#after years of learning how to adapt and work with my brain this is probably the best i can do without medical/institutional intervention

[silverislander]

idk if it's genuine excitement or the energy drink i had earlier that's actually letting me focus and work but dude. i am CRUSHING this essay. this is Fun To Write. i think i'm actually doing a really good job here. wtf. i love my major man

[vintagerpg]

So, my pal Clay sent me a box of books. They weren’t a gift, they we more like an extended loan and they amount to perhaps the most direct “please post about these books” I’ve gotten since the feed started. I’ve taken care of a few at this point, but now, well. Ptolus. How the hell do I tackle Ptolus in 300 words?!

Ptolus (2006) is a massive all-in-one setting book for D20 designed by Monte Cook. It consists of a city and two dungeons, one above — the Spire — and a megadungeon below. The book runs 670 pages and features a density of information — maps, cross-sections, various type sizes, sidebars, tabs, cross-references — that I am not sure has ever been achieved before or since. It is truly a monument to a particular moment of BIG DESIGN in RPGs that was fueled by the near universal adaptation of D20. Unlike a lot of other similar projects (World’s Largest Dungeon comes to mind) there is a ton of deep thought and care on display in nearly every design decision I’ve read.

I wanted this book real bad when I learned about it a couple years after release, but it was already scarce. If I had gotten copy back then, it might very well have become my favorite RPG book ever. I’d probably still be playing in it. Because you totally could, there are decades of adventures here. Reading it cover to cove now in 2023 just feels like an impossibility. It’s too big! It works really well as a book to dip into a read a box or two to think about, for inspiration or rumination, but I wouldn’t know where to begin in putting together a cohesive campaign here. I don’t think my brain can fit it all in! I appreciate the painstaking detail, don’t get me wrong, but I would much rather this thing be carved up into a bunch of small books. That’s the main reason I didn’t back the recent re-release on Kickstarter; I knew before Clay ever sent this to me that this book was going to defeat me.

[system-of-a-feather]

Another one of those "passing on the notes I learned from my years of therapy and recovery for those to consider as perhaps a cheat code to not learn it in the long and hard way I did" but one of the things that helps the most to unlearn / learn in recovery is that not everything is pathological and not everything pathological has to be "fixed"

The former is simply saying that not every trait and aspect about you has to come from or be sorted into originating from one of your conditions. Sure, maybe something you do is a bit odd and it could be explained by trauma or neurodivergence, but it also just might be a genuine personality quirk and its fine. It doesn't have to be sweated over or looked at in a lens of a mental / medical condition.

As for the latter, the obvious case of this is autism and ADHD - a lot of the traits in those are "pathological" in the sense that they are considered to be specifically due to having a disorder, but a large number of those "pathological" symptoms (like excessive stimming and having intense interests) on their own really don't inherently need to be fixed.

But the other thing is that some pathological trauma behaviors and symptoms can clearly originate from your traumatic childhood and be something that "no normal person would think / do / behave like" and assuming that extreme statement is true, just because a trait / behavior / aspect of how you live developed due to trauma, doesn't mean it has to change. A trait and behavior can be pathological in that sense and - if its not really hurting anyone and if it can be adapted well into your life - it doesn't have to be a problem. Some pathological trauma-developed aspects of your life are deeply intertwined with how you grew up (much like non-trauma aspects) and sometimes they just aren't worth digging up and doing all the processing to 'fix'. This is especially so for the aspects of yourself that developed due to trauma that are semi or even usually adaptive.

You can have behaviors, traits, and views that obviously developed from your past with trauma AND still keep those in your life AND be happy.

I'm mostly saying this because I am once again reflecting on just how much of our life is pretty intense and wild due to the fact that I - a part that was originally meant to be an imaginary friend and fantasy-orientated escapism and source of hope - became host. A lot of how I experience myself and my relationship with the world is weird and there are a lot of experiences I just don't really have in me to process in a "typical" way.

I'd say that there are probably parts that used to be prone to processing the things I can't, but after so many years our systems become structured to support the quirks I have and I think our brain at this point just doesn't really find the demand or interest to restore those aspects for any near-future reason as it largely still serves us.

At some point, maybe we will target them. Maybe they will become more harmful and/or limiting than helpful, but these traits both work for us, work for those around us, and help us and just all in all work very well for us. Yes they are pathological, but not everything pathological has to go.

On top of that, the idea that all pathology has to be fixed and cured to be happy really just isn't true and honestly just stems from a place of pushing this concept of "normal" which.... who the hell supports the narrative and concept of "normal" in 2024 on tumblr dot com

It's okay to be disabled, disordered, neurodivergent, affected long term by trauma, and / or just straight up weird.

Fix what doesn't work in your life, everything else doesn't have to be sweated over.

[earhartsplane]

I am not trying to ruffle any feathers, but I have to say this before Season 2 comes out, so I can act smug when I’m right. Here is my number one prediction for Good Omens Season 2:

There won’t be a voice-over.

Now hang on. I know it’s a controversial opinion. Let me explain.

I have noticed that virtually every adaptation of Terry Pratchett’s books has some sort of voice over, either diagetic (like Going Postal, where it’s part of the framing device) or non-diagetic (Hogfather). And I get it ! If you’ve read any of the Discworld book and have this weird brain quirk where a part of you is always thinking about how this would translate on screen, you’ve probably noticed two things:

1. There’s visual humour in text form. How ? This man was a genius and a will be missed forever.

2. There’s so much that just can’t be translated on a purely visual level. The footnotes! Should we just leave the footnotes out ? They’re so great! They add so much to the world in general. There are running jokes that only appear in the footnotes ! Should we just accept that it won’t make it to screen ?

Yes. I’m sorry, but yes. Some things will be lost. Maybe you can integrate one of these jokes as recurring background events ? A lot of people are not going to notice though. There’s an expectation that the reader will read all of the words, while the viewer may not see all that’s happening on screen (although, to be fair, you will be noticing new puns on every re-read for years in the case of the Discworld).

(In comparison, adaptation of Neil Gaiman’s work are less prone to voice over. If I remember correctly, Coraline didn’t have one. Sandman starts with a bit of voice-over from the main character, but nothing more after that. I don’t remember any in American Gods. MirrorMask has left me nothing but the memory of a fever dream, so I can’t be sure. )

This is not to say that the voice-over in season one was pointless. It establishes the tone, to start with. If you remember, the opening narration is about the age of the Earth, in which we learn that it was created on the 21st of October, 4004 B.C., and therefore learn its star sign. It’s a good way to show that yes, there are angels in this, and demons, and the garden of Eden, and if you want to think too hard about this, they’ve got you covered. But if you think that these depictions are either blasphemous or religious propaganda, it might be a good time to learn to take a step back (and a joke, in my personal opinion).

But there are definitely instances of narration that would never have happened if season 1 wasn’t a book adaptation. I am thoroughly convinced that Dog’s experimentation with chasing and being chased by cats would have been screen only. Maybe a scene. Maybe something happening in he background. Who knows.

And here’s the thing. Season 2 isn’t the adaptation of a novel. I remember a tweet by Neil Gaiman about how he and Pratchett had a sequel plotted out, but even that isn’t season 2. According to the same, tweet, Season 2 is how we get there.

My number 2 prediction is that there will be a an intense heist scene during which Sadie and Dottie both try to steal some incriminating letters unbeknownst to each other.

[mariana-oconnor]

The Cardboard Box pt 1

An uninspiring title, but apparently it's controversial? All my brain is thinking (I am still le tired) is 'Big fish, little fish, cardboard box' over and over again.

If you don't get that reference, that's probably for the best. the early noughties were weird.

Anyway. I hereby do swear that this time I shall read the text more carefully and all my claims, accusations and harebrained ideas will be based in textual evidence and not mere vibes alone. One cannot thrive on vibes alone!

I'm going to try anyway. I may still dislike characters on principle, though.

He did however take a particular fancy to some of the paragraphs at the beginning of the tale and urged me adapt them for later revisions of my story ‘The Resident Patient’, which I sent to you in January.

OK, so is this going to be an AU version of The Resident Patient? Because I feel like that gives me a head start on the guessing.

I did a side by side of the two and overall it seems pretty much the same, except we're now in August and it's blazing hot. I shudder to think how Watson would have described August in the UK last year. Then we have the discussion about Holmes reading Watson's mind body language. Until we get to the first significant difference:

"Have you observed in the paper a short paragraph referring to the remarkable contents of a packet sent through the post to Miss Cushing, of Cross Street, Croydon?” "No, I saw nothing."

Aha, the titular cardboard box, one wonders?

Watson is really falling behind in his paper reading duties. Holmes is doing all the legwork here. Honestly. You just can't get a good chronicler these days! But he's still making Watson read it aloud.

Holmes does like hearing things read aloud. He'd be all over audiobooks, but he's got Watson for that so it's all good.

I picked up the paper which he had thrown back to me and read the paragraph indicated. It was headed, “A Gruesome Packet.”

Ooooh, I think I might remember a bit of this one. I might remember what's in the box, anyway.

Sorry, that was my contractual obligation.

“Miss Susan Cushing, living at Cross Street, Croydon, has been made the victim of what must be regarded as a peculiarly revolting practical joke unless some more sinister meaning should prove to be attached to the incident."

If it's what I think it is then practical jokes were significantly more aggressive in the Victorian Era. I don't think even TikTok has graduated to this level. We're getting a pretty weird look at the 1800s English sense of humour: beating other children with sticks and... this.

"A cardboard box was inside, which was filled with coarse salt."

Everyone needs some seasoning on their... "two human ears [...] quite freshly severed".

Okay, poor taste, poor taste. I know it's there for preservation. Also weirdly I thought it was going to be fingers. Don't know why I thought that. But yes, this is quite the jape, my friend. I just cut off some human ears and sent them to you.

How is this a practical joke? These are genuine freshly cut ears. Even if they're from a cadaver, that's theft and criminal damage at the very least. Isn't it? And I thought they were particularly strict on stuff like that in the 1800s. We're a little late for the Resurrection Man and Burke and Hare, but they did not like people messing around with corpses.

Okay, research research: 'The Anatomy Act of 1832 made it legal for corpses from workhouses that remained unclaimed after forty-eight hours to be used to satisfy the demands of the anatomists.'

Welp, I guess it was okay to do anything to corpses if they were the corpses of poor people with no friends or family (or at least no friends/family who could afford to claim them).

I mean, on one hand it stopped people from being murdered and science needed bodies to learn how bodies work better (good lord did we need to learn how bodies work better) but on the other hand, this does make me uncomfortable. Workhouse in life, still put to work in death. Also, from a purely scientific viewpoint, your sample is biased. You need some rich people bodies in there, too.

"There is no indication as to the sender, and the matter is the more mysterious as Miss Cushing, who is a maiden lady of fifty, has led a most retired life, and has so few acquaintances or correspondents that it is a rare event for her to receive anything through the post."

So, either she's secretly running an underground crime ring. Or the ears were meant for someone else with the name S. Cushing.

"...she let apartments in her house to three young medical students..."

Oh, yeah, fine. All makes sense now. Medical students are fucking feral. I have met literally one in my life who I would have been comfortable to have as a doctor, and I think he was just really good at hiding it. Guy once got 'kidnapped' by an entire female hockey team and ended up in an entirely different city. Another one I know just kept a dead squirrel in the shared freezer so he could do dissection practice on it.

I'd put the Dead Dove, Do Not Eat gif, but he didn't even label the fucker.

"...their noisy and irregular habits..."

Medical students... yeah.

"In the meantime, the matter is being actively investigated, Mr. Lestrade, one of the very smartest of our detective officers, being in charge of the case.”

Oh hai, Lestrade!

At least the police are putting an actual detective on the case and not just saying 'oh it's a silly prank' and ignoring the transportation of human body parts. Was it illegal to send human remains by the royal mail at that time?

“I think that this case is very much in your line. We have every hope of clearing the matter up, but we find a little difficulty in getting anything to work upon."

'We're totally going to do this, we just don't have... any idea how. But we totally could!'

"The box is a half-pound box of honeydew tobacco and does not help us in any way."

Did somebody say... TOBACCO?

A specialist subject has entered the chat.

If Holmes doesn't use his extensive and very detailed knowledge of tobacco to help solve this case, I will be v. disappoint.

Lestrade, as wiry, as dapper, and as ferret-like as ever...

Watson is contractually obliged to remind you that Lestrade looks like a ferret every time he appears. His publisher insists on it.

I'm informed that an antimacassar is an arm cover for an armchair or sofa. My Nana used to have them. They had tassels and I'd get told off for plaiting the threads in the tassels together. Good times.

“Why in my presence, sir?” “In case he wished to ask any questions.” “What is the use of asking me questions when I tell you I know nothing whatever about it?”

Miss Cushing has very strong Done With This energy and I am here for it. Those are not her ears. She has perfectly good ones thank you very much, and she does not need any more. Why are you still bothering her?

“Quite so, madam,” said Holmes in his soothing way. “I have no doubt that you have been annoyed more than enough already over this business.”

Holmes once again showing that he does have emotional intelligence no matter what people might think.

“The importance lies in the fact that the knot is left intact, and that this knot is of a peculiar character.”

Oh, not the tobacco knowledge, but the knot knowledge. I see 'peculiar' and 'knot' in the same sentence and I immediately think 'sailing'.

Address printed in rather straggling characters: ‘Miss S. Cushing, Cross Street, Croydon.’ Done with a broad-pointed pen, probably a J, and with very inferior ink. The word ‘Croydon’ has been originally spelled with an ‘i’, which has been changed to ‘y’.

Our sender has poor handwriting and poor spelling, then. The 'wrong person' theory is growing stronger. The likelihood that Miss Cushing is a criminal mastermind diminshes. Shame.

He took out the two ears as he spoke, and laying a board across his knee he examined them minutely.

Is he wearing gloves? Please tell me he's wearing gloves.

“Bodies in the dissecting-rooms are injected with preservative fluid. These ears bear no signs of this. They are fresh, too. They have been cut off with a blunt instrument, which would hardly happen if a student had done it."

This feels like something the police should already have noticed. If the questions are 'Where did these ears come from? Has a crime been committed?' you would think someone would have considered whether they were from a preserved corpse or someone fresh. I know that policing has changed a lot since then and forensic medicine wasn't really a thing, but clearly they suspected foul play was a possibility, because Lestrade called for Holmes.

"We know that this woman has led a most quiet and respectable life at Penge and here for the last twenty years. She has hardly been away from her home for a day during that time."

Oh, Lestrade. The things you can do without leaving your home. She might have anyone buried under the floorboards. She might have been sending blackmail letters to her neighbours. She might have been doing any number of things. I still think the wrong person got the parcel, but saying that she's just too respectable for this is very optimistic of you.

I do agree that if she knew what the ears were about, she probably wouldn't have told anyone about them. Unless she's in such a secure position that she doesn't think anyone would ever trace anything back to her. In most situations, it wouldn't be the best move.

"One of these ears is a woman's, small, finely formed, and pierced for an earring."

Did no men wear earrings in Victorian times? Admittedly, probably not 'respectable' men, but the knot's already pointing me at sailor (as is the tarring on the string, tbh) and it used to be a thing that tattoos were mostly a sailor thing over here, and piercing is a similar kind of body art. So a woman or a sailor with small ears.

omg. pirates.

"The other is a man's, sun-burned, discoloured, and also pierced for an earring."

Oh, okay, so the earring wasn't the thing. Doesn't prevent the first ear from belonging to a small pirate, though. Sunburned also makes me think sailors. They have to be outside a lot with no shade. Sunburn on your ears is the worst. They have my sincere sympathy.

Also, y'know, cause they got their ear cut off - with a blunt blade, which... eesh.

"These two people are presumably dead, or we should have heard their story before now."

I mean, they could have been kidnapped and this could be proof of life. These days if you get an unsolicited body part in the real life mail the mind does go to kidnapping. Maybe that originates here - but they have no way of knowing whether the ear was detached ante or post mortem at this point, do they? So it's more proof of having, rather than proof of life. And I don't think I'd recognise my friends or family by their ears, so it's not even really that. If the earrings had been attached then I might recognise them.

Yeah... s'weird. But it doesn't necessarily mean they're dead. Although... Victorian hygiene and understanding of germ theory.

...

Yeah, they've got sepsis. They're dead.

Question spiral! Holmes just asking himself question after question is very relatable. And bringing up all relevant points about how if Miss Cushing knows what's going on, taking the ears to the police but telling them nothing is the weirdest possible response.

I'm assuming that the subject of this email is wrong, because if this is part 1 of 1, there is no conclusion to this story and so without further evidence, I am forced to believe that one large pirate and one small pirate, genders unknown, are currently dead/dying of sepsis and the true recipient of these ears, M. S Cushing (any or all letters interchangeable) has heard nothing of their fate. Although, given it was in the newspaper, they probably have heard about it by now. So maybe they don't need the ears.

No idea why the ears were sent though. Proof of a hit? Proof of life? Just a creepy serial killer who likes to send the ears of their past victim to their next victim? Probably not that one, seems a bit Criminal Minds for a Sherlock Holmes story, but you never know.

[virtualgirladv]

not to preach or anything because i genuinely believe it should be your choice and that you should have the option and would never judge you for taking that option...but i also feel the need as someone who was majorly depressed and suicidal for 14 years of my life and then pretty much only learned to become a person for the next 5 and have since spent my 20s trying and failing to experience things that every teenager does...i still have hope.

hope that things will get better. i try not to think about things that probably aren't too likely, like living forever or getting a robot body, but i have hope for those things too, shockingly. and it's because when i was at my worst, i was lucky enough to have someone who reached out and made my life a little bit better, who gave me hope, and a reason to keep living.

They probably didn't think about it like that, but that's how it was for me. And now...well, things have been bad. Years and years have gone by and I've been in incredibly frustrating situations over and over again. But I look back and think about how I'm not in that position again. I haven't lost hope that much. There are times, definitely, where I get close to it. I've lost a lot of people in my life, both to death, suicide, and other things. I've missed out on a lot of opportunities and burned myself out. I honestly am not sure if I'll ever truly recover from that.

It's like that was a different person, someone who wasn't perfect but had their life together to a degree that is now impossible for me. A person who could go out and play hockey, go to the bar, socialize, work overtime, and make plenty of money to support themselves.

I guess that's what disability does to people, though it seems not many understand that.

But at the same time, the one thing that hasn't changed is that I still have, and will always have, hope. I never would have thought I'd be here at my mothers place after not talking to her for 15 years. I never would have thought that at one point I'd have 5 girlfriends who I loved and loved me. I never would have thought that even after all the things that have happened to me, all the things i've gone through, that I could still smile and laugh and enjoy talking with someone or being in the moment. And yet...it's not like we have a choice. You laugh when something is funny. You feel sad when something sad happens. Sometimes the bad overpowers the good, but sometimes even when it's bad, things can be good. And I think that's important to realize...that first of all it's okay and doesn't make you any less when you're suffering, you shouldn't feel guilty about it, but that more importantly...you have to take the good with the bad. You have to allow yourself to have those moments and be happy.

Because...life is made up of good and bad moments. Life is made up of feeling sad and feeling happy. Humanity's greatest asset is, imo, our ability to hope. To dream. To live and adapt, yes, but more than that, our durability and strength when life sucks.

Because the funny thing is, thinking of it logically? The chances of things not getting better are so miniscule and small that it's barely worth thinking about. There are so, so many branches and paths and situations that can lead to fixing the problems you have, and ultimately only one problem is permanent- death. If the average lifespan is 70-90 years old, that just leaves so many years in the future...so many days and hours and minutes that are so large that our brains can't even comprehend how large it is. We don't even remember everything we've done in the last week or month, let alone the last year- let alone the last 10, 20, even 30 years. Nobody has any idea what's going to happen in the next month, let alone the next year, let alone the next 40, 50, 60 years. So many things can change. So many things will change. 50 years ago transgender rights were just being fought for. 60 years ago black people were still being segregated. 70 years ago the Moon was still a completely unexplored and untouched place. And you can see that on a smaller level in your own life. Especially because the younger you are, the less experience you have and the less reference you have to things in your past. It was 16 years ago that I moved in with my dad. It was 21 years ago that I played Pokemon for the first time. It was 10 years ago that I came out as trans. It was 12 years ago that I started using Tumblr for the first time.

So many things have happened in between those things. So many other things. Good and bad. I don't know that things will ever be only good, but I do know that the only way to find out is to be around, and the only thing that brings your chances of that to zero is not being around. A lot of things aren't good for me right now...but that doesn't mean they won't ever be. And I know that the more I live the more I understand myself and what I want and am able to look back on all the things I've done to make myself better. And I think as long as you can say that you're trying, that's enough. There's just no way to not make progress, inaction can still provide progress, even going backwards can.

So I hope you can be kind to yourself, I hope that you can see not only the bad but also the good, and that you can learn how to use humanity's greatest asset and keep doing your best, I believe in you, I love you, and I treasure your presence here.

(and I'm sorry for being autistic and rambly in your inbox :P)

🫶

[shytastemakerthing]

Hello! I saw that your matchups were open and I’d like some please?

For twisted wonderland, some romantic and platonic maybe? Idk. I kind of don’t know what I’m doing lol

Things about me bc that’s probably important:

- I am very……..very scatterbrained. I can remember what happened 10 years ago but not last week. Yesterday is nothing to me. My memory is either crystal clear or blurred completely, there’s no inbetween.

- Sometimes whether it’s late at night or just after a good movie I have what I call “crack energy” where I’ll start laughing hysterically at the most mundane things or at random things that I say.

- I have a lot of nervous tics, like picking dead skin on my fingers and rocking on my feet but I also have a few verbal ones as well (idk what else to call them, I make these random noises that change slightly depending on my mood).

- Depending on the circumstances I can either be extremely adaptable and rise to the occasion (like emergencies or when someone needs first aid) and in others I end up having a lot of anxiety than is healthy to the point where I’ll start to shake/count money wrong (the line at DQ starts to get pretty long). But either way, I’m very good at trying things out at least once.

- I?? I love frogs and snakes and all sorts of critters. I also love macabre decorations like animal bones used to decorate picture frames? I live for that. Mushrooms have been among my favorite types of fungus for years, I love seeing how people have studied them.

- while I’m not the most athletic person, I do take a Brazilian jiu jitsu class twice a week and I’m close to testing for my final belt in a self defense class. It’s really fun, but violent (In my first class I learned the guillotine choke which has become my favorite since then).

- No matter what happens I try to look on the bright side of things, although with a slightly morbid twist. Like, for example, “if this campsite floods and we’re swept away, at least we’ll be a cool news story to read about” or something. Also, I love to travel and visit people.

- I am very affectionate, but when a certain time of the month rolls around I am very VERY emotional, and it’s awful the two days leading up to it. When I’m really angry at something I have what my family calls a “death glare” that my brothers are apparently terrified of. It’s only something I can properly pull off when I’m properly mad, and I I can’t think about it either or else it doesn’t work. If I’m not angry, I might be crying over something small (usually the result of a whole bunch of other things spilling over into a breakdown.

- I have a weighted stuffed octopus and it’s become one of my most prized possessions. I have a lot of stuffed animals but it’s become my favorite bc I love feeling weight on me for some reason.

Hope that was enough, have a good night amazing human!!!

Hello and thank you for your request!! I hope you are well and in regards to this request, I did both a romantic and platonic match up!

Enjoy!!

Romantic:

I match you with........

Jade Leech

🍁 As soon as he heard about your love for mushrooms, you gained an invitation to join thr mountain lovers club as well as an invitation to come and help him take care of his terrariums pretty fast. He is committed.

🍁 You both often find each other swapping cacts about various mushrooms that you have learned about all while watching each other as if you both just hung the stars in the sky (Floyd sees this and gags..... he's lonely)

🍁 Speaking of Floyd, Jade has had tk take care of him for a good long while and his own personality so needless to say, he can handle you being scatterbrained better than anyone else. Honestly, he says that Floyd is so much worse so this is actually pretty nice.

🍁 To help with how your brain can be in recalling much of anything, he has left quite a few little sticky notes all around for you to find with needed information. Every single day, there is one on your door reminding you to take necessary breaks and to eat something.

🍁 Now, these anxious habits of yours? He has plenty of much better alternatives for you to help with this, mostly goes for picking your dead skin. He would happily whisk you away for an easier and far more relaxing mean of getting rid of it, free of charge. He is very well intune with your emotions and anxiety to know when it all begins even before you do. Anxiety has gone down because of this eel.

🍁 He does not mind your affectionate nature (again, Floyd), and to be honest, he quite loves it. Just make sure there is no one else around to see such softness and we will be just fine.

🍁 And when that lovely time of suffering arrives (IYKYK😭), he has everything that you need before you even say it.... EVERYTHING. Water? Check. Snacks? Grabbed all of your favorites on the way here. Pain mess? He keeps them even in HIS dorm. If a mess has been made? He has already has a warm shower running for you and while you're standing there, he has already changed the sheets and got dirty ones in tbe washer, fresh sheets on the bed, followed by your favorite drink, snack, book, and/or movie ready. Then helps you wash up, gets you in fresh clothing and now you're relaxing comfortably in bed wktn your loving eel.

🍁 Overall, if there is anything you need, Jade will a absolutely have it ready for you. He loves when you hike with him for new mushrooms or surprise him by showing up at the lounge, or even just your presence alone, he is very much happy.

Platonic:

I match you with......

Azul Ashengrotto

🐙 I saw that you have a weighted octopus plushie and that settled this debatebfir me as for a platonic matchup. (I want one now but y'know....*cries in broke*)

🐙 Azul would be the absolute KING at heloig through your nerves and anxieties. Look, he may not look it, but he has plenty if these issues himself, and he has found many helpful ways to work through them that he will be sharing with you, free of charge because you're able tk keep Jade in check, which also helps to keep Floyd in check.

🐙 He saw your weighted octopus plushie and nearly lost it because it was probably the best thing that this poor boy has seen (somebody please give the octopus a hug, he needs it). He has gotten you more.

🐙 As his dearest friend, as he likes to refer to you as, you do get discounts at the lounge. And ONLY you. It's not much as he still wants to bring in the madol, but hey, something is a lot better than nothing.

🐙 Speaking of Madol, if he hears your struggling a hit lately, of are just running a bit low and are in need of some things, he is on his way to your aide, no contract needed (honestly, he stopped trying after a week after seeing you would never sign one, and you're also dating his vice housewarden, who happens tk be his right hand mand, who also happens to be his childhood best friend).

🐙 I can see Azul as someone who would like some macabre things. He lived under the ocean, the ocean is a very dangerous place, and you use what you have. Skeletal remains are among those things, so this live of yours would not bother him. He'd even help you collect.

🐙 Overall, a friendship with the hoursewarden of Octavinelle and the leader of the infamous trio has quite a lot of benefits for you. Not that you are complaining. Great perks, discounted food, and so much more. It's certainly worth it.

[windvexer]

@rose-colored-tarot

to finally get around to your Q regarding attempting to develop psychism versus it developing naturally!

I went through a period where I did try to intensely activate/awaken/tap into psychism. I'm talking 2-3+ hours of practice a day for a period of several weeks.

Ultimately I had to stop because I started developing very worrying psychological symptoms (exploding head syndrome, visual and auditory hallucinations).

But to be completely honest, I have no idea whether or not those techniques actively did anything except make my brain fucky for a while! So in reference to all the "forcing open" of psychic senses everyone was doing a few years ago, yeah, don't recommend it.

My practice now is very pragmatic. I intend to do things with real, tangible results. Staring into a black mirror trying to visualize apples rotating in separate directions is a thing you can do, sure. But what good is it to be able to see a spinning apple in your mind's eye?

The truth is I have no metric I measured as far as my own verifiable results before and after this period. I was also doing a lot of other things that likely contributed to my development as well.

I do believe that psychism is essentially a muscle. Not everyone automatically develops it even when they practice, because not all practices rely on psychism and so those muscles may not develop.

Right now I think the best way to develop psychism (or any supernatural ability) is for a person to consider what end results they want to end up with. For example, some people want to be able to talk to spirits. Other people want to be able to see the energy they're working with, etc. And once that end goal is in mind, I think it benefits a person to just try to do it.

Like, if you, Reader, want to see spirits, just try. If you have no idea how to try, find a 101 exercise and try it. If you don't know if there are spirits around for you to see, learn to find them or call them. Try lots of techniques, give them an honest go, and then break down what works or doesn't work and try something else. Give yourself time to learn techniques but also time for your own muscles to grow and adapt.

Only in that sense do I think psychism happens as you practice. I think if people never try to develop those senses then they rarely will spontaneously develop, even in tandem with other magical skills.

All of the above being said, I do think random techniques probably helped me learn to navigate my own brainspace and gave me handy tools to use later on. But I don't know how useful any of them were in and of themselves.

[deathlygristly]

Sometimes I find things I wrote online a long time ago and they contain memories that I no longer have.

I've seen that post about what would you have posted about if you were on here when you were 11, and I was like hmmm, the Holocaust, My Little Pony, ACC basketball, Sherlock Holmes, Edgar Allan Poe, The Little Mermaid, Animaniacs, Tiny Toons, and also apparently according to the old posts I found Gandhi and MLK Jr. It would appear that several years ago I remembered a fascination with them coming after the interest in the Holocaust.

Which makes sense, I guess. Little me trying to find some hope in humanity afterwards. I mean, that is around the time my mother signed me up for Big Brother, Big Sister. I heard her on the phone saying that she didn't know what to do with me and I was terrified she was giving me up for adoption. Turned out it was more that she didn't know how to handle an existentially depressed preteen who would look at the most beautiful spring days and imagine smoke rising from the crematorium.

Also when I wrote those posts I was having a similar reaction about healthcare here in the US, trying to find a way to live in a world where I was under the control of other members of my species who were fine with extreme suffering and cruelty and who enjoyed causing it. It was shortly after the ulcer where my choices were to go to the ER or die, so the cost of healthcare here was on my mind a lot.

Then came Trump, and finally my choices were adapt to living on the same planet as humans or die. I chose to adapt. Got medication for the anxiety and managed to find some level of seeing and appreciating the most beautiful spring days and being extremely happy with that and just letting the human darkness go so I could live.

So if I don't reblog much political content on here and I unfollow/block people I don't know well who reblog a lot of the darker and more vicious stuff, it's because of that choice. Me talking about how awesome the spousal person is, about how it's fun to watch kdramas and try teas with him, about how cool the cats are, etc - that's all me choosing to live.

Humans are gonna human and I can't stop it or control it or do anything about it, but I can appreciate beauty and I can laugh and I can pet cats and I can hug the spousal person and I can live as well as I can, since I was born on this planet and I have no other choice anyway.

It is still interesting and fun occasionally to wonder about how humans work and to try to understand where the cruelty and enjoyment of causing suffering comes from or even how much of it is the result of conscious choice and how much of it is just the unfortunate result of how human brains work in certain situations.

And if anything trying to learn about that more has helped, because the more I've learned the more I've realized that a lot of it comes from a cycle of abuse and trauma and how human brains react to that cycle, and how most humans aren't scary monsters who enjoy hurting others. They're mostly just traumatized and/or ignorant and/or trying to survive as best they know how and/or desperate to stay included in their tribe. They're more pitiful than scary, and I mean pitiful as in inspiring much pity, not as an insult.

I think probably the only thing I can do about humans being human is to try to be kind and help others, and doing what I can to keep myself joyful helps with that.

I don't know. Anyway tonight we're going to pick up a sanity pill refill, aka escitalopram, and eat at our favorite restaurant, so we'll only have time for one episode. Which there aren't any new shows airing today that we're into so it'll be an episode of Faith, aka The Great Doctor. It's from 2012 when kdramas did not have the budget they have now and it's very amusing. Also it's from before the Joseon Exorcist controversy so it's actually based on real history near the end of the Goryeo dynasty and it's fun learning about the real people the characters are based on.

[mangoshorthand]

Your thoughts on the Five going to school/college in S4 speculations? And Five’s journey in S4 in general? I kind of dislike the idea. The man is nearly 60 and tired, I want him to have a break instead of dealing with teens and homework.

I can understand where the thoughts are coming from though, because what is he supposed to do at 13 with no powers, but I can imagine he would be so done there, and you can see he is cleanly uncomfortable being stucked in his teenage body. Two new characters where officially introduced to work as professors, maybe Five will be one too? Probably for maths?

In general I am curious where the story will go for him.

Will he stay in his body and catch up the years he lost in the apocalypse? Because I remember Aidan saying something like Five never got to discover who he really is. But then he would be mentally like, over 100 in the future?

Will he get his old body back? But Aidan not playing his last scene would be sad, Aidan is born for this role. Aidan is Five.

Will he die? Sounds logical since we have the problem with his body, and he is always the one who tries to saves everyone’s ass. (And still gets scolded instead of getting a hug or thank you, which bugs me). But Five dying after everything he’s been through would also break not me but I guess everyone who loves his character.

I am sorry for the long ask, but I really liked your answer about AroAce Five and I am interested in your thoughts about this as well!

Well, ya know, now you meeenntion it, I actually have a fic on Ao3 about Five ending up in juvie after losing his powers, called Alias Number Five so you might consider this as part of my speculation on a possible S4 trajectory. But enough pushing my own shit:

School/University?

I don't see Five going to school. I think, even in a situation where he was forced to, it would be clear that he could pass his final exams within the first month and he would be accelerated. I don't think he would tolerate school. I can imagine him enjoying being around kids in the way an indulgent uncle might but I don't think he'd tolerate a school setting for long. University is more likely in my opinion. I think Five is someone who wants rest, but I honestly think he would get bored shitless of retirement within a couple of weeks. He might have the memories and experience of an older man, but his body is not. A lot of the physical and mental tiredness you get when you're older is physiological (the brain and body slowing down, becoming less adaptable) and Five has the physical body and brain as a young person. He'd simply have too much energy to spend 70+ years fucking about fishing and gardening. I can see academia in something like maths, engineering or theoretical physics as a happy medium: he would have a long term project but enough time to breathe while he did it. Very little urgency, plenty of time to goof off and find himself, time to actually grow up and discover who he is. Just like we all do at college.

Body?

I doubt Five will get his body back. And I don't want that for him either. He actually does need to grow up and learn to navigate the non-apocalyptic world and relationships with other humans. He needs the time and energy that the younger body will give him to do that. All my fics about him are, at their core, about his inability to do this, (or learning how to). I find it really interesting to imagine how he would approach normal interpersonal things (e.g. romantic relationships, communicating his feelings, parenthood) when his most formative years were spent without other people. He's naive yet jaded and that's a fascinating combination. Also, as great as AG is, I have to put in a shout for Old Five's actor. Sean Sullivan is brilliant too and definitely does the character justice. Their work together is very impressive.

Death?

I think his death is not unlikely as a plot point. If he does, I think he will die in the way that Allison and Klaus 'appeared' to die and then came back. How they'll achieve that, I don't know. Five is a very self-sacrificing person and I have no doubt he would sacrifice himself for his siblings if called upon to do so. It would make sense for his character. I am also frustrated by how much his siblings take this for granted, (another theme in Alias Number Five!), and Five choosing to die to save them could be the thing to kick them up the ass and get them to start appreciating him. It would make narrative sense, you know?

Thanks for the ask. I like to pontificate. 😊

[torque-witch]

TW Trauma

But as my personal diary, there’s something I wanted to touch on as I continue to navigate whether my mannerisms are autism or cptsd.

(Yes, my therapist gave me a list of neuro-psych evals I can pursue, but these things cost money or could cost my medical paper trail for future endeavors bc of how fucked everything is)

Looking back now, it’s fairly clear that autism does run in the family, particularly with my sister as she very clearly displays textbook mannerisms, high stakes social grievances, high IQ, sensory limits, etc. I can see that my Dad is probably the culprit as he’s literally been neck-deep in a hobby for 30+ years and LIVES at his office and doesn’t have social interactions outside of customers. Meaning he literally doesn’t sleep at home. And my parents aren’t divorced. (They should be)

But like my personal grievance, as I’m aware that I’ve socially been more flexible, is that I’m realizing all of these characteristics later in life that are still somehow a product of trauma, and that can be confusing.

I shut down and go non-verbal during high-stress or confrontational situations. I remember that I started doing this because my mom would never accept what I had to say when I was defending myself, so I just stopped talking and looked blankly at her while I disassociated. This made her even angrier bc she assumed I didn’t care about my own personal failings. At some point that turned into laughter and I still do that when something is upsetting to me or physically painful. To the point my dad called me a masochist at 13.

My mom would ask me how my day was every day and I would just say “good.” And not expand because there were no follow up questions. It made her angry bc she assumed I just didn’t want her to know. And to a point, I didn’t. She made it so that after she was done homeschooling me she inserted herself into the public school in the music program, that me and my sister were in, so almost none of our interpersonal relationships and interactions were private. It was a defense mechanism.

I had a very obsessive approach to middle and high school crushes. To the point that my crushes noticed and called my behavior repulsive and creepy and generally treated me poorly. It got less creepy after 10th grade. But it basically just meant that I was living in a fantasy world in my brain and over-estimating my importance in other people’s lives. I still somewhat do that. But I also wonder if my parents essentially teaching me that relationships are evil and never having a sex talk (literally ever) made me hyper-focus on everything I could be missing out on. On top of me never seeing them hug or kiss in 30 years of being alive.

I also didn’t understand hierarchies in high school, or any social setting. I was friends with teachers. I had multiple different kinds of friend groups, and sometimes they would get angry that I would hang out with other groups. I was always confused why popular people avoided me or would be fake to me. Or yes, I would be duped by them and become the joke.

I was clearly being used by certain friends and I went along with it because I wanted their validation and connection. But was this all because I wasn’t getting that at home?

And for a while I think I just went through different periods of my life after/through college adapting to specific groups and ripping myself from them violently when I felt threatened or unappreciated as I learned quite late to stand up for myself and recognize that I was being used. I became a new person every time and very independent.

I’m certain of who I am now, but who might I be tomorrow? As an adult I don’t think I’ll change that much now that I have a solid understanding of my morals, needs, societal niche - but I do acknowledge that I have been many people I hate in order to avoid being perceived. Becoming disabled changed a lot for me because it was immutable. But my personality has always adapted to the people around me or my work.

So is that a trauma response? Or was my very existence a breeding ground for trauma to be incurred on me.

The last one is super super TW for abuse, but I think what really seals it for me is when growing up I just really didn’t understand the importance of cleaning and/or may have been struggling with ADHD as well. My mom was very upset that I just “couldn’t” seem to clean my room properly, that I wasn’t bothered by it, and that I would “forget on purpose.”

She straight up called me r*tarded. Threatened to put me in a boarding school or military-like reconditioning for “bad kids.”

But I now know the problem was that she just never explained the importance, nor gave me a step by step description of how to do it. And that was just plan negligence. It’s hard to connect with her now remembering that. Because it still shapes my meltdowns. I’m stupid. I can’t do anything right. Nothing WORKS. I’m trying my best and nothing is happening. I resist learning because it feels painful if I can’t do it on my own terms.

So yeah. Maybe an unnecessary ramble, but that’s sort of my dilemma as I try to unravel why I exist like this. Especially in the work force again and noticing it big time.

[nokiareptilestonaniteandlumen]

Dear Readers, How's it going? Good, I hope. 

For the last 6 months I’ve been keeping my eyes peeled for anything AI related that I could understand, and today, I’m finally going to weigh in on Sam Altman’s brainchild, ChatGPT.

First disclaimer, I’m not a professor, nor an expert. Nowhere near it and since I started this blog about 1 year ago, I have been pursuing a career in tech, so I’m a noobie. I thought I’d go down the rabbit hole of neural networks because lots of experts are hinting towards it as the future. With a formal education in communications from the Univ of Tenn @Chatt, I know enough about research, media, and business to be dangerous. Second disclaimer, since this new wave of tech was recently released, I have had the pleasure of picking at it abroad, therefore in two different languages (3 if you count Wolfram, a computational language). My research will be presented at the bottom, however, I mainly relied on 2 sources because I simply preferred their direct approaches. Warning - were about to get into the weeds, ***obligatory gulp of coffee***

First was an interview conducted by The New Yorker. In my intro I asked you guys, “How’s it going?” I bet you didn’t answer like ChatGPT, “ As a language model, I do not have the ability to experience or do anything. Is there anything else I can assist you with?” You probably sound more like this, “I’m fine, thanks.” Quite the different approach, but exactly the same as Siri. This is important because it is how we differentiate chat bots from humans. Which leads to the second question - why is it that you are a you then if you aren’t a sentient being? This makes me think of men and their cars. For me, I have only talked to a car to pep talk it into making it to the next gas station. You spend your good and bad times with your car. When you aren't a grease monkey/mechanic and she makes a weird noise or doesn't do what you want, people resort to talking to it and make loosely based comments based on these behaviors sometimes to appease it or treat it. We could go further with the similarities of these relationships, but the analogy screeches to a halt because cars don’t talk back, unless you're Chuck Norris.

Back to the interview, the answer it gives is interesting albeit creepy. It says it’s for you (the user) to feel more natural. Evidently, our brains aren’t wired to speak to AI. But it’s this inauspicious start that sets the mood for the article and makes the AI seem unsettling at the least and perhaps a little manipulative.

My research then went to the tech side from watching Stephan Wolfram do a 1-hour breakdown on his blog that I think is worth checking out. If you’re in a hurry, I have taken my time to bring you my highlights. His perspective is one of greatness, as a CEO of an eponymous research company, and a neural network researcher.

I wanted to learn how the technology works and be able to explain it in broad terms before testing or adapting to everyday life. Like in life, it’s always best to gain knowledge of something foreign, before blindly collaborating with or passing away precious past time with it. This topic was different than most. It was hard to read about on platforms like Twitter. These sites thrive off of outrage, I was coming to this conclusion after laboring through posts that only boiled down to shock value. Or as the writer, Bounthavy Suvilay (Indie Games 2) aptly puts it, (they) ‘only benefit social media networks by keeping their users captive in a heightened emotional state’. I’ll add to this, they are a great place to find pessimism as compelling as it is obscure.

So what is it? ChatGPT is based on the fact that there is regularity in the English language, and it may be even deeper than we thought, it  takes this structure (grammar, literary tools,etc.) and assimilates what we know. As you know its goal is to complete your text, but it does this by taking everything it’s dealing with and grounds it up to numbers called weights as opposed to a computer which operates in 1s and 0s.

After this, the AI uses what it knows about the English language and returns (at a rate of 1 word at a time) the outcome and that’s as far as I can understand technically. Again I’m not a computer scientist so I’ll stop there and leave you with the quote, “the simplest answer is usually most likely the correct one”. What is it with ChatGPT’s super celebrity status though, why are so many people becoming users? Its wild success in the short time it’s been available makes apps like Instagram seem novel. I don’t get it. But I was obsessesd with the movie Phenomenon featuring the John Travolta. Is it the ol saying if it’s free it’s for me… Most of the internet world can speak or understand the English language. This might be a helpful start.

Back to Wolfram, in the Q&A portion of his blog, I loved how he wistfully entices his audience by flaunting his 45 years of expertise casually stoking the fire of the deeptech industry, which has been around for years. Experts consider 2012 a milestone when Googlex found it possible to train and use deep neural nets. Concentrating on ChatGPT, it's not only scraping the internet, it’s picking up regularity in the way humans speak/write similar to how we learn. But some aspects may be deeper and it’s likely picking up haptics from a space where we have yet to be able to artificially describe. Maybe that last part is a stretch and unprovable, but may be as the tech inevitably progresses. In the end, Wolfram draws parallels with other aspects of biology and says in theory these features can be attributed to other animals. He was vague but sounds a little like Dr. Doolittle to me.

On this animal topic, let’s take a dog, any kind, your family pet, a sheep dog, or even a police dog. According to Meta’s chief AI scientist Yann LeCun, ChatGPT in its current evolutionary stage resembles a canine, and it will take the next 30 years to reach human intelligence.

But back to my question, what makes this app different? My take is when people seek new toys/games/etc., especially ones that try to fool the brain, we get this stubborn and relentless urge to test its limits until one is fulfilled. And in this respect, ChatGPT has passed with flying colors. If you have tried the app, take the example of ‘tokens’. OpenAI engineers are like “the house” in a casino except instead of cards they deal in workability, the game is how closely can their ‘tokens’ work to sound like logically sounding answers according to human’s current understanding of the topic. This token can be reinserted into this neural net until one’s tiny heart is desired, at the same time the next prompt is fed back into the machine working in its favor as feedback. Until, you can no longer trace the token back to its original form — meaning you cannot ever truly arrive at a perfect answer. The boundaries are also limited by how many tokens can be used. And to reduce server usage, OpenAI started limiting tokens.

I don't want to mince words, but they haven’t sold me on it. I decided to learn about it before trying, and I’m glad I did. They essentially released the beta to collect data, but that’s not why I turn up my nose. It’s my background in sales, I have to be sold on stuff before buying it/using it. And frankly, the world obsessing over something is not enough to interest me. The pessimist in me still strives to find utility. For now I’ll stick with Google. I know it’s different and old skool, but in the end they use algorithms that take your words, or what ChatGPT refers to as prompts and quickly lead you to an answer that still satisfies my little heart.

I really loved the spirit of how creatives saw the utility in strong-arming sucky machines with it. I’m referring to this Foxbusiness.com article where it tricked a task rabbit by playing a person who is blind in order to forgo a CAPTCHA. Sounds like a wee-bit Black Mirror, duuuude. I had to investigate further on the subject to find out visually impaired are truly struggling with CAPTCHA. Something I never thought about. I then uncovered some even cooler news. This minority who has trouble seeing can now use ChatGPT to ID things in photos. Side note: what a terrible security system CAPTCHA is. I’d argue this invention is as annoying as the pop-up.

Also, I want to address people profiting from AI-written books by selling them via sites like Amazon. I doubt these guys are actually making money, if so awesome, but as someone who reads I don’t buy it. From a Reddit thread on the other hand, I learned that video game devs are using the LLM to write code. However, it is uber specific code in the video game engine Unity. In fact, it helped code blades of grass to appear more realistic. You can’t just write into the prompt code grass moving and basta! The coder is already skilled and delegates tasks to the AI to save time.

In the end we will undoubtedly come up short in fixing all of society’s problems via using it in its current form, and like most tech advancements, they will likely aid in generating wealth for Big Tech. Speaking of, Reddit is now being hijacked by its most popular mods and (***puts on tinfoil hat***) to my belief, it might have something to do with pressure created from companies like OpenAI's. Why? The threatening of ad revenue perhaps, why sift through hundreds of Reddit comments threads when the machine does it for you. More specifically ChatGPT's operation depends on ‘terabytes of books and Reddit posts, virtually all of Wikipedia and Twitter, and other vast repositories of words’, according to The New Yorker, or as Wolfram estimates ‘a trillion-ish words of texts’ are at its disposal.

Speaking of disposal, let’s not get started on its environmental impact. As I painstakingly try to sort my trash from recycling, ChatGPT servers are sitting in an air-conditioned warehouse 'plagiarizing (sic) essays, sending flowery emails and asking if God exists,' says Aisling Ní ChúláinNo’s (euronews.com article).

At last, we all know when it comes to freemium software or ones being sold for a loss, it’s only the tip of the iceberg. ChatGPT at first seemed to me like a beefed up predictive text finding the most plausible of ways to explain ideas via language, but now I know its use is gaining potential and has a 30-year plan to take the world by storm. I’d like to push it further and interview an OpenAI employee next month.

 **RELATED FUTURE BLOGPOST lol ** - The new wave of enthusiasm for neural networks created by the release of ChatGPT appears promising for the future of big tech with its eco-friendly rating being harmful for its stakeholders.

SOURCES:

What is ChatGPT doing...and why does it work?

https://www.newyorker.com/news/the-new-yorker-interview/its-not-possible-for-me-to-feel-or-be-creepy-an-interview-with-chatgpt

Suvilay, Bounthavy. Indie Games 2. Portland, Oregon, Ablaze LLC, August 16, 2022

[greyias]

Post-WIP Musings

Fair warning, this is just me blathering about my first draft process on this project I’ve been working on.

That post-first draft feeling is always a little odd, especially on longer projects. In a way, I’m not quite into the post-project blues yet, as I still do have quite a bit of revisions on my little monster left. But after the initial feeling of triumph fades on finishing a draft, there’s always this weird empty space where the project used to inhabit.

Right now I’m sitting here with an urge to do something, but I can’t quite figure out what that is. Maybe I’m just resisting buying the new kitty game that everyone’s playing.

As my day job today was mostly hands off transcoding work, I spent part of this afternoon going through scenes and making notes in the margins on all of the things that I had deliberately ignored in “fast” drafting (some of which I had made at the time they occurred to me), on various threads I had introduced or accidentally dropped to make sure I have a cohesive whole. I’m not quite in the editing mood/mindset tonight to start rewriting/revising from the beginning, but perhaps I can nudge my brain to start on that next week.

In a large part, the first draft of this story was a way for me to experiment with a different method to writing a longer work. Partially because I have gotten a little frustrated with myself on my longer WIPs stalling out for long periods of time. One of my secret hopes is that, in pushing forward and finishing this experiment, I might be able to finally finish off my albatross as well as some other long lingering projects that hit the back burner that I stubbornly refuse to give up on.

(And maybe one day slip a little original fiction into the mix. As a treat.)

The process was kind of half-baked and adjusted on the fly, but it kind of went like this:

Write out an extremely brief/overview of the idea/project as a whole. As I’m sort of adapting something with a “what if” type twist, this was easier than something formed wholly from the ground up. I also had a slapdash of scene ideas that I had scribbled out a while ago, either in talking to friends or just in a Scrivener document, so I had those to reference as well.

Wrote out a very brief, 1-2 sentence summary of each scene/chapter.

Expanded each scene summary into a skeleton of the basic outline of what would happen in each scene. This took about 3-4 days, maybe spending an hour at most in any given session. The references of my idea spilling/nattering to friends helped keep me on track, as I started to go a bit off on tangents at points and had to reel myself back in.

When the entire skeleton had been drafted, I went back to the first scene, and started writing “for real”.

I believe this may be an adaptation of something called the “Snowflake Method”, which I read about briefly a few years back but never wound up trying because it seemed really overwhelming at the time. I will probably actually find some articles/books to learn a bit more about the thinking/methodology behind that method, because I’m a little more intrigued now to see if there’s other bits of advice in there that might help.

While I don’t necessarily know if this experiment in outlining/fast drafting/whatever-this-was was the most efficient writing process, but other than a few instances where I hadn’t anticipated needing more of a scene than I had initially drafted up -- it was actually nice to have a roadmap of the basic flow of each scene written down before I got there. Instead of trying to think of both what was supposed to happen next within the scene, or where a conversation needed to end up, or what the gist/emotion I was going for, I could instead focus on the meat of how to express and expand on that. Instead of feeling boxed in and lacking motivation for what to write next, in a way I felt like I could experiment more? As I had guardrails for not forgetting what I was doing, I could play in the language a bit. Play with the characters and have fun with the dialogue. If I forgot where I was going in the middle of the sentence I could just look at the outline and go “oh yeah”, and backtrack, instead of just. Staring at an unfinished sentence for minutes on end wondering what I was trying to say.

The more I write, the more I think having constraints helps me as a writer. I think it’s part of the reasons I love doing prompts so much, because I both have guardrails (”try and answer the prompt in a way that makes sense”) as well as a way to indulge my inner contrary nature (”how can I push this to the boundary of its intent”). I don’t know, for some reason balancing between the two is a lot of fun for me, and maybe part of the reason it sometimes takes me forever and a day to fill out the prompts in my askbox. That push and pull of discovering the scene while writing is a lot easier on a sub-5000 word single scene story than it is on a 30K+ multi-chapter story.

TL;DR -- discovering the general path before writing helps create a cohesive whole.  It’s like actually looking up a map before an epic road trip so you don’t get lost and run out of gas. I have no idea why I’ve been resisting it on my longer projects for so long.

This has already gotten long and unwieldy as is, but it’s funny. In between making editing notes, I was replying to some lovely epic comments someone left on an older fic over on AO3. As I was searching through my gmail account to remind myself of something from ye ancient story, I found an archive lost/locked post from like 2009 on my old livejournal where I was talking about my writing process. (The more things change--?) And while I was rambling much in the manner above trying to find motivation and the way to finish longer works, I noticed that while my understanding of the craft and underlying structure has grown, my motivation, what I find fun, and why I want to write really hasn’t.

Which I do find interesting.

Anyway, I won’t make this any longer and more rambly than its already gotten, but I’ve been listening to a lot of audiobooks on my commute lately about story structure/characters/inner story lately and would like to expound on them a bit in a separate post. There’s one in particular that I think has really crystalized/helped put into words something in my writing process that I was doing subconsciously, and having someone actually dissect those methods in detail makes me feel... less like I’m stumbling in the dark. And I’m hoping to integrate some of its advice in future projects.

...once my brain has space again for those that is.

[questinwitchface]

ok so from your WIP Game

Two Big, Blonde, Bearded Himbos Discover They're a Little Queer

fucking iconic title we love it

Peter/Oli - No Bad Decisions

PETER !!! AND OLI!! SDOJGAS

basically all of your writing projects sound so cool and so do all of your other art projects

like,,, nerd vest? bi pride skirt?? avenger dolls??? askSJOdjsjZIS

i would love to learn more abt the wips u talked abt if u have the energy to share that's all thx <3

Okay, you asked for a lot of them (thank you for being interested!), so I'm gonna try to keep the explanations short so this answer isn't a mile long lol.

Two Big, Blonde, Bearded Himbos Discover They're a Little Queer is a Steve/Thor fic. I don't have much of it written, but the premise is basically that Thor and Steve both think they're straight and discover that they are not. Steve realizes he's feeling some kind of way about Thor's sparkly eyes and freaks, so he goes to Sam and Bucky for help. Meanwhile, Thor figures out that he's not squeezing his gym bro Steve's biceps platonically, so he goes to Valkyrie and Loki for help ("Can you just... wake up one day and realize you're attracted to a man after thinking you were straight for a couple millennia?"). Their friends try to help them get together, and it's really just a bunch of awkward fails and confusion lol. They get together at the end tho. (Also thank you, I'm really super proud of this title 😊)

Peter/Oli - No Bad Decisions is a spin-off of Pride Brought Us to Bad Decisions that takes place during Peter's sophomore year at MIT, when Oli ends up moving in with him, Ned, and MJ. Cue the cute Oli/Peter romance. Idk if I'll ever actually write this one bc I always feel kinda weird about making OCs a main part of a fic, but idk. I really love Oli, and I liked writing Peter like this, so whether it's popular or not, I'll probably end up writing it eventually. I love them. 😅

Nerd Vest is a white denim, cropped vest I bought about a year ago on clearance at my favorite store, and I've been slowly and surely doing nerd shit to it. I'm currently working on some Avengers-themed embroidery along the hem, which is slow-going because I have embroider and denim is thick. I have plans to acquire patches to sew on and pins to pin on it, and if I get really brave, I'll pick up some fabric medium and maybe attempt painting on some designs, but idk about my paint skills, lol.... Nerd Vest!

Bi Pride Skirt is my attempt at crocheting myself a skirt. It's basically like 15 purple panels I plan on joining together with pink and blue, and doing a pink waistband with a blue scalloped hem at the bottom. Idk if that makes any sense for people who don't crochet, but, as usual, I'm making it up as I go along, so idk how to explain it better yet. I only have the purple panels made right now.

Avenger Dolls are little crochet dolls (I think they're technically called amigurumi or something like that?). I found a pattern book and kit thing at Barnes and Noble 2+ years ago, and it only includes like 8 character patterns, but I'm pretty sure the patterns are adaptable for other characters if I dedicate enough brain power to it. So once I've finished the first one (I misunderstood the pattern on the first attempt and the result was 🥴 not great, poor drunk-looking Steve), I'll figure out how to make myself a little set of my favorite little characters.

I'm sorry that was so long. Hopefully each thing was interesting enough. I know you said you're interested in all of it, but explaining all my WIPs in one post felt really gratuitous lol. Thank you for asking and being interested! 😊

[chaosthatsmellsgreen]

Netflix's Avatar The Last Airbender thoughts, part 5/5

And finally, about Aang. The need for a trigger warning is nuts; it's about a certain interpretation of a plot point and the warning is repeated before the paragraph where I talk about it.

Also, if you actually read this whole thing, thanks! I just had so many thoughts about this adaptation and I needed to get them all out. A few months ago I did a Supernatural rewatch and I did a meta on the last episode and the general storytelling of S1-5, and I thought that was long, oh man. I was incorrect. That one actually fit into a single post! If you read this and have comments please feel free to talk to me, I've been scrolling through the #natla tag on tumblr for two days trying to see how everyone else reacted. There is also probably like fifteen other bulletpoints I could make but I've started this at like noon and it's 1 am and this is already a five parter text post which tbh nobody is going to read because I know I wouldn't! ADHD brain be like "hey, write this!" but if I see a even a ling single part meta post it just goes "too many words, bye." Potentially expect further relatrf thoughts and/or a lot of reblogs in the near future.

Aang: idk about Aang. he's got good moments and weak moments, i don't love his arc so far. i think Aang is a bit of a debated character in the original, but i personally liked his 3 season arc. now i've been a little worried about what they're going to do with it when they were talking about making some changes to it? and after seeing season 1, i feel like i was right to be worried. so in general i think Aang's "arc" is really weak in this. he's basically just going back and forth between "well i don't wanna be the avatar" and "well i've got to stand up as the avatar" and he just sort of goes through this in every episode without making any progress. i also really hate that this season went so hard on the whole "The Avatar's burden is a lonely one" thing, because while that's relevant, i think it works much better in the original where Aang (and the audience) gets a lot of time to build up a connection with the rest of the Gaang and the Guru telling him that he needs to let go of earthly attachment and therefore Katara at the end of book 2 is such a sudden cold shower.

Aang (TW: SUICIDE): also his decision at the end of the season is so sad. i mean not for nothing but he's basically suicidal? like... that's so depressing, i really didn't want to be thinking about Aang wanting to literally die because he's so sad and lonely? i'm not saying it's not like realistic or whatever, it just made me feel like shit. it's like Bumi being so cynical and angry. it's not unreasonable of this Aang, who's being told on a weekly basis that whatever he does, he's going to lose everyone he loves, that after all his people have been killed, he's now going to have to bear this enormous burden he's never wanted completely alone, and that if he tries to find help anywhere that's not within himself, his past lives, he's also going to get everyone fucking killed. and i know it's sort of framed like a sacrifice, which it is, but the way he talks right before he does it, like "I should've been lost a 100 years ago, this isn't my world"??? despite what i think was the intended framing it felt so much like he just wants to die, like this is the only use for himself he can see in this world is to fucking. DIE. IT'S JUST SO FUCKING SAD. from this (originally) optimistic and resilient character this is sooo very out of character (the sacrifice wouldn't be. this basically suicide-thinly-veiled-as-sacrifice is.) okay i'll stop harping on about this, you get it.

Aang is out of character overall: anyway. another real bad moment was Aang telling Katara not to fight, all i'll say about that is that this is clearly not the Aang who said "if you don't train Katara, i won't learn from you either" putting his avatar training in jeopardy because someone tried to tell Katara what she can and cannot do. idk what else to say about him, i'm not really vibing with this adaptation of his character. OG Aang shines through here and there but he's lost a lot of his optimism, his inner strength, his charisma and his wisdom. i hope some of these issues get addressed if we get around to more seasons.

PART 5/5

START // PREVIOUS

Thank you for reading!

[mytherapyjournel]

entry 1

Have you ever sat there one day and asked yourself "what the fuck did I do in my past life to deserve this" because there is no way that one person deserves to be handed this much bullshit in one life? I have done my fair share of therapy sessions, been told to journal in all of them. Have I ever done it? Yeah. Did it work? No. Probably my fault for not taking it seriously enough, but let's give it a go then hey.

I think I feel more anger for the things that has happened to me from a young child to an adult at the ripe old age of 27 (almost 27 I should say, there's still 6 days) I hate the look of pity in peoples eyes when I'm anxious in a conversation and accidentally overshare a memory that my brain has numbed myself into thinking is normal. "I'm not a sob story, I'm a success" I tell them, as if that makes what I just said any better.

My therapist told me it's normal to think about the life I could have had if my dad wasn't an alcoholic, the thing is, I know what it would have been because I had it when he was sober. He was a great dad, stern but fair. He taught us right from wrong, how to be a strong woman and stand up for yourself from a very young age, this is all until he had a few too many beers and spirits to wash away his own trauma. Unless you grew up with an alcoholic parent its very hard relate to the feeling of having two dads; The great, supportive, incredible father every child deserves and the angry, violent, and irrational father no child should ever have to witness. It's almost like whiplash with how quickly they can turn into a different person but you learn to adapt. When I'm asked in job interviews "how do you adapt to be successful no matter what situation is thrown at you" a part of me wants to scream "I HAVE BEEN DOING THIS SINCE I WAS BORN" but I just give a bland, stock standard answer that usually gets them nodding their heads.

Anger. I held so much anger towards my mother for staying with my father, I now know it isn't fair. I have a vivid memory of my mother crying on the bathroom floor on the phone to one of her friends apologising for my dads behaviour after a day at the races (he got drunk and accused the friends husband of stealing his money, but he put the money away and forgot about it). She was sobbing, begging her friend to not tell anyone. This was the first time I as an 8 year old asking my mother to leave my father for her own happiness, but it would take another 9 years for her to build the courage and succeed at it. My mother was always the strict parent, she wanted her daughters to be raised right with high morals and self respect, until she left my father and I was allowed to go any party I wanted, drink alcohol underage, stay out all night and not worry about school. I was once again experiencing whiplash, but you tell a 15 year old they can do whatever they want and they think they have reached heaven.

I did many things I am not proud of in my younger years, I put myself into risky situations that I have no idea how I survived. I blamed my mum for this for a very long time, I would to think myself "why would she let me do that, she's meant to be a parent". Really I was just young and immature and couldn't hold myself accountable. I remember bringing this up to my therapist once and she turned to me and said "she did the best she could with what was provided to her, she had to choose between being mother or to survive and if she didn't survive, you wouldn't have a mother who is alive" Harsh? Yes. Correct? Absolutely. I hugged my mother tight that day, I thanked her for everything she has done to keep a roof over my head, food on the table and most importantly a safe place to sleep every night.

This when I knew that if I was actually going to be a success story, it would be up to myself.