#now im not sad enough to actually DO grad school lmao

[silverislander]

idk if it's genuine excitement or the energy drink i had earlier that's actually letting me focus and work but dude. i am CRUSHING this essay. this is Fun To Write. i think i'm actually doing a really good job here. wtf. i love my major man

[weird-dere-writes]

Alright you know why I'm here! Ichidere college au lore let's go!

Wooooooooo!!!! 💃🏾✨

More Ichidere lore in the College Byakujas universe >:))))))

I like to think that after that time he was kind enough to help me look for you when I was lost, I just couldn’t stop thinking about him. I could be doing just the most mundane thing and he will pop into my head. Even more so than before when I was simply crushing from afar.

I will be brushing my teeth and his voice will pop into my head and then I’ll accidentally make myself gag. I will be filling my car up with gas and start thinking about how he walked me off campus after I gave you your thing, and then I will have spent a little more money than intended when i come to and look at the little screen on the pump. Casually eating lunch and thinking about how stronk his arm looked when he raised it to scratch the back of his head and I bite my tongue about it and sob cus OW MY TONGUE.

Like I have only experienced the man for at most a couple hours that one day but I am an entire mess lmao.

Quite licherally spinning him around on a rotisserie in my brain and I cannot control it.

AUGH and when you let me know and you Byakuya have noticed my fondness for him I am lowkey bashful when I’m with you guys going around campus. Cus I feel like y’all are always looking and me and wondering if I am looking to see Ichigo (which I might be sometimes, but y’all don’t have to know!!).

Now I am just casually hanging around the school even though I haven’t started attending yet. But! With you and Byakkun’s help I have started the process of applying. Because it’s a little late, I’m unsure if I’ll make it in but my fingers are crossed! Would be cool to graduate the same year as (what is hopefully) my college sweetheart like the bestie and her Byakkun 🫶🏾.

Ichigo also thinks about our first time meeting from time to time, though nowhere near as much as me since he actually has stuff to focus on with his internship and prepping for his first grad year starting soon.

Specifically he thinks about how I was almost about to cry when he found me. Like you said, he’s polite! So he didn’t say anything then. He was glad he was able to get along well with me and help out to make those watery eyes go away. Sometimes tho he finds himself wondering if he’ll see me around on campus again by chance. He hopes if he does that I’m not so upset.

He doesn’t like to see anyone sad, but he felt something a little different when he thought about me specifically. He wasn’t sure why. Maybe it was because I was your friend? And you were sort of an extension of his mentor Byakuya to him?

One time he’s working with Byakuya on something. And it’s on something a little more to do with your expertise. As you’re drafting up a little paper to help Byakuya you realize because of my Psych degree I might be able to help with a part you’re a little unsure about. We were hanging out at your house at the time having a little sleepover, so I was also able to write some notes of my own on the sheet.

Byakuya brought it with for the project. Ichi knows Byakuya’s handwriting, so he figures he didn’t write this reference page they were both looking at from time to time. He asks who did, to be told that the purple ink is in your handwriting, and that the pink ink is mine.

Byakkun goes back to working but Ichigo is looking at the paper for a moment, blinking to himself. When Byakkun steps away, Ichi is lightly stroking places where my handwriting is. He thought my writing was pretty…

Lmao also thinking about if something goes wrong with Ichi’s car, so you end up volunteering me as his ride and i wanna KILL U CUS HOW COULD U DO THIS TO ME!! IM NOT MENTALLY PREPARED FOR THIS PLS 😭. At first it’s a lot of the three of us (me, you, n Ichi in the back). But then you start making moves. Insisting Ichi sits in the front with me (“Oh I just need to go through my bag and it might get messy!”). And then eventually you just yeet all together and start getting rides with Byakuya, leaving me ALONE. And you’re smirking about it but I am a WRECK cus I’m so silly about him HELP. This point is when he and I exchange numbers since we no longer have you as a middle person.

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH

Your matchmaking is VICIOUS but i know it’s out of love lmao <333333.

[maternalcube]

i did an art summary so now im doing a fic summary. i was tagged by @jamthedingus also!! ive never done one of these before!! lets go!!!

Rest (13106)

Keith & Lance's Island Adventure (20631)

Atlantis (10014 words)

The Way to a Man’s Heart (6858 words)

nobody's business (2096 words)

leave, and take (557 words)

dead girl walking (1661 words)

the course of fate (1039 words)

who ya gonna call (465 words)

come here often? (806 words)

til kingdom come (1950 words)

stars in the sky (pt 2) (5404 words)

a song of falling (630 words)

Eyes to the Sky (3683 words)

Feet on the Ground (4050 words)

Divergence (6669 words)

homecoming (1426 words)

Window of Opportunity (11144 words)

along that wilderness of glass (3801 words)

string theory (2327 words)

Katt Week (1062 words)

The Pining-Plant (3860 words)

at the end of many worlds (21684 words)

you're my home (19646 words)

Believe Me (3177 words)

Starchild (3568 words)

Summer Heat (2285 words)

third time's the charm (5349 words)

Blackbird (59546 words)

The Sixth Planet (9444 words)

all the infinite realities (1197 words)

Total Fics: 31! (plus one i posted anonymously lmao) Total Words: 229999! (except parts of string theory and the sixth planet were actually posted last year... but still, what a number)

more under the cut!

Ship/character breakdown: i didnt filter out my prompt collection or abandoned wips here so /shrug Ship breakdown:

klance - 6 sheith - 5 shance - 5 katt - 4 heith - 3 pallura - 2 and one each of plance, kallura, allurance, shatt, shkatt, kidge, kidgance, and shunk. and keiths parents lol. let it never be said i am not a multishipper.

and i know gen isnt a ship but it tied with klance at 6 (plus whatevers in the prompt collection) which was a surprise

Character breakdown: man if theres a way to get ao3 to show me ALL the stats, i dont know it. but.

keith - 25 (shocker) shiro - 23 lance - 21 pidge - 17 hunk - 16 allura - 12 matt - 12 and then coran and sam are at 4, and zarkon ats 3 and presumably many others are at 3 or less

Characters that had the main focus: well ~9 were from keiths pov, and ~5 each from shiro and lances povs. i think i also had ~5 from multiple points of view. its safe to say that keith has my heart tho lol

Specifics:

Best/worst title? Best title: i still like “at the end of many worlds.” i weirdly still like “Blackbird” too even if it has nothing to do with anything... Worst title: “Rest.” :/ also like all of the abandoned wips bc i didnt care. and “Keith & Lance's Island Adventure.″ some of my zine fic titles were also... bad. im bad at titles.

Best/worst first line?

Best: Keith & Lance's Island Adventure. ok the title is bad but this line? this really sets the tone for whole fic. you know what youre getting yourself into here.

When Pidge invited Keith to a fully-funded graduation party aboard the Holt family boat (“the smaller one, anyway,” she’d said), this is not exactly what he'd pictured: three of them standing on a wobbly dock, packed bags at their feet, sky cloudy and gray, while the Holt siblings stand on a little ledge off the back of the boat and deny entry.

Worst: ive got two for this lol

at the end of many worlds: even i have to read this a couple times to figure out what i was trying to say. at least you know youre in for pain...

Keith’s mother shows up to interrupt movie night often enough that, this time, Keith almost doesn’t realize anything’s wrong. Almost, because she’s silhouetted by the movie, but she’s clutching her arm and panting for breath, and in the thin edge of light around her he sees a wet and vibrant red.

Divergence: because all your friends being dead is EXACTLY like losing at dodgeball. yeah, theres a reason i abandoned this one.

Hunk always hated playing dodgeball. Not because he was bad at it--though he was--but because he always ended up the last one standing, and therefore the only target for the entire other team. It was due to a tendency to hang unnoticed in the back, he knew, but that didn't change the sickening, empty feeling of looking around and realizing there's no one left but him, and there's no way he can win. Only wait for the inevitable.

This, Hunk decides, is a lot like that, only, like, a billion times worse.

Best/worst last line?

Best: The Pining-Plant. there are a few others that were cute too but this one is also good out of context so

And then the pod swishes open and he's scrambling to catch Pidge as she stumbles out. She clings to his arms to steady herself and his heart swells.

"Falling for me again, huh?" he asks, and she groans loudly.

"Let me go, I'm getting back in the pod," she says, and he laughs. He doesn't let go, and neither does she.

Worst: if im bad at titles, im worse at endings. most are bad. i suspect the ending to “Rest” is terrible but i cant bring myself to even open that shit again so: Believe Me. if weather were a recurring theme in this fic, itd be fine, but as is its just... a weird note to end the fic on lmao

Hunk rocks back on his heels. "We aren't counting this as our official first date, right?"

"I dunno," Keith says, and now he smiles at the rain instead of frowning. It shows no sign of easing up, but whatever—they're soaked anyway. "This seems pretty good to me."

“...All right.” If nothing else, it’ll make a good story. And, Hunk had to admit—he’s pretty happy with how it’s turned out, rain and all.

But next time, he's double-checking the forecast, just in case.

General questions:

Looking back, did you write more fics than you thought you would this year, less than you thought, or about what you predicted?

more than i expected! considering ive been in grad school all year!! i wrote about the same amount wordcount-wise in 2017 which i spent only half in school so. idk how i managed it.

What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted last year?

the anonymous fic was a surprise but im not gonna talk about that lol. otherwise... nah, its all been my usual stuff.

What’s your favorite story this year? Not the most popular, but the one that makes you the happiest.

blackbird, probably. i like working on that one. summer heat was also fun, id sort of forgotten about it bc it was a zine fic but coming back to it, i really liked it. likewise with third time’s the charm. and i like t6p a lot even if i kinda hate drawing for it :’)

Okay, NOW your most popular story.

depends on your metric. window of opportunity has the most kudos, keith and lance’s island adventure has the most hits, and t6p has the most comments and subscriptions. 

Story most underappreciated by the universe?

AT THE END OF MANY WORLDS. oh man i killed myself over that fic. it was important to me. but i think the mcd scared everyone off :’)

Story that could have been better?

i realize “all of them” is kind of a cop out answer but like

Sexiest story?

i have written nothing sexy, ever, in my whole life

Saddest story?

i mean, ateomw. considering all the death. blackbird def has its moments too.

Most fun?

i feel like i answered this in the favorite story q lmao. you’re my home also gets a shoutout, that thing was,, super self-indulgent lmao. and id be lying if i said i didnt have fun with parts of ateomw, even if its mostly sad.

Story with single sweetest moment?

man i write a lot of fluff but so much of you’re my home is just tooth-rotting. heres part of the proposal scene lmao

"Lance!" Keith yelps, barely rescuing the ring from falling into the sand with them. Lance pushes himself up on his arms, silhouetted by the sun and glowing with it.

"Really?" he asks breathlessly.

"Yeah," Keith says, and maybe he should've prepared something to say, that's a thing people do, right? Hell, he's winging it. "I know we can't stay here on Earth forever, 'cause we're paladins, and there's still stuff out there we gotta do. And I know you probably want to stay because this is your home—but you're my home, and if we gotta go, at least you'll have me, good or bad." He grins crookedly. "Or rocket science. Whatever happens, I'll be there."

Hardest story to write?

well t6p gets a shoutout, but its not the writing thats the hard part for that. uhhh ive struggled with parts of blackbird. i remember k&l’s island adventure giving me a LOT of trouble, i think i posted late lol

Easiest/most fun story to write?

anything short uhhh for all the infinite realities, i kind of just sat down the other day (actually i was in bed but) and was like “im gonna write this” and then in the morning i just sat down and wrote it in one go. i dunno if id call it fun, but it was easy. t6p is super fun to write but, as mentioned, drawing it sucks.

Did any stories shift your perceptions of the characters?

no... my perceptions probably have shifted but not due to anything i wrote in particular. i did talk myself into liking allurance with a prompt fill, though, but im not sure that was 2018...

Most overdue story?

all the infinite realities lmao. at the end of many worlds needed that happy ending. and another shoutout to t6p, because thats been going on over a year and im still nowhere.

Did you take any writing risks this year? What did you learn from them?

does posting my abandoned wips count? ive still got some of those hanging around... blackbird was a bit of a risk bc my last longfic was written while i was unemployed and out of school, so like i had the time for it, and now i kinda dont. still chugging tho. ateomw b/c of all the death but it turns out i really like writing whump woops. and writing any sort of kissing always feels like a risk bc i suck at it but im getting better lol... i hope...

What are your fic writing goals for next year?

write more! finish things! do more sheith! i really want to work on this sheith longfic i came up with the other day... but i want to get blackbird over with first.

Tagging: eh! do it if you want to!

[tendercoretroglodyke]

I genuinely don't know if "read more" cuts actually work on mobile these days, but if not im so sorry mobile users--skip this or filter out #personal or #long post

I just went and read through some of my personal posts from the past like 8 years on this blog and I have some thoughts:

I really used to use this site wayyyy more for venting my anxieties and talking about my depression to keep myself from hurting myself, and to just organize my thoughts when I was overwhelmed and rationalize when my RSD was getting the better of me and looking back, I think it helped a lot (hence why I felt like doing this little reflection)

obviously it's not as helpful as therapy wouldve been, but it's like venting in a journal. except a journal where you could open it up to write a new entry without having to see your cringy last entry right next to it, which is nice

mostly I never expected ppl to read them (and if I thought about how many strangers potentially did read them I'd probably be pretty embarrassed) but it was always nice to get a note or two in comfort, even if I never replied to them

other thoughts:

I.... Kinda miss school?? Which is wild to say after reading all these posts about how anxious school made me, but I remember the glorious feeling of thinking I did horribly on something and getting like an A- in the end. I keep telling myself I'll get that old feeling and the support of structure and daily friends when I start grad school but honestly I think grad school is gonna be pretty different...

I def dont miss how depressed and awkward I was in high school but I miss having a solid group of friends at school I could joke around with AND a group of friends online I could talk to about personal stuff, fandom stuff, and gay stuff. genuinely they got me through high school... im sad we all drifted apart

that said, most of my high school friends still live in the area (one even sold me my spiderman ticket this morning!) so I could totally make plans w them...but then theyd remind me of my ex/exbff and that wound isnt quite healed enough for that yet (god forbid they actually try inviting her to the meetup)

reading these old sad, anxious posts about how stressed I am in the moment or how worried I am about the future (esp right before I graduated college and was worried about this exact point in my life, out of school, between jobs, future uncertain) I wanna go back and hug myself?? tell myself its gonna be ok??

like yeah rn I'm experiencing that limbo feeling of living at home w an unstructured life and no solid plans for the future that I knew was gonna happen after I graduated, but now I feel sturdier, like I know I can take it and come back on top. cos I've been thru shit like this before, yknow??

I've felt lonely and directionless so many times before!! and looking back on it, some of the best periods of my life came right after those times, when I decided I needed to get my shit together

Sure, I'm not graduating top of my class with a Master's and a career as a prestigious zoologist firmly ahead of me, but I'll get there. No rush. It's enough to just have a good friend and know I have plenty of opportunities ahead of me, even if my path to success isnt very obvious or direct or easy

Kudos to you if anyone's actually read this far. I definitely don't expect anyone to. Sorry if you got sucked into this shit lol but if you have that makes you an honorary best friend, bc only my best friends know this much about me

Congrats, new bestie!

This got away from me as usual, but believe it or not I DID edit this down lmao

[alien-bodies]

Oversharing Time!!!

(i just made that title up that’s not the official title I’m just Like That)

Ok so @frogyell​ tagged my main account (I am BLEST) but that’s for Refined Star Trek Content and this one’s for excellent moodboard content and garbage so here’s the garbage!!! I’m putting it under a cut bc it manipulates your brain to want to read through 85 fuckin facts about me more wow I love science

rules: answer these 85 statements about yourself, then tag 20 people.

1. last drink: Water! off to a great start

2. last phone call: my local Hot Topic. I feel like I should also mention I work there. But if you don’t know that and steal my phone you’ll see I have a contact named Hot Topic

3. last text message: Google sent me a verification code, but the last one I sent was to my brother it says “k”

4. last song you listened to: It’s called The Horror Of Your Love by Ludo, if I had to delete all but one song on my 121-song Best Enemies playlist I’d keep this one it’s Peak and kinda has vore but it’s metaphorical. metavoreical, if you will

5. time you cried: during my latest EMDR sesh! I was in Wales and everything it was a Lot I got ice cream after

6. dated someone twice? Big No

7. kissed someone and regretted it? Not really?

8. been cheated on? my ex had 16 anime dating sims downloaded at one point while we were dating does that count

9. lost someone special? yea

10. been depressed? hella

11. gotten drunk and thrown up? I’ve been drunk 1 time and it was when I was playing English handbells at my dad’s church’s wassail night but I did not throw up no

fave colors

12. Black

13. Lavendar

14. Light blue

in the last year have you…

15. made new friends? Hell Yell!!

16. fallen out of love? k i n d a ? ?

17. laughed until you cried? oh absolutely

18. found out someone was talking about you? OH BOY YUP YUP

19. met someone who changed you? yes! she managed to physically alter my hippocampus without touching it how fuckign whack is that

20. found out who your friends are? It’s always the same miraculous group chat

21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list? sure have

general

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl? I keep it nice and refined so all of them. My old account is another story

23. do you have any pets? one beautiful and talented cat named Moriarty. A good description is she’s got puppy software on cat hardware.

24. do you want to change your name? listen I’ve been through 4.5 of these fuckers, I like Nate, I’m Quite Finished

25. what did you do for your last birthday? invited 2 pals over, I remember one of them suddenly whipped out I Am The Doctor and the Dr Who theme on the piano out of fuckin nowhere and I was like “Daniel what the hell you’re so talented” and then I hardcore dissociated the rest of the day

26. what time did you wake up today? 10:00

27. what were you doing at midnight last night? chatting w @houseofoakdown​ and also editing my monstrosity of a fanfiction

28. what is something you cant wait for? Going back to school! then I can graduate in my pajamas and eat creamed corn in celebration

30. what are you listening to right now? the same goddamn playlist, this one’s called Battle Cry by The Family Crest, i cri erytiem

31. have you ever talked to a person named tom? probably???

32. something thats getting on your nerves? my brother vaping in the bathroom with the fan on at 12:30am

33. most visited website: tungle dot hell

34. hair color: I started out blonde af now I’m less blonde but still blonde.

35. long or short hair: short

36. do you have a crush on someone: :[] yes

37. what do you like about yourself: i’m hella smart, my moodboards are bangin, my writing is cool af, I’m well-hydrated at all times

38. want any piercings? Big No

39. blood type: A+!!!!! thats me!!!!!

40. nicknames: my brother calls me a goon sometimes

41. relationship status: im married to my laptop

42. zodiac: I was born on the last day of Taurus so I’m a definite Taurus/Gemini power combo

43. pronouns: they/them, tho in some places I use he/him bc The Dysphoria got hog wild enough I decided to pretend to be a trans guy so ppl would take me seriously, but I’m moving more towards they/them everywhere now. 

44. fave tv shows: Dr Fuck, Sherlock (I’m armed with a pitchfork and an arsenal of beefed up tv & film knowledge come on fight me), DOWNTON ABBEY

45. tattoos: in August I will get a bee on my right arm and probably a Secret Word in Gallifreyan on my left it’ll say fuck

46. right or left handed: one time I was bored in grade 10 and tried to make myself ambidextrous but that was a hassle so I’m firmly right handed. Except in archery.

47. ever had surgery: got all 4 wisom teeth out not long ago! I still need to squirt water in my gum holes so I get all the mushy food out :{

48. piercings: I used to have my ears pierced but they’re grown tf over now!

49. sport: first of all what the hell is this question looking for second of all I have a red belt (which is 2 below black belt) in Taekwondo. I really need to do that again hhhhhh

50. vacation: i went to England and France in the summer with my family as a “””grad trip”””, it was lots of fun but my collection of sensory issues extended to chomping and I dissociated so intensely in The Louvre my mom told me to go back outside so I wrote fanfiction while listening to 21 Pilots and chatting w my imaginary friends and it took me like 18 hours to process I’d seen The Mona Lisa with mine own 2 eyes. Also the plane was delayed twice bc we used Air Canada for some godforsaken reason and I had 0 hours of sleep when I went to the Sherlock Holmes museum and I started talkin to this bust of Sherlock Holmes and then I hadn’t eaten enough and we were walking to this bookstore and I said “I need food!” and my dad said “We’ll get it AFTER” then I shouted “I’M GONNA DIE” so I got a BLT from Tesco. 

51. trainers: h

more general

52. eating: the last thing I ate was chocolate chips straight out of the bag

53. drinking: I got another cup of water

54. im about to watch: my entire fanfiction to take 3000 notes on consistency. and by watch I mean read

55. waiting for: my brother (not vaping) to get out of the bathroom so I can PEE

56. want: Orphan Black to be on Netflix so I can actually binge watch it then call my grandma about it

57. get married: idk I didn’t think I was a get married person but since realizing I’m a lesbian it seems like a good idea!

58. career: nurse and a writer. I might just move to London and work double time to write enough scripts I have some street cred then pitch a TV adaptation of Faction Paradox to the BBC and win

which is better

59. hugs or kisses: hugs bc it means my friends are in my vicinity not Toronto

60. lips or eyes: uh. eyes???????????

61. shorter or taller: i’m 5′3″ and I would love a tol partner

62. older or younger: i don’t think I care

63. nice arms or stomach: what fresh hell does this mean. I’d like a nice stomach free of gastrointestinal issues and acid reflux. not that I have either of those but just in case

64. hookup or relationship: I have 300 many self-esteem issues so imma say relationship

65. troublemaker or hesitant: AU where I don’t have anxiety and I’m a trouble maker

have you ever

66. kissed a stranger: noop

67. drank hard liquor: I PUT RUM IN THE WASSAIL HELL YEAH also once someone bought me a shot at a queer dance thing bc it was payday and my friend told me to gulp the WHOLE SHOT and then the lemonade so I don’t barf and I was like “brah this is too high-stakes” so I poured the vodka in the lemonade and took sips and everyone stared at me

68. lost glasses: in grade 6 and then my mom threatened to make me wear one of those granny glasses chains so I never lost them again

69. turned someone down: ya this kid Cyrus used to chase me around in grade 5 and I’d run away always he was weird af one time he made out with a folder right in front of me in the middle of class

70. sex on first date: probs not at this point but I’m not opposed to the general idea when I’m less w h a c k e d  u p

71. broken someones heart: Not that I know of?

72. had your heart broken: c o n s i s t e n t l y in the most fricked up ways god

73. been arrested: no but once I booed at the police bc the local nazis (yeah) were gonna have a rally so we had a counter-rally and I dropped in but there were no nazis except one old dude in a MAGA hat showed up 2 hours late lmao

74. cried when someone died: oui

75. fallen for a friend: Big Lesbian Mood

do you believe in

76. yourself: YA BB

77. miracles: not as such

78. love at first sight: nah

79. santa claus: I wasn’t allowed to believe in Santa as a child bc he was “too much like God” sad

80. kiss on a first date: ye!

81. angels: big no

other

82. best friend’s name: I don’t exactly have a proper best friend but I’m goin with Liam

83. eye colour: blue/grey

84. fave movie: either The Force Awakens (bc I love bb8 and I’m gay 4 Rey) or Interstellar shut up

85. fave actor: uh idk let’s go with my brother

WOW THAT WAS LONG JEE🅱️US. I’m tagging @houseofoakdown @spoonietimelordy @gemvictorfromtheponyverse @spockswhales @raesand and that exhausts the ppl I know but you’re all worth quadruple in my heart 💖

[silencedbeing]

fuck, sometimes the feeling of wanting to talk to someone so badly just to tell them im feeling down is so shitty and full of myself. but fuck it really kills because i cant get it out os i guess heres my rant

I’vebeen feeling so happy lately and it was the best period of my life. I was back to learning and I actually enjoyed all the calculations and science bullshit. Now its my finals and somehow everything is just near the end point and I can’t seem to fucking be myself or even get the happiness. How does that happen? One moment you’re on fucking cloud and next you’re so below oyu feel like i=you’re in hell. 

Whats worse is twhen you dont have to someone to share this with. DOnt get me wrong, ive tried countless times sharing what I feel and whenever I have a shitty to my friends but trust me they dont like it. I think ive bombarded their life so much so its better I just leave them alone now. ahahhaha my fucking souless puny human mind cant take emotions well. fuck that. I always used to think people thats depressed or sad was shitty and just wasnt strong enough to face reality. Yeah thats me right now. What happened exactly ?

firstly, this is the one ive been trying to let go mostly for this year. I have friends, of course we laugh we talk we dont fucking share tho. In my understanding, friends are those who have your backs, willing to listen to you talk about that bitch or this bitch or that dude this dude. Theyre even the ones you go to the malls with, eat with but not my friends. So , ive known them for almost 8 years now and we hang out, we have a groupchat with only the 4 of us. After graduating it was all different. Actually, before graduation it was already shitty because that wasnt a fucking friendship. im sure they thought so too. its all bull shit. so after grad, 1 left us so it was only me and these other 2. by leaving, i mean that person already left to continue studying. so me and these 2 other people, had a whole 5 moths or so we couldve done anything. yeah i went on a trip with one of them. lmao that was a shitty trip. that person wasnt exactly into the backpackers lifestyle. ok just talking about the person like this makes me feel so bad. but its oaky, noone will read. let this be my own diary.

me and the other 2 was never fully ‘attached’ im not sure how we were even friends. to be honest i dont think any of my friends are real, i make them laugh because of my stupidity. thats pretty much it. im the kid in class who would alwasy annoy and disrupt the class sessions making half the class giggle and the other half hate my guts. i went to a pretty small school so most of the ones in class i was ‘friends’ with. serious, what the hell does the word friend truly mean !??!. anyways me and these 2 girls. i already knew i was being left behind somehow because they were actually related so fuck that bus. i should just not get too near with them so when they dump my sorry ass behind 3 km ahead i would feel it as much. wow the fuck was i thinking, actually letting one of them in my life. Do my problems not matter ? ive tried going on blahtherapy but honestly that website rarely gives me a good lsitener. i mean like, i keep getting people judging my problems saying its not serious. WELL IT IS FOR ME. HOW COME SOMETIMES I CANT FUKING SLEEP BECAUSE IM SO FUCKING AFRAID THE PERSON I ACCIDENTALLY CURSED AT HATES MY FUCKING GUTS. WHY AM I SO AFRAID OF MAKING NEW FRIENDS ANYMORE BECAUSE IM SCARED THEYLL JUST LEAVE ME TO ROT IN A LONELINESS PIT OF DOOM

OK back to the 2 people story. so one of them was kind of and kind of not. im scared to say the person isnt my friend. but in all fucking honestly the person has never done anything for me. idk maybe. this is why i need another opinion. this whole matter could just easily be resolved if someone said im way overthinking and the friends would have actually been bothered to call me if i was nowhere to be seen or late to an event. but now. only when i have arrived would they remembered about my existance. i recently deactivated my twitter account fot this shit. i cant stop typing i want to type everyhthing. its flowing inside of me but frankly right now i hvae no idea what to be mad at.who to be mad at and even how to be ,ad at. 

the earliest iw as ever like this, the socially deprived potato i am right now, was when i was in primary 3 and  my violent way of playing got me in trouble because i accidentally hit my best friends ear with my jacket sleeves which had metal buttons at the end. i immediately regretted it and felt fucking guilty because my best friends ear got red and best friend started to cry. i have freidns here and there but i dont have that 1 special person you know ? the one you trust with all your secrets and problems. i have this one person but this persons life is so fantastic, i cant manage to keep up. so our conversations are usually plain. this person was the only one that asks if im okay. you know those little status hitns when youre upset. i hate those, when theyre too obvious or when theyre clearly made just for attention. ok now i fell bad because i feel like that was me. well i posted one up not long ago. I POSTED A FREAKING MEME. it was funny but this one person actually asked if i was okay. sucking psot on. i cried telling her what happened to me. sometimes each week is a punch to my head. i ahte this feeling of envy. hatred. i need advice on how to let it blow past me. the whole friend thing. do i need to really find someone ? or am i fine just by myself ? if its like that then who do i share my secrets with ? let me be compeletely real, im religious but when i pray i feel nothing which is shity. i try to really feel it. but to no avail i feel so sinful its terrible but i cant help it. i dont know how im every going to end this if i just keep going. so this is where it finishes. this was jsut to rant about my ‘friends’ problem. its bad for me. iget that this seems like a minor problem or not even a prboelm at all. but i feel it. it hurts. and fuck i want more than anything to make it go away so i can be happy again

[butch-lesbian-marshadow]

Answer all of those questions u hottie

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?-Nobody cuz im lonely2. Are you outgoing or shy?-uhhhhhh probably the first one usually3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? Literally anyone my age and gay4. Are you easy to get along with? I honestly have no idea, don’t really get feedback on that dept.5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? Probably, Id trust them, but I don’t really need to be taken care of that much when Im drunk6. What kind of people are you attracted to? I dunno, I guess anyone who shows interest I suppose, although it tends to be expressed in weird ways,7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? No clue, I’d guess no if only because not really the best with those  things.8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? An ex of mine,9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? Nope10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? She’s the bitch that made me do all of these11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? ok12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? that changes so rapidly, question meme, im not even sure13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? If I know them and want them to, yes, but 90% of the time, Fuck off my hair14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? Yes15. What good thing happened this summer? I got tiddies16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? never have ):17. Do you think there is life on other planets? Probably, yes.18. Do you still talk to your first crush? I literally have not seen my first crush in like, 17 years.19. Do you like bubble baths?  No idea, ever had one20. Do you like your neighbors? haven’t met officially, but they seem nice21. What are you bad habits? Forgetting, procrastination,  dismissal, hesitation, isolation, and a few other bad ones22. Where would you like to travel? uhhhhh somewhere hot, ideally.23. Do you have trust issues? nopes24. Favorite part of your daily routine? daily what? if I had one, it would be enjoying hot summer days, maybe writing something25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? irritated skin26. What do you do when you wake up? figure out what day it is/debate on what i wanna do27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? nope!28. Who are you most comfortable around?  mom i guess? a few other peeps.29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? one or two, maybe,30. Do you ever want to get married? That might be a nice thing someday,31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail? Gettin there!32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? uhhhh a lot, my dear question meme.33. Spell your name with your chin.  zxshgkl;’34. Do you play sports? What sports? No35. Would you rather live without TV or music? I’m dead either way, the answer doesn’t really matter, does it?36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?  as in never told them ever, or  never told them until it was too late, because I've done both.37. What do you say during awkward silences? Nothing, although i don’t really find it awkward unless the other person is like, visibly disturbed.38. Describe your dream girl/guy? Nice personality, nicer ass.39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? Good ones40. What do you want to do after high school? i am after high school41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? Mhm.42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? I forgot what i was doing, im angry, im happy, im sad, im bored, im interested, im sleepy, im awake, im hungry, im thirsty,  im focused, im distracted, literally anything.43. Do you smile at strangers? sometimes44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? space45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? Waking up46. What are you paranoid about? being incapable of love, 47. Have you ever been high? nope!48. Have you ever been drunk? hell yeah49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? not that i can recall, no50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? i have no fucking idea i can’t remember colors for shit, my dear question meme.

51. Ever wished you were someone else? Not really, no.52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? the amount of money in my bank account53. Favourite makeup brand? i dont know enough to know54. Favourite store? one that sells store55. Favourite blog? Mine,  im amazing.56. Favourite colour? look im colorblind stop asking these57. Favourite food?  uhhhhhhhhhh fuck i dont know shit.58. Last thing you ate? Pizza.59. First thing you ate this morning? Pizza60. Ever won a competition? For what? uhhh  a science one in 5th grade, and a concerto competition in like, senior year of HS61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? nope!62. Been arrested? For what? Nope!63. Ever been in love?  I used to answer yes but now I have no idea if i can love64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? im lonely u buttmunch65. Are you hungry right now? uhhhh now that you mention it66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? half these freaks are my real friends67. Facebook or Twitter? I hate both of them,68. Twitter or Tumblr? I hate both of them69. Are you watching tv right now? nope!70. Names of your bestfriends?  im not actually 100% sure? like  its kinda nebulous weirdish, since I have a weird concept of “friend”71. Craving something? What? i dunno, burritos probably.72. What colour are your towels? Rot in hell you slime cuck72. How many pillows do you sleep with? 0 to 473. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? not at the moment, no74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? do pokemon plush count?75. Favourite animal? Gecko76. What colour is your underwear? I will murder your ancestors and eat your descendants.77. Chocolate or Vanilla? Chocolate78. Favourite ice cream flavour? chocolate79. What colour shirt are you wearing? I will flay the skin from your face and peel your eyes. Also shirtless atm.80. What colour pants? I will plunge britain back into the boiling seas and  devour any mortal with color vision. 81. Favourite tv show? uhhhhh fuck i don’t know82. Favourite movie? i like movies, yes.83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? THERES A MEAN GIRLS 2??!?!?!??!?!?!?84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? MEAN GIRLS85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? Regina is such a wonderful person, really.86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? Dory87. First person you talked to today? the bich that made me write this88. Last person you talked to today? @mayxwolf​89. Name a person you hate? The bich that made me write this90. Name a person you love? The bich that made me write this91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? The bich that made me write this92. In a fight with someone?nopes93. How many sweatpants do you have? are you trying to ask how much of a slob i am? because i am absolutely a huge slob94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? See above.95. Last movie you watched? MOANA96. Favourite actress? no idea97. Favourite actor? Chris Evans.98. Do you tan a lot? Lmao99. Have any pets? I want a pet ):100. How are you feeling? Kinda hungry? a tad bit chilly, and uhhhhhhhh  i dunno101. Do you type fast? I either forget to type, or its uncontrollably fast,102. Do you regret anything from your past? until like,  the past  month or two ago, no, not really, but then shit hits the fan and you forget to duck. 103. Can you spell well? Yse and no. its a tos up really.104. Do you miss anyone from your past? two people  recently, and occasionally an old thought to  old friends and people i knew, that i dont really see or talk to anymore, 105. Ever been to a bonfire party? mhm106. Ever broken someone’s heart? I think, I have, probably, and im not sure what to make of it,107. Have you ever been on a horse? Fuck those big shit factories.108. What should you be doing?probably in grad school,109. Is something irritating you right now? not right now no110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? Why yes, question meme, my first ex actually, and second, somewhat to an extent, actually that’s a somewhat recurring theme?111. Do you have trust issues? Didn’t you already ask this..... (yes you did it’s question 23)112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?  Never have, not that i could remember, except maybe as a child???113. What was your childhood nickname? Pooh bear114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? Yes115. Do you play the Wii? Yes116. Are you listening to music right now? Yes117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?Yes118. Do you like Chinese food?Yes119. Favourite book?Yes120. Are you afraid of the dark? No121. Are you mean? Yes122. Is cheating ever okay? Never but i seem to be chill with it if it happens to me123. Can you keep white shoes clean? yes and no124. Do you believe in love at first sight? Yes because the very first time I saw Fareeha Amari I immediately realized what a humongous gay I was.125. Do you believe in true love? Yes.126. Are you currently bored? Always and forever127. What makes you happy? Things I’d rather not talk about128. Would you change your name? Already have,129. What your zodiac sign? Aries, Dog, 130. Do you like subway? Yes131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?  If you’re asking if I’d fuck him, probably.132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? you asked this one already, too, you uncreative piece of shit.133. Favourite lyrics right now? lyrics are boring and overrated, and meaningless. Also the ones from Reflections. Mulan is my shit.134. Can you count to one million? I don’t think i have the patience or  physical ability to do so without collapsing.135. Dumbest lie you ever told? None of my lies are dumb unless i make them intentionally dumb.136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? closed137. How tall are you? floating around 6′2″138. Curly or Straight hair? both, surprisingly, 139. Brunette or Blonde? neither140. Summer or Winter? Winter is the season of death, despair and bullshit, old man winter can suck it141. Night or Day? Day,142. Favourite month? any month thats hot as fuck, also My birthday month is good too, 143. Are you a vegetarian? nope144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? Milk145. Tea or Coffee? both make me sleepy, both are pretty good though.146. Was today a good day? havent been awae long enough to know147. Mars or Snickers? Venus, and both.148. What’s your favourite quote? “and in all my great vast knowledge and wisdom, of all the Grand stars, of all the galaxies and nebulae and  cosmos, Of all the heavenly bodies,  to say that hers was the most heavenly would be blasphemous, for her body was beyond compare with divinity.”149. Do you believe in ghosts? Yes and No150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? “Splendid, Young man!”@bvcharest u bich