-shirts, it was cut and shaped to fit like ring gear. He could always put a smile on your face. 

“You want me to wear this?” You raised your eyebrows and smiled widely as you held it out.

“Me? Personally, I'd prefer it if you wore nothing. “ Damian whispered into your ear as he pulled you off the chair and into him. He carrassed his fingertips along your arms until he reached the straps of your tank top and gently tugged them down revealing your collarbone. He then traced his fingers across your chest slowly as he made his way up your neck and then onto your lips where his thumb parted them as he pushed your bottom lip down finally resting his tips on your chin. You wanted it badly, to feel his lips on yours.

Damian had always been a good friend to you, you were the last two people at the bar chatting the night away. He was the one who stood by you and held your hand tightly as you mourned your sister at her funeral. He was the one who lifted you up and spun you around in celebration as you won your first championship. Things had changed between you one evening after the third and final time you and Bron had broken up. Damian had escorted you back to your hotel room, the two of you just stood in front of the door in silence staring into each other. You didn’t want him to leave, his presence was comforting. You had one hand on the door handle but refused to open it until Damian had closed the gap between you and placed his hand on top of yours, twisting the handle and opening the door. He was so close to kissing you every part of him wanted to do it for years. He could see the breathing in your chest rise and fall as he stood this close to you.

“Do you want me to stay with you?” He asked and you nodded in return. He had never forgotten watching you dress down to your bra and pants as you climbed into the bed. Damian had never said anything about how he had felt all these years, cause you’d always been in love with someone else.

“You’re a tease Priest” You hushed and smiled pushing off of him.

“No, what will be teasing is you performing in my shirt.” He leaned beside you grabbing the shirt off the chair and holding it to your chest.

“So I won't wear it then..” You pushed his hand away and sat back down in the chair as Lydia started on your hair again. “You will wear it, trust me.” He placed the shirt on the table beside you and walked away.

“I hate it when you’re right!” You shouted out, he responded by throwing up a love heart. 

A few days later

There was a present on your locker room bench. You picked up the card to read the message. 

I will always be there to help you fix problems.

D.P. x

Placing the card down you unwrapped the present. Gently unfolding the outfit you realised it was a version of your ring gear. As you began to observe it you realised that the gear your sister had made you was used to help make this one. You brought it close to you and hugged it as if it was the most important thing to you. You had assumed someone had thrown it out when it had gone missing. It wasn't until you read back over the card it registered in your brain who had this made for you. Grabbing your phone from your back pocket, you open your messages.

Y/N: Where are you?

Instantly you had your reply.

DP: Been waiting outside the women’s locker room since Rhea told me you were there. 

You dropped your phone and made your way over to the door. After one big release of breath you opened the door to see him standing on your left, leaning against the wall wearing the most attractive and warm smile. It felt as if this moment as you stood in front of him were happening in slow motion, it felt like this moment was what would happen in a film, one grand gesture and all the palpable tension between two people would finally unavoidably explode.

With a quiet volume and shaky tone you asked him “did you do this?” holding up the gear in your left hand. 

“I mean unless you know another DP?” He shrugged his shoulders. You leapt, physically leapt into Damian’s arm as you pulled him down into your frame and kissed him. He kissed you with passion as he needily roamed his hands down your back, along your thighs, gripping onto your neck before finally settling on the apples of your cheeks. Pulling away he leaned his forehead on yours.

“That was a nice thank you.”

“Thank you Damian. This is the most thoughtful gift ever. Really.” 

His hand settled on your lower back as yours clasped around his neck.

“As much as I love how happy this has made you, I’m kinda mad I don't get to see you wear my shirt in the ring again. I look good on you” You rolled your eyes playfully to which Damian responded by planting kisses along your neck.

“Just for you I’ll wear it tonight... In and out of the ring.” You flirtatiously bit your lip.

With a growl of temptation Damian kissed you. After a few delicate kisses Damian stopped and looked at you seriously.

“Y/N, on a serious note I’m so glad it's finally me.” “What do you mean?” “You’ve always been in love with someone else.” After a brief moment of silence Priest pushed a strand of your hair behind your ear to capture a full picture of you up close in this vulnerable state.

“I won't be like him Y/N. I hope you know that.” You nod your head in acknowledgement.

“Please don’t be in love with someone else again.” You intently gazed into his eyes letting the biggest smile spread across your full lips.

“Never.”

Damian lifted you up to wrap yourself around him, his hands tangled in your hair as he fervently kissed you again. 

[violetrainbow412-blog]

Day 22: apology fic

Based directly on S2E17

Masterlist flufftober 🎀

tw: Reid's addiction, withdrawal symptoms, it's more like hurt/comfort but I think that was the point of this prompt, haha

You hugged your pillow tighter as you looked out the jet window, feeling too sad to try to fall asleep, but tired enough to do anything else.

You felt hurt by the argument you had had with your friend, with whom you had previously sat in an armchair to sleep together, but who was now sleeping alone on one of the longest seats.

Spencer had been weird, and with good reason, since Tobias Hankel had deprived him of his freedom and you honestly didn't know how to help him anymore. You had tried approaching him to chat and constantly asking him if he was okay, always getting the same fake response from him. During cases you would offer to accompany him wherever Gideon sent him in an attempt to monitor his mood, but he always looked just as sad, quiet and tired.

However, things changed drastically when you heard the presentation of the case the day before and you saw Spencer arriving late, staggering and with a look that no longer seemed sad at all, but angry. There was something about the way he slurred his words that worried you and his dark stained eyes around him didn't help much.

It made you feel a little better that he offered to visit certain places when you were discussing responsibilities on the jet and you thought that if you accompanied him you could find time to talk to him, but you were taken by surprise by the cruel rejection he showed to your idea. Hotch noticed it too and forced your friend to accept your help, which he didn't seem too pleased with.

What you didn't expect was to see his ruthless and unconscious attitude when you visited the homeless shelter, hinting to the manager that literally anyone who entered could be a murderer and then just walking out of there.

“Okay, what the hell is happening?”

“What's happening with what?” XXX

“With you,” you murmured, frowning at your friend “You've been so strange lately and now you're upset and… what's going on?”

"What's going on?" he asked, sounding almost offended “I don't know Y/N, what do you think? Did you want me to be happy and smiling like a little child after everything that happened?”

“Spencer, I know, but…”

“No, you don't” he interrupted you, with a reprimanding tone that took you by surprise. Since you had started in the unit, he had never spoken to you that way, as if you were incapable of understanding things and that irritated him “You don't know anything and I ask you please not to get involved in things that don't concern you.”

“Things that don't concern me? You... I'm worried about you. We are friends, of course I am going to care about your well-being” XXX

“Do you care about me or do you care that I don't screw up the case?” he spat. No matter how much you tried to make him see reason, he was still locked around that black cloud that had been following him for weeks “Don't be a hypocrite.”

“I am not a hypocrite, it isn’t my fault that you believe that you only deserve good treatment when there is an interest involved”

Things had started to escalate, because if you weren't angry before, now you had started to feel that way.

“It's my damn problem whatever’s happening, not yours. You just mind your business and leave me alone, will you?”

He walked away and you stood there, contemplating for a moment what had just happened and feeling hurt. For the rest of the case you didn't speak and on the trip back you made sure to sit far enough away from him so you wouldn't have to face him. Only you and Hotch were awake that night and the man's voice asking if you were okay brought you out of your thoughts.

“I talked to Reid to find out what's going on and he told me to go to hell,” you responded, shrugging your shoulder and with a tone that denoted that you didn't want to talk more about the matter. Aaron just nodded and offered you a polite sorry, concentrating on the paperwork he had to fill out. XXX

You didn't talk about the incident with anyone else, but as the days passed the whole team noticed the barrier that had been installed between the two of you and that you were not willing to repair, after all you had been the one who had offended after trying to show him to your friend your concern. At the same time, while you felt the resentment brewing in your belly, Spencer was freeing himself from the suffocating effect of the drugs and with each moment of clarity that came to his mind he became more aware of the mistake he had made.

A week passed before the silence became unbearable. He wanted to get closer to you, but he didn't know how to do it and he didn't know if you would agree to talk to him after the way he had treated you. It was a Friday when he gathered his courage, so when he observed that you were about to go home he decided to cut you off by standing in front of you.

"Can I talk to you?"

“You're doing it,” you responded, looking at him from your seat seriously. Spencer noticed Morgan and JJ whispering in the distance, probably about the two of you, so he turned his eyes to you.

“Can we talk in private?” he rephrased, with a cautious tone that bordered on pleading. You didn't respond verbally, just nodded and he followed you towards the elevator. You went down in silence and once you were at the reception you continued walking to the parking lot, stopping next to your car.

Spencer didn't want to be the first to say something, almost like he was afraid of you.

"And then? What do you need?"

“I want to apologize to you,” he said quickly “For what happened the other day in Houston. I shouldn't have told you what I told you, I'm very sorry."

You were a little surprised because, although you assumed it was about it, you didn't expect him to tell you so directly, but rather you thought that he would try to justify his actions in some way. Still, you seemed a little reluctant to answer and Reid noticed that.

“It's okay, it doesn't matter.”

“It does,” he insisted and the parallel with your argument added a certain sensitivity to the moment “I was very rude to you and you didn't deserve it.”

“Reid, I think I should have respected that you don't want to talk about it.”

“Don't apologize, I'm the one apologizing here,” he murmured, not sounding annoyed, but desperate. He ran both hands through his hair and then thought that if he wanted his apology to be worth it, he would have to be honest with you “Listen, I haven't been having a good time since… that day” He swallowed, refusing to call the event a kidnapping “And when Tobias… when he…”

“Don't tell me,” you said softly, breaking the physical and emotional distance between you by taking a step forward “If you don't want to talk about it, I'm not going to make you.”

“I want to do it, but I don't know how. I’ve never known how to ask for help,” he sobbed. Suddenly his grumpiness in Texas seemed like nothing compared to seeing him this sore, which made your chest hurt “I feel like I'm falling into a bottomless pit and the only way to keep those I love safe is to keep them out of my own misery and thus free them of my burden.”

“You're not a burden,” you murmured, your voice shaking slightly at the thought of him feeling so worthless. “You were kidnapped, Spencer. You said it yourself, how can we expect you to be as if nothing had happened? I didn't want you to think I was pressuring you to be okay, I just… I wanted to know if there was anything he could do to help you. Because I want to do it, but only if you want me to do it”

“I'm sorry for telling you to leave me alone, I don't want that,” he cried and nothing more was needed for you to wrap him in a hug that he gladly accepted.

You could feel his silent tears on your shoulder and with every drop he let fall he felt more and more guilty, because he never intended for things to end like this. He was supposed to apologize to you and now you were comforting him.

He felt so selfish.

“Please don't be angry with me anymore.”

"No, no. I'm not angry," you reassured him, raising your hand to the back of his neck to caress his hair "Why don't I take you home instead? And I'm staying with you today, what do you say?

"Would you do it?"

“Of course,” you replied gently.

He accepted your offer and you drove the entire way without exchanging a word. Only once you were in the safety of his home he dared to tell you everything that needed to be said, still with a hint of guilt. But when you listened to him, forgave him, and hugged him he knew that he had chosen the right person to trust. And he also knew that he would treasure your friendship for all that remained of his life.

taglist: @navs-bhat@reidwritings@tricia-shifting14@spencerslove@vivian-555 @r-3dlips @rhiannonhippiegirl @taygrls @simp4f1 @sdddoobydoobydoo @taintedstranger @missabsey

[ineedtherapist]

Ca we have the crusaders with a touch starved Fem!s/o? She is like and at the same time loves to give affection back!

Eyyyoooo I have some free time today so LET'S FCKING GOOO

This idea is so fcking cute AHAHJAJ

13/12 =I'm sorry cuz I kinda lost idea on polnareff and avdol💀

side note: HELP- I DON'T KNOW HOW TO WRITE FR-

Crusaders with a touch starved fem!s/o hcs

Jotaro

"...yare yare daze. C'mere"

Jotaro is crazily good with physical touches. Like bro is Holly son and Joseph grandson. One way or another he definitely carry that genes in him.

This guy is stupidly observant, prob already notice about it but never says a thing.

OMG I HAVEN'T WRITE FOR AGES I'M LOSING MY TOUCH

He's a mysterious typa guy so yes he wouldn't reciprocate that much when in public but I guaranteed you when both him and his s/o are alone he'll initiate the first move.

Doesn't mind his s/o touch him as long as they understand his boundaries.

Actually loves,enjoy N appreciate it especially after having a rough day.

HANDS ON HEAD HANDS ON HEAD HANDS ON HEAD-

and on waist too as a matter of fact.

while laying down.

cuddling.

forehead kissing.

their s/o rambling bout their day

and him listening with occasional 'mmhmm and then?"

yeah. feel a bit too personal ifykyk

When he actually knows how much his s/o love physical contact he'll try to do it subtly but as much as possible and won't say a thing if they do it to him in public. cue to Holly kissing his cheek every morning

Sometimes most of the time Polnareff gonna tease him and his s/o and it kinda went like this :

"Hey joot! ya mind if I borrow ur sweetheart for a sec? I'm having a severe withdrawal symptoms from being single as heck. Now c'mere lov- AAughHhhGhh????!! GODDAMN IT JOTAR- FUCK! I'M GONNA DIE! JOTARO!!!!"

Everytime he did that, Jotaro gonna summon star platinum to hug him instead and well- all of the crew get to see a fcking 20+ yr old scream in absolute agonize and by the end of the "cuddling" sessions his face covered with snot and tears.

Due from that absolutely horrifying scene oldseph keep his words to himself though there are still times where we can actually see quite the scene.

Kakyoin would be a bit embarrassed, not in a bad way just kinda surprised with what's happening in front of him though when he get used to it, he's silently cheering for both of his friends.

Avdol takes pictures of all the little cute scenes and put it in a collection.

Marriage present he will say with a small smile.

Kakyoin

"...yes... I'm free.. r u sure? 'kay then. here- OMPF"

This guy is def as touch starved as his s/o. Worse, unlike his s/o, man doesn't even notice it.

Kakyoin sees physical contacts as an act of professionalism and rarely initiate one unless necessary.

He does it with his parents ofc but again very rarely and mostly on special occasions.

Think about it a lot actually but never voice it out especially if his s/o barely try to show they wants it.

When they did, oh boy it's one hell of a ride.

He'll get awkward at first but gradually warm up and well- get ready cuz you're prob will be in contact with him all the time no matter how big or small.

hand holding? yes. hand on waist while being side by side? yes. resting heads on each other laps? yes. shoulder touching while sitting? yes.

He'll be and look really dejected if his s/o says no w/o a proper reason.

Though he is an introvert and will understand if you needed some space. Just give him a heads-up kay? poor boy think his s/o losing interest in him.

WILL search up in books or online on "how to hug a person" or "101 absolute ways on how to not be a creep when initiating physical contact"

He's embarrassed with pda mainly cuz he's not used to it but he tried to make it up later in private .

He also will try to actually be comfortable and open, letting himself to relish and return the affection.

Is absolutely overjoyed with the fact that his s/o love physical contacts cuz honestly deep down he really wanted to bond and be comfortable with the person he loves and the area he really lacks in are well- human contact.

He's glad his s/o is there to teach him.

Another one that'll summon his stand to make a- *ehem* two adult cry because they're as joot always say "being a pain in the ass"

Olseph

"c'mere babe! it's cuddly wuggly time."

Bro the best and warmest teddy bear ever been alive.

#1 physical contact lover.

Hug and kiss his s/o all the time.

Small simple contacts like hand holding while walking through the streets traveling.

Hands on ur laps.

No I will not elaborate.

SITTING IN HIS LAPS.

That can go two ways and again no I will not elaborate.

Though he would absolutely loves it if his s/o sit on his laps while both him and his s/o relaxing.

A normal sunny day on a porch. Him reading a newspaper with his s/o on his laps snuggling doing whatever they're doing.

Absolutely hyped when he knows how much his s/o wanted to be in physical contact cuz again that's his forte.

Tickle his s/o while him and his s/o in bed, just woke up from sleep.

And when his s/o return his gestures?

God.

He definitely make a right choice.

It always a contest between who can give more affection and surprise the others. the hell this is too cute Bye-

Flex in front of the crew all the time and no he doesn't get embarrassed. why would he? his s/o is the happiest things ever happened to him. he'll be damned to give two shits.

Polnareff

"Mon Amour~! can I rest on ur lap? pretty pleaseee"

#2 physical contact lovers.

Also hyped cuz his s/o wanted to be pampered and loves to pamper him back? HELL YEAH

He's extreme. that's for sure.

Zero conscience.

Hug? Kiss? Snuggle? Cuddle? Princess style carry? Name it and he'll be doing just that in a heartbeat.

Once him and his s/o in each other arms, it will took a lot of effort for him to actually let go

The type that surprisingly jealous and won't let his s/o do it to anyone else unless under circumstances.

Get tease a lot but never done anything. Bro confident in his abilities and charm as a man.

Avdol

"yes, I'm free. Of course! Here."

CUTIE AJJSJAJAJA

Ok look like I have every right to fangirl cuz bro so sweet with his s/o.

Avdol is reserved so he doesn't show much of a need or want to be in any literal human contact so it gonna make his s/o a bit nervous.

BUT!

He adores it. He thinks it cute and a symbol of deep trust between two ppl especially coming from someone as special as his s/o.

He reciprocate it whether public or private.

Hand holding. cuz it's sexy u can't change my mind

Very open and accepting in general.

Encourage you and also love to be pamper.

Honestly one of the most loving and normal guy in jjba fr and the crew itself fr.

ahhhh idk what to write but this man is an absolute cutie.

Doesn't get jealous since he trust his s/o.

Actually talk to his s/o about coming to him whenever they're in dire need of human contacts.

Doesn't get teased that bad by the crew. They're just genuinely happy to see avdol and his s/o relationship cuz it have calming and very comforting vibe.

Joseph tease him once in a while but nothing severe.

A bit possessive depending on the circumstances.

[st-va]

The latest Hunter: the parenting ep was so fucking cool, i think I was watching it for 2/2.5 hours with a friend cause we were analysing it so much. Forgetting the plot and all the amazing lore jam-packed into that ep, the ANIMATION? Holy shit! I didn't know that it could get better AND keep its quirkiness!

Who is the Ghoul analysis after the cut!

Okay so there are two forces at play in that house, throughout the whole episode there are hints of a werewolf - in the first room, that is the dinning room, there is a wardrobe that has scratch marks and the door underneath the first floor stairs(the one that big D came through) ALSO has them. Oh, it's also a FULL MOON.

Now, the ghoul and the warewolf could be working independently, completely unaware of eachother, but it is my theory that the warewolf is Matilda and the ghoul is Amanda.

There is a little time jump that skipped some interactions. After Elise stole the smokes and keys (staff access) from Giles, she must have given them to Grim. She, in turn, went to the Security room through the vents (she was said to be good at going through them and they said that the security room is the most ventilated room). In the map it is said that Matilda came to the kitchen from the security room and she has acquired Giles' smokes, meaning that she prob caught Grim sneaking and Grim gave her his smokes in exchange for silence.

Why was Matilda going to the Security Room? And moreover, when Kitten came to the kitchen Amanda said that they could let him in to the Security room (Matilda being against the idea). When the topic of the Hunting came around, neither of them really looked scared. Amanda was just standing there, looking a bit sad or maybe disapprovingly at Matilda, and Matilda was a bit disgruntled, but nothing more really.

Matilda also brought out the subject of "Is the Ghoul really that bad?", which is honestly sending red flags all around for me, to be honest. Sure, she might genuinely be afraid and is trying to be strong, but, honestly? She looked sad.

I honestly do not know how Matilda would have gotten access to the Archives. She couldn't have stolen Remoud's keys cause D stole them seconds before unlocking the door, sure as hell couldn't have stolen Occam's so that leaves Lord Fatigue and the doctor.

Lord Fatigue was with the boys and there was such a small window of opportunity to yoink the keys that it seems impossible, but the doctor is the other option and she hasn't gotten that much screen time, plus it would make sense to get rid of the Lord later. So I'm sticking with Lord Fatigue being the one who got mugged. Again, this part of my theory is very loose, I couldn't find any evidence.

I want to call attention to how fucking furious Matilda looked after they found Occam incapacitated.

I don't think that is the face someone being sad that her employer is knocked down a peg and won't be able to pay her on time hhh. Amanda's expression is on point, she looks terrified but I will choose to believe that she is seeing the consequences of her friend's actions, in order to help her. Remember, Amanda is the Ghoul and Matilda the Warewolf.

Matilda's expression could also be a symptom of a withdrawal. Now, I will be honest. I know the bare minimum of the lore surrounding Vampire: The Masquerade and my friend couldn't find the exact thing that happens to warewolves during a full moon in this setting, so I'm basing this on pure speculation, but she could be trying to refrain from transmutating and, without her smokes, that could be more of a mental feat.

Moving on, the most damning information that we got out of the episode was after Amanda was fried, she said Baba Yaga. Holy fuck. With how the Arcanum is, there is no way in hell they would let the "Help" know of such a powerful vampire. I really couldn't think of another way she would acquire this knowledge if she isnt connected to the Masquerade in any way.

When the gang went to the pub, Matilda looked tilted as all hell.

The Ghoul is currently incapacitated, there's no way in hell that Amanda did this. This kill was the work of the Warewolf, with how fucking violent it was. Connecting this with my previous conjecture that Lord Fatigue was the one that got his keys stolen, he is a fucking Lycanthropy professor! I think, in Matilda's eyes, he was a threat and she wanted to get rid of him because it was only a matter of time before he found out. Plus, she had to turn at some point and she would have already been furious that they have been torturing her friend.

It was a golden opportunity as well. From the beginning of the episode, we know that Spit has been experiencing Delirium, the fear that comes with seeing the supernatural and that fear is accompanied with memory loss of the actual event. Git was locked in the bathroom and so Matilda could go ham on taking her rage out on Lord Fatigue.

Whoo! This has been a long one, lastly I want to point out some small things that I appreciated.

Big D going into the Harry Potter room in order to investigate the claw marks.

Marcus and Harry being complete bros and going to lift instead of dealing with an emotion situation.

Boy

Brock not sitting down when they were all gathered in the Dining room at the beginning and later saying that his kneecaps were flattened.

D's booty shorts

Honestly, this series is amazing, I don't think I've ever watched something this high quality with this much love, thought and humanity being put behind it. The work that Alfabusa and the gang are putting into making every single frame a banger is phenomenal! I really do not understand how they keep on improving.

What did you guys think? Am I mentally deranged, or am I and my friend onto something? Please tell me what you think of my lil Game Theory and if I missed anything!

[madcatlad]

Warning: Mention of Subst@nce-Abuse

I want to talk about Shadowknights and what the call actually is.

I've seen headcanons and fics for Mystreet that explore Laurence's time with the Shadowknight Gang, mainly with Gene, and how the gang (Gene) got him on dr*gs. I don't really want to get into that in this post, but it got me think...for MCD shadowknights, most importantly Laurence and Vylad.

Theirs definitely an Analogy there to explore with the way that the "Call of The Nether" is portrayed in MCD for both characters. BUT I'm not here to get into that either. What I want to see explored more is the withdrawal from The Nether.

I know this isn't exactly new BUT I think that the long term and short term effects of removing from The Nether should be broadened with more depth. Nether Withdrawal essentially. I think that this adds more outward struggled for the viewer to visualize to Laurence's character other than ANGRY RAWR, and also adds more complexity to Laurence's relationship with The Nether and his shadowknight form.

And there is actual evidence for this within MCD as well!!!

We already know about Laurence's Post-Nether fever after his return. His direct physical reaction after removing from The Nether. A detox.

(I feel like he shouldn't have recovered from that as quickly as he did, I know he went blind for a bit, but I feel like it should have been a slow burn to truly recover his strength enough to normally function let alone be second guard in command. ESPECIALLY after being tortured!!)

When Laurence transforms I recall him describing that the power felt good but he didn't feel like himself. It feels good but he changes. I think this really ampts up the URGENCY of Laurence transforming. His tranformations were used mainly as a plot device to get out of a situation BUT if we must do it I want more consequences than "he felt bad about it".

I want to PHYSICALLY SEE how that reversed his progress by maybe returning a particularly bad symptom or Post-Nether habit. I want to SEE how each and every lost of control brought him closer to square one. I want to SEE how every transformation eventually brought Laurence closer and closer to the character we find by the Ned of season 2.

YES, I want the usual tropes like nightmares, sleepless nights, mood swings, body heat. BUT NOW I want to see aches and chills, I want to see nausea, I want to see cramping, I want to see extreme sweating, and itching.

Let. My boy. Suffer.

I want to SEE how he was called right back to that portal.

[niuniente]

I have multiple favorite characters. They're all equally beloved. I don't get to choose which one of them is on the spotlight - they come and go on their own.

Because of this, I have assigned a personal meaning to each character: this character means have more fun; this character means that keep your eyes on the price; this character means a time of transition; this character asks to rest more. Always works!

A month ago, Dragunov from Tekken appeared on the spotlight (this didn't happen with Tekken 7 so we can't blame the new Tekken being out).

Now, the first time he was on a spotlight was 15 years ago. I was in a horrible place back then. There was a legal mess which, if the shit hit the fan, would ruin the rest of my life. Literally. I wouldn't be able to get a rental apartment, make any new contracts like electricity, phone, internet, buy anything with monthly payments, get subscription services, I would lose part of my income. I was THIS CLOSE to lose it all and the worst thing was that there was nothing I could. I hadn't caused the mess but I had no way out of it either. I even went to a lawyer to ask for a legal help but he couldn't help.

I feared for my life and future, hoping it would turn out OK. What kept me sane was playing Tekken 6. I played it hours every day and always as Dragunov. I even did my art school final thesis of fan culture and Dragunov (I had much fun with a Russian fan who drew really pretty pics of Dragunov and gave me an access to her screencapture collection of Tekken 6 for my thesis)

Then, one day I figured what was Dragunov's assigned meaning; you will survive. No matter what the odds, even if it was the 3rd world war, you will survive and come out alive without any harm.

That's exactly what happened. Took 2 more years but I got out alive, unharmed. It was horrible time. I'm glad it's over.

So, when Dragunov NOW suddenly appeared on the spotlight after 15 years, my initial thought was "WHAT WHAT, WHAT'S THE BAD NEWS??? WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN?? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE ODDS ARE HORRIBLE BUT I'LL SURVIVE????! "

Two weeks later, in a span of a week, without any prior warnings:

I got laid off because the company bankruptcy and fell on a social welfare

this happened while the current right-wing government made big cuts to social welfare and housing benefits (so I don't know if I can keep my current home)

while at the same time prices keep getting higher due to inflation

The IUD for anemia treatment came out on its own

Because of that I'm without any help to my iron anemia and the only solution will be hysterectomy in my case; doctors aren't giving those easily (even when needed)

I lost my workplace healthcare which would have been the easiest and the best way to get to hysterectomy

the sudden removal of IUD is causing me horrible withdrawal symptoms

my Japanese friend told me that she's unable to come to Finland this year and has to postpone her trip till 2025 :(((

(which also means I won't get my favorite cigarettes I smoke for fancy treats a few times a year because I can only get it from Japan - ordering tobacco online is illegal here)

noticed that wasps had made a nest to my balcony (that's being taken care off)

couldn't attend a free(!) ice-cream tasting for a feedback and for a free 15€ gift card because of the IUD withdrawal symptoms

found out that trains aren't operating normally and my home station is under construction and causes some issues

So yeah. He wasn't lying. It's been so bad that the first thing this morning when waking up was to take stomach medicine and have a smoke. And I'm not a smoker.

Horrible times are up ahead but I trust that I'll survive out of this phase just like I did 15 year ago.

(:::з」∠)

[freesia-writes]

Lil Life Update for Y'all <3

I've been a lil cryptic or back-n-forth, I think, and just wanted to share a little bit about what's been going on. I say it's not for attention but who knows what motives lurk under there, LOL. It's mostly because I love you all and want to let you in, also hope that it's encouraging or connective for anyone else who's experienced the same, and also I just miss the community I have sooooo loved here. 🥹

I'm a 34yo female with 2 kids aged 4 and 7. I had depression like crazy during and after my second pregnancy especially. In Aug 2021, my primary doc suggested I try something like Zoloft since I'd been complaining of irritability, no capacity, constant worry, and other anxiety symptoms. When I did feel some relief and felt encouraged that I could "feel like myself" again, I pursued solutions for other issues I was noticing. Over the last year and a half, it's been quite a ride. ADHD symptoms led to Adderall for 4 days, then Wellbutrin for a few months, then Buspar for a few months, then Strattera (tapering up and then back down) for about 3 months, then Ritalin for 1 month, which I thought was helping until we realized that the entire month of October was basically an increasingly manic episode.

Whew.

We're talkin 2007 Britney here (ok I didn't shave it but I cut my hair off into a pixie). Spent thousands on a new wardrobe of the "dark academia" style. Bought Disneyland tickets. Invested in a photography mentorship. So much energy and inspiration. Then we realized it was getting out of hand.

I had also been tapering off a lot of the meds over the last two months, so it was just a crazy cocktail of chemicals that made my brain finally go kaput. I finished the last dose of Zoloft on November 5th, and that was the last of the meds, so now I'm off everything. My therapist thought the mania was medication-induced due to all the changes plus the addition of the stimulant, so the goal was to try to allow everything to settle down and see what "baseline" is for me right now.

And it has been frickin HARD.

Cervical vertigo. All-or-nothing sleep and appetite. Extreme sensory sensitivity. Random itchiness. Racing mind. Total inability to focus. And the worst part has been the mood swings.

I'm basically having all the symptoms of bipolar disorder in a rapid-cycle format. It may be cyclothymia, or it may be the withdrawal effects from all the meds, but regardless... It's been quite the roller coaster. The nerd in me has been fascinated by the experiential knowledge of it all, since I majored in Psychology and have always loved learning about it, but the overall negative effects on me and my family have been difficult.

I'm someone who has always relied completely on being highly capable and in control. I find my worth in my productivity and competence. And it has caused increasing stress throughout my life. I've been praying for years that God would break me of it, and I can see how he is using this to do precisely that -- lovingly trying to answer my request to be freed of this relentless pursuit of the illusion of control. He's inviting me to simple, joyful life of trust. The perspective shift is so freeing when I realize that I don't need to have it all figured out because he already does, and I can just rest in his loving guidance and look to him for the next step instead of trying to plan out every possible outcome and strategy. I went on a reflective retreat in the Santa Cruz mountains and just felt so encouraged and loved in the way he invited me to let my shoulders down and to ground myself in his warm provision and care.

But the change doesn't happen overnight.

So in the middle of a total storm of bipolar symptoms -- days of mania followed by days of depressive episodes and being so new at it all that I don't know how to navigate "normal life" with all of that -- I'm also trying to rewire 34 years' worth of the way I think and act. BUT it's a blessedly simple process: the only thing I have to worry about is this moment. I can't affect the future or the past. So all I have is right now, and I can turn to God for guidance, encouragement, insight, or anything I need in this moment, and he is so faithful to give it. But man, it's easy to forget. ;)

Literally me with that right now, trying to figure it all out on my own before I remember I can't and don't need to:

Anyway, this got LONG, surprise surprise, but I've always enjoyed being vulnerable for the sake of connection and potential encouragement. And selfishly, I'd LOVE to hear from any of you who may have had similar experiences. Right now the fixation of my [very limited] capacity is on my photography business, but I've been feeling drawn to writing more and more, and have attempted a lil drabble here and there. So I'm just patiently waiting for the inspiration to return. :)

I have so appreciated the love from you all. I also haven't been as active with reading/reblogging/supporting/etc as I was, and that's just where I'm at right now, but please know that my heart is with you even if my brain is not, LOL.

If you made it this far, you get a gold star. Or a Howzer hug. Or somethin. :)

[lavendersacid]

we gotta stop all of this

you guys are saying that people should write whatever they want and then you heavily criticize and bully them when they share thoughts on smut or porn. it's really hypocritical. i am neutral on this, idc what people write and following the logic that many of you claim to have (people can write whatever they want to about tlou and ellie!) you shouldn't be getting upset when someone says that they don't care for all of the smut under tlou tags and would like to see more fluff and angst. on the other end, you shouldn't tell people what to write, if they want to write smut, you shouldn't care. i've seen a couple controversial posts going around one of them was a girl who complained about smut but had also posted porn links to twitter, which is ridiculous idk how you can even dig yourself out of that lmao. the other one i've seen quite a bit of people bring up as an argument was a more popular writer on here pointing out how common porn addiction is and people really found a way to twist her words, she said explicitly in several posts that the smut and porn wasn't the issue but if you find yourself craving compulsively (needing it to help you sleep, having increased tolerance to it and needing more or more explicit content to satisfy yourself, withdrawal symptoms, that typo stuff. which are addiction symptoms if you don't agree you need to do some research and stop being in denial.) that you may have an addiction to porn. i've seen a ton of people say that she was claiming everyone who read or wrote smut was addicted to porn which is far from the truth and i was shocked when i went on her account and saw that she posted nothing of the sort. pro-smut people are claiming that tlou-warriors are trying to start issues but to me, it seems that they are the ones trying to start issues when they blow an informational post out of context and spread lies about the author who wrote it, i actually can't find her account anymore but if anyone knows it pls lmk. many have said that smut authors are going to get bullied off the platform while actively bullying authors who don't like smut off the platform lol, seperate the artist from the art. as for tlou-warriors harassing pro-smut people, leave them alone, just scroll or block the account if the content you don't like keeps showing up in your feed. that goes both ways. "but people are flooding the tags!" okay? use your own logic and scroll if you don't like it. this is tumblr, ppl are going to write so let them. what if you don't agree? who cares everyone is entitled to their opinions whether you like it or not.