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lumberjackloverboy-moved · 2 years

Note

hi i don't know anything at all about zelda can you describe the plot in as much detail as u can /gen

OH BOY. OH BOY. OH NO

so zelda is notorious for having the most bullshit timeline ever so if you really want this buckle up lmao.

so here is the beautiful horrible convoluted timeline. it covers 15 games (two are missing), three timeline splits, and is just ridiculous:

im gonna break this up by timeline, then game, and end w breath of the wild and hyrule warriors. there'll be some lore bits thrown in too. this is your time to leave if you need to. you've been warned /hj

(i spent literal days on this everyone is required to like and tell me how smart and handsome i am)

CREATION AND PRE SPLIT:

So in the beginning, there were the Three Golden Goddesses: Din, the Goddess of Power, Nayru, the Goddess of Wisdom, and Farore, the Goddess of Courage.

Together, they created the world. Then they dipped outta there. They entrusted the world to Hylia, who is also called the golden goddess sometimes bc nintendo can't think of another color. basically, they left, and when they did they went to the sacred realm, a realm that is uh. sacred. idk holy stuff is there, and at the spot where they left the material plane and entered this realm, the triforce was created. it was a trio of sacred golden triangles (yes more gold. nintendo pls) that would give immense power to whoever held it, mostly in the form of granting any wish imaginable. it was made up of the triforces of wisdom, power, and courage.

so the goddess are are gone, hylia is chillin, protecting the world and the triforce, everything is great until our anti-bestie demise shows up. demise is the king of the demons (??? it's not made very clear what he is. he's bad, okay?) and he wants control of the world and the triforce. a war breaks out between the two gods and hylia goes to find someone strong enough to help her end it. that someone is link, the First Ever Link bc there are like 18 of them. the goddess sword is forged for him, which holds the sword spirit fi, and they uh. well they dont really win.

(hylia and her dead boyfriend. rip)

hylia seals demise away, but link is killed in action and the world is decimated. she sends the last of her people onto an island in the sky, far from the destruction, and, knowing the seal wont hold forever, reincarnates herself and link so they'll be there when the seal breaks.

Skyward Sword

okay so did you get all that? that's the fucking PROLOGUE baby. i told you this would be long, im so sorry. NOW we are at the first game, skyward sword! it was made for the wii and really unpopular bc the motion controls sucked, which is a shame bc the story and character designs are great! so remember when we last saw link and hylia and they were being reincarnated? meet zelda and link 2.0, the two people they were reincarnated as!

link and zelda are two normal teens living on skyloft, the island in the sky. they're at an academy to become knights, they fly around on their giant birds, have the cutest fucking friendship ever, and their life is pretty damn good aside from a few bullies, like groose. but one day when link and zel are out flying a storm appears and rips zelda out of the sky. bye bye zelda. link is in a panic, and is called by uh. the force? to where the goddess sword and fi have been slumbering. he draws fi, puts on a snazzy green hat, and sets off for the world under skyloft to find zelda.

on the surface, he finds that zelda was saved from the storm by impa, her badass girlfriend, and that they are on the run trying to purify zelda's soul so she can fully realize her goddess potential. link follows after, and in the process meets the demon twink lord ghirahim, who is trying to capture zelda and use her life force to revive demise. he is the spirit of demise's sword, just as fi is the spirit of link's.

so link is following zelda around and ends up at the temple of the time, where zelda and impa are chilling. ghirahim finds them and zelda and impa book it through a gate of time (time travel? fun!) but not before zelda gives link her magic goddess harp. link goes on a funky quest to learn how to use it. in the process, he meets up w his old bully groose. they make up and team up to save zelda. quality redemption arc, it's super cute. link fights a weakened version of demise that was slowly escaping the seal, the imprisoned. it's a stupid boss fight it's not that important. anyways, now he finds out his sword isnt strong enough to kill demise (it would have been a lot faster if they just told him all of this upfront???) so he has to go beef it up.

he does so using the sacred flames and gets the master sword! that sword is very important! it is in almost every game do not forget it!

link finds a second gate of time, beats the shit outta ghirahim over it, and goes through, ending up in a time right after demise gets sealed away. link learns abt hylia's war and that hylia essentially created him just to fight for her and kill demise, which is a shitty thing to do. agency? hylia has never heard of it. it is a recurring problem w her. so link and zelda learn that the seal that had been keeping demise sleep from the end of the war to the present day was actually zelda. time travel! so she has to stay in a magic coma and do that until link kills demise, w link is pretty upset about, but oh well. he goes and gets the triforce and wishes that demise would idk explode or something. he asks it to kill him. the imprisoned (which came back. its such a fucking stupid enemy) is nuked by the triforce, and link books it to zelda. she wakes up, they hug, it's cute, but BAM ghirahim shows up in his twinkish glory, kidnaps zelda, and decides that if he cant resurrect demise in this time he'd just go back in time and do it in another. Time travel!!!

he tries to sacrifice zelda and link beats the ever loving snot outta him, but he's too slow. demise is back baby!! they fight and link wins bc he's link, but before he could finish him off demise curses him: he says that for the rest of time his hatred shall be reborn to destroy the world, and anyone with the blood of hylia (zelda) or the spirit of the hero (link) will be cursed to forever be reborn to stop him. ouch. anyways link seals him in the master sword (a reoccurring process in the games) the day is saved blah blah blah. which means we're ready for.....

Minish Cap

so this is the first game i ever finished by myself! It is near and dear to me. it was on the gameboy and is fucking adorable.

it has been many many many many years since skyward sword. like multiple milenia. hyule, the land established by link and zelda on the surface in ss, is thriving, life is good. now in this hyrule there are these lil bitty mouse creatures called minish who can only be seen by children and do good deeds like hide money in the grass and help you find lost things. every year, the hylians in castle town, the capital of hyrule, hold a festival to honor them.

okay enough exposition!

link, a 10~ year old blacksmith apprentice, (hylia starts em on the trauma train young lol) is meeting up w his best friend, princess zelda, and go to the festival. she gifts him a sheild and he goes with her to watch a sword tournament where a strange person in purple named vaati beats out the competition. for a prize he's supposed to meet the princess, win a sword, and see the picori blade in person. the picori sword, which was forged by the minish as a gift for the last hero of hyrule (reincarnation remember), is a fancy magic sword that bound a sealed chest that held a shit ton of dark creatures and magic and shit. instead of accepting his prize, vaati breaks the sword releasing the dark magic.

he had come in search of the magical light force, a sacred power that is in zelda bc she has the blood of hylia. a note: the words light force/triforce/sacred power/etc are all used when talking abt zelda and vary from game to game. they mean the exact same thing, that she's got the blood of hylia and ~magic goddess powers~. okay to our regularly scheduled programming. so vaati is pissed he didn't find the light force, thinking it was a physical thing he could take, so he murders the guards and turns zelda to stone. link tries and fails to protect her, and once vaati leaves decides that, despite being ten and vaati being a grown man with magic, he's gonna kill vaati and save zelda. he decides the best step would be to fix the picori blade so he sets out for minish woods to find them.

on the way he finds..... a talking hat! the minish cap! or, a cap that is literally a minish. it is a minish sorcererer named ezlo who was curses by vaati into a cap. turns out, vaati wasnt always some big tough guy-he's actually minish! he was ezlo's apprentice who went mad with power, turned himself into a human, and decided to steal the light force. with ezlo's magic, link is able to shrink down to the size of a minish, speak to animals, do certain magic, etc etc etc. so link learns that in order to remake the picori blade, he needs the four elements and sets off on a quest to find them. Link places them and the sword in the elemental sanctuary and forges the four sword, a holy blade that can split its user into four people. link learns from the history of the sanctuary that zelda holds the light force.

meanwhile, vaati has been spying on link. uh oh! he seens when link learns about zelda! uh oh!!! vaati steals zelda's body and begins a ritual to extract her soul/life force/whatever so he can get the power. fun fact, if you take too slow in the boss fight she will die. it will tell you that you were too slow and she is dead now. 10 year old me was traumatized the first time that happened. link beats vaati and him and zelda seal his evil final boss form away in the four sword and place the sword in the sanctuary. the day is saved <3 .... or is it????!?!

Four Sword/Four Sword Adventures

god where to even start. so there games are multiplayer and have almost no plot. i could give the plot of the manga, but it is 100% non canon, so that seems like a waste. Basically: vaati as giant evil bat thing gets free of the four sword. kidnaps zelda. link pulls sword to kill him, turns into four people. a few dungons later he kills vaati. the end. told ya there was no plot.

Ocarina of Time

back to plot! so! much! plot!!!!! Welcome to one of the, if not the, most well know of the games. it was zelda's first 3d game and created a whole generation of zelda fans. a note though: the plot carries some concerning race problems. our main villain is the king of 'thieves from the desert' called the gerudo who all have dark skin and large noses, and the women all wear stereotypical sexualized ~exotic~ belly dancer outfits. they make uncomfortably sexual shouts when link kills them. it's not good. the gerudo appear multiple times in the series and none of them are done well. the gerudo are a race of all women, with one man being born every 100 years and automatically becoming king, and this lore is often written in a very transmisogynistic way, especially in one of the later games, breath of the wild. basically, the racism, misogyny, and occasional transmisogyny cannot be ignored when talking about the gerudo and ocarina of time. okay back to plot.

it has been a long, long, long, long, long time since vaati and the four sword. since then, there has been a bloody civil war. ten years after it ends, we open on our hero....

deep in hyrule forest lives a race of forest spirits called the kokiri. they are eternal children, gifted immortality but unable to age or leave the forest, and are watched over by the great deku tree, a forest deity in the shape of a giant tree. each kokiri has a guardian fairy who watches over them- except for one. ten year old link (thank you hylia for traumatizing children) lives in kokiri forest and he is the only boy without a fairy :( it's just him and his bestie saria, and he faces relentless bullying from mido. one night, he has a horrible nightmare of a man on horseback chasing a woman and girl and is woken up by a... fairy! link has a fairy now! her name is navi and she tells link that he's being summoned by the great deku tree. after some harassment via mido and grabbing a sword and shield, the two of them are off. they meet up with the tree and his killer mustache only to learn that the deku tree has been cured by a wicked man in black armor (who totally isn’t our main villain /s). link goes inside the tree to break the curse, which took the form of a giant spider, but it was too late. the deku tree died, but not after giving link the spiritual stone of the forest: the kokiri emerald. he tells link the stone is magic and he has to bring it to hyrule castle and the princess asap. so link books it, apparently forgetting the kokiri die when they leave the forest but whatever. he's stopped by saria who also seems to have forgotten he will DIE if he leaves the forest, and she tells him she always knew he was different from the rest of them and destined to leave. ouch. she gives him her ocarina and tells him to remember her, because they'd always be best friends, no matter what

:*(

so link leaves and finds his way to castle town where he then sneaks into the castle and finds.... the girl from his dream! uh oh! that's princess zelda, who told him she had a dream of a child from the forest with a shining stone and a fairy who came to her to help her banish the dark clouds over hyrule. she thinks ganondorf, the gerudo king, is what the dark clouds represent, and her and link go snooping. turns out that... it's the man from his dream! shit! that's not good!

zelda tells him that ganon plans to steal the triforce, and bc no one else believes her it is up to her and link to stop him. she tells him there are 4 things ganon needs to unlock the entrance to the sacred realm: the three spiritual stones (kokiri emerald, zora sapphire, and goron ruby) and the ocarina of time (game title shout out!!!). zelda has the ocarina hidden, so link just has to grab the rest of the stones. link sets out, but not before impa (the woman from the dream. this is a lot of dream people. also, a second impa! cool! ) tells him 'zelda's lullaby', which he can play on saria's ocarina when proof of his connection to the royal family is needed.

link goes to see the gorons and the zora; he befriends goron chief durania, becoming his brother in arms, and gets the ruby, then saves princess ruto of the zora, who proposes and gives him the sapphire. link runs back to zelda- uh oh! zelda and impa are being chased by ganon on horseback! just like the DrEaM!!!

Ganon spots link, knocks him around a bit bc who doesn't love attacking children, zelda tosses the ocarina of time to him, and link books it to the temple of time to unlock the sacred realm. he does so and what does he find? the master sword! i told ya not to forget it! so, sacred realm open, he pulls the sword, and wakes up 7 years in the future. ganon stole the triforce while he was gone, but bc ganon's soul was unbalanced the triforce split into it's three parts; ganon kept the triforce of power, zelda the triforce of wisdom, and link the triforce of courage. in 99.9 percent of the games, if the triforce is there, it's broken up between them in that way. SO ANYWAYS, zelda is mia and now link is a grown-up. guess he's not really a kokiri then. weirdest way to find you're adopted, right? so link is an adult now and the world has ended, but while he's sitting there like 'wtf do i do now?' out of the shadows, comes the world's coolest most transgender ninja, sheik. sheik is a sheikah (who would have guessed?) a race of secretive shadow people who have been protecting the hyrule royal family since impa #1 in skyward sword. so sheik is like 'yo dude, life fuckin SUCKS rn, but you are the hero of time and it is your duty to save hyrule!'

so sheik follows link around, giving him advice, helping him, etc etc, they're buds. sheik tells him to save the six sages: the light sage, rauru, the sage of fire, durania (remember him?), the sage of water, ruto (remember her??) the sage of shadow, impa (remember her???), the sage of spirit, naburoo, a gerudo warrior who we meet through a rather confusing bit of time travel, and the sage of forest, saria! REMEMBER HER?!?!?!

so now link has the sages, which gives him the power to go and kill ganon. he's gearing up to go stab him when sheik pops up.

'hi link!' they say. 'so you know how i said i was sheikah? i lied! i'm actually princess zelda, the seventh sage!'

link is like, holy shit my bestie is not, in fact, a ninja but instead royalty! and almost as soon as he says that, ganon shows up and gives this monologue that’s basically just, 'i knew the princess would show herself if i watched you long enough. guess i was right!' and kidnaps sheik/zelda. link goes off after him, they fight. link wins! ganon turns into a giant evil pig! link wins!! zelda and the sages are saved. zelda tells him that she's sorry that he lost his childhood to this, so with the ocarina of time she sends him back 7 years. Back at the start of the game, link tells the king what he knows, ganondorf is arrested before he can take over the world, and life is good (is it tho? is it really?). navi, link's beloved fairy, vanishes, and his heart is broken. story ends w a deeply traumatized child, the end.

but is it the end? is it? is it really? no, no it is not <3 when link did all that time travel he caused a three way timeline split: the child timeline, the adult timeline, and the defeated timeline. it gets even more complicated from here, buckle up!

CHILD TIMELINE

the timeline here starts when adult link returns to the begging of oot to get ganon arrested. hyrule is saved before it can be taken over, and link is 10 again with a shit load of trauma and no therapist <3

Majora's Mask

considered the darkest zelda game out there, and so stressful that i have never actually played it and just watched lets plays, majora's mask takes place immediately after ocarina of time. like 3 days after. link is a depressed and traumatized ten years old having had to spend the past few months as a fully developed 17 year old (or as developed as a teen can get), which is fucking with his sense of self, on top of that, navi has disappeared. he decides he's going to find her, takes the ocarina of time and this horse, epona, and goes off into the world to find his fairy.

While he’s riding through the woods his horse is spooked by two fairies: tatl and tael, who are siblings and work with skull kid. Link is thrown off the horse and knocked out for a bit. Out of the shadows comes said skull kid— skull kids are a race of mischievous child spirits from the forest, but this particular skull kid has an attitude. He begins going through link’s stuff, intending to rob him. One notable feature of skull kid is his mask; he has this really creepy mask he wears called the majora’s mask (name drop!!). The mask is actually magic! It houses the spirit majora, a evil spirit hellbent on destruction that was sealed in there by a tribe of evil sorcerers. By wearing it, skull kid has been given magic powers but has also become steadily corrupted. By the end of the game he isn’t even a conscious person anymore, just a vessel for majora. Basically, he was a little shit throughout the game but it wasn’t really his fault.

So anyways, link is knocked out and skull kid is going through his stuff. He finds the ocarina of time and begins messing with it when link wakes up; link tries to grab it but skull kid steals his horse and books it. Link takes off in pursuit. they end up meeting up underground in front of a giant door; skull kid tells link he disposed of epona ( D: ) and makes fun of him when link is obviously upset, and then turns link into a deku sprout, a small wooden plant creature. skull kid bolts, but tatl gets left behind. she and link go through the door, which they find out lead underneath clock town, the capital of termina, the country link has found himself in. there, they meet a very creepy man w a very large backpack: the happy mask salesman, who hits them with one of the game's iconic quotes 'you've met with a terrible fate, haven't you?'

the salesman tells link that skull kid stole the mask from him and that if link got it back for him he would show him how to turn back to normal, but that link only had three days. he was leaving in three days, he needed it back in three days. okay we've established how important the three days are, and thats bc skull kid is going to make the FUCKING MOON fall and destroy termina in three days <3 so link is on a race against time to stop him.

link does not manage to stop him. he gets to the top of the clock tower where skull kid is and recovers his ocarina, but he's unable to stop majora. tael (remember him?) tells them to find the four giants. only they can stop majora. link plays the song of time, which turns back time. he's able to turn himself back into a human with the song of healing, which heals souls, turning the spirit of the deku scrub inside him into a mask he can use to turn into one at will.

determined to save termina, link goes to find all four giants, saving townsfolk and completing sidequests along the way. as he helps people he gains masks, which help him in different ways with their magic. he heals the souls of two other people, a zora named mikau, which gives him the zora mask, allowing him to turn into a zora, and a goron named darmani, which gets him a mask that... lets him turn into a goron. he finds his horse and fights some baddies. the giants are freed. on the final three day cycle he goes to the top of the clock tower to face majora. majora flees to the inside of the moon when the giants stop it from falling and link follows. he finds a field filled with a handful of children playing. through playing with them, he eventually gains the fierce deity mask, which houses the soul of a war god. with it, ke kills majora, fixes the moon, frees skull kid, and saves the day.

he wanders into the distance, and no one ever hears from link again-- alive.

(the fierce deity (right) and majora (left), drawn by cynthia leman @ https://cynthia_leman.artstation.com/)

Twilight Princess

We're back in hyrule! bye bye termina! it's been a while since oot and hyule is at peace. nowhere is it more peaceful than ordon village. there lives a teen named link who works with the goat ranch, babysits the local children, Beth, Malo, Talo, and Colin (his favorite (shh dont tell anyone)) enjoys fishing, slingshots, and the occasional spar with his friends. life is good and everything is perfect <3

one night, his father figure rusl asks him to deliver a sword to castle town. link agrees, and the next day as he's getting ready the children of the village noticed a monkey and chase after it. link follows, bc he is the resident baby sitter and has to keep the kids safe. he finds the kids being attacked by monsters-- a sign that the peace in hyrule is starting to fade. he goes and does his goat job with his horsie epona and him, colin, and his bestie ilia chill at a spring afterwords. all is well until....... MONSTERS! they attack, kidnap colin and ilia, and when link persues he finds a giant wall of black magic. he is pulled in by a shadow beast, who tries to kill him, only for his hand to glow, beating off the beast with holy power. it's the..... triforce of courage!! link has it!! anways, the world he is in now is covered with a magic called twilight that reduces life forms from the light realm, like link, into shadows of themselves/ghosts/etc. but bc of the triforce, link just turns into a wolf. he's a dirty furry.

link wakes up in a cell in castle town, close to the hyrule castle, and a very mean twilight imp named midna promises to help him escape and free his friends if he helps her in return.

(our beloved furry boy and his mean imp friend)

midna helps link escape and leads him into the castle where he meets princess zelda. zelda explains that hyrule has been invaded by zant, the usurper king of the twilight realm, who promised to let her people live if she surrendered hyrule to him. knowing her army was no match for the twlight one and desperate to protect her people, she surrenders, becoming a prisoner in her own castle forced to watch her kingdom succumb to the twilight magic and its effects.

midna helps link return to the world of light, or the area of hyrule not yet invaded by twilight magic and twilight monsters, and tells him he has to get her a sword and shield so she can start her quest. they go to ordon, link still trapped in wolf form, and go hunting for swords and sheilds. before he can leave, he finds Ordona, the spirit of the ordon region and one of the four light spirits that watch over hyrule. ordona begs him to free the light spirits corrupted by the twilight and says that only he can defeat zant and bring back the light. bc ya know. triforce. link finds and frees faron, a second spirit, and she transforms him back into a human, telling him he holds the spirit of the hero and was chosen by the gods, making him the one most qualified to save the world. lots of people r telling link to save the world. i think he gets the hint guys.

midna tells link that they need the fused shadows, a form of very dark, very dangerous twilight magic, to kill zant. gee, you might ask, midna, why are you helping? you're not very nice, you don't like the light world, you talk abt how much better twilight is-- why are you invested? why do you have zant? what's in it for you? Those are all very good questions but we aren't there yet!

so midna and link go and find the fused shadows. they make a pit stop in kakariko village, and find the kiddos from ordon, including colin! he's safe!! that's one friend found, one to go. link gets a shadow, then goes to castle town in search of clues for the next shadow, and finds ilia instead! wooh!! all our friends are back!! she's got no memory but w/e that gets fixed eventually. link saves the zora and gets another shadow, and in the process meets the spirit lanayru, the final light spirit.

lanayru tells link abt the interlopers, a tribe of shadow people with powerful magic that tried to invade and control the sacred realm. the goddessses sealed them away from the world of light, which became the twilight realm, and took their magic to make the fused shadows. she warns link of how addicting the shadows are, and link and midna finally have what they need.

midna and link set out to find zant, but he finds them first. he steals the shadows (uh oh), critically injures midna ( Uh Oh) and curses link with a shadow crystal that will permanently turn him into a wolf (UH OH). midna is literally dying, and link is panicing. knowing that zelda knows strong light magic, he runs to the castle in hopes the princess can save midna and break the curse. zelda cannot break the curse, even with the triforce of wisdom-- it is too dark, and only the master sword (!!!) which repels all evil will be able to purge the twilight from his body. she then gives up her spirit to midna, saving midna but losing her soul in the process. zelda really just died to save her. honey that's gay.

link and midna find the master sword, saving link and allowing him to transform at will like the furry he is. they need to track zant down for a rematch, but link doesnt know where to go. thankfully, midna does! she tells him of the mirror of twilight, which is used to go between the light realm and the twilight realm, and which zant used to reach hyrule. she him that the power he has been using is diffrent than twilight magic, something she's never seen before. how does she know what twilight magic looks like? how does she know what zant's magic looks like?

midna tells link that is the princess of the twilight realm-- the twilight princess, you could say (name drop!!). she is the rightful holder of the crown of the twilight realm and holds claim to a great amount of hereditary twilight magic, but zant wanted the throne. he thought he deserved it, and was bitter that she gained it instead of him. he cursed her into her imp from with strange new magic he had gotten from his 'master'. ill let you guess who that is. hint: his name starts with a g and ends in orf.

they go to where the mirror is and find it shattered into four pieces by zant. there they also find the ghosts of the ancient sages, who tell minda that zants power is coming from ganondorf. wow who would have guessed!

back in oot, when link told the king what ganondorf was planning and ganon was arrested, he was ordered to be put to death. his execution was carried out by these sages, but what they didn't know was that ganon held the triforce of power. with its magic he broke free and began killing the sages. desperate, they opened the mirror to the twilight realm and shoved ganon in, closing it behind him. for this current link, it has been ages since the hero of time. for ganon, it has been weeks. Now link and midna have bigger fish to fry than zant: they need to get the mirror pieces, get to the twilight realm, and kill ganon.

speaking of oot link! remember how i mentioned no one ever saw him again, alive? that's bc someone saw him while he was dead! through his adventure, this current link was being tutored by the hero's shade, the ghost of a mighty adventurer who teaches him how to fight and be courageous. this shade was oot link! he was appearing to tp link not only bc he was a hero chosen by the gods, but also because he was a descendent of oot link! somewhere during his lifetime post-termina, oot link got it on and centuries later tp link popped out. family reunion w grandpa and great-great-great-great grandson <3

okay back to the adventure plot. link and midna get the shards after a lot of shenanigans, including an entire dungeon based on making soup for a yeti, and they are ready to fight! they go to zant's castle in th twilight realm and midna fuckin explodes him with the fused shadow, then they turn around and go to hyrule castle to kill ganon. there they do not find ganon, but they do find zelda's corpse :D ganon possesses her and they fight. link wins, zelda's alive again, and he beats the shit outta ganon with they help of some light arrows. the world is saved and midna's curse is broken. she returns to the twilight realm and smashes the mirror, keeping any further contact severed.

DOWNFALL TIMELINE

so we remember ocarina of time link, right? cute little ten year old, has a fairy, was horribly traumatized over two adventures, whose life sucked in general?

yeah he's dead. fuckin dead.

the downfall timeline is one of the three timeline splits caused by oot. we just finished the child timeline, and this timeline happens when link fails to kill ganon. after ganon takes the triforce, when link is 17, he kills link in the final battle. the world falls into ruin. the apocalypse occurs. everything sucks and poor link is fucking dead.

having killed link, ganon is able to steal the triforce of courage, and with that and the triforce of power, takes the triforce of wisdom from zelda. he has the entire triforce, making him nearly invincible and holding ultimate, unlimited power. in a final act of desperation, zelda and the six sages seal him in the sacred realm, destroying it in the process. this holy place of dwelling for the gods becomes corrupted, becoming the dark world.

For a moment, there was peace. with ganon gone, the land of hyrule began to rebuild. but it did not last long and the imprisoning wars began. having heard of the triforce's dwelling place in the sacred realm, hundreds flocked to the sacred realm, trying to steal the holy power for themselves. people came in, demons and monsters came out, and no one ever returned. the sages decided to destroy the entrance to the sacred realm instead of just sealing it, cutting hyrule off entirely from the holy triforce, causing increasing ruin to the land. Hyrule was in shambles, impoverished and broken, and many, many years passed with the memory of a prosperous hyrule being left to time.

A Link To The Past

it is raining. storming, actually, pouring in the middle of the night with thunder shaking the earth. link, a young boy (with pink hair <3) is woken from his dreams by a strange voice. It's a girl, around his age, who says her name is princess zelda and that the wizard agahnim had imprisoned her below the castle. He's kidnapped the seven sages, a group of holy women, and now planned to take her too, hoping to break open the doors to the sacred realm and break the seal on ganon so they could rule both the light and dark world's together.

link knew he had to help. despite the late hour, his beloved uncle is putting his cloak on. he tells link that he would be back shortly and to go back to sleep.

link does not go back to sleep. armed with nothing but his wits and a lantern, link found his way to the castle dungeon, stumbling over his dying uncle. the man gives him his sword and shield before passing away. link is completely on his own. he frees the princess and takes her to a holy sanctuary, and goes out to find the pendants of virtue so that he might draw the master sword (!!!) and defeat agahnim. he does so, and rushes to defeat the wizard, only to see he has found zelda. link watches in horror as he sends her to the dark word; link defeats agahnim, but with the last of his strength the wizard sends out a mind-warping curse to convince all of hyrule that it was link who harmed zelda, and throws link into the dark world....

....where he turns into a bunny.

(seriously. that's link the pink bunny)

Link finds a magic mirror that lets him leave the dark world at will to rescue the sages, but can only stay human with the help of his moon pearl. Link finds agahnim was just a vessel for ganon, and the two fight. link wins! yey!! He finds the triforce among ganon's dead corpse (i guess?) and uses it to wish hyrule into prosperity again. he returns it to the royal family, and we go to...

Link's Awakening

post alttp, link has decided he needs a vacation. While sailing, his boat is ripped apart by a hurricane and he wakes up on the beaches of Koholint, a tropical island that's like something out of a dream. link meets Marin, and the two become fast friends. it's implied that it might be a bit more than that, but regardless they are very, very close. marin is a beautiful singer and teaches link all about the island she tells him that she dreams of turning into seagull and flying away to be free from koholint.

link learns the only way to leave koholint is to collect the instruments of the sirens and wake the wind fish, a mystical creature that slept in an egg ontop of the tallest mountain. link does so, but learns that the island and everything in it, including marin, was just the fish's dream, and that by waking it the island will fade away. link wakes the fish and wakes up in his wrecked ship, all alone.

Oracle of Ages and Oracle of Seasons

Link's back! And so is ganon! Twinrova, two witches that raised ganon, decide they want their baby back. For this they need three flames to be lit: The Flame of Destruction, the Flame of Sorrow, and the Flame of Despair, and follow these with a human sacrifice. Fun!! In order to obtain these flames, the witches sent General Onox to Holodrum and Veran, to Labrynna, two countries near hyrule. One day, when Link visited Hyrule Castle, the Triforce beckoned him into its chamber. Remember, link saved the triforce so it's just chillin now. Once he placed his hands on the Triforce, bc i guess he has triforce touching privliges after saving it, it transported him to the distant land of Holodrum. That's a stupid fucking name but w/e.

Upon awakening in Holodrum, Link finds some road side performers and a dancer, Din. Which is suspiciously close to the name of the goddess Din, buuuut nintendo never goes anywhere with that. Link danced with Din, but then a whirlwind appeared and snatched Din away! i feel like we've seen 'important girl being snatched by storm' before but w/e. Din was actually the Oracle of Seasons, which isn't really explained BUT it means that with her gone, the seasons in Holodrum are thrown into chaos. The only way to restore balance to the seasons was to collect the eight Essences of Nature scattered around Holodrum. Link gets the rod of seasons, which manipulates the seasons (obviously) and gets what he needs. He defetes Onox and rescues Din, and then in transported to Labrynna! But uh oh, the Flame of Destruction is still lit.

So link's in labrynna now. He finds impa, and is like 'holy shit! impa! long time no see!' and they team up. they find nayru (more goddess name!?!) and impa turns into a shadow and possesses Nayru. turns out she was an illusion from Veran. Veran uses nayru's time travel abilities to go back in time and influence the queen to build the black tower. Link uese the Harp of Ages to travel back and forth between the present and the past in order to collect the eight Essences of Time and challenge Veran atop the black towner. he kills her, but the Flame of Sorrow had been lit.

In order to light the third and final flame, and also have their human sacrifice, twinrova kidnapped zelda who had arrived in Labrynna. This would complete their dark ritual and light the Flame of Despair. but link beats the shit outta then, and as a last-ditch effort to complete the sacrifice, they give their bodies to ganon. but unfortunatly for them, because the ritual was incomplete, Ganon returned as a mindless beast and not their beloved lil boy. Link beats the shit outta ganon and seals him away (why are we sealing and not killing??), restoring peace to Holodrum and Labrynna

the end!

The Triforce Separates

oh noooo, more triforce problems. @ the gods did you ever consider that maybe the triforce was a bad idea? so after link's adventures in holodrum and labrynna, the triforce is split apart, which it is like 90% of the time at this point. ganon, despite being sealed away, still has the triforce of power. the triforce of courage's location is unknown, but most likely link hid it bc he's sick and tired of triforce shenanigans

A Link Between Worlds

so we are finally, finally dealing w a new time. centuries have passed, the triforce of courage is still missing, and link is sleeping in. he is a blacksmith apprentice, and the son of the blacksmith he works for drags him outta bed. link is told to deliver a sword to the captain of the guard, and finds him in the sanctuary-- dead. the keeper of the sanctuary, Seres, turns out to be a sage (we have a lot of sages in this series okay) and is turned into a painting by the sorcerer Yuga. link gets the shit beat out of him and wakes up in his house. he has been saved by ravio, a merchant who always hides his face and is also a lil shit. he rents link items in exchange for letting him crash on the couch, and also gives him a strange bracelet as thanks.

link goes and tells princess zelda and her friend impa abt seres. she gives link a charm, which turns out to be one of the three he needs to unlock the master sword (!!!!!!!!!). yuga captures the rest of the sages and zelda, turning them to paintings, and when link gets too close to winning, turns him into one too! the bracelet that ravio gave him began to glow and pulled link out of the wall. he can now turn into a painting at will. Link goes to confront yuga in a final battle.

turns out, yuga is from lorule, a parallel universe similar to the dark world. he frees ganon but cannot control him, turning into a beast. the princess of lorule, hilda, holds him back and tells link to save the sages, who have been sent to lorule. in doing so, link awakens the triforce of courage. he returns to confront ganon and learns that hilda was behind it the whole time!! the leaders of her land destroyed their triforce, hoping to stop the wars it caused, but only ended up destroying the kingdom in the process. hilda hoped to steal the hyrulian triforce to replace their own. right before she can attack, ravio appears! he was the hero counterpart of lorule, just like link was to hyrule, but knew he could never beat yuga, instead going to hyrule to find a hero who could, link. he talks hylia down and the day is saved without violence. link and zelda wish on their triforce for lorule's triforce to be restored, and everyone lives happily ever after.

Triforce Heros

Fashion break! This game is silly and cute and I love it.

(they're so fucking cute i cant handle it)

Link leaves the hyrule and books it to hytopia for a vacation. There he is recruited by the witch-hunting brigade to defeat the evil witch lady maud. The witch had cursed princess styla into wearing an irremovable brown jumpsuit. it is very ugly, and in fashion-forward hytopia, that is a fate worse than death.

Link teams up with two other heros, blue and red, that look just like him to gather the pieces of the lady's ensemble. they defeat maud and the witch's younger sister, madame mouture, assembles the outfit, which frees styla. yey!! back to real games

The Golden Era and Era of Decline

*mr incredible voice* can the triforce not cause problems for TEN MINUTES???

following the recovery of the triforce in albw, hyrule enters the Golden Era. For a very long time, the hyrule flourishes.

the triforce is passed down from ruler to ruler, but the last such king, doubting his son's worthiness, hides the triforce of courage and, upon his death, casts a spell on hyrule such that a the triforce will only appear on day on a boy worthy of weilding it. the king tells zelda where it is, then dies.

the unworthy prince ascends to the throne. he only has the triforce of wisdom and power and desperately wants the full thing, so he questions zelda on where courage is. when she refuses to reveal her father's secret, the prince puts her under a spell of eternal sleep.f illed with regret, the new King places the princess on the altar in a far away castle.

the prince governs hyrule to the best of his ability, but without the power of the full triforce the kingdom falls into ruin. the life withers away, monsters become worse, it's a fucking mess. . The triforce of power and the triforce of wisdom continue to be passed down within the royal family. The existence of the triforce of courage is all but forgotten.

The Legend of Zelda (yes, THE legend of zelda. the first ever one <3)

Many, many years later, ganon has been freed. leading an army of monsters, he attacks the hyrulian royal family, led by princess zelda, a descendent of the sleepy time zelda, and takes the trifoce of power. knowing the destruction that will come if he gains more of the triforce, she splits the triforce of wisdom into pieces and scatters them through hyrule. zelda sends her nursemaid impa to find someone with the courage to defeat ganon, but impa is attacked after leaving the castle, only to be saved by a young child: link.

seeing true courage in him, impa tells him of the triforce and asks him to save hyrule, despite him being like. ten. hylia starts them young. Link collects the pieces of the triforce of wisdom from the eight dungons across the hyrule and then confronts ganon in death mountain. with the triforce of wisdom, the magical sword, and silver arrows he defeats ganon, and zelda declares link the hero of hyrule

The Adventure of Link

it's been a few years, and link is now 16. ganon is dead, but his monsters and followers remain. the follows in particular are a problem for link-- if they manage to get a hold of his blood and spill it on ganon's ashes, they can complete a spell that will resurrect ganon. link is on the run. life sucks. on his sixteenth birthday, a glowing golden triangle appears on link's hand (wow i wonder what that could be!?!?!). link goes to impa and zelda in hopes they knew what it is. impa uses him (literally. like sticks his body on the door) to open the chamber where the old zelda has been sleeping all these years. it's been like 100 years, i think??

impa tells link about the breaking of the triforce, the hiding of the triforce of courage, and zelda's curse. she entrusts him with six crystals and an ancient scroll written by the king who had hidden the triforce of courage all those years ago. link learns from reading the scroll that the triangle on his hand is the result of a spell cast by the king, marking him as worthy of the triforce of courage. now he just has to find it. the scroll indicates that the triforce of courage is located in the great palace. which is. a great palace. to enter Link must go to each of the six palaces in Hyrule, defeat the guardian defending it, and set one of the crystals in the heads of each of the statues located in the palaces. Impa gives link the triforces of power and wisdom, and tells him that by uniting the three pieces of the triforce, he can undo the spell cast on the sleeping zelda, and, most importantly, return prosperity to hyrule. a full triforce again willrestore the land.

link does what was told of him and, in a final trial at the great palace, defeats his own shadow, dark link, to obtain the triforce of courage.

link is now the only link ever who has held the full triforce, making him the strongest of the links. link returns to hyrule castle. The three pieces of the triforce unite before the altar and he sleeping zelda awakens. with the connected triforce, peace is returned to hyrule.

(link with the full triforce)

Aaaaand we're done with the downfall timeline! One more timeline left!

ADULT TIMELINE

in the adult timeline, we are once again back to oot. remember how link left the hyrule were he was 17 to return to the beginning of the game to stop ganon? well, that world didn't disappear when link left. it continued to heal and eventually prosper with ganon defeated. but slowly, in the years after oot, ganon had been building his strength. he attacked and the people of hyrule waited in desperation for the hero of time to appear-- but he never did. he was too busy in termina. so ganon took control of the world. the people prayed to the goddesses to save them, and in order to prevent ganon's conquest, the gods flooded hyrule, creating a vast sea, the Great Sea, and destroying everything in the process. hyrule was safe from ganon, but drowned below the waves. the triforce of wisdom was split into two, one piece staying with the king of hyrule, who drowned, and the other with princess zelda who barely escaped, and she passed it down throughout her family line. the triforce of courage vanished, and the kingdom of hyrule was forgotten over time, but the people of the islands of the great sea still remembered the barest of bones of the myths of that hyrule. they gifted their children with green clothes like the hero of time when they turned 12 in hopes it would remind them to be courageous always. and this is where out next story begins......

(art from the prologue of wind waker telling the story of the downfall of hyrule)

Wind Waker

link is having a nap on the watch tower of his island home. it is a special day: his birthday! His 12th birthday in fact! His grandma gifts him green clothes and his little sister, aryll, gives him her precious telescope as a gift. life is good until they see a giant fucking bird in the sky. i mean GIANT. plane giant. it's carrying away a young girl!! and being followed by a pirate ship! the ship manages to hit the bird, the helmaroc king, with a canonball, but that just makes the bird drop the girl somewhere into the forests of the island. Link grabs a sword and takes off for the forest, determined to save her.

the girl's name is tetra, and she's a pirate captain who did not need help, thank you very much!!! she and link start walking back to the mainland but are stopped by aryll on the way. link watches in horror as the helmaroc king snatches up his little sister, thinking she was tetra, and flies away.

link demands the pirates take him to save her, and they laugh in his face, only to get shamed by quill, a rito mailman. girls with goldren hair and long ears have been being kidnapped, and despite not looking like that, aryll was taken-- because the bird got her confused with tetra. so the kidnapping was her fault and the least she could do was help link save her. begrudgingly, tetra agrees and takes link to the forbidden fortress where the bird has taken up shop. link sneaks through the fortress and finds his sister, but before he can free her the bird snatches him up and takes him to its master- GANONDOF!!11! he has freed himself from the watery grave of hyrule and is now searching for the triforce that he might resurrect hyrule and take back the kingdom and the great sea. he orders the bird to throw link into the ocean to drown.

link gets chucked into the open sea, but does not drown! yey!! instead he's saved by a talking boat, the king of red lions.

the boat gives link the wind waker (title shout out!!), a baton (like w an orchestra) that can control the winds, and tells him that he can only defeat ganon with the master sword (!!!!). link needs three goddess pearls to access the tower of the gods, which will test if link is worthy to wield it. the first is din's pearl, which is with the dragon spirit valoo at dragon roost island, the home of the rito. the problem is, valoo has gone off the walls and is destroying everything. the rito prince komali has the peal but is terrified of valoo and refuses to give it to link unless he can prove he is worthy of it. link sets off to calm valoo alongside medli, valoo's attendant. together they stop the monster that has been harassing valoo and link receives the pearl.

next link and boat set off for forest haven, where we meet....... the deku tree!! or a descendent of the deku tree from oot. there we meet the koroks too! they are the descendants of the kokiri, and they are adorable.

the koroks say they will give him the peal after a ceremony they need to perform. but oh no, one of the koroks with an important part is missing! makar has gotten stuck in the forbidden woods and link has to find him. he does, returns him home safely, and gets the pearl.

next is great fish isle where the ocean spirit jabun, but when link + boat arrive the island has been destroyed and jabun is missing. ganon beat them there.

quill tells him that jabun has gone into hiding in a sealed cave near link's home, bc apparently postmen know everything. link learns that the pirates know of jabun's location, and are planning to take the pearl, thinking it was some kind of treasure. tetra buys link some time to get to the island and link manages to bomb his way in where he meets jabun. he gets the last peal and enters the tower of the gods. there he proves his worthiness and gets the master sword (!!!!)

he returns to the forbidden fortress, frees aryll, kills the giant bird, and confronts ganon. But the magic has left the sword, and it cannot defeat ganon. ganon attacks link, bc apparently a grown man is cool w murdering a 12 year old, but is stopped by valoo and tetra, who have come to save the day. Ganon grabs tetra and the triforce of power he holds begins to freak out-- it knows another triforce is close. Tetra is the descendant of princess zelda and holds the triforce of wisdom. valoo sets ganon's hideout on fire before he can hurt tetra and link and tetra flee.

Boat takes the two kids back to the tower of the gods where a portal has opened up to a castle beneath the waves-- hyrule castle. boat appears in the form of a man: he was the king of hyrule who took half of the triforce of wisdom. with tetra and his pieces she transforms into princess zelda (in which her skin is lightened bc nintendo cant get through one game w/o being racist) and told she has to remain below the sea for her own safety.

ganon killed the two sages who had been keeping the master sword powerful, back before the word got flooded. link + boat need to find their reincarnations in order to fix the master sword. thankfully, we've already met them! link gets makar and medli, they remember their past lives, and the master sword is fixed. link gets the hidden pieces of the triforce of courage and is officially ready to beat ganon's ass.

tetra was taken by ganon and link follows after, eventually fighting him with the help of tetra and some light arrows. Ganon assembles the full triforce, stealing wisdom and courage from the kids, and is ready to wish for hyrule to return so he may control it. however, boat is back as a man and gets to the triforce first, wishing that hyrule stay submerged and a new world might emerge from the ocean, promising prosperity for a new generation. ganon flips shit and attacks some 12 year olds. link finally beats him, stabbing him in the head with the master sword. link and tetra are returned to the surface as boat drowns and the world slowly begins anew.

Phantom Hourglass

Link is a pirate now! He's been traveling with tetra and doing fun pirate things. They are now searching for the ghost ship, and when they find it tetra tried to jump into it, only to violently disappear. Link tries to follow but is thrown overboard.

he wakes on an island and is nursed to health by the fairy ciela, who has amnesia, an old man named oshus. they agree to help link find tetra, and they enlist the help of the reluctant sailor linebeck and his ship after saving him from the temple of the ocean king. link discovers to get to the ghost ship they have to find the spirits of courage, wisdom, and power. they use items found in the temple of the ocean king, but things are getting increasingly dangerous. to overcome the evil forces in the temple, link must use the Sands of Hours within the phantom hourglass (name drop!!). however, using the sands slowly drains his life force (AHH) so he must utilize other creatures around the islands to prevent his life force from being drained. with the hourglass, link is able to locate the spirits of wisdom and power easily, but not the spirit of courge. They find out that spirit looks exactly like ciela. oshus explains that ciela is actually the spirit of courage and she lost her memory when the demon bellum attacked her. He also reveals that he is the ocean king. oshus further explains that he and ciela had to take their present forms to hide from the life-eating monster Bellum, who is the cause of the ghost ship and other evil in the local area, and has taken residence at the very depths of the temple. Link succeeds in his attempt to rescue tetra with the help of the three Spirits, but finds tetra is now a statue, a further effect of bellum's life-draining power.

link continues, with linebeck only agreeing after being promised by oshus that he would grant linebeck one wish with his fish god powers. link learns that the only way to defeat Bellum is to forge the phantom sword from three unique, pure metals around the local islands. after collecting the materials and forging the Phantom Sword, link descends to the bottom level of the temple, and initially appears to defeat Bellum. tetra is freed from the statue form and revived, but before the group can celebrate, Bellum reemerges from the ocean depths and takes Tetra again. ughhhh tetra pls. In the ensuing battle of the linebeck's ship and the ghost ship, linebeck's ship is lost, as well as oshus going missing, and link and tetra are captured. linebeck picks up the phantom sword and is able to free the two kids, at the cost of his own freedom, but is able to give link back the Phantom Sword before Bellum possesses Linebeck but link manages to kill bellum without harming linebeck.

the sand from the phantom hourglass is released into the sea. oshus, now in his true form of awhale, grants linebeck his ship back.tetra and link appear on the pirate ship, where it seems only ten minutes have passed for the rest of the crew and they insist that it was all a dream. BUT still possesses the now-empty hourglass, and spies linebeck's ship on the horizon, so we know the adventure is real.

Spirit Tracks

we're in the home stretch yall. the great sea is officially gone with land having risen from the sea over hundreds of years and creating a new continent and the newly established kingdom of new hyrule. this new land has new spirits, the spirits of good, who were responsable for sealing away a demon named malladus into the earth after a vicious war almost ripped new hyrule apart. malladus was shackled into the earth with train tracks called the spirit tracks (name drop!), which cover new hyrule. now we meet link!

link is an enginer, who meets princess zelda, a direct decentent of tetra, to be offically made a royal enginer. she asks him to meet her in private, as she is suspicious of the chancellor cole and trusts link to help her. link and zelda sneak out of the castle and meet up with alfonzo, link's mentor, who helps them steal a train and slip out to safety outside of castle town. However, the tracks disapear as they flee, causing the train to crash. They are stopped by cole and his right hand man, bryne (who i had a crush on as a kid)

bryne easily takes down alfonzo, despite alfonzo being one buff dude, and beats the shit outta link. loosing conciousness, link watches helplessly as bryne rips the soul out of zelda's body and takes the empty body with them. They send out demon trains, which disrupt the structure of the starting point of the spirit tracks, the tower of spirits, destroying the tacks.. cole and bryne leave, and link wakes up in the medical ward of the castle.

link finds that he can see zelda's spirit, but only he can. zelda gives him the spirit flute, a magical pan flute, and then asks link to take her to the tower of spirits to find out why the tracks disappeared. buuut the tracks are gone, so the only way to get to the tower now is by an old tunnel in the back of the castle.

link and zelda get to the tower and they meet an old woman named Anjean who is a lokomo, a guardian of the tracks. anjean says the only way to restore the tracks is with the rail maps, which will give tracks for four of the five temples across the land. but to do so requires power, which they need to get in the tower. the tower was protected by phantoms, giant armored creaters, but with the corruption of the spirit tracks they have been turned hostile. turns out, zelda can possess them, allowing safe passage in the tower.

link and zelda restore the tracks and figure out the last thing that they need to do to prevent malladus from resurrecting is to lock him back under the altar at the top of the spirit tower. link and zelda climb the tower only to find bryne, who they fight and defeat, only for him to escape to the top of the tower. link and zelda follow, only to see malladus' reseurection completed. malladus possesses zelda's body and turns on bryne. cole and malladus escape on the demon train to the dark realm.

anjean tells the kids the final way to destroy malladus. link must go to the fifth temple and obtain the bow of light, which has the power to split the soul of one from their body. link gets the bow and anjean then gives link the lokomo sword. he and zelda get to the dark realm and board the demon train. zelda possesses some phantom armor and uses it to help Link in the next battle. they climb on top of the train to find cole and malladus. link and zelda eventually reach the front of the train and zelda grabs malladus, giving link the opportunity to shoot him with the bow of light.

malladus' spirit leaves from zelda's body, giving her a chance to retrieve it. she cant at first bc she has been separated from her body for so long, and malladus is about to come back and possess zelda's body when byrne shows up and stops him. she finally gets her body back, but byrne bites the dust. malladus takes Cole's body, then turns into a beast, and link and zelda team up against in, and link beats the shit out of him, killing him.

INTERMISSION

im taking this time to talk abt hyrule warriors! it's not canon, so i wont go into detail, but if you wanna know more, you can go here

THE GREAT CALAMITY

10,000 Years Ago

It has been a long, long time since the hero of time. We don't know what timeline the Great Calamity is, but it has been at LEAST 10,000 years. a long time. remember the sheikah? they have become a technologically and magically advanced society with the power to do great, unimaginable things. the hyrulian royal family learns that calamity ganon, a form of ganon so overwhelmed by demise's curse and a lust for power that it has become a creature outside of sentience made of nothing but malice, rage, and hatred, is growing power and will soon attack. they turn to the sheikah, who create an army of robots call guardians to fight alongside the hyrulian army, and four giant machine called divine beasts controlled by champions that are capable of extreme destruction to help destroy ganon. all of this would be led by a chosen hero who carries the master sword (!!!) and a princess born with a holy power. with all of this, the hero and the princess defeated ganon and sealed him away. for 10,000 there was peace. but the royal family was paranoid. they were scared of sheikah power. so they gave the sheikah a choice: give up their tech and way of life, or die. Half gave up their culture and went on to be humble farmers and servants of the family, and half stood their ground. furious, they aligned themselves with the only thing that hated hyrulians as much as they did... ganon. they became the yiga class and went underground, plotting and planning, waiting for the day when ganon would rise again.

Breath of the Wild

your name is link-- or at least you think it is. you wake up in a dark room hooked up to a glowing machine, and a woman's voice tells you your name is link and you have to wake up. you find a few pieces of dirty, rotting clothes and most importantly, a strange piece of tech called a sheikah slate. you find the exit of the cave you've been slumbering in and the woman calls you the light that will save hyrule. your name is link and you have lost your memory and have been asleep for the past one hundred years.

one hundred years ago, there was a princess named zelda. her father, the king, heard from a soothsayer that ganon was gathering power and that the power to destroy it had been buried by time, waiting to be discovered. they unearthed the divine beasts and called for champions to pilot them. vah ruta would be manned by the zora princess, mipha. vah rudania would be manned by the gonon warrior daruk. vah medo would be manned by the famed rito archer revali. and vah natorus would be manned by the gerudo chief, urbosa. link, having pulled the master sword (!!!) proving himself a worthy fighter, was given the role of the hero, leaving zelda to fill the role of the holy princess. the problem? she couldn't access her golden power.

link was assigned as zelda's personal body guard, and she resented him for how easy his life seemed to be, having already drawn the master sword. the resentment turned to hate, mostly stemming from zelda's own self loathing. for some reason, she couldnt harness her power. everyone around her was ready for ganon and she couldn't harness her birthright. eventually, after link saved her life from the yiga, her and link became close, close friends. things were going as well as they could be, until ganon awoke.

ganon was prepared. it remembered how the hylians defeated it the first time and was determined not to fail again. it possessed the guardians, turning them against the army, and then the divine beasts, slaughtering the champions inside. link and zelda were on the run, link gravely injured from protecting her until they were cornered by guardians. there was nowhere to run. Link prepared for his last stand, knowing he was going to die here, only for zelda to push him out of the way, shielding his body with her own. a golden light shown from her-- the golden power.

(link (left) being wounded and shit and zelda (right) being a BADASS)

She destroyed the guardians around them with it, but it was too late. link collapsed, dead. as zelda held him in her arms, the master sword spoke to her, telling her of the shrine of resurrection where she could place him, which would save his life and rob him of his memories. zelda sent soldiers to the shrine with link's body and went to face ganon alone, holding it in place in hyrule castle for 100 years while she waited for link to wake up.

sooo flashback over, link is awake. he goes to kakarko village where he meets impa, who tells him to free the souls of the champions so that they can regain control of the divine beasts. he does so, growing in strength as he does. he finds and draws the master sword, slowly recovering his memories over time. he fights and defeats the yiga, he saves villages and lives and then is ready to defeat ganon. he goes to hyrule castle and beats the shit outta it, and when it flees to hyrule field, follows. it turns into a massive pig, dark beast ganon, and with the bow of light, link defeats it. zelda seals it away with her power and the two are reunited. the end!

THATS ALL FOLKS!

while this isnt absolutely everything, it is most of it! i hope yall enjoyed, i had so much fun putting everything together xoxo

#long post #legend of zelda

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sprinklesandshatters · 3 years

Text

A Review on NCT 127′s 3rd Album <Sticker>

So NCT 127 just came back with their 3rd Full Album <Sticker> and this is my first 127 comeback since I became a fan last year! Neozone is such a special album for me as it was their first album that I explored entirely. I've known NCT as the group who never fails any expectations so I've kept mine up although I know they'll exceed it anyway. And guess what, they did! I absolutely love their new album hence this review~

This isn't a technical music review—as I am not a musician myself—but rather a listener's honest takes, goofy notes, and interpretation on each of the tracks in the album. I admit I've also struggled to build my own opinions on some of the tracks until I listened to them over and over again.

I have also heard there are mixed opinions on the title track <Sticker> and a lot says it's another acquired taste. But I think it's not just that, as it can be a grower, just like how most of NCT's songs were for me. Maybe after a few listens and a right passage of time, it will grow on those people. The bottom line here is, I like it a lot! 😛

So I listed down the songs according to their respective track numbers and followed each with a bulleted list of my opinions and interpretations.

(Viewer/reader discretion: before you continue, minors, do not interact as there are few 18+ contents under the cut. Thank you.)

1. Sticker

THEY DIDN'T JUST PUNCH A NEW NOTCH ON THE BELT LIKE THAT

THIS SONG SLAPS, LITERALLY SLAPS… AND WHIPS

The recorder at the intro boyyyy I thought something was wrong but then I remember it’s NCT lmao

It already stuck in my head from my first listen from the Instagram audio.

With Taeyong opening the verse with his divine rapping, I knew I'm in for a new ride.

STICK-UH STICK-UGH STICK-UGHGHGH

To those complaining it sounding like noise music, imagine it sounding generic. I don't think it would fit as the title track. Not a b-track or in their repertoire, even. They are called NCT because they define the NEO in the music culture and music technology!

It honestly was an unorthodox, just like all of their title tracks, which I’m inherently here for.

Literally, no one does it like them!

The growls and the vocal flexes and adlibs! (You can tell it has Yoo Youngjin's brand.)

The crisp metronome sound that’s consistently ticking except for the pre-chorus and the dance break adds depth to the soundscape. I love how it’s used instead of the usual snaps.

The production quality blew my mind. Like how can someone think those melodies would sound so exquisite? CAN I CALL THEM GENIUS?

The piano at the back, oh my God—Yes! It adds this mystifying element to the song.

I'm not sure if it's a midi violin at the pre-chorus, but it added thrill to the song. It was a great transition from the bass line in the verses to the combination of the flawless harmony with the same instrumental.

"You treat me like a boy, like a grown-up child chasing a dream" JUNGWOO BABY NO MORE HUH

Taeil, Doyoung, and Haechan—the bridge vocal trinity!

But why the heck are they cowboys? I dig the concept, but why? LMAO

BTW GUNSLINGER MARK I’M ON MY KNEES YEEHAW

This is easily one of my favorite tracks from NCT 127's entire discography 💚

2. Lemonade

(⌐■_■)

Jaehyun starting off this song with his deep voice eee

The song opens to a verse oozing with chill confidence. They're like, yeah you're lurking because we’re cool.

This is such a huge slap to their haters. NCT's not chillin' like a villain, nah they're the main characters!

Well maybe they’re villains, but still ya not cooler than them ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Funny enough how they could have just referred haters as simply lemons whose sour/bitter to the taste, but 127 squad's success is sweeter than all the haters' spiteful remarks so yeah, SIPPY SIPPY LEMONADE 🧃

"WOOF"

I might have just barked too wOW

Yuta’s vocals hooooO his voice just sounds so glamorous mhmm

Also Mark referencing their previous title tracks such as: Firetruck, Cherry Bomb, and Regular (it's Irregular in the lyrics) in his rap part 👌💅

I just love Mark's energy when he raps. HE RESOLUTELY BITES AND STRAIGHT UP EATS EVERY TIME HE DOES.

3. Breakfast

Now breakfast time, oh jeez!

AAAHAHFU—

Summer 127's bestie!

If Summer 127 talks about dancing all night long, Breakfast is the morning after.

You know what it is.

"Even if I gulp and drink you, it's not enough for me." oho Taeyong no you ha—STOP

Sexual innuendos aside, isn't it just sweet if someone tells you they'd want to have breakfast with you every day? Okay maybe I'm melting at the thought 😩🙈💞

And I can see myself dancing to this song as I make breakfast (in the afternoon or at midnight bc I’m crazy)

This was an okay b-track for me at the first skim on the album, but boy it grew on me wildly.

Honestly one of my favorite tracks in this album.

4. Focus

Did I just invade a private call? LMAO

The analog voice filters make it like so.

Dude, this feels intimate in the level of eavesdropping a phone call between seasoned lovers. Then you realize you hear them whispering their kinks over the line and you're ooh, that's sexy! hfgklhfhf

My first listen to this, I almost went feral because,

"I can't wait to eat you…" when it's actually "I can't wait 'til we chill…" aahaha

"Baby call me when you want me." OKAY!

This sounds relaxing and chill. I'd love to play this on a late night drive or just before bed time along with Fly Away With Me, Sun & Moon, My Youth, and Long Flight.

Belongs to ‘make out session’ playlist ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

That was lowkey a playlist recommendation, huh?

I'd be kidding if I don't say I could touch myself while listening to this song AHAHAFGHFJFJ

I didn't know this would grow on me this much lol I love love LOVE THIS!

5. The Rainy Night

Ooh, the holy melancholy!

Piano at the intro—I knew I'd cry to this.

This song isn't just about break-up, but the heartbreak after one.

The yearning; the remnant pieces from the shattering of what was once there.

I think I crumbled from this one.

This hit so hard I felt like I fit in the shoes with the lyrics throughout the entire song.

What’s fascinating is I clearly forgot the title when I mentally said this sounds like a sad rainy day song from the first listen.

Something I’d turn up when it suddenly rains, just because I want to feel the blues.

Taeil and Haechan singing in lower register? I wanna cry :( they’re just one of the best vocalists in K-music industry right now.

Could have been also nice if they added Yuta to the vocals.

"My selfish heart who waits for you to come back," OKAY WHO HURT THEM?

And the fact that they sang it so good that it translated every ounce of the emotions well even before I looked up for English translations is the reason why I love this song too.

6. Far

Hmm… What the hell?! Do I like this? Wait...

Alright!

The jumpy vibe from the first verse to the pre-chorus set the mood for this song. It sounds merry and heavy. It was honestly too much to take until I’ve reached the chorus part.

Honestly, I think this song could fit NCT Dream better, as it gives off a vibe similar to Hello Future's b-tracks. If some credible source say this could have made HF’s track list, I might believe you too fast.

Also Dream’s Deja Vu where they go na nananananana na na na~

Playful yet confident! That’s what I mean!

As usual, the vocals are insane! Vocal flex from left to right!

I swear Jungwoo sounded a bit like Taemin at the second verse that I had to replay it hahaha

I love hearing Johnny as a vocalist! SM, how many signs do you need until you utilize his vocal talent???

Taeil's part where he sings, "go nuts, go nuts, 'til we go bust, go bust" IDEK BUT I SNORTED A LAUGH AT FIRST LISTEN HFCAHKFHK

Not my favorite, but still great though!

But wait it’s actually stuck in my head???

7. Bring The Noize

Yes, they never beat those noise music allegations

HERE'S SOME NOIZE, BITCHES

I love me some noisy percussions. AND THE BASS YO

This screams so much confidence!

The build up from the pre-chorus to the chorus—FIRE!

This song reminds me a lot of SuperM's Super Car, especially with the engine roar samples and the battle cry-like singing at the chorus.

JAEHYUN RAPPING? You mean Jaehyun the visual, the vocalist, the actor, the model, the funny dude, aka my everything?! (markie bb look pls look away for a moment)

THEY DELIVERED IT STRAIGHT FROM NEOCITY THAT'S SOME NCT MUSIC RIGHT THERE NO ONE DOES IT LIKE THEM

When I said I'd play Focus on a late night drive, and if I add this in the playlist, VROOM VROOM SPEED LIMIT WHAT

OUTTA MY WAY

“We got no shame” ouh TAEYONG’S FLOW IS JUST VERY HIM AND HE’S IN A LEAGUE OF HIS OWN

You know what's so clever about this song? It's how it ended with Mark's final rap without any instrumental, leaving you standing there with a doppler effect-like post experience.

A super car on a super speed just whooshed past you and you look its way as it zips through the road. It's gone in an instant but you're floored dumbfounded at a sidewalk. That's how I describe this song.

8. Magic Carpet Ride

This song… Wow. Oh gosh it's so beautiful.

Their harmony in the chorus—it makes me want to kiss someone so passionately that I'd cry.

This makes me want to feel love that transcends the universe. Literally, just please take me on a magic carpet ride :(

The background harmonies too oh my goodness—HEAVENLY.

Jaehyun's voice is so warm and soulful it fits perfectly with songs of this genre.

Okay alright Doyoung Grande!

And Taeil makes me feel like I'm listening to old school R&B.

The first time I heard this from the track video, I can't stop replaying because it's just that great.

This makes me want to love. I think that sums it up.

9. Road Trip

This is such a soothing song for me, especially how I easily become nostalgic thinking about the road trips I've had.

Whenever I listen to this, my brain immediately conjures up thoughts of my ideal getaways. Gazing at the sky through the car window, stirring up from a nap in the middle of the ride, and eventually reaching your destination.

Oh, to travel around anywhere... (curse you covid-19)

Okay that's it. I'M PACKING UP.

But where do I go—

I could also imagine Mark playing this on the guitar and the other members sing along together, something like that.

Just Wholesome™ vibes.

I love how it evokes such a nice emotion within me effortlessly.

This isn't my favorite, but I still love this.

10. Dreamer

Eyyyy such a refreshing song!

This song is so bright it makes me want to dance. I play this first in the shower!

It reminds me so much of Elevator (from Neozone)

The horns make it more lively I think!

Yuta and Jungwoo's voice suits lively songs like this.

The background vocal in low register in Taeyong's part in the first verse is so good ahhfhf

Taeil, the R&B vocal king you are...

There's this part where Doyoung and Johnny harmonized, that at first listen they seemed to clash, but it sounded actually fine after a few listens. Maybe it's just that I've never heard them do it before.

And I think it's Doyoung's laugh at the end of the bridge? Oh my goodness I really love this too!

11. Promise You

MY FIRST LOVE AND MOST FAVORITE SONG IN THE ALBUM!!!

The first time I heard this from their NCIT Sharehouse Sitcom, I fell in love with the song already.

It sounds like something you'd feel from a warm, welcoming hug.

The lyrics are so beautiful and endearing. It's definitely a be-there-for-you type of song that will touch your heart.

It definitely sounds like a promise.

A song about platonic intimacy.

This really fits to be the closing song of the album. It's like the end of it but holds a promise that says “see you soon.”

Because they cherish their fans like that.

It's also like I've watched a movie with a happy ending, where the camera pans up to the clear sky and this song starts playing.

Speaking of ending, I would love to hear them sing this as an encore stage in their concert. You know, that moment just before the stage lights die down at the end of the concert where they send final blows of flying kisses to NCTzens. Then you come home smiling and crying.

This wasn't supposed to be this long since I originally planned to write this with just simple phrases and emojis but I got too engrossed lol. I also meant to include my own ratings but I figured it’s pointless since I can’t really decide about them hahaha

I really enjoyed the whole album and I love how they're progressively defining what NEO means by breaking through standards. It's not NCT music if it doesn't make you say "WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT?" But then you realize it’s stuck in your head and you’re enjoying it already.

✨ OVERALL RATING: 127/10 💚

if you’ve reached until here, thank you for letting me share you a braincell or two 💞

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strawberryteaprincess · 3 years

Text

The Class Group Chat

17 23, Tuesday

"Caline Bustier" created this group.

Caline Bustier: Good afternoon class. After some fatal incidents with akumas, the school has decided that a group chat is needed for each class, so evacuation is easier and we can be alerted quicker of a student is trapped, ensuring the safety of all students and making Ladybug and Cat Noir's job less stressful.

"Doggo" has joined.

Doggo: Oi mates!

"Sk8r Girl" has joined.

Sk8r Girl: lol

Caline Bustier: Kim and Alix, please use your real names.

Doggo: Awwww

"Sk8r Girl" has changed their name to "Alix".

"Doggo" has changed their name to "Kim".

"Alya", "Rose", "Max" and "Nathaniel" have joined.

Alya: hey y'all!

Rose: hiiii 😊

Max: Good evening everyone.

Nathaniel: Hello

Caline Bustier: Good evening Max, Rose, Alya and Nathaniel.

Rose: is Juleka here

Max: Negative

Rose: really?😦 she said she was in

Alya: maybe its her wifi

"Juleka" has joined.

Rose: juleka!

Juleka: Hi.

"DJBoi" has joined.

DJBoi: Oops

"DJBoi" has changed their name to "Nino".

Nino: hi everyone!

Rose: hi! 😁

Max: Good evening.

Juleka: Hi.

Alya: hey babe ;)

Nino: Hey babe 😚

Caline Bustier: Nino and Alya, please keep all affectionate texts in private messages.

Alya: sorry ms bustier

Nino: oops

"Sabrina", "Queen Bee", "Mylene" and "Ivan" have joined.

Sabrina: Hi!

Alya: hey Sabrina

Nino: 'sup

Mylene: Hello

Queen Bee: Ridiculous! Utterly ridiculous!

Alya: ???

Alix: the heck Chloe? 😑

Caline Bustier: Alix, please do not use vulgar language in this chat.

Alix: Sorry mademoiselle

Nino: where's Ivan?

Mylene: he's offline. probably napping

Alya: where's ma girl Marinette

Nathaniel: she never joined

Caline Bustier: May someone please remind Adrien, Marinette and Lila to join the group chat?

Alya: ill get marinette

Alya: marinette isn't home and she isn't answering her phone.

Nino: I'll try and reach Adrien

Nino: DUUUUUUUUDE!!!

Caline Bustier: Nino, please do not display such behaviour.

Alix: this isn's private chat you dummy

Caline Bustier: Alix, I said not to use vulgar language.

Alix: 😶 sorry miss

"Adrien" and "Marinette" have joined.

Adrien: Hi, sorry for coming late.

Caline Bustier: It's alright, Adrien.

Alya: Gurlll, where r u?

Rose: where's marinette?

Adrien: she's here

Alya: we know that but where is she?

Adrien: and I said here.

Nino: where's here???

Adrien: in the locker room

Alix: wth are you two still doing at school? its 5 o'clock?

Caline Bustier: Alix.

Alix: sorryyyyyyyyy

Alya: ooooh, you two doin dirty stuff? ;)

Adrien: what's that?

Rose: don't poison the child Alya 😡

Alya: oops, sorry

Caline Bustier: Adrien, what are you doing in school his late and why is Marinette not responding?

Adrien: Marinette's trying to connect to my hotspot

Marinette: hi, what'd i miss?

Alya: why are you in school so late?

Marinette: what?

Alix: don't try to lie. Adrien told us

Marinette: *privately to Adrien* you told them where we were???

Adrien: *privately to Marinette* yes, why not? we jumped in here after the akuma attack

Marinette: *privately to Adrien* you're jeorpadizing our identities!

Adrien: *privately to Marinette* plz ur overreacting. im sure there are other things people would think we were doing

Marinette: *privately to Adrien* like what???

Adrien: *privately to Marinette* like eating pasta or doing silly dances or just chillin in a locker room

Marinette: *privately to Adrien* think of a good excuse or no kisses for a month

Adrien: *privately to Marinette* :( umm, we wanted to study and feel the aura and illusion we were in school for upmost concentration?

Marinette: ...youre a moron

Alya: excuse me???

Marinette: shoot, that wasnt for you

Caline Bustier: Marinette, please do not use such vulgar language in this chat.

Marinette: sorry miss bustier

Nathaniel: wait, so u two are in the same room but talking thru private chat???

Marinette: ...

Rose: okay, now what were you two doing? 🤨

Nino: yh dudes, what?

Caline Bustier: Yes, I would also like to know. School is closed and both of you should not still be in the locker room.

Marinette: uh, we...

Marinette: *privately to Adrien* THINK OF AN EXCUSE QUICK!

Adrien: how about... we were making out in a locker?

Marinette: PRIVATE CHAT YOU DUMMY!

Adrien: shoot

Alya: 😱😱😱

Nino: WHAT?!

Rose: 😨

Nathaniel: wait, what-

Queen Bee: WHAT??!!!

Mylene: 😯

Kim: 😱😂

Marinette: NOOOOO THATS NOT WHAT WE WERE DOING!!!!

Alix: LOLLL U EXPOSED MAR 🤣🤣🤣

Marinette: I FREAKING HATE U RIGHT NOW AGRESTE 😡😡

Adrien: :'(

Caline Bustier: Marinette, Adrien, please watch your language in this chat.

Queen Bee: RIDICULOUS, UTTERLY RIDICULOUS!

Alya: YOU DIDN'T TELL ME YOU WERE DATING!!!

Alya: BESTIE YOU BETRAYETH ME!!! 😡😡😡

Alix: ROTFL

Nino: DUDE TMI

Caline Bustier: Please stop misusing this chat.

Alya: gurl where r u?!

Nino: dude, i think shes dead

Alix: she def killed Adrien lolll

Mylene: i cant believe they were dating!

Kim: Marinette is definitely not showing up to school tomorrow

Max: I apologize everyone. My internet logged me out of our chat due to some problems. What's all this about Adrien and Marinette dying?

Kim: read the chat

Max: Oh wow. I did not predict this.

"Lila" has joined.

Lila: Hey guys, what'd I miss?

...

im now posting on mondays and saturdays, just in case anyone would like to know

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angelspenance · 2 years

Note

Okay give us your detailed thoughts on your favorite ships in DR

Alrighty so to nobody’s surprise I’ll start with komahina because oauoaugoughaough…. Besties worsties boyfriends even… their dynamic is silly funny deep uncategorizable pull towards one another that even after everything cannot be shaken. Obsessed with the parallel of Hajime waking up on the beach with Nagito standing above him vs Nagito waking up and Hajime helping them out of their pod. Like. Augh…. Hajime routinely attempts to understand them and feels a notable absence after their death & even says “good or bad it was still Nagito and they’re gone now” like auouaugh.. Nagito who routinely compliments the ultimates on their talents & doesn’t know Hajime’s for Obvious Reasons still routinely comments on how kind he is… the line of “I’m happy you’re asking someone like me but I have other things I need to do. So don’t worry about me, have fun spending time with the others” after being all around dismissive of literally every one else remaining after reading The File. Christ. And the not one but two confessions…. Despair Disease got them acting gay as fuck. Like ouaough… and the initial friendship with Hajime cycling back in the end with really agreeing to try to become friends & the literal hand hold. Like they kinda sorta mean the world to each other whether or not they want to and in the end they come to something adjacent to terms with it. Some Guy x Weirdest Motherfucker You’ve Ever Met. The “i care about you jackass” of it all. Peace & love on earth.

Kuzuhina… Some Guy catches the eye of Ultimate Yakuza like off to a great start already. The way they slowly grow closer together over the course of the game and Fuyuhiko ends up genuinely fond of Hajime is soooo good.

Pekobuki…. They be holding hands chillin… stoic girl x average silly goofy enjoyer.. I think Peko should have gf & their dynamic is Something.

Sondham got that weirdo4weirdo swag obsessed with them genuinely and truly. They take turns infodumping I know this for a fact.

Chiaki & nearly every girl on the island have Something going on. <3

Celesgiri…. Detective/gambler… straight up holding hands before her execution sure was a Choice I love gay people

Hinanami ough godgodgod. Their final free time event just being them not knowing what to do and ending with them just chasing after each other on the beach… Hajime’s refusal to believe she’s the traitor… the whole heartfelt exchange in the void… and their friendship at hopes peak… AUGH.

Naegirigami so good… two more emotionally distant people warming up to Mr Ultimate Hope… hopping into the pit for him vs “tell them Naegi” oh they’re Something

Komanami (platonic) I think they’re in a qpr like augh hashtag autism4autism. They’re licherally besties and then some like the way they’re close in the dr3 anime & the way Chiaki always gave them the benefit of the doubt when warranted the two of them partnering up in chapter four Chiaki slapping Akane when she strangled them like. They both view the world through specific lenses ie video games vs cycles #autism like they understand each other at the very least on that level. They care about each other deeply hope this helps <3

#I think that’s as coherent & thorough I can be rn but ough… Them…#also Hajime is dating everyone mentioned with him hope this helps <3 #werewolfcave #asks

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darkfinch · 2 years

Note

*pokes head over the hedge I've been hiding behind* I have 45 minutes to spare, please tell us more...

*pours you a cup of tea* okay since you are NOT my boss and you DO have 45 minutes of time to spare, i would actually recommend the babyiest steps of sources i can provide for both questions, the paganism reddit FAQ page [x] and wikipedia [x]

but since we're on tumblr i can explain paganism vs wicca and the wheel of the year like this:

paganism is a catch-all umbrella term for a whole bunch of very different paths derived from or inspired mostly by reconstructed pre-christian religions (thank you to the above sources for that phrasing)

so like....paganism itself is not A Religion, it's a school bus with a lot of religions inside of it. brady over there is so into, like, Aphrodite. Thor is there. etc.

wicca is in the school bus singing summer camp songs SO loudly and kicking the backs of everyone's seats, love u wicca, it was popularized by gerald gardner in the ??? 50s and is its own thing. it's the only one anyone's heard of. if you've ever haphazardly picked up a book on witchcraft or paganism from ur local library it was probably heavily wicca-inspired.

paganism as an umbrella contains paths that are monotheistic, polytheistic, atheistic, etc; wicca is duotheistic, they have a triple goddess and a horned god (and a wiccan rede of Do No Harm and Secrets). uhhhh priests. covens. great aesthetics. v specific.

wicca got some rights (go wicca) so they're an official religion in some places which is so rad. for Work Rights Purposes i'm considered wiccan even though i am ACTUALLY just chillin in another seat in the schoolbus minding my business and joining in on the only verse of the summer camp song i share with my good friend wicca, which is our mutual bestie the wheel of the year.

the wheel of the year is a quilt of joyfully misappropriated excuses to celebrate and it fucking SLAPS. every track is a bop. you have your solstices (summer and winter) and your equinoxes (fall and spring) but like why stop there. there are harvests to celebrate there are celtic fire festivals to nod at vaguely there's food. to be eaten. in large quantities

a brief introduction:

(the year is split up like a wheel go check the wikipedia entry there's a Picture.)

Yule: WINTER SOLSTICE midwinter make merry and eat something warm. start a fire. it is so cold but we are halfway to spring please hang in there have some pie

Imbolc: aka candlemas, aka a day for brigid if ur doin celtic paganism, listen. we promise spring is coming. can't u feel it can't you feel the spring coming. if you had sheep you'd know it was lambing season but you don't so it's a GREAT time to cleanse ur house and Prepare for spring. uhhhh start a fire

Ostara: spring equinox we TOLD YOU SPRING WOULD HAPPEN balance has been restored to the world life is so good you can see the sun. experience plants. eat an egg

Beltane: LIGHTS light festival, may day. fertility. may poles. good day if you have a special goddess in ur pantheon u would like 2 appreciate. good day to plant something. definitely start a fire for this one

Litha: MIDSUMMER we did it kids. go outside look at the sun she is SO beautiful it is the summer solstice. have a feast. start a fire?

Lammas: THE BREAD ONE this is one of the harvest holidays, all of which fuck immensely. if you've ever wanted to try baking bread this is your Day this is your Time this is your Moment. pickpocketed this one from lughnasadh the gaelic harvest festival but truly don't we all need a bread day. eat bread by the fire <3

Mabon: THE APPLE ONE it's the second of the harvest holidays, how many apples can you consume with your fragile human body in the span of 24 hours. find out. roast some over the fire you will be lighting. bake some in an oven. thanksgiving but with better vibes

Samhain: THE SPOOKY ONE summer has died and so has everything else. the depression harvest holiday. great time to eat an entire pumpkin pie by yourself and pay respect to your ancestors or loved ones who've passed on. kinda grim kinda dark winter is breathing down our necks but the witchy decor is gonna go on sale in a bit so that's something. stare blankly into the fire <3

not all pagans do the wheel of the year for a variety of reasons bc again, paganism is a tree of many branches and a bus carrying so many noisy children (also before anyone yells at me these are EXTREMELY simplified there are many things going on for each holiday that vary by each tradition i am not a resource i am a bird on tumblr)

#finchtalks #can you tell which holidays are my favourites lmao

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snakeboistan · 3 years

Text

3-E + KARASUNO + 1-A FRIENDSHIP GROUPS

Just a heads up that I don't really know that much about BNHA. Most of my knowledge comes from fanfics, tumblr posts and my bestie so some of these headcanons might be a bit OOC

Nagisa + Hinata + Midoriya

So I’ve already made posts about Nagisa, Hinata and Mido being the ultimate cinnamon roll trio who are the loves of my life, my sons and if anything happens to them I will kill everyone and then myself

Let me adopt them, please let me adopt them

I mean it is canon that Mama Midoriya is single right?...jk jk ... unless 👀

These precious babies are literally the sweetest guys ever and everyone’s ultimate hype men

They have their own protection squads and at least five people who have a crush on them (these bois be making people question their sexuality like it’s a past time)

They can also turn feral at any given moment and revert back to normal in a second

They act like its no big deal but they have legit traumatised people before

I know that Nagisa and Midoriya are ✨ notebook buddies ✨ but I like to think that Hinata keeps a volleyball journal like Kageyama (like the adorable boyfriend he is) and shows it off proudly to them and Nagisa and Mido are so proud of their tangerine bestie and they teach him how to make notes and analyse like they do and are just so pure (ILOVETHEMSOMUCHYOUHAVENOIDEA)

It’s a legit hazard to have them in the same place because the intensity of the combined smiles of a baby sunshine crow, baby sunshine snake and baby sunshine bunny can wipe out anyone in a 10 km radius

But what a way to go, am I right?

Also, I’m adding Yamaguchi here because he’s a sweetie who can and will end someone if they try to mess with Tsukki the people he cares about

Do not under any circumstances try to mess with the trio that is Nagi, Yama and Mido because they know all of your secrets and are not afraid to use that to their benefit

Isogai + Daichi + Iida

Did you mean: Dad Friends

Someone help them

It aint easy being a teen parent but they make it work

Also I’m a total simp for all three of them like Iida is everything I want IDKY I’m not saying its the glasses but its totally the glasses

Can and will do the disappointed dad stare. It is effective.

These three meet up to despair about their schoolmates and within five minutes one (or all) of them is getting a phone call because someone needs to be bailed out of jail

Isogai and Iida are class rep goals just saying

They love their classmates but why are they like this

Daichi: *watching Noya and Tanaka egg on the Terasaka gang to let them connect sleds on Yoshida’s motorbikes and go speed racing down the mountain* I ask myself that everyday

Just...someone give them a vacation and some aspirin because they need it

But not for too long because they are the few responsible ones

Midoriya: *mumbling* That’s funny considering that Iida tried to murder someone in cold blood

1-A members not aware of the Hosu Incident (so basically everyone except for Mido, Todo and Glasses Sonic): WHAT?!

Karma: Really? That’s weird. Nagisa tried to do that as well

3-E members that didn’t confront Takaoka: WAIT WHAT?!

Karasuno: *paling* who the f*ck are these people…

Fuwa + Nakamura + Kiyoko + Ashido + Aoyama

The ultimate shippers

Listen, look me in the eyes and tell me that Shimizu Kiyoko doesn’t ship her team and that she does not have a group chat with all of the other managers where they gossip about who’s dating who. Look me right in the eyes and tell me that does not happen.

These people know all of the gossip

Well actually Nagisa knows all of the tea in 3-E but Fuwa is a close second

Ultimate wingpeople

Kataoka + Ennoshita + Momo

I don’t want to say mum friend but they are the most responsible ones if Isogai, Daichi and Iida aren’t around

They are beings to be feared, you dont wanna cross them

There was once a time when all three of them are angered and everyone still has emotional scars to this day

The only ones who can control the chaos

Can also smack talk people like a pro

Have soft spots for the cinnamon rolls

Just imagine the three of them sitting around one of those circular umbrella tables outside of a cafe wearing matching sunglasses and drinking smoothies out of a straw as they judge everyone

Kimura + Hinata + Kageyama + Kirishima

GYM BUDDIES

Listen, there are athletes and there are athletes™

These boys are the latter

They race all of the time

I’m not kidding

Everything is a race

Arm wrestles galore

Hazama + Tsukishima + Tokoyami

Masters of snark

Looks like they can kill you, can actually kill you

Hang out with each other to get away from the stupidity of everyone around them

Hazama and Tokoyami are just chillin’ talking about demonic sacrifice and Tsukki’s like ‘you guys are more tolerable than the feral children I’ll stay here’

Literally have no cares at all

If you approach them they will make you cry

Chiba + Hayami + Kageyama + Todoroki

The chill kids

All they do is vibe in the background

They’re entire friendship is just *blank stare* *eye contact* *small nod*

And you know what? That’s valid

Are also totally willing to hide a body 24/7

Todo convinces the other three that his theories are legit

Terasaka Squad + Nishinoya + Tanaka + Bakusquad

CHAOS

That is it

Do I need to go on?

Kurahashi + Kouda

Soft bbys

Would die for them

Go on bug hunting expeditions

Hang out at petting zoos

Kurahashi has fallen in love with Kouda's bunnies as she should

Are proud parents of every single furry and crawlie critter on the E-Class mountain

Dont worry Nagisa gets to keep his snakes

Go to pet stores and animal shelters

pure cinnamon rolls

Maehara + Tanaka + Nishinoya + Kaminari

Best hype men

Praise each other like no other

Maehara and Calamari keep on getting annoyed because everyone keeps on pretending to not be able to tell the two apart

They can it's just that it's fun to mess with them

Karasuma + Ukai + Aizawa

The ‘I came here determined not to get attached and now I’ve adopted a gang of teenagers’

Are literally one second away from becoming alcoholics

Are constantly ready to ‘subtly’ brag about how their students are improving in training

Karasuma and Aizawa go over sparring procedures and Ukai is just like ‘your students have WEAPONS?!?’

Tsundere but parents

Best Dads

They love their kids

But dont tell anyone that

It’s okay they know anyway

Will deck anyone that hurts their chaos children in any way

Koro-Sensei + Takeda + Yagi

PROUD PAPAS

THEY LOVE THEIR KIDS SO MUCH

THEY CAN SPEND 1284720 HOURS BRAGGING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR KIDS STUDENTS ARE

HAVE WALLETS WITH THEIR PHOTOS IN THEM Yagi’s is just 20+ pictures of Midoriya but shhhh

*Todoroki’s conspiracy theory senses tingle*

They could be at the groceries but they’ll still find a way to brag about their kids

#assassination classroom #haikyuu!!#boku no hero academia

40 notes · View notes

pepsicup · 3 years

Text

Chaotic Commentary: We Have Always Lived In The Castle

Welcome to my thought process when I watch movies!

The arrival of a cousin with ulterior motives threatens the claustrophobic and isolated world of two sisters and their uncle. (Oooof, bitch. I already know Sebastian is gonna look damn fine in this movie.)

Watched: April 22nd, 2021

Opening

Alrighty, right off the bat, the opening music giving me very much throwing it back at summer solstice 1531. Might fuck around and show some ankle, who knows

Um miss girl, first off all, i know damn well you aren't wearing a stark white shirt and capris shorts after labour day. And secondly, you gotta work on your self care babygirl, you are looking rough

Okay, so noted; there is clearly something off about this girl because i know when i personally rummage through family keepsakes, i don't have a hannibal look on my face

I don't know if you guys know this but your house...it needs a little 5 minute crafts, diy, extreme makeover: home edition treatment

Ohhhh baddie alert, baddie alert, baddie alert. That chick’s silhouette already got me acting up. Yes sink low to the ground girl, drop it down for me

Short monologue before being cut in half by that creepy ass stare, gotcha. I literally needed more nightmare fuel, thanks bestie

‘A change is coming, and nobody knows it’ how much more change can you get, your house is literally in shambles girl one battle at a time

First Act

Ah, here we are, title screen. Very cottagecore.

Timeskip: What did happen last tuesday, I must know...the suspense is suffocating

I’m not one to judge, but that record doesn’t sound like a life-coaching audio.

Oh heyyy there's a kitty!

Yes hun, that is a working tap, your telekinesis is redundant. Eleven from stranger things eat your heart out.

Alexandra! Babyyy Daddario! Step on my face or domesticate me into a housewife, i beg of you. The uncle tho, he isn't it.

Chill out Mary, you’re just running errands. Why is she walking in a slow-mo naruto run like that. She is giving me a schizophrenic Napoleon Dynamite vibes.

Wait...is her name Meerkat?

Oh, its Merricat...nah i like mine better lmaooo.

Her inner monologue is making cackle because it sounds like a Gabbie Hanna original piece 💀

Okay what i got from the coffee shop scene was Stella is also a grade A baddie, I want to commit double homicide on those two douches, and i want to invite miss meerkat to my lunch table because awwww. She's just different leave her alone.

Wow, the village folk really know how to talk shit huh? Well, I can eat rats like all of them for every meal of the day, plus snackie snacks. Go fuck yourselves, thoroughly.

God that family needs to smoke some weed or something. Why do I feel like the sisters are about to kiss...and the uncle sounds like he means risky business. Very bad vibes here, back to you in the studio.

Ooooh, miss daddy really knows how to roll her tongue huh? Again, very much cottagecore ‘history says they were just really good friends’ aesthetic. And so many bops in this movie, kinda feel the need to throw it back or do the renegade.

Why do I feel like this next scene is just a posh episode of gossip gorl. Sipping tea and spewing nonsense. Rum cake? No thanks, babygirl. Oh but here comes uncle wanky, whisking away Lucille with his talk of arsenic.

Yes. Speak 8 course meal to me daddy...fuck, now I’m hungry. Okay the uncle isn’t so bad I guess, very poetic and philosophical. Yes, very nice. Sucks that he was roofied and turned to a professor X cosplay for solace, though.

Timeskip: Last Thursday huh? We are in for a rollercoaster folks.

*she glares in rhubarb pie and possibly shelved jam*

OH MY GOD ITS HAPPENING, I SAW THE SIDE/BACK OF HIS HEAD AND MY HEART STOPPED. He has a very nice shaped head, yes, pleasing to the eye.

Hi sirrrr, I have a pocket full of horses, trojan and some of them used. Pls let me ride you in the little red corvette. Pick me, Charles, choose me, love me.

Real talk, I feel so bad for Mary Katherine (I literally almost typed Gallagher at the end lmaooo thanks molly shannon) she is obviously struggling with something and Constance looks like she is very traumatized.

But I still think there’s something not right about Mary. Miss girl no one walks like that (thats a lie, it would probably be me after a night with Bucky barnes) and I love me a little witchy goodness. But not enough to start locking up my bedroom like it’s Area 51 and having secret rituals at my super exclusive, diy bohemian temple in the middle of the woods.

OH MY FUCKING GOD PLEASE SPARE ME FROM THE FEELING I JUST FELT IN THIS ROOM ON THIS VERY DAY IN APRIL, MAMA FUCKING MIA

when he stood up—bitch I’m gone, I’m his whore now. Sorry, I am owned by this man. Bye I was literally launched off earth for a moment there, kinda chillin’ in dead space, standby.

Okay I took a break for a moment. I’m cool, I’m collected, play button is a go. NOPE, GIRL MY MOUTH IS FOREVER OPEN, AND I DUNNO IF I WAS MY BODY TELLING ME TO KNEEL IN FRONT OF HIM OR WHAT—SOMEONE HOLD ME

Current state: I am hugging my knees and wasting away under my blankets. I paused and played and paused and played because I cant go more than 2 seconds of looking at him.

Okay, I’m all good.

All I keep saying is no...no ...NO, louder and louder every time he opens his mouth, ‘got a hug for your cousin?’ um not a cousin but yes, right bitch for that job present for attendance. Here ✋🏻

Girl I’d run like the wind, too, this kitty isn’t gonna dry itself, nyuuuooom, double time! Fall in, Rogers. Gotta keep up. 🏃🏻‍♀️

Timeskip: Last Friday night, yeah we dance on table tops and we took too many shots, I think I gave Charles a blo-oh-job, whoops—

Ah, see I knew there was something fruity about Charles, hopefully he kisses a boy in this. Would love to see that.

Uh oh, the way he just pops that fruit into his mouth...I fine, I’m totally fine. Mentally I am... the way he chews if making my oral fixation quake

‘now that’s a handsome cat’ sir if you don’t—he wonders why he is such a fucking meme, this is why Sebastian.

‘Jonassss’ which one of the brothers, tho?

Ah yes, the best of friends; Meerkat, Frankie Jonas and a middle-aged Carter Baizen. Ugh mega sad that this is the closest I will get to see Charles pet a puthycat though.

Why don’t you slap my ass like a flapjack pancake, Charles. You won’t.

OMG so quirky 🤪when you steal his shirts 🥺🤪🥰

Who the is venice, Charles? Who, who, what are you, a fucking owl? WHO’S VENICE AND WHY IS SHE YOUR FAVOURITE?! sorry i had to get that out of my system, iconic cinema shall not be overlooked.

all this commentary is fresh from my chicken breast brain by the way

All i heard out of that little inspirational, facebook-esque speech at the dinner table was was shoes. Also peep Frédéric Chopin banging in the background noise, a little Nocturne Op. 9 No. 2 to keep party goin’

Charles...that is your cousin.

It isn't a PHASE, Charles. Let him be emo over his dead brother and great tragedy of losing his legs then gaining the likeness of sir patrick stewart. Therefore, he will not forget.

Oh...i’ll sit down i guess.

I COULD LITERALLY—...I could literally watch him eat for the rest of my life pls sir have murthy

Grocery boy...hmmm reminds me of a yee ole jingle i heard in my youth. What can i say, I’m a connoisseur of the classics my friends.

Sidenote: I’m getting vietnam flashbacks to singing ‘carol of the bells’ at the elementary christmas concert. I am overstimulated. And not in a good way.

Charles...do not add that newspaper clipping of your cousin to your personal spank bank, pls.

Timeskip: Last weekend, alright. What did we do; brewski’s with the boys? Hockey night in canada? one legged race? I’m dying to know...

Very nice form charles, you’ve almost dug right through the wood. A real mans-man here if we are being honest. I’ve never in whole life seen a construction crew do better than Charles Blackwood.

I could watch him do this all day.

Pearl necklace huh? Me too, girl.

‘I’m beginning to think, that my spells no longer work’ 8-year-old me, sitting in a bath full of salt and a charm bracelet of rock candy dissolving in the water after my fifth attempt to transform into a mermaid

Aw, but i would sit out there and eat a sandwich with Meerkat. Hell yeah, we can go halfsies on a BLT no problem 😢

oh...

oh no...Charles.

Here is my first sexual grievance, the way he carried that sack over his shoulder, mmm yes i have been fed most wonderful nutrients. BUT NEXT?! THE TWO FINGERS LINE AND THE FUCKING MOTION HE DID AND SAYING SHE WASN’T GOING DEEP ENOUGH PLS

what is with this man and gold...alright debutante Lance Tucker simmer down.

And the ‘hot’ thing, ‘needing a bath’? miss daddy is working it in for her cousin real hard, sweet home alabama all summer long

HEY LET'S ALL GO SWIMMING IN MY POOOL, AND BY POOL I MEAN BATHTUB, AND BY SWIMMING I MEAN SEXXXX--

Oh, so there’s this ominous whistling, nice, a blade kink, cool, and Charles serving body audi audi audi audi all the damn day. Hi sirrrrr. God i just love his chest, man. Its just so buff. He looks this good for what? And in front of his cousin...ew? um child, anyways so

the way my stomach clenched in the most uncomfortable way just shows that my body doesn't care about my comfort when it comes to thirsting and simping. He didnt have to look at her like that or fucking back her out

oh to be a chair...

esteemed audience member sac is a little tired of hearing cousin charles and cousin mary call each other cousin charles and cousin mary

Charles, eat your fruit and shut the fuck up. But also, hi sirrr.

I see you, Constance, I see you...tig ol’ bitties 👀

Timeskip: It’s Monday without the benefit of a sebastian stan, full frontal nude scene...smh

baby, just give up on the step and go fondle some plants please, i’m begging, stop at once. or, i spoke too soon?

If i have to hear sebastian say constance one more time i am going suck down all the arsenic i can find...he just says it so weird lmaoooo i hate it

Climax (make it happen, Charles 🙄)

Aw i love fruity, coffee shop, car men AU’s

that shot of him looking over his shoulder single handedly sent to into a spiral...what the fuck are you doing to me, Charles.

uh oh...one of the car men is madddd

OH OKAY WELL, WELL, FUCK ME, WELL

why dont you just come up behind her and literally growl in her ear what the fuck, Charles. I swear sebastian plays his characters just to make women go feral sometimes.

Sir! Sir! This IS A WENDY’S, SIR, THAT’S YOUR COUSIN--

NOT THE MILK CARTON

PLEASE I’M LITERALLY KILLING MYSELF LAUGHING, WHY IS HE DRINKING IT LIKE THATTTTT

that little ‘aahh’ at the end when he drank it all got me, oh my fucking jesus. Hold on i need a minute, my stomach hurts from laughing my guts out.

Oooof but the eye-contact and the expressions are computing mega well to my chicken breast brain so fanfics will be written and sin will be committed so help me lord jesus on the cross almighty, amen (sorry i’m ex-catholic, its just my go-to)

pfffft that is so iconic, Mary is literally gathering sticks in the pitch black woods while Charles basically puts down his own wood for her sister to pick up on fjgrebgnuierijiojfd, i’m dying

why does he have to pull that poetic, sensitive stud act...just give us the goods charles, slap someone i’m begging you

This is like star wars all over again, they served head-on into on-coming incest traffic

*holds up finger guns* sir, ma’am i’m gonna need you to put your hands behind your heads and get down on your knees exactly 8.92 feet apart, this is a citizen’s arrest

but, i too would like to slow dance and make plans with him. Maybe we’ll go deep in the garden with two fingers on top of the rhubarb, maybe we will commit arson, who knows...

Meerkat continues to be my every mood, she really said:

Timeskip: Oh shit, its tuesday ya’ll, grab your party hats it’s about to get funky

Charles, if you don’t shut the fuck up and stop yelling out her name i will suffocate you between my thighs, electrocute your arm until it falls limp and shoot you with a grenade launcher, don’t make me do it

And yes, am i currently squirming in my seat because of the way he is smoking the pipe and hollowing his cheeks, what about it?

Second Act

Yes baby girl! you trash that room like ozzy osbourne and tommy lee did to that motel on tour in 1982. Go, Meerkat, go!

Charles holding those sticks in both hands is the equivalent to a 1-year-old holding those little cocktail weenies, it has the same energy and i’m dying over it

Try to tell me it's not the same picture:

You can't.

Oh shit, its getting heated now. Mary’s in trouble.

Everything isn’t making sense at the same time its all coming together, i am confused, frightened, a little bit horny, but mostly just entirly overwhelmed. Mom...can you come pick me up, i’m scared.

Oh my god! knew it! i knew i knew the actor that plays the uncle, he's the creepy thin man from charlie's angels! Wowza, what a world.

Oh no...i’m flashing back to vietnam again, the fucking bells dude i’m tellin’ ya. There is so much going on, i feel everything but nothing at the same time, help...

NOOOO HER ARTSY BOHEMIAN WITCH COTTAGECORE JARS! THE OUTRAGE! SHE CANT CAST SPELLS ANYMORE, HER POWERS ARE LOST!

a CURSH! NOT A CURSH!

What in the criss angel mindfreak is going on in here on this day? Who are they? And why is the broad such a bitch...oh is she the mom? My bad. Pops seems nice though. Yes, indeed.

Awh, hiii frankie jonasss. 🥰

Oh here we go with the eating again. If i have to see him flex his jaw one more time i’m gonna go feral. And on the usual, loud and obnoxious noises like the ones he is making when he takes a bite, or chew or swallow food/a drink like the who fucking milk debacle. But he just makes it okay? Maybe its just my eating disorder bias coming into play but how can someone be sexy while eating, or smug? Like huh???

‘Why dont you like me?’ WHY DO YOU CARE CHARLES, GODDAMN IT

Is he playing the sad boi card reallyyy? You want someone to say thank you? Put yourself to good use then. I can think of a lot of ways you can use that mouth better than going on these strange mini-monolgues like some tortured writer with a kink for control...and breatheee

And she’s back with the Eleven telekinesis, sweet kat that is a meer you have running water! Pfft she is actually dressed like eleven too, like what. Oh wait did i just uncover the plot?

Breaking News: Eleven holds a whole town hostage.

Jesus with Charles eating, Mary getting the sudden urge commit arson, miss daddy looking so fucking fine that i would literally throw myself in front of a bus just to get her attention, and uncle X with his weird theatre act: my blood pressure must be through the roof

Wow hes got a temper, but poor connie, shes a hot mess lmaooo

Oh god...oh god okay this is happening, oh wow, you didn't even get through dinner first charles jesus. Listen, i never give choking up on the first date but if i had the chance...i don't want any sausages other than his, i said what i said

and it keeps going?? ummmmmm i ummmmmm, i don’t have words. I was not warned of this savagery and i don’t know if i’m going to be able to write for anyone other than Charles for a whillllleeee, hun, apologies

Good to know he also uses his super soldier senses in another universe to sense a fire deep in his loins like the dramatic king he is

Now he is driving away and laying on the horn, nice

Oh ho ho, yessssss my coffee shop baddie, my black coffee queeeeeennn Stelllaaaaa. She said, Superhero mode real quick.

ummmm uncle x with the sick mustache...thats certain death? I mean if you are into that sort of thing, have at it.

Okay still driving, people are crying over the bed burning into dust, the heavily disable man is still smoking the good stuff...got it.

Big red truck go Honk, Honk.

Oh here come all the old, white men. Lovely.

‘oh-hooo yeah, thats a fireeeee’ as far as old white men go, that was pretty fucking funny to me

Yeah its gonna be in the arms of the angels real soon if you girls dont get the fuck out????

‘We’re firemen’ and i’m a homo, you want a gingerbread cookie or something? put out the damn fire PLEASE 💀

Ummm you’re too late, i was already wet before you got that camera spray shot, dawg, oh but that poor camera guy lol

AND WEI’RE GOONA LETIT BÜRN BÜRN BÜRN BÜRN, everybody its a singalong

hi, yeah...fuck off, jim

NO YOU DUMB ASSHOLES YOU KNOCKED OVER STELLA MY COFFEE MAMA

charles, you greedy bastard i dont know if should be ashamed when i say that i would still let him top me quite violently even still

Wow this rave got out of hand really fast, i blame marilyn manson

another day, another professor X 😪🔫💀☠️🔥🔪 𝚛𝚒𝚙, 𝕗𝕝𝕪 𝕙𝕚𝕘𝕙, 𝔶𝔬𝔲 𝔴𝔦𝔩𝔩 𝔟𝔢 𝔪𝔦𝔰𝔰𝔢𝔡

i swear to go if anything happens to either my coffee mama or baby miss daddy i will reign hellfire.

Oh so it takes a gunshot for Charles to do a 360 running man but not a jay gatsby meets canadian, hockey riot, emo rave. Gotcha. Hes a man with a code.

That’s what you get for hoeing after your cousin, constance. This is all your fault!

Ending

Timeskip: Ooohhh, yesturrrrdayyyy all my troubles seems so far away--

hunny that ain’t the moon, thats your super secret boho alter

Noooo the kitchennnn, that was my favourite room, other than the bathroom for obvious reasons, I hope the milk cartons are okay...👀

I guess meerkat isn't getting her num-nums, and charles is just going to have to live with charred fruit if he decides to come back

FRANKIE JONAS! THANK GOD!

Oohhere'ss the tea, it's about damn time! I called it! I knew ms variant mongoose was the one who did the fucky things! But i was shocked to find out that Mary was the favourite child over connie, hmm very much bad parenting

ooooh, knock knock, is it charlie-boy? oh, thats disappointing, its just that gossip chick and her husband, boooooo

Never again...never. We get it baby daddy.

oh? another knock? HAHAHAHAHA ITS THE FIRE GUY LMAOOO, what a king. He reminds me of stan lee!

What aare these people doing, they aren't goddess you give offerings to so that your crops will be plentiful, fuck off man. ANOTHER KNOCK..

and i opp-- herreeeees charlie!

‘friends’ sir you were halfway in her pantaloons, stop trying to act all innocent, the fuck. Wow hes really going for it huh?

did he just rip the chain off? Oh charles relax, its door, you don't need to moan like that.

Uhm, i love connie, so fuck you charles you twisted, manipulative burnt cornstalk of a human being. Oh yeah throw a hissy fit, that's real attractive, keep going, she’ll totally say yes.

Oh wait NO DON'T DO THAT, NO THAT'S A DOOR. And another door? NO GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY BABY DADDY ALEXANDRA, SHES MINE.

YOU LITTLE BITCH BOY, GET OFF! WTF!

*standing ovation* give it up for meer-to-the-kat, bravo kid! OH NO HES DEAd, YOU CAN STOP NOW

hahahaha guess whos deep in the garden now, Charles.

Ooh and we are back to start, nice. Children, she's a seasoned murder, might wanna chill on the whole bit you got going on.

Good, smile andddd scene!

Final Thoughts

Okie Dokie, I actually liked this movie a lot.

The acting was absolutely phenomenal, especially on Alexandra’s Daddario and Taissa Farmiga’s part, the characters were so well played. They focused in on so different points of view in this story that it captured the chaos that they were living individually and as a group under one roof. It constantly kept you on edge with the strange nuances in their dialogue, unnerving pauses and the progression of the condition of each character.

It was great. The aesthetic was there, the small but necessary breaks with dark humour really kept the story flowing and most of all, the fervour. It was everywhere, in their emotions or outbursts like Charles at the dinner table and on the stairs, or the way the townspeople kept adding fuel to their own personal hell. And I must admit, it's hard to make characters like Jim the firefighter relevant, but every person that this story involves has a distinct purpose and significance to the plot.

The only negative thing I could think of was I just wish there was more, I wanted it to be longer so that the small gaps in the movie could have been powerful. Okay, what else. Yes, Charles Blackwood, despite all of...that, will make a great character for me to touch on and has a lot of interesting qualities that I will be sure to tap into. Oh! And the only reason why no one else is getting the stan award was that my coffee mama was the only character who wasn't off the rails or just a terrible waste of human life! We stan!

Hoped you enjoyed this and my questionable thought process, I’m gonna go now...bye lol

Overall Score: 8.5/10

🏆 Honorary Stan Award: Stella Ella Ola, Clap Clap Clap. Periodt.

#we have always lived in the castle #castle daddy #sac reviews

20 notes · View notes

adorablele · 4 years

Note

inspired by the other 2 anons, assign your mutuals a member from nct 127?

I love these questions omg. although it was easier to assign my moots to a dream member, this one was still fun to do!

claire - @passionfruithyuck

dfasjk you changed your username and I forgot hhhhhhh

doyoung or haechan

but I’m siding more towards haechan

because if renjun isn’t there to fite w/ you

there’s haechan :)

can see jaehyun casually eating as the two of you bicker lol

could also see doyoung nag the both of you

lmao can see you gagging at hyuck’s aegyo omg

and also pinch his cheeks cause he’s cute like that

also,,, singing battles 👀👀

dahlen - @jisvngy

mork

feel like the two of you would be such a chill pair

best friend goals honestly

I can see you clown him for a lot of things lol

yet at the same time hype him up when it’s needed

can see you guys talking about anything and everything

at anytime really

mark can be awkward, sure, but once he gets used to you

I don’t think he’d stop talking

he’d probably drag you out to do some physical activity too

denise - @renjunlite

haechan or mark

okay idk what it is about love triangles

and you

but like a markhyuck love triangle??

THIS CAN BE PLATONIC THO

like the three besties

just chillin in the park

and hyuck’s head is on your lap as he complains for the nth time or hums a random melody

mark is sitting next to you, strumming his guitar and watermelon (omg what if he sang watermelon sugar)

you’re reading a book, or cloud watching, just enjoying n a t u r e

in this situation, I can picture you with just one

like mark doesn’t have to be there, and it’s just you and haechan

or, haechan doesn’t have to be there, and it’s just you and mark

IDK WHO TO CHOOSE

maybe mark cause I would love to see him serenade you

eiko - @jeonginks

donghyuck

I thought about yuta

but i’m more intrigued about an interactions with donghyuck

as previously mentioned

she’s the type to tell you to shut up cause your loud

in this case

it’s donghyuck who needs to be quiet

and I would swim to korea and drag him to eiko just to see that

y’all would kinda bicker like siblings

or bicker like an old couple idk

either way, it’d always be entertaining

also haechan singing something eiko wrote

the power that that concept has-

haechan’s angelic voice singing a description that eiko wrote about a trash can

would take my breath away

they’re that enticing and that powerful

it’d be some sort of sorcery my mortal brain would not be ready to deal with

they’d have me hypnotized and that’s a fact

girl, if you ever become a songwriter, hit up haechan

you guys would dominate the music industry

and it’d be endgame periodt

janna - @haechaaaaaaanssi

Lucas

okay taeil or yuta

like in the 24 hour relay cam

I can see you in johnny’s place and just walking around with yuta

talking about anything and everything

as you guys hike your way up a mountain or something

and you guys would take cute pictures at the top hhhhh

at the same time

I can see you just chillin with taeil tho

vibin to music in the living room

cuddled in blankets on the couch as you watch movies

randomly ordering late night delivery

or, again with the 24 hour cam (the one with haechan), go out to karaoke

or bowling

or eating out at some restaurant

leyna - @jensungf

JDFKL YOU CHANGED YOUR NAME TOO AND I FORGOT

doyoung

so the two of you can cry over jeno fdajklfd

would sell my kidney to see you guys sing together

we need a duet pls

also I see the two of you baking together??

idk why but I do

and it’s cute

like ‘oops my hand slipped’

and now he has flour all over him

WHY DOES BAKING ALWAYS LEAD TO FOOD FIGHTS HHHHH

at least whenever I imagine them

anyway yes,, leyna and doyoung

number one fans of jeno

and a cute pair don’t @ me

louna - @glossyjaems

hyuck

y’all can be chill

him gaming and minding his own business

you writing and minding your own business

but at the same time chaotic

omg the chaos the two of you would start

partners in crime,, pranking members while you deny it

lying your way out of things and hiding a mischievous smirk

we love to see it

but at the same time

don’t make me your victim pls

qiu - @juyeonzz

taeyong, taeil, sicheng or mark

oh the options

idk who to choose omg

because I can totally see you bond with taeyong, mark and sicheng over dancing

and like in the dream tag,, I would live to see you interact with mork because it’s mork lee

y’all are two awkward beans,,, it’s perfect

would also love to see you interact with sicheng and taeyong

they both are babies and pairing you up with one of them just screams adorable

and taeil

I feel like you just vibe with him

that’s such a bad explanation

but I feel that the two of you would have a connection

cuz I see him as the type of guy who would have talks with you under the stars

and you, qiu, would be his favorite person to have these discussions

SO IN CONCLUSION

IDK

YOU GUYS DECIDE FROM ONE OF THESE OPTIONS

yara - @kwantified

can see you being adventurous with yuta

just exploring

you guys don’t need to talk, just enjoying each other’s presence

could also see you doing that with haechan

except there’d be some talking lol

ooooo but chilling with doyoung??

like a lazy sunday and just staying home

watching some movies

binging some series

eating some popcorn

super chill and we love that

hhhhhh yuta, haechan or doyoung

imma say doyoung

cuz we stan that chill energy yes

#I'm working on the barista!dreamies #i promise #hae.chats #hae.anon #moots 🤢#i think i'll release a teaser #soon...#maybe lol #kinda curious though who would you pair me up with? (dream or 127)#also #anons #whoever #you are #please share more of your #ideas #because your brain is hot

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neshabeingchildish · 4 years

Text

Time to Strike

Family Danger fans know I love me a Thundermans/Team Danger dynamic, but this time, instead of it being a Danger team with Thundermans (I can’t BELIEVE they called their new team Danger Force, a year and a half after my Danger Force); this is a Thunderman team with Dangers. And where the Family Danger team was Danger Force, this one is the Strike Force. I know it’s generic, but I wanted to keep with Force mode for my brand.You don;t have to be an FD fan but SHOUT OUT TO MY FAMILY DANGER OGS!!! I know that Lamia and Noah been here that long. If you been here since FD and still reading reading at my Share-a-Lair, know that you a real one.

@adorkable-blackgirl @chenoahchantel @kiddangers

Share a Lair 19

“I'll think of something.” She smiled all through Henry and Jasper's visit. She and Max of course erased all evidence of them ever speaking, but just knowing the brain power of her man and the fact that he was willing to try to see her? She couldn't help but to smile. Henry was suspicious of her sudden change in moods. Jasper was confused, but just happy to see his bestie seeming happy *enough.

And Max? Well… He had his own things happening, as well. Whenever he reentered the tavern, Zenovia quickly wondered where he had gone to. He brushed off the question and soon left for the night. She invited herself over, but he declined, excusing himself for not feeling very well. She looked suspicious, but accepted it eventually and let him go.

She had no idea that her cherub faced mad scientist was in the process of gathering everything that he could to arrange a massive superhero sting. Charlotte probably thought that when he told her that he would think of something, that meant that he would orchestrate some kind of scheme to get her to be able to visit or him to be able to come home… Well… He definitely had a scheme being produced.

The Russian public didn’t know that Dangerstrike wasn’t present and they were not as familiar with Thunderstrike as they were with him… But… Max was sure that he could get this current assignment wrapped up sooner, rather than later if he acted fairly quickly, and… that might mean having to handle it by himself.

He called Henry after he set everything up, to talk to him about it.

“Yo, yo, Borya, my Man! Kinda chillin with fam…” Henry answered, in character.

“Strike Team is set to attack,” Max said.

Henry cleared his throat and wondered, “How’s that now? I’m not there...”

“I just wanted to let you know.”

“Wait wait wait… By yourself? Are you insane?”

“Little bit. So… see you soon… hopefully.”

“Max…” Henry said, but Max hung up, If the call was intercepted or anything before he had a chance to do this, it could ruin everything. Henry shut his eyes and pressed his phone against his forehead, as he tried to gather his thoughts.

“What’s going on?” Charlotte wondered, worried, after having heard him say Max’s name, then look distressed AF.

“Max is moving forward with a strike without me,” he said.

“WHAT?” Jasper squealed.

“Why would he do something so dangerous?” Piper wondered. “Isn’t he up against like… supervillains right now?”

“Everybody just…” Henry still had his eyes shut and needed to think for a moment.

Charlotte whimpered, “He’s doing this for me.”

“Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” Henry hissed. Then he got up, “I’ve gotta get back there before he gets himself killed. Everybody that he could possibly strike against is dangerous. Like world domination level dangerous! And he plans a strike against them? WITHOUT ME??? What the heck could’ve happened between the last time I saw him and now for him to go on this… this suicide mission?” He was asking rhetorically.

“I sort of reached out to him and begged him to be able to see him soon…” Charlotte admitted, feeling super guilty and ashamed. Piper, Jasper and Henry stared at her. “I missed him and…”

“And you thought that seeing him in a casket was better than waiting a little bit until we had gotten the Russian crime syndicate handled?” Henry snapped.

“That’s not fair, Henry,” Jasper said, his voice soft, but stern.

“Jasper, you know what these people are capable of! Unlike Charlotte, you’v4 been around them and exposed to their depravity. Max doesn’t stand a chance on his own! And she basically SENT him to his doom.”

“Maybe you just don’t realize what Max is capable of!” Charlotte said, angrily. “If he’s doing something, he’s already thought out everything. There’s no way. There is no way that he would risk himself if he thought it was unlikely. He wouldn’t do that to me.”

“He’s stupid when it comes to you!’ Henry yelled. The two of them were arguing and coming towards each other, getting in each other's faces, Jasper attempted to hold them at bay while Piper ate and watched.

The argument traveled with them all the way back to the Hero League Headquarters. Piper came through the golden portal with them and said, “Whoa, that was pretty cool…” They scoffed and noticed that she was with them.

“And now look what you’ve done!” Henry fussed at Charlotte. “You’ve let Piper come along!”

“I’m the only one who was able to open the dang portal. YOU should’ve been the one to make sure that your sister didn’t come through…” There was a lot more fussing. Jasper had given up on making peace. “It’s like I have to do everything!”

“Sending Max to his death was doing enough, I think..”

“LOW! JUST LOW!!!” She shrieked, not wanting to say anything else to him at all or even LOOK at him, at this point. For the moment, she and Henry stopped arguing. Jasper directed Piper to where they would be able to wait, Charlotte and Henry continued towards the department that they would have to gain access to a portal to Russia.

That was really the only way that they could get there quickly enough. A jet would most likely be later than they needed, but approval might take just as long, so while Henry explained his emergency situation, she tried to work the system to see if she might be able to create one herself.

She could get in A LOT of trouble for it, but she was pretty sure that she figured out the proper coordinates and configurations for it… But, she also felt like she only had enough skill to get Henry through unnoticed, then MAYBE she might hang back and clear her tracks.

“Miss Page-” Charlotte yelped whenever she heard Super President Kickbutt say her name. The woman wore a stern look that reminded her of whenever her mom was disappointed. “Come with me, please.” As Charlotte followed, sad and scared, the woman quickly appeased her fears with, “You aren’t in trouble… yet. I actually could use your help with something.”

“MY help?” Charlotte repeated,

“You’re the young lady who keeps sending me her success updated resume to gain a place in crisis management, correct?”

“Yes,” Charlotte said, wondering if maybe they hadn’t caught her trying to hack their transport, or if she was about to have to work her way out of punishment for being detected. Either way, she couldn’t say no to whatever this was.

“As I believe you know, Max Thunderman has given us the go ahead to apprehend 13 high profile criminals he has connections to in Russia…”

“I may have heard something about it... okay, so wait… You know, so that means that he has backup available? So, I didn’t send him rushing into a loveblind suicide mission!”

She stopped walking to turn and look at Charlotte and give her an incredulous look. “Of course. Who do you think is running things around here?”

“In my defense, I worked for Captain Man, for many years…” Charlotte said.

The woman looked for a moment like she totally got it. She chuckled a little, turned sharply, smirked and waved a hand in her direction as she continued walking, “Come along.” President Kickbutt explained that she needed her to evaluate the scene and help the crisis team with tech backup, In the meantime, Henry would be debriefed and sent back to Russia, per his request.

Charlotte went into the crisis center and there were various techs, some speaking on lines, some indicating things on screens, and various other controlled chaos. The team she was introduced to was lead by a clairvoyant super who apparently knew that she would be there tonight and also had seen that Charlotte would be the person to make sure that this assignment went successfully. That was a lot of pressure, but she had to just pump herself up and go for it. She had an opportunity both to help Max and Henry AND prove herself worthy of a position in Metroburg, doing her dream job...

Borya had a full set of facial hair. Sometimes, Max would get stubble back home, but Charlotte’s responses would quickly let him know when it was time to shave. He hadn’t focused on it as much whenever they were preparing to leave and since they had been in Russia, he continued to let it grow, the hair up top, as well, and he was typically pretty hairy bodily. In other words, his alias was a hairy guy and generally in winter clothes, covering most of himself. Zenovia had seen some of him, but not so much that she could detect him in his super suit, especially with a freshly shaven face and a body virtually identical to his Borya body available.

A lifeless clone. He didn’t want to activate the thing, knowing that it would be destroyed, but he also needed to make it like Borya was gone, by the end of this, lest stragglers try to find him whenever he didn’t wind up locked up like the rest. The set up would involve him calling an emergency meeting to say that he believed that agents were on to him and he would need all of them to take their product (whatever he might be providing to each of them) and move it.

Now, one might think that they would send goons, and he was willing to risk that happening because he had surveillance on everyone in the secret lair anyway, BUT, most of them had very sensitive orders that they would most likely want to be certain to get themselves and in the event that they didn’t, or found it suspicious, well… Max had gotten word that Kickbutt pulled Charlotte into Headquarters to work out contingency details with the logistics team. He let out a sigh of relief whenever Simone told him. That was more of a relief than the fact that Henry was on his way back. “Dude, I could kiss you and kill you, then kiss your corpse for what you put me through!” He heard Henry say as soon as he came through the portal. They hugged and Max said, “I’m glad you could make it. I’m not gonna lie, I haven’t worked with my siblings in a long time.”

“They’re gonna be here?” Henry asked, “Even your sister?”

“My very unavailable sister will be here. They were able to provide backup faster than I could get you back here and I didn’t want to take you away from Charlotte over the holidays…”

“Okay, LISTEN. If we live past this mission, this ends, alright? I can handle big boy hero things and Charlotte can handle big girl solo things, if something too terrible happens. We’re the team, now, you and me. DangerStrike and ThunderStrike, the Strike Force, and it’s time to strike these bastards.” They got into their costumes and left the door open so that their guests could wander to Borya’s lab and find him dead.

The place was surrounded by Billy, Nora, and Chloe. Phoebe was on the roof with Simone. Billy and Chloe had to be ready to run or teleport after escaping criminals. Simone and Phoebe were ready to kick butt and make arrests. Henry and Max would have the hard job of striking their targets as they came in and trying to make sure that they didn’t get out or make things look too suspicious as to scare away any of the others.

A couple of them hadn’t shown up but sent goons in their place, in both cases, Max reluctantly had to send a younger sibling with Hero League backup to retrieve them. Last, but not least, Zenovia showed up. She looked like she immediately realized that things were off. Phoebe and Simone had ten criminals unconscious and bound in the jet, but the mansion looked disheveled and the sounds weren’t the same. She wanted to flee, but had to see about Borya. Was he okay? She found his body and rushed away, in anguish, but was cut off by ThunderStrike. They immediately engaged in fighting and she was still quite the opponent, but she noticed something… his movements - how familiar they were and she stared at him, seeing his eyes, but nothing else familiar. “You played me,” it was a statement. Not a question. She laughed. “We’ll find out who you really are, and everyone that you love…” He punched her unconscious and she fell and hit her head against the stone railing. She was bleeding.

“Were… you trying to kill her?” Henry asked.

“No! Of course not… But…” He checked her pulse. She was alive, but she had hit her head pretty hard. “Thundergirl and Kicker can get her taken care of. I’m going to rendezvous with Pop Out. You’re with Turbo Toes.” Henry nodded and they each rushed to their emergency vehicles.

Dangerstrike had motorcycle and Thunderstrike, a hoverboard that was akin to jet surfing.

“Dangerstrike, do you copy?” Henry heard Charlotte ask.

“Go for Danger!”

“I’m going to send you an alternate route to get to where Turbo is. You have a very small window and they are shutting down traffic surrounding their lair. You two are gonna have to grab or kill your target and jet set it straight to Thunderstrike and Pop.”

“Copy that, Pagemaster!”

“Don’t call me… Actually… I like that.”

“Yeah, that was good.”

“Hey, just in case, I’m sorr…”

“No. We’re gonna talk it out later. Love you. Byeeeeee.”

Charlotte took a deep breath and then said, “Thunderstrike, do you copy?”

His heart leaped around in his chest and he said, “Thunder, at the ready.”

“Good luck… I love you.” He heard a chorus of “Ooooooooooooo”s in the background.

“See you soon,” he said and rushed to Chloe’s aid with a newfound excitement.

Charlotte was waiting with Hank and Barb, Piper, Jasper, Ray, and Schwoz in headquarters. They could see Phoebe and Simone, carrying in several Russian baddies. Then Nora, Billy, Chloe… And at the rear, Henry and Max, holding themselves, and each other up, but walking and alive. She rushed out of the area and ran over to them with Jasper right behind her. The others were sensible enough to wait. Charlotte leapt onto Max and he caught her, though he groaned when he did, because he’d taken quite a few beatings, but he’d be damned if he was going to let her go anytime soon.

Jasper stared incredulously and shook his head, “No regards for his safety. Come on, let’s get you to medical, stat.” He helped Henry in the direction that he needed to go. Charlotte found the floor with her legs and cried against Max’s super suit, standing on her own again, but not letting him go.

“Rough night?” He asked.

“I thought something terrible would happen and that it would be my fault,” she admitted in a shaky voice.

He rubbed her back and kissed her forehead. “I told you that I would see you soon. Maybe you oughtta listen to me next time,” he said and when she looked up at him he winked at her. She told him to shut up, then pulled him to kiss her and he knew that she had to be going through something, because she never liked to do stuff like that in front of strangers, much less in this professional setting. “As much as I want to do this all night long, I really should probably see medical,” he said. She snapped to and quickly went along with him to do so.

The Russian assignment was finally one of stationary protection, now that they had gotten the big shots out of the way, there were a lot of petty criminals trying to take on roles much too big for them.

The next few years, with the Strike Force taking care of things, Max didn’t feel the need for any bright ideas to be undercover, although he was meeting a lot of his favorite Russian scientists and even working with some.

Charlotte’s performance in the crisis was noticed by not only the Hero League, but acknowledged by the FBI, CIA, and some other alphabets that she didn’t even know existed. Max told her to market herself as freelance, not to take up any type of residence in any of those organizations - that way she could work and travel on her own time (and visit him in Russia when she didn’t have assignments). And… it was working out. They were both very busy in their separate careers, but they weren’t too busy and he wasn’t too hidden that they couldn’t talk regularly and see each other for special occasions.

Piper and Jasper had signed up for superhero sessions whenever they were at Headquarters, because, what the heck? They worked with them for a while, anyways. Maybe they could bet some perks or something if they took some classes. Piper wound up getting assigned to Billy and Nora for training and shadowing, while Max recommended that Henry was ready to take Jasper under his wing. “Are you sure, Dude? You think that I’ve learned all that there is to learn from you? Because like…”

“If you compare me to Ray Manchester, I swear I’m going to freeze you,” Max said. Henry shut up. It was cold enough without all of that.

“So, are you like my super grandpa?” Jasper asked.

“Don’t freeze him!” Henry warned Max.

The three bickered a little bit, up until the point that the monitor sounded, “Incoming call from the future Mrs. Thunderman…” Max smirked and told the others, “I’m gonna take that in my chambers.”

“Tell Char we said hi!” Jasper cheered.

Max opened the video call to see her radiant face, beaming with a smile and her eyes twinkling. He wanted to always see her like that. And the next time he saw her in person, he was going to get down on one knee and ask her if he could have the pleasure of doing so.

#Share a Lair #Henry Danger #The Thundermans #crossover #crossover fanfic #Nesha Crossover #Thundanger #Thunderbolt

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