#oh mika there is beauty in life~ look at your future! everything will be worth it in the end~

[salsflore]

ummmm

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A Kiss Full of Petals

Hiya, Thea (LavenRain96) is here with her present to her secret santa, Devin ( @devinthedragondraws )~! I hope you’ll like this! :D

To be honest, I never heard of this event until my own circle of friends mentioned it in Twitter and Discord. I initially didn’t want to join with how busy I am as of late, but I was like: “You know what? F*** it, let’s make someone happy.”. Thus, I joined. To my pleasant surprise, my secret santa likes reading angst with a happy ending, or something that makes their heart swoon. That, and they also like sweet confessions and something that the characters are recovering from. So with that in mind, I wrote a mini-fic about the Hanahaki Disease (ngl I want to write this AU for some time now, and I’m glad that I get to do so in this way) and I had so much fun writing this, even though I admit that it feels a bit rushed (I apologize ;;;;;).

But anyway, once again, this is for you, Devin. Please enjoy!

—

The smell of cleanliness was quite pungent to Mikaela’s nose, reminding him almost every day of where he was. The white walls, the fine sheets and the IV on his arm even contributed to this fact… and he hated it. It felt like he was hidden away from the world, quarantined in the hospital all for the sake of healing. However, with how serious his disease was getting, it was inevitable that he would end up in the very place he dreaded on staying.

That was just how the world works; the one where the sickness known as the Hanahaki Disease exist.

Mikaela shrugged it off as a bluff at first with how fictitious the said disease was, especially with its low pathogenicity. But given his current circumstances as of late, he couldn’t deny that the disease was, in fact, real, and that he was feeling it in the most painful way imaginable.

He couldn’t speak properly—even something as simple as breathing proved to be an excruciating task for him without him coughing badly in return. Such things tend to put a strain on his throat that ruined his vocal chords and left a burning sensation that would take hours to calm down.

The flower petals that he spit out, though beautiful, didn’t do anything to lift his mood since the very sight of them clearly meant that he was near death’s door in each passing day. The thought of dying alone with this disease was something Mikaela couldn’t dream of imagining.

It must have been lonely to die like this, was the first thing that came to mind before his thoughts drifted to his childhood friend and crush, Yuuichirou.

Unfortunately, his thoughts were immediately halted as he suddenly felt a sudden surge from his throat, prompting him to cough harshly against his hand. It lasted for a few seconds, but for Mikaela, it felt like an eternity until his lungs slowly pave way to the tranquility from before. The hand on his mouth was shaking but it held firm— it was a simple way to try and soothe the after effect of his coughs. However, the fear of looking at the outcome of yet another violent episode of his disease also sustained him from moving his hand away.

The thick wetness and the soft, satin-like texture on his skin was something that Mikaela was already used to. It was so common to the point that it was embedded into his everyday life, but a part of himself was still in disbelief, still in denial that this was happening to him. His stubborn side persistently refused to acknowledge this. It wouldn’t just go and accept the fact that his love for Yuuichirou was slowly killing him. To do so would admittedly mean that loving the very man who had been with him through thick and thin was a mistake. A large, fatal mistake.

Mikaela knew better than to regard Yuuichioru as such. He may be flawed in some parts of himself, but that wasn’t enough to make Mikaela love him any less. To Mikaela, Yuuichirou was his everything. He was his best friend, his family, his confidant, his partner-in-crime…

… But why was loving him so damn painful?

Mikaela knew the answer to that well. It was a hard pill to swallow in a consistent pace, but for Yuuichirou’s sake, he gladly took it with a smile, even at the cost of his own happiness and health.

As long as Yuu-chan is happy, it’s enough, Mikaela reminded himself as he finally lowered his hand to reveal a streak of blood, and a small handful of red and white flower petals. The bloodied sight brought a heart-wrenching smile on Mikaela’s face before he sighed softly and aimlessly dropped the petals on the floor.

He felt a little sorry for giving his nurse some extra work to handle, but as of now, he didn’t care anymore. His hope to continue living with his most cherished person was starting to dwindle.

~ 0 ~

“I will not tolerate this behavior, Mika.” Krul stated firmly with her arms crossed as she looked at Mikaela with a frown, “I finally found a compatible lung donor for you, and I won’t waste this opportunity just because you refuse to let go of your feelings for Yuuichirou.”

Mikaela looked away in defiance, his brows furrowed with equal anger.

Krul sighed while she softened up just a bit, “Listen, I know that you like him, but Mika… Is he really worth dying for? You have a future ahead of you and it will surely hurt Yuuichirou if you die now. Haven’t you thought of that?”

“ I don’t care, ” Mikaela wrote on his mini white board Krul provided him with as a form of communication. “ I will not allow my lungs to be replaced by somebody else’s. ”

“Don’t be so stubborn. You know well what will happen if you don’t get operated soon.” Krul exasperated before she stood up from her seat, still frowning due to Mikaela’s lack of cooperation. “I’ll set up the appointment right away. Whether you like it or not, you’re going to have that surgery. We’ve waited long enough.”

Mikaela opened his mouth to voice a protest, having forgotten for a moment that his vocal chords were on the verge of being destroyed if he add anymore strain on them. However, whatever he wanted to say died in his throat when a knock was heard on his room door, pausing his thoughts.

“Hey, Mika…!” Yuuichirou greeted cheerfully with a wide grin as he opened the door. His smile faltered slightly upon seeing that Mikaela wasn’t alone in the room, and that there was tension in the atmosphere. He clearly knew right then and there that he entered at such a bad time.

“… Oh, um, hello to you too, Krul-san.” He awkwardly addressed with a respectful bow towards Krul. “Did I interrupt on something? If so, I could just—”

“—It’s quite alright, Yuu-kun.” Krul acknowledged with a small wave of her hand. “In fact, I was just about to leave. I’ve already said what I want to Mika very clearly regarding his operation.”

“Operation?” Yuuichirou repeated in confusion before his face lit up. “No way! You’ve found a donor?!”

“Yes, Mika is going to get his surgery soon. He’ll be cured in no time..” Krul confirmed but her words only made Mikaela angry. How dare she just brush off his feelings for Yuuichirou as if it was nothing but a burden on her shoulders? If Yuuichirou wasn’t in the room, Mikaela would likely throw a tantrum and be forcefully restrained on the bed until he calmed down.

“That’s great news, Mika. I’m so happy for you.” Yuuichirou cheered with a smile on his face, completely oblivious towards Mikaela’s dilemma. “It must really suck to be coughing almost every day. I mean, when was the last time you talked properly? Oh, and I really miss your voice. So with the surgery on the way, everything will be back to where it was.”

Hearing that, Mikaela didn’t know if he should cry or be offended with what Yuuichirou just said. Either way, it was heartbreaking to know that those words were coming out from his friend’s mouth, and it seemed that sadness won over his emotions as Mikaela was blinking away the tears that were trying to fall from his eyes.

Mikaela’s bravado from before slowly disappeared, replacing itself with sorrow as he took Yuuichirou’s enthusiasm for his recovery as a sign of rejection. An innocent one, and yet it stabbed deep like a knife in his heart.

But, still… Mikaela smiled, masking his hurting.

“ You’re right, Yuu-chan. ” Mikaela wrote down in his white board. His once straight and confident handwriting was now dissolved into something soft and shaky. “ Once my surgery is done, I can go to school again and be with you guys. I must have brought you a lot of trouble. ”

“Nah, don’t be sorry, Mika.” Yuuichirou shook his head in consideration before he took a seat on Mikaela’s bed, “As long as you’re well again after all these days, this is nothing. The Shinoa squad will continue to wait and support you until the very end.”

Mikaela couldn’t help but feel a tinge at that sentence. It wasn’t that he was ungrateful for his friends to worry about his health, but truth be told, the squad had nothing to do with his illness at all and Mikaela wished Yuuichirou would put them aside even for just a little bit. He knew that it was selfish to even think about that, but Yuuichirou had been his friend ever since they were kids. So, shouldn’t he have more priority over them?

No, don’t think that. This is enough. This is enough…

Mikaela encouraged himself that the attention he was receiving was already sufficient. There was no room to be greedy in a situation like this, especially when he was on the verge of dying. Any kind of attention, though brief and pitiful, was more than plenty. He could make do with that.

“Well then, I shall take my leave now that I have Mika’s consent on the operation. Take care of him in my stead, Yuu-kun.” Krul requested with care. Whether she was aware of how Yuuichirou’s words affected Mikaela or not, she didn’t show it and kept her expression unreadable.

“Sure thing, Krul-san.” Yuuichirou agreed with a nod before turning his attention back to Mikaela once Krul left. “Man, it’s been a long while since we’re alone like this, don’t you think?”

Mikaela smiled in nostalgia as he wrote down, “ I agree… ”

Yuuichirou chuckled in reply before he settled in a comfortable silence with Mikaela, staring down on his friend’s white board and his handwriting. Without a word, Yuuichirou reached a hand out and placed it a top of Mikaela’s, prompting the latter to look at him with a raised brow.

“Sorry for being sudden, but… I’m just happy.” Yuuichirou explained himself softly. His face showed nothing but a serene smile. “I wasn’t lying when I said I missed your voice. I may find it annoying sometimes with how you keep on nagging me to do stuff, but your voice is… I find it nice.”

… Huh?

Mikaela’s eyes rounded in surprise at Yuuichirou’s sudden confession. He liked his voice? Mikaela didn’t really see anything special with his voice. That was just how it was—ordinary and plain. For Yuuichirou to admit that he found his voice pleasant made Mikaela’s heart thump just a bit. It didn’t even help that there was an obvious blush on Yuuichirou’s cheeks after his confession.

“W-Well, you sing really good, so it’ll be a waste if you just let it wither away with this disease of yours. The kids in the orphanage will be sad.” Yuuichirou added on, but it only served to further heighten his embarrassment.

“ How about you, Yuu-chan? Will you be sad? ” Mikaela couldn’t help but write the question down out of curiosity.

“O-Of course, I’ll be sad. Don’t make me repeat myself, Mika. Geez…” Yuuichirou nearly shrieked with a frown and his face bloomed red like a tomato.

Mikaela chuckled at Yuuichirou’s reaction. The look on his face reminded him back in the days where Mikaela would often tease Yuuichirou just for the sake of getting on his nerves. Now that they were older, that teasing became one of his forms of endearment for Yuuichirou, and Mikaela would wonder from time to time if Yuuichirou even took notice of it.

“Anyway…” Yuuichirou’s voice cut through Mikaela’s thoughts. “Even though I’m happy that you’ll get a surgery and recover soon… I feel sorry for his person you have unrequited feelings with. I mean, you’re smart and handsome. Anyone would practically beg on their knees to date you, you know… That person must be lucky to have caught your eye.”

And that person happens to be you., was what Mikaela wanted to say but he held back out of fear that Yuuichirou might react badly at having another man like him that way. From what Mikaela understood as of late, Yuuichirou and Shinoa have a… thing for each other. The hints were subtle, but Mikaela could tell that Shinoa had a major crush on Yuuichirou. Yuuichirou, on the other hand, still kept treating her normally to the point that it was impossible to know if he liked her back or not.

But even if that was the case, that didn’t change the fact that Mikaela still chose to hide his feelings because he valued his friendship with Yuuichirou so much. He would rather risk his health than his relationship. But with how he was going to be removing his disease surgically, shouldn’t he make the most out of now? Mikaela could always tell Yuuichirou that he was joking in the end since Yuuichirou identified Mikaela to be a trickster at certain points in their lives.

It was a low move, but Mikaela was becoming desperate. He wanted to at least kiss Yuuichirou before his feelings for him were gone—forcefully and painfully taken away from him during surgery. He may not remember the kiss after the operation, but he at least told Yuuichirou how he felt albeit masked within a joke.

With an intake of breath, Mikaela then wrote down on his white board what he wanted to say, “ Hey, Yuu-chan. Before my operation, can I tell you something? ”

Yuuichirou read Mikaela’s message before he nodded, “Of course. What is it, Mika?”

Without writing anything back, Mikaela leaned close to Yuuichirou and planted a kiss on his cheek. His warm lips met soft skin briefly before he pulled back with one of his usual, teasing smiles—ready for Yuuichirou’s outburst.

However, Yuuichirou’s reaction was anything but what Mikaela expected. Yuuichirou was looking at him in surprise before it changed into a small frown. Mikaela blinked and waved his hands a bit to clearly tell that the kiss was nothing but a joke, but Yuuichirou clearly wasn’t buying it.

“… Shut up.”, were the words that left Yuuichirou’s mouth before he reached and grabbed Mikaela’s hospital gown before he leaned close and landed a kiss on Mikaela’s mouth, bruising it with how rough he was.

Mikaela jumped in shock and pushed Yuuichirou away for a bit to put some distance in between them. When they pulled apart, Mikaela noticed a flower petal hanging loosely on Yuuichirou’s lips—a blue rose petal that held the same shade as his own eyes. The sight of it rendered Mikaela speechless, and his silence only spurred a blush to grace Yuuichirou’s cheeks once again.

“Yeah, I have it too… because I thought you love someone else,” Yuuichirou confessed as he took the slightly wet flower petal on his lips. “It’s not as bad as yours, but… yeah…”

Yuuichirou looked away shyly, unable to say anything next now that he just outrightly admitted to like Mikaela that way. Fortunately for Yuuichirou, no words were needed to be said as Mikaela gently cupped his face and kissed him again. Unlike when Yuuichirou did it roughly and in a blinding rush, this one was full of passion and love—silently telling emotions that were kept hidden away for so long.

The taste of flowers in his mouth was unavoidable, and yet despite that, Mikaela felt so light that he could feel himself breathing freely.

“… Yuu-chan,” Mikaela rasped in a crooked voice, which surprised Yuuichirou.

“Mika, your voice… It’s back.”

“Oh…” Mikaela blinked in amazement upon realizing that his voice was back, even though it sounded a bit different now after all the pressure that disease gave it. Nevertheless, his eyes stained in unshed tears of joy. “My voice… Yuu-chan, it’s—”

Before Mikaela could say any more words, Yuuichirou claimed his lips again in a soulsearing kiss, effectively silencing him as words couldn’t express the happiness the other was feeling. Mikaela merely just closed his eyes in silent acceptance before he wrapped his arms around Yuuichirou and returned the kiss in full, allowing them to enjoy their intimate time together as they healed each other through a kiss that was full of petals.

[mikazukikannagisjourney]

Law of Attraction: Do Opposites Really Attract?

IF this was the topic sentence then it should look like this: It's been a long while since the Law of Attraction (LOA) busted out into mainstream culture, but seriously is making so many heads turn away and eyes rolling up the sky. I wonder why? Could it be that the law was wrong? Misrepresented? Misleading? A big mistake? Well, whether that's true or not, one thing is for sure: Attraction is what drives human passion, and whether or not it's due to similarities or polarities will all depend on who's wielding the whole attraction field.

Warning: Very long post, so I did my best to make it in such a way that you can scan and speed read stuff so you can still get something here. Thank you for reading. Oh, and there’s a summary and conclusion portion at the end of this post so if you’re tl;dr mode you’re welcome lol

Hey guys, what's up? Bet you didn't see this post coming lol yeah I know even I was surprised to be typing this today, but it has been bugging me for a few days now so I guess I have to get this out of my head and get a good night's rest. Also, I kept getting weird songs in my head singing that opposites attract, and me, a sucker of the Law of Attraction (LOA) stuff for quite a while now and somewhat unearthing all the stuff hidden from common knowledge since I discovered this (and other universal laws that apparently affect our lives one way or another) have been getting conflicting results so I shall be sharing the stuff that I found out and whatever I'm going to type in this post (tah-dah, channeled stuff lol) for everyone who's been frustrated at making this universal law work for their own favor.

The Premise: What you think about is what you'll attract. Therefore, change your thoughts to change what you pull into your world. What the mainstream isn't telling the people: Your SUBCONSCIOUS MIND is the one that DRIVES what YOU pull into your world, whether you like it or not. How I came up with this stuff: I discovered LOA around the same time that I consciously awakened, and desperate to shift my shitty life, I decided there and then to undertake the task of leveling-up my shadow work so that I could rid everything that has been keeping me in a crappy state of mind and reality. Also the depressive state has gotten to me so much that I was literally wallowing in self-pity before sleeping each night. So yeah, when I started manifesting "nice" stuff, like a plane trip to somewhere I haven't been in before, having some pocket money for that, and for some weird reason being able to live despite a lot of "lacks", I started believing in the idea that "thoughts become reality." It was pretty awesome, until sometime later I started manifesting the "crappy" stuff: Manifesting a job that only seemed "nice" on the surface but was really like a can of worms that only waited for me to open it up and change it all permanently, for a lot of people.

Honestly it was scary and each time I think about it, I am actually scared that I bring chaos everywhere I go, but at this point I am just thinking that if things were as they were and there were no hidden agendas, it won't be a can of worms to begin with. I have already accepted the fact that anything rooted in lies can and will get uprooted to show the truth and be transformed into whatever its true form was. But this wasn't just in the workplace, but also for me, personally. I attracted the wrong kind of people, those that prey on insecurities and the people pleasers and all that crappy stuff that apparently were still in my subconscious and in my energetic field. They all seem nice and shiny until the time that they show their true selves, which can really heck you up, big time. Weirdly a lot of people let down their guard around me and show their true selves, like even psychically I could feel out what kind of person these people were. I don't mind if those are just the stuff that I originally sense from them and then later find out that I'm on point, but are just benign nuances that I could live with. But there were times when I feel scared even just thinking about it because there was a time when I kept getting some ultra-low vibes, like from a sexual predator within the area, and, well, they kinda showed up, in my face. I was scared for my life. I guess some saving grace that I am still thankful for despite the events were that someone was around the area as well, so the predatory attacks were minimized to some degree which I can manage and escape from. Not fun, but it happens.

But I did everything to clear my thoughts!!!

Well, turns out my subconscious programming of not being enough, my constant depressive state that was at some point labeled as "high-functioning depression" which allowed me to hold a decent job while wanting to die at the same time (yeah I know it happens), being too-desperate for someone to fawn over me and tell me how nice and whatever I am, all those insecurities that were all a huge bunch of snow about to fall into a massive avalanche, the stuff that I didn't get to uncover through shadow work, these beliefs and ideas and notions of who I am as a person attracted really shady characters that, one way or another made me question my life choices over and over again. It's still a miracle that despite the crappy results, I am still OK putting myself out there, or at least seeing that as an option in the future.

Seriously, after what happened, if I can hide any further or bury myself in the ground just to make the pain stop, I would have done that. But at the same time, I am still doing my best to hold on to any form of hope that everything will get better. That at the very least, I can improve my discernment of people so that I can put my trust  on the right people at the right time. I am still hoping for that to happen, but right now, as the world is starting to feel the energies from the higher dimensional realms, I have consciously chosen to focus more on my own growth, because seriously, I have a lot of subconscious programming that are really hecked up, like big time.

For instance: I am more than willing to sell myself less that what I'm really worth, just to make do. Which, translated to conscious terms: I am not worthy to be recognized (and paid in all energetic ways) and be given what is rightfully due of me. How I am healing that idea at the moment: Building my skills as well as self-confidence through subconscious reprogramming that whatever I am right now, I am enough, and worthy of love from the universe. How I check if this belief has been changed: Muscle test, feelings test, because the subconscious mind can give answers to any Yes-No questions, or just paint a vivid picture of whatever it wants to say. Like. it doesn't even bother to spell or write. It just paints a picture and pulls up feelings and emotions that are familiar or alien to us, however that feels for us.

OK but we still haven't touched the topic of "Do opposites really attract?", Like don't keep us waiting here.

No worries fam, Mika-chi's got you. And this is what I really want to write here, but it would seem weird without my weird rambling premise above because I don't know, maybe it would seem to make sense once this part gets built.

Premise: Opposites attract I beg to differ, and offer this idea instead: You get attracted to anything that you "think" you don't have yet. Conversely, you don't get attracted to anything that you already have or you don't like because subconsciously you already have whatever that is.

I will be writing this through the lenses of being in a relationship of any kind, because that's what I can think about right now that may have some sense to most people. Also relationships are extremely over-rated or even misrepresented through mass media, so this notion might break the illusion to most, if not some.

How did I come up with such a dumb idea anyway?

Well, I did say it's going to be based on relationships, and because that's the kind of stuff I may have some experience on, that's what I'll post here. If you think or feel that I am ringing my own bells for writing stuff here that I have personally experienced, uhm.. I'd rather do that than steal someone else's blog and paste their own crap here. I may be blowing my own horns but at least I don't steal. My personal integrity is my most valuable possession right now, and I am doing my best to take care of it and help it grow. Also as a content creator here, or elsewhere, I recognize the value of creativity and anything that a person makes through their own skills and efforts, and I expect to get that same respect. I don't care if the creator of that content thinks it's ugly AF. If you ask me what I think, if you did it with all your heart and effort then it's beautiful AF, and I could feel that beauty energetically, hands down. Besides, if a person wants to improve, there's always a way to improve: do it everyday, learn and grow everyday.

Which brings me to the idea that opposites do not attract per se, but that what one lacks in itself, it tries to get for itself.

Case in point: Plants

Why do plants grow towards the sun? Like, even if you plant them upside-down, they will always do their best to grow to where the sun is.

Why is that?

Simple, plants know what they need, and they need sunlight. Sunlight to produce their own food. The sunlight helps the chlorophyll convert nutrients as well as the atmospheric carbon into sugars that they can store as food (photosynthesis, light reactions) But they don't have that sunlight all the time, so they grow more cells (leaf cells) to catch more sunlight, grow more cells to keep going towards the sun (vascular tissues aka their stems), so that they can keep going to where the sunlight shines the most.

OK, so how can I apply this to me and my own relationships? I don't photosynthesize and shit.

Yeah, great question you got there, and Mika-chi's got you covered.

But first, I will ask you something:

Think of your crush. Or your special person. Or your significant other, if you're blessed to have one right now. Now, think clearly, without the rose-tinted glasses, what made you sway towards them? Why do you like them? What makes them likeable to you? List as much as you can, take your time.

OK, now you've probably listed like what, 1, 3, 20, or how many reasons you got for liking that particular person.

NOW, for more hecking-ups, and be ABSOLUTELY HONEST with yourself, ok?

As you are right now, do you think YOU DON'T HAVE these attributes within you? Lemme rephrase that: In your list of "Why do I like/love my special person/significant other", DO YOU BELIEVE, that YOU DON'T HAVE ANY OF THOSE LIKEABLE STUFF RIGHT NOW?

Now, why did I even ask something as dumb and as triggering as that?

Simple really, it's likely that you liked that person because they probably have something that you secretly wanted, or subconsciously wanted to covet. Reaaaaaally think about that for a moment.

It can be that they're really nice and kind and warm. Or that they're thoughtful. Or they make you laugh and feel at ease. Or they're super-smart, tech-savvy, updated with the new stuff. Or maybe they're beautiful, handsome, aesthetically-pleasing. Can sing really good, or draws really well. Or good at games, console or not, digital or not. Or have really good leadership skills, or money skills, or they’re super-analytical logical. Or just being super-confident, self-assured, emotionally-secure.

Basically whatever you think is attractive.

But have you ever thought about the idea that... What if YOU started CULTIVATING those same stuff INSIDE YOU?

What would happen then? Would you still like them in the same way right now?

Now, just let the ideas sink in. You can leave this post right now and ponder about the ideas and come back later.

OR....

Just keep reading.

OK fam, whatever it is you’re thinking right now, I hate to break this to you but.... Whatever the case is, it all boils down to a basic idea:  You don't have those attributes yet so when you see someone with those traits you immediately hone in on them. And to be honest, this is something subconscious. You may "think" you don't know why, but unfortunately, this is probably the WHY.

BUT WHY????? How dare you say these blasphemous things!

Yeah, precisely, that's what I was thinking before I got my epiphany 7 years ago. It was both horrible and yet at the same time empowering, AF. It was also scary, and that's what got me thinking about how the entire thing about "opposites attract" was just one large piece of crap, which was later somewhat uppended by the LOA because again, the law states that YOU ATTRACT WHAT YOU THINK/BELIEVE. And if you keep attracting crappy stuff, that's the subconscious beliefs thinking THAT'S WHAT YOU DESERVE, no matter how many positive affirmations your conscious mind eats everyday.

OK, putting this in a relationship perspective again, here's how I came up with that notion:

In my previous relationship, I basically tuned in to this dude because he has a lot of attributes that, in my 3D dead asleep mind found quite attractive, such as a tall height (cries in 5' lol but hey now I'm 5' 3/4" so yeah lol), really good with math (the dude's an engineering student), really commanding (somewhat Caucasian) facial features (laughs in my Southeast-Asian face lol), nice singing voice, good reasoning skills, clear and focused thinking, knows how to commit and attend to scheduled activities, draws structures, isometric drawings, and manga characters in ink really well (technical drawings especially inks do require a lot more skills than freehand penciling), can ride a big motorbike, and to be honest, is also an otaku like yours truly. In my 3D dead asleep way of thinking, I don't have a lot of these attributes, ok maybe I do have some like the OK singing voice, the commanding facial features (but with the looks of a typical Southeast-Asian), substantial reasoning skills (that's a requirement for science degrees lol), committment to schedules (as needed), and some substantial drawing skills (needed to draw bacterial cells, cheek cells, and chromosomes lol), but the other stuff, I don't have back then.

But then things changed when the Fire Nation attacked. LOL just kidding, NOT.

OK, so when the breakup happened (gah what a terrible segue lol) and after sometime, I strongly felt the need to build my self-esteem and self-confidence again, because let me tell you, getting dumped or rejected one way or another can really, REALLY take a toll on your entire being. Especially when you take any form of rejection as a personal attack, as a child. Yeah, I know right, it sucks. But some of us are programmed like that. And we have to degunk that junk so that we can heal ourselves and all that jazz. But at the time when that happened to me, I was still somewhat in the 3D dead asleep state, and what's worse was that aside from getting no resolution nor proper closure from the breakup (still have no idea why but I've gotten past that somehow), surprise, surprise, I've lost the ability to walk without enduring excruciating pain. I was basically living in my bed, no physical therapy other than me doing that on my own, and desperately trying to piece back whatever scraps of life I still hold in my hand. So I did something that felt so alien to me.

I started learning Math. Mind you, not college level math. Not even high school math. Yep. I learned elementary math. Primary level math. That was my major waterloo. I can't do that shit. I didn't even know the entire multiplication table back then. Yeah I survived and even graduated with a Science degree without knowing that basic shit. Laugh all you want, but I survived through college with a scientific calculator that was older than me and some basic knowledge of statistics. I flunked some subjects but they're math so yeah. But I still finished that science course which was full of math (suprise, surprise, I’m a Biology graduate, specialized in Genetics and that shit was full of math lol), even if I had to crawl.

But that was a long time ago, and being at my lowest low (back then) I needed something to fill in the void and help me become complete. So I learned primary math. I learned how to do long division (former boyfriend taught me but forgot a lot because I didn't get to use them a lot, just to get through the Civil Service Exam), recall the multiplication table better, divide decimals, and all the primary math stuff I don't know. I do get well with fractions and percentages though, so I guess at some point I have come to believe that I wasn't half as dumb as I thought I was.

I also took the time (before I lost my lower-limb powers) to learn how to draw realistic portraits of people, just to prove to myself that I have some self-worth of some sort. This drew in mixed reactions to people within my former social media network, ranging from "wow that's cool" to "stop wasting time get back to work". Of course, as with all of my efforts, I didn't learn the techniques as fast as I wanted them to learn, but there came a time that everything just clicked and things fell into place (I am eternally grateful to EXO for this, lol). It was a harsh, uphill battle to build my self-esteem to even half of what it was, and in a way, I was able to recover, for a while. Yeah, I know it wasn't the best way but at that time, I was hopelessly burying the gnawing pain of loss by doing the stuff that I thought I didn't have, but turns out that I actually did.

A few years in, I was feeling great, and I felt that nicer things were coming my way again. I started driving to work (my workplace was quite far), started to mentor thesis students again, and everything was going well despite some aspects that were still sucky. In a way, building myself back up to be stronger was a great plan, back then, just so I could show myself to the world again, and do stuff. I thought I was OK, but deep inside I was still wanting to have that closure that I never had, and by this time I haven't learned to BE CAREFUL OF WHAT TO WISH FOR, because boy oh boy the universe can get batshit crazy.

Due to a series of events, I ended up meeting the former boyfriend, like I have zero clue that it was even possible. I mean, back then, I felt that the universe was so mean to make it happen, because after that meetup there was STILL no closure. No apologies, no reasons given, nothing. And to be honest, I am still kicking myself every now and then because I SHOULD HAVE MOVED ON AFTER ALL THAT SHIT. In the end, I was unable to go to the deep roots of grieving for my original loss, and because that had a shaky foundation that only focused on the external stuff, it broke me.

SO it was time to step up to "why did I even like this person - Ver 2.0".

This process took quite a long time that by the time I was about to finish I was already at a screwed up place and feeling that same feeling again, of breaking and shattering again. It was just horrible AF but that time I had to kick myself in the butt to sincerely, just forgive and move on. That despite what happened to me, I can still come back on top and be my self-assured self. I had to build my mental capacity to be OK with being sucky and making mistakes. Not easy but doable, and by the time I was healed, I was already looking forward to having a fresh new start with someone MORE LIKE ME, maybe not now but in the future. I was, and still am doing my best to enjoy being a self-assured single grandma lol but also still being open to the idea of meeting someone better in the future, despite the pandemic right now. I mean, miracles can happen so I don't see why it can't lol

OK but you still haven't said anything about attracting or getting attracted to someone that seems your polar opposite, or not opposite.

Oh yeah, thank you for reminding me about that. Yeah, I was getting to that part..

So after meeting the former boyfriend and getting to chat and whatnot, I found out, energetically and through his mannerisms and speech that after all these years, HE WAS STILL THE SAME. But even more disturbing for me at that time, and probably still, is that HE WAS NOT WILLING TO LEARN AND CHANGE. To some degree. Maybe he held some contempt for me, maybe for him I'm just the crazy ex-gf, I'll probably never know (because we don't talk anymore lol but also at this point I’m like yeah sure whatever makes him happy I just don't care much anymore lol). So at that point, I was starting to think "Why did I fell for this dude again?" Like seriously, I didn’t know anymore. We've drifted so far apart that we're basically polar opposites, and to be honest I feel a bit disappointed with myself that I actually fell for someone like that. I mean, yeah, sure, he has his good points, but the fact that through all the years I was with this person, I could strongly feel that he was keeping a lot of stuff from me, maybe just to keep the peace, maybe just to shut me up, and here I was having strong alarm bells ringing and telling me that "this dude be lyin." And the more I pushed him to be honest, the more he rebelled.

In the end, looking back, he never felt safe to be vulnerable with me, in the entirety of that relationship, and up to this day I still feel horrible that I was unable to be the safe haven for him like he was for me. For him, he probably valued peace and harmony more than being honest with whatever he was feeling inside. I personally value honesty and transparency more than the harmony and peace, because the reality of life is that if a person is kind enough, even though your ideas and beliefs are disharmonious, if the person has some kindness inside them, the differences can easily be overlooked because kindness brings upon respect. Unfortunately in our case, we weren't woke enough to even realize that. Even worse was that my insecurities due to my hecked up childhood more likely pushed him to the farthest regions of the universe, so I won't blame him if he thinks I'm worse than the stinkiest food in the world. Heck, even I still cringe whenever I remember being such an insecure bitch, really, like that was so far from me right now, but at the same time I am doing my best to embrace that insecure bitch because at the end of it all, if I never realized that, I'm still probably stuck in the same space, and still pining for a person who will never, ever love me back the way I wanted to be loved, nor could I ever give hime the love he wanted and needed. Well, to be honest, that whole shit was a karmic thing anyway so I am just doing my best to forgive the past, to grow to be a much more loving, compassionate person, but at the same time taking zero shit from everyone. Yeah still building the no-BS musculature so I could love others as much as I can love myself. I think that's fair, right?

So right now, at present, based on what I have gathered so far from my past experiences, everything that I felt that I didn’t have, I did my best to build inside me. To the best of my abilities. And each time I uncover one shadow after another, I do my best to forgive and accept that shadow as a part of me. In a way, it healed me, and brought me self-assurance of what I am and what I am worth. It also helped me decide on what would be the most important traits or characteristics for me in finding that special someone in the future. For instance, realizing what are the things and beliefs that I deem important, for me, if I do not see that in another person, or worse, if they're totally the polar opposite of what I believe in, I see a huge opportunity to move on fast. Because it does not reflect what I have. For example, if a person is not in the path of self-development, self-improvement or in the journey of spiritual awakening or whatever the heck I am in right now, that's already one major thing that would help me walk away in the other direction. Or, if a person choses to be extremely polarized and not wanting to see any other perspectives with regards to problems or issues, I'd start walking out the door. Or if a person just underestimates my capabilities, or thinks I'm dumb and I don't know what I'm talking about, without even listening or hearing me at all, I'd fly away as fast as I can right there and then. Or the biggie, when a person has zero empathic skills and always looks down on others or laughs at the shortcomings of other people without evaluating the person as a whole. I'd take the first train out of there, because seriously, why choose such people to be with, other than being scared of loneliness? Honestly, I'd rather be alone than be with a person that I can't stand to be with, just because society or my insecurities dictate it. I love myself enough to walk away from such "securities" in my life, because at the end of the day, I deserve better things. And these people also deserve to be with people that reflects who they are deep inside, no hard feelings there.

Of course, despite all that esoteric stuff, finding an aesthetically-pleasing tall-statured dude is still on my list, but this time, with more bearings on the internal traits, which are mostly what I already have with me, so that I can let go of all the relationship dramas that society deems "normal". Because really, it is possible to remove dramas in relationships, I mean, dramas are really just optional garbage that everyone can opt out of, but to make that happen it takes two to tango. Still doable though, which is why the concept of "conscious uncoupling" exists, as well as "conscious coupling". And honestly, I would really, really want to give the idea of "conscious coupling" a try, because frankly, if a person can move past the subconscious programming and make improvements in such a way that all relationships become healthy for everyone involved, I don't see any reasons for hearts being broken, nor families and individuals becoming broken through doing a lot of unconscious processes aka 3D dead asleep consciousness. Otherwise, repeating patterns and cycles of negativity, abuse, and just overall sucky relationships will keep coming back in various shapes or forms, with different people and circumstances, until one way or another, a person chooses to do something totally different and to consciously change.

Oh glob, this was quite a long-ass post, but I hopefully made my points clear. If not, I'll make a summary and conclusion portion here:

The idea that opposites attract have long been deemed as something legitimate and logical, due to magnetic poles, but this notion directly opposes the Law of Attraction through the implementation processes, as LOA states that attraction to or of something happens with anything or everything that you want and/or already have. But looking past that, it must be clearly stated that in order for LOA to work as normal and not allow the "Opposites Attract" paradigm to occur, a subconscious clearing of any opposing beliefs must be in order. Otherwise, what a person wants will not come to them but what is the opposite, because the subconscious wants something else and this something else is what gets magnified through subconscious manifestations and gets magnetized into the person's life, hence the operation of the "Opposites Attract" paradigm into the person's life and not the LOA. With such premises, these concepts are also applicable to the nature of human relationships, wherein a person's subconscious beliefs about themselves and their own perceived self will keep attracting the same kind of love that people around them imprinted to them during their early years, which can manifest as having low self-esteem, low self-worth, near-zero self-confidence, not feeling enough, and the person they get into a relationship with will keep reflecting these beliefs to them by getting the kind of treatment their subconscious believes that they deserve, until these people become consciously aware of these patterns and correlate these to how other people treated them in the past and still do in the present. As such, it needs a strong, conscious decision and a committed effort to reprogram the subconscious mind to stop the "Opposites Attract" paradigm and to allow the true LOA to work for people, because in the end, LOA is a formidable force that works for all people in all walks of life, awakened and consciously living, or not.

Again, thank you so much for reading this very long post, but I hope it helped you in any way.

Wishing you all the best that life has to offer, I remain your friend, Mikazuki

PS. If you found the information in this post to be very helpful, insightful, and of great value to you and your own personal journey, please feel free to reblog, share and heart/like, or if you feel super-generous, energetic exchanges are welcomed! Please click here and use this email address: may_chan_otaku@yahoo.com

Thank you so much and be blessed!

PSS. If you’re interested to get a personal card and energetic reading, for inquires please send an email or an anonymous ask in this page. Thank you! =)

[theworstbob]

yellin’ at songs: 4.1.2017, 3.31.2007

the songs that debuted on the billboard chart this week and ten years ago this week.

3.31.2007

42) "With Love," Hilary Duff

This was thoroughly unpleasant. Hold up, before I check Wikipedia, I'ma guess Kara DioGuardi was in on this one? I think I've listened to enough 2007 at this point that I can recognize Kara DioGuardi's trademark blechery in here. /checks the credits/ OH MY FUCKING GOD WHY IS SHE SO TRASH. Kara DioGuardi has written plenty of bad songs, including the two most disappointing songs I've heard as part of this project. She's given a credit on "Be Good to Me," which you'll recall was a travesty, and she's given a credit here, on this bad imitation of a Timbaland song. I won't do a Worst 10 or anything like that, because why would I think about things I don't like any longer than I have to, but I guarantee, there’d be multiple Kara DioGuardi joints on a Worst 10. I'm not going to look at her Wikipedia page, for the same reason other people find it difficult to watch Hannibal, but also to keep life full of surprises.

68) "Survivalism," Nine Inch Nails

a fun thing about listening to political songs from 2007 is how quaint they seem now. remember when the problems we have today were still problems but like 1% as bad as they are now? say what you will about dubya, he never flew into a rage on a saturday morning and accused bill clinton of wiretapping the texas rangers. there was some shit being pulled in 2007, like f’rinstance remember that one time the president suspended habeas corpus for undocumented immigrants? that was pretty unchill. but at least he wasn't gleefully racist. at least he didn't propose we spend billions of dollars to build a monument to racism.

76) "Get It Shawty," Lloyd

I didn't hate this! This song is incredibly 2007, but it's 2007 in a way that's somewhat timeless, if that makes any sense. Like, in 2014, I wrote about Nico & Vinz's "Am I Wrong?" that, yeah, there's a few things in there that will mark it as being from 2014, but if you wrote this song in any era, it could have blended in with that era's trends and styles with aplomb, and we would have loved it all the same. There's a lot here that's very 2007, but at its core, this song is kind of perfect, could have been released today and sound like a hit from today and still occupy the same space in my heart. It's like "Absolutely (Story of a Girl)," or Amerie's "One Thing," just a solid song which'll make you go "Oh yeah! This! I loved this!" when it comes on.

90) "You Know I'm No Good," Amy Winehouse ft./Ghostface Killah 91) "Rehab," Amy Winehouse

It is uncouth to speak ill of the dead. It is also uncouth to write that sentence in this context, prolly, but let us be known for what we are. I hope she's doing better. (That bass on "You Know I'm No Good," tho.)

94) "Beautiful Liar," Beyonce & Shakira

Listen, team, we need to talk about restraint for a second, because there are a thousand ways this project could have gone wrong. You get two superstars on the track together, there's absolutely the risk of putting something completely overcooked on the market, some showy vocal battle, but everything here is so understated. The Middle Eastern-y sound could have been laid on too thick, but it's doled out in this tiny, almost imperceptible dose, and that sets the tone for the rest of the track. No one belts anything, because it's understood that there's nothing to belt about, just a dumb boy that isn't worth the effort, and Beyonce and Shakira are compelling singers who don't NEED to be belting all the time to get the point across. This is such a fascinating song! You would expect a song from two titans to attempt to set fire to the world, but this merely simmers, doesn't even boil, just simmers, and it's an agreeable choice.

96) "Like This," Kelly Rowland ft./Eve

The synth track on this song kind of, kind of sounds like the main menu theme of Yoshi's Island, at least sounds close enough to Yoshi's Island that I can completely fuck with this, even if I think the drum track is kind of illogical. (Bob! you should be making jokes, what is this music criticism thing.) UGH FINE oh wow kelly rowland follow beyonce much. you know how like you two used to be in destiny's child but beyonce had a much more successful solo career. hey where's the michelle williams one. um, michelle williams much? that's a person also who was in destiny's child as well, also. she's very less successful! how about that! having fun living a full life and hopefully retiring early after having made smart investments with the money you made from your time in a popular music group? what a putz!

2007 Top 20 In Progress, Except Not Really, Because 2007 Is Kinda Over if You Haven’t Noticed? But I’m Still Ranking These Songs as I Go Because I Don’t Know What Else to Do. 20) "Outside Looking In," by Jordan Pruitt (2.24.2007) 19) "Like a Boy," by Ciara (3.17.2007) 18) "Grace Kelly," by MIKA (2.17.2007) 17) "Get it Shawty," by Lloyd (3.31.2007) 16) "Break 'Em Off," by Paul Wall ft./Lil' KeKe (3.10.2007) 15) "My Oh My," by The Wreckers (1.27.2007) 14) "Mr. Jones," by Mike Jones (1.27.2007) 13) "Settlin'," by Sugarland (2.17.2007) 12) "Movin' On," by Elliott Yamin (3.17.2007) 11) "U + Ur Hand," by P!nk (1.13.2007) 10) "Doe Boy Fresh," by Three 6 Mafia ft./Chamillionaire (1.20.2007) 9) "Beautiful Liar," by Beyonce & Shakira (3.31.2007) 8) "Cupid's Chokehold," by Gym Class Heroes ft./Patrick Stump (1.13.2007) 7) "The River," by Good Charlotte ft./M. Shadows & Synyster Gates (2.10.2007) 6) "Say OK," by Vanessa Hudgens (2.17.2007) 5) "Alyssa Lies," by Jason Michael Carroll (1.13.2007) 4) "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going," by Jennifer Hudson (1.13.2007) 3) "Candyman," by Christina Aguilera (1.13.2007) 2) "Because of You," by Ne-Yo (3.17.2007) 1) "Dashboard," by Modest Mouse (2.17.2007) Jordan Pruitt, hanging on for one more week! Can she keep the miracle run near the bottom of the chart going? TUNE IN NEXT WEEK TO FIND OUT HOW MUCH I ENJOY “WHO KNEW.”

4.1.2017

14) "No Frauds," by Nicki Minaj, Drake, & Lil Wayne

This was a very boring song, most of which concerns a topic in which I'm not particularly invested? Like I guess it's kind of interesting to drop a diss track where you sound completely disinterested in the beef, the response is perfunctory and you're only responding because your opponent's name carries some weight and people'll give you shit if you completely ignore it. I’m down for a diss track where the participant is hella bored by this nonsense, but that probably wasn't the intended interpretation. I dunno. If there's one thing I learned from digging through just three months' worth of 2007 hits, it's that there are songs meant to be forgotten, and I have a feeling, if there is a 2027 and we're all still free, there's gonna be another obsessive white dude who's made poor life choices and poorer facial hair choices digging through the 2017 vaults, coming across this song, and realizing sometimes things are forgotten because they're forgettable.

61) "Regret in Your Tears," by Nicki Minaj

I'm of two minds on this. The first one doesn't think we put Nicki Minaj on this earth to make Drake songs. But also, I had a good time! It sounded inspiring, and the idea of a Nicki Minaj break-up song is so inherently interesting to me that I'd almost put it in the "down for this no matter what" category. I just think it could've been a touch more creative than "here's Nicki doing a sad song."

71) "Changed It," by Nicki Minaj & Lil' Wayne

That thing Nicki does at 1:45, "I am Billie Jean and the bitch is my SON," that's why we never stop believing. That's why we listen to this nonsense with entirely too much modern-day Lil' Wayne, because Nicki Minaj will ocassionally do things like that with her voice.

72) "Chanel," by Frank Ocean ft./A$AP Rocky

I DON'T KNOW WHY FRANK DECIDED TO START BEING BREEZY AND MAKE SONGS THAT ARE FUN TO LISTEN TO BUT I APPRECIATE THAT HE'S ZAGGIN' ON 'EM. It feels shitty to give this song a couple of spins and then form a loud all-capsable opinion about it, because that feels like giving the intricacy and depth of Frank Ocean's songs short shrift. But it's his own damn fault for making this song so breezy! It's not necessarily lighthearted, it's not like Frank Ocean is ever gonna take us to his happy place, but it's airy and soft (you know, soft, like air sometimes is), it feels good to just let these sounds envelop you, and I haven't quite yet figured out how to express what I love about the transition to Rocky's verse, but trust that I loved it. (Maybe this doesn't need to go up the date the chart drops?) nah, we’re good

78) "Liability," by Lorde

This feels like a song that's probably going to be really dope in the context of the album, where it can play the supporting role it is clearly meant to play, but as a standalone track, I dunno. It's definitely more interesting than the average piano-'n-strings song, you can really hear that Fun. sound clear as day. It's just not particularly substantive on its own. Though, I suppose if it's being released as a teaser, it performs the job admirably, giving just a hint of what the album could sound like. I'm stoked.

95) "Prblms," by 6LACK

sadness is not the only valid emotion. darkness cannot exist without light. fucking christ, you people won't listen to "Run Up," but you'll listen to a parade of fucking dudes bleat about how shitty their relationships are. i don't get it.

The 2017 Top 20, Which Actually Is in Progress! 20) "Regret in Your Tears," by Nicki Minaj (4.1) 19) "Way Down We Go," by Kaleo (1.14) 18) "Everyday," by Ariana Grande ft./Future (3.4) 17) "Light," by Big Sean ft./Jeremih (2.25) 16) "Draco," by Future (3.11) 15) "Guys My Age," by Hey Violet (2.11) 14) "Good Drank," by 2 Chainz ft./Gucci Mane & Quavo (2.11) 13) "Yeah Boy," Kelsea Ballerini (3.4) 12) "Selfish," by Future ft./Rihanna (3.18) 11) "Slide," by Calvin Harris ft./Frank Ocean & Migos (3.18) 10) "It Ain't Me," by Kygo x Selena Gomez (3.4) 9) "Now & Later," by Sage the Gemini (2.25) 8) "Shape of You," by Ed Sheeran (1.28) 7) "That's What I Like," by Bruno Mars (3.4) 6) "Chanel," by Frank Ocean ft./A$AP Rocky (4.1) 5) "Green Light," by Lorde (3.18) 4) "Run Up," by Major Lazer ft./PARTYNEXTDOOR & Nicki Minaj (2.18) 3) "Despacito," by Luis Fonsi ft./Daddy Yankee (2.4) 2) "Issues," by Julia Michaels (2.11) 1) "iSpy," by KYLE ft./Lil Yachty (1.14) “iSpy” is a freshly-minted Top 10 hit, and I’m so excited for that. Light the way forward, KYLE. Show the world it’s okay to be happy and make fun songs.

Who won the week?

Frank Ocean had the best individual song, and that is to be commended, but oh my stars does 2007 ever take it. “With Love” would sink weaker ships, but we had “Beautiful Liar” and “Get it Shawty” on this one, along with the Yoshi’s Island sounds and the bass line in an Amy Winehouse song. “Chanel” took to the seas with one pretty cool Nicki song, two bleh Nicki songs, fucking 6LACK, and a Lorde song not meant to live on its own. It falls to the bottom of the ocean, and future underwater anthropologists (prolly a thing?) will find it in the wreckage and ask how..

Official Standings 2007: 1 2017: 0 (it kinda won last week, but I’m not counting that as a win, because honestly that was more scouting report than battle.)

Rough week for 2017, but hey: Drake made a new thing! If nothing else, at least this week wasn’t that.