#not sure how much i will sleep tonight
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Daghe Charles! Forza Charles! ❤️🤍
📸 Scuderia Ferrari, Federico Basile, Taidgh Barron, Andrej Isakovic, Glenn Dunbar, anthonymarchese_, Johnny Fidelin
#not sure how much i will sleep tonight#and if you hear nothing from me before/during the race#just know I will have my fingers and toes crossed#and be sitting on the edge of my seat#may all of our love hope and prayers push you to the finish line ahead of everyone else charles#charles leclerc#monaco gp 2024
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my sweet little baby man is no longer with us
#he had his bloodwork done yesterday and the vet said it was fine but he doesnt have much time left#and my bestie is a vet tech who wanted to see the lab results bc she always does and she looked at them#and asked me if she can shiw them to her boss today and i was like sure and immediately knew something was up#today keekki was being himself#then i went to run some errands and when i came back he was laying in front of the front door with his tiny baby head against it#and i was like ''oh ok one of his seizures?''#and theyre like. keekki will drool and not move and they usually last for like 20 minutes (several vets have no idea whats up with those#but it was probably either a kidney or a blood pressure thing)#anyways. it did not pass in 20 minutes so i Knew#i laid on the floor next to him#then my bff sent me a message asking me if i have the time to talk about keekki and its not good news#at this point i was about to call the vet anyways#and she was like ''ok i showed these to my boss (a vet) and she got super angry that ur vet even let you leave the clinic''#bc apparently keekkis bloodwork was so bad he should have been put down then and there but my vet was like a fresh half graduate#so i dont hold it against her. anyways i got an euthanasia appointment for this evening and spent the time before it laying on the couch#crying with keekki in my arms#i had to carry him bc he couldnt really walk without stumbling and falling down#when i had to get up to get his carrier and stuff ready he was taking a nap on the couch where i left him and i took this pic#anyways worst vet visit of my life i could hardly even do anything but nod half the time bc speaking results in me sobbing#anyways. this fucking sucks#i dont know how ill be able to sleep tonight#its been years since i last slept at home without having a little guy plop into my arms#i spent a long time with him in the vet room when he was gone#it feels surreal ive given him his last ever forehead kisses#as i left the room i told him bye the exact same way ive been saying bye to him for the last very many years ive had him#its always moikka keekki before i go to work or the store or literally anything#and that was my last moikka keekki#i hope he felt how loved he was#my dad is sending me older pics of me and keekki and he looks so happy in them. hes always right next to me#idk man im going to stop rambling now
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when you're trying to get the next generation of your breeding project figured out but your spreadsheet brain is exhausted so you just make pages of notes
#flight rising#i know that there are planning tools and spreadsheets out there but i am very much a purist and prefer to make my own spreadsheets#at least like 90% of the time there's some stuff i'll def use a template for#but I've thought through how i want this spreadsheet to work/look and i do genuinely enjoy making spreadsheets#so i'm sure i'll make this one soon#shit if i can't sleep tonight i might give it a shot#I'm about to try to go to bed but we'll see how that goes
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I had an important presentation today and it went well fortunately 💖💕🥹 I’m so tired today though, I’ll probably not finish editing the accident tonight, my apologies 🥺
#love you#tired tired#but I‘m just glad that I can finally move on from the presentation#do you know that feeling when you know you have something like that due next week? and you cannot relax at all#it‘s always subconsciously in your mind#that’s how this presentation felt for me 🥹#I feel so much better now#i will sleep well tonight 💖#Love y‘all#and sorry if someone was waiting for the next part#it’s basically done#I just need to proofread it#but my brain is tired#Tomorrow for sure#and pls lower your expectations on the next part#I made it rather calm#but the part after that will have soooo much drama#I’m eager to write it hehe~ 💖🫶🏻
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God I don't wanna go to therapy tomorrow. Sick of talking about my feelings in a clinical setting. I do enough psychoanalysis just by myself, and now I gotta sit through it with someone else??? Come on.
#speculation nation#i say as if i didnt submit myself to this and am not willingly paying for this to continue#idfk man ive always hated therapy. just kinda kept it going bcus i was so messed up about the whole grief shit#and i guess it's been maybe helpful. i dont know.#SHOULD i mention this tomorrow? i already know it's ass and entirely undeserved#if i did it'd mostly be another source to complain about it. theres really nothing anyone can say to make it better#bc it's bullshit and it already happened. and i already have the objective proof of yet another person losing interest in me.#... i dont know. i feel like it's inevitably going to come up. it's already taken up so much of my thoughts.#my every dream last night stemmed from it all. it was such a fitful night of sleep.#i can only pray that i dont dream about it tonight too. i want a fucking break from it all.#i hope she loses sleep from guilt. i hope she hurts every time she remembers what she did to me.#i hope she comes around tomorrow so she can see the face she kissed and she lied about loving#so she can remember im a person with feelings too. a person who opened up to her. a person who trusted her.#............ okay maybe i should talk about my blatantly vicious retaliatory remarks with my therapist.#i tried to reign it in but Bitch Mode definitely came out earlier today. when it was fresh. and i just wanted to make her Hurt.#i still want that honestly. i want her to truly regret doing this. to be filled with so much guilt for how she chose to do it.#i cant change her feelings. no matter how much i might want to. but i sure as hell can make her regret it.#i feel like im allowed a bit of petty bitchiness after this bullshit. but i also dont like the person i become like this.#anger issues. perhaps i should talk about my anger issues with my therapist.#easier than just rehashing the whole breakup. though i'll probably have to do that some too.#but better to have a goal for it. a direction to focus on. so that it's not just me complaining.#... it still wont be fun. and my ex mentioned coming round an hour after my therapy ends for dropping the shit off.#so Assuming she actually shows up (still not convinced she will after she flaked on me twice)#it's gonna be therapy and then seeing her right after. god it's gonna suck.#i'll try to do some homework maybe. and then maybe see if anyone wants to hang out later tomorrow.#my friends r the real ones. hanging out with me for 7 hours... they traded off between them but still#for 7 hours i was not alone. and that was very nice of them to do.#good things. positives! focusing on the positives. i am a healthy person with a healthy outlook on life. smiles.
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I need to go to bed I’m just gonna shout a lil
#ice hockey needs to chill the fuck out#I had such a good night tonight!! was ssosososossososososo happy#but afterwards people started shouting in the group chat#and they all have very valid reasons for being angry but my god the us vs them mentality is STRONG#I am concerned abt how much people want to escalate things and how quickly they’re moving to do that#I am aware I am a doormat and a people pleaser or whatever but#I mean for one this is a tense political situation and we don’t wanna burn bridges#(there is no real politics i am being dramatic to be clear)#two clubs. alike in dignity. in fair Verona where we lay our scene#and I am personally managing at least 4 fragile egos that are all highly volatile#as well as an internal divide that’s threatening to cause problems very soon#I also should not be part of this anymore! and yet.#also why are specifically men who play team sports so dramatic when you get them all together#like that’s a whole shitstorm that is so easy to set off#anyway with my club I can’t blame the committee for being dramatic (different way to what I just said they’re not the same people)#bc I sure as fuck was overdramatic which fed into other people ramping up BUT that normally snapped me the fuck out of it#so I tempered the worst of it yknow. but I don’t think this new committee has that#/is not willing to listen to the person who would play that role#anyway if people don’t play nice it’s going to start some actual shit which will be deeply unpleasant for everyone#particularly the people who are in both clubs and do not deserve this bc they’ll be getting it from both sides and theyve done nothing wrong#anyway! bedtime now <3 I’m just frustrated bc the person who maybe would’ve calmed everyone down is out of commission#and I should not and am not willing to have the power to tell people to stop even though I probably still could#it’s whatever. sleep#luke.txt
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disordered eatings cw
just realized i haven't experieienced haunger in like a week and therefore i keep forgetiting to eat and that is prorbably nogt helping with my energy prohblems...turns out hunger is good for something eafter all. but i just have literally no appetite whatsoever like where did it go??
#i've gone through periods before of not being very hungry or not having much of an appetite but this is#next level like i can't rememebr feeling at all hungry in any way for sevral days running#maybe i should take my sleeping pill that stimulates appetite tonight#not sure how wowrried about this i should be because like the biggest problem is that i'm not eating#because i'm not hungry and time has no meaning so i forget. and i should be eating#so maybe i don't need to solve the appentite problem if i just solve the eating problem in steqaed?#but how to solvd tghe eating problem?#i will tell my friend to text me three times a day#wow i am such a smartypants
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:((((
#i am doing this entire database assignment by myself basically. some of them figured out the er diagram a few days ago and i volunteered to#write the paper because i was sick that day and felt bad for not participating#turns out literally everything they've done is wrong and im 99% sure it was all from chatgpt the code is wrong and not the way the professor#wants it. so now ive written the entire paper and have to rewrite the SQL code and build the fucking database#all while i have an exam at 8 tomorrow#im probably not going to sleep tonight#its fine im not like stressed to the point of feeling shitty and depressed i know that i just have to survive the day and things will be ok#after this#but idk how people can be like this#idk how you can be okay with letting one person do the majority of the work on a group assignment. if that were me the shame would kill me#and when i asked for help in the group chat no one responded it's been seen by all members but no reply and that pissed me off so much#id rather they come out and say they don't know how to do it than flat out ignore the work.
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dunno if this is just placebo effect but I do feel like it's already helping a bit. usually at work I'm fighting for my life trying to write emails or ask ppl for things bc I find it so hard to put my words in order in a way that makes sense to other people but it's been 100% fine.. and I've managed to just Do every task I need so far without rly needing to think..... I feel so calm wtf
#can't really tell if I have any side effects so far. apart from dry mouth but I had that yesterday.. I think im catching my roommates cold#also a bit sweaty but thats bc we STILLLLLL dont have functional AC at work and im working with an 80c water bath this morning 😭#its like a sauna in here rip#my stomachs being weird but then again when is she not. and its usual for me to get the shits on my period#so nothing definitive......#maybe sounds strange but I also just feel more aware of my environment. normally when im walking around I look at the ground a lot#but this morning on my walk from the bus stop I realised I wasnt doing that. actually maybe first time ive even noticed I DO do that#its too early to tell if this IS from meds but we'll see the next few days.. im glad i took it on a work day bc its much easier to see-#how it might affect me. i think last time i wasnt sure if there was any effect bc it was a weekend so i didnt have much i needed to do#but also last time i didnt have any side effects until the insomnia hit so we'll see how bad tonight is 😝 at least its a friday so if-#i cant sleep i can just play elden ring its whateverrrr#.diaries
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you can't take a picture of this - it's already gone.
one year since i moved out of my mom's house to live on my own. all this clutter and stuff came to the apartment w me but still, i am unable to really call it home. before i even lived there we lived in a different house which i was then longing to return to post-divorce so i know change is inevitable and it's all just part of how life goes but still it's like. will home ever stop feeling like a place and time you only keep growing more distant from every day. idk
#mine#my old bedroom pictures w bonus photo of our living room. i still go there hell im going there tonight we will watch tv as usual#the living room still looks p much exactly the same as it does in that photo w a sofa for each coasters ready fr tea & tv slightly tilted.#and in the room that once was mine i still have a bed to sleep in. but they're not my sheets and there's no personal clutter in sight.#mom got these grey oak cabinets that hold spare blankets and toilet paper. it's her laundry room where she hangs laundry to dry.#the orange wall w my mural is still there. i remember how the sunlight would sometimes hit that wall and reflect back deliciously bright.#she's looking forward to painting it a soothing green maybe later this spring or summer. it's gonna be the final step of redecorating.#im still welcome to stay over but it's not my house anymore. im expected to leave fr an address that doesnt really feel like mine either.#idk ive been feeling like. a tree collecting rings but not being entirely sure the core is still under there yknow. and i wanna go back.
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I just wish people liked being around me
#i feel so fucking lonely#like i was yalking to my friend who was talking about how he was imvited to go out tonight#and thats never happened to me#ive never been invited to places really#unless i kinda invite myself tbh#ive never gone to a bar and then gone to a second location#i just wanna have people who think pf me when theyre doing things#i want people to want me around#and is some of this the DID talking ?? yes#i have parts who mever get to do things like that for one reason pr another#i want people to think im cool in some regard or at least interesting enough to keep around#but no#im just here alone on a friday night and i couldnt go out cuz im sick#meanwhile my partner is sleeping over at a friends place cuz hey shes got a car and is good at people#she gets invited to things all the time and im so fucking burnt out from work that i never get to fucking do anything i hate this so much#i just feel so goddamn alone and unwanted#i know the latter isnt true but it sure fucking feels like it rn#and im gonna be even more isolated this summer since im working 2 jobs#and none of my close friends like to do anything interesting#im just so bored and stagnant and lonesome#i wish i coul sleep
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It’s my middle child’s 3rd birthday today 🥺
3 years ago my partner was deployed overseas and couldn’t come home for the birth because the military didn’t want to spend so much time quarantining their soldiers. Fortunately I had help as my parents were watching my son (at the time just a month shy of 2) for a few days before my due date and we had moved across the street from my partner’s parents when we found out about the deployment. So I had his mom with me at the hospital holding up her phone while we got to have a rare video call with my partner as we welcomed our daughter into the world after a very quick labor. I then had two months with our two very little kids by myself before he came home. It was an incredibly hectic time and I’m still not quite sure how I was able to get through all of that but here we are with the sweetest little 3 year old (let’s call her C) we could have asked for 🥰
C loves to play dress up and she has specific characters she’ll play as where you can’t refer to her as her name or she’ll get mad. She’s not C she’s Dr C or Baby or Baby Kitty or Princess Bucket (this was her first character and yes she does put a bucket on her head as a crown). Her favorite game to play is hide and seek and she loves dance parties and drawing and she’s obsessed with her 1 year old sister. We love C so much and I’m so excited to see how she grows and changes and learns over this next year ❤️
#personal#tonight her and her little sister are sleeping in their beds in their very own room for the first time#they’ve had their beds in my bedroom since we moved in and very often just ended up in our bed#but I’ve spent the past few days getting the room we’ve used for storage ready for them#and they’re doing really well so far#I’m sure they’ll end up in my bed again at some point but this is at least a step in the right direction#our crib that we’ve used for all 3 babies turns into a toddler bed and as I was taking it apart and putting it back together in the new room#my son started crying because he didn’t want his sisters to be big girls in their own room#he wanted me to put everything back and make the 1 year old 0 again so she could keep being a baby#I should point out that he is also obsessed with his baby sister#I told him that’s not quite how it works and kids are meant to grow up#and then he asked yet again for a baby brother because he loves babies so much and then he’d have a brother just like him 😅#he’s very sweet but also…. that’s not happening lol#I’m slowly becoming a person again and being able to focus more time on hobbies#and my partner and I now have our room back#all of that would be reset again with another baby not to mention another year of nursing and diapers and sleepless nights…. pass lol#I’m emotional about my babies growing up but I’m also so excited to learn who they’ll become as time goes on#sorry for rambling I get sappy on their birthdays
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ok gotta get up and shower soon and maybe take more nsaids and then hopefully I'll feel human again 🤞
#i am in. so much pain today#i woke up and was immediately like 'oh this is why pple abuse opiods' like that kinda pain#it got a little better as i let myself wake up slowly#but idk how I'm supposed to get up at 630 for work tomorrow!!!#gonna take melatonin tonight for sure cause the pain has been fucking with my sleep#idk. i don't like when my functioning is this low. it hurts just to walk around and I'm supposed to clean the stove????#doth oversharing hour
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I am suddenly very tired, and didn't realize it was already almost 10 pm.
It feels like I just got home from work, and I only worked the lunch shift today.
#i clocked out at 5#but i have an hour drive to pick up draven from my grandma's#then another half hour drive home#plus i went to taco bell#and i'm not sure how much time i spent talking to my grandma#i work a double tomorrow#but i'll be on in the morning before i leave#as long as i can get some decent sleep tonight#outofmonsters; ooc
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how does one respond when one's favorite author(s) comments on one's fic, like, how does one construct a comment purely out of drool, tears, and maniacal giggling? asking for a friend. >.>
#taking a brief break from work to chip at the ongoing mountain of feedback i never expected#i feel too supportedddddd#too much happy#too much love#how do i cope with this?#how do yall cope with this?#surely i cant be the only one who struggles with this??#how can something simultaneously feel so good and yet so exhausting?!?!#idk how to deal lmao#ESP WHEN SOME OF UR FICS ARE MAKING ME CRY LIKE A FERAL BEAST AT 3AM like#also sometimes it feels like yall's fics have eyes#like oh HELLO kenobster ur looking nice this morning but weren't u just screaming incoherently at the floor like 3 hours ago bc of my fic?#lol and honestly like another thing is that yall just saw straight into the deepest levels of my soul#like#you just saw me naked!#and now i'm expected to waltz right in and show my face in a comment? it's too embarrassing!#does this make sense to literally anyone else? lol#or do i need to like maybe sleep for more than 4 hours tonight#personal
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whoever uploaded 30 rock’s entire run including the missing from hulu eps plus dvd extras to the internet archive…. i owe you my fucking life fr
#this has been a text post#i just wanted to see my man paul!!!!#i will probably finish my rewatch tomorrow 🥲 but it’s been beautiful and i’ll rewatch again for sure#hard to overstate how much tina and those writers like. shaped my whole sense of humor for years to come#but i’ll be emotional tomorrow. tonight i write and then SLEEP
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