#obviously she’s traumatized. so it makes sense she’s not gonna react to anyone.

[lunar-years]

6 little nuggets line was even worse the second time I’ll tell you that….

[pla-teau]

WANDAVISION EPISODE 6 THOUGHTS

SPOILERS AHEAD. YOU’VE BEEN WARNED!

GOOD GOD I HAVE A LOT OF THOUGHTS

GIF NOT MINE

pietro maximoff as ‘himself’ | in the opening credits, pietro is introduced as playing himself? this just made me more suspicious about him and who he really is. it’s like wanda (since she’s the one broadcasting her show) trying to convince us, and herself, that this is her dead brother.

billy talking to us | i know tommy talks to the camera at the beginning for a brief minute but it’s mainly billy talking. i think this was a hint at his incoming powers. plus, in promo trailers for the ‘modern family’ episode, wanda’s the one talking to the camera. i bet we’ll see the kids talk to the camera in that episode but i just find it interesting that billy’s the one leading us through the beginning of the episode. plus, in rewatching the episode, pietro seems to be aware of billy talking to us and reacts to when billy talks about vision and wanda’s relationship going through a rough patch.

haydick hayward’s an ass | there’s no denying that hayward has something up his suspicious ass. first with showing the footage of wanda stealing vision’s body. then, putting in a missile and planning on killing wanda. yea, the five years were hard for everyone - no one’s denying it but there’s just something that isn’t right. we clearly see that he’s hiding something when darcy finds a file of sorts that only hayward can see and that he’s been able to track vision without telling the team. either he’s got a personal vendetta or he’s covering for something more sinister. personally, i think he’s just pissed that wanda, one of the most powerful beings in the universe, took away vision’s body when he needed it to create more weapons and whatever else he was planning. i wanted monica to punch him in the throat when he told her it was better that she wasn’t around when her mom died. bless monica for keeping her cool.

wanda’s interaction with herb | their brief interaction makes me believe that herb is just as aware as agnes (if she happens to be a victim in all this and not agatha harkness) about what’s happening. we got a hint about it in episode 3 when he tried to tell vision what geraldine’s purpose in westview was. we see him mimic agnes from the previous episode when he asks wanda if there’s anything she wants changed. he looks to her the same way agnes did when she was thrown off script. both these times involve vision throwing everything off. vision’s the one that’s been off script from the beginning of the episode this time around instead of after a weird event.

residents being in a loop or immobile | as vision gets farther from wanda and explores westview, it’s evident that there’s something off about the people. we get that shot of the woman and presumably her husband stuck in a time loop of hanging decorations and putting a pumpkin on the front steps. the woman not only sheds a tear but her hands look purplish presumably because of the cold or being stuck doing the same task for god knows how long. clearly, the woman’s in pain and is aware that she can’t break free. as vision gets closer to the loop, residents are completely immobile and stuck wherever they stand. it’s eerie and further proves that this may be wanda’s doing and wherever she is, it’s easy for the residents to be active or for her to control those near her. it could also mean that the closer you are to the hex’s border, that you become immobile as you’re farther removed from the fantasy life wanda has created.

yo-magic commercial | by far the creepiest and most disturbing commercial in the series. i’ve seen people theorize that this commercial is referring to wanda’s detainment on the raft in civil war. it would make sense since the yogurt could represent wanda’s powers and opening the lid should be simple and easy, just like using your powers. on the raft, wanda was detained with a straitjacket and a collar on her neck so she couldn’t use her magic. the island could represent the raft since it was in the ocean. ‘yo-magic, the snack for survivors’ could represent wanda being a survivor in many instances: strücker’s experiments, the battle of sokovia and the lagos incident.

pietro’s ‘part’ | when wanda questions pietro, he gets defensive about how he’s just trying to do his part: come unexpectedly, create tension with vision, stir up trouble with the twins, and ultimately give wanda grief. grief holding a double meaning. obviously, pietro did bring wanda grief when he died in 2015 but it also means to cause trouble which he has done since his arrival to westview. whenever wanda questions him about their childhood or tries to trip him up, pietro retorts with a question or makes rather meta remarks about westview.

the details are fuzzy | the comment pietro makes after a moment of silence between them. he claims he got shot in the middle of the street and next thing he knew wanda was calling her. i think when ‘pietro’ was brought into the westview reality, his memories mixed with those of wanda’s pietro or skewed them at least - it’s probably why things seem hazy to him and can see that wanda doesn’t believe him to be the pietro she remembers. pietro knows he looks different to wanda and it’s like a comment to us because even though pietro only appeared in one movie with wanda - we the audience know he’s not the same actor. this could also be mephisto really mind tripping wanda because she would remember what her brother looked like but the memories are remembered differently. enough to keep her on edge with him and make her suspect but not want to because he also says “i knew you needed me” no stranger would say that right? of course, siblings and family can tell when another member needs them. this episode really makes you laugh at pietro’s antics but go down a rabbit hole with every line he says.

the hex’s effects on people | when darcy explains to monica that her cells have been greatly affected by her entrance and departure from the hex, it doesn’t seem like monica is surprised. maybe this is hinting that monica already has her powers or simply mean that she’s putting on a poker face to hide her fear (or astonishment) at wanda’s level of power. it’s interesting to see if wanda’s gonna be responsible for birthing some mutants or at least awakening the x gene if it hasn’t already. does it mean that anyone can simply leave or that if you leave, you’ll come out with serious side effects that are possibly life threatening? monica states at the end that she’s seen cells in remission which makes me believe that this is hinting at the x gene. we’ve seen what the hex does once you go in, but what happens if an ordinary westview resident leaves?

agnes and vision | we see agnes in her car supposedly leaving town or as she claims, she got ‘lost’. when vision takes her out of her trance, agnes seems shaken and even questions if she’s dead. she also seems to confirm that wanda is the one controlling everyone because she doesn’t even let them think about leaving westview. we see more of where vision’s memory stands because he doesn’t remember (or know) that he was an avenger and that he died (twice). when she says that all is lost, she quickly starts laughing maniacally like a witch. this again makes me think that agnes knows more than anyone what’s going on. assessing what she got from vision, she’s probably laughing because it’s amazing to her that wanda’s gotten so powerful and maybe everything is going according to plan - she just possibly couldn’t overcome wanda’s control and only has a heightened awareness of the situation. there’s no mention of ralph this episode and you would think she’d bring along her husband to leave and go to her desired destination in town. i don’t know, i still think she’s got an ulterior motive and plays a bigger part in all of this.

the twins’ conversation | after sharing a sweet moment, pietro quickly calls out the obvious - the kids. only in episode 3 did children finally come into the show through billy and tommy. now, for halloween, all the kids are out and enjoying halloween. pietro, like rapid fire, remarks that wanda probably kept them peacefully asleep in their beds and didn’t wake them until now for the “occasional holiday episode cameo” so as not to traumatize them even more since she’s always been the “empathetic twin”. he seems to know that this is all in a television reality which gives him even more awareness than any other supporting character we’ve met so far. he even goes into assessing (and somewhat praising?) wanda’s handling of this whole westview reality as ethically possible. he knows that wanda wouldn’t rewrite everything: couples and families stay together and personalities aren’t far off from what they are. with this, it heavily hints that this isn’t the pietro we’ve known in the mcu or the peter from the x-men universe. to me, this furthers the point that this ‘pietro’ is just a puppet for whoever is behind all this (or just a multiverse version of piet) since he seems more impressed than anything by wanda’s powers. also, he’s been the only one to ask what we’ve all been thinking since the first episode: how the hell did wanda do this? once again, wanda doesn’t remember how all of it started which still makes me thinks she was probably taken advantage of by someone and earlier in the episode when recounting a childhood memory, pietro comments that she’s probably suppressed the trauma hence why she doesn’t remember it the same way. at the end, this could all be wanda’s doing due to her feeling so alone and grieving that she may have suppressed that memory of how this all started.

pietro’s corpse | again, us the audience and wanda are reminded that this universe’s pietro is dead. it’s another person closest to wanda that isn’t alive - harking back to her comment about feeling so alone and endless nothingness. this may just be that when wanda lets her guard down and is possibly at peace with a situation, this one being of her accepting that this is the pietro that’s going to be her brother that sticks with her moving forward, she’s reminded of the truth - none of it is real and she can’t bring them back.

vision’s breakout from the hex | as we’ve seen in promos, vision is able to break through the hex. what we were hit with was vision nearly getting killed...again. it seems that he can’t live beyond the hex either due to him just being parts when wanda recovered him or because wanda won’t let him go. either way, vision can’t live outside of westview. it physically seems like wanda can’t let him go because as he steps out of the hex and is being torn apart, the hex looks like it’s trying to pull him back into it. i know the hex was wanda’s doing but this physically makes it seem as if wanda can’t let him go and is holding him back. it’s kind of true because since vision became more aware, he’s been breaking away from wanda and she’s been trying to keep him in place and on script so that they can be happy together. in their fight in the previous episode, she says that all of this is for them as to say that everything she’s doing is for their happiness. it’s a twisted way of showing how vision can’t live without wanda since it seems that she’s the one keeping him alive.

wanda expanding the hex | wanda’s clearly gotten more powerful over the years and this episode really shows us how fucking powerful she is on her own. it’s hysterical that the base and the most of the agents are turned into circus acts such as clowns. i’ll admit i’m upset darcy got sucked in and not hayward. i’m very interested to see who monica’s guy on the outside is. with wanda expanding the hex, it’s becoming more evident that wanda may be the ‘villain’ of the show or if there is someone else behind all of this, we may not see them until multiverse of madness. still, i believe wanda is victim in some capacity - even if it means she’s fallen victim to her trauma and grief.

[mammonsvulva]

Hi there! I just discovered your page and i loved the bachata headcannon!

On that same line, can you do a female latina headcannon? Like, more specifically, Colombian, you know, an MC that's like normally fluent in english but when mad she just burst on angry spanish screaming session with latin curses and a strong accent and also just getting really mad if deemed as Mexican by default? I'd love that! Thank youuuu (also feel free to ignored this if it's not of your fancy)

I hope you have a great day!

Of course! I really hope you like it! :)

(I tried to incorporate things some of my relatives say as Colombians please don’t hate me🥲)

The Brothers + Datables and a Latina MC with Colombian Habits

Lucifer❤️

Lucifer has always been amused by the boldness MC portrayed, that is until Mammon pissed her off

MC actually f*cking explodes, calling Mammon “culicagao” (like a bratty kid) and a bunch of profanities out of rage

Actually leaves Lucifer surprised, who could she hate so much that she’d put a curse on them?

Is actually kind of scared to speak up after she went silent, kinda just stares at her like “what the fuck do I do”

“I’ve told Mammon A THOUSAND TIMES. IM NOT F*CKING MEXICAN”

(Oooohh Mammons gonna get his ASS WHOOPED)

“MAAAAAAMMMMOOOOONNN????”

Mammon💛

Could learn a thing or two from MC, had some strong clap backs

Is counting his money when OUT OF NOWHERE MC just starts incanting a literal curse

Literally has his quaking in his boots dude, like he’s genuinely terrified

He can’t keep up with anything she’s saying and feels like his time to die has come

Doesn’t say A WORD when she calms down, jumps when she starts apologizing for reacting like that

“W-w-what happened? ( ⚆ _ ⚆ )”

“I LOST 10 GRAND IN BLACK JACK! ITS FUCKING RIGGED!”

Is genuinely more cautious for a while, kind of traumatized him

Mammon thought it’d be a great Idea to take her to meet one of his witches, MC already didn’t like her but listen to this

First thing the witch said was “Aren’t you that Mexican transfer student or whatever?”

(‘Oooh Ms. Girl you fucked up’)

Leviathan💙

Wishes he could have MCs confidence, ‘how does she respond like that 0•0’

He’s reading Manga while MC just lost on the same level for the 5th time

Accidentally shifts to his demon for he got so scared

Has to whip his tail up and grab the controller before she could slam it, genuinely terrified for his well being

Once she calms down she goes to give him a hug, to help with her frustration

*PANICS* “I-I can h-help you with that level, if y-you want..”

MC watches as he beats it with ease and heaves a sigh of relief, literally such a stupid game

Gets just as offended as MC when somebody said “I went to Mexico on vacation once, what was it like growing up there?”

Will let her handle it and he’ll be her Moral Support <3

Satan💚

Loved that MC was always ready, he was like that too being the Avatar of Wrath

Is genuinely amused when MC burst out swearing because she got a bad grade, he actually thought it was hilarious

Thinks of like a game to keep up with everything she’s shouting, makes her more upset

“What the fuck are you laughing at juemadre de la-“

“You’re Hot when you’re mad, Did you know that?”

Makes her go silent immediately, why is he like this, making people wanna act up on DIAVOLO

When they’re BOTH mad at something it’s like a f*cking BOMB RAID bro

They both just keep adding more, even when Satans speaking a Demon Dialect and MC is speaking Spanish LMAOO

When an arrogant soul decides to purposely mislabel MC as Mexican, the fool needs to count his seconds with MC and Satan both getting on his ass

Asmodeus💞

Has always liked the spunk MC had, it entertained him to watch her bicker with his brothers

Surprised, but not happy AT ALL with the fact that MC could blow up like that

Gets on MC for lashing out, “MC! THIS IS TERRIBLE FOR YOUR SKIN, DO YOU WANT WRINKLES?”

Gets MC to tell him what made her loose her cool like that

“That stupid b*tch from class posted saying “That Mexican transfer student isn’t pretty enough to be this annoying”

Almost explodes as bad as MC did

“MS. GIRL SHE SAID WHAT? Lemme hop on Devilgram and end her career real quick💖”

Devilgram post- Asmodeus 19:34: “Aw sweetie, Not everybody can be as gorgeous as MC and muah, but don’t go trying to drag her in the dirt with you. Filthy🥱”

No mercy on the haters💔

Beelzebub🧡

Like Asmo, found it entertaining to see MC bicker with his brothers every now and then

MC just couldn’t keep calm anymore when she messed up the recipe she was working on AGAIN

Beel becomes more concerned than scared, ‘Is she ok? :(‘

Gets up to hug MC, hoping it’ll help calm her down a bit

She explains that she kept ruining the dessert no matter how hard she tried

“MC, it’s ok to do it wrong, because it helps you learn how to do it right :)”

She’s tried again, except this time with Beel to help her :)

Gets upset when someone defaults MC as Mexican, knowing how much she hates it

He may be a teddy bear but man don’t f*ck with his Chef

Belphegor💜

Thought MC was amusing with the way she made sure everyone knew she wouldn’t take any BS

MC just happened to stub her toe while Belphie was sleeping, and now he’s awake, and heated

“What the f*ck happened?”

Is actually more concerned than upset, she wouldn’t lash out like that for no reason

When MC explains that a picture of her in the RAD Catalog still ended up being there even though she made it clear she was against it

“Oh, MC- you look good in every photo, I wouldn’t be upset about it”

Assures her it’s not a big deal and then invites her to come take a nap with him

Will mean mug the f*ck out of anyone who assumes MC is Mexican, because he finds extremely disrespectful (as it is)

Might commit homicide if they keep saying Mexican but I ain’t no snitch

+

Diavolo♥️

At first took MC as disrespectful, but learned it was only when she felt she was being disrespected (then by all means, go off)

Surprisingly, Diavolo speaks Spanish, but he still kind of struggles to keep up

He’s just laughing the whole time too, like MC isn’t furious

Later, MC calmly explains just some random student pissed her off again

“Who is this student you say? Do I need to have a chat with them as the Demon Lord of The Devildom? :)?”

Dia actually admires how passionate MC is about her home country, agrees that it’s disrespectful to mislabel someone

Because he can, Dia starts to learn about Colombian culture and throwing parties just for MC

Starts saying shit like “politas pa la rumba!” (I’ll buy beers for everyone¿) just to sound cool to MC

Barbatos💟

Barb doesn’t understand how someone could be so beautiful but so hostile sometimes, overall doesn’t really mind though

Is surprised that such things could conde from MC, kind of chuckles thinking about it

He figured he should try and step in to calm the situation

“Is there anything I can do to ease you, MC?”

It ended up being that Diavolo was completely ignoring her and brushing her aside when he never did that with Solomon

Asks if she’d like him to talk to Dia about it, since he may approach it better than she will

Barb will quietly correct anybody who believes her to be Mexican, just so MC won’t have to deal with their arrogance herself

Takes his free time and makes dishes from Colombia, or Colombian themed cookies or cupcakes to make MC happy :)

Simeon🤍

Is trying to teach MC better ways to respond to idiots, more Angelic ways

When MC blows up for the first time in front of him, the literal shock she sent him into omfg

*GASP* “MC?! WHY ARE YOU SAYING SUCH VILE THINGS?”

Like, HELLOOO? SHE DARES TO SAY SUCH THINGS IN AN ANGELS PRESENCE?

Helps to calm her down after showing distaste for her words

“You’re lips are to beautiful to speak such sinful things”

Will go on to give MC a long but kind lecture about why exploding like that is bad for her Aura and whatever

Will politely make it known that someone was wrong for assuming MC is Mexican, does get a bit irritated though

He now goes up to MC when she’s getting upset, to remind her to breathe and comfort her with a deep hug :)

“See? It’s ok MC~ just breathe in and out for me, ok? :)”

Solomon⚛️

Will piss MC off on purpose just to see her pop off, he LOVES it

Literally her #1 cheerleader when she blows up, adding on to what she’s upset about

“Period MC” “No way she said that! What a fugly b*tch” “Right, she’s just a hater”

Hypes her up all the time, even when she’s obviously in the wrong

Sol needs ALL the tea, pulls up like “who we talking shit about?”

Will get on someone’s ass just because, now think about when someone mislabels MC😳💥

Gives MC a sense of pride hearing him say “Cagué” when he messes up a potion, he obviously picked that up from her

Luke⛅️

Gets kinda (really) scared when MC becomes a little aggressive

Actually bursts out crying because he was scared MC was mas at him

MC traumatized this kid so bad, he ran to Simeon like he was getting chased be some demons

“M-m-mom is really m-mad and *sobs* I’m s-scared *sobs more*”

MC IMMEDIATELY feels super bad because she scared away his soul

Simeon, having talked to her about it already, mouthed “Apologize now.” In a very not polite manner, kinda scaring MC too🚫🧢

Has MC apologizing PROFUSELY, trying to explain it wasn’t Luke’s fault

Once he calms down, they go to bake cookies like usual, except this time he’s sniffing the whole time :( 💔

I really hope this fit what you asked for :( </3

[alirhi]

This is oddly fun lol

Let's see how many of these I can churn out before I get distracted or need a break! (pff. like I need an excuse to watch the show again. Despite its flaws, I really, really love TFATWS, guys)

Without further ado, let's get down to it!

Episode 2: The Star-Spangled Man

I'm pretty sure I'm on record when it comes to my undying hate for John Walker, yes? So obviously, Bucky's grumpiness 100% stays 😂

I'm not really a fan of how much emphasis they put on the shield. I can see it as a catalyst for Bucky to go confront Sam, yes, but he wouldn't keep going "shield shield shield" like a broken record. Bucky has consistently been shown to be an empathetic man. I can't believe for a second that he'd be barking at Sam about having no right to give up the shield; he'd ask why. Sam's got shit to do, so he'd get impatient and not answer.

"Why'd you give up so easily? If you were overwhelmed, I could've helped you-" "You've been ignoring me. Like now, how you're ignoring me walking away from you." "Well, you weren't texting me about this." "You think I needed your permission?!" "No, but I was right there with Steve while he was learning what it meant to be Cap. I wouldn't mind helping you get used to-" "Then go teach him." A vague gesture toward the "Cap is back" posters. Bucky makes a face. "Steve passed the mantle to you. You fought with him. You earned it. That little shit didn't." "What do you want me to do about it?" "Just tell me why, Sam. I mean it. I just wanna understand." "Not now, Buck. I've got shit to do. You see me heading for a plane right now, right?" "This is important!" "So is this." Sam tells him about the Flag Smashers, we get our silly Big Three/Gandalf conversation.

I'm sorry, but that whole jumping from the plane scene is funny as hell, and I love all the nods they added in to jokes from the press tours that brought us this show in the first place (like ripping the sleeve off his jacket lol). I don't think I'd change a single thing from the Big Three convo to Bucky joining Sam in the warehouse.

"You're doing the staring thing again." "You're staring at your watch," Bucky points out. He knows it's linked to Redwing, he's just pointing out how dumb that line is in that situation. They're there for recon lol. They're meant to be looking around.

I don't...particularly care about the other common gripe here? Meaning, "Bucky's a civilian, so why is he allowed to randomly jump in on a military mission?" Bucky's also known in this universe as an Avenger, just like Sam, so I don't think anyone would really bat an eye at him joining. Also, I have my own agenda related to Bucky's apparent freedom to walk in and out of military/government things.

What does bug me (as funny as it is) is Bucky's animosity toward Redwing. Again... Bucky is a certified nerd. Always has been. If anything, he'd be fascinated by Redwing and Sam would constantly have to slap him away because he's leaning in too close trying to see the tiny watch monitor. "I don't trust Redwing" is just old man griping "I don't trust your newfangled technology" and that... that's not Bucky.

And that "we're not assassins" dig, and then laughing when Bucky gets upset? That's not Sam. Both of these men have shown a remarkable amount of empathy, and Sam has a background in helping traumatized vets. If he cared enough about Bucky to be texting him after Steve left, he'd care enough not to make callous jokes about his time as The Winter Soldier, whether he knows the full story or not.

The fight on top of moving trucks looks cool, but makes no logical sense. I keep trying to think of a way to explain this from a story perspective, rather than a lazy "it looks cool!" filmmaking one, and I'm coming up blank. Anyone with half a brain would have pulled over, had the fight, and then taken off. It was a fun sequence, though... Eh. I'll leave it.

When Karli breaks Redwing, Bucky doesn't say "I always wanted to do that." Again, it's funny - I love the jabs about that stupid robo bird XD - but not Bucky. In my version, he smirks and says "You're so gonna regret that."

"You were kinda getting your asses kicked before we got there." Is immediately followed by Bucky staring him down and asking, "And... how did that fight end for you?" Sam adds, "I don't see them in custody. Are-are they following in a van?" He looks around, sarcastically searching for another vehicle. Walker and Hoskins grimace at each other, grudgingly conceding that point.

credit to @dailycelebs

Seeing Walker, and having to listen to his stupid pro-government rhetoric, makes Bucky think about Steve. When we cut from the Flag Smashers back to Bucky and Sam and the closeup of Bucky's pensive face, we hear 1940s Steve angrily telling 1940s Bucky about how the higher ups in the army had already written off the POWs and were going to leave them to die. "I love our country, Buck," he laments, "but what do I do when I'm not too sure anymore about the people who run it?"

"What you always do," is young Bucky's answer, "stand for what's right, not who's in power."

Perfect lead-in to the conversation about handling things themselves.

When Sam meets Isaiah, and hears his story, not only is he horrified and heartsick for him, but he also begins to see Bucky in a new light. He's seeing Bucky's face, the way he tries to hide his emotions and not make this conversation about him, and he's putting things together. He's still upset at being out of the loop, but he's seeing more of the situation than just "omg black super soldier". When Bucky says "he'd already been through enough," Sam asks quietly, "like you?"

The racist cop comes back before Bucky can answer, to arrest him for missing his appointment with Raynor.

ngl guys, I was so moved by the difference in how that cop treated Sam (before knowing he's Important) vs how he treated Bucky (knowing that the government views him as a violent, if pardoned, criminal). He approaches Sam with his hand on his gun, eager to defend Bucky; "is this guy bothering you?" Just because they're having a heated conversation. Then, when he sees that there's a warrant for Bucky, he approaches timidly, apologizes, treats him gently and politely. By "moved," btw, I don't mean "it was so sweet." I mean "this is fucking sick, and very, very realistic." White cops see a white guy and treat him with respect regardless of his actual criminal record, while being openly hostile towards an innocent black man without even knowing who he is, just because he's black. Moments like this made me applaud Spellman.

"You, too, Sam - That wasn't a request" is Sam's first sign that there's something off about Raynor.

Look, again... The couples therapy banter is funny because Sebastian and Anthony are funny, but that scene, from a storytelling and a mental health standpoint, is atrocious. Without some underlying reason behind her actions, Raynor is just a pointlessly terrible therapist.

Rather than insulting Bucky from the outset, Sam is angry with Raynor for violating Bucky's privacy by not only introducing herself as his therapist, but forcing a "couples" session without her patient's consent. With his background pre-Avenging, he knows this shit shouldn't fly. He immediately points out how unprofessional she's being.

Raynor doesn't bother listening - the fuck does she care, really? She shrugs and casually admits it's "slightly unprofessional" but proceeds anyway.

"Whatever's eating at him?" Sam scoffs. "Did you really just say that to a WWII veteran and the world's longest-serving POW with complex PTSD? Did I hear that right? I've had, maybe, like five conversations with this man since we met, and even I know he's been through some shit and-" "Sam," Bucky tries to interrupt, looking uncomfortable. With his crushing guilt, he has an easier time dealing with insults than someone coming to his defense. "No," Sam snaps. "If the HIPAA Slayer over here wants to drag me into this, she's damn well gonna hear what I have to say!" He turns back to Raynor and demands, "Is this how you've been treating him this whole time? Downplaying what he's been through and making a grown-ass man sound like a sulking teenager?" Raynor keeps her cool, but barely. Visibly frustrated and annoyed, she ignores Sam's tirade and tries to force the conversation back onto the track she wants it on. Bucky's embarrassed and doesn't know how to react to any of this, so he still makes that little "he would talk less" jab. Sam, seeing that he's not going to get anywhere with him until they're away from this bitch, glowers and plays along. We get our silly/angry banter.

After their argument with Walker, Sam finally confronts Bucky about what really happened to him.

"He meant HYDRA; HYDRA used to be my people." "Were they?" Sam asks, stopping him and looking him in the eye, not letting him look away or deflect. "Steve was under the impression that they were your captors. I was under the impression that the Wakandans spent two years deprogramming you so no one could use you the way HYDRA did ever again." "I-" Startled, not expecting that, Bucky stutters a little and admits, "Yeah, I... That's true, I guess." "You guess?" "Does it matter? Sam rolls his eyes. "I dunno, does it matter that you were a slave for most of the 20th century?" "I doubt it matters much to my victims." "HYDRA's victims," Sam corrects firmly. "Just like you." Bucky fidgets; he doesn't know what to do or say. No one since Steve has even so much as insinuated that Bucky wasn't 100% culpable for what he did while under HYDRA control. "Look," Sam sighs, "I don't particularly like you. I don't hate you, but I'm not your biggest fan." "...Thanks?" "I just need you to know where I stand-" "Yeah, got it-" "-So you know I'm not biased like Steve when I say you had no choice. I don't know your story, but I know no one flips on a dime from docile and plagued with guilt to an unstoppable killing machine and back without some serious psychological damage behind that. I'm not saying you're an innocent little bunny, but I don't think you're a monster." "Thanks," Bucky croaks, more sincerely this time, and a bit choked up. He clears his throat and looks distinctly uncomfortable as he grumbles, "but to catch these guys, we may need to talk to a monster." Sam cringes. "I was afraid you'd say that."

[pruinesce-a2]

META: TODOROKI FUYUMI + COMPLEX PTSD.

this meta is gonna probably going to heavily reference child abuse and domestic abuse, so please don’t read if you’re vulnerable to those topics. i used a read more but i don’t think they’re working. ON TO THE META

complex ptsd ( c-ptsd ) generally develops as a result of chronic trauma, over months or years, most often experience throughout childhood; it’s rare ( but definitely not unheard of ! ) that it will develop in an adult, because, as the article i’m going to pick apart states,   “ when an adult experiences a traumatic event, they have more tools to understand what is happening to them, their place as a victim of that trauma, and know they should seek support even if they don't want to. children don't possess most of these skills, or even the ability to separate themselves from another's unconscionable actions. the psychological and developmental implications of that become complexly woven and spun into who that child believes themselves to be -- creating a messy web of core beliefs much harder to untangle than the flashbacks, nightmares and other posttraumatic symptoms that come later. ”

emotion regulation.   “ survivors with c-ptsd have a very difficult time with emotions -- experiencing them, controlling them, and for many, just being able to comprehend or label them accurately. many have unmanaged or persistent sadness, either explosive or inaccessible anger [...] they may be chronically numb, lack the appropriate affect in certain situations, be unable to triage sudden changes in emotional content [...] it's also very common for these survivors to re-experience emotions from trauma intrusively - particularly when triggered. these feelings are often disproportionate to the present situation, but are equal to the intensity of what was required of them at the time of a trauma -- also known as an emotional flashback. ”

the first things that stand out to me here: fuyumi easily fits the criteria of unmanaged or persistent sadness, but what really catches my eye is the concept of inaccessible anger. the boys very clearly fall under explosive anger, but fuyumi ... is seemingly never angry. it's a common point of contention in many posts i’ve seen about her; that she’s not reacting the way she should as a victim of abuse, that she “undermines” her brothers’ trauma by wanting to forgive her father. first of all i shouldn’t have to remind the fandom that she, too, is a victim of that abuse but it’s also entirely untrue that she’s disregarding her brothers because she even canonically identifies that she feels the same way they do - she identifies that yes, she is angry, yes, she understands they’re well within their rights to be so. but unlike them, this anger is ... far away. fuyumi, physically, emotionally, cannot bring that anger to the front. it’s frustrating for her, too. 

i also want to point out the last sentence in this point: emotional flashbacks + the phrase “ what was require of them at the time of a trauma. ” an important thing to note is that often times, throughout fuyumi’s experience with these events … she’s the level-headed one. she’s the calm one. she’s the one mediating. this isn’t a new behavior - in an effort to mitigate her father’s abuse, this calm, peaceful nature is what these traumatic events have required of her, and as such, when anything begins to show potential for going wrong, she reverts back to this behavior.

explosive anger + disproportionate intensities in a certain situation definitely apply to natsuo; see the way he gets so angry over seemingly minute comments. touya / dabi is just. all over the place w/ this one he’s in all of it

difficulty with self-perception.   “ in its simplest form, how they see themselves versus how the rest of the world does can be brutally different. some may feel they carry or actually embody nothing but shame and shameful acts - that they are "bad".  others believe themselves to be fundamentally helpless; they were let down by so many who could've stopped their abuse but didn't [...] many see themselves as responsible for what happened to them [...] and, countless others may feel defined by stigma, believe they are nothing more than their trauma, worry they're always in the way or a burden, or they may sense they're just completely and utterly different from anyone or anything around them - they are alien. startling as it is, all of these feelings and more can live inside someone whom, to you, seems like the most brilliant, competent, strong, and compassionate human being you know. ”

she holds herself partially responsible for her father’s abuse - this is ALSO outright stated as canon, as seen here and here. the idea of helplessness, and particular bringing in the idea of learned helplessness ( thank u  @/unsighty for pointing that out ) is ALSO very important to note here ... note in the shifuku page she says, “ i couldn’t do anything for shouto. ” both fuyumi AND natsuo also probably struggle with the idea of being a burden ( that neglect says hello ! ) / being in the way, too.

i also really like this note about how these feelings can be present in someone labeled “ brilliant, competent, strong, and compassionate ” ... because that’s exactly what fuyumi is seen as.

interruptions in consciousness.   “ some may forget traumatic events (even if they knew of them once before), relive them intrusively, recall traumatic material in a different chronological order, or other distressing experiences of what is called dissociation. dissociation is a symptom that exists on a spectrum, ranging anywhere from harmless daydreaming or temporarily "spacing out"; to more disruptive episodes of feeling disconnected from one's body or mental processes, not feeling real, or losing time; all the way to the most severe, which includes switching between self-states (or alters), as is seen in dissociative identity disorder. episodes of missing time can range anywhere from a few minutes, a couple days, or even large chunks of one's childhood. The larger gaps in time are typically only seen in did, but those with c-ptsd alone can still endure 'interruptions in consciousness' that result in memory gaps, poor recall, traumatic material that is completely inaccessible, or, conversely, re-experiencing trauma against their will (e.g. flashbacks, intrusive images, body memories, etc.). ”

while this is definitely a symptom we see more of in shouto ( my boy is dissociating 24/7 ) , fuyumi experiences it sometimes as well. memory gaps, poor recall, and particularly re-experiencing trauma applies to fuyumi here - i think by and large she deals with intrusive imagery; i.e., while she’s in the kitchen, if she hears shouto nearby, or sometimes if she hears the kettle whistling / crying on the tv, she gets a flood of memories of shouto and her mother on the floor in the kitchen.

i think dabi can definitely be HEAVILY attributed to the idea of these losses in time, disconnecttions and self-states - and like with fuyumi, he definitely experiences intrustive imagery. we see that here, i think.

difficulty with relationships.   “ this refers more to a survivor's potential to feel completely isolated from peers and not even knowing how to engage, to harboring an outright refusal to trust anyone (or just not knowing why they ever should), trusting people way too easily (including those who are dangerous, due to a dulled sense of alarm), perpetually searching for a rescuer or to do the rescuing, seeking out friends and partners who are hurtful or abusive because it's the only thing that feels familiar, or even abruptly abandoning relationships that are going well for any number of reasons. ”

fuyumi, first of all, definitely struggles to know how to engage with her peers. she’s outgoing and clearly a people person - so it’s often a question why she’s so nervous and struggles to make relationships and ... well. here’s why.

i don’t think fuyumi outright refuses to trust anyone, but there is intense hesitance and unsureness, particular for certain groups of people: men, people who are much taller & bigger than her, people who have some kind of fire affinity / ability, and people who are loud. the idea of perpetually searching for a rescuer, or to do the rescuing ... while typically you might think she falls under the former ( and i think she does, in a way. fuyumi never talks about her trauma, but her concept of love ties into this - someone who can take her away from her father, someone who has the power to do that? someone who is unafraid of him, or someone that he has no hold over? yeah. looking @ kenta n nishiki w this one ), fuyumi also searches to do the rescuing. once again i’m referencing this page - “ she became a teacher to compensate the fact that she couldn’t protect her younger brother. ”

i’m also pointing at the “dulled sense of alarm” - in my canon, fuyumi, for example, went out and put herself in the way of danger and met with less than savory contacts in an attempt to find information on dabi, once she got the inkling he might be touya.

obviously shouto and natsuo also have this urge to rescue, and dabi doesn’t trust anyone.

the perception of one's perpetrators.   “ this can be one of the most insidious battles for some survivors with c-ptsd -- even if it seems crystal clear to those on the outside. victims of such prolonged trauma may eventually surrender, assuming their abuser(s) total power over them, possibly even maintaining this belief once they're 'free'. "i'll always be under their thumb, they call all the shots, they may even know what's best for me more than i ever will." others may feel deep sadness or profound guilt at just the thought of leaving them - including long after they've successfully left, if they were able. some may remain transfixed by their abuser's charming side or the warm public persona that everyone loves; it may feel truly impossible to think ill of them. many hold a constant longing for their abusers to just love them - craving their praise well into adulthood, slaving away in their personal lives just to make them proud. alternatively, there are others who may obsess about them angrily, holding only hatred and disdain for them to the point of persistent bitterness and/or vengefulness. some can even stir desires to seek that revenge. (though, it should be clearly noted that it's not at all common for them to actually do so. It's more about the thoughts than the actions.)

    many survivors can have a primary, more surface-layer set of thoughts and feelings about their perpetrator(s), particularly when asked. they may know what they're "supposed to say" or "supposed to feel", and then follow suit. but it's helpful to know that a collection of all these responses can, and often does, coexist within one person, vacillating between extremes underneath what's shown to the world or even to themselves. day to day, and year to year, their feelings may shift - and - what the survivor knows to be true intellectually versus what they feel emotionally may remain incongruent for a very long time. ”

OKAY SO. THAT’S A BIG ONE. THAT’S A LOT TO READ. but i think it’s very, very important to fuyumi’s reaction to her trauma, and also to the fandom misconceptions of her. fuyumi clearly is very attached to her father. there’s no denying that. and the particular sentences that stand out to me here are “some may remain transfixed by their abuser’s charming side or public persona” and “they know what they’re supposed to feel”. i’ve said continuously that her father being a hero, and one so well-known and praised at that, has HEAVILY affected her views of him ! as a child fuyumi conflagrated his public persona as the “real” him. she struggled with this...... idea that his violence + aggression were a kind of "fake" version of him - aka "that's not the real him", "he's not always like that", "he used to be a lot nicer", etc. etc. and it’s only as she got older that she moved away from this line of thinking, though she still catches herself with it now and then. and, of course, fuyumi only ever wanted his attention and praise. she worked tirelessly to please him, trying to get him to come to her skating competitions, getting top marks in school, attending todai, always having dinner on the table in spite of her obligations.

it’s also so important to note the second paragraph in this section. fuyumi knows she should be enraged, she should want nothing to do with him, but that’s just ... really difficult for her, i think, especially when unlike shouto and natsuo, she remains in that environment. so there’s this disconnect between her desire for his love + making him proud, to defend him, to make their family “whole” again vs. the knowledge that she shouldn’t want anything to do with him.

natsuo holds that persistent bitterness, and dabi definitely wants revenge so um. yes. next point

one's 'system of meanings'.   “ of the many, many well-observed developmental disruptions those with c-ptsd face, one that many find to be the toughest to conquer [...] is what's referred to as one's 'system of meanings' ; an area that, after being subjected to such tumultuous trauma, can feel almost irreparable. what this criterion is referring to is the struggle to hold on to any kind of sustaining faith or belief that justice will ever be served to indiscretions of ethics and morality. these survivors' outlook on life and the world at large can be unfairly contorted, and understandably so.

    they may doubt there is any goodness or kindness in the world that isn't selfish-hearted. they may worry they'll never find forgiveness. others may even believe they only came to this world to be hurt, so there can be no good coming for them. this level of hopelessness and despair, as well as these greater meanings assigned to their suffering, can fluctuate greatly over time. there may even come several years where things no longer feel so bleak or as though they were conned of a meaningful life. but, as more layers of trauma are processed in therapy, or new memories bubble to the surface, they may wrestle with it once more as new feelings strike a devastating chord inside their chest. this is a common experience for so many survivors, and can have lasting ramifications with each plunge. ”

this point is, clearly, much more extreme in her brothers. shouto’s aggravation at being reprimanded for breaking the law when it meant doing good; natsuo’s clear resentment of heroes; and this one is, of course, most prevalent in dabi. see: “ the struggle to hold on to any kind of sustaining faith or belief that justice will ever be served to indiscretions of ethics and morality, ” or “ they may doubt there is any goodness or kindness in the world that isn't selfish-hearted. they may worry they'll never find forgiveness. ” LIKE HELLO. the hatred of heroes, the idolization of stain. SCREAMS DABI

i think fuyumi’s ‘system of meanings’ is ... much less disturbed than her brothers’ ( COUGH DABI COUGH ), but there still is some disruption there. by and large, fuyumi still believes that the good in the world outweighs the bad - but the disruption in her belief is also going to be that the hero system is a falsity, it’s a sham, it’s glorified and she inherently dislikes the concept of heroism. 

so anyway. i’m upset hbu

[dayables]

I'm glad you liked my yttd ramble the other day hahsjshsj. And I have some more stuff to say because this game lives rent free in my head.

I love the writing and storytelling from kimi ga shine, I really do but I think the way the later half of the second main game is structured, from a narrative point of view is kinda misleading. The whole focus of the last bit, with the Kanna vs Shin argument is on Kanna. Shin feels unsure and ungrounded so he resorts to interrupting her and abandons his calculated and calm facade he had until that point, which makes sense in a character point of view because it shows how he reacts when he is truly cornered. But it doesn't make sense considering afterwards the game clearly wants you to vote him. Honestly after playing the logic route the first time, the emotion route feels like a fever dream. It's all unicorns and rainbows and is such a contrast to the other option I wonder why we even had a choice in the first place. Unless further down the line there is some type of plot twist where our hope and optimism in the emotion route is punished I don't see why the game pushes so hard to make us feel guilty of killing Kanna in the Shin route. Honestly, after playing a chapter 3 full of internal conflict from Sara and other characters reacting to the traumatic nature of their situation, they seem so naive in the emotion route, idk if I'm explaining myself well enough. Like we fall into this weird bit where they will "for sure make it out alive" and Sara is determined to "bring everyone to safety", everything is "totally gonna be okay" and it just seems so... off? It makes no sense for them to think that right now, especially not after a failed escape attempt and seeing the way the floormasters and dolls can interfere with the game like Gashu did. (And knowing that even if they can take off their collars they will just be killed for desobying the rules from Shin's death)

On Kanna's death "cut scene" Sara literally thinks, and I quote "We need Sou to escape... / I... chose logic... / The worst possible choice..." what???? literally how? The whole point of this choice is that no matter which one it will always be a morally grey answer, there isn't a right or wrong here because either way you're killing one of your allies. And going back to the way the second main game is structured: the focus is all on Kanna so having Shin's death be the final arch for his character seems a bit out of touch. If we wanted that to be his big finale, if he's the one we're supposed to listen to, then why isn't he the one speaking for the majority of the time? The end of the discussion part is all about Kanna, Kanna's sacrifice, her whole speech about Kai's values and hope to defy the game and escape as a group, Kanna's wish to save Sou and Sara like she couldn't save her sister. Then why is listening the Kanna the worst choice? I think they were going for a "double final arch" per say, so you could in fact choose any of the two endings and still have a satisfactory conclusion but why did they have to push so hard afterwards for Shin's death to be "the right choice?". If that's just Sara's guilt speaking why doesn't she feel the same way (or at least the tiniest bit remorseful) for Shin?

And I know it's another level to the whole logic vs emotion, you either get a more satisfying narrative or a happier one but I don't think it had to be that different you know? That and the way the two deaths are handled makes it clear (even if unintentionally) that Nankidai gives priority to the emotion route. And when you can see that to this degree it makes me wonder why is this even a choice in the first place?

In conclusion, I seriously hope the emotion vs logic route isn't the thing that leads the player to a good vs bad ending. Or at least that it isn't as predictable as it seems right now, because if we are doomed right from the moment we chose to save Shin... idk it seems like a cheaper alternative to just have "save the child" as the objectively better ending. And again, I would personally make it so that the whole hero trope, happy-go-lucky nature of the characters in the emotion route would crumble somewhere during the final chapter, they can still have a happy ending but at least make it so that there are some consequences for choosing Kanna over Shin, literally anything at all. Them being suddenly almost unfazed by the deaths of their past allies is so out there it seems completely out of character. Like you said, Sara's stress doesn't come only from Joe's death and Shin's existence, it comes from leading a group of people to almost certain death, why is that no longer a problem? And if the difference between saving Kanna or Shin is more world building and knowledge later on then that needs to be a bigger difference between the routes because right now it's just Kanna good, Shin bad.

Anyways this turned out super long again but I just have. a lot of thoughts. I really do like Nankidai's storytelling, he does a very good job at it but when it comes to this? I think he made some questionable choices, I hope it becomes less linear in the future.

:DDD 

Once again, this is my thoughts explained so well, so I’m going to expand with my thoughts :)

First off,   the game clearly wants you to vote him. is very true. Shin’s death is nearly too perfect. Happy ending, a character arc wrapped up in a bow, constant praise for killing Shin and an even happier next part. A fever dream is the perfect way to describe the emotional route after playing logic  first. Everything about it, seems so off. 

What tipped me off, what really tipped me off, was Kanna’s  reaction to We hin’s death. Especially when compared to Shin’s. Whether or not it’s healthy is debatable but it is at the very least co-dependant. Kanna was manipulated by Shin. Whether or not she cared for him the same way he cared for her* is up for debate. 

*(we don’t have nearly enough context for a clear cut on her motives for her actions in part 2. Shin seems to be more concerned about saving Kanna specifically, while Kanna wants to save everyone including Shin. This can be linked back to her feelings of worthless. Yes, Shin is special to her, she mentions him and Sara. However, if they had not gotten close, Kanna likely would have made the same choice) 

Kanna, almost didn’t seem to care that he died, that everyone else might die (from her own perception of what could happen). For someone who is wrecked by grief and death so much, she’s, just as happy as everyone else? It’s so out of character that she isn’t a teeny bit distressed. 

See, the oh so happy attitude, part can be played off to Sara no longer being swallowed by self-loathing over Joe. She believes she can do it, and that will drastically affect how the part plays out. Yes, that is not where all her issues stem from. But, even that small weight could make all the difference in those moments.  I’m okay with that because Sara is allowed to be unreliable. It’s the others reactions. Everyone is just like her. It’s so surreal how everyone seems have gotten their own Joe AI through someone's death?

The narrative actively pushes that choosing Kanna is the better thing to do logically, while killing Shin is foolish and a choice made from emotions. We are pushed to kill Kanna then rewarded when we save her. It’s all so jumbled. It’s all so wrong. Now from a story telling perspective, it is okay to reward us for listening to our hearts. My issue with the emotional route isn’t that it’s one big happy family, (because how much of that is Sara believing that?). It’s the concept it’s pushed to be better, happier and the ending you want.  

As you said: Why is killing Shin a choice if it’s so bad? 

Is it to give the player an illusion of choice? 

It makes the emotion route so fever dreamish after finishing the emotion route. So jumbled. It makes it less satisfying but I believe it is for a reason. 

Right now everything is too linear. We either have the most important player in this game dead, or against us. It’s not like the Reko/Alice choice. This was so major, so why is it so linear? 

It’s unnerving, how happy the game is when the exact same thing is happening but bleaker when you save Shin. 

It’s terrifying. Everything is the exact same, but it’s not. And it’s something i’ve seen no one else who played emotion first get. Because I don’t know if you can exactly grasp how unnerving their happiness is (I obviously didn’t play emotion first but I’ve never seen anyone point it out despite most of tumblr playing emotion first) at first.

I am terrified of the emotional route for their being nothing bad. Because they’re are bad things and good things. in the logic route. 

Why is one route so happy and the other realistic? Why Nankadai? Why? 

I have belief that this is purposeful. I believe a game that creates dread so easily (look at how we’re all terrified of main games, Midori, part 3b)  and horror (just look at the deaths) is not creating the terror unintentionally. Especially when it’s so easy to miss. 

The fact it can be taken down to Kanna good, Shin bad, is a build-up for a crash. This game built up Kai surviving longer than the first game so well and look at how that went. It takes one slip and the happiness of emotion crashes down like glass. The logic route does not need to end happier, but all Shin needs is a push and the bleakness of Logic cannot hold up. 

These routes are resting on a needle. It takes so many mistakes (more than can be made in a single route) to unintentionally put them there. 

There is a lot of room for this to go wrong. You’re right, it’s bad writing right now for the routes that are so linear to be so different. It’s worrying, jumbled and does not make sense. I agree with you! The choices here are questionable. ^^, I just believe these are purposeful, especially when we don’t know what’s coming next 

[drop-killa]

Being Honest

**trigger warning: diet culture, purging, and self-loathing** This isn’t a post where I’m self-loathing about my diet culture; it’s a piece of writing about being completely honest and raw about my personal experiences.

So this whole entire blog started because I made an Instagram account, a private one apart from my regular public one, as a form of accountability on my fitness journey. My goals of this fitness journey are to return back to the size I was before I got foot surgery 6 months ago and fit back into my old jeans. THAT BEING SAID I only want to lose 20-30lbs... THAT BEING SAID I am 5′5″ and my goal weight is around 180-190lbs. That’s not most peoples goal weight but I am just a whole lotta woman. I quickly gained weight after both serious injuries I’ve had in my life and I am having a lot of trouble losing it this second time around. Moving on: life is not all about losing weigh but I am uncomfortable. My goal weight is not 120lbs ok? It’s just to return to a normal comfortable size where my clothes fit.

I have been posting “everyday” on my countdown to Bonnaroo in June of 2020. I started typing out this super long caption and I decided it deserved a better home. This blog post doesn’t have to make sense to anyone but me.

Ok so I deleted IG off my phone and honestly I have missed: pictures of cats, rave memes, and posting on my private account.

I've been home alone for almost 2 weeks and I have been absolutely destroying my diet. By diet I just mean "general intake of nutritious food"

I'm not ON a diet: it's a word to explain your nutritional intake

My mom and I live together. She’s pretty woke for being born in 1968 and having lived through an entirely different period of diets and cultural norms but she definitely still has some pretty toxic diet relationships that she will never unlearn. So unfortunately I grew up in a household with some seriously toxic food and diet conversations. I remember when I first hit puberty and started showing cellulite on the back of my thighs my mom was making me do pilates with her because she was convinced I would hate myself when I got older for having cellulite.

She's been out of town.

Being out of the sight of someone who definitely judges me for what I eat is actually doing more damage than being around her. One greasy day of eating shouldn't budge the scale but 2 weeks of greasy eating surely will....

The extent to which I binge is absolutely unbelievable. My relationship with food is not healthy but not in the way that I’m always seeing being talked about online. Right now it’s super acceptable to be have recovered from an ED like anorexia and accepting the fact that you’re 130lbs instead of 100lbs and workout a lot. The people I see preaching about accepting their bodies, besides Ashley Graham and Tess Holiday, are not the kind of bodies that I can relate to.

I feel like my life will be a forever battle against chewing my nails until they bleed, and potential obesity just sitting over the horizon. I don’t know if that’s normal or that’s a real worry I should have.

I used to binge AND purge. BAD. I really don’t like when people describe foods as “bad” or “oh I was so good today” because that’s obviously a socially acceptable toxic mindset that I would not like to participate in. On the other hand: Purging IS bad. Eating yourself sick with the intention to puke it up afterwards is bad bad bad. I take full responsibility for my own self harm and I also can remember exactly where it started. My best friend, my day one and my forever girl, took about a year apart from each other unintentionally and sowed our own wild oats. She got a boyfriend and I hung around a girl who smoked cigarettes and lost weight by bulimia. I was so inspired by the idea that I could eat anything in the fucking world and just throw it up after and i fucking did. I have been battling depression for what feels like my entire fucking life and this was a super low point, historically, that I saw as a super high point at the time. A lightbulb went off. I don’t think I ever even binged that bad before this time. And unfortunately  the damage cannot be undone.

I have a shit history of self harm- I'm not gonna go into those details. Being an intelligent teenager is difficult and that's another story.

I am known for talking and being unashamed and being honest and open and trying to relate to people on a real level. There are some really uncomfortable and disturbing traumatic experiences in my life that I just won’t ever want to talk about. I never want them to be the subject of any discussion. This is one of the biggest secrets I ever kept. I don’t know that I was ashamed at the time but I liked it so much that I didn’t want to share it with anyone else. I knew what other people would have to say about it and I didn’t want to have to stand there and react and pretend like I was going to change while they gasped and scolded me.  It’s actually kind of funny because tumblr was the BIBLE for kids with eating disorders. All of the realest, darkest information for frustrated teens was on tumblr back in the day. It was the dark teenagers of my generations gateway into the depths of human psyche. It was the first place I read about kids who fucking hated themselves and look- here I am telling this story for the first time on the only vessel I ever learned it on in the first place. Tumblr has always been a safe anonymous place for self-loathing.

I don’t know that this story was ever going anywhere specific and that’s why it was moved from an IG caption to an entire blog. I don’t know that I’ve ever hated myself but I have treated myself so, so poorly.

So I’ve been home alone for 2 weeks and I have been binging so much. I have been such a fucking anxious mess and I appreciated the space during this time because I don’t always want to explain myself - sometimes I just wanna fucking cry my eyes out while I’m blow drying my hair. I do miss having people around to remind myself of normal functions of life like: vegetables and sleep and normal bed times. I’m giving up on this post but I like typing better than journaling so I believe I will continue.

[commodorecliche]

I'll be honest I'm not into He Tian/ Mo since so much of it from early on has been very physically abusive and i get that most of the fandom disregards that as "boys will be boys" but for me personally it's not an appealing relationship. But honestly you do you @ the people who are into that. I'm just gonna stay 10 miles away from it.

like... my biggest issue isn’t even that it’s such a toxic relationship (and let’s be honest here, it is toxic and unhealthy as it stands right now). my real issue is how so many fans reacts to the ship and say that clearly unhealthy behavior is cute and romantic. 

(buckle up kids, this post got long. i ramble a lot about them as characters and their relationship and their motivations) If you wanna skip all that, just read the last like... paragraph. 

like there’s literally nothing wrong with shipping and enjoying a toxic ship. nothing at all wrong with that. we are allowed to like things that are less than pure. we all have things that we like that are wrong/dark/problematique/whatever. but at the same time, i think it’s important that we are able to recognize that toxicity and not romanticize it just because we personally like it. i think it’s important to go “hey, I like this ship. It’s not healthy right now, it’s pretty toxic, maybe it won’t be in the future, maybe it will improve. but I recognize right now that it is unhealthy, and I still like it. and that’s okay.”

again, there’s nothing wrong with that!! human beings like dark things. it’s just how we are. but just because someone likes horror movies doesn’t mean it’s okay to go out and murder people. it’s important to go “wow, i love this fictional murderer! but i know that murder is still wrong.” just like we, as a fandom should say “hey, i love this fictional ship! but i know that they’re dysfunctional, toxic, and very unhealthy right now!”

but this fandom doesn’t really do that. in fact, it would seem that many aggressively don’t do that. many in this fandom will be outright rude to anyone who dares to say that tia/nshan’s behavior isn’t cute/romantic, will argue aggressively with anyone who says that mo is obviously uncomfortable and not just blushing cause of ‘gay panic’ or whatever. and that’s really unfortunate. because like i said, just because something is unhealthy doesn’t mean you can’t like it??

every single unhealthy, toxic, abusive thing he tian does to mo is seen by many fans as “cute” and just he tian “showing how much he cares”. mo’s constant discomfort at the things he tian does is, at best, ignored, and at worst, misconstrued. for example: a while back someone posted a picture set of the times mo was “blushing” because of he tian - but really it was just a picture collage of all the times that he tian has done something weird/unwanted/creepy and has made mo aggressively uncomfortable. 

and the things that are abusive (like the physical violence) just get swept under the rug by many fans. like, holy hell, he tian threw mo off of a bridge and into a creek. and the fandom just kind of ignores it and INSTEAD decides to focus on the panels after that scene in which he tian jumps down into the water and lifts mo out of the water as if it’s the cutest thing in the world he could’ve done. nevermind that he tian literally threw him off a bridge. he tian going down to ‘help’ mo doesn’t change the fact that he tian was the one who threw him off the bridge in the first place. (and let’s be clear of the reason why he tian threw mo off a bridge: it was because mo threw his phone and bag into the water. but the reason mo threw he tian’s phone and bag was because he tian had tons of creepy photos that he had secretly taken of mo. that’s not cute. that’s creepy and stalkerish. it’s a huge invasion of privacy to just take tons of secret photos of someone and mo is visibly unnerved by it. no wonder mo threw his phone and bag off the bridge! if it were a girl that he tian had done that to?? he would have been CRUCIFIED by fans. but because it’s two guys, somehow it’s cute now? 

my point is that... he tian and mo have a lot of problems. a LOT. but the fandom just doesn’t want to acknowledge it, opting instead to pretend that this relationship is okay and good as it stands right now. and what really sucks about that is that because of the fact that they are so dysfunctional right now, that means that they, as characters, have a huge opportunity for growth. they’re in a pretty bad place right now, but that means that they can only really go up. but we need to recognize that we’re sitting at the bottom of the barrel right now with this ship. and this fandom needs to recognize that they have to grow out of what they currently are in order to ever progress into something better.

there’s nothing wrong with liking this ship. i want to emphasize that again. because seriously, i mean that. i like tia/nshan. i have high hopes for the ship (even though OX continues to disappoint me. always one step forward, ten steps back with their progress it seems. that gets extremely frustrating when you think some progress has been made in their relationship and it just reverts back to toxicity but i digress). but i recognize that just because i personally like this ship and want them to eventually be happy/normal, that doesn’t mean the ship is without problems. it’s got loads of problems. and i’m just not sure why so many fans elect to ignore that fact? it’s shocking to me what this fandom will call cute or romantic. and maybe that’s my age speaking. i know many fans of this manhua are younger and just might not realize that this unhealthy behavior and not “cute” and don’t realize that this behavior will eventually have to stop if he tian and mo are ever to become something healthy.

now for some character analysis that no one asked for but that i am gunna type up anyway: 

right now, he tian and mo are 15-16 years old. they’re bratty, angry teenagers dealing with a lot of crap in their lives and neither of them have really had... great role models or easy lives that would lead to them being well-adjusted human beings. i think, given those circumstances, some of the unhealthy behavior they show makes sense. a lot of it can, i think, be chalked up to 1) their age and 2) their backgrounds. 

he tian is aggressively (and i mean AGGRESSIVELY) possessive and protective and i think it stems from the fact that he grew up learning that if you wanted something and wanted to keep it safe, you had to physically demand it and cling to it. but at the same time, he tian also grew up rich. let’s be real here: he’s spoiled. and he’s very accustomed to getting what he wants. it’s not a stretch to see that mentality extend to people he wants. and what he wants right now is mo. and he just kind of... does whatever he wants and whatever he thinks is necessary in order to exert control over mo and keep him close by. because he wants him, he wants to “protect” him (in his own weird way). and so he goes about showing this heavy affection in an extremely unhealthy and abusive way, complete with unwanted sexual advances, stalker tendencies, physical aggression, and manipulative behavior. i think... he believes his motivations to be good (because in his head he definitely cares for mo and wants to help him), but the way he goes about it is literally awful. again, if this were a girl instead of mo, we’d all be telling her to RUN. 

mo is a little harder to peg just because we still only know snippets of his past. but obviously, he’s had an absent father, he has had to become extremely self-reliant, has never wanted to depend on anyone or “owe” anyone anything. he was ostracized by his classmates when he was young: after going through an extremely traumatic experience (the restaurant scene, and then his father going to jail), his classmates branded him “bad” and not someone who could be trusted. mo then found friendship in the only place he could - with the other outcasts, and fell into the gang. every friendship mo has ever had has been toxic and physically aggressive and controlling. i mean, fuck, she li stuck dirty, dull thumbtacks into his earlobes as punishment for him standing up for another gang member. mo seems like he’s aching to have an actual sense of Self. he tian is... just another ‘friend’ who’s hurtful to him and is controlling over him. not to mention, we have no idea about mo’s sexuality. he obviously seems to have some deep rooted self-hatred and homophobia (the kid freaked out about getting a shot at the hospital in his buttcheek for god’s sake and then had a nightmare in which bullies at school said sexually aggressive things to him because he got a shot in his buttcheek). but at the same time he’s also obviously got some kind of... weird... i don’t know how to say it because it’s not affection, but... perhaps fascination with he tian. i’m not sure. because in his dream, he tian is the one that comforts him. and later on we see that mo even goes to help and ‘comfort’ he tian when he’s having nightmares too. but he’s also still aggressively uncomfortable with the things he tian does around him and the things he tian forces upon him. 

it’s just... it’s complicated.

and because of that, right now you can’t say that their relationship and the things they do to each other are cute... or happy... or well-adjusted... or even a relationship. right now, really all we have is a deeply dysfunctional acquaintanceship that is being progressed by... control and manipulation. and yes, i have high hopes that... mo will find his sense of self and will discover what he feels and what he wants. and i have high hopes that he tian will realize how he’s behaving and will come to understand that the things he does are not... good or kind... especially to someone you supposedly like and want to protect. and i mean, maybe we’re seeing a little bit of that? i mean, in the last couple chapters, we saw mo willingly asking he tian for a pair of black studs, that’s a pretty big forward motion, and mo being willing to tag along with he tian to go get them. he tian didn’t force him to climb the wall and skip class (definitely a departure from his usually forcefulness), mo went willingly. so... maybe right now we’re seeing a little development. but... like i said, OX tends to go... one step forward and ten steps back with them, and i’m afraid that the next time we see them interacting it’s going to be something violent or forceful or insulting or stalkerish. so, i just don’t know. 

but... really the long and short of it is that i wish more fans would look at tia/nshan and say “i like this ship but i recognize that it’s not healthy currently”. because that’s the truth. 

[fairyroses]

gosh, anyone remember how Brainy reacted when he thought he wasn't going to save Kara in season 3? we always knew how much she meant to him, and it's nice to continue seeing that concern, especially with how that opens him up more emotionally. (also, consider: how would Kara react to Brainy being put in danger?)

(I’m assuming that you’re talking about 3.10 when it comes to saving Kara? If not then pls correct me lol. also I haven’t rewatched 3.10 in a bit so my memories might be a liiiiitle off, but that’s okay.) 

Anyway, 3.10 is absolutely worth talking about because I feel like due to the bad makeup most people didn’t really pick up on how worried Brainy was every time he looked at Kara’s unconscious body in the real world? Because he was Very Concerned even back then:

(in fact, this gif is yet another instance of him looking at her all concerned-like when everyone else around him is busy talking and planning, hello continuity) 

(also god, the 3.10 makeup really was SO bad, I can hardly stand it now lmao) 

Of course, his interactions with Kara inside of her mind palace are completely different, which makes sense because a) he probably doesn’t want Kara herself to worry about what’s happening, and b) he’s trying to look cool and trustworthy in front of her (case in point: making himself look taller). The Brainy that we see in Kara’s mind palace is definitely lowkey wearing a mask, because Brainy IRL is actually very obviously worried. We briefly see IRL Brainy pop up in the mind palace when Kara can’t open the door, and he rushes forward to try and open it himself, and he even admits that he doesn’t know what’s wrong. In that scene, his expressions IRL and in the mind palace actually match for once, because he’s so thrown off that he accidentally drops his confident facade in front of Kara.

He also leaves in the middle of a scene to check on Kara at least once, and he’s still hanging around near her later on, when he eavesdrops on Alex. So I’d say that he also does quite a bit of Concerned Hovering - it’s subtle, but it’s definitely there. 

So anyway, the point is that you’re absolutely right and Brainy has cared a ton about Kara since the beginning, and also YES re: him opening up more, because I mean, we’ve upgraded from concerned looks and subtle hovering to Outright Crying. I’d definitely say that that’s emotional progress on his part!

AS FOR THE SECOND PART OF THIS ASK, hooo boy have I thought about it. In fact, I’ve thought about it a LOT because there’s gonna be a scene in the Fake-Dating Fic where uhhh let’s just say that thought process is very applicable (NO SPOILERS THO so we’re just….not gonna talk about that. shhh).

So basically, I feel like Kara’s immediate reaction to Brainy being in danger would be PROTECT AT ALL COSTS, because she knows that he’s not nearly as invulnerable as she is (and also he isn’t really the fighter that Alex is). Like, she already feels like she has a duty to Protect Everyone, so it’s that same instinct just…multiplied.

If he’s already been hurt though, I feel like Kara’s go-to would be comfort? So like, lots of teary smiles, face and hair stroking, soft voices, telling him that it’s gonna be okay even if she secretly doesn’t believe it, etc. Basically, Kara excels at Good Bedside Manner. 

Also, she’d feel hella guilty every time he got hurt, because she would blame herself for failing to protect him (which is definitely something that the two of them have in common, bc we’ve already seen how hard Brainy is on himself if he thinks he’s failed Kara). She’d also be SUPER scared of losing him, both bc of her original Abandonment Issues as well as the fact that she saw a bunch of people that she loves die in front of her like SUPER RECENTLY (talking about the S3 finale here). Like sure, that was technically reversed and fixed via time travel, but she still remembers it and there’s no way it wasn’t traumatic. 

…These are all feelings that she’d probably never voice aloud to anyone except maybe Alex, though. 

[zendozebra]

All the Time in the World Chapter 7

He's gonna have to kick Yamada's ass next time he sees him. Sure, come in to Majima's office unannounced, that's fine. Talk non-stop for 30 minutes while Majima desperately tries to ignore him, that's alright. Spill your stupid iced coffee thing all over the notes Majima made for today's lecture, then run away before you can be forced to clean up your goddamn mess, that's fucked up. Now he has no notes, no plan, no lecture, and most of his students are staring at him, waiting for him to begin today's lesson. He doesn't even remember what today's lecture was supposed to be about. Now what is he supposed to do? Sure he could just use time stop to get a new set of notes together, that would be easy. It would be trivial. But Majima really doesn't want to. Should he just make it up as he goes along? Yeah, that sounds good. He could probably bullshit his way through just one lecture, or at the very least 45 minutes. Alright, let's get started. He stood at the front of the room, already in full costume. The cloak ended up being more of a poncho than a cloak, but the mask was right, so he gave it a pass. Wasn't wearing that part right now, though, it was laying on his desk. The boots Nezu recommended actually fit pretty well, so that's a plus.

"Okay, about 200 years ago, give or take a handful of decades, quirks happened. Alright? We got that, that's been covered in your other schools. Quirks have been a thing for…" Oh god, what year did quirks start? What year was it now? "… Quite some time now. The hero society was created out of a necessity to stop everyone with a quirk from going full asshole because someone forgot to put ketchup on their omurice." They were looking at him weird. This plan is falling apart faster than he'd thought it would. "Okay, I am obviously oversimplifying this. Basically, the laws that prevented the public use of quirks were implemented, but that clearly wouldn't stop anyone with even a lick of determination."

"So, what do you do? Obviously, ya got to fight fire with fire, so they created the original hero registration procedures. Only the brightest beacons were allowed to even take the tests, and even fewer passed them. Those that failed but still received a high enough score would eventually go on to become some of the first sidekicks. From there, they would follow in the footsteps of the hero they were assigned to, and would sooner or later become a hero themselves. Those heroes would then get sidekicks themselves, and would perpetuate the cycle."

"Back to the topic of villains, though. Early on, it was realized that there were three types of villains. Sure, these would often bleed over into each other, and you would rarely find a villain that would be a pure form of just one aspect, but I happen to have been a witness to a pure form of each. Now, all of the shit I'm about to tell you guys has been struck from the history books, and for a good reason. I don't expect you to understand that reason, but the fall of the non-quirked society was… Ugly. Riots, mobs, protests, both violent and non-violent. Fuck, there was even a small war over in the states."

"Alright. The three core principles of villainy are as follows: Trauma, Career, and Power. The three examples for these principles are The Echoed Mind, All or Nothing, and All for One. Uh, Midoriya, you doin' okay?" The hell is up with the kid, he jumped up in his seat at that last name. Sure, All for One wasn't the best name, but if ya knew what his quirk was, he was down right terrifying. He should probably not tell the students just what ol' All for One used to be capable of, regardless of the fact that the man's been dead for quite some time now.

"I'm fine, Majima-sensei. Just wasn't expecting hear names quite like those." Izuku explained, which made sense. Codenames back in the day could be weird. Hell, Majima's original codename wasn't all that great, he was just copying the naming convention that Akira and Jin were using. Did Aimi ever give herself a name before everything went tits up? He knew she eventually took Jin's name when everything was said and done, but he never kept any tabs on her after he ran.

"Alright then. Now, as I was saying, each of these villains were a rare example of the pure embodiment of one of these Echoed Mind was trauma. Their true name was Fujita Jin, and they-"

"Majima-sensei!" Holy shit, Ashido is actually raising her hand in his class to ask a question. He guessed that Izuku's study session with her yesterday did more for her confidence than he'd thought it would. Okay, act natural, just acknowledge her question.

"Yes, Ashido, do you have a question?" Nailed it.

"Is this the same Jin that you're always talking about?" Goddamnit, at least she's asking questions. And seeing how old he was, that's technically a legitimate question. Judging by the look on the faces of Kaminari and Ojiro, she wasn't the only one wondering about that.

"No, my old friend Jin and Fujita Jin were not the same person, but that was a good question regardless." Majima Kokiri, helping boost student morale. Didn't think that would ever be a thing in his life. "Either way, Fujita started as a young child with an immensely powerful telepathy quirk. When used, it would implant a single thought in the victims mind that would echo on an endless loop. This thought would grow more powerful as time would pass, until it would completely consume the victims entire thought process. It would drive them to madness, and depending on what the implanted thought was, they would become more frantic and aggressive in an attempt to remove the thought. Fujita would implant within his victims incredibly violent urges and hostile intentions, which would drive them to commit increasingly violent crimes as they tried to remove the horrors he would give to them."

"No one was able to connect these strings of random crimes and murders until Fujita was already an adult, but once they realized that it was a quirk user that was responsible, they started to do some digging. And boy, the shit they found was like something from the most terrifying Stephen King novel." Yep, damn this generation, not knowing all the good horror writers. Wait, Sero looks pretty excited. He knew about King? There's a few conversations to be had there, if that's the case. "When they looked through the registry, which was very limited at the time, they managed to narrow it down and they eventually got themselves some information, none of which looked good. In and out of orphanages and foster homes, reports that he had been abused both physically and sexually, multiple hospital visits. It was a mess. The boy had been broken, unmade, and the only thing left was a violent husk that lashed out and everyone around him. He was traumatized, and he acted without goal or reason, simply reacting to a world that was made too harsh for him. "

Some of the students were starting to look a bit pale, which was good. This was an important topic. The world is fucked up, and Aizawa could use some help in making sure these kids understand that. "The second classification is career, and back in the day, nobody had a better criminal career than All or Nothing. Hell, to this day, he remains at the top of whatever fucked up scoreboards that exist for this type of shit. A hitman for hire, All or Nothing had a very weak quirk that was put to a dangerous use. All he could do was nullify weak electrical fields. Couldn't make them, couldn't control them, he could only nullify them. Altogether, not that dangerous. Hell, it's actually almost completely harmless. That was until he found out that he could nullify the weak electrical force that held together atoms. No electrical field, the atoms fall apart, which means that the molecules fall apart, so on and so forth. He would touch his victims and disables this force, which would turn them into a pile of dust. All he had to do was touch them, anywhere. Walking down the street, alone in their house, in the halls of their workplace. He was quick, he was efficient, and he was the best there was."

"So, how did they catch him, Majima-sensei?" Wow, even invisa-girl was asking questions, wasn't today just swell. Then again, this was probably the most interesting lecture he's ever given. Wasn't he supposed to be talking about arms dealing today? Back to the subject at hand, he looked at Hagakure, or whatever.

"Whoever said he was caught?" Eyes went wide all around at that little tidbit. "Over a course of 37 years, All or Nothing killed an estimated 10,000 people, both innocent civilians, police officers, politicians, pro heroes, and even a fair number of villains. After the 37th year, there were no further reports of any homicides that matched his modus operandi. He disappeared, no longer took any jobs, and is believed to have enjoyed a quiet retirement before eventually dying of natural causes."

He gave the class a moment to let that sink in before he moved on. "The last classification is power. What I mean by this is the desire for power in its purest state. Not a desire to rule, not a desire to cause harm, or to destroy, but straightforward, untainted, simple power. Power, simply for the sake of having it. And no one in the last 200 years has ever displayed this desire so purely, than All for One." Again, Izuku seemed strangely interested about this one. There's no way he's heard about this guy, he's been dead for a long, long time. "I am not at liberty to tell you what his quirk was. Not only was it purposely scrubbed from the annals of history for a damn good reason, I truly don't think that most of you would be able to understand his quirk. I'm not insulting your intelligence." That last part was said as he held up a hand, as Iida, Yaoyorozu, and even Bakugou started to argue with him. "It has nothing to do with how smart you are, but about how you were raised. This society has taught all of you a few base rules that can never, ever be broken, no matter what. The power that All for One held spits in the face of just about every single one of these rules."

"His true name has been lost to time, hell I'm probably the only one who knows what it was, and that's only because I did a few jobs for him back before he came up with the name. All you need to know, is that All for One was probably the greatest villain to have ever existed. His mere presence brought even the mightiest heroes to their knees, his views on philosophy could topple even the best arguments crafted by the world's leading scholars, and the power he wielded granted him the unofficial title… Of the world's Symbol of Evil." There we go. His students looked much more than simply scared, the looked horrified. Scarred, even. "He possessed a desire for power that could rival even the most determined man, and he would plunge his soul into the blackest, vilest pits of the last and most horrific circles of hell in order to achieve his goals."

No one asked him. No one asked about the fate of such a monster. They were too scared to know the answer. They've been through enough today, so he'll cut them a break. "Midoriya," He nodded at the boy, catching his attention, "What do you think happened to All for One?"

"He… Got away, didn't he? Just like All or Nothing, didn't he?" The boy was shaking like a leaf, as was a fair number of his other students. Hell, even Bakugou seemed to be pretty freaked out. But of course, he can't tell them that Midoriya was right. If these kids knew that a monster like All for One might still be running around, then word might get out that he's still kicking, and it would cause a panic. He hates doing it, especially when he's talking about important stuff, but he's gotta lie. So, what should he tell them? Make something up? Tell a partial truth, and just withhold some of the really important stuff? He very obviously can't talk about his own involvement in that whole mess. He'd get more than fired, he'd probably get arrested. Alright, partial truth it was.

"Thankfully, no." The whole class looked at him confused. "The hero society, at the time, was still just an idea. The hero system that was in place at the time was just an experiment. It wasn't cemented until one hero, greater than any who had ever walked the Earth, would one day kill All for One. That heroes name has also been removed from history, at the request of his fiancee, as the hero himself had died in his effort to take down All for One. Just like with everything else, I'm gonna keep that hero's name a secret. But this time, I'm doing it out of respect for the sacrifice of that brave hero."

They were quiet. Every last one of them, as quiet as the dead. Majima sat at his desk, taking a look at his now dried notes. Oh hey, they were supposed to be talking about how seemingly useless quirks could be used for evil in the hands of villains. That would have been a good topic to talk about. Hell, Majima could have had fun with that topic. Damnit, if only Yamada hadn't fucked up his notes, then maybe he would have been able to teach these kids something useful today. The bell rang, and his class quietly shuffled out the door. He took a drink of his now cold coffee.

He was going to get chewed the fuck out by Nezu later, he could already tell.

[fifi-uchiha]

He Wasn’t There (3/?)

Part 2 https://fifi-uchiha.tumblr.com/post/170553511454/he-wasnt-there-2 ................................................................................... “It was an Uchiha.” “WHAT?” Ino didn’t expect that. She did NOT expect for Sakura to suddenly speak up. An Uchiha. It was an Uchiha who did that to her? But how? Who?! And fucking WHY? Ino knew the story about Itachi Uchiha and how he killed the Uchiha so many years ago, so how was it possible that someone from that clan hurt Sakura like that?! Both kunoichi’s were sitting on Sakura’s new couch in her new home and Ino had made sure to heal Sakura a little more. Her best friends inner wounds first had to heal completely before she’d finish her up and it would take up to five days until her friend would be healthy again. Physically healthy of course. She didn’t say more. Sakura couldn’t talk about it, telling Ino that was more than enough for this week. The blonde hold her hand in a firm grip, knowing that Sakura would need many more days, no months to come back to her senses. The pinkette didn’t ask for Sasuke even once. No, all she wanted was her daughter and her friends by her side, the pink haired beauty didn’t even ask Naruto if he had informed her husband. Because she already knew of course. The medical ninja barely talked at all, much less showed her well known, energetic smile. Her eyes still looked dull and empty and Ino hat the feeling that her soul was screaming, burning inside her like a raging, horrible inferno. “Sakura… Is he… in Konoha? Do we know him?” “No.”, she answered in a dark, heavy voice, her eyes full of bitterness. “Before I collapsed… I broke both his arms.” She voice was shaking a little, a mixture between sadness and angers was raging within her. “He got away before I could kill him. But… I made sure that he would take long to recover.” “Sakura… You..-” Ino wasn’t sure how to react. Working as a doctor, she knew many woman who had to go through sexual abuse but Sakura acted so differently. She was not like them at all. There were no tears nor did she scream or shout. Sakura barely really cried in front of anyone and that fact worried Ino to no end. However, Sakura threw up at least two times a day. It was horrible to watch and it happened in the most unexpected moments. The first time it happened when she cut her finger when she washed the dishes. The blood and the pain of the cut made her insides boil and before Ino knew it, her best friend ran to the toilet and started throwing up like crazy. The other time, Sakura was out with Naruto and Sarada eating ramen when suddenly the voice of ripped clothing echoed in her ears. Her hands were shaking like crazy, her green eyes wide in horror and her jaw hardened for she tried to stay calm. Sakura wanted to keep it back, to convince herself that everything was okay now… However, her body betrayed her and the pinkette ran out of the little restaurant and choked, throwing up the ramen she eat minutes ago. “Mama!” “Sakura-chan!” Immediately, Naruto hold her long, pink hair and Sarada stared in shock for seeing her mother like this terrified the young Uchiha. “Don’t worry… I’m just a little sick.”, she panted, forming a weak smile for Sarada and Naruto. “Come on… Let’s just go back before out meals get cold, okay?” Both, Naruto and Sarada weren’t given the chance to talk to her about it because Sakura tried to stay calm and collected so she could convince herself that everything would be okay again. . . . “Ino. Please tell Naruto about it. There’s another Uchiha who wants revenge for the slaughter of his clan.” Those were the last words of Uchiha Sakura and Ino knew that it would weeks for her to tell her more about the horrible incident. “Don’t worry, Ino. He… he couldn’t finish it.”, she suddenly said dark and  low, making the blonde medic widen her blue eyes in surprise. “Even if I had to sell my sanity, I didn’t let that bastard beat me.”, she snarled quietly, her eyes suddenly looked deadly and hateful which matched to her harsh voice. “I made him regret meeting me...” . . . .………………………………………..………………………………. “What?! Uchiha? You mean the person who hurt her was...-” “Yes. That person was from the Uchiha Clan.” Naruto and Kakashi looked at Ino in utter disbelieve, both hokage were totally shocked about those latest news. “No. This is impossible. Itachi made sure to-” “Obviously, he left out another one beside Sasuke.”, she interrupted the sixth hokage. “She didn’t speak much but Sakura was sure of it. That guy definitely is an Uchiha and he wants revenge.” “But why Sakura-chan?!”, the fox ninja raged. “She has nothing to to with the massacre, dammit! Why would that fucking bastard attack her and not me?!” It really didn’t make sense at all. Not only was Sakura a good person with an even better heart, she also was a part of the Uchiha Clan that guy apparently wanted to avenge. “We shouldn’t push her too much.”, Kakashi said with disappointed eyes. “I mean, she’s pretty tough. Ten days later and she even wants to start working again. I don’t know if I should admire her or worry more about her, really...” “She’s a horrible patient.”, Ino sighed heavily. “I told her that her body will need at least two weeks to recover and I know that she knows. But she is so stubborn.” “You know her.”, the masked ninja intoned. “She can’t live without her job. It’s like a drug and in her case also a… distraction.” A pregnant silence followed in which all three shinobi thought about Uchiha Sakura’s, who would take very long to become the woman she once was. “What about Sasuke? Please tell me he’ll come back, Naruto..!” Ino knew how intimate the relationship between Sasuke and Sakura was for she had seen the glances they shared when they thought no one was watching. Also, Sakura was a very compassionate person who would never marry someone who wasn’t as compassionate as her, regardless of the fact that Sasuke barely showed emotion in public. They shared their moments when they were alone, so much Ino knew. And she also knew that Sakura would feel better and definitely saver with her husband around! “He still hasn’t answered...”, Naruto replied brokenly, his patients was wearing thinner by each passing hour. “I know he takes time to answer but I thought… with Sakura-chan-” “That fucking bastard.”, Ino snarled angrily, her voice thick with fury. “Are you telling me that Sasuke hasn’t even sent aone single fucking letter?!” Naruto looked down, not able to look the blonde kunoichi in the eye. “I know this mission is important but I always thought that his wife and child would be his very first priority.”, Ino spat with venom in her voice. “And here I thought he’s changed. I thought my best friend would be in good hands after their mirage. I thought that the arrogant brat he once was became an honorable man with an absolute devotion to his family, dammit!”

“There must be an explanation, dattebayo-” “What explanation, Naruto?!”, Ino demanded harshly.

“That guy at least tried to force himself on her! I don’t know if or… how he did it but Sakura’s fucking traumatized! She cant eat, she has nightmares, she can’t sleep without Sarada, she throws up regularly… How much more does it take to make him come back?!” Even if it hurt, Kakashi and Naruto knew she was right. Ino was Sakura’s best friend and unlike her teammates, she was able to judge without feeling connected to the missing Uchiha. “She will leave him.”, the Yamanaka said. “She wants a divorce. And guys, you know how happy I was for them but… I will support Sakura with her decision. I won’t try to change her decision. I know how much safer a woman feels with her husband, no matter how strong we are. But Sakura deserves someone who loves her and sees her as his first priority.” Ino’s words were harsh and even if Naruto and Kakashi never wanted their comrades to go through a divorce… there was nothing they could argue about.

“Ino… Listen, I understand you better than you think. Don’t you think I’m not angry?” And Naruto was. The Seventh Hokage was furious and he couldn’t wait to find that son of a bitch and make him pay for what he did. “But Sasuke is my comrade and my best friend. And as long as there’s hope, I’m gonna believe in him, dattebayo. He would never cast his family aside, Sasuke is not that kind of person..!” “I agree.”, Kakashi said calmly who tried to believe in Sasuke even if the whole situation was kind of complicated. “We will support her, too. After all, she is a grown up woman and if she’s not happy with this mirage, then she’s more than free to annul it. Sarada’s old enough to understand and Sakura has a job and is a more than capable kunoichi. We just want her to be happy, that’s all.” And Kakashi knew that she would only find absolute happiness with Sasuke Uchiha by her side. “You better send that bastard another message, Naruto.”, Ino told him sternly. “Not like he cares, but let him know that Sakura will no longer be his wife. The only Uchiha aside him now is Sarada. Sakura, however, won’t be a married-single mother any more.” With those words, Ino just turned around and walked to the door, opening it and leaving both shinobis alone for she knew that the  members of Team 7 needed time to adjust to this new situation. And for many, many minutes both Naruto and Kakashi weren’t sure of what to say, really. “I’ll give him five days, Naruto.”, the jonin started talking and saw Naruto’s confused, unsure face looking at him. “Five days. Should he not come back to the village, I will look for him and tell him something he won’t be able to handle.” Telling him this, Kakashi turned around, his hand in his pocket and grabbing his book to bury his nose in it and the blonde Hokage knew why he did it. Kakashi Sensei was a person who reads when angry and to be honest, the fox ninja was kinda glad about that for he really didn’t need a blue Susano destroying this bulding. Sighing sadly, the hokage looked at the old Team 7 picture again, his eyes becoming more and more depressive due to the fact that his best friend still wouldn’t come back. “Five days, idiot.”, he whispered in a sad but hoping tone. “You have five days. Come back and make the best out of it, dattebayo...” . . . “Sakura-san! You look beautiful as ever, If I may say it like that!” A little smile touched her lips when she met Rock Lee. Sakura was just about to enter a super marked to buy a few things for dinner when she suddenly met the tai-jutsu expert who was just as lively as ever. “Thanks, Lee. You look well, too.”, she said friendly, however, her eyes still looked… sore. As if she’d been awake for several days. “Meeting you here was fate, Sakura-san. I was looking forward to seeing you off.” “You did?”, the pinkette asked incredulously. “Yes. Fate was on my side as it seems, so...” Suddenly, lots of white flowers were hold under her nose and the pinkette realized that the black haired jonin seemed to have bought that bundle of flowers for her. “Back then, when I was hospitalized after my fight with Gaara… You always bought me those white flowers. And seeing you sad and without any happiness made me realize how much I missed seeing you smile. You should cherish your youth and bloom like the baautiful flower you are!” Her eyes twitched and even though she should be happy, thankful and full of gratitude for having such nice friends, Sakura didn’t. She couldn’t. Because she was ashamed of Lee knowing… that about her, it pained her to know that everyone seemed to be aware of the latest events. Uchiha Sakura was a proud, strong and independent woman who never wanted to show any weakness to anyone. And now, after so many years of proving her worth, showing how strong she’d gotten… Everyone seemed to know about that horrible incident. It was humiliating and for a moment, the medic wanted to run away, bury herself in a hole and never come back. “Thanks… Lee, I ap-” ‘You’re mine...’ He heart stopped and her eyes widened at the voice hollowing inside her head. ‘No matter how strong you are, you will never forget about me, right Sakura..?’ Her eyes, her hand, her body, her heart, her very soul- Sakura’s whole being started shaking when that deep, threatening voice made her head pound like crazy, insane and horrible memories hit her like a hot jackhammer. “Sakura-san? Are you okay..?” Her knees gave away and a moment later, the pinkette was half kneeling, cold sweat started to cover her face, dripping over her forehead and cheeks. “Hey..! What happened-” Warning not to come closer, she raised her hand and made him understand that she needed to be alone, that she didn’t want anyone to be near her right know. The pink haired kunoichi looked like she’s just ran a marathon for she was panting like crazy, her eyes insane and dark at those gruesome memories. . . ‘Pathetic, little Sakura. Trying to be strong even when you know you’ll lose.’ ‘Shut up!’ ‘Come now. We both know I’m right. No one knows you’re here, no one will come to help you, no one will miss you when you’re dead.’ ‘NO! My friends- My husband-’ ‘What husband?’ That sinister, dark smirk would hunt her forever just like the words he spoke afterwards. ‘No one will save you when I make you mine...’ ‘SASUKEEEEEE!’ . . “Sakura-san? What happened..?!” “Don’t!” DON’T COME CLOSER! “Don’t… worry… I’m okay.” Don’t come. Don’t come, don’t come, please don’t come! “Lee-san… I-I need to go home. Sorry but… we’ll talk about everything next time, o-okay..?” Never in his life had Lee seen his pink haired friends so shaken, so… devastated. “But Sakura-san, you really should-” “I have to go..!” The tai-jutsu specialist looked with unsure, sad eyes at Sakura’s retreating back, hoping for her to find peace again soon. His friend was too nice, too sweet, too goodhearted to experience something like that. But unfortunately, there was nothing he could do about it. Nothing. Lee knew that the only one who could make her happy… -was Uchiha Sasuke. “I hope he’ll come back soon. Sakura-san needs him so much...” . . . In the darkest hours under the dim moonlight, a dark, cloaked shadow walked through the gates of Konoha-gakure. A man, a shinobi who made no single noise walked quietly, without sparing his surroundings a single glance because he just had one single, important thing to do. The roads were empty, no single civilian or shinobi was outside, only the dark haired man who walked faster than needed to finally reach his aim. He paid no attention to his bleeding wounds or the dark bruises that covered his body. No, even though he was in a pretty bad condition he continued walking, making sure to finally reach the place he was aiming for. The man was obviously impatient, nervous almost for he really was in a hurry right now. He needed to see them. Both of them. Sure, his face showed no emotion, his face was as calm and collected as always. However, he had this strange feeling in his chest that made his insides squirm but… It was impossible. There was nothing to worry about because this was Konoha-gakure, for god’s sake. But still, he could do nothing about that pang of angst surrounding his heart, that hidden fear he started feeling days ago was beginning to crush him. A shaky breath escaped his half parted lips whereas his palms felt sweatier with each passing second. “Dammit...” Why was he so nervous? Why did he feel so much angst and worry?! And since when did it take so fucking long to get to the Uchiha district..?! . . . With a heavily beating heart, his knuckles hit the door softly. The black haired shinobi knew the door was not locked, not to mention that he owned a key of course… But he secretly enjoyed the soft, cheerful smile of the pinkette, followed by the energetic, yearning hug of the youngest Uchiha girl. Yeah… Sasuke couldn’t wait, his heart arched for the most important people in his life. His family. The family he created himself, the family he always wanted, the family he loved more than everything in this world. The pain was nothing to the feeling of absolute excitement he held right now for it was too long since he last saw his family. But to his shock, they didn’t open the door. Not even after the third time he knocked and Sasuke’s angst and nervousness grew and grew. Thinking that they might’ve felt asleep, he opened the door himself and was greeted by dark silence that felt uncharacteristically cold. His home was never cold. Whenever he came back, whenever he was with them, Sasuke never felt cold. Never. But right now… it was freezing. For the first time in his life his house was cold, making the heart under his chest even heavier. “Sakura?”, he called his wife’s name, walking through his home and opened the door of his daughter’s room. “Sarada..?” No one was there. Both of them were gone… But why? He was sure they weren’t out for it was far too late for that. Maybe Sakura was working and Sarada stayed at Ino’s or Naruto’s? Or were mother and daughter camping and relaxing for a couple days? . . . “Well, well. I see, you finally had the decency to come back, huh?” Too engrossed in his thoughts, the Uchiha hadn’t noticed the sudden presence of his silver haired sensei who looked at him with dark… reproachful eyes. Sasuke felt kinda weird for Kakashi always seemed so happy when he saw him after such a long time of being apart. After all, his sensei was the closest thing to a father he had so… why did Kakashi look at him like he broke the rules? “Kakashi.”, was his low, calm greet. “Where are they?” A heavy silence followed in which the dark haired Uchiha felt like hell waiting for his sensei’s answer. Kakashis eyes were unforgiving, his posture usually calm but… he seemed stiff. No, he looked really tense. Just what was going on here, why did everything feel so… off? Patting his shoulder was the first thing Kakashi always does so.. why did he look so upseat? “They are save.”, Kakashi simply answered whereas Sasuke’s gaze twitched. Save? Why shouldn’t they be? “I know you are pretty injured but I will still tell you one thing about Sakura, Sasuke.” The Uchiha swallowed, sweat was dripping from his throat for right know… he had the feeling that Kakashi was going to say something that would wreck his world. . . . “Your wife no longer wants to be with you.” . . . :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: Part 4: https://fifi-uchiha.tumblr.com/post/171460831574/he-wasnt-there-4 Weeeeell, that escalated quickly. ^^ But okay, I’m not sure how you guys will react but… yeah. This ff won’t be long at all, this is merely a little practice for one of my ‘main ffs’ that are to come :D So, I hope you liked it even if it was a little boring. Stay tuned and enjoy your weekend ^.^

[jejemonmon]

Analysis + Semi-Theory: Zen's relationships with other people (including the RFA)

Yo, so this has been on my mind for a while and I just had to share my thoughts with you, because you made a post before about Rika that had some similar points and I wanted to add on to that.

You know how Rika made had a “connection” with each RFA member (aside from Jaehee) that made them agree to join the RFA and caused them to be so torn up about her “death” and just generally really affected by her in every way?

Logically speaking, Zen should have been just as impacted by her as Yoosung, Jumin, and Saeyoung and really emotionally distraught and traumatized by her “death” as a result. She sought him out, she was his earliest fan when no one else was, she attempted to made him successful and give him a “family” with the RFA.

But he always kind of avoided her. He sidestepped and rejected her help and friendship most of the time. He even declined to join the RFA at first, as I recall someone saying in one of the chat rooms. He only joined once V saved his life. Even when the game starts and also throughout the game, Zen always keeps the rest of the RFA at an arms distance, save for V, who he allowed to get up to his elbow, so to speak, because he saved Zen’s life and gained some of his trust. He doesn’t seem to act like his true self at all around most of the RFA. No one really knew anything about his past until MC shows up.

It’s just really interesting and weird to me. People always brush Zen off as being “less important” than the other RFA members, and that just makes me roll my eyes. Honestly, him deliberately keeping himself somewhat disconnected from Rika made me like him more. Because while some people really liked the bigger overarching plot, it wasn’t what I signed up for when I decided to play an otome game. (I prefer the universe theories about the game itself and Zen knowing he’s in a game and Seven and V and the wizards and etc.) I wanted to learn and fall in love with the individual characters themselves and not groan and roll my eyes every time the convoluted plot got in the way and took up time and then boom you and the character you’re pursuing magically decide to share deep feelings for each other with little to no buildup or progression of said feelings. At least that’s how it is during the excessively plot-smothered Deep Routes, which just felt like a hot mess tbh.

I got off on a slight tangent there. But I always think of Zen as someone who was able to see through Rika’s bullshit at least somewhat and didn’t become so overly attached and emotionally invested in her. (That’s one reason why the secret ends felt so OOC to me. Zen would have never just settled for being kept in the dark by Jumin, Seven, and Jaehee, and while he’s impulsive, he’s too detached from Rika to want to send her away. Although that might be the “white knight” in him who always feels like he has to speak out and protect the oppressed. Idk.) Zen was always the one who, while emotional and hotheaded, actually reacted like a sane person should in some of the extreme situations - the bomb, Jumin keeping MC in his apartment, V keeping secrets, forcing a stranger to jump into a dead girl’s job without thinking of how she feels, etc. The rest of the RFA is so blinded by Rika that they ignore logic most of the time and do things that don’t make sense because “it’s what Rika would have wanted”. They’re so caught up in this dead girl’s charity organization that has itself basically become super shady and conspiratorial, ignoring a lot of things that are so obviously sketchy and borderline illegal. And yes, I’m including Jumin, Mr. “I’m so logical”, who threatens the MC if she doesn’t agree to join the RFA and also declares she’s useless and obsolete if she doesn’t fulfill Rika’s duties. Like, jeez, mob boss much? He basically is one in every way except for official title.

So back to my main point. I think people tend to overlook how emotionally isolated Zen is from the rest of the RFA, something that he probably did deliberately. He doesn’t really like anyone in the RFA, except for V, and he mentions that a lot. He never believes that any concern or help that the RFA gives him is genuine. He doesn’t believe Jaehee is actually his fan, he doesn’t think Seven was actually trying to help him out (he thinks Seven was just being goofy and his weird trolling self), and the whole debacle with Jumin which everyone knows about so I’m not gonna go into (and tbh I still question Jumin’s sincerity and motive other than personal and financial gain bc Zen would owe him, so I don’t blame Zen for thinking the same way). He doesn’t believe anyone could actually care about him. He only knocks down some of his walls and lets V in a little bit because V fucking saved his life. But other than that, Zen has isolated himself so much emotionally that he hasn’t formed real relationships with any of the RFA members except V, nor does he really trust them, like them, or consider them friends. He doesn’t open up to them, and he keeps on the same mask that he shows to everyone else. He can’t afford to let anyone in, because they’ll just reject and betray him like his family.

Think about it too - Zen doesn’t really have any friends outside of the RFA either, like at all, save for a few people from his biker gang days, who I doubt he was his complete and true self around either. He’s super independent and relies only on himself, because that’s the only person he has. But he’s so desperate for affection and validation, which is why he seems desperate for a girlfriend yet simultaneously rejects so many people who are interested in him under the guise of focusing on work. When in reality, and he’s said this and there’s proof from VN flashbacks and in game events, that no one has actually treated Zen like a real person, or tried to understand him enough to warrant him opening up to them, except for V and the MC. That’s why he falls for the MC so fast, because she treats him unlike anyone else has before, like a person, and actually cares about what he wants. (Remember, V lies and keeps a lot of things from Zen, but Zen’s less torn up about it because while he trusts V more than the rest of the RFA, he hadn’t completely opened up to him, so he saves himself from some amount of emotional hurt.) The RFA may mean well, but they ultimately grossly misunderstand Zen, try to force what they think he should do on him, and treat him either like he’s an object on a pedestal or just too dumb to fully grasp or contribute meaningfully to a situation.

Basically, people don’t give Zen enough credit, and they brush him off as a background character with a shallow personality. There’s so many obvious things Cheritz has given us to showcase more of Zen’s character and personality, but the fans either make fun of him for it or call him annoying because of it. He’s super intuitive and guarded and I can definitely understand why he never completely bonded with the RFA. I love them, but quite frankly, they consistently fail to treat Zen like a person and don’t care about what he ultimately wants, but rather what they want from him. He protects himself from getting hurt by never getting completely emotionally invested in these people and reminding himself that they’ll probably all let him down someday. Which they do. No one actually sees Hyun Ryu, instead of ZEN, save for V and the MC.

This is really good analysis and oh my goodness way more than I could ever do. I never really thought about it this way.

While I mostly agree, I think some points should be open to discussion.

I personally feel like the RFA members treated him like a real friend, family, but the connection wasn’t there because of Zen. They were open to him, but he wasn’t open to them. That contributed to all the misunderstandings they had, so in that sense I don’t feel like I could ever blame them for how they treated him at times.

I also don’t recall Jumin ever threatening MC or saying those things to her, but maybe that’s just my bad memory. There’s many more I can say about that, but I think those who know his character better can explain it more substantially than me. I wouldn’t want to spout inaccurate information about him.

As for the fact that we don’t give Zen enough credit, I must agree. Although, since the April Fools DLC, more and more people have grown fond of him. I’ve been receiving messages from people saying how they’ve grown to appreciate Zen more after they realised this and that from my theories. So it’s definitely getting better, I’d say. I think overall, it’s really up to people’s types. Even before I had realised all this, I already liked Zen because I liked how romantic and caring he was. Others like Yoosung because of how cute and innocent he is. It’s the same for the other characters. And people see Zen as annoying because well, letms admit it he can be at times!

As I have said previously, all of the characters are complex. I chose to closely analyse Zen, and so have you, and that’s why we really love him. On the surface, he seems like just a romantic, narcissistic guy. I can’t blame anyone for not liking him. Same goes for the other characters. If I analysed their character more, I’d probably end up falling for them too, and that’s what others did, and that’s why they like who they like.

Thank you so much for submitting this. You wrote so much and you had a lot of valid points. Though this is as deep as I can go with my opinions because I’m currently rushing through a lot of work, I hope that you guys can also give your two cents on this. Reblog/Reply! Let’s start a discussion :D

[ua-monoma]

monoma:

@s-inasa hey. it's Monoma

Inasa:

Oh hello!! How are you doing Monoma?

monoma:

I'm alright. long day haha

Thanks again for all this

Inasa:

Hey relax! I should be the one thanking you

Its been some...lonely, weird recovery weeks

monoma:

Oh...? sorry to hear that

I get that though

it's a weird situation

Inasa:

I still don't get it, to this day, what the fuck happened.

I knew I was gonna be rejected.

But the girl's quirk was brutal anyway.

monoma:

... yeah.

I can clear it up for you a little bit right now, if you'd like.

I was hit by it too (I don't know if you remember hearing that at the hospital) so I've got... experience with it.

Inasa:

That so? I don't remember much of the waiting room. The pain meds made me sluggish.

Tell me about your experience!

monoma:

Ah

Now? ... ok

... I feel like with every person it's just really different, I guess....

and, I guess, I was having a really rough time with my emotions, so. they grew really slowly at first. I thought they were kind of just a rash at first? and then some sort of weird welts, I dunno.

they were really hard to take out, too... really hard. kind of impossible tbh...

Inasa:

Mine were hard too. It hurt like...ever had to take blood from the back of your hand? That hurts a lot.

But they didn't grow slowly

They just. Sprouted everywhere

And fast

That bug girl really didn't want to help me at first. I was terrified.

monoma:

At least she helped you. I had to find out from someone else what was even happening

it is scary though.

Inasa:

I still have nightmares of...dull, bored looking fly eyes and flowers coming out of my chest like nails.

monoma:

hah....

I get nightmares too.

Inasa:

I remember...after the surgery

Every time I tried eating something I'd throw up.

monoma:

Oh wow

Inasa:

Like their roots were still there

Yeah. But ! I'm okay now right!? Thats what matters in the end!

monoma:

... that's really scary

... idk

I had the surgery too, but I think they fucked up somehow because it's not... completely gone...

I haven't told anyone that yet though so. Don't go blurting that around. I'm gonna get it handled.

And I'm not trying to scare you in saying that, I'm just... mentioning.

Um. How do you feel? .. Emotionally?

Taking them out is supposed to... affect you... and I've noticed that, to some extent, but, like I said, it's not completely gone for me...

Inasa:

They came back?? Oh no...

Um. In what sense?

In towards...towards Todoroki?

monoma:

... is that who the flowers were reacting to... ah.

Yes

ah. Sort of the same way, really slowly. I had a lot of chest pains for a while and I guess I just didn't connect it to what had happened... And I don't think my surgery was nearly as extensive/invasive as yours.

............................. I guess the only difference is maybe they're more internal now than before... I didn't really think about it?

Kind of trying not to.

Inasa:

You should get that removed, Monoma.

Before they grow violent like mine did.

monoma:

Yeah. I know that.

Like I said, I'm handling it.

Anyway, you and Todoroki.

Inasa:

...yes?

monoma:

...

I mean, what's that feel like? Do you feel better? Or... anything, really? Towards him?

Inasa:

...have you ever felt hollow?

Like there's a void inside your chest?

That's how I feel about him now... its weird.

And I don't like it.

I like..him. as a friend.

Feeling nothing is disturbing.

monoma:

Ah. Just like that?

Just... instantly, huh?

Interesting.

Inasa:

It's just.

I knew he was going to reject me.

He likes a girl after all, hah. He's dating that girl.

So even before I heard it from him I had been preparing myself for it.

Besides, I'm the kind of guy who instantly forgives people?

That might have helped.

monoma:

Would it have though

I think, if there's anything to learn from this mess, it's that you can't just logic emotions away like that...

Doesn't matter if you were prepared. It was still gonna hurt.

Inasa:

You're right...

monoma:

... Forgiveness is an interesting thing to bring up right now

Inasa:

Why?

monoma:

Because... in this case, who would you have been trying to forgive? Todoroki?

... Maybe that's an odd question.

Inasa:

Yeah?

Anyone would get mad at being rejected.

And uh. Especially going through a traumatic experience.

But I knew it wasnt on him.... just on me.

So whatever resentment I could be having I forgave and tried to move on.

monoma:

I see...

Inasa:

Yeah. That's where I'm at today!

...You know Monoma.

monoma:

Hm

?

Inasa:

My senpai, Shishikura. He tried to stop us from chatting.

I dont get it.

You're nice.

monoma:

Ah. Yes, he approached me too about that.

Haha

Thank you

Inasa:

Dont thank me! Its just what it is

I don't understand.

monoma:

I'm thanking you because I haven't heard that in a while.

There's.. been a lot of rumors going on about me, that's all.

He might have heard them.

I don't know what kind of things he said to you...

... I am glad you disregarded them though. At least, enough for us to text like this.

Inasa:

Rumors suck.

monoma:

Yep haha

Inasa:

He said some mean stuff

And that you want to sleep with me.

monoma:

oh goddamnit

Inasa:

But uh. If that's the case I haven't realized yet

monoma:

that wasn't my intention. in this conversation. at all.

again, rumors. of my apparent harlotry.

eveyrone here thinks i'm a slut now and i guess that's spread over to your school too, which is just great.

Inasa:

Oh. Why is that??

monoma:

probably because i act like one.

Inasa:

Well.

That's mean.

You don't act like one at least towards me

monoma:

i'm mean to myself. bad habit

Inasa:

Besides what's wrong with sex?

monoma:

... nothing..

Inasa:

Yeah!

I guess people are just mean. They used to be mean about my height, now they're mean because I got the license late and that i got it as a first year...

monoma:

Well that's just ridiculous

And that's just honestly jealousy

Like, I've heard about you and I've heard about the things you can do. They just hate that you can do them all and you can't

Inasa:

Thank you!

And I apologize for my senpai's behavior!

I'm sure he doesn't really mean it, whatever he's thinking of...

monoma:

I think he does. But I'll try not to be too bothered about it

like I said, it wasn't my intention for the conversation.

... and even if it was, it wouldn't really be his business anyway.

no offense to him. of course

I just really didn't appreciate how he went about all this.

Inasa:

He's a smart guy but. Sometimes he lets his emotions get the better of him.

I remember how scary he looked when he learned that I got rejected. Almost like he wanted to kill Todoroki.

He's protective.

monoma:

I see

Well, he has no reason to be. We're obviously getting along...

Hopefully that kind of thing won't continue...

Inasa:

I hope so too!

About your flowers. Your feelings for whoever they were ...

Are they there?

monoma:

What do you mean, there?

... I still feel for him, if that's what you're talking about

Inasa:

Yeah that.

Ah.

monoma:

I suppose it's a little different now.

I don't...

I try not to think about it too much.

... I really don't like them. The flowers.

Or... feeling, I guess.

Trying to ignore them is what got it so bad last time, so I'm sort of trying to embrace them now...

Inasa:

Why dont you like the feeling? Are you scared?

If so, i get that. Im scared too of having a small crush.

monoma:

... yeah

it's.. really complicated? a little...

Inasa:

Well

If you want someone non judgemental to hear

I'm here! :-)

monoma:

Err.. maybe a little. I don't wanna take up too much of your time,,,

Inasa:

Its fine!

monoma:

ok...

........... that bug bitch kind of hit a bunch of us with her quirk, so it kind of....

It's making everything weird

Inasa:

Oh...

Weird how

monoma:

Well

Everyone can look at your flowers and just make assumptions, right? Based on the color or what's associated with them

And having your own out in the open is bad enough...

... but then you see others, with theirs, and...

I dunno.

I don't like it.

Inasa:

You care about these people. Thats normal!

monoma:

,,,

I guess,,

Inasa:

It'd kill me to see people I like in pain.

monoma:

yeah...

I don't like seeing that on people. like, if I say something, and suddenly, more of those flowers pop up...

Especially knowing what they can do...

And I guess I can't help but associate those feelings with the flowers. I know without the quirk they're not nearly as dangerous... but aren't they?

eh.

Inasa:

I don't know a lot, honestly.

monoma:

mm.

Inasa:

But I understand you

monoma:

oh

... cool

Inasa:

:-)

monoma:

hahaha

:)...

Inasa:

Anytime you need someone to talk to about this

Or anything else

You can talk to me!

monoma:

haha

thanks

You're really friendly lol. it's a nice change

Inasa:

I get the overfriendliness comment a lot!

This time its appreciative so its good

monoma:

I didn't say overfriendly haha it's the perfect amount, I guess

Glad you appreciate it though :P

Inasa:

😄

monoma:

hehe

... obviously the same to you though

especially since you're still in recovery... it doesn't have to be as lonely anymore, maybe

Inasa:

Hey thank you! I talk to my senpai a lot in this recovery period. Someone else would be fun!

monoma:

Haha... fun is definitely one word for it

Inasa:

How would you put it?

monoma:

Ah.... idk,,,,,

It's....exciting, I guess

It's also just a depressing topic haha, so...

Inasa:

It is.

I don't like to remember how it basically took a part of me away

monoma:

... It basically did. Yeah.

It sucks...

Inasa:

...are you scared of loving?

After what happened?

monoma:

Ah... in what way are you thinking?

Because I'm scared of a lot.

I kind of would have been fine with just...losing the capacity for love after this. Because it was all so much. But... I guess... it kind of made me ready for the scarier aspects of it

Or maybe I just like the fear?

... I've been told I'm a bit of a masochist, haha...

Inasa:

In the way. In the way I have a small crush but I'm terrified to act upon it

monoma:

Oh.....

Inasa:

I wouldn't like to lose the ability to love. Love moves us you know? Hot blood on the veins and passion!!

But its. Too early

I mean I had the crush before, just a bit.

monoma:

"Hot blood" hahaha

Take your time, then...?

You have the time, at least...

You don't have to rush into it. You're still getting over Todoroki, technically.... and it'd be better for both of you

Inasa:

You dont have time though

monoma:

...

Inasa:

Your flowers.

monoma:

... are being handled

Inasa:

But dont you like someone? The someone they're for?

monoma:

Yes...

Inasa:

...do they not like you?

Like Todoroki doesn't like me?

monoma:

Um. ... no, I think they like me. Maybe.

I mean, not maybe,, they do. They've...mentioned it, I mean,,

Inasa:

W H A T ??????

monoma:

Wh-what,

Inasa:

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

THEN WHAT THE

WHAT ARE YOU DOING ??

monoma:

,,,

Inasa:

YOU GOTTA FIX THIS BY TELLING THEM!

monoma:

but im scared,,

Inasa:

You have no idea what I wouldn't give to not have had the surgery!

You have no idea what I would have sacrificed for him to love me back!

You have your chance right in front of you!

monoma:

,,,,it's more complicated than that,,

he already left me once, idk if I can,,

I mean, I do plan on,,,

I was just, waiting, ah, until the time was right...??

Inasa:

You're.

You saw me. That day.

What did i look like ?

I dont know exactly. I just had my point of view.

monoma:

Uh

You're what I have the most nightmares about. Haha

You just... looked like you were in agony, sort've... it was like monstrous

Inasa:

That's. That's because he didn't love me.

You say your guy does!

monoma:

...a little

Inasa:

A little is better than nothing!

Even if its corresponded by a LITTLE you won't have to go through what i did!

monoma:

Okay...

sorry

I know I'm stupid about this...

Inasa:

You're scared.

Its okay to be scared

BUT

If you need a hand to hold through this I'm here!

You saw what I have been through

I don't want that...demonic quirk affecting anyone else

monoma:

Yeah ... me neither...

Inasa:

...tell the guy.

monoma:

Okay...

Inasa:

No, really tell him

You're nice, Monoma!

You dont deserve surgery nor what I went through

Avoid heartbreak.

monoma:

Okay. Okay. I'll try to.

... there's reasons why I haven't, but I know those are excuses, so I'll. really try. okay.

sorry

Inasa:

If you need me to help, I will!

In any way I can!

monoma:

... thanks.

Thank you.

um, yeah... I'll let you know then

Inasa:

Okay!

[emiliachrstine]

if they do end up killing steve in the movies, how will jackie react to it?

Ohhhhhh boy. I’m gonna put this under read more because I don’t know how long this is gonna be

Okay. So this is all based on IF they kill Steve in any of the future films. And knowing that Steve does die in the comics, I’m fairly positive they will be following this same path (but i could be dead wrong). 

But Jackie will literally be a wreck. I don’t know how they’ll kill off Steve (if they do). If it’s during some kind of battle, then Jackie will obviously witness the whole thing. And that will evidently traumatize her. In the few days following his death, she’s almost like a zombie: completely numb, in denial and running on autopilot. She hardly gets any sleep and stays up late hours thinking about what could have been. Steve’s funeral is one of the worst days of her life. She doesn’t talk to anyone. The only thing she wants to do is get through the event as quick as possible. But, Tony stands by her side the entire time.

After the funeral, she secludes herself away and shuts out everyone. She doesn’t answer any calls, ignores when Tony, Sharon or any of the others knock on her door. She wants nothing to do with them. But, after a few weeks, Sharon becomes persistent and Jackie eventually lets her in. Sharon becomes the go-to for the others to know how Jackie’s doing. But, with encouragement from Sharon, Jackie slowly emerges back into reality. Starts talking to the others and goes out for walks. She starts taking baby steps. 

Then, Jackie finds out she’s pregnant.

This sends her back on a downward spiral. It’s such a huge surprise and shock to her system, she literally doesn’t know how to handle it and almost goes through a full mental breakdown. She ends up going to Gabby’s brother, Michael, who is a psychiatrist, to seek treatment for the trauma she’s experienced from this whole ordeal. During one of their sessions, she admits to him that at certain times, she feels like she doesn’t even want the baby. She feels like it’s completely unfair that she loses Steve, who never got a chance to know she was pregnant, and in return, she has to carry a new life while she’s still grieving. It makes no sense to her. 

It’s really only after she gives birth to her daughter that it all gets better. She was now a mother and her daughter needs her more than anything. It becomes a life raft for her to hang on to. And, Jackie also formulates a motto of her own. There was a way to honor Steve. She thought that if she could raise her daughter to be the kind of person that Steve would want her to be, a person Steve would be proud of, then that will be it. That will be her revenge on the world for taking him away from her.

I know that a lot of this probably is a little off track, but I have been thinking about this a lot and I had to include it all.