#online university SUCKS and i am glad it is over for me

[cleargreyskies]

Online university lectures are mostly a thing of the past now, but my flatmate still has them and managed to express my kind of attitude toward them perfectly by introducing an idea that they had with “While I was just listening to my online lecture on bluetooth headphones while showering...”.

[makingspiritualityreal]

Lessons from my Anime Phase

Many years ago, before I matured into my spiritual journey, this used to be an anime blog. I don't regret this phase of my life, even though I completely outgrew it, because I believe it taught me something important.

The content of a creation is more important than the form. There is anime (sadly not as many as you would think) that is a good piece of art. There are regular movies that suck. These years taught me to look deep beyond the surface form and into the meaning of any creation. I'm still waiting for a movie as good at depicting the power of wishful thinking and self repression as Perfect Blue.

Supressing one's emotions leads to serious repercussions. One of the reasons some people find anime so weird is because it is literally an outlet for the collective mentality and emotionality of Japanese societal pressure. It feels exaggerated, but it is a reaction to the external forced numbness and politeness the Japanese society is plagued with. If you don't deal with how you feel regularly and don't express it and process it, if you don't make friends with your demons, you keep bubbling like a cauldron. It leads to having a very edgy, very draining life, not being present with yourself. It leads to not being able to function and ultimately making simple things feel like the end of the world.

Getting older is awesome. I would never come back to my past. Every morning felt like torture. Sometimes, even if life is never perfect, it moves you on in simpler ways that allow for balance. Establishment of healthy routines does wonders for mental peace. The Universe putting you in an environment where you can do that, after years of having that taken away from you, feels blissful. With time comes perspective and you can see your life shaping up and taking you somewhere. That allows you to approach the rest of your life with the same philosophy. I can read this post another 10 years into the future, and think wow, my life got even better. But at least now I am relaxed about it and don't overthink how every tiny little thing can go and I don't try to control or micromanage the future.

Youth is overrated. Hottness is overrated. Very few people really get to enjoy being young and hot, and those that do, are probably on Youtube's most watched list now. Being young and hot only pays off if you happen to be an artist, you're in a good film, or you're lucky enough to be in a music video. With those things, you build a legacy you will have forever. But most young women spend their youth and beauty on dating guys they wish they could forget in their 30s. At least I can say I spent it on spiritual growth, which I am really proud of. I was younger and "hotter" once, but paradoxically I feel like I'm becoming more beautiful. I had absolutely no benefits from being young and hot. I had no good relationships and everyone irl always criticized me for breathing. I never felt attractive. My highlights were compliments from my online friends, because noone around me actually thought well of me in my physical life. I'm married now, but this is my first serious adult relationship. I didn't have any good relationships that really appreciated my looks back then. So whatever has passed, hasn't really been used anyway. I was very insecure because I lived surrounded by unfair criticism from many people, who should have been supporting me but betrayed me. Maybe some people have fun in their youth, I honestly didn't. Moving away from all the people that made my youth something I'm glad to put behind me was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Being different growing up is hell for everybody, no matter what form it takes. Being an outcast is probably the number one debilitating thing that makes youth difficult. You have no role models, you have no support, you endure extra pressure. But over time, even those that are different end up finding their place, and they realise they were just different to people around them in their early environment, but they're not that different from the rest of the world.

[ohwyrd]

What did you think of the uni 2 arcade mode routes?

Hello I return after playing the uni 2 arcade mode routes.

take under cut

I hate them <3. World's most disappointing conclusion after a 4 year wait since the previous game and this isn't even just because there isn't a dedicated story mode . Ok now I will elaborate further.

Obviously I am not expecting a full story since they retired Chronicle mode entirely, and as a frame of reference I enjoy arcade mode story! I play kof games through arcade over and over to get story parts because I Like them and I enjoy seeing the perspective of different characters across the whole game. All this to say the story mode being put inside arcade mode is not the issue to me.

The part I hate is that the continuity in which every character starts is different and doesn't even clearly carry on from their route in the previous game or something, it's just a totally separate context given to you in their character blurb on the select screen. We don't even know where Kuon came from or what his grand plan was aside from comically "I going to destroy da universe with voids" there is no actual story aside from "Yeah we need a big boss villain character and the player character to go beat them to death for hero reasons". There isn't any actual reason for your mid-game fights, you just get a corny line of dialogue like "Oouuhgh I have to test you to see if you can fight Kuon for real" or "You're sooo stupid and I want to fight so bad we have beef now for no reason". It does not get any better and we do not get any actual motivations or character development from anyone, which I guess is a joke on me for maybe wanting any form of development in my silly visual novel fighting game characters.

Still, I spent a while trying to play through all of them so I could piece together the order of events to understand what happened in universe in Some way and I could not even make it through all of them because they read like shit, which brings me to my second point of

The translation is so ass. I don't know who they got to do the translation, but it reads like early Blazblue TLs with the characterization from crosstag. Which is fine in that game because everything is non canon and I don't care if they want to reduce the character to funny characteristic joke that sounds better in dub, but it sucks ass in a mainline story game where I'm actually trying to pay attention to what the character would have said according to the actual dialogue track, and I care way less about the "localization" or modernization of what they said. Months ago I was making a joke with @scharfkugel about the shitty TLs from crosstag and what it would be like if they were in uni 2 and it's genuinely funny how some of the lines have this exact vibe

including the funniest receipt I have. Feels like we really put the last nail in the coffin for uni's story with this one

Anyway.

I'm not making this post to rain on anybody's parade because I know the whole unib fanbase was waiting for very long for a new game without any expectations, I didn't have any until I paid triple A pricing in my region for this damn video game that didn't have functioning online on release and also did not give me a good singleplayer experience. If you enjoy the uni2 arcade modes, more power to you I'm glad you do but personally I can't believe the game released with these lol. legitimately reads like a joke

[themarcspector-arch]

drabble title: a big oof. who: sidney ahmed  pairing: sidney ahmed & iah elijah requested by: no one. project: heart of glass triggers: none? other than sid being a meme since i made her in 2017....😂 sidmeme. notes: sidney, before becoming a proper lawyer, is working for a woman who kind of sucks during the summer? and during this time, she re-meets her old friend, iah elijah, who unbeknownst to her is actually.....more than he seems. but she’s too busy sidney-ing around to realize it. this was just a fun little thing i decided to finish cause i had part of it on my google docs. so i was like, why not finish it?

“Hey, you!” A voice calls out through the crowd.

Sidney’s looking at one of the exhibits in the museum intently, her eyebrows knitting inward as her gaze shifts and she attempts to read about some random historical artifact fact, and fails, due to forgetting to put on contact lenses or glasses. 

So, for a moment, she doesn’t catch on to the fact that someone is speaking to her at all. She’s too focused on not focusing and is trying to figure out what the blur of words on the little rectangle says about the display and nothing else.

She pulls her face closer to the little box as she stares it down, before she accidentally hits her face against the box and mumbles, “Shite!” out loud, and pulls away, running so fast, back first into a man who’s built like a brick wall.

A few people look at her, and she wants to tell them to run along, but then she notices who she’s ran into and she can’t help but to smile a big goofy smile and hug them.

Because, well.

It’s her old friend: Iah. 

And surprisingly, he hugs her in return. Awkwardly, of course. But he hugs her. 

“Thank goodness I ran into you and not someone who would’ve given me an entire earful,” Sidney tells him once she’s by his side. “Are you fine? Did I knock you out cold?” Joking words obviously, he seems fine. And though she towers over most people, Iah is tall and broad so she hadn’t really made much of an impact. 

He smiles at her and shakes his head. “I’m okay. Are you? You…hit your face pretty hard just now.” He looks away, and she laughs just a bit, wishing she saw her own blunder on tape or on some funny video montage. But alas, she isn’t that lucky. 

“I’m wonderful. Just forgot to wear my glasses. You know the drill: Despite the obstacles, I do what I want, and right then, my biggest obstacle was an information plaque I wanted to read.” She rubs her forehead and now he laughs, knowing that he can without offending her. “I’m glad to see you, Iah. It’s been some time. I hate that I only see you every so often. But it’s always a treat when I do run into you.”

He runs a hand through his hair. “Well, nothing has happened since I last saw you.” Then he pauses. “Or at least, nothing important has happened. So you’re not missing out on much in my life.” 

She smiles back at him. “Well, I’ve got a feeling, deep down - and you know how I am with these feelings - that something will happen for you. Something super duper important.” She nods all-knowing. 

“I doubt it. I’m not that interesting. I hang out here for fun. Plus, when I’m not here, I’m working on boring things online or at the university library.” He winks at her after he says that and she narrows her eyes without thinking about it; and probably cause she can’t fucking see , and maybe, because he may not have winked at all. 

She shakes her head, confused. And smiles, super confused.  “You never know, bud...” And as much as she’d like to catch up with him, her phone rings and it’s her boss, calling her to leave. So she leaves. Goodbye Iah Elijah. She sighs. She hates goodbyes after such a quick hello.

[currywaifu]

NEW PINNED POST

[ OLD BLOG NAVIGATION - Writing & Edit Masterlists ] [ GOOGLE DRIVE FOR MY A3! PHONE WALLPAPERS* ] * currently incomplete since i have some more saved on a different laptop, but there should be around 100 there in the drive... so at least more than half of what I've made

Hello! I think it's already obvious I've long quit creating content for this blog. If you're curious about why's and where i am now, as well as what'll happen to this blog feel free to read under the cut. Otherwise, thank you for having followed me 💗

Q: Are you quitting creating content for A3! for good?

A: Most probably. I have plans to edit my older works as I find myself dissatisfied with the writing style, as well as now having a better idea as to how to make my writings more gender neutral and POC inclusive.

I also have some unfinished works I want to finish, although I feel I don’t know these characters as well anymore (specifically if they’ve gone through more character development, knowing a3 they probably have) so I’m delaying due to not wanting them to be OOC

I plan on posting some unposted edits though when I… find where I hid them omg...

Q: Why did you quit creating content for A3!?

A: The number one reason was probably staying away from social media in general? Specifically content creation and posting on social media about it (I was still on SocMed, just not creating anything). I was in a bad place mentally and physically so I distanced myself from fandom and some online friends. I also had to focus on university. 

I won’t go in depth since it’s personal, but old mutuals can feel free to ask through DMs/Discord.

I also just lost interest in A3! in general. It mostly had to do with me starting university (around 2020) and not having the time to read any of the stories or do events, so the less I was caught up the more it discouraged me from playing. Mutuals being less interested in A3! and A3! EN servers being taken down probably contributed.

The last part is just... really being unhappy with the stuff I was putting out, unfortunately :(

If I were to give a TLDR it was a combination of health reasons, school reasons, and dissatisfaction. It feels sad to say this but I’m not very happy with most of my A3! writings.

Q: Are you deactivating your blog?

A: No, she can stay, though I have no plans of logging in anymore unless it’s to post something.

Q: You’re going to edit your older works?

A: Yes, it's my goal. When I have the time + get myself familiarized with the characters again. I look back at my old writings and it hurts a bit to read. So much I could have done better. I wish I did these characters more justice. It sounds like I’m being hard on myself but that’s just how I see it. The more we write, or do things in general, the more likely we are to improve.

I also just feel a lot of regret over how I treated writing. I’m obviously the only one to blame but I should have written things more for myself. I wish I could finish the rest of the requests I had left over even though I know a lot of people probably don’t even care about it anymore, but it sucks how I just up and left honestly.

I’m more likely to edit straight to AO3, though I’ll try to log-in when I can on currywaifu.

Q: Can I use your wallpapers/edits as profile pictures/banners/etc. on (insert social media here)?

A: Yes. You do not need my permission, and feel free to use it even without credit. For the record, I'm very glad that a lot of people still enjoy them. I feel like, same with my writing, my skills with editing have gotten better but I feel a little nostalgic looking at them.

Q: Can I find you on social media elsewhere?

A: You can. You can ask for my Discord if you want. I also have a new Tumblr. If you know, you know. If you can find it, you can find it :) 

Kidding. My new tumblr is @zgvlt. Feel free to bother me there, even if it's just to say hi and not to stick around or anything.

[hrtiu]

i couldn’t find anything written for these two online so i thought i’d give it a shot! this is katy x shang-chi. what should their ship name be? i vote for shaunty. continue if you love friends-to-lovers 🥰

For Katy, the weirdest part about coming home after nearly dying and saving the world from a soul-sucking monster was realizing that she needed to find a new job.

“You could always apply to be an archery instructor at that place in Golden Gate Park,” Shaun said, looking over her shoulder at her laptop.

“Yeah, I don’t think my three days of experience will look very good on the resume,” Katy said, balancing the laptop on her thighs as she sat cross-legged on his bed.

“You could always put, ‘fired the shot that saved the universe,’” Shaun said. He leaned just a little too far into Katy’s space for comfort. “What should matter are results, right?”

“Ha ha,” Katy said, her throat suddenly dry. She didn’t bother to tell him she’d already inquired with the place and they weren’t hiring.

It had been like this since they’d gotten back from Ta Lo. Just… a little off. How was she supposed to act around her friend after going through an experience like this? How was she supposed to act after discovering a whole new side to someone she’d thought she knew so well? How was she supposed to breathe around Shaun now that she knew what he looked like with his shirt off?

Katy caught Shaun’s eye in the mirror of her laptop screen and swallowed, slamming the laptop shut before she or it combusted. It was all getting to be a bit much.

“Is everything alright?” Shaun asked from somewhere behind her.

Katy nodded, Shaun’s garage studio suddenly stifling despite the constant San Francisco temperature of 60 degrees outside. “Yeah, I’m just… I think I’ll maybe look again tomorrow.”

Shaun moved around the back of his bed and sat next to Katy, his thigh touching her knee. “Come on, Katy. What’s up? It couldn’t possibly be any weirder than the stuff I’ve told you recently.”

“Plenty of room at the Hotel California…” Katy started humming, her hand tapping against her leg in time to the music.

Shaun grabbed her hand and tugged, forcing her to meet his gaze. “Come on, you know that only works on idiots.”

“Well then it should have worked on you.”

Shaun frowned, then rested his other hand on top of the one he was already holding, his thumb sliding soothingly back and forth across her skin. “Seriously, Katy. Are you alright?”

Katy bit her lip and looked down at their connected hands. “It’s this!” she burst out, jerking her chin towards their hands. “Since when did we do this?”

Shaun let go of her hand and scooted away immediately, leaving a good foot of distance between them on the bed. Hurt lit his eyes. “Maybe since we almost died together?” he said defensively. “But you could have just told me you were uncomfortable. I won’t do it again.”

“No, wait. Shaun!” Katy fumbled over her words. “It’s not uncomfortable, really. Or well, it is, but it’s not a bad kind of uncomfortable. It’s just weird because I’ve never felt awkward around you before. But now I do and I don’t know what to do about it or what’s changed or even if you’ve noticed it or not.”

“You feel awkward around me?”

“Yeah! And you seem totally fine which is… great for me,” Katy said, her neck heating. This sucked. She hoped she’d be able to get over this soon so she could go back to singing karaoke late into the night without worrying if she was going to make a pass at him when she was drunk.

“I’m fine because it’s you!” he said. “I’ve known you for forever! What am I doing that’s making you uncomfortable, because I can stop.”

Katy cast a sidelong glance at him, her eyes tracing up the exquisitely-defined muscles of his forearms. I wonder if I could get him to take his shirt off again, she thought longingly. “You could eat a few Ho Hos with a side of pizza, I guess.”

His forehead crinkled in confusion, which drew attention to his eyes, which then led her down to his lips. Ok, maybe there was no leading going on, and Katy had just decided to look there herself.

“Look, normally I’m pretty good at interpreting Katy,” Shaun said, “But I think I might need a little help today.”

I could help you out of your clothes. Woah. That thought had better not come out of her mouth.

Katy jumped to her feet and turned from Shaun, her eyes struggling to find something else to focus on—anything else. “It’s fine, alright. I’m just being weird because I realized you’re hot and now it’s hard to stop thinking about it.”

“Woah! I’m hot?”

“Shut up, you know you are.” Katy moved over to the garage door and turned back to him, confident she could face him with some distance between them.

“No, I don’t! You used to call me shrimp cracker back in high school!”

“Yeah, well, all those shrimp decided to start swimming in the formation of an eight-pack on your torso, so…”

Shaun walked over to her, a grin spreading across his face. “All those times you made fun of me in gym class, and look at you now.”

He was getting too close, and Katy backed along the garage door away from him. “I’m glad you’re enjoying this.”

“Hey, I think I deserve to bask a little in your admiration,” Shaun said, still advancing on her with a smirk she knew was just teasing.

“Shut up, Shaun,” she said, taking one more step behind her.

Her foot caught on the backpack she’d tossed carelessly by the door, and just like that she was going down. Then Shaun grabbed her arm and pulled her to him, just barely managing to keep her from dropping like a bag of rice.

One of his hands gripped her wrist while the other wrapped around her waist, holding her flush against him. Her nose was only an inch or two from his, and she could see her own reflection in his eyes. She stopped breathing.

Shaun’s eyes widened, and his fingers twitched nervously at her waist. “Oh,” he said, voice quiet and surprised. “Yeah, this is weird.”

Katy’s heart dropped into her stomach, and it was only at that moment that she realized how far gone she already was. Well, that was that.

She dropped her eyes, but there was nowhere to look but him, so she fixed her gaze on the zipper of the coat he always wore.  There was a stain right around the hem. He should probably get a new coat now that he was important and all.

The hand holding her wrist dropped, and suddenly his warm palm was pressed against her cheek, lifting her head up. She looked back into his eyes and found a familiar warmth there. It was unquestioning friendship and loyalty. It was love.

“It’s a good thing I like weird,” he said. Then he leaned in and kissed her.

Katy wrapped her arms around him, pulling him harder against her and finally—finally—getting to feel those muscles. When she’d privately fantasized about this moment over the past few days, she’d always worried it might feel strange or wrong—like kissing her brother. But it turned out she’d worried for nothing. Shaun’s hands on her hips felt right, and his lips moved against her mouth in a way that made her knees week. No, this was definitely not like kissing her hot, super hero brother.

After a few minutes Shaun pulled away, his expression dazed but smiling. “Ok, I take it back,” he said. “Not weird at all.”

Katy smirked up at him. “I guess I wasn’t trying hard enough.” Her phone chimed her text alert and she jumped, nearly forgetting it was in her back pocket. “Oh, damn, I forgot I told mom I’d be home to help her restock.”

“I can come with,” Shaun said, his hand moving experimentally up and down her waist.

“Sure.” A thought occurred to Katy and she stopped typing mid-text to her mom. She looked up at Shaun, her eyes wide. “Shaun. Waipo is going to be so psyched.”

[curryaboo]

— hiii! i was tagged by @banglatown @bengayli @jentlemahae @chameli aaand @/minteas to do this “get to know me better/20 questions” tag!! thank u so much beauts!! <3<3<3<3<3

🪁 what do you prefer to be called name-wise?

rao is absolutely fine!! <33

🪁 when is your birthday?

oct 13 :) i share it with some,, prominent people in popular culture and politics which aren’t rlly MY personal faves but wtvr it just goes to prove i’m the superior oct 13 baby !

🪁 where do you live?

the uk :<

🪁 three things you’re doing right now?

answering these questions, sorting out some spotify playlists in between answering these questions & casting my eyes between lines of james acaster’s classic scrapes and my phone (sunny @/amarakaran mentioned the book on one of her tag games n very kindly gave me the link to it and i jumped str8 to reading it! u know you’ve watched too many things featuring james acaster when u now read his book in his exact voice :/)

🪁 four fandoms that have piqued your interest right now?

bbc ghosts (ppl have some amazing theories n opinions surrounding it but i would not advise looking up the tag on here and sorting thru recent god bless youse but there are some awful takes there) aaand idk ig a range of kpop groups but i don’t rlly participate in the fandom sides of things anymore (and i’m not consuming a lot of new media or at least keeping up to date with the media that i do to label myself as being interested in being part of the fandom)

🪁 how is the pandemic treating you?

icl now that i’m seeing it in retrospect, it’s been cruel in the sense that it’s taken a lot of important things away from me (my last two years of high school for example i’m rlly bummed abt that) & stunted me in some ways but regardless i’ve learnt a lot about myself and my friends & family and yeah i’ve learnt to cherish myself and my loved ones all the same :)

🪁 song you can’t stop listening to right now?

boy am i glad this question is here bc since yesterday ? maybe i’ve been listening to gal mitthi mitthi endlesslyyy i think my brain chemicals recognise that we haven’t been to a wedding for the past 2 summers so it tries to fill the void by fixating on this one wedding-y song 💔💔

🪁 recommend a movie

PLS if u haven’t already , pls watch assassination nation bc i need someone to begrudgingly revel with in the absolute shit show pisstake of a movie that this is . (as a side note: my soul will not know peace until kennie jd does a video on it) on a more serious side, english vinglish is one of my most favourite films 10000/10 recommend pls go see it if u haven’t it’s an absolute warm hug of a movie <3

🪁 how old are you?

18 :)

🪁 school, university, occupation, other?

gap year babieee my soul is just wondering the place rn

🪁 do you prefer hot or cold?

cold !!

🪁 name one fact others may not know about you.

uhmm i lived in bangladesh for about 9-10 months when i was abt 4 and it was so amazing i miss it very much :’]

🪁 are you shy?

yes quite shy :} but i will always put effort into getting to know someone or initiating a convo !!

🪁 do you have any preferred pronouns?

i was in turmoil over them rlly but she/they is what i’m comfy with rn ! :D

🪁 any pet peeves?

other than some obvious ones, when ppl open things like crisps packets upside down,, that disgusts me truly

🪁 what’s your favourite “dere” type?

i would be a liar if i said i wasn’t biased towards a good bakadere but not too much that it annoys me lmao

🪁 rate your life 1-10. 1 being really crappy and 10 being the best you could ever be.

hmm rn it’s maybe a 5?? i’m grateful for so many things but there is def a lot of room for improvement :] (actually i just got on a 3 month free trial for spotify today so that just bumped the 5 up to a 6 😌)

🪁 what’s your main blog?

this one right here jaanoo.tumblr.com !!

🪁 list your side blogs and what they’re used for.

i don’t have any but i’ve been thinking of making one for aesthetics or like future references ??

🪁 is there anything you think people need to know about you before becoming friends with you?

uhmm again i am quite shy teehee™️ imo there’s a noticeable difference between when we were yk just friendly towards each other vs when we actually become friends and i’m more comfortable with u . that’s not to say that i was being fake in the earlier instances of u knowing me, i was just a lot more reserved :) i’m also one of those *is online 24/7 but gets virtual interaction burnout every 2 hours so postpones replying to ur message to 3 days later* which sucks skfjdsj but yeah if there was anything that i’d need to know about YOU it’d be if u had any dietary requirements bc i love baking for my friends <333

ok now i’m gonna embarrass myself more than i already have & tag a lot of ppl bc i’m super nosey like that and want to know my mutuals’ answers to these 🥸 ofc u can absolutely ignore this and not want to do it we’re not under any contractual binding here <33 @allenoraaa @okhag @watermlon @gayanese @letteredwingsmain @theropoda @holyself @txtzy @creatures2010 @junqhwans @mistblush @snsdyuri @waterz @derelicthousefootage @killuaology @staycverse @amarakaran @tendermachines @shahrukh-khan @peachysara @firesigns @postmoderncaricatures @horrormanga @iqraars @123dream @sunmisbf @avisachi @bengaligirlfriend @morksuns @czennie-on-top @markvibes @joppin @nyuly @shin-jiyoon @99lover @mithaai @chamelis @thefinalgirlz @nikolailantsovswifey @mehendi @yerification @oneustual @singinginthecar @yejiswife @lovedsoup @mangopickled and uhh tumblr’s not letting me annoy tag anymore ppl so if u wanna do this and ur not on the list (ur in my heart 💕 and in an ideal world where tumblr automatically tags all my mutuals 😑) u can say i tagged u if you’d like!! ^_^

[prettywordsyouleft]

Labelling Love | Part 3 (Collab)

Summary: Meeting you changed the way Eunwoo viewed romance and love entirely.

Pairing: Cha Eunwoo x female reader

Genre: university au / romance / fluff

Warnings: none

A/N: Welcome to the second series in the monthly Love In Fours Ways collab with @jackiejacks923​ @noona-clock​ & @this-song-thats-only-for-you​ . In the final week of each month during this collab, we’ll be each sharing a mini-series using 4 of the pictures/concepts illustrated in the book that inspired our series that I’ve credited below.

Credit to: Puuung - Love Is In The Small Things // #76 , #60 , #4 , #33

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 // Collab Masterlist

Part 3 -  Stopping In An Alley To Tell Her You Love Her

It felt like a distant memory now that months had travelled between you. The first semester came and went, and you both rejoiced passing your exam period with relatively decent scores. Especially considering the hairy beginning to the paper Eunwoo took with you.

“I’m impressed you stared more at your exam paper than at me,” you teased when you finished checking your scores online in your dorm room.

Rolling his eyes, Eunwoo playfully tapped you on the nose. “Some things are more important to focus on.”

“Like your girlfriend?” you prompted and Eunwoo couldn’t stop his lips from spreading into a smile.

“I finished seventeen minutes before you.”

“You watched me all that time?!” you guessed and Eunwoo shrugged before pulling you up from your seat. “What are we doing?”

“We have two whole weeks before our next semester starts. What do you think we’re doing?”

“I swear if you say going to the library or-”

Eunwoo cut you off with a chaste kiss before sending you a dazzling smile. “Pack your bags.”

“What? Why?”

“I’m going home for the holidays. Don’t you want to come with me?”

“And meet your parents?!” you squeaked out, heading over to your wardrobe anyway. Eunwoo slumped down onto your bed and watched as you turned frazzled. You shot him a helpless expression. “I don’t know if I can come.”

“Why not? Who am I meant to stare at whilst I’m away then?”

“Don’t!” you whined outlandishly and stomped your foot. “This is serious! You can’t just spring it on me that we’re going to meet your parents, Eunwoo!”

“Why not? You didn’t tell me I was meeting your mother until you introduced her as that when I joined you for brunch last month.”

“That wasn’t exactly planned, you know.”

“Nor is this. I just don’t want to say goodbye to you now so come with me instead,” he pleaded and you sighed heavily, sweeping your hair up into a messy ponytail before stepping over to him and leaned in for another kiss. Eunwoo gave you three extras for encouragement and you finally nodded.

“Okay, let’s do this.”

He grinned, getting up to help you with the packing. Admittedly he was meant to be going home by himself. However, the idea of leaving you made his chest ache more than logic could reason. Over the months, Eunwoo found himself giving in to the irrational side more often. It was tiring to try and understand how you made him feel as your relationship progressed. In some ways, he knew he was falling in love. But Eunwoo couldn’t figure where the falling had started.

He sometimes mused over the novel idea that it had happened when he first met you.

Still, it was easier not to question himself anymore and just enjoy experiencing each moment.

Which was what he had done for the entire trip home.

Of course, his parents had gushed over your impromptu appearance. Although they knew he had been dating someone this semester, Eunwoo hadn’t gone into great depths over the phone just how serious he felt about you. Again, because he didn’t know what to describe it as.

Now that you were in his childhood house and surrounded by his family, however, Eunwoo realised this was a first for him. He’d never brought someone special home for the holidays, or for any real occasion.

Something his mother hadn’t let him forget about ever since your arrival. “You know, Y/N, this is the best gift my son has ever given me. I’m so happy you’re here with us these holidays.”

“Oh, it’s my pleasure,” you mentioned with a glance in Eunwoo’s direction. “Thank you for welcoming me into your home at such short notice.”

“Nonsense! You are welcome here any time!”

“We’ll go get the ingredients from the store you asked me to get earlier,” he told his mother before dragging you to the front door.

“Why did you bring me with you?”

Eunwoo cleared his throat awkwardly. “I realised it might not be a good idea to leave you two alone together.”

“Why?”

“I found her searching for the photo albums,” he mentioned with a scowl as you both walked down the tiny street-way towards the main shopping area.

You giggled as you watched your footing on the light dusting of snow covering the footpath. You then shot him a wicked grin. “I’ll have to ask to see them before I leave!”

“I knew my honesty would be a curse some time in my life,” he grumbled as you giggled further.

Eunwoo stopped walking then, staring at your animated expression. Your breath was visible in the colder temperature, and your face barely peeked out between a scarf and beanie. Your cheeks were flushed from the sting of the wintry air and your amusement.

He couldn’t get enough of this look.

However, you grew intrigued, waving a hand in front of his face. “Earth to Eunwoo, what are you thinking about right now?”

“Do we need to get spring onions?” he asked jarringly, blinking out of his thoughts and walking off again.

“Are you okay?” you asked, catching up and slipping your gloved hand into his. “You’re being weird.”

“Shouldn’t you be used to that now? I’m constantly weird when it comes to you.”

“Romantic,” you reminded and nuzzled into his side further.

“We better get these groceries before another snow flurry hits,” he excused, hurrying down the path to the market.

His unease continued for the rest of the trip. Maybe it was the nostalgia of the area and having you fit so easily into the places he had frequented as a child. That was all he could think of as you managed to purchase all that his mother had written down on the list to fetch.

Actually, that was a lie.

A growing need to speak his mind was washing over him. It was bubbling right under the surface as you walked back to his family home with a bag of groceries in both hands each. Every small glance you gave him accompanied with a delighted smile brought the emotion further to the forefront until he was certain he would never be this sure about anything ever again.

“I love you,” he blurted out when you walked down the alleyway towards his street again, and you stumbled to a stop, losing some of your balance given the snow on the ground. Eunwoo lurched towards you to save you from falling, both of you ending up pressed against a brick wall.

Soul searching once he caught your stunned stare, Eunwoo smiled softly. “I love you, Y/N.”

“So suddenly?” you breathed, blinking slowly.

Eunwoo chuckled. “No, I think it’s been for some time.”

“Why would you throw this on me when my hands are full?” you wondered distractedly, glancing at the bags you held. Eunwoo reached out for them, taking them with his own.

And then he leaned in closer. “I love you.”

“Goodness I heard you the first time,” you mentioned, still struggling with coherency. “You need to give me a chance to restart my heart after such a confession!”

Instead, he leaned in and brushed his lips over yours, catching the tail end of your surprise over the confession. Your answer was delivered through the earnest kiss you gave him.

When he finally lifted his head away from yours to suck in a deep breath, you cupped his jaw in both of your hands and smiled tenderly. “I love you too.”

“Tell me again.”

“Why, because you told me multiple times too?” you wondered with a laugh. Shaking your head you pecked his lips first. “I love you, I love you, I love you!”

“Good.”

“Good?” you echoed and Eunwoo nodded.

“My mother was right. This year is the best present I’ve been able to give her. And to myself as well.”

“And you say you’re not romantic at all,” you mumbled before placing your hands upon his chest. “I agree though. I was worried about university back when the first school year began. Meeting you was the best thing that happened to me.”

“Not the A you got for your overall grade?” he offered and you slapped his padded jacket front bitterly.

“That was an A-minus.”

“What am I then?” he wondered and you sighed.

“My A-plus for this semester.”

“And for next semester?”

“I can’t grade you ahead of time,” you admittedly sincerely and Eunwoo leaned in to kiss you again.

“But I love you.”

“Maybe you’re going to get an A-plus next semester too,” you agreed with a laugh, gesturing for him to follow you back to his home.

Eunwoo was glad he could finally label something with certainty when it came to you now.

_________________

Part 4

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[scribblis]

"Shit! I'm going to be late!!" I yelled to no one in particular, getting my things together and cursing myself for the current predicament. You'd think I'd get it together by college, but i was as messy and jumbled as always.

The current predicament: I was late for a my first day of class, a class that was very important, since it was with Hitoshi Shinsou, aka the guy I'd been mad crushing on since two semesters ago. We were both humanities majors; him in criminology and forensics, me in sociology and abnormal psychology. We went to a small university in rural Oregon, with a small, dedicated staff and one main building for each individual colleges. And we were in the same STAT 305: Stats for Humanity major and PSYCH 706A: Critical Thinking in Psychology class this semester.

I grabbed everything I thought I needed, and rushed out of my room, grabbing an individual-wrapped brownie and a cotton candy energy drink from my fridge and stuffing them in my bag before rushing out the door, getting to the psych building with three minutes to spare.

I sighed, plopping into an empty desk somewhere in the middle-side of the classroom, glad the teacher was still not here. The psych professors at this college were all eccentric in their own rights, and I'd never had this professor before.

I caught my breath, scanning the room. Most everyone here was someone I knew or at least, I recognized their faces. This group of people tended to be serious, and brilliant, and I was confident it would be a good class. I sighed a breath of relief, getting my stuff ready. I pulled out my notebook for this class, turning it to the first lined page. I also pulled out two pens, a highlighter, and placed my brownie and my energy drink near the top of the desk to avoid spillage. I was so wrapped up in what I was doing that I didn't even notice who came into the room.

"Excuse me," a deep, instantly recognized voice asked, and I jumped before looking up, seeing none other than Hitoshi Shinsou standing next to the empty desk next to me. "Is that seat taken?"

"Uhhh....not that I know of?" I replied, slightly dumbfounded. Could I handle this?

"K. Thanks," he replied nonchalantly, sliding into the desk to my right. He set his cool grey messenger bag on the other side of the desk, pulling out a black notebook and tucking a pen behind his ear, setting up. I kept my body language casual, facing forward, but I couldn't stop myself from glancing over every so often, careful to not get caught.

I'd met the basically-demigod Hitoshi Shinsou in Intro to Psych, two semesters ago. It may be silly of me, but I'm pretty sure I started crushing on him the moment I saw him. He was tall, slender but solid, with purple hair that was constantly pushed back. At first, I thought he styled it that way, but having been in class with him and staring occasionally noticing him, it really was his fault his hair did that. He often sighed and ran a hand through his hair whenever he was really thinking about something. It was actually kinda cute, he did it so often that during tests sometimes there'd be a slight imprint of the base of his palm against his hairline. Was this weird to notice?

I tried to be careful, but on my third or fourth glance over at him, we accidentally made eye contact. His eyebrow twitched slightly in the brief second we made eye contact, and it caught me off guard to the point that my hand jerked, knocking my energy drink off the desk. It fell to my right, and hit the ground.

I hesitated reaching for it, and before I could grab it, Hitoshi had swiped it up and put it back on my desk, eyeing it.

"Never seen that flavor before," he stated casually.

"Oh! Yeah, haha, cotton candy is one of my favorite flavor of anything," I said just a bit to fast. Oh god, here was the perfect opportunity to make a good impression on him and here I was, blowing it. Though if he noticed my nervousness, he didn't indicate it.

"Huh. Next thing you know, they'll make a birthday cake flavored one," he said with a slight scoff.

"They do. It's okay, but kinda weird. It tastes like liquid cake and makes my mouth all confused."

Hitoshi raised an eyebrow at me, his violet eyes light and playful. "Sounds like you've got a sweet tooth."

Was this happening? Was I actually having a normal conversation with Hitoshi? I laughed, nervous, and reached for the can.

"Oh, I mean, I guess so, I'm a foodie in gener-"

"Stop," he interrupted.

"Huh?" God, had I already talked too much? Was I boring him? Before my thoughts could spiral me any more, though, he continued.

"That just fell on the floor. Don't open it right now."

I looked down, to where my hand was on top of the can tab, about to open it. I guess I was so nervous I didn't realize what my hands were doing.

"O-oh, right. Thanks," I said, warmth creeping up my neck and cheeks.

Luckily, I was saved from more awkward conversation by the professor coming in. Dr. Aizawa was one of the senior psychology professors at the school; he mainly oversaw higher levels of psych classes, and this one, Critical Thinking in Psych. I sighed, resolving to focus on the professor for the rest of class.

Later in the week, it's time for STAT 305, and I am prepared. It's my only class of the day, so I take time in the morning, eat breakfast, and shower, leaving early and slipping into a seat near the window. I stare out of it, my eyes flitting around, idly people-watching, before turning back to the classroom. It had filled up in the time I was staring out the window, and I briefly notice the seat next to me was the only seat not taken. Wait, is....

I turn my head and scan the room, but I really might as well not have bothered, as Hitoshi strode into the room just before the professor did. He had big purple headphones, and as he looked around the room, my pulse quickened. No way was I going to survive this semester if I'm both classes he sits next to me.

He spots the seat next to me and heads over. I turn my gaze down, chewing on my lip a bit as I fiddle with my pen. Should I make a joke? Should I say hi? Should I not acknowledge him at all?

I hear him set down his stuff and slide into his seat. I can't help myself and I glance at him in my peripheral. He takes off his headphones smoothly, resting them around his neck before running a hand through his hair. Luckily, Professor Nezu starts speaking, and I will myself to concentrate on what he's saying.

~~

".....and don't forget, get your books by Tuesday. I'll post the reading and the syllabus online, make sure to take a look through both before next class. Dismissed."

I started to get my stuff together, grabbing my backpack from off the floor when Hitoshi interrupted my thoughts.

"Hey."

"Yeah?" I replied evenly, looking up to glance at him while continuing my motions. An idle hope flitted by, wouldn't it be awesome if he asked to trade numbers?

"We should trade contact info."

Wait, what? Did that just happen? I looked up to him, and I guess my face gave away my surprised, because he spoke quickly.

"Not to....be weird or whatever. Just that we have a couple classes together this semester. We could study together."

Hitoshi Shinsou wants to study. With me. Luckily I regain my composure nearly instantly, thanks to years of masking.

"Oh! Sure! Great idea, it'll be more efficient," I responded. We traded phones, typing our contact information in before swapping back. Hitoshi Shinsou's phone number is in my contact list.

"Cool. See you around, Alis," he said, putting his messenger on one shoulder. Putting his headphones back on, he strode towards the door.

"Y-yeah, see you..." I quickly gathered my stuff, dumbfounded, before heading back to my dorm.

~~

The first weekend of the semester came, and with that, so did my weekly smoke sessions with the crew. We'd all met during orientation and immediately hit it off, and today was no different.

"Guess who has pizza rolls~" Hawks crowed, bringing a full tray of steamy, half-open pizza rolls on a large platter. They set it down on the table where the rest of us sat, plopping down on one of the couches. The smoke spot for the most part was the basement of Adgy's parents' house, which coincidentally was their bedroom, and our club's secret sanctuary.

"So let me get this straight," Vibby started as I took a long hit off one of the bongs being passed around. "Hitoshi Shinsou asked for your number. And wants to study together. This is your chance!!"

I laughed, a bit too hard and I descended into a coughing fit, passing on the bong and lighter to Simi, who passed it to Cloudy.

"Step one: message him," Hawks grinned, blowing onto a pizza roll before popping it into their mouth. "Step two: suck his dick. Step three: invite us to the wedding."

"God I wish," I said lightly, a nervous tinge to my laugh.

"Suck his dick! Suck his dick!" Adgy teased, and before long, the rest of the circle had joined in as I flushed, grabbing my pipe from the table and hitting the bowl.

"I wonder if the curtains match the drapes," Cloudy said idly, after the chanting had died down.

"No way," Adgy replied. "Have you seen the way he dresses? Dude totally manscapes."

"Okay, guys, I don't need to be thinking about Hiroshi's crotch right now, I can already barely face him," I joked.

"Let's take bets to see how this plays out," Hawks grinned. "Hmmm......dinner on me says he's gonna use a study session to flirt. Ooooo, maybe he'll lean in reeeeeal close when you're checking an answer together~"

"God," I sighed, leaning back. "I wish. Could you imagine?"

"Ten bucks says he just kisses shine out of the blue," Adgy said. "I bet he's totally the type to kiss you to get you to shut up."

"My money's on Alis accidentally confessing," Vibby said, nudging me slightly. "You do have a tendency to panic when you're flustered."

"Oooh, good point," Hawks replied, grinning. "He seems the type to play with his food."

"Y'all!!" I squeaked, hiding my face in my hands. God, I was going to die if this keeps up.

"Okay, fine, we'll ease up," Simi smiled, before breezily changing the topic. I breathed a sigh of relief, but the images of what my friends said kept me awake all night, my mind racing with the thought of those things happening to me.

[oftenderweapons]

The Conversations - part 3/3

Characters: Hoseok, Taehyung

Wordcount: 2.2k words

Genre: slice of life, discussion of NSFW topics, conversation

Rating: suggested 18+

Hello readers! I’m back and I bear gifts!

This is the final installment for The Conversations. In this piece Tae and Hobi discuss their relationships with their girlfriend, Lace -- Tae’s gf -- and Giggles -- Hobi’s --, sharing some spicy details and offering each other advice. Since I consider them the “freakiest” among the guys, do expect some TMI. 

TRIGGER WARNINGS: so much BDSM I had to read a handbook, impact play and dedicated objects, bondage and restrictions, themes of domination and submission, use of safeword and mentions of subspace. Voyeurism and exhibitionism, adult clubs and dungeons, public sex, masturbation and oral sex. Blindfold, powerplay, roleplay. Mentions of a sextape... :’) (also hints of a possibly angsty Namjoon future fic, I had to.) 

Wordcount: 2.2k

And here is my masterlist :)

Enjoy!

“Hey hyung, sorry for last night.” Taehyung said, sitting beside Hoseok at the lunch table in the common room.

“It’s okay, no biggie.” Hoseok already had a bright smile on, warm and honestly unbothered by the event.

“I didn’t knew Giggles was at your’s.” Taehyung opened his lunch, starting to analyse the various boxes and cups.

“Yeah,” Hobi’s ears turned reddish. “It was a surprise for me too.”

“How is it going?” Tae cheered as he found the main course. Beside him Hoseok stirred his noodles.

“It’s great. She’s fantastic. How about Lace?”

“She’s doing great. We’re doing great.” Taehyung looked around a little to see if anyone could possibly overhear. “We experimented with a riding crop. Best decision of my life.”

Hoseok laughed out loud, smashing his free hand enthusiastically against the table. “Glad to know. Giggles prefers the paddle. Or my hands. But yeah, Lace gives crop vibes.”

“She’s a huge freak.” Tae took some kimchi, mixing it with his rice. His mouth still half full, he muttered. “But I guess I am, too.”

“As long as she likes that there’s nothing wrong.” He too took a bite of his own food. “Wanna share?”

“What? No.” Tae filled his mouth some more. “I mean, I have to ask Lace first.”

“I mean the food, you pervert.” Hoseok bent over his dish, “though I guess nor Lace nor Giggles would oppose.”

“God, Lace is such an exhibitionist.” Tae said, motioning to his side dish and inviting Hobi to take what he liked.

Hobi also put his smaller boxes in the middle. “And you’re a voyeur, which works just fine.”

“Match made in heaven. Does Giggles like it too?”

“She likes it enough. But, she’s not that visual. She prefers focusing on other senses.”

“I kinda reckoned.” Taehyung remembered the previous night, when he’d endlessly knocked on Hobi’s apartment door only to have his hyung come to the door half undressed, faux leather pants on, his forehead sweaty. Behind him, Tae could recognise a woman -- well, Giggles -- fully naked, sitting on a chair, wearing nothing but a blindfold. And several feet of rope.

“Freak.” Deadpanned Hoseok.

“What about you, freak?” Tae also stirred his noodles, enjoying the steam coming from them together with the heavy smell of soy sauce and fried peppers.

“Do you want me to say I enjoy having her at my mercy, nothing but a blabbering mess, incapable of getting away or understanding what’s going to happen to her?” Hoseok was overly descriptive on that. “Because yes, I do.”

“So not only blindfolded but also tied up?”

“If she’s not behaving, then yes.” Hoseok suddenly looked stern.

“I bet she doesn’t behave much.”

“At all.” Hoseok smirked. “I think I should change her punishment to something she enjoys less.”

“Lace hates not touching me.” Tae fits a huge meat roll in his mouth.

“Giggles is not bothered, as long as I’m touching her. She needs to feel some sort of an anchor, a safety line, so to say.”

“Well, I’d need one too if I were tied up and in the dark.” His mind wandered back to one of his first times with Lace, when he’d let her cover his eyes with a thick silk scarf tied behind his head, his body at her mercy, as she observed him and touched him without him knowing where she’d land her attack, without his intense gaze following her every movement and making her flustered. She had confessed feeling free, unjudged. Not that he would ever judge her, but he knew that he would feel conscious too if he were the one in the spotlight, were the roles to be reversed. He knew he would feel freer without his lover looking at him, analysing where his attention gravitated. But this happened at the beginning, when they were still learning. Now their most pressing need is watching each other. 

“Well. Once it got bad. She got into subspace. Only time she used her safeword. That’s why we don’t use handcuffs anymore.” Hoseok’s face was instantly dull. He still tortured himself for what had happened that one time. The look in Giggle's eyes as he let her wrists free, the angry red marks on her skin showing the indentations of the metal. The way she had seemed so broken, so lost. And the heavy tears falling on his chest as she hid in his form, clinging to him.

"Just once? Me and Lace had to use them a couple times. Both of us. Sometimes she's not in the right mindset and she asks me to stop and cuddle her. Sweetest thing in the universe." His eyes turn dreamy. "After her taste, obviously."

Hoseok laughs and punches him lightly. "TMI, bro."

"Come on, if Giggles tasted that sweet you would boast too."

"I'd rather keep that honey all to myself."

"Greedy." Taehyung poured himself some cola, watching it fizzle before downing it in one go. "By the way, do you have any good role play suggestion? I'm thinking of surprising her during the weekend but I'm so tired I can barely think."

"Strangers at the hotel. Book a room, meet at the lobby and then go upstairs to fuck like bunnies?" Hobi said it without even thinking. 

"Done that."

"It's a classic. Giggles loves it. She fucks me like a slut." He snickered softly, nothing but dark mischief in his voice, but also undying fondness for his beloved.

"And that's TMI." Tae quips.

"You asked."

"Yeah, fair."

"Maid and master. Or butler and madame. You pick." Hobi drank some Sprite directly from the bottle.

"Cliché." Taehyung tutted and proceeded with his meal. “I don’t know. Not really.”

"Artist and muse? I don't know man, you're super picky." It came out with his typically whiny intonation, his tone a rollercoaster as he got deeper into thought.

Taehyung stayed quiet for a few minutes, mulling over the possibility. “Could do.”

The other man slurped in his noodles, finishing them and sipping the soup. “So, roleplay, uh?”

“It makes me feel freer. Like I’m not V from BTS. Like I’m just a boy who loves his girl.”

Hobi nodded. “You don’t know the incredible amount of places I wish I could fuck Giggles.”

Tae clapped his hands and laughed. “Like that one time at the restaurant. Damn, you disappeared for half an hour.”

Hoseok stood up to discard his container, then sat down again. In the meantime he reminisced. How Giggles had smiled mysteriously at him, holding his hand and carefully taking him away from the main scene, into a corridor and then to the restroom. He remembered how she’d palmed him heavily, how he’d cum in her mouth after five minutes of her devoted ministrations. He remembered how Giggles had fingered herself as she was sucking him, waiting for him to be done so he would crouch down, bunch up her skirt and eat her out until her eyes crossed and her legs quivered, lost in ecstasy.

“Sometimes I wished I could just get lost somewhere like in an alley or drive off in the countryside and get it all loose.” Hoseok huffed quietly as he cleaned after his meal, grabbing an half empty tube of ice cream and setting it on the table, again sitting beside Tae. “Make her take off her panties while we’re out for dinner. Do her against the mirror in the elevator.”

“The one back at the dorms...” Tae arched an eyebrow, nodding knowingly.

“Yeah. Or like… Go to a club and just finger her on the dancefloor. Or in a dark nook.” His eyes crinkled shut.

“I get it. People knowing you sucks sometimes. Lace and I wanted to go to one of those... dungeons? Or maybe like an adult club. One of those places where you can perform in front of a crowd. Try some real exhibitionism. And some serious bondage.” Taehyung finished his own meal, discarding the finished cups and plates and grabbing a spoon to share the ice cream.

“Like, shibari?” Hobi asked, making eye contact with his friend.

“Yeah, why not.” Tae shrugged. “Lace would be interested. We’ve done mild things before and she enjoyed, but those are things you need to learn with an expert and just thinking of all the things that could go wrong makes me shiver.” He took a big mouthful of ice cream, almost freezing his brain in the process.

“I took an online course. Kinda fun.” Hoseok smiled and turned a bit shy. “Giggles was ecstatic. We learned some extra knots together, from a book our teacher recommended. She’s a keen student. Very dedicated.” He exploded in bubbly laughter.

“Would you let her tie you up?” Tea asked.

“I don’t know if she wants to, but I would let her.” Hobi blushed. “I wouldn’t mind. She’s talented. And disciplined. Very careful and diligent. I know I would be in good hands. What about you?”

“I’ve already let Lace tie me up.” Taehyung was absolutely confident, his voice neutral. “I enjoy letting her manhandle me every now and then.” He shrugged again, blowing his cheeks and rubbing at his chin. “She can do that. Honestly, she did take some lessons and taught me a few things. We explore a lot together.” At this, his eyes moved to the floor, a bit flustered. Lace knew his body like no one else in the world. He had spent years living in it and getting to know it, but his girlfriend had put body and soul into exploring him, memorising every small tell, every little quirk and sweet spot. Lace had unravelled him in a couple weeks, studying his anatomy with a maniacal precision. And when he allowed her to take control of him, her knowledge showed. Her fingers could draw endless pleasure, keeping him on his toes for hours and then making him explode like fireworks. But the most important thing was the way she had learned to soothe him, to care after him, her affection like balm to his bitter moods and darkest nights.

“Glad for you.” Hoseok gave him a pat on the shoulder, drawing him in for a hug.

Taehyung was getting ready to leave. “I got to talk to Namjoon. He’s giving me feedback on some lines in English. By the way, have you heard of him and Vixen?”

“What?”

“Had a fight. He’s hell-bent on making it up to her.” Tae scrunched his nose. “Guk sorta walked in on them in the studio the other day. I don’t know if they made up.”

Hoseok pouted. “Joon temper’s sucks. Boy got some pent up pressure and he’s gonna blow a fuse someday or other. Plus Vixen’s no saint.”

“She holds him accountable for his bullshit. Takes good care of him. Plus, man, she’s a keeper.”

“Truly.” Hobi thought back to the sparks between her and Namjoon everytime they’re together. If that wasn’t love, then he didn’t know what it could ever be. Probably it was the way Giggles searched for his hand when she was afraid, the way she always looked at him when she found something funny, or that small breath she held every time he said her name. Or even the way he needed to bury his nose in her neck when he needed to rest. How he always put his hand on the small of her back when he needed her at his side, when he looked for support and protection.

Taehyung already had his hand on the handle of the kitchen’s door when Hoseok stopped him. “How do you store your… stuff, with Lace?”

“You mean what? Toys? Porn? Pics?”

The older huffed. God, he’s really shameless. “Your vids?”

Taehyung’s eyebrows shot up. “Oh. That stuff. I assume you’re not hiding it from her?”

“I was thinking of shooting something. I need safe storage.” Hoseok rubbed at his forehead, crossing his arms.

“Avoid phones. Worst thing. Get yourself a good camera and a decent memory card. Like 72GB. Keep all the stuff in the memory card or pen drive. Lace and I have it in our bedside table. Never keep stuff on the phone or in cloud.” He pointed a finger towards Hoseok for emphasis. “I would recommend an action camera, which is practical like a phone but safer. But if you do use a phone, no connection, no wifi, nothing. Just a phone used like a good ol' camera. Move all the stuff away as soon as you’re done.”

“Yeah, that was sort of a given..” Hobi nodded. “So, a camera? Suggestions?”

“Depends? Handheld or tripod?” Taehyung asked, checking his phone.

“You know me. Hands on my girl, and I like shifting a lot.”

“Tripod. Definitely. I’ll send you some links for reference tonight. Enjoy.”

[loveisblindfanfictionbka]

Love Is Blind: Chapter Nine

Robyn brushed her hair up into a ponytail as she walked out of her closet into her bedroom. Leandra and Melissa sat on the large bed, both dressed in their nightwear as was Robyn.

“I can’t believe y’all really came all this way for some gossip,” Robyn murmured as she sat down on the bed and pulled a pillow between her legs.

“We also came to check on you,” Leandra replied.

“Sure you did. So ask away.”

“How are things going?”

“Good.”

“Are y’all still talking?”

“Yes, me and Chris are still talking.”

“Are you dating?’

“No, we are not dating.”

“Why not?”

“We’re relearning each other besides I’m still not in the mood for anything serious.”

“He’s your ex-husband, there’s already a touch of seriousness in this.”

“Exactly why we’re not dating. We got enough to deal with just by being exes.”

“So what is he like?” Melissa asked, “I can imagine things are a bit different now.”

“Things are very different,” Robyn replied as she grabbed her phone and scrolled to a recent picture they had taken together and handed it to Melissa, “he’s so much calmer and relaxed now.”

“Y’all look so good together but you always have. He’s aged well.”

“He did. Witnessing the change between the Chris I knew and this new Chris is interesting.”

“How is he as a dad?”

“He’s amazing. Anesa absolutely adores him.”

“How is your relationship with Anesa?”

“I’ve only been around her a few times but we get along pretty well. She’s so sweet and funny.”

“So what’s the big problem with dating?”

“I am not ready to date regardless of the man, that’s why I didn’t want to meet my internet friend in the first place. Why does it have to go anywhere because we met?”

“It doesn’t have to but it does make sense.”

“I can see your point.”

“You know I’m surprised you’re not madder at him. All that anger you had couldn’t have just disappeared,” Leandra interjected, “you are so zen right now.”

“Oddly enough all the talking we did before we knew who we were really clarified things for me. Had I known it was Chris I was talking to, things might’ve been a little different but I understand more. I’m not completely over feeling betrayed and he knows that but it’s not as bad as it was.”

“Did you sleep with him?”

“Yes and no.”

“What!”

Robyn laughed, “I told you we slept in the same bed together already but we have not had sex.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Why?”

“You and Chris, the two freaks of the century, actually slept in the same bed together and did not have sex.”

“Yes. Why is that so unbelievable?”

“Because it’s you two.”

Robyn laughed, “It’s also been seven years. You’d think I’d succumb to him that quickly?”

“Considering you haven’t had sex in seven years, hell yea.”

They all laughed as Robyn rolled her eyes, “I want to be surprised but it’s you, Lele.”

“But you also know that I’m right. You really don’t want to see how it is after all this time?”

“No, I’m not even thinking of him like that.”

Leandra sucked her teeth as she flipped her hair over shoulder, “we’ll see, Ms. Robyn.”

“There is nothing to see, Le-” Robyn stopped as her phone started ringing. She looked at the screen and saw it was Chris, “speak of the devil.”

She cleared her throat then answered the phone, “Hey Stranger.”

Chris sat up in his bed as he heard Robyn answer the phone. He knew it was getting late but was taking a chance on her not being asleep, “How you doing, Beautiful?”

“I’m great. How are you?” She replied.

“I’m good. I was taking a chance on you being awake since it’s getting late.”

“It is the weekend and I am off. Nothing to explain about.”

“Great. Do you have plans this weekend?”

“None that can’t be rearranged depending.”

“I was wondering if you were free Saturday evening for dinner.”

“I would love to go to dinner.”

“Just to clarify, this is a date, date. Not a friendship date. Not a I’m just in your neighborhood, let's hang out kind of thing.”

“Ok. You didn’t have to clarify, Christopher.”

“I just don’t want you to feel like I tricked you in any way. My intentions are honorable but I would like to take you on a real date, if that’s feasible.”

“Thank you for the clarification but my answer is still yes.”

Chris blew out a sigh of relief and Robyn laughed, “were you not breathing that whole time?”

“Are you gonna clown me if I say yes?”

“No, I’ll let you slide this time. You really don’t have to be so nervous around me, Chris. I am not being your friend under duress”

“I know, it’s just my insecurity rearing its ugly head. My apologies.”

“Do you want to talk about it? I’m not doing much right now.”

“No, I don’t want to put-”

“Christopher.”

“Yes?”

“It’s not a burden. Now take a deep breath and talk to me.”

“I’m just psyching myself out, I guess.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re still here and I wasn’t prepared for it.”

“What do you mean?”

“I thought you’d be tired of me by now.”

“Why?”

“There’s not too much interesting about me or my life.”

“I’d beg to differ but even if there wasn’t, I could still just want to be around you. Why is that so shocking to you? Are you expecting me to spontaneously become angry about our past and hate you?”

“Honestly, yes.”

“Please do not take what I’m about to do as a dismissal.”

Robyn burst out laughing and Chris groaned into the phone,” Christopher, that is the most asinine thing I have ever heard. If I was still angry, I would not still be talking to you. I don’t do petty. I don’t do revenge. I am an adult and I can adequately express my displeasure in something without writing it off completely. I am beyond the anger stage. I’m in a place of understanding while you seem to be operating from a place of guilt. Am I right?”

“You’re right.”

“So it seems that you are the problem here and not me, correct?”

“Correct.”

“So how are we gonna fix that?”

“I’m thinking I might need to see my therapist.”

“Whatever works for you.”

“So I’ll be at your place around 6: 30 pm tomorrow night, is that ok?”

“That’s perfect.”

“Enjoy the rest of your night.”

“You do the same. Is there any kind of special attire?”

“Nothing too fancy but not super casual either.”

“I’ll see what I can do. Have a good night, Christopher.”

“You too, Robyn.”

Chris hung up and tossed his phone beside him before grabbing a pillow to scream into.

“Girl, you sounded like me talking to Max,” Leandra said with a laugh.

“Chris can be his own worst enemy sometimes,” Robyn replied, “he thinks I’m being nice to him to get back at him.”

“We heard but what’s happening Saturday?”

“He wants to take me on a date.”

“Oooh, where you going?”

“He just said out to dinner, I’m not sure where.”

“What are you wearing?”

“I don’t know.”

“Good. Shopping trip tomorrow then.”

“We do not have time for your kind of shopping trips, Leandra.”

“We can abbreviate it.  Y’all are going on a real date so you need to pull out all the stops. We’ll check on Nordstrom’s for an outfit, come back here, I'll do your hair and makeup. Simple.”

“Nothing is ever simple with you.”

“You will love me for it. Trust me. And Chris will too.”

“Now I’m scared.”

They all laughed.

                                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Robyn’s nervousness melted away when Chris walked into her living room with Leandra and Melissa hanging off each arm. His eyes met hers and stuck causing her to blush, “can y’all let the man go please?”

Melissa scoffed, “we haven’t seen him in seven years and y’all don’t have to leave yet, relax. I missed my little brother.”

“Psshh, I think Leandra is the only one who didn’t reach out to him this whole time.”

“Actually, I did but I got his voicemail,” Leandra interjected, “ Lucky for him because I was gonna call him all kinds of names for skipping out on us.”

Chris shook his head, “I would’ve deserved.”

“Damn right,” Melissa said, “but Lele and I have plans so we’ll be going now.”

Chris kissed both of their cheeks before they hugged Robyn and left. Chris moved to sit on the couch next to her and patted her knee, “those two are still characters.”

“They always will be.”

“Glad some things haven’t changed.”

“True. So how are you?”

“I’m good. You look amazing.”

“Thank you. Leandra forced me to buy something new. Apparently my current wardrobe isn’t date appropriate.”

Chris chuckled, “I think your current wardrobe is you and that’s perfect.”

“Thank you. You’re really sweet.”

“Ouch.”

“Why the ouch?”

“You’re really sweet is such a curve statement.”

Robyn laughed, “Omg Chris, really?”

“Yes really.”

“But what if I really do think you’re really sweet.”

“It’s been so long how could you remember.”

“We did kiss a while ago. On the corner of the mouth.”

“And?”

“That’s all I’m admitting to.”

Chris laughed as he held his hands up in playful surrender, “I’ll take that but we could remedy that.”

“After dinner.”

“After dinner then. Are you ready to go?”

“Yup. Lead the way.”

Robyn let out an audible sound of awe as they stood by the car at the entrance of Chelsea Pier, “this is gorgeous. What’s going on here tonight?”

“It’s a jazz performance. A few of the local student groups for the major universities in NY are doing a fundraiser.”

“Are some of your students performing?”

“It’s possible, I didn’t check for specific performers of each group.”

“Do you perform anywhere?”

“Not anymore. I did once or twice a few years back.”

“Is that why you gave me the name Christian?”

“Partly. I know there’s videos of my performances online which lead back to my social media which of course would’ve told you everything.”

“You know since you told me this, you totally have to show me these videos.”

“One of these days I’ll get loose enough to not be embarrassed to show you.”

Robyn chuckled, “I’m sure you did well, why be embarrassed?”

“I was fairly nervous performing so I don’t think I did too well.”

“What did everyone else say?”

“That I did well but I think I’m harsher on myself than anyone else.”

“That, I can believe.”

“So what hobbies did you pick up?”

“Other than reading more, none.”

“Really?”

“I’m not the creative type.”

“You used to say that back in the day too but you never know until you try something.”

“What do you think I should try?”

“What have you always wanted to try?”

“How about something we’d both be learning at the same time?”

“How about sculpting or something?”

“Hmm...that sounds good.”

“I guess we need to schedule another date then.”

“You would like that, wouldn’t you?”

“Of course,” Chris replied as he grabbed her hand. They had walked up to the restaurant hosting the fundraiser event. The maitre’d smiled at them as they searched for Chris’s name on the list. Upon finding it, they led them to a table by the window. They smiled their thanks as they took their seats and accepted a menu.

“This is a nice spot.” Robyn stated.

“Thanks. I wasn’t sure if you wanted to be outside. It can get a bit cool since it’s still early in the season.”

“Very thoughtful. Thank you.”

Robyn swayed gently to the current group of musicians playing a jazz-rendition of a classic R&B song by Tony Terry. Chris watched as she started to mouth the words and leaned into his palm, thoroughly enjoying her enchantment with the music. Just then he felt his phone vibrate with a text message from Jessica.

Jessica: Chris, I need to bring Anesa to you. There’s something going with Jason.

Chris: I’m at the restaurant we used to go at Chelsea Pier

Jessica: I’ll be there in ten minutes

Chris: you were already in the city?

Jessica: Yes, I had to drive down here for Jason. It was supposed to be over quick but we’re still here. I’m trying to keep this nigga out of jail

Chris: SMH, you need a new boyfriend

Jessica: I’m figuring that out

Chris: LOL

Chris gingerly touched Robyn’s hand, bringing her attention back to him, “we have a dilemma.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Jessica needs to bring Anesa to me. She has an emergency.”

“Oh, is she ok?”

“It’s her boyfriend. Long story.”

“If you need to cut the date short, I’ll understand.”

“No, I would like to continue this but we might have to switch plans because of Anesa.”

“That’s fine.”

“You sure? I know this was supposed to this big date and I’m gonna have to-”

“Chris, it’s not like we’re not gonna see each other. I am not worried about the change of plans. I’m having a really good time.”

“I can tell. You’ve barely said anything to me since we’ve sat down.”

Robyn shrugged, “music centers me a bit.”

“Oh I’m not complaining. Watching you has been a highlight. How was your dinner?”

“It was amazing. I never considered blackened catfish but I love it. I’m used to grilled or steamed.”

“I’ll have to make a southern dinner from scratch one of these days.”

“I would like that.”

“Good.”

“Is Jessica far away?”

“She said 10 minutes but I’m guessing it’ll be more like 20 if she’s where I think she’s coming from.”

“We could walk for a little bit before we meet her outside.”

“You don’t want anything else to eat or drink?”

“Nope, I think I’m good.”

Chris gestured for the waitress and paid for their food before leading Robyn out to the front.

Robyn tucked her hand in his, “so which way do we go?”

“Hmm...to the right, I believe there is a small park. To the left, would be towards the parking lot.”

“Then to the right it is.”

Robyn leaned in his arm as they started walking, “what led you to fostering?”

“Besides me wanting a child?”

“Besides that.”

“I just thought I was in the right place and I had a capacity for love that I wasn’t utilizing. I’ve always loved children and had a good rapport with them, I figured what better way to use it than to give it to a child that needs it. I had already decided against getting into another relationship.”

“That really surprises me.”

“Why?”

“I mean you’ve clearly healed and done well for yourself. Why stay single?”

“I had my dream girl and I blew it. There wasn’t anyone else out there I really wanted to be involved with.”

“I guess.”

“I could ask you the same question.”

“I was still trying to make sense of the divorce. Adding a new person to my life just didn’t sound like a good idea.”

“But you still could’ve been in a relationship amid all of that.”

“At the risk of inflating your ego, there wasn’t anyone else I wanted to be with.”

“That actually makes me feel more guilty than hype.”

“Why? Because you wanted me to date someone else.”

“Actually yes.”

“Are you really that worried that you ruined me?”

“Very. Not saying relationships are the only way to be happy but I know how much you enjoyed it. You’re very independent but you’re also affectionate and loving, you deserve to share that with someone who’ll give it back to you.”

“I can’t give it to myself?”

“Of course you can but you know what I mean.”

“I do. I’m just picking with you.”

Chris chuckled then kissed her temple, “wanna make a u-turn? Jess should be here by now.”

“Sure. That was a quick 10 minutes.”

“Time flies when you’re having fun.”

“True. So what are we going to do once we get Anesa?”

“I will leave that up to you and her. I want it to be something fun for both of you.”

“I'm good for a movie and relaxing on the couch.”

“I’m trying to do something extraordinary and you are shooting me down at every turn.”

“Who says that extraordinary requires an exuberant amount of energy or money? In my old age, just spending time with a person is extraordinary to me.”

“Well when you put it that way, I feel special.”

“You should. Most people don’t get past one phone call with me.”

“Really?”

“Yes really. The fact you got past the first chat with me is a miracle.”

“I guess that prayer I sent up before we left your house was answered.”

Robyn laughed, “you’re still just as dramatic as you ever were.”

“I’ve tried to mellow it out a bit.”

“Just a bit is right”

“Right in the heart.”

“I never miss, Christopher, if you haven’t figured that out.”

“It has been duly noted.”

They laughed as they made their way back towards the restaurant. 

[donnerpartyofone]

reasons my i am probably too sensitive to have anything to do with other people

including other people’s drama that has absolutely nothing to do with me

i started reading this person’s new webcomic on instagram a month or two ago, and what started out as a fun little time killer that i looked forward to every day has started making me so uncomfortable that i wish i’d never heard of it. it takes place right now, in an especially embattled US city, and it’s about the dysfunctional lives of a bunch of shallow millennials, set against the backdrop of an increasingly dangerous country in an unpredictable state of revolt. it’s solidly engaging, convincingly characterized, and rendered in a unique funny animal style; i wasn’t surprised to discover that it’s going to be published soon by the most reputable publisher of this sort of thing. at first, i was impressed by it because i thought the behavior and dialog of its insecure young people was so well observed. it felt like one of the only things of its kind that i’ve read, more or less about real people living right now, that was neither a broad ugly satire, nor a pretentious drama exaggerating the specialness of its characters. the other thing i liked about it was that while it was largely about their sex lives, it didn’t seem at all sexy to me. the artist has a kind of distorted, rough-hewn visual style that i thought put some emotional distance between the overheated state of the characters, and the real consequences of their decisions. then it all got weird.

the artist stuck a really long, graphic sex scene in the middle of story that made me think...oh, maybe i AM supposed to be getting off to this? that’s weird, this all seems really bad to me, like every character is just mindlessly, selfishly bent on destruction and not doing much to make me like them, and i’d been reading along thinking “god i’m SO GLAD i’m not in my 20s anymore and i don’t have to deal with people like this--or with the pressure to act like this, as if using sex to create drama and being ‘crazy’ is the ultimate thing a person can do with their life”--and then suddenly it felt like maybe the comic was actually some kind of celebration of this lifestyle, or at the very least it’s an intensely sentimental portrait of a time of life, and of types of people, that i cannot imagine feeling sentimental about. then something else happened that made the comic even MORE uncomfortable to read, somehow: it had been gaining traction at an amazing pace, with tons of people leaving comments to the tune of “noooo don’t do it!”, the way you would yell at someone in a horror movie not to go back for the cat, as each character made the worst possible personal choice in every daily installment. the “don’t go in there!” response seemed pretty natural to me, but then the artist stepped in and made this announcement threatening to stop doing the comic altogether if the readers wouldn’t stop criticizing the characters. pretty much everyone in the comments was like “???”. many apologized if their comments were offensive, although they had no idea what they could have said that was wrong; other people, who seemed more sure that they were the ones being accused, said that they thought you were SUPPOSED to feel critical of the characters’ obviously bad decisions. that was how i felt, and at that point i was just enormously glad that i never comment on shit online or get involved in any type of community shit, especially when the artist started explaining laboriously that all of the characters represent some facet of the artist themselves and so therefore none of them are meant to be seen in a bad light at all and they’re all meant to be loved unconditionally and if you find yourself thinking mean things about the characters then you are effectively shitting all over the artist as a person. a lot of readers fell all over themselves to be supportive, and i just thought...this isn’t something you should support, though. it sucks that the artist is feeling so sensitive, but they’re about to have a book out in the world where they won’t have any ability to threaten readers who are “reading it wrong” or having incorrect thoughts about it. i mean...life is full of uncomfortable experiences and people you can’t relate to, i really don’t think we should be promoting this hopeless sanitization of all experiences in which trigger warnings used to be something that protected traumatized people from being randomly confronted with traumatic material, and now they’re used to just make sure nobody ever has to hear anything they don’t like, ever. anyone who cares about this artist should be helping them understand that they cannot control how people read their book or how they feel about each character and story in it. or failing that, they should be encouraged to just turn off instagram comments. but because of all this drama, i found myself reading all the comments obsessively--something i did when the blowup first happened, because i couldn’t find anything in there that i thought was mean or offensive, which added to my uncomfortable fascination with the whole thing--and that’s when i spotted a comment where somebody asked the artist is this was a furry comic. i wish this didn’t blow my mind, but it kind of did. i mean, it’s a book where almost all the characters are animals, and they occasionally have a bunch of raunchy sex. i think that if you’re a furry, meaning you’re interested in that sort of thing, this book is completely available for you to enjoy however you want. but this person needed the artist to FORMALLY CATEGORIZE IT as a furry comic. what the fuck is the meaning of that? it struck me as something that people in fandoms do, where they need every single thing to be labeled to death in an intensive and intractable way like it was science, the Final Word on everything in the universe, and they like *argue with each other* about whether they’re *allowed* to ship certain characters together or imagine them doing specific things, which is something you would only worry about if you thought the topic represented a literal material reality that could be adversely affected by people’s improper thoughts. i mean imagine if you felt that way about your jerkoff fantasies about fictional characters? that your horny thoughts are up for debate by hundreds of people you don’t even know? imagine feeling like that about OTHER PEOPLE’S jerkoff fantasies, like it’s worth fighting over and trying to CONTROL? like holy fucking shit you guys, STOP IT. it would even be one thing to ask the artist if THEY were a furry, which may or may not be anybody’s business, but to ask whether interpreting the comic through a furry lens is ALLOWED is like...well, actually, maybe it’s exactly in line with the artist’s recently expressed attitude, that you’re forced to think of the book in exactly the way that they personally think about it, or else you should have your reading privileges revoked. so now i’m still reading the comic, sort of compulsively, because i’m a little addicted to the soap opera of it and i’m ALSO a little addicted to the soap opera of the artist battling the readers over finding the correct orthodoxy for reading the comic--there’s a particular guy i’ve become aware of in the comics community because he is always harassing people with this mix of really caustic sarcasm and really bitter political self-righteousness, and he was surely the main person who was being “mean” to the characters, and HE’S STILL DOING IT IN EXACTLY THE SAME WAY, because i guess the artist would rather have problems with people than simply block them and eliminate them from the equation? but the whole entire thing is making me so uncomfortable i can hardly stand it. reading about like, dumb hot chicks with no self-control, and smug young shitheads who use the veil of progressiveness to hide or justify their predatory sexual behavior, and grownass adults who start drama with 20 year olds in order to feel relevant, AND being forced to know that the artist intends for me to embrace and adore all of this bad shit--like, people and things i left behind in real life, because it was all bad!--with ultimate love and compassion, or else they reserve the right to claim that they’re being personally attacked, has just become too much to take. it’s starting to make me feel sick. i really need to take the reigns on this thing. as much as the artist needs to forget about this control fantasy and stop being so precious about what they’re doing, i need to stop subjecting myself to something i find painful, embarrassing, and frankly creepy, if i ever wanna get back to a state where i have less to complain about.

tl;dr: stupid hipster is too sensitive to read a webcomic by a stupid hipster who is too sensitive for anyone to read their webcomic.

[alarawriting]

Inktober 2020 #4: Radio

Based on the prompt originally from @writing-prompt-s, “You’re taking a road trip in a 5 seater car. Each seat is filled with you, but at various points in your life. One of you strikes up a conversation.”

***

I’m in the driver’s seat, with myself at forty on the passenger side, window down of course, just like I’d do if I wasn’t driving. My selves at ten and twenty are sitting in the bucket seats in the middle row of the minivan, with Ten behind Forty and Twenty behind me, and Thirty is in the back, lying sprawled across the entire seat. My Pandora feed is playing through the radio, and right now, it’s Area 27’s “Driving With The Future Self”, which is apropos, though technically, I am the only one who’s not.

“I hate vans,” Twenty complains. “I can’t put down the window. Why do you even have one?”

“Four kids,” Forty says, and Twenty is taken aback. Ten, however, seems impressed.

“Do you have a lot of cats?” she asks.

“Too many,” Thirty complains from the back seat, so apparently she hasn’t fallen asleep.

“I’ve got small windows open in the back, or I could open my window all the way, and the air would get back to you,” I tell Twenty.

“Roll down your window, it’s better than nothing. Ugh. Why are you driving a car that has windows you can’t open?”

“I’m pretty sure Forty answered that,” I said.

“What, don’t they make vans where the side windows open?”

“Pretty much no. I could maybe have gotten an SUV—”

“AKA, a death trap on wheels—” Thirty calls from the back.

“But as you can see, I don’t want to.”

“What’s an SUV?” Ten asks, young enough that it doesn’t bother her to demonstrate ignorance. I happen to know Twenty doesn’t know what they are either.

“Sports Utility Vehicle. They range from ‘pickup truck, except with a roof and back seats’ to ‘I took this regular car and pasted it onto the wheels of this ice cream truck,’” I say, rolling down my window. “Is that any better?”

“Yeah, but now it’s hard to hear.”

“You and Ten have the best hearing, so you’re just gonna have to tough it out,” I say. “Better miss some words than feel nauseous, right?”

“This is great,” Ten says. “I finally found an adult who will take my issues seriously. Too bad it’s my own older self.”

“It could be worse,” Twenty says. “You could find out that your older self doesn’t care about your issues, which I am not sure is not going on.”

“Oh, for gods’ sake, Twenty, I have a minivan because it moves large families and drywall for construction projects and a million boxes of books when I am moving, or storing extra books, and unfortunately they don’t have them where the gas mileage is pretty good, the reliability record is excellent, and the windows go down. Cheap, fast, good, pick two. I picked gas and reliability.”

“I’m glad you picked gas,” Ten says. “And that you have the windows down instead of the air conditioning. We have to save energy.”

“Does anyone even care about that anymore?” Thirty complains.

“I thought I’d ride a bicycle,” Twenty says. “Not contribute to pollution and wasting gas.”

“I want you to think back to the time we rode a bicycle three miles to our friend’s horse barn, and then maybe you will have the answer for why no bicycles,” Thirty says.

“Actually, it’s because I broke my tailbone having kids, and I can’t sit on the damn things,” Forty says.

“Actually, it’s because of all those things, plus cities aren’t great places for bikes, plus hard to tow young children, plus now I’m old and my knees are shot,” I say. “I could probably come up with half a dozen other reasons.”

“Do you at least have a short commute? Please tell me you have a short commute,” Thirty, who suffered a severe depressive episode that was at least in part caused by a 5 hour daily commute, says.

“I work from home.”

Thirty is now sitting up. She cheers. “Yes!”

“How does that work?” Twenty asks, puzzled. “Wouldn’t you have to go into the lab?”

Oh, wow. I’d forgotten. Twenty still thinks she’s going to graduate college and go to grad school and become a scientist. Forty says, delicately, “We do IT now, actually.”

“What’s IT?” Ten asks. “Aside from the villain in A Wrinkle In Time.”

“Information Technology. We work with computers.”

“We’re programmers?” Twenty asks, dismayed.

This is why I never made the big bucks in IT. “No. More like… oh, hell, it won’t make any sense to you. You don’t even have the Internet yet.”

“The College of Engineering has it,” Twenty says, “but I don’t think the College of Arts and Sciences can get it. Why is it useful and what do we do with it?”

I’m taking this – even Forty’s not quite far enough along to fully understand. Things change fast. “You remember Phenoma Jones’ Phenomenally Weird Phenomenon?”

“I just made that up,” Ten says. “Just, like, a month ago or something.”

“Yeah, of course I remember it if you do,” Twenty says.

This is not entirely accurate. Thirty doesn’t remember the shelf of dolls we had in our bedroom as a child, or more accurately, Thirty doesn’t think about it. Forty just found a picture of it and it reminded her so hard and made her so nostalgic she paid a lot of money to get hold of “new” used versions of all our old dolls, plus a lot of random extras. She still thinks she’s gonna make money selling the random extras. I’d forgotten the Silver Kitten until my brother brought it up a year ago – a story I told about a silver statue that was a stylized number 8 with cat ears and a simple cat face on top, which was somehow alive and powerful. I don’t remember the details. Ten probably does, but I don’t want to derail the conversation by asking her, because she will tell me, at great length, and I can’t bear to hurt myself by interrupting her and making her stop infodumping the way I remember everyone else doing. At my age I know why they did it, but the memory still hurts. So Forty doesn’t remember it and probably not Thirty either.

“Okay, so you know how in those playings, in the future, there’ll be a network connecting all the computers and there’s shows on it and you pay a little bit of money for each show?”

“Yeah,” Ten says.

“That’s real. That’s happening.”

Her eyes go wide. “I predicted the future?”

“You’re not psychic, you just read the right science fiction. And you didn’t get it perfect. Instead of microtransactions to buy a show, we usually subscribe to a service that gives us shows we want.”

“Like cable,” Twenty says.

“Yes, but it doesn’t suck. Instead of thirty million channels and half of them are sports, it’s like a library of videotapes on your computer and you can watch any of them anytime you want.”

“Can you make your own?” Ten, who is very interested in making videotapes, says, and tears prick my eyes. Because yes, Ten, yes, people all over the world make their own and they put them on Youtube, but it’ll come too late for you. You’ll be thirty-five with a tiny baby and a lot of insecurity about your looks and no time to record yourself, and by the time you have the time you’re even older and there’s so many other things you need to do with your time, because it’s running out.

“I think so,” Forty says. “Right, Fifty?”

“Yeah. Our kids have done some of them. We really don’t, though.”

“Oh,” Ten says, disappointed. “Why not?”

I’m not going to tell her because of insecurity about how we look. She’ll understand that well enough but think we just need to push past it, like she does. But Twenty finally likes her appearance, and Thirty doesn’t think she’s too bad looking, and I don’t want to tell them that someday they’re going to see themselves in the mirror and think they look like a short, squat troll or something. And Ten won’t understand what it does to you to finally think you’re beautiful, after suffering with thinking you’re ugly your entire childhood, and then losing it.

“We have other stuff we do,” I say vaguely. “Like learning German.”

“That’s great, but it doesn’t answer my question about what we do for a job. Do we do something with these shows?”

“No. Not the shows. But people put their files up on the Internet as well, and they send emails – messages through the computer—”

“I am smart enough to figure that out from context,” Twenty says disapprovingly. I’ve forgotten what an arrogant twit she could be sometimes. Well, to be honest, I didn’t forget because I never knew. When I was her age, I thought my behavior was fine.

“Right. Subscription services exist for that too. We help people get onto those services, move over any emails or files they had on a different service, and fix their problems.”

Forty is dismayed. “Really? That sounds horrible. Is that tech support? Don’t we get to do anything with data?”

“Sometimes,” I shrug, lying.

If I thought telling them all about everything would change anything for me, I would. But I don’t know how we all get out of this car without me being the only one who remembers any of it, because I don’t remember ever being in a car with my future selves. Either they’re from alternate universes or nothing I say can change their fates, because they won’t remember.

“Are we at least published?” Ten asks. “Tell me we’re published.”

“We have a few short stories published in some anthologies and magazines.”

Twenty is horrified. “Only that? After I’ve written all these stories?”

“The problem is that you suck and nothing you wrote is publishable as-is,” Forty says.

“What do you mean, I suck?”

“Twenty,” I say, because I’ve learned some diplomacy in the past ten years, “everything you’re writing goes into making us the writer we become. Thirty’s pretty damn good. And regardless of whether you ‘suck’ or not, I have a project going on where I’m publishing your stuff online. But it’s for free, on my—” I stop. She won’t know the word “blog”, or even “web page.” “—online journal. I’m editing things to bring them up to my current standard, but if you weren’t writing so much right now, I wouldn’t have anything to draw from.”

“Why aren’t we making money publishing books?” Ten demands.

Forty says, “Because fanfic. When you’re sixteen you’ll start writing stories about Battle of the Planets, and you’ll know you can’t publish them, but you’ll do it anyway. Then you’ll discover a place where there are other fans of the show and its original Japanese version.”

“Writing stories about shows where you can’t publish it in a magazine or a book and you can’t make money is called fan fiction,” Thirty says. “Or fanfic for short.”

“Fanfic’s great, but I’m still writing original stuff,” Twenty says.

“You’ll stop,” Thirty says. “You get instant feedback from writing fanfic – we can put it on the internet, we don’t need to worry about xeroxing two dozen copies anymore and waiting six months to hear anything from anyone. And the instant feedback’s addictive. I thought I’d be able to overcome it and write some books, but apparently, according to these guys, no.”

“I’m doing the 52 Project now,” I tell Forty, since she’s the only one who knows what I’m talking about.

“Now? Like… not eight years ago?”

“Now,” I say. “We needed a fire to light under our asses and we finally got one.” I won’t tell her what it was.

“What’s the 52 Project?” Ten asks.

“52 stories, one a week, every week, for a whole year. That’s where your stories are going, Twenty. And some of your ideas, Ten. I’ve lost everything you ever actually wrote, but it’s ok – you’re going to find a style that doesn’t sound like Mom next year, and a little while after that, I have everything you’ll write. Also, I wrote a kids’ book based on Superkitty.”

“Wow!” Ten says. “But how can you have Underdog in it? Wouldn’t that be fanfic?”

“I changed a lot of things,” I admit. “In my story, Superkitty’s ten. She doesn’t have a hundred family members, just Lara Kitty and a little brother. She’s not working as a slave of the dogs, she lives in Kookalariland, but her family are refugees because the dogs really did take over her home country. And the Underdog character is named Arthur Boy.”

Underdog’s secret identity was Shoeshine Boy. “I see what you did there,” Forty says, grinning. “I assume this isn’t published yet.”

“No. I finished it this year but it’s the first children’s book we’ve ever done – young adult novels, sure, but this is a chapter book for second graders, so I need someone who’s willing to look it over and tell me if it’s good before I send it to an agent.”

“So why are you doing everything now?” Thirty asks. “Did fanfic stop being fun, or did we manage to wean ourselves off it, and if so, how?”

“That rhymed,” Ten tells us all. No one tells Ten that that was not important information because all of us remember being what it was like to be Ten.

“Stuff has happened,” I say. “You know, no one lives forever, and I’m fifty. I need to think about the fact that there’s more time behind me than ahead of me, and I don’t want to disappoint all of you. Maybe if it was just me, I could just go writing fanfic until the end of time, but I know what you all wanted and I don’t want to let you down.”

Thirty says, slowly, “Fifty? Why isn’t there a Sixty in the car with us?”

I almost think I can see a Sixty. She fades in and out in the back seat. Might be my imagination, all the rest of them are as real as anything. “I can guess why, but for obvious reasons, I don’t actually know.”

“Is it diabetes.” Forty says that like it’s not a question.

“Yeah, but also other stuff.” I make a decision. Forty is past the point where any of our children were born; nothing she does can change my timeline enough to make my kids disappear. Either she won’t remember, or nothing will change for me but she can change her own timeline… or maybe she can fix things. The last decade was when everything went to hell. “High blood pressure. Took us a while to get the right medication for that. Then diabetes. Then breast cancer.”

No one in the car says anything until Forty bursts out, “That’s not fair! We don’t even have a family history of cancer—”

“Mom’s going to die of it,” I tell Forty.

“Mom dies?” Ten is appalled. She knew, of course, that people die, but hearing it as a thing that actually happened to Mom is freaking her out. I guess she thought Mom would live a ridiculously long time.

“Lung or breast?” Forty asks me in the harsh monotone I use when all of my effort is going into not showing my emotions. She really doesn’t have to; we all know the trick – maybe Ten’s not self-aware enough to know, but the rest of us do – and we know we have emotions. But I also know I’d do the same thing.

“Brain, in the end. It started in the lung.”

“That doesn’t mean we have a family history of cancer, then. She smoked.”

“Then what’s the point?” Ten screams, tears welling up in her eyes. “I tried and tried and tried to get her to quit! She didn’t quit? After all the times I told her about how bad it was for her?”

“That’s not how addiction works,” I say. “Addicts know what’s bad for them but they can’t stop craving it, and that overrides your willpower. Besides, she did quit. Thirty, has she quit yet?”

“Just did, but… I agree with Ten. What’s the point if she’s gonna die of cancer anyway?” I can’t see her, all the way in the back, but I hear it in her voice. Her eyes are going to be wet and she’s struggling as hard as she can not to cry.

“We don’t know. Maybe that gave her more time. Maybe it wasn’t the smoking at all – she was taking medications for issues with diabetes that they say could cause cancer.”

“When?” Forty asks.

“2015. In 2013 around December they’re going to see something on the X-ray of her lung, but they’ll think it’s scar tissue from smoking. In 2014 they’ll find out it’s cancer, but it’ll be too late by then. She’ll die a year later.”

“No, she won’t,” Forty says. “I’m going to stop it. I’m going to tell her – I dunno. Tell her I dreamed about Grandma telling me I have to warn her about that scar and she needs to get more tests.”

“Yeah, she’ll buy that,” Thirty agrees.

“I hope you can,” I say, “but… I don’t remember ever having ridden in a car with the rest of you, so I don’t know if you can.”

“Maybe this is the start of the paradox cycle,” Thirty says. “Then on the next iteration everything will be different.”

“How did we even get in this car, anyway?” Twenty asks. “And where are we going?”

“More important,” Forty says. “When did you get cancer and how serious is it? Is it related to diabetes? When did you get that?”

“2017 for the diabetes but honestly, probably right after Mom died, because we were too fucked up to go to a doctor and we pretended nothing was happening. And then we did the same goddamn thing about a lump in our breast in 2016 because they said they couldn’t see anything but we should go for more tests, but we lost the paperwork so we didn’t. In 2017 the lump started hurting, so we did go for the tests, and it was cancer. I lost the breast. This is a fake.” I thump my chest. “They say they think they got it all, but there isn’t any test you can undergo yet to find out if the damn thing has popped up somewhere else. The other breast’s clean. They’re giving me drugs that kill my sex drive and are going to ruin my marriage eventually, most likely, because the cancer responds to female hormones.”

I think Ten might be grossed out or upset by talking about sex drive, but I’ve forgotten. Ten can treat the subject of sex as if it’s a clinical matter of interest. She’s the one who tried to explain the birds and the bees to my uncle when she was five. Well, I guess all of us are.

Thirty mutters, “I might get more done that way…”

“You won’t,” I say.

“You’re actually publishing stuff that isn’t fanfic now, are you sure?”

“I’m going to change it,” Forty says. “I’m going to change all of it. I’ll warn Mom. I’ll fix our eating habits now so we don’t get diabetes until later. I won’t let the breast thing go. I’ll change everything. None of the rest of you change anything; if you try to alter the timeline you might erase our kids. But I can do it. I can start the writing earlier, too.”

There’s so much she could theoretically change that she really can’t. I can’t warn her about Donald Trump; she won’t have any power to do anything about it, any more than she did in 2015 and 2016. Same with COVID – she has no power to change that. I could tell her about the issues with the marriage but if I did, I risk Thirty deciding to break up with her boyfriend, who is my future husband and the father of my children. There’s one thing I can say, though. “If you can actually change anything… you’re gonna get the other house. Make sure Dad puts it in your name. Mom and Dad will have issues with some of our pets and it’ll be really upsetting when the house is a mess and they come to visit and complain about the house all day because it’s their house.”

“…How does Dad end up getting involved with the house?” Forty asks.

“Too complicated to explain,” I say, “and not an issue you need to force to exist.” Forty just attempted to get that house – the other half of our duplex – and failed because the underwriters for FHA loans refused to believe she was buying it to live in it rather than rent it out, and she didn’t have enough money to buy it the other way. It’ll work out better the way it actually happened, because Dad got it for a lot less money than Forty would have been able to buy it for, but she needs to not have the specter of how we are treating “their” house hanging over every interaction with Mom and Dad until Mom is dead. Especially if she can do something about Mom dying.

“Is there anything I need to watch out for?” Thirty asks Forty, or maybe me, or both of us.

“Nothing we can tell you. You’re going to have kids. Anything, however small, that you change could affect the timing of that and make you end up with completely different kids.”

Thirty considers that, and then nods. “Okay, good point.”

“Is everything really going to be terrible?” Ten asks. “It sounds like all the awful stuff happens between Forty and Fifty, and then we don’t even know, but… isn’t there anything good?”

“We’re not going to be what we thought we would be,” I say. “We’re not going to change the world. We’re not going to be the Uber-Feminist and whip our man into doing everything we say.” Ten is the only person here who even thought there was a chance of that one, really. “We’re not going to be published novel writers by this time. But we’ll have written four million words, most of it fanfic, most of it good, and we’ll actually enjoy reading it over, and it will always be a huge thrill to hear from someone who liked it. We’ll make many friends, over time, and there will be times when there aren’t any, but there will be times when there are a lot. We’ll make a huge difference in the lives of at least three children who aren’t biologically ours. We’ll learn a lot about ourselves and why we are the way we are and we’ll finally feel like we belong to the human race and there are others like us out there. And we’re also going to publish fifty-two stories in fifty-two weeks.”

“Well, I mean, we don’t know that,” Thirty says. “Unless you’re done.”

“Nope. Halfway through, though. And we’ll learn a lot about how to write short stories that way, and I’m sure that next year we can use that to write new ones that we can publish. It’s not over yet, girls.”

“But maybe you don’t have very much time,” Thirty says. “Because Sixty’s not here.”

“That’s why we’re in this car,” I say. I didn’t know what I was going to say until I said it, but now that I’m saying it, I feel with all my heart that it’s true. “We’re going to look for her. And if we find her, we’ll look for Seventy. Eighty I’m pretty sure is not happening, but what the hell, we’ll look for her too.”

Jig of Life by Kate Bush is playing on the radio. “This moment in time, she said, it doesn’t belong to you, she said. It belongs to me, and to your little boy and to your little girl and the one hand clapping, where on your palm is my little line, when you’re written in mine as an old memory…”

All of us stop to listen to the song. Ten doesn’t know it, but she likes it. She hasn’t seriously discovered her own tastes in music yet, and that song hasn’t yet been written. Twenty and the rest of them all know it, but only I know what it means.

The four of us who know the song sing along with it, and I start crying, but I keep singing anyway.

[i-am-just-a-kiddo]

2020 year in a review

thanks for tagging me @vishcount, eventhough you probably know all of these answers already. i don’t know if i am gonna do the other one, let’s see.  tagging @the-cloud-whisperer, @sassyassassy, @intyalote as usual, if you have fun with this!  I really tried to rank these amongst the top five, which was a personal challenge for me, so don’t take these rankings too seriously.  my answers below the cut cause there is a novel incoming:

Top 5 Movies you saw this year

I don’t watch many movies in general, though I have seen quite a handful this year actually? I might have forgotten half of it already tbh

Moonlit Winter (2019) -I have been waiting to find this movie online for ages, so I was incredibly happy when I finally found it at the beginning of this year. It’s wonderful, heartbreaking and raw - about the relationship between mother and daughter, about lost queer love between the mother and her friend, about life in general. I cried buckets.

Parasite (2019) -do I have to say anything? I don’t think so, this movie defined many this year right? 

The King and the Clown (2005) -pleasantly surprised by this one, it made me cry and sad and it’s not a happy gay story but it still touched me so much. also the production is amazing

Mulan (2009) -I rewatched this movie this year after hearing about the chaos that was Mulan 2020, and it still gets me; I don’t know what it is, but it might be the last part of the movie that always hits me like a train and I am back to thinking about  it

Inside The Girls (2014) -not actually a good movie with a horrible name, but certainly interesting and had some potential?? I am listing it because I had a lot of fun watching it with my dear friend vish and it was fun sharing our opinions on that, but I don’t actually recommend it that much (unless of course you wanna see Cheng Yi and Yin Zheng in a movie together being assholes)

Top 5 TV shows you watched this year

I probably watched around 20 shows this year so picking this was hard somehow? I feel like I forgot some gems but I guess these are the ones that stood out to me

Nirvana In Fire (2015) -by far the best show I’ve seen in a long time. The plot, the characters, the production - it really blew me away. I can’t recommend it enough because I still cry about it. 

Winter Begonia (2020) -Funny how I am listing this here so high considering the split opinions I have about this show but damnit, in the end it won me over. It was truly something else wow.

The Stranded (Netflix 2019)  -Another surprise, but I just remembered this little show and it was so good? I really hope we will get a second season because I loved the first one and it was way too short. Also the production of this is so stunning, as well as the interesting set of characters.

Original Sin (2018) -This was a gem I discovered in the latter part of the year, mainly because of Yin Zheng, but when I watched it, it hit my mood perfectly. A crime show that has a beautiful atmosphere and is focused on characters. It has its faults and if you watch it for the cases and the plot, it’s not the most outstanding show but damnit, I watched it twice and loved it. 

YYY: The Series (2020) -Amongst all these BL shows out there, this is my personal gem. It’s a wild ride of crack and sweetness, so enter at your own risk. let me just say I did not expect to bawl my eyes out at this tiny cracky show. 

Top 5 songs of 2020

it really sucks having to choose only five songs but here I go from the huge amount of stuff I have listened to

Black Swan by BTS -this is pure art. in every way, it caters to my taste. I have nothing else to say except that it owns my soul. the visuals, the atmosphere, the music, the lyrics, the performance. it hits all marks and hurts me on a personal level.

Strange (feat. RM) by Agust D  -this mixtape saved me and choosing my fave song from this was difficult but I guess I have to name this iconic collab. The lyrics of this are truly....something else. if you have time, please go check them out, as well as the entire mixtape.

Pain by Vaundy -I have been very obsessed with this song and this singer, he has my heart.

Rien à prouver by Yseult -again, I am just obsessed with this song and her voice, Yseult truly is a goddess to me at this point 

Zombie by Day6  -perfectly captures my mind, my life and my state this year.

Top 5 books you read in 2020   I have only read two novels this year, everything else was either university stuff or poetry, so this is what I am mostly listing here.

Gyeongju. The Capital of Golden Silla by Sarah Milledge Nelson -I used this as my main source for one of my fics I wrote this year and it was perfect. I spent an intense week of only researching for this topic and had a blast; especially this book was a blessing because it gave a good overview of what life back then could have been like.

Call Down the Hawk by Maggie Stiefvater -one of the novels I read this year and I’ve been waiting for this for ages. Like the other books from TRC, I bingeread it on one day and adored it. Am excited for the rest of the trilogy and this new adventure!

Beyond The First Emperor’s Mausoleum: New Perspectives On Qin Art, edited by Liu Yang  -I read this for one of my lectures and I thought it had very interesting essays, namely Archaeological Finds of the Maijiayuan Cemetery and Qin’s Interaction with Steppe Cultures by Wang Hui; and Qin Cosmography and the First Cosmic Capital - Xianyang by David W. Pankenier. 

The Mongol Empire. Betweem Myth and Reality by Denise Aigle -another one I read for lectures and it was a good overview to the broad topic that is the Mongol Empire. 

Night Sky With Exit Wounds by Ocean Vuong -I adore Vuong’s writing style so I hope to read more of his work. This is a beautiful, raw and honest work and I hope many more will read his book and the stories he has to tell. 

+ Bonus: Affinity by Sarah Waters - wlw set in 19th century London; very dark and spooky and very fun to read if you like this sort of atmosphere (as I do).

5 positive things that happened in 2020

i managed to write and create a lot during the first half of this year, which i will treasure greatly. recently i have been struggling a lot - maybe it’s getting back on track now, but i guess i am still proud of all i managed to write/draw/other wise create this year.

amazing new flatmates joined our collective so i feel happy that we have this pleasant dynamic going on currently 

i acquired some new housplants which have made me very happy this year, eventhough i struggle a little bit to keep them completely happy. am truly trying my best

i started taking medications for my depression, anxiety and social phobia in autumn and i think it was for the best. i still struggle from time to time but i truly feel a difference and i am glad this worked out mostly smoothly for me

in september we went on a short holiday in on the countryside and on the last night we all went outside to sit on the pier by a small pond. i will never forget this moment because after what felt like ages, i saw a crystal clear night sky. i haven’t seen so many stars in years and i could even see their reflections on the water, it was so magical and breathtaking. i think it was the one moment that still stands out from everything else. i just wish to return there, on my own, and just lie down for hours

anyway, if you have read through this rambling, i wish you a very happy new year and hope things will get better!! 

[theteej]

“You need to take serious time for yourself, do self-care, or something,” my best friend Mark said to me, uncomfortably earnestly. 

“I’m serious.  You haven’t been letting anything in, and you just have to sit and stop running.  Go process, or feel, or just let it sink in that you did things and you surprisingly don’t suck.”

Fuck, he’s right.

And so that’s what I’m doing.  Last week I booked an Airbnb in La Jolla, a tony coastal enclave of San Diego near where I went to undergrad.  I pretended I was on vacation, but in a pandemic.  I booked a small studio near the water, and planned to spend these next few days reading, reflecting, walking along the ocean, and staying otherwise indoors and trying to wrestle with this whole semester.  I pulled up to the studio last night, unpacked my bags, and cried.  Like cried a lot.  I felt lonely and scared, but also so numb.  I felt a sea of blankness all around me, and a sense of trepidation.

Honestly, I don’t know what to do about all of my stupid feelings.

 

Where to start?

 

I feel like I’ve been anxious nearly my whole life.  It’s absolutely something that developed as a kid with a violent, drunken father.  You learn to live in between heartbeats like that, always testing what’s about to happen, trying to think of the next thing to plan in order to stay safe.  Sure, your brain says tauntingly.  Things are OK right now, but what if they’re not in a few minutes?  Or even worse: Things ARE terrible—what are you going to do if they stay that way forever?  These are the gifts Tyrone Tallie Sr left me, along with an unoriginal legal name and a stubborn widows peak visible whenever I grow my hair out for a few weeks.

Couple that with a natural tendency to think quickly, and you have the birth of a personality that masked my calculating self-security by turning those constant permutations into clever moments for interaction or comment.  Like many people, my wit is born of trauma; the ability to process things in quick time is born out of needing to feel safe, and frequently gets deployed to put others at ease.  That’s one of the weirder contradictory things about being me.  I am simultaneously witty and clever and in control, and I am also always quietly freaking out, or at the very least, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Which is why this has been….a damn semester.  Teaching two classes fully remotely with panicked, overwhelmed students in the shadow of an ever-worsening pandemic that stretches on and on without end and feeling daily gaslighted by the endless selfishness of your fellow citizens—what a gift for the anxious.  Ironically, anxiety helped to a certain extent because I didn’t have the shock of falling into a new world of uncertainty or fear that so many non-anxious folk did this year.  But that’s hardly a gift, is it?  Congratulations! You’re already living as if a bomb can go off at any moment, so you’re not struggling to adjust to the new horror show of life!

Teaching this semester has been…just without any context.  I’ve taught online, but not in this same planned way and with everyone panicking, and the looming threat of pandemic and election.  And yet we did it.  We pulled ourselves together, and my students were honest about their needs and their breakdowns and I tried to model humility and grace and confusion and rage as well as they did.  We didn’t fuck it up.  Or, we all fucked up, and it was okay.  We learned things. Students surprised me, and it was glorious.  I got to be broken and I didn’t die.

It was an intense semester of overworking as well.  I was on a bunch of committees, formal and informal, and we managed to get a new minor—African Studies—passed.  I’ll be heading a new program on campus next year, and that’s exciting and terrifying.  And on top of all of that, I couldn’t stop volunteering for stuff, or talking about things I cared about.  In addition to teaching, I gave fourteen different presentations or talks this semester, an increase in expectations or agreements on my part thanks to the ubiquity of zoom.  It grinds on you: the whole, get up, trudge to the back room, power up a personality for the zoom camera, and pour yourself digitally into a screen, only to feel yourself broken into little packets of light and data and scattered across the universe.

The talks went well.  The student evaluations went well.  Honestly, both were fucking great.  And I haven’t let myself feel a goddamn thing.  I let it slide off me like rain on a waxed deck, the droplets beading on the slick wood before slipping away into the darkness.  I cant let it sink in, because then something good might be happening, and the very skills that have made me capable—the whip-fast reflexes, the self-deprecating humour, the rapid analysis—are also tied to the very deep-seeded anxiety. Everything has to be calculated and understood and prepared for, because at some moment a dark curtain is going to fall over the face of a man with my same name. He will smack me so hard I will go flying out of a chair and hit the wall with a soft, sickly whump, a particularly unpleasant of me at seven that I carry sewn into every cell of my skin and fiber of my being. 

I can’t stop and let it sink in because I have internalized the worst calculus of overachiever life—push harder, don’t stop for the good, that’s normal.  Stop only for the bad to learn from it, take in its horror, and let it never happen to you again.  And so I found myself at the end of the semester holding a bag of relative joy like a party favour, looking around anxiously for bullies to come snatch it out of my hands.

And then Jeopardy fucking happened.

I got to be on television. I got to talk to Alex Trebek, the same man who held my grandmother’s hand on Classic Concentration and saw that her for the beautiful, formidable queen that she was. I got to turn silly trivia knowledge into cash—and I got to do it while being me. And to my confusion—people liked me.  It went well, they felt I resonated with something inside of them, and they liked it.

I do not, in my own skill set, have the tools to deal with that.  I am supposed to be clever and fast, and witty, and engaging and lovable—but I do not know how to actually think of receiving goodness.  I know how to process being witty and clever and delightful—I did what I was supposed to do, good job, next—but I don’t know how to actually take that positivity in.

I keep waiting for all of this to fall apart, for everyone to hate me in the reassuring ways that I distrust or marginalize or disbelieve myself.  And yet, I know that’s not helpful.  Hence, overachiever’s therapy: forcing oneself to prematurely trade on prize money and spend a three day love/relaxation retreat, less than fifteen miles from my own apartment.

I woke up and cried a little.  I then tried to mediate or at least focus on the positives of late.  Nope. Nothing came.  I decided it was time for coffee.  I drank some that I made in the Airbnb, but realized I needed to get outside for a walk.  I changed into a bright yellow caftan and an extra-dramatic face mask, and went for a walk on the streets of La Jolla, the bougie and strange bubble by the sea.

La Jolla can double in weird ways like other parts of the world I frequent.  It feels sometimes like I’m in Durban (if you’re more partial to Umhlanga Rocks or Durban North) or Wellington (if you love Mount Vic or Oriental Bay), or even Vancouver (if you feel like West Point Grey or the haughtiest parts of Kitsilano are your thing).  It’s a rich place, one that I don’t belong in, but one that I can feign a few hours of enjoyment and sun.

Today I walked down palm tree lined streets in the perfect weather, the breeze pushing through my still-short hair with a strange urgency.  I picked up a cold brew coffee and a freshly caught and grilled halibut sandwich that my therapist recommended (we decided to briefly be pescatarian for a day and chalked it up to the ‘medical advice.’), then I turned toward the coast.  I sat for a long time looking at the waves—unsurprisingly—with a bit of anxiety. 

What if I relaxed WRONG?  What if I couldn’t let myself feel joy?  What if I just wasted the day by…eating this sandwich and not fully appreciating the beautiful ocean waves, golden sun, or nature all around me.  After a while I realized that sounded ridiculous, and just forced myself to sit.

And as the old Zulu language dance song “Unamanga” by the late Patricia Majalisa started to filter to my headphones, as I stared out at the sea and the sun, something shifted.  I felt something like, I don’t know, a failure in the sealnt around myself, and some drops dripped in, slowly.  Maybe, just maybe, I didn’t have to do this in a grand gesture.  I could enjoy myself and the small joys I’d found in life so far. 

I could be grateful and quietly glad for the little things that happened.  It wasn’t about deserving it, or about it being worthy of me.  I could imagine for right now, that this was a thing that I could have.  I could sit and marvel that some great shit happened to me, and it was OK.  Let’s not get it twisted—I didn’t have an epiphany, there were no turnbacks on the road to Emmaus.  But I did find a little quietude in my soul for a second and stopped frantically Teflon-ing my heart from joy for a second.

I survived a hell semester, and did well. I got a wonderful opportunity and it went well.  I could just let hat happen and also not ignore that it happened, to focus on negatives in an outsized way.  I could, in this single afternoon moment, be delighted that things had gone okay.  And not worry or strategize about the next disaster, which would happen on its own anyway.  And…that’s all I can do right now.

Also, I’m going to work on this more, this whole letting people love me and letting it sink in.  I usually avoid it because I feel like it keeps me off my game from the inevitable disaster to follow.  But that’s not how I want to live.  I’m going to try to think about what it means that some of you all tell me you love me, and then to show it.  I need to reconcile the nonstop whirligig of my mind also turns menacingly in on itself so often, and that acknowledging the gift of calculated wit and mirth also means I have to cultivate love and joy.

So tomorrow, I’m going to go for a brief run, I’m going to drink some lovely coffee, and I’m going to walk along the ocean again.  (And then I’m going to keep staying in this Airbnb so I don’t catch or spread this plague.)

 

What a fucking semester, y’all.

[lindalevanimamm]

Reality- Chapter 11

The past few weeks have been an adjustment. I started working at Jaehee’s cafe, which is really great. As expected, Jaehee is an amazing boss, and for the most part, the people in this universe are incredibly kind. With some help from Yoosung, I’ve applied to start going to college next semester. I had to get Saeyoung’s help with records. I don’t know how he did it, but I have everything I need to officially live here. I’m mostly enjoying my life, which is weird for me. Normally I’m not happy, but here I have friends and a job and little stress. Zen’s performance is coming up, and he’s got tickets for all of us. I’m really excited about it. I woke up today and went to open the shop with Jaehee. I reluctantly let Saeyoung give me a car, but i’m not keeping it. I told him I’ll only use it until I can get my own. I had decided to bring over dinner, as well as the clothes I borrowed from Saeyoung a few days after the whole drunk incident, but that was when he sent me home with a car. Jaehee and I opened the cafe and got through the morning rush. Around noon, I went on my break. I made myself a cup of coffee and grabbed some food, before sitting down in the back of the cafe. I checked my phone. Unfortunately, no one was online to chat, but there was a text from Saeyoung. I smiled. I read the message and immediately grew nervous. Am I ready? I think so. It’s Saeyoung, I’ll be fine. 

Saeyoung: Hey (Y/N)! This might still be too soon, but would you like to go on an official date soon? 

(Y/N): I would love to! :)

I sat and stared at my phone. I feel conflicted. I know I like Saeyoung, but it still feels weird. How can he like me? I’m, well, me… Saeyoung answered back quicker than I had expected. 

Saeyoung: :). Is tomorrow night too soon? 

(Y/N): I’ll check with Jaehee to try to get off, but it should be fine! 

Saeyoung: perfect 

I tried to hide the smile growing on my face. It will be fun. I know it. I’ll have to go buy something to wear though. I tried to not think about the date and just eat my food, but it was hard. What if I’m too awkward? What if he really changes his mind? What do I do? What do I wear? Ugh. I checked the time. I got up and put my apron back on to get to work. I got back to work, putting on my friendly face for customers. Around an hour later Jaehee stood next to me while I was making a drink. “Is everything okay? You seem to have something on your mind,” Jaehee asked. Oh right I still have to ask her for tomorrow off. What if she needs me? What if it makes her disappointed in me? It’s one night, come on (Y/N). And this is Jaehee, she’ll be honest. “I’m okay,” I paused. “I think. Saeyoung just asked me out.” Her eyes widened slightly before she smiled. 

“It’s about time he asked you. Do you feel ready?” she asked.

“I think so. I’m nervous. I don’t know why I am, it’s just Saeyoung,” I replied.

“I’m sure being nervous for a first date is pretty normal. You don’t need to worry. While Saeyoung is interesting, he’s kind. He won’t try anything.” I smiled. 

“Yeah I know.”

“When is the date?” she asked. 

“Oh yeah, um, he was asking about tomorrow night. I know I’m scheduled to work though so if you need me to I can reschedule,” I offered. Jaehee laughed. 

“No need to do that. I can handle the shop on my own, you can go early, or even take all of tomorrow off.” 

“Thanks Jaehee, you really are the best.” After our short conversation, the cafe started to get busy again. I did my best not to think about tomorrow, but it was hard and it was distracting me. Thankfully, I kept enough focus to make orders correctly. But the clumsiness did ensue. I completely tripped and spilled an entire order on the ground. It was embarrassing. I apologized a million times to both Jaehee and the customer, both of which were really nice about it. My shift came to an end around 3pm. I waved bye to Jaehee and clocked out. First stop, clothing store. One problem though, I don’t know any. I pulled out my phone and searched for a store. I decided to try one called J&N. When I got there I immediately began looking for something to wear, but quickly was overwhelmed. What do I wear? Is this even cute? I was starting to break down in the dressing room. This looks terrible on me. Why did I think I’d look cute in this? I can’t wear this? Wait. Who knows fashion best? Zen. I decided that before giving up entirely, I would ask Zen for help. I sent him a few pictures of some outfits I was looking at. 

(Y/N): *pictures*

(Y/N): Zen helppp!! Saeyoung asked me on a date for tomorrow and I have no idea what to wear or buy

(Y/N): bless me with your knowledge 

I waited, and waited. I sighed. Guess he’s probably busy with rehearsals. I shouldn’t bother him anyway. I started to gather my things before I heard a knock at the dressing room I was in. “(Y/N)?” someone called out. There’s only so many people that know me here. Kinda sounded like Zen. I opened up the door and was surprised. It was Zen. He smiled. “Hello!” 

“Hello?” I asked. “Why are you here? How did you even know where I was?”

“Oh, you asked me for help so I came, duh. And in the pictures you sent I recognized the dressing room. I was in the area already so I decided to come. Also you really need help. Here try these.” He handed me a pile of clothes. I smiled. I’m glad I have someone who can help. I grabbed the clothes and started trying things on. I came out of the room each time to show Zen. We would discuss and then I’d go back to try on more things. It was actually kind of fun. I tried on the last outfit. Zen and I agreed that this had to be the one, and if it wasn’t then we’d go somewhere else. I looked in the mirror. Woah. I think this looks good. I feel good. I walked out of the room to show Zen. His mouth hung open and he nodded. “Oh yeah. That’s it. That’s what you are wearing tomorrow. How does it feel? Thoughts?” he asked. 

“I like it a lot! I feel good in this one for sure!” I replied. 

“Good. It looks really good. You look really good I mean. I think Saeyoung will like it, and if he doesn’t then he needs new glasses.” I laughed. 

“Thanks, and I think so too. Thank you for helping by the way. I really appreciate it. I would have been so lost, but you swooped in and saved me from looking like an idiot.” 

“It’s no problem. I’ve got to head back to rehearsal in half an hour, but I’m sure tomorrow will be great. I’m excited for you two.” I smiled. I went back and got changed into my clothes and paid for my new outfit. I said goodbye to Zen and headed home for the day. 

I woke up feeling nervous, which isn’t that unusual for me I guess. Saeyoung told me he’d come pick me up around 5p. I got up at 7a to go help Jaehee at the shop. I ate a small breakfast and made my way there. I was a mess. I kept messing up orders and dropping everything from the pen I used to the actual orders. I was stressed. I was doing a terrible job, just because I was nervous. I need to calm down. It’s just a date (Y/N), get it together. But I couldn’t get it together. Around noon, Jaehee nicely told me I could leave. She really was nice about it, but I still feel bad. I was going to stay until 3 again, which meant she’d be working alone for three hours until another employee came. I guess I always mess things up. I hope I don’t mess up this date. I got into my car feeling down. I leaned down and put my head on the steering wheel and sighed. I was close to tears, I felt so bad. It’s fine. You’re fine (Y/N). Jaehee isn’t like that. She understands. She’s not going to fire you because of one bad day. The customers were so-so about today. I probably made someone’s day a lot worse. I wiped away a couple tears and drove to my apartment. Yoosung and I promised to talk to each other when we felt down. We didn’t want either of us to spiral any further. I texted him as soon as I got home. 

(Y/N): T_T today has sucked

Yoosung: what’s going on? What happened? 

(Y/N): well, Saeyoung asked me to go out with him today, but I still went into work to help Jaehee. But I guess I was so nervous about tonight I kept making mistakes 

(Y/N): I kept getting orders wrong and dropping everything…

(Y/N): Jaehee asked me to leave….I still had another 3 hours I was supposed to work

(Y/N): why am I like this? 

Yoosung: I’m sure Jaehee understands, and it’s normal to be nervous. I’d be a mess if I were you too. You’re not incapable, you just had a rough day 

(Y/N): yeah I guess so 

Yoosung: I know so. Sometimes we have bad days, it doesn’t make us any less of a person

(Y/N): thanks yoosung :)

Yoosung: anytime. Now stop worrying to me and go get ready to have fun!

(Y/N): okay haha 

I went ahead and did as Yoosung suggested and got ready. I was still really nervous though. I was done getting ready at the perfect time. I heard a knock at my door and went to answer it. I smiled. “Hi Saeyoung!” He stared at me and I grew uncomfortable, so me being an idiot said, “what’s wrong with you? Stop looking at me.” Saeyoung laughed. I’m an idiot. You didn’t have to be so rude (Y/N) geez. 

“Sorry. You look nice. Are you ready to go?” he asked. I nodded. We walked to his car and my curiosity grew. “So what are we doing tonight?” I asked. 

“I’m glad you asked. Also I’m glad you decided on pants instead of a skirt or dress.” he stated. 

“What?” I asked. 

“Nothing. Today, in this universe, there is a carnival going on in the city. I thought it would be fun to go, and didn’t want to go alone,” he paused, and then asked with worry, “do you like carnivals? Or are you one of those people that’s afraid of all the rides?” I smiled.

“I actually love them. I’m a huge fan of roller coasters and things. Carnivals are fun.” 

“Oh good. I would have had to drop you back off and stopped talking to you if you didn’t.” 

“Brutal.” 

“I’m kidding...mostly,” he laughed. I laughed with him. “It would be really hard to love someone who doesn’t want to do stupid and slightly crazy things with me.” 

“I get that,” I chuckled. The rest of the car ride there was fun. We laughed a lot. Saeyoung really is amazing. As soon as I think the conversation will stop, he starts with something else. I don’t think I’ve ever conversed with anyone so easily. When we got to the carnival, the sun was just starting to set. We parked, bought tickets and went in. Our eyes lit up as we scanned the area. There were kids running around yelling, couples holding hands passing by. Not to mention all of the colorful lights and smells. Oh the smell. It smelled like popcorn and treats. I looked over at Saeyoung, he was already looking at me. I smiled. “I haven’t been to one of these in a really long time. I always got overwhelmed by how many people were here so I stopped going. It’s beautiful,” I told him. 

“I’ve only ever been to one, it was for a mission though, so it wasn’t what I wanted,” he replied. I nodded. He reached down and grabbed my hand, I looked down, avoiding all eye contact. “Is this okay? Purely so we don’t lose each other,” Saeyoung asked. I nodded. Before I could process what was happening, I was being pulled away by Saeyoung. We ran to the nearest booth for some food. We got huge things of cotton candy, as well as some normalish food like hot dogs. After that we ran from ride to ride. It was amazing. While we waited in line we talked, mostly about stupid things we’ve done, or things we like. Then we’d laugh and scream on the ride. We both had our hands in the air, smiling until our cheeks hurt. After we had rode all of the rides I was a bit nauseous. We sat down at a table and took it easy for a bit, then we went and played the different games they had. I was terrible at all of them, but somehow Saeyoung was really good. He even won me a cute stuffed bear to take home. The carnival was going to close soon, so we ran again trying to get to all of the rides again. We were running when Saeyoung suddenly stopped in front of me. I ran into his back completely, but he turned around to look at me. “Wait,” he began. I rubbed my head. 

“Ow, why did you stop?” I asked. 

“There’s one ride we didn’t get to!” he answered. I looked up at him confused. 

“What? I’m pretty sure we rode all of them.” 

“Nope!” he pointed over at the ferris wheel. “We forgot about the ferris wheel!” I rolled my eyes. 

“That’s hardly a ride!” I argued. He gasped. 

“It is too a ride! Why wouldn’t it be?” 

“It’s not any fun! You just sit there while it slowly brings you around,” I shook my head.

“No it has to be fun!” he whined. Has he never…?

“Have you never been on one?” I asked. He nodded. I sighed. “Alright I guess we have to then, but I’m warning you, they’re not that fun.” He grabbed my hand again and ran towards the ferris wheel. This is probably the last thing we'll be riding. I forgot his childhood was hard, he’s never even been on a ferris wheel. I have to find a way to make it more interesting. We got into the line and waited. When it was our turn we got into the cart thing. Saeyoung was practically bouncing up and down with excitement. I smiled. I guess it’s a little exciting. The wheel began to move, then stopped for more people to get on. Finally, it filled and began to move. I watched as Saeyoung calmed down, he almost looked disappointed. He looked over at me. “Yeah you’re right. This is boring. Why do people even go on these?” he asked. I laughed. “I’m serious why?” 

“Do you really not know? Or are you screwing with me?” I asked. How would he not know why people typically ride these? 

“I seriously don’t know. I thought they were popular because they’re fun, but clearly that’s not right.” He looks serious. He really doesn’t know? How am I supposed to tell him couples come up here because it’s romantic? Nope. I’m not doing that. He’ll figure it out eventually. He kept looking at me waiting for an answer. I sighed. “It’s for the view,” I told him. Not a complete lie. 

“Oh,” he replied. He looked out over where we were. Sure enough the view was amazing. The cityscape beneath us, and Saeyoung here next to me. I could see the city lights in his eyes, it only made his eyes even more beautiful, which I didn’t think was possible. I hadn’t noticed how long I had been staring at him until he turned and looked at me. “Need something?” he asked. I blushed and looked away. Quick think of something to change the subject….

“Yeah,” I looked back at him. 

“Go on,” he laughed. 

“Wanna know how to make this more fun?” He nodded. I put my hands on the bar in front of me and started swinging the cart back and forth. Saeyoung laughed and helped. So there we were. Two idiots swinging a cart on a ferris wheel back and forth. When we were supposed to get off the worker wasn’t happy and asked us to leave. We had to leave anyway because they were closing down, but whatever. Saeyoung and I held hands as we finally walked back to his car. I was smiling. I just had so much fun, I hope he did too. When we got in the car Saeyoung looked at me. “I don’t wanna take you home yet,” he stated. 

“Are you kidnapping me or something?” I asked. 

“Yes,” he stated. What? My face dropped.

“Wha-”

“I’m kidding (Y/N). I just don’t want today to end, I’m having too much fun,” Saeyoung interrupted. 

“Oh, haha, yeah me too,” I answered. We decided to go and get some ice cream to end our date. We sat in his car and ate the ice cream while talking. When we were done eating there was a pause in conversation, it was the first time that had happened that night. “You know,” Saeyoung began. “I don’t think I expected you to be like this.” 

“What do you mean?” I asked, insecurities starting to creep in. Was the date not good? Was he not having fun? He smiled at me. 

“I don’t know really. I didn’t think I could like someone as much as I like you. I mean, we’ve known each other for a month maybe, but I feel like I’ve known you for longer. I feel like we’ve been through so much. I guess when I went to your universe I expected you to not actually care about me. I expected you would say that your feelings weren’t real and that it was just part of the game, but you didn’t. You returned the feelings I had. I feel like you care. You’re so fun to be around. I don’t know why you’re insecure. You’re absolutely stunning, you’re kind, you make me laugh. You’re just, you, and I love it. I hate that you feel empty sometimes, or are anxious around people, because, really, people would be lucky to get to know you. I feel so lucky that I get to know you. I’d feel even luckier to get to love you. I never knew people could be as perfect as you,” he finished. I sat there and looked at him with my mouth slightly open. No one has ever said anything that beautiful to me. How do I even respond? How can I respond? He took words right out of my mouth. I’m not perfect, but I love being around him. I didn’t know I could feel like this. Turns out I didn’t have to say anything. Saeyoung leaned over and hesitated, before kissing me. I was in shock at first and didn’t move, so he backed away, looking afraid that I wasn’t interested. I snapped out of it and leaned to kiss him back. His lips felt soft against mine. It felt right and sweet. I poured my feelings into it. How much I care about him, how happy he made me even when I thought he didn’t exist, how happy I am to be here. After a few moments, we separated. I smiled and looked down, a bit embarrassed. I could tell he felt the same way. “Uh,” Saeyoung swallowed. “I guess I should take you home now.” I giggled. 

“Yeah, I guess so,” I replied. He started up the car and drove me home. After a minute or two of awkward silence after the kiss, conversation began to flow again. Saeyoung walked me up to my door again. I stopped outside of my door. “Thank you for tonight, I had a lot of fun really,” I told him. 

“I did too. We should do this more,” he replied. 

“I would love that.” I smiled. 

“Can I-,” he paused. “Can we do that again?” It didn’t take long for me to realize what was asking. I nodded. Saeyoung moved his hand to my cheek and kissed me again. I melted into it, wanting to memorize the feeling of his lips on mine. We separated and smiled at each other again. “I’ll see you then, have a good night,” Saeyoung said. 

“Thanks, you too.” I moved to hug him before he left. After we hugged, we said goodbye once again and Saeyoung left. I went inside my apartment and smiled. Wow. A whole night where I didn’t feel anything, but happiness. I can’t remember the last time that happened. I got ready for bed, but found that I was unable to sleep. Normally, I can’t sleep because I’m thinking about all the stupid things I did that day, but tonight was different. I couldn’t sleep because I was thinking about how much fun I had and wondering when I’d get to see him next. Eventually, my thoughts slowed and I slept.