#okay links should be unfucked now lol

[nudist-squid]

got tagged by my dear @rainbowgaez to do one of those shuffle your songs and post the first ten thingies so here goes:

Mach Hommy: Bunny Ciao

SZA: Garden (Say It Like Dat) JID: Crack Sandwich Green Day: Prosthetic Head The Alchemist: Turkish Link Frank Ocean: Bad Religion Charli XCX: Visions Westside Gunn: Eddie Kingston Earl Sweatshirt & The Alchemist: Mancala Mos Def: Brooklyn

i'm bad at tagging ppl i don't like leaving anyone out lol, if u follow me and wanna do this then gonna say to DO IT!!!

[dameronology]

the one where he doesn’t listen (poe x reader)

summary: poe dameron + ‘i think we should take a break’ ‘you’re right - we’ll get some food, cool down and then we can talk about this’ no, i mean a break from us’

warnings: language 

i PROMISE i am working on some fluff, i know literally everything i’m writing at the moment is angst but like 80% of my requests are for angst...and i just hope u guys are okay lol love u 

enjoy,

- jazz

‘Would you just listen to me?!’

You ignored the calls of your boyfriend, violently kicking open the door to the air hangar. You stormed inside, a scowl on your face - you didn’t notice Jessika and Snap jump back at the sight of you. You breezed through the base, boots thumping into the concrete floors, steps like thunder. You couldn’t even look at Poe - you might throttle him otherwise.

You usually embraced his rebelliousness. His courage was one of the many things you loved about him - but this was your mission. You were the commander. It was a different story when he was ignoring your orders. The whole operation had been blown up because he couldn’t listen for once in his life. 

‘Baby, please-’

You stopped in your tracks, and Poe crashed into your back with a grunt. You turned to face him, and for a split second, he held out his arms. The action, however, was quickly retracted when you jabbed your finger into his chest. He silently thanked whichever god was up there that looks couldn’t kill - if they could, yours would have been a weapon of mass destruction.

‘The one time I need you to listen!’ You snapped. ‘The one fucking time, Poe!’

‘I said I was sorry-’

‘- sorry doesn’t get me my mission back!’ You continued, cutting him off. ‘Sorry doesn’t change the fact you ignored me. Sorry doesn’t change the fact you went against my direct orders!’

There was a little bit more to it than his disobedience. You weren’t a superior behind a comms link, barking orders at him. You were his partner - the one person you’d hoped would be the exception to his insubordination. That was what was causing most of the fuel behind your rage. 

Poe bit his lip, nodding. ‘I’ll make it up to you.’

‘How?’ You snorted. ‘You find a time machine and go back and unfuck this up for me?’

He grimaced, hopelessly scrambling to find something - anything - to say that could possibly calm you down. ‘I’ll explain it to Leia. I’ll take the fall.’

‘That was gonna be the case anyways.’ You murmured. 

Poe reached out to grab your hand, but you swatted it away. 

‘Don’t.’ You shook your head. ‘Look, I’m gonna go to my quarters and get the mission report done. I need time to think - and maybe a wall to punch.’

‘Wait,’ His mouth dropped open, and that was when the magnitude of his actions finally seemed to click. ‘This isn’t gonna change anything is it, for us?’

You knew the us that Poe was referring to - and he didn’t mean your professional relationship. He meant the us, us. The us that had sneaky kisses and escapades in broom closets. The us that laid together at night in each other’s arms, discussing everything from from work that day to theories about the deepest, darkest galaxies. The us that might have been the only stable thing in Poe Dameron’s unpredictable life. 

‘I don’t know.’ You sighed. ‘I just need time to think.’

You paused, the volume of the situation beginning to cause the descend down a slippery slope of misery and rage. 

How could he do this to you? You knew that the flyboy was capable of some exceptionally dumb things, but this one took the crown. This was the grand finale that completed The Chronicles of Poe Dameron’s Dumbassery (patent pending). 

Poe grabbed your arm, glancing around at your co-workers. Most of them had left the room when you entered - news of the mission had quickly spread about the base and people did not want to get in your way. Even Threepio had made a point to not go near you. Still, the pilot dragged you from the walkway and towards an empty space behind his X-Wing. The ship was splattered with dents and chips from the TIE fighters that had chased you out of the planet you’d been on. Perhaps that would be the epilogue in the aforementioned book.

‘Baby,’ his voice almost broke, desperate as he grabbed your face in his hands. ‘I would give anything to go back and undo what I did, literally anything, but I can’t-’

‘- I know you can’t.’ You moved his hands, momentarily intertwining your fingers. ‘It can just be so exhausting, Poe. I love you so much but you don’t think about the people around you.

You moved away from him, propping yourself up against the ladder of his jet. Your feet swayed back and forth for a moment as you thought. You were hurting- teetering on the edge of pure insanity, ping-ponging between your intense love for the man in front of you and your frustration at the situation.

‘I think we should take a break.’

You knew that you didn’t mean it. The second the words left your mouth, you wanted to swat them out the air, throw them to the ground like dead flies. Some childish part of you just wanted to scare him, to make him feel what you’d felt. 

‘You’re right,’ Poe nodded. ‘We’ll get some food, cool down and then we can talk about this-’

‘- no, Poe.’ Your voice cracked slightly. ‘I mean a break from us.’

‘You’re breaking up with me?’

‘No, not a break up. Just a break.’ You stood up.

You saw the hurt on his face; the anguish, the torment. More than ever, you wanted to wrap your arms around him; to hug him, to run your hands through his stupidly soft hair and hold him and promise to hurt whoever it was that was causing his distress. But it was you. Was love always this much agony?

‘I gotta clear my head.’ You whispered, slipping by him as you walked away.

--

A few hours later, you were even more angry that you had been when this whole thing started. You were no longer just enraged at Poe - you were now pissed off with yourself. Why had you said that? Why had you let the heat of the situation push you over the edge and say such stupid things?

Three hours without Poe by your side felt like a lifetime - a long, sad, empty lifetime. You’d been sat on your bed, handing resting on the empty space where he should have been. You were still furious at him but that didn’t mean you wanted to be without him.

You let out a sigh, watching as BB-8 circled the floor in front of you. He’d followed you back from the hangar, beeping something about relaxation methods. But aside from that, he’d been pretty silent. You felt like he was a kid who’d seen his parents have a fight. 

‘Where is Poe?’ You asked quietly, moving down to kneel in front of the droid, fixing his antenna. ‘In Finn’s room? I know right, where else?’

Grabbing the nearest jacket from your desk, you tugged it over your shoulders. As the heavy leather fell over your torso, you realised it with Poe’s - he’d lent it to you on your third date. It occasionally lead to a few awkward situations where you, Finn and Poe all turned up wearing matching jackets, given that the pilot had also gifted one to his friend. 

You made your way to Finn’s quarters, BB-8 rolling behind you. He’d perked up a bit at the prospect of his parents you and Poe working it out. Nobody liked to see you guys fight. You knocked on the door twice - usually, you were close enough with Finn to walk in unannounced, but with the given circumstances, you didn’t want to just swan inside.

A few seconds later, the door opened, and he greeted you with a smile. ‘Y/N!’

‘Hey, Finn.’ You greeted him. BB-8 nudged past his leg, rolling inside without waiting for an invitation. 

‘Poe’s inside.’ He said, stepping aside. ‘I’ll give you guys some space, but please don’t do anything in my bed.’

You rolled your eyes. ‘Finn.’

‘Just saying!’ He ruffled your hair as you walked by.

Poe was sat on Finn’s bed, a holopad in one hand and a cup of caff in the other. He’d clearly heard the exchange at the door and was trying to play it cool - something at which he was failing miserably. 

‘Hey,’ you greeted him quietly. You gently took a seat on the bed next to him, pulling the holopad from his hands. ‘Wanna talk?’

‘Is there much to say?’ His voice was cold, and you almost did a double take.

‘Poe,’ you sighed. ‘I don’t want to break up, or go on a break, or whatever it was that I said.’

His brown eyes lit up slightly, and he finally turned to look at you. The last three hours had been equally painful for him - he thought he’d lost you. There was a lot of things that terrified him but there was nothing that scared him more than the idea of life without you by his side. He would have rather gone up against Kylo Ren with a pencil for a weapon than let go of you.

‘I got caught up in the heat of the moment,’ you continued. ‘You hurt me, and I think I was reaching for something that might make you feel the same.’

‘Well, you made me feeling something that was deep, dark and pretty terrible.’ Poe tried to joke, but he couldn’t hide the wavering in his voice. He reached to take your hands in his, and your heart broke when you realised they were shaking. ‘But that’s not a lot compared to what it feels like to lose a mission - especially because of me.’

‘I don’t care that we lost the mission. That happens all the time - it just hurts that you didn’t listen to me.’ You explained. ‘I guess I felt like you didn’t respect me.’

‘I do!’ Poe’s eyes widened. ‘I would...I would do anything for you. You know that, right? You tell me what you want me to do, and I’ll do it-’

‘- I just want you to listen to me.’ You cut him off. ‘That’s it.’

‘I can do that.’ A smile finally fell onto his lips. He pressed a kiss to your lips, and you felt yourself finally relax. You were going to be okay.

‘I’m still fucking furious at you, though.’ Your words didn’t quite match your actions; with one hand tangled in his hair and one resting on his face, you seemed to be more sweet than intimidating. ‘But I love you, and whatever this is, we’re gonna work through it.’

‘I love you too.’ He pulled you in for another kiss. ‘And I will never, ever do anything stupid again.’

‘I give it five minutes tops.’

[normal-thoughts-official]

you talk a lot about magnus and camille dynamic and how they started and all that great meta content that you know i love but here's a question that idk if you ever got: how long do you think they were together? bc i can't think of a specific timeline and personally i love the one you talked abt at some point how she was pretty much right after asmododo or something like that, so he went from one type of abuse into another... but how long was he there? was camille with him for 20 years? 80? 130? any theories?

ugh that's a complicated one because i don't really have an answer for that and i think about it often as well

altho i think you got confused about her being right after asmodeus, i definitely don't think she was. i mentioned it my post about the timeline to say that magnus COULDN'T have been born close to the 1800s because that would make it asmodeus and camille way too close and that can't be the case because it would imply camille is basically the only person he dated before alec doajsdoaj and we know that's not true cuz there's also other ppl like george and etc. it was more a point in favor of "early to mid 1600s" for his birth date

anyway! let's go through this. i mentioned in another post that i think he got together with camille right after george, and that i think george died around the middle of the US civil war, which lasted from 1861 to 1865. so let's say they got together around 1863. now, we have a few pieces of information:

magnus mentioned that he hadn't been with anyone for "almost a century" when talking to alec. i know i think magnus is time blind but he can't be TOO off here. that was in 2016 so that would make their breakup date be a little after 1916 if magnus remembers correctly

literally the only thing about the timeline in that time period that i can remember is that one picture there was in his file of magnus surrounded by girls at a party, which looked to be in the 20s to me. since camille was an abusive asshole probably sabotaging his every chance to meet people, that couldn't have been when they were together. so i'd say 1920 is like, the limit for when they could have broken up. it's up to you whether or not you think magnus would be jumping into his party animal role immediately after the breakup or if it would take some time for him to heal; personally i think both make sense (i think she made a huge number on him so it would make sense for him to take a while to get back to that kind of thing; on the other hand, a lot of people turn straight to being party animals after breaking up abusive relationships, especially because for so long abusers have kept them from doing anything fun. so both work imo) so it's up to you

conclusion: they broke up in 1920 at the latest, so the max you could go for is 80 years, if you go with a timeline where camille was right after george (george can't be after camille because magnus has had no relationships after camille, but there could have been a bigger gap between george and camille than i personally hc). it could still be less tho, because we literally have NO information whatsoever on what happened between 1861 and 1920. even if you go with "they broke up and magnus immediately went full party animal" (which is perfectly valid), it's also entirely possible that this happened in say, 1901 and that pic just happened to be from the 20s, years later. but i also don't think it could have been a lot earlier than 1901 because magnus said almost a century, implying less than a century between the year they broke up and 2016. and while i do think that any immortal would lose track of time after a while and mingle years and decades together, nevermind adhd time blind icon magnus bane, if they had broken up in, say, 1880, magnus would remember that over a century has passed, if anything because so much has changed since then. so i think for him to say that the breakup should have happened in the 20th century at least

so that's the analysis from what we've seen in the show. personal opinion! i think 80 years makes sense, but is a bit much. it makes sense because there does seem to be a pretty obvious gap in magnus' file from the 1860s to the 1920s and then it goes back to having many pictures of him, and that "disappearance" makes sense in the context of him being in an abusive relationship (which limits your interactions and going outs by a lot). it does seem to be a bit much because magnus is at max 400, so, if they had been together 80 years, that would have been 20% of magnus' life spent with camille. or 1/5. added with all the time with asmodeus, it seems to be... a bit much dioadsoaijd and like look i'm not judging, i know abusive relationships can last many years and decades even for mortals, nevermind immortals, but i just don't like the idea of it lasting this long personally, especially because i think it makes him getting with alec seem actually a bit soon considering how long the abusive relationship lasted, and that's ignoring asmodeus' abuse on top of it

so personally, i like it morenif its around 40-50 years. i think it makes sense. it would mean the breakup was sometime around the 1910s, and while, okay, there is a gap in his file that seems to only end in the 20s, we must not forget an important fact: shadowhunters are stupid. so i actually think it makes sense that like, magnus emerges from his abusive relationship and is still getting back on his feet, and shadowhunters just don't care. like who is that guy? oh some warlock, no one's heard of him since like the 1860s lol. whatever happened to him? who cares. anyway, we love racism

and then around a decade later it turns out that magnus is healing enough to be a pain in their ass; say, that is when he becomes HWoB, or simply that they are reminded of how powerful magnus actually is once he is back in activity, and so they go back to like, investigating him and updating his file. so the file gap could be explained in that case. it also actually makes more sense that it would take shadowhunters a while to pay attention to him again, and since magnus was healing from an abusive relationship, the time it would take for him to draw their attention might well be around a decade

and with 40-50 years of an abusive relationship that would mean magnus has spent 10-12% of his life with camille; which is a LOT of time (for comparison: my first abusive relationship lasted a little over a year and i was 16 at the time; that makes it have lasted around 6% of my life at the time, and it did a HUGE number on me, taking me almost 3 years to have a relationship again), but not quite as much as a full 20%. not just that, but him taking "almost a century" (it would actually make it be a little over a century in this timeline, but again, magnus is immortal and time blind, so give him a break) to get with anyone again makes sense. that would be around double the time he's spent with her before he heals enough to be with someone else. that tracks, because abuse fucks you up fast and unfuckening yourself up takes longer. magnus isn't even fully unfucked up (which is okay, he doesn't have to be), but for him to be ready to take such huge steps as he is taking with alec, i think around double the time he's spent with her spent on healing makes sense

(again, i'm mostly going off my own experiences here; my abusive relationship lasted almost a year and a half, my next relationship was almost three years after the breakup. so almost perfectly double the time before i was ready to have another relationship. and again, i know recovery isn't the same for everyone and a lot of factors go into this, but i just think a timeline where he's been with her for 80 years and then gets with alec less than 100 afterwards is a bit too fast)

i still think 40 years is kind of a very long time to be in an abusive relationship and like holy shit i cant even imagine, but also i mean, mortals have abusive relationships that last that long and to an immortal itd feel like less time, and it does seem to be what best fits the timeline, so

and yeah i think those are my thoughts dadsajdsa

LAST MINUTE EDIT BEFORE THIS IS PUBLISHED CUZ IM NOT REDOING THE WHOLE THING: i got an anon today saying that magnus said something about not having seen camille in 130 years (link) which i didnt/dont really remember but i trust that theyre right and im wrong because i dont remember a lot of shit from this show. 130 years before 2016 would be 1886, meaning that if they broke up at that time and got together right after george's death as i personally hc, that's a 20-year relationship. that sounds like it fits the timeline as much as any other to me, and like i said in that ask, i think it makes sense that magnus would play it down to alec by saying "almost a century" instead of how long it's really been cuz it's a bit too vulnerable, and plus, we know one of the ways he protects himself is by not letting people pinpoint exactly some important dates from his past, particularly his birthday and etc

and okay i know that 20 years together, then 130 years recovering is a huge difference, but also i think with twenty years together as opposed to my comparatively short abusive relationship the scars of abuse would deepen a lot and quicker, so maybe it makes sense that it would take a longer time to feel confident enough to get to dating again. plus, like i said, there's no real math to be had in that process, everyone is different, has their own history and recovery process and etc so it's not like there is a deadline. so actually scratch everything i said above im going with this timeline. the one thing that doesn't track with that is the gap in his file but also like i said shadowhunters are stupid, so. yeah 20 years together is probably closer to it

in the end its kind of a relief cuz i was like "holy shit 40 years is so LONG" so... yeah udndidn

[afterglow-prompts]

a hundred dialogue prompts

hey all! awhile ago i decided that for every 25 sets put out, i’ll be doing mass prompts! i hope you enjoy this. i have each original prompt list linked in each number for your convenience. also, i’ll link the other ones below this note as soon as i put them out! thank you all so much!

this is going to be long lol, all prompts under the cut

fifty otp prompts                         

#1

“That was my sarcastic voice.” “That sounded a lot like your normal voice.” “So I’ve heard.”

“I’m going to lose my last shred of sanity.” “You can’t lose what you don’t have.”

“I can’t tell if they’re enemies or lovers.” “Neither can I, but I can sure as hell say that they’re entertaining.”

“I’m going to need you to put on pants before we do anything else.” “I am wearing pants!” “Male booty shorts in the dead of winter do not count as pants.”

#2

“Do you want to know what you’re feeling right now?” “And what would that be?” “Absolute stupidity.” 

“Even if I had a week, I couldn’t list all the reasons why this won’t work.”

“I’m going to need about six more cups of coffee before I lose the nerve to do this.”

“I may act like an angel, but I’m definitely not Cupid. Do you know why? First, I can hardly find a date for myself. Second, my butt only looks semi-fabulous in a diaper.”

#3

“See, someone thinks I’m funny!” “Well statistically, someone has to.”

“Both of you have been glancing at each other for the past two fucking hours when the other isn’t looking. Will you please make out already!”

“I read a lot of fanfiction. Trust me, I know how this will turn out.”

“Don’t put money on me losing, you dipshit.”

#4

“Stop fighting over her, we don’t have time for a love triangle right now!”

“I’m the world champion of laziness. I’d go and grab the fake belt my parents made as a joke, but it’s all the way upstairs.”

“Let me help you, I know you’re not that strong.” “I’m strong enough to carry your corpse into the woods, so I suggest you shut up.”

“People say I act like I don’t care. It’s not an act.”

#5

“My feelings for you are like the colors of the night sky, blinding, beautiful, and seemingly endless.”

“I can’t tell them I’m writing the love notes, they’ll kill me!”

“I didn’t mean to fall in love with them, it kind of just happened.”

“I’ll be yours until all the stars fall out of the sky.”

#6

“Are you allergic to happiness?” “No, but I’m allergic to your stupidity.”

“You can’t lose weight by running away from your feelings.” “I can damn well try.”

“You should apologize.” “Fine. Unfuck you or whatever you want me to say.”

“I could hurt you if I wanted.” “So could a dedicated duck. You’re not special.”

#7

“I’m here to save you, of course.” “Sorry to ruin your fantasy, but I don’t need to be saved.”

“My mood is currently screaming into oblivion.”

“Are you okay?” “No, next question.”

“You’re cute as hell.” “Coincidentally, that’s where I came from.”

#8

“Why for the love of everything good and holy are you screaming like your ass is on fire?”

“I am nothing if not consistent.” “Yeah, a consistent pain in my ass.”

“This is the most humiliating thing to ever happen to me!” “What about the time where-.” “Let’s not do this!”

“Sorry I hit you, my first instinct was to attack.” “You didn’t know it was me?” “Oh, I knew.”

#9

“You need to lay off the caffeine.” “Do that and you might need to lay off your life because I will make it a living fucking hell.”

“You made me chocolate chip cookies? How thoughtful! You are the best person ev-. OH MY GOSH. THIS HAS RAISINS IN IT YOU ASSHOLE! YOU KNOW I HATE RAISINS GET BACK HERE.”

“There are 1,013,913 words in the English language, but I could never string them together to accurately enough to explain how much I want to hit you with a chair.”

“I love you dearly, but I am going to shove you into a trash can the first chance I get.” “Fair enough.”

#10

“If you take that cupcake, I will hit you with a chair. Repeatedly.” “Don’t do it. They’ve done it to me before.”

“Be polite.” “Go fuck yourself.”

“Sing this with me or I’ll kick your ass.”

“When every door around you is closed, kick one in with brute force.”

#11

“I dreamed about you last night.” “I’m just the pizza delivery guy. Please sign the receipt and let me leave.”

“Haven’t you ever heard the phrase ‘pick your battles’?” “Yes, and I pick all of them.”

“I will not hesitate to strangle you.” “Can you even reach my neck?”

“I hate you with every inch of my being!” “That’s not a lot of inches.”

#12

“For fuck’s sake, stop, stop talking about yourself like that! It makes me sick!” “Why? You don’t care!” “The fuck I don’t! I love you. Every single part of you.”

“Breathe for me, my darling. You have to breathe to live.”

“This unworthy heart of mine will always be yours, do not forget that.”

“A warrior without scars is either play-acting or very, very good.” “Who said I didn’t have scars?”

#13 (what is it with me and the terrible angst?)

“C’mon, they’re only a few scratches.” “You were in a car crash you insolent little shit!”

“I thought I lost you. Do you have any idea, even a minuscule one, on how much that hurt me?”

“Don’t you dare lie to me. Not about this.”

“Giving away love never hurt anyone.” “But if you give away too much, what is left for yourself?”

#14

“You are the human version of a migraine.”

“Is it too early to have a breakdown this week?” “It’s Monday.” “That doesn’t answer my question.”

“In your opinion, what is the height of stupidity?” “How tall are you?” 

“I may be a mechanic, but I can’t fix stupid.”

#15 

“Why do you have a picture of your dog on the top of your tree?” “Because he’s the brightest star ever.”

“It’s Christmas!” “Yeah, it’ll also be your death date unless you let me go back to sleep.”

“And you put a picture of Dwayne ‘the Rock’ Johnson in my stocking because?” “Because I couldn’t find any coal or other rocks so I put that in there instead.”

“Christmas is overrated.” “There’s the door, I think it’s time for you to go through it and leave.”

#16

“You really think you can beat me at Mario Kart? I have spent years studying the game and developing my skills. I spent hours upon hours training until my hands cramp. Even my TV is judging the amount of time I’ve spent playing, and you think you can beat me? Let’s fucking go.”

“Shut up? Shut up? I haven’t shut up for seventeen years and I’m not about to start now!”

“Um, did you tell me it was impossible to sing along with a guitar solo? Stand back. Your insurance doesn’t cover blown minds.”

“My songs are lost on you. You simply don’t know how to enjoy them.”

#17 (this is my most popular prompt list & it is full of the fluffiest prompts)

“Did you just kiss me?” “Was I not supposed to?” “I don’t know, but could you do it again?”

“I might be in love with you.” “That’s great to hear since I am in love with you.”

“I’ll be yours until all the stars fall out of the sky.”

“You missed. Your lips were supposed to touch mine, you dingbat.”

#18

“You’re really good at Mariokart.” “You say that like you’re surprised. It’s almost like I didn’t train for years to be the best.”

“I need to be twenty times hotter than I am right now.” “Twenty times zero is still zero.”

“I can’t tell if you’re being arrogant or ignorant.” “Both, probably.”

“Let’s not do this.” “What could go wrong? We’re all wearing helmets and the shopping cart is fully padded!”

#19

“Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.” “Well if I didn’t have sarcasm, I’d have to flat out tell people that they’re an idiot. My mother raised me better than that.”

“It’s what’s on the inside that’s beautiful.” “Oh yeah, my intestines are blushing up a storm right now.”

“Why are you laughing at a picture of a potato?” “It reminded me of you.”

“Is that supposed to be an insult, you unimaginative dishrag?”

#20

“Get over here, being apart of the group means being apart of group hugs.”

“My pants may be down around my ankles, but judging by your blush, I look very attractive in my underwear.”

“I’m sorry for all the stuff I said.” “And the punch to the jaw?” “No, you definitely deserved that.”

“Bad things keep happening to me. It’s like I have bad luck or something.” “No, the reason you have bad luck is because you’re a dumbass.” 

#21

“You have beautiful eyes.” “Thanks, I need them to see.”

“Fuck off, it’s three in the morning.”

“Definitely not my finest hour.” “Do you think?”

“We do not have time for theatrics, move your ass!”

#22

“I have updated my list of people I trust and things I believe to NO ONE and NOTHING.”

“Do you think I have anger issues?” “Well, I wouldn’t call it an issue. An issue is something you can fix.”

“I’m sorry I called you stupid, I thought you already knew.”

“You said you wanted my honest opinion, and there you have it. You’re a dumbass.”

#23

“Don’t underestimate us.” “Our team motto is maybe we’ll get lucky this time.”

“What am I allergic to?” “Blueberries, roses, and the full spectrum of human emotions.”

“Don’t look at me, this isn’t my fault.” “But aren’t you the one who set the kitchen on fire?” “How was I supposed to know that a slim jim is flammable?”

“Fuck off.” “It’s always nice to feel wanted.”

#24

“As the saying goes in Shakespeare’s time, goest fucketh thyself.”

“I am sixty percent water, twenty percent mountain dew, twenty percent pizza, and one hundred percent swag.” “That’s two hundred percent.” “I’m twice the person you’ll ever be.”

“Go crawl up Satan’s ass.”

“I wish I was one of those people who thrives on the danger of leading a double life. You know, Bruce Wayne, Peter Parker, Hannah Montana.”

#25

“Why must you attack me with your words.” “Do you want me to use rocks?”

“On a scale from one to ten, you’re a nine and I’m the one you need.” “No, what the fuck, I’m a ten.”

“You have a cute nose, don’t make me break it.”

“It’s been a long week.” “It’s the middle of a Monday.” “As I said, it’s been a long week.”

[sunriseoverseauniverse-blog]

The world just chewed her up

And spat her out. 

I always get myself into these situations

I’m just being honest here 

It’s a classic feeling signature and behaviour of mine 

No thanks to any of the people who twisted the knife

Yup, thats you grandma, and whoever ( the fuck ) else 

Ooops using that fucking g word again 

Trying to transfer the blame on someone else 

My poetry is starting to suck 

Cause it’s really just nicely placed words 

Venting my timely swings 

Into dark places...

Calling it:

I’ve had a full on fortnight 

Sick, work, new job, money stress

Child not drinking or sleeping stress

All the usual suspects for an exhausted parent 

Wait what the fuck I’m not a parent? 

It’s really taxing being the one hearing the toddlers cries 

Knowing that you aren’t the one with the milk tap breasts 

The smells, genealogy and presence of their mother 

That would calm that crying child in an instant...

Who is the only one they will eat for, drink for, sleep for... just about

I am a good stand in mother 

But imagine having that much presence in another child’s life 

Taking the pressure of trying to fill their needs 

When you aren’t the one who was biologically tuned to do so

I love what I do 

I really do and I would take this shit any day over any other work

But when they are crying for mum 

Well, I’m just not their mum. 

It’s okay

It just takes time to form bonds right?

If it didn’t it wouldn’t be right

You can’t hurry love... understanding... feeling comfortable with someone

Children need the love

Parents need the space from loving 

Nanny’s need.... 

A BIG FUCK OFF COFFEE OKAY

Like, today would have been good.  It used to be my little fluffy comforter, coffee 

It still is my trusted friend 

In small doses 

I’m basically Lor 

I like to believe I live in stars hollow.

We made a breakthrough today together

Me & the wee one year old cherub I care for 

She is such a strong stubborn self lead little cherub 

She just makes these screechy noises at me, trying to tell me stuff 

I put her in the car, drove to the beach and around for ages 

And then, holy shit, she fell asleep and STAYED asleep for 40 minutes 

It was a christmas fucking miracle 

It is the first fortnight I’ve been working 

But some of those days have been mentally challenging 

I came home with tears of joy whatever I don’t know 

Tears of endurance of frustration of inadequacy for not having the right nipples

Tears about money stuff 

Getting through 

Feeling like I have some worth

Paying for my own health care appointments  Whatever other plans I have made 

Fighting back the tears 

Again 

The stress of all this change 

Feeling for me 

Cause it’s my job too 

Can be full on, it seems 

Lucy ran through the house with muddy paws this arvo 

It was the icing on the cake 

The cherry 

Sarcastic but really she is my

Cherry

She came into my room just now 

To give me a little snuggle 

Probably saying mama thing I hate it when you cry 

It’s cool baby badger 

Crying is one of the many ways to release 

I read a cool article on it today about the healing power 

Of babies crying in the arms of a caring loving adult 

It’s a healthy response 

It is made to be held, seen, heard, recognised as valid 

If your baby needs to cry, let it cry in your arms 

It’s perfectly fucking healthy to cry 

It’s WAY better if it can be done with someones presence 

And I mean, just their conscious presence, approving, accepting 

Being here with you 

Especially for children 

But I just do it alone mostly

Cause people tend to freak out with the water worx 

Probably scared of their own displays of feelings 

I’m used to it I’ve been doing it for years 

I even used to tie up the door to the bathroom 

Where I would be crying 

From a very young age 

Because we don’t have locks in our house 

Because I was raised without being allowed valid boundaries 

Lol fight me 

I’m just being honest 

Act like you got some sense

I’m sorry Mrs Jackson 

I am for real 

Okay there’s my humour coming back 

I’m glad to be free to speak 

That’s why I write things 

I don’t care if anyone reads 

But maybe they will and it will mean something 

That’s cool too 

The universe is a funky little pumpkn

Especially with the platform of technology 

I can reference shit with an inbuilt link 

Would have been handy for my essays back in the day 

Look I just want to be able to meet my needs

Like every human should be able to do 

That’s why I want to care for children 

Help them get their needs met 

I honestly get it, parenting is FULL ON 

I get why kids grow up without their needs being met 

Because not every one can mind read or translate screeching 

But I feel like I’ve been raised to figure out how to MEET NEEDS

My own, and then others, children, whoever I can influence 

In fulfilling ways really 

I guess that’s the goal 

To lead 

Be my own 

Wahine Toa 

Filling my needs has meant money 

Which has been a tool which I cast out of my shed 

From a very young twisted age 

When I was made to feel ashamed 

For having money and choosing how to spend it

Thanks again to the dicks that taught me this 

Is she still bitter about this or? 

Lol, jokes make it better for five seconds 

The story is long but in short basically I fucked it all up 

When I bit my brothers ass cause he stole my toy 

Which, yeah, fair enough, I fuck shit up if things are unfairly taken from me

Then my grandma who is dead now ( cool ) had forsaken me 

Then would refuse to treat me well for the rest of my life 

Neglect me and shit, ridicule me and instil the classic shame 

For being my great self ya know 

Barbaric really 

Then write me poetry about how creative I am

Like, bitch please 

You can’t unfuck with my life now you realised it was a dick move 

Those bridges are burnt bitch 

Wow, vent vent vent 

Has to be said? Mmmm maybe in a less cunty way but that aint me today

So yeah money is a thing I am learning 

Thanks to the past conditioning 

It’s a universal blockage so I’m not half surprised 

I would really love it in my life 

So I can love and care for myself 

So I don’t have to depend on people who can’t do that for me 

Let alone, themselves right!?

Think we’re all learning this right?

So how do you learn to do money?

Well... find the energy that attracts it instead of repels it

Learn to use it wisely for future benefits 

Learn to keep the river flowing constant abundance in and out 

To you and through you 

Hibernate in the winter, keep like squirrels collecting them nuts 

Not just for the now time, for the winter

But if you collect too many and leave them to rot that’s not a flowing river 

So it’s about learning the skills, how to use the tool for abundance 

The dance with life we all are worthy of 

How have I committed to this? 

#1: Decide to stop doing shitty stressful jobs that don’t fulfil me and provide for me in equal abundance of energy exchanges, preferably looking for work with perks that I love and with downsides that I am not too bothered by. 

( I decided upon home based one on one childcare because it’s a nurturing job for me and for the world in order to help people and help myself thrive )

#2: TRAIN OR GET EXPERIENCE OR PREFERABLY BOTH.

(I did my qualification in Nannying, it took 6 months and it was free, it was one of the best most nourishing fulfilling loving moments of my life so far, thank you)

#3: Get your foot in the door. 

( for me, this meant, get an in between starting job which paved my way in order to look forward to and manifest the perfect job to begin my career with )

( it was part time, it was full on, it was amazing because it gave me experience and a reference, it was fun, it had some perks, it also sucked sometimes but it was the perfect launching point... ) 

#4: Get through the period of time where you may not be earning or you may be earning very little, before you find the perfect work conditions that give you what you are so worth earning in exchange in order to sustain and fulfil your life. 

( yup, currently amidst this point, it is hard so hard at times for me, it is mentally consuming and emotionally breaking but it is the deep lesson about the squirrels collecting nuts for the winter... you need not so much that they will rot, you need just enough to get you through without meaning a period of starvation or you need to hiberate like bears. you just have to do whatever you can to get through this phase... its okay to ask for help, just ask people who you can trust to actually care about you and love you and support you, not people who have shown you that it’s conditional or that they actually can’t do this for you )

#5: Eventually, you will be in a cycle of river flowing freely and replenishing you all the time and life giving energy in abundance to you and through you. This is the place we all want to be with our work where we love what we do even on the hardest worst days and we are fulfilled with abundance in all areas of our lives, especially given equally abundant exchange of money to provide for our lives and our desires. 

( I have found the job, the conditons are right, I am working through the moments of stress and I am most of all waiting on those steady free flowing river pay checks of abundance... don’t get me wrong, I also need to learn how to be best with my nuts so that is the next step. I just so hope I can do so this time around because I don’t want to go through periods of starvation of my needs when it is so taxing and mentally emotionally crappy... I suppose though all of those pent up feelings had to come out somehow because I wouldn’t have ever had money blocks if they didn’t exist. Purging the blockages from your system is all part of the transformation here. So, I guess, I’m glad to be deep in full learning ) 

I just wish to feel better

To rewrite the feelings signatures that were assigned to me 

When I was just a young zero years baby 

So I guess the path is set... 

I’d like to see my needs met.