#oh— and the midi controller/keyboard that

[sarasa-cat]

Nothing quite like that feeling of putting on a freshly washed pair of pants … and spilling a good amount of dirty dishwater down one leg.

[littleintellectual]

this is for two people. after getting rid of a few. it's not a problem unless you admit it's a problem

[atalana]

but honestly if i had to sum up my entire feelings towards deltarune chapters 3 and 4 by listing a single favourite moment, it's when you're the abandoned soul listening at the grate while kris plays piano

like when i played through chapter 4 the first time i just sat there listening for ages

bc like 1) i have been saying for a while but especially in these chapters, deltarune is a fascinating game for the way it makes me as a player want to essentially stop being a player - not in a bad this isn't fun way but in a i genuinely care about kris and i would love to see more of them just being able to be themselves

and this is really. the only moment of that? we learn in ch4 that whatever kris is doing while soulless isn't entirely their own will either, they've got someone they're reporting to over the phone. and while that person's agenda is something they're much more on board with than what the player/susie/ralsei are trying to do, it's pretty clear they're not enjoying it either. eating the pie in ch1 was offscreen, and their soulless segments in ch2 and the rest of ch4 were in some way serving that agenda. but here, no, kris gets off the phone and they're clearly so tired and just need a break and to be themselves for a bit. and the way they go about that is by making themselves a glass of chocolate milk and then playing song after song on the piano

2) god this provides so much context for the piano parts of 1 & 2. at the end of both chapters if you interact with the piano in the hospital you can try to play it, which goes terribly. when you do it in ch2 susie makes a comment about oh thank god i thought for a second you could actually play it, and kris just glares at her. without the knowledge granted in ch4 that just comes across as stop making fun of me, but once you've heard kris play for yourself? then it's heartbreaking.

bc like, we know kris has always been a pretty quiet kid, we know they're not a fan of hugs or eye contact, the autism coding is strong with this one. we know they're someone much more likely to get a point across by doing rather than saying. all that in mind, and considering music was the first thing they turned to when they had that moment of freedom, i think piano was a genuinely important form of self expression for them. and not only losing access to that, but to have your friend make fun of you for not being able to play, that's gotta cut deep

(and that's the other thing - i don't think it's just that piano played by the soul wouldn't be theirs, i think they have skills the soul doesn't. like the other big piano moment in ch4 down in the dark world, yes the game gives you sheet music but it's too long to meaningfully follow, and you don't even have to look at it for that scene to happen. to me that comes across as kris can read music, but the person controlling their soul can't. they play terribly on the hospital piano bc while you are controlling them they can't do better. which makes it such a meaningful moment because without anything in the game having to say so or anything dramatic having to happen, you do kinda hand over control to them to play a piece that resonates in the way that only they are capable of)

3) the last tiny detail im so glad toby put in bc i find it so endearing - the audio files for kris' piano playing aren't digitally created (most likely someone on a midi keyboard but my point is they're played by hand). and i know that because kris does not play perfectly. they sound like most piano playing teenagers i know, they have skill but they are still learning, you can hear the parts where they break tempo because they need just slightly more time to get their fingers in the right position for the next chord. and again it's beautiful because it makes it theirs. unlike almost everything else in this game, they're not doing this because for one reason or another they have to. they're doing it because that's who they are, flaws and all. and i could listen to it forever

[patheticprogrammingperson]

OH SING ME A SONG YOU’RE THE WORKSTATION KEYBOARD IN A PIANO CASE BEING USED AS A MIDI CONTROLLER FOR A VST PIANO RUNNING IN A RACK UNIT (Did you know they used to make dedicated rackmount VST hosts?) MANNNNNNNNN

[taperwolf]

I pulled out an old project I have that I called the "PiPiano". It's just an old Raspberry Pi 2B computer that I've set up to be a synthesizer; it uses the FluidSynth software synthesizer and some glue logic I set up to connect to USB MIDI instruments and output faux piano sounds (or any other instrument that's in the General MIDI soundfont). I mostly wanted to verify that it still works, since I don't think I've used it in literal years, so I just plugged it in, hooked up my little Alesis QX25 keyboard and some headphones, and started messing with it.

And almost immediately it sounded wrong. Oh, it sounded like a piano, sure, but if I played too hard, or lingered too long on the keys, the audio started to develop a vibrato, a quick wavering in pitch, just as if I'd turned up the modulation wheel. What the hell? But then I realized what was going on:

I had never before used the PiPiano with a controller that had MIDI aftertouch.

To over explain, keyboard controllers come in levels of complexity. At the most basic, when you hit the keys, you get a note. More advanced ones (most of the ones you can get now) have what's called "Velocity", where if you hit the key more softly, you get a quieter note, and you hit the key harder for a louder note, modeling what goes on in a piano when the speed of your playing gets transferred to the hammers.

But the step of complexity after that is "Aftertouch", where there's a separate pressure sensitive layer under the keyboard (or even under each key), where you can affect the note after you've played it by holding the key and pressing even harder. The default mapping of that in FluidSynth is into this vibrato pitch modulation, and I'd just never had a keyboard good enough to find this out!

(Not that the QX25 is a super amazing keyboard, mind; it used to be the "good enough" sub-$100 25-key model, and I found mine at a thrift store, covered in kids' stickers and glitter, for $15. But I'd previously used with this, at best, sub-$100 49-key keyboards, or even the Rock Band keytar, so it's not surprising that none of them had aftertouch!)

[sosquaresowhat]

I didn't think much of how limited the accessibility options were (I knew they were limited but not to what extent) until I got tendonitis in my dominant hand. I couldn't hold a controller, couldn't click a mouse, couldn't use a keyboard, and I could barely use my phone's touch screen.

In game options for one handed play? Damn near nonexistent unless I took 20+ minutes to manually key bind things for my left hand. Oh and those binds would reset on game launch.

No sweat, surely there's a market for single handed controllers, I'll just buy one of those!

I couldn't find any. As in they legitimately do not exist where I can purchase them. No big deal though here's like 20+ youtube videos and files on how to 3d print your own adaptors to make an Xbox controller one handed. All you need is a 3d printer and your god damn dominant hand to resize all the files to fit your after market xbox controller and hours upon hours to waste waiting for prints.

Or you could buy xbox's adaptive controller for what $500 at the time? Oh I forgot to mention I had just been fired days before and couldn't spend $500 on anything but rent.

So options at this point... get a flight stick? Midi fighter? Child sized controller? All damn near impossible to find or way too expensive.

So I stopped playing games for a whole month until my tendonitis healed. Then I broke my finger on the same fucking hand and couldn't play games for a whole ass other fucking month.

I'm sort of back to gaming now, but I have to take frequent breaks because my whole hand is still healing. And this was only temporary for me, I can't imagine how frustrating this is for people who are impacted by permanent or longterm issues.

i will never understand the insane takes against having games be more accessible

[toodeepforyou]

all i want is a new audio interface, a better control surface, a smaller midi keyboard, and some fat fucking tits is that so much to ask

[depthbuffer]

On the one hand, I am once again wide awake at 1am because my belly hurts, the latest in a long line of unrelated ailments that seemingly insist on forming an orderly queue and playing out one after the other over years, instead of being mostly well with the occasional bout of sickness here and there like a normal person.

On the other hand, I just scored a barely used second-hand Keystep Pro, and a massively discounted B-stock DSM-03, a module I didn't even know existed until I stumbled across the listing. (In fact, I never even knew Dave Smith Instruments made modules, however briefly.)

The basic concept is Karplus-Strong in a box, but because it's Eurorack, all the building blocks have their own inputs and outputs. Karplus-Strong is a "plucked string" synthesis technique that works by feeding a short noise pulse into a feedback loop consisting of a low-pass filter and precisely timed delay, so you end up with a repeating wave with frequency based on the delay time, and decay as each repeat goes through the filter. Breaking that into its component parts, this module lets you feed in any audio, not just its internal noise pulse; the attack & decay of the noise pulse can be tweaked; and the filter cutoff & resonance, feedback loop gain, and delay length are CV-controlled. I particularly like how, with a smeared long attack noise pulse, it starts to sound panpipe-y.

The Erica Synths Pico Voice has a Karplus-Strong mode, which I used for the "guitar" on this track - along with overdrive for grit, a dash of volt/octave tuned squeal from a self-oscillating filter, a touch of reverb, then feeding the whole post-oscillator signal chain back on itself and blending back in with the dry stopping *just* before the point where notes would devolve into feedback whine rather than fade away, because why use real hardware if you aren't going to abuse feedback loops in ways DAWs can't do?

But I kind of like having the "real thing" in a module. Plus the thrill of having scored something slightly rare for a bargain price. The Pico Voice, being a fully digital, 3HP module, is awesome at doing exactly what it is advertised as doing, but has no patching potential beyond being an oscillator.

(video not mine)

However, it's 10HP I hadn't planned to fill this way; I had a plan for the remaining space in my case and this wasn't part of it. Oh well. A problem for future self. 🙃

The Keystep Pro I had planned to get for a while, because up until now I've only had a cheap keyboard with USB MIDI out, and only a single channel 16 step hardware sequencer, so I've had to have my PC on & DAW running, relying on MIDI-to-CV to actually pay my modular rig. Which kind of sucks for experimenting/meditating, and rules out live jamming, when you only have two CV outs and no expression or pitch bend. So I might start streaming at some point, just casually on twitch maybe.

[osakanone]

oh this explains

sooooo much

soooo much

pictured...

7 monitors

6 usb hubs with independent switching

midi mixing hub

n52 speedpad

6-axis CAD controller "spacemouse"

"Moonlander" split keyboard

secondary keyboard

Lhinkpad connected via synergy to act as one machine

Logitech Ergo trackball

Tobii 4c eyetracker

XBox Kinect 2 posture/headtracker

PS3 eye retooled for headtracking

UV5R radio connected to external antennae with substack switcher

Many many buttons, knobs and sliders

yeah idk i need my enrichment

edit:

Hoping to get a 3d printer next year so I can unironically build a mecha simpit and a custom simulator to go with it (the software is nearly done and the planning schema is done, i just need to fab the gimball, mounts and casings)

fun fact: on 70% of failed monitors, the inverter has failed. you can buy the failed ones in a lot, and replace the inverter from those with cracked screens and get a working monitor for like 20 dollars and then use the rest of the parts for electronics projects.

i'm not rich: i just fix things which are broken that other people throw out. that's why i'm still using a 1080 and a ryzen 1700x in 2024 lmao disability does not pay enough for me to have the setup of my dreams

anyway, may I recommend:

new stimtoy idea: 80s-90s anime sci-fi cockpit

Put me in one of these bad boys and I will be entertained for hours

[deepnerdblog]

Flow States, Process, Experiments and Creative shtuff

So like... the goal is to take cool riffs from guitar and keyboard and cool beats and make some cool shit. To write out riffs and take notes and be able to go from loops and or riffs to some really pleasing sounding shit. Looping or having a well laid out sound room with mics and a master keyboard with some form of control for all hardware is all about setting up the tools in a way that you can 'sculpt sound' or fuck around and find something groovy. It's hard to keep the stuff straight and keep the technology from getting in your way when you want to just go. A lot of synth hardware guys have their default sort of thing - they turn on power and just go. Having a lot of choices - DAWless master clocks and eurorack and just going on, four on the floor and patch the lfo into something and make a well sound designed loop. which personally has always been a bitch to turn into something more than a loop (but it's easier if you have that mixed loop broken down into discreet channels). or taking samples and stretching the sample into something that spices up lame loops into something groovy.

So what I have is reaper and a template to drive every piece of hardware from one controller. Depending on which channel is receiving midi, the CC controllers(drive most of the knobs etcetera with a instance of a JS Midimapper script for each CC). Technology shit which is all well and good, but at some point I need the sound design stage to become the song writing stage. Which needs to be fast, which is why having everything sync'ed up and two or three clicks of a button from recording ideas is handy. So the other accomplishment today was saving Templates - one for my Midi hardware, one for the Looper8 template, and one for VCVRack and it's associated channel outs. Fiddly stuff to make cool noises.

The other thing I've tinkered with is simply going back to old loops and beats - so I can grab good old jeskola buzz for throbbing bass and filters, run sound from my desktop into my current reaper setup, then go from there. Old Reason and buzz were great quick ways to get funky ideas down and then export stuff to a platform for recording and refining. The tracker workflow is fiddly but expansive.

YMMV- whichever tool gets you stuck in and nodding your head quickly is the best tool to get into the flowstate. Floops etc.

Writing this journal and alternating between philosophical overviews and technical jibber jabber is actually really useful for me. It saves me from wearing down people around me with rants 'oh hey i am frustrated with obscure hobby triviality thing number 2918' and also it helps me explore my process.

So the other interesting thing on the philosophy and 10,000 feet above process is to think about how the energy of the making stuff process affects the actual stuff being made. Like techno or house are based on evolving repetition, on mixable semi formulaic ear candy that is made through iterative editing and refinement. The loops sound good looping and sounding good and iterating while delighting the ear somewhere between the expected and unexpected. The loop and the dancefloor have a mindless sympatico. Meanwhile traditional song formats have overdubbing and harmonies that delight the ear via layers and groove, basic harmonic palette and auditory storytelling. The format and the process are intertwined, the ad libs and the back up singing and the motifs and the throwbacks to genre convention all create the pop music Vibe. From Deelite to Silk Sonic to classic funk. To abstract rhythmic chaos to the almost Pink Floyd like style of Hawtin and Namlok decades ago. Production is the process of ingredients and preparation that go into songwriting and it's a damn messy hobby but a entertaining obsession.

[hyliandude]

Learning Music Log - Day 1:

I am someone that has never played an instrument, never been part of band, never even known how to start. For the past year I’ve been fascinated with Lo-Fi music, so I figured I’d try making some myself. Again, with no experience in anything myself, I figured I’d need some tools to make electronic music. An old friend of mine from high school had some songs signed and sold through Beatport, and I remember him using FL Studio at home. Just messing around with the tools was interesting to watch, but the interface and process always intimidated me.

Another artist I follow on my art blog, Artem Solop, is also big into making his own electronic music and beats. Although I do not know him personally, I have always liked his style. The unique thing about his method, is that he utilizes his Nintendo DS and Switch as instruments. Synths, Compressors, and Drum Machines have always intrigued me, but I could never tell one thing from the other, and here was this guy using them from his Nintendo consoles to make something sounds good. Cables routed from one system to another – how does he do it?

I figured I’d plunge in headfirst – well, as “headfirst” as I could while still adhering to baby steps…I know the hobby can be expensive if left unchecked.

I bought KORG Gadget for Nintendo Switch about 2 weeks ago to start this journey – an inexpensive grab through Amazon for just 30$. I have no idea what it is, but it’s what Artem seems to use in his videos. The tool is described as such:

-Robust music composition/production tools in a compact cartridge

-Simple to use and easy to understand; anyone can create music anywhere and everywhere

-16 different synthesizer and drum machine gadgets with additional DLC gadgets available

-Gadgets have retro-inspired tactile control knobs that you can turn by rotating the Joy-Con controllers

And to be honest, it did not disappoint. It was a great way to wrap my mind around the synths, tracks, and “scenes” as they are laid out in the simple to use interface. I was determined to begin this journey in a self-taught, but organized manner. I had googled a few things before starting anything:

1. Simple music theory – I had no idea that notes/scales determine how well something sounds. A lot of you may think that that’s obvious, but again, my music knowledge started in 4th grade with a mandatory recorder recital and ended with the 5 colors on the guitar hero guitar. At the most basic level, I learned that scales could be set (C Major, A minor, etc.) and most tools used to create music (a digital audio workstation, or DAW for short) had a setting to allow “helpers” that would highlight keys in any given scale. From there on, I figured out that experimenting and playing randomly sounded better if I followed the scale guidelines.

2. How different chords on a piano/keyboard evoke different emotions depending on what scale you’re in. Major chord happy. Minor chord sad.

3. After talking to my fiancé (a former band geek that played flute!) I also learned that the concept of “chords” did not apply to the flute, so I also realized how different instruments were from one another…

Aside from those few things, I didn’t really look into anything else before attempting to ‘craft’ a song on the Switch.

Immediately, I could tell that the different synth gadgets varied and specialized in different things. The Marseille gadget had some great piano, electric piano, and orchestral instrument presets; the Helsinki gadget was great at ambient/relaxing sounds; the London drum gadget was great at…well…drum sounds and beats! Each of the city inspired gadgets brought something unique to the table. The Switch’s controls were intuitive. Copying and pasting, moving notes, playing tracks vs. just playing scenes was something that I was able to pick up in around 30 minutes without even ‘sniffing’ the user guide. By messing around I actually learned more about notes, half beats, and chord progressions all on my own.

Before I knew it, I had crafted a song that was about 3 minutes long. Deep, ambient intro, catchy simple melody, and the typical ‘lo-fi’ drums set to 79 BPM. I was impressed at how good it sounded. I knew there were things I was messing up, or could probably do better, but I was still proud of it.

Hopping on to YouTube I found a TON of tutorials covering music theory, lo-fi beat making lessons, “dos and don’ts”, best plugins for DAWs and more. Before long, I invested in an AKAI Professional MPK Mini Play USB MIDI Keyboard controller (hastily, as it seems like the Arturia Minilab might have been a better grab? Lmk), got set up with a subscription to Melodics HQ to learn the basics of playing a keyboard, and installed FL Studio on my computer. After a week of using the Korg Gadget on Switch, I found that FL Studio had a bunch of the same principals in its interface, and I found myself digging in with minimal research into how to use the tool.

By purchasing the Korg Gadgets online, I was able to continue using the same tools I was already familiar with on the Switch inside of FL Studio’s more robust interface.

I was able to recreate the song I made on the Switch in FL Studio. This was a great way to familiarize myself with the tool in an almost step-by-step tutorial I had already made for myself.

After I had gotten a grip with using FL Studio at a basic level, I decided to try mirroring some Lo-fi beat YouTube tutorial videos. To my surprise, I found myself not really liking the final product, even after following the instructor’s guidelines. I don’t think I am a fan of “oh you NEED to do this and this for it to be a good song”. I do think that a basic understanding of music theory is key before even starting, but I don’t know how I feel about new and upcoming musicians following strict rules about how something should sound when it’s literally an art form used for expression and fun.

I was happier with the first song I made just messing around on my Switch than the song I made trying to emulate a Lo-fi beat guided by a professional producer on YouTube… and it got me thinking…I think Giorgio Moroder was right in that one Daft Punk song:

“Once you free your mind about a concept of

Harmony and of music being correct

You can do whatever you want

So nobody told me what to do

And there was no preconception of what to do”

I’m looking forward to learning more – after all, it’s only been a few days!

-Franco

[ariannjs]

NEW YEAR’S GIFT | A SasuSaku FanFic (One Shot)

Happy happy new year, everyone! Thank you so much for all the support you've been giving me as I continued writing for SasuSaku last year! Writing is highly therapeutic for me and seeing your comments uplift me even more. Thank you for making 2020 bearable and survivable! Y'all are encouragements to me!

I don’t post much on tumblr anymore since I’m more active on Twitter, AO3, and FF, but here’s a new year fic for y’all! 

Hope you enjoy this fic! :D God bless! - A ------

“It's been a tradition, Sakura-chan. We either open our Christmas gifts on New Year's Eve or get another gift for everyone specifically for the New Year that's why Sasuke told you to give your Christmas gift today.”

Sakura remembered Itachi's words when she first joined the Uchihas for their New Year's Eve celebration five years ago, back when she and Sasuke weren’t married yet. She smiled at the memory. Every year after that, she found herself giddy with excitement to buy gifts for the whole family – one for Christmas and another for New Year.

This year was a bit different because she only bought Christmas gifts for everyone, which she already distributed on Christmas Eve. She smirked as she stepped inside their car. She watched her husband place his gifts for his family inside the trunk. 

For the second time that day, Sasuke asked, “Are you sure you didn’t forget anything, Sakura?”

“Yes, Anata. Don’t worry.” Then she heard him close the trunk with a loud thud.

When Sasuke got inside the car, Sakura bit her lower lip to restrain a smile, trying her best to act as normal as she could. Her husband glanced at him from the corner of his eye before revving the engine. Then with a sigh, he pulled out of the driveway so they could go on their way to the Uchiha Manor.

Their travel was silent except for the soft volume of an Electro-pop Rock track in the background. Sakura’s eyes were fixed on the snow-soaked surroundings. Sasuke peeked at her every once in a while as he silently tapped the steering wheel with his fingers. 

After a few moments, he was the first who broke the silence. “Sakura.”

“Hm?” His wife met his eyes and smiled. For a moment, Sasuke swallowed hard as he took in the way she looked at him. He cleared his throat and quickly shifted his gaze to the road. 

“N-nothing.” Whatever he intended to say went down the drain. He gripped the steering wheel tighter.

“Are you sure?”

“Tch. Annoying.”

Sakura grinned, shaking her head. “We’re already married and you still call me annoying? Seriously though, what did you want to say?”

“Stunning.” Sasuke cleared his throat. “Y-you’re stunning.”

Sakura’s eyes widened while a tinge of pink dusted her cheeks. Then she chuckled. “Thank you, Sasuke-kun. I’m glad that you still find me attractive even after three months of our marriage.”

Her husband scoffed. “Sakura, I will always find my wife attractive.”

“Even when I get fatter?”

“Aa.”

“Even when my acne breaks out every month?”

“As if that matters.”

“Even when my hair turns white?”

“Tch. Of course.”

Sakura reached out to pinch his cheeks, which made him groan.

“Sakura, I’m driving.”

“You’re weirdly sweet today.” She giggled.

“And you’re weirdly happy today,” Sasuke replied, his eyes not meeting hers.

Sakura tilted her head to one side. “I am?”

“Yeah. You’ve been smiling a lot as if you’re hiding something,” Sasuke finally said.

“Wait, what?” Sakura’s chuckle filled the car. “I’m just happy because it’s the New Year, Anata. And I’m spending it with you!”

Sasuke just sighed and let it go as he turned to the last street towards the Uchiha Manor. Sakura, on the other hand, just smiled to herself again.

 When they reached the manor, Izachi – Itachi and Izumi’s son – welcomed them by the door. “Auntie Sakura! Uncle Sasuke!” The child exclaimed while giving them both a tight hug. “You came just in time! It’s time for the gifts!”

“Oh, it is?” Sakura looked at him with fondness as he tugged her hand, with Sasuke following suit.

True enough, gifts were scattered on the floor near the huge Christmas tree in the living room. Embraces were exchanged with the rest of Sasuke’s family before the couple found their spot on the floor.

As usual, Fugaku and Mikoto proceeded in giving their gifts first. Izachi was giddy to open not only his gifts but even the ones that his mother and father received, making the atmosphere lighter for everyone. 

To Sasuke and Sakura’s surprise, they received two big studio monitors from their parents, the ones that they were planning to buy for their Music Studio at home. Sasuke’s smile was so wide that Sakura even poked him to tease him. 

When it was Izumi and Itachi’s turn to give their gifts, Izachi took the packages and handed them to his aunt and uncle. Sakura gasped at the designer bag that she received from Izumi, while she almost cried when she opened the pair of headphones from Itachi.

“I needed a new one so bad! This is so timely, nii-san!” She exclaimed.

“I’m pretty sure Sasuke has an even better gift for you, though.” Itachi chuckled, earning a glare from his younger brother. To redeem himself, he called for his son to give their family’s gift to Sasuke.

Sasuke’s eyes widened upon opening the box containing a new high-end MIDI keyboard controller. “You bought me the new release? Thank you, nii-san, Izumi-nee.”

Itachi smirked. “Anything for my foolish little brother. Now, what’s your gift to your wife?”

Sasuke shot a glare at him again but ended up sighing when he noticed her wife’s soft gaze.

“I told you it’s okay if you don’t give another gift to me, Anata.”

“You need this, though.” Sasuke handed a wrapped box to her. “Open it.”

Sakura did as she was told. Then, she gasped. “Sasuke-kun!”

Sasuke smiled. “You like it?”

“How could I not like a new laptop with specs fit for producing?”

Sasuke chuckled as he watched how Sakura took out the laptop from its box.

“Thank you, Anata. Thank you so much.” She bit her lower lip. “Are you ready for my gift now?”

Sasuke’s forehead creased. “You didn’t bring anything, though.”

Sakura released an exhale and then faced everyone in the room. “My New Year’s gift for everyone is…” She glanced at Sasuke again, smiling from ear to ear, before she announced, “I’m pregnant.”

Izumi and Mikoto instantly hugged her and congratulated her while Fugaku and Itachi smiled. Sasuke, however, felt as if something was stuck in his throat while he stared at his wife.

When Izumi and Mikoto returned to their seats, Sakura warily turned to Sasuke. “Aren’t you happy, Anata?”

Sasuke simply stared at her, then after a beat, his lips caught hers.

Their family cheered as they shared a passionate kiss. It felt like their wedding day all over again.

Sasuke pulled away and rested his forehead against Sakura’s. “So this is what you’ve been hiding, huh? How could I not be happy? I’m going to be a father because of you.”

Tears brimmed Sakura’s eyes as she gazed at her husband.

Sasuke smiled. “This is the best New Year’s gift I’ve ever received.”

[ratedbangtann]

Divided; KNJ

𝗬𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗰𝗮𝗿𝗲𝗲𝗿 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝗕𝗶𝗴𝗛𝗶𝘁 𝗶𝘀 𝗷𝘂𝘀𝘁 𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗿𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴; 𝙙𝙤 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙡𝙡𝙮 𝙬𝙖𝙣𝙣�� 𝙨𝙘𝙧𝙚𝙬 𝙞𝙩 𝙪𝙥 𝙖𝙡𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙙𝙮? You just landed your dream job, fought through the audition process to be here when one Kim Namjoon takes an interest in you. Perhaps you let him get a little too close... And now, you’re in more trouble than you bargained for...

Part One | Part Two | Part Three

Pairing Kim: Namjoon x Reader Warnings: Angst, brief smut (oral, f receiving), controlling relationships. Word Count: 8.1k Please consider supporting me here: Tip Jar & Commissions ******************************************************

You stand in front of the building, clutching your warm coffee in your hands. The news called for a drop in the weather, but you weren't expecting it to be this cold out. Still, you hesitate to step into the building; step into your future, despite how cold you are.

"What is wrong with me?" you think to yourself, "I won. I deserve to be here."

After shaking off your nerves you make your way inside BigHit. A friendly staff member greets you at the front desk by name and asks for you to follow him down the hall to the elevators.

"Excited to get to work?" the staff member asks once the elevator starts rising.

"Yeah, I think so... I guess I'm just so nervous. I'm not sure what to expect or, better yet, what they're expecting of me," you respond.

"Ah, you'll do great things here. This place is like a family; we all work hard to make sure you and the other artists exceed and show your true potential as talented singers and song writers. I saw your audition and let me say; you will fit in just fine," the staff member encourages. You both arrive at a studio with a neon sign above the door that reads 'vacant'.

"Well, this is your stop. Feel free to experiment with the all the buttons and tech stuff. Your manager will meet with you shortly. Welcome to BigHit, Y/N." with a gentle hug, the staff member says his goodbyes and makes his way back towards the elevators. You enter the room and although you've never been here, or inside BigHit for that matter, the studio feels familiar.

You wander the room looking at the different picture frames on the walls, the small red couch along the back wall, the electric piano stationed besides a computer desk, the large window into the small vocal booth behind the mixing desk, an expensive mic hanging from a stand in the middle. You sit in front of the piano, looking around once more before letting out a sigh.

"I'm finally here. This is my new reality," you say to yourself. A smile starts to form on your face and butterflies start to flutter in your stomach. "I'm actually here! Oh my god," you say to yourself again, your voice jumping an octave in excitement.

That jolt of excitement was short lived when you took out your phone and realized you had five missed calls.

"Ugh," you groan, rolling your eyes. "I said I was going to be busy today... Well, I'm already in trouble for not answering. What's the point in responding and getting shit right now, when I'm gonna get it at home anyway?" you thought. You put the phone back in your pocket and slump in the desk chair waiting for your manager to come in at any moment.

Minutes seem to feel like hours as you sway back and forth in the chair, still waiting. Your mind is so caught up in missing those phone calls that you're starting to feel anxious. Your head turns to the midi keyboard stationed next to you; you reach your fingers over one of the keys and let it rest. Not knowing the piano was already on, it chimes and startles you. You shoot upright in the chair and try to calm your nerves again.

Making music was always your escape from the hell you live in; from childhood right up to now. Writing poems and turning them into art makes this life worth living to you. You decide playing a little bit might settle you down and make you feel more at home, like it usually did.

As you start playing you instantly feel as if you're the only person to exist in the world. Your fingers hit the right keys so naturally, you don't even have to look down to see what you're doing. You start to sing a piece you've been working on and you lose yourself in the music.

Down the hallway, a young man is making his way towards the elevators after a long day of work, but halts in front of the studio you're occupying when he hears someone singing from the other end. He's never heard such a voice and wondered who could possibly be in the room. The sign still read vacant and the door was unlocked, so he took a peak inside without having you notice and distract you. You're completely in your element.

The young man watching you play the piano leaned against the door frame in total astonishment as he hears your voice complement the notes perfectly.

"Kim Namjoon! So glad for you to join us!" another man said, startling Namjoon. He was so captivated by your playing that he didn't notice another man walking towards him. Surprised, you slam your fingers on the piano and shot up out of your seat.

"O-oh, I am so sorry!" you blurt out, bowing towards the two men instinctively.

"No, it's quite alright Y/N. This is where you'll be working in for the time being so it's your studio more than anyone else's. You can play as much as you please," the mysterious man assured.

"You know my name," you say to him, eyes wide and feeling more than a little bewildered.

"That I do, Y/N! I'm Niko, your new manager and words can't describe how excited I am to finally meet you! I've heard so much – you were amazing in the audition. Once I heard your voice I knew you'd be the one they'd choose!" Niko goes on. He seems very enthusiastic and energetic, someone you're not used to being around or socialising with for that matter. He's looks rather young and dressed in a casual outfit with blue slim-fit jeans, a nice white button up shirt. He goes on introducing himself but your eyes lock with Namjoon who stays still by the door.

"Oh, where are my manners?", Niko says. "Y/N, I'd like for you to meet Mr. Kim Namjoon." As if he needed introducing... BTS were the reason you'd been so eager for a place in BigHit. Namjoon gingerly steps into the studio next to Niko.

"Pleasure to meet you", he says as he takes a bow.

"Pleasure's all mine", you respond.

"I apologise but I couldn't help but hear you as I was walking to the elevators. You're rather talented. I look forward to hearing your work," says Namjoon. He bites his lip and flashes you a dimple-inducing smile.

"Cute," you thought. Niko, who is standing between you two, flashes his eyes back and forth from you and Namjoon.

"Ohhhkay Y/N, it's time to get down to business. We need to look over your schedule for the next week and I need to catch you up to speed with the company policies and such. Namjoon, sorry but I can't have you distract my new prized possession with all this,"- he hovers his hands over Namjoon's physique – "going on, so off you go. Go make magic happen some place else. You can flirt all you want later," Niko jokes. Namjoon chuckles and shakes his head at Niko's words and you can't help but to feel a little shy. You feel your cheeks get warm and you suspect it's noticeable that you're blushing. Namjoon takes out a lollipop from his jacket pocket and starts to unwrap it.

"Its always fun having you around Niko," he says before pushing the lollipop past his lips; so full and soft... "I'll leave you two to business. Hope to see you around, Y/N," Namjoon says to you as he backs up out of the door and closes it.

"Dreamy isn't he?," Niko jokes, "If you ever need help when it comes to song writing, Mr. Kim is the perfect resource. Keep note of that."

"Will do, Niko", you assure with a shy smile. You and Niko spend the rest of the evening doing paperwork and working on future schedules when you lose track of the time.

"Oh shit it's late, I have to go!" you blurt out. Niko, a bit taken aback gets up from his seat as you gather your things.

"The night is still young! We can get more stuff done if you stay a little longer," Niko encourages but although you rather be here all night discussing meetings, music, and scheduling, you know you must return home before you're in deeper trouble than you already think you are.

"I'll be back first thing tomorrow morning, I promise. I'm so sorry but I really gotta go," you say as you rush to the elevator. Once the elevator doors open you jump in and bump into someone as they were coming out. You both fall back against the wall and you start to apologise repeatedly before you realise it was Namjoon.

"Are you alright? Is something wrong?" he asks in a worried tone.

"Yeah I'm fine I just really need to get home. I lost track of the time and I-" you begin to say but suddenly, Namjoon holds on to your arms and cuts you off.

"Its alright, please... just calm down. You're okay. How about I take you home? You'll get there much faster than walking and it's dark out; could be dangerous. I just need to get something I forgot in my studio. How does that sound?" he asks in a calming voice. Although you don't want to be a bother to him, he does have a point. It was already dark outside, and you're not dressed appropriately to walk all the way home in the extreme November chill.

"I'd appreciate that, thank you so much," you say to him.

"Perfect." He says back with a smile. There are those dimples again... You follow him to his studio as he searches around for whatever her forgot to grab. You take a look at his set up and the figurines he has neatly displayed on shelves against the wall.

Out of the corner of your eye, you notice a tiny little pair of shoes; a baby's shoes. You wondered why he had them. Did he want a family some day? Did he have a little one in his family? You found yourself wanting to know more about the man in front of you.

"This is your studio? It's really nice," you compliment. "You collect these?" You run your finger along one of the shelves absentmindedly.

"Thank you," he chuckled. "It started out as a gift and grew into a collection. You'll have this soon enough when people hear that voice of yours."

Your stomach flipped a little as he returned your compliment. You weren't used to all this praise over your talent, especially from such an established artist.

The two of you made your way out through the building and to the parking garage on the basement level. Namjoon made his way over to a perfectly ordinary little red car. You followed him, a little confused. He was surely a multi-millionaire, yet he drove a car that looked exactly like the one your parents had handed down to him when he first passed his test.

He saw you looking at his beloved rust bucket with confusion and laughed aloud as he unlocked it.

"Don't judge me, Y/N. It gets me from A to B and it's not too flash; it doesn't draw attention. And I only got my license a few months ago, so I don't mind if I scrape this one up a little," he laughed. Ah! Now it made sense.

You both stepped into the car and he turned the key, the engine spluttering to life.

As he drove through Seoul, you stared out of the window, gently humming along to the radio. The city was brought to life in the dark, with neon lights flashing to entice the tourists and huge tall buildings stretching up towards the stars; far different from your hometown.

Namjoon kept asking little questions, wanting to know more about the new talent at BigHit; where you were from, how old you were, how you came to BigHit... he was so interested in you, never once talking about himself. You'd give him directions to your apartment building every so often, and before long the neighbourhood started to look familiar.

"This is me, right around the corner," you pointed, and Namjoon started to slow. "Just here." He stopped outside your apartment block, switching off the engine. You unbuckled your seatbelt, gathering your bag when you noticed Namjoon unbuckling his too. You panicked.

"Um... what are you doing?" you asked shyly.

"Oh, I was gonna walk you to your do-"

"No!" you interrupted without thinking, immediately feeling guilty for shutting down his friendly gesture. Namjoon looked at you with wide eyes, a hint of sadness mixed in with his confusion. "I-it's just... it's cold out, and you've already done so much for me by driving me home. I'll um... I'll see you around?"

Namjoon nodded, confusion still obvious on his brow.

"I'll be around tomorrow, if you need anything," he offered with a smile.

"Thank you so much. Bye, Namjoon," you stepped out of the car and made your way out into the chilly night air, walking up the path to your building. Namjoon waited and watched to see you got inside safely. You turned around and waved to him, smiling sweetly, before stepping into the warmth.

Namjoon started his engine, sighing to himself, and drove off into the night.

****************

"Sounds good, y/n! Take five, okay?" Niko spoke through your headphones via the talkback button on the mixing desk while you were in your little vocal booth. You'd just been messing around really. You had both gone over scheduling early that morning when you arrived first thing - as promised - and were now messing around with a track you'd been working on with your limited supplies at home. With all this state of the art tech, you could really let your creativity flow.

You stepped out of the booth and sat yourself down on the couch, waiting for a little feedback from Niko. He span around on the desk chair to face you.

"Okay, I'm loving this so far. It's early days, but your first song is sounding good. We'll need an outside ear on it later on, but for now, we'll keep working on it. I'm gonna break for lunch, do you want me to bring you anything?"

"No, I'm good thank you. See you in a bit!" Niko picked up his satchel bag and slung it over his shoulder, waving as he left the studio.

You sat back in the desk chair, pulling yourself towards the computer to fiddle with the little recordings you had just made.

"Knock knock," said a voice from the open doorway. You jumped in your seat, swirling around to see Namjoon leaning against the doorway, his hands in his pockets. "Thought I'd check in, see if you're settling in okay."

You smiled and looked down at your hands in your lap, "yeah, it's going well so far."

Namjoon stepped forwards and placed a hand on the back of your chair, leaning down to look at the screen.

"Can I hear?" he asked. You hit play automatically, letting him listen to the little bursts of recordings you had made. There was less than a minute of audio so far, but it was a start, and Namjoon was impressed already. He tapped his foot along to the beat, his lips growing into a wide smile as he watched the screen intently.

"Less than a minute and you already sound like a pro," he laughed. Your cheeks reddened a little at his praise.

"Thanks, we're just messing around really. Gotta start somewhere though," you chuckle. "Niko says that when the first track is done, we'll need an outside ear. The two of us working on the same track for hours on end might make us miss some mistakes."

Namjoon nodded along, understanding.

"Well, you can always ask me. In fact," he picked up a pen from your desk and a receipt he had in his back pocket for a coffee he'd bought that morning and scribbled his phone number on the top, handing it to you. "There. An outside ear. But feel free to shoot me a message any time if you wanna, like... hang out or something," he scratched the back of his head nervously, suddenly feeling a little shy.

"Sure, that sounds nice," you smiled.

A second too long passed by where neither of you said anything, just smiling at each other like idiots until Namjoon snapped himself out of it and cleared his throat.

"I gotta go, I have dance practise in like 30 minutes. See you soon, Y/N." He waved as he left, barely giving you enough time to wave back, let alone thank him. You looked down at the receipt left on the table, and pulled out your phone to add a new contact.

And then you sent him a text.

'Enjoy your dance practise. Don't work too hard.

See you soon.

Y/N x'

******************

As Namjoon steps through the door to the dance studio, he feels his phone buzz in his pocket. He steps into the room, greeted by the rest of the boys.

"Namjoon-hyung! You're late," Jungkook teases, hands on his hips like a child.

"It's fine, Kook. Just dump your stuff and we can get going," their choreographer smiles, turning back to the speakers and fiddling with some settings on them before the practise began.

Namjoon nodded and walked to the mirror, taking his phone, keys and wallet out of his pockets and placing them down on the floor. But not before checking that notification...

As he read the text, he smiled to himself. Your text. He's just typing his reply when Hoseok taps him on the shoulder.

"We're waiting," he says simply. Hobi always got so serious about dance practise. Namjoon nods again, hits send and moves to join the group for practise. *****************

Your phone buzzed on the mixing desk less than a minute after you'd put it down. Had he texted back already?

You picked it up and saw his name lit up on your screen. You couldn't help but smile at the thought of him being so quick to respond. It seems you had made a friend here already.

Will be done in just over an hour. Lunch?

Joon x

Your smile widened to a grin at his invitation. Of course, you were going to say yes.

Sounds good. You pick the place. Come to the studio when you're done! X

As you hit send, Niko stepped back into the room with a bagel and takeout coffee in his hands. You locked your phone and shoved it in your satchel bag on the floor, feeling a little secretive for some reason. You didn't want him to get the wrong idea...

"Alright, I said take five. It's been ten. The line at the coffee shop was tedious... Back in the booth, slacker," he joked, tipping the chair you were sat in and forcing you to stand and make your way back into the vocal booth.

*****************

At lunch, Namjoon had been nothing but a gentleman. You had only gone to a small street food stall and sat on a park bench to eat your fried squid in peace, but it was a nice afternoon – if slightly chilly – and you were able to really talk. It was amazing how much the two of you had in common; the way he'd talk so passionately about an art gallery he had visited that weekend, the way his eyes lit up when you mentioned his music and his bandmates and their influence on you and the market... It made you feel so close to him, like you'd known him your whole life.

And in return, Namjoon listened to you too. He wanted to know about your personal life; where you were from, what got you interested in music, what made you audition for BigHit. He wanted to know about your likes, your dislikes, what made you happy, what made you angry; he sat and listened to you intently, taking it all in and deciding that you were most definitely the kind of person he wanted in his life.

Eventually, you had to make your way back to the studio, and Namjoon had to do the same. Apparently, he and Hoseok were recording their raps on a new track that afternoon. He walked with you, the pair of you sharing more anecdotes from your past with smiles and laughter. It felt good to have a friend like him, so easy to talk to and someone who actually listened to you.

As you got back to the floor of studios, he dropped you off outside yours and headed down the corridor to his own little haven; but not first without turning back your way and flashing one of his oh so famous dimpled smiles.

****************

Over the weeks that followed, the two of you quite often spent lunch breaks together. You didn't always go out; sometimes you arranged to meet in the artist's lounge on the floor above the studios. Sometimes you were both so busy you had to eat in the studio. You'd even made your mother's famous 'galbi' recipe and brought enough for you both into work after telling him all about it. He'd made you promise he could try it after you spoke so highly of her recipe.

He'd spent time in the studio with you too, listening to what you were working on. He loved your music and would just sit in on your recording sessions. Sometimes the two of you would stay late to work on mixing and producing the tracks. His expertise was a great asset to have, but his company was more valuable to you.

Every so often, you'd notice him stood a little closer than considered normal, or when reaching for the mixing desk, your hands would brush against each other. The pair of you would just laugh it off, but the feeling in the pit of your stomach every time he came into contact with you was truly something you'd not felt in far too long...

"Hey, y/n," Joon knocked on your door one evening, just as he was heading home. You'd decided to stay late, seeing as you had the day off tomorrow; there were a few loose ends you wanted to tie up before your 24 hour break.

Your head snapped up at the sound of his voice, happy to hear him.

"Yes, Joonie?" you cooed, your nickname for him never failed to make him smile.

"I've got the day free tomorrow, and everyone's ditching me at the dorm. Movie marathon?" The thought of spending the day under blankets with snacks galore, watching movies with your best friend was enough to warm you from the inside out during these cold winter months.

"Sounds good to me. I'll bring the snacks."

*****************

"Alright, we've got... Road House, American Psycho or The Conjuring 2," Namjoon looked through the DVDs he had found in the living room but had never watched. Apparently, these were the only three available in the entire dorm. "Sorry, you'd think seven guys would have a larger DVD collection. We could stream someth-"

"Road House!" you cheered enthusiastically, interrupting. You loved that movie; it was a secret guilty pleasure of yours. Patrick Swayze was a Hollywood icon, and not bad to look at either... Namjoon popped the DVD into the player and sat back on the couch with you, the two of you sharing a blanket and a bowl filled with a mixture of M&Ms and popcorn.

Joon casually slung an arm around you, and you leaned into his side without a second thought. You were so comfortable around each other that there was no awkwardness at all. Your hands would occasionally meet in the bowl full of candy, but you'd throw an M&M at him and laugh it off.

In the film, Dolton was showing Doc his home, the sweet music playing over the top of the scene. You knew what was coming, and your cheeks started to redden. The pair start to sway together on the screen, as Patrick Swayze's character starts to pop the blonde's buttons open.

The two start to fumble with each other's clothing, and Swayze lifts her to sit around his waist, gently pushing her up against the wall.

Beneath your head, you could feel Joon's heartbeat rapidly increasing, his regular breathing turning into low, shallow breaths. You sat up to look at him as the rest of the steamy scene plays on the TV. Joon's eyes are fixed to the screen, like he doesn't want to look at you, but he also doesn't want to look away from the TV.

"Joonie, are you okay?" you asked, concerned that he'd eaten too much candy and was starting to feel unwell. You noticed the sheen of sweat on his brow and his jaw clenching.

"Mhmm," was all he could muster, still never looking away from the TV. You use your hand to turn his head to face you, looking at him, feeling his temperature on his forehead.

"You're burning up," you fret, but he just stares at you, swallowing hard.

He's staring into your eyes. He can't look away. His breathing is heavy and shallow, like he's straining so hard. You stare back, waiting for some sign that he was okay, that he was joking with you and he'd laugh it off. But he wasn't joking.

Joon looked down at your lips, his tongue involuntarily licking his own. And he decided he just couldn't help himself.

He leaned forward, not too quickly that it scared you, but not slow enough for you to realise what was happening right away, his lips meeting yours in a gentle yet somehow desperate kiss.

A whole host of thoughts ran through your mind at a million miles per hour, but you never pulled away from Joon's lips. You kissed him back, just as desperate. His lips felt soft, his tongue gently grazing your lips as the two of you let your instinctive feelings take over.

You slowly push the blanket away and climb on top of Joon, taking a seat on his lap. You cup his face in your palms and kiss him deeply. You can't remember the last time you felt this deeply for someone, the last time someone felt this deeply about you... your lips start to tremble mid-kiss and Joon notices.

"You okay, y/n?" he asks. He looks deep into your eyes and you can hear the concern in his voice. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have-" he starts to apologise but you interrupt him with a light kiss.

"I just... I almost forgot this feeling," you confess.

"What feeling?" he asks softly, confused.

"To have someone so... gentle. Someone who actually cares about me," your voice crumbled under the weight of emotion.

He wraps his arms around your waist while resting his head against your chest. He looks up at you and you see those dimples that you adore more than life itself appear on his face. "Well, I'm glad you know that I do," he pauses, nuzzling himself into your neck. "Where is this coming from, y/n? Did someone hurt you? Talk to me."

You hesitate. It wasn't something you were so open to let out. Truth is, you didn't know where to begin, or how to start the conversation. He knew almost everything about you, that's for sure. But not the dark side, not the trauma, not the complications. You didn't want to scare him away, you didn't want to make him angry, you didn't want to ruin the moment you longed for for so long.

"I'm just being stupid, Joonie," you lie with a laugh. You put on a fake smile and tighten your arms around him. He hears your heart beating through your chest; its faster than normal, beating so hard.

"How can I help you?" he whispers in your chest. He moves his hands under your shirt, up your back, and slowly runs them back down.

You throw your head back with a deep sigh. His touch felt electric, sending goosebumps throughout your body. Between your legs, you feel his length harden through his jeans. You immediately needed him closer, needed to give yourself to him completely. You let that need take over and with your finger under his chin, you bring his head up so you can look at him.

"Make me feel good," you tell him.

At that moment, his eyes went dark. His arms - still wrapped around you - tightened their grip. Without a second thought, he lifted you and laid you down on the couch. He pressed his lips to yours so passionately, breathy moans fill the living room. His lips move to your jawline, then to your neck. You feel his warm breath at your ear as he lifts your shirt over your head.

"Always. I will; always," he answered before his lips pecked down your chest, between the mounds of your breasts.

Before his kisses reached your navel, he shot a glance at you as if waiting for confirmation. You smiled shyly and ran your hands through his perfectly swooped hair. You gently pushed his head further down your body until he was right above your sex.

A devilish smile flashes across his face as he got the confirmation he was waiting for. He quickly unbuttoned your pants, pulling them to your knees and peppering teasing kisses over the mound of your pussy so lightly before removing them completely. You rest one leg on the ground while you bend the other up, giving him as much room as possible to get comfortable. He lays on his stomach with his head hovering above you, teasingly close. His lips slowly warp around you, and you feel his tongue intensely tasting you. You groan in pleasure, arching your back and letting out sharp breaths.

Joon moans in between your thighs as he enjoys his meal, but you can barely hear him with the movie still playing in the background. You reach over your head to the side table, finding the remote and clicking the TV off. Now, you can hear his moans more clearly and holy shit, it turns you on even more.

He lifts his head away, taking a brief pause for air. You stare at each other, but it isn't awkward. His gaze, full of lust matches with yours; absolute desire. Joon hovers over you and lands a wet kiss on your lips, letting you tasting yourself.

His fingers caress up your arm, then trickle down your chest until he feels the wetness from his handiwork mixing with your arousal and sinks two fingers inside. He starts to pump into you slowly, and oh god does his touch feel ethereal.

"Namjoon..." you moan between kisses.

Being so caught up in the moment, you both never heard a phone chiming away for the last couple of minutes. The movie echoing throughout the dorm earlier didn't help either.

"You wanna get that?" you ask, kissing his neck.

"That's not mine. My phone is charging in my room," he assures.

"Shit," you thought. You jump up, pushing Namjoon back a little and grabbing your phone that's on the coffee table. You see three missed calls and a couple of text messages. You didn't realise how late it was and you needed to be home almost an hour ago.

Without an explanation, you grab your clothes and quickly shuffle to put them back on. You fall back on the couch, a little out of breath, forcing your feet into your shoes. You're panicking, and Joon has realised that something is obviously very wrong.

"What's wrong? What happened?" his voice is as urgent as your movements. It's obvious that he's getting worried. He grabs your hands but you shake your hand away.

"I'm sorry. I have to go." You make your way to the door without looking at him. You can't look at him. You refuse to.

He runs after you, trying to understand what's going on. "Y/N, talk to me. You know you can talk to me. Please, what's wrong?" He blocks the front door.

"Move. Please," you say, looking at the floor. Tears start to fill your eyes and fall past your cheeks.

"I won't make you tell me if you don't want to. But you can't just leave, okay? Its cold out, its late-"

"LET ME LEAVE. PLEASE JOON. I HAVE TO GO," you demand, your voice filled with frustration and sadness.

Shocked by you lashing out, Joon stepped aside. You look up at him and saw him hurting... he's hurting because you're hurting but you can't let him know. He wouldn't understand. You're trying so hard to keep it together, but you feel your throat tighten. You can't hold back the tears anymore and you don't want him to see you break down.

"I-I'm sorry", you tell him with a cracked voice. You swing the door open and run out the building without giving him a second look.

Namjoon runs after you, but halts at the entrance of the building, losing sight of you in the darkness.

You're running down the street clutching onto your phone as it continues to ring. "God damn it!" you scream. The cold air burns as it hits your wet face from the tears streaming down your cheeks. You must have run for blocks before your legs give up and crouch on the sidewalk.

"What am I doing? I'm so stupid!" you yell at yourself. A flood of guilt overcomes you and you can't focus properly, your heart aching and lungs constricting so tight. After a few minutes, you calm yourself and unlock your phone. You see Joon's name under the missed call notation and with a pang of guilt, you ignore it. Now wasn't the time. You want to go back, you want to explain everything to him... but you know it isn't going to be easy; you don't think you can handle the repercussions. You'd lose him; as whatever the hell he is now, but most importantly, as your friend.

Your phone lights up again, chiming with aggravating persistence. You know you need to answer it. You're in enough trouble as it is...

"Y/N? Where the hell are you? Do you know what time it is? You're hanging around with that k-pop boy again aren't you? You know what, don't even talk. Get your ass home. Now," the voice rings in your ear, sending a chilling fear down your spine.

The call ends abruptly and you know you're in deep shit. You take a deep breath and proceed to walk the rest of the way home with your hands in your pockets. You'd given up running, taking your time getting home now. What's the point? You're already in trouble. Besides, you needed the extra time to prepare yourself for what was going to happen when you finally arrived home... *****************

You tried so hard to keep quiet as you slipped into your apartment, the hallway dark and quiet. From the doorway a little further down, you see a dim glow from the lamp in the living room. Fuck.

You slipped your shoes off at the door as you tried to quietly shut it behind you, the latch betraying you. The click had been the pin dropping in the silence.

Almost immediately, he was in the hallway. His large, intimidating frame blocked out so much light you were drowning in his shadow. You couldn't see the expression on his face, but you knew he was pissed.

"Where have you been, y/n?" he sounded far too calm, but you knew his blood had reached boiling point.

"With my friend, watching a movie," you weren't lying. Just... not telling the whole truth.

"With him?" he emphasised the pronoun, clouding it in hidden meaning.

"I've told you he's just a friend, okay? I work with the guy. Just leave it," you stepped forward, trying to go around him to get out of the situation but he grabbed your wrist and pulled hard, then pushing your shoulders against the wall of the hallway.

"Just a friend, huh? Think I'm gonna believe that, little slut?" his demeanour had changed completely, overbearing and towering over you. You hated when he got like this; so possessive. So, what? You couldn't even have friends now?

"I swear, just a friend. I wouldn't ever-"

"No, that's right. You wouldn't dare. You may be a dumbass, but not that dumb, huh y/n?" he laughed. "But still dumb enough to not come home on time. You know that makes me mad."

"I-I'm sorry..." you stuttered as he leaned his face closer to yours, his hands on either side of your head and intimidating you further.

"Stupid bitch," he spat, before hitting the wall beside your head so hard you felt the impact throughout your body. And then he skulked away back into the living room, leaving you to compose yourself alone, in the dark.

*************

You purposely hid in your studio the next day, intently working on your music to distract you from the events of the last 24 hours. Namjoon had text you that morning asking if you wanted to grab lunch and talk, but you ignored it. You weren't sure what to say to him, how you would explain why you freaked out the way you had.

It wasn't fair on him, but right now it was your best option.

Niko had noticed your change in attitude. You were quieter, a little off key in the vocal booth and your hands were shaking trying to play the right keys on the keyboard.

"Y/N, what's up? You seem... I don't know, not with it?" he asked cautiously after another failed attempt at finding the right key to sing in.

"Not feeling well, I guess. Stomach cramps," you lied.

"Do you wanna go home?" he sounded concerned. The wellbeing of his artists was important to him, clearly. But going home was the last thing you wanted to do.

"No, I just... Could I take a break? Grab a coffee?"

"Of course, come back down when you're ready," he placed his hand on your back and rubbed, soothingly. Niko was good to you, more than just your manager.

You made your way to the elevator, heading up to the artist's lounge a few floors above the studios all the while checking around every corner for any sign of Namjoon. You didn't want to run into him today. You needed to work yourself up to talking to him, to telling him the truth...

The elevator dinged and the doors dragged themselves open to the artist's lounge that span the entire square footage of the 14th floor of BigHit. There were couches, large TV's with games consoles attached, pool tables, a ping-pong table; your standard fancy staff room, really.

A couple of artists you'd met over the last couple of months were in there, relaxing and enjoying their little breaks as much as possible. You scanned the room quickly for any signs of Namjoon, but nothing yet. You exhaled with relief and stepped into the room, heading straight for the fancy coffee machines that promised to give you a better cup of coffee than the crappy instant stuff you had at home.

Brewing yourself a latte with a little toffee syrup in, you zoned out.

"Hey, y/n!" a chipper young voice startled you from over your shoulder; so much so, you spilled a little of the hot coffee onto your hand.

"Oh, fuck!" you cried out, wincing and waving your scolded hand in the air in some violent effort to cool it down.

"Oh god, sorry! I didn't mean to scare you..." Jimin apologised, heading to the sink and running the cold water over a paper towel, before slapping it against the angry, red burn on your hand.

"It's fine, Jimin. Thanks," you sighed.

"Oh come on, not you too? What's with everyone today?" he sighed, looking defeated as he saw the expression on your face.

"Huh?" you were confused.

"Namjoon-hyung's in a bad mood too. He's sulking in his studio. Won't answer the door," he grumbles. "Would you try? He opens up to you..."

"Uh, I-I can't... I have to get back to work. Niko is waiting for me," you lied. You knew you could take as long as you wanted right now, but facing Namjoon was just too humiliating. Especially when the reason he's locked himself away was you.

You couldn't help feeling guilty. You'd rushed out of there so quick last night with no explanation, but if you tried to explain he'd only hate you more, right? Maybe if you just gave him some space, some time, he'd forget all about it and you could just move on. Maybe.

"Just stop by later, if you can. Even if you just get a 'hello' or a 'can we talk tomorrow', you'd be getting more out of him than any of us have today," Jimin's eyes were pleading. He knew you and Joon had some kind of connection and he was begging you to use it.

"If I have time, I will. I promise," you smiled sweetly, turning back to the latte you had all but abandoned and muttering a goodbye, heading back down to the studios on the floor below.

There was probably no escaping this; at some point you had to say something to Namjoon.

**************

"Okay, I think I'm done here for today. Got a meeting with Mr. Bang to get to about your debut and timelines so I'll leave you to it. Don't stay too late, okay? I know what you're like, madam," Niko teased, wagging a finger at you as he shut his laptop down and clutched it under his arm.

"Yeah, yeah," you waved him off with a smirk. "See you tomorrow, Niko," you waved as he left you alone, the silence in your studio settling like a fog over a riverbank. You span the chair around to sit at the computer again, leaning over to inspect the almost finished first track you'd spent so long mixing.

You pressed the playback button, letting the room fill with the song you had written, your vocals joining the ensemble of bass and synths before the beat kicked in. Your voice sang the lyrics you had agonised over for so long, perfecting the rhythms and rhymes.

The song had been about feeling lost, floating through life without a goal until eventually, you had been given an opportunity, and things had started to go right for you.

But as you listened, you started to think; you'd been here a couple of months and already you could be jeopardising your position here. If Mr. Bang found out that you and Joon had... well, y'know... And then you'd just run off and left him feeling used..?

Oh god, is that how he feels?

You had to speak to him. You knew it. But you had no idea what to say, without telling him the truth. And you couldn't do that... If you just had a little time to gather your thoughts then mayb-

Knock knock.

Your heart pounded in your chest, your fingers clicking the pause button with the computer mouse. You sat quietly for a moment, willing the person at the door to leave so you could work in peace.

Knock knock.

No such luck. You inwardly groaned, spinning towards the door to see the outline of a broad man through the frosted glass. Immediately your mind sprang to images of Namjoon. Had he come to talk to you so soon? No, you weren't prepared. You weren't ready for the conversation.

You stood up reluctantly and headed to the door, opening it to the guest waiting patiently.

But it wasn't Namjoon.

It was him.

"Hiding away, y/n?" he smirked, hands in his pockets and looking down at you.

"Sangjun..." you uttered his name, bewildered.

"Were you expecting someone else?" he laughed. He looked so sweet, so average.

"N-no, I just didn't expect you at all!" you smiled, surprised.

"Well, I wanted to come and see my girl. Maybe hear what you've been working on..." he teased, looking past you to review your studio. "Nice set up, huh?"

"Like you'd know," you chuckled, stepping aside to let him in. "The first track is loaded, hit play if you like."

You didn't want him here, but... there wasn't much you could do right now. You would just have to pray that Joon would stay barricaded in his studio...

Sangjun hit play on the computer and listened intently, nodding his head to the beat as it kicked in. By the end of the track, his facial expression still hadn't changed.

"Not bad," he mused, "maybe a little more work and it'll be better." Wow, backhanded compliment... But you had come to expect nothing more than that from him these days.

"Yeah it's uh, not finished yet."

"I can see why you spend so much time here, now. Why you're always late home," he comments, still looking at the screen. "But this is your dream, I guess." He turns to face you, smiling a tight-lipped smile.

"I still have some work to do, but..."

"I'll wait here, see what you get up to," he took a seat on the couch, making himself at home as you sat back at your desk to continue your work on the track.

You spent another couple of hours like that; working away as he looked over your shoulder, making little comments every so often. You had to give him credit, they weren't all undermining. Some were constructive, others actually complimentary. But he was constantly hovering, and it was putting you on edge. You weren't even sure he should really be here, but if you tried to tell him no, it wouldn't go down well...

So instead you dealt with it, letting him breathe down your neck as you continued to edit your music until eventually, he got bored and insisted that you leave to get dinner and head home.

"Just let me add this in he-"

"Now, y/n," he demanded. You sighed, saving your session and closing the computer down. He'd only get his way eventually.

Grabbing your bag, you stand up to lead the way out into the hallway, down to the elevators; constantly checking for any signs of Namjoon; or anyone else for that matter. But the coast had been clear, the floor still and silent.

You pressed the button on the elevator and rocked on the balls of your feet, impatiently waiting with Sangjun standing next to you. The doors dinged and opened, the pair of you stepping in and turning around to face the hall, pressing the button to head to the basement floor where Sangjun had parked the car. Sangjun put his arm around your waist, possessively keeping you close to him.

As you waited for the doors to close, you heard a door down the hall open.

Please, don't let that be...

Footsteps made their way down the hall; heavy ones, belonging to someone who wasn't quite so nimble on their feet. You pressed the button on the elevator again, hoping to speed up the doors closing but they were stubborn.

The footsteps got closer, until the person they belonged to came into view.

Namjoon.

Your eyes widened, panicked. He was tapping away at his phone, unaware of you in the elevator. 'Please, don't look up...' you thought to yourself. But the ding of the elevator doors announcing they were closing caught his attention, his head snapping up to see you stood in the elevator, staring at him with wide and alarmed eyes. The blood drained out of your face as the two of you made eye contact.

And his gaze snapped to the tall man next to you, eyes scanning him and the arm he had wrapped tightly around your waist. The cogs in his head were whirring overtime as he put two and two together.

While the doors closed in, he looked back at you with hurt and betrayal in his face. They shut completely, leaving you with that image of Namjoon as the elevator started to drop through the floors.

He had seen you, the both of you. The arm around your waist. The look of panic on your face. He wasn't dumb.

Wow, y/n. You've fucked it now, haven't you? *************** Part One | Part Two | Part Three Masterlist Tip Jar & Commissions

[neurosismancer]

Tagged by: @clone-thugs-n-harmony

Name: Rachel

Gender: Transfeminine Non-Binary Person (she/her or they/them)

Star sign: Capricorn, but who the hell cares?

Height: 5'8″

Time: 7:53 PM EDT

Birthday’s: December 28, 1983. Yes, I am An Old.

Favorite band(s): DEVO, Sparks, Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark, Kraftwerk

Favorite solo artist(s): David Bowie, Laurie Anderson, Void Vision

Song stuck in my head: Surprisingly, none at the moment.

Last movie I watched: Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me

Last show I watched: Twin Peaks: The Return

When did I create this blog: Tumblr was new and fun. Yeah. I’ve been on Tumblr long enough to say that and mean it. I joined in 2008.

When I post: Uh, whenever I think of something.

Last thing googled: “ng/dL”. I was trying to understand my testosterone levels from a blood test.

Other blogs: None (currently.) Used to have @putasnowdenonit but I only ever posted 3 things.

Do I get asks: Not as often as I’d like.

Why I chose my URL: The name just popped in my head one day and I was honestly surprised nobody else had thought of it. I googled it, and nothing. Now it’s mine. I own it. Also, my original Tumblr username was @wantabreathmint which I picked because I thought I’d be offering little bits of fun internet stuff to people as if I were offering them a breath mint.

Followers: 104, and most of them are inactive.

Average hours of sleep: 7, I suppose, but I’m basing that on the fact that I tend to sleep late on weekends.

Lucky number: 139

Instruments: Well, I have an MicroBrute, a Monotron Duo, a Yamaha VSS-30 sampling keyboard, a Korg Volca Beats drum machine, and a keyboard MIDI controller. But I’m shit with all of them. Oh, does air guitar count?

What I’m wearing: A black camisole and black leggings

Dream trip: Hm. I mean, I’d like to go to Japan, I don’t really have a dream location to go to as a once-in-a-lifetime experience.

Favorite food: Pernil. Delicious roast pork shoulder, with nice crispy skin.

Nationality: American, but from the blue part.

Favorite song: Oh, don’t make me pick just one... In fact, no. I refuse to answer this. Fuck you.

Last book I read: Uh... SM101. Though I recently bought a book about The Residents... and I will read it!

Top 3 fictional universes i’d like to live in: Star Trek, ideally the TNG era. Okay, risk of Borg, but post-scarcity economy! As for the other two, uh... maybe Bojack Horseman or Tuca and Bertie? Definitely Tuca and Bertie. I’d be a raven!

Favorite color: Burgundy.

Tagging @brightoncemore @passionate-reply @cookiekraftwerk and @bisexuhellvevo

[techniktagebuch]

Oktober 2019

Die phrygische Sekunde, die drei Stunden dauert

In einem abendlichen Wohnzimmergespräch über die Auswahl der "Top-Titel" einzelner Künstler_innen auf Google Music hören wir uns "Storytime" an, einen der Top-Titel von Nightwish. "Das Intro ist so faszinierend", sage ich. "Die Melodie klingt so wütend und kräftig und ich weiß nicht mal, warum." R. denkt kurz nach. "Ich glaube, das ist phrygisch." Wortgewandt entgegne ich: "Häää?"

Sofort ziehen wir vom Sofa auf den Klavierhocker um. Ich treffe beim ersten Versuch den richtigen Anfangston, was keine besondere Fähigkeit von mir ist, sondern mit einer Wahrscheinlichkeit von 1/12 vorkommt. Wir identifizieren den Grundton der Melodie und können mithilfe von Wikipedia am Smartphone bestätigen, dass es sich um eine phrygische Tonart handelt.

Dann fangen wir an, uns zu streiten. Ich bin der Meinung, dass die Melodie am Anfang des Liedes zweimal identisch klingt; R. findet, dass sie beim zweiten Mal einen tieferen Ton enthält. Wir spielen das Lied mehrfach vom Handy ab, aber das ist ziemlich unkomfortabel, weil wir nur schwer an genau die Stelle des Lieds springen können, die uns interessiert. "Komm. Wir machen das richtig", sagt R. und springt auf.

Im Arbeitszimmer setzen wir uns an den Rechner mit zwei angeschlossenen MIDI-Controllern. R. startet eine Software zum Produzieren und Abmischen von Musik, die sonst zum Komponieren verwendet wird. Der MIDI-Controller, den wir nutzen, sieht aus wie ein Keyboard mit einem Haufen zusätzlicher Tasten, Displays und Blinklichter. Er ist genau neben dem Schreibtisch aufgebaut, weil er an den Computer angeschlossen werden muss, damit man die Audiosoftware mit dem Controller bespielen kann.

Diese Situation tritt bei uns regelmäßig auf, deshalb ist R. schon sehr geübt in den Schritten, die jetzt folgen. Zuerst wird die Lieddatei importiert; dafür ist es gut, dass wir noch Musik in Form von Dateien besitzen und nicht komplett auf Streamingdienste umgestiegen sind. Meine Aufgabe besteht hauptsächlich aus Staunen, Kommentieren und die Melodie tausendmal spielen, weil ich sie mir schneller merken konnte als R.

Jetzt können wir die Stelle, über die wir uns nicht einig sind, isoliert betrachten. Wir separieren den letzten Takt der ersten Wiederholung und den letzten Takt der zweiten Wiederholung und spielen beide nacheinander ab. R. hatte recht, beim zweiten Mal sind zwei Töne anders.

Nach vielen Übungsdurchläufen sind wir uns sicher, wie die Melodie zu spielen ist. Unsere eingespielten Töne müssen jetzt noch quantisiert werden. Dazu muss R. zuerst das originale Lied abspielen und im Takt klicken, um das Tempo zu messen. Es handelt sich um einen Vier-Viertel-Takt mit genau 87,5 BPM. Durch das Quantisieren werden unsere unsauber eingespielten Töne dann so an den Takt angepasst, dass das Programm die Melodie als Noten ausgeben kann. Würde man den Quantisierungsschritt auslassen, wären die Noten schlimm unlesbar, weil unsere (hauptsächlich meine) rhythmischen Ungenauigkeiten von der Software als synkopische Zweiunddreißigstelnoten oder sowas eingeordnet werden würden.

Zwischenversion der Noten, die anhand meiner eingespielten Melodie von der Software erzeugt werden. Zwischen dem zweiten und dritten Ton ist deutlich die phrygische Sekunde zu erkennen.

Inzwischen ist ungefähr eine Dreiviertelstunde vergangen. Ich bin zufrieden und gehe irgendwas anderes machen, aber R. möchte dringend noch herausfinden, welche Akkorde im Mittelteil vorkommen. Dazu wird wieder der relevante Teil des Lieds isoliert und geloopt. Die obersten Töne jedes Akkords kann man leicht raushören, mit einem Haufen Musiktheorie im Kopf reicht das für R. aus, um die nicht so leicht erkennbaren Töne auch noch richtig zu identifizieren.

Die Akkordfolge kommt R. bekannt vor. Nightwish (Genre "Symphonic Metal") verwendet hier Harmonien, die in fast der gleichen Form im Lied "Schrei nach Liebe" von den Ärzten (Genre "Punkrock") zu finden sind. Oh-oh.

Der Rest ist logisch und fast selbsterklärend. R. importiert "Schrei nach Liebe" ins gleiche Projekt, in dem wir vorher zusammen gearbeitet haben. Die Ärzte singen etwas zu tief, einen Halbton oder so, deshalb wird diese Spur komplett transponiert, um zu "Storytime" zu passen. Auch das Tempo muss angepasst werden, aber nur minimal. Jetzt werden die beiden Lieder so zusammengemischt, dass man beide gleichzeitig hört und sie sich nahtlos ineinander einfügen. Dazu wird das eine oder andere Lied in einzelnen Passagen etwas equalisiert, es werden also bestimmte Frequenzen verstärkt oder abgeschwächt, "damit es nicht so Kraut und Rüben ist". Es ist immer noch Kraut und Rüben, aber auf so eine faszinierende Art, die auf mich gleichzeitig chaotisch und aufgeräumt wirkt.

Die obere Spur ist das Nightwish-Lied, die zweite Spur ist ein Ausschnitt aus “Schrei nach Liebe”. Die zwei Fenster mit türkisfarbenen Kurven stellen das Frequenzspektrum der verschiedenen Lieder dar. Einzelne Bereiche werden abgeschwächt oder verstärkt, damit z.B. der Bass der Ärzte in den Hintergrund tritt und der Bass von Nightwish deutlicher zu hören ist.

Nach etwa drei Stunden ist das Werk vollendet: R. hat mit einer professionellen Software ein Projekt fertiggestellt, das vermutlich niemand beim Entwickeln dieses Audioprogramms hätte vorhersehen können. Ich schlafe inzwischen längst, aber am nächsten Tag spielt R. mir stolz das Ergebnis vor. Ich bin beeindruckt, etwas angeekelt und insgesamt sehr erfreut. Wir fragen uns, ob wir die zusammengemischten Lieder vielleicht besser ertragen könnten, wenn wir je ein Gehirn mehr hätten.

(Esther Seyffarth)