#ok im gonna go fucking cry now sorry ill stop ranting

[wycross]

i cant stop thinking about yuuta now. like sure i liked him well enough but after this chapter he has my entire heart. and he is so so so tragic. (of course he is everyone here is)

its this that i keep going back to in my head. it encapsulates what i think is yuuta's grief.

right before this, of course, we've seen him screaming about how nobody ever cared about demanding gojo to be a monster. he cares for gojo so deeply, of course, because gojo saved him, gojo is practically his dad, and he actually sees gojo.

hes a special grade, one of few, and out of the special grades, i think hes the only one with realistic potential to surpass gojo. he has the potential to be gojos peer, so gojo doesnt have to be alone. hes the only one strong enough to save gojo, in a way, to actually take up his burden and allow gojo to be human in a way he hasnt been since geto.

but yuuta is simply too late. hes too young, too unpolished, too late. gojo's already been a monster for a decade, with no other choice and with nobody to stand by his side. yuuta cant save him now.

thats what i think really crystallized for me in this panel. yuuta is telling gojo about his plan, the plan that was so controversial with everyone else because of yuuta's humanity being on the line, the plan that only he could ever pull off. and gojo shrugs it off, not shocked in the least, and just tells yuuta that he's got to keep working because he's not good enough yet.

the talk about yuuta's heritage is so important to this too. "you might've been born even more blessed than me". does that ring any bells, maybe? "i alone am the honored one?"

gojo is acknowledging that yuuta could've been at his side, could've been strong enough to save satoru, for him to not be alone in this curse of a blessing of strength anymore. but hes just. too. late.

[toshisae]

call me baby

summary: in which chenle gives you the entire world in exchange for some love

genre: crack, fluff and another pinch of angst 

theme: ceo!chenle (sugardaddy au but without the sexy shit its just he buys you things in exchange for you loving him ok? ok) 

word count: 2.8k

author’s note: HIIIII ITS BEEN A LONG ASS TIME SINCE I WROTE SOMETHING SO HERES THIS also theres no sexy time unless the sexy time u want is going on an endless shopping spree then this fic is for u!! its just another crack idea i had lol and this is just to get rid of writers block or smth despite having this in my drafts for the longest time

–

you know how people say not to chat with random strangers from the internet?

because it’s terrifying and shit??

well you never listened 

here you are on a friday night on your phone

looking for some 40 year olds to troll

on this sugar daddy app you randomly found one day

not like you needed money or whatever

you lived with your brother jaemin who’s a doctor

so i guess you could say u’re: $$$$

and it’s just that you have nothing to do

what’t the worst that could happen right?

ding!

your phone vibrates in your hand

it looks like you’ve matched with your designated sugar daddy

“congratulations! you’ve matched with 6chittaphon9”

you looked at his profile and saw that he’s a 23 year old dancer

not up for it, you swiped left

“give me the good shit bro” - you tell the phone

you clicked the globe icon on the bottom of the screen

it switched you to a radar where it scans for possible sugardaddies who use the app

a little later your phone dings again

“congratulations! you’ve matched with zhong$”

and when you clicked on his profile,,

you let out a big big gasp 

he’s a 18 year old ..

looking for.. sugar babies??

if you were drinking something then you would’ve spat out that liquid real quick

you swiped to the right and sent this dude a message

“hi”

ok so chenle right

chenle is the youngest billionaire in the world

bye kylie jenner oof

after his father’s passing, his company, zhongs inc. was in his hands

his father’s last wish was to have chenle get married at a young age

but chenle obviously didn’t like that idea

he wanted to experience a normal teenage life where he parties, drinks, date some random girls or whatever a pesky teenager does

so he found himself downloading a sugarbaby app

also just for the lolz like c’mon this is chenle the king of clownery

the c in chenle means clownery wbk

he had the money, the looks, almost anything you need for a man

so he quickly made his account

and not a minute later he already matched with someone named ‘<y/n3’

he sees that this y/n person already sent him a message

so obviously he replies

“hello”

you: asl?

chenle: 17 / m / seoul; u?

you: same except im a female

chenle: well ain’t that obvious

on the outside you bursted out laughing

you: ok capt. crunch so would you like telling me your name or is it confidential

chenle: i mean, i guess its kinda confidential but the company wont know anyway but im zhong chenle 

you: ????? are u important or sumn

chenle couldn’t believe his eyes

chenle: um.. im ZHONG chenle

you: whats so special with your name

chenle was actually quite glad you dont know about his name or his background

chenle: nothing so wyd

it didn’t take awhile for you two to get along 

since you two had the same type of humor and age

you: why are you on this app tho if you are “young and rich”

chenle: i could ask you the same question

you: its friday my dude and im bored 

chenle: well,,,,,,,,,,, idk my friend recommended it to me

you: you’re friends with a bunch of old people?

chenle: nO I MEAN YES?? I MEAN NO 

you: ... are u fucking with me

chenle: no i’m not fucking with you, im talking to u :D 

in the end chenle asks you if it was okay that he’ll send you some money for fun

chenle: yk this app is about sugardaddies looking for sugarbabies right so lets make the most of it and give me your paypal or venmo and ill send you some cash for talking to me <3 

you: wtf chenle no its fine!!! i had lots of fun talking to you and this app is just a whole ass joke but im glad i met a new friend here but its okay dont send me some money !!!!!

chenle: nooo think of it like i’m treating you out for some dinner so please allow me 

you: still ! i wont let you,, till i get to see you so i know youre not some 40 year old i still think you are

chenle: how many times do i have to tell you im really 18 years old ffs but sure, when are you free?

on the inside youre just like: ASJDHJHDUIADHASJKDAHAHD WHAT THE FUCK

you: uhh i have school so i’m always busy hehehe

chenle: then i’ll see you in your school, what school do you go to?

this kid doesnt know when to give up

you: hhhhhhh i guess then i’m free tomorrow 

chenle: GREAT! I’LL SEE YOU ON HONGDAE here’s my number boo

and there you have it

your first unofficial meet up with zhong chenle himself

you were too much in thought about meeting him you didnt even notice jaemin standing there with pizza in his hands

“what are you staring at sis?” - jaems

“uh nothing” you snatched the pizza from his hands

fast forward to tomorrow

you were getting nervous to meet chenle

“hey where are you going?” jaemin takes a peek of you in your room

can he stop scaring you like that

“going out” - u 

“going where?” - jaems

“hongdae”

“cuteee do you have a date today?” he wiggles his eyebrows at you

“no-”

“are you going out with that pizza delivery boy?!” jaemin suddenly gushes

“jeno?” you ask him

“yeah that one” - jaemin

“no, i’m just gonna go shopping” you brush him off

jaemin shrugs and gives you some pocket money to spend

“be safe and have fun” he closes the door of your room

after safely arriving in hongdae, you sat somewhere thats not that crowded

who knows if this chenle person is famous right

so there you were waiting for him to text you or something

and just like that, your phone rings

it was an unknown number

but you answer anyway

“hello this is chenle, may i ask if you are in gongcha right now?” 

you looked around the people who’s passing by hoping to see someone fancy looking holding their phones

suddenly someone stops right in front of you

“found you” 

with that, chenle hangs up and sits across the table from you

“hi, i’m chenle” he gives his hand out for you to shake

and man, you were shookt

he looks like an ordinary teenager 

or a hypebeast for this occasion 

“o-oh .. h-hello” you bow

chenle suddenly laughs at your reaction 

his laugh is beautiful 

“don’t be nervous baby, i mean no harm” he smiles

his smile that totally made your heart melt

“how could i not? you’re the youngest billionaire out here” you gushed

chenle shushes you after the billionaire part

“sorry about that, it’s just i don’t like it when people tell me that” he tells you casually

ok humble king

“have you ordered yet? if not let’s order right now, on me” he grabs his wallet from his pocket and heads inside gongcha

after taking your orders, you two sat outside again with your drinks

“so y/n.. tell me about yourself” chenle takes a sip of his drink

“well, like i told you last night, i’m a student in college and i live with my brother who’s a doctor and that’s about it.. what about you, mr. zhong” you giggled

“first of all, don’t call me mr. zhong. you can call me lele instead and i love music and i like to play the piano and sometimes i sing” he shares, showing off his pearly whites

and after some many more conversations with him, he finally asks you an important question

“ok last question” he laughs, “i know it’s kinda weird but i really like your company and i know we met through a sugar daddy/sugar baby app but would you like.. stay with me..?” he asks cautiously

you stared at him with wide eyes

“i’ll pay for everything you want.. just,, stay or keep me company..?”

you kept quiet, just in shock on what just happened

“it’s okay if you don’t want to, just forget that i asked” he laughs awkwardly

“no it’s okay, i’ll keep you company but please please don’t pay for everything. i can pay for myself” you tell him

“why not? i got money, i can spoil you with gifts” he looks at you confused

“if you can’t remember, i’ve got a brother who’s a doctor and i guess we’re loaded too you know” you roll your eyes at him

“pfft okay then so.. where were we” 

and with that you guys carry on your conversation 

months has passed and you’ve been with chenle through everything

every time something happened in his company, you were there comforting him or just keeping him sane through out everything

and within those months, you’ve seen different sides of him as well

like the serious side of him– when he’s in business meeting and you’re his plus one 

aside from his secretary of course

the funny side of him– when he’s cracking jokes to literally everyone

sometimes he takes days off in the midst of his own company just to pull pranks on his secretary, renjun

and of course, his vulnerable side– when he feels he can’t do what his father left him, the family legacy

there were night where you had to stay over at his place just to make him calm down or just to make sure he’s sleeping or eating well 

and tonight was those vulnerable nights of chenle

here you were in his room, on the floor holding his hand as he rants about how his day turned to shit 

“it’s just so.. hard you know?” he opens up, “when everyone expects you to follow a certain life but i’m not all about that business shit life! i want to sing or fucking play the piano or do some teenager shit not this paper work life!” his voice cracks at the end of his sentence

“ah shit i’m crying in front of you again” he laughs, wiping the tears 

you don’t say anything but held his hand tighter

“thanks y/n.. you’re the best” he smiles down at you

“anything for you, chenle. that’s why i’m here for you right? to keep you company” you smile back

“can you.. come up here with me” chenle motions for you to sit beside him on the bed

you agree and climbed up

chenle sits up awkwardly, staring at you.

“woah this is the first time i had a girl on my bed” he giggles

“then i’m honoured” you laugh

suddenly your phone vibrates multiple times

you take a look and its your brother looking for you

“who is it?” chenle asks

“it’s my brother, he said i should go home” you slowly push yourself from his comfy bed

“no, it’s late. i’ll take you home first thing in the morning” 

“i don’t want to be a burden to you lele” you say shyly

“you’re never a burden to me y/n” chenle smiles again

that night, you slept in his very arms for the first time

you wake up earlier that him and decided to prepare breakfast for him

you set the eggs and bacon on the table with orange juice

you smiled at your efforts, hoping he’d like it

chenle woke up in distraught since you were no where in sight

he was in his pajama pants and he rushed downstairs to check if you were still there

and thankfully, you were

you were on the dining table, waiting for him with breakfast ready

“good morning” he grins, face looking brighter than ever

you smile back at him, “good morning to you too, sleepyhead. help yourself with some breakfast”

chenle takes a seat and sips on the orange juice next to him, “did you make this?” he asks

you nod, “for you” 

you could’ve swore you saw him blush for a moment there 

and with that, you two ate in peace, just enjoying each other’s company

a few days later

you couldn’t make it to chenle’s office since you had classes and it was exam week 

chenle was obviously very lonely that week

even his own secretary checked up on him cause he was awfully quiet ever since you came into his life

“so how are you and y/n huh” renjun casually asks chenle who was busy reading papers on the table

“we’re doing great” chenle replies nonchalantly 

“are you two going steady now?”

that question made chenle halt to a stop on what he was doing

renjun notices that chenle turned quiet

“i never asked her to be official” chenle gasps, scaring renjun in the process

“wha-”

“renjun hyung can you get me the biggest bouquet bundle you can find” chenle rushes

renjun nods and grabs his ipad, looking for what chenle requested

“fuck.. what did y/n wanted again” chenle asks himself, trying to remember the bag or things you told him about

“call jisung and tell him we’re going to the mall” chenle tells renjun yet again, rushing to the elevator so he could go to the mall with his best buddy

“so what are we buying your special someone again?” jisung asks chenle who was busy pacing around the mall

“y/n said she wanted a bag but i cant remember what was it” chenle tells jisung who just looks as lost as he was

chenle ended up going to every luxury store they had in the mall

like louis vitton, gucci, prada, balenciaga, fendi

you name it he went there and bought one bag each

he even went to some make up stores thanks to jisung’s suggestion

surprisingly he had a girlfriend who was a makeup artist and puts make up on jisung’s face when they have nothing to do

and of course, chenle followed what his best friend suggested

now they were on their way back to your place cause you just texted chenle that you were almost done with your exam

chenle and jisung unload his car and went straight up to your apartment that you shared with your brother

and your brother answers the door

“uh chenle? what are you doing here?” jaemin answers the door

chenle stood there in shock once again, “jaemin hyung? you’re y/n’s brother?” he stares at jaemin confused.

jaemin nods slowly before realization hits him, “you’re the person y/n is seeing?!” 

chenle nods uncertainly, slightly offended you never told jaemin about him but quickly shrugs it off. 

“well surprise! now can you help us with this? i’m asking y/n to be my girlfriend when she arrives home” 

jaemin immediately steps in and helps the two boys

after an hour or so, everything is now set into place

now they were just waiting for you to arrive

chenle stood there with his usual work attire which was a formal suit, holding a big ass bouquet and the paper bags right behind him

“jisung how do i look?!” chenle looks at jisung who was showing him two thumbs up

“dashing bro, she’ll say yes in no time”

and as if on cue, you walked in

and to say you were shocked to see chenle standing there 

“lele! what are you doing here?” you covered your mouth in shock as you saw the never ending line of paper bags right behind him and the bouquet he was holding

“i’m here to ask you to be mine” he replies, staring at you once again

“does my brother know you’re here?” you look around your living room and you spot jaemin in the kitchen, watching the entire thing go down

“yeah. why didn’t you tell me he was your brother” chenle pouts, but shakes his head as he hands you the bouquet

chenle clears his throat once again, “na y/n.. would you be my first and last girlfriend?” he closes his eyes tight, waiting for your response

“i would be honoured” you take the bouquet off his hands and jumped into his arms

“about time you asked her” jisung comments in the background

“baby look, i got you some gifts!” chenle puts you down and shows you the abundant amount of things he got you

you smacked him in the chest, “what did i say about you giving me expensive gifts!” 

“let me spoil you, please? you showed me how loving someone wholeheartedly is priceless, and i want to return the favor in my own way” chenle shows you his infamous puppy eyes.

“lele you’re making me cry!” you tear up, hidng your face in his neck

“also because i can’t remember the thing you told me you wanted a few days ago so i had to compromise” chenle giggles

you were happy

and he was happy

who knew an app could bring you two together and end up like this

the end!

[oh-theatre]

Sycamore High: Together (Chapter 12)

A/N: I LOVE TED, CHAD AND HENRY IM SORRY BUT I JUST DO. Also yay Alice!! But also nooo Alice...

summary: Henry does his best to comfort a very scared Ted, Bill and Paul figure out how to deal with their emotions. Murder seems to be their favorite option so...

words: 2,348

warnings: Crying, negative thoughts, cursing, hinted abuse, cheating, past trauma, murder mention, angst

Ao3 link

Ted was feeling a whole different kind of embarrassed now. A kind of embarrassment of being held and comforted by his biology teacher in the middle of a hallway. The sudden realization of his current position hit him as he quickly pulled away from a reluctant teacher. The old surgeon looked at him, his eyes filled with a fiery rage that all but soothed Ted. Then, he heard it. Ted quickly turned to find himself surrounded by his classmates, all taking photos and murmuring amongst themselves. He flushed an awful shade of pink hiding away until a commanding voice filled his ears.

“Get the hell away” Ted turned to find Bill of all people seething. Ted could practically see the fire coming out of his ears. “All of you, go back to your useless lives and leave my friend alone” The hallway fell silent at Bills very calm, but very angry outburst. Then something happened that shocked Ted more, the group listened to him. Slowly but surely, small groups of kids made their way to class until the hallways were once again empty. Empty except for a shivering Ted, a very angry professor, 4 concerned friends, and a be-speckled boy. Ted couldn't meet their eyes, he couldn't face them, not yet. He sighed shakily and turned to the professor and pleaded. His eyes burned with incoming tears but once the older man met the young boys gaze he understood.

“Bill, its Bill right?” He started, Bill turned to face the pair cluttered on the ground. His former anger seeped away and Ted recognized his soft friends face returning. He nodded eagerly. “That was… extremely helpful of you but you kids should make your way back to class now” Bill went to protest clear concern riddled his face but the professor continued, “I will take care of Ted and make sure he gets home safely” Ted cursed himself, they were so close, but of course the professor wouldn't know.

“No!” Bill cried suddenly, Ted winced at his volume but turned to his friend. He took a deep breath “Y-you can't take him home!” The professor furrowed his brows, clearly confused. Bill’s breathing hitched, and he himself began shaking. Paul noticed and put a reassuring hand on his smaller friend. “You just can't… ok? Call my dad… he will pick Ted up” Suddenly the professor was no longer staring into the eyes of a concerned friend but was met with a fiery glare “Do not take him home” Paul took his friend reassuring him over and over before finally the four made their way to the classrooms. Ted looked expectantly at the suspenders wearing boy who stood still. He looked at him and upon further examination noticed how puffy his eyes were-

Oh god

I made him cry

That…That is the opposite of everything I wanted

All I wanted was to make him smile

But I hurt him

Ted felt his breathing increase rapidly and his body shakes more violently. He clutched on to the professor unconsciously who without hesitation took him in. He heard the older man voice questions and concerns but he couldn't speak.

Monster!

Failure!

What would your father think?

“NO!” Ted cried painfully, he fully nestled himself in the clutches of the professor who allowed him to. Tommy stood his ground and watched the confident boy crumple in front of him. His heart hurt, he hated seeing Ted this way. He carefully kneeled next to the pair and placed a soft hand onto Teds back, fully expecting Ted to recoil or push him away but was surprised by how the motion was welcomed. Tommy allowed Ted to adjust to this before he glanced at the professor and they made a silent communication. Tommy took both his arms and carefully wrapped them around Teds much larger figure, the professor let go slowly keeping his attention on the boy. Tommy held Ted who was now much calmer, he was exhausted. He greeted the hug from the smaller boy happily because he was just so tired. His head ached with, his entire body was frail and weak, his hands were barely felt as hot sweat seared through them. He nestled his head into Tommy's neck and felt himself shut down. He closed his eyes after taking a deep breath and allowed himself to just turn off.

~~~

“I'm going to commit murder” Bill stated confidently (Same Bill)

“Bill” Paul yawned “Don't… don't do that” He said weakly, Paul was exhausted and had already spent enough time calming down his friend. He had a million things wracking his brain, worry for Ted flooded him, exhaustion seeped through him, boy am I broken.

“I am! I'm gonna… I'm gonna-” His friend paused voice growing in anger and annoyance “Kick his head” Bill declared, even he sounded unsure in his words.

“I'm sorry” Paul said half asleep “You're going to… correct me if I'm wrong… kick his head?” Bill let out a huff of annoyance before continuing his rant.

~~~

“Ted, how are you feeling?” Henry asked looking at the young boy who now sat on the couch in the teacher's lounge. He was leaning onto another boy that Henry recognized, Tommy Sweet. The smaller boy kept a protective arm around Ted, Henry felt a flutter staring at the scene. Ted let out a tired groan and opened his eyes rubbing them, Henry felt himself swoon. He had seen the boy around the halls and in his classes, he always seemed so arrogant and outgoing and confident but here, now? He was small, and tired and scared. He was sweet and Henry couldn't help but want to give the teen everything he wanted. Although Henry could tell, he rarely asked for anything. “Ted?” He repeated softly, not wanting to startle the boy.

“Hmm” Ted hummed weakly, he rubbed his eyes once more and sat up slowly. He looked around at his situation and Henry saw a flash of panic in the boy's eyes, Tommy must have seen it too. He moved quickly, strengthening a careful hug around the boy, Ted pleaded silently for an explanation, Tommy nodded and ran reassuring fingers through Ted's hair. “W-what's… what am I doing here?” Ted managed after a moment between the boys.

“We brought you here to… get some rest and get you away from everything”  Henry explained cautiously, he kneeled in front of the boy offering him a glass of water. He took it calmly and drank it slowly, it burned his throat, but Henry looked too happy for Ted to say anything. “Ted… Bill warned me not to take you home… is there something I should know?” Ted swallowed nervously and wished to be anywhere else than here.

“I..I…” Ted began but much to his luck, the door burst open. He felt disappointed, he was so close to telling someone

What would your father think?

“I'm here!” The overly charismatic Theatre teacher burst into the lounge carrying supplies and a blanket. Ted immediately perked up at the sight of his teacher, Chad had always been a favorite. Henry spun around eyes wide, worried filled them, Ted’s curiosity peaked. “I know you told me not to worry, but how could I not? Ted is one of my students and I..I” The excited man was interrupted by a loud sneeze causing the two boys to flinch. “Excuse me…” He mumbled. Henry let out a very exasperated sigh. “I just wanted to help”

“Dearest” Henry called

Record scratch

Ted’s eyes widened at the simple word, it was said with annoyed adoration. Ted tilted his head slightly looking at the two eccentric teachers. And then… everything happened

“You should be at home-”

Home? Like their home? That they share? Or like-

“-Resting, you're sick love”

Can you call your friend, who is also a teacher, love?

Dearest

They are cute

Disgusting!

That last one was clearly something his father left in him. Would it always be there? This gnawing feeling anytime he thought he could enjoy being who… who he is? Ted was pulled out of his thoughts as his theatre teacher let out a small groan and flashed Henry a very small look. It was clearly a familiar look, Ted looked to Henry who seemed as though he had just melted entirely.

“Fine, but only because I can't stand your puppy eyes” Henry finally decided, Ted was bewildered, what the fuck is happening? The two teachers turned back to face Ted and immediately began to worry at his look of horror.

“Ted? Ted are you alright?” Chad rushed over, keeping a safe distance. He didn't want to overstep his boundaries or get the poor boy ill. Ted gave them a very empty confused look, why were they so worried?

Were they together?

Can you do that?

Be together?

What wou-

Ted heard a familiar giggle that once again pulled him out of his own mind, he turned to the right where he found himself still slightly leaning on Tommy. He didn't move, he didn't want to but Tommy was displaying an unusual amount of giddiness. Tommy met the eyes of a very confused Ted, and two almost glaring professors and immediately stopped.

“Sorry, um… but I think..” He paused looking to Ted “Respectfully sirs… I don't think he knew you two were..” He cleared his throat uncomfortably “Together” That last part was barely whispered. The pair of professors looked to Ted re-examining his look of bewilderment before bursting into their own small fits of laughter.

“Our apologies Ted” Henry said collecting himself “We didn't mean to… ambush you” Chad snickered more behind him, this boy was absolutely precious. “But… and I don't mean to make fun of you… how could you not know?” Henry asked innocently, Ted scrunched his brows, a tad annoyed.

“You...how… well I..” He thought for a moment

Oh my god

How could not have known?

It was painfully obvious

They shared the same last name! You absolute buffoon!

“My mistake” he mumbled defeated, he was exhausted at this point. All the energy of this new revelation drained out as he unknowingly plopped back onto Tommy's shoulders. He heard the three others let out soft small laughs as his eyes felt heavy and he drifted off once again.

Maybe I could do that one day

Be married…

And so his slumber brought him there.

~~~

“There is something he is not telling me Chad” Henry argued quietly in the corner of the lounge. He looked over at the boys who had both now fallen asleep. “Bill was pretty adamant about him NOT going home... “ Chad took Henry's hand rubbing comforting circles in the palm like he had done many times. Henry was one for over-exerting himself and causing so much stress to fall upon his shoulders.

“Henry… I love you, very much-”

“I love you” Henry said unconsciously interrupting his partner, it's not my fault, I hear the phrase and I just have to say it back. Chad gave a soft roll of his eyes, you are such a dork, He thought.

“Well I’d hope so, we are married” He teased before moving on “But love, you cant be this… oblivious” Henry perked up “Come on you're smart, I'm not one to make assumptions but-” He saw Henry's confused face, oh brother. “A young teen, raised religious might I add” He begins to explain, Henry listens “Finds out he might like more than what he is supposed to, he-” Chad ponders for a moment “He comes out to his parents… and suddenly his friends don't want him at his house? He moves away anytime someone tries to touch him? And he means well but did you see the look of disgust at the revelation that we were together?” Chad gives Henry an expectant look. Suddenly the pieces fall into place.

“You're not saying…” Henry gasps slightly, Chad quickly interjects

“I'm not one to make assumptions ok? I would never judge on the first encounter but… I don't know if I feel comfortable letting that boy go home… did you see the bruises on his arm?” Chad's voice gains an unhealthy amount of concern and his breathing hitches. “I just… Henry” He pleads, Henry nods quickly pulling his husband into a comforting hug.

“I know… I know..” Henry strokes Chad's hair lovingly “But it won't be like that ok? We can do something this time, I promise…” Chad nestles into his neck nodding, unsure of his promise but grateful at the attempt.

~~~

“Ugh, he's such a dick!” Alice exclaims upon returning home, Paul groans annoyed at her volume. She throws her things on to the couch, as Paul lazily does the same. He curls up into the blanket left there and dozes off peacefully. Alice rolls her eyes at him, he snores ok? It's annoying.

“Language! Alice Matthews, what have I told you about-” her mother enters the room spotting a sleepy Paul, her voice softens as she makes her way over to the tired boy. “About your language” She finishes in a whisper, pulling the blanket further over Paul and kissing him lightly on the forehead.

“But Mom…” Alice whines, almost immediately being shushed by her mother “I caught him cheating on me! Again” She huffs, she feels herself get emotional. She wasn't the type to do so. Her bottom lip quivers, as her eyes threaten to explode with tears. Her mother spots this and goes over quickly embracing her daughter. She strokes her daughter's hair adoringly, as Alice buries her face into her mother's shoulder. “I don't understand what I'm doing wrong” She claims defeated.

“Nothing, you're doing nothing wrong my little wonderland” Her mother soothes her, continuing her reassuring practice. Alice laughs sadly at the nickname and allows herself to cry into her mother. No doubt soaking her mother's clothes, not that she cared, she just wanted her daughter to be safe. They stayed in peaceful silence, as sadness and love breezed through the air.

However, one more fiery emotion was wafting around. It was filled with bitter anger and a very fed up manner.

I'm going to kill him, Paul vowed silently.

[quinintheclouds]

Heyyyyyyyy quin, im gonna rant at you for a bit, because im fucking done with this bullshit!!! So, as of right now, my father's plan is to force me to redo freshman year, wether i want to or not(surprise surprise! i don't) He concluded this after taking one look at my grades from this year(four ds, one two as, two bs. not what i would consider good but thats not the poINT HERE) His exact words were "you are redoing your 9th grade year. its just a question of when." 1/idontfuckingknow

(Gonna paste the rest of your asks here. Tw: suicide mention)

Now, i, having already had a slightly toned-down version of this bloody conversation with my mother, did not have the patience for this shit. The following argument goes aproxxamately as follows,(this is a paraphrased version) beginning with me: "No. No, i already had this fucking conversation, im not redoing a year." "What POSSIBLE ARGUMENT COULD YOU HAVE for me to think so??" silence. "Do you ASPIRE to be a waitress?? Maybe a hairdresser" nothing. It only gets worse frome here. 2/??

"How much EFFORT DID YOU PUT INTO FUCKING THIS UP??" Now, lets stop here for a moment. What the fuck is my father, the man who's jizz became me, trying to pull? Anyway, my response was bewildered at best and full on APPALLED AND ENRAGED at worst: "you think i fucking- what makes you- I PUT EFFOR- THATS THESTUPIDESTSHITVIE EVERFUCKINGHEARD!??!!!! WHAT makes you think i DID IT ON PURPOSE??????" "THIS- *waves my report card in my face, wildly* MAKES ME THINK YOU DID IT ON PURPOSE." 3/4maybe5or6idk

Now, ive been trying, oh have i been trying, to get it through this man's head FOR YEARS, that i would never get bad grades on purpose. That should be a given right??? Anyway, he waves the paper in my face, and i (justly) had tears in my eyes. This is the angriest ive seen my father, which is saying a fucking lot, and hes about 8 inches from me, looking me DEAD IN THE FACE. And I have tears in my eyes. I was terrified, and im pretty sure i looked terrified. But did he care? mmmnotreally! 4/???

Ok, im not sure what else exactly he said(other than, sprinkled in there, that I manipulated my mother[no,] and that i 'couldve not shown up to class and still wouldntve done this bad') but either way, he walked away, saying "You WILL NOt be a sophomore at [my school] next year. we arent doing this again." *john mulaney voice* now, we don't have time to unpack all of that, If my father didn't give a shit about me before, he definitely doesn't now. This just fucking confirms it for me. 5/6

Actually, let me rephrase. He, no, BOTH of my parents don't give a shit about my mental health. They care about my grades because, if they turn out good, this tells them theyve done something right. They only give a shit about me if it benefits them, in that way or otherwise. This is what I've figured out. Honestly, i think im gonna have to tell him that ill fucking kill myself if im forced to redo freshman year. At this point, its the only way to get it through his head. 6/fuckigottadoonemore

And, at this point, im not even sure that if i said that, I'd be lying. In fuCKING conclusion, my parents do not give a shit. They don't give A SHIT, about how much BEING HELD BACK, is gonna FUCKING AFFECT ME, THEY JUST WANT MY GRADES TO BE BETTER SO THEY CAN FEEL BETTER ABOUT THEM-FUCKING-SELVES. I'm done now.

_________________________________________________________

Wow, that sounds stressful as all hell... also your parents sound like mine. I can’t stand parents who put blame on their kid for their mental health or struggles. They don’t need the burden of thinking it’s their fault ON TOP OF the burden of actually dealing with that shit! Is it possible to talk to a counselor at school about not wanting to repeat the year? Those grades qualify you to move on, don’t they? I’d be as pissed as you if my dad tried to do that. It’s your education. My parents have screamed at me about grades many a time, and I FEEL your pain. The way they’re acting is unhealthy for you, and I’m so so sorry you have to go through it. Telling you your future has no potential unless you do what they say is manipulative bullshit.

"How much EFFORT DID YOU PUT INTO FUCKING THIS UP??" OH MY GOD if I had an ant for every time my parents said this to me I could make an ant colony strong enough to take over the world. It is NOT okay. Suggesting that your work is a failure in the first place is awful, but adding in that you did it on purpose is a terrible parenting excuse because they think it reflects on them. That shit will mess you up. I still struggle to remember that me having trouble with something doesn’t make it my fault. I used to believe them and blame myself for every break I took. Playing a video game? Could’ve been studying. Reading a book? Should have asked for extra credit. All of that is ridiculous and harmful to any kid or adult. Let’s get one thing clear: it is NOT. YOUR. FAULT. And another: grades are not a measurement of effort, intelligence, or worth. They’re structured poorly and the entire school system desperately needs revamping. Your future is not doomed regardless of your grades.

Your dad saying you “'couldve not shown up to class and still wouldntve done this bad'” is ABHORRENT. Telling you that you not trying at all is better than any efforts you make is just so profoundly fucked up, pardon my French. Also, completely wrong. 

“BOTH of my parents don't give a shit about my mental health. They care about my grades because, if they turn out good, this tells them theyve done something right. They only give a shit about me if it benefits them, in that way or otherwise.“ My parents are the same way. They only care about whether something makes them look good or bad. You are NOT their trophy to show off as though your achievements are their own, and you are NOT some shameful thing for them to treat poorly. You are, always have been, and always will be, your own person. 

I’m gonna use a quote from a show that hits me really hard and I feel that every child of awful parents needs to hear. “I’m... sorry. I’m sorry your parents don’t care enough. You have every right to be angry. But you deserve to be happy.” You have been through so much, and your anger is absolutely justified. And yet, that doesn’t mean you can’t or won’t be happy. You deserve better than anger. You deserve to be happy. “And I hope you can find that... even if it’s not today.”

“Honestly, i think im gonna have to tell him that ill fucking kill myself if im forced to redo freshman year. At this point, its the only way to get it through his head. And, at this point, im not even sure that if i said that, I'd be lying.” I have been there, so I’ll be 100% honest with you. If your parents are anything like mine -- and it sounds like they are -- telling them you’ll kill yourself still won’t get through to them. In fact, it might make them take you even less seriously if they see you using it as leverage. Kids of parents that don’t take mental health seriously often drive themselves further into depression as a cry for help (not by their own fault) that’s perpetuated by never being heard. I got worse and worse (tw suicide ment) and I told my parents I was having suicidal thoughts. They just saw it as lazy and selfish and overreacting. I spiraled deeper. Then, when I made an attempt, my mom was furious, screaming at me and threatening me because I could’ve messed up her gun. “If you really want to be dead, ask me and I’ll gladly do it for you. At least I know how to use a fucking gun right.”

I could go on with the rest of that story, but I’ll sum it up by saying: I got help. I got better. I realized that if they wouldn’t care about me, I would. I knew what I was feeling was real. I knew I needed help if I wanted to survive. And now, I’ve found real happiness and more stability. Mental health issues don’t go away easily, and I know it’s not the same for everyone, but working on them is so worth it. I promise it can get better. People like to think of happiness as a long-term thing, but life will always have its ups and downs... I still have down days. I won’t pretend I don’t still have a lot to work through. But I am, finally, okay. I never knew “okay” could be the default, or how okay life could be. And it’s amazing. Happy happens a lot more now, and depression is smaller and manageable. I know you’re stuck where you are for now, and may not have access to professional help. But please... Please care about yourself, even if your parents don’t. I care about you. You deserve to, too. 

I’ve had so many moments that I felt were the last straw, that I couldn’t handle any more, that I was broken or ruined or doomed, but even then I somehow managed to survive. And I can honestly say I am so, so glad that I did. Please don’t let your parents ruin that for you. It’s not your fault for where you are. And it’s not where you’ll be forever. No matter what happens in this situation, whether it’s repeating the grade or moving on to the next, I believe that you can make it through. You are so fucking strong for making it this far. I know you might not believe me, but try to trust me. You. Deserve. Better. And even if it sucks right now, you absolutely can get there.

[new-to-this123]

Emptiness

As per requested

Hello, can you do a imagine where the reader and Zach are dating but she's very depressed (but never show it) and when he find out that she was planning to kill herself he freaks out and tell her how much he loves her and she gives up because loves him to

Zach Dempsey X Reader

Warning: mentions of suicide, swearing

Word count: 1493

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~Journal Entry~~~~

Thursday April 13, 2017

i'm a lucky girl. My parents are rich, i lived in a mansion, im a straight A student, i'm captain of the cheer team, all the boys want me, even though i'm taken by none other than Zach Dempsey, every girl wants to look and be like me. I have everything! My family loves me, my parents are still together, and it looks like i'm gonna follow in Jay and Jordan, my older brothers, footsteps, and go to Stanford. I mean my dad already told me i was going to get accepted. But i don't know. I just don't feel like i belong on this planet. In this universe. In this lifetime. I have everything but i'm depressed. I want to die. I’m never really happy. And it's not like i can just tell my parents, they'd tell me i was wrong and that i'm ok and that i have no reason to be depressed. And i can't tell zach, id scare him off. So here i am dealing with this alone. Anyways i guess ill stop being a big suck and go to sleep

~~~~End Journal Entry~~~~

Text:  

Loverboy: Good morning babe! I hope you slept well and had great dreams. i just wanted to let you know that i can't wait to see you today and i love you so much. And i miss you too! Even though i saw you yesterday lol I love you Y/N! Y/N: awe thanks boo! I love you and miss you too and i can't wait to see you too!! :* Loverboy: Wanna ride together? Or do you wanna meet at school? Y/N: IDK i think my Rolls-Royce Phantom Serenity beats your audi! Lol lol lol :P Loverboy: so you can pick me up then, little miss perfect ;) Y/N: me and my perfect car will pick up my perfect boyfriend in 5 minutes :)

You left your house, got in your car, plugged your aux cord into your phone and blasted “crossroads” by I Prevail as you headed to zachs. He was outside waiting for you.

“Well good morning handsome” you said as zach sat down

“Well good morning beautiful” zach replied hugging you and kissing your lips.

You drove to school listening to your music, holding zachs hand.

You got to school, got out your car when justin and and bryce walked up to you guys.

“Wow your parents let you take this to school??”  Bryce asked looking at your car

“There's not much my parents wont let me do” you said with a smile on your face, deep down you hated it. The fact that you could get away with murder and your parents would still think of you as a saint.

“That car looks like it cost a lot” justin exclaimed looking at the car.

“Roughly 1 million dollars” you replied, hating the fact that you knew he came from nothing and here you are driving a million dollar car.

“What kind of car is that?” Scott asked as he walked up to you guys, with jeff.

“It's a Rolls-Royce Phantom Serenity. Not lets stop gawking over Y/N car and go” zach answered taking your hand leading everyone to the school.

Everyone said Hi and Good morning to you, like always, as you walked into school. You secretly hated it, but whatever, that comes with being the “Happy Popular girl” that you were! You headed to your locker, grabbed your books and headed to your first class.You were happy that it was friday because that meant half day. Only half a day to deal with all these dumbasses, you had to call your peers. Some days you were impressed that you managed to keep your anger and hatred and depression under lock and key as well as you did.

Finally the bell rang signaling it was home time.

Text:

Loverboy: Hey beautiful, got practice so i'll catch a ride with one of the guys. I love you. And i'll see you tonight or tomorrow. Y/N: Have fun i love you

You drove home, not sure what you were feeling. You wanted the emptiness and confusion you felt inside of you to go away. You hated it. You got home and went to your room.

~~~~Journal Entry~~~~

Friday April 14, 2017

I'm so hurt. I don't even know why. I just wanna die. I think, i think i might actually try and kill myself. I'm over feeling lost and alone. And empty. The emptiness is driving me insane. Literally. I'm going crazy over how empty i feel. I love my family and i love zach, but i just can't seem to shake this loneliness away. The fact that everyone likes me drives me insane. I hate the fact that they all like me, and they think i'm some saint. I'm not a saint. I hate being known as the smiley happy girl. Urg here i am ranting again. Feels like im doing this a lot lately. Ranting about everything. About my life. My oh so perfect life.

~~~~End Journal Entry~~~~

You sat on your bed looking at your journal crying. “Why do i feel like this all the time? WHY?” you thought to yourself. You laid down, and cried yourself to sleep! You were woken up by your mother's voice.

“ hey Y/N how was school?”

“Oh hey mom.” you said sitting up. “ school was ok. Whats up?”

“Your father and i are leaving, for a few weeks. A business trip”

“When do you leave?”

“Right away. Im sorry it's last minute. But your father is waiting for me in the car. We love you, be good, and your brothers are just a phone call away, if you need anything.”

Your mom walked out your room, not even looking back. You didn't want to be alone this weekend, not with the mindset you had, but didn't want to pester zach to come over. So you called your oldest brother, Jordan.

“Hey what's up sis, you're on speaker” jordan said

“Hey monster” jay said. He had always called you that.

“Hey guys. I was wondering what you were up to this weekend?”

“Partying” your brothers said in unison.

“Would you be willing to come home?” you asked

“Why?” Jay asked

“Because mom and dad left and their gone for who knows how long. And i just dont want to be alone.”

“Call up zach” Jordan said

“Please guys”

“No way man! You'll be fine! It's not the first time you've been alone and it won't be the last. We dealt with it and you can too.” Jay said almost annoyed

“Ya but you had each other and me! Im ALONE.. Please”

“Y/N stop. You'll be fine! We aren't coming!” Jay replied

“Jordan” you said, before being cut off by Jay

“Bye Y/N” and jay hung up.

You started crying. You hated everything right now. Your parents always being gone, your brothers for being assholes, everyone for thinking you were oh so perfect. You were done waiting for life to be better. You were done waiting for your thoughts to get better. You were gonna fix everything. You went to your bathroom and ran a bath. You went to your parents room and found your dad's razor blades. You walked back to your room, crying. You sat in the tub, fully dressed, holding the razor blade in your hand. You were crying, and didn't hear the door of the bathroom open.

“Y/N what the fuck???” zach yelled

He ran up to you and took the razor blade out of your hand.

“Why? Why would you do this?” zach asked crying

“Why why are you here?” you asked

“Jordan called me. Said you called him and and were practically begging them to come home and he wanted me to come check on you because he was worried.” Zach answered. “And now i see why”

“I'm sorry” you said as zach helped you out the tub.

“Babe, come here” zach said pulling you into a hug.

“I'm so sorry. I'm just.. I'm just so sad. All the damn time. And i hate it. I want to make everything just go away.” you cried

“I love you so much Y/N and im always here for you. Why didn't you tell me any of this?” zach asked you

“I don't know how to. I didn't want to bring you down. I’m fucked up ok?”

“No no NO Y/N you're not. You just need help. And i'm gonna help you get it. When you're ready.” Zach told you, getting you some dry pjs.

He helped you get dressed and led you to your bed.

“Zach i promise, i won't ever do it again.” you said laying down in bed, zach climbing in behind you holding you close.

“I love you Y/N, Never forget that” zach kissed your head, and you both fell asleep.

[uncrownedkings]

So...

ive been seeing a lot of rather cringy lgbt+-related rant videos and posts on tumblr. these kinds of thing has been going on for a while now. i think maybe its just totally inappropriate timing what with all the trump dilemma that made ppl become more triggered than usual, but its come to the point where i have to go out of my way to make both a rant and a psa out of this post.  or maybe ive been following the wrong ppl.

anyways, those cringy rant vids/posts. they are usually white teenage girls who go on and on about how someone called them “miss” when “excuse me????” *cough cough* “ACTUALLY, im genderfluid.” 

ok. howbout YOU excuse me. bc frankly, you look like a “miss”, so thats why i called you “miss”. i mean like i wont call you a bitch until you look like a female dog. OH MY!!!! im sorry!!! youre genderfluid. my bad. correction: a genderfluid dog. so yeah, dont you act all triggered just bc someone assumed your gender identity incorrectly. how could i tell when you have your boobs falling out of your shirt?? you dont exactly announce your gender to the world, do you??? its only fair that i would assume so. empathize with the ppl who arent exposed to the different lgbt spectrums. dont rant about it. TAKE ACTION and take the initiative to point out their mistake. youre genderfluid, fine with me. that is my mistake, sorry for being ignorant and not noticing. pls correct me. its simple as that. why dont you have the nerve to correct them when someone mistook your gender, but you have it in you to go to fucking tumblr to rant about it? the mistake isnt gonna fix itself when you do so. it only gets fixed when you point it out to the person who made that mistake. what is your purpose here???? are you trying to get sympathy or attention?? bc youre not getting any from me. i dont care and im sick of it. if you want someone who does, go tell your mother. 

yall lgbt ppl assumed this “dont assume” policy for yourselves. im willing to follow, but there will ofc be ppl out there who are not aware. dont blame them. from the moment any child is born, they are subjected to this hetero-normative view of how a person is identified as.  they are programmed from a young age that there is an order in which a person follows. if youre not female, youre male. there seems to be no other option. being lgbt creates the opportunity to be someone else. not all ppl are exposed to this. those who do take advantage of it. 

im part of the lgbt community myself (as i am bi), but im embarrassed for what some of you have done to demean the value of the lgbt community. its like how ppl seem to always be hating on feminists all over again, bc of some ppl taking it too far and dont fully understand what it means. just bc you dont conform to the norms of society when it comes to sexual orientation doesnt mean you get any special favour. my friends, even the gay ones, have been joking around about how “omg youre cant do _____ just bc im gay like thats not ok.” but i find the truth in what they joke around about. ppl from the lgbt seem to always be finding excuses to be offended when someone comments on their sexuality. 

take it from my experiences. i live near two schools, so there are lots of kids in my neighborhood. the school im going to is a very multicultural public school that has a lot of brown and asian kids (my squad), and the other school is a prestigious private school specializing in art that is predominantly white. both schools are very close, so we know the ins and outs of each other. admittedly, i have lots of friends from both of the schools: lgbt friends, non-lgbt friends, and friends who jokes/pretend that they are lgbt. my point is: i know this kid from the private school. there was a rumour that he is gay. i confronted to him and bluntly asked him if he is actually gay. he started yelling at me defensively, saying “do you have a problem??? you cant just hate me bc im gay.” I DID NOT DO ANYTHING. i didnt speak to him again. on the other hand, theres this muslim trangendered boy in my school. hes quite famous due to his gender identity. when i met him for the first time, i asked him if he is transgender. he was cool about it and just simply said “yeah. im pretty famous in this school arent i?” he didnt get offended. he didnt act defensively. we were off with a very good start. since our school are more multicultural than the private school, a lot of us coming from eastern countries. eastern countries are more conservative and they dont take kindly to “different” ppl. he worked hard to be who he wants to be, and he is confident with himself and his gender. 

not totally unrelated to this, but im a friend of a girl who goes to the private school. nice kid, very cute, great at dance. she usually dresses in pretty dresses and skirts. but one day, she came in with jeans, sweater, and short boyish hair. everyone was surprised. then she told everyone she is genderfluid. there were a lot of genderfluid ppl in the private school, not so much in my school. when i asked her how she knew, she said why not??

it seems like there is a trend on being lgbt+, especially in this demographic (white, female, teen). as soon as its openly accepted, ppl will conform to become a part of this new thing. even after joining tumblr and seeing all these new lgbt+ categories makes me question myself. i tried to fit myself into this label, and i feel that this is what is happening. before it is accepted in western countries, the idea was very hush hush. now that everyone is beginning to accept it, suddenly everyone is lgbt. not like “oh im closeted bc lgbt is not accepted and now im out bc its accepted.” no, its like “oh this lgbt thing is pretty new! lets see which category i THINK i fit in the best and squeeze myself into this label.” im sorry, if youre an actual lgbt veteran and you have been fighting all your life for acceptance and equal rights. but there are ppl who are trying to conform to this lgbt+ “thing” bc it seems like everyone is out as well. there are even some ppl who would go out of there way to make a point that they ARE indeed lgbt+. you cant just wake up one morning and decide that youre suddenly asexual, or pansexual (when you havent even had a sexual relationship) or genderfluid. its not fair to those who have worked so hard. but then again, im in no position to tell you who you are. you are the controller of your life. but dont act all defensive and go crying to your followers just bc someone makes a comment on your sexuality/gender but  youre not confident/sure enough about it to forget and forgive. if this is truly who you are, then TAKE ACTION. you dont need to prove to me that you are lgbt, just simply embrace it by expressing it. BELIEVE IN WHO YOU ARE. and dont be ashamed. you cant stop someone from assuming when you yourself dont accept that fact. who cares what others think.

ok so. after all that longass rant with the telling of my whole fucking life story, half-assed motivational quotes, and some rather rude use of language, the moral of the story is: i dont have a problem with your gender identification or sexual orientation, im actually fine with it. but i do have a problem with people using that as an excuse to act all disgusted and horrified and lash out on social media when someone may or may not have intentionally “offended” them. if its actually offensive, fine, you are free to make a point about it and shove it up their asses. but when someone asks you if youre gay, you DONT FUCKING GIVE THEM YOUR ATTITUDE. saying yes is enough. its up to their discretion to either shrug and move on (which i would do bc i dont care about your sexuality) or they can punch you in the face like a fucking trump supporter that they are. it is only when they punch you that you fight back. DONT FIGHT WHEN THERE IS NO REASON TO FIGHT AT ALL. 

i know that there will be ppl who would be displeased with me. nvm, i dont think there would be that much ppl reading it in the first place. oh well. just trying to make a point. im not sorry that i made this post on this particular topic, but im sorry for the incredibly coarse/rude language. i have said offensive things that is borne from my frustration. if there are ppl out there who sees mistruths or ignorance in my post, you are welcome to enlighten me. my views arent rigid and im not exactly knowledgeable in this topic, so i am willing to change them if your point is valid.  but ill only be accepting replies with point, proof, and analysis. also, you are welcome to block/unfollow me as well, but tbh, i wont be posting these kinds of thing again anytime soon. ill just be back to the cute, unassuming anime blog that silently supports the lgbt+ community and strongly opposes trump. thank you for your time, and have a nice day.

[haeroniel-doliet]

thbleugh but what bich is gonna fight me for me

idk im just gonna rant again, im sorry if youre on mobile just like, give it a big flick and fly past this i tried i actually have a read more this time

anywy im feelin shitty an dumb n weird an its not fun?? like do we try categorize these feelings: 

1. i have 3 days to pass a course and all the course work i failed to do in fucking march 

1.b. all those emotions to do w unis great! but also ive been solow and sad and dysfunctional its not rly even funny, grades dropping many levels in half a year like. sure grades dont define my life but considering how easy it is for me to get those grades to see them consistently and kinda dramatically dropping isnt helping (even though like i actively know i got lower grades bc i didnt fucking attend class or take in any knowledge. i realise hahah im making a psychology reference bc im a smart psychology uni student.... hmh oh yeah we, we learned about this, i dont know it. my peers do. oh. oh i didnt, i didnt learn anything. oh no. im here to learn abt the subject im supposedly loving and thats the best fit for me bc like hell id be an artist. anyway i have a lot of shit down here i havent figured out who to talk it out to. the mental health advisor didnt have the time for it rly and w counsellors its been different topics but now were in summer and id rather spend the spare money i can rattle off my parents on ballet than a psyhc i could see 2 times best. im just gonna have to wait till septembet bc my dumb white wall subscitption expired too damnti. ugh im just, okay lets move on

2. inadequacy thats not justified? like it is obvs bc it bothers me and i know i can do better and i am better than this all and i clearly have smth stopping me. while to others im doing just fine if not better than them who are really struggling and kinda dont have sympathy for me who goes ‘ugh im doing so badly and struggling, i mean i write perfect essays in one go but its just so hard to do thattt and i know im smarter and better than this’ esp bc say putting words together in that way is difficult on them and not been good at school

2.b. like being good at school but noot being good now, classic phenomenon or has my school system always been the softes most coddliest and where in the normal or worse school 1would have performed average and maybe learned to study and the worth of it to do better, ive just been good enough that caring became so unnecessary i need to waste my time on pointless but constant other things. like youtube and rpchats. constant monotone stimulation for hours. andhours. 

2.c. asking for help bc im struggling w actually getting over the fuzzy and struggle and self hate and blegh feelings to do some work thatd allow me to pass the coursein my 3 days of the very last extended time. and then realising, ah either youve slaved over your work and stressed and panicked to have it good and on time and have no pity left for me and my foolishness, or you never got to uni/struggled to go to uni and think im wasting my opportunity by being an ungrateful lazy piece of hsit. and i know ia m. and 2.d. its the reason why im not doing extra volunteering or serious extra curriculars thatd give the headstart in my lfie. bc, even tho on one side i wanna be that kid and owuld scoff at ppl not doing it who are here for fun and get a degree on the side, rn i see it as not stealing away dedicated good peoples spots who deserve to get the extra recognition for being clever and independent, meanwhile knowing htat probablyill be just fine. worst case scenario for me is literally (ok theres worse but v unlikely) living w my parents and ending up at a mediocre service job to another mediocre office job or smth and never get to a lab bc i wasnt sufficient enough and i never got the cotton balls out of my head and cleared up again to be smart enogh

okay what next, shitty privilige, crying abt my cotton ball head or not being smart

3. okay were gonna do the smart first bc my chest hurts and i kinda feel like crying or smth abt it. like in a dumb (fun) chat im playing athena known for wisdom and all this shit, and though i can throw out a quip or two or cleverly use smth to keep the smartass wisdom stick going on, every now and then i realise how dumb i am and not smart enough that another person could clearly fill this in much better. like. you know all the hilarious posts abt mansplaining and women being pushed out of their fields by dumber men who think they know better bc the others a woman and like, yeah? things where they are confident enough to say, actually i am way smarter than you and i know this bettr. here i am feeling like even if i spent years researching smth i wouldnt have the confidence to feel smart and knowldegeable abt it. like rn, i cant even hold arguments anymore bc im a fool. and i come off as dumb and i dont want to be, i still wanna be the smart kid, but im not working my brain im not doing work or research or learning, im jsut floating by w my cotton ball head thats getting fuzzier and fuzzier and though i can do tasks and would probably b v compeittive if it came to that and need to prove myself as smart, i can no longer feel like id hold my own, esp when people poke holes so easily, trap falls, “hah you dont know what to say ive bested you you dumb bitch” vibey things i just. its horrible? i wanna be smart and be confident in my smartness and feel recognized as smart by other people and live up to that expectation of actually being clever. and not just, knowing im smart enough in some ways bc school ive  passed so easy w always good remarks and participate well in class discussion and all, and im sure nobody thinks im rly dumb bc if i have to ask things im v friendly and try to be attentive. and idk if nobodys expecting more than me, bc again if i cant answer ive developed to be v chill about it and come off as average i guess. 

anyways 4. privilige; like thers multiple inc. the fact im fucking finnish aka my education system was supposedly one of the best, i grew up international so i wasnt even confined to one shitty school in one shitty town, ive had varied school experiences and switching so much i think has given me confidence in myself and shit like that. also bc im finnish i get grants in uni, like free money. and so far i have barely had to use it bc surprise my parents are togther and decently well off bc they got lucky w a job being fancy ppl for 3 years and my older brother is already  adulting and slowly doing his own thing so i can have more money from them. aka. catch my dad paying all my rent and food and everything i need/ ask for on the condition we keep a good releationship. and im reasonable bc he raised me smart apparently idk. but that still means im living at home i have no intentions of becoming an independent home owner bc idk how i would esp since ill be with my parents most holidays for years to come and idk even when or how ill become a real adult being in a real home w real comapnionship. bc rn idk who im even gonna live with, hopefully be civil w them maybe even make a bit of friends but im not gonna have a significant other to move in and support me for a while bc thats a thing idk if were getting into today in this why im feeling shitty rant. 

4.b. so im priviliged in everyway to go to uni for free (damn i gotta apply for that again) in a nice country and a nice and supportive school and get funding from both my parents and my country and not worry abt money and just get a degree all supported and babied again. im also, idk. priviliged bc, fuck writing comes easy to me, i know nayone reading my rants would be like... yeah this is barely legible and terrible writted and mind blurts so i say it is yes bc its mind blurts but i can organise my htoughts into fancy essays surprisingly easy and critical stuff like psych and english came  mad easy to an extent. sure, i wasnt talented in math but i still made it, i am not talented in science but sometimes the concepts click and i can . but then, im also talented in art. and im not ashamed to say its privilige disposition or talent or smth, bc damn. i do not practice or dedicate enough love to claim that. sure, ive drawn always, sure, ive practiced more as a kid thatn other kids and thats probably carried me thru pretty far, but i think ive just had a natural disposition to be good at art technique (creativity maybe not so, or inspiration) but i know what looks good and sometimes how to achieve that. cue montage to art class where i sit w my friends who are talking about bands or making outlines w nut shells bc there i am beside them doing the work in half the time twice as good. mostly bc the teacher wasnt great and would assign essentially copying a picture from a4 to a2 u know like drawing the same thing. and thats not easy. and youre supposed to build up really light layers and slowly refine it.  and ppl who listened only ended up w shitty light drawings that either look like potatoes or vaguely like the picture, while i with boosting confidence would go, we only do one super light sketch one medium sketch and one dark layer. bc by the medium one everything is in its place and looks abt like everyone elses and i need the dark hues to show it accurately even if it isnt perfect, and my work would like almost always stand out on the wall bc it was so different/advanced. i wont lie it influenced my friends to not draw as well or as much sitting next to me, and ofc id feel bad and i could never boast bc i felt bad that they didnt try bc they saw me, thought mines not gonna be like that so im just gonna fuck around and do whatever. and i obvs needed praise but would always feel bad bc it was obviously me who was the best in that class and its so self conceited but, it kinda just was true in that small class half of whom didnt want to be there. me butt kissin and trying to impress myself w my skill. catch like, that first day he asked us to draw the person next to us, and i made my partner draw me first, bc i just knew if i went first theyd look at it and draw me a potato stick figure in 5 seconds and say i cant draw like you. and true. while the rest of the class made sketchy circle guys, some looing so childish, here i went and said, okay i find it awkward having you stare at me and if  you move a lot it makes it harder to be accurate, so, like take out your phone and get comfortable and look down at that for a while hence drawing3/4 unlike anyone else w eyes cast down and damn if i dont remember it being beautiful and identifiable as that friend, even tho the teacher told ppl around me like, ah yes she did it this way, 3/4 not face on which is much easier. which is true but bitch you never said. sides it looks so much better and was so much less frustrating. anyway, even now in that chat i go and like drop my drawings in bc partially i just wanna draw more and showing people makes me draw? u know. and i kinda wanna get compliments. but ive figured im pretty humble abt it. and sure i get comments that are like god i wish i could draw like that from someone that doesnt draw arms or legs and theyre v bublehead cartoon. and im like. you could. but yours is still middle school level, so just, keep working at it, get confidence to break your mold. 

that andtheres this one chick that,,,, gawd, well they admit to being a sociopath in chat which is great and seem real attention seekery in general (theres a surprising amount of people, while in midst of rp and getting compliments go “well i guess im a shit rpr because nobody wants to rp with me ://) post art and then be like dramatically UGH i hate it it looks so bad im terrible at art, literally poster girl for fishing for compliments. and even if i dont like the style at all, i try give in anatomical pointers or smth abt the drapery or smth technical i can complement. bc id want the same i guess? and i dont love let alone like the art itself. and then, while getting so many of those theyre like “yeah well nobody likes my art, say it reminds them of this character (jessica rabbit while all hers have big hips big tits tiny waists massive lips massive eye, but just one eye bc the otehrs covered by hair like theres obvious similarities) which means im totally not original like i thought so why even try!” and other melodramatic things that i can argue, but they dont wanna hear it they want attention and praise and i just ughhh i could preach you about how no art is original and its all from influence, or how someone doesnt have to like your style to appreciate it, or someone might love your style and like. basic stuff ive figured out myself. and it gets frustrating trying not to get a superiority, or to start shoving my own art in there to try compete or smth. and its just. hard. idk. id k. i know theres people who are averse to art and never tried to be good at it who are obvs gonna be omg thats so good i cant even draw and ill be like, hah yeah sure dude if you tried maybe btut thanks. 

also drawing man its so weird, whenever i see someone elses drawing a part of me goes “we must draw so that we can show were better than that” like, either to get complimetns and shift it to me? or to just show them off. to be like. i can do it better. which i kinda hate about myself? that i draw mostly bc of that and a need to show off? like amxxs art or smth, them talking like yeahh ugly art is good art, drawing is so healing i feel great or im so proud of myself for improivng so much look at my art, and a part of me goes, awh yes! my theorys proven working on art for yourself improves and can cheer you up, another goes, yesnow i must draw to show how good i am and show how i too feel fulfilled by drawing but also make it about me by weeping how i hate drawing myself. literally smths wrong w me seeing others pot abt their midrift, or learning to accept their curves or drawing themselves or smth, and theres a gremlin of me going like yeah but i cant draw myself bc i tried once and it looks like shit and ill only highlight my flaws and im slightly afraid of someone saying it looks exactly like me or other dumb shit, or i dont have curves to accept bcim not big hip big thic thigh girl im just. my legs are big but mostly ugly bc of the skin on them not bc of their size (ankles tho oof) and i have no hips i have no butt bc it allwent to my stoamch thats also ugly and my broad   badly postured back thats also ugly w these spots and marks and scars soon probably. and saggy boobs dont forget those. bc theyre literally fat sacks aiming for the ground i guess. anyway. no cute curves,  no beautiful skin no nth its just tough and i cant help but feel the negativity towards myself in almost every glimpse of someone elses positivity. i dont always air it which would be horrible of me to do, but its still there. making their happiness about my misery. maxx loves their boyfriend?> i hate them bc i dont like him and its rining it> i hate them havingsuch a dreamy but fake seeming ‘soulmate’ relationship bc its not true and i think itll end up terribly> im neveer gonna have that and im jealous of them i guess having someone theyd dedicate so much to and who loves them so much theyre all over the place making sappy things> well theyre an oveer romantic whod do it over the smallest things this wasnt a great example. 

anyway yeah extra note, even if i felt comfortable enough for sex im not comfortable enough in my body for that and idk how thats relevant to anything but i guess thats smth id also talk w a therapist abt whod probably tell me, then dont have sex! like yeah thats my plan.but im talking never gonna be able to form a relationship bc even having a friend for a sleepover makes me uncomfortable having them see me in an uncontrolled clothed position. u feel. 

anyway i have a lot of little problems that amount and i guess when i start addressing one the rest pop up their ugly heads and this is why i never getanywhere. this all comes from  how shitty i feel from how i have literally not even 3 full days to complete those tasks and pass, and i know i need to, though nothing in me actually feels like itll actually do the work u know, that spiraled through that chat into privilige of being at school and how i should tryy a bit that turned to im priviliged to be smart to pass and in my talent in art despite not being an artist that spiraled to another way i disliked myself and thats my fucked relations to myself my body and relationships (esp including me that dont exist)  

side note, though no surprise if for some ungodly reason youve read this shit i wrote at 8.30 am when i have a docs appointment abt my very ugly skin at 12.45 i over share. easily. if somseone asks id give them all. look at this. even in that chat i spiraled from, hah fun fucked up thing im almost failing my course bc im a shit, to my  heads filled with fuzz and i hate that i cant live up to my potentia. and im surprised how much i like this one guy, though who with his character ripped into my athena and make me question all my smartness, really makes me feel better ooc??? like theyre genuinely nice and just too informed and funny and playing the dick for a very well thought out reason (drunk doesnt mean it etc) and while the sociopath gal is giving me the side eye after they tried to help but figured out im a prviliged kid whos in school for free and not making the most of it and how easy school has been forme when for them despite their hard efforts they failed high school.u know not reallly helping kinda making me fele worse bc i know i should be doing better and could be and not only bc i have a priviliged opportuntity to and ability, i would benefit so much more if i did it for myself. but here comes by weird guy who slips on a freudian approach and claims they love helping ppl through their problems so i drop another overshare paragraph if he rly wanted to help but lighten it by taking thetopic off, he doesnt return and never address my post bc now its onto talking abt the big rp thing. im not mad. i just, idk i kinda wanted their support, another poor stranger to inflict w my extremely troubled wordy lengthy and i guess complex thoughts and feelings and lack there of sometimes and other shit. 

anyway im not doing great but im gonna grab 3 hrs of sleep before the doc, come back, nap, go to ballet again, come back, ad.... do smth.. work. maybe. one can hope. i hate it will it actually work only time can tell and i hate myself already.ugh. i hate i hate im not okya with this why cant someone else deal w me for me. deal with all these feelings and botherings and make me do my work and be satisfied doing it and do it all in time and feel a little success and reward myself like i should for work done and not just when i want. idk. someone,t ake over my life, you might be better at it. help me dela with school that i currently hate the most even if im meant to end up a scholar or smth