#okay im hopefully actually done now. if i had literally anyone to text about this i would but because i don't it gets to be a post <3

[gb-patch]

Ask Answers: May 15th Part 1

It’s been longer than usual since our last answer session, so I’m answering a ton of questions today! It’s so big I split it into two parts. Thank you for the patience on getting a response to these.

Thanks for reaching out to us with your questions and kind words ^^!

Sorry if this has been asked before or isn't something you can say but is there anyway for Cove to confess in step 4? I wanted him to confess in step 3 and followed all the steps to make him do it but ended up texting my family instead of Cove at the end.

Yeah, Cove can confess in Step 4!

Hello! I heard that Cove is on the spectrum, albeit undiagnosed. As someone who is ND, this makes me UNBELIEVABLY happy. I literally was brought to tears! Thank you for that!

Out of curiosity, will Cove be diagnosed in Step 4? I have a strong feeling y’all won’t make it a HUGE deal/make it out to be negative, so I’m not worried about that whatsoever! I’m just curious just he’ll off handedly mention it? Or will it just not be touched upon at all (which is ok!)?

Either way is ok, I’m just curious!

I’m happy it made you happy! Admittedly, Cove simply being someone with autism that grew up not being diagnosed was something I included for myself. I didn’t really think anyone would notice or ask about it, aha. But players did start to have questions about his traits, so I started to talk about it outside of the game. It’s great to see it get such a positive response and now I do feel like having it be a non-topic may have been the wrong choice and bringing it up would’ve been good in terms of having positive representation for that. I don’t know if I’ll find a way to mention it in Step 4 now, with how far along the game is, but I am at least thinking about it when originally it wasn’t something I really even considered.

Hey!  Just wanted to say thank you for Our Life.  It's been a bright spot and a needed escape in what's otherwise been a crummy year.  I know you just did a Q&A post but I figured I'd ask anyway.  Was just curious about Step 4.  Will it be similar to the other Steps in that it consists of several different moments or will it just be one long sequence?

Step 4 is shorter than the prior Steps because it’s just an epilogue rather than a full arc of a story. It’ll consist of scenes that all happen in a set row one after the other. There won’t be a collection of Moments to choose from. But it’ll still be very sweet and fun.

¡hola!, you see, first I want to say that I love Our Life! (°◡°♡) and I have 2 important questions, would Cove cry watching titanic? and what is the saddest part according to him? (sorry for my english) 

Titanic would make him cry. He’d probably think the parts showing people who aren’t able to make it to the life boats/are choosing to stay and go down with the ship were the saddest.

Hello, I wanted to ask how much you earn with creating games? Like is it possible to make a living? Thank you >< <3 

How much I earn varies a lot month to month based on Steam sales, Patreon backers, and how many projects are in full production at the time. It’s also hard to say how much I make historically, since that also changes dramatically year by year. But I do earn enough to work on these games full time! I really appreciate all the support that allows me to do that.

Hey!! I was wondering for the 18+ Our Life moment, will there be an emphasis on safety/comfort for all involved? I feel like there  would be just going off of what the rest of the game is like, but I wanted to ask 

Yes! Cove is a nervous boy himself and also super cautious about doing anything the MC doesn’t like, so clear consent from both is absolutely needed for anything to happen. It’s a conversational sexy times Moment with stops/starts so the two can talk about how they’re feeling, rather than a heat of the moment just going for it kind of thing.

Hey!! I was wondering how long the wedding dlc would be? Will it be broken up into moments, or just one big event? 

It’s one long series of scenes all in a row rather than a collection of Moments to pick from. It’s the shortest and the least expensive of all the DLCs. It’s not super crucial to get and those who aren’t into big weddings can totally skip it without worry.

HELLO AMAZING DEVS 👋 i am hopelessly in love with the worst guy ever (jeremy king) and because of this i have a really stupid question: does he really hate people who are nice to him? TvT he’s too cute to be mean to istg it’s a miracle JB held the urge to be consistently nice to him bc just look at his FACE he is so cute! thank you for jeremy’s route it’s so lovely (and awful bc he’s scum 11/10) it gave me so much laughs LMAO i hope you guys have a good day!! 

Haha, thank you. He doesn’t hate them but he’s certainly not pleased with them. Jeremy is either uncomfortable with or annoyed by people being sweet on him, depending on how they approach it. He’s far more comfortable with jerkiness. It lets him relax and he can be himself without it being a problem, since he’s also a jerk. He feels a level of guilt being such a little punk to kind people, not enough to be a better person but still.

Has Cove dated or been interested in someone other than MC? 

Nope! He stays single over the course of the game if he’s not with the MC.

Is Step 4 more mature? Or it's gonna be set in similar atmosphere as Step 3? 

Step 4 is a similar atmosphere as Step 3. Though, it’s actually kind of less mature-topic heavy than Step 3 since it’s just a ‘hey, let’s check in on the gang to see what they’re up to’ style epilogue rather than a story arc with serious issues.

will there be new music for now and forever?? or will the old our life music be reused? 

It’s gonna be a brand new soundtrack. We’ll be opening up a job position for that soon.

Hi, is it okay if we use the assets in Our Life (like the sprites) for fanworks or fan content content, like edits? 

Sure! Just as long as you don’t use the assets made by those artists to make money.

Quick clarification on Step 3 choices: I hope I didn't come off rude (because I LOVE the game, really!!), I was just curious because the intro threw me off at times. For example, you could choose how you felt about Elizabeth in Step 2 (Dinner), but during the Step 3 intro, it says that you got closer to Liz and I didn't get a choice in it. 

For the example, it can’t be helped that you’re closer to Liz in Step 3 than you were in Step 2 because she’s inherently closer to the MC regardless of whether you liked her or not in Step 2. Her feelings are out of your control and the game isn’t so dramatic that you can push her affection away and not let her bond with you, haha. But ‘being closer’ can still be relative. For some people maybe that means you’re best buds now and for others it might just mean you’re not fighting all the time any more. If there’s other parts you want to mention, feel free to let us know.

Did the illustrator for Our Life change? 

We have many OL artists! The main artists who set the game’s style haven’t changed, but there’s multiple other artists who help finish assets.

So Miranda's type is confident and outgoing, huh? So...does that mean Terri's her type?? 👀 

Haha, sorry for the late reply on this. As you might’ve seen in our post yesterday- yeah that is her type.

Hey! First, I just want to say I've really enjoyed how detailed OL got with gender identity and sexuality and how respectful the topics were handled! It's been so wonderful to play since the experiences could be close to my own (I'd be lying if I said I didn't tear up at parts). Second, I was wondering, would future games explore the topic of polyamory? I'd love to see more visual novels allow room for that and I saw you've explored the topic before.

Keep up the amazing work! ♡

Thank you! We do want to include polyamory in at least some of our future projects. Floret Bond, which might be what you’re referring to when mentioning how we’ve explored the topic before, is on hold unfortunately. So right now I’m not sure when something might release or what will be the first game of ours to come out with poly relationships (we might do something else before FB is done). We’ll have see how things ends up coming together.

Hey um. I feel like im not allowed to ask this on the private discord cuz people will yell at me but why is there so much focus on OL2 and not finishing OL1 stuff? I like the new people but i kind of want to finish cove's story and get derek and baxter stuff first. didn't people pay for it? 

I’m sorry, I don’t understand entirely what’s making that situation a concern. There’s a channel in the discord for critique where no one is allowed to comment back. People can voice things they’re worried about without any way for others to push back on it. And the two teams working on the OL games are different. We try to post pretty often about how we’re hiring brand new people to start on Our Life: Now & Forever. The OL1 team is all still working on OL1 like normal. There’s only more updates on the Patreon for OL2 because the expansions to the first game are mostly script-based at this point while OL2 is just starting to get all its art, which means there’s a lot more to show off as previews.

Also, there was a Kickstarter for the first Our Life, if that’s what you mean by people paying for it. But one of the stretch goals was to start Our Life 2 early, before fully completing Our Life 1, so that the new game could be out sooner. It wouldn’t make sense to stop doing OL2 work because that would be going against what backers were promised. Maybe you didn’t get the full story before and hopefully this clears it up!

Hello! I know it's up to every player but.. What is your recommendation for playing order? Did you ever had any timeline  events planned? 

I didn’t make the events with a planned timeline. The events got made simply as I had ideas for them and then I just kind of organized them from left to right on the screen in an order to space out more dramatic ones between more lighthearted ones. Any order the player wants to go with is totally valid!

Hi! It's Step 4 a paid dlc or update? And how long it's planned to be? Ps. Love the game! 

The Step 4 epilogue is free! The Cove Wedding DLC does cost money, though. Those are planned to be shorter than the usual Steps/DLCs.

Will we have options for what sort of job the MC might have by the time step 4 takes place? 

Yeah, you can. It’s not super exact or detailed, but there are options about it.

Is there a pandemic in Our Life world, or is it just in a better timeline with no pestilence? 

Our Life is pandemic-free! That didn’t exist when we began working on the project and it’s not something we’d like to feature in this story now that it has unfortunately come along, aha.

Hi, you said that you can play tic-tac-toe or hangman with Cove in Boating if you're sick/scared but I keep getting tic-tac-toe. Am I doing something wrong?

After being sick/scared you have to continue to be upset/unwell. If you calm down and decide to just chill you’ll end up playing tic-tac-toe.

Hi, GB Patch! Since Lee was initially commissioned to only appear in two Steps does this mean she won't appear in the Wedding DLC? I really like her character so it'll be a little weird to not have our cousin at our wedding, aha.

She is gonna be in Step 4/the wedding DLC after all! We’re still working with her creator to make sure it fits with what they wanted.

Is Sunset Bird based on a real place? Asking for a friend, not trying to move there or anything. 👀

It’s based on small beach towns in So-Cal, but not one specific town you could go see in real life, I’m afraid. It’d be nice if it was real, though.

—– —– —– —–

We released a new FAQ! It answers common questions and we’ll keep adding more to it. Please check there before sending an ask. FAQ   Also, if you prefer to just see the main posts without all the asks/reblogs, feel free to follow our side account instead: GB Patch Updates Blog

[frogtanii]

It’s wind anon. I know I should react to the Kenma part, but I just went through the update, saw Meiko’s portion and I have feelings that I need to get out because I’m so far gone right now—

I swear, I can break down every single text what the flip is this BS. Meiko, dear, do you,,,have a concussion. Are you thinking. What,,, this is like the time you were underdressed at the restaurant and you ended up getting drunk as heck.

Okay, let’s do the breakdown.

Coming in hot, we see Meiko with “tooru!!!!!!” (Yes, I did count the number of exclamation marks) firstly, the usage of his first name after ‘exiled’ where she raged at him and used Oikawa instead... mood swing much because I cannot believe the audacity of this... and really. First name basis. Trying to be close and to get rid of animosity, but not offering up anything like “hey, I’d appreciate talking to you for a sec if you’re free?” Or an apology for blowing up at him because he did indeed have your back, it’s just that you were the one problem. But yes, the exclamation marks too. A bit childish, obvious excitement...mmmm, I’ll move on to the next section.

Oikawa’s “oh. hey meiko” shows that he really ain’t up for this. First is the obvious low energy. I don’t want to go into depth about that but the “oh” shows that he paused. He saw her message. He answered. And he didn’t expect her to talk to him. Especially with that sort of energy. Mixed feelings towards her. And his “hey meiko”. I would say he is one of the more energetic of the House. He probably would’ve done something like “meiko!!! <3” in response before or something like that. He’s a bit flashy in that regard. But no punctuation. Just a downtrodden “hey” in response.

“don’t sound so enthused” she says. I mean, at the very least it seems she understands and can grasp tone from messages? But I am like “it would be more surprising for him to be enthused? I’m in awe of how you were able to become so enthused after you got yourself crushed into pieces by YN...” Besides that, even if Meiko wasn’t physically hurt, a confrontation of this sort would not lead to anyone having a happy mood? Me glancing between Meiko and all the therapists that were mentioned before because I really hope that we can figure something out because she gives off so many different vibes I am like... “what even goes on inside her brain...”

“can you blame me? you yelled at me the last time i talked to you” and this is the truth. He shouldn’t be enthused. You yelled at him, you disregarded his concern and you showed that you didn’t care for him as a person. Even if there was a circumstance where she didn’t yell at Oikawa, he would reach out first and be concerned about her health. Meiko has no grounds to try and blame him for anything right now. Frankly, I don’t think Oikawa should have even bothered answering her because I don’t think he is in the best place emotionally to deal with her.

“im so sorry sweetheart!!!! i didn’t mean it :(” lemme just day, wind anon cannot believe the BS that this message is. First, she says she is sorry. But really? Really. I can’t even look at her. Look, I don’t know what it is but “I’m so sorry.” Has the weakest apology energy. “I’m sorry.” Fine, decent, the classic and simplest. “I’m really sorry.” Also good! Shows regret. “I’m so sorry.” Sounds like you when you just learn that a person’s family member has passed away. There is something about “I’m so sorry” that doesn’t sound sincere to me and it’s infuriating. Next, the “sweetheart” I might’ve gagged a bit internally. Does she,,, talk like that? Normally? Is that a thing? She’s younger than him...and I don’t know but sweetheart sounds so condescending I literally can’t even— and finally, the “I didn’t mean it” yeah, well, you don’t mean anything because everything you say is BS that’s what you mean. Stop excusing your behavior. There is no merit behind it.

“you know i was just beat up and i couldn’t control what i was saying”. Okay, let’s break this down too. First, trying to incur sympathy by the “I was just beat up.” I cannot believe this gal. And the “you know” for a reference to a person’s knowledge of the matter, it lets them be more susceptible to beliefs. But the “I couldn’t control what I was saying” is complete utter hogwash. I mean, Meiko can’t control any bit of her because she is just impulse. But she excused her inability to control herself by saying it was because she was just beat up.

I don’t know what to say for the next portion. Alone, it’s cute, but put into perspective it’s just manipulation and she doesn’t love him. I’ll just move on.

“what do you need that you can’t ask iwa-chan?” Okay, so he didn’t reciprocate with an “I love you too” so that just shows what type of mood and how effective her words were. It also shows that she always messaged Oikawa when she needed something, because he caught on super quick to that. The “Iwa-chan” is interesting though. I wanna know if Oikawa talks to Iwaizumi after this conversation with Meiko because she is clearly going behind his back right now.

“oh well hajime is being very rude rn. he won’t let me leave my room!!!!” Okay, he had best interests at heart and Meiko...I know every single one of your rooms has a bathroom too. They’re bringing you food. They are letting people go into your room. Meiko, you wouldn’t have lasted quarantine if you’re this petulant now. It’s literally going to be like, 3 days max if you work to get an actual solution. I don’t want to break this down, I feel this is self explanatory. She feels entitled still.

“i know, it’s for your own good” he replies, and that is true but I am also of the belief that it is (hopefully) better for the rest of the house to not be in contact with her so I guess that’s that. Anyway, this shows Oikawa placating her, next

Meiko...being...not pretty. “ugh!!! but i wanna go out!!!!!!” Yeah, she would not have been able to be safe throughout the pandemic. Please,,, you’ll have fresh air if you open up a window,,, I know for certain you don’t exercise,,, please Meiko, shut up already you are making yourself look like more of a pile of garbage than you depict yourself as please I cannot handle the idea that the guys fell for this act—

“you have a black eye babe” okay, the black eye is actually Tooru trying to refer to knowledge that she has. As in, she should be trying to rest and get better right now. (Just curious, who treated her? For the injuries? She raged at Iwaizumi and Oikawa so maybe Daichi?) the babe gives off the placating vibe to me, still low energy, not very affectionate, but it’s there so I’m like “hm”.

“so??? omg are you calling me ugly tooru???????” Well...he didn’t call you ugly. But I might? Because you have the ugliest personality of everyone here. But also, shifting blame onto him. Gosh, I give Oikawa some water. He’ll get a migraine from this.

“of course not. i would never”. Low energy, not elaborating, I think he sees that she is trying to manipulate him, or at the very least he isn’t going to play that particular game. But actually, he runs a fashion channel on YouTube. We know Bokuto runs a fitness one and his header message was something along the lines of everyone’s bodies are beautiful, so chances are Oikawa has the same sort of idea for his channel too. He may criticize fashion, but he would never criticize the people wearing it or the people who made it in a mean way. He would be respectful, and he lets people do what they wish because it’s their choice. I mean, there has to be a reason why Meiko’s fashion is how it is—he doesn’t intrude on matters that aren’t his to intrude upon.

Okay, Meiko. I’m gonna stop trying to format the messages exactly how they are, autocorrect is making my time with them a bit too much, but she says she wants him to take her with him. Okay, starting off, you are really under the belief that he will take you on to a trip he has planned when he didn’t invite you in the first place? Pushy... but yes, her petulance again... me flicking water at her, “you got super drunk because you were underdressed at a fancy restaurant and now you have a face that looks like roadkill, how much do you want to embarrass yourself before you get turned into a pariah?”

Oikawa not knowing how she knows that is clear concern. Someone knowing your schedule when it’s none of their business and not public knowledge is major red flag. The “uh” shows that he is clearly taken aback. The ellipses shows that he doesn’t know what to think.

Okay, Meiko—she is actually able to notice something??? Good golly gee, I am baffled by how she did that when everything else she does is on fire. But the consistency probably gave it in. She may have been looking for him at one point, noticed he was out, and saw the pattern then. But actually, wouldn’t she be good at noticing the patterns of the guys so that she always knows which one to go to and use? Thoughts.... but I’m curious about the fact she said the “same group of absolute losers”. I highly doubt they always go and meet up directly in eye view of the house? Chances are they meet up at a bar or something? This potentially could be a thing where Meiko was stalking them? It would be interesting if she saw them while she was out as well—and if yahaba and kyoutani noticed her around before too. Also, her saying “you ain’t slick” like,,, Meiko, have you looked into a mirror. Can you see.

Oikawa defending his friends, we stan. Let’s move on though: “they’re so much younger than you?? and yahaba is def not cute lmao” me, doing like the... monkey meme where they look away because I am just like??? Meiko, you’re younger than Oikawa. I bet Yahaba and Kyoutani are your age. And anyone younger than you is a loser huh? That’s why you look at Bokuto and YN like they are dirt beneath your feet. (And Yes, I do remember that you put Bokuto and YN as the babies of the house, this reoccurrence is very well done). And she went and insulted Yahaba directly like...you’re talking to his friend? What are you doing? Excuse me? I beg your pardon?

And the ellipses strike again— and Oikawa is fishing for information because we have seen him—he listens to logic. And Meiko... her emojis... wind anon be flicking more water at her, she is too much. Also. Kyoutani. She is calling Kyoutani cute. This was the message that made wind anon start this long analysis. Kyoutani, cute? Listen. Kyoutani would take one look at this parasite hanging off his arm with her swollen black eye that was slathered with makeup and her lacking clothing sense, before looking at Oikawa who would be so haggard by then, and then Kyoutani would force her off his arm before grabbing Oikawa and running off with Yahaba following them. There is no way at all Kyoutani would involve himself with Meiko. I refuse to believe he would go for her.

Okay, the two messages after about wingmanning—I don’t want to do a large scale analysis of it. Oikawa really is shown to have good sense for Meiko’s intentions. His intuition is good. And we know that he cares and respects his friends and he focuses on their capabilities. He knows them. Meiko is just...childish in the worst of ways.

“You don’t see the issue with this”. Oikawa really digging in his feet. First, he wished to be in a relationship with Meiko. And here she is, asking for him to wingman to get her together with one of his friends, who may not even like her—and I bet that if it doesn’t go well, she would blame Oikawa for it like really—but I give Oikawa more water for the migraines Meiko induces.

“What?? It’s not like we’re actually together lol”. The laugh out loud at the end really shows how much of a joke she sees this as. She sees him as a joke. And she just crushed all his efforts and actions to try and get into a relationship. And actually...will Meiko ever get into a relationship with another? She has no loyalty. She definitely wouldn’t have ever got into a dedicated relationship with one of the guys. And she would be the type to get upset if they slept around, wouldn’t she? A hypocrite.

“Ugh don’t be like that!!! I’m sure you sleep around too!!” Okay, she is trying to defend herself while also potentially blaming him if he does. It’s just manipulation...I’m gonna move on...

Oikawa’s just done and his “I don’t” holds a lot of emotion. But Meiko’s response back I don’t believe at all. “Oh well that’s your fault, I don’t really give a sh*t if you sleep around hehe!!!” First, blaming him for his choice of only choosing you??? And I highly doubt the second part because she is shown to throw blame and ditch people for negligible reasons—I have no trust towards her words. I do not believe her. I believe she would care. I believe she would blow up at the guy before leaving him.

“Of course you don’t” And there is the utter doneness. He has given up on Meiko in this message. He doesn’t care anymore. He was already not in the mood for her when she first messaged him, he doesn’t want to see her at all anymore. He’s given up.

“So you get it!! Perfect!!!!” Please, wind anon has written so much already, her eyes are sweating everytime she has to look at Meiko being like this hhhhh. “I’ll be ready at like 9pm? Come by my room!! Actually no I’ll come by yours” and her usage of emoji. Get her away from me and everyone in PF. She’s toxic. Send her off with hazardous waste. Also, she deliberately changed from her room to coming by his. She is cutting off him so he has to go with her, he can’t just sneak out and not wait at her room (though she did offer a time so he could just go out now and ditch her presence completely). But it would be amusing if he did something like lock his door, (either after he’d go out or if he wold leave through window) and she would just be there waiting all decked out in her clothes and makeup pounding on his door. He wouldn’t answer and the others would see her out of her room (a misdemeanor). And then she would have to make an excuse. But it would be hard...because Oikawa has text evidence of Meiko going against Iwaizumi to just play like this.

“And if I say no?” Says Oikawa, who is testing the waters—very smart. We approve. “You won’t.” She replies, because she is terrible and we hate her controlling, manipulative, abusive self and we would all fight her. And she ends it off with a “great!! see you then!” Because she has to have her way and the last say.

Okay, wind anon is done

Completely. Utterly done with the analysis and reaction for that. Might not get to Kenma and YN analysis because I went off in this one but just know I appreciate it and I’ll try to get to it—just,,,not today.

I hope Oikawa sends these screenshots to like, Iwaizumi at the very least but it would be even better if he just drops it in a group chat with Daichi and Osamu instead and asks them to keep an eye on her for “her own safety” and ask her to stay in her room. She’s too daring and if she blows up on him after, he will receive more evidence of her being terrible. And of course, he’s smart. He’ll definitely block her number when he doesn’t want to bother with her anymore. Okay, wind anon is ending here. The ask is too long. I think it’s the longest ask I’ve ever sent. I wish you well fr0ggy. I hope your sleep is pleasant and you wake up very rested and refreshed!

WOO LONG POST!!!! i cannot nearly respond to all this!!!! but!!!! i am in Awe??? text by text???? i love this????? ur so amazing i <3 u

[bisluthq]

this is like really random but i have to vent. so basically i’m 20 years old and in my second-year at a uk university. and like i had the worst first-year of my life, made no friends, and got long covid plus really bad depression so yeah it wasn’t great. and now im back at uni i just am really feeling my lack of experience. iv never even properly kissed anyone let alone had sex and all the drinking games etc revolve around sex. i’m pretty sure i’m bi just like based on what i masturbate to but i’v only ever looked at guys as potential relationships. i just like don’t know how to navigate the social world with no friends and no sexual experience, it just feels impossible. and all my friends from home (1 of which is at uni with me) have boyfriends or at least have had sex. and also clubbing feels totally revolved around sex and kissing. it’s really hard to admit to people that i’m a virgin because people assume i’m a prude or a weirdo when i’m not i just haven’t really had the opportunity. i’m just feeling like such a loser atm. oh aaaand i actually really want a boyfriend rn.

Firstly, this is totally normal and nothing to be ashamed of. There’s no timeline for these things.

Secondly, so this is going to be a long winded Agony AuNat but sometimes I think my best ones are. In a way, this reminds me of a friend I had like 20-21 at uni. Basically we became friends because I caught her forum role playing and I was like “lmaoooo I used to do that too!” and we like bonded over it and like very quickly I began realizing that she did it on the kinds of sites me and my online friends laughed at because they weren’t ⚡️aesthetic⚡️ or sexy. Like this was some high fantasy bullshit lol - no offense also cool - on like ProBoards when we were already in the Jcink era. Anyway no biggie. This girl - a horse girl at 20 still and not in the rich bitch way - proceeded to like… idolize me and obvi y’all know how much I like attention so I loved it. And one night she asked me for advice on how to get kissed because she had been like… really wanting to lose her virginity but things just weren’t happening. I proceeded to give the worst advice ever because I too was just a young un. I said “don’t worry it’s gonna happen for you!!! Like I’m sure your crush likes you!! Don’t stress you’re so pretty and sweet!” And I believed I was saying the right stuff and it comforted her ngl so I was like 👏🏻👏🏻 go Nat you’re the best at giving advice.

Except here’s the problem - it still wasn’t happening. She was going to parties with me and I was like dressing her sluttier like some weird teen romcom movie where I was giving her a makeover and like… no one was biting.

And then - for those who remember the Nat Cinematic Universe - it turned out that rando from my 21st who I randomly fucked? Ya dudes that was her crush lol and she hadn’t told me because she thought I’d figure it out lol and she was mad at me and we sorta stayed friends until I fucked that guy’s friend which was nbd to anyone involved because my bestie fucked him and tbh I fancied the friend because he was this average sized weedy dark haired boy who was very weird looking and she exploded at me and called me a slut and shit and that was that, friendship over.

Unsure what happened next, but the reason I’ve given you this backstory is from my current POV I gave extremely bad advice so I’m gonna try correct with you tonight.

Unless you’re in high school when friends of friends can go between people and say you have a crush, and then you text them and like bam you’re exclusive, you have to work to get ass or make friends. Okay the other exception is if you’re like SUPER hot idk about that life, but tbh probs even then. Life isn’t a teen movie, and you’re not gonna just catch someone’s eye and that’ll be that. Dressing nicely might be part of it, doing your hair and makeup in whatever style you want, and making it clear up front - especially at uni when imo branding™️ matters a lot - what your interests are and such shit all factor in. I’m not saying change who you are because again that’s supremely bad advice: figure out who you are. Figure out what you want to wear (experiment!), who you want to talk to (strike up convos on campus!), what you like doing (try things out!) and - most importantly - what you’re comfortable with. Try drinking - and if you don’t like it, don’t do it. Try flirting - and if you don’t like it, know that you can go from friends to this and not everyone enjoys that. Try clubbing - and if you don’t like it, know that there are a ton of societies you can join on campus and campus events you can go to that don’t revolve around that, so seek those out and find your tribe.

Fundamentally, college is what you make of it.

Which means that like unfortunately my dude, you’ll make a fool of yourself. Probably more than once.

But know that friends won’t manifest and boys won’t manifest unless you make an effort and put yourself out there. Ask people to coffee. Ask people to the pub. Girls, boys, enbies, whoever.

Re the anxiety about “never having done this before” - I think that’s totally normal. But also like lots of other people haven’t and everyone has had a first time. In drinking games you can lie lol. You don’t need to advertise it’s your first time for anything if you’re uncomfortable with it. I didn’t tell my first kiss he was my first kiss lol because it was unnecessary info for him tbh (it wasn’t hs boyfriend even tho I’m pretty sure I was his lol but he was my third 😌).

But you also don’t need to be shy about it because honestly 2nd year uni is so fucking young. It’s not like you’re coming to me as a 40 year old virgin and asking for advice (again no timeline but I’m not there yet so maybe not the right person to give it). Most of the people you’re hanging out with haven’t had a ton of sexual experience either lmao. On my 20th birthday I had been with exactly two people, my Angel boyfriend (in hindsight) hs ex and the Rabbi’s son (literally no one’s Angel boyfriend but hopefully he and his tiny dick are married now and Mazels if so) who I fucked a few days after we broke up to prove a point. I was a bad lay (and remain so with guys unless they’re into The Hiddles Experience, not for lack of opportunities, but because we don’t have to master all things). I also - unlike you - had never masturbated. I’d never had an orgasm. I liked sex with hs ex but couldn’t explain what I liked or why, it was just fun sometimes and other times it wasn’t. (In hindsight with clit action it was fun and with pure thrusting it wasn’t). So the fact that you have wanked already gives you a head start over many of the girls guys will be meeting.

So like… figure out what’s comfortable for you. Try different things out. Walk away when you don’t like it. Never do stuff that goes against your values. Don’t be overly shy in ways that wind up making you uncomfortable, like with the story that started this, and don’t expect these things to happen if you make no effort. That applies to friendships and ass alike. And sometimes what you think will be ass will turn into friendships and sometimes what you think will be friendship will turn into more. Let it. That’s what uni’s for.

Final point: try reduce the pressure of having a boyfriend. It’s fine if it happens, but since as you say you’re not a prude, it’s fine if it doesn’t. It will eventually. Try go into encounters with the open mindedness of “this could be ass, this could be friendship, this could be more” and like clear eyes full hearts can’t lose tbh.

Final final point: join societies. Join all the societies. The best way to both get ass and make friends and make friends discussing the ass you’re getting is by joining societies.

Good luck, hope this helped, love you lots and enjoy this year and the next (and beyond if you choose Honours or postgrad).

[capcarolsdanver]

Hanahaki

Request: hi, i love ur writing! could you maybe write a hanahaki au with reader x brie larson? (with a happy ending iM SOFT)

Pairing: Brie x Reader

A/N: Hey! I’m back!! Ok let’s be real I had to google what the hanahaki disease was because I’d literally never heard of it.. With that in mind, I hope what I’ve written is okay as this is my first experience writing/reading a story featuring it. Feedback as usual is always appreciated!

Please do not repost my writing anywhere without my permission.

You and Brie have been best friends for years. In fact, you’re so close that you’ve even attended several different award shows with her when she’s chosen not to bring a date. Whenever she does have a date to an event, or a partner in general, you do have to admit you feel something, though you weren’t sure exactly what to call it.

Through every one of her relationships though, Brie always knocks on your door when things go wrong, and you always feel a little guilty because of how glad you feel about her breakups. And it’s not like she ever neglects your friendship or doesn’t spend time with you when she’s in a relationship, but it just feels different when she isn’t dating anyone.

Obviously Brie has a busy schedule, so over the years you’ve gotten used to there being certain periods where she isn’t around so much. Right now, though, you haven’t seen Brie in about 3 months and you can’t even describe how much you miss her.

You’re sitting on your couch watching some tv when your phone rings, and you look at the screen to see that Brie is Facetiming you. You smile, quickly running a hand through your hair before you answer.

“Hey!” You say when Brie’s beaming face appears on your screen.

“Hey! I missed you and I’ve got a few minutes so I just wanted to see your face,” she rushes out, and you smile at her words.

“You’re a dork.”

“Yeah, but you love me anyways,” Brie shrugs with a cheesy grin on her face and you have to duck your head a little to cover the blush that suddenly covers your face without your control.

“How much longer until I see you?” You ask her, effectively changing the subject.

“Not much longer now. Another six weeks and we’re done filming.” You nod, quietly arguing in your head that six weeks actually does seem like too long, when a man approaches from behind Brie. He taps her on the shoulder and smiles at her.

“We’re heading back to set now.”

Oh, okay. Thanks,” she replies to him warmly and you narrow your eyes slightly at their interaction as the man nods and walks away.

“Who’s that?” You can’t help but ask and Brie looks back at you through her screen.

“Oh, that’s one of the sound guys. I’m pretty certain he’s got a thing for me.” She speaks casually and you feel a pang in your chest at the smile she wears on her face. “Okay, I’ve gotta go. Talk later?”

“Yeah, of course.”

You both say your goodbyes and when Brie hangs up you drop your phone on the couch next to you, completely lost in your thoughts.

Suddenly you feel a scratch at your throat and you try to clear it, but instead end up coughing, bringing your hand to cover your mouth.

When you move your hand away, you panic at the sight of a single flower petal resting in your palm. You look at it for a long moment, not really believing your eyes, before throwing the petal in the trash and trying your best to brush it off. You’ve been pretty stressed out lately so you probably just imagined it, or so you try to convince yourself.

------------------------

When you wake up in a coughing fit the next morning, you can’t even try to deny what you’re seeing as two more flower petals land in your palm. You really begin to panic now, grabbing your phone from your bedside table and bringing Google up to try to find out what the hell is happening to you.

Looking through your search results, you see several of the same answer. 'Hanahaki disease’. It’s something you’ve never heard of before, and the more you read about it the more it scares you. A condition that can occur when someone feels unrequited love. Flowers growing in the lungs. Unless the love is returned, or at least when the victim believes the love is returned, the disease can take the life of the person suffering from it.

You still have a hard time believing a disease like this can exist, but that scratch in your throat returns and you cough up yet another petal. You try to process all of the information you’ve just learnt, and you know there’s only one person that you love.

You didn’t realise you’d fallen so hard for Brie, but obviously you had. You make the decision then to not tell her. You’re sure she won’t return your feelings and you don’t want her to pity you.

So, you continue talking to her while she’s gone as if nothing is wrong. And every time you see that same sound guy appear near Brie whenever the two of you FaceTime, you lose just a little more hope. She doesn’t mention him to you at all, which you find somewhat surprising, but you just carry on as if everything is fine.

Your symptoms seem to progressively get worse as the weeks go by. You notice an almost constant scratching in your throat which you struggle to soothe, and when you cough up more flower petals, they’re often covered in drops of blood. You start to feel a constricting kind of tightness in your chest too as the flowers continue to grow inside your lungs.

When Brie is done filming, you head to the airport to pick her up. The moment you see each other, Brie grins and runs to you, meeting you with a strong embrace. You can’t help the wince you let out as she knocks the wind out of you and your lungs ache. Brie notices and is immediately pulling back.

“Sorry, did I hurt you?” She gets a good look at your face and her smile is quickly replaced with a look of concern. “Y/N, what happened? Are you sick?”

Over the weeks you’d watched yourself become paler and paler, deep dark circles forming under your eyes, so you know exactly what Brie is seeing and you know you can’t really hide any of it from her.

“Yeah, I’m okay,” you say, ducking your face away from her gaze a little. “I’ve just been a little under the weather the last couple weeks.” She looks you over before nodding and the both of you leave the airport.

You don’t ask about the sound guy and Brie still doesn’t mention him, so you aren’t sure whether to take that as a good sign or not.

------------------------

It’s been about a week since Brie’s return, and you find yourself lounging on your couch in your apartment feeling a little sorry for yourself. You’re ashamed to admit that you’d been avoiding Brie since she’d come home, trying to hide your illness from her for as long as possible.

You lift your head from where you’re lying on the couch when you hear a sound at your door and a few seconds later Brie walks in and stops in front of you, surveying you.

“Hey, I texted you. Did you not get it?”

“I don’t know, I haven’t checked my phone,” you mumble, dropping your head back to the couch. Brie watches you for a few long moments before walking to the couch and making your move your legs before she sits down and lets you rest them across her lap.

“Okay, well I wanted to see if you’d come on a hike with me.” She smiles hopefully at you and you let out a sigh.

“Brie, I don’t think I’m feeling up to it today.” Her smiles drops into a pout and her hands land on your legs.

“Please,” she begs, offering her best puppy dog eyes.

And really, how are you supposed to say no to her when she looks at you like that? That’s one of the reasons why you got in this mess in the first place. So you grumble as you get up from the couch and get changed out of your pyjamas.

------------------------

You just had to agree to go on a hike with the one person you were trying your hardest to keep your secret from, didn’t you? Of course you knew it was a bad idea. You just didn’t realise it would get thrown back in your face so quickly.

You’re not even that far into your hike yet but your lungs burn like nothing you’ve ever felt before. You fight the overwhelming urge to cough, leaving the hiking trail so you can stop for a moment. You reach a tree and rest your weight on it, trying to steady your breaths.

Brie is quick to follow you. She places a soothing hand on your back and tries to get a look at your face.

“I guess you really weren’t up for this today, huh?”

You’re still trying to catch your breath when you feel that familiar tickle in your throat and panic fills your body as you turn away from Brie. You can’t hold back your coughs any longer, and Brie watches in shock as petal after petal falls from your mouth.

“What the hell?” You hear from beside you. “Y/N, I think you need to go to the hospital. Come on, I’ll take you.” Brie’s words come out in a rush and her hand reaches your arm to lead you back down the hiking trail before you stop her.

“Brie, stop. It’s okay,” you say weakly.

“It’s okay?!” She says in complete disbelief, the expression on her face matching her words. “Y/N, you just coughed up literal flower petals.”

You know there’s no way to avoid telling her now. You have no choice. You let out a defeated sigh.

“If you take me home I’ll explain what’s going on.”

------------------------

“Hanahaki disease,” Brie repeats. She paces across the room, the same action she’s been doing since you told her about your illness, and watch her from where you’re seated on the couch.

“So we need to just make sure whoever you love returns that love, right? Who is it?”

“Brie, I’m not going to tell you. It doesn’t matter, anyway. I have a feeling there’s not really a chance my love will be returned.”

Brie stops pacing to look at you.

“You’re crazy if you believe that,” she mutters. “We have to at least try, Y/N.”

You stubbornly shake your head at her. “It’s not gonna happen,” you get out before you break into a coughing fit. Brie rushes to your side and gently rubs your back in an attempt to comfort you. By the time you finish coughing your hands are full of flower petals, which you drop into the small trash can you’d moved next to the couch when you were lazing there earlier in the day.

“You see what it’s doing to you?” Brie says, distress lacing her words. You use some hand sanitiser and take a generous drink of water from a glass before Brie grabs one of your hands.

“I can’t lose you.” You look up at her and see tears forming in her eyes. “You mean too much to me.” You hold eye contact with Brie for a long moment, her fierce emotion honestly taking you a little by surprise. You think you imagine it when her eyes fall to your lips for a second, but then she can’t seem to control herself as she leans forward to meet your lips with hers.

She kisses you with passion, purpose, and most importantly love and you feel your heart beat faster as you pull back from Brie. You look at her with wide eyes as you feel the tightness in your lungs begin to fade, the roughness of your throat soothing a little and your eyes swell with tears.

“Oh my god,” you breathe out and Brie must take it the wrong way as she pulls away from you completely.

“I’m sorry. I just ruined everything, didn’t I?” She speaks in a panic and tries to stand from the couch before you grab her arm, keeping her planted in her spot next to you.

“Are you kidding? You just saved my life,” you tell her, shock mixing with glee. Brie blinks at you a few times.

“I did?” She asks nervously and you nod at her, a shocked laugh escaping you. You grab at Brie, pulling her close to you again and leaning in.

“Wait,” you say before your lips can meet hers again. “What about the sound guy?”

Brie’s brows furrow in confusion. “What sound guy?” She asks, and the tightness in your chest completely fades.

“Never mind,” you say. You shake your head slightly at yourself before smiling shyly at Brie, finally closing the distance between the two of you again.

[comicsnas]

showtime

WARNING: eye gore!!, violence Disclaimer: this is..... an au where guy fieri isnt a cool and chill dude that just likes food. i am very sorry for what i do to him in this. i dont mean it and if the cops knock at my door i will blame it on hussie word count: about 3.7k. i am so sorry

context john gets kidnapped by his mom dave doesnt panic

Los Angeles, CA, Wednesday

“No matter what happens, nobody cancels the premiere,” you say. “Okay? No matter what’s in the news. No matter how bad it gets. The movie drops on Thursday, and people are gonna watch it. Got it? This is a scare tactic and we’re not falling for it. Even if the world is ending, we are premiering this movie and going through with the promo. With or without me.”

Catalena, your manager, has been with you for too long to think that you’re joking. She was who flew you in from Houston to LA back when you were twenty, who let you sleep on your couch until you made enough money to get an apartment, who thought that the message you had for the world was one worthy of her help. She knows that all of this is real, and that she can’t stop you.

Her face says, Dave, you’re scaring me. Her mouth says, “You got it. Could you at least tell me… what you think is going to be in the news that would make us not premiere it?”

“Something bad,” you say. “Hopefully, anyway.”

She tilts her head. “Are you faking your death?”

“Lalonde and I are gonna disappear for a sec,” you say. “How people interpret that is gonna be up to them.”

“Not like you to leave things up to chance,” Catalena says. “Some will think it’s elaborate PR.”

“That’s why I’m only telling you. Lalonde and I are gonna frame this to look serious, and no one else is gonna know what’s going on. You keep your cool, but don’t let anyone know that you’re in on it.”

“I mean, I barely am.” She gives you a Look, a capital L Look, then sighs and nods. “Fine. So if I hear about your presumed death tomorrow, I won’t freak out. At what point am I allowed to assume you are actually dead, and freak out a little bit?”

“If you don’t hear from me in a week,” you say, “then Lalonde and I have been killed by Betty Crocker.”

Houston, TX, twelve years ago

You’re blind.

That’s not true. You’re not blind. You don’t think you are going to be blind. There is no way that you’re fully blind, because the assassin only got your right eye, so it doesn’t make sense for you to be blind, but you’re blind.

The pain might originate from your right eye, but it’s engulfing your entire head by now, and there is something sticky in your left eye and you can’t open it anymore and it burns, and you’re going to go blind, and then you’re going to die in a ditch, in a pool of your own blood, and this is it. It’s over. You and your half sister fucked around on the internet a bunch, got really deep into some conspiracy theories, and barely two weeks after you made the discovery that Betty Crocker definitely, undoubtedly, literally is an actual alien, someone was sent to kill you.

They didn’t manage, so far. They got your eye, and they broke your glasses, leaving a cut on your nose, and a bunch of cuts everywhere else, and you think you cracked your head open when you fell. But you cut their knife hand off, good and clean off, watched it fall to the ground right in front of you. By the time it hit the pavement, the assassin had already turned around and ran away, leaving you to crumple and suffer here by yourself.

This is it.

“Strider?” Rose says. Before the blood trickling into your good eye ruined your vision, you managed to dial her number and call her up, and now you’re lying on your side with your phone pressed to your ear, imagining her in her college dorm room in New York. You were going to visit her there, years ago, after you ran away from your parents. It never worked out. Neither of you has the money. You really wish you could have seen her at least once.

“Yeah,” you croak. “You at home?”

“At the dorm, yes. What’s going on?”

“You gotta go. She sent someone after me, she’s gonna come for you too. If she knows that I know, she’ll know that you know.”

One of the most comfortable parts of friendship with Rose, you’ve found, is that she never asks you to clarify what the fuck you’re talking about. Either she just lets you ramble, or she knows exactly what you mean. “Shit,” she hisses, and you can hear rustling on her side of the line, hopefully from her getting ready. She probably has a getaway bag somewhere, you think. You have one, but not on you right now. It’s too late for that.

“They’ve already hit me, so whoever she sent to you can’t be far,” you say. You try to blink your eye open, but then it hurts the other more, and it burns. You can’t even tell where exactly. It just burns. “Hurry up, Lalonde.”

“They’ve hit you?” she echoes, still rustling, breathing into the phone. On the move. Good. “Are you okay?”

“No,” you say. “Gonna call an ambulance after this. Just get the fuck out and text me later, yeah?”

Rose pauses. You can hear her pause, you can hear everything go very silent for a second. She says, “You called me before you called for help?”

“Yeah,” you say. She told you, once, that there is a quick and easy way out the window of her second-storey dorm room, that lets her balance over to her girlfriend’s room only a few windows ahead. She can’t hide there, it’s too close, but it’s a start. She’ll figure it out, she always will. She was the first person to ever have your back. “Of course I did.”

On a plane, Thursday morning

“What’s on your mind?” Rose asks.

You’re leaned back, staring out the window, listening to the clicking of her knitting needles next to you. The pilot here doesn’t know who he’s dealing with, just that he is flying two rich people and their car to Washington, DC. Your Mustang is in the cargo part of the plane, a vital part of the plan. You’ll torch it later. It was the first car you bought with your own money, after SBaHJ had become big and you had finally paid off your hospital debt.

Rose’s apartment isn’t that old, she got it after Roxy was born and she decided to move to Los Angeles, so you could help each other babysit. Trashing it still felt wrong. A home is a home, but you wanted it to look broken into, to make sure that people put two and two together. This isn’t a Dave Strider marketing scheme, you both got hit. After all the work that you’ve done, at least some of the public should understand what that means.

“Us,” you say.

“That’s very sentimental,” she says. “Are you sure you aren’t mourning your car again?”

“Shut up,” you say, and blindly swat at her, hitting her elbow. She hits you back, hand slapping your shoulder. “It’s a good car.”

Rose hums. When you look at her, she’s already back to knitting. You have no idea what she’s making, but it looks like a onesie for an octopus. “We will be fine,” she says. “We have to.”

You nod, and go back to staring out the window, thinking about what Alma said. “It’s just,” you say quietly. “We gotta start thinking about the endgame, here, don’t we.”

“Start?” Rose echoes. “Dave, we know the endgame to this. We’ve known for a while. The second you landed in the hospital with a cut inside your eyeball, you and I both knew that this would end in death.”

You don’t say anything. She’s right, of course she is. You knew then, and she knew, as soon as you texted her from your hospital bed, and she texted you back from a Greyhound bus. And you tried to forget, you both did, for a very long time. You almost managed, for a whole decade, until last year, someone made you scared and angry enough to ram a sword through his throat. Until Rose came and disassembled the body on your rooftop, and then helped you burn it. Reality has caught up with you, and someone is going to die.

The clicking of her needles has stopped again. You turn your head to look at her, and she’s looking back at you, and her face seems younger than it should be. She is just as scared as you are. Neither of you ever wanted it to go this far. Neither of you wanted to kill.

“I don’t like it either,” Rose says. “But someone is going to wind up dead, and it sure as shit isn’t gonna be us.”

Washington, DC, now

)(IC: u comin or what TG: yeah about that

You’re on the hood of your car. The children -- and Sally, John’s pet hedgehog -- are with the one sitter you still trust. Rose is in position, which means she is at a remote location outside the city holding Guy Fieri hostage. She has sent you a picture of him tied to a chair and gagged, which means that it’s go time.

All according to plan.

TG: how about you come kill me somewhere else instead of home sweet home )(IC: why would i do that TG: dying mans last request? )(IC: stfu lol this is so obviously a trap TG: wow ok so is yours )(IC: fair TG: just thought that you know TG: john means something to both of us and dont try to tell me no because i know he does TG: so like can we maybe duke it out somewhere where i wont accidentally blow him to smithereens TG: innuendo intended )(IC: UG)( )(IC: gross TG: lmao TG: anyway bethany you know me and you know im comin with c4 in my backpack if im comin TG: do you really want that around your son or can you just get off your ass and meet me here so john stays safe )(IC: u reely think ya have a fighting chance to even get that far )(IC: buoy you set one foot in my house and ya get spearfished TG: yeah not really making a great point for me to come there rn TG: just thought maybe youd wanna be with your guy guy )(IC: who TG: you know TG: guy the guy )(IC: tf

You text her the picture that Rose sent, just Guy Fieri looking miserable, no indication of whether or not you or Rose are with him.

)(IC: )(-EY )(IC: motherglubber what do u think yoar doin TG: yoar??? TG: thats literally not a word. wym you oar?? what TG: anyway im gonna dismember this asshole if you dont agree to keep john safe and come here and im gonna start with the frosted tips )(IC: FIN--E )(IC: cant effin wait to be done with you )(IC: ill come krill ya if its so shrimportant just gimme the location TG: ok shrimportant is actually pretty funny TG: [coordinates] TG: see you soon

She drives a fuchsia Jaguar that looks like Xzibit threw up all over it, because of course she does. You watch it leave from your perch on your Mustang, then slide off the hood. shes gone, you text Rose. get ready to bounce

Before you leave, you turn back toward you car, and gently pat the roof. “See you soon,” you repeat, “for one last ride.”

Look, it’s a good car, alright.

Later on in the plan, once you’ve convinced John to come with you, and Rose has joined you in the no doubt brutal course out of the house littered with security guards, the three of you will pack into this car, and you will drive. You will be tailed, you know you will. Rose and you estimate two to three SUVs with more security personnel that will follow you, and sooner or later, you won’t stand a chance against them.

So, you’ll call the cops. You don’t usually do this -- even during all these years, neither you nor Crocker ever called the police on each other, and technically, you still won’t, today. You will just anonymously call authorities, and tell them about a burning car by the side of the road. Then you will hang up, and you and Rose and John will hop out of a moving vehicle as you crash your beloved Mustang and have it go up in flames. Authorities will come and find Dave Strider’s infamous car, and hopefully that’ll get people talking.

Crocker’s guys will hopefully exit their cars and go looking for you, or at least for John. It’s an easy con from there -- while they look, you will steal their SUVs and drive off toward your safehouses. Simple. No sweat.

“This better work,” you mutter to yourself, then leave your car behind and start climbing the fence around Crocker manor.

You’ve been here once before, while she was out and John was showing you around. You weren’t actively trying to case the place back then, just spending time with your boyfriend and checking out where he grew up, but you couldn’t help how curious you were. You still remember the most important spots, and you did your best to paint a proper picture of them to Rose (you drew a map in MS Paint), so now you have a pretty good idea of where you need to go.

The guard posts, of course, are randomized. You’ll have to take these as they come, and you feel prepared enough, with just your sword and a handful of knives. You’re wearing the kevlar you wore to the Oscars. You’re gonna be fine.

It’s a race against time now, knowing that there is no guarantee when Crocker will be catching on and returning to her house, and knowing that you stand no chance actually fighting her face to face. You climbed in toward the side of the house, because it’s the shortest distance between fence and wall. The front and back yards are ridiculously huge and opulent, and while you would have plenty of gaudy statues to hide behind, you’re not looking to make your way through there.

The first guard spots you right as you hop down off the fence, and your knife is in his shoulder before he even finishes drawing his gun on you. He’s also wearing a vest, but those don’t stop blades, and you take offense in knowing that she made them dress up like that. As if either you or Rose were going to show up with guns. She really doesn’t know you at all. You knock out the guard with a hit of the knife grip against his temple. Maybe you can get through this without deaths.

One of them you comfortably take out from behind a useless fountain placed in this part of the garden for some reason, appreciating how quiet and low-key you can be about it so far. The bigger the ruckus, the sooner she’ll return, so having them all go down in silence is your best case scenario.

It’s the third guard that ruins your track record. You’re almost at the house wall, and you know you’re under the right window, which means all you have to do is scale it and climb right into John’s room, but for that to work you need to have a clean path behind you. Which you don’t, you realize the second a bullet hits your back.

Your vest catches it, but the momentum still knocks you down, and you scrape both of your palms open on the weird break between lawn and pavement. You hate this fucking garden. Who lives like this? You’re gasping for breath and trying not to inhale any grass, dealing with the reality that this is the first time someone has shot at you and actually hit you, and the bullet might not have penetrated skin at all, but Jesus Fucking Christ it still feels awful. Like someone kicked you in the spine, only with a bullet instead of a foot.

Onward. You hear footsteps behind you, and now it’s your turn to kick, hitting them in the face with your boot in the same motion that you’re pushing yourself up from the ground. As they curse and stumble, you draw your sword, but they catch their footing quickly, and you know you only have a split second to act. That gun is pointing at you, again, or still, and they’re going for your head this time, and if you don’t fight now, the journey ends for you here. Someone is going to die, and it sure as shit can’t be you. Your arm darts forward.

The sword goes through their vest, their ribs, and their heart -- you wouldn’t call it smoothly, you really wouldn’t. You can feel resistance with every inch, you feel it right up to your shoulder, and you hate it, and it makes you want to throw up, but you can’t, now. You shove them off your blade and watch them crumple to the ground, and turn right back toward the wall. They are not getting up again. That’s on you, and you can deal with that later. You have to get moving.

Your phone vibrates.

You manage to pull yourself up on a balcony and crouch there, hiding from whatever is going on in the yard now. Other guards must have heard the shot being fired, so you really need to get the fuck out of sight, but this has to do, for now. If Crocker is messaging you, you have to respond, so she doesn’t think you’re in her goddamn garden.

)(IC: yo )(IC: send me proof yoar still with him )(IC: almost there this betta be worth it TG: one sec

As expected. All according to plan, so far. You hope the blood on your sword won’t make the sheath sticky. You’ll have to clean it, later. You don’t want to.

TG: shes asking for proof TG: go ahead. sorry TT: No worries. TT: I know we don’t endorse violence, but honestly, Dawon, after being in a room with him for this long, I am quite happy to do this.

She sends you a picture, and you grimace at your phone. It takes a lot to make you grimace, as a Strider born and raised -- at the same time, you’re not easily shocked or grossed out, but this isn’t great to look at. Fieri’s eye has been pulled from its socket, dangling down his cheek suspended from the nerve, a hole in the eyeball. You hope Crocker won’t be able to tell that this was done with a knitting needle, and forward the photo to her.

TG: hows this )(IC: )(--EY FUCK OFF )(IC: stop i reely like guy 38( TG: yeah well i really like john TG: eye for an eye TG: hurry it up im waiting and theres a second eye to gauge out )(IC: ten minutes )(IC: ur gonna be so sorry buoy

TG: 10 mins TT: On my way.

Okay. Crocker is on her way to a location where there will only be Guy Fieri and a set of elaborate boobytraps which you know won’t kill her, but hopefully slow her down. Rose is on her way here, to help you and John get out of here. That’s plenty of time you still have. Things are going suspiciously well, you think, before you remember the ache in your back and the fact that you killed someone.

You have to get to John.

He’s another two floors up, but you are right in front of a balcony door. For a second, you wonder if you could get into the house from here and do the rest from inside, so you don’t present yourself to the mob of people with guns in the garden. Unfortunately, before you can do that, another person with a gun appears on the other side of that door, mouths an angry what the fuck at you, and draws an assault rifle. Alright, well.

The thing that has mostly kept you from becoming too violent in the past is the fact that you’re fast, and you’re a great climber, so when you hop backward onto the banister of the balcony and pull yourself up to the next one above you, it happens so fast that nobody in the garden reacts. It’s after you’re already crouching behind the balcony, thankfully made of robust concrete, that the shots start hitting it. You do nothing, count the bullets, wait for them to get rid of half of their magazines down there. Then you pull a knife, peek over the balcony, and throw it right into someone’s bicep.

More shots. More ducking and counting. You have two more knives to throw, and you do, rinse and repeat. The people down there are very angry with you now, and very much still able to shoot, but you figure at least their aim will be off, and they’ll be slower. You hope. You haven’t held a gun yourself in fucking forever.

You take a breath, and jump up to grab the balcony you know belongs to John.

As soon as you’re in the open, another bullet hits your back, further toward your side this time, and you almost let go. You let out an undignified noise instead, and hold on harder, focusing all you have into your arms to pull yourself up. Shots are ringing in your ears, and one hits the concrete right next to your head at almost the same time that another one grazes your leg. You hiss in pain, grunt in exertion, pull, pull, and roll yourself onto John’s balcony.

Someone in the garden yells, “Motherfucker!”

You sit, curled up, and pull apart the tear in your pants with your aching fingers to check the wound. It’s not deep, certainly not as bad as the chunk of missing flesh you have in your arm from being shot at last year. It’s fine. You’ll forget about it in a second, when your newest problem will be telling your amnesiac boyfriend that he needs to come with you.

You pull yourself up into a crouch, not more. You don’t want to risk getting shot in the head as you finally face him, so you just do it like this. Hunkered down, disheveled and bloody, you lean forward and knock on John’s window.

[altonadventures]

ALTON ADVENTURES BIG ANNOUNCEMENT

So...because its Friday and I usually update AA on Fridays, I figured it was time to make my big announcement! 

And that is...that Alton Adventures is changing. A little bit. 

Am I rebooted the comic again? No haha! Once I get back to it it shall continue as normal but some characters may look a bit different going forward. 

Who may those characters be?

Sir Gareth Nemesis 

Why is he changing? 

Sir Nemesis’ change is actually less drastic than one may think. For starters, he needed a design rehaul. I wanted his armor to be more simple, easier to draw but with still details that could tie him to Nemesis (the green eye, the arms, the light pink details instead of inconsistent tentacles). I also had an issue where his hair was too close to his skin color, so to combat this I turned him into a ginger! His eye color also changed from gold to green, another thing to visually tie him more to Nemesis. 

So yes, I changed Sir Nem’s design because I was unhappy with it. His armor was never drawn consistently ever, I was constantly changing the tone of his hair and his skin so that was inconsistent. I want my designs to be more consistent and polished going forward.

What else is different? Well, you can probably tell he looks much more serious, like in older pictures I drew of him. Why is that? Well, I was kind of..honestly tired of his role as the “dad character tm” that he kind of turned out to be. It almost undermined his true characterization and turned him into a typical over the top exaggerated hero character. And I started to realize how much I missed his original concept. A battle hardened solider that was filled with regret and remorse, who heavily sympathizes with the plight of the alien he’s locked in combat with. He’s still much a father however, as he has a biological son and adopts an alien who mimics his likeness (hence another reason he’s a ginger now as his Nemesis daughter always was one). He’s just returned to his roots as a character. Because I felt that characterization was a unique one for the Nemesis ride. And it was an idea I really loved. Sir Nemesis actually WAS one of my favorite characters...I wanted his role to be much larger than it is in the comics. I don’t blame anyone for him becoming a joke, I did initially kind of fuel the fire for it, I’m just hoping that its not to late to get back to the Sir Nemesis I originally wanted to write. And of course, all my characters are still meme and joke worthy. I just want to tackle much more serious issues with my comic and show the more serious side of some of my characters and don’t want there entire existence to be a joke Mr.S can’t have too many folks 1 uping him in the laughs department!  I guess to note with this change that his original voice claim has also been solidified as well. It’s a more somber and serious tone that I feel fits him as a character. 

Final Notes 

Sir Nemesis is a character that I have a lot of thought put into. His backstory is tragic, emotional, and his character is complex and he’s not the perfect hero people might image him as. I plan for his Arc to follow the Fireworks arc in the comic, as well as I am planning to start some more text heavy short stories about how the Secret Weapons became Secret Weapons (which I will likely call Secret Weapon Short Stories hehe) and will be writing his first. Also a very important thing i must address. Yes, the eye on his chest moves. (I have a gif but it doesn’t want to work on this post Ill have it up later ><)

Erica Annabelle Cloud 

ooof okay this is a huge one. Confession time. Erica was always my least favorite character. Why? She just had...no character. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with her, her design felt phoned in and there because I needed an Air/Galatica character, (yes, she is changing as her Galatica stage too). She was just. not well thought out. She had a dual identity but I think a lot of people didn’t pick up on that? She felt like a Rita 2.0 as just a nice and friendly optimistic person and literally had 0 backstory. Originally she was supposed to have had some sort of accident that turned her into Galatica and she had memory loss and forgotten about when she was Air, yeah it was a mess. That eventually just turned into Nebula Corona being a character she made up (bc her one trait was that she was into space and wrote a lot) that she played as when her rides themeing changed. 

She was just..barely a character and her design was abysmal (Her Galatica suit was okay but her Air outfit was an afterthought) She needed a massive visual upgrade. A sleeker flight suit that makes more sense (I used a ref or two for this design!) A different face shape to help her stand out more, my signature they wear glasses they have dot eyes look. Long, wispy, flowing hair to resemble those trails planes make. A bit more lanky and tall. And let me tell you I LOVE her design now. It looks so much more unique and you can just SEE she has so much more character now!  As for her characterization im going full into her being a nerd. A very tech nerd at that! She designed her suit to help her fly at her best, and eventually will be the one that designs and builds all her Galatica tech! Her Galatica design hasn’t been done yet, mostly bc I wanted to focus on her current comic canon design, but not much would change I feel with her upgrade anyways! She is effectively the brains of the group, and the others often turn to her for plans of attack when dealing with a situation, or innovative solutions to problems! I have yet to get a voice claim for her, but im sure one will come to me soon enough! 

Final Notes

Erica/Nebula was a character I struggled to connect with. Everyone else had Airs that were either super plot important, or just much more cool and creative in general. I felt, that with my Air/Galatica she was just there, and I wanted her to be more. So a full character rehaul was done with her and it makes me so happy. She feels much more fleshed out, better designed, and I’m super excited to do more stuff with her, and hopefully you will all see her much more now that I’m a lot happier with her as a character! <3 

Welp that's the end of the updates....wait. Hold on. I have something written here. What could this be? Oh! I remember now! 

Black Hole, AkA Beatrix, will be joining the MAIN CAST of Alton Adventures! 

When I drew my Black Hole design, I knew she was something special. She stands out compared to a lot of my characters, and her design SCREAMS main character. While the biggest main roles will still be held by Mr. S and Rita, I wanted to add another non SW coaster to the main crew, and because Canonically Corkscrew is MIA, Black Hole seemed like a fitting addition to the main crew! As she isn’t human, a species literally only referred to as Black Holes, I thought making her a main character and giving her a big arc would help flesh out the reality of non humans in Alton Adventures! Her powers and design and character and personality are just too fun to shove her into the background. I feel that adding her to the main cast gives them not only another character to support them, but a closer friend! You will all see her much more in the future for certain! 

Well that's about it! In terms of comic updates themselves...its still going to be hiatus as long as I’m being swamped with school work. I hope you all understand. I’ll try to squeeze in updates over the breaks I have IF im not working on assignments for class. As I also said, I wanna do short stories as well, to expand the world and explain it better, as a comic will only develop the world so quickly and lots of you have tons of questions! I also wanna do something animated at some point, that’s my dream. I’ve ALSO mentioned to some people about merch, likely going for making stickers first since that's simple. I got an excited reaction for that so I’ll come up with designs for them soon! I just wanna do a lot with Alton Adventures, because I know how much it means to people, and of course it means so much. Goodness I really need to actually get to this park, I look quiet silly constantly gushing over a themepark I’ve never been to all the time XP  That all aside I thank you all for sticking by me. I promise that even if I don’t do comic updates as frequently during the school year, I’ll still work to push out as much AA content I can outside of that! I’m always open to suggestions to what you guys want to see! ALSO, working on a big google doc spreadsheet with info on all the characters I’ll be posting when its more completed! So be on the lookout for that! 

Again thank you to everyone who’s stuck with me through this, Your support makes me feel nothing but proud of what I’ve created. These characters may have been created out of something some may consider silly or odd, but the only thing that matters to me if that I can make at least someone happy with what I create. 

Patreon (note that patrons got to see all of this content as it was being worked on!) l Ko-fi

[leesungjongg]

ok i literally dont know how to start this and it’s going to be a mess but idc, i want to say it (and i’ll probably regret it in the far future but w/e). sorry to mobile users. i dont normally make posts like this so this is kind of rare but

sometimes when i have like 50 text messages unread on my phone, i get really, really overwhelmed and i don’t want to talk to anyone. like some days im just like get away from me, don’t touch me, don’t even LOOK at me bc i don’t want to interact with anyone in the world (and this sounds really really mean and not like how i respond to people irl - or even over text anyway - at all)

but that only happens sometimes. (maybe more over the summer tbh.)

most of the time, idk man but i love getting attention from people, because it makes me feel less invisible you know? like oh shit i actually exist and people actually know me and like me and actually want to talk to me. like half the time i’m in my own world, the other half im legit working on homework or some kind of assignment that requires my atttention. 

like today, or like lately, idek why, i’ve been feeling a little down (since like last thursday i think but like lowkey sad, nothing too serious - i think it’s because of stress maybe but also who knows. i’m gonna go talk to my counselor next week so hopefully everything - idek what ‘everything’ even is- clears up by then) and like deadass i see my friends and everytime they come say hi to me or start up a conversation for a short while, my mood instantly boosts up to “i am so happy” and it makes me feel so so nice. i literally don’t know why, but i love seeing them and i love it more when they see me and decide to come by and say hi. 

and this isn’t even limited to people i know irl, like even when someone on here comes and sends me a message, i get really excited just to see what it is (i still get a little overwhelmed because i literally don’t know how long the messages are going to be or how short they’ll be and then im like ugh let’s just look at it and then im like omg this is awesome, i should respond before i forget) 

it’s just like these little things that let me know that ok yes, there are people out there who actually care about me and enjoy talking with me or to me. on one hand, i consider this kind of sad and lowkey pathetic, but on the other, im like ok this obviously means you love and cherish your friends and adore spending time with them, and also, it means you’re human and affection is normal, so how is this a bad thing?

but it’s just something that’s been on my mind recently. i think it’s also because it’s my last year of college and im honestly truly dreading the moment i graduate, or even worse yet, when my friends graduate this December, and im really worried/sad that i won’t be able to see them ever again, and that’s like terrifying. and i hate thinking that all of this is going to end. like as if my happiness has a deadline and it’s the day i graduate and then everything will go to hell and i’ll live the rest of my life being miserable. which ISN’T true, like obviously life has its ups and downs but im thinking back to high school and how i thought everything was okay, but by the time i entered senior year, i hated everyone and i was so so tired. like extremely sick of my classmates and everything and i wanted it all to be over and i was dreading college because i was worried it would be high school but ten times WORSE. except it’s been the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me and now it’s my last year of college, and i don’t want to leave because i’m scared that once i do leave, no one will contact me ever again and i’ll never see my friends again and i’ll be lonely. and i hate thinking that so so much. because i know everything will be okay eventually, but i don’t want this feeling to end. i love being surrounded by my friends, by people i see in the halls every day and i don’t ever want to leave and it’s a big problem. and i probably really should talk to my counselor about this because i’ve had this worry/stress since last semester (and we worked on that) but now it’s become even bigger and i feel like i’m being strangled. or drowning. either way, it doesn’t feel good. 

i love my friends so so much and i don’t want them to leave and im so frustrated because i get attached so easily and then once my friends leave, i make no effort to reach out to them or hang out with them so it’s like?? what the fuck. idk what im saying anymore. it’s 11:30pm and i told myself that i’d go to bed early tonight but instead im like typing this and i sigh. idek. i just don’t want college to end, because im worried that means i’ll never see my friends again. which isn’t true. i can always hang out with them. but i’ve never done that outside of school. ok that’s a lie, but UGHHHH idek what im sayinggggggg!! this has been a full on rant, but my fave person who created the peer advisory team im on right now told me that vulnerability is okay. so. here i am being vulnerable. 

[werewolfwilds]

i redid an ask meme that i had originally done ~3 years ago to see the comparison so for archiving purposes im putting it in a lil journal entry here ! i wanna start doing small journal entries again it was fun when i did that

new answers bolded

1) what images do you have set for your desktop/cell phone wallpapers?

my desktop bg is literally just…. a collage of kageyama manga screencaps a h a,,,, and my cellphone bg are drawings some gay drew me like 74724 years ago :v // my desktop rn is actually a background from one of the dmmd routes LMFAO..... idk which one it is but i’ve always liked those bg pics!! my cell lock screen is p5 art and my bg is leopika

2) have you ever had a crush on a teacher?

nooooope // nah

3) what was your last text message?

my phone is dead so i wouldnt be able to tell you lmfao i dont even remember // it was a gif from kelly lol

4) what do you see yourself doing in 10 years?

hopefully working a job i enjoy and making costumes and being happy!! // god i have no idea and it freaks me out... hopefully working,,

5) if you could be anywhere else right now, where would you be?

hoommee ((or at katsucon tbh)) // at the beach with friends maybe

6) what was your coolest halloween costume?

a white cat probably lmao // i dont think ive ever had a particularly exciting halloween costume but one year i was sharpay from high school musical and i think i peaked then tbh

7) what was your favorite 90s show?

uhhhh….. i didnt really… start watching tv until like… the 2000′s so i really cant tell you man lol // spongebob started in 1999 does that coUNT,

8) who was your last kiss?

(answer redacted) // :/ someone should kiss me so i can change this answer lmao

9) have you ever been stood up?

nope //  nah

10) favorite ice cream flavor?

vanilla w/ vanilla oreos ok u need to underst a n d // this hasn’t changed i haven’t had this particular ice cream in a long time but i still stand by it

11) have you been to las vegas?

nahh // nope

12) your favorite pair of shoes?

idk i have these black ones i wear everywhere lol // i have a pair of white sneakers that i refuse to stop wearing now

13) honestly, have you ever cheated on your significant other?

i wouldnt even consider it. // no bc i’m not a piece of shit lmao?

14) what is your favorite fruit?

hmmm…. pineapple orrr…. strawberries but only if they’re the really good kind like they have to be perfect // pineapple!!

15) have you talked to anyone on tumblr that you could see yourself  dating/having sex with? if possible?

….. ye s… yes. // in the past apparently so but thinking about it now nah lol

16) are you into hookups? short or long term relationships?

hookups arent my thing eh i prefer long term relationships altho i cant really say ive been in a “long” term relationship pffff // i don’t think hookups will ever be my thing, emotionally long term relationships are what i’m here for but i’m also a Very Impulsive Person so i cant tell you if this will stay a fact :’)

17) do you smoke? if so, what?

nope dont wanna // no thanks

18) what do you do to get over your anger?

usually talk to people or shout into word // i have to vent about it to someone probably a thousand times even months or years after it happens tbh

19) do you believe in god?

nahh // nah

20) does the person you’re in love with know it?

i aint in love with anyone rn so no? // i’m not in love with anyone.

21) favorite position?

………….. for w hat………. // oh honey lmfao... N/A

22) what’s your horoscope sign?

virgo/ox ovob // Virgo/sun, Aries/moon, Libra/rising and Cancer/midheaven

23) your fears?

literally everything i already named a few so ill name some others… ghh anything in… the ocean or lakes and stuff frightens me and i really dont know why bu tlike…. fish and crabs and jellyfish and seaweed cuz it’s evil and stu f f basically anything that’s not a mammal or turtles or penguins…. lo l im a baby // uncertainty is a big fear of mine and also people being mad at me lmao... as far as physical fears though i have debilitating fears of almost all insects/arachnids and lobsters/shrimp/crawfish :^)))))

24) how many pets do you have? what kind?

two cats and a dog!! // one cat one dog

25) what never fails to turn you on?

i dunno,,/////// // lol neck biting/kissing oof

26) your idea of a perfect first date?

im okay with mostly anything i just really like spending time with the person ; v ; // i’ve never really had an answer for this? thinking about dates has always made me so anxious for whatever reason but i’ll be happy to just spend time with them doing whatever honestly, i’m a super indecisive person aha

27) what is something most people don’t know about you?

i dont really know tbh lmfao // i’ve considered in the past looking into mental conditions (anxiety/bpd/etc) to see if i might have one or two but i never want to say anything about it because i don’t want to self-diagnose anything.

28) what makes you feel the happiest?

nice weather and nice conversations w/ best people u//v//u // nice weather and hanging out with people who are fun and easy to talk to

29) what store do you shop at most often?

does….. arda wigs count or… // does arda wigs still count bc mood lmao but truthfully now it’s probably target

30) how do you feel about oral? giving and/or receiving?

kkdkjsfkjkjfj??fsfj/// go for i t??? i have no problems with i t??? i dont think ill ever be willing to put a dick in my mouth though // these random sexual questions thrown in here are something aren’t they lmao. not going to disclose much but i will stand by the fact that i will not put a dick in my mouth lo l

31) do you believe in karma?

sometimes ye // i believe that people will eventually get what’s coming to them but i don’t believe in karma as a solid concept if that makes sense? like i don’t think it’s guaranteed

32) are you single?

yup yup // yeah it’s been wild lmao

33) do you think flowers or candy are a better way to apologize?

i think being sincere is the best way to apologize– if you truly mean it the person will know. you dont need to buy your forgiveness. // the best way to apologize is just to apologize sincerely and change your behavior if it’s applicable.

34) are you a good swimmer?

ehh??? im ok i guess– i took swimming lessons as a kid but i havent done legit swimming ever since then lmao,, ive always been best at the backstroke tho yea // i mean i have the ability to swim but i’m not olympic-worthy or anything lmao

35) coffee or tea?

ehhh im not big on either tbh // chocolate milk and you can fight me

36) online shopping or shopping in person?

depends what your shopping for i guess?? online is more relaxed i guess // online probably because shopping in person Gives Me Anxiety

37) would you rather be older or younger than your current age?

ehhh im happy where i am tbh // older

38) cats or dogs?

do not make me choose // cats and dogs* there i fixed it for you

39) are you a competitive person?

ahaa,,,,, oh god yeah,, // OOF yeah

40) do you believe in aliens?

i believe there’s life on other planets somewhere?? so i guess?? // i believe in aliens in the sense that there’s no way we are the only living life forms in the universe but not in the science-fiction way you feel me

41) do you like dancing?

i do but i suck at it lmao // i do but i: A- suck, and B- have no stamina

42) what kind of music to you listen to?

nearly everything tbh // i’m not picky when it comes to music but imma be real w u. almost all of the music on my phone is kpop. seventeen is my favorite group along with astro, and i also enjoy super junior, shinee, red velvet, etc among so many others,,, im pretty wide spread !

43) what is your favorite cartoon character?

i will never be able to pick just one // i’ll literally never be able to answer this

44) where are you from?

philadelphia uvu // philly!

45) eat at home or eat out?

hmmm at home. // at home

46) how much more social are you when you’re drunk?

i never plan on being drunk tyvm // i’ve never consumed alcohol in my life and to be Quite Fucking Honest i want nothing to do with it

47) what was the last thing you bought for yourself?

bracelets ! ; u ; // uh... excluding food and music... earrings i think

48) why do you think your followers follow you?

uhhhhhhh lmfao i have no idea i think… a good amount are for my cosplays at least?? or id like to think so lmfao but i really dont know pfft // my followers have just accumulated and hung around over the years... i know i gained a good amount from my snk days as arlert-the-troops and then through my haikyuu phase, whether it was for my cosplay or other posts that i made... whenever someone follows me now im not entirely sure what its for but i appreciate everyone who’s stuck around!

49) how many hours do you sleep at night?

it’s never regular man // 6-9 (lol) hours is pretty normal for me

50) what worries you most about the future?

everything tbh // the future as a concept worries me lol

[beaversatemygrandma]

Bluh less than a week left of being here. I was able to hang out with two people this month and because everybody is working idk if i’ll be able to see anyone else at all. So that sucks. Haven’t seen them in a while anyways so it’s okay i guess. Not like anyone checked in through the pandemic except like maybe three of them.

I’ll make new ones after i move and get a new job and now that i’m vaxxed i guess. ;-; And then the ordeal of packing and moving. The most stressful part. I’ve moved literally five times in my life and every time I’ve hated every second of making the whole change. Can’t get used to it. Never have. Ugh.

Most disappointed about probably not being able to do one thing with the one person who kept in contact no matter what after we stopped working together. And ya know that whole shockingly mutual crush. Anyways we were going to go to the springs before i left if they got a day off in time where there weren’t any previous plans and now that it’s less than a week before i go, i guess it’ll have to wait until i visit FL again a while from now. Tho I did run past a hypothetical future situation and it was actually considered. Like after their kinda shitty roommate moves out and I’m done with my business in NC, I’ll likely move in with them. I think it would be a nice situation to have. We know we get along more than well enough, we’ve been basically fighting against work an unlucky situations for time together which rarely happens, but when it does it’s always great, when their roommate doesn’t guilt them out of leaving the house... Also i finally had the full conversation about the gender things we’ve both been going through and, im so happy for them, they’ve already gotten hormone therapy set up and it’s been settled, we definitely are both nb which is neat. Wasn’t expecting that out of when we first met. I just secretly hope their voice doesn’t change too much, it’s not terribly deep or anything, just sounds so nice. Soft and literally makes me melt. ...ahhhh im gonna send a text and see if there really is no time this week. Maybe see if i can at least sneak in one last random adventure or something if we can’t do the day trip.

Geez i don’t wanna leave people behind but i think already accidentally did when i needed like five months of no interactions to recover from the burnout that was the last two years of high school topped off with three years of working a shit deadend job where i was underpaid, underappreciated and depressed as shit trying to pay rent and barely being able to afford food. I’m mostly okay now. Yeah, i need to treat this anxiety and adhd like last year, and finally take classes and go back to school and idk get a damn car. I just wish there was more to do here and i was able to stick around more. But now that I’ve got enough money sitting in the savings to get that car, pay off those medical debts (still bitter because it was $900 for NOTHING but just existing in the ER, it’s down to 700 but STILL.) and probably take some classes at a community college (this will wipe out that whole $10k but still. It’s possible.) I’m gonna get stuck with taking care of a 12yo (the eldest daughter complex is gonna come back but at least it won’t be like it was with my mom and taking care of her dad and dealing with the fucked up parts of her side of the family, I think it’ll just be split between me and my grandma when my dad isn’t around) nbd tho that kid needs a sibling around. And then likely downloading tinder again and being that person looking for people to hang out with and show me the area bc i haven’t been there since i was 8. Going back to the hometown i don’t even know my way around lol. Could be fun, might find other people who are similar in the city. It’s a real city with places that are hopefully not filled to the brim with rednecks. Its NC, so i can’t really guarantee it for myself, but still much less seeing as it’s a big city. Could be fun. Could be fun. Just not emotionally prepared for New. 

Six days and counting. Oh boy.

[jasperstan408]

January 10, 2021

holy shit so much has changed and i have so much tea for myself lmao 1. i got my first job as a graphic designer!!! after months of being insecure and depressed about it, i start tomorrow!!! 2. i got my first heartbreak that isn’t A!!! Sad but exciting that it’s not him im crying over anymore. 

writing my notes from my app on here

I am so upset right now. I went over to fuck bryan in a hotel room. We had sex for 20 minutes, i didn’t even cum. He said i can be on top and then i never got the chance. And then we just laid there on opposite sides of the bed. We talked a little but mostly just watched family guy awkwardly. He kept checking stuff on his phone and then he played a game on his phone while i watched. This is just stuff i would do if i was bored or didn’t want to be where i was at the moment. Even when we sat close, he obviously just didn’t want to be there like he didn’t touch me at all. Barely talked to me. He was so distant and i hated it. I think it just triggered something in my brain that reminded me of how andy acted around me and it upset me. Ive been crying all night about it. I hate andy so fucking much. He literally ruined everything for me. Is this how it’s going to be with all men? They just want me for my pussy and nothing else? When we had sex the first time it was amazing. I felt connected and it was good. This was literally just to fuck me and be done with it. I tried to keep the conversation flowing and nothing. He didnt even ask me how my day was.

Yeah i was gonna talk to you about how you were weird and distant last night so I’m glad you noticed and its not just in my head. I’ll be honest, i dont really know what to say back. I could just tell you why im upset about this and how upset i am but i just feel like it doesnt matter what i say tbh. It’s not going to change anything. I will say you made me feel like shit. I just felt so used and unwanted last night. It was obvious you were only there to have sex and nothing else. It was such a shitty feeling for me to lay there after and have you not even notice. I didn’t pay $40 to watch family guy with you and to watch you play a game on your phone. Yeah it wasnt a relationship but if we were friends with benefits, the friendship part wasnt there. Neither were the benefits since last time i gave u a bj and this time i didnt even cum. That hurts that you feel that way because i really did like spending time with you and was excited to keep spending time with you but its also out of my control and i cant make you feel a way you dont so i guess it just sucks. 

What you are not about to fucking do is downplay how i fucking feel and try to make what you did any better. If you felt this, you felt this i dont fucking care but you had so many chances to fucking cancel and so many chances to be honest with me but you still went just to fuck me. Im not a fleshlight you can stick your dick into to hopefully forget about someone else, if there even is someone else. I cant even trust you after you lied about so much. Cincinatti and the keys and who knows what else. Dont treat me like im a fucking idiot like i didnt pick up signs that you weren’t interested anymore. If youre not interested, okay fine but dont lie to me. I thought we could get a hotel room and it would be a good time like the first time. Not have you fuck me for 5 minutes and then ignore me for another hour and a half. So dont say “we knew what we were doing when we got the hotel room” because I thought you actually wanted to spend time with me. That shit hurt and my feelings are valid. What did you think would happen? I would wake up and see your text and feel sorry for you? I would say “oh sorry you feel that way hit me up when you wanna fuck me again 😏😉😍🥺😂” we’re not gonna just be friends so you can string me along and fuck me whenever you want. I’m not anyones rebound or second choice. And dont use my fucking words against me like that. When i said “fake scenarios” i meant that I thought us sleeping together last night wouldve been fun like the first time. Not me creating a scenario where you used me. I didnt create that, thats what happened. Get the fuck out of here with that shit. 

The thing you don’t understand is that it was so out of nowhere for me. I thought you were interested and then acted like it didn’t matter if i was there or not. Waking and reading a text saying “I’m not over my ex but we can be friends” made me think you were getting back together with an ex and just wanted to soften the blow by saying we can just be friends. Like you didn’t actually want to be friends, you just were trying to make it easier on me. Idgaf about how you feel. If you’re not over your ex okay but that’s your baggage and that’s your problem and you didnt have to dump it out on me like you did that night. 

Okay so like I’ve said and like you know, I was really hurt the other night. I get everyone has their baggage and their insecurities and that’s okay but what was not okay is projecting that baggage on to me and hurting me like you did. I have my baggage with my ex and I spent so much time working through it so I don’t do this to anyone. That’s all your problem, not mine. I did like spending time with you and talking to you. I do want to be friends. We can still talk every once in a while and maybe we can hang out and smoke but I just don’t think I want to hook up or anything like that. That was just way too much and it obviously didn’t end well.

My hopes were crushed because i liked what we were doing and it sucks that it had to end so soon. I just miss talking to you and i miss that time in my life, being excited that you were in it and it just sucks that it had to end so quick. It sucks that you didn’t feel the same as me. It sucks that none of this is my fault. I cant change anything about what happened and i cant make you feel a certain way that you don’t. It’s scary that we went thru the same experience and had different feelings about it. This was all out of nowhere for me because i really thought you were into me tbh until we were in the middle of sex and i felt like something was off. And then you sat there, wouldn’t look at me or talk to me and honestly it made me think i did something wrong. You dumped your baggage on to me.

Id like to go back to how it was when we first met. We can just be friends. We can hang out every once in a while, smoke and get something to eat but obviously sleeping together isnt a good idea and i dont want to do that anymore.

Reading your message, I thought that you were saying you and your ex were getting back together and by saying “we can still talk and still be friends”, you were just trying to be nice and not hurt me i guess?

Love language is quality time

Hey can we talk?

Okay so i just kinda wanted to be open about what i think and am feeling. Im sorry if this is out of nowhere. I know this was 2 weeks ago lol i just have not had any time to talk to you. So when you first texted me the other day, I took it as “my ex and i are getting back together and i wanted to fuck someone for the last time.” Maybe I was just jumping to conclusions idk but I took you wanting to be friends and saying you wanted to talk to me like pity tbh. Like you didn’t actually want to do that, you were just saying that to soften the blow. I did like talking with you and hanging out with you. I would like to be friends but I don’t want to intrude if you’re with someone else, I feel like that’d be awkward lol

I’d like to just go back to how it was before it got messy. I’m fine with still talking and maybe someday we can smoke and get something to eat and hang out. I did like hanging out and talking with you but obviously, sleeping together isn’t a good idea and I don’t want to do that.

So I do want to talk about the other night just to get some clarity and it can stay in the past. I understand how you felt and tbh I’ve been there before too. I’ve gone on a date with a guy and the date was fine but the whole time I was just sad over my ex and it ruined things. It happens and it sucks, I get it. But the thing is, that’s your baggage that you need to deal with. Not mine but you dumped the baggage on me. I have baggage with my ex but i dealt with it and healed from it so I wouldn’t do this to anyone. My ex was the worst and that night, you were acting like him and it triggered something that made me really upset. My love language is quality time so when i hang out with someone, it’s important that they’re there with me and their attention isn’t somewhere else which is also why i got really upset.

I just remember at one point, the way you were walking or something made me flashback to him and i just wanted to leave. You’re the first guy I’ve opened up to like this since we broke up so you acting like that made me think every guy is going to be like that towards me and i got upset. I know now that’s not the truth. My love language is quality time so when I’m with someone, id like them to be there with me. To talk to me instead of being on their phones and acting like i wasnt there. Having sex with me and then ignoring me was how my ex was the last half of our relationship and it triggered something for me. That night just wasnt a good night for me. Like i said, we all have our baggage but it wasn’t okay to treat me like that. I would just like to go back to how it was when we first met. We can smoke and get something to eat but sleeping together isn’t what I want right now.

Basically, you already know, but the way you treated me wasn’t okay. I understand how you felt and I’ve been down that road too but dumping that baggage on me wasn’t okay. It made me uncomfortable and it upset me. My love language is quality time so when i do hang out with someone, I’d like them to be focused on hanging out with me but you weren’t. You were on your phone and watching tv instead which is why i got upset. Like i said before, the way you were acting reminded me of my ex and it triggered something for me which is also why i got upset. After all this, i am a human with feelings so of course I’m going to get hurt. I would like to be friends. We can still talk and maybe we can still hang out and smoke together if you’re down but obviously sleeping together isn’t a good idea right now and i dont want to so that.

I’ll be honest, the whole time you were talking to me, i just kept waiting for something like this to happen and here it is.

You’re right. You’re very confusing and obviously don’t know what you want. You made all the first moves and ended it first too. You said you wanted a friendship and i said i did too and now you dont even want that. You’re very back and forth and yeah, i dont need someone like that in my life. You aren’t listening to anything that ive said, youre just getting defensive when im trying to just talk through it. We were just fwb i get it and like ive said multiple times, thats all i wanted from you. I never saw you as a guy to meet my parents or to hang out with my friends. Just someone to fuck at the end of the night. This all got messy because of you. I’m a human with emotions so stop trying to gaslight me into making me think what i feel is wrong.

[atraceofhonesty]

All the evens ;)

You are pure evil I want you to know that...........I’m over it.2-Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?Being 23, absolutely not.  I’m sorry.4-Would you ever smile at a stranger?Oh absolutely!  I do it all the time!  You never know what somebody else is going through, even if they don’t smile back, hopefully it made their day even an inkling better, and even the thought that that might happen to even one person, makes it all worth it.6-Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?Yea, this stupid romantic sounding song by the 1975 you might’ve heard of them >.> makin me think about.  NEVERMIND8- How often do you listen to music?Every day.  Sometimes all day.10- Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2018?I don’t think it will indefinitely, but I think there’s a very real possibility12-Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’?Yes, my first relationship actually.14-Can you drive a stick shift?No, albeit not for trying, my late grandfather tried to get me to shift gears for him every time I’d be in the car with him growing up.16- Are you going out of town soon?Not that i’m aware of, no.18-Have you ever told someone you loved them?I think a grand total of 5, not including family20-Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for?My youngest brother.  For sure.  As long as he wasn’t being goofy :p22- Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?I think it’s a blessing if someone kisses me period, but forehead kisses no matter whom from give me mad butterflies24- What are you sitting on right now?frickin IKEA pillow on some garbo wheelie chair lol26- Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?Oh yes.  Ohohoho yes.28-Do you get a lot of colds?I get a lot of really short mini colds, mostly probably actually allergies30-Does anyone hate you?Probably lol but i’m not worried about it32-Do you like watching scary movies?Yes I do :o34-If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?I think like, age 15.  36-  When was the last time you told someone you loved them?Like, 11 months ago.38- Do you think someone has feelings for you?I get the feeling, yea :)40- Did you have a good day yesterday?Yea I did, i’d like to think I did :)42- In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl?Unlikely.  44- What’s the best part about school?I.  Like learning okay. I don’t like being tested though. 46-  Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school?I did.  Maybe a little too much :348-Were you single over the last summer?Yes, yes I was.50- What are you supposed to be doing right now?This but instead I’m getting a little distracted52-Are you nice to everyone?I sure do try to be.54-Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?um.  YES.  what kind of a question is this56- Do you think you like someone?YEs. 58-Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?I.  Don’t care?  Really?60-Do you hate anyone?In my personal life, no.  62-Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?Yes, yes there is.64-Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?I don’t think anyone honestly66-Will your next kiss be a mistake?I sure as hell hope not.68-Have your pants ever fallen down in public?Not since the 8th grade.70-How do you look right now?Maybe a little tired?72- Can you commit to one person?UMMMM YES?  I don’t understand these questions im sorry74-Have you ever felt replaced?EVER?  Yea, but like, im no bitter.76-Are you a jealous person?Yes.  Yes I very much am.  78- Anyone you’re giving up on?Nope I don’t believe so :)80- Name something you have to do tomorrow?Redo an application to a job that apparently didn’t fully go through?  Rude.82- Is there someone you will never forget?My late grandparents 84- If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now?Prob mad cudding tbh.86- Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex?Yes. 88- If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?Not a damn chance.90- Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?Oh yes, absolutely, and the friends who hated them didn’t last long as friends. 92-Is there anyone you know with the name Michael?Not personally, no.94- Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going?No I was not.96- Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive?I don’t text, but my last message on tumblr and snapchat, yes.98- If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?I’d say, that’s fair, I respect you, and I support your decisions.  That’s it really.100- Who’s in your profile picture with you?It’s just me >.>102- Has anybody ever given you butterflies?YES.  VERY RECENTLY ACTUALLY.

OKAY now that that’s done and I literally can’t answer anymore from that list lol this was exhAUSTING

[mysplaced-pen]

Hi! I really love your works. I enjoy reading them during my vacant time and sometimes in the office. lol. Anyways, I do not know if you've done this before, scenario: MC and RFA + trio are high school students, and RFA + trio trying to confess to MC. **i am not sure if you got the idea, somewhat hard to put into words. lol** anyways, thank you in advance ^^

hey, hun!💛 Sorry this is so late, but I hope you like this!

it’s a really cute request ^^ It’s my pleasure to do it and I’m glad you like the others too!~

[ side note: zen’s got lowkey angsty whoops ]

zen

his gang members hate that he always actually goes back to the school

but he can’t help himself - there was still someone there that he needed to see

it was his best friend, mc. whom he had been friends with since middle school

and he was actually pretty surprised they still wanted to see him

they were finishing their second year of high school, like he would be if he stayed

he knew it was dangerous…going back. but he couldn’t help himself

hyun had a huge crush on mc. and he was going to tell them. at the very least so he wouldn’t regret not telling them

so he texted them to meet him outside after class 

he was waiting in their usual meetup spot, which was by a tree near the school

but this time, it was for a goodbye.

“Hyun!” mc’s voice made him look over and smile at them

“Hey babe. How was school?” “Boring without you, you know that”

he laughed, which was his first laugh in a while

it was so easy to laugh with mc…he might not get this chance ever again 

“But anyways, what’s up? I haven’t seen you around lately.”

“Yeah, sorry about that…but I just needed to tell you something.”

“Are you going somewhere?” “Kind of?” “…What is it, Hyun?”

He sighed and took their hand and kissed it gently 

“I needed to tell you that I really like you before I left.” 

“what?- hyun-” they called, but he walked off

yoosung

yoosung wasn’t supposed to fall for mc

he was their tutor for crying out loud

but…they were so cute….

a lil backstory: they met at a volunteer event the school ran

they were partnered up for a help desk, getting people where they need to go and giving out extra supplies

and they’d talk when they got a break

listen, he had no intention to actually fall for mc

what happened, however, was he fell for their dedication to getting through this

they tried to learn the subject and made efforts to just talk to him besides school work

the two of them shared interests, possible plans for the future - along with their insecurities of the future

and a friend of his told him to just ask them out

…what did he have to lose?

it was their last study session together - in the library

30 minutes in and he still couldn’t gather up the courage

yoosung, you literally have 2 minutes left, just ASK 

what ended up happening was he asked while they were both packing up

mc was grabbing their things, but took a second to look up and smile at yoosung

“thank you for everything, yoosung. I promise I’ll make it up to you somehow!”

it literally slipped out - yoosung didn’t even think about it

“how about a date?” yoosung’s mind: whatdidijustdoijustdidthatohmygod

mc paused for a second before packing up again

yoosung felt embarrassed, just going to quickly pack his things 

but he saw mc move a hand to his bag, putting a piece of paper on the very top

“saturday. 8?” and then they walked off

it was their address. and he turned red for a second

jaehee

oh there was no way jaehee could do this

there’s no way mc would like her

they barely even hung out! 

sure, they would text each other every now and then. they’d talk in the hallways and eat lunch

but…they weren’t really friends

yet jaehee somehow managed to get a crush on mc. great.

she was sure mc saw her as everyone else did - quite robotic. not any fun at all

and..she had to admit, she was sometimes

so how was jaehee going to do this again?

ah yes, slip a note in their locker

she was just gonna pass by and slip it in

if it went wrong, mc could just text her a no. she could live with that

if it didn’t then…great! 

that’s what she told herself as she slid the note in

now to wait

it honestly was on her mind all day and she could barely focus on school work

and apparently her being nervous made her more robotic because everyone around her asked her about it

but who cares? she was only waiting on a response from mc 

she’ll probably get it when she gets home

“jaehee!” mc called, making her turn around

oh no no nono  they’re going to reject me right here right now, i was specifically trying to avoid this

“oh, hello mc. do you need help with anything?” 

“yeah, actually. what time should we go? and should I meet you somewhere or at your place?”

“….i’m sorry?” 

“our date, silly”

jumin

usually, jumin han was a confident teenager, but now…well..

im cr ying i just remembered i said jumin’s emo phase was in high school rip

so imagine a small, emo-phase jumin han trying to ask out his crush

you think it would be kind of weird, especially considering his outlook on life right now

but it was actually pretty simple

I mean, of course, besides the fact that he was still surprised he had a crush on someone

V had to literally tell him, “it’s because you have a crush on them, jumin. that’s why you keep thinking about them”

please spare this child

he invited them over after school one day to help them with their math homework 

and, trust me, everything was Prepared

so as you can imagine, it was going very well

they were getting their homework done, there were snacks, and mc honestly seemed to be having a good time

so…he just kind of went for it

“mc, may I ask you something?” 

of course his manners are still top of the notch, even through his emo phase

“sure, jumin. what do you need?”

“would you like to get dinner sometime? we could do tonight if you’d like, and I could have anything you’d like prepared. but don’t feel pressured, of course”

he’s rambling, how cute

mc laughed a little before putting a hand on his shoulder to get him to stop

“are you asking me on a date? or to just stay for dinner?”

jumin blinked, “A date.” 

“then yes.”

707 / luciel / saeyoung

one of his friends wouldn’t shut up about it

“the great luciel has a crusssshhhh” [ he still goes by luciel and hides his Angst, but he’s not a hacker ok ]

“no I don’t.”

he’s not allowed to have crushes, he has too much on his plate to worry about already

having a crush would only hinder him

but….mc was really fun to be around

and they cared about him 

maybe they would…be able to see through his mask 

but they wouldn’t like saeyoung. saeyoung was too weak and sad

no, he shouldn’t waste his time thinking about this, he had work to do

…….15 minutes later……..

wait, he built a little butterfly robot

and now he was seriously considering writing a letter

maybe he will

he just won’t sign it so they’ll have to guess who it was from

you think the butterfly robot would give it away, but honestly? 

it still could be anyone, they shared the same classes and they were all full of people who could do that

so he wrote the letter and sent it off the next day

it reached mc just before their first class together

they walked in holding the butterfly

saeyoung did a really good job, playing around and pretending he had no idea about it 

however, right before class was over, there was a note on his desk

but..he was the last one there? 

he opened it to find it saying, ‘did you forget I know your handwriting? also, I like you too - mc’ 

v / jihyun

you think jihyun would be rather shy about it

however, he was so smooth

the whole thing was really casual

they were paired together for an art project and started working at mc’s house

and they kind of got side tracked from the project to just talking

honestly, they were talking for far longer than they meant to

the project was forgotten

“oh! it’s getting late and I never realized…I should get going..” V said, looking at the time

mc looked at the time as well and gasped, “Oh!  and we barely finished the project”

V just stood up and smiled, shaking his head. “It’s alright, there’s tomorrow. We can focus on that tomorrow”

mc nodded in agreement, standing up as well. “Sounds good. And hopefully we’ll get the chance to finish that conversation”

v started making his way to the door, mc following him

“that sounds great, but I have a better idea.”

“oh do you? what is your idea, then?”

v turned around to face them, smiling lightly.

“we focus on the project tomorrow and finish it. Then we can finish that conversation another time. Over dinner maybe? We could start a new one too”

honestly, it was pretty direct and mc was caught off guard for a second

but they laughed once and nodded, “that sounds great, jihyun.”

V smiled wider. “great. I’ll see you tomorrow, mc”

saeran

no no no no absolutely not

there was no way saeran had a crush on someone

absolutely not 

he refused it

but then he saw mc again the next day

damnit

well…maybe it’ll go away if he doesn’t tell them

so that’s the plan

until saeyoung stares him down

and he knows he’s in trouble because saeyoung knows him too well

so they had a conversation at home about it

“why do you think it isn’t good to have a crush on someone?” saeyoung asked

“because there’s no way they’ll like me back? especially mc.”

and this pretty much continued all night because saeyoung wouldn’t let it go

but they eventually reached a compromise 

saeyoung would pretend to be saeran and ask for him

horrible idea, i know

so….let’s go! 

“hey, mc. may I ask you something?” saeyoung asked, trying his best to act like saeran 

“sure, saeran, what is it?” “would you…like to go out sometime? we could…check out that new place that opened up and get some ice cream after?”

saeyoung could literally feel saeran’s death glare from nearby

mc just laughed and nodded. “that sounds great. tell saeran I’ll meet him there at around 1, okay saeyoung?”

“sure thing, mc!” saeyoung said, “wait.” 

now saeran was really glaring at him

but mc just walked away smiling

…at least it worked

vanderwood

i feel like it was easy for vanderwood

the only problem was that they were friends and he didn’t want to make it weird

but honestly? they were planning to ask each other at the same time

so yeah, it was actually kind of awkward

and neither one of them really thought it through, it literally just showed up in a normal conversation

the two of them even asked at the same time

spare these awkward children

like, okay…listen..

their current conversation had nothing to do with it, either

“hey, vandy. do you want to go out for lunch or cook something?”

“how about we get something delivered? I don’t feel like doing much of anything, really.” 

“alright, i’ll order something in a second.” 

“by the way, mc?”

“yeah? i need to ask you something too.” 

and…you know? they actually spoke at the same time 

“for dinner, you wanna go on a date?” 

they both just..decided to Go For It, huh? 

the two of them stopped everything they were doing and looked at each other for a second 

and then they just laughed with each other

“I guess we know each other’s answers then.” Vanderwood said

mc nodded with a smile

“still, lunch first.” 

[sadrien]

prince of cats

chapter two: this holy shrine

on ao3 || on ffnet  1

i was gonna say something but im in like a really really bad mood right now so i hope you enjoy the chapter

Marinette hesitates for longer than usual at her apartment door. There’s no way her neighbor will be out and about at this time today, she’s never run into him before yesterday. Maybe he just had an errand to run or something. She shouldn’t be nervous about the slim chance of seeing someone she’s exchanged not even half a conversation with.

At least, that’s what she keeps telling herself.

The reality of the situation is that she fell asleep on the couch in the middle of designing an evening dress and had dreamt about his eyes. His eyes! God it’s like she’s a teenager again.

Just as she’d predicted, she doesn’t run into her neighbor. She’s strangely disappointed. Not that she had been looking forward to see him, she just—

Okay. Yes, she’d been looking forward to at least catching another glimpse of him. She kind of wants to hear his voice again, maybe hear him laugh?

For some reason, she thinks it would sound like springtime—

Marinette shakes away those wistful thoughts as she exits the building and makes her way to work. She focuses on the evening gown she started designing the day before and makes a point not to use any green. But she can’t help but think that it would look really nice with green accessories.

Why is she like this?

If any of her coworkers notice that she’s a little off, no one says anything. They probably don’t, they’re all drowning in anxiety as they rush to finish this line, but Marinette can’t help but worry a little whenever she catches herself staring off into the distance thinking about his smile.

Eventually, she gives in and pulls out her phone, texting Alya quickly. She should’ve told Alya yesterday at lunch. It probably would’ve turned out better.

From: fashion goddess To: the Most Beautiful      Sos      I need help

From: the Most Beautiful To: fashion goddess      babe arent u in work???      but as always im here to help and fix everything

From: fashion goddess To: the Most Beautiful      Theres a guy and hes cute

From: the Most Beautiful To: fashion goddess      idk what i was expecting but it wasnt that

Marinette resists the urge to bang her head against her worktable. She just needs one rant to Alya and hopefully all this will be over. She’ll get over this tiny infatuation and move on with her life. And stop thinking about his gorgeous green eyes and how he’d stared at her when— 

Her phone vibrates with a new message and breaks her out of her daydream.

From: the Most Beautiful To: fashion goddess      k so theres a guy      how can i help

From: fashion goddess To: the Most Beautiful      Good question      I jsut?? Cant stop thinking about him????

From: the Most Beautiful To: fashion goddess      oh wow      how come ive never heard about this guy??

From: fashion goddess To: the Most Beautiful      Um…      I met him yesterday???

From: the Most Beautiful To: fashion goddess      girl

From: fashion goddess To: the Most Beautiful      I know I know!!!      We ran into each other      Literally      And he was tall and blond and pretty and was wearing this gorgeous black trenchcoat but thats off topic and he had this cat that for some reason was all sparkly??? And his eyes were nice and I dont even know his name and Im going to stop talking and just send this message so you can judge me

Marinette puts her phone down and focuses on her job for a few minutes. Alya will still be there when this hem is done. She’s surprised to find herself in the zone and is even to ignore a few vibrations from her phone as she stitches. But it’s not meant to last, because as soon as she finishes the hem, she’s reaching to reply.

From: the Most Beautiful To: fashion goddess      oh girl      uve got it bad      for a complete stranger!!!!!      im not gonna judge i find random people hot all the time but im not usually this…….fixated on them

From: fashion goddess To: the Most Beautiful      Just do it al      Call me creepy

From: the Most Beautiful To: fashion goddess      ur a beautiful tropical fish mari      u poetic and noble land mermaid      ur not creepy ur in love

From: fashion goddess To: the Most Beautiful      You cant be in love with someone you just met Alya!!!!!!!!

From: the Most Beautiful To: fashion goddess      tell that to cinderella!!!!!!!!!!!!

From: fashion goddess To: the Most Beautiful      Plot twist this is real life al not an animated disney movie      I cant fall in love with someone I met ONCE

From: the Most Beautiful To: fashion goddess      not with that attitude

From: fashion goddess To: the Most Beautiful      Oh my god      Look I dont even know his name

From: the Most Beautiful To: fashion goddess      so we make up a name!!      lets see………      ive got it      chat noir      ur prince is named chat noir

From: fashion goddess To: the Most Beautiful      Excuse me

From: the Most Beautiful To: fashion goddess      he has a cat      he wore black      chat noir

From: fashion goddess To: the Most Beautiful      Youre truly the voice of our generation

From: the Most Beautiful To: fashion goddess      ;*      k i have to get back to work and i kno u do too (smh using me to procrastinate how dare u (ilysm)) but ill call u later      u me and nino can freak out about cute boys      k??

From: fashion goddess To: the Most Beautiful      Sounds great      Thanks <3

From: the Most Beautiful To: fashion goddess      of course darling!!      have fun with ur fashion ill hear u yell later

Marinette puts her phone away. She can last until tonight. Right?

Thank god it’s Friday.

✦ ✦ ✦

By the time her lunch break comes around, Marinette has been productive enough that she could’ve stayed home and the results would’ve been the same. She shouldn’t be letting something so trivial get in the way of her actual paying job, but apparently she has no control over her own thoughts.  

Marinette seriously debates taking the rest of the day off (because that’s really what she’s come to) but acknowledges that, no, that’s a bad idea. She’s an adult with deadlines and will get over it and be productive for the rest of the day.

She does go home for lunch, though. She has leftover takeout in her fridge and an episode of a random TV show to finish. She had stopped paying attention at some point to focus on her designs, but she had been weirdly invested in the over dramatic characters and cliche plotline.

Marinette is digging through her bag looking for her keys when she hears the door next to her unlocking. She freezes, eyes wide, as the door swings open.

Her neighbor hums to himself as he closes and locks the door behind him. He doesn’t even notice she’s there until he turns around and they make eye contact and Marinette goes redder than last winter’s avant garde piece.

“H-hi,” she stutters, clutching her keys tightly in her hand. She can feel the ridges of the key biting into her palm.

He blinks a few times before turning pink. “Oh my god,” he whispers, “you’re the one I completely knocked over and then ran away from yesterday.”

Marinette laughs awkwardly. “Yeah, that was… That was me.”

He rubs the back of his neck. “I-I am so sorry. I really, I just— I had to go grab Plagg before he vanished on me and I wasn’t thinking and then when I got back you were gone and—”

“It’s fine!” Marinette interrupts. At least she’s not the only mess in this hallway. “Plagg?”

“My cat,” he answers.

She raises an eyebrow. “The…sparkly one?”  

“Um…” He sighs. “Okay, so I might’ve used a bath bomb and I might’ve forgotten to rinse out the bathtub and Plagg might have gotten into it and might’ve rolled around in the glitter.” He looks away. “So my black cat might’ve been gold.”

Marinette covers her mouth with her hand to stifle a laugh.

“He’s fine!” her neighbor insists. “He got a bath and is hopefully completely glitter free now and also that glitter is made of seaweed so… He’s fine. Sorry for knocking you over.”

“No harm done,” Marinette promises.

His eyes go wide. “I just realized, I’ve been rambling on about my cat and you don’t even know my name.” He holds his hand out to her. “I’m Adrien. I’ve lived in the building for a few months I just…never got around to introducing myself to anyone.”  

Marinette smiles and shakes his hand. At least she can tell Alya they don’t have to call him Chat Noir. “Marinette. It’s nice to meet you. And your cat.”

“Nice to meet you too.” Adrien lets go of her hand and she mourns the loss of contact. Pathetic. “I have to run to the store, but maybe I’ll see you around later?”

Marinette nods. “Y-yeah, definitely.”

He shoots her a dazzling smile that melts her heart. “See you then.”

She stares at him until he disappears into the stairwell and continues to stare until the echoes of his footsteps fade. The she opens her apartment door and nearly collapses inside.

She’s going to be lucky if she makes it back to work in time.

✦ ✦ ✦

“Alright,” Alya says, pouring herself a glass of wine. “I’ve filled Nino in on the little situation and we are ready to yell about our tall, blond, and handsome Chat Noir.”

“You better be pouring me some of that,” Nino says from offscreen.

Marinette resizes her Skype window as Alya scoots over so Nino can sit next to her. Alya hands Nino the wineglass. “Here you go, babe.”

Nino takes it. “Are you not going to need another glass?”

Alya picks up the bottle. “Nothing wrong with drinking straight from the bottle.”

Nino shakes his head. “Anyway, tell us everything, Mari. I want to know it all.”

Marinette pulls her legs up onto the couch and crosses them. “Well…there was actually a development.”

Alya and Nino exchange a look.

“Tell me everything,” Alya says.

“Right, so remember when my neighbor moved out a few months ago?” Marinette asks.

They both nod.

Nino shudders. “Thank god too, I hated that dude. He was a massive dick.”

“Okay, well, then that new neighbor moved in and I never had time to meet them?” They nod again. Marinette takes a deep breath. “I just met him.”

Nino groans and Alya buries her face in her hands.

“He’s your fucking neighbor?” Nino asks. “That’s just—”

“You could’ve been gawking him for months!” Alya interrupts throwing her arms out.

“I just—”

“Wait, how have you never run into him before?” Nino asks. “Does he never leave the house?”

Marinette shrugs. “We must have very different schedules.”

Alya sighs. “And this isn’t fanfiction. People don’t just knock on their neighbor’s door asking for a cup of sugar.”

“His name is Adrien and his smile is like the sun,” Marinette waxes, sinking back into the couch. “He likes bath bombs and has a black cat named Plagg and when he blushes he turns the most perfect shade of pink.” She tenses. “I mean—” She glances to her laptop to see Alya and Nino watching her with fond smiles and soft eyes. Marinette looks away, feeling her cheeks grow hot. “Shut up,” she mumbles.

“It’s cute,” Nino promises.

“It is,” Alya agrees. “We haven’t seen you like this in years, Mari. It’s adorable. You’re adorable.”

Nino hums in agreement. “Though it sucks that we can’t keep calling him Chat Noir. I like the nickname.”

Alya scoffs. “Who said I was going to stop calling him Chat Noir? But…” She pulls out her phone. “With a real name, I can stalk him on social media.”

“Please don’t,” Marinette begs.

“Please do,” Nino counters, leaning closer to Alya to see the screen of her phone.

“Nino!”

“Hey! I want to see if this dude is as hot as you say he is.”

Marinette raises an eyebrow. “I’m sorry, are you doubting my judgement?”

Nino shakes his head. “Never. But if he is that hot, I still want to see him.” “I know you have a girlfriend, but I’ve still got dibs.”

“I’d leave Alya if he were hot enough.”

Alya grabs a pillow and smacks Nino in the face with it without even looking away from her phone screen.

Nino laughs and shoves the pillow away. “I love you, Al, I swear.”

“Mhm.” Alya frowns at her phone. “Okay, Mari, just ‘Adrien’ isn’t enough for me to find him—”

“Shocking,” Marinette murmurs.

“Shush I’m doing you a favor. With any luck he’ll be tweeting about how drop dead gorgeous his neighbor is or something. But anyway, I need you to get me some details. A last name would be preferable. But even like a place of work or a school would work.”

“Creepy,” Nino says before taking a long drink of his wine.

“And yet you date me anyway,” Alya muses. She looks up and stares Marinette down. “Last name, Marinette. Got that?”

Marinette nods. She’s going to have to find some non creepy way to do this, isn’t she? “Got it.”

✦ ✦ ✦

Marinette doesn’t wake up until ten in the morning, but she still wakes up exhausted. She stayed up far too late talking to Nino and Alya, Alya still trying to find some trace of Adrien on the internet as Nino and Marinette talked about anything and nothing at all. It’s been a few weeks since the three of them just talked like that, their lives are a hectic disaster, and Marinette’s missed it. They’ve been best friends for years and she definitely misses seeing them every single day at school.

She sings softly to herself as she wanders around the apartment, opening windows to let air in. It’s a surprisingly warm day for late fall, and she’s embracing every minute of warmth that she can.

Today’s a lazy day. She’s decided.

She’s meeting up with Nino and Alya later tonight for dinner and a movie at their apartment, but until then she can just lounge around in her pajamas and watch bad reality TV. Honestly, she’ll probably show up to their place in pajamas too. Not that they can judge, Marinette knows for a fact that Nino doesn’t change out of his sweats if he has a day off.

Marinette stops in her tracks when she reenters her bedroom. She blinks a few times, just to make sure she’s seeing right.

On her window sill naps a black cat, glittering slightly golden in the morning sun.

[survivor-kuwait]

Episode 8 - “These bitches really do be getting on my nerves” - Chloe

rip stevie :( in the aftermath of that tribal that legit just felt like one massive personal attack i decided to go do some homework bc something felt off to me!! madison was out there whining about OMG BEING IN THE WARZONE THE WHOLE TIME BOOOOOOHOOOOOOOO and yet lmao she's either been "excused" or gotten a strike for deadass just not doing the challenges. the jig is uP! i think it's fairly obvious people are just using the warzone as a way to build relationships and i mean who can blame them, but her whole pity party at these tribals needs to stop. my mood towards her has definitely soured in the last hour lol i'm over it  fam. also i've been talking to ian since the tribal to get some tea since tommy is legitimately useless. i'll like ask him what happened at tribal and he literally just goes "oh i just heard his name from everyone" shrug emoi LIKE!! WOULD IT KILL YOU TO FIND SOME MORE TEA OUT... anyways i find out from ian that cullan apparently brought up that they should target timmy for challenge prowess, to which ian said he shot down due to that being a slippery slope which soon leads to him. if that's true i'm v glad that that got shot down bc that's, in my mind, a shot fired at me. GIRRRRRL, like just leave me alone i shouldn't be fucking persecuted bc half of you guys are throwing challenges and i've actually been doing them. that doesn't mean shit. 

I was able to get 217 seconds on the slide puzzle. Would I get any better? 🤷‍♂️ I dont think so. I have my graduation today so hopefully this score is enough.

not gonna lie I compleeeeetely COMPLETELY forgot about the chall until this morning when I was walking to class and my dumbass is at class and work and class again until 10 pm today so I don’t rlly have a MOUSE on me..... cut to me desperately and embarrassingly texting my classmates asking them to bring a mouse to class for me nnnn this is not gonna go well. maybe it’ll be good for me to go to war zone anyways I guess 

Hi sisters! Last vote was super easy. It was like “Stevie k?” “K.” But also even though I feel like I’m a big part of the decision making process for every vote, I never get less nervous that everyone is lying to me! Strategic playing, or crippling trust issues? You decide.

These bitches really do be getting on my nerves

Its almost graduation time and im sooo nervous and excited. It would be nice to not be in warzone tonight. Please survivor gods help me.

Well this is a crucial immunity. After being out of the war zone for 2 in a row I feel at this point I am a little outside the people who have been there so many times. I think I have some strong bonds with some players but I do not that a couple have it out for me. Namely Madison and Jacob, which at this point I fed they should be over the whole Renee vote but that’s their prerogative. 

Sooooo Final 15 baby! Honestly Im so proud of this time around on my TS journey cause Im actually liking the individual competition portion of this game. Its like the merge part of any Survivor game but with a "tribal competition" aspect. Meaning that I only have to worry about me, myself, and I and I love that. I just need to show that Im the bad bitch that is in control and take this game by the fucking reins and show it who's boss. Aint no way Im gonna get 15th, 14th or 12th again madam. No way. 

Reinke

---

I survived, yeet. Kait survived, yeet. Ian went in, f*ck. Maynor went in, f*ck. Chloe went in, f*ck. Adrian went in...yeet.

Hello! I am safe again, 2nd time in a row? Idk. I do like Kait but I don't entirely trust her. I think I can use her for a bit as she'll believe she's using me. If I have the chance to get her out before or early merge, I will. Thomas is the most boring person in this game. I have yet to meet Timmy but I doubt anyone can beat Thomas in this feat. Talking to him is like talking to a wall. A white wall too. Also, he has no manners, demands favours and doesn't say please or thank you... The second I have the chance, he's gone. Nehe should've stayed, not him. Otherwise, Ian and I are working on some kind of power together for battleship. I really do like Ian. I hope we can make it far together, he's my number 2 after Owen. Together, we have the Topaz Idol and a potential save vote and a potential new power. Maynor and I have been socializing and friendly, I want him gone sooner than later but he's not a priority. He isn't great in comps generally. Still love Trace and I do trust him to an extent. I dislike Stephen, would like to see him leave relatively soon. I don't trust him at all. On the other side, Matt is going to tribal and him and I have built quite a bit of trust previously, I hope he makes it. I'm happy Cullan and Owen and Adrian are safe as I trust all 3 to certain extents. I would like Timmy to go due to his comp prowess and due to the fact we have yet to interact, but he's immune, again. I hope Chloe makes it out okay. I also hope Devon makes it out alive. I love that guy. I think Devon, Chloe, Trace and Ian can work together though! Matt could join with them as him and Devon were big parts of the Renee vote. Madison and Maynor, who were both left out of that vote, could see their way out which is A-okay by me. Jacob was also left out of this vote but I think Ian won't target him, just my two cents. I see Jacob as a better ally for me down the road compared to Madison or Maynor. That being said, I like many people in this game. I think my social game is strong. I do need to be careful with my words as some may catch on. And I may find myself at tribal with 7 ppl I like. I have my hierarchy of allies in my mind and I know who's at the bottom of my totem poll, I just hope I can get those who aren't even on it out first. I'm also a comp threat. Usually, I can lurk in the shadows more easily but with the dynamic and my low level of comfort with risk, competition prowess combined with my social game, though flashy, is what I'm betting on to keep myself safe. Owen and Kait and Timmy's competition prowess outshines mine and people peg Madison as the socialite who throws/does not complete comps to be in warzone. As long as there are some who play flashier than me, I'll be okay. Until next time!

I found a Rock Saver with the help of Corey, chill but I'm more than happy to send that over to him the second I'm back from warzone.  That is such a situational power and there aren't really alliances yet to risk rocks for, but when there are it will be within Corey and I's power to use.  Again, I'll play the idol to survive if I need to, but I'll do everything I can to prevent having to play it at f16, the jury doesn't care about what happens in the premerge portion of the game.

---

It's going to be Jacob or Madison this round. Idol or bust, Cancer will take a hit, because fuck cancer.  I'm done with the waiting for someone to take out players who have been just chilling in the Warzone, I'm done with the throwing challenges, I'm done with the deceit.  The Warzone is not redemption island, you can't feed me a fish and send me on my way to build your jury presence.  Madison is sans her warzone buddies, she's vulnerable besides Jacob.  Let's go!

I may be in the war zone rn but Ian is here and I have fuckin missed that boi so yanno pros and cons 

I so so so do not want to be here at Warzone again. This vote is probably the most complicated thus far because at this point I need a lot of things to go a very specific way in order for people to not realize I’m in the middle. Devon trusts me and wants to go with Ian’s plan to vote our Madison or Jacob and Madison and Maynor want to vote Ian which I would also like. However at this point I need to make everyone happy and the odds of doing that are so slim. I just have to convince Maynor wnd Madison to vote Jacob or Devon to vote Ian and neither one is the path of least resistance. I’m on the path of MOST resistance and by path I mean 1 inch wide tightrope suspended over hungry sharks.

I was not that surprised when I got voted out. I did not expect it because voting out Stephen did in fact seem like a plausible option and i felt that between him and myself it was kinda similar. It was believable that he would be voted off, but I totally understand why I was voted off. The interesting part about it to me is I think I was the least connected person in the game and I can see how that can get dangerous in merge because those people can flip a lot, but right now I thought it might've been a good opportunity to gain me as a number. I think this tribal was my first interaction with Trace and Ian. I did like them and I liked talking to them and I think I had potential to work with them if the plan of voting me out wasn't already in place. There were a few people I did not talk to that round because i didn't think I should've had to reach out to EVERYONE in order to talk to them. I just think there are alliances that have formed that i am not a part of because the decision-making for these votes is kinda weird and I don't always understand the motives. So to me an alliance i am not a part of makes the most sense. I was very excited about the lagoon though. I am hoping I get a chance to come back because that would be lit. I just need to stick it out through these votes and I am hoping Renee is connected to at least one of the other three so we can stay. Kinda glad Nehe is gone. I think he was bad for my game

Devon has been a godsend so far today, I talked to him last night about wanting Jacob or Madison out and he has up and ran with it.  Devon being the face on this vote? Yes please, I don't want to blow back on me if it flips.

I actually have people working with me and talking to me this round? 😮😮😮 crazy that maybe these people have finally stopped trying to get me fucking out 

Trying to talk to cullan rn and I can’t decide if it’s more or less difficult than talking to Thomas. He’s sent like three one word answers now.... Me: you doing anything exciting this weekend!? Cullan: Graduating. Ummmm ok hoe sounds real exciting hskshdjd like elaborate? Oh well I’m not answering. I tried to reach out bc my social game is ass rn but I’m not putting myself thru that today!!!! I miss Kait :( and I want to talk to corey :(((( grrrr they the real ones. And matt. Have yet to have a stimulating conversation with literally anyone else in this game. Wait ok actually I do like Timmy and madison SJSU’s je but madison busy too and Timmy sends LONG messages. Why can’t I have an in BETWEEN!!

I'm definitely going to see at least one vote tonight, I'm nervous about it because if people flip on me instead of voting Jacob I'll be dead to rights because I will not play my idol unless another idol is played. My thought process is that if I need my idol to save myself from a majority vote tonight then I wasn't bound to go far in this game anyway. I'll take my ball(advantages) and go home. 5 people told me they are voting Jacob, Matt told me Jacob is voting for me, if I'm being fed bullshit by everyone then that's just how the cookie crumbles.

Today has been quiet but people have brought up that Jacob and Madison are a strong duo. Matt was able to put the target on Jacob. It could be a 4-4 tie but Matt Madison n I might just go with majority and vote Jacob.

As per usual, I have no idea if I made a confessional about this or not. I can’t believe I won immunity, like I didn’t even have computer access. And i got 3rd so i had some margin to be safe (granted Adrian got 4th with one second more than me but still). That was the first time I did the puzzle because my other times were worse. If I was doing it on a computer my time would’ve been so much better so idk what happened with everyone else. And today Owen messaged me saying he feels kind of fucked because he hasn’t been to tribal in ages, which might be true but also he can probably win a lot of immunities come merge and people like him. I’m happy to work with him right now because we both have a lot of challenge wins but honestly I want him to go earlier on in merge because he is good at getting quick social connections.

oof mama, what a round this is panning out to be. First of all, I felt personally victimized by that challenge. The Ard tribe is full of some SERIOUS competitors, and that's the reason that I will most likely continue to show up at these stupid war zones until we merge. Fucking Kait has made it this far without going to the war zone at all, which is putting SUCH A LARGE target on her back. bUt whatever, it's just frustrating being on a tribe of people that probably do online puzzles for fun. So this round is interesting. After last round's unanimous vote, I feel a lot more comfortable working with certain people in the game. Ian has kind of solidified his spot as my number one in this game (more to come about that too). He came to me and was like we NEED to make a move against Madison/Jacob. He said he knows that Madison is a challenge threat, but is purposely trying to lose the challenges so that she can make connections with people in the war zone. Though he had made some points, I really don't think Madison is that smart to figure out how to do that. I really just think she is busy/not prioritizing and keeps showing up here. She seems pretty innocuous. That being said, she has become a bit of a social threat, slipping by all of these rounds without having to really do much. BUT, I do trust her and don't want her to be sent packing quite yet. Jacob, her star sign partner, on the other hand, can go. He doesn't talk at all, and when he doesn't they're boring one word answers. So I had pretty much set my heart on Jacob even though he is on our tribe, making my chances higher of showing up here if we keep doing the war zone format. To make matters more interesting, I talked a bit more to Matt this round and he told me that Madison and Jacob were gunning for Ian this round. Madison claims she is good with voting for Jacob, but everyone else says they seem to be a strong pair. I went straight to Ian with this and then he TOLD ME HE HAD AN IDOL. Honestly I am so happy to know he has it and not someone against me, because that's going to be some great information to have later on down the road. I think he is really paranoid, but at this point I just really cannot tell who is lying and telling the truth. I am hoping that people are being truthful and going to actually vote for Jacob, but I am trying to figure out who exactly has been saying Ian's name. It's ultimately going to be up to him whether he wants to play the idol this round but oof, if I were him, I'd be sweating. SO we shall see, but lord knows I'm shaking in my loafers!

[survivormontenegro]

Episode 9: “-28... negative. 28. negative. twenty. eight.” - Jason

i'm fully a psycho, i practiced my acting in the mirror to pretend I accidentally voted Ian. its a mess. a REAL mess. and I might have done it for no reason, they took it super well so maybe I... shouldn't tell Jason...

i literally am why Ian left. I wanted him out since round two, and I made it happen even though nobody wanted it to. I FINALLY ACTUALLY MADE A MOVE IN A GAME. I FINALLY DID SOMETHING I'M SO HAPPY asldfa. I could CRY, I can leave this game happy.

um da fuck alalkdgh well I aldlkj so alkjdfc;l.

^ decipher thats all I got.

No honestly I don't know what to think right now. Everyone went crazy last tribal and I feel like I need to explain myself a little bit? First off my alliance voted someone oppositely of what they told me they'd do. And secondly, they used me as a total fallback. And what made it me CRACKED asf was that they told me none of it. Like we talked in the morning about how shit was going to go down tonight and decided on Jason. We were all in agreement and it was in motion. Later Tom asked me what the vote was and I was told to tell him Ian. Except Alex told me that he told him Me. Without warning me. At all. Which is like shitty. So I kinda got paranoid and started asking around and seeing what was what, and thats when Tom came up to me and said that there was a big blindside to vote me off led by Alex. Of course, my initial thought was that this could be happening and he made this big plan to vote off Alex and I talked to Ali about it but ULTIMATELY I decided to go with Jason as I promised. My mistake I guess was telling Jones, who I really trusted, saying that they wanted to make a move on Alex but I trusted him and said I voted Jason. I only said so because I was worried that it might fall through and I might need to be saved by her idol. Which I know is hers of course and I don't want to dictate when she can use it but with this insanity going around I just was really nervous. But honestly I can't believe that Alex and them all just decided against voting Jason without telling me. They said it was to save me, which of course is true, but they didn't tell me. And it was SHITTY for Alex to not tell me that he threw my name to Tom, like truly dumb. I know I've said I might want him out soon a lot, but honestly I HAVE NO IDEA what I'm going to be doing with the next tribal. I do wanna say tho that I like him as a person a whole lot! He's sweet and loyal and really kind, I just think he's gonna end up dominating this game if people let him.

PS I don't know if Julia has a problem with me. We were suppose to be voting together for Jason, and while she doesn't owe me anything, she just wouldn't talk to me. Like I think I wouldn't have CRACKED so hard if I could just reach her and get a grip on how she was voting.

She's being chaotic on purpose but only to me? I don't get it.

okay I'm off the alliance call. I just sent a really like emo paragraph to my hostchat but I'm so happy, which is gross because I just did Ian so dirty but lemme explain.

I have played 7 games before this (3 Survivor, 4 Big Brother) - I've come 2nd in five of those games, and without exception I have never EVER played a game I'm proud of. I always make fun of my game for being crap. Like I'm always a goat, always crap, and always play passively.

I'm so excited about this season and this game because... I'm finally playing the game and a game I am proud of. Like I'm not fussed about winning or making FTC, because lets be real, it fully is not happening, but I wanna leave the season proud of my game. And I already so am, like... I've wanted Ian out since round two, and I've been determined to make it happen.

And I did that. I literally was angling to get him out via a vote switch and then when the vote split came up, I knew exactly what to do. I knew Ian would be less willing to make amends and more able to make connections. I knew Ian was a threat and so urgently needed to be removed because he could keep a grip on the game.

I can't believe that. In a tribe of twelve people, where nobody wanted Ian out (the four votes for him were all just for the sake of a vote split), and I singlehandedly forced it through. I saw a target, knew to make a move and got them out. IM SO HAPPY.

in other news... I am a psycho, I literally went to a mirror, practised how to look shocked and then went on that call and acted my HEART OUT. I think people bought it, but it is. the. most. cracked. thing. I. have. ever. done.

I'm now kinda stuck, because I have two options. Either I tell Jason what I did earning his trust, or I just... try and work with Jason without telling him. One is riskier with more potential long term benefit, and one is a much safer bet. I am gonna think on it and decide tomorrow.

Also I was really mean about Jones, Mo & Alex in my confessionals earlier. I take it back, on calls they are so FUN. I think they just aren't texting people so I don't judge. Doesn't mean I necessarily wanna go too far with them, but I love them as people and feel bad for being mean.

also since this round solidified that much as I'm proud of my game, I'm not making FTC, I'd rank people in the order I'd vote for them as a juror as:

Jules > Alex > Mitch > Tom > Benj > Jones > Julia > Jason > Caeleb > Mo

Jules/Alex/Mitch seem very switched on, Tom making it to the end would be a real underdog journey, Benj is a king and has the right idea with an undercover duo, Jones/Julia savvy queens, Jason actually also has an underdog story we will need to see with that one, Caeleb telling Jones about the Alex plan is a real dumb move imo which lowers his rank for me. Mo is my SON and I love him but would need to see more game from him to be comfortable voting him at FTC in any scenario.

also ian talking about dom not deserving to win switzerland set off kill bill red flags for me. nobody who talks about dom negatively lives to tell the tale, you go BYEBYE. but also ian ilysm, like you were a major threat and had to go, but on a personal level i love you with my whole heart.

okay last confessional for now, the two moods:

June 30th yeehaw

July 2nd

Extra notes:

Benj and i are working on the idol hunt together and I’m already on like,, 30 w him so it’s gucci, I’m not gonna tell Alex ab it or anything bc I kinda wanna try and stray away from him a bit?? Like he doesn’t have to know EVERYTHING Ab my advantages yk?

And I’m probs not gonna try and use the vote cover on anyone rn bc every single one of my allies is like,,, up for exposure???? So that’s wacky,,

Also bc Ian was absolutely ROBBED of jury we’re thinking it’s a F2

Bc OF COURSE IT IS which I’m not mad ab but I have to think ab who i’d Really want to sit with,,, best case scenario for me is probs Benj,, maybe Mo? Not too sure,, but um ya barbecue sauce on my thiddies here we go into f11 onward and upward amirite

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RGv10gbJxVU

this was b4 tribal 

So I lost Ian... and I'm kinda mad about it! I can't help but feel like I'm on my way to the jury because even the next day people are still acting super weird with me. I don't really understand how I'm a threat to anyone right now though??? Like I guess the Me/Ian power duo thing was valid but Ian's gone now so that argument should be moot.

I have no idea what to do moving forward. Up this point my game has been based on how I interpret conversations with people and how much I thought I could trust them... but I can't do shit if no one wants to talk to me (and I cannot stress ENOUGH how much sense this doesn't make).

The one good thing about me staying in the game I guess is I now have free reign to do whatever the fuck I want with my time left here. If I can blow up as many games as possible and stir the pot as much as I can at least I go out having fun?? Right?? But bottom line is I fully intend on lone-wolfing this game for however long I'm still here for.

My current first steps are to first throw Julia under the bus to Caeleb, and hopefully get something going with Caeleb. If I'm in with Caeleb, it might help with Alex, Jones, and Mo using me as a number.

Next is to pretty much sell my soul to the kingpin of this entire thing right now, Alex. I'm imagining a faux-Phillip Sheppard scenario where I tell Alex he owns my vote, but he doesn't really. I have no clue if he'd bite but it's worth trying because what the fuck else do I have left.

On the topic of Alex, I could also try to shift his attention into targeting someone like Mitch or Benj? I can embellish a little bit and tell Alex that Mitch is spreading a rumor that he has the Dirt People Idol or something along those lines.

Next on the (tentative) agenda is to talk with Jules and try to see where I stand with her. For some reason I feel the most burned by her from last tribal?? I don't trust her at all but as long as she thinks that door is still open I'll hear what she has to say. Maybe I can guilt her into giving me more info as well?

And the last thing I can think of is try making a better connection with Mo and Jones, and hopefully start some sort of game relationship with those two. I don't really see myself getting far with this one considering these two have been hit or miss in the conversations I've had with them, but there isn't anything worth not trying at this point.

Back to a less gamebotty point of view, I've honestly been oscillating between being angry and being upset about how last tribal broke down, mainly because I feel like Ali, Julia, and Mitch could've waited a lot longer to do something like this if they were worried about me and Ian (which I still believe they had very little reason to be worried right now in the first place). But I also feel like I had 9 doors slam in my face and the only person I can still be real with is Tom. I'm back at square one and I'm not happy about it, but I didn't come back to this godforsaken ORG to go down easy so I've gotta keep moving for as long as I can.

(Also I need to be willing to let go of Tom. I'm not gonna go out of my way to burn him, but I'm also beyond the point of wanting to stick my neck out too far for him. My longevity is the only priority right now.)

okay so... this vote is operation get Caeleb out of here. I really wanted to work with Caeleb, and I think he could have been a really useful number, but like... him telling Jones about the plan to vote Alex really, really rubbed me the wrong way. Like I do not trust him at all after that, I really do not know where we are at now.

So here is the goal. I'm about to call Jason and hopefully get him back on side. Then hopefully between Jules and I, we can convince Space Jam to vote Caeleb (I'm still confused how close he is to Mo/Jones/Alex, could be a good test). With Caeleb, a potential number for them, out of the way, next round its time for a big move, its time for one of Jones/Alex/Mo to go.

The numbers for that move would be (hopefully) Me, Jules, Julia, Tom, Jason, Mitch (6/10) + Benj hopefully, or at worst I'll just keep him in the loop. I really think Caeleb going could be so so good, it really opens up numbers and weakens Jones/Mo/Alex - it also narrows down where the idol is, something that we have to stay conscious of.

At the moment, my closest allies are definitely Jules and Benj. Jules is just.... the best, so woke, so on the ball, I am LOVING playing this season with them. Benj is such a king, my earliest like 'proper' ally even though Julia approached me after like 0.5 seconds in the game ha. I love Benj, and at the moment he also is quite out of the loop, he could also be a workable FTC option. I'm really stuck with Jules and FTC - you would be crazy to take Jules, as articulate and smart as they are, to FTC, but I really don't think I could face writing Jules' name down, I would feel AWFUL.

Also thoughts on Tom? He is too good for this world, he was so sweet about Ian/Jason going and like I really relate to the emotions he feels in games, on a personal level he is the best.

I feel like my plan going forwards is vote off Caeleb, then Alex, then Jones/Mo, and then figure it out from there. I really think if I play it right, I can slowly and calmly continue to have real swing over this game, I'm mc'loving it.

Also, because I keep doing this and its a fun pattern at this point, this is the order in which I would vote for people at FTC, if I go 11th at the moment:

Jules > Jason > Alex > Julia > Mitch > Jones > Tom > Benj > Caeleb > Mo

okay i just called Jason, such a king! i feel like i was VERY awkward, and I like I didn't articulate myself very well, but... he gets that we are going to need to potentially pull some shenanigans. I really want Caeleb then Alex, but if we need to just do Alex first, I can deal with that.

I think ideal situation is Tom wins immunity, Space Jam wants to vote Caeleb - we all go along with it, and then Alex goes next round, but we will see eek!

Oh wow hi it’s me, Mo.

So here’s the rundown on what’s happened the past couple rounds for my dumbass. First let’s start off with getting to merge, it’s a talent of mine, don’t look at my Italy placement. We’re out of that dumb fucking cave so no more waiting which is great. Another cool thing is I’m actually allies with Julia now which is weird because I’m going to be honest I was terrified of her going into this game. We had a past game experience that made me fearful. But now I’m sitting comfy in a majority alliance with Alex, Ali, Jones, Jules & Julia. By the way this is a first time thing for me, being in a majority alliance during merge. So this at least guarantees me final 7 or 6. It took me four tries to spell guarantees, who’s idea was it to put the u in front of the a it’s fucking stupid. But like here’s the thing, my gameplay is somewhat underwhelming. Basically my game relies on jury management and likability. Because I can’t strategize for shit, I just kinda smile and waddle forward when a door opens. I thought at this part of the game I would be close allies with Tom again but that didn’t happen. Apparently JJ told Tom about an alliance made in old Durmitor with Alex, Jules, Jones & Evan??? Made to like simmer JJ down. So now Tom doesn’t want to work with any of them (Which mind you three of them are my close allies) so he confronted Alex about it and I think he was like butthurt about not being included??? But like bitch I wasn’t included either but I’m not sulking about it. It wasn’t even a serious alliance. Also back to my alliances, sorry I know this is mixed up. MESSY, WHO BROUGHT NAPKINS IM GETTING MESSY. But I was also in an alliance with Alex, Jones & Caeleb after the swap. Called the Durmitor Dominators which is still a thing. But Caeleb wasn’t added to the Space Jam alliance with the group of 6 so I’m like??? What’s going on there??? I should probably talk about it with Alex because I am confusion. Also now there’s this new twist since we got out of the Dua Lipa cave, now we have to adjust to the sunlight with this exposure twist which basically means whoever gets eliminated gets to expose three people and whoever is exposed still by the tribal has to write who they’re voting for in chat. So I love that. But that’s about it for me thank you for taking the time to read this.

I DO NOT WANT TO BE VOTING JASON AT ALL THE FUCK I WANT TO GET ALEX THE FUCK OUT OF HERE BUT NO CAELEB APPARENTLY WANTS TO VOTE JASON I HATE THIS THEY REALLY ARE TRYING TO GET MY HOMIE JASON OUT!!! WAS I CONSPIRING AGAINST HIM AND IAN ALL WEEK? MAYBE SO! BUT I DON'T WANT HIM OUT YET!!! I DON'T!! WE ARE TRYING TO BLINDSIDE ALEX BUT THIS AIN'T WORKING UGHGHGHGHG *STOMPS ON THE GROUND* UGHGHGHGH I HATE THIS GOODBYE

Sooo besides the fact that it took me 5 minutes to find the confessional tab because I havent been doing these im here to update!!! Ian was just voted out and although i'm fine with it for now, I was NOT expecting a split vote. That makes me feel a little bit nervous going further into the game. I did think it was beneficial to split up the Jason/Ian duo but i was expecting Jason to go; not Ian. Anywho im almost positive im in the same predicament this vote. I've mended my relationship with Jason and im working very well with Tom to flip the script on Alex (who I believe to be running the game). Typically I would wait a few more rounds to get Alex out, but if everyone is playing for him to win, I might miss my opportunity like I did in my last season. I'm not blind! I'll do whatever it takes to go far and put myself in people's endgames. RN swapped Durmitor has the power. I dont necessarily like that because although im not on bad terms with them, I'm definitely on the bottom of that totem pole.

Tom sent seven confessionals in a row to be put at different places throughout this and last episode??? I guess??? But no thank you, so enjoy the thoughts in the order he apparently had them. ~Drew

*1 hour before tribal*

WHY IS ALEX SO CRACKED HONESTLY alex has said ian, caeleb and jason to 3 people i dont understand i am most likely getting played here but i dont want any of them to go, i see very high potential when working with all three of them so i think im going to try to make a big move and take out alex. I'm immune this round but next round im not so its a bit risky. I think Ali and Jules would be on board if there was the numbers there so if me ian jason julia ali and caeleb all voted together that would be majority and alex would be the first blindside of the game....

Tom

*10 hours before tribal council*

Everyone is pretty much dead silence i feel like everyone has an idea of who they would like to target but no one is really wanting to be the first person to throw a name out there so like its gonna get so fucking messy whilst im asleep and imma wake up to one big mess i already know it

Tom

*1-2 hours before tribal*

Okay so I've just woken up and i just spoke to alex and he seems like he just wants to do anything to get his ass safe this round which is sketch af, he is saying the vote is caeleb to me so thats cool and all but i asked caeleb what he was hearing just to get both sides and caeleb said alex said jason..... so like wtf is alex trying to do.....

TOM

ABORT MISSION ABORT MISSION sinking ship is near i cba voting for alex now that he has told jones, he did the same thing as evan and i am just ready for his ass to go out the door ugh im so annoyed!

Tom

OKAY I CANNOT DEAL WHO THE FUCK IS THIS CAELEB KID HONESTLY WHY ARE YOU SUCH A FUCKING IDIOT WHY DID YOU GO AND TELL JONES LITERALLY ALL OF WHAT I SAID....ITS A KNOWN FACT THAT THEY'RE A DUO OPEN YOUR STUPID EYES IDIOT!!!! THANKS SO MUCH NOW IMMA GET FUCKED OVER AND GET TARGETED BY ALEX AND HIS MINIONS NEXT ROUND. THIS IS WHAT I GET FOR TRYING TO SAVE SOMEONE I WANT TO WORK WITH IN THIS GAME....

Tom

*Tribal just happened*

Oh okay uhm well thats just fucking sad. I would like to say i never cry when a close ally is eliminated but i am a mess, i am crying right now at work and my driver is like "uhm are you okay..." yeah man im okay just crying over an ally that essentially died because i cant even speak to him anymore rip :( I miss ian so much i am so fucking furious that i am blindsided again at merge tho.... also really 9 people were in on that blindside split vote.....WOW! I am so surprised that ali and jules didnt tell me about the plan tbh they can say all they want about how they thought i knew but like if you thought i knew you should've just spoken to me about the vote.... like WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU SPLIT UP JIAN when JONEX is still in the game they're much more dangerous and so much harder to get out every round we get closer.

Tom

waa waaa waaa call the wambulance! My plan is working so far i think tbh, mitch has been very responsive about this round and i am fairly certain that he has realised how fucked of a position he is in this game without me and jason here so he made an alliance chat which is good because that means he will work with us even just for this round. I think a lot of people now jian is out, have realised the next big big duo in this game is jalex so hopefully the movement on them occurs!

Tom

*hour after tribal*

Okay so this is shit me and jason are in minority and will most likely get votes split against us.... time to do something about it, in the past merges ive been too ive been in the bottom, and i was taken out this time it wont be happening as much as alex would like it too i will not let it happen! This cast seems to have fairly emotional sympathetic people in this game so imma express how sad i was at the tribal say i was balling my eyes out when ian left and how i feel so down and out and that i am very lost and sad in this game. Because this will make people feel bad for not including me in the plans and also it will create conversation for them to work with me to build my spirits up again and make me happy.

Just thinking about this exposure twist. Kinda cool actually. I'm surprised to say it but I think this might be the type of thing that I like to see??? Who am I. Kinda wish the reward challenge was more of a flash game over a typing game, only because I wanna know how hard the winner worked to get that score. Like for typing you kinda either are already good at it prior or you're shit at it, so I can't tell if Alex put in a bunch of time and effort to win. If it was some weird flash game that had a steep learning curve then I would know better and have a better grip on the game Alex is playing. Regardless, kinda excited about Benj having the curse because I think(?) that we can use that to actually do something crazy? Like I'm thinking a 5 vote blindside tie type situation where Benj throws out a red herring type of vote. We'll see, but I think I need to keep a low profile so who knows if that'll come to fruition.

okay mitch! has! been! elevated! to! king! status!

me and mitch have had a good conversation which I'm super SUPER happy about, he is someone who is in a similar spot to me, so I am SOOO happy we are talking yay. He agrees Alex needs to go soon, like... people are on the same page, maybe its time for it to hap' hap' happen.

since alex won reward, he'll of course save himself, which is fine. it means julia and benj are exposed, and while they're both close allies of mine, they are probably the two who would be in the toughest spot to vote alex, julia since she is like out of nowhere close to him, and benj since he is close to jones.

the plan could be to get alex and co to agree to another split vote or something, which separates numbers that could allow us to strike versus Alex. Maybe if we did like... Alex/Jones/Mo/Caleb on someone, Benj/Julia on another and then Me/Jason/Tom/Jules/Mitch on someone, making a 5-4-2 vote. oh god these merge vote counts have been so so cracked.

we will see. i think my placement this season is going to be like... 8th or something? I am scared of flipping for two votes in a row, BUT I feel like the good news is if I was getting voted out, either Tom or Benj would now hear about it, so I should be able to still play my idol. We will see ahh, but its very scary!

as always with my confessionals:

Bootlist: Alex > Caeleb > Jones > Jason > Mo > Mitch > Julia > Jules > Me/Tom/Benj F3

here is the problem though, I can't vote Jules out. I am such a Jules stan, voting them out would snap my heart it half, I really don't think I could do it. I think I would need others to do it, I'd probably want to be blindsided by it and kept in the dark.

and then the order I would vote people in an FTC:

Jules > Alex > Jason > Mitch > Benj > Julia > Tom > Jones > Caeleb > Mo

Ok so now I’m getting added to a third alliance chat which is supposedly a final 3 alliance. But like here’s the thing, I’d be sitting next to Jones & Alex. I have a snowballs chance in hell of winning against either of them. Everyone loves Jones and Alex has been kinda running this game so far. I’m just kinda his goat. Don’t get me wrong I wanna start making some moves but it’s too early, right now I want to stay unthreatening and low key. I might just have to ride this coat tail to the end because if we have bitter jurors they’ll end up looking at Alex.

So Alex says he didnt read the challenge post... yet came 2nd?

I dont buy it, I fully believe if I ask Benj and others what Alex asked to give him, he will say negatives. He is such a fraud.

also this split vote will be his undoing... his ass is about to be grass... mwahahahahha

-28... negative. 28. negative. twenty. eight. what the FUCK did i do to these people??

I don't even know where to go from here.

...but I mean I kinda do.

I can use this to further push the narrative that I've got no one and hence nowhere near the biggest threat/I'm the easiest target there is and HOPEFULLY people take their eyes off of me.

Aside from that what I WANT to do is vote Alex out (big change from my last confessional, I know). I think I have Tom and Jules on board if I were to pitch it to them, same with Mitch and Ali. I MIGHT have Caeleb but he ran it back to Jones last round so the precedent's already set. So from there to have a five vote majority was I was considering to split the other 6 votes. Julia and Benj are getting their votes exposed so they probably want to vote majority, which I'm anticipating to be someone like myself, Tom, or Caeleb. Ideally, the vote splits one of two ways— NEVERMIND

!! BREAKING !!

Tom says via Ali that Alex thinks that the 9 that split their vote on me and Ian are gonna split their vote again on me and Tom, but Ali isn't on board with that (if he's being honest), and I'd have to assume the same goes for Mitch since there's now a chat with myself him and Tom. So the plan from there (which ties into what I was planning anyway) is to get Jules on board (we called the day after tribal, she SOUNDS like she'd be down), and let the rest of them split their vote.

So that means...

FUCK Alex

FUCK Caeleb

FUCK Julia

FUCK the rest of em bc who??

[but not really it's a game I don't mean it]

But as far as tribal plans right now go... ideally it turns out

5-4-2

5: Me/Tom/Mitch/Ali/Jules for Alex

4-2: Some combination of Alex/Mo/Caeleb/Jones/Julia/Benj for me/Tom

I probably get the 4 again, Tom gets 2... or other way around??? I get the 2 if Mitch/Ali/Jules are meant to vote for me?

But anyways don't be shocked if this is all for nothing and this is my last confessional x

god... negative 28...

i am so frustrated with julia. okay so tom told me apparently on call she said she has a F3 with Alex/Jones, specifically a F2 with Alex. Now... I fully feel like Tom made this up, BUT I asked Julia about the vote and she says she wants to ride out the Space Jam alliance...

is she nuts. is she NUTS kjlasdfas. Literally I feel like WAY too much of this tribe is drinking the Alex Kool-Aid and I can't describe how frustrating it is lowkey. Like I sided with Alex relying on like... Julia's wokeness that we could then detach ourselves, Alex is now FULLY running this tribe and it terrifies me.

It solidifies to me that Alex needs to go this round. Like....this round. He is running this tribe, he has grips on Jones/Mo/Caeleb/Julia, and potentially Benj through Jones. That is SUCH a large amount of this tribe, so I need to stick my neck out. I'm fully embracing that I'm not making FTC at this rate, so it's just time to shake stuff up.

Here is the plan. I am going to play into the split vote plan, we can get Alex and his minions as they shall henceforth be called to split their votes between Jason and Tom, and then maybe Me/Tom/Jules/Mitch/Jason vote out Alex or any of his minions, I don't care which.

At this rate, I'm going to be going into F10 in a potential 5-5 situation, but honestly... Jones/Mo say about a word and a half of game between them each round so they are not workable allies, Julia who flips at literally the drop of a hat is suddenly misted by Alex and Co., Caeleb is just infuriating for telling Jones about the Alex vote, shows he can't be trusted. That leaves only Benj my king, the only woke one, though I am afraid of his connection to Jones.

I just WISH this TRIBE would use their BRAINS. Specifically Julia at the minute.

I’m so TIRED I’ve been so quiet maybe that’s why people are thinking about targeting me :)

Ok ok lemme back up a lil,, this is all according to Alex,, which,,,,,,, idk about YALL but he’s giving off a bit of a paranoid energy right now,, and I’m fully aware of the fact that he has the best chance at winning this game out of anyone here, sooooo maybe let him get eaten by the wolves soon? Not necessarily soon but like,, ya soon. Don’t wanna get him to the end skkdkdkdks. I also think separating myself from Alex might take a target off of MY back, I’ve been trying to separate myself like on my own terms but I think I need to start like,,, setting the stage kind of thing. Idk all I know is that I have a better chance sitting with anyone BUT him,, So maybe it wouldn’t be a bad thing to push Alex into the fire a little bit.

I have yet to hear a name, though I’d like to get Tom out personally? He can slide utr really easily,, plus we can (or at least I can) confirm he doesn’t have an idol, the only question is does Jason have an idol and is willing to play it on the only person he voted with? Who KNOWS!! We just have to make them feel comfy (assuming we have the majority vote that is KSKSKS)

But ya stay tuned laid ease

okay so alex is really trying to play me and its very transparent. now, this could just be tom playing which if so, good for him, his mind and his MIST, but here is the deal.

tom tells me him and alex had a conversation about pairs, where Tom threw out Alex/Jones as a pair, and Alex threw out Julia and I. Then in Alex's retelling of that same conversation, side note its funny that I heard the same conversation from both sides in the space of about 10 minutes, Alex conveniently leaves out that he threw out me and Julia as a pair, and he is SO defensive about him and Jones as a pair.

Jones was on my ass immediately when Caeleb told her Alex could be the vote, and Alex also knew super fast. You are really going to try and convince me that you aren't even close when you have spent 23 days on a tribe together, and from the sounds of things, voted together every single time! im not buying it.

for this vote, i want either alex or an alex minion out, i think mo would be the most do-able. jones is close to caeleb, who we will need as a number, so if alex's idol paranoia is too big, maybe we need to remove mo from the equation? we will see.

mo is my org son, and i love him on calls and such, but I am confused by the game he is playing. I'm potentially super underestimating him, which is a definite possibility, but at the moment.... its like... do something charlie. is he just going to hide behind Jones and Alex, because that's not smart.

i would like to see Alex go this vote, but i think he is already too paranoid (i think tom stoked his paranoia WAY too much). I think Mo could end up being the back up vote, which is probably actually okay, because Alex is a definite shield moving forwards, particularly if still paired with Jones.

Updated Jury Vote Rankings:

Jules > Alex > Jason > Tom > Mitch > Benj > Julia > Jones > Caeleb > Mo

okay I'm like... getting frustrated with Alex. he literally does not know how to be subtle about anything lowkey, like this vote split is literally his 4 OG Durmitors voting 'correctly', leaving all his unsure numbers Me/Jules/Julia/Benj on Jason... like mc'what...

i really want him gone, EVERYONE is drinking the Alex Kool-Aid. Maybe I'm not seeing it, but Jones and Mo particularly are playing SO passively, I fully want to scream.

I need to convince Caeleb to make a move. It's really time to just send Alex, or literally any of his minions out of here. I want to include Julia so badly, but she is so blindly misted by him out of nowhere, I hate it UGH.

I think I want Alex and Mo out as the next two votes, Alex runs the show and Mo is just too passive of a player to be a workable ally. Jones is much more of a threat, but Benj likes her and I want to respect.

I just can't deal with Alex and Co. playing so passively for another round, I'll scream KLASDFA.

Alex aka Gru (because of his minions) unfortunately goes byebye tonight. It took a bit of last minute persuading of Caeleb, but we have GOT THIS ahh.

It looks like its going to be either 6 votes or 5 if Tom self-votes on Alex (Me, Caeleb, Jules, Tom, Jason & Mitch), 3 on Tom (Jones, Mo & Alex) and 2 on Jason (Julia and Benj).

This could definitely backfire, but I don't think I'll go home (famous last words), and if Tom/Jason gets idoled out, next round there is still wiggle room because I still have my KING Benj on the other side. Jones/Mo/Julia are going to be coming for my neck, but I'd rather face the minions than Gru himself NNN,

i might live to regret this if Caeleb turns on me, but I take back everything negative I've EVER said about Caeleb. He is an icon, and so so fun to talk to. I feel like he really trusts me now, so I can't turn on him unless I have to.

New goal final five is Me/Jules/Benj/Tom/Caeleb... and I think its do-able. We get Alex out this vote, then Julia/Mo/Jones/Jason as the next four, followed by Mitch... I'm not sure how exactly, but we will figure it out AHH.

[highlonelylustfull]

28-Mayo-2019

Oh Master Sauce Feet Peach/Butt emoji, what am I supposed to do about you. We talked on the phone really briefly last night and we were going to finish the conversation today which didn't end up happening. I had trouble going to sleep last night because my mind was just racing thinking about you, and I rolled over to check my phone and maybe send you a text, and boom a message from you. You said that you had been talking about me to your mom. I like that all the women in your life (except Georgie..? know about me). I like that you aren't keeping me a secret in that way, because that was what hurt me with Matt, and I can see you making a conscious effort to filter yourself, and hold back. I can't imagine what this must feel like, and I know that you're working on the situation little by little. I need to trust and have faith in you, give you the benefit of the doubt. When I thought you hadn't even brought up the subject with Georgie, you had and were looking for ways to continue the conversation, which surprised me. I need to accept that I have no idea what's going on and have faith.

The longer that things have gone on, and especially now that we aren't talking as much, I feel this strong inner attraction to you, like I’m literally being drawn and pulled towards you. I’ve also noticed that because we talked last night I had the most wonderful morning with the kids, and when we hadn't talked by the afternoon the weather changed a little bit. 

I have never in my life felt more ready to commit to someone, and build a family from the ground up. Build something, create something with my partner. I trust that in the right moment they will be put in my path in a way that is clear and more permanent. I know that I need to leave Charlie alone, but the idea that maybe he's thinking of me, and that im just obsessively thinking of him, and that maybe one of those thoughts collide, just makes me feel this need to talk to him. It goes beyond want. I really feel like he's trying to do right by everyone and not hurt anyone as he said, and there's this knowing that he's going to be someone special in my life. I can always feel the tides shift when someone important has been put in my life. Someone that im going to let in, and I start nesting in the ways that I can. Such as watching a million ted talks and interviews with interview experts to see what makes a good relationship and how to make it last. The lasting part is the part that im most interested in. Having the trust and the love, deep love for as many years as possible and hopefully as long as I live. 

I dont think I have ever been with someone that reminds me so much of myself and thats probably why he feels so familiar. I understand his thinking patterns and motives (from what I've seen so far) because I have very similar ones. 

I got all dressed up and practiced lap dancing today, and it went surprisingly well. My sexual energy was just overflowing today and I think im actually ovulating and now starting my period because I could feel my hormones out of whack and the sticky idea that my tummy is too big, that im fat, that I need to punish myself. To which I paused, listened, and accepted myself in that moment. Tried to listen to my body and put on different lenses.

I made the most beautiful muffins today!! Also I talked to Adolfo and Juan and turns out Juan knows the Decano of Medicine at CEU and he thinks that I should be able to get in just fine with the 7 (6,75 whoops I lied because I felt inadequate and disappointed in myself) and 8,9 homlogacion. SO lets manifest this: I WILL START MEDICINE THIS YEAR AT CEU. I WILL START MEDICINE THIS YEAR AT CEU. I WILL START MEDICINE THIS YEAR AT CEU. I AM SMART. I AM ADECUATE. I AM ENOUGH. I AM WORTHY. I CAN DO IT. I WILL DO IT. I HAVE DONE IT. I AM ON MY PATH, THE RIGHT PATH. I WILL BE ACCEPTED IN MEDICINE AT CEU SAN PABLO THIS YEAR. I WILL HAVE ENOUGH MOENY. I WILL HAVE A LOVELY, PEACEFUL, HAPPY LIVING SITUATION.

Okay good. 

Charlie I love you, and every moment that goes by without us talking, know that im thinking of you and that in a crazy way I miss you. 

I just want to talk to you, and I am proud of you, and I am falling in love with you, and I am scared and excited and nervous and I just want some of this craziness to settle, so that we could even see what things would be like between us. I am here for you if you ever need anything. I support you, and I care for you, even after having known you literally less than a month. How is that possible. Love and blessings. I could write you a love letter from here to London to Hong Kong, to the moon and back. 

I’ll be seeing you, hopefully shortly. xxxxxxxx