#of bisexuality or even homosexuality really I just couldn’t fully grasp it

[seilon]

having the sudden realization that the suite life (+ on deck) put me through a bisexual crisis way before i fully considered not being straight and i just. chose to ignore it

[highonchocolate]

Take Two: The Guardian in Gotham Chapter 12

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He’s a little boy again, laughing and racing through the halls of the Mansion, surrounded by the auburn warmth and love of his mother. Her green eyes, so similar to his own, sparkle down at him as she smiles. He reaches out for her, beaming hopefully, but as soon as he touches her, she crumbles, form blurring and fading. The warmth around him vanishes with her, and then he is alone. Stuck in the cold, silent, Mansion, a gilded cage for him to perform like an exhibit on display. He almost never catches a glimpse of his father, seeing more of Nathalie than him. Piano, fencing, Mandarin, photoshoots, the never ending cycle of activities goes on and on. He is a puppet, a doll. Dancing to their tune. He meets Ladybug, bounding across the rooftops, and the warmth sparks anew. It’s a different kind of heat, red, not the oranges and yellows of before, but still bright. He jokes and laughs, and keeps quiet to preserve the peace. Then, their identities are revealed and his world comes crashing down again. Chloé tells him about sexual harassment, screaming at him for being such an asshole to Mari, and he feels the familiar, numbing, cold creeping up his spine. What had he done?! He...had done… He goes to Ladybug-Marinette-and gets on his knees and apologizes. He apologizes for being too loud as Chat and too quiet as Adrien. He apologizes for not being there, for leaving her struggling in both aspects of her life, just so he could keep the warmth a little longer. But she smiles at him, and says they’ll work on it, and the fire blazes anew. He still loves her, but not in the same way. She is his sister, his sibling, someone to care for, and protect. She is not his lover, but his friend, and somehow, that's all he ever wanted.

--- He opens his eyes with a nostalgic smile on his lips. His eyes are wet, and he tastes salt on his tongue. He reaches out to his other half, his family, and she reaches back, grabbing him in a tight embrace. He hears the green hero telling him he’s not an enemy, but he ignores him, clutching Marinette like a lifeline. As Chloe steps forward, he loosens his hug, keeping his arm around her shoulders instead and turns to watch. She saw how they cried, relieving whatever horrific memories they had been subjected to. As she squeezed her eyes shut, blackness enveloping her, she couldn’t help but feel the familiar tingle of fear wrapping around her like a cloak. --- She is five again, watching as Mommy and Daddy scream at each other. Mommy’s mouth is open in a snarl, and Chloé can’t help but think she looks like a scary monster from her bedtime stories. The one that eats people. Seven years old, and every day they’re yelling at each other, screaming and shouting mean words in the other room. She hears Mommy say ‘This was all a mistake!’ And she huddles under her blankets, pulling Mr. Cuddly closer to her chest. She hears a door slam, and her Mommy is marching away to the helicopter, and there are suitcases being loaded inside. She sees her yellow suitcase is not in the pile, and Daddy is still standing on the roof, not in the helicopter. Her heart skips a beat and she clutches Mr. Cuddly even tighter as she stands beside Daddy and watches Mommy fly away. Does Mommy not love me anymore? She is eight and her Daddy is running for Mayor. He’s too busy to spend time with her, so he buys her a phone to say sorry. She takes it, but there is a weird feeling in her chest, like something is missing, and it doesn’t disappear as she sits alone in her room, playing some mindless game. Nine, ten, eleven, twelve. Daddy spends less and less time with her, buying more and more gifts to try and make up for his absence. The gifts fill her room, but they don’t fill the empty space in her heart. Sabrina tries, but Chloé knows she doesn’t really like her. She’s only doing it because Chloé gives her gifts too. Then Marinette comes along, and Chloé feels her hatred grow. How come her parents spend time with her?! What makes her so special? ... Why don’t my parents spend time with me? So she huffs and bullies and wraps herself in a cloak of thorns, keeping everyone at arms distance so that she won’t be let down and left alone again. She has Adrien, of course, but she knows she is using him. And he lets her use him, moving through the motions like a doll. 

Then Ladybug soars through the sky, catching her as she plummets from Stoneheart’s grasp, high above. Bright blue eyes and signature red, and Chloé watches from below as she flies, wishes and dreams kept secreted away in her heart. 

She finds Pollen’s comb, and suddenly her wildest dreams have sprang to life. She is a superhero! She can stand beside Ladybug and Chat Noir, and everyone will love her and her parents will be proud, and maybe now they’ll stay…But Ladybug is mad, and everyone hates her, and she knows Mommy Mother is already disappointed. So she carves a wall of ice and frost around her heart, and wraps her thorned cloak tighter around herself.

And then a Miracle happens, and Ladybug forgives her, and adds her to the team permanently. And they reveal their identities, and she apologizes to Marinette and Adrien because she knows she was wrong, and they give her a second chance. 

And her heart is racing and she can’t hear properly because the only thing she can understand now is the simple thought running through her brain over and over.

Permanently? They’re staying? I’m staying? They won’t leave me..?

And they are a family now, and she is loved, and there is Kagami, looking at her with that knowing glint in those deep brown eyes, reaching over to pull her into the warmth of her arms, and finally, finally, that empty space is full again. 

---

She saw the familiar darkness of her closed eyelids again, signaling the mind search was over, but she kept them shut for a moment longer, savoring the memories, the love. Only, she didn’t need to savor them, she remembered, because they were right here.

And so she opened her eyes, and saw her friends standing right there, arms already outstretched to pull her into their comforting embrace. Grinning, she let two sparkling tears roll down her cheeks. Only two, for the childhood she never fully had, and the family she finally found. 

Kagami was a creature of discipline, and as she closed her eyes, she willed her breath to stay even, her heart to continue its pulse, and her hands to remain steady. 

---

“Again!” Her mother’s harsh demand cracked through the air like a whip, sending ice skittering down her spine. Her face stung from where it had scraped on the concrete, it’s cold temperature soothing her scratched skin. Her arms trembled, refusing to bear her weight as she struggled to push herself up in time to block the next blow from her mother’s boken. With a grunt, she parried and thrust, only to fall flat on her back with a grunt.

“Again!”

A whirl of movement, then her knee screamed with pain-

“Again!”

She stood on shaky feet, raising her foil, only to get knocked down seconds later.

“Again!”

“Again!”

“Again!”

So she rose, and she fell, and she rose again.

Nothing she gave was ever enough. She bled, and she cried, and she worked herself to collapse, only to be rewarded with another training session, harsher criticism, and higher standards for her to meet. Nothing she did was ever enough. She was weighed down by the expectations of her mother.

And then she met Adrien, and she knew they were only forced together for their parent’s benefit, but how she longed for his love. For any love.

So she told herself she loved him, and he loved her, ignoring how she felt nothing as she looked into his eyes. She knew she was stubborn, and had a tendency to do things on her own, but even after she messed up as Ryuko Ladybug gave her a second chance.

It was...surprising to say the least. She had expected a scolding, and harsh, cutting, words, but instead she had revived another try, and words of encouragement. She felt a smile tug her lips upward, as she stood and charged into battle. And then, to her surprise, she was given a permanent place on her team. They never expected her to work herself to exhaustion, they accepted what she gave, only pushing her gently. And it was after their identity reveal, when they were talking about romance, and crushes, and that sort of thing did she realize she wasn’t messed up.

“Well, I’m totally bi,” Marinette giggled from where she lounged on a nearby chaise.

“Really? Nice. I’m lesbian as fuck.” Chloé spoke as she braided her hair.

“Ay, it’s a fellow gay!” Luka called from his seat on the floor.

“Aro and Demiace over here my people!” Adrien exclaimed, throwing up peace signs.

“Lesbian? Bi? What do those mean?” Kagami asked from her perch on the bed.

“Oh! Well bisexual is basically me liking men and women, lesbian means you’re a woman that only likes women, gay is a man that only likes men, and aromantic means you feel no romantic attraction towards someone, and demisexual means you need to form a strong emotional connection with someone before experiencing sexual attraction.” Marinette explained.

“Oh,” Kagami frowned in thought. “So it’s not..bad to like other women?” 

“Of course not!” Chloé exclaimed, looking scandalized at the thought.

Her friends had taken it well.

Her mother, however, did not. Although most Japanese were okay with homosexuality, Tomoe Tsurugi wanted a biological heir to continue their bloodline.

“You’re just confused, Kagami. This is why I don’t like you spending time with those friends of yours. They talk about all these things, and suddenly you start thinking that you are like...that. Stop this foolishness at once.”

She hadn’t raised her voice, but the disdain was clear in her tone. And with those words, the fragile shell of joy she had built around herself shattered in the face of rejection.

She opened her eyes, feeling as though someone had reopened her scars and left the wounds bare and bleeding on display.

Her eyes were dry, and the salt of tears was not present on her lips, but she felt bad though she had cried for hours. With a small shudder, she grabbed Chloé’s hand and allowed herself to be pulled into a warm embrace.

And then it was Luka’s turn, and there was no hint of nervousness on his face as he closed his eyes.

---

Scenes burst to life behind his eyelids in a flash of color and sound. He was five again, creeping down the hallway on their boat in the direction of the muffled sobbing emanating from his mother’s cabin. “Maman?” He questions uncertainly, pushing open the door and allowing a thin ray of light to shine on his mother’s tear-streaked face. “Maman are you okay?”

Anarka’s head jerked up at his voice, hands coming up to wipe at her cheeks.“I’m fine, baby. Mama’s just feeling a little sad today. Why don’t you go play with Jules, huh?”

“Okay Maman. I love you!” He walks back to his room on small feet, knowing even then, that his mother’s sadness stemmed from larger problems. Six years old and he still struggles with speaking to other kids. Miss Adeline says he’s just shy, but he isn’t. It’s just hard to find the right words to use. 

So he uses music to speak, and in every strum of his guitar there is a word; in every measure, a sentence; every song is an expression, an exclamation, a lament, that conveys more than words ever could.

He still struggles with the words sometimes, and he focuses on all his friends too much, so sometimes he forgets to focus on himself. But that’s okay, because everyone tells him to be empathetic, and put other people’s needs before his own, so that’s what he does.

And then Ladybug asks him to be Viperion, and he can’t say no. So he accepts, and watches time and time again as his friends and family die before his very eyes, bodies slack, eyes unseeing, blood everywhere. But he knows she can’t bear this burden alone, so he keeps marching on. 

And on.

And on.

He opens his eyes to the still-haunted faces of his friends, looking at him with concern.

He gives them a smile to assure them he is fine, he is not and then turns to Martian Manhunter with a polite expression on his face. “Now that we’re all cleared, what’s next?”

---

@laurcad123, @liquid-luck-00, @toodaloo-kangaroo, @stainedglassm

[purplesurveys]

561

You struggle to walk in heels. Nah, I love heels. Even if a certain pair is a bitch to wear, I’d try to power through and I’d wanna look like I’m killing it wearing them. You talk on the phone a lot. Yes, but with just Gab. We call each other up most days. You consider yourself to be pretty extroverted. I can be! Getting to college definitely taught me how to like talking to people more and I have no problem with initiating conversations or doing small talk these days. I’d consider myself like 90% extroverted; the remaining 10% is for those times I still prefer to have all to myself, which is a part of me I know I’ll never lose. You know how to sew. Nah, home ec lessons can fuck right off. I’ll leave the sewing and crocheting skills to my girlfriend. You know how to play a woodwind instrument. Does the recorder count? I mean I think almost everyone can play it as it’s a super basic instrument, but still.

You swear a lot. It’s a habit. I do choose the people I swear around though; I wouldn’t do it in front of kids or with people I’m not necessarily close with. You're a smoker. I vape. You're allergic to penicillin. I dunno. I’ve never been exposed to it, I think. Someone in your immediate family is in a wheelchair. No, no one from my extended family either. You play a lot of video games. I watch a lot of playthroughs, but I don’t play them myself because I am just terrible at them. You've never been on a train. I’ve been on a train once, and it was for an assignment and someone was with me the whole time. It was at a dead hour too, so I didn’t really get the full experience of riding a train in the Philippines. You don't like raisins. I HATE RAISINS You're not a very romantic person. I’m very conscious about PDA but I can be affectionate in many other ways. You're homosexual or bisexual. Am neither. There was one point I believed I was bi, but in the end it all boiled down to me being demisexual. Beer is your alcoholic beverage of choice. Fuuuuuuuuuuuck beer, and I’ll never get tired of saying that. Your favourite colour to wear is red. I look good in red but it’s not really my favorite color to wear. You've talked someone out of suicide. No. I wouldn’t want to be put in that situation either; not because I wouldn’t want to help, but because I’m unfit myself and I wouldn’t know if the things I would say would be helpful or just do more harm. You wear a ring on your left ring finger. I don’t. Yet. You've never had detention in school. But this is because we never adopted that concept here. Like I said, I’ve never fully grasped what detention is and what they make you do when you’re in it. Maybe someone can help a clueless Asian out here, haha. You've dated someone with a full beard. I’ve never been with a guy, and Gab doesn’t grow a beard. You have a pair of fluffy dice in your car. No, and wouldn’t want that decoration either. You've been tested for STIs. No, but I definitely should just to be sure. You've written someone a love letter. Once, three years ago. I really should do it more. Your favourite film genre is horror. I appreciate horror A LOT and at one point it was my favorite genre. It’s since been overruled by drama. You currently live in a country you weren't born in. Born, raised, and currently living in the Philippines.  You don't like wearing hats. I know they’d look cute on me but it makes me feel like people can’t see me, so I always unconsciously take them off because they feel weird. Your blood type is O+. (???) Dude, I have no idea what my blood type is. I don’t think my parents are sure either. You prefer fruits over vegetables. Nah nah nah I hate fruits. You work/have worked in a hotel. No. My parents have worked in hotels all their lives though; they met while working in the same one in the 1990s. My dad has worked in a cruise ship since the 2000s but that still technically counts as a hotel-centric workplace. You enter the lottery regularly. I never have. You have a boyfriend or girlfriend. A girlfriend. You have had sex within the last week. I mean...this is one entry I don’t need to delve more into haha. You get sick often. I never get sick and if I do the fever typically just lasts a few hours. You're close with your siblings. I’m close with my sister. I haven’t talked to my brother in months. You're a pretty paranoid kind of person. It’s part anxiety and part slightly inheriting my mother’s very real OCD problems. You prefer vanilla over chocolate. Mmmmm not really. Vanilla takes like nothing to me D: Idk if it’s meant to taste like that or if I’ve just had cheap vanilla all my life. You own a lava lamp. I don’t but I had a hipster phase when I was like 12 where a lava lamp was all I wanted. Obviously my mom never got me one cos it seemed like such a waste of money, and looking back on it nine years later, it most definitely would have been. You can't whistle. I can. You've had your stomach pumped. No. I don’t even know how that works and I hope I never need that procedure, cos it sounds complicated and terrifying. You don't use emojis when you text. I know most people get paranoid from emoji-less messages, so I kinda just do my part in making them feel better by using emojis. You remember seeing the events of 9/11 on television as it happened. I was too young to have memories from 9/11; I was three and didn’t really watch news back then. You always stay hydrated. Yesssssss. I love my water and it’s also a basic form of skincare, so. You have at least one child. No kids. Your hair is shorter than shoulder length. It’s longer than that now, but I really should give it a trim soon. You're at least 21 years old. Yay I can finally answer this with a yes! You're an opinionated person and stick to your guns no matter what. Yes, unless someone can show me a better and more critical argument. I’m open to hearing them out and reconsidering by then; but until then, I like sticking to my beliefs. You share a bed with someone else every night. I sleep alone. You know how to drive. It’s how I get around places. You're currently wearing an article of clothing that doesn't belong to you. The sweater I have on belongs to Gab, but it’s been with me for three years. You are friends with a lot of people you work with. It makes the work more enjoyable when you like the people you hang out with. :) You shower twice or more each day. It’s a no for me. Once would be enough. You're friends with your boss. JM is technically my boss, and we’re good friends. You've made your own clothes before. Never have; I’m not creative enough (or at all) for that. You have/had braces. I did, back in high school. I just had them for a year and a half. You have two or more ex partners. Nope, just the one. You have a biblical middle name. I’m sure Isabelle didn’t come from the Bible. You've cheated on someone. N e v e r. You mop/vacuum the floors in your house once a week. My mom prefers to do all the cleaning stuff around the house. You have dandruff. There’s really nothing I can say about this other than I don’t, lol. Your parents are religious people. My mom is massively religious, enough to drive me insane. I don’t get my dad though; he told me he was atheist when he was in college, he sympathizes with me whenever I grumble about our family going to mass every Sunday, and he doesn’t mind when I use my phone in church, but sometimes I’ll see him singing along to church hymns. I don’t pry though and I’m just glad he’s on my side whenever I bitch about having to sit in church for an hour. You work/have worked in fast food. I have not tried this. You live near a national park. I live very far from Luneta, which is I think the only national park we have. You're a flirty kind of person. As a demisexual, the idea of being flirty is a horrifying prospect to me. You've never dyed your hair. It would terrify my mom, plus I’m about to graduate college so it’s a little too late to experiment with hair dye now. You've been to Arizona. I have not. You listen to a lot of country music. I hate this genre. You listen to a lot of pop music. Yeah I’m a pretty basic bitch lol You exercise several times a week. Just for this semester because I’m taking PE. In fairness, our instructor is a very good coach so I’m pretty open to still continue doing the workouts once the sem ends. You can do at least 10 pull-ups. I couldn’t before, but my PE class taught me how to haha. You travel primarily by bus. I can drive, so I don’t really need to take the bus. You prefer hot weather over cold weather. Ugh noooooo I hate feeling hot. I’d rather feel uncomfortably cold all year round than uncomfortably hot and sweaty. You've never been to IKEA. We don’t have IKEA. You're more creative than you are logical. I have zero creativity in my system. You've been in trouble with the police. Not with the police per se but I’ve had traffic enforcers pull me over for various ‘violations.’ You have something more important to be doing right now. It’s 1:42 AM. That important thing I should be doing right now is sleeping, but I had coffee earlier and don’t really feel like doing that at the moment.

You share a lot of your looks/appearance with your siblings. I’m the feminine version of my brother. I’m not sure if I look anything like my sister though. You've been in an open relationship. No. And I’ll never entertain the thought. You had beef for dinner last night. I’ve skipped dinner for two nights in a row, because my toothaches are really bad :( You live with roommates. I live with my immediate family. I live fairly close to my school (close enough to be able to drive there, anyway), so I’ve never had to move into a dorm or condo. You drink alcohol at least once a week. I drink a lot whenever I get to but I only do it once a month or once every two months. You have to go to work tomorrow. Nope. It’ll be the 3rd day of my 5-day weekend, so I’ve still got a lot of time to rest up :) You have taken acting classes. Acting is so not my forte. Your favourite kind of juice is cranberry. I don’t really like juice. You lost your virginity at the age of 16. 18. You're close with your cousins. I’m close with my cousins on my mom’s side. Not so much on my dad’s, but I did play a lot with them growing up; we just became less close as we got older because they eventually moved to Laguna and I saw them less and less. You have family who live in England. I don’t think I have family living in Europe. You've had a blood test. When I was confined in the hospital when I was 11, they did several blood tests on me to check my platelet count. You know someone who has two parents of the same sex. Nah, there’s a small chance of that happening here. I wish I knew someone, though.

You know how to do karate. I never took lessons. You've never had a pet dog. I have one snoring under my bed right now. Your current partner if you have one is your college/high school sweetheart. It’s a corny term, but yeah you can call her that. You have a cool scar. (?) I’m not sure almost being blinded by a glass jar to the eye is a cool scar story to tell. You've considered joining your country's army. No. You live near a very large body of water such as the ocean or a lake. Mmm not really, I live in a very urbanized area. I’ve never experienced living close to the sea, but I imagine it would be very peaceful. You watch and follow motorsports. Never have. Your mother was under the age of 20 when she was pregnant with you. Nope, she was 26. You're allergic to some kind of vegetable. I don’t have any allergies. You hate wearing socks to bed. Yessss, it feels itchy and it feels like my skin is being suffocated hahaha so I take them off. You play a lot of board games. Nothing against board games, I just don’t play them a lot. You know someone personally who was born in Japan. That’s a good possibility, but I just wouldn’t know who. You always keep spare change handy. In a place like UP where everything is cheaper, it helps tons to keep some change. Your house has three or more bedrooms. We have four bedrooms. You weigh less than you want to weigh. I’m a little less than 100 lbs, but I do wish I was at a healthier weight because I’m underweight.

You prefer tampons over pads (if you're a female who menstruates). I’ve never tried tampons and the idea of wearing it sounds like such a horrifying prospect for me hahaha. For context, pads are the (very very dominant) norm here and I literally know 0 menstruating people who use tampons. You've had sex while menstruating or had sex with someone while they were. I’m obviously not gonna share the story on here lol but it was purely an accident and I’ve made sure it never happened again. Your parents live in a different country than you. My dad has worked in different countries my whole life, but he comes back home every few months. You've been banned from a store or other location/venue. My friends and I were kicked out of a McDonald’s once for making a lot of noise, but we weren’t banned.  You like to cook with a crockpot/slow cooker. I don’t cook. You have a clock radio in your bedroom. The only clocks I have are the ones on my laptop and phone.