#nothing ever happens i guess lol
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Arti makes a very smart not flawed at all decision
#Rw siblings au#Rw Artificer#Rw Hunter#Rw No significant harassment#<-Since he’s there too I guess lol#And then nothing bad ever happened to either twin
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Thinking about Elizabeth Woodville as a gothic heroine is making me go insane. She entered the story by overturning existing social structures, provoking both ire and fascination. She married into a dynasty doomed to eat itself alive. She was repeatedly associated with the supernatural, both in terms of love and death. Her life was shaped entirely by uncanny repetitions - two marriages, two widowhoods, two depositions, two flights to sanctuary, two ultimate reclamations, all paralleling and ricocheting off each other. Her plight after 1483 exposed the true rot at the heart of the monarchy - the trappings of royalty pulled away to reveal nothing, a never-ending cycle of betrayal and war, the price of power being the (literal) blood of children. She lived past the end of her family name, she lived past the end of her myth. She ended her life in a deeply anomalous position, half-in and half-out of royal society. She was both a haunting tragedy and the ultimate survivor who was finally free.
#elizabeth woodville#nobody was doing it like her#I wanted to add more things (eg: propaganda casting her as a transgressive figure and a threat to established orders; the way we'll never#truly Know her as she's been constantly rewritten across history) but ofc neither are unique to her or any other historical woman#my post#wars of the roses#don't reblog these tags but - the thing about Elizabeth is that she kept winning and losing at the same time#She rose higher and fell harder (in 1483-85) than anyone else in the late 15th century#From 1461 she was never ever at lasting peace - her widowhood and the crisis of 1469-71 and the actual terrible nightmare of 1483-85 and#Simnel's rebellion against her family and the fact that her birth family kept dying with her#and then she herself died right around the time yet another Pretender was stirring and threatening her children. That's...A Lot.#Imho Elizabeth was THE adaptor of the Wars of the Roses - she repeatedly found herself in highly anomalous and#unprecedented situations and just had to survive and adjust every single time#But that's just...never talked about when it comes to her#There are so many aspects of her life that are potentially fascinating yet completely unexplored in scholarship or media:#Her official appointment in royal councils; her position as the first Englishwoman post the Norman Conquest to be crowned queen#and what that actually MEANT for her; an actual examination of the propaganda against her; how she both foreshadowed and set a precedent#for Henry VIII's english queens; etc#There hasn't even been a proper reassessment of her role in 1483-85 TILL DATE despite it being one of the most wildly contested#periods in medieval England#lol I guess that's what drew me to Elizabeth in the first place - there's a fundamental lack of interest or acknowledgement in what was#actually happening with her and how it may have affected her. There's SO MUCH we can talk about but historians have repeatedly#stuck to the basics - and even then not well#I guess I have more things to write about on this blog then ((assuming I ever ever find the energy)#also to be clear while the Yorkists did 'eat themselves alive' they also Won - the crisis of 1483-85 was an internal conflict within#the dynasty that was not related to the events that ended in 1471 (which resulted in Edward IV's victory)#Henry Tudor was a figurehead for Edwardian Yorkists who specifically raised him as a claimant and were the ones who supported him#specifically as the husband of Elizabeth of York (swearing him as king only after he publicly swore to marry her)#Richard's defeat at Bosworth had *nothing* to do with 'York VS Lancaster' - it was the victory of one Yorkist faction against another#But yes the traditional line of succession was broken by Richard's betrayal and the male dynastic line was ultimately extinguished.
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A comic about Olive, and his meeting with the guy who could have ruined his life if it wasn't already so fucked up
#like. it's not a cute happy end#Ambrose is not a good person and is not doing any good in Olive's life#and Ambrose himself knows#but Olive happened to not care because in all cases he just wanted to end it all before meeting him#Ambrose would be like. the worst partner for everyone else but Olive..#and Olive wouldn't be a good one either#at the end they're happy together so whatever.. good for them i guess#Ambrose still feels guilty because Olive is not a lost case like him and could have healed#if he just had met a normal guy to love him#But things are just like that#anyway. the comic is also a bit personal lol Olive isn't the most self insert oc ever for nothing#for the first part at least#i will wait for my big tiddy fucked up man to show so i can start to think that surviving was worth it pff#suicide cw#cw suicide#dysphoria cw#cw dysphoria#my art#oc art#digital art#comic#comic art#trans artwork#mlm art#Olive#Ambrose
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... why he sit like this
#in this position his face is extremely 'cartoon cat' shaped.. like the perfectly round cheeks and little#rounded bump of a snout.. big round eyes. etc. stretched over the arm of a chair like a weirdo#cats#It's still Hot Evil Summer time and I have so much to do so am just aimlessly hopping between various projects but not actually#getting anything done. as usual. Also so so so so tired. I almost fell asleep in the middle of the floor like 3 times today lol#Trying to finish some costume photos and also another poll adventure thing. plus I do really want to do a sculpture sometime#I haven't finished one in a while. Hopefully my tiredness is nothing bad.#Maybe I'm anemic again so that's making me tired. Or maybe it's just a Listless phase. not that I'm ever really THAT productive considering#all of the health problems and etc. always holding me back. but still. I'm not usually 'sleep or just stare at a wall literally all day' ty#e unproductive.. at least not for multiple days in a row so. hmm... Sometimes especially in the summer though I will have periods of time#that are listless like that. I am under low level phyiscal stress for months at a time due to summer heat so I guess it makes sense#that would eventually take a toll. I just have SO MANY THINGS I WANT TO DO!!!!! AAUUGhhh#I also came up with a new idea for a game that is so so cool and I wish I could make it but I have to finish the other one first lol#which I will NEVER do. if I spend all day just sleepy unfocused barely able to do anything#I also really need to sell some clothes and sculptures because I'll probably have to buy a new computer soon so I need money. (plus still#recovering the costs of having to euthanize my other cat.. wehh) There's nothing clearly wrong with it right now but it's getting gradually#slower and there's more weird glitches happening randomly and idk.. just weird things that make me think 'hmm... bad.. possibly.'#ANYWAY... I just have so much to do that I both REALLY want or need to do - so it's perpetually frustrating that I just can't for whatever#reason like. Time is always mving forward. every day I waste is a wasted day. The year is already almost half over. I havent finished#any of the projects I wanted to .. and there's only more and more things to do each day. It's overwhelming and stinky#and thats not even considering having to do all of my tasks also with the background noise of economic inequality. everything increasingly#going into an even scarier political direction. active climate change crisis. pandemic that still exists and is insane to act otherwise. et#etc. HOW am I supposed to solo make two whole games . write 3 book series. finish sculptures. do costumes. make outfits. game videos. make#stable network of social connections. do my little side crafts. take care of myself and cats. pay rent. manage health issues. keep a routin#.try to make some sort of money. go to doctors appointments. handle regular maintenance like cleaning and cooking and self care#and buying new plates when old ones break or etc. make sure to do other things like backup my computer data regularly. do shopping lists.#take care of plants. pursue like 6 different academic interests. do the other side side projects I have for fun (like music or carving avoc#ado pits). eat in a healthy way thats okay for my Special Health Issue diet. exercise so i don't die early. etc. etc. etc. AND all while it#82F in my apartment all the time and I have tiny income and also need to move to another country/climate somehow??? lol......#ANYWAY.. ..very frustrated today over my chronic Tired Sleepy.. time for Cat Photos - which cure all of life's ailments lol
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you are complaining about complaining too much while complaining about the fact that maybe people dont like you because you complain too much while complaining about being alone. just stop complaining and do something about it. talk to people. reach out. dont just wait for someone to come to you first.
i have tried reaching out to different people in the past year or so but it never works. i understand its my own fault for letting relationships decay because of my own insecurities and issues but that doesn't mean i can just will myself to think or believe different things about myself. it's a self fulfilling prophecy ; i think people don't like me so i don't reach out so people don't like me etc .
i am sure you do not want to hear me list all the things i want to say in response so i will put them in the tags.
#every time i try to reach out or talk to someone it goes nowhere. i dont have any social skills anymore and have no clue how to keep a#conversation going. half the time even when i do people stop replying to me. which is fine theydont owe me a reply but still feels likeshit#when i tried to make one new irl friend it just didn't work because they have better options for friends. we spoke occasionally but never#messaged online like ever and would only talk when we happened to be in the same place. i tried multiple times to organize a time to hangou#none of which came to pass. i dont understand why this one didn't work because i thought this person was interested in being my friend but#i guess i was wrong or thought they were more interested than they really were.#i have a problem with reaching out anyway which has been a problem i have had since i was like 11. reaching out to people first doesnt come#easily to me - in the beginning when i was a lot younger i didn't want to bother people with my presence & thought if i were to come to#someone first they would feel pressured into talking to me when they didn't want to. this is stupid of course. but has still not left me as#something i feel is very core to the way i act today. waiting for someone to come to me first feels like my only option because i do not#know how to reach out effectively (my evidence being i have failed every time i have tried) & i am convinced people dont like me in the#first place and do not want me to approach them.#i dont really even know who to reach out to in the first place. my world is extremely narrow. the number of people i know has shrunk#significantly and my standing in their eyes collectively has also shrunk significantly in the past few years. i feel like every person i#was once friends with wants nothing to do with me. i feel as if i have burned every bridge possible.#when it comes to the fact i complain all the time . which i know of course is annoying. its because i cant find any kind of joy in anything#i do or see or whatever. nothing makes me happy - i only see things to complain about. all stimulus seems grating and the world seems#specifically catered to make me miserable. all i can really do is complain. i treat this blog like a stream of consciousness and when most#of that consciousness is occupied with how much i hate being alive the blog will mostly be complaining. its a vicious cycle lol .#anyway . i guess the key theme is low self esteem begets low self esteem in many ways. mental illness begets mental illness.#i am not really saying this to anyone least of all to you anon. i just felt compelled to recount i guess for myself the reasons that came#to mind for why i am like this. i am talking to myself here
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not angry or anything but for the record ocd is Not some silly quirky Organizing Things Disorder it is a living nightmare in which your brain will Plague You With Visions of stuff like your mom getting brutally run over by a car, so now youre terrified that this secretly means you want your mom to get run over by a car, so to remedy this you gently tap on her door every time you walk past it to prevent her from getting run over by a car and you can never stop doing this because its the only thing standing between your mom and her getting run over by a car (it makes sense! dont question it!) and once you finally stop and think Wait this is really stupid and manage to force yourself to stop tapping her door as youre walking away your brain goes "oh so this means you dont care if your mom gets run over by a car? you sicko" so you go back and tap the door again (just to be safe) (because of course you care about your mom and you do not want her to get run over by a car) (if you dont stop tapping the door she will randomly get run over by a car and it will secretly be entirely your fault)
#and you can never ever ever ever tell anyone the kinda stuff that goes on in your head because then theyll think youre some kind of#disgusting monster!#surprisingly this is example isnt based on any one specific experience#but i think i got the general idea#i guess a more personal example would be the time my mom was about to go run some errands and i convinced myself that if i didnt kick this#very specific leaf out of the driveway and she ran over it then she would later die in a car crash#so i spent like 5 minutes trying to kick it out of the way before i realized i was probably holding her up so i dragged myself away and#tried to tell myself “no! this is stupid! nothing bad will happen!”#but then as i was walking away i kept thinking “oh so it was that simple huh??? so you must not really care??? if your mom dies???”#i managed to win that battle luckily#anyways. dunno why i made this post lol#brambles
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so many people just hear "dick was a cop" and go "eww im gonna pretend i didnt see that" and like. if its just bc you cant handle the subject matter thats one thing, but often times its just. performative. especially because the actually storyline is so much about dick trying (and as far as ive gotten to reading so far, failing) to make a change in the system and be a "good cop". it's an extremely heavy but genuinely very interesting storyline. dick does find other "good cops", but they're very much the minority and usually keep their heads down, because cops are bastards and will ruin the lives of "fellow officers" who try and do things right. they try to frame dick for murder at one point and everything.
#its such a long and significant thing that happened and im like. youre explicitly mentioning it just to say you're ignoring it? alright.#sure. so proud of you. im sure that makes a huge difference in the world. very cool.#not trying to shade at any one person but ive just seen that attitude from people have definitely never read nw96 lol#at most they read 93 so they can bitch about how 'terrible' they think it is and use it as an excuse to wish terrible things#onto like. one of Very Few women who were in the comic book industry at the time#but im sure theres nothing internalized going on there. sure its just coincidence that they never bitch about male authors#using the excuse of social justice#love me some social justice but fuckin hate people who try to do it in fictional space instead of like. reality#literally helping no one by harassing Problematic Woman Author#dont even wanna name her bc her haters are some of the worst people ive ever seen on the internet lol#ANYWAYS. im done ranting#woke up at 03:30 and chose violence i guess
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I have Got to get more transgender
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#transmasc#trans ftm#transgender#i like 2 say i'm very trans already but unforch i am Not Really. mostly boring ftm Guy Ever#so tempted to cut my hair again but my sense of what i look like is already so fuzzy i dont think it'd help..#want to dye my hair anyways. at this point i'd take whatever color i can get if not purple LOL#it's almost everything i could want and yet ... still me. still the same life. stuck.#soooo high functioning like you wouldnt believe EXCEPT istg i need an emotional support human who will guide me through tasks#such as 'pay with your Moneys Card at the Store'#or... idk that's it really. maybe go grocery shopping without feeling like i'm not meant to be there also#or like. exist in general maybe#reasons why not emotional support Animal: creature cannot understand capitalism. and also is not as necessary as a service dog specifically#idk! every time i come on here i fall apart (in text) and then pull myself back together for another day of ... this i guess.#i'm not even having like crying breakdowns or anything to go along with it i'm just held inside this shell of a body. typing away again#i'm soso tempted to make things worse. progress wouldn't matter anymore... at least maybe it would feel real that i'm like this#i wish my face fit on my body right. and also that i did not look quite so much like a vaguely gnc lesbian#like at LEAST let me look butch as hell but no. curse of sad hair & uncertainty#miss my little mullety thing from that brief period in october... miss my short hair from back in 2017 ...#just dont feel satisfied with what i am now. in general.#top surgery is literally Within my reach but i'm not sure about cost and i need to wait because of doing guard now......#my list of do i want t i kept for the past month turned out to be a bunch of maybes#partially cause i got sick. partially cause it stopped being shark week and i forgot about it#as always happens...#still unsure in my new(er) name. only heard it once#didn't feel the same way as with my old one? but idk. just don't know.#missing guard also but feeling conflicted about not having time for other hobbies...#since winter season is over i've had so much time to play guitar! that's insane! mostly cause i stopped playing for unrelated reasons...#just tired again. wonder if i need more sleep than what i always get. kind of restless.#there's nothing else to say i guess. just wish i could be a person the way everyone else seems to be.
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dunno if it really fits them but the thought won't leave my brain so here's a doodle
#guess what I've been watching recently lol#the bentley!! theo's truck!! the fact both of them are living in their cars JDVNDSVSJN#this is the first time I have ever drawn theo and my second attempt at liam#absolutely no idea how I feel about these guys but it's alright enough that I'll post it I suppose#anyways I just think that if thiam is ineffable spouses then sciles is ineffable bureaucracy#like should sciles be the main pair? maybe. but scott is NOT azira and you fuckin know it.#he'd go along with demon!stiles so fast it's not even funny#he already does with normal stiles! can you IMAGINE the mischief demon!stiles would cause? how could scott resist??#scott “are we seriously doing this” mccall vs stiles “you're the one who's always bitching that nothing's ever happening” stilinski#at least liam TRIES to act like he doesn't wanna do whatever theo is planning#I can imagine the 6000 year long slow-burn with thiam. sciles would last approximately 1 hour (if even)#this is just clicking in my brain so nicely I am sure I am utterly and completely wrong but I do not care lalalala#thiam#theo raeken#liam dunbar#teen wolf#teen wolf fanart#good omens#my art: oil paint pawsteps 🐾
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i hate that this website has location based ads now like it's one thing to promote the local grocery store chain to me but i am seeing ads for my workplace now :/
#stop it......#i don't want to go back but this is the last sick day i can reasonably take#i probably should've gone back today but i told them when i was still feeling worse that i wasn't coming in.......#ohhhh i dread going in tomorrow so much. i don't even dislike this job i just hate being somewhere everyday#each day feeling its meaninglessness...... my meaninglessness in the space.......... the repetition and redundancy#selling people who don't need to be there things that they don't need#standing all day long just fucking bored#hoping that enough has happened since i've been gone that people can fill me in#ugggh because it's soooo boring but stressful to have to generate conversation with the same people every day#when nothing new ever happens#and i get sick of everybody even the people that i like and i don't really think anybody likes me that much either#i guess i felt this when i worked there part time but because i only had to be there part time it wasn't this constant gnawing feeling#and they didn't have me in the shop all the time....... this schedule is fucking killing me#i walk there i stand all day and i walk home#that's one of the reasons i haven't come back in yet - i was so dizzy and nauseous that the idea of standing all day was like.#i obviously can't fucking do that even if i would otherwise feel well enough to come in#if i had a sitting job then it wouldn't matter if i was a little dizzy#but getting back and forth to work and then standing for 8 hours. even when i'm feeling well it's kind of a lot#idk i guess i'm pretty unhappy with this job and where i am in life etc but i can't quit rn because what else would i do#there's literally job of this type that is going to pay as well and have good benefits#and i'm not qualified yet for the type of work i hope to do in the future#so i just gotta wait it out but it feels like. endless.#sigh anyway i'm just lazy lol#all this is to say. stop putting ads for my workplace on my dash lol i don't need to see all that
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i started having actual stress dreams about arguing with my dad about israel and then tonight he argued with me about israel ummmm i kinda wanna kill myself right neooowwwww
#not tryinf to be self centered i just feel really horribly sick right now. Lol#Hi guys have you heard about. the TUNNELS. and CCCHHHAMASSS#It’s so disturbing the way he talks and i feel so gaslit by the rest of my family about it#idk i just cant stop myself from responding and trying to counter him because i cant just let the things he says be unchallenged#because they are so heinous and evil and disgustinng!!!! but it clearly will never change his mind or point of view and nothing has ever#worked and i have an extended anxiety attack every time it happens so what even is my option here. Kms i guess
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...💇♀️
#so i went to the hairdresser's in september to get a trim after over a year of having NOTHING done to my hair#it was in suuuuuuuuch a poor condition but i loved how long it had gotten so i suffered through the summer#i just wasn't ready to say goodbye to my mermaid hair 🥺#(i should've got it done in the spring but didn't because. well. life i guess lol i wasn't feeling very well maybe)#and so when i finally went to get it done i asked the hairdresser to cut only what was necessary#fair enough i went home only to notice absolutely NOTHING had happened 🙃#i thought i could live with it until maybe later in the winter but i was getting so frustrated with how lifeless and tangled my hair was 😭#so i booked a new appointment at a different hairdresser (a new one has just opened near me)#and aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh my hair looks and feels SO much more healthier now!! 😭 nearly teared up at the hairdresser's feeling my new hair 😂#but at the same time i'm a bit 🥲 because it's quite a bit shorter now 🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲#it's not short per se but aaaahhhh I'm having a minor identity crisis lol (no i'm not i'm just being dramatic 💅)#but it's definitely better this way. i love my hair and i'm never ever letting it get in such a terrible condition ever again 🤧#also i'm not going back to that other place again because it wasn't the first time the same person had done barely anything to my hair 🤨#i mean. i guess they just did what i had asked but...#with all the other hairdressers there's never been any problem when i told them to ''only take what's needed''#i guess she was just too cautious to take TOO much of the length of my hair but gurl what's the point if you only take like 1 cm 😐#with ''what's needed'' i obviously mean ''enough so i won't have to come back here next month'' :\#anyway! i'm happy and keep sniffing my hair (and giving myself a headache in the process) because the products they used smell so nice 💖#pointless ramblings hi yess i'm bored by theflyingfeeling
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had a dream i died a horrible and mysterious death but was isekaid as a little bunny furry thing with a cape living in some peaceful hobbit-like fantasy hamlet where i had a goat and also my name was witherworth for some reason. it was awesome
#like. i was busy being this bunny thing until i through a series of supernatural phenomena learned i had actually died#then i was in some limbo-esque in between thing where i was given the choice to be reincarnated as some super successful person#and i was like. umm actually if its ok id rather just keep being a bunny over here it was cool#and the being who i guess was in charge? was like do you have any idea how stupid that is. whats wrong with you#you were nothing in your past life and died a horrible death and your family never found out what happened to you#and instead of being reincarnated and being able to live the opposite of that youd rather be a bunny over in hobbitville????#i was like. um yea lol?#thats when i got to learn how i died too. and that nobody ever found out how and i just disappeared#and i got to like... talk to my living relatives and say goodbye i guess. except they were like oh hi lol Um we kinda forgot about all that#and anyway. then i went back to being a rabbit thing with fire magic and 1 goat named burnt toast#i lived in one of them little hobbit holes....... gandalf was there also we were pals and that was cool#so anyway. good dream for the most part hehe ^__^#skenps dreamland
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I love my gx winx au and I love that it's just bits and pieces of me being like oh that's fun and not having any semblance of lore or plot. It's purely contained to the character designs I've drawn for the girls.
#it will stay contained to art too it's not something I'd ever write#like I know absolutely nothing about this au of mine but I'm obsessed with it all the same#like I learn something new about it every time I've drawn something#I don't draw a lot for it yall have seen everything I've done and it's usually just a drawing of alexis cuz I love her design lol#but like I'm doing panels for it rn right? and like it's just coming together like the story of what's happening atm#and that's like the only story there actually is rn but it's just falling into place#so I can actually make something of substamce out of this tiny concept I had for a drawing I wanted to try because I had an itch and it grew#that doesn't really happen to me anymore like I haven't felt a spark like that since I wrote OUAD#nothing I've written since has felt the same#and like I said this isn't something I would write into a fic or anything it would just be too much but it's really everything to me rn#something I can come back to and dip my toe in whenever I really feel like I need a spark again and it just makes me happy#I grew up with 4kids winx club so another reason I'd never write anything for real is because I refuse to watch any other version#like I've tried I just can't do it my mind rejects any other version so I only know the universe to a point anyway and but that was my thin#it made me so happy as a kid and it still does now like those are my girls and they mean the world to me and being able to play#within that space with other characters I'm obsessed with and combine into something that miraculously works is amazing#I need to draw more stuff for this au I guess is my whole point#I need to see what other things can..... bloom....... (heh) within that space and what will just manifest before me#I need that something to make me feel that spark again because I don't want to lose it forever and I think I'm starting to find it again#life has just been knocking down over and over lately and it's destroyed so much of my mental state and honestly randomly deciding to try#and actually draw actual stuff for this au has been so healing. I almost feel lighter#it feels stupid amd silly to say but it's true#abby's just rambling don't mind her
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ok. giving myself 4 minutes to make this post and then i finish my homework. i just am so deeply miserable. i really think i made a mistake. i should not be in grad school. i only took a year between this and undergrad and i am still so burned out and mentally ill. im working full time. im only taking one class and this program is supposed to be so good and aligned with what i want and all of that. but i just cant stand having homework. i just cant stand it. i think i am not cut out for academia even though i work in academia. i think i will never get better as long as im still living at home but i have to get better before i can no longer be living at home but i cant get better until im not living at home and every day i still live at home saps away at my will to live quite literally. i should not have started doing grad school without regaining my will to live. without restoring my love for reading and writing that i used to have voraciously when i was younger and less deeply miserable. without recovering from the burnout. i think i made a mistake. i need a masters degree so bad so that i can be safe but i need to not have fucking homework when i already struggle to get through my days without school. i feel so stuck in my life and hopeless and helpless. i dont know what to do
#purrs#i cant drop out or anything because. lol and this class isnt even that big of a deal like i TRULY am freaking out over nothing. but my life#situation is so bad rn bro like i cant get my parents to take me out to drive and i cant get myself to get my parents to take me out to#drive and every day i am guilt tripped berated etc etc and i feel like i am never ever ever going to be able to have my own life where i a#stable and safe and happy. it can happen for other people except for me and my siblings. i dont know. im not explaining anything well.#i just cant do this. i need to not have this one more thing on my plate but i have to because if i dont have a masters degree in my field i#am nothing even though everyone is telling me that isnt true and all of them are credible but im just so mentally ill i cant believe anyone#and icant accept any advice or hope or whatever good about me i just. am stuck. this is as good as it gets and its not even good.#delete later#that was 7 minutes not 4 and i didnt even write anything substantial. nutshell. i just have been so fucking depressed lately oh my goddddd#this is maybe too strong of a thing to say but like. i know it isnt technically neglect if i am an adult but... i think i may kind of be#neglected by my family in some ways a little bit and always have been but like. emotionally. like in the ways in which im never a priority#and the things i need are seen as burdens etc etc. and theres nothing anyone can do about it even myself because im an adult but like lol.#24 year old dependent moment <3#well there is one thing i can do about it as an adult actually. its called move out. but that requires strength i will#never possess unfortunately due to the inherent flaws in my character and constitution so. guess this is it lawl 🥰#side note (and i swear im done after this lol): i think i was doing a lot better mentally over the summer. funny how when the semester#starts i get depressed and the depression just gets worse and worse until the end of the semester 😻 funny how this is my seventh year like#this. willingly subjecting myself to this. that should be a clue no? but i love my job and if i could just have my job and be stable in it#would be happier but also im lying to mysaelf and i will always be unhappy but its because of my mental illness not my job being bad or#anything its like. i am just sick in the head with impostor syndrome and thats how i got myself into this whole mess. lol#well that and the not moving out thing which is partially my fault but also because i live in hell as described earlier! <3
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baizhu is like a healer and dendro support.. and i want him in my "main" team... but like... i do main kaeya and ningguan THIS SHIT NEVER MADE SENSE MY MAINS WERE ALWAYS A BROKEN DISASTER AND BAIZHU DOESN'T FIT INTO THAT EVEN HARDER HELP
#bestie said that means i need to make a team for him#to main him#but brooo i literally cant imagine living without k-aeya bc ?? he is everything i need in a dd#and nin-gguang basically just does the rest of the stuff lol#geo and cryo was kind of a wacky combo from the day 1 and guess what nothing has changed#now im just trying to put dendro in the mix#i know i dont actually need to do anything i can have all 3 of them in one team just fine#but i do love elemental reactions which just wont happen in geocryodendrop team#WHY DID I HAVE TO MAIN THESE 2 LIKE THAT LASDHJASLKDJL#anyways b-aizhu is so real im gonna throw up holy fuck#adry.txt#also im extra unwell my fav group didnt disband but also maybe 2 members left the group i cant be normal ever i dont think
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