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[sunriseoverseauniverse-blog]

I wanted to say something meaningful. 

To show that I understood what we were getting ourselves into. 

I said nothing at all. 

I couldn’t get my mouth to move in time with my thoughts. 

When the moment came, I couldn’t say anything. 

I mumbled about how I felt very ‘lucky’, fortunate. 

What I meant was

I don’t know why I’m doing this 

I am very scared 

I don’t want to meet that same place again 

All I have ever wanted 

Was a kitchen of my own 

Where I could sit up on the benches and drink a cup of whatever and 

Stare out of the window from there 

I don’t think I really want much else 

Someone to share it with 

To spawn with 

This is everything I ever wanted 

I’m still wanting it 

I just wish you didn’t have to take the weight of it on your own 

I know I dance around in my head like a fairy 

And I will never understand the pressure of the business world 

Maybe neither of us were cut out for it 

We weren’t cut out of anything, we grew like vines and roots of trees 

We had a little piece of earth and planted ourselves, 

I’d like to enjoy this more 

But it’s the most powerless I’ve ever been 

The reality cuts me deep 

While it nurtures a dream within me 

Why do woman have to bleed?

We take it all into our belly and then when things don’t stick 

We cut it out of us again 

The hardest part of being a grown woman 

Is being expected to maintain my composure.

I hang on by a string

I pull my body together when I could be crumbling down 

I would love to lie back into the ground 

Collapse 

Melt into the soil 

Disappear into the soil 

Blend into the ground and grow into the mossy floor 

Grow into something else instead of me 

And still, when we get home, I boil the water for coffee 

I leave the room to cry on my own 

Instead of cloud you with my depth of feeling 

I carry it through me 

Birthing 

I get up, keep going 

And so do you. 

Just in different ways. 

We both suffer from humanness. 

Human mess. 

We both suffer the weight of the world. 

We both carry a lot so the other doesn’t have to do it for us. 

This is why it is making me stronger 

Because it’s not just about me anymore now

I have you

I have you

.

[sunriseoverseauniverse-blog]

The Spirit of Christmas; An Ode to 2018

A year full of weaving.

Figuring out how it all “fits” together in me. 

There must be a place for all of these things in my life.

The good, bad, ugly, if there aren’t any better words to say. 

I have been unravelling the worst, most tangled parts, and putting myself back together the way I like myself to be, not before being completely out on a limb vulnerable and feeling ultimately broken in every little way. 

The day breaks the dawn every time.

It’s the only way to see ourselves in perspective. 

Fragments of a mirror are broken on the floor. We see different sides to ourselves. We see our pieces and we see that we are tangled up. 

I have felt tangled for as long as I have been awake to myself.

The coming of age hit me the hardest because my consciousness could no longer look away each time I became more awake. 

With the help of my search, I found resources that helped me understand what I have been experiencing here. It has come to a crescendo today in my last day at my current job. It’s sat me down, slapped me awake and shown me what I need to do. It’s commended my mistakes. Told me they were on purpose, as if it were fate. Told me not to silence the crier but to be with the tears. Told me a part of the secret. 

I experienced a lot this year that was completely out of my control.

As I watched, with feeling, and without; I was shown that this is the truth of it all.

I am not in control and I am not meant to be.

I can make the best of things, do my best and live my best life, and I will still encounter good, bad, ugly. People will still die when they die. Animals will die when they die. Relationships will be created and be destroyed. The best jobs will still have the worst days. I will still cry, I will still eat, I will still purge, I will still feel everything and be alive for as long as my heart keeps me alive. I feel this is the truth, as much as we are creators, we are kidding ourselves to think that we can individually control anything other than the choice of what to do with the time we are given. Much else is out of our control. 

I have sat with this, asking myself to just listen instead of act. That’s actually really hard to do when you are used to doing anything you can to fix, mend or medicate to CHANGE WHAT IS. I have not been able to be with this stuff before now. I have panicked, really badly, reacted, overreacted, self medicated, feared illness and so been medicated by doctors, put my trust in people who did not know any better than myself, lost trust from people who have caused me pain by acting in a way regardless of good intentions. I feel like there’s a worldwide epidemic of people not being comfortable and therefore not being able to be present with what is without trying their absolute hardest to change it. This feels like the most freeing and most terrifying, disheartening, threatening and forfeiting feeling I’ve ever felt. I try to scratch, itch, wriggle, move, change even the concept of this as I write. I notice myself fiddling, I bet if I could be present with my mind it would be freaking the fuck out, screaming about a million obscenities, crying in foetal position, thinking the fricken world was ending in this very moment. It’s not. It’s actually just another beginning.   

It scares the breath out of me. 

I can feel tears in my throat. Or stomach acid. I feel a rise in my stomach. I don’t think I need to purge but digesting this concept is a challenge to me as I am experiencing the discomfort of initial awareness that this realisation is bringing me. It is no longer a nut to crack. The real nut here is actually a wholely integrated, holy energy packet called existence that is beyond the chicken or the egg or the nut falling from the tree to begin with... 

Listen...

Two birds.

I’d rather be the first to listen, than the first to talk. Even when I feel uncomfortable with it. I’m sure everyone else feels uncomfortable like I do too sometimes. We don’t need everything that we think we do. And yet we do. And we are okay to. We are okay, too. I wonder if she will wake up and stare and have no tears left and that will be her final healing from me? The child sleeps. She is a child now, her baby steps are becoming a child’s leap of blind faith that we all have to each take. I hope I can start to apply myself in these lessons. 

I think again, I would be different in an interview for myself.

I wouldn’t so much speak like a childcare snob about my own childcare notions to a family who doesn’t want to be changed consciously, rather they are wanting the universe to come in through me and give their children what they need and to let it be done in the most smooth flowing way. We don’t want our boats to be rocked even when there is a storm we are expecting to sit still with ourselves. I wouldn’t say these things. A lot of things in my work are unsaid. I would simply do what I do, knowing that it is a gift to feel as I do and I can give my gift to others by simply giving them the chance to exist as themselves too. 

I am a nanny and yet really I am protecting a child’s right to feel it’s “self”. To feel itself. Anyone can care for a child’s physical needs to keep them alive. It takes a being with experience in emotional depths to really be able to keep a child emotionally nurtured and safe. I can’t always give that, but I know that’s what I’m here to improve on and to learn to do. I was the worst listener growing up, until I experienced being deeply listened to. And that was an immaculate healing for me. It purified me in all the parts that had been filled with what felt like it could never be moved. I was moved that day and my life has changed. 

It might not be a big deal but to listen is to heal. 

My job here is done. 

I have cried in a hospital this year, like i’ve never cried before, in the most life altering experience. I have sat peacefully without a tear or a care in the world beside the woman who took part in creating me a third generation to herself as she began breathing last breaths. I was alone with both of these experiences. Regardless of my mental state I experienced moments of no control and I felt the frustration and the complete and utter freedom of it. I don’t know if I prayed. I probably did. More to myself than a god. To myself because I needed to show up for myself in those moments. I’ve missed out on a lot before now for lack of being able to show up and lack of being able to listen to myself. I’m making up for it now. 

This year has brought to me the experiences of true love that I had always wished for. And it’s as good as I had hoped it would be. And it’s better than I imagined. Different, a thousand times better. I will experience ebbs and flow like with all great love. It will probably shake me and make me tremble and shed a many tears and all over again and again. This is the depth of my love. Truth. 

I never knew I could really feel this much peace with love. 

Past glimpses have not even come close to it.

I laugh in the face of it. 

I know it’s place, of it before. 

She wakes. She cries. She wouldn’t be her if she didn’t I guess. Things need change over time, not overnight. 

I go, now, to return with more wisdom next time. 

Til then, 

enjoy Christmas together, with whoever is yours close. 

[sunriseoverseauniverse-blog]

So I can dress my body in flowers of all kinds 

So I can wear a wreath around my hair 

So I can breath quietly without starting a chainsaw inside 

So I can love without limitations of my flesh 

So I can kiss with the freedom of believing in love 

So I can be at peace 

So I can be warm 

So I can be in solitude 

So I we can be together 

So I can see the blossoming 

Two hearts intertwine into one

All things I can do whenever, 

All things I can do better, 

When I address the elephant in room. 

Aside: Acknowledging the eating disorder and how the disease limits me in all areas of my life. My adult self wants to be in charge of making decisions now. My child self is longing to be relieved of the pain. The adult in me is now telling the child in me that the other side of pain is freedom. What I want must first fulfil me with what I need. That’s why I need to grow into my adulthood, because the child in me needs support with making appropriate, purposeful decisions. I simply can’t control every single aspect of my life. Some things I have to lay down in the hands of trust. Other things need to be left behind. I’m ready to heal by going within. 

[sunriseoverseauniverse-blog]

Moving Home

Third time lucky

Maybe this time when I leave again 

It will be the way

Not that these other paths haven’t been 

It’s just, they haven’t taken me along their way for long 

And I want somewhere that I belong 

Somewhere I can be, for long 

The security of people or places or feelings 

Whichever way it comes to me 

I want to feel like I can belong here or there 

With whom 

Him 

I know that some of the hardest parts are over now

It may get hard sometimes again 

But I know now that some of the hardest parts are over 

Because I was always waiting for something just like this 

It just took it’s time 

I had big lessons to learn

I feel like I can let a lot of those things go now 

So... 

Moving home. 

Wonder how long I’ll stay this time?

I don’t know.

Wonder if I’ll keep anything tucked away this time

When I go.

Think I’ll let go of all the past pain this time 

Hope so.

There’s so many ways that I can make a change 

This time. 

From the get go. 

I think I have a plan 

Even though plans change.

I think I have an idea of how to grow.

I think there are many things I can look forward to 

This time

That might help me to stay sane.

If you go. 

[sunriseoverseauniverse-blog]

To another time 

Grieving lips of wine 

Stary eyed 

Wondering how to survive;

Give me sea salt, sunshine... then take flight. 

To another place, 

It’s the last time you will see this face.

To another him, 

I am finished missing everything. 

Here’s to another chance, 

To dance through my life 

I don’t want to miss any more opportunities 

My lips a different shade 

My hips wearing better days 

My heart held in with my arms embraced

So this is what it feels like to really love

Feels like I’m looking into the mirror of myself 

[sunriseoverseauniverse-blog]

I am depression 

Without comfort food 

How have I hidden this from myself for most of my life? 

I can’t enjoy the regular things in my life 

Without having my magic anti depressants (COFFEE AND StUFF)

And just like most magic pills 

THEY DON’T fix my problems 

THEY NUMB ME Out 

Yeeeeaaaaahhhhh so I don’t care as much 

Still there

Just floating 

UP UP UP UNTIL I COME back down to earth

The place where I am depressed 

With the depression which goes too far back to understand yet 

So.... 

I’m sick of eating 

And I’m sick of foods

The blackness is ink in my veins 

I’m happy for sure 

Happy as fuck 

Got the things in my life going good 

There’s one BIG FUCKING ISSUE 

THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM 

It’s me guys, yup, feeling this way in my fat flesh prison 

I’m mainly sad because I am realising that I am actually quite depressed 

When I become conscious of my DRUG USE or should I say FOOD USE 

I genuinely have food issues 

And it does physically affect me 

I can put on weight really fucking fast 

And I can lose weight but it happens slow and doesn’t quite last

 So...

Where to from here?

Well I’ll go clean the house 

Keep going 

Can’t make a hot drink 

Can’t eat the foods 

Must sit with myself 

To realise that I am still depressed 

From the same depression I had years ago 

I should probably figure that out now 

Instead of just keep drug using 

Food using 

TO make it bearable every day 

Cause it doesn’t go away 

The ugly head has reared 

Without food I am depressed 

It’s something I’ve needed to address

I am very good at lying to myself 

When I don’t quite know myself at all 

Still

I am so glad this day has come 

So I can face myself

I love my ocean of commotion

I know I am loved for it 

I feel it now 

Softly gently whole heartedly exhaustedly 

Isn’t it funny 

Strange

Knowing of my depression actually makes me happier 

THan hiding it from myself 

With drug using of food. 

I would be happier being honest with you 

Than eating anything to make me feel different 

I want to feel the whole you, the whole you 

As you hold me 

So the best I can do 

Is give you 

The whole me, the whole me 

To hold you 

And part of the whole me 

Is a depressed me 

Looking for her healing

I really would love some medicine 

I think my connection with you is better than 

What any kind of drug could do 

So we keep moving 

We keep moving 

I’ll find healing 

I found inspiration 

Moving forward 

With you. 

[sunriseoverseauniverse-blog]

So this is what it feels like

To rely on someone 

As a lover 

As a friend 

As my wholeness 

My family in a man. 

This is how you know 

You could spend a lifetime in the wake of them 

And you 

They give you strength in being you 

It makes my eyes tear 

It makes my heart go beyond my fear. 

There is really nothing quite like it 

Nothing life can prepare you for like this 

The peace in my mind that comes from what the heart can find 

In this kind of love 

All I think I’ve ever truly dreamed of 

So this what they mean 

When they say 

Truly 

You are the light of my life, 

Because it’s true, babe 

You are. 

And I’ll always always thank you for that. 

I built a home in you in me

[sunriseoverseauniverse-blog]

Back to me 

And so, I did not really lose you. 

And so, you did come back for me. 

In ways which make me happier

Than I could ever dream of thee. 

[sunriseoverseauniverse-blog]

They are a part of the same heart;

This I do believe 

This is just the start

It’s clear to me in the little things 

The way they share the heart in me 

It’s the same love 

It’s the same love, darling. 

It holds me close through the darkest times

It’s got my back 

It’s got my mind 

It’s the first and last 

It’s the face and the mask 

It’s the time it takes 

It’s the breaking hearts

It’s the face to face 

It’s the love we made

I believe we are a part of the same heart of hearts

I believe we are the puzzle pieces from the same piece of art 

Now I can see for miles miles miles

Miles

Miles. 

And so, 

I love thee 

With the same heart that has held my life 

So gently 

That has cried into the pain and laughed with my joy 

Encountered the moments 

Lucid and lonely 

Told from the stories 

My own and my only 

Left 

Come back 

Gone home 

Made home somewhere new 

And so, 

I love thee

With the numbers 

With all the others 

In leaps in bounds 

Boundlessly 

Found with the faith of this that is within in me 

To be the voice of my own love 

To be the love of my own heart 

You are the one I chose 

When I chose to love myself apart

In the colours and sounds of some other 

Reflecting light 

In the cool dark of the stars 

In the mint air of the night 

And so, 

I love thee

With the temple of my body 

With the temple of my mind 

With my soul and with the time that I have left

Before I go back to our home in the stars

This is a call to the heart of hearts 

We are a part of the same love 

They are a part of the same heart.

How do I love thee? 

Let me count the ways... 

Still, saying nothing, thats enough for me. 

[sunriseoverseauniverse-blog]

Where to begin

When I let you in

At the turning of the day

I knew that I would be okay now

There would be none of what was before

Anymore.

Time is dancing with my hands

I have my mind floating around you

And my eyes open wide to see the view

Of the world as it reflects through

You.

And so it begins

With the little things

Talking to the heavens

Thanking all the glimpses

Trusting to be taken in and cared

For.

This is just the start

Hands holding touching arms

I know where my safety lies

In the glimmering shimmering sparkling of your

Eyes.

Shelter

As

We

Go

[sunriseoverseauniverse-blog]

Lessons on lessons on lessons 

Look at my life man, that’s blessings 

So, here we go, rant rant rant 

Spinning some shit about 

How I got a big slap to the face lesson 

About life. 

So, I did a thing. 

Spent money frivolously,

Had other things I needed to pay for that I forgot about, 

Kept pushing my boundaries all the time, 

Keep doing things that I had said I would stop doing, 

Keep putting myself in situations that make me feel anxious and uncomfortable

Keep living my life beyond my limits and not in exciting ways,

In dangerous ways that make me feel unsafe.

Why? Have I been taught not to listen to myself?

To make everything work for everyone else even if its not what I really want?

I want to be honouring myself and my authenticity 

Which has been an inner screaming of “no, stop, don’t” 

That I have been buldozing over 

Because “it’s so and so” and “i feel like i have to”,

“I don’t want to let them down”

Well, you let yourself down.

How does that feel?

Fucking stink. 

It’s meant that I lose what I wanted and gain stress on stress. 

The lesson here is... I WANT to listen to myself. I WANT to honour myself. 

Why am I in a habit of not doing so? 

I really want my own stuff to matter as number one and all else as second 

That’s the only way I can be happy with my life as a whole 

Because right now, I can’t be fully happy about pleasing all but myself 

These are not selfless measures which make me feel good.

Being selfless makes me feel unworthy, unimportant, unsatisfied. 

If I put myself first, it would help me feel how I want to feel

And I believe that when I am feeling good about myself, 

I can be of more help to others, than when I am not.

This has to be what I learn... 

I can’t say it enough to actually hear myself 

I know my conditioned self sways towards making everything fit 

For EVERYONE ELSE BUT me.

But this has to switch cause I am just making myself unhappy living this way.

I have to make things fit for me first and foremost. 

I certainly don’t want to be told by anyone that there is anything wrong with me and the way that I do things because that is just so far from the truth. What is true is that I have been cutting myself down to size to fit someone else’s boxes now for most of my conscious life and all these offcuts are devaluing to my inner self who is actually an awesome whole picture of who I am, and there is nothing i need to fix and there is so much I would love to change without having to cut away parts of myself. Changing is different from fixing. I don’t believe the hype like I used to, there is actually nothing wrong with myself, there is nothing that anyone can do for to fix me because there is nothing actually broken here. What is broken is our inner connections with our higher selves and those parts of us that tie us into the world as we are. I know why people freak at the thought of this because they think that without anything to fix, they will never grow and they will never change... absolutely far from it. Change is renewing, sustaining growth, sustaining movement, sustaining flow, like water. Change is like water. Like air we breath. Like life that flows through us every day that we breathe and live. YOU CAN CHANGE AND WILL CHANGE ALL THE TIME. No that does not come about as a form of a fix and no it is not because anything is wrong with you that change occurs. Change and the cycles and seasons of life are as natural as our existence itself. What is unnatural to nature is self hate. Do the trees hate themselves and stop their growth and cut themselves down to size and limit themselves? No, they grow and grow and grow as high and wide and expansive as they can. Do rivers and oceans stop existing and dry themselves up because they don’t feel good enough to be rivers and oceans? All of these self hating beliefs are not natural, they are of human rumination over time. What we need to learn from these lessons is to honour and trust our innate nature and to hear and speak to the humanness within us to recognise when there are seeds of self hate ruminating and to emancipate ourselves from mental slavery, non but ourselves can free our minds... self hate is mental slavery. And its in a way, physical too, because it makes us do things that we would not do to ourselves from a space of love. 

So, these are the lessons, and the blessings, from my lack of slept self on this beautiful airy morning with a reminder from my old mate...

These songs of freedom. 

Redemption songs. 

[sunriseoverseauniverse-blog]

Miss Independent

That’s why I love her. 

A woman’s independence means

Having your own Phillips screw driver.

Fixing your own curtain rails.

Making your own dinners.

Doing your own washing.

Providing financially for your own existence and dependents. 

Taking care of yourself extra especially when you aren’t well. 

Finding your own solutions.

Feeding your own hunger.

Learning self care.

Learning emotional regulation. 

Learning creative self expression.

Learning the art of creative energy release. 

Learning to say no. 

Learning to say yes.

Listening to yourself instead of thinking of what your parents would do.

Doing what you want to do instead of what you think people want you to do.

Filling your own needs. 

Asking for help, from the people who will actually best help you. 

Choosing stuff, all things, for yourself. 

Getting yourself showered and dressed.

Getting ready and arriving for things planned on time. 

Going to work. 

Doing your own groceries. 

Trusting your own heart. 

Lighting your own fire... both physically and metaphysically. 

And some other stuff. 

[sunriseoverseauniverse-blog]

Two steps forward, one step back 

Why does it always seem to happen this way?

It’s like I can’t ever really celebrate 

Because this which follows every move I make 

I take two steps forward and then I fall back again.

If life is a game 

Or a dance 

Like a tango 

Going back and forth 

Makes a lot of sense. 

When life looks like a ladder 

or a set of hoops to jump through

Stepping forward then falling back 

Feels like a constant battle to escape 

What is opposing force 

While trying to get somewhere 

How does this work?

I can no longer look at life like a ladder 

Or a set of hoops to jump through 

Because then that makes me judge myself 

That only makes me sad

I haven’t done anything wrong here

I am doing the dance steps in time 

I am swaying to the music

I don’t always keep myself in line 

I guess that’s how I know 

I guess that’s what it means to be alive 

To be full of zest, how can I make this rhyme with jive?

Dance references aside 

I am realising that I punish myself silently 

For “wrong” turns, back steps, swaying side to side, 

As if it were wrong to exist and to thrive and to live 

Like I love to exist 

Sometimes I don’t love it as much 

I make myself feel bad 

Because I fall into old beliefs about habits or I fall behind 

Why do I believe that back steps are falling behind?

How do we stop the relapse?

How do we love the relapse into approval and acceptance? 

How do we heal the heart and mind to love our dance across the floor?

I really really really don’t want to punish myself anymore. 

[sunriseoverseauniverse-blog]

Baby come back 

I have been so busy doing life 

It’s been amazing 

I have my own place 

It’s been a life goal of mine forever ago 

I have the perfect new home 

The perfect first proper job 

Everything is as if I had wished for it or something 

Haha yeah well thats exactly what I did

Thank you universe for hearing me 

And raising me up within myself

Thank you 

I only have beautiful things to say right now 

Which is almost a first in this place 

So thank you thank you thank you 

I appreciate you 

I hear you I see you I feel you 

I raise you...

Give me a minute to collect my wishes from now on... 

I will meet you there 

[sunriseoverseauniverse-blog]

Grow 

From Wherever You Are

Bloom 

Awaken Within You 

Weep 

When The Winter Shakes Your Soul

Then, Come Home, 

To The Place That You Come To, 

When You Know Where You Want To Go. 

Now You Go Everywhere You Want To Go.

Now You Go Everywhere That You Want To Go. 

[sunriseoverseauniverse-blog]

Tomorrow I will wake up 

In a different bed 

In a different room 

In a different house 

Than I have ever before 

This in itself is

Brave.

[sunriseoverseauniverse-blog]

Fat, and skinny, and ‘worrying about your weight’

All comes from the same origin: 

Low self esteem.

Right?

See, whether the skinny person thinks they are fat 

Or whether the fat person idolises the idea of being skinny,

They are both personal issues that are related to the same damn thing:

Feeling not good enough, not ENOUGH, not able to be loved.

If you are trying to ‘change’ your body, 

It’s probably not your body that actually needs changing.

We are all enduring the same conditioning over years and years 

Males and females, both with a lot on their shoulders

Expectations about ourselves and others

I think it’s fair to say we all just want to be loved 

But we don’t feel like it can be us that do the loving 

We don’t feel like we can love ourselves because apparently self love 

Is arrogant, selfish or wrong. 

I know, barbaric beliefs that come from low self esteem itself

Passed on like kids games, tag, your it.

Your parents unconsciously say it to you with their own lives

“I don’t like me, so you can’t like you”

“It’s the way I was raised I don’t know any different”

Well, the problem is not the problem here,

Whether we are fat or skinny or chubby or whatever

That’s actually not what this is about.

This is about how we see ourselves.

This is about how we view our bodies, and other peoples bodies 

How we feel about ourselves and others, maybe physically, 

Which is the way this is currently manifesting in terms of body image.

If we can’t love ourselves with curvy, fleshy bodies

We are obviously judging others in this way too

If we desire to be thinner, skinnier, smaller than we are now 

We are looking at those people thinner than us and thinking 

“Wow they are living such better lives than us, everybody wants them!”

Or wants to BE them. I want to be LIKE them. I want to FEEL that way, not this way.

Ask a skinny person with body issues how they feel about themselves

I bet you that they feel crap about their bodies too if they are trying to change 

Themselves and if they don’t feel good enough, if they want to be skinnier

Or they don’t feel secure in their body weight 

Regardless of what they actually weigh 

Or what their body looks like, they have the same feelings as you if they are 

Still trying to change their body even further! 

Do you see what I mean here?

The thing here is not actually the physical terms that have created this “issue”

It’s all in our head!

It is all in our heads. 

Our mind sets the way we look at ourselves 

They way we look at others 

The way we feel about our bodies.

Bullying, conditioning and our parents influence this and they  

All contribute to the way we form ideas about our body image 

In our minds...

See, this is a huge hefty realisation for me. 

Because I grew up believing if I was skinny,

I would be happy 

I would be loved and desirable and

I would be wanted.

I was teased in school for being chubby 

Back when I wasn’t even that chubby, I was just growing into a woman.

Those memories conditioned me and I began to follow chick magazines 

When I was way too young to be reading that shit,

When it influenced my thinking so much that I believed that 

My body was just good for sex and had to be sexy for guys to want me

To get the boyfriend and to get the love that I so desperately wanted 

To feel like I could be wanted and that I could fit in with someone 

So that I could belong.

See, bullying me about my weight made me feel like I couldn’t belong 

It made me feel like it was unsafe for me to be myself and to belong 

I had to change my body that was being so badly judged 

And that it was not the bullies that had to change their behaviour

It was me that had to change to fit in and feel loved...

When I was in primary school, I would have been maybe pre teen

We used to read the sealed sections of trashy girls magz about sex 

Used to look at the models and clothing and accessories 

Never feel that we were enough as we were in our growing bodies 

And we could never get enough of the fancy clothes 

All things we deeply wanted as growing girls 

To be loved, to be desired, to be wanted 

Because we were experimenting with our ideas of romance 

But also because we just wanted to feel like we belonged here

Somewhere. 

I feel this so deeply because this was my life 

My whole childhood 

My whole teenage years 

My memories of these times 

Plagued with things that deepened my belief that I wasn’t good enough 

That my body which had not even finished growing was not good enough 

I struggled to feel like I fit, to belong anywhere 

I have always been a little left of centre 

I believe now that it is one of my biggest strengths 

I was so lucky to grow up as the deep thinker, feeler, experiencer of life 

Something that apparently not everyone is brave enough to risk

Being on the outside for want of a clearer outside perspective

Yeah of course It fucking sucked back then 

I would have loved to go through primary school and high school

Without being bullied for being who I am,

But wow I am grateful for it now because I have found compassion

I have learnt about society and conditioning and self esteem 

I am learning and I am teaching others that it is not our bodies that are wrong

It’s not our bodies that dictate our ability to be loved, wanted, to belong.

But we do first need to bring love into our bodies 

Into the spaces within us that didn’t get that love 

When we were told it was wrong or that we were bullied for the skin we live in

We need to pour love into ourselves and believe we are worth this 

Not worthless.

We need to pour love into ourselves and believe we can get it and give it 

To and from others too. 

To attract this into our lives.

Without love for self, we can not accept love from others 

It’s sort of like a mirror thing.

So it was not in fact me, or you for that matter, that had a problem 

We were just existing, going about our little growing lives 

The problem was not on a physical scale 

It was all a perception of wrong or bad related to body size 

Weight was the weight of the negative perceptions in our mind 

Not our physical existence 

The thoughts we began to think after we were bullied as kids 

It really did change our perception of ourselves right?

It was pretty shit that we had to endure this 

That kids even bullied other kids 

That we reinforced to each other that our bodies ever could be “wrong”

Because it is just not the truest truth 

No matter what the fashion magazines or the culture has to say.

Our bodies change so rapidly, it takes 9 months to grow from nothing 

Into a human being baby that then grows into an adult!

This is insane and amazing and incredible

YOUR BODY, MY BODY, OUR BODIES ARE SO COOL

OUR BODIES GIVE US THE ABILITY TO EXPERIENCE LIFE 

It’s a wonderful gift and a wonderful journey to be living...

If we were to be judged on our body weight 

Of course that would mean we would never feel we were good enough 

But, our bodies change! Our weight can change! We can change ourselves!

Puberty, pregnancy, winter, summer, boy, girl, adulthood, stress 

Things change for us throughout the seasons of our lives 

It’s meant to be this way 

If a pregnant woman starved her body to stay thin 

She would be starving her unborn baby of it’s growth 

Negative thoughts are where the origins of body image issues comes from

This could be the result of bullying or society and conditioning 

Wherever the negative thoughts come from...

It’s very very draining on our precious energy 

And it’s an exchange of energy which doesn’t give us anything back

If anything, negativity breeds more of the same 

So if I could have learnt anything

It would be this

My body is a vessel 

My mind is this same vessel 

Thoughts are energy, this is an awesome thing to know 

Because if my thoughts are making me tired 

I can choose not to waste my energy there 

I can think new thoughts that give me the opposite of tired

Therefore, I can think new thoughts that give me the opposite of 

Low self esteem.

Thinking that you are fat is going to make you act like that 

And often when we feel fat, it’s not just ‘fat’ that we feel 

It could be unwanted, undesirable and unloved feelings

Feelings that we ‘associate’ with that of fat-ness because that’s when 

We first began to feel that way, when we were bullied because of our body

And this unloved or unwanted feeling doesn’t come from being “fat”

It comes from being pointed out as it being wrong to have curves

It comes from being conditioned by society or our parents about our bodies 

It comes from the unattainable expectations of trash magazines 

It comes from those negative experiences we had with our bodies growing up 

Because society currently doesn’t protect us from this

It actually encourages body issues because they make money in products

It creates us to feel wrong so we will go forth trying to be fixed 

To buy all of the self esteem boosting products 

The body care stuff, the clothing, the gels, balms, sex toys, whatever

And the heart of the companies offering treatments to fix us in any way 

Are fuelled by money and play on low self esteem, reaching the vulnerable.

These feelings of feeling unloved, unlovable, undesirable, unwanted, 

They are real feelings which we need to acknowledge.

If we keep them in the dark places in ourselves without noticing them 

They will be the very thing keeping us down, 

Not the fact that we have bodies which are all different in different ways.

So why is our self esteem kept down so low?

Well that’s for speculation

I think the important thing here is to recognise the feelings 

Recognise that it is not our bodies but in our minds 

Brainwashing even, from society, bullies, conditioning, consumerism 

Recognise that the skinny people may struggle with low self esteem too

That your body fat is not the cause of low self esteem itself it’s a symptom

This is so crucial because I used to believe I could change this in myself 

Just by changing my weight

But I have been at my thinnest and still never felt good enough 

And I have been at my heaviest and have been able to unlock new perspective

Which has taught me that what my body was doing was not the real point 

It was what was going through my mind 

What I allowed to continue to go through my mind that made me feel bad

That highly affected me in terms of what I believed about myself 

And about my body... it was emotionally that I felt it was bad to be fat 

Because to me in that vulnerable state, being fat meant being unlovable.

It’s not true but it felt like the truth because I felt unloved and it was pointed out 

By bullies who would only bully me because they thought I looked fat.

I put two and two together as a young growing mind and it hurt me badly.

It affected me for many many years. 

It made me go after boys who were mean to me 

It made me believe that It was me that needed to be better 

Not seeing the bullies as needing to change their bullying, 

I thought It was all me that I needed to change my growing perfect body.

I wish I could go back to those days in the school yard 

And stand up for my younger self and tell her that it’s not my body that needs 

To change, that it is wrong to bully others for their bodies and that they bullies 

Are obviously insecure otherwise they wouldn’t bully!

I would teach my pre teen and teenage self to feel what I felt 

And transmute that pain into compassion, like I’ve learnt to do now.

It was not in my body, it was in my mind.

Obesity, anorexia, binge eating disorder, bulimia all have roots in mental health

No matter how they affect the physical body 

It is not the physical body that is wrong it is a collection of physical symptoms 

It is not your body that has to change here for you to feel better

Think about how your thoughts control your self esteem 

Think about who controlled your thoughts when you didn’t do so yourself 

Think about who controls your thoughts now? 

I wish for you and I wish for me, that we become balanced in self esteem

So we can love our bodies for the embodiment that we are 

That we can loves ourselves, even those feelings when they come up 

The “am i good enough?”s, the “am I loveable?”s, the “can I be wanted?”s 

And tell those thoughts, tell those deep feelings, that yes actually 

I can love myself even though I feel and have thoughts about these things 

Even though I can sometimes be negative 

Because actually I am able to love and be loved for who I am 

It’s time I started telling myself kind things 

And reminding myself of who I am

Beyond the labels and the feelings and the thoughts 

Because my body goes beyond those things 

Beyond the physical realms

Spirit connects beyond our souls 

Souls connect deeper than our bodies 

And I have had enough of not feeling like I am enough 

I’ve had it with these mother fucking snakes on this mother fucking plane

My mind is the only thing making me feel insane

My mind is the only thing hating my body weight 

I know now, that my body is great,

It’s my own past beliefs and thoughts that would benefit from change.