Oct. 2012: "The Laundry Room"
Here's another one-act play I wrote for my drama class.
Again, the formatting is going to get a bit wonky, but I'll try to make it legible.
This is also on AO3, which might be more legible.
-----script follows---->
CHARACTERS
ADAM: Male, in his 20s or 30s, currently living in apartment one with three other bachelors his age. One of his roommates has a cat that he doesn’t mind. He has not yet completely worked out how to go about living an adult life, though he’s getting there. He very intelligent but usually needs to be roused out of routine in order to express it. He’s dressed casually, for laundry day, in a T-shirt and some sweatpants or pajama bottoms with sandals. His hair is tussled and he has the barest hint of stubble. He enters with a fistful of change (approximately $1.75).
JANIS: Female, in her 20s or 30s but slightly younger than ADAM, currently living in apartment two with a couple and a fellow bachelorette. One of her roommates has two cats that she loves. She is relatively new to independent, parent-free living, and she loves it. She’s quick and clever and prides herself on her smarts. She’s dressed casually for laundry day in a babydoll T-shirt, a pair of pajama bottoms, and some slippers. Her hair is in a careless ponytail. She enters carrying a white, plastic laundry basket full of clothes, particularly of undergarments, pantyhose, lingerie, nightgowns, and other such “intimate apparel.” The basket should also include lingerie bags (mesh bags for washing delicate items in).
JOHN: Male, in his 30s, currently living in apartment three, where he has lived for a few years now, with his girlfriend and her two bachelorette friends. His girlfriend has a cat that he wishes would stop puking on their rugs. He’s well-adjusted in his adult life, though his inner emotional and mental landscape is a bit warped, making him a difficult man to get close to or at least to get along with once one has gotten close to him. He’s a dreamer and has the attendant artistic streak of one who spends a great deal of time in rumination. He’s dressed in casual attire, wearing a pair of old blue jeans, a white tank top, an open flannel button-up, and a pair of ratty sneakers. His hair is well-kept and short, but clearly hasn’t been tended to on this particular day. He enters carrying a ratty black, mesh laundry hamper with holes in it, containing no clothes.
TIME & PLACE
The laundry room of ADAM, JANIS, and JOHN’s apartment building. It is a small square room, connected to a boiler room through an open doorway. The laundry room’s walls are a drab off-white, probably painted years ago, featuring only a light switch and the old brown, pretending-to-be-wood-but-isn’t-actually door. A production need not actually produce all of the walls, but it must include at least one. The only furniture is the washing machine and dryer, both of which are functional but clearly from an earlier decade. They sit side-by-side and should be arranged with their backs to the audience so that it is possible to see the actors’ faces at all times. Additionally, they should, at the beginning of the player, contain clothes: dry men’s clothes (darks) in the dryer and wet men’s clothes (lights) in the washer. The floor is cement with a small step up to the washer and dryer. The boiler room is considerably darker, with no apparent light source available, and the walls are made of old brick. The boiler and related accoutrement are all a couple of decades old, at least, but are fairly well-maintained. Near the doorway between the laundry room and boiler room, though definitely located within the boiler side, is a small, open, plastic trash can such as one might find in a kitchen or office. It is possible to see and reach the trash can from the laundry room without ever setting foot into the boiler room. Offstage, a pen, paper, and tape should be available for ADAM to retrieve and use early on in the play. The time is the present.
At Rise:
ADAM enters the laundry room, jingling some quarters in his hand, nonchalant and calm, just going about his day. HE glances up and takes in the laundry room and immediately expresses confusion. HE begins searching around the laundry room, opening and closing the machines, and even into the adjacent boiler room, clearly looking for something.
ADAM
The fuck...?
(HE searches a second time, less thoroughly and with more irritation.)
Where the fuck is it?
(HE slams one the dryer door shut.)
What kind of asshole steals a hamper?
(With a grumble, ADAM exits the laundry room. A beat. ADAM returns with a pen, paper, and tape. He writes: )
“To the person who took my shitty black hamper: WHY? Just leave it where you found it. Thank you.”
(ADAM uses an excessive amount of tape to stick this sign to a wall near the machines. HE surveys his handiwork and grunts.)
Okay...
(ADAM moves the office supplies to the floor, removes and cleans out the lint trap, drops the lint into the boiler room trash can, and unloads the dryer, putting all of his clothes on top of it. HE moves all of the clothes from the washing machine into the dryer, realizes he left his quarters in his apartment when he went to get the office supplies, grumbles. HE takes the office supplies and exits. A pause. JANIS enters the laundry room, with a white plastic hamper full of clothes. SHE hums to herself, notices the laundry room’s state of disarray, and sets her hamper down, considering. SHE notices the sign and mouths the words as she reads them.)
JANIS
Huh. (Pause.) That’s weird.
(SHE turns to the machines, considering them a moment, shrugs, and starts moving the clothes from the washing machine into the dryer. ADAM returns while she is doing this.)
Oh!
ADAM
Uh. Hi.
JANIS
Sorry, I was just, um... moving them.
ADAM
Yeah. Um, thanks. I’ll just do the rest.
(ADAM and JANIS attempt to get out of each other’s way, but only manage to inconvenience the other further. JANIS, trapped between the machines and her laundry basket, tries to laugh it off. SHE steps over her laundry basket and stands by the wall farthest from the machines to wait. ADAM starts changing moving his clothes from the washing machine to the dryer and putting in his quarters.)
JANIS
So, um, which one are you?
ADAM
Huh?
JANIS
Which apartment are you?
ADAM
Oh, I’m on the first floor. ...You?
JANIS
The second.
ADAM
(with subtle disdain)
Oh.
JANIS
(defensive)
Oh?
(ADAM slams the door on the dryer and starts putting his change into the machine with exaggerated interest. JANIS rolls her eyes and steps up to the washing machine to conduct her own business, which consists primarily of the usual process of putting clothes into the washing machine, but she separates very fine items, particularly bras, out as she goes, making a small stack. Once the dryer is running, ADAM considers his pile of dry clothes, realizing he doesn’t have a hamper to put them in. He sighs heavily, and starts folding them. A pause.)
JANIS
(Trying to be pleasant)
So I guess we’ve got a hamper thief on the loose, huh?
ADAM
(irritated about it)
Yeah. Who the fuck steals a hamper?
JANIS
(amused by the situation)
I dunno. That whole thing’s pretty weird.
(A pause.)
ADAM
Do you know anything about it?
JANIS
Hm? About what?
ADAM
About the hamper. I mean, you’ve clearly got your own, but did any of your roommates get a new one. It’d be one of those mesh ones. Black with some holes in it.
JANIS
Uh, not that I know of? I’m pretty sure the couple use a big green sack and Ira’s got a white mesh one, soooo...
ADAM
Damn. ...But if it’s not in your apartment, and it’s not in mine, then it’s gotta be in apartment three!
JANIS
I take it it’s your hamper then.
ADAM
What? Oh. Yes. It went missing a few minutes ago.
JANIS
And you already put up a sign?
ADAM
Uh, yeah. It’s my property. I’m in the middle of doing my laundry. I’d kind of like it back.
JANIS
Well sure, but, I mean, don’t you think that’s a little bit...overkill? No offense, but that sign comes off as kind of...
ADAM
What?
JANIS
Um... bitchy?
ADAM
Oh, thanks.
JANIS
Hey, I’m just saying—
ADAM
It’s fine!
(A beat during which ADAM finishes folding and rereads his sign and JANIS finishes putting things into the washer and starts putting her separated stack into little mesh wash bags.)
Aw...hell, it does.
JANIS
Sorry?
ADAM
It does sound kind of bitchy. The sign.
JANIS
Oh. Yeah. I mean, I get that it’s a shitty thing to have happen; you’re just minding your own business and BAM some dickhat decides to knick your stuff, but I dunno, if I was the dickhat then that sign would make me determined to never see that hamper in your hands again.
ADAM
Yeah, I get that. I guess I was just so pissed about it. I mean, it’s not like it’s even a nice hamper! If it was a nice hamper, I could sort of understand, y’know? Like, here’s a guy who doesn’t have a hamper of his own, and he comes across this nice one, all unattended-like, and he nabs it for himself. Okay, that makes some sense, but this one’s crap; it’s got holes in it! And he goes and takes that one? I mean, come on, that’s like he’s just trying to inconvenience me, not trying to get himself a free hamper. Why would he even want it?
JANIS
You clearly want it.
ADAM
That’s because it’s mine.
JANIS
Oh, sure, but you said yourself that it’s craptastic. Think of this as an opportunity to get a new model of higher quality and better operating standards.
(SHE grins and drops her lingerie bags into the machine. SHE adds her detergent, closes the lid, puts in her quarters, and starts it up.)
ADAM
(Oblivious to the setting.)
Yeah, I suppose so. Still, though. It’s mine.
JANIS
Funny how we get attached to things.
ADAM
What do you mean?
JANIS
Well, think about it. Here you are getting worked up over a laundry bag, which is a pretty meaningless object in and of itself. Sure, it’s practical, but you’d be hard pressed to really care about a laundry bag as opposed to say, a book or a particular blanket or a certain mug. Those things have personality, but this is just a laundry basket, just something you bought because you needed its convenience and something you’d probably never have thought twice about if it hadn’t gone rogue. Honestly, you were probably going to throw it out soon, get a new one.
ADAM
I had been planning on doing that. Somehow I just never got around to it.
JANIS
Right! And that’s sort of what I mean. We get these things, these practical items, and we use them and use them and never think about them, but then those things start to fall apart or someone steals them, and suddenly we’re all upset about it; we’re angry and we’re hurt and we don’t just want a laundry basket, we want our laundry basket. Suddenly it’s ours, suddenly it’s this old friend that we can’t bear to part with. And why? ‘Cause it’s not because we carried so much laundry in it. It’s got more to do with how we don’t have it anymore. I mean, I don’t know what to make of any of this, but you’ve gotta admit it’s pretty strange.
ADAM
Well, sure, but I think it’s got more to do with the violation of the thing, at least in this case. Like, it is such a stupid, dumb object, and that’s why it’s so offensive and unthinkable that some douche stole it. They’re not exactly expensive, this one, like you said, needs to get thrown out soon anyway... it’s just not something that anyone should want, but some idiot took it anyway. Why?
JANIS
‘Cause he needed one, I guess. I mean, maybe he figured you wouldn’t miss it. Or maybe he’s just borrow—
ADAM
Sssh! I think I hear someone on the stairs.
(They BOTH listen. It is clear from their faces that they hear someone. ADAM grabs JANIS’s wrist.)
(Harsh whisper) Come on!
(ADAM drags JANIS into the boiler room. They BOTH crouch in the darkness, on either side of the door frame, hidden from the laundry room’s view. JANIS starts to giggle but ADAM hushes her. JOHN tiptoes into the laundry room with ADAM’s black hamper in hand. His head swivels to ascertain that he’s the only one there. HE relaxes until he spots the stack of folded clothes. HE also spots the sign, and his posture, all in all, becomes very tense and cramped. He sets the hamper down in front of the dryer and he tiptoes out. A pause. ADAM and JANIS stand up and step back into the laundry room proper, ADAM leading the way. ADAM goes right to his old hamper, picks it up, and starts examining it. He sighs in relief.)
Thank god that’s over.
JANIS
Aren’t you the slightest bit curious?
ADAM
About what?
JANIS
About what that guy wanted with your laundry bag! I mean, I can’t even figure what would make stealing a laundry bag for less than an hour worthwhile. Every reason to take the bag that I can think of would really need you to take the bag for a few hours anyway. Was there anyone laundering down here with you before you discovered the bag was missing?
ADAM
No, I don’t think so. It was just me down here.
JANIS
Then why did he come down here? That’s definitely the guy from the third floor—he’s part of the couple that lives up there. You know, the one that always looks unhappy?
ADAM
I can’t say that I’ve ever really noticed them.
JANIS
Well, there’s a couple and at least one other girl living up there. They’re all super stompy—
(ADAM snorts.)
What?
ADAM
I—sorry, but—coming from you, from apartment number two? That’s rich. I mean, pot-kettle-black much?
JANIS
(indignant)
We’re not stompy!
ADAM
Uh, you kind of are. I mean, I don’t think it’s all of you, but at least one of you clomps around in some heavy-ass shoes pretty frequently, and then there’s that running noise—do you have pets?
JANIS
Well, yeah. We’ve got two cats. I think everyone in the building has cats this year.
ADAM
Well, we can hear the cats running around at four in the morning, y’know? I mean, you can’t do much about that, I get it. Oh, but the yowling. We can hear that too—God—your cats sound like people. Like, I woke up in the middle of the night once ‘cause I thought I heard someone calling out “Mom!” and the more I listened the more I realized it was coming from upstairs—from your apartment. I thought maybe someone was having a nightmare, but then it kept happening, night after night, and I finally realized it was a cat.
JANIS
Yeeeahh... I mean, they’re both old timers, thirteen. It’s not as old as cats can get, but they’re definitely at an age where they get disoriented if they wake up in a room alone or whatever. But I mean, they’re cats. There’s not much to be done about their fussing except try to make sure they’re comfortable.
ADAM
Oh, no, I understand that. We have a cat too, and I’m pretty sure she’d irritate the hell out of everyone in the building if we weren’t on the first floor. I guess I’m just saying cats are noisy.
JANIS
So is having people living on top of you, I guess. I’ve never heard your cat once, but I hear the neighbors’ scurrying a few times a day, plus their whole frankenboots thing that they’ve got going on. I mean, I understand that what I’m hearing is just something that’s always gonna happen when you’re living under somebody, but I guess I’ve never been under another apartment before. Up til now, I’ve always lived on the top floor, high above it all, and the only thing to complain about was when my neighbors had loud parties or the landlord was a dick, but now there’s none of that stuff ‘cause the landlord’s great and it’s a quiet neighborhood, which I love. I mean, that’s why we moved here; the building itself is a definite downgrade, but the location more than makes up for it. And we fixed it up pretty good, so even the downgrade’s not a big deal. But yeah, I get that it’s inevitable. I just sort of want to complain about it too.
ADAM
Well that’s sort of how I feel about you guys.
JANIS
What do you mean?
ADAM
Uh, well. You guys yell a lot. Like, there’s the inevitable stomping and there’s the cats running around—whatever—but then after six until like ten thirty on weekdays there’s just all this fucking yelling that goes on, and it makes no damn sense. Half of it’s, like, animal noises, just this bestial fucking yapping, and then the other half the time it sounds like you live with Batman as played by Christian Bale and it’s pretty obvious you guys talk across the house at each other. You guys just have no volume control at all, and like you were saying I sort of understand ‘cause I get rowdy with my friends too, and it’s fun, and I know if I were up there yelling and having fun with you guys, then I wouldn’t think twice about it, but at the same time I just wanna complain about the whole thing.
JANIS
So that’s why you made that face before. When I told you which apartment I’m in.
ADAM
Yeah. Sorry.
JANIS
No, it’s alright. I’d feel the same way if the situation was reversed. Honestly, I get kind of worried about how much we’re disturbing the rest of the building sometimes. Not enough to stop, obviously, but it happens.
ADAM
I guess maybe just tone it down a little? I mean, at this right, what are you gonna do when you actually need to yell about something? You won’t have the octave for it.
JANIS
(with a chuckle)
Now that’s true. We’d be pretty screwed then.
(A pause—JANIS and ADAM merely look at each other. BOTH catch themselves and start, looking away. ADAM realizes he has an empty hamper and a stack of clothes. HE hastily starts dropping the folded clothes into the hamper.)
ADAM
Um, so, which one of you is Batman?
JANIS
Oh, that’s Ira. She just does that voice for fun and one of my other roomies sort of encourages her in being noisy and rambunctious, so the two of them together are basically a giant noise machine. They’re pretty great, but they’re definitely not fit for public consumption, if you get what I mean.
ADAM
I think I do. Maybe they should become a two-man show, take it on the road.
JANIS
Hmmm, maybe, but I don’t think DC would appreciate the monetization of one of their primary character’s sometimes-gravelly voice. You’d pretty much lose half of the act right then and there.
ADAM
Yeah, I guess that’s pretty true.
(ADAM hefts his laundry bag. The fact that HE and JANIS have nothing left to do in the laundry room and, in fact, have not for some time becomes blindingly apparent to BOTH of them all at once. An awkward, tense beat.)
So, uh. I’m all set down here.
JANIS
Yeah. Me, too. Um...
ADAM
So...
JANIS
I’ll just follow you up. Here, let me get the door.
(JANIS opens and holds the door for ADAM.)
ADAM
Oh, thank you.
JANIS
So, what’s your living situation like?
ADAM
Well, all of us mostly stick to ourselves, except on weekends when we can get pretty rowdy.
(BOTH exit, leaving together and chatting as they go, their voices fading out as the go. A beat. JOHN enters the laundry room, slowly and cautiously as before, though less furtive this time. HE sees Janis’s laundry basket on the floor and picks it up. HE climbs on top of the running dryer and sits in a lotus position there, facing the audience. HE puts the basket on his head, upside down. A pause.)
JOHN
We didn’t have much when I was growing up. My brothers and I had a handful of toys between us, and my mum would throw them out if we upset her too much. She viewed toys as a privilege, not a right, and that offended our childhood sensibilities. But what can you do? Mother is law.
She was a lonely woman. Father had left long before my memory began, and I have always found the sound of women crying comforting because it is one of the first and most regular sounds to appear in my life—she was so alone—and I wanted so badly for her to be happy, to be comforted. My brothers and I could not be Father, but I liked to believe we were better than nothing. Probably we were. Probably she loved us very much. You could never tell with Mother. She was an obelisk, an idol, a statue of Hera carved of only the strictest marble. I think now that she must have done this to protect herself, to contain herself. She forced her entire emotional life into stillness so that she could make her way through an unhappy world that had no need for her and that she held no care for. I explained Mother to a therapist once and he said that she must have suffered from depression, that, untreated, she had developed her own coping mechanism, and it was to become a rock. I think this is too tidy, too quaint, too clean, too clinical an explanation of Mother, but I cannot deny, either, its accuracy. She was so lonely, but she was never alone, and I think that made her feel all the more isolated. People made her sad.
The only times when her outer casing broke were the times when she would ask us to help her with the chores. Certain chores we were simply to do on our own—taking out the garbage, cleaning our rooms, washing the windows, things like that—but each of us had our own special chore that we did with her and no one else ever, ever got to share that particular activity with her for any reason. Mine was the laundry. Every Sunday when most families would go to church, Mother and I would gather up all the laundry from all the hampers in the house and make a big pile of smelly clothes on the floor. We lived in a ranch style house, but it had its own little laundry room with cold tiles and warm air. We heaped up the clothes with all the ceremony of an incense-bearer, and we’d sort the clothes into Whites and Lights and Darks and Delicates in complete silence, communicating through signs and head shakes when necessary. We’d put the first load in the machine and then, once it was running, came the best part. Mother would slowly turn toward me, not saying anything, not a single expression on her face, then she would lean down and she would start tickling me and smiling. I had to try to resist laughing as long as I could because the longer I tried not to laugh, the broader her smile would get, and I wanted it to get so big that it became fixed, permanent as her nose or her eyes or her breath. Eventually, I would break and we would roll through our tidy, categorized piles, muddying them all up so that the Whites and the Lights—we always washed Darks first because there were more of them—became one large, oblong pile stretching across the cool floor, and I’d try to hide under hampers and laundry baskets, or I’d fling wadded up dryer sheets at her to fend her off, but always she’d get me and tickle me and cuddle me and kiss me on the head and laugh, she would laugh, and it was heavenly.
We would go on like this for the entirety of that first load of laundry. Once the buzzer went off, the spell ended, and I fixed up the laundry piles while Mother moved the Darks over to the dryer and started shoveling Lights into the washer instead. Things would go back to normal, almost so that you’d never have known that for one shining moment my Mother had loved me—as she must always have done, behind her teeth—and all was warm, filled with the scent of detergent.
I strive for lov—
(JOHN starts, apparently having heard something. HE takes the basket off of his head and hops off the dryer, dropping the basket back into its original position. HE hides in the boiler room. JANIS enters, calling up the stairs to ADAM.)
JANIS
Hold on just one second! I forgot my basket!
(SHE grabs the basket and moves to leave but stops, suddenly seeming suspicious of something.)
Hullo?
(A beat in which JOHN doesn’t answer.)
Huh.
(SHE takes a moment to pull Adam’s sign off the wall, crumpling it up and throwing it into the trash can, but without entering the boiler room. JOHN gives a start at this but remains silent. JANIS takes her leave, basket in hand, calling up to ADAM as she does so.)
Hey! When all this laundry’s done, do you wanna go get coffee maybe? The place on the corner is really cute! I don’t know if you’ve tried it?
(We barely hear, off stage, what sounds like an affirmative answer from ADAM. JOHN smiles to himself and the dryer purrs.)
--BLACKOUT--
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