#notes from the word page

[questioningdragons]

I ffeel like I could really get my shit together if this weekend was just one day longer.

[sensitiveheartless]

(the rest is under the cut!)

[istherewifiinhell]

IS FLYING GENDERED? On the masculine default, typifying gender in genre, and women as the other in the transformers cartoons.

question for the ages

once again i said back in the halcyon days of watching g1 (aka 5 months ago) i was like. Nooooo, decepticon is NOT a gender that's Silly. It's funny, but as a Read Of The Text, I thought it largely unneeded. (The concept came about, as a joke, involving dismissing the bad guys using the same language you would abt women (sexistly) that they're emotional [heh, flighty], vain, and shrill) after all. If in the 80s era there are 5 whole named/speaking woman tfs, its only ever gonna get better from here right? (<- booboo the fool)

anyway

Let's consider the axiom that the assumed default gender is male, that maleness is often seen as LACK of gender, and femaleness and gender variance are the PRESENCE of gender. In certain reasoning and worldviews, of course (See Androcentrism). Then add that, for transformers, the assumed default thing a transformer turns into, is car. (Autocentrism, if you will)

(The most general term for what a tf turns into is "Alt mode" as some of them are not vehicles at all. The other mode is "Robot Mode", whether its humanoid or not)

So I will be laying out why I believe the cartoon iterations support: non standard alt modes = non standard genders. This is in spite of the fact that FIRST lady tfs were all cars. Sleek cyber cars, but still. For whatever reason, (possibly, the reason for everything in tf, toys) they might as well not exist for how woman tf characters presence in the cartoons progressed over time.

And, to be clear, this is a reading of how these works of fiction are created, not a new unified bioessentialism but for robots aliens I'm proposing for like. In universe lore reasons. I hate that idea.

That said, alt modes in order of most to least gender: Spider, motorcycle, flying (in general, with rotors, jets), tank, and then FINALLY, car. (water and space crafts are already too marginal to rank, but they too can be assumed in relation to default maleness, AND that in making one a woman, would still qualify as othering her).

The NUMBER one reason for this is the bizarre need to have an ESTABLISHED woman tf character before making new ones. AS YOU MIGHT IMAGINE. With a g1 gender ratio something like.... (counting even the most marginal cases for the ladies) 9:120? (That's a rough count from a quick scanning of the tf wiki g1 char list) Shits dire out here.

The second is, ofc, character design based. cis people [stand in phrase for the hegemonic world view] are not okay, and their opinions about how tf gender must need be depicted visually is. uh? Im not a fan. Size and shape dimorphism in general is a given, and specifically having women tfs as far more humanoid and curvy in specific. Also general cartoon lady face syndrome but, whatever. I think there's exactly one character here who doesn't have "lips" or "lipstick" as a distinguishing factor. I'm so tired.

Third is generally, the idea of The Girl Of the Team. When there's The Girl, she often isn't JUST a normal character, who happens to be a girl. See, of course, the Smurtfette Principle. But in my view there's also a trend to give The Girl "special traits" on top of "Girl", maybe even to directly combat the idea that the Girl Character has no other traits? To stop this from being a General Primer on Woman in Media, my explanatory focus is things specific to the tf franchise.

(A phrase I use for thinking about normative modes [in general, not just the Alt ones] in within the tf universe is "unique transformerdom" or, even more clunkily, "A transformer of unique transformerdom". The excessive verbosity is amusing to me personally. All I mean by it is to have an umbrella term for any of the ways tfs can be made unique from their peers in the non allegorical realities of the fiction).

I could, and do, and greatly want to, speak about this AT LENGTH. But it keeps spiraling away from me. So I'll say for now were looking at ways a character is being depicted different from her peers, not because she is the only woman (which she likely is), but cause she's a different kind of transformer, AND if she's othered for it.

(IN SOME forms of the lore. Being a transformer woman, IS A UNIQUE KIND of transformer unto itself. Let's just say I hate it and move on)

Fourth, is the gender of villainy. There is much to be said about gender presentation of villains, the ways they are allowed to be aberrant. We will get to it. There is also all the tropes specific TO evil women, and the modes of villainy open TO female characters. But a general thing I think impacting the gender ratios of the factions is the how "Good" and "Evil" female characters are written. I'll generalize and call this the "Damsel vs Temptress" dichotomy. (See concepts like the Madonna-whore complex). Transformers, is by and large, an action franchise. Unless special reasons are made, characters who can impact the action– have more screen time, and likely more memorable, and iconic presences. A villainous woman can be unchaste, violent, aggressive. While a heroic woman, even if not a literal damsel are more likely to be in a support role. The secretaries of the action genre: medics and techs.

(Another factor is that tfs are giant robots, and the good guys are often friends with tiny squishy little humans. These make very good damsel fodder, and can be taking up the spots on the roster that might, in a different franchise, go to women. Additionally, while woman characters in transformers overall is an interesting topic. When I say tf women, I'm referring to ones that are in fictionally, transformers.)

SO, now understanding our points of attack/obstacles for getting woman into transformers. (Getting established, gendering the designed, uniqueness of existence, and general villainy). Lets go over those alt modes, and the characters that have em, in more detail.

Spiders

The "Beast Era" (1996) intro-ed the spider ofc. And what don't we have with this one. She's a villain, but shes also misunderstood, the era and design style let to these more organic shapes. And they used them to make sure she was very sexy. She's genre aware, she's quippy, she's an absolute icon. So naturally. She gets ported to other later shows. Which means we just have sexy spider ladies running around when everyone else is a fucking truck and shit.

Her own origin is, well think of her as a "Bride of Frankenstein" to the resident evil scientist, also a spider. She was designed for, and manipulated by him in multiple ways. Her protoform (A blank robot base), was supposed to be one of the good guys (a Maximal), but was reprogrammed into a bad guy (Predacon). Even then, she eventually joins them, for her own reasons. She's not even the first predacon to do so, the difference? Well the characters are a lot more NORMAL about his autonomy. Both of these characters stress that being a predacon is an identity they still see as important. But only the woman is told that really, she is was was always MEANT to be a maximal. And while that's true in a sense. There's also a plot were she's forced (by plot contrivance, not the other maximals) to get corrective robot surgery for it. And when they think she died from, everyone's more sad for her boyfriend than for her. Ouch.

The second spider, in the 2007 show, is now one in a world where she is the only "techno-organic" transformer, hence, she is spider, everyone else is a vehicle. Similar to the first, her narrative is very gendered, but less in the way were, like, I do literally think the first was was experiencing in universe sexism from other characters. Here, they really focus on the "techno vs organic" narrative, and the tragic circumstances on how that happened. In this case its just real world sexist writing.

THIRD SPIDER, (2010), instead of misunderstood and tragic evil, this ones just super mega likes to cause pain evil. She also occupies a strange place between the typic vehicular tfs, and the insecticons. This is because she has a helicopter alt mode, and her robot mode is just, a lady with spider characteristics. And, more than just a passing bug like similarity, she has the power to control the insecticons (you know, cause evil woman mind control). However, she doesn't fit in with them either, as the insecticons are at the most insect like they've ever been, in look, living in hives and that most don't even speak.

They may vary in exact character, relationship to the story's moral conflict, and design. But they stay comfortably established, dimorphised, flirty and flirting with villainy. And bonus points, always, for black widow spider trope.

SO. SPIDERS. Established: ✅️ Gendered designs: ✅️ (Extremely!) Unique: ✅️ Othered: ✅️ Villainy: ✅️

Motorcycles

Tooooo my knowledge the first bike lady was in 2004, and fairly minor, in the actual plot, but rest assured, they did go the previously established woman route, by being pink, though, which one shes named after varies by language. But neither were previously motorcycles. (And yes, there is also this problem of mixing together or swapping out one woman tf for another. As if we have the ladies to spare). Even though motorcycle men also exist, this one just stuck for a bit. Maybe something to do with Those Movies. I think the Gendered Existence of a motorcycle is pretty evident though, general sex appeal, being smaller, the mode of riding a motorcycle is different, more physical and intimate. Mainly this ranks so high for the level of grossness they can pack in. Just how objectifying it can be, particularly with two instances where the human rider is an annoying teen boy. Naturally, I've also never seen a male and female motorcycle in the same room, but the approach to design tends to be different. And yeah most of em are Arcee, who's first alt mode was cyber car, but it's not just her.

Established: ✅️ Gendered designs: ✅️ Unique: ✅️ Othered: Depends on iteration, I do NOT like the way one gets called "tough, for a two wheeler". Villainy: ❌(they wouldn't need to be motorcycles if they weren't making them the Special Girl Autobot, after all)

Flying

General: It just tends to stick out when your one girl is only flyer in the group, even she's otherwise tactfully done. Only flyer of the Maximals, a falcon, only flyer of the dinobots, a Pteranodon.

Rotors

I can barely even figure this one. Maybe it's just a general, aesthetics and use case of the actually vehicles, the associations? None of these ladies (and special case) are very connected otherwise. As previously mentioned, the spider helicopter. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

A big one for this is the preschool demo shows, which are rescue team focused. In the first one the only woman on the human response worker team pairs with the helicopter, they mention she does medical at times. The helicopter is male, like the other tfs. But also he's afraid of flying, and while not the first case of a flyer with a fear of heights, their personalities are, pretty different. As he's both fearful AND effeminate, fine as character traits go but, with the tone of humour used, marks him as Other.

In the second, Whirl (pointing to icon) becomes a girl for the first time, now with standard humanized face. I assume as move to keep with the previous show of having a girl one, as there's no human team mates. She's also the only one who really likes rescue school. Aaaand that's all know of her. What more do you want from me.

Helicopters: Unique: ✅️ Othered: ✅️ (milder than some)

But why'd I call this section rotors instead of helicopters? That would be because one of the latest Sole Female TF we just put in everything™ is a VTOL jet with rotors. She'll tend to be the only jet of her type, which is also smaller than the type of jet used for the villains.

And, of course, aside from alt mode, the thing that makes her stand out most in the cartoons? That she's very clearly a comics character. (I find the emphasize that she's "fan created" over done, as it only controlled minor aspects, and irrelevant cause tfs get completely overhauled in new versions all the time). From her design, which is a bit busier than most characters she stars with. And also uses Japanese aesthetic signifiers in ways that I think are a bit misappropriated and untactful. (VERY USamerican comics). Also, when she stars next to a guy, also from comics employing Japanese aesthetic, you can tell its not deployed in the same manner. (E.I she has hair and makeup, he has armor). Either way, her depictions have her either as badass sword lady on mission from god who's constantly getting hit on by an annoying guy. Or have her be from a different planet and has special telepathy.

Do we see how both her gender AND the cultural signifiers are having affects here? That the main woman tf in a series can be a literal alien even among our alien robots, with cultural signifiers they don't have?

Ratings Established: ✅️ (made the comics to cartoon jump) Gendered designs: ✅️ Unique: ✅️ Othered: ✅️ (SO SO EXTREMELY, using methods in fiction and real life)

Jets

I think my association of jets with tf gender is stronger, than some of the above examples, even if there's less reason to it. And why is that? Well, lets get socratic. Here's another question.

Is This All Starscream's Fault?

No. He's not real, he can't do things. But. His legacy as THE main stay transformers character that gets to subvert gender? Yeah. (Sure, the G1 autobots have their own effete, but he's not in every single cartoon they ever made now is he? Plus now that I think about it, he is a FLYING car...)

From the get, he's not a Man's man. He's shrill, he's manipulative and duplicitous, petty and emotional, cowardly and wheedling. He is, of course, the Perfect character. Now naturally, the 80s cartoon was not concerned with your paltry logics. Starscream and his ilk are the jets, but every decepticon can fly. The gun, the cassette player, the camera, the cassettes.

And each to a last, more masculine than he is. Vocally or behaviorally, physically. Every one of them fit the gender expectations more than he does. Even being a small time grunt, is a masculine trait, after all, more so than unchecked ambition. So its not femininity from flying, from jets. But direct relationship, reference, and descendancy from Starscream that makes it. I've yet to see female versions of Jet fire and or the aerialbots, for example.

So what to do when an effeminate male villain was less maltese falcon and more that man has effeminate hips? Well. We had to start getting his ass for being effeminate, explicitly. They made the female clone of him, which yeah, is an offensive joke stemming from the various The Gender Anxieties. (Transmisogyny, homophobia and sexism. General relation toxic masculinity. A heady mix of all and more).

But I mean. It's free girl tf... Once given a name in extra canon materials, she start's showing up in other things. Once you're in books, video games, comics, and most importantly, toys, you're real. And then eventually, her first non clone appearance in a cartoon, and how her presence shaped it.

That being, Cyberverse. Which is a cgi show, you need to know this for reasons of production. Making new models is expensive. This has always been the reason you just make recolours of Starscream and name them different things. Chicken or egg on this one, I don't know, But because CV has Slipstream, and the only difference between her and the generic "male" decepticon jet, is a more feminine face; Suddenly, any random decepticon goon can be a woman.

An absolutely revolutionary take for striving to populate a fictional world with gender parity. By at large it also means they're way more lady villains, and specifically flying model of villain. The show has other woman, but none who get the same androgynous body mold treatment.

Established: ✅️ Gendered designs: Mildly to NO. Unique: By design, no. Othered: Yes for the clone, and Screamer himself, I suppose. No, otherwise. Villainy: ✅️(That's, the whole idea)

Tanks

It needs to be said. Sometimes, when doing things that transgress a norm, anteing up is less subversive. This is another reason why gender variance, female agency and overt sexuality are more common traits of villains. When already defying strictures of society. What's one more.

That's Right. TANKS ARE THE BUTCH WOMAN OF TRANSFORMERS.

Alright. Let me back up. Strika is the stone cold knock out undefeated champ of lady tf designs that, actually has a reoccurring cartoon presence. She is, admittedly, only a reoccurring to minor character.

Her introduction is in another show with techno-organics, this one involved in the struggle between well, the techno and the organic. Strika as we see her, and as the design that will go on to be iterated, is not in her normal transformer body. She has been transferred into a 'vehicon' body. Without a preexisting essence contained in one, vehicons are not considered alive, in the way a transformer is. Visually, they lack the more human body plan, a standard face, feet and hand like appendages.

To further contrast Strika against the two techno-organic woman. Both of them are tall, and slender. Their softer organic shapes designed towards elegance or beauty, whatever your subjective opinion of that result might be. They both have romance subplots too. By the way. Or honestly one subplot and one main plot. Strika. In contrast. Is built like a brick shit house. Her face is. Minimal. And her goal: protecting her planet... by terminating the heroes.

Now, existing as a character that can be referenced for other media, and given the detail that she was a "Famous general", it's off to the races. She makes a wonderful big tank menace that can fill out a background shot, too.

Without her I hardly think we could have Clobber, also from CV. Who is. The true goat. The finest thing, the achievements of all we could ever hope for. A big fuck off woman, gender swapped from a previous male design with minimal faff, with now even more personality and show presence. Friends, wants, desires. Emotions. Thank God for Clobber, Thank Clobber for Clobber. Thank Randolph Heard and Mae Catt for Clobber.

Established: Depends if you want to count that Strika had so much swag they kept drawing/modeling her Gendered designs: FUCK NO Unique: ✅️ Othered: only originally Villainy: ✅️

Cars

So now you have the final piece of the puzzle. In transformers, Autobots are Cars. Yes, there are plenty of autobots that are NOT cars, and there are cars that are not Autobots. But they're exceptions, they're aberrances. They're unique. And Autobots are the norm. They oppose the Decepticons. Decepticons are Villains. And Decepticons can fly. Modal simplified binaries and false dichotomy abound!

And the thing about those original Autobot woman, the one's who largely did not influence all of this? They were cars, it's true, but not like how the men where cars. They've not been designed from transforming car toys, with a shellac of humanoid gender over top. Their designed in the way of human gender. With the car on top.

When the preexisting clause leads to the original designs to be revisited, which, has largely only happened in more recent years. They aren't car woman robots. The cars are literally not part of their bodies, they are additional. Instead of a unifying identity of a robot who is a car, its Arcee and her backpack. Parts of cars get grafted onto their petite lady bodies, and placed anywhere out of the way.

In order to make a transformer a woman, they have to give her a gender, not understanding that that's always been the case. And to give her a woman's gender, she's got to LOOK like a woman, not a transformer. And to look like a woman, she's got to act like a woman. She must be heroic but reactive instead of active, or else, villainous, conniving and or self centered. To be a woman, we must have some other previous woman to explain her presence, or else explain it anew with her unique, strange, or exotic origin. How could she ever be a woman if she simply, existed, looked average, talked average. How could she be a woman if her body is hunks of ungendered car. How can she be a woman if she's everything we expect a transformer to be.

A woman is transgressive, a woman is not normal. Autobots are normal. Autobots are heros. Autobots are men. And Autobots do not fly.

[torithehoshi]

Oh look - it's him the Whole!

I think I prefer Whole as a concept more than a character, and I've certainly thought of that more. However, it doesn't mean I dislike the idea of Whole as a character. There's a lot of cool and interesting interpretations and as usual - people are really creative. Though I wasn't thinking too hard through my album listens about Whole as a character which is why it lingered with me but I didn't have too many of my own thoughts.

. And then I started listening to Pathological Facade by GHOST AND PALS again which led to something really clicking. So I've drawn Whole!! Tbf I actually have drawn him before in my sketchbook 'cause of another song I was listening to but the lyrics are me kiind of stretching it? I'll see what I do with it later - though I wanted to share these ones I did since like I said before - traditional drawing and digital feel different for me and it'd been a while. There aren't a lot but I like 'em!

[More ramblings under the cut 'cause this is getting long]

I just knew I wanted him to have a fusion (the word I intended to use but hadn't noticed until now???) of some elements in my HMS designs hair and face wise. And while I only have two frame redraws from the video (which are my favorite frames btw), it's something I've been thinking of a lot 'and... hope I can better articulate? . Although the lyrics really made me think of that 'cause I think about the lyrics of Pathological Facade a lot 'cause of its lyrics...

Although who knows - I want to finish the second drawing as something more fully-fledged but I have like... a few other WIPs and ideas I'd like done before the end of the year just personally before I start something new. I think this doodle looks really nice on its own though - I had fun drawing it. That song's really good.

[insane-weasel]

I think as writers we should hold funerals for our WIPs more often.

Dearly beloved, gather us here today where this fic of some middle-aged man getting rawdogged and this other fanfic about the importance of friendship are laid to rest, because the author got really distracted playing that new video game.

We celebrate what could have been, cut-and-recycle those really good lines or ideas, because I swear I'm going to use them, I swear! And drag this poor document not to the great recycling bin or trash, but to the "graveyard" folder because sometimes I like to commune with the dead.

[cerealmonster15]

Save Me a Dance [Jamil/Azul/Riddle]

[Ao3 Link]

Summary: Jamil, Riddle, and Azul take some time to enjoy themselves together at the Masquerade Ball.

“Rather spirited, isn’t he?” 

Riddle spun around to face Jamil, who smiled and extended a hand out towards him.

“Indeed,” Riddle agreed as he accepted Jamil’s hand and fell in step with his movements. “I’m glad to see that Azul was more than just talk over how hard he and the others practiced their singing.”

The pair glanced over at where Azul stood in the center of the ballroom, singing his heart out alongside Malleus and Idia during the dance. Azul looked to be putting his all into every note, especially compared to the less than enthused looking Idia just a few feet away.

Jamil lifted his hand to twirl Riddle around. “I’d expect nothing less of him, really. Azul would never dream of making a fool of himself at such a public event…” he smirked. “Well, at least not from lack of effort, anyway.”

Riddle returned Jamil’s smug grin with one of his own. “You’re quite right about that. And by the looks of it, your extra dancing lessons with him definitely paid off, didn’t they? You looked to be enjoying yourself more out there with him each time we performed.”

The teasing nature of Riddle’s voice was not lost on Jamil. He huffed out a sigh in response, electing to twirl Riddle around a few more times to hide his own pouting. “Hey, come on, now. I didn’t want him to embarrass our school any more than he didn’t.”

“And he just let you help him for free?” Riddle asked, a playful eyebrow raise accompanying his question.

“Pft, of course not. I had to ‘make him promise’ to help Kalim study for an upcoming exam in my stead when we get back.” Jamil sighed, shaking his head. “Azul is still Azul, no matter how you look at him.”

Riddle’s grin softened into a gentler smile. “Perhaps that frees your schedule to come have tea with us in Heartslabyul?”

Jamil returned the smile. “That sounds nice, actually. I just might take you up on the offer.”

When the song finished, and everyone left their final positions to swarm the singers with praise, Azul turned away from the grumpy-as-ever Idia to face more welcoming company.

“Did you all enjoy my singing?” He asked the group that gathered, though his gaze was focused on Riddle and Jamil, eagerly anticipating their reactions the most. 

Riddle couldn’t even try to hide his smile, swept up in the excitement of the evening’s festivities. “You hardly need our validation. I’m sure you’re very aware of how well you did.” He knew full well of how confident Azul was in his singing abilities, and while he didn’t normally enjoy inducing any of the Octavinelle boys’ obvious baiting… Well, Riddle still knew when to give credit where credit was due. 

Jamil shook his head. “Way to  be a sore winner,” he sighed, but even he couldn’t hide the smile creeping across his face as he met Azul’s eyes. “Very classy.”

Their smiles alone seemed to fill Azul with plenty of satisfaction and fulfillment. “I’ll take that as the highest of compliments,” he said, beaming back at the pair. 

As more students gathered to shower the trio of singers with compliments, Jamil and Riddle slowly made their way through the crowd and off to the side. They shared a moment of comfortable quiet between themselves, taking their time to decompress and - with some urging on Jamil’s part - taste the refreshments. 

“Not too tired from dancing yet, I hope?” 

Jamil and Riddle turned around and were yet again met by an approaching Azul.

“I do believe,” he continued, “that someone still owes me a dance tonight.” His gaze landed on Riddle, and he extended his hand out with a smile. “I’ll hope you didn’t wear him out already, Jamil.”

“Not a chance,” Jamil smirked. “Riddle could’ve just exhausted himself after a marathon and he’d still have more than enough stamina to keep up in a dance with you, Azul.”

Azul rolled his eyes. “Very funny. You’re only backhanding your own teaching skills with that kind of talk, you know.”

Riddle snickered as he took Azul’s hand and stepped forward. “Well, then… I suppose it’s all on you to showcase both Jamil’s teaching abilities and your newfound dance skills, hmm?”

“I certainly shall!” Azul huffed, but then smiled as he pulled Riddle close and began to dance. “And don’t you worry, Jamil,” he called over his shoulder as they moved further into the crowd. “I’ll make sure to find you afterwards for one more ‘test’ of my stamina.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Jamil waved the pair away, hiding a smile as he lifted his drink to his lips. “I’m sure you will.”

[c-rowlesdraws]

(Jokingly, please do not rush story)

Nettle and Sweet-Pea have a story????? Want!

they do!! With a plot and everything! Shockingly, there is more to them than just disconnected little drawings of them doing mundane activities together. That's only most of what there is to them.

[denimshortsdean]

The thing about me is that I am constantly terrorising the groupchat with destiel ideas that come to me out of nowhere. I say sorry but we all know it will happen again in like. 6 hours

[itspileofgoodthings]

there’s a certain white noise quality Taylor’s biggest hits (and to some extent all her songs) adopt after a while because they’re just SO MUCH part of the culture and the media etc. and we encounter them everywhere and it’s magical when that obfuscating veil drops for a second and you can hear the song as if for the first time

[questioningdragons]

I am watching Jessica Kelgren-Fozard's video about her ADHD diagnosis, and going, yep, oh yeah, yep relate to that.

Fuck, do I want to go private to pay for an adhd assessment?

[coridallasmultipass]

Working on a fic still and laughing at these absolutely absurd conversations Bro and Dave have. But also lmao, Dennis from Game Bro with his broken thumb.

They're so fucking dramatic, and oh my god I just realized this probably makes zero sense at all, out of context. Idk how to convey how hilarious this moment is to me, without the miles of words written beforehand. I just need to laugh about it publically lol.

[pryordraws]

I'm dangerously close to hyperfixating on a movie that won't come out for a year. why

[taegularities]

Me being an angsty gal going back to cmi monochrome chapter after reading cmi 10 🤣 im stuck in a cmi loop Rid! Its a cycle now 🥹

MONOCHROME? reliving the absolute worst pain, huh?! 😭 i really have found my people.. :') also pls, you being stuck in a cmi loop is one of the biggest compliment you could give me so ily okay 🙄🫶🏻

[dogbunni]

nensai nation I have almost finished my first draft of The Oneshot and I love to say it but this might end up being a chaptered fic

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[umilily]

Soooo what are your thoughts on Shinsen hold me tight

i'm not okay 😭

like, i was sure i'd love it from the preview and it absolutely delivered. why does he sound like that, i want to cry. i had to do so many mundane things today, all while just wanting to scream at the top of my lungs. i'm still processing. i did read a translation earlier, but my brain is still just going brrrr, so i'm not going to go into depth on that right now, but aaaaaaahhh- i like that from a random person's point of view this is going to sound nothing like what my himeru-filled brain is going to do with it. i like the ambiguity. much like himeru, it walks a very interesting line of real and not quite real. i think it suits him that it's written in a way where it's so undefined, generally speaking. makes the contrast of him wanting something more tangible all the more striking and painful :'( also raises the question what that 'clearer outline' is supposed to look like or if he (or anyone?) even knows? i also find the notion that one's 'shape' is created by their perception through others really intersting here.

i'm gonna need to ponder this for a bit longer.