#oh god i am somewhere else

[ashes-in-a-jar]

The way Ed said "you wear fine things well"

Like he has never forgotten the words

Like they have been repeating over and over again in his mind

Like he has relived that memory continuously since

Like he waited to say them back

[cuubism]

emotional support part 3 of physical therapy au

--

It is not exactly a short walk to Dream's flat, but Hob drops him off at his door anyway. Dream can't remember the last time someone did something like that for him. Took so much time just to make him feel safer.

He should just thank Hob and go in, but instead he hesitates in the entryway. He can't deny how it makes him feel, Hob's kindness, and interest in Dream's art, and then him jumping to Dream's defense so viscerally and unapologetically. Hob is... good. Kind. Dream does not know if he deserves it, but for a moment he allows himself to want it.

"You going to be okay?" Hob asks. His eyes are so kind. And Dream wants. It's been so long since he's wanted.

He leans in to kiss Hob and--

--Hob catches him with a hand against his chest.

Dream jumps back, shame coiling hot in his throat. Even when he thinks someone kind might want him, he is still only misreading--

"Dream," Hob says. His expression is still kind, though his smile is a bit pained. "I can tell you're spiraling, love."

That word again. Why would Hob say it if he does not mean it?

"If I am wholly wrong and you do not feel anything then please just say so," Dream sniffs, trying and failing not to feel completely stupid.

"You're not," Hob says--which catches Dream before he can fall completely into the net of melancholy that had begun to entrap him. "I'm just--" he runs a hand through his hair with a self-deprecating laugh, his general self-assuredness slipping for the first time Dream has seen. "I'm trying to be sensible."

Dream doesn't understand. It's true that Dream is not exactly a sensible choice in partner, that's been proven, but--

"It just doesn't look very good does it?" Hob continues. "Chase off your asshole ex only to come onto you at your own home? That's real respectful, isn't it?"

"I came onto you," Dream points out. Hob wants to be respectful of Dream? The bar is currently low when it comes to respecting Dream. Dream thinks he would rather have the kindness than the respect. "And I do not mind."

"Well, that's the problem, isn't it?" Hob says. "Look, believe it or not, and you'll probably believe it, but I've been widely known to be impulsive as hell. But I still don't want to be the guy jumping on you the moment you get out of a bad relationship."

This... had not truly occurred to Dream. "I do not think you will be like him."

Hob takes his hand then, the bad one, the one he's fixed. He does it carefully. "No, I know. But I'd hazard you didn't think he'd be like that before you got together, either."

"I... suppose not." Hob is different, though. He knows it.

"Let's just finish our work with your hand first, yeah?" Hob says, squeezing his hand lightly. He seems genuine. He does not seem like he is just making up reasons to turn Dream down. "I think you need to get back to some normalcy, and then you'll know for sure if you really want this."

"I do want this," Dream says. He does not want to lose touch with that feeling. Of wanting something for himself.

"Then you'll still feel that way later on, hm?"

Dream can't find fault with his argument. Though he can't help but still feel that little curl of shame. Embarrassment.

Hob raises Dream's hand to his lips and kisses his knuckles. Dream's breath catches.

"Goodnight, Dream," Hob says, letting his hand go again. "I'll see you next week."

And with that, and a smile, he leaves Dream standing in his entryway.

Dream presses his hand to his chest. Perhaps Hob is right. Perhaps he is too... fragile... for this right now. He certainly feels fragile. But Hob makes him feel less so. Not more.

But Hob is not the one who ended up in a relationship with someone who reacted to disappointment by smashing his hand with a hammer. So perhaps Dream should heed his relationship advice, and not his own.

He retreats into his empty flat. Shuts the door, locks it, deadbolts it, and shoves a heavy box of unpacked books in front of it for good measure. Then sits on the floor where there should be a couch and takes out his paints. It still hurts his hand to hold the brush for any length of time. But even to this day, it's the only thing that soothes him.

~~

It's just typical that the time Hob really wants someone is the time he decides he needs to be responsible for once in his life. But he just... he needs time. He needs to know that Dream isn't just... fixating on him because Hob's actually treated him nicely when the last person who cared for him didn't. He doesn't want to do this if Dream is just using him as an emotional rebound from a bad relationship. He's become too enamored with him for that. And he's no king of ideal relationships himself, but he doesn't think it's the best time to be starting a relationship when Dream is still carrying the literal scars of the last one.

Damn if he doesn't regret turning him down, though. Just a little.

He hopes Dream doesn't decide to bail on their regular appointment. In fact, since dropping Dream home, he's been so fixated on the possibility that he fucked it all up that he's stress-cleaned his entire flat. Then he bought finger paints to see for himself how well it works as an exercise. All he's really succeeded in doing is proving that Dream is better at art with one and a half hands than Hob is with two, but maybe it'll make Dream feel better.

He brings his attempt at finger painting to their next appointment. And he's so relieved when Dream does show up. He looks a bit more balanced than he had the other day, too. The hurt in his expression when Hob had turned him down had been painful.

"I decided to try out your exercise," Hob tells him. "To prove to you how well you're doing, if nothing else." He shows him the painting.

And Dream bursts out laughing.

"Hey," Hob protests, but can't stop his smile at the joy on Dream's face. "Don't be mean about it or anything."

"What is this meant to be?" Dream asks, taking the painting and studying it.

"It's a landscape."

Dream turns it ninety degrees. Squints. "Ah, yes, I see that now."

"Well now you're just being a dick about it."

Dream only smiles, then puts the painting away in his bag.

"Oh, you're taking it with you, too?"

"You have mine," says Dream, pointing at the painting of cats that's still propped against the wall by Hob's desk. "So I will put yours on my fridge."

"Oh, great," Hob grumbles. But he can't be upset about the smile on Dream's face.

He's glad to see that putting a pause on things hasn't hurt their developing friendship. If anything it seems better. Perhaps Dream's had time to think things over, too.

"But you see, don't you?" Hob says. "Even while you're recovering, your skills are still way better."

"I... see, yes," Dream agrees, ducking his head. "I. I did try painting again. But it hurts."

Because you're probably overdoing it, Hob thinks. "How's your hand feel now?"

"...Sore," Dream admits.

"Can I see?"

Dream gives him his hand, and Hob feels victorious that it's with less hesitance than he had once done. He starts massaging Dream's palm where it feels the most tense, and watches Dream's wary expression--he must have thought Hob was just going to move his hand this way and that and make it hurt--melt into surprise.

"Do you do this with all of your clients, Hob?" he asks, weakly.

"Only the ones I really like," Hob says, and winks. Can't have Dream thinking he's not interested, after all.

Dream blushes, but lets Hob keep playing with his hand. He really does have such gorgeous hands. If Hob ever runs into that ex again he might have to do more than punch him.

"That helping?" Hob asks, and Dream nods, but he's still blushing so it's somewhat unclear in exactly what manner it's helping.

"Good," Hob says anyway. And finds he's truly hopeful that they'll get there. With Dream's dexterity, with... other things.

It's just going to take a bit of time.

[zeb-z]

pac has like fear yanked up to 100 with survival instincts cranked down to 0. he was afraid of bad coming up to him while building the track enough to talk to bagi, but then when bad came back and pressed him to eat a cake he made in a very suspicious fashion, he just swallowed it down without a second thought. had seconds, even. he was terrified enough to look super suspicious to bad surrounding the missing photo today, and then immediately downed himself right in front of him where he could have easily been killed - and he was. he’s terrified of cellbit but also considers him his close friend, trusts him more than anything. he’s like so nervous like a startled cat, extremely aware of danger, but also like. jumps right towards the danger. kicks his feet twirls his hair at the danger. I want to study him under a microscope

[mattodore]

found out while putting together matthias's oc page that his name has the exact same etymology and meaning as theo's name...

i’m sure this is information matthias is very normal about…

[moregraceful]

Whenever I feel my age in hockey fandom, I remind myself firmly: no matter what, Marc-Édouard Vlasic will always be older than you. Pictures - 1) Kitty Cat Max on patrol; 2) Magnus Chrona (6'5) standing next to a U6 goalie at the anthem; 3) full moon at night.

[salsa-di-pomodoro]

Headcanon time. Five Pebbles would hate being held in any way unless he specifically started or consented to it because otherwise it would make him feel small and or powerless

(look at my tags boy)

[meadowlarkx]

finally reading anne carson's sappho translation and this has killed me dead

[xxlovelynovaxx]

Ah. "Animals rights" bullshit okay. Being animals that are not obligate herbivores and eating the flesh of other animals because of it is "oppressing" non-human animals. And they called out my comparing it to anti-choicers because "murder is different than death" okay well anti-choicers think abortion is murder. I don't happen to consider a human killing an animal for food murder any more than I consider an animal killing another animal for food murder, especially when as you pointed out yourself some people can't survive without meat.

Or is it a contract killing/hit on every animal You've ever eaten to survive? Are you just not a murderer because you paid not to get your hands dirty?

Like yeah it's fucking NATURAL. Humans aren't some wondrous ascended beings that don't crawl through the dirt. We fuck and fight and survive and yes, part of that survival for many is KILLING.

And it's good that you don't think people should be forced onto veganism because that would be as bad as the people who want to force all animals to eat synthetic meat and hunt via robots or whatever but my gods can you imagine telling someone who has been a vegetarian by choice for years for animal WELFARE purposes (not rights) who is vegan for disability reasons that they are "justifying the oppression of animals" and "killing animals for food is murder" when you literally can't go vegan for health reasons yourself? Okay murderer. Guess your life matters more than those oppressed animals.

Like sorry I'm going full "you're an asshole and I despise you and I'm genuinely sorry for myself that I thought we could be friends".

Like yeah the anti-choicer metaphor wasn't perfect. But it also got you to cut right to the heart of the matter. You are so divorced from humans as part of the ecosystem and food chain you genuinely believe we have some moral duty to not kill animals (but only animals, not plants or fungi, which are also living and have some measure of sentience) and to hold ourselves separate from the biosphere to the greatest extent possible.

That's just ecofascism 101. Are we gonna do the "any form of hunting or land management, even responsibly by indigenous stewards using traditional practices is bad" next? Or are we gonna avoid that one because you hopefully know better than THAT and simply think that removing humans from ONLY one part of the consumptive chain is ✨different✨?

For reference:

Also where does "choosing to die" come in to this? I wasn't talking about euthanasia, I was talking about withdrawing the life support provided by a human body if the owner of that body stops consenting to providing it, therefore depriving a fetus dependent on that life support for survival of said survival. I'm pretty sure the fetus doesn't have a choice in the matter. (Whether or not it's "alive" doesn't have much to do with anything since it's been made pretty clear that medical autonomy in terms of mandated use of your body's parts or resources is unethical at ANY point. Even if you ARE killing it, we've determined that's the most ethical option.)

Also if we're going to make bullshit oppression claims why don't we talk about transspecies people who are obligate carnivores?

[maryoliverdotcom]

i am feeling feelings

[syrenki]

does anybody know how to manage arachnophobia? i'm physically shaking, covered in snot and tears, tired, but unable to go to sleep because i don't know where the spider in my room went

[vizziefizzie]

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Ethan Headcanons!!!

AKA: watch me dissect and yell about this 11-year-old in a needlessly long and unprofessional post because I'm deranged. (Yes, i do this to my favorite characters in my free time).

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General stuff:

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He/him pronouns (they/them is fine with friends... especially since he's still figuring out what sounds good to him)

Demipanromantic who feels strong aesthetic and physical attractions

(Fuck the mbti (unreliable and generalizing) so im using the big 5 (slay)) Sxx|A|i (highly social, average emotional stability and organization, HIGH agreeableness, mildly inquisitive.) (Also, side note, i usually hate categorizing people into specific personalities so please don't treat this like some holy text!!)

He does suffer from anxiety and stress over people, relationships, and everyone's wellbeing. He just wants everything and everyone to be okay!

He has ADHD

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Family:

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His dad died when he was young, but he doesn't know the details of his death

He has an older brother! But he's gone for college. Whenever he comes home, Ethan wants all the details!

His mom taught him how to make simple meals, so he knows how to cook and bake... but don't ask him what equipment he's using and don't ask for a grand meal (he will burn the house down)

He also has an uncle!!! Remember Ralph?? (I'm 99.9% sure that they're related based on the calls on the Pokégear.) He learned everything about fishing from him. Also, Ralph comes from his dad's side of the family.

Adventure and a love for the outdoors RUNS in that side of the family. And while Ethan's mom doesn't go out much, she very much enjoys hikes, and she met his dad on one!

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Friends:

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Kris was there with him in his early childhood, but she and her family moved to goldenrod. The two were close despite Kris' quiet nature.

He trusts Lyra and Kris with his life!

He has a penpal! (Spoiler, it's Dawn!)

His friends always bring out his hyper side!! He's perfectly comfortable being himself around them.

Silver.... he just wishes he could see him more without feeling... out of place? (He can tell that Silver doesn't exactly want him around, especially while he's training)

Every day, he scrolls through his contacts and gives everyone a call just to say hi!

Lyra moved in shortly after Kris left, and she quickly became Ethan's friend. The two act like hyperactive twins if anything else, and they often get the "Are you two related?" question.

Their parents get along too!! They bond over missing their old partners... though, Lyra's father just divorced.

Which, Lyra and Ethan cope together too! However, Ethan isn't as open about it.

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Mental health things:

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Speaking of!!! Ethan really does NOT know how to communicate his problems or insecurities to people. He's either silent and internal about it or screaming at the top of his lungs and having an emotional meltdown.

He has too much oxytocin.... people who know about stress hormones know exactly what I'm talking about (in short, it's craving support and physical contact to help relieve stress responses).

He's DEFINITELY an extrovert (not bc he's loud. No. People genuinely motivate him and he loves to just talk)... but some of his "cheerfulness" and giggling comes from a well of anxiety. He will laugh at anything, not bc he genuinely finds it funny (if he's genuinely laughing, it's non-stop wheezing and snorting between outbursts).

He has a "everything is okay!" attitude... especially around strangers. Sometimes it's good! Other times.... yeah, it's toxic positivity!!

He doesn't want people to stress about what he's stressed about! (So, he's anxious about his anxiety)

But on a side note, his mental health is usually great! But there are times when he's just not.

He often turns to exploring, helping others, and comfort foods whenever he's stressed... this happened a lot at the end of his journey and when he was champion (which was NOT a great time. But i want to make smth for that later.)

This kid suffers compassion fatigue from time to time!!! Especially when he's helping multiple strangers!! His friends are usually good about not asking for a bunch of stuff from him

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Behaviors!!:

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Remember the ADHD thing? Yeah, he stims.

Arm flaps, snapping (he has something good that he wants to say), wiggling, shifting (anxiously waiting (either positive or negative)), nail biting (he's concentrating), etc

He also has vocal ones like squeaking or speaking in a high (and quiet) voice like "woo!" or anything like that! He also loves to hum (not as much as Lyra though)

Also, he can't sit still in a chair... it's a short person with ADHD thing (im projecting SHHHH!!!) (Also we are the same height I HATE IT HERE (<- 7 years older than him))

[Patrick star voice] TOUCH

He uses tactile toys because he can't keep his hands to himself and he loves them!!

He loves to hug!!! Hugs!!!

Sometimes he can't shut up while other times he's uncharacteristically quiet.... it's usually because he's just observing other people or his head is in the clouds.

Maladaptive daydreaming goes BRRRRR!!!!

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Side things:

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He has a VERY messy room despite how prepared and organized he usually is for everything else. (Sometimes, his room is so cluttered, he needs Silver or Kris (the only organized people he knows) to help him get out and make it less of a hazard).

He loves sour and spicy things (sweet too.... but he needs that tart flavor with it)

He loves flowery scents but fruity ones overstimulate him

He hates grainy and stringy foods. He HATES oranges (but not the juice)

He is not a gamer. He SUCKS at them!! But, he's great with casual games like Animal Crossing (stress free!!)

On quiet days, he's usually sitting outside enjoying the breeze

He has suffered humiliation due to how gullible he is! But that was earlier on his journey, he's smarter now!

A lot of his team provides emotional support!!! More on that in a future post!

He can play the guitar!! Camp songs!! And calloused hands...

He sucks at reading!!! And he often needs to read aloud.

[UUhh I might add more!!!]

[hikeyzz]

wild that i can be bleeding internally for six weeks and it's just ... fine?? i just keep working like everything is normal?? that's cool. just like, let me know at what point to be really concerned .. i guess?!

[dallonwrites]

submitting to litmags is just refreshing submittable until the “received” turns to “in-progress” but then sometimes it switches to “in-progress” a day after you submit and you’re like. AH! 

[theemperorsfeather]

I enjoy being genre-savvy enough to be able to identify things that are going to come back and be Important (and probably horrifying!) but also enough of a dumbass to not put all the pieces together (or sometimes just ... let Giant Flashing Signs whoosh right past me) so that I still get to be shocked when it is finally spelled out. It is also genuinely nice when writers put together tropes in new and exciting ways.

[bambi-lesbian-posts]

Someone came in today while I was on register (mind you, today was only my 2nd day) and pulled up with 2 carts worth of stuff, total came out to ~$650... I work at a ROSS. Who buys $650 worth of stuff at a ROSS

[the-trans-dragon]

.