#on the ground fucking shaking in turmoil because no one in my family understands why im so distraught

[sleepy-crypt1d]

nothing could have possibly prepared me for my nephew being born on 4/13

[staytinyville]

Han

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↣ Summary: Having spent your entire life trapped behind the castle walls, the day you go out you meet a man who tells you that the life you thought you knew was all a lie. So you take matters into your own hands. 

↣ Characters/Pairing: Han Jisung x fem!reader

↣ Genre: historical!au, fantasy

↣ AU/Trope info: kingdom!au, villager!Han, princes(s)!reader, 

↣ Word Count: 1.6k

↣ Warnings: None

↣ A/N: Royal!aus got me fucked man. I love them so much. Especially game of thrones esque types. Han is such a boy I can see him being a blacksmith’s boy or something. One who wants to be like a knight. 

THE TOWER

Sudden Change, Upheaval, Chaos, Revelation, Awakening

This is a card that signifies a large charge. Not just any kind of change but the one that would shake you to your core and leave you gasping for air. However just because this is a card closely related to a change that will leave you shook, that doesn't always mean a negative change.

While you may be thrown for a loop with this card, it is best to keep your feet planted to the ground and understand the turmoils that are coming with it. Not everyone can understand what this card has in store for them.

While the tower falls in the end, what you have forward to looking for is the rebuilding and the aftermath. You will be beaten and battered, but the results will come out in your favor.

XVI THE TOWER

“I'd like to go out into the city today.” You told one of the stableman. 

They stopped giving hay to the horses, turning to look at you with raised eyebrows. “Have you asked your parents, my lady?”

“I'm just going into town outside the keep.” You frowned, thinking back to the time you did ask them. While you knew your parents were busy you didn’t think they would wave you off with a no. 

“Not leaving the country.” You added. 

“I'm afraid I only take orders from your parents. If they have not approved, I'm afraid I cannot do that for you.” The man went back to doing his chores. 

You sneered at him, lips turning up. With a huff you turned around, stomping off. As a little girl you had always spent time adventuring around the castle grounds. Oftentimes you would find yourself climbing the walls little by little. You wouldn’t dare to crawl over the tall parts of the stone wall, but you did find spots that you could easily fall over. One such spot was a window in a hallway that looked out into a part of the city.

“Shit!” Your eyes went wide as your hands let go of the siding and you went tumbling down onto your back. 

You hit the ground with a thud, your breath leaving you for a second causing you to gasp. The cloak you had worn was getting dirty with dust as you curled into a fetal position trying to lessen the pain. The fall wasn’t a huge one; it was a good five foot wall but the tumble still did cause pain from how you landed. 

“Women falling from the sky?” Someone spoke up, looking at the wall you had just fallen from. “Must be my lucky day.” He was quick to help you up, dusting off some of your clothing. As you got a look at your face he frowned. 

“Lady (Y/N)?” He asked, tilting his head. 

“Yes. Thank you—” You paused for a moment as you took in his cute chubby cheeks. 

It had been a long while since you had ever seen someone as adorable as him. You hadn’t even spoken to many men outside of the staff and your family so getting to meet one was a bit of a shock for you. He must have taken your pause as a question to who he was and he answered you.

“Han.” He nodded. “Han Jisung.”

“Thank you, Jisung.” You shook your head, bowing it in thanks for helping you up. 

“Can I ask why you were climbing through that window though?” He asked you looking up at the castle wall. 

“I wanted to leave the palace but they told me I couldn't.” You huffed, fixing your cloak and dress. 

You furrowed your eyebrows as you saw his expression turn irritated. 

“You actually want to leave the palace? Yeah, okay.” He scoffed, suddenly annoyed with you as he went back on his journey. 

“Hey!” You called after, rushing towards him. “You don't know what it's like in there.” 

“Hm. Never going hungry. Having all the luxury silks money can buy. Not having to lift a finger up for anything. You're right–sounds terrible.” He rolled his eyes sarcastically. 

“It's not that.” Your voice turned soft, making Han feel sort of bad for the way he was speaking to you. “The staff doesn't let me do anything if my parents don't have a say in it.”

“Oh you poor thing.” He fake pouted. 

“Stop patronizing me!” You huffed out, following after his steps again. 

He quickly stopped causing you to bump into him. You gasped queitly, holding onto his arms to keep from falling over. 

“Look, princess. I don't care what your parents do and don't do with you.” He told you. “You're just another noble lady coming to ruin our day by taking what we work hard for just to use it for personal gain. Your parents already do that as is.”

You were froed for a moment as you looked at him confused. Han raised a brow at your look, waiting for you to say something else. 

“My parents?” You asked quietly. 

“Uh, yeah.” Han spoke. “They are the worst. Always raising taxes, taking from us and not giving enough money. Who knows how they're still in power.” He began to head towards a shop on the street, dropping his bags at the entrance. 

He turned around when you stood still in the middle of the small alleyway, frowning as he took in your confused expression. If he didn’t know any better it would seem as thought this was the first time you were hearing about this kind of thing. 

“No.” You shook your head. “That can't be true. My parents always give to the people. They care for them.” You looked up at him, the look of denial clear on your face. 

“You're so caught under their arms you don't even know the truth.” He whisepred, growing closer to you. “Did you know, your mother had a child killed because they ran into her while on the streets? Or that your father comes down to the brother every other week? You have no clue who you're living with.” He told you.

“I—I have to go.” You shook your head, tears springing in your eyes as you thought about all that Han had told you. “This can't be true.” You whispered to yourself turning around. 

He had always heard about how the king and queen seemed to keep the princess under their care. But it was much deeper than that. The only time they were ever allowed to see her was when they would have parades and she would always be behind in a carriage. It was clear (Y/N) had hardly ever been allowed to go see the people. 

But from the staff that did work in the castle, they had always spoken so highly of her. Saying she was the kindest of all her family and cared deeply about what they all thought. She was a studious person who saw the world as something that needed protecting. She was someone of justice–someone who catered to the needs of everyone with the right rule. 

A much better ruler than her parents. 

“Hey!” Han shouted, running after you. “Wait!”

When he reached you, you had been hyperventilating, thinking about all those lies you had been told. You knew Han had been right–you had seen the clues of how cruel your parents actually were. All those staff members who talked behind their back, didn’t try to go against their orders. All those times they would look at you in fear after hearing that you wanted to do something without their permission. You were blocking out the truth on your own. 

Your chest began to tighten and your legs felt weak. You were close to falling over until Han held you up with his arms wrapped around you. 

“Hey, hey. Look at me.” Han whispered, holding your face with his hands softly. They were calloused, rough due to his hard work. “I'm sorry.” He told you. “I'm sorry I told you all those things but you need to breathe for me okay? Deep breaths.”

You looked at him with tears falling down your cheeks, his thumbs rubbing them away. “Why did you help me?” You asked him quietly. 

“Because I know what it's like to have an anxiety attack. I'm sorry I put you in that position.” He pulled you into his chest, allowing you to wrap your arms around him. His breathing was soothing you, bringing you back to the right state of mind. With closed eyes you knew what it was you had to do. 

“It's okay.” You took in a deep breath pulling away from him. You gave him a smile, confusing Han for a moment. “I can't let them be those kinds of rulers. The people deserve better.”

“Like who?” He asked. “You?”

“I am the heir.” You let go of him, holding your head high as if you hadn’t just had a panic attack. “I'll fix this. I promise, Jisung.”

And you kept that promise. It was easy to create a rebellion against your parents and cause them to step down from their positions. You got not only the staff but also the council on your side–after you took care of the corrupt in it of course. With how much you had studied to become the perfect heir, you knew all there was to politics in the country. 

You accused your father of war crimes and adultery. Your mother was outraged with this–having now known. She had tried to side with you, saying you were perfect for the throne. However you accused her of murder and fraud. Bezzling the crown’s money for her own luxuries. They tried to fight against you but you had the soldiers and citizens to back you up. 

And so now you sat at the throne, a metal crown on your head to signify your new position. A large smile graced your lips as you saw someone walking up the steps. He took a glance at the guards at your side but when he saw you come to a stand and walked down the steps to meet him he didn’t find it in himself to worry. 

“You kept your promise.” He told you, looking up at the crown. 

It was his most prized possession after you had asked him to make it. He added in his own touch as per your request. You wanted it to serve as a reminder that he was the one who opened your eyes. 

“I told you I would.” You answered. “Thank you for helping me.” Your face softened, feet shuffling closer to him.

Your hands twitched at your side, wanting to reach out for him. But he knew with the look in your eyes that there would be a moment for that. Alone and away from the prying eyes of others. 

“Thank me by giving me food.” He teased. 

“All you can eat.”

Tags : @cultofdionysusnet , @sandsofire , @k-vanity

[theblacklupins]

Brief mention of sex (but nothing explicit), brief relationship abuse, a lot of cursing, and heavy angst (idk if i know how to write angst but :D)

“Sirius?”

Sirius looked up from the ground to find a certain werewolf with a frown on his face. The rest of his expression remained neutral, even his eyes. Classic Remus Lupin, never showed his true emotions. Always so blank.

“Mm?” Sirius murmured, not meeting the other boy’s eyes so he couldn’t see the turmoil in them.

“You look,” Remus started, pausing awkwardly and rubbing the back of his neck, “sad.”

Sirius, with as much effort as he could muster, forced a hopefully convincing smile onto his lips. “I’m not. Just tired. You know, with exams and all.”

Remus paused again before slowly saying, “Exams are three months away.” He raised an eyebrow. “Even the teachers haven’t started pestering us on revision yet.”

Sirius mentally slapped himself. “Well, uh, I’m revising a bunch myself. It’s tiring, you know?”

Remus didn’t say anything back, just stared at him with those emotionless eyes of his.

“Well, I, uh, have go get going now. James wants me to... hang out with him.” Sirius internally cringed at his lie. “See you, Moons.”

As Sirius turned away, Remus asked abruptly, “It’s not about your boyfriend, is it? What’s his name, Philipp?”

Sirius froze before turning back to face the werewolf, faux smile already forming across his face. “No, of course not! Why would you think that?”

Remus stared at him with narrowed eyes before turning and walking away.

The truth was, Philipp had been the first to approach Sirius. Blonde, tall and good looking, Sirius had taken to him immediately. They both seemed to have the same humour and interests, and were able to hold on conversations for hours on end. They were like a perfect match.

It wasn’t long before Sirius started catching feelings. He hadn’t really liked someone in years, only going for flings and one night stands. But Philipp, he’d thought, was different from the others. Philipp was the guy who understood him most, apart from his best friends.

Sirius had confessed and they started dating immediately. Philipp was always one to initiate touches, which Sirius warmly welcomed. But James, Peter and even Remus showed discomfort whenever they had kissed or brought their hands just a little too low for others’ eyes. It made Sirius a little annoyed.

“It’s not that we don’t like you being with him, you look happy,” James had said when Sirius confronted them about it. “It’s just that... we barely know Philipp. And it’s a little... awkward whenever you guys get a little... handy.”

Peter scoffed. “That’s to put it mildly. You two were nearly having sex in the common room while we were trying to study. You had half your shirt off, Sirius.”

Sirius narrowed his eyes as anger began to brew in his stomach. “Like you’re any better, Wormy, you and your girlfriend in the dorms—"

Peter glared at him. “Shut up.”

Sirius had felt a sick sense of satisfaction before Remus cut in. “You both shut your mouths. This isn’t going anywhere. Simplest solution to this? Keep it in your goddamn pants until you’re alone. If that’s too much, do a quickie in a fucking bathroom or something.”

Sirius let out a huff before rolling his eyes. “Fine. Whatever. I’m going to go find Philipp.”

Now, Sirius regretted ever having anything to do with his boyfriend.

As they days passed, Philipp grew more and more obsessed and possesive over Sirius, not letting the boy talk to anyone without him just beside the boy, and looking through any letters he got and delivered. It crossed the line when Philipp started sorting out through letters Sirius had gotten from his family. The argument ended in screams and insults thrown at each other, which caused Sirius to nearly cry. They made up with sex a few hours later, though.

Sirius realised that, the morning after when he had woken up with his boyfriend gone from the bed, Philipp had never apologised once.

It got to the breaking point when Philipp suggested he stopped talking to the Marauders while they were sitting on the grass outside.

“What?” Sirius nearly yelled, turning his head to Philipp. “What do you mean, stop talking to them? That’s utter fucking bullshit! They’re my goddamn friends, Phil, you can’t just tell me not to ghost them!”

Philipp narrowed his eyes. “Fine. It’s either me or them, Sirius. Choose between us.”

Sirius was frozen, thoughts muddled and in a whirlwind. Philipp or the Marauders? It was supposed to be an obvious choice, an easy one. But Sirius couldn’t decide. Why didnhe even have to decide? Why couldn’t he have both?

But Sirius shook his head, eyes narrowing. “No. They were here for me first. You can’t just expect me to abandon my friends because you want me to. Especially after all the shit you’ve done to me.”

“I was trying to protect you!” Philipp roared, making Sirius flinch back. “I wanted the best for you! Clearly your so-called friends want me out of the picture because they’re jealous of the time we spend together!”

Before Sirius could even open his mouth to speak, Philipp raised a hand, and the other boy flinched back horribly.

A hand caught Philipp’s a centimetre away from Sirius’ cheek.

“Well. I see that this date is going well?”

Sirius raised his head to find Remus holding back Philipp’s hand. He shoved the blonde boy back, standing in front of Sirius, as if guarding him.

“Listen mate, you’re not really in any position to hit my best friend,” Remus said impassively. “Either hands off of him from now on or I’m reporting you.”

Philipp laughed, a manic, crazy sound. “Please, I’m his boyfriend. Do you think I’ll listen to you? Do you think he’ll listen to you?”

Remus raised an eyebrow and faced Sirius. “Well? You want to stay with this crazy bastard then, Sirius?”

Sirius swallowed, glancing at Philipp and back to Remus, hesitating. However, the few seconds of silence seemed to make Remus understand. His expression turned icy, back straightening. He nodded.

“I’ll be taking my leave now.”

Remus started walking away, and Philipp hung an arm around Sirius’ shoulders. “Bitch. Called me a crazy bastard.”

Sirius shrugged off his arm and ran towards where Remus had disappeared into the castle, ignoring Philipp’s shouts of his name.

“Remus?” Sirius yelled when he entered the common room. He found the werewolf curled up in an armchair, holding a book.

His hands were shaking.

“Remus?” Sirius whispered, walking towards the werewolf timidly.

“I don’t know why you’re with him,” Remus said suddenly, voice sharp. “Do you not see what he’s doing to you? He’s fucking crazy! He’s obsessed with controlling you and he hates knowing that you’re hanging with other people, even though they’re all clearly your friends. He’s toxic as fuck, he makes you second guess yourself constantly. Don’t even try to deny it, I’ve seen it happen more times than I can count. He does things to your head, Sirius. He’s fucked up. Why can’t you just see that?”

Sirius kept quiet, tears brimming in his eyes as the truth was forcefully shoved into his face. He knew he had realised this long ago, but only now was he coming to terms with it. Only now was he accepting the truth. So fucking stupid.

“You deserve more than him,” Remus croaked, voice breaking. It shattered Sirius’ heart. “You deserve so much more. But you won’t let yourself have it.”

Sirius felt tears spill down his cheeks.

“And it fucking hurts to know that I’m not worth enough for you.”

Sirius snapped his head up to look at Remus, whose eyes were closed tightly, but tears still streamed down his face.

“Remus,” Sirius whispered, voice broken.

“I’m sorry,” Remus whispered, pained breaths hissing through his clenched teeth. “I knew he was bad for you— but you looked so happy. I didn’t want to take that away. I— I knew I had no right to say anything, because I’m no better than him. And when he started— started acting like an asshole, I didn’t want to say anything. You were already so mad at James and Peter for telling you to stop being so touchy with him in front of them, how would you react if I told you he was a toxic bitch? What if you hated me? What if you thought that I was trying to, I don’t know, break you two apart?”

“Remus, please,” Sirius whispered brokenly.

“He was your everything,” Remus muttered. “And I... I’m nothing to you.”

Sirius didn’t even think. He just ripped the book from Remus’ hands and pressed his lips against the werewolf’s, grief and sadness and overwhelming emotion fuelling the kiss.

It was a mess of feelings and tears, and the ever growing need to be nearer to each other. It was pure, raw, and nothing like they’d ever experienced in their lives.

They broke apart after a few seconds, staring into each other’s eyes before Remus pushed him off.

“Sirius, no,” Remus whispered, not looking at him. “No. I’m— no. This— we can’t happen.”

Sirius glared at him. “And tell me why. Why it can’t work. Because, Remus, I seem to fucking like you. And it seems you do too, judging from that kiss we just had.”

“You’re still with Philipp,” Remus muttered.

“I’ll break up with him.”

They stayed silent for a while, before Sirius whispered, “If it’s because you think you’re not worthy of me, Remus Lupin, you’ve never been more wrong in your entire life.”

Remus sucked in a breath.

“You’re one of the smartest people I know,” Sirius said quietly. “You’re compassionate, kind, and caring as fuck. You don’t show it, but I can see through your facade. You’re determined when you want something, and you fight for it. You’re fucking amazing, Remus. You hold this— this fire in your eyes, and it’s like it’s driving you forward every day. Anything you face, you do it with as much courage and bravery anyone could possibly have. You’re— you’re a beacon, Rem. You’re a light that gives me direction. And I— I think I love you for that. I think I love you. And you being a werewolf doesn’t change any of that. An added bonus that you’re pretty cute, too.”

Finally, finally, a laugh from Remus. It sounded so much better than the ragged sobs he’d been trying to hide.

“I’ll break up with him,” Sirius murmured, nuzzling into Remus’ side, hands coming up to wipe away the tears on the werewolf’s face.

“What if he doesn’t let you?”

Sirius chuckled. “I’ll get James. And Lily.”

“You’re really trying to scare him shitless, really? Those two?”

Sirius shrugged. “Hey. He deserves it.”

Remus laughed, a breathy sound that was rarely heard by anyone. “That, I agree.”

[cacoetheswriting]

champagne problems, ch.8

Spencer is in love with you, but you’re engaged to someone else.

Chapter Eight: Wild Love: Spencer gets something off his chest while you’re stuck in a hotel room. A/N: chapter is titled after this song if you want to listen while reading.     Word Count: 1.6k Warnings: cursing, mentions of alcohol consumption, heartbreak, unrequited / unreciprocated love, very angsty, this whole series is a real slow burn babyyy

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A/N: y’all are killing me with all the love on this story so far omg. i am so appreciative of every single comment, like, reblog, all the sweet things you say in the tags etc. etc. thank you and i hope you like this chapter (this one turned out to be more conversation than descriptions of feelings/thoughts just fyi) ! x

-

“Since we’re stuck here for the night, how about one more drink?” Luke asked, glancing between the team. “You buying?” Matt teased making everyone else chuckle. Luke rolled his eyes. “If that’s what it takes.”

All flights were grounded due to a heavy snowstorm. This meant that after solving their most recent case, the team were forced to remain on location. At a small bed and breakfast right in the middle of nowhere.

“I’ll have another drink.” Emily stated with a smile. “Sure, why the hell not. It’s not often I get a night away from my boys.” JJ added. Tara also raised her hand, indicating she'll have one more.

All heads turned to you and Spencer. The brunette doctor sat quietly in the corner. Clearly a lot on his mind. You were right by his side, gently resting your head against his shoulder.

A small yawn escaped your lips. “I think I’m gonna call it a night guys.” You said, slowly sitting up. “It’s been a heck of a day, and the bed is calling my name.” The group groaned, but didn't protest. Instead, they all looked to Spencer who seemed to be debating his options.

“What about you Reid?” Luke asked. “Care for another one?”

“Sure. Uh, I’ll walk Y/N to her room and I’ll be right back.” “It’s okay Spencer, stay. I’ll be fine.” You countered while getting up to your feet however, the handsome doctor wasn’t taking no for answer.

Unknown to you, unknown to everyone apart from Penelope, Spencer’s been trying to find the right moment to tell you how he really felt. He spent the last two months debating whether it was a good idea. The idea of telling you he was still in love with you scared the shit out of him because it could go one of two ways:

1. You feel the same way and call off the engagement. The two of you get back together and he spends the rest of his living breathing days making you the happiest woman on earth.

2. You don’t feel the same way and you end up resenting him for lying to you, his confession ruining your friendship.

Either way, someone will end up getting hurt.

“You really didn't have to come with me doctor.” You said stopping outside the door. Spencer shrugged his shoulders, his nose twitching simultaneously. “I wanted to. Plus sitting too long causes a number of health issues. Your leg muscles weaken. Your hip flexors shorten, and it can cause compression on the discs in your spine which can lead to premature degeneration, which results in chronic pain.”

You arched a brow. “So what you’re saying is that you’re really just looking out for yourself?”

“No, I-I, well...” He flustered and you couldn't help but chuckle. “We’ve been friends long enough for you to know when I’m just messing around.” Friends. The word stung. “Right. Sorry.” He glanced down at his shoes.

Sudden concern flooded through you. Gently, you placed a hand on the side of his face, and slowly lifted it back up. “Are you okay honey? You seem a little off, and I hope you don't mind me saying but it’s not just tonight.”

He chewed on the inside of his cheek. Mind racing a million miles an hour. Of course you recognised his odd behaviour. He thought he did a good job at hiding his inner turmoil. Honestly, sometimes he forgets just how well you can read him. He forgets that you know him better than he knows himself.

“I hope you know you can talk to me.” You whispered, tenderly brushing loose strands of his hair away from his face.

The gleam in your eyes was so kindhearted. It was exactly that look that made Spencer think he truly didn't deserve you and that you were better off without him. It was also that look that made Spencer love you even more. The look that made him want to fight for you.

“Do ehm, do you think I could come in?” He asked after a moment of silence.

“Of course.” You let your hand fall back to your side. “Of course you can.”

Soon enough the two of you were sat at the edge of your bed. A noticeably tense atmosphere filled the air. Your eyes were glued to the side of his head, wondering what the hell was going on in that big brain of his, while Spencer looked down at his hands. Which at this point were trembling uncontrollably.

It didn’t take you long to notice, you could practically feel them vibrating against your leg. You reached out, giving them a little squeeze before intertwining your fingers with his.

“What’s going on Spencer? You’re starting to scare me.”

The hazel-eyed man took a deep breath before finally meeting your gaze. His features broken, as if he was about to burst into tears.

“I’ve been lying to you Y/N.” He stated quietly.

You furrowed your brows confused, taken aback by his admission. “W-what? What are you talking about? You’re the most honest man I’ve ever met.” You expressed, but he shook his head. His light curls bouncing perfectly. “I’m not. I’m really not.”

“Spencer.” “Please Y/N, please just… I… I haven’t been honest with you and it’s eating me alive. Usually you would be the person I turn to for advice on these things, but since it involves you… I-I really don’t know what to do.”

“Tell me.”

“It’s not that simple.”

You nodded your head slowly and swallowed your breath. “O-okay. Okay well, uhm… let me ask you this. If you don’t tell me, are you going to continue lying to me?” It was a weighted question which Spencer knew there was no right answer to. “Unfortunately.” He mumbled.

“Then I think, I think it is that simple.”

You were right. Every inch of him screamed you were right. Fuck. How the hell did it come to this? He had no trouble hiding his love for you these last few years.  He couldn’t understand why was it so difficult all of a sudden.

Abruptly, Spencer got to his feet and ran his fingers through his hair. A deep frustrated sigh escaping his lips as he loosened his tie. Your uneasy gaze locked onto him, following his every move. And as he closed his eyes, cracking his neck, you suddenly remembered that the last time he seemed this frazzled was the day the two of you broke up. Your stomach dropped.

“Oh no.” You whispered standing up. “Ohh Spencer.”

He turned on his heel to look at you once again. Your fingers were pressed to your chin, mouth slightly parted. You couldn’t possibly have figured it out?

“You’re breaking up with me.” It seemed like a silly statement considering you weren’t a couple. “I mean, you’re ending our friendship. That’s what this is, right? You don’t want to be my friend anymore and you’ve been lying to me by pretending that you do.” There were noticeable tears in your eyes.

“What? No, no, no. It’s completely the opposite of that.”

“I don’t think I understand. The opposite of-”

“I love you.”

“Well of course, I love you too. You’re my best friend. You’re family.”

“No.” He took a step towards you and cupped your cheeks with his hands. “I’m in love with you Y/N.”

You blinked. Eyelashes fluttering as the realisation of what Spencer just declared washed over you. He saw your lips quaver and your eyes widen. The dots connecting in your mind. All the moments you spent together, the conversations you shared. Everything was running through your mind like a homemade movie, making it impossible it collect your thoughts.

“I know I said I moved on, and that’s where I lied.” Spencer continued as you stared at him, unable to move. “I never moved on Y/N. I tried, believe me I tried. But you are a part of me, a part of my soul. You are the reason I get out of bed in the morning. Seeing you, your smile. Hearing your laughter. Being able to talk to you, and just be around you. Your aura. Everything about you is so intoxicating and I messed up big time letting you go all those years ago.”

Tears began to trail down your cheeks as you bit down on your bottom lip to stop it from trembling. Tiny salty droplets that Spencer slowly wiped away using his thumbs.

“I never said anything because I wanted to be there for you, first and foremost, in whatever way you needed me. I wanted to remain in your life after we broke up because your friendship means the world to me. I guess I thought-t, I hoped that maybe one day we’d get back together. And I know it’s unfair for me to lay all of this on you now, I know. And I’m sorry, I can’t keep it to myself anymore. You, I think you deserve to know.”

Quiet sobs filled the room. Your whole body was now shaking under his touch. Heart aching. It felt like you couldn't breathe.

All you ever wanted was for Spencer to love you. All you ever wanted was for him to tell you that he made a mistake all those years ago and that the two of you belong together. 

“P-please say something.” His plea was barely a whisper.

All you ever wanted.

“I-I.. Spencer, I...”

You finally got all you ever wanted. The brunette doctor was standing in front of you professing his love, and yet it felt like he just stabbed you in the back. His declaration, those three cursed words you dreamt so long ago to hear come out of his lips again. It felt like the ultimate betrayal.

Don't know what to say to you now Standing right in front of you

-

A/N: FINALLY A LOVE CONFESSION ! honestly this chapter was a little hard for me to write... it took me a while to actually sit down to it and actually be happy with what i wrote idk BUT i hope you liked it and as always i’d love to hear your feedback! if you would like to be added to a taglist, please let me know. thank you for your continuous support. with love, mal. x

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[brilliantt]

Mouse - part two

Summary: Maggie Shelby isn’t like her brothers or sister, being quiet and studious she often struggles to fit in. When money gets stolen and she is accused will she stick around and continue to be an outcast in her family? 

A/N: thanks so much for the support on the first part! In part two we see Maggie’s relationship with her twin Finn, the two are 17 atm. Also Tommy is being a prick, sorry! :P Let me know what you think!!

-PREVIOUS-

From a young age Finn and Maggie were close. Being a lot younger than their siblings they had no choice but to play together, even if they could never decide on what to play. While Maggie preferred playing with her dolls or marbles, Finn always had the deciding vote- he was of course the older sibling by five minutes! And so, Maggie was coerced time and time again to play Finn’s favourite (and subsequently her worst) game: cops and robbers. Finn was as quick as Maggie was slow. This is why the twins realised Maggie could never be the robber, because Finn could catch her in less than a minute. Maggie never knew why Finn had always insisted on playing the game; it always ended the same. She would spend so long trying to catch him and he would dodge her every time with ease, then Maggie would get annoyed that she couldn't get him, going off in a huff and refusing to play a minute longer. Then, her refusal would cause finn in return to get mad. A quiet dinner with exchanged glares would follow. And finally peace is restored when Finn sneaks into her room with a couple of stolen biscuits because they could never stay mad at each for long. 

It was often they butt heads but that was because they had spent so much time together. It was safe to say they were each other's first best friend. As they got older, however, the more different they became. Finn had always been an outgoing child, something which stayed with him. He enjoyed partying and drinking and smoking. Maggie preferred to keep to herself and rarely went out at night. During the day Finn could be seen becoming more active in the family business whereas Maggie was in school. It was rare that their paths ever crossed. 

It was just by chance therefore that on the Thursday afternoon just before Maggie finished school, that Finn had been sent to collect money from a house just around the corner from the school building. And just by chance that as he had finished up and was about to walk home, he saw his sister surrounded by a bunch of boys her age and being pushed to the ground by one of them.

---

At school Maggie was alone. She found it difficult to talk to anyone other than her brothers, meaning that she couldn't make friends. Not forgetting that no one wanted to befriend her, lest they got caught up in the unfortunate Shelby 'business’. It was easier when Finn went to school but since he left, Maggie was truly alone. She didn't mind too much because it meant that she could focus on her school work without distraction. 

It wasn't until very recently that she was bothered at school. Whilst people left her alone in fear of her brothers, one foolhardy boy, William Kegley, did not heed this warning. From what Maggie could understand, William’s brother had done something bad to the Blinders leading him to get cut. William wasn’t stupid enough to go after her brothers which left him to target the youngest Shelby girl. It had started with harsh stares and hair tugging which turned to spitted whispers telling her to ‘watch her back’ when the teacher wasn't looking. 

Maggie didn't know what to expect, she had never been threatened before. To what extent of revenge did William want? Logically killing her would make everything even - a sibling for a sibling - but Maggie didn't think William had the stomach for that, he was always more gentle than his brother. Maggie knew that she should tell one of her brothers or even Aunt Polly, however, she also knew this would mean William would end up in the same fate as his brother and Maggie never wanted to be the cause of something like that. So she did what she did best: hide. The final bell would ring and Maggie would hide in an empty classroom, peeking out the window where William and a few of his friends hung around smoking. Maggie waited and waited, until they got bored and assumed she had already left. Only after they had disappeared did Maggie leave. For three days this seemed to work. Until Thursday.

Maggie was hiding as usual, watching the boys smoke. Normally she would have to wait another 20 minutes. Today however the classroom door opened to reveal her English teacher who had forgotten his book on the desk. Unfortunately for Maggie she couldn't think of an excuse in time so he escorted her out telling her to go home. With only one exit from the school, she now had no option but to stick it up and wished that William was bluffing. With a deep breath she straightened her back, hoping she looked at least a bit confident. She barely made it halfway.

They formed a circle around her, with her and William in the centre. Every time Maggie edged back, someone would push her back. She kept her gaze down, only looking up when William hit the books from her arms onto the floor. They scattered about onto the grimy pavement. The boys cheered, some leaving boot marks on the papers. Maggie locked eyes with William, the sounds around her blocked out, she tried to keep her breathing even but she could feel her throat closing. William reached forward, too quick for Maggie to even flinch, and gripped her chin. “If it weren’t for you Shelbys, my brother would still be alive.” Everything about William’s face cried anger; his blonde eyebrows were furrowed, his teeth snarling and nostrils flared. His eyes couldn't keep up though, for they expressed a deep hurt, and a compassionate Maggie felt her lips trembling when she looked into them. “I’m sorry,” She whispered, “I.. I didn’t know anything, please.” Two eyes pleaded at each other. Maggie could see turmoil William faced. She didn't know him very well but she knew he never joined in on the playground fights and she had once seen him comfort a tear stained girl when the boys had stolen her doll. He was gentle by nature but he was a Small Heath boy and the jeering from the boys around him filled his mind with anger.  With a shake of his head, he pressed both hands on Maggie's chest and shoved her to the ground. Tears rushed to her eyes as her head smacked the concrete. William hovered over her but his eyes widened when an enraged shout was heard.

Pushing his way through, Finn knelt beside his sister checking if she was alright. It was rare for Finn to get angry so Maggie worried when she saw the look in his eyes. He put himself chest to chest with Willaim, not breaking eye contact with him when he said, “Everyone else better get the fuck away from here.” He pulled his Peaky cap further onto his head as a warning. The cowardly boys scattered, leaving William and Finn in a standoff. As soon as Maggie saw Finn’s hand hovering over his gun, she stood up, ignoring the pain in her head, and gently gripped his arm. “Finn”, he turned towards her, seeing her shake her head. He clenched his jaw and frowned. His gaze stayed on his sister but he spoke to William, “You better piss off now, and stay the fuck away from her.” William looked like he was about to say something but then decided against it and began to walk away, taking one last glance at Maggie, until the twins could no longer see him.

Silence settled between the two as they began picking up the papers and books. Finn being quiet always unsettled Maggie. They stared at each other both holding their share. “How’s your head?” He questioned, remembering the harshness of her fall. He waited for her answer but could tell by the way her eyebrows furrowed that she wasn’t listening to him. 

“Please don’t tell Tommy.” Her eyes were wide as she stared at him. “He’ll send the boys out on him and you know how I feel about that, please Finn.” The request was a long shot and Maggie knew that as she asked it. Finn always reported back to Tommy- seeking his approval. The chances he would listen were slim, especially in a situation where she got hurt, and as he raised his eyebrow, choosing to remain silent, her shoulders slumped.

“Come on.” He said, taking the books she was carrying and adding to his own pile. The two walked home together, with Maggie hoping that Finn would listen to her for once.

---

“Tommy wants to see yeh in his office.” It was Polly who had found her. Maggie had taken to lying on her bed. She had tried to do some schoolwork but the persistent pounding of her head made it futile. Maggie felt dread in her stomach at her Aunt’s words. She just knew Finn would rat her out, the bastard. “I know you’re not sleeping. Don’t want to leave his highness waiting.” 

And so Maggie found herself in front of the door leading to her brother’s office. Taking a deep breath, she knocked twice and peaked her head through the door. “You wanted to see me Tommy?”

“Sit.” Maggie shuffled in and placed herself in the chair opposite Tommy. The man took out a cigarette and began smoking it, leaning back in his chair to stare at the girl. A few minutes passed and Maggie knew Tommy was waiting for her to speak first. They were both as stubborn as each other though, and Maggie had already decided that she wouldn’t speak before him. His gaze was piercing through her but she knew if she didn't look in his eyes, she wouldn't cave. 

Tommy sighed and Maggie watched him press his cigarette into the tray. “I want you,” he pointed at her, “to tell me the name of the boy that pushed you.” 

“What?” Maggie brows rose. 

“Finn said he didn’t know the boy’s name. I want you to tell me it.” Despite still feeling annoyed at her twin, Maggie felt a rush of gratefulness towards him, because Finn definitely did know William’s name.

“No.” the word struggled out of her mouth. She always found speaking up to Tommy difficult. The pair of them were very similar in nature, both quiet, rather serious, observant and more. Polly often said they were the same ducks on different ponds. While Maggie was gentle, Tommy was rough. They rarely argued and respected each other. After the war Tommy never really had much time for her, and now since Grace's death he was more angry and less forgiving. “I don’t want you to do anything. Everything’s fine.”

 He also never seemed to listen.

“No, it’s not fine. What if Finn wasn’t there, eh? What would you have done?”

Maggie fidgeted in her seat, avoiding his eyes. “It’s over now, he won’t do it again.” she muttered. 

“And what about the next time? A different boy shoves you and we’re not here, what will you do?” Her headache was returning and Maggie blamed the tears on her eyes on that.  “We’re targeted in this business Maggie, you especially. You’re the weak link, an easy target. So what will you do hmm?” Her lips wobbled. She knew she was weak; she was timid and did not like confrontation but hearing her older brother tell it to her face made her feel bad. 

Tommy didn't stop, “Say someone pulled a gun on you,” suddenly he pointed his gun at Maggie. “What will you do?” She flinched and whimpered in her seat, her face turning white. Tommy sighed, lowering the gun. His icy glare wanted her,  “you need to get stronger, learn how to fight back.”

“Maybe,” Maggie’s voice wobbled, “maybe you should stop doing things that put us in danger.” She was angry at Tommy and felt embarrassed from his actions. “They were only bothering me because of something you did.” 

Tommy seemed taken aback but once again he never listened. His brain was wracking information on who the blinders had cut recently. “It was the Kegley boy, wasn’t it?” She shot her head up, the reaction telling Tommy his assumption was right. 

“Tommy, I don't think I could ever forgive you if you do something to him.” Her words held strength but her body felt weak. She truly feared what Tommy would do. 

Tommy clenched his jaw and stared. “I can worry about your forgiveness later.” He took out another cigarette and lit it, Maggie’s nose twitching at the smell. “You’ll meet Arthur at the boxing ring after school tomorrow. He’s going to teach you how to defend yourself.” Maggie was about to protest when Tommy slammed his hand on the desk, finalising his decision. He motioned for Maggie to leave and started reading some of his papers. 

“I will only go if you swear you won’t hurt William.” Maggie pleaded. Tommy raised his eyebrows to look at her, a bored expression visible. “Please, Tommy, I never asked you for anything in my life. I'm asking you for this one thing, please!” 

“You will go with Arthur tomorrow.” He repeated, returning to his paperwork. Maggie felt defeated. “I will leave Kegley alone but if he tries anything again you don’t have a say, understand?” A sigh of relief was audible through the room. Maggie nodded and began to leave the room. She reached the door and turned back around to look at her brother working. 

“Tommy?” He huffed and inclined his head for her to continue. “If.. If someone pulled a gun on me” Maggie gulped, “I would die.” she closed the door gently behind her. For the next hour Tommy stared at it deep in thought, his cigarette burnt out in his hand. 

---

Maggie struggled falling asleep that night. Her headache had gone but her head pounded with images of William dead on the floor. Her bedroom door creaked open slowly, the head of her twin peering through. He climbed onto her bed, both of them sitting against the headboard, and handed her some biscuits. They nibbled on them and for the first time, Maggie broke the silence, “Is this really what you want Finn? All this violence and the.. the constant fear of dying?” she stared straight ahead, “There must be something more.”

“People like us don't get more, Maggie.” She turned to look at him, he had already finished his biscuits and was eyeing Maggie’s.  

“People like us?”

“Working class. No parents.” He counted on his fingers, “Gypsies. It’s like there's a ladder and we’re stuck on the first step.” He rubbed his hand against his tired eyes. “And yet we’re the lucky ones because there are people like Isiah who aren't even allowed on that first step.”

Maggie’s face twitched as she thought about what Finn said. “We’re both still at the bottom of the ladder Finn.” She handed him one of her biscuits, “I want more than this.”

-NEXT-

[diyunho]

The Joker x Reader - The Delta Paradox. Chapter 1: Deceit

Rumor is the outbreak spreading like fire around the world is somehow Dr. Morbius’ fault: people turned into monsters after getting bitten by the ones already ravaged beyond the irreversible mutation. The last news broadcasted four months ago suggested not all creatures are mindless beasts, a few might still remember who they are and The Joker is about to find out if the story is true.

“Dad…” you whisper and point at the box on the shelves. “I found some peas.”

The Joker turns around and silently walks your way, signaling you to fill up your backpack while he patiently waits for his turn.

The King of Gotham and his 23 year old daughter are scavenging the convenience store on Halsey Street for supplies: food was running low and they had to come out of the bunker in order to acquire basic necessities.

It’s hard to see in the darkness with the tiniest flashlight since they can’t risk being detected.

“Did you find water?” you mumble under your breath.

“No.”

“Dammit, we only have six bottles left,” you sigh, upset at his disclosure. “Should we raid the mall too?”

The Joker covers your mouth, carefully listening.

You can’t discern much until an unnerving screech echoes in the air followed by others in the next second.

“Ssstttt,” J removes the restrain and you clutch to his arm, scared to death.

“Dad…”, you gulp at the commotion happening in the distance: the creatures are probably hunting and you are not willing to become the prey.

“What do we do?” you barely utter and The Clown shakes his head, worried.

“Let’s use the sewers entrance by the dumpster to make it passed the dangerous radius; it’s still open from last time we were here.”

“Ok…” Y/N quietly agrees.

J adds the rest of the containers to his rucksack and lifts it up when he accidentally knocks off a light bulb: the fragile glass shatters to pieces and the two of you stare at each other terrified for a few moments.

The turmoil outside immediately intensifies as The Joker urges:

“Run!”

The panicked Y/N follows her father and she can’t even hear what he’s saying over the deafening roars that seem to come from above the building. Suddenly, the mad man turns and gives you a violent push against the loading dock exit; it’s so unexpected you stumble and before you have the possibility to process what’s going on, J locks it.

“Dad?!” your eyes pop at the small, broken window just to distinguish him backing away. “Dad?!” you start crying. “What are you doing?! Let me in!” The Princess pleads with her parent.

The Joker bites his lip, conflicted at his desire to survive no matter the cost: even if the price to pay is his own daughter.

“Daddy?!” Y/N sobs, petrified at his behavior. “Please?...”

“Better you than me,” he grumbles and runs in the opposite direction, covering his ears when your screams reach him. J rushes out of the shop and drops in the sewer, three monsters already on his trail attempting to grab him; yet they fail because thankfully these beasts are so much larger than the humans they used to be: they can’t fit through the narrow gap The Joker used.

Your father keeps navigating the convoluted catacombs in the darkness while the dim flashlight fails to warn him of the obstacle floating in front of him. He staggers on the dead dog and plunges in the disgusting waters, instantly resurfacing after the initial shock of how bad it stinks. J crawls to near the concrete wall, panting up a storm succeeding the whole ordeal and it hits him: Y/N didn’t pursue.

How could she? The Clown sacrificed his daughter in order to save himself and her agony still resonate in his mind. She was brutally ambushed without any chance of escaping her fate: The Joker made sure of that when he forced her out of the mini-market.

The same daughter that came back for him at the Penthouse when it was clear things are going downhill - no other gang member ever returned; the same daughter that accompanied him in their perilous searching trips as it all went to shit; the same daughter that took care of him when he got sick in the bunker and risked her life in order to bring her father antibiotics; the same daughter that was the only family he had left on this God forsaken planet.

And now she’s gone.

The Joker is all alone like he was always meant to be: nothing can withstand his poison.

**************

8 Months Later

The King of Gotham sneaks in the blackness with precious cargo: tonight was a lucky one. He found soda, crackers and peanuts at a vending machine inside the mall. The road to the bunker is not a short one and he has to be alert; food is scarce and each time he has to venture further and further to find needed items which is why he’s still roaming at this late hour.

Surprisingly calm atmosphere in this neighborhood; J saw a lot of creatures on McCormick Avenue and then an infested Main Boulevard made him backtrack and take this path. It was the correct call because his progress has been steady: moving in shadows has developed into a skillful talent.

He abruptly stops noticing movement blocking his route West of 5th Street. The Joker had no idea it’s swarming with the infected also.

J barely notices something splattering at his feet and freezes: it’s difficult to discern what it is but he has a vague concept. He looks up only to see one of the winged scouts landing on the broken light pole whilst drooling and sniffing the air. The Joker’s body is stiff, his senses sharpened to the maximum: what is he supposed to do? Try to leave? That’s an enormous risk and motion could unleash a chain reaction among the beasts if the one above identifies the helpless individual. Stay? The threat would be equally menacing.

The high pitch snarl belched by the demon’s throat makes him inhale in fear: was he spotted? Or is this merely a power display from the crazed predator?

The Joker feels there’s something behind him and before he can act a sharp pain in his forearm makes him yell. Another bite in his leg makes him lose balance and he collapses to the ground, unable to defend himself from the hoard. The burning sensation is taking over completely: the creatures tear his flesh apart and he passes out without having the strength to shout for help anymore.

*************

The Clown opens his eyes and rapidly blinks since the sunlight is hard to endure.

“Ugh…” he groans and rolls on his side on the concrete pavement.

Everything hurts, including the brain: it’s as if someone drilled holes and he can’t concentrate or form thoughts.

He aims to lift his torso off the walkway unsure why it’s strenuous to accomplish such a simple task; J doesn’t register the reason why is the different anatomy he now has: scaly, gray skin, long, distorted arms with sharp claws, inverted knees and membranous toes. The wings certainly don’t add to his ability to sport the same agility he was blessed with while still a person.

He finally manages to gather himself up, surprised to experience an odd sensation: The Joker is so much taller after his mutation and everything crushes down once the hideous reflection shown in the partially broken glass belonging to “Macy’s” department store glares back at him.

“Ahhh!” J blurs out alongside an uncanny roar emerging from his transmuted vocal cords. The frantic sound gets the attention of beasts in his vicinity, then they ignore him because he’s one of them.

“Fuck…” he mumbles in disbelief at their reaction, grateful they didn’t attack.  

The Joker’s raspy breath scores big with a creature nearby though.

Apparently a female due to her red orbs, she’s approaching the former human with a certain restrain.

The Joker would love to bail: unless he can control the horror of what’s happening to him in a few moments, he might get out of there in one piece.

The curious monster is inches away and J had nothing better to do than articulate:

“… Do you… understand me?”

“Grrrrrrr…” the female sneers, unraveling her fangs.

“Y/N… is that…is that you?” The Joker tosses the question out there for the lack of a better plan.

No answer, just a low howl that makes a few males digging in rubble unhappy: why is the group’s favorite displaying interest in the newcomer?

They shriek and emerge more and more agitated, drawing the attention of others in the proximity. The displeased attitude seems to elevate the mood in a negative direction to the point of having a large flock landing on the same street too.

“Crap…” The Joker assesses his situation and it’s not good. “Shoo!” he gently gives the female a nudge and she coos as her distorted fingers touch his grotesque face. Nevertheless, her gesture unlocks the gates of hell: the female’s keen dart towards the unfortunate Clown with the sole purpose of finishing him off. Competition is not tolerated from a rookie and that’s how The Joker is perceived by the mindless crowd--a threat to the hierarchy.

A loud, eerie scream covering all others makes the murderous bunch halt in their tracks: a humongous female leading the group that arrived moments ago is making them retreat. She keeps shoving them and growling while followed by a huge specimen: definitely The Alpha Male with his yellow eyes and dominant figure that don’t allow disobedience.

The party showing The Joker affection gives up on her advances as you stand in front of your father, not necessarily excited about the encounter.

“Dad?...” you smell the air out of habit.

“… … Y… Y/N?... …” The Joker stammers at the inexplicable revelation. “You… You’re alive??!!”

“If you consider this being alive.”

“Delta, we have to go soon!” one of your fighters announces. “They might snap again!”

Your parent is baffled and you bother to enlighten him a bit:

“I’m part of a coven made of turned humans still self-aware. You’re lucky we flew by and saw you. I felt you were born but I didn’t know it was you until I sniffed you. I wished I knew so I won’t waste my time!!!!” the bitter statement brings to life past memories. “Let’s go!” you raise your voice.

“We’re not taking him with us?!” The Alpha Male inquires, baffled. “He’s self -aware!”

“Trust me, we don’t need someone like him amidst us!” you spread your wings and prepare to fly.

“Y/N… “ The Joker gulps. “Can I come?... Please?... I don’t want to die here.”

Y/N ignores his plea and angrily replies:

“Better you than me!”

How can he justify his behavior in these circumstances? It’s impossible to request forgiveness when you’re at an obvious loss regarding your daughter.

“I’m sorry I did what I did, ok… Pumpkin?”

“I am NOT your Pumpkin!! I am Delta!!!” Y/N mutters.

“Huh?” the clueless King inquires and your obvious disapproval suggests you hate where the conversation is headed.

“Delta is more valuable than any of us and we must protect her at all costs until we find Morbius,” one of your companions gives away details you don’t care your father knowing about. “She can do incredible…”

“Enough!!” you cut him off. “We’re leaving!”

“What… what things?...” The Joker attempts to distract you from the imminent departure.  

“None of your business!” you float in the air, the other 40 sets of wings following you while he is left behind with the horde that made him an outcast: brainless monsters already clustering around once more in order to punish his transgression.

“Hey!!!” The Alpha Male glides on top of The Joker. “Delta said you can come!”

“Really?” hope flourishes in his heart.

“Hurry up before they shred you to pieces!”

“I don’t know how to fly!” J shouts.

“Don’t be an idiot! Move your shoulder blades!”

Your father would normally go ballistic at such affront but he actually ignores the disrespectful sentence due to the insane events leading to today’s reunion.

What other choice does he have besides taking advantage of this unique opportunity?

The Joker clumsily bumps into a trash bin and finally ascends towards the blue skies trying to keep up with the flock.

His daughter might be a mystery now but one thing is undeniable: he would rather suffer a thousand deaths before abandoning her again.

 Also read: Masterlist

https://diyunho.tumblr.com/post/153664676321/joker-x-reader-masterlist

You can also follow me on Ao3 and wattpad under the same blog name: DiYunho

[littlebigafterdark]

patton's asthma attack and finally agreeing to try therapy

content warnings: hurt/comfort, detailed description of asthma attack, very brief mention of past eating disorder, crying (i always hav that tho)

i copy pasted this from mine and livs discord convo so thats why it might be formatted weird and i swear a lot also if you see "hhh yeah" then thats liv commenting hshshsh

patton has had a cough the past few days because BASICALY since priscilla (remys cat) visited hes been more breathless with his asthma but he didnt tell anyone bc he doesnt want to worry them or make it so vee never get to see priscilla again if she cant visit anymore

so his asthma is acting up but he ignores it - and hes had asthma cough for a couple days (which is a sign of an incoming asthma attack) but again hes ignoring it, hes so used to brushing off symptoms he doesnt click what it means and he diesn ttake his inhaler when he needs it

WAAAHH oh fuck oh my god oh god wait fuck i just realised

the moment patton gets his asthma attack its saturday afternoon, roman is little and playing with logan and vee isnt quite little yet but fae's on faer way there, fae is very giggly and playful and patton says "okay babygirl, lets go get you changed!"

and when he gets up from the couch he takes a moment to cough and just stand still a sec bc he got suddenly dizzy but he pushed through it to not worry vee, and he actually usually lifts her onto his hip straight away, but this time he very subtly is like "okay hold daddys hand while we walk to the stairs"

so they get to the stairs and patton of course lifts vee up, and theyre only a few steps up when pattons breathing gets really heavy. it makes vee frown and look at him and say "daddy am i heavy?"

and patton smiles and shakes his head, because hes too breathless to speak. but he pushes through and hurries up as fast as possible

once theyre at the top of the stairs, patton is wheezing. his chest is rattling and whistling and he suddenly loses his smile and quickly hurries away from the stairs to place vee gently on the hallway floor, and as soon as vee is safe patton wobbily sinks to his knees and leans his head against the wall. his eyes shut tight trying so so hard to breath but its realy whistly now

and vee of course panics. "dady? papa are you okay??" and whimpers when patton doesnt react and clutches at his chest

and it throws her out of her semi regression. she jumps up and hurries downstairs, a little wobbily but ultimately fine. and she speints to where logan and riman are and yells "daddys h havin a panic attack!" and instantly starts crying

logan and roman were in the middle of a game and smiling and laughing but as SOON as they hear that they jump into action. logan runs out of the room to go to patton and roman grows up and runs to vee and lifts her up to shush her cries and calm her down - they dont even share a single look before they do this, they both just instinctively know what to do

and logan of course finds patton and realises its an asthma attack not a panic attack - he goes into his emergency like emotionless mode where he just gets the job done. he asks clearly where patton keeps his inhaler and patton just shakes his head. so logan alarmed asks "you dont have a reliever inhaler??" and patton winces and shakes his head again.

logan sprints to his room into his bedside drawer to find tthe inhaler he keeps for emergencies double checking it hasnt expired

he sits with his legs around patton, patton leaned back agains his torso, and puffs pattons inhaler for him and times the attack and the puffs (knowing that if it isnt better after ten puffs and fifteen minutes they have to call an ambulance) and using his own deep breaths against pats back to help him recalibrate his breathing

luckily it only lasts 8 and a half minutes and 8 puffs - but logan is so so shaken about the fact that that was very close to requiring medical assistance, he had his ohone out ready to dial 911

once pattons attack is over he's finally breathing, short and deep at first gasping in the oxygen, but within a few more minutes of sitting against logan it slows down and is much calmer. hes very shaky because the reliever inhaler does that to you, and weak from the tax on his body, so logan helps him up into their nearest bedroom (pattons)

at first he calls roman to swap places with him and watch over patton hust so logan can change vee into a diaper since she regressed from fear as soon as roman picked her up and obv he cant change her diaper

so roman sits with patton while logan does that and roman is actually really quiet and awkward and nervous, just looking wide eyed at patton and hugging himself.

and patton feels bad abt that and whispers "its okay little prince, daddys not hurt. im sorry for scaring you, honey" and roman just chews his lip and nods and looks down and they dont talk again until logan is back and roman goes out to take care of vee and logan comes in to lie with patton and rub his chest soothingly

logan is distressed and frustrated and shaken at that point but he knows not to have their conversation until the next day bc patton will be emotionally and physically exhausted

but the next day they have a serious talk - logans pretty ANGRY that patton was so ignorant of his wellbeing that he didnt refill his inhaler, patton brushes it off but logan says its a good thing he secretly kept one for patton (bc he almost suspected this might happen)

it rly hits patton when logan tells him if he had needed anymore puffs than he took they wouldve had to phone an ambulance - like patton not wanting to worry his family by admitting his asthma was acting up backfired way more and has made them worry even more because he had a full attack that could have gone so much worse

the whole conversation is VERY stern and serious even at the start when patton smiles and chuckles and jokes and brushes it off logan just gets frustrated and upset. logan is SO angry literally he is glaring at patton when patton brushes it off and makes jokes abt it and he snaps.

logan actually very seriously tells patton this is self harm and patton goes WHAT nonono no its not i dont know why youre getting so worked up

and logan fucking SNAPS like "Youre not giving your body what it needs to survive because you dont think your worth that!! you're neglecting your basic needs to the point of needing urgent medical care, doesnt that sound familiar??? doesnt that sound like something we've both been through before???" clearly referencing his eating disorder

and pattons eyes go wide and he profusely apologises hes like im so sorry oh my gosh logan honey im sorry did i trigger you im sorry and logans just like STOP APOLOGISING this isnt about me its about you!

and he sso angry bc he thought they trusted each other but the fact that patton didnt tell him when he literally couldnt breathe is so scary to logan

but that is basically an argument bc logan was so fucking worried and devastated that patton has ignored his health to such an extent and vee gets nervous bc both her and roman can hear them yelling and she thinks the cgs will breakup bc they "had a fight"

but once theyre finished talking and vee shakily asks if theyre not gonna be a family anymore they'll of course comfort faer and talk abt it, its not a fight its a disagreement and mummys and daddys have those sometimes. theyre still a family and they still love each other very very much. they all soend their family day together as usual, though patton isnt as able to get up and play with roman understandably

also the fact this all comes around the same week patton and logan tell vee that janus wants to babysit, thats why patton has been absent from the blog recently i guess bc hes been keeping busy trying to work through his feelings of janus wanting to come in

hhh yeah... the way it lines up to patton's other insecurities abt janus coming into the family and it all just piles on too much all at once

so on monday morning logan goes with patton to get more inhalers and they actually stay out for while like they go to a forest or smth just to be alone and help patton recenter a little - he's always loved being in nature, it really brings him a lot of peace, being in nature is really the best way to keep patton grounded from his dissociation, thats why hes always gardening

and logan doesnt want to be angry at him and he knows patton needs support and comfort atm even is patton doesnt think he does so they have a calm day just being together and logan trying to remind patton that hes there for him

HHH stop bc they YEAH bc they kinda had a fight even though it did get 'resolved' but they needed to take time to reconnect their energies and like show each other (and specifically logan show patton) that their love is still secure and their friendship is still strong - just the quiet care of logan taking patton somewhere they can just be alone without responsibilities

secretly patton was rlly upset that logan got angry with him but he didnt show it but logan KNOWS him and he knows he needs to fix it with queality time (pats love lang) because pattons been alone a lot recently, its just been that he keeps busy and accidentaly distanced himself bc the others would all be busy and hanging out in some way and he fet a bit abandoned but yeah logan is dedicating the whole day to him

and patton does end up talking abt his inner turmoil a little but not until theyre like in the middle of the forest and hes a lot calmer and theres no one around, he just feels so much calmer and safer in nature to open up like that.

and this is when patton tells logan about his worries about janus becoming closer to vee, and how its lovely for them but what if it hurts vee, what if they dont get along, what if they DO get along and vee wants to move back with janus. Logan doesnt say anything to the worries, he knows patton just needs to blurt them out while he can, while it mixes with the sounds of nature.

then patton mentions quietly that dr picani phoned him a couple weeks ago and told him that he would like to offer patton a trial session of therapy - not with vee, just patton. logan very calmly asks if that sounds like sometnging that might be helpful for patton and patton just giggles nervously "um i dont know. Vee has therapy"

logan frowns. "yes she does. but that doesnt mean you cant have it too, if you would like it"

patton goes quiet and looks anxious, scratching at the moss on the log theyve sat down on. so logan takes his hand and looks very earnestly at him and says gently "i would like you to at least accept the trial session. It is your decision but... i think it might be worth a try"

patton nods a little, just looking at their intertwined fingers. and after a long silence where they can just hear the birds tweeting and the wind rustling the leaves and small animals scurrying along the grass, patton finally looks up at logan and breathes "i'll go to therapy"

and when patton says that out loud suddenly his eyes well up and he sees logan smile at him - a little sad and a lot proud - and feels his hand squeeze and the tears just dont stop coming and he hides his eyes but laughs nervously like haha dont know why im crying this is so silly! but logan doesnt say anything to it, he just pulls patton into his side and rests his head on pattons head...

and patton keeps trying to laugh and joke but its so choked and sad and nervous and wet and logan wraps his other arm around patton too and just grntly whispers "pumpkin, its okay if youre not happy right now."

and patton just starts sobbing into logans shoulder and logan holds him so tight as they sit on the log

patton cant cope with silence when its about him yknow, he couldnt handle logan not laughing or tutting at his jokes so he just kept joking until logan insisted its ok to be sad

so once they get home logan sits with pstton while he phones dr picani and books his first solo therapy session for friday morning

[temilyrights]

watching you, watching her (chapter three)

Jack Sloane x Reader

Word Count: 3476

A/N: The third and final chapter! Mixed feelings about this one >.< but i hope you enjoy and as always, feedback is welcome and appreciated :)

Read on AO3

Chapter Two

The offer comes a week or so later. You’ve been headhunted a couple of times since you started working at NCIS 5 years ago, but you’ve always turned them down without a second thought. However, when the call comes through this time you listen to the DOD agent’s whole offer and agree to think about it. The second the call ends guilt churns through your stomach as you think over what it would mean to actually leave NCIS. 

You enjoyed your job but Ellie was right that you weren’t happy there anymore. You couldn’t be, not when Jack was around you constantly. Everything felt duller and there was no excitement turning up to the office each day. Most day’s just consisted of you trying to keep yourself together every time she appeared, which was often, and it was affecting your ability to work, your instincts were slacking and even if the others were too polite to say anything they’d definitely noticed. 

On the better days, you could get through without much incident. Jack had been the same with you since the night at the bar, and despite the pain you felt every time you saw her, you could never say no to her and that was what would be your downfall. 

A fresh start didn’t sound like a bad thing. It wasn’t like you’d never see them again. You’d still be in Washington and it was common enough for the DOD to interact with NCIS so you’d probably cross paths with them on cases. You’d see them outside the office as well. Ellie had been taking weekly yoga classes with you for the past year anyway. It would just give you a break, time to heal and get over your feelings because working with Jack every day was just cutting you apart. You couldn’t do it anymore. 

You don’t realise you’re crying until it becomes difficult to breathe. Your arms wrap around your waist as tears stream down your cheeks. You grieve that night. Grieve for Jack, grieve for the team, the family you might lose. The thing was it didn’t feel wrong, It didn’t feel like you were just running away. It felt right, like it was time to move on. 

When you get the chance to tour around the DOD a couple of weeks later, being shown what could possibly be your office and bribed with the promise of having a team of your own, you know it’s time to tell Gibbs. 

----

The whole drive to Gibbs’ house your nerves are in turmoil. His door is, unsurprisingly, unlocked and with a shout of his name, that receives no response, you head to his basement. He’s working on his boat and barely spares a glance in your direction as you descend the stairs unable to control your fidgeting hands. “Hey, Gibbs.” 

He pours 2 glasses of whiskey as you slowly make your way over, placing one in your hand. “Thanks.” You take a slow sip using the delay to gather your thoughts. You’d planned a whole speech but now, standing in front of him, none of it felt good enough. 

“Got somethin’ on your mind?” 

You square your shoulders at his words, pulling together all the confidence you can muster. “The DOD has offered me a job...And I’m thinking of taking it.” You down the rest of the whiskey in one glug to avoid looking at the man in front of you, dumping the glass on the table.

“Ok.” 

Eyes narrowing you look back up to him. “Ok?” 

Gibbs shrugs. “I can’t say I’m surprised...Doesn’t mean I won’t miss ya though.” Tears instantly fill your eyes and Gibbs pulls you into a tight hug. You bury your face in the fabric of his t-shirt as tears trickle down your cheeks. “Just make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons.” 

Huffing a laugh you pull back from his hug. “What are the wrong reasons?” His steel-blue eyes stare at you. “I can’t be around her every day. I know I’ve been half the agent I usually am the last couple of months. I’ve tried so many different ways to get past my feelings but every time I start something happens that sends me spiralling back to square one again.”  You choke a laugh, voice catching in your throat. “Y-you should change rule 12 to never fall in love with your coworker.” 

Gibbs sighs, pulling you back into another tight hug. He places a kiss on the top of your head. “Just make sure you tell her.” You aren’t sure if he’s talking about you leaving or that you’re in love with her but it doesn’t matter, you just hug him closer. 

----

You accept the job offer at the DOD the following week and the next morning you hand in your resignation letter into HR. 

Tim, Nick and Ellie are laughing together in the bullpen when you arrive. A sad smile crosses your face and Ellie’s laughter falters when she sees you. She’s up from her desk in seconds. “What’s happened?” The other two’s laughter trails off as they turn to face you. Faces filled with concern, confusion and dread look at you. You were really going to miss them.

“I uh, I just handed in my two weeks notice.” Ellie’s pulling you into a tight hug before you even finish talking. You were pretty sure she’d suspected this was coming for the last few weeks. 

“Are you leaving DC?” Nick asks, hand resting on your shoulder. You shake your head, wiping away a few tears that had escaped.

“No. I’ve got a job with the DOD. My own team, you know? So I’ll still be close. Don’t worry you can’t get rid of me completely.” You try for a joke but it falls flat at Nick’s sad expression. He pulls you into a hug and then seconds later Tim is doing the same. 

“Oh come on guys, I’ll make sure to keep bugging you once I’m gone and I’m sure we’ll get to fight over jurisdiction.” Tim releases a sad chuckle. Your eyebrows furrow as you notice Ellie smiling sadly as she stared at something behind you. 

You turn around, gulping when you notice it’s Jack. Her eyes are filled with unshed tears. “You’re leaving?” The disbelief in her voice makes your heartache.

“Yeah. Two weeks.” 

“Why?” 

“The DOD offered me-” 

“No.” Jack shakes her head, tone sharp. Your eyebrows shoot up in surprise. “No. You’ve had job offers before but you’ve always turned them down. Why are you leaving?” 

“Jack-” You can’t look at her as your voice hitches, very aware of the fact that you were currently standing in the bullpen and people were watching. “I’ve been here for 5 years. I thought it was time to move on.” 

Jack huffs at that, shaking her head. “I-” Her voice cracks and you blink quickly, looking upwards to stop your tears from escaping. “You aren’t telling me the truth.” 

The accusation in her voice makes you flinch as your eyes meet hers. Even from this distance, you can see the anger swarming in her. You sigh, all energy leaving your body as exhaustion sweeps through you. “Does it matter why?” 

Jack’s mouth hangs open in disbelief. “Does it matter? Of course, it matters!”

“I’m leaving. It’s already done. Can’t you at least pretend to be happy for me?” God knows I’ve done it enough for you. Jack huffs and storms off. You release a loud groan, throwing yourself into your desk chair.

“Well, that was certainly something.” Nick quips and you glare at him prompting him to hold his hands up in mock surrender. “Just saying.” 

You sigh, dropping your head to your desk and release a long whine. 

----

She stalks around the office for the next 3 days. She barely even speaks to you and when she does it’s with a short clipped tone. It pisses you off and after she decides to take the stairs instead of sharing an elevator journey together, you’ve finally had enough.

That evening you storm up to her office, slamming the open office door behind you and relishing in the way she jumps in shock. “What the fuck is your problem?” Jack doesn’t react to the venom in your tone just stares back at you as she sits at her desk. “I tell you I’m leaving and you’ve done nothing but rage around the office since! If you’ve got a problem, be an adult, and speak to me about it!” 

“What, so you can just lie to me again?” 

“I told you. I want a change, is that so hard to understand?” You’re pacing now, walking the length of her office as you try to calm yourself down. 

Jack stands from her desk, walking around and cutting off your path. Her eyes narrow as she stares at you.  “You’ve always said you love it here. Why would you suddenly want to leave?”

“It’s not sudden. It’s just you’re only just finding out about it.”

“And when did we stop talking about stuff like this? Why didn’t you say you were unhappy here? I could’ve helped!” Jack shouts, eyes flashing with hurt and anger.

“I don’t want your help!” You roar. There’s silence as Jack steps away. She looks as if you’ve slapped her and honestly you might have well had. Rage courses through you as frustrated tears fill your eyes. 

“What the hell do you want then? Because there’s no way you want to leave. These people are your family!” 

“Don’t you think I know that? I was in tears when I told Gibbs but he understands. Everyone understands apart from you!” 

“Because they seem to know the real reason!” You weren’t doing this. You weren’t telling her. There was no way she could ever know. 

“I’ve told you the reason! Why can’t you just accept it?” You’re spluttering and Jack shakes her head, looking away as tears escape down her cheeks. All the tension drops from your shoulders. “Please Jack, please don’t make this harder than it already is.” 

She turns to you, her hand brushing away the tears rolling down your own cheeks and you squeeze your eyes tightly shut in response. She lingers a couple of seconds, before dropping her hand and stepping away as she sighs. Her touch always had the ability to ground you but at the same time set your body on fire. Today it just made your heartache. You don’t understand why she keeps doing this...does she not understand what she’s doing to you?

You don’t look at her, just make your way to the couch to put some distance between the two of you. She stays by her desk, eyes tracking you. “I don’t want to lose you,” Jack speaks barely above a whisper and your eyes snap to her.

“You won’t.”

“I feel like I already have.” You look away at that. She’s right, everything has changed the last few months. She’d been just as distant with you though so you’d assumed she’d been too preoccupied with Sarah to notice. You’d been in a constant fight with yourself with wanting her close and wanting her as far away as possible and it was tearing you apart. “Did I do something?” 

The vulnerability in Jack’s voice makes your mouth wobble. “No. I just- I can’t stay here anymore.” You were scared she’d outright ask you to stay because if she did you weren’t sure you’d have the power to say no. Your willpower was already diminishing every minute you stayed in her office. She moved to the couch, sitting close enough that your legs touched. Your hands are squeezing the fabric of your trousers and Jack reaches out and covers one with her hand. You instantly relax at the touch and she grips tighter, rubbing soothing circles on the top of your hand. You watch her closely, questions swarming in your eyes. 

“Why?” Her eyes bore into yours.

“Please don’t make me say it.” 

“Y/N...” Jack says your name so softly that tears spring to your eyes. She’s so close, her eyes fluttering over your face before focusing on your lips. You quickly pull away, ripping your hands from Jack’s grasp and moving to the other side of the room, fists squeezing tightly as you try to control your swirling emotions.

“You can’t keep doing that.” You listen as she gets off the couch and steps behind you, her hand reaching out lighting touching your back causing you to flinch away. Your eyes plead for her to understand, desperation seeping into your voice as you turn to face her. “It’s not fair. You touch and you hover and you care and then 2 seconds later mention your girlfriend.”

“Y/N, I-”

“No! Do you not get how hard I have been trying to keep myself together these past few months? And I was finally getting somewhere, I was finally making progress and then you go and almost kiss me! And you were drunk so I couldn’t be mad but it hurt so much Jack. It hurts and I still don’t know what any of it means!” Tears stream down your face, you can barely see her but you feel when her arms wrap around you. You try to pull away but she just holds you tighter, her hands running over your hair and her tears seeping into your shirt, all your fight leaves you and you relax into her arms. 

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Jack repeats over and over again as she clings onto you. “I didn’t think you felt the same way.” She sniffs. “I was so tired of pining over you. I spent so much time trying to focus on Sarah, distancing myself from you, but no matter how hard I’ve tried I’m always drawn right back. I started to realise maybe you felt the same but by then I thought it was for the best, that maybe you were better off without me.” 

You pull away, tear-filled eyes stare back at you. A sad sigh escapes your lip as you shake your head. “I could never be better off without you.” 

“Y/N, I’m messy and complicated and too angry and you deserve someone who doesn’t come with all my baggage. You deserve someone who’s better.”

“But that’s up to me to choose Jack. It’s not up to you!” Jack goes to protest but you hold your hand up, halting her. “It doesn’t matter anyway, because you chose Sarah.”

“Because I was too scared to choose you.” You look up, blinking quickly as you take a deep breath to try and control the onset of tears threatening to break free. “We broke up. A couple of weeks ago.” Your eyes snap to Jack, your mouth hanging open in shock. “After our almost kiss I couldn’t get you out of my head and Sarah had finally had enough. She broke up with me and I didn’t tell anyone because I was embarrassed and ashamed and-”

“She’s gone? For good?” Jack nods. “A-and you want me? You’d choose me?” 

“Yes, but Y/N-” You don’t let her finish, grabbing her left hand and pulling her towards you as your other hand cups her cheek and brings her lips to yours. Jack gasps but you swallow the noise. Her fingers dig into your waist as she pulls you flush against her body. The kiss deepens, your tongues fighting for dominance as your tears mix together and your hands find their way to Jack’s hair, you grip it and she releases a deep moan that sets your whole body on fire and sends heat straight between your legs. 

You only pull away once the need to breathe becomes too strong. Foreheads resting together as you both gasp for air. “But what?” 

“Huh?” Jack’s dazed expression brings a smirk to your lips. “I-I don’t remember.” Her eyes fall back to your mouth, her tongue darting out to wet her own lips in the process. You reach out, tucking a strand of her behind her ear. The next kiss is softer and slower as you take the time to explore each other’s mouths. You nip at her lip enjoying the breathy noises you can bring out of her. Jack pushes you backwards by your hips until your bottom hits her desk, you don’t hesitate to spread your legs so she can stand between them. Your hands move to her waist as hers hang around your neck as the kiss deepens. A deep moan that rips from your throat as she pushes her thigh between your legs and her tongue sweeps against yours.

“Jack” You breathe, pulling your mouth from hers.

“Mm?” She hums, her mouth goes in search of yours again but you pull back with a laugh.

“We should stop.” Your eyes flick to the office door and Jack sighs, her bottom lip jutting out in protest. “Anyone could walk in and as much I’m enjoying having you between my legs,” Jack grins and you lean in to whisper in her ear. “I want to take my time exploring every inch of your body and I can’t do that here.” Jack groans, swallowing roughly, her eyes almost black with desire. 

“Right.” She coughs, stepping back slightly but still within your grasp. Your hands sit loosely at her waist. 

“So, what happens now?”

“Well…I’d like to see where this goes, I assume you do too,” You roll your eyes playfully, nodding. “Then we do that. You can start by letting me take you out on a date.” 

You grin. “I think I can manage that.” 

“Good.” Jack smiles softly. You see the hesitation wash over her face and you frown. “And...the job?” 

You swallow roughly. “All the paperwork has already gone through. I’ve signed the contract with the DOD.” 

“I can get Leon to pull some strings, you wouldn’t have to leave.” You bite your lip. Jack’s face drops and she steps back out of your grasp. “Unless you want to?” 

“I don’t know. I need to think about it.” Jack nods but the disappointment and confusion are clear on her face. “The original reason for me leaving was, uh...”

“Because of me.”

You nod slightly. “I’ve been distracted, my instincts slacking because I couldn’t stop thinking about you.” You release a self-deprecating laugh at that.

“I’m sorry-”

“Don’t apologise, it’s not your fault I fell hopelessly in love with you.” Jack gasps, her eyes watering. You clear your throat awkwardly, ducking your head as your words catch up with you. “I shouldn’t have said-”

“I-I love you too.” Your own eyes shine with tears. Jack reaches forward, her hand brushing your cheek as she presses a soft kiss against your lips. You smile softly at one another. “Sorry, uh, you were saying?” Jack doesn’t pull away as far this time.

“Right...It really is a great opportunity and I think I want to at least see where it could go.”

Jack nods. “The DOD is great and your own team, I understand the appeal.” 

“But you don’t want me to go?”

“Of course not.” Jack smiles softly at you. “But you should, your face lit up when you spoke about it and anyway NCIS will always be here if you want to come back.” 

“They’ll replace me-” 

“I can have you back with one phone call to Leon,” Jack smirks and you break out into laughter, you pull her in close and place a kiss on her lips despite both of your wide smiles. 

“So you’re okay with it?” 

“I mean...I don’t love it but I love you,” Your heart flutters in your chest, it feels weird to hear her say those words again. “and I want to see you happy, so yes, I’m more than okay with it.” All your tension seeps away, your eyes watering as you smile.

“Thank you.” You breathe. As much as you’d like to pretend it didn’t, Jack’s opinion meant a lot to you and you don’t know what you’d have done if she hadn’t agreed with it. You huff a breath. “Today’s been quite a day huh?” 

Jack laughs. “I wouldn’t change it, not when I now have you in my arms.” She rolls her eyes at herself. “God, that was cheesy.” 

You smirk. “I like cheesy.”

“Well don’t get used to it.”

“I wouldn’t dare.” At Jack’s smile, you can’t help yourself, you pull her in for another kiss. Making sure to draw it out, kissing her softly and slowly before pulling away with a nip to her bottom lip. “Could get used to that though.” 

Jack hums. “Now who sounds cheesy.” She doesn’t give you time to respond, instead, pulling you back in for another kiss. 

Mmm. You could definitely get used to this. 

[mrneighbourlove]

Evil’s Bane: Ch 12. End to One Evil...

'To the family and friends of Leere,

I am writing this letter to inform you of her recent battle in the country of Malus. While she was warned several times not to go, the princess sought to help free the innocents trapped there from their torment. Doing so, Leere has lost her magic and is trapped between the world of the living and the dead. She will remain in this state until her spirit is free of her inner turmoil. We have tried what we can to help her, but now, Leere's fate lies in the hands of the deities. We know not when she will wake or if she ever will. All we can do now, is pray for her soul. We will watch over her until Bonegrinder is healed enough to bring her home. I suggest you prepare a safekeeping for her.

I will mourn her with you.

Kasdeya, the Mother of the Monsters'

~

Leere, the woman who poured her heart and soul into vanquishing evil that tormented the innocent, was deep into her coma. Her breath barely moved her chest as she slept deep next to Bonegrinder. In fact, it looked like she wasn’t breathing at all.

"Modoc... it has been nearly two months." Mother knew the host of Prama was grieving. He felt responsible, like he did not do enough to stop the princess from going to Malus. The guilt and sorrow was impacting his ability to heal. "You will have to take Leere back at some point."

"... he saw this as a potential future for tiny princess..."

"I know, Modoc, but even you cannot stop fate's grand design."

"What grand design? Why does she deserve to suffer?!" Bonegrinder slammed a fist on the ground, growling. "All those years ago, Prama told me if this snake devoured her, that there would be less troubles... but he could not do that to a child! A child is innocent! She was innocent and yet refused to believe it!"

Leere once more laid motionless, a sleeping beauty to some. Perhaps a living corpse in the eyes of others.

"Leere will be returned to her family home." Mother informed Bonegrinder. "Her family is in the process of securing her old room from when she was a child. Enchantments will ensure her safety and only a select few will be allowed to visit her."

"... when will they take her?"

"Today." Mother had placed Leere's body inside a crystalline case. The stone was radiating magic and levitating off the ground. This made transportation easier. "I will give you some time to say your goodbyes. Once you are healed, I suggest you go talk to Joy and Sunny. They will need to hear it directly from you why Leere went on this hopeless quest."

"... he will do as you say."

As Mother left to give him privacy with Leere, Bonegrinder looked down at her sleeping body. She did appear dead, but in reality, the princess was trapped in her slumber. The Anagari felt a mixture of emotions. He was angry, upset, and truly bitter. He wondered if she could hear him... or if his words would even reach her.

"... why... did you not listen to this snake?" Bonegrinder's voice was low at first. "He warned you, tiny princess, he warned you against this mission. He foresaw what was a possibility... which is now a reality." In a fit of anger, Bonegrinder slammed his fist into a wall. "Why are you so foolish?! So unbelievably stupid?! Putting yourself in danger for the greater good will do no one any good if you're not here to help Luimaya! Why didn't you give him a chance to save you?! Why wouldn't you let him save you?! Do you think you're worthless?! Expendable?!" The Anagari was shouting now. "Or is it that you just revel in torturing him?! Did you not know that he was supposed to fucking eat you?! All those years ago in the catacombs, he had the chance to rid the world of a piece of that Tzitzimine once and for all, but he couldn't do it! Bonegrinder could not do it! Modoc refused to do it! Prama warned him of what would come if he didn't, but you. Are. Innocent!!! Why didn't you believe him?!" Breathing heavily, the Anagari then had fresh tears rolling from his eyes. "Why couldn't he save just one? One poor, victim of this Chaos... one of his family. Is he destined to lose more? You should be the one striving to live, Leere... he should be the one to die. He has lived countless lifetimes over because of Prama..." He took a shaky breath, and then asked, brokenhearted, "You never listened to him... why couldn't you just listen? Joy and Sunny, everyone... they miss you..."

The silence was deafening. A part of him must have known that, without Leere, Destroyer wouldn’t have been revealed to the world so early, and Tyrannin, the Demon of Teufel linked to her destiny, could not have been defeated.

"... he doesn't know if or when you will wake. He sincerely hopes you do for your family's sake.. He will keep true to Mother's request and see your wife and daughter, but..." Bonegrinder then added with a hint of bitterness. "But do not come asking him for help once you discover you have no magic left to spend. He tried to help you, warn you, pull you away from the situation so it would never come to be... and you did not listen. Why would you listen when you wake?"

It was then Blue and White arrived to take Leere to Hyrule. The sisters looked so sad and worried. "Bonegrinder? Will you be all right?" White asked him.

"Those wounds are horrendous. Do you need some of our energy?" Blue inquired with a frown.

"He will heal, his beautiful girls, but he will require more time." Bonegrinder then instructed.

"Take Leere straight to her secured area. Do not stop for anyone or anything."

"We won't, Bonegrinder."

With a final look, he watched as they took the glass coffin out with them. ~ Back at the castle, Sunny was shaking. She knew that Leere would be arriving today. She knew that she was in a... coma of some kind. She even did her best to explain the situation to her daughter. But she was still terrified to see the state of her wife in person. With Leere’s siblings, she was on the edge of a breakdown. “Is there a draft in here? It’s too cold... we can’t have Leere be cold when she arrives.”

Sunny looked incredibly worn down. The last couple months took a mental wear on her.

"That's my fault, I'm sorry." Zarazu apologized to Sunny. "I... the area gets cold when I'm upset or angry. It will disappear once I leave."

"You know after we see her, Leere will have to stay in this room for her own safety." Covarog was trying to be strong for his family and Leere's daughter and wife. "You may visit her anytime you like, though to protect her, she will have to stay here."

“Thank you, your majesties.” Sunny squeezed her hat close in her hands. “Is this lifestyle common with your family? I hear so many stories of you all taking bold, but dangerous journeys.”

"We have taken many perilous trips, true, but... we never willingly want to place ourselves in danger." Orana held tight to Corsaire. "We knew our capabilities."

"And at least we knew our chances beforehand." Ralnor was very solemn with Cass at his side. "Leere was by far the most reckless... but also the one who tried to keep us together when we were butting heads."

"She could drink us under the table." Tebanam chuckled lightly. "And always gave us a hard time about being giants when she was small."

"She loved her music too." Kanisa remarked. "And dancing."

Sunny was glad Joy was with Luimaya and the other kids, because she started to break down. Slowly, tears came down her face. “When those things were a rising from the dead, I was so scared. But... I heard her voice when they all came to an end ya? That was her wasn’t it. She saved us, didn’t she?”

"... I don't know." Covarog admitted. "Maybe it was her. Maybe it was a spirit. Either way, we knew she was fighting whatever demons lurked within her or around her."

"... I never knew that's why she wished to go to Malus or I would have tried to stop her." Ralnor admitted. "She's always too keen to solve problems on her own."

"We all would have tried to stop her."

“She said she had to stop something bad from wanting to hurt us all. I hope she succeeded, but...” Sunny wiped her tears, sniffling badly and in need of a tissue. “I just want to hold her again.”

"She's here..." Blue and White carefully eased Leere's container through the portal.

Seeing Leere in the glass, Sunny freaked. “Leere!? LEERE!?!” Throwing herself at the glass, she was indeed overly shocked to see her like this. “Why is she like this?! Let her out!”

"It's to protect her." Blue explained to Sunny gently. She knew that the woman was still a touch nervous around her sister, White, due to the bad experiences with spiders. "We can't let her out. It will only open when... she wakes up."

“No! You can’t do that! How can I hold her hand like this? How can I even think of showing Joy her mother being in this state? She looks like a corpse stuck in here!”

"We had to make sure she'd be protected and this was the only way that we could think of." White tried her best to assure Sunny. "No one will be able to hurt her. It's enchanted stone all the way from Omisha. Mother had it constructed just for Leere."

"I'm sorry, Sunny, but I'm sure that Joy will understand." Blue wanted to make Sunny feel better as well, but was not sure how to do it. So she took a gentle approach. "There are still forces out there that will look for her. This way, Leere won't be hurt."

“No.... no gods why. Why did it have to be like this?” Little energy on her, Sunny leaned on Leere’s casket and cried her heart out, muffling the sound by burying her face.

~

Bonegrinder had to stay in Omisha for another three months before he was fully healed. It was almost half a year now since he had seen Hyrule. There were new scars and an endless sense of guilt etched into the Anagari. Once Mother gave permission for him to leave, he decided the first stop was going to be to Sunny and Joy. He knew not of how they would receive him. Yet, Bonegrinder was simply going to offer his apology... then leave.

Sunny was trying to keep busy with her job at the ranch. It helped, in a way. Leere still hadn’t waken up.

It was best to visit when night cloaked the sky. Bonegrinder waited close until dinner time. His usual approach was to just slither under the house and come up through the floor. Leere hated it when he did that, and he did so on purpose to annoy her. But... now it was just Sunny and Joy. Sighing heavily, the Anagari decided to get this part over with as quickly as he could. Leere's family deserved answers to the questions they had. Gently, he knocked on the door.

Joy, ran to the door, excited by someone coming at this time of night. “Mom!?” Her excitement died the moment she saw Bonegrinder. “Oh...”

"... he... this snake knows you and sunshine are... he knows you might not want to see him but..." Bonegrinder groaned, sliding a hand down his face. "This was much easier in his head." He took a small breath. "If you will allow him... he has come to apologize and answer your questions..."

“Momma! The Snakeman is here!”

Sunny heard her daughter shout for her. Bonegrinder? At this time of night? Sighing, she put down her local paper and went to the door. “Mister Bonegrinder. What brings you here?”

"To apologize to you and your daughter... and to answer to the best of his ability any questions you pose to him." Bonegrinder had to bend down to greet Sunny, his horns almost scraping the top of the porch.

“For what?” Sunny seemed genuinely surprised.

"He was... there with Leere when..." Bonegrinder paused, closing his eyes and trying to keep his voice steady. "When she... was left to the state she is in now."

Sunny nodded, crossing her arms. “Was she right about the danger? And wanting to save lives?”

"Yes, she was right about the danger. Yes, he warned her. No, she did not listen." Bonegrinder felt a flicker of anger at Leere not heeding his words again, but pushed it aside to focus on Joy and Sunny. "And... as far as lives saved... after that blast, this snake would be surprised if anyone was left..."

“Did she try to save people?”

"She did. She was... unsuccessful."

“Did you?”

"... no." Bonegrinder had no reason to lie. "He tried to save Leere and saved one of his children... that is all."

“You didn’t even try to help those people? That’s what Leere wanted, that’s what she fought for.”

"A long time ago, he did help them and it cost him dearly." Bonegrinder told Sunny, still having disdain for the Mortuus who hurt his homeland all that time ago. "Leere did not tell him that she wished to stay there to help people. She merely requested we travel there to see if we could find them. Honestly, he was surprised that there were some there that were sane after the horrors experienced in that land. Even so... friend or foe is not a question in Malus. There, one must be cautious of everyone. You can never tell who is two-faced, who is friend, and who is foe."

“I reckon she asked you to save any of those sane people. It’s in her nature. Wanting to help people like that. I also reckon that you choose not to.”

"Leere wanted Bonegrinder to create a portal to take the Mortuus into his homeland like he did long ago. He refused. He will not, shall not, nor ever again expose his people to death." Bonegrinder was tired of hearing this. He would not be held accountable for another mass slaughter like all those centuries ago. "It would have been useless anyway as he tried to tell her. Mother would have sent them right back. Or worse, she would have had her children devour them before any black magic could have been used against us."

“Then you could have sent them here! I can’t believe you didn’t consider that option in your noggin.”

Bonegrinder gave her a hard look. "Do you think that he would take a chance on endangering you or the little one?"

“We’re a country of diversity. It’s what Leere nearly died to protect. I thought you’d honour that.”

"A country of living people who know not of the horrors of Malus." Bonegrinder corrected her. "And not of this one's kind existence either. He will not apologize for this action. The risks outweighed any other reason you can produce." He then said, "Leere made a deal behind Bonegrinder's back and tricked him into taking her there. Do you not understand the guilt he feels for her state? Many times, he tried to force her, for her own safety, to leave and she ran from him. He tried so hard to protect her... yet, she insisted on fighting for a land that has long since been lost."

“Well, I think she’s a hero for what she tried to do.” Sunny gave him a sad look. “I think she’d have appreciated a friend who believed in the world as much as she did.”

"Leere has seen little of the world, sunshine. Bonegrinder has seen too much to have faith in it entirely." The Anagari told the ranch woman with a frown. "The Lorleidian queen once said that she did not understand why humans hated each other, or monsters, or anything different from themselves. That her old home was a paradise devoid of such ways, because they treasured each other. He wonders, sunshine... he wonders if perhaps one day the world will return to focusing on love instead of power."

“Then maybe you should have helped Leere in her part.” Sunny sighed looking to Joy. “I’m going to see Leere tomorrow. I need to go to bed to get some shut eye. You should too.”

Bonegrinder's tail flicked in anger at that statement. Was the sunshine blaming him for Leere's state? He tried so hard to save her. It was not like he laid on the dirt and did nothing!

"This snake did try to help her and look where that foolishness got her." He stated bitterly. "He warned her not to go. Even you have the common sense of knowing the difference between danger and compassionate pursuit."

“Well, that’s how our Leere is, ain’t she. I’m choosing the look at the good that comes out of this. The heartbreak aside...” Sunny sighed, reigning in her emotions. “Heartbreak aside, I want to believe that her sacrifice means something Mr. Bonegrinder. I’m looking forward to seeing her awake.”

"... you do know there is a chance that when she does wake..." Bonegrinder did not want to rain on Sunny's parade, but he had to be honest with Leere's wife. He took a small breath and stated. "It could be years from now. It could be tomorrow. We are not sure. Though when she does wake, she will be without magic."

“I’ll be here when she does. And... who needs magic anyways, eh?”

"Just be prepared. The Leere you knew before may very well be different. The loss of magic affects each creature of this world differently."

Sunny didn’t need to bear that thought. “Good night, Mr. Bonegrinder. May you rest well.”

~

Dhakk had already made up his mind that his brother was going to have a very slow death as he finally emerged from the rubble. He would rip Prama's soul into pieces before devouring them, wiping him from existence. The Destroyer god had been surprised that his brother allowed his host to use his personal celestial magic. Did he not consider the consequences of letting that snake use such power? The Anagari could have been ripped to shreds. Though, Destroyer was sure that he noticed some rips in the Anagari's body. Soon enough, that mortal flesh would not be able to heal and Prama would be left without a host. Already, his brother was pushing the limits.

The Tower of Death, the surrounding village, and territory was reduced to blood and brick in complete rubble. Having collapsed right on top of Dhakk, it took time for him to dig his way out. When he finally reached the surface, he could even have the joy of sunlight, as a figure stood over him, their shadow cast on them.

With an ancient mask on their face, a long purple braid down their back, with kings’ cloths, Teufel looked down at Dhakk with his devilish eyes that burned into souls. “Rise Dhakk.”

"I do apologize about your tower. I had no clue that my brother was able to tap into his power. It's risky for him to do so." Dhakk managed to stand, brushing dirt and dust from his Drakkan body. "All those eons ago, I dealt him such a blow... to think he's not at full capability after all this time definitely gives me satisfaction." He then had a very wicked grin on his face. "Though when he did his power, he was not focused. I was able to peer into his mind."

“Good... And where’s my missing piece? Did your brother kill the girl before she could release it?”

"No, it was released... though Leere managed to subdue the demon which escaped from her." Dhakk frowned. "She seems to have died from it."

“Subdue? If she simply subdued it then...” Teufel looked around, taking in the air. “She killed it... impossible.” With a demanding finger, Teufel causally pointed it at Destroyer. “You were supposed to make sure it reached maturity. I can feel that it almost succeeded...”

"I tortured the woman, and had to contain my brother at the same time. While I am a god of destruction, even I can only do so much, trapped in this body." Dhakk dryly gestured to the Drakkan's flesh. "The Wraith was able to surprise me when I was close to decapitating my brother's host. Though, do you wish to hear the good part of this loss or not?"

“You may.”

"When I peered into my brother's mind, I finally found the host of Kaksa... if such a prophecy be true."

A fire in Teufel’s eyes flickered. “The world has been plunged into fear, and with the Shadow Sage destroyed they have lost an unreplaceable piece of hope for survival. We can use this to our advantage going forward. Now. Who is she?”

"The daughter of the demon pig's spawn and the elemental witch... I believed from Prama's memories of seeing her from inside the castle's wall, her name is... Luimaya."

________________________________________________________________

Go back and read the first letter to every chapter. ;)

Previous Ch. https://mrneighbourlove.tumblr.com/post/626632248299536384/evils-bane-ch-11-rage-against-the-dying-of-the

[domitxnate]

Let Her Go | Rynate | 09/20

Who: Nate Lynn, Rysan Fabray @ryansfabray

When: September 20

Notes: Heartbreak. Just, pure adulterated heartbreak on all sides.

Ryan

Ryan didn’t need the week. After her conversation with Jo and Noah, Ryan knew exactly where her mind was at. When she pushed her way into the apartment, her stomach flipped and her heart starting beating a mile a minute. She still couldn’t comprehend how much and how fast things have changed within a week. Perhaps she wasn’t as okay as she pretended to be and it was crazy how well she fooled everyone around her, including herself. She found Nate standing in the kitchen, staring into the fridge and she watched for a second before making herself known. She could see the stress she put him under and she hated herself for it. “Sir?” She asked as she leaned against the door frame leading into the kitchen.

Nate

He was still a mess, but when he looked up at the sound of the door, he did what he could to hide it. He shut the fridge and turned towards her. "Yes, Ryan?" he asked, the title off her lips like another dagger in his heart. He literally had no idea what was coming, but his body seemed to lean against the counter in an effort to prepare for the worst.

Ryan

Ryan snapped back. Who knew hearing her own name would hurt so much. It made her want to change her mind about everything. To put her collar back on and fall at his feet. But she knew that would only prolong the inevitable. Her hands were shaking and her heart racing. This was the lowest she’d felt in a long time. She hated that she was proving everyone right about her claim to Nate. She hated that she was the one who was causing all of this drama and turmoil. So before she lost her nerve, she took a deep breath and said the words she’d been dreading all day. “I‘m leaving.”

Nate

He had no idea how long he was holding his breath for, but hearing those words hit him like a cannon ball right in the gut. "You're...leaving," he repeated, mostly to keep himself grounded to the moment. He scoffed a few times, trying to keep himself as calm as possible. The fact was - he wasn't making her happy. And he wanted her happy. He was just going to let her walk away, but instead told her to wait and went into his room to grab her collar that he put back in it's box. He returned, setting it next to her. "It's yours. Sell it, throw it away, whatever ya want," he said with another sigh. "Look, I ain't gonna beg ya to stay," he began, "if ya ain't happy, ya ain't happy. And that's all I've ever wanted for ya, Ryan. Since we were 15. But...I need to know what I did. I need to know, what I did that made ya so unhappy."

Ryan

Ryan wasn’t sure what what Nate’s reaction was going to be, so she braced for the worst. When he merely mimicked her words she nodded to confirm. There was a moment where she thought that was it but when he came back with her collar, that’s what really crippled her. She looked at it but didn’t take it just yet. There was still so much for them to talk about. “You didn’t do anything,” she replied plainly. “I wanted submitting to be enough, I thought it was enough. I thought you were enough.” Those words sounded harsher than she intended so she followed them with an explanation. “You weren’t enough for me but that isn’t your fault. I’m just not fulfilled in my life currently. I don’t think I’ll be able to submit to anyone again, that was only for you. But I think I might be happier as a Domme.” She scoffed and laughed sarcastically. “I guess Russell was right about me after all.”

Nate

"So why now?" he asked, shaking his head, "It's been almost a year. And this really feels like 'all of a sudden.' I mean, is there someone else?" he asked, knowing that was blunt but also felt it was a fair question. When she said he wasn't enough - even with her caveat - it still made his eyes start to water. He wanted to point out she'd submitted to Mike on at least a couple occasions, but that wasn't worth the argument it would bring up. "First of all," he said as she finished, "He has never been right. And regardless of what's happenin' right now with y'all and me, that doesn't make him right. I just hope this all isn't comin' out cos he's gonna be here tomorrow."

Ryan

Ryan couldn’t help but roll her eyes at his question, as if any one person could be responsible for this, but she sighed and offered her explanation. “Because if I was able to pull that stunt I did last week. Disregarding all of the rules and intentionally disrespecting you, that means I don’t really respect you as my Dominant. Which means that this claim shouldn’t continue.” She bit at her bottom lip, eyes watering. “This has nothing to do with Russell. If anything, staying in a claim protects me from him. Which is why I’m going to ask you to let me be selfish for a little while longer.”

Nate

He knew that much was true - she didn't respect him. "Nah I guess not," he said simply, wiping his eyes. "But ya know what, since this is the end, there are some things I gotta say. Y'all humiliated me, Ryan. It was utterly humiliatin' to not know where ya were or who ya were with. Or to let someone take your phone and be a complete disrespectful ass. Y'all were collared and he just acted like I was the one bein' ridiculous. And since we're on that subject - I was always afraid of this. I told ya that I was, that I was afraid this isn't reallywhat y'all wanted and ya made me feel like I was being paranoid and like I didn't trust ya. Can't ya understand how that makes me feel right now? Given all ya know bout me?" he said, sighing again. "What do ya mean? Selfish how?"

Ryan

This was tearing Ryan up inside but she needed to keep herself together. There was no argument she could have given him to convince him of anything other than what he was feeling. “You’re right. Perhaps you just saw that clearer than I did because I really was sure that y’all were wrong about that.” She paused and dropped her head for a moment. “I’m sorry y’all were humiliated and that he disrespected you. But I can’t say I’m sorry for what I did. Cause then I wouldn’t have had this realization.” Her lip quivered and she avoided his eyes. “I’m sorry.” Ryan was starting to lose it, so she pinched the inside of her palm to keep herself grounded. She almost didn’t want to ask for her favor but knew if she didn’t there’d be hell to pay. “Selfish by asking you to hold off on announcing this until after parents week. By pretending that everything is fine until Russell leaves.”

Nate

At least she saw his side. But god, could she be anymore profession about this? Yeah, he knew Ryan well enough to know she was just trying to keep it together, but is still felt like she was just trying to get it over with. When she quit looking at him, he held in his own breath at the intensity of it all. He groaned at her request - was she seriously trying to kill him? "Look, we can wait to tell the heads and dissolve it - that's fine. Does that mean ya gonna stay here?" he asked, actually half hopin' she would say no. He wasn't sure he could live that kinda a lie, especially in front of his family while they were here.

RyanY

Ryan was startled when he groaned, the sudden movement causing her to blink and tears to fall. She wiped them away as quickly as she could. The fucked up part was that she knew he would agree to whatever she asked of him because that’s just who he was. “I know it would be easier for both of us if I didn’t, but we can’t act like anything is amiss. He’s got eyes everywhere.” She sighed and finally met his eyes. “I’ll stay in my room with the door closed when I’m here. And pack up my things while I’m here.” Ryan steppes forward ever so slightly, wanting to embrace him in some kind of way but thought against it. “I really am sorry that I hurt y’all,” she finally mustered through a broken sob.

Nate

Another sigh and his hand running over his face while he knew she was right. “Fine,” he agreed reluctantly, “but this week changes nothin. I can’t have ya toyin with me, Ryan. I can’t have ya standin here tellin me ya don’t want me anymore, then cos y’all are here for a week and around me and it’s easier that ya change ya mind. If this is what ya want - if ya want out, then ya take it now,” he said being as clear as he could. This week was gonna be hard enough without his emotions being toyed with. He soften a little at the sob from the girl who he’d cared for for so long. “I know ya are,” he said, “I promise, I know.”September 22, 2020

Ryan

"Thank you." There was no reason for Nate to be so generous with her, but she wasn't going to question it. It just meant that it kept her safe from Russell for at least another week. She knew as soon as he found out it would be hunting season again. "I know that I messed up, but I've never been wishy-washy," she snapped back. "I promise this is the decision I'm sticking with." She sighed, her features softening again. "I think I'm going to go back and stay with Jo tonight though, and I'll be back in the morning." She paused and looked back at him. "I'm sorry."

Nate

Nate's wet eyes grew slanted as he heard the girl's voice get harsh. "Y'all ain't really in the position to be barkin' at me, Ryan. You've put me in a crappy position so I'm allowed to have questions and concerns about what's happenin'," he pointed out bluntly. He wanted to mention she also promised to stay with him, but felt like getting into a blow out fight was not going to help the situation. "Alright, if ya say so," he said, basically giving up. He hated this feeling. Part of him felt like he should fight for her, but it was clear by her words and actions that she wasn't willing to fight as well. Which meant this wasn't going to go anywhere if both sides weren't ready to fight. "I know ya are," he said again, "But your sorrys don't mean a whole lot right now."

Ryan

There really wasn't much else to say. She couldn't fault Nate for being mad. It was just unfortunate that her apologies weren't being taken seriously, because she would never apologize to him again. "Yeah, alright." Then without another word, she turned on her heel and walked out of the apartment. She managed to keep it together long enough to get back to Jo's place, where she fell apart in her sister's arms.

[myfairgunslinger]

Title: Red Dead Revenge: Kiss of Death  [Part 7 ]

Pairing: Arthur Morgan x OC x John Marston

Warnings: Cursing, Violence, Animal Death (predators)

Summary:  Abigail knows the truth of John and Maeve’s relationship.  All hell breaks loose. Arthur goes out on a job.

A/N: Hey guys! I’m back with another entry in Maeve’s journey.  Let me know what you guys think on what you think so far!  Hope you enjoy!  Italics means  flashbacks/dreams.

Chapter 7: Hunted or Hunter?

Abigail glanced between the two men, thinking them strange, "Uh John, what's he talkin' about?"

John had his hands on his hips glaring back at John, "Nothing, Abigail.  Can we talk alone for a minute?"

"You'll need more time than that," Arthur called out. "Do you know when to shut up?" John snapped at him before turning to Abigail to lead her to his tent.

When they got in John took off his hat, placing it on the small table.  Abigail just watched John silently for a moment then finally after waiting too long asked, "What did you do?"

"I left for that year," he started, "Did you ever wonder where I went off too?" Abigail had crossed her arms over her chest, "Feelin' sorry for yourself at the bottom of a bottle."

He winced his eyes at that response and sharply, Abigail replied with a, "Am I wrong?"

"I was in Blackwater for a good part of it," John said staring at her, "And I met someone."

"A girl," Abigail said, uncharacteristically calm.  He nodded, "She was--is a good person.  Came from decent folk, never caused anyone grief and completely innocent in our affair."

"Really now?" Her voice was in a mocking tone, "So you two fucked."

"Abigail--"

"Did you or did you two not fuck?  An easy question, John."

John didn't want to answer that, not because he wanted to lie but it just sounded harsh, "No, we didn't fuck Abigail.  That's something you did for a livin'," she made an offended scoff.  "What me and her had it was...intense, intimate. I never had anything like it before."

"Oh brother," Abigail then stepped closer to her husband, "Did you tell her that you are married?  That you have a child?"

John put his head down, gently shaking it, "No."

"Of course not because what you had was fake, John!  It was just a cheap lie that you got to pump your frustrations out on until you decided to come crawlin' back here to your real family."

John tilted his head up with an angered expression, "Don't ever say that again.  She loved me, cared for me.  More than your heartless self ever could!"

"That's cause she's probably dumb like you!  Your head is about as full as a bucket with a hole at the bottom!" Abigail spat, "And if you were any smarter you wouldn't have left me in the first place!"

John pointed his finger at her, "If I was smarter I would have stayed in Blackwater with Maeve!" Abigail's mouth dropped at the name, "Her?!  You were with her?"

His jaw clenched shut as Abigail glared at him, "You're a pathetic man.  Did you plan on bringin' her here?"

"No."

"Don't lie to me!"

"I'm not lying!  I was just as surprised when Arthur brought her here," John huffed, "I didn't think I would ever see her again."

Abigail rolled her eyes, "And now that she is you two plan on runnin' away.  Tearin' apart poor Jack's family."

"Were we ever much of one?" John's eyes hardened, "Is he even mine Abigail?" Her hand reached back to slap him across the face, "How dare you!"

John's head turned from the loud smack.  He really riled her up with that, "How dare I?  How dare you, for confusin' that boy in the first place." He then started to leave his own tent as Abigail called out, "Go a head and leave!  You do that so well!"

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"Shit," Maeve said when Abigail was in front of her.  John saw them from where he was sitting and got up.

"Shit is right!" she huffed, "I'm aware that Numbskull over there forgot to mention that he already had a wife and child.  And I know it's a hard time for you right now, being a newly orphan and all," Abigail said so mean that Maeve was taken back by that.  Hell, some of the other members of the camp heard it.

"Abigail! Leave her alone!" John shouted, but the angered woman continued, "So I'm only givin' you this one warning. Stay away from him.  He's not yours."

Maeve tilted her head to the side and perched her lips for a moment, "Or else what?"

"Excuse me?" Abigail was surprised she was being challenged.

Maeve shrugged, brushing off her threats, "What are you gonna do?  I honestly wanna know what's gonna happen if I get a sudden urge in the middle of the night," she leaned in to say, "to go in your husband's tent and fu--."

Abigail, without missing a beat, punched Maeve in the face, right under her right eye.  Maeve had stumbled back holding the spot while hearing Mary-Beth gasp in the distance, "You'll join your parents if you do such a thing!"

That did it.  That set off a fuse that only lead a fiery trail to the bomb with in the accused.  All that pain from witnessing the deaths of Everett and Cecilia, all that anger from John treating her like a shameful secret, all that turmoil Maeve has been through had all been shoved off the edge when Abigail mentioned Maeve's mother and father no longer being here.

Maeve let out a scream and charged right at her, tackling the woman to the ground.  The girl on top was shoving the bottom one's face into the desert dirt while yanking the dark strands of hair out of her messy bun.  Maeve managed to pull Abigail's head up for a moment before pushing it right back down on the hard, grainy terrain, "Talk about my parents again, bitch," she slammed her head once more, "and I'll rip your jaw open so you can never speak again!" Maeve hissed with a deadly look in her eyes.

Everything was moving so fast that before they knew it, Arthur had pulled Maeve off Abigail with ease, "That's enough!"  John went to help up Abigail who still had a lot of fight in her when she was trying to shove John away, "Abigail that's enough! You're bleeding!" he could see it on the back of her head and on the dirt below them.

"Let me take care of your lil' orphan whore!" his wife snarled when John got a good hold on her.

Maeve was trying to break out of Arthur's grasp, "Try it!  I'll make Jack motherless!"

"Ladies!  Ladies!" Dutch had his hands up trying to make the peace, "John, get your women under control."

"Oh Dutch, now is now the time!" Hosea said from behind, "Arthur, bring Miss Milley to my tent.  John...work on your marriage."

John was enraged that he had to stay with Abigail so she wouldn't do something stupid, like going after Maeve.  Mrs. Grimshaw went to help treat Abigail's wound since hers was worse.  Her head wouldn't stop gushing out that red horror.  Arthur practically carried Maeve over there, "Let go of me!"

"Not until I know you won't go up and kill Abigail," he said as they got in the tent. "I'm not gonna kill her!  I just wanna get the hell outta here!" She said once he set her down.  Maeve went to lean on the table, putting all her weight in her hands, "And go where?"

Maeve sucked on her teeth, "Anywhere but here!" she turned her head back, "I don't belong, Arthur.  It was a mistake that you saved my life! All of it was one big mistake!" her eyes welled up.

Arthur shook his head, "No, it wasn't.  You don't mean that."

"I don't?" Maeve snapped while approaching him.  Arthur would be lying if he denied being fearful of this wild one, "What's keepin' me going then?" After some dead air, she took in a breath to then stare at the ground noticing a small pebble there, with a soft kick to it Maeve went to lean on against the table.

"You just have to find your reason, Maeve.  I can't help you with that because it's something you have to look for on your own," Arthur said in a tender tone to the very lost girl. 

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Maeve walked down the steps to her home to find her mother sitting on their sofa, "Ma?" The light outside the windows shined bright through the glass.

Cecilia was wearing her light blue striped shirt with a dark blue Constance skirt and gold earrings, her hair was down however.  She had a tired expression on her face, "Hello, my sweet," the mother softly smiled.

Sitting down next to her, Maeve embraced her in a hug, "Why are you down here alone?  Where's Pa?"

"He's outside," Cecilia said nodding to the front door, "Said one of the horses was givin' him grief when he tried givin' it water."

Maeve winced confused, "It wasn't drinkin'?" Cecilia shook her head, "Being stubborn like all hell.  Hasn't been the same since it was bitten by that wild cat."

"It'll die out here in the heat if keeps rejecting water like that," she was trying to see outside the window but it was too bright outside.  Cecilia didn't look away from her, "Yes.  It can.  Sometimes, though, the reason they don't drink is because they have a sickness."

"What?" Maeve's eyes went back to her, "They ignore something so crucial to their survival because they’re sick," the mother pointed to her head when saying the last word.

Maeve speculated while still trying to see out the window, "Havin' to watch one of the other horses being eaten during that attack must have made 'em sick with grief."

"Perhaps," Cecilia agreed, "Witnessing something so awful, it changes you Maeve.  Don't matter if you're a horse or a scared child like you are."

The daughter's eyes went to stare at her mother, thrown off by this moment, "You don't say that...you're supposed to ask me to take that horse on a walk."

Cecilia cupped her hand on the side of Maeve's face, "I will, but I just need you to understand that it's okay to be afraid or to grieve...just don't let it kill you, my sweet.  That's the last thing I want."

Maeve's eyes started to water while not looking away from her mother knowing this moment was going to end at any second. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Maeve's eyes opened up and she sat up.  Under her right eye, she felt a throbbing pain that swelled there.  Maeve went to touch the black eye that had formed and made a hiss when a sting was there, "That bitch," she cursed.

She stood up still feeling pissed about last night, recalling all those remarks about her folks that Abigail just threw in her face.  Maeve had half a mind to go find her in camp and kick her ass again.  On top of that, she remembered what Hosea had said to John when Arthur had pulled her away, 'John...work on your marriage.'  It had rubbed her the wrong way.  Sure, he may have tried to calm his wife down, but John never came to check on Maeve at some point.  I guess, deep down she always knew where John stood even if he was smiling at her before everything blew out of proportion.

Right before she opened the flap to the tent, Hosea had came in, "Good, you're up.  I need your help today.  I already talked to Mrs. Grimshaw about it."

"Um? Okay, what did you need?" Maeve asked confused wondering what ever it was this old man could want from her, "Arthur has told me a great deal about you, like that you're a great shot with a rifle."

Maeve gently smiled, "He did?"

"Yes," Hosea's tone then turned into a grumble, "Also told me you're a dirty liar too," her smile quickly left her face, "So I reckon I take you with me today on a little hunting trip today.  Get you out of camp."

The girl stared at him as if he was serious about not saying the real reason he wanted her out of the camp for the day, "You mean so I don't cause any more trouble?"

"Did I ever say that?" He answered with a question.  Maeve gave him a knowing smirk while pointing at her bruise, "I'll play along because I don't even want to be here anyway."

"Good!  Get on your horse and we'll be on our way. I already spent the early morning packing our things.  You don't have a lot so it was fast."

Maeve scoffed, but followed him out, when the sun hit her she saw different members of the gang looking at her, but it wasn't how they used to.  Before when they would lay their eyes on her she could see their pity and their mouths' having 'poor kid' right there at the tip of their tongues.  Now it was just uncertainty as to what she'll do next which could be a gateway to, dare she think it, fear.  Even the women of the camp were giving her shifty eyes and whispering among each other what Maeve could assume was recalls of her anger.

But did they all expect her not to stand up for herself?  Did they all expect her to just take Abigail's shit, her punch and then just be okay with it?  Sure, Maeve may have deserved getting hit by the wife of John for being intimate with him, but Abigail screwed herself the moment her mouth flapped about the only two people that have ever unconditionally loved Maeve.

Her fists balled up as an angered huff of breath escaped her nose.  If everyone here expects Miss Milley to lie down and take whatever it is they throw at her, they got another thing coming.

"Miss Milley!" Hosea called out.  Maeve hurried over to get on Liability.   ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "So what exactly are we huntin'?" Maeve asked her babysitter.  They had headed east towards Hennigan's Stead where some life grew and it wasn't just a desert anymore.

"There's a man that owns a ranch not far from here that's been having a  problem with a cougar, it's been attacking his cattle and even some farm hands," Hosea explained.

With large eyes, Maeve expressed, "And you thought I can handle that?" "Arthur said you were a good enough shot to win contests."

"Yeah, bird shootin' contests! Not cougar shootin' contests!" Maeve had never really seen one of those beasts, let alone hunt one.  She has, however, heard one in the distance and seen the after math of the damage it leaves behind.  Everett has lost one of his horses to an attack.

"If you're gonna have a cry about it, I'll kill it myself, Miss Milley," Hosea chirped, being amused from her panic.

Maeve stared ahead of the road for a moment wondering why on Earth, he would bring her along for this trip.  She was better off at camp, "Why couldn't you ask Arthur to do this?  He seems like an actual hunter."

"Because, he's doing some hunting of his own for Mr. Strauss," the girl turned her head to him, "What?"

Hosea saw the ranch up head and continued to tell Maeve, "You are aware that Mister Strauss is a loan shark of sorts, right?" she nodded remembering Mrs. Grimshaw mention it a little after she first woke up at camp.  "Well, from time to time, Strauss sends Arthur to go collect for us."

Maeve wasn't sure how to take that.  In the past, back when the Milley's lived in Saint Denis, 'collectors' have come for her father when he's owed more than what he was given and usually they were never nice enough to leave Everett without being beaten up some.  She could remember how her mother would spend hours cleaning up her father's wounds while Maeve had to go fetch some water.  Then it took days or even weeks for the bruises and swelling to go down on his face.

There was a spark of anger that was deep inside her when recalling those particular times, "Does he... get rough with them?" she asked.

"Sometimes," Hosea said honestly, "but he usually gets the money back after visiting once. The man can be persuasive."

"Sure," that left a distaste in her mouth.

Once they reached the ranch, Hosea got to work on tracking down where this cougar can be.  They ventured out in the fields where they came across an animal carcass that was tangled in the long, gold grass.

Hosea had his rifle out while going over to kneel down next to their clue, "This is definitely one big cat.  Poor pronghorn didn't stand a chance," he observed the teeth marks that tore it open.  Maeve held her breath to not breathe in the hot, rotting smell, "Splendid.  Which way did it take off?"

The old man saw the tracks heading further east, "That way.  And it's a she," he stood up going in that direction on foot.  Maeve dismounted Liability, took her rifle and followed him, "What makes you say that it's a she?"

"Females of most species of animals are always deadlier," then after inspecting that carcass, it lead them to another, "You know, Miss Milley, in case we find this cougar and one of us dies--"

"Why.  Why are you talkin' like that Mister Matthews?" Maeve said in dread, now hoping they never found it.

"Let me finish! In case either of us dies, I have to ask you something."

Maeve looked around their area to make sure nothing snuck up on them, "Yes?"

"Last night, when you beat up Abigail, how long were you waiting to let out all that anger?" Maeve was surprised at that question, "Excuse me?"

"You heard me," Hosea looked back at her, "How long were you waiting to take out all your emotions out on someone?" he had stopped following the tracks and instead stepped towards Maeve, "Because you just charged at that woman, looking to draw blood and succeeding.  Damn near certain you gave Abigail a concussion."

Maeve clutched her hands around the gun, "Might be an improvement to her brain.  Maybe if poor Abigail kept her big mouth shut about things she doesn't understand I wouldn't have had to do anything to her," her voice was like venom.

He had pointed at her with a finger, "Do not get me wrong, what Abigail said was inexcusable, but did you expect her to react any different once finding out about you and John?"  Maeve was standing there, staring at the man in front of her.   She let out a sigh, shaking her head.  Hosea nodded once, " I feel you were unloading all your anger out on the wrong person for a lot of the wrong reasons."

"Oh I had my reasons.  She shouldn't have said anything about my folks--"

"Your folks.  That's what I'm getting at, Miss Milley.  You still hold a grudge for what happened to them, which is understandable.  But you have to heal.  You have to find something that helps you move on or keep your mind busy; otherwise, it can make you sick and kill you inside," he warned her of the danger she was in.

Maeve could hear her mother all over again when he said that, "You've lost someone too...haven't you?" she asked.

Hosea nodded once, "Haven't we all?"  She pressed her lips into a thin line with despondent eyes.  Loss was going to come eventually to everyone.  Still, Maeve was robbed of all that lost time by the Bollard Twins.  Time that they themselves had no right to take.  Maeve wanted someone to make them pay, someone to make them suffer as she had.  Someone to do something.

The grip on Maeve's rifle loosened when having a moment of clarity.

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Arthur had rode up to a run down house that was hiding off the main road in the desert.  Only lizards and people hiding from someone lived out here, capable of taking the heat.  A condor had flown over the man on the horse making for a nice sight.  Arthur went to take out his journal to sketch the bird but when he heard a loud thump from the house he got back on track.

After approaching the home, he dismounted Boadicia saying nothing so he had the element of surprise on his side.  He took a peek through the broken shutters that were on the windows.  He didn't see anyone in there though he did see sunlight coming from an opened back door.

"Son of a--"

He saw a figure running off when he turned around, "Hey!" he ran after the person like a wolf chasing it's prey.  When he caught up to the figure, Arthur tackled them down, "Gotcha!  It's time to pay up, Mister--" when he turned the body around he was met with a skinny, young, pale boy that had on an oversized coat and lots of fear in his eyes.

"What in the hell?  You're just a kid?"  Arthur was baffled with this surprise. "Please don't kill me!  I don't have anything, sir.  My mama got real sick and my papa took money from some German soundin' fella to get her medicine and help us with bills--"

Arthur grabbed the kid by the collar of his coat to pick him up, "Where are your parents now, boah?"

The boy, who couldn't have been more than fifteen, peered his eyes down in sorrow, "They're dead, sir...fever hit them real bad in the night...I woke up to them dead."

Arthur was curing Strauss under his breath.  What was he supposed to do now?  "They didn't leave me with anythin'.  Just a bunch'a debt," the boy continued.  Arthur huffed out, "Sorry for the loss, kid.  Really.  But you don't have anything at all to pay off what they owed?"

The boy shook his head, "No..." he then thought for a moment, "But I know where to get some."

"Don't go quiet on me now, speak up," Arthur encouraged, hands not as tight around the fabric of the coat.

"Well, there's this house out on Lake Don Julio. Said to have lots of good stuff like jewelry and such," the older man looked at the boy, wincing his eyes, "Does there happen to be a family livin' in that house?"

"Well--" he stammered before Arthur grabbed him by the collar of his coat again, lifting him off his feet, "What's the matter with you?  You don't go sellin' out some innocent family that has nothing to do with you!  They didn't put you in debt."

He was shouting out in fear of Arthur, feet flailing about, "I'm sorry!  I'm sorry!  I'm desperate!"

Arthur tossed the boy on the ground, "You ain't right is what you are!" he pulled out his revolver and aimed it towards the kid, "Now get on outta here!  Before I change my mind and put you out of your misery!"

The boy got up to start making a run for it as Arthur shouted out, "And if I hear that house on Lake Don Julio got robbed, I'm huntin' you down, boah!" And like that, the teenager was gone.  Arthur rubbed his chin with his rough hand, frustrated that this was a bust.

He knew letting the kid go was the right thing to do, but he'd never hear the end of it from Strauss.  When he got back on Boadicia, Arthur couldn't help but be irritated at how that boy sold out some family for their riches.  Wouldn't be the first time that's happened for him.

"Help!  Get away from me you nasty wolves!" The prospector shouted while throwing a pan at one of them.  He was standing on top of a large rock to keep out of reach of these hungry beasts.  Their snarling echoed through the woods along with the loud cries of, "Help!"

As one of the wolves leaped up to bite the prospector's leg, a bullet went into it's stomach.  More bullets went into each of the wolves, killing them off.  The prospector had a hand over his heart, when he saw Arthur ride up saying, "You alright, mister?"

"Holy hell!  You just 'bout saved my life!  Those wolves came outta no where!"

"They won't be troublin' you no more," Arthur reassured him getting ready to ride off to Blackwater.

"Hey wait!  I don't have anything to give you for savin' me, but I do think ya deserve something."

Arthur wondered what this could be, "Some gold you found there, old timer?"

"Not that I found.  This stableman did a while ago.  A whole bunch of it! He keeps it in his safe," That peeked his interest, "Where is this gold?"

The prospector pointed towards Blackwater, "Lives in a yellow house with his family.  There's a wind mill next to them. You can't miss it!"

Arthur would consider going there as he wrote down the description of the house in his journal, "Thanks for the tip," and with that he rode off.

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When they had walked up to another dead pronghorn, Hosea right away noticed how fresh the kill was, "Couldn't have gotten too far.  Blood is still pooling out of the damn thing."

Maeve had backed up a bit seeing the bloodied footprints of this wild cat heading off south, "Oh I don't like this."

Hosea followed the trail, getting just ahead of Maeve, "You've expressed that. Tell ya what, Miss Milley.  If you kill the beast, I'll talk Mr. MacFarlane into keeping the fur so we can get you a coat."

"And if you kill the beast?" Maeve cocked her gun when she heard rustling, "Then I still talk Mr. MacFarlane into keeping the fur, only it'll be for me."

Maeve let out a huffed chuckle, "You got a deal."  Her and Hosea split off to be further apart when searching for the animal.  Grass being moved and small twigs being snapped put them both on edge for any moment, one of them could be pounced on.

She had started to move slowly when an eerie feeling crept up her spin, one that she was being watched.  A low growl was heard all around her in the area and Maeve felt her heartbeat pounding against her chest.  She was sure the cougar could heart the blood pumping through her body. As the rustle gave away where something was hidden, Maeve quickly turned around to aim her rifle down towards the ground to see a rabbit hop out from the waist high blades of grass.  She tilted her head in confusion.

Suddenly, a loud, high-pitched scream ripped through the air causing Maeve's blood to run cold as ice.  She whipped herself around to see the beast lunging itself through the air, claws out, teeth bared, ready to end her life.

Everything slowed down.  Slow enough for Maeve's only reaction to be that of squeezing her finger on that trigger once.  The bullet shot right between the cougar's eyes, instantly killing it.  However, that didn't stop it from crashing right into Maeve's frame, knocking her down on the ground with the dead animal on top of her.

"Miss Milley!" Hosea came running up to her to seeing Maeve pushing off the animal, "I'm okay!" she grunted out while going to stand.  Her clothes were blood stained and part of her right shoulder was scratched from the claws, but other than that she was fine.

He let out a relived breath that she was able to stand, still breathing, "I thought that was the end for you, Miss Milley."

Maeve let out a scoffed laugh, "Oh?  What happened to all that faith you had in me for being a good shot?  Didn't think it was all talk, now did ya?" she slung her rifle over her shoulder.

"No...but that was one hell of a lucky shot you pulled off," Hosea said, now having the feeling of being impressed settle in.

"What can I say?  I really wanted a coat," Hosea chuckled then took out his knife, "A fair reason."  Just as he had knelt down to skin the creature, he stopped then looked over to the girl and offered his knife, "You skin it." "What!" Maeve shook her head as Hosea nodded his, "Yes, you skin it. You killed it, you should do it or at least know how."

She glanced at the animal, "Uh that's okay...I know how."

Hosea rolled his eyes, "Arthur was right.  You are a dirty liar!"

"Oh excuse me for not being over-joyed in wanting to peel back the fur of this thing that almost killed me!"  Maeve exclaimed.  Hosea was still holding up the knife, looking at her, not letting this go.

"Fine!" Maeve snatched the sharp tool from him, "Where the hell do I even begin?" she asked reluctantly.

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The pelt was rolled up and tied to the rear of Liability.  After talking to Mr. MacFarlane into keeping the fur as payment, they headed back to camp.  The sun was getting ready to come down, making the heat more bearable.  Her hands were blood stained as they gripped the reins, pulling to a stop when Maeve could see the campfire light.  Hosea went a few yards a head before stopping himself to turn back, "What's wrong?"

Maeve looked off in the far distance, "I think I should go into town and see someone about making this coat for me," she nodded towards the direction of town.  Hosea couldn't help but notice that night was coming, "It's a little late now.  Can't wait until tomorrow morning?"

She softly shook her head, "Maeve, you gotta be at camp eventually.  Can't stay away forever," Hosea said to her.  The girl gazed at him, almost in an offended manner, "You think I'm tryin' to avoid Abigail?  That I'm scared?"

"No," He shook his head, "I don't think you are scared of Abigail," Maeve thought his words through, understanding what he was getting at when it came to what it was that Maeve was scared of.

Hosea was right however.  She should stay, "Alright...do you have a habit of always being right?"

He shrugged, "It's more of a curse if I do say."  Just as he said that he saw a light in the distance riding up, "Oh, looks as though Arthur made it back."

Maeve got off Liability then hitched her to the post just as Arthur did, "Howdy," he greeted her.

"Hi," she said back rather short, not looking at him while unloading the satchel Hosea packed up for her.  Truth was, Maeve was still thinking about him beating up some poor family to get some money back even if that's not what happened.

"How'd huntin' go?" he asked her noticing how off-putting she was being. Maeve pointed at the rolled up pelt on the back of her horse. "A cougar?  You shot and killed one?" she nodded carrying the bag over to her bed roll.  Arthur was still following her, "Good for you, Miss Milley.  Might be gettin' a coat sooner than I thought."

She said nothing back, "Hey, I picked something up for you when I was out today."

Maeve dropped the bag down to turn around to face him.  Her eyebrows rose up as a signal for him to continue.  Arthur reached into his satchel to take out what looked like a small journal with a pencil inside.  He handed it over to her, "I picked this up for you.  I figured you could write out your thoughts or feelings.  Maybe draw like I do?"

She held the small book in her hand then glanced up at him, not understanding the gesture.  Arthur then said, "Or you could use it for makin' lists and keepin' track of chores Mrs. Grimshaw gives you."

The girl gave him a single nod before tossing it on her bed roll, "How was your day, Arthur?" she finally spoke.

Arthur paused, surprised someone for once asked him how his day was, "It was...annoying, but fine I suppose."

Maeve perched her lips, "A little birdie told me that you did collections for Mister Strauss."

"Was this birdie old and overbearing," Arthur irritably glanced over at Hosea who was by the campfire.

She smirked, "Yes, actually," then her stance changed to be more relaxed, "You know when I heard that, I couldn't help but be a little disappointed and angry."

Arthur stared at her taking in the sight of her hip being popped out to the side while her fingers fiddled around the edge of her shirt.  Most of the muscles in Maeve's face were relaxed, yet her eyes were dark and held a level of intensity that kept Arthur guessing if she was going to lash out or be calm.  Strangely, it excited him.  Her black-eye was still there but didn’t look as bad as it did the night before while those fresh new scratches on her shoulder were piercing red.

Yet, here she was having a conversation with him paying no mind to her wounds.  This little lady could take a lot, something Arthur admired.  His eyes dragged over to gaze at her neck, skin being smooth and alluring as a neck tie was wrapped around it.  Even beaten up, Maeve managed to make Arthur feel tingles in his stomach.

"Oh?" He had to snap himself out of his own thoughts, "And have those feelings changed?" Maeve went to place her finger on her chin as if debating her answer, but it took less than a second to say, "No."

He lightly threw his hands up, "But how did today go?  You said it was annoying," Maeve gave him a chance.

"Ended up being just a kid.  Parents died and left him with the bill," Maeve's eyebrows furrowed together showing her heart had stung for the boy, "Then what?"

"Then I ended up lettin' him go.  He had nothing to offer.  Guess I'll have to find another way to get the money back," Arthur had placed his hands on his hips, raising his eyebrows, "Satisfied, Miss Milley?"

Maeve adverted her eyes to the ground beside Arthur, "Actually, yes.  I am," her brown orbs were back on him, "I'm glad you let him go.  I was really worried there for a moment."

The man had stepped close to her, "Worried for what?  For me?"  Maeve nodded, "I didn't want to believe you were anything like those men," she whispered the last word, "Those treacherous twins that took everything from me."

After a long moment of both their gazes holding on to each other, Maeve let out a relieved breath, "But you're not.  You're a much better person than that." She closed in the space between them to hug her arms around Arthur.  He was shook that she was embracing him and that her face was buried in his chest.  While he longed for the closeness, he was damn never relishing in it, he felt such a heavy guilt on his shoulders.

He couldn't tell her the truth now, not when she had this much faith in him being a good person.  It would crush Maeve if she ever found out that the only reason Arthur was in Blackwater was so he could rob her family's gold.

Arthur brought up his arms so he could embrace her back, whispering, "I'd never do anything they would do," to comfort and reassure the girl in his hold.

[wintersxsoul]

The Underworld Is Nothing Without You

Summary: A tragic lover that finally finds his queen.

Pairing: Bucky x Reader 

Word Count: 1.2k

Warnings: It has a sad tone, thats basically it.

A/N: This is my entry for @bvcks 4.2k writing challenge and my prompt was  “I know, but you are the only reason I stayed.”. I am a total an absolute hoe for mythology, so I really loved doing this even tho my brain is fucking fried. Big thank you to Sara @polaroid-idiocity for this beautiful and amazing moodboard, I love you. Check her out because she is an amazing artist doing moodboards, with such a beautiful soul it makes me cry.

"Persephone kisses the snow because she knows even the coldest things need love. She doesn’t know winter. Only that she is the reason for it."

Bucky shivered the first time he heard you read that quote to him. He couldn’t remember who wrote it or the real meaning for the author, but for him, it meant so much it hurt. He saw you as Persephone, the Spring Goddess and Queen of the Underworld. He, of course, saw himself as Hades, cruel and dark, the one that carried a huge burden of violence and sorrow.

The first time you met James Buchanan Barnes, something in you awoke, even though you met him as The Winter Soldier. You couldn’t understand how a person with such angelical features could be so cold and merciless, but maybe that was his biggest weapon, those baby blue eyes could melt even the harsher heart. Steve told you everything about him, the way he had saved him in so many occasions, his warm laugh and the softness that those eyes held every time he looked at his best friend. It was impossible to understand how they could be the same person, coexisting with each other, but HYDRA took care of that side, turning him into a weapon, turning him into Hades.

Bucky spent months in a haze, the turmoil of memories and feelings that once belonged to him surging back. He felt so numb for years, hollow, being just a complying weapon that when Steve, all beaten up because of him , fell into the Potomac something in him, a soft cracked voice, told him to jump. So he did. And that single action, that simple act of selflessness was what drove Steve to look for him, Sam and you following him.

That’s how you ended up, three years later, curled up next to Bucky on your bed. Throughout the trials you were there for him, helping him to escape his nightmares, soothing his fears, taking him to therapy and being everything Bucky had wanted all his life. You were an agent when you first met him but after the fall of SHIELD, Steve took you in, so now you were part of The Avengers.

“You’ve been silent for the past hour. What is going on?” You beamed at him, but he kept staring at the ceiling, like he had been doing the whole afternoon.

“Buck, are the nightmares back?” He shook his head but never looked at you. You sighed, a bit exasperated, and sat on the bed. You were about to speak when he said in a low, soft voice “Why?”

You knew him too well to understand that simple question, but you wanted, needed , him to say it aloud.

“Why what , Bucky?” He looked at you and you almost gasped at the look in his eyes, he had been crying and you hadn’t noticed.

“Why didn’t you join the FBI like Sharon did?” He frowned.

“Because I wanted to be an Avenger, I wanted to be with my family.” You cupped his cheek with your hand and planted a small kiss on his lips. You loved him, you always had, but you knew that telling him might freak him out. He wasn’t ready.

“Tell me about Hades and Persephone again, please.” He smiled at you sweetly, making your insides churn. You leaned in and pressed your forehead to his, your eyes fluttered closed at the sensation of his breath ghosting your lips. He closed the distance, giving you a long sweet kiss, making you both gasp for air. He pulled you close to him, embracing you with his metal arm, cooling you down instantly. You cleared your thought and started to narrate the story you both knew by heart already.

“Persephone, the Goddess of Spring, enamored the God of Death and King of the Underworld, Hades. Overwhelmed by his feelings, he took her from her home to make her his Queen. It took time for Persephone to adjust to her new life, but eventually, she learned to love the Underworld and to love Hades as much as he did. Meanwhile, Persephone's mother, Demeter, the Goddess of Harvest, searched the earth for her daughter, only to find from Zeus that she was is in the Underworld, thus bringing Demeter into mourning and bringing winter upon the earth. Hearing this news from Hermes, Hades traced a plan: if anyone ate anything from the Underworld, they were bound to it, so Hades persuaded Persephone to eat some seeds from a pomegranate, therefore keeping her for four months of the year and the rest on Earth with her mother.”

“Don’t you see the resemblance?”

“No, why would I?” He would be lying if he said that question didn’t hurt him, but why would you see it? You couldn’t know he was in love with you, he never said it, but neither did you. You’d been dating only for a few months, so your feelings might be uncertain. Why would you love him?

“I...I don’t know. I just…I don’t know.” Bucky shook his head, cursing under his breath for being such a moron. You laced your fingers with his metal ones, and looked at his ocean eyes.

“Buck, we are not them. You are not him.” You caressed his face with your fingertips, tracing his strong jaw and placing a strand of hair behind his ear. His gaze was warm, full of adoration and love, and before he could say it, you knew it.

“Y/n, I love you.” Before you could even react or say it back, he pulled you closer, his hands shaking on your skin.

“That’s why you should’ve left when you could.” He said with sorrow making his voice tremble. You stare at him for a few seconds, your gaze softening at the sight of him opening himself, raw and honest.

“ I know, but you are the only reason I stayed .” He stared at you wide eyed, not knowing if that was a good or a bad thing.

“I stayed because I love you more than anything, not because you forced me to do so. We are not them, and we will never be.”

“That means no one is coming to take you away from me?” He smiled fondly at you and squeezed your hand, trying to ground himself after your confession.

You laughed and shook your head in amusement, this man was going to be the death of you.

Persephone fell in love with the soft parts of Hades, the tenderness and love he showed her, the longing gazes and sweet kisses. She ended up understanding why he acted like he did, his past was his own, but not really. He was who he was because that’s how they made him. Hades was made to rule the Underworld, to take care of the lost souls that were stuck there for eternity.

Hades fell in love with Persephone for her ethereal soul, the beauty she had hidden beneath her but what he loved the most about her was her fearless attitude, her strong character. She might’ve been the Goddess of Spring but she was nothing like her flowers, she was meant for more, she was meant to be his queen.

What myths will never know, is that it wasn’t Hades plan, it was hers all along. Persephone wanted to stay with her beloved, so she ate a few seeds of the pomegranate and told Hades what to do. She understood what Hades once told her: “The Underworld is nothing without you.” She understood because life without his love meant nothing to her anymore.

[stcllac]

i. ready

snippets lost to the past, all in chronological order.

          be strong, he tells himself as small fists collide with a punching bag too big for them.

         be strong, he tells himself as he hears the children in the apartment below his sob for their mother.

         be strong, he tells himself as police sirens echo down the street for the third time that week.

          ❝ she’s a mistake. ❞

          ❝ there you go stating the obvious again. ❞

          ❝ then i’ll ask the main question: what the fuck do we do with her ?? ❞

          ❝ the population already knows she exists, so we can’t get rid of her. leave her for now. we’ll deal with her when she becomes a problem. ❞

          ❝ fine. in the meantime, she should be educated and taught to act worthy of our name. she might be a mistake, but no one else needs to know that. ❞

          tiny hands reach up to pull at glasses, a childish giggle leaving an equally tiny mouth.

          ❝ he wasn’t left with a name, right ?? what should we call him ?? ❞

          brown eyes stare into blue. a name comes to the tip of her tongue, a sudden idea, but it feels so right.

           ❝ levi. ❞

          his eyes open blearily, only to close again as the fluorescent lights overhead cause a dull ache between his eyes. he focuses on breathing, almost as if he’s forgotten how to do it, and his senses slowly return. he hears voices nearby and listens in an attempt to forget his own problems.

          ❝ another success ?? ❞

          ❝ of course, we never fail. not for the past few years, anyway. ❞

          ❝ where did you find him, anyway ?? ❞

          ❝ wandering the streets, rummaging through trash cans. we thought about making him a raccoon for the irony, but decided against it. ❞

          vague memories are beginning to resurface in his mind, but just as they’re in reach, he drifts into another round of slumber.

          she’s five years old.

          she’s being kicked around like a soccer ball, dragged along the dirt like a potato sack, thrown into the lake like a squirming fish. she cries and yells and gasps as the other children laugh and throw sticks at her face. the sun is excruciating against her pale skin, and she finds shade only to be pulled away and tormented some more.

          she’s five years old, and she thinks she’s dying.

          your entire existence hinges on the stability of this shrine.

          she doesn’t know how she knows this. she doesn’t even remember how she arrived here, what her name is, where she comes from. all she knows is that this is the home she must look after.

          her lungs are on fire but she can’t stop, her gaze fixated on a single spot in the water, her screams directed at the unassuming ripples her voice makes. the other children stare in horror while the adults are calmer. they understand what’s happening, she can tell, so why aren’t they helping ??

          hands gently guide her beneath the surface and against the current, and it’s only when they’ve passed the root maze that she’s able to close her mouth and her fuzzy senses return.

          it isn’t until later that she's told what she experienced: on occasion, a nix will sense when a drowning will occur, upon which they will stare at the scene of the impending tragedy and scream for an extended period of time unless removed from the vicinity.

          ❝ you have a remarkable gift, milady. ❞

          she doesn’t understand. no one has ever referred to her as ❛ milady ❜, and she thinks they’re wrong anyway, as she hasn’t been given any presents recently. surely she would know if she had a gift.

          her father looks at her and she, a daddy’s girl until this very moment, recoils. there is no love or pride in his eyes, nothing that makes her feel safe in his presence. she feels more like an object than a living being and she curls into herself as a protective instinct.

          he surges forward and grips her shoulders, shaking her lightly, and the grin on his face makes her want to cry.

          ❝ you’re going to have it all, ❞ he hisses.

          this, she’ll realise later, is where it truly begins.

          ❝ hey, knock it off !! ❞

          ❝ oh, yeah ?? what are you gonna do about it ?? ❞

          the bully is three times her size, and far too big to be picking on her, let alone a young child, but she’s ready to take him on. she never lets herself waver, staring him down as she raises her fists -- a decoy.

          as expected, she’s laughed at right off the bat.

          ❝ you think you can land a hit on me ?? you’re a fucking pipsqueak, you can’t even reach my -- ❞

          all at once, his feet are swept out from under him, and she pulls her leg back so she and the initial victim can make a quick escape from the scene.

          she leaps. she runs. she cartwheels. anything to get away from the droid after her. she’s at an advantage, her small stature making it easier for her to dodge, and her speed is nothing to laugh at, either. it’s only pressure that she doesn’t work well under, but the adrenaline is helping her through.

          she beats her record by ten seconds, earning her a grin and a ruffle of her hair.

          ❝ that’s my girl. ❞

          he wakes in the snow, mind foggy, eyes searching. the winter woods are dead silent save for the pained sound that leaves his throat as he slowly lifts himself up, more akin to an old man than an eight year old.

          he remembers his name, a term for twilight, a shade before night, but he doesn’t remember who he is. where does he come from ?? who does he come from ?? his instincts tell him that the answers lie through the frosted gates he spots in the distance, but with that realisation comes a sense of foreboding, a strong push that tells him not to follow up.

          he steps back, then again, and again, until he’s completely turned and sprinting to a place more warm.

          the sound of arguing is something he’s used to by now, though he never admits as much. he pretends he never hears their rows at all when they all sit at the table and discuss their day as though nothing’s wrong, and he knows that today will be the same as muffled voices slip through the crack beneath his door.

          ❝ i just want to leave !! let me leave !! ❞

          he’ll say that you can’t leave.

          ❝ you can’t leave !! ❞

          there it is.

          ❝ why not ?? what could i possibly have to gain from staying here ?? ❞

          he’ll mention the kingdom, the people, and their responsibilities. and me as an afterthought.

          ❝ have you forgotten about the kingdom ?? our people, our responsibility to them ?? ❞ a pause. ❝ our son ?? ❞

          he sighs. if this is what being crowned entails, he’ll pass.

          she drags her feet, ready to collapse as she searches for her keys, only to find she doesn’t need them when the door opens without her prodding. her father stands there with a bright smile on his face, and for a few moments she dares to hope.

          ❝ mini-hyewonnie !! great, you’re here. ❞

          her hopes disappear into the void that all her dreams reside in. is it too much to ask to be referred to by her actual name and not a mini version of her ( currently awol ) mother ?? is it too much to ask that she be her own person with dreams and desires ??

          unaware of her inner turmoil, her father continues. ❝ i think i have a lead to where your mother is, i’m gonna go check it out. could you make dinner ?? ❞

          he says this as though he regularly makes dinner, as though she isn’t the one who slaves over the stove every night after both school and her part time job just to ensure she and her younger siblings are fed. he just smiles down at her with eyes that tell her that he’s already made up his mind. she’s cooking dinner whether she likes it or not.

          ❝ sure. ❞

          ❝ thanks, sweetheart, see you later !! ❞

          he’s off before she can say goodbye, and for a moment she just stares as the car starts and he disappears down the road, likely to be gone for a week at least. she resigns herself to that fact as she puts on a smile for her siblings and steps inside.

          ❝ stop it !! ❞

          her words fall on deaf ears, but she stands her ground, arms pointing at the two most important people in her life. she’s trying desperately not to cry because this isn’t how things are supposed to be. she wants to act like a normal ( as if she’s ever been normal ) sister and spend time with her family like a girl her age is supposed to.

          as if that’s ever going to happen, but a girl can dream.

          ❝ you’re leaving again ?? ❞

          ❝ we didn’t tell you ?? we’ll be gone for the next couple of weeks, we’ll be back on the 28th. you’ll be alright to get to school and everything, and you can ask the neighbours if you need anything !! ❞

          he leans against the doorframe with a sigh, watching the car ( once again ) being loaded with bags and suitcases. ❛ that’s not the point ❜ is what he wants to say, but he doesn’t bother. he’s clearly the adult here.

          ❝ we’ll see you when we get back !! love you !! ❞

          it isn’t perfect. the curve isn’t as smooth as it could be and the arrows are different lengths, but he’s never done this before, so he counts it as a win.

          he leaps through the air, following the wind as he targets the trees, hitting them one by one. his laughter is lost in the breeze when he departs from the glade he’s been spending his time, itching to explore elsewhere. he ensures he collects his arrows on the way.

          he avoids the woodland creatures, the only things safe from his sharpshooter eye. there haven’t been many threats as of late, and he craves a decent fight, so it’s no surprise that he whirls around the moment he hears the crunch of the grass behind him.

          his arrow is pointed at a girl not much younger than him, and for a moment, all they do is stare at each other. she doesn’t appear fazed at all. is he not threatening enough ?? is his stance too lacking ??

          in the end, she says, ❝ can you get out of my way ?? i have to get back to work. ❞

          she gestures to a woven basket with various items he can’t make sense of, but it makes him grin all the same, and he bows with confidence.

          ❝ i’ll escort you, m’lady !! ❞          

          ❝ you’re kinda boring, you know ?? nothing, like, stands out. ❞

          he doesn’t think the words are said maliciously. they’re so nonchalant, as if just stating a fact, and he realises with a pang in his heart that that’s exactly what it is. he stares down at his plain clothing and catches sight of his boring black-ish brown-ish hair in the window and wonders how he can seem more interesting.

          his gaze wanders the graphic novel lying on his desk and he flips through the pages, wishing he could be a character from some fantasy land instead.

          the boys in the photographs are familiar, but she has no interest in any of them, eyes briefly glossing over them. how annoying.

          ❝ so ?? do any of them catch your eye ?? ❞

          her glare is as intimidating as any ten year old’s would be, but she knows her message is received when her father sighs in resignation and leans back against the sofa.

          ❝ we only want what’s best for you -- ❞

          ❝ -- i didn’t realise that shoving me into an unhappy arranged marriage and planning my entire life out for me before i’m even a teenager is what’s best for me. ❞

          a pause. she doesn’t break eye contact, though he desperately tries to.

          ❝ your mother and i are happy. ❞

          ❝ liar. ❞

          the word echoes long after she speaks, leaving the weight of her bitterness and indignation for him to see. her eyes don’t leave his until she stands and storms out of the room.

          he doesn’t follow.

          the rain splashes across the tree leaves and drowns the weeds in puddles, but she continues to dance with her eyes closed, magic flowing from her fingertips. she loves the rain, though that isn’t saying much, as she loves the sun and the snow and the clouds and everything the weather brings.

          her companion doesn’t think the same, taking shelter beneath the awnings of her small cottage. all it does is make her laugh, and she wastes no time in scooping the little fox up in her arms and twirling her around as raindrops run through her hair.

          this isn’t the first time he’s snuck out of the house, but it’s the most important time, and his hands shake as he clings onto the windowsill. he can jump from the second storey when in a pinch, but that makes more noise. he can’t risk it. he grabs onto the nearby tree and manoeuvres his way to the side opposite the house, staying aware, hoping and praying no lights turn on.

          the guilt he’s been harbouring since receiving the offer is still with him as he jumps the fence and heads down the road he knows leads to downtown. isn’t he just abandoning his siblings this way ?? perhaps he’s doing this to earn a living that, hopefully one day, will help them, but in the meantime ??

          he’s nothing more than a shitty brother. 

          she runs through the halls, slamming doors and skidding across the floor until she arrives in the dining room. she leaps onto her sister’s back and giggles despite the lack of reaction.

          ❝ janiiiieeeeee, where’s baby ?? i wanna show him the new tricks i learned on the bike and the skateboard !! ❞

          janie stiffens and she’s forced to slide off. she peers around to see her sister’s face and her own drops at the pure worry she sees.

          ❝ janie... what’s going on ?? ❞

          ❝ go-go... i’m so sorry. ❞

          her fingers are covered in blisters and she’s sweating under the summer heat, but she has another accomplishment under her belt and that’s something to be proud of. her fellow members think so, too, judging by the way they high-five each other take a selfie to send to their parents, showing off their newly earned patches.

          she’s about to join them when she hears a voice behind her and, despite it not being directed at her, she turns. it’s pathetic how she listens for his voice with hearts in her eyes. she’s only young, but she’s always been a romantic, and she wishes and dreams that her life will be like the movies and books she reads.

          it’s funny how she can climb a mountain in a skirt, ride a jet ski blindfolded, and save an endangered species, but she can’t tell her crush she likes him.

          she quickly shakes the thought from her head and faces her friends, beaming. ❝ guys, wait for me !! ❞

          ❝ finally graduating, huh ?? ❞

          ❝ right ?? holy shit. ❞

          ❝ got any plans ?? ❞

          ❝ i’ll probably go to the city. ❞

          ❝ seriously ?? lucky. ❞

          ❝ you only have one more year, don’t you ?? you can make it. ❞

          ❝ i think you’re overestimating my academic abilities, my man, but thanks. ❞

          ❝ i don’t just mean academics. academics who ?? don’t know her. ❞

  ��       ❝ bitch, i wish that was me. ❞

          the tallest tower isn’t high enough, but it’ll do for now. he spreads his arms and closes his eyes, letting the wind gently caress his face, the cold nipping at his nose. he doesn’t mind.

          is this what it feels like to fly ?? is this how his father feels ( felt ) every day ??

          ❝ i’ll find you, dad, ❞ he whispers to the clouds. ❝ i promise. ❞

          huddling in the corner between the wall and her bed isn’t the best course of action, but it’s all she can do. she’s paralysed, frozen as she listens to the whispers and feels the chills that travel up her spine.

          none of the other kids get this way, so why ??

          ❝ go away, ❞ she whimpers as she senses a presence beside her, but when she looks there’s nothing there.

          she cries harder.

          the moment she opens the door, she’s bombarded.

          ❝ where were you ?? ❞

          she dumps her bag in the hallway. ❝ library. ❞

          ❝ by yourself ?? ❞

          heads through the kitchen, doesn’t look at her mother. ❝ yep. ❞

          ❝ what were you doing there ?? ❞

          takes the steps two at a time. ❝ studying. ❞

          ❝ are you going to answer with more than one word ?? ❞

          ❛ are you going to stop cheating on dad with some sneaky ass rich guy and buying me presents with his money because you feel guilty ?? ❜ is what she wants to say, but she bites it back and simply says, ❝ nope. ❞

          row after row of statues, the smell of dust and grime taking over her senses, her footsteps the only sound in the chamber aside from her laboured breathing. she knew something was wrong, that there was something she was missing, but she never thought it would be something as disturbing as this.

          familiar faces are etched in stone, and the further she walks the sicker she feels. it has nothing to do with the state of the room.

          she doesn’t react save for unsteady footsteps until she finds the statue at the back of the chamber. it’s like looking into a dirty mirror, and her gaze roams around the oh-so-familiar pose until she feels bile rise to her throat and she’s forced to cover her mouth to keep it in.

          ❝ why do you keep these ?? ❞ his mother asks, turning up her nose as she picks up one of his old casts. she must have found one of his secret treasure boxes.

          he grins. ❝ ‘cause !! it proves how many awesome things i’ve done !! ❞

          his mother shakes her head, but he spies the small smile on her face as she does.

          she waits until she’s perched on the windowsill to light the match, throwing it onto the documents she's spread across the study. she’s taken everything she needs and refuses to leave anything else for her father and sister, though she’ll miss the days she spent rummaging through the shelves when her father thought she wasn’t around. not that he looked hard enough anyway.

          the papers ignite and she drops onto the grass outside, making a mad dash for the forest. her father’s screams moments later propel her forward and she smirks as she disappears into the night.

          she’s useless.

          she never says as much out loud, knowing she’ll be met with resistance, that she’ll be told that she’s perfect, which is just ridiculous because that isn’t true for anyone.

          ( well, it is for perhaps one person, but she’s biased. )

          if she wasn’t useless, she would be able to stop the crying she hears when she explores the castle. her father would consider her a strong and educated girl instead of something he remembers to see every few months. she would be able to prevent the wounds inflicted on her cousin before a hand is even laid on him.

          no hands would be laid on him at all.

          but she has always been useless, and useless she will continue to be.

          lean fingers spin the ring around, light reflecting off the gold band. she hasn’t seen this particular item amongst her mother’s collection before, and she’s sure she would remember it, even if the last time she played dress-up was years ago.

          figuring she can indulge herself just this once, she slips the ring on, staggering back when she’s enveloped in a blinding light.

          the moon dips below the horizon. tech finishes fiddling with the audio and he watches the ❛ on air ❜ light flicker on.

          he grins.

          ❝ good evening, listeners... ❞

          ❝ alright, guys, gals, non-binary pals !! it’s time for a q&a, the final and arguably best part off the night !! ❞

          before he can say anything more, his phone pings, and he checks his notifications as questions spam the chat. a message from his sister isn’t unusual, but the message itself has his eyes widening before he can stop himself.

          ❛ he’s back. ❜

          he sucks in a breath. he’s only vaguely aware that he’s still streaming and, barely looking up from his phone, let’s out a rushed, ❝ hey, i’m so sorry, guys !! a family emergency just came up -- don’t worry, everything and everyone’s fine, but i have to be at home !! i’ll make it up to you guys soon, bye !! ❞

          ❝ the new girl thinks she’s better than us. she doesn’t say hello, barely even smiles, what the fuck ?? ❞

          ❝ i’ve heard she does sketchy shit late at night, if you know what i mean. ❞

          ❝ are you kidding ?? i bet she’s never worked a day in her life. ❞

          none of these things are said to her face, and she’s sure that she isn’t meant to overhear, but not being a human comes with consequences. sometimes better hearing is one of them.

          the only person who says anything directly is a nervous looking boy, and judging from the way her classmates are watching and giggling behind their hands, he drew the short straw.

          ❝ hey, uh... your parents are seriously fucking rich, right ?? ‘cause people are saying they’re, like, swindlers or whatever -- ❞

          she cuts him off with the way she looks at him. it’s a variant of her usual disinterested expression, this time with a fire behind her eyes.

          ❝ my parents are dead, ❞ she says, loud enough for the entire class to hear.

          she rubs her forehead, willing the ache to disappear. she can’t afford to take a break now, not when her deadline is quickly approaching and she hasn’t even begun her search for her parents. there are so many things she has to do and so little time to do it in.

          coffee. coffee will make things better.

          only when she checks the cupboard, the instant coffee is gone, used up by her sleep deprived self that morning. her fingers clench around the handle as she curses herself for not remembering to pick any up after work. it isn’t a big deal, it’s just coffee, and yet it’s the cherry on top of everything that’s gone wrong lately, and she has to swallow thickly to get rid of the lump in her throat.

          she slaps her cheeks and shakes her head. no, be strong.

          fire consumes her, but she doesn’t burn. she’s revitalised. any ache or pain she may have felt before is gone, making way for the power she never realised she had. she doesn’t know what it is or where it comes from, but she thinks she can take on the world.

          a petty criminal will have to do.

          the robber is taken away within minutes and she’s surrounded by strangers, and perhaps it’s the high from the fight, but she feels so in control, so valid.

          she answers the call next time it comes around.

          ❝ why bother learning about your history when you can make your own ?? ❞

          ❝ what do you mean ?? ❞

          ❝ i mean that i could tell people where i come from and why i’m here now and all that boring stuff, but why bother when i could give them a story ?? ❞

          ❝ but... wouldn’t that be lying ?? ❞

          ❝ not if you make it grand or fantastical enough. ❞

          ❝ i’m not good with words like you are. ❞

          ❝ maybe not, but you’re surrounded by history. i’m sure you’d be able to think of something. ❞

          ❝ hey, i’m not about to dishonour the dead that way. ❞

          [ LOADING... ]

          [ LOADING... ]

          [ LOADED ]

          [ ACCESSING... ]

          [ CONNECTED ]

          ❝ hello !! how may i help you today ?? ❞

          his face is warm where the sun showers him with light. his eyes remain closed, both because he doesn’t want to damage them, but also because he truly can’t be bothered. he’s content where he is. why should he move ??

          something -- someone -- shifts beside him and he whines, just a little, wrapping his arms around the moving figure and curling into them.

          he could die happy here. he has the sun, some sleep, and his best friends beside him.

          ❝ everybody hold on tight !! ❞

          she doesn’t need to be told twice. her hands find another’s -- she’s not sure whose -- and she clings tightly as the countdown begins, faster than it’s ever been before. these are dire straits. there isn’t time for the usual fanfare that comes with the spell that she’s usually so enamoured by.

          this is a fight for survival.

          the countdown ends and she shuts her eyes tight as the familiar swooping feeling returns to her stomach. she hears a scream from the opposite side of the room, but doesn’t open her eyes to investigate. she doesn’t want to see them.

[adelesbian]

Continuation of this One-Shot

You can find this on Ao3 here

Amadeus woke up early to the sun coming through Robbie’s window. Robbie laid on Amadeus’s chest sleeping quietly. Amadeus didn’t dare move. God, he was hot.

“You can stop holding your breath. I’m up,” Robbie said opening his green eye.

“I was breathing,” Amadeus said.

Robbie nodded his head and sat up. “You don’t go to church to you?” he asked.

Amadeus shook his head. He hadn’t been to church since his parents died. It just felt wrong to go without them.

“Good, neither do I. You want breakfast?”

“Yeah, but I eat too much for you to feed me,” Amadeus said, “I can take you and Gabe out to eat if you want.”

“Gabe’ll like that,” Robbie said.

“I have to piss,” Amadeus said patting Robbie’s shoulder to warn him he was about to move him if he didn’t move. Robbie let him shove him off of him mainly because he liked how strong Amadeus was.

Amadeus went to the bathroom. His mind was on going to church with his parents and Maddy. He missed them, especially Maddy. Maybe it was because he could go see her but felt that she didn’t want to see him that made it so tough. It didn’t matter anyway, she made it clear she didn’t want to see him. He only made things worse.

He splashed his face with water after washing his hands then looked up in the mirror. He almost fell back into Robbie’s bathtub in shock at what he saw. Instead of his reflection, there was a shadowy figure made of flames and darkness. It spoke.

“Don’t scream,” it said and somehow Amadeus’s tongue was held.

“What are you?” Amadeus asked.

“You lost everything when your house blew up,” it hissed. “I bet there was something in there you wanted.”

“Shut up,” Amadeus said covering his ears instinctively.

“I could let you get something,” it hissed through his hands. “You could even choose it out. Wouldn’t that be nice?”

Amadeus looked up his mind flicking to a million things he would have taken from the house including his parents. “Fine, what do I have to do?” he asked.

“This is a free taste. The next part will be for a price,” it hissed.

Amadeus narrowed his eyes, but he agreed. He would do anything to see his parents again. Suddenly he felt like he was sinking through the floor. He squeezed his eyes shut and the world swam around him until he landed hard on the floor. He opened his eyes seeing familiar walls and pictures. His heart stopped as he looked up. His mother was in the kitchen finishing dinner. He stood up and went to her reaching out to hug her, but he couldn’t reach her like she was always out of reach.

“You can’t touch her.”

“Umma,” Amadeus said letting out a sob wishing that he could hug her again, but he couldn’t all he could do was look at her.

“Tic Toc, your time is running out to pick something.”

Amadeus finally tore his eyes off of his mother and started searching the house for something that meant something to him. There were so many things that he almost reached for but didn’t grab. He passed through the hall into the living room and his father was sitting on the couch reading. His chest tightened.

“Appa,” Amadeus said strangling out a sob.

“Hurry up. You only have four more minutes until this place goes up in smoke.”

Amadeus looked around the room until he saw on his father’s desk a beaten copy of the family bible. It was in Korean and had his parents and his and Maddy’s names written in the front inside cover. His hand drifted to it gently turning the pages as memories of his mother reading it to him out loud resurfaced. He remembered sitting in his dad’s lap and reading from it very badly as his father urged him on. He clasped the book to his chest and closed his eyes as hot tears ran down his face. God, he missed them. He missed them more than anything.

“Amadeus, are you okay in there?”

Amadeus opened his eyes and saw that he was back in Robbie’s bathroom clutching the bible to his chest as tears streamed down his face. “I’m fine,” he said his voice shaking unintentionally.

“Are you done? Gabe has to go to the bathroom,” Robbie said.

“Yeah, give me one minute,” Amadeus said wiping his face down and hugging the bible to his chest. He looked in the mirror once more and the shadowy figure smiled at him.

“We’ll talk again,” it said then it disappeared.

Amadeus slipped out of the bathroom hiding the book behind him. Robbie stared at him with furrowed brows. He wondered if he knew.

“Eli was going crazy. What happened in there?” Robbie asked.

“I thought about my parents and had to cry for a bit,” Amadeus said only lying a little bit.

Robbie stared at him for a moment and reach towards him pulling his head down to kiss him gently. “I understand,” he said pulling away.

Amadeus stared at him for a moment wanting to press him into the wall and kiss him until they were both gasping for breath, but Gabe was in the bathroom and he was still hiding the bible behind his back. Amadeus smiled and pecked him on the nose. “You’re hot when you care,” he said.

Robbie smiled and slipped his hands around Amadeus’s waist. “What’re you hiding behind you back?” he asked.

“I’m stealing one of your jackets,” Amadeus lied.

Robbie stared at him for a moment. “You’re way bigger than me,” he said.

“You think that’ll stop me,” he said leaning down to kiss Robbie, but Robbie put his fingers on his lips.

“Gabe's gonna be out in a moment,” he said.

“So, Gabe's not gonna know about us?” Amadeus asked.

“Not yet,” Robbie said, “not until I know.”

Amadeus almost asked him what he needed to know, but Gabe got out of the restroom before he could. He slipped out to his car to put the bible in the trunk then grabbed a change of clothes he had in there as well. He stared into the back of his car thinking about how close he was to his family, his mom and dad were within his reach. He could have grabbed them. He could have held them again. He slammed the trunk and walked around to the front seeing the dark figure instead of his reflection in the windows.

Gabe was in the living room when he walked in. “Robbie said you're taking us to breakfast,” he said smiling.

“Yeah, where’s Robbie?” he asked.

“Bathroom,” Gabe replied.

Amadeus nodded his head and went to change in Robbie's bedroom. He was putting his pants on when Robbie came in. He looked him up and down and smiled. “Where'd you get all that?” he asked.

“I told you, I have an active sex life,” Amadeus said, “and I ruined a lot of clothes in fights.”

“I don't know why I'm surprised how cut you are,” Robbie said.

Amadeus smiled. “Thanks, I got it from absorbing gamma radiation,” he said laughing.

“That easy,” Robbie said laughing and sitting on the bed next to him.

“The only problem is I can’t turn back,” Amadeus said turning so that he was closer to Robbie.

“That's a problem?” Robbie asked staring into Amadeus's eyes. God, Robbie’s eyes were beautiful.

“Not really,” Amadeus said slowly rolling on top of Robbie so that he was under his weight never breaking eye contact. Robbie ran his hands up Amadeus’s chest as he leaned down to kiss him. He placed his hands on either side of Robbie’s ears.

“Fuck,” Robbie said when Amadeus finally came up for air.

Amadeus smiled and played with his hair gently running his fingers through his streak for a few seconds before remembering that he needed to get dressed. He just finished pulling on his shirt when Robbie tackled him, kissing him hot and heavy. Amadeus tried to think of anything other than how much he wanted to fuck Robbie right now. He did calculations as Robbie sucked on his neck seemingly doing his best to make him think of only him.

“Fuck, stop, please,” Amadeus said pushing Robbie away. He was calculating the force he used to push Robbie away as well as numerous other equations to get his mind off of how hard he was.

Robbie smiled pleased with himself. “Come on, let's get breakfast,” he said laughing at Amadeus's inner turmoil over willing away his erection.

“I hate you,” Amadeus said running his fingers through his hair trying to cool down.

“No, you don’t,” Robbie said kissing him on the cheek.

“No, I don’t,” Amadeus said kissing Robbie’s nose.

Robbie walked out of his bedroom to get Gabe, and Amadeus lingered for a moment just to think of anything other than Robbie's lips. He rubbed his face with his hand and joined Gabe and Robbie in the living room.

“Okay, what are we getting for breakfast?” Amadeus asked.

“Pancakes!” Gabe exclaimed.

“Sounds good,” Robbie said grabbing for his keys.

“Can we go in your car?” Gabe asked Amadeus. “Can we fly there?”

Amadeus laughed. “Sure,” he said clicking the screen on his watch.

Robbie’s brow furrowed. “I’d love to look under the hood of your car sometime,” he said.

Amadeus puffed out his cheeks. “Yeah, definitely,” he said reluctantly. God, he did not want to hear the grief he would get when Robbie finally had a chance to look inside.

Amadeus helped Gabe into the car and put his wheelchair into the back. His eyes caught sight of the family bible in the back, and he reached down to touch it for a second. He sighed and got into the driver’s seat.

Gabe leaned as far forward as he could hitting Robbie’s shoulder. “We’re gonna fly!” he exclaimed.

Amadeus smiled and clicked a button. “Make sure you’re buckled up,” he said as the engine hummed quietly. He pulled back on the steering wheel, and the car lifted off of the ground and into the sky. Gabe pressed his fingers to the window and exclaimed in delight.

“Do you know where you’re going?” Robbie asked smiling for a moment.

“Tell me a place that serves pancakes and we’ll go there,” Amadeus said, “or if you aren’t quick we’re going to IHOP.”

“IHOP!” Gabe exclaimed.

Amadeus laughed and glanced over at Robbie. Robbie shrugged, and Amadeus clicked a button on the screen where the radio would be had it been an original 1959 Dodge Coronet. He asked for the nearest IHOP then got directions to it (which just pointed him in the right direction since the car flew).

The arrival of a flying car caused quite the scene at the IHOP. People recorded Amadeus landing it gently in a parking spot (which took quite a bit of dexterity since it was much harder than parking regularly). Amadeus got out and got Gabe’s wheelchair out of the trunk and helped Gabe into it listening to Gabe’s excited chatter. They went inside and ordered way too many pancakes and ate until they were full. Amadeus couldn’t help but smile at Robbie and Gabe’s relationship. It made him miss Maddy.

Robbie caught Amadeus staring at him. “What?” he asked jokingly aggressive.

“It’s nice how you two act around each other,” Amadeus said.

“Are you an only child or something?” Robbie asked.

“What? No. I have a little sister,” Amadeus said. “Her name’s Maddy, and she won’t talk to me right now.”

“Why not?” Gabe asked taking a huge bite out of his pancakes.

Amadeus shrugged. “I let the Hulk control me and because of that I pushed her away,” he said.

Robbie’s face softened. “I know what that’s like,” he said quietly. Amadeus wished he knew what he was thinking.

“I’d do anything for her, and right now I have to leave her alone,” Amadeus said, “which sucks.”

Silence stretched between them for a short time, but Gabe happily filled it with chatter. He had a million questions about the Champions, the old Hulk, Hercules, what Iron Man was like (Amadeus lied through his teeth and sung his praises)... It was strangely comforting to hang out with Robbie and Gabe, but it also reminded him how desperately he missed his own family.

When they finally went home after eating as many pancakes as they could, Robbie pulled Amadeus to the side where Gabe couldn’t see him. He kissed him slowly, softly then drew away. “I think, I might be okay with dating you,” Robbie said.

Amadeus smiled widely and kissed Robbie, but he was much more fierce. “Do you mean it?” he asked finally pulling away.

“Yeah,” Robbie said, “you get along with Gabe, and that’s the most important thing to me.”

Amadeus’s brow furrowed, and he took a step back to give Robbie room. “I don’t want you to just settle for me,” he said, “I want you to be completely and totally certain that you want to be with me before you decide. I can wait.”

Robbie smiled and kissed Amadeus again. “I thought you rushed into things,” he said.

“No, I don’t,” Amadeus said.

“Yes, you do.”

[immabakedpotato]

I am going to explode

I carry so many secrets. So many secrets that are not mine, secrets that I cling onto for the mere safety of my family and the man that I love. So many secrets that I just feel like I am going to vomit words every time someone (even a stranger) asks me about my life. I am at a breaking point where I do not care what happens, I do not want to live in fear anymore. The anxiety. My knuckles white from holding onto something for so long that has proven to me time and time again...isn’t going to change. I don’t know why I do it, other than to protect my image and to protect his. Possibly because I know how much easier it is to just stay quiet and lay low. Because I know it would be so much harder financially and emotionally to raise these kids without him. Even though he is the reason I am so full of secrets, anger, and pain. 

I remember the first time he hit me. I was laying in our bed, heavily pregnant with our first child. I had found out he had lied to me about going to see a friend and using drugs. I confronted him. I was angry, hurt, and confused. The man that I loved had lied to me, and gone and gotten high while lying to my face. I held onto my stomach and wondered what kind of life I was setting up for my daughter. We were arguing. I rolled over to face the wall because I couldn’t stand to look at him, my hot tears streaming down my face and onto my pillow. Bam. He punched me, hard, in the back. I sucked in a gasp, tears falling harder now. It honestly didn’t hurt very much, even though I could tell he meant to. What hurt the most was the fact that he would do that.....to me. The woman who he supposedly loved, pregnant with his child, and he fucking punched me. I was almost in pure disbelief at that point. I think that was the first solid time that I saw who he really was, underneath the charade that he projects to keep me in his good graces. That was the first time I saw who he truly was. And you know what I did? I cried. He left the room in anger after he hit me, and I just laid there and cried. Helpless, trapped. Broken. Shattered.

Then you know what I did? I reasoned with what happened in my mind. “It’s because he’s an addict, it’s not who he truly is. It’s because he is stressed out. It’s because I pushed him too far.”

Always reasoning with the devil.

Now it’s been nearly 5 years, and I’m still with him. I am so full of anger and resentment but I am a trapped fucking animal. I can’t leave him because he literally will not let me. I’ve even cheated on him a few times and he just welcomed me back with open arms, because he needs me. And honestly, I have no idea as for why he does. He does most of the cleaning in the house, he is good to the kids, he is always going out of his way to make sure I have what I want/need. But I think I’ve realized something lately.

He does this PURPOSEFULLY. Not out of the kindness of his heart, or out of his love for me and our children. He goes out of his way to do these things as leverage. Because he knows there is a great amount of shitty things stacked up against him that he’s done, and he knows that he needs to have something to use against me when I threaten to leave him. I know because he does it every time I try to leave, holds it over my head. 

I am depressed and I am always trying to run away from my feelings, my true feelings. Always trying to keep my mask neat and tidy and stable, because beneath it I am just a shriveled up and used dead person. I feel all my emotions I show are fake and hollow, and it has given me anxiety thinking that other people can see that. I also get easily winded when socializing with people because I can’t show my true face. I can’t scream to the world the injustice that this man has given me, the pain he has caused or the constant broken-ness I wallow in. I can’t show it. 

It’s to the point where I cannot fully give myself to my children. I am constantly tired and overstimulated and unable to be emotionally available for my kids and that breaks my heart because if anything, they need me. Not him. Yet I still keep letting him walk all over me. Yet I still let him use me like I am a wet napkin. 

Yet I am still here.

Because I am stuck. I have nowhere else to go. If I were to get a job, we would lose our assistance on our house, for our food. And recently I just lost my car, my one shred of what made me feel like I could escape if I truly needed to. Now I don’t have that safety, I can’t run. I am literally a trapped animal feeling the need to chew my own leg off to escape. I can’t though. I have my kids. I know he would never hurt them but I can’t trust him to stay sober to be able to keep the ground from shaking under them because he hasn’t been able to do that for me. 

There are moments where I wish I could just dissipate. Evaporate. Cease to exist. I wonder why I was born, to live this life of turmoil and pain like my mother before me. Am I cursed? Was this my destiny, my set path? 

He fell before me like an angel, whisked me away from the life I thought I hated and gave me a new one. I thought I wanted that. Until I found out about the drugs. I thought, okay, well he can just get over it right? Everything will be settled before our daughter is born, he will love her and I enough to be able to change. I was so wrong.

During my pregnancy with my daughter (our first born) he lied to me about going to get his paycheck at a pot farm. Seems like a completely normal circumstance for the most part, going to pick up a paycheck and what not. Except it was at midnight (big red flag right there) and I knew he was up to no good. But he swore up and down that it was all legit. He never came home. Got a call from a police officer saying they found him in my car with some of his drug buddies and they had heroin on them. I felt the world crumble under me. My car was impounded. I couldn’t get it out. Then I was homeless because the people we were roommating with said his behaviour was not acceptable (completely understandable). So I literally lost everything with just one of his bad decisions. 

And I have continued to lose everything because of his bad decisions. Including my self worth, my dignity, my ability to stand up for myself. Whenever I stand up for myself, he gets pissed. We have a war. In front of the kids, I’m sure the neighbors hear it too. It gets bloody. I am so sick of it. The cycle, the lies, the deceit. I just want to run away from it all. I want to have never have met him. I want to never have even been in the same town as him. 

I want to end it all.

[leggiamo]

Undone, Chapter XII

I see it in his smile.

I see it in his eyes.

I hear it in his laugh.

I feel it when he touches me.

I taste it when he kisses me.

That “it” that I can use all of my senses to recognize is the love that he admitted he feels for me. He doesn’t always need to say it because I know that it’s there, and I still haven’t figured out how to react to it.

Hearing him tell me that he loves me that first time reversed the direction that my world rotated on its axis. Those were words that I never heard uttered by anyone other than family. No one else had even gotten close enough to me for them to even get the opportunity to develop such strong feelings for me.

I thought about this as I watched him walk back and forth from his closet to the bed as he tried deciding on something to wear. Those words were still pinging around somewhere in the back of my mind.

I rested my head on my knuckles and felt a small smile inexplicably creep up on my face.

“All of these look the same,” I teased.

He stopped with one pair of trousers hanging over his arm and gave me an unamused look. “Shut up.”

I laughed and watched him lay the trousers out beside another pair and a few of the shirts he pulled. When he disappeared to look for shoes, I sat up and crawled toward his display. I started to rearrange things to my liking and he just watched me when he came back with a couple of pairs of shoes.

“I like this one,” I said as I folded a black jacket over a white shirt. “It’s classic black and simple. You’ll look like a fine piece of ass no matter who wins.”

“No matter who wins?” he asked with an uplifted brow. “You don’t think I’m going to win?”

I rolled my eyes. “Did I say that?”

I climbed off of his bed and walked over to him. I took the shoes that he had in hand and set them down on the ground by our feet. My arms locked around his waist and I leaned back into his when he mirrored my actions. I could locate a smile in his eyes that I couldn’t see on his face. He gave me two quick pecks when I puckered my lips.

“I thought you already knew that I’m always rooting for you, Ronaldo,” I said with a wink. “Even if you don’t win you’ll still get to go home with me, so technically, you’d still be the winner.”

“Does this mean you’re coming with me, then?”

I remembered not having an answer for him when he first asked me. I remembered the look of disappointment that he tried to hide from me. For some reason, even though we had long since gone public with our relationship and gone out and been photographed together on numerous occasions, going to a highly publicized event with him fucking terrified me.

This still wasn’t a lifestyle that I was accustomed to. I grew up in a cozily crowded house by the sea where it was quiet and all of our neighbors knew each other well.

Here, I experienced none of that quiet closeness. Here, I was his girlfriend who was previously and rather frequently seen with his teammate, my relationship with whom was often the topic of speculation.

I sighed. “Yes, I’m coming with you.”

I saw it in his smile and I could taste it in his kiss. This man loved me and God only knew why.

My stomach was in knots. One loop after the other pulled tightly and looped around over and over again. It was hard to breathe; one minute I was too hot and the next I was fine. Those knots never loosened; all they ever did was tighten.

I watched him get dressed as I sat with my back against the headboard. My hair and makeup were both done. My shoes were already out of my suitcase and my dress was hanging up in the closet on the far side of the room. I basically begged him not to buy me another dress but he insisted.

I wanted to get dressed but I was paralyzed, stuck sinking into the firm hotel mattress as the world seemed to speed up around me with no concern for my moment of turmoil. Even Cris was unaware that I was silently struggling to coach myself through breathing.

Why was I so afraid of showing up at a public event with him? What was so scary about showing up to support him when I had already done it so many times before? The flashing lights and cameras almost never fazed me all those times before, so what exactly was so different about today?

“Isla,” he called softly. “Where are you right now?”

I cleared my throat. Unable to breathe, I choked out, “I don’t know.”

His smile was delicate and his eyes showed understanding; I didn’t stop to consider that he might be nervous as well, even if deep down he already knew what to expect.

He left his bowtie hanging untied around his neck as he abandoned it to come to me. I reached out and tied it for him, though my shaking hands made it more difficult than it should have been. He watched patiently, but I didn’t dare look up to catch his sympathetic gaze.

“Are you nervous?”

I pulled his bowtie tight and nodded.

“Can you look at me please?” he asked. I pursed my lips and slowly let my eyes rise to meet his. “That’s better… do you know why?”

“No,” I sighed.

“Can I make it better?”

I shrugged and he gave a doubtful look. When he raised an eyebrow, I chuckled, “Perhaps. I don’t know; I’m sure I’ll get over it.”

“Yeah? You sure?”

“I’m sure,” I breathed out. “Just let me get into this gown before I freak out too much to go.”

He failed at keeping a poker face as an obviously mischievous idea occurred to him. Before I could scoot away, I was in his arms, being lifted from the bed and set on my feet. He steered me in the direction of the closet and kept a tight arm around my waist as he pulled my dress off the bar. I laughed softly as we walked back to the bed together with awkward steps as he kept me pinned to him.

Once he set my dress down on the bed, he took it upon himself to grab hold of the bottom of my shirt and lift it up.

“Arms up,” he said, his voice quiet but authoritative.

My bottom lip quivered as I held back a laugh. Cristiano kissed his teeth and dropped my shirt to lift my arms above my head. I kept them up as he went back to lifting my shirt from my body.

The heather grey tee dangled from his hand as I reached for my dress. It was black, sleek, and simple with long sleeves that hung off my shoulders; for a last minute purchase, it did the job. He watched my dress, neither a smile nor frown beneath his thoughtful gaze. When we were both ready, we met a hired car downstairs.

Knowing what awaited us when we pulled up to the venue made my heart race. Before he opened the door, Cris kissed my shoulder, then my lips. Unlike before, when we shared that kiss outside of my parents’ house, his kiss didn’t gently warm my cold body and soul; his kiss slingshotted me off into the beyond. I was set ablaze.

He did something to me that was entirely inexplicable.

The entire walk across the carpet, Cristiano held my hand, keeping it from shaking as he intertwined his fingers with mine. Bright lights and camera flashes left my vision spotty, but I did my best not to look overwhelmed in order to give everyone a good enough picture.

It still felt weird to hear people calling out my name after his to get me to look into their lenses as I shook hands with multiple vaguely familiar faces. I accepted customary kisses on the cheeks as I wondered how long it would be before I could sit down and breathe.

As I stood off to the side while photographers got shots of him alone, I tried to keep a soft smile on my face. I looked off to the side and saw Sergio walking up. We both noticed each other at the same time and he winked when he caught my eye, which made me feel slightly relieved.

He walked behind Cris who was having a brief chat with someone on the other side of the barrier.

“You look like you want to bolt out of here,” he laughed as he pressed a harmless hand to my waist.

I watched Cris look over his shoulder briefly as Sergio kissed my cheek before turning away. The way his eyes narrowed slightly, so quickly, before they went back to normal made me feel less at ease once again.

“I’m barely holding it together,” I muttered.

I smiled at Pilar who stepped out from behind Sergio to make sure she was seen. Truthfully, I was still vaguely embarrassed about our first run-in, and the way her eyes seemed to be peering into me as she sized me up told me she hadn’t forgotten. The two walked along after Sergio said something along the lines of, “catch you later.”

Not too long after, Cristiano wrapped up and we continued walking along until, finally, we found ourselves in a calmer area. I took a deep breath and finally relaxed just a bit more despite the fact that he hadn’t said anything to me. Before we actually stepped into the event room, I placed my hand on his elbow.

“Is everything okay?”

He pecked my lips. “Yeah.”

I wasn’t convinced but I didn’t want to push him. We walked in together, but I was disappointed to learn that we wouldn’t actually be sitting together. My anxiety almost bubbled up again until I realized I happened to be seated beside Nagore by utter chance.

“You definitely should have taken those nips in the hotel fridge,” she said, looking me up and down as she shook her head.

I huffed and planted myself in the uncomfortable seat. “I just had Sergio’s girlfriend stare into my soul so I feel a little exposed.”

Nagore looked around carefully. “He actually brought her?”

“Well, they are dating so, yeah. Of course he came with her.”

Something about the face she made actually caused me to laugh. She kept me going throughout the whole ceremony. I was no longer completely nervous, at least not for myself.

When they finally got around to announcing the main event, I crossed my fingers and put my hands under my thighs. I held my breath and waited as a silence fell over the entire room. It was quiet enough to hear someone in the far corner trying to suppress a cough.

I released my breath when it wasn’t his name that was called out.

“Next year,” Nagore whispered to me.

I wouldn’t hold my breath when I wasn’t sure I’d still be around in a year’s time. It’s not that I wanted things to end; I just wasn’t confident that this would last. After all, I still found it hard to believe that I had even made it to a year in a committed relationship. This was nowhere near what I expected to become of my life when I first boarded that plane to Madrid.

I cleared my throat. “Right.”

Everyone started to get up and move about once the ceremony concluded, but I stayed in my seat. Nagore patted me on the shoulder on the way out, but I couldn’t react. I wasn’t going to move until I saw Cristiano. I couldn’t explain why my heart had started to race again or why my palms were growing damp.

It felt like most of the room had cleared out before he came and found me. I tried my hand at a smile to match his but ultimately failed.

Our arms interlocked perfectly as we walked out through a large set of doors. He preferred to keep his silence the entire time until we made it to the after-dinner portion of the night. We were some of the last to arrive, but I still managed to end up beside Nagore once again. Other familiar faces were either at the same table or close by—including Pilar, much to my chagrin.

“I don’t want to look up in case she tries to steal my soul again,” I muttered to Nagore.

In response, she pushed my untouched glass of wine closer to my hand. She raised her eyebrows and waited until I brought the glass up to take a sip. I was sick of only having access to glorified grape juice, but at this point, I’d take whatever I could get.

I caught Cris’s eye over the rim of the glass as he walked toward the table. He had gotten caught up in some small talk when we first walked in and was only just returning to me.

“What are you drinking tonight?” he asked as he wiped the corner of my lips and brought his thumb to his mouth.

My stomach tightened as desire spread from my gut to the apex of my thighs. The tips of my ears blazed when I remembered we were surrounded by others that bore witness to his thoughtless action.

“I couldn’t tell you; Nagore just pushed it into my face.”

We both looked over at her and she shrugged innocently. There was a mischievous, knowing twinkle in her eyes that she tried to hide as she turned away.

“Did I tell you how beautiful you look tonight?” His smirk was telling.

“What did you do?”

“Nothing,” he laughed. My heart beat just a bit faster when he took hold of my hand. “I’m just happy you decided to come.”

He was being genuine; my decision to come meant more to him than I could understand. Somewhere in the back of my mind, the memory of him confessing his love started echoing loudly. How open we were being in front of others made me feel so exposed. He had this brightness in his eyes as if he had actually won that award tonight.

Someone from the end of the table piped up, “Are you planning on sharing Isla with the rest of us now?”

“Nah,” Cris said with a shrug. “I’m a little too selfish for that.”

There were a few laughs that did nothing to make me feel less exposed. I could see the smirk that Nagore tried to hide by taking a sip of her drink. She hadn’t seen us, seen me, act like this around each other before and I could tell she would have something to say somewhere down the line.

I was much more aware of observing eyes when Cris pressed his lips to my temple in a tender display of affection. He was explicitly showing off what was his.

I excused myself from the table to find the restroom. I wanted nothing more at this moment than to be back home, back at my apartment, and in my bed away from Cristiano. I needed a moment to exist in my own domain; I needed a break from him and his love so that I could think clearly.

I needed a break from what I felt when I was around him before it overwhelmed me.

Was that even something that I was allowed? Could I take some time away from the man I decided to commit myself to? This is a relationship, not a work project, but I still needed to take a step back before I got washed away.

As I washed my hands, I took a look at the woman in the mirror. If I had seen this reflection of myself, expensive dress and the glint of being infatuated with a man—one named Cristiano Ronaldo, no less—I’d never recognize her. It made me wonder: was all of this meant to happen or did I take a wrong turn off of the path that I was supposed to follow?

The door swung shut behind me as I stepped back out into the hall.

“Oh, Isla, hang on!” Came the call from over my shoulder.

I stopped mid-step and waited for Sergio to catch up to me. I was surprised he was allowed to walk around without Pilar on his arm while I was roaming about.

“I didn’t say anything before because your girlfriend was literally staring a hole into me, but what in the everloving fuck is going on with your bowtie? Is it supposed to look like that?”

He shrugged. “Yeah.”

I narrowed my eyes at the bowtie’s ends. They looked as though they were supposed to be longer and thinner than they were. “Are you sure?”

He gave me a look of annoyance. “Did you give Cristiano this much shit about what he’s wearing?”

“No,” I said matter-of-factly, “because I picked out his clothes and tied his bowtie for him.”

Sergio scoffed and moved to start walking but stopped himself. By the look on his face, I could tell our conversation was about to head into a delicate place that I didn’t want to go, especially not here.

So, I started to walk away only to have Sergio stop me by gently wrapping his hand around my arm.

“You remember that day I called you in the middle of the night and told you that I missed you?” I asked softly. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Sergio nod. “I do miss hanging out with you and everything, but I especially miss the lack of complication with everything that we did.”

I shook his hand off of my arm and turned to face him. Behind that pensive, vaguely confused look, I knew he actually understood what I meant.

“What are you—”

“We finally had sex and he told me he loved me afterward.”

“Oh, wow,” he breathed, his eyes widening as he processed my words. “Whoa.”

I nodded and started to walk off again. I was aware of how long I had been gone now and I needed to get back.

Before I got too far, I stopped and turned around to face Sergio again.

“Did something happen between you two that day? Xabi mentioned you seemed a little tense around each other.”

“Um—” Sergio scratched his head and looked over my shoulder. “—not quite.”

“Not quite?” I scoffed.

I shook my head and stomped off. If he didn’t want to be straight with me either, fine. I would just have to ask Cristiano after all. And if it turned out that he also refused to give me an answer then… I wasn’t entirely sure what I’d do.

From the angle that I approached the table, Cris was able to see me clearly. And if he could see me, he could also see Sergio. His upturned lips twitched into an almost indiscernible scowl after Sergio stepped out from behind me and directly into his line of sight.

Suddenly, I wanted to be as far away from everyone as possible, including Sergio and the man that supposedly loved me. Seeing as I couldn’t escape at this very moment, I took my seat next to Cris. When Sergio sat down, he took my hand in his and made a show of kissing my knuckles. This time, the gesture didn’t make me blush.

I leaned into him. “What are you doing?”

“Nothing,” he answered, his expression as nonchalant as his tone.

“Really? Because to me it looks like you’re marking your territory like a dog with his balls still intact,” I whispered through my teeth.

I allowed him to continue holding my hand for as long as he needed to flaunt our very obvious relationship. I brooded over my glass of wine, wishing I could replace it with a pint or something a little stronger. For the remainder of the night, I said nothing; when it was time for goodbyes I offered nothing but false smiles and kisses on the cheek.

While he allowed my silence to persist in public, once we were back in the hotel and back-to-back in the bed, he finally spoke up.

“I can’t go to sleep with you mad at me.”

“Who said I was mad?” I snapped.

Judging by the silence that fell between us, I figured he had been taken aback by my tone. A year and some change and I had never even caught the slightest attitude with him. Before now, we hadn’t even gotten into a serious argument. It goes without saying that the only one that had taken the brunt of my anger before now had been Sergio.

“You haven’t said anything in hours and you really just snapped at me.” The mattress bowed under his weight as he turned over. “You don’t even want to fall asleep facing me.”

“Your back was to me, too.”

“That’s not—” He breathed deeply through his nose and softly spoke, “Can you please face me and tell me what’s going on?”

I clenched my jaw as I stared into the darkness. The curtains were drawn in front of the windows but the smallest bit of light still seeped in. I reluctantly turned over to face his silhouette but I didn’t even bother looking him in the face.

“Isla,” he urged.

I sat up abruptly and reached toward the bedside table to turn on the lamp. “Fine. I’m not quite mad, ok? I’m frustrated because no one is giving me a straight answer and you’re acting weird.”

“What do you mean?” he asked carefully, sitting up as well. I could feel his eyes on me but I continued staring straight ahead, flexing my jaw. “An answer for what?”

“What the fuck happened between you and Sergio the other day that made you respond so negatively whenever he and I interacted tonight?”

“Nothing—”

“No,” I interrupted, turning to him as I wagged my finger. “You are not going to bullshit me like that. I understand Xabi not wanting to get involved, and I even vaguely understand Sergio not giving me a straight answer, but I will not accept this shit from you.”

I made a sound of disbelief when I heard him chuckle quietly. He leaned back against the wall and gave me a look of disinterest that made something in me tick.

“I asked him a question and I didn’t like his response.”

“You asked him a question?” I repeated incredulously. “You’re acting all pissy because of the way he answered a fucking question?”

“Aren’t you doing the same thing to me right now?”

My jaw fell open as I laughed out loud. I pushed my hair back as I looked at him with my eyes wide. That same disinterested look was in the shadow of his raised eyebrow.

“Whatever—whoever—this is speaking to me right now I just want to let you know that I don’t like it. You’re supposed to leave this machismo out on the field and not bring it into our relationship—”

“Oh, so we’re the ones in the relationship, right?”

My face screwed up into a look of confusion. “What the hell are you talking about?”

He smiled sarcastically. “I’ll ask you the same thing I asked him: what do you call him to talk about so late at night that you can’t talk to me about?”

“Seriously?” I rolled my eyes. Deep down I knew he would have had a problem with that phone call even if he tried to convince me otherwise. “If it bothered you why didn’t you say something that night instead of fixating on it?”

“Sergio told me you talked about your feelings but I don’t believe that.”

“How is it unbelievable that I talk to my friend about something like that? It’s not like I’ve hidden how I feel from you in any way.”

“Friend—” He nodded thoughtfully. “You know, there’s another question I asked him, and the answer that he gave for it was what I really didn’t like.”

Something about the look in his eyes as he thought back to this moment he apparently had with Sergio made me nervous. At this point, I didn’t know what I expected him to say. What I did know was that he expected me to ask him what that question was, but I didn’t want to open my mouth and find out; I was sure I wouldn’t like what he had to say.

“He just walked away,” he chuckled. “I asked him if he had any feelings for you because it’s not normal to me that he’d be on the phone with you so late. He just said ‘te patinan las neuronas’ and walked away.”

“Why would you—”

He cocked his head to the side. “What do you say to that?” he asked as he narrowed his eyes.

“W-why would I—” I heard myself swallow loudly as I choked on my words. “Why would I commit over a year of my life to you if I had feelings for someone else? I’m here with you because for the first time in my life, I want to be with someone like this.”

His expression softened briefly before he was back on guard. The fact that it felt like he was trying to catch me in a lie actually made me feel something I had never felt before now: hurt. I was terrified of my feelings for him, but I was also terrified of losing what we had because as far as I knew, what we had was something good.

“What else am I supposed to think when you continue to say nothing when I tell you that I love you but you run off to whisper to him on the phone?”

I shook my head slowly. “It’s not—I do—” I took a deep breath and reached over to place my hand on his cheek. “I’m new to this; I’m not even sure if I know what it feels like to be in love with someone. That’s what I talk to him about. Whatever I feel right now is something but I don’t know what to call it which is why I’m afraid to say it back.”

“Isla—”

“I don’t want to lie to you. I think it could be love, but I can’t say it until I know for certain.”

He nuzzled his cheek against my palm. “Why didn’t you just tell me this?”

“You frighten me,” I sighed. “No one has even come close to making me feel like this before.”

There was a gentle smile on his face that made my heart beat a little bit faster in its cage. Perhaps this effect that he had on me was part of what being in love felt like. Logic told me that everything that I felt could only be one thing; everything else was simply a matter of me being in denial. I wouldn’t still be here a year later if it wasn’t some form of love.

“I’ll wait,” he said softly, “but only because I can feel what you can’t use your words to say.”