#now im not sleeping bc too anxious
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up at 3am having anxiety attacks when I have a really long day tomorrow and also the day after and also the day after and also.. uhh I don't have any rest days planned until January 🙃 and probably not even then bc I have to housesit for 2 different people and honestly I'm not capable of that but I can't back out of it cause neither of them will be able to find anyone else. so. killing self
#its a joke dw#but like#what do i do#ed mumbles#every single day of the rest of nov and December i have so much to do#and i havent slept properly in ages#couldnt stay asleep more than a few hours last night#now im not sleeping bc too anxious#and i have to get up and do shit and i dont know how im gonna do it
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pretty sure i just got a spider bite while trying to fall asleep 🧍
#i thought it was just a stray hair on my elbow under the blanket and kept trying to shake it off#and then i finally went to brush it off w my hand and felt a bump there#and then it was unbearably itchy so i turned the lamp on to apply some anti-itch stuff bc it was driving me nuts#and i was trying to see where it was on my elbow bc wtf when did i get bit#and then i looked at it and it was very pale like a fresh bite and then there was some skin torn like a spider bite#i cant tell if theres two little holes or not and honestly idk if spiders always leave two fang marks fjdkdl#but it doesnt look like a mosquito bite unless i tore the skin myself from scratching at it#but the way it is looking... very similar to past spider bites#anyways i just removed everything from my bed and methodically searched Everything. looked all around the bed too. cannot find a spider#so. shrug. <- actually very afraid#but the thing that makes me Really think it's a spider is that the bump was super pale and now after a little while it is regular skintone#so that makes me think it was a brand new fresh bite the way it was a different colour and now its normal looking#which is uhhh scary! to have had a spider possibly in my bed!#and I can't find it so i simply do not Know and that is going to make it so hard to sleep tonight fjfkdl#man i barely ate today too so im just... really not doing well at this very moment fjfkdl#i cant eat anything rn though bc i already brushed my teeth and i dont want to do that again tonight fjfkdl#but i am. so hungry. augh. idk what I'd even eat anyways im too anxious to stomach anything#WHERE IS THIS SPIDER. WHY DID IT CHOOSE MY BED TO BE IN 😭#im in bed so often ... it should avoid places where ppl are ....#i feel like such shit rn fjdkdl i just rly wish i didnt have to deal w all these bugs#in the past month I've had a couple spiders and Several(!) weevils and a centipede and a clicker beetle and a couple earwigs#im just so tired of bugs i rly am fjfkdl idk why they choose to come inside and idk HOW they're getting inside#i hate living in a basement!!#i just want to sleep so i dont have to deal w being awake for a while fjdkls but now im all freaked out#i want to curl into a little ball and blink out of existence I'll be so honest rn. im just. idk.#✨ I don't think I have a place in society ✨ i am not a good enough person to exist in the world ✨#i dont want to go to sleep bc what if the spider comes back fjfkdl i wish i would've found it so i could've trapped it#and then let it outside tomorrow! i wouldnt have even killed it. the universe should've given me that one bc im so niceys#unfortunately the universe doesnt play nice w me fjfksl#spider tw
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#its crazy how much easier it is to do things when youre not completely miserable lol#this past week has been weird bc ive felt really really good and like normal in a way thats kinds unfathomable#im hoping its the medication but my mood was already on an upward tilt and i was told it would take like 6 weeks for the meds to work#property but like ive been sleeping way more than usual. and by that i literally just mean 8hrs a night lol which is weird for me#like that never ever ever happens multiple days in a row. so idk. when i feel better it makes the 0cd way easier to manage as well#and im just generally not as anxious. on the more worrisome side i kinda just give less of a fuck so like i have an exam im not ready for#Tuesday and im just kinda like hm fuck that lol. ill go thru lil fluctuations of having a lot of energy too#like: i could run around in circles rn. i dont have to but i could. like yesterday i was out with friends and i was like bouncing up and#down while standing and rocking from side to side while sitting. which i kinda do anyway while in crowds but it was more to expend energy#last night i also got like 5hrs of sleep. so like maaaaybe ive been on the bleeding edge of mood elevation but for the most part it just#feels good and not destructive. like if i felt like this all the time that would b fantastic. its like oh so this is y ppl dont long to b#put out of their misery lol. depression? who? i dont kno her. sounds fake. but as soon as i fucking say that ill b fucking slapped back#down to earth. ugh. annoying. no emotional object permanence. i hope its the meds. if this is the person i am under layers of misery then#that is fucking so insane. we shall see. im curious to hear what the psychiatrist thinks of my brain when i follow up with her#i gave her my full dys1exia assessment which gives a pretty good picture of how my head functions. oh fuck i bet i would do waaaayyy better#on thise test if i took it in this state of mind. but anyway she has that on top of like 3 assessment sheets i filled out#dispite everything i still want someone to categorize me into a discreet box. tell me doc. am i really bip0lar? really really?#ur sure??? like 1000% sure bc my brain wont let me accept that unless its beyond a reasonable doubt. i just doesn't seem that serious.#i mean. it is but like ya kno. its not that bad. ay. this glob of mush behind my eyes runs me in circles#but for now thats ok bc i feel like i could run up a mountain or punch someone in the face lol#unrelated
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kinda fallen down a caffeine dependency spiral or whatever u call it ...
#my anxiety is thru the roof & i jus need to get through the day so im drinking so much coffee n tea and then at night im still anxious but#too wired so i sleep sooo late then i wake up the next day exhausted from the lack of sleep so i go on and drink so much caffeine thru the#day bc i literally cant afford to rest rn#my body is really feeling it now but. it is what it is i guess#i just need to deal with 2 more weeks of this then i can rest#*
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#i havent seen my best friend in person in 3 years (bc of covid)#but im seeing them tomorrow!!!!!#i am so nervous!!!!!!#what if they think im stupid and ugly and annoying now#also i have to be up so early but im too anxious to sleep#AND we're going to a con so im gonna be so overstimulated all day#this is why i always cancel at thr last minute#but!#i will preserver!#okay im gonna try my best to sleep#i love you all
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emailing all of my meetings tmr like sorry to cancel last minute but i cut my finger and then legally had to spend the rest of the night googling "when to go to urgent care for cut finger still bleeding???" and having a low-grade panic attack instead of prepping for this advising session
#cw injury#sorry that i get so freaked out by finger injuries that it makes me feel like im about to die do u still think im a good med student 🥺👉👈#tbh this is fascinating to me bc like 6 years ago i also split my nail playing piano and like....didnt even care lol. i didnt notice until#was literally bleeding on the keys#and now all my trauma manifests in finger-related ways lol. the body keeps the score Or Whatever#truly throwback 2 the last time i ripped off part of a nail and then didnt sleep that entire night bc i was too anxious lol#anyways. back 2 elevating my hand and deep breathing thru my readings :)
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hi update still having an absolutely terrible time
#purrs#ive had a headache for 2 days and had an anxiety attack at 5am this morning ♥️ and also there is more drama. i feel so bad about it but i#literally wish i was home and this was over so bad. im not eating well im not sleeping well. and i haven’t had a moment in which i wasn’t#stressed or anxious about this program for literal weeks and i think after 4 long days of running around taking care of people and not#having a moment to take care of myself it just caught up with me this morning and it was so terrifying and i couldn’t reach out to anyone#becaus it was 5am but i needed a hug or to go home. and the anxiety attack passed i got through it alone but im still not okay and shaken up#i couldn’t catch my breath and my heart was pounding and my head was spinning and hurt so fucking bad and i just couldn’t exist#ive gotten sporadic sleep and markya got me vegetablrs (if you read this thank you markya) and im about to eat them now but im still so#n*useous and jittery and my heart hurts. idk how long it’s going to take me to heal from this and i don’t even have time and i don’t know#why everything feels like it’s crashing down on me this week but i feel so frightened and alone and inadequate and helpless#delete later#we go home tomorrow and i know it’s going to be chaotic then too and we have a lot more facilitation to do and a meeting with the leaders#tonight and after learning so much more about why they have hard feelings towards us i just want to run away. and last night we had a#community reflection and i had to give my part to someone else bc i just couldn’t do it. lol
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made some choices that will most certainly NOT affect my sleep. nosiree
#d speaks#it will...it will. bc now im too anxious to sleep and also ive latched onto some. thoughts#yaaaaaaaay
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#ok im not gonna let myself complain abt it too much. even if complaining is very cathartic to me. like its just part of the process#anyway im gonna try to not do that....#but yeah i hate being ill and in pain. it's like a veil is pulled over myeyes and the entire world gets so dark and scary#idk how to explain i just feel so alone and so anxious and so unhappy#my experience with healthcare is sadly that treatment never helps and nothing gets better#so that's why i always get kinda depressed when something like this happens#the doctor suspects it is gallstones. and i got those rectal pills skskks that i'll try for the pain#then i just need to wait to get an ultra sound scan so they can check for gallstones. then i dont know#i was too stressed to ask her abt diet and such but im reading online and im like?? idk what im supposed to eat#that pain is just fkn awful and im so scared of triggering it#esp bc i dont fkn know how to put a pill up my ass that stresses me out even more#if i had an ordinary life i.e a job and friends and such it's easier to handle these things. but when u feel vulnerable nd scared it makes#it sm worse.....#and im so fkn stressed abt school now!!!! how am i supposed to sit and class when im in pain???? and barely sleeping#yeah idk. i need to find a way to get thru this ksksks :(((((#maybe im over dramatic or smth. i prob am. but i cant describe it im just in sm pain and im scared and confused and stressed af#i also have no idea how long this will last or if i can start eating normally and when i can start going for my walks again#like will this not pass until they remove the potential gallstone or what??#i hate this pain sm it hurts so bad i dont know how long i'll be able to endure it#im also getting closer to a depression so.. idk im just not ok rn ksks
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gave in and started watching. the cartoon i was really into when i was like 15-16. weird nostalgia times in here rn.
#should go to sleep now bc. need to get up early tmrw#gonna be out al ll day.. going to the theathwr!! dont think ive been since before the pandie began#so ughhh anxious bc of that too#a whole day in unfamiliar places uhhh#ohhhh yea im an adult why do you ask. i leave the house all the tiem#i leave the town all the time. totally. yeah.#wish we were going by train ngl. i miss trains. sometiems i see them pass and wish i could just get on board and go anywhere#traisn are neat#yeha#half asleep rambles dont mind me
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nothing worse than googling symptoms you instinctively know are probably reason alone to contact a doctor asap hoping that google will tell you you're fine but then google tells u to contact a doctor asap :|
#text#have been awake since 4 waiting for the doctors surgery to open bc im too anxious to sleep even though i know its probably fine :((#when will my series of more-than-minor but not-quite-serious medical ailments finally end#the nhs page (which normally is v reassuring) had a red banner like#!!!!!!!! If you are experiencing X call 111 NOW !!!!!!!
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its so crazy
#oops im rambling#i feel like im way more depressed now#than when i was literally suicidal#like i literally dont do anything#but lay in bed all day#i dont have interest in anything really#and now im feeling anxious bc im returning to work soon#idk i literally feel like im worse than i was back then#bc its like. now i dont even have the will to try and kms#ik its way too hard for me to do but i cant#ah wait. its after sunset#the anxiousness started tonight#but the other stuff is ongoing#like i dont even feel like laughing or smiling#i feel like i cant stand to be around my family even more than before#except my grandma <3#okay its fully 2am and i cant sleep at all#im wide awake#but sleep will come for me eventually
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#uuuuummmmmm hypomania? bitch what? like huh? huh?????????#fucking hello???? like that's fucking like clearing whats happening at this moment#like i mean. im still grounded but like high energy. notably elevated mood. deminished need for sleep. im like fucking on right now#and but like i really really should not b. like hello?#but like its weird bc like what does that mean? like it happens every so often like too much energy that feels unhinged#but like it doesnt really affect my life too much it just feels kinda wild and upsetting to me bc its like not in control#but like i mean right now this is notable with respect to what i normally experience. like energy higher and mood higher than normal#like its midnight and im not even a little tired after having a fucking week like what???#not looking forward to when this breaks and i crash. but like whats the pattern her? how long has this been happening?#im gonna have to start tracking my mood bc idk i feel like im noticing it more now. like i dont remember this happening always cyclically#and like in the past it usually lasts like a day or ill have a few days where im like high energy but also fried and kinda up and down#but like im not going like full on way way high for long periods of time. but its hard to tell bc i have so much emotional dissonance#like ill have this like frantic energy while im standing completely still and i wanna grin in an unhinged way but its black static down#thr middle. so its like am i happy? and i depressed? fucking idk. im usually mostly depressed i think as a product of being so anxious all#the time. i don't usually go super low out of nowhere. i mean. i think its more linked to hormore stuff but i also think this is as well#idk its weird just. thoughts. i should start tracking my mood and ya kno also probably talk to a doctor#but like im about to lose my parents health care as i turn 26 and also fucking atrocious executive function#issues. like. it feels like my brain has holes in it. or i heard my lab mate say she was worried she had a brain tumor#bc its just like. something is not functional in the way its supposrd to be. ya kno? but like its fine#i mean. its not fine but like its fine#sigh. god im gonna forget to track this shit. like im already like my braun is disintegrating in my skull#can i pls be exused from being an adult while i have some sort of episode lol. but like idk#itll b fine. ive got a level head and an analytical brain and big control issues so i can keep myself on the rails#dispite the trashfire haha. ugh wtf do i do tonight tho. lay here abd try to sleep i guess#hope the mood stays up tomorrow so i dont like collapse into a puddle#ay ay ay. interesting. very interesting#im like a commit pinging around. a pinball bounding of those little pin thingys. ill meet with my boss Tuesday like yooooooo#idk if u havent clearly noticed but ive been a bit ya kno emotionally#unstable ✌️ or maybe ill b back to my normal sad sack self by then lol. idk weird vibes. real weird vibes but good 4 now#unrelated
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love being so depressed and burnt out i make everything in my life worse. really just butters my muffin
#i skipped class which was a horrible idea and im going to lose so many points but i just. i CANT go im just upset all the time and tired#i spend all day on my phone because i dont have the energy to do anything else and then all my work isnt done and i get anxious and#MORE upset and then i have to email profs and that makes it worse and then im still too burnt out to do the assignments so i just.#fuck im just in such a hole right now and i cant fucking get out of it#i wish i could just sleep all day and every day. i wish i was dead and i had no responsibilities or work or stressors#bc i clearly cant handle any of it !#side note whats the actual phrase i know its not butters my muffin but i cannot care enough to look it up#jace.txt
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HELP HFSJFKSJFJS
6.3 is. rlly indeed closer than i think 🥺🥹
#🌙.rambles#tag later#[ ffxiv. ]#i am indeed v excited but also super anxious#moogle treasure trove nice though#i don't have either of the emotes here yet so that's nice#ALBINO KARAKUL 🥺 I WANT THAT MOUNT#i jusr woke up from a nap a bit ago#im ao sleepy#wtf mt alarm ar 3 rlly didnt wake me up again? 😭😭#i rlly wna sleep zz#IM RLLY EXCITED FOR 6.3 BUT I NEED TO CATCH UP ON STUFF#hopefully before 6.4 i wna start raiding again w friends hopefully#hopefully too w. yeah we can make the fc 12/7 fr :<<#aww we're gna have to leave our current fc by tmrrw.. i wanted to at least make a friend before i leave#maybe i can make an alt on ravana. n i cld join the other fc i was thinking of joining bcs of those nice ppl in pf#yk what i'm rambling more now that i'm editing this after not feeling like collapsing due to lack of sleep#but.. AGH I MISS RAIDING SO MUCH 🥹
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#delete later#too anxious to sleep. which sucks bc i was having a decent brain weekend after the migraine debacle#but nothing to be done. i just hate being in limbo so much. i wanted to look at applying to that other job but changing#jobs AND moving at the same time is a real bad financial idea. especially if I'll need to move alone. its no ones fault#just shitty timing. so now im super anxious. idk whether to check that job out anyway. it would certainly improve things if#i could get a better wage. but its not gonna be in time so whats the point ya know. i hate unknown. im just super tired#i keep putting off getting a therapist until i know i can budget it but at this rate that may be never so maybe i just do it now#bc my level of functioning is not great and maybe i can get help. im just so tired all the time.#theres also a lil bit of frustration that if i do move out alone it will be somewhere shittier. like it just will be. and i wanted to#be in a less shitty place. but at the same time yeah it makes sense and is fine and rhe warning is good. just the news sucks.#but it is what it is. and I'll live with it. its no ones fault shit just sucks sometimes. but im being dramatic. no one knows the future#but at the same time i need to process abd be alright with worst case#i cant do a house share again. i can't. so it'll need to be a studio so I'll probably end up in kent which is fine#one upside would be that itd be way easier if i wanted to have a Hot Boy Winter or whatever. fuck yeah.#its fine ill chill out. im just in the processing phase and that Always Sucks#maybe i could get a beetle. or a rat. the possibilities are endless
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