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donutloverxo · 4 years

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cuteish thought: stevie pinky promised he wouldn’t be gone for a mission on your birthday but he ends up having to go on one and from the time he told you till even after he got back you’re crying and cuddle into his pillow for the comfort you can’t seem to find. steeb comforts you when he gets back and makes everything up to you ten times fold 🥺💗

That's just so 🥺🥺

"I have to go on a mission." He said casually stiring the sauce as you played some game on your phone. He called out your name and you looked up at him with a 'huh' "I'll be gone for a mission." He repeats and sees your face instantly fall. "But I promise I'll be back for your birthday." He adds.

"I - how can you be so sure!" You tried to keep from panicking. From showing him just how needy you were feeling. You swallowed a lump of air as you felt your phone slip from your hands. No longer interested in the hot gos you were reading about.

"I just am. I'll be back two days before your birthday! That gives us plenty of time to celebrate your birthday week." His heart melted at the sight of your glossy eyes.

"I knew it was ridiculous of me to ask for a whole week dedicated to me. But -" You sniffled "I've never been so special to anyone. I thought I was to you and we'd do it together." You wiped the moisture away from your cheeks. Getting up to go to bed and cry in your pillow. His strong hand wrapped around your forearm stopped you.

"I promise we will celebrate your week. I'll give you seven presents and make the whole thing special for you." He said cupping your hand in his hands and titling your head up to make you look at him.

"Pinky promise?" You sniffled again holding up your pinky as you felt water running your nose.

He scrunched his nose at the sight and wiped your nose with the back of his finger before connecting his pinky with yours. "I promise princess. I'll be there for you."

🥺🥺🥺

It was a lie. He lied to you. Something you thought he'd never do. He called you on Saturday to tell you he won't be able to make it. But he'll be home before Tuesday, your birthday, and you can both celebrate for a week from then on. But then Monday came and then Tuesday.

You waited the whole day. Holding onto hope that he'd be there. Cause no way would he break his promise right? You went out to dinner with your friends. None of them got you anything. It was a downside if being an 'adult' you hated. People usually don't give each other gifts unless it's Christmas.

You didn't start crying till you got back home, to your cold empty apartment. That night you cried yourself to sleep.

"Baby" You heard vaguely but only 'omphed' before rolling over. Your sleep too dear to you. But then you heard him call out your name. You instantly opened your eyes, with your back turned to him, you refused to look at him.

"Happy birthday princess" He cheered trying to turn you around but you swatted his hand away. "I know I know I'm late" He grunted as felt him moving behind you "I broke my promise. But I'll make it upto you. We can still have your week." He reasoned.

"You're words have lost all weight now. I'll never believe you again." You mumbled into your pillow. Which was still very much wet.

"I'm sorry babe. I don't know what else I can say to make it better. Ugh" You turned around when you heard him grunt. You sat up straight as you saw his bruised face. He cracked his neck soothing his hand over it. "I'm sorry princess. We ran into trouble." He looked at you with his sad puppy eyes which had your resolve melting away.

"Steve" You quickly got close to him to inspect his bruises.

"Hey it's okay" He hushed your worrying "Enhanced healing remember? I'll be all better in a day or so."

"Oh Steve" You sighed looking over his numerous wounds. "How could I be so selfish? I didn't even stop to think that there must be something wrong."

"Darling... you have every right to be upset. I can't promise that I'll make it to every birthday or anniversary but I can promise that I'll always try my best. To come home to my girl." He kissed your knuckles. Looking at you so adoringly.

"Okay" You whispered. It was good enough for you. Because if Steve puts his mind to something. He always achieves it.

He rumbled as he got up and went into the closet. "Steve you should be resting -"

"It is your birthday" He came out of the closet with a huge box in his hands. "We have to celebrate." He handed you the blush pink box. Tied together with a beautiful pink ribbon.

You squealed pulling on the ribbon, marvelling at the cute packaging and opening the box. Your jaw dropped as you saw what was inside. A portrait of you with a dainty silver tiara on your head, a little sparrow on your knuckles, looking at you as if it's singing to you. "Steve..." You were rendered speehless by just how pretty it was. He must've put so much work into it.

"I know it's silly." He blushed bashfully "But I don't know you're a princess to me. So I thought -"

"I love it Steve! And I love you" You gushed throwing yourself into his arms. Although you really shouldn't, not with how hurt he is, but you couldn't help yourself. You captured his lips in a deep kiss, thanking him. Not just for the gift but also for coming back to you.

#berrys drabbles #steve rogers x reader

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thewayshedreamed · 4 years

Text

This Time— Part 5

A Nessian Fan Fic

Fic Masterlist

This chapter was a tough one for me to write. I got stuck a few times with the order of things (for this chapter and the following ones). Once I decided on that, the angst in this one was a little emotional for me to write, then edit. So, proceed with caution. That’s the official angst warning!

On a more positive note, this is a definitive turning point toward resolution, so it WILL get better! Thanks again for all of you who have offered your feedback and followed the story. Knowing y’all are enjoying this little au with me makes it all the more fun to write 😊

Trigger warning for short depiction of grief.

——————————————————————————

Birthday breakfast was really more of a birthday lunch the day after celebrating at Rita’s. Elain was sitting at the small island of Nesta’s kitchen, nursing a Gatorade and holding her head in her hands. Feyre was next to her scrolling through her phone. She was doing intel on their group’s collective social media updates, and so far, there were no embarrassing posts to deal with.

Nesta was mixing pancake batter, periodically folding in chocolate chips. Chocolate chip pancakes were reserved for Archeron birthdays or holidays, and they looked forward to sharing them when the occasions presented themselves. She poured some of the batter into her skillet, absently watching for bubbles as her indicator they were ready to flip. After making the initial flip, she walked to her refrigerator and produced a bottle of champagne with orange juice.

“Who wants to open the champagne for birthday mimosas?” She set both bottles on the island, with glasses, before turning her attention back to the pancakes. Elain’s only response was a long groan. Feyre giggled, pulled the champagne toward her, and started untwisting the cage over the cork.

“What’s the expression, El? Hair of the dog? It may make you feel better.” She stood away from the island to pop the cork. The last things they needed were physical injuries.

“I guess it can’t make me feel any worse, right?” She picked her head up from her hands. “I’m going to go grab my phone,” she said, with a cringe. She padded away to Nesta’s room, returning seconds later. She was scrolling through her phone as she walked and stopped short once she met the threshold of the kitchen, a horrified expression on her face.

”Why the fuck would I have deleted all of my texts last night?!” Her voice was more shrill than normal, and her sisters’ eyes grew at her use of “fuck” during pancake breakfast.

It was Feyre who dared answer her. “Umm... I have no idea. Maybe it was an accident?”

”That’s a pretty impressive accident.” Nesta realized her comment wasn’t helping as her sisters glared in her direction.

Elain continued. “I’ll tell you why. Because drunk me tried to hide something from sober me.” She paused for a second, blushing. “My evidence, in case you were wondering, is a text from Azriel that says: ‘*laugh emoji* Not cool. You had me worried there for a minute, Ellie. Goodnight. Hope you enjoyed your birthday.’” She glanced up at them in horror.

Nesta gave her a small smile. “Ellie, I’m sure it’s nothing. Even drunk you couldn’t have said anything too terrible. Maybe just talk to Az? It would be better than wondering.”

Elain sat down, her anxiety palpable in the small kitchen. She was quiet save for the nod she’d given her sister in acknowledgment of her advice. Nesta assumed maybe she could use a little more encouragement since she didn’t look wholly convinced.

“I really think it’ll be okay. Az is reasonable and has probably said his own fair share of drunken things he would care to take back.” She offered a short chuckle before sipping her mimosa. “You could call him, maybe, or—“

”Nes, are you really preaching to me about communication right now?”

Nesta blinked, taken aback by the irritation in Elain’s voice. “I wasn’t trying to preach, El. I just meant you didn’t have to worry and could trust Az to give you a chance to—“

”The same way you gave Cassian a chance to fix whatever the hell you’re holding against him? Why should Az be any more gracious than you’ve been?” Elain snapped. Her shoulders rounded a little at her own words, and Feyre’s eyes grew to the size of two steel blue saucers.

“Cauldron, Elain,” she said, looking from one sister to the other. Her back was straight, anticipating Nesta’s best weapons: her words.

Nesta took several seconds to reflect on their current situation. It was such an unexpected shift, where Elain was the one throwing insults, and Feyre, of all people, was defensive of Nesta. She wasn’t used to this type of interaction with Elain, and her words stung more than she was willing to admit. She finished her mimosa in one swift gulp and placed her dishes in the sink.

“Lucky for you, Azriel is nowhere near as disappointing, or shitty, as I am. I’m going to shower while you two finish breakfast. I’ll bring you home when you finish.” Her tone was neutral, dry even. By all measures, it was on the milder side for Nesta. She was halfway to the bathroom when she heard Elain’s wavering voice.

“Nes, wait. I’m sorry I didn’t mean—“

“Don’t ever apologize for saying what you mean, Elain,” she said, coldly, before walking the rest of her way. She couldn’t get out of there fast enough, wanting to leave the gaping wound that Elain had ripped open far behind her.

——————————————————————————

The following week went by fairly quickly. Elain and Nesta had made up within the day, Elain insisting that she had spoken from her own nerves rather than how she truly felt. She asked if Nesta wanted to talk about what happened with Cassian, but she declined, saying it wasn’t a big deal. She tasted the lie the second it left her mouth, but she shoved that down with everything else.

Her attention to the day of the week was higher than usual in anticipation of Wednesday. She was oddly preoccupied with a day that truly meant nothing to her, but it had haunted her since she overheard Cassian’s conversation with Alis. When the day finally arrived, she found herself ruminating over their conversation, letting her imagination run wild with the possibilities of how they were spending their time.

She told herself that she didn’t care beyond the fact that he would usually tell her all about these sorts of things. Gods, it bothered her to no end that she wasn’t his person anymore.

That Thursday, she found herself getting ready for dinner with Tomas. He had called her that Monday to see if she’d like to go out, and she didn’t have a reason not to. She may have even wanted to go. The downside, when the day arrived, was that it happened to be a particularly brutal work day. She was at home touching up and mentally preparing herself for a couple of hours of conversation. She would usually call Cassian for pep talks on days like this, but their non-friendship was a dealbreaker in that department. Not to mention, he likely wouldn’t have cared to give her a pep talk for this particular night. Gods, it bothered her to no end that he wasn’t her person anymore, either.

Dinner had been fine enough. Tomas looked handsome and seemed completely engaged with her the entire night. He was interested in her work, how her life had been since he’d last seen her, and her friends. He made brief mention of her mother and how he had been really sad to hear that she passed a few years ago. His condolences were sincere, but Nesta found herself oddly defensive at his mention of her. He hadn’t known her well, since their relationship hadn’t lasted long, and she felt like he couldn’t possibly imagine the void she left in their lives.

She resisted any response beyond a “thank you”, knowing that her reaction was likely due to her death anniversary coming up within the week. The rest of the night had gone well. The food was good, the conversation was fine, Tomas was fine. They had a fine time together. Everything was just fine.

Which is why, she assumed, that Tomas had tried to kiss her at the end of the night. He had driven her home, walked her to the door, and hugged her goodbye. As he pulled away, his cheek lingered next to hers, face turning toward her in slow motion. She cleared her throat abruptly and reached into her bag for her key.

“Well, thanks for tonight! I had a nice time.” She had the key in the lock, and she was already mentally selecting her sweatpants for the evening.

“Wait.” Thomas grabbed her elbow, turning her around. “Why are you being so weird? I thought we had a good time?”

”We did. I just said I had a nice time.”

”You seem to be rushing out pretty fast for a person having fun.” He paused for a few seconds to allow her to insist that she was having fun, or to invite him inside, she thought. She did neither.

He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. “Is it Cassian?”

She knew she was balking at him, but she didn’t have it in her to control it.

“Are you kidding me? Just because I’m ending the night without kissing you or asking you to come inside and fuck me, there has to be a man responsible? Could it be because this night has taken us as far as it was ever going to?” She rolled her eyes, turned the key, and walked inside. “Goodnight, Tomas,” she said, as she shut the door in his face.

She kicked her shoes off in her entryway and tossed her purse onto the small table next to her door. She removed her dress over her head as she walked purposefully to her bedroom and ripped her sweatpants out of the too-full drawer. She pulled on an extra large t-shirt and went to the kitchen to pour herself some red wine. She settled onto her couch, put on some mindless television, and tried to relax.

She reflected over the night’s events. She was honest when she told Tomas that they had a fine time. She had enjoyed herself tonight, and she started to feel a twinge of guilt for snapping at him in her doorway. He hadn’t done anything wrong before asking that question, and if she was honest with herself, she knew why it bothered her so much. It’s not that he wasn’t handsome, that he was unkind, or that he was disrespectful. It wasn’t even that he had misjudged and asked the wrong question. The truth hammered through her brain like an ambush, and she was utterly incapable of stopping it.

He’s not Cassian.

——————————————————————————

Nesta watched several episodes of a home renovation show as she worked through her bottle of wine. She decided that it was the perfect type of show to watch on nights like tonight, where she was knee-deep in her thoughts. Her earlier revelation had sunken its claws into her brain, and she was having trouble thinking of anything else. She wasn’t sure at what point she had stopped fighting it— either glass 2 or glass 3. She finally allowed herself to take a critical look at all these pent up emotions, and noteworthy memories of Cassian started to play through her mind like a montage.

She is sitting in the passenger seat of an older, black pick-up truck. Cassian is driving, and they have the windows down to feel the cool fall breeze. They’re going for a leisurely drive because he got his license just yesterday, and he loves the freedom it’s given him. He doesn’t have to be a slave to his home life or his abusive father anymore. He can just drive. She makes a joke, and he’s laughing now. His mid-length waves are dancing around his face, and he turns to look at her for mere seconds before looking back at the road.

She sipped her wine thoughtfully, noting the memory as the first time he ever took her breath with how beautiful his joy could be. She remembered how her chest had burst with pride at being able to make him laugh and smile like that, despite his pain. She noted now what she was too scared to admit then: there was little she wouldn’t do to protect his happiness.

It’s junior prom, and she’s posted against the wall with a bottle of water. Her date is a total jerk, and she’s hoping that maybe he’ll just leave. His departure would be better than pretending to enjoy herself anymore. She sees Cassian approaching her from her left. He looks so much more mature in his tux, half of his waves tied back in a knot at the back of his head.

“Hey, Archie. Where’s your date?”

She chuckles softly. “I don’t know. But I think I like it that way. He’s kind of the worst.”

Cassian frowns. “Well, he’s an idiot, then. Dance with me?” He extends his hand to her, palm up, and offers her a half-smile. He looks almost nervous, and her heart swells with affection for him.

“Always. You’re my favorite person here.”

She wiped the tears from her face, not sure of when she started crying. The feeling now so vivid; her favorite person. The truth of that statement refused to be downplayed. She shook her head, realizing it to be as accurate as ever.

It’s her sophomore year of college, and her friends are at a local bar celebrating the end of finals. She hasn’t been able to see them nearly as often this semester, and she’s enjoying their time together. At a certain point, a guy she doesn’t know gets awfully too comfortable with her, and he’s touching her all over. She tries to walk away, and he grips her arm tightly as she fights against him. He’s so much stronger than she is, but her brain can only focus on getting away from him. Just before the panic sets in, she sees two familiar figures approaching from the side. Faster than she can note what is really happening, Azriel is separating the guy’s hand from Nesta’s arm and is shoving him too easily away from her. She’s immediately wrapped in a tight hug, her face tucked tightly into Cassian’s chest. She inhales his scent as she steadies her breath, and she clutches the back of his shirt like a lifeline. She isn’t truly crying, but tears are starting to pool in her eyes from the sheer relief of being safe with him. He pulls back only as much as he needs to cup her face with his hands. His brow is deeply furrowed as he scans her face in that knowing way of his, and his lips form a tight line. He is painfully concerned. He is furious. He is fighting all of those things to remain even for her.

“Are you okay? Nes, please. Talk to me. Tell me you’re okay.”

”I’m okay.” Her response is quiet, robotic.

“He’s gone. Azriel took care of it.”

She was yearning for a sense of normalcy, the intensity of his care becoming too much. She resorts to humor as she usually does.

“I’m surprised. It’s usually you who runs straight to the front lines. Forever the hero.” She cracks a small smile, hoping it’ll comfort him.

He’s still holding her face in his large hands. He drops his gaze briefly as he shakes his head, and when he looks back at her face, he’s wearing an ironic sort of smile.

“All I could see was you.”

The memory knocked the breath out of her, having been so long since she had thought about it. She understood his meaning then, but it hit her with a renewed vigor now. She superseded his basic instincts to protect, eliminate the threat. When it came to her, he trusted no one else and had to personally ensure she was okay. He would throw himself between her and anyone or anything that threatened her, and he would do it happily. Her heart clenched as she thought about how no one else could have made her feel comfortable or calmed her under those circumstances. Another tear rolled down her cheek at how careless she had been with his heart and how much she had taken him for granted. At how much she had always lied to herself. Because she was feeling particularly masochistic, she entertained one last memory, her tears pouring.

Her mother is terminally ill, and the doctors believe she will leave them any day now. It’s 3 AM, and her phone rings. Her father tells her she’s gone, and she holds herself together until she hangs up the phone. She is panicking; can’t catch her breath. Her father is calling Elain and Feyre, and they are supposed to meet at his house when they can get themselves ready. She doesn’t know how she will face this. She can’t do it. She can’t do it. She Can’t. Do. It.

Her fingers work automatically, pressing Cassian’s contact and putting him on speaker phone. Holding it to her face seems too taxing, and her tears will smear all over the screen. He answers in two rings, his voice gravelly with sleep.

”Nes?”

Her only answer is a choked sob, followed by several attempts at catching her breath.

“Nesta. I’m on my way. Stay on the phone with me.”

She complies, finally mastering herself enough to say, “Momma” through her sobs.

“Nesta. Sweetheart. I’m so sorry. I’m in the truck now. Please stay with me.”

Everything else is a blur except for hearing him come through her door. He opens her bedroom door swiftly, obviously in a hurry to get to her. He leaves the bedroom light off, allowing the hallway lighting to be his guide to her. His weight is shifting the mattress next to her, and he’s leaning against the headboard. He easily pulls her into his lap, and she’s tucking her face into his neck as she cries. She curls her legs into herself, and he holds her for what feels like seconds and years. She feels something wet soaking into the shoulder of her t-shirt and realizes his tears are falling as well.

He drives her to her father’s once she’s ready, holding her hand the entire way. He never leaves her side the days following, through arrangements, the ceremony, and family visitations. He makes sure she eats on somewhat of a schedule because time is all an illusion to her. He sleeps on her couch every night for the couple of weeks following, knowing bedtime is the hardest time for her, and she won’t want to be alone. She is so touched by his dedication, and she isn’t sure she could do this life without him.

She cried for a long time, only recovering when she felt like she had nothing left to give. She was hardly surprised at the landslide of emotions tackling her considering she had been repressing them for the entirety of their friendship. It was now apparent to her what should have always been apparent: she was in love with Cassian.

She was in love with him, but she had been myopic for so long that she may have finally exhausted his love for her.

——————————————————————————

A/N: Well, here it is. We’re nearing the end of this one, and I’m excited to get the rest up for y’all. As always, your feedback/ comments are welcome! If you’d like to be tagged, feel free to message, comment, or reblog! I’ll be happy to add you to the tag list.

Tags are below!

@polireader // @lord-douglas-the-third // @justgiu12 // @notyournymphetish // @sjm-things // @strangeenemy // @iammissstark // @keshavomit // @sjmships // @cookiemonsterwholovesbooks // @dusty-lightbulb // @texas-shaped-waffle-maker // @julemmaes // @charincharge // @superspiritfestival // @awesomelena555 // @sleeping-and-books // @hizqueen4life // @maastrash // @bookstantrash // @rhyswhitethorn // @grace-k-sterling // @sayosdreams // @sis-it-dont-add-up // @ladywitchling // @b00kworm //

#nessian #nesta archeron #nesta x cassian #nesta #cassian #acotar #nessian au #nessian fwb #nessian angst #nessian fanfic #acowar #acomaf #nessian fluff #archeron sisters #acotar fanfiction

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the59er · 3 years

Text

2021: Sep!

1st Sep 2021, Wed Listening: Tonight, We Fall - ADULT

Hi September.

Hi self. How am I feeling so far? Have I gotten any progress in life, at all?

Am I any happier? Healthier?

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2nd Sep 2021, Thursday Watching: Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee (David Letterman!)

Wow my eyes are exxxxxxxtra dry this week because of work and stress, I wish I can take them out and dip them in water.

I survive through fun-doodling on the side.

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4th Sep 2021, Saturday Listening: After Hours - We are Scientists

Happy birthday to HH!

I miss hanging out with my very few friends..

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5th Sep 2021, Sunday Listening: Strange Condition - Pete Yorn

Im supposed to be done with at least half of my data quality checking thing for office but I can’t bring myself to work this weekend.

Deep in the pit of my stomach I could feel unease. I know it’s not going to be a smooth September.

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6th Sep 2021, Monday Watching: John Mulaney & The Sack Lunch Bunch

Recently my bdd creeped back in so I decided to continue ganti puasa. Today I completed ganti puasa day 2 out of 7.

Today’s mood is 👎🏼 That feeling of yearning for something Im not even quite sure of.

The downside of being a girl is the need to differentiate if you’re either having an episode or you’re merely PMS-ing. I think I’ve been successful so far in controlling my mood swings because I am aware that it affects others especially the people I love like my parents who would experience first hand on my switch from jekyll to hyde. I also have this fear of people leaving me especially since I don’t have that many real life friends, so I try my very best to keep my emotions in check. I do not want to hurt my existing little company.

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7th Sep 2021, Tuesday Listening: My Moon My Man - Feist

A friend of mine runs hitammanis & I decided to order one shirt/pants combo and it arrived today!

It looked SO cute on her, but on me it looks like Im wearing pajamas 😅 I need to figure out a way to make it look like baju jalan. Right now I’m slowly accumulating the courage to go out and actually SEE people rather than COMPLAINING about missing people. BUT IS IT SAFE ENOUGH THOUGH??

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8th Sep 2021, Wednesday Listening: Riot Van - Arctic Monkeys

Happy birthday to my car! But the road tax tak sampai lagi though..

My dream fantasy car would be a 70s mini, primarily for nostalgic reason. Our mom used to have one in the 70s wayyyy before I was born. She got into an accident once with my two older siblings and they were all safe and the mini was unscathed while the other car was badly damaged. Now THAT’s one british supremacy that I agree to. lol.

But I know it’s not attainable. Old cars are very expensive to maintain 😕

On other news, my brother caught a fever yesterday but today his temperature went down. These days we get extra worried and always think of the worst.

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9th Sep 2021, Thursday Listening: Put Your Dreams to Sleep - Deepset

Today my brother’s temperature spiked up, so he had to do a blood test to check for denggi & also swab test.. Praying very hard for him to be negative :(

Been sleeping at 2am this week because of work. Even when I’ve stopped at 1am, my head would still be thinking about work..

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10th Sep 2021, Friday Listening: Gymnopédie No. 1

My brother is positive 😔 So my parents and I rushed out to get swabbed. When I got back to my laptop for work, I couldn’t focus at all. I’m scared and worried for my brother and my parents.

I also couldn’t help but feel it’s unfair. My brother went out ONE time to send my mom’s car to the workshop and he caught it, while you see others going out socializing MULTIPLE times but still remain healthy. I know I shouldn’t think and feel this way but I JUST CANT HELP IT. I’m sorry. You will only understand if it happens to you.

And it breaks my heart the most seeing my mother sad.

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11th Sep 2021, Saturday Listening: Sick Sick Sick - QOTSA

Last night I felt overwhelmingly sad, worried, angry, and just generally stressed.

Thankfully this morning I received news from the clinic that my parents and I are negative. Hamdulillah. Hamdulillah.. At least all of us can focus to care for my brother now. Today he has started to lose his sense of smell and taste :(

Spent my day working. This is what I feel:

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12th Sep 2021, Sunday - Happy birthday to my colleague AY! 🎂 Listening: We are all made of Stars - Moby

Brother’s temperature went down, but today his head hurts. We try not ask him how he is too much in fear of stressing him out. All we can do is pray for his physical and mental strength..

I get on and off headaches. There are times when my migraine gets so bad I feel like hammering my head to get rid of the hammering headache, if that makes sense?

Speaking of hammering, today I sneaked into my Dad’s toolbox and hammered my bedroom wall for my ever growing plastic cups of plants..

I was quite proud of it! (considering that I am terrible at this stuff) until I realised I used the wrong type of nail. I thought this nail was for hanging picture frames, but it’s actually the type of nail that you use to nail down cables/wires......

Ah well. Learned something new today.

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13th Sep 2021, Monday Listening: Wishes - Beach House

I need to make a list of things I know I cannot do or cope with. So that I can refer to it before I decide to do something that could lead to disappointment. I wonder if there’s two of me would I drive myself to be better or would we both retreat and sink deeper into the blackhole of self-sabotaging thoughts.

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14th Sep 2021, Tuesday Listening: Dont Panic - Coldplay

I do not have the capacity to care about anyone else outside my family at the moment. Am I considered selfish that way? I am just protecting my herd.

I am tired. My parents are probably more so. It is mentally exhausting.

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15th Sep 2021, Wednesday Listening: Dry the Rain - The Beta Band

Found out that Norm Macdonald passed away :( What a great loss. Before I had access to Youtube that led to endless clicks of SNL videos, I remember first seeing him as Billy Madison’s friend!

Busy work week until end of September. Thank God tomorrow we’re on leave.

---

16th Sep 2021, Thursday Listening: Heads will Roll - YYY

JT and I ended up working most of today so it felt like it was a normal working day instead of a public holiday. But I did step out to get coffee and snacks from my usual place.

Sooooo stressed.

Aqi also stopped by to drop off my big cookies! I love seeing her face, she always makes me so happy 🥰

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17th Sep 2021, Friday Listening: Crazy - Aerosmith

Today I watched The Equalizer 2!! It’s just as sweet as the first one! I love how they wrote the lead character to care about everyone around him, even strangers. SO grateful that I accidentally clicked on the first movie on Netflix few months ago! I love the fight scenes so much, Im OBSESSED

After work, I had to go to the clinic because of my eye (again). This time it’s my left eye. It’s infuriating.

Anyway, lol to this eye-gouging scene. Damn puas hati.

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18th Sep 2021, Saturday Listening: Nothing Ever Happened to Me - Deerhunter

Drove mom around for errands. Saw the frame shop open so finally sent my cheap square ikea mirrors to be framed.

Because everything looks good in a frame..right?

I guess.

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19th Sep 2021, Sunday Watching: Good Boys (2019) - a very cute coming-of-age movie!

I was googling stories about caretakers of people with depression / those living in the same house as people with depression. It must be extremely difficult to try and stay stable so that you don’t go spiralling down into the pit and be depressed yourself.

I wonder if I am a good carer. I wonder if I could ever be anyone’s pillar of strength if the situation demanded me to be.

...

Did a bit of office work and stepped out for double coffee at my usual. It rained throughout the day. It’s kind of nice because I got to wear my hat 😊

Sundaze.

---

20th Sep 2021, Monday Listening: White Winter Hymnal - Fleet Foxes

I had a really nice “homemade” nespresso iced latte which is surprising because Im not normally a latte person but I think it’s also because of Sproud. For milk made out of peas, it’s actually VERY delish considering I am NOT a fan of green peas.

Masa kecik2, my Mom used to make telur mata & either green peas or baked beans for breakfast. Guess who played with the green peas instead of eating them..

I avoided swallowing green peas like a plague 😂

---

21st Sep 2021, Tuesday Listening: Luna - The Smashing Pumpkins

My brother is out of quarantine (hamdulillah!) & the first thing he did was call the car cleaner to come and clean our cars lol.

It feels great to see my parents happy to have my brother back on the dining table eating together. They never really show their joy, but you could tell they’re happy when they are chattier than usual 😄

---

22nd Sep 2021, Wednesday Listening: My Party - Kings of Leon

My morning felt longer than usual. I did a lot of reviews for work. Nothing significant happened. Mood is good.

I’ve recently started listening to Conan O’Brien Needs a Friend. I’ve NEVER listened to any podcast on my own will before, usually it’s in someone else’s car. I’ve been working late a lot more these days and I kept on repeating the same Conan videos on youtube for company, until one night I decided to finally click on apple podcast for the first time in my life (the app has been sitting there idle for YEARS), just to look for his episodes.

& he was just as entertaining in his podcast as he was in his late night show. I love his stories & I especially love his commencement speech to graduating students, I find it very comforting & inspiring 😇

---

23rd Sep 2021, Thursday Listening: I dont’ know - Nick Hakim

We had a 3-hour long budget meeting today.

I had kimchi fried rice as comfort food. I had an entire bottle of pokka mocha with a scoop of ice cream. I regretted this immediately.

Mood not good. Decided to talk to a therapist bot. It actually made me feel sadder and kind of pathetic.

I have not yet met anyone except for aqi & HH who swung by the house for less than 5 minutes to drop off food. I think my sadness is because I lack social interaction. I want to go out & see my friends but I’m not even sure if they want to see me.

So rather than be rejected, might as well just stay in?

---

24th Sep 2021, Friday Listening: On the Sly - Metric

Slept in. Only went out for my second swab test after lunch but had to wait until 2pm because the clinic was on lunch break. Grabbed coffee as usual afterwards.

Work is making me lose steam. But Im trying to fake it just to make it.

---

25th Sep 2021, Saturday Listening: Seven Years - Norah Jones

I picked up my framed cheap ikea mirrors and I love them! Not sure what to do with them yet though.

Mopped the house and did everything else BUT office work even though I have tons to do :(

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26th Sep 2021, Sunday Listening: Carnival Town - Norah Jones

How would you know if the people you are hanging out with are really the ones you ought to be spending time with? I look at big groups of friends and always wonder if they all get along, or do they have smaller cliques within them?

I wonder how I would fare if I am in a big group myself. Even since sekolah I never knew where I belonged to.

Unfortunately I never grew out of it. Not really looking forward to lone lunches at the office pantry again :(

---

27th Sep 2021, Monday Listening: Gravity - John Mayer

Did not finish work & went straight to bed at 11pm. In an ideal world, people dont even need to look at their work anymore after dinner. So why do companies normalize working after hours? Why are we, the employees, even agree to this?

Oh yeah, because currently I personally do not have the financial freedom to quit, so...

...no choice but to give in.

---

28th Sep 2021, Tuesday Happy birthday Zul! 🎂

Listening: In Transit - Albert Hammond Jr

We had back-to-back meetings & also learned that one of our big bosses is a HUGE conspiracy theories fan specifically on extra terrestrial life. SO RANDOM.

Finished rewatching The Mandalorian and I would probably just keep on rewatching it until the new season comes out this December along with The Book of Boba Fett!!

Also planning to rewatch Star Wars in sequence except maybe the 7 8 9 sequels because I would prefer the legacy to just end at Luke. I am unfortunately NOT a fan of Rey 😬

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29th Sep 2021, Wed Listening: Because of the Blood - Sin Fang

We had a KPI check-in thing at work to track individual progress & the comment / feedback received about me was on my short attention span lol. I cannot deny that sometimes I DO have problem focusing. But to be honest I didnt realise it was THAT apparent until even the office noticed it. I don’t think that’s a good sign :/

OH WELL as long as it doesnt affect work that much, Im safe (I hope).

---

30th Sep 2021, Thursday Listening: Rock the Casbah - The Clash

Banging headache. Everything annoyed me. Sluggish. I went out just to stretched myself out.

Read about the great resignation and wondering if I would be brave enough to leave. What’s holding me back is my reliance towards the company’s health insurance (which is REALLY good, ngl). Need to do a pros and cons list..

Wanted to draw a hand writing a pros & cons list but tak jadi hahaha

Bye September! You’ve been an intense month!

#rubysep2021 #Illustration

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lovesaadiqa · 3 years

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BBL Costs, Prep + Recovery

Im booked!! I talked to a few friends who I know either got this surgery or is getting this done. I wanted one since forever but I wanted my teeth done first. The deciding factor came down to my birthday plans.

Originally I was going to do a birthday tour. First weekend of October in Miami for carnival, 2nd weekend in Atl for Freak Nik, 3rd weekend in Bahamas and finally Nola for the finale. Well Nola was just hit with a storm so yeah that’s out. Once I totaled up the flights, hotels, food and spending money.. I was like hmm, I can get a fat ass and started this process. Immediately looked into surgeon and Dr. Pena was my favorite, his bodies come out so mf snatched, he’s located in Columbia. Columbian surgeons can take out way more fat than American doctors however, the fatality rate is stupid and ultimately the factor that made me choose an American doctor.

The next step was choosing the surgeon for the body I have and the one I want. I weigh 151 and im 5′6″ I’m considered a “skinny bbl”. I started researching doctors in Atlanta (so I could recover at home) and Miami (like duh). I chose to go with Dr. Desouza in Miami with CG Cosmetics for a few reasons. First, I love the look of his skinny bbl’s on other women with the same body type, weight and height as me. Secondly, he was having a special for the end of the year (lipo 360, bbl, jplasma for $6500 for the surgeon I wanted) this almost sold me but it was the surgery date!! Jplasma is skin tightening procedure to help with loose skin, you can only get this with lipo. When they perform lipo they created canals under your skin to remove the fat.. well those same canals are essential when getting Jplasma.

Ok so I decided on the surgeon, contacted the cosmetic group and had a consultation which is pretty much just front, side and back view pictures.. I think they use this to make sure you don’t need a tummy tuck prior to surgery. They also asked me questions about previous surgeries and if i’ve ever had anesthesia. The next step went pretty quickly, we talked about what would be lipo’d (abs, waist, back.. I wanted inner thighs, an additional 2k, but was advised to wait on my pre-op to decide), when I wanted to book and how I'd pay. My consult was on August 30th.. I bitched up when she attempted to take my payment. I am a money hoarder and spending that much money made me feel like I was being financially irresponsible. I called one of my Aunt’s who I felt wouldn’t judge me and also give me sound advise. We talked about my fears, why I was getting the procedure and of course money. My Aunt gave me excellent advice, reassured me and is a professional CNA who offered to accompany me so yeah I dare not turn that down, lol. August 31, 2021, I called my coordinator (the contact between me and my surgeon) and told her I wanted to book, she asked me when I’d be ready and I requested first available which was 9/20/21!! Excited is an understatement.. I'd be 24 days post op on my birthday. After I calmed down I paid in full for multiple reasons: had to in order to secure the date, all surgeries book in this year had to be paid in full, it was the only way to get the discount.. My coordinator gave me so much information I couldn’t see straight (I was also high as shit off life thinking about a fat ass and me in the same sentence).. she emailed + texted everything, congratulated me and we hung up.

I get the emails: “raise you hemoglobin with these vitamins” I purchased vitamin C $2, folic acid $2, iron $3 and floradix $35 - amazon, I take them as directed on the bottle and start eating my ass off (just to give my surgeon more to work with, lol). Talking to one of my gf’s I realize I have to be cleared for surgery?!?! What? I open my email and sure enough I have to have blood work done 15-20 prior to surgery, it was 9/3 and a Friday.. SHIT!! I fly over to an Piedmont Wellstreet urgent care facility as recommended by my friend (she started this process as well so I was crazy grateful for her experience and that she shared it with me). Urgent care was full but opened the next day, my ass was in that line at 7:32 am, I was the 13th person in line and they opened at 8. I get to the desk and my appointment is at 10:30 and I'd have to pay the office visit fee to be seen, it was $155. I came back at my allotted time and was told how much all of my labs would be.. $302. My labs were to be processed and faxed to my surgeon by 9/9 because Labor Day weekend so.. yeah.

I discuss accommodations with my Aunt and realize it’s cheaper, safer and more beneficial for me to go to a recovery house. I search high and low baby and most of them were booked.. found one regardless with lymphatic massages included called Flawless Recovery House. This wasn’t my 1st-6th option but the one with availability on my surgery date so I paid a deposit to hold onto my spot. Total was $1312 for 5 days with 5 massages, I paid a $200 deposit. Next, I booked my flight, round trip $116 with Delta. My surgery date is on a Monday, I have to have my pre-op done on the Saturday prior so I booked a hostel from the 18th-20th on booking.com for $66. I know I could have gotten an airbnb or hotel room but I wanted this experience. I want to go to Amsterdam and stay in a hostel so I need to know what to expect. Also I cannot party, smoke, drink or eat before surgery so fuck it.. a hostel will do, lol.

I smoke big fucking weed and watched someone else’s bbl journey today and realize if I fail the drug test, my surgery will be cancelled and it’ll cost me $1500 to reschedule. Boy the shit sent me into panic mode like I've never experienced before, only to find out the weed isn’t the issue nicotine is, it slows down your heart rate. I can smoke weed just not out of a wood or a rillo and nicotine takes 3-4 days to get out of your system so a bitch barely made it. I just won't be smoking until I get back home lol. Just to be super informative no alcohol, diabetic meds, cocaine, pcp or anything that will fool with your heart or makes your bleed. Today is 9/11 and im one week out from my pre-op... my body is a joke cause I haven’t gained a single pound and normally it’s nothing for me to put on weight. I took my acrylics off, when you’re put to sleep they monitor your oxygen levels with those clamps they put on your fingers and they aren't the most accurate when you have on dark polish or acrylics. I also cannot wear lashes cause when they go to fill this ass in I'll be laying flat on my face. I mean my hair didn’t have requirements but I figure since im naked I might as well be bald.. y'all should see me rn, I look very much like a young man but im hype. I’ll be back later to tell y'all what I pack and purchase prior to my flight. Imma put the dates at the end of each update.. today is 9/11/21

My surgery group send me list of supplies that I would need and the cost came to roughly $1100. Naive me was definitely going to purchase everything on the list from them until I saw Leslie’s (@prettyhaute - on ig) bbl vlog. I went on amazon and got away with murder. Below I’ll list what I purchased and the price I paid versus what the surgery center was quoting me.

Faja - I paid $74.69 - Quoted $160.50 || BBL Pillow - $26.99 - Qouted $42.80 || Arnica pills - $8.95 - Quoted $37.45 || Compression socks - $13.99 for 3 - Quoted $10.70 for 1 || Foams - $17.99 for 3 - Quoted $64.20 for 3 || Scar Cream $$29.82 - Quoted $80.25 || Arnica Gel - $7.92 - Quoted $21.40 ||

There a shit ton of items on the suggested list that I didn't purchase but way more items that wasn’t on the list I still need for instance:

Crocs, benadryll, robe, adult diapers, straws, earplugs, liquid iv, stool softener, antiseptic body wash, avocado float, back board, urinal, pineapple juice, throat calm, 3 moo-moo’s and a massage roller (the crocs are the only thing on this list that cost more than $20). My flight is at 7:15a tomorrow and im so damn nervous but excited. I will spend Saturday and Sunday gallivanting around Miami and then body , ody, ody, ody, ody, ody. I still have to send my entire itinerary to my aunt but I think im all set. 9/17/21

Pre-op was packed but I went on Saturday and was in and out in an hour. I was charged for a covid $80, 3 post-op massages $150 and a drug test $20. I went over my clearance paper work with a medical assistant who also took 9 before pics of me. Keep in mind, your surgery can be cancelled or reschedule if all of you labs aren’t at the surgery center on pre-op day. I cannot stress how important it is to take your labs with you!!! Mine were faxed over from urgent care but I was also provided copies which I took with me. The photos were sent directly to my surgeon to analyze before surgery. From my knowledge, I was also to be fitted for my faja but that never happened, do NOT leave pre-op without a faja!!! I paid for 3 massages from CG totaling $150 which I regret badly. I do NOT recommend getting massages from the surgery center. There are 4-5 different surgeons performing surgeries on any given day and they do at minimum 4 surgeries per day, that’s at least 15-20 different girls with the same surgery and post-op date. CG had 2 massage therapists to drain 15-20 girls. I was drained for 9 mins, your drain massages should last at least 45 mins for maximum drainage. I only used 1 of the 3 massages I paid for and was denied a refund. That is a huge downside to CG once they have your money good fucking luck getting it back! Ps. Ellie was a royal fucking cunt!!!!! She told my medical assistant that I didn’t need a faja so I was never fitted for one and woke up out of surgery with a binder on versus a faja like I should have. I wanted to slap the shit out of her and took the charge on the chin but I wanted my surgery so I refrained.. I was put on a 12 hour fast and contacted an hour after pre-op with my surgery address and time. My fast started at 7pm the day before surgery and my surgery time wa at 6:30a, there was a $300 for showing up to surgery late. All I could bring to surgery was compression socks and a faja (that I didn’t have), I was instructed to bathe with dial (the orange one) before surgery to make sure my incisions weren’t infected, no lotion, perfume, deodorant, makeup, nails, lashes, no jewelry/piercing or hair products and no personals ie, purse money, wallet also you will need a companion or surgery will be cancelled. I’ll upload all my paperwork at the end. Surgery day arrive at the surgery center at 6:15 am how about the entire fucking staff was late! Bitch I was outside in Miami alone with compression socks on and a moo moo, LIVID. No one arrived until 7:10 am, baby I wanted to kill everyone but fuck it, it was go time. I’m escorted to a room, changed into a paper gown, piss tested, my labs were reviewed again and finally my surgeon comes in! We were in the exam room alone which was weird cause I was asshole naked but he kept it 1000% professional, he asked me what I wanted and I say “the fattest ass” he looked me dead in my eyes without a single hesitation and said “it’ll heal like a diaper” LMAO. I showed him areas that I wanted lipo’d to death and he marked me up, I didn’t aka e picture of my mark ups but shit was rolling by then, he walked out I put my paper gown back on and the anesthesiologist walked in. I expressed my biggest concerns to him, I didn’t want to die and I didn’t want to wake up during surgery. He explain why the drug test was so important because certain street drugs will have adverse effect with the anesthesia. My anesthesiologist walked me up to the surgery room and I hopped on the table, they put massage boots on both of my feet and inserted an iv, the mask was put on my face and my heart rate went to heaven, I wanted to shit myself bro. The anesthesiologist told me to make a tight fist, I asked what time it was, 8:08am.. I woke up to a nurse helping me into a wheelchair with a binder around my waist and I was scream crying because my entire body ached, I didn't know where I was and the anesthesia is no hoe. I was escorted to my recovery house’s transportation van and taken to my damn bed.

I chose Flawlesss Recovery House with Ms. Opal. I paid a $200 deposit before 2 weeks before surgery and the balance the day I left. I opted for a 5 day stay. I loved it there bro and couldn’t imagine trying to recover at a hotel or air bnb! There were nurses there 24-7, I was roomed with one other girl but the house had a total of 4 bedrooms, one of which no one occupied and the door was always shut but my room was the only room with 2 beds, the others had 3 beds. I had a call button, it was love, the nurses came expeditiously when I rang it. They made 3 home cooked meals per day and I don’t eat meat, they accommodated me with no hesitation. I loved it man. So couple hours after surgery I attempted to use the bathroom on my own and blacked out, the anesthesia is really fucking strong and took an entire day to wear off (for me), the nurses helped me pee in a cup until then. Post op day 9/21/21, I went in to make sure I looked good, got a faja finally and received that lousy as drain. Back to the recovery house I was able to walk finally w/o passing out and in went my foams, I also could pee by myself with the use of a urinal. I was constipated for 2 days, first bowel movement was on post op day 2. I paid for an independent massage therapist named Tatiana, she used a ultrasound machine to massage me so I cancelled her. When I took my faja off for my massage it was washed and dried by the time I was done, I took a shower and put my faja on with my foams. I cancelled Tatiana because don’t let nobody use no machine on you until you are at least 2 weeks post op, hand massages only. All the girls were getting massaged by the literal best massage therapist (in my opinion) her name is Brittany, I could cry she was EVERYTHING, I was tender but she put the painful massage theory to bed! She taught me how to drain myself and how to open my incisions without the q-tip looking thing. In 45 mins she drained 5 of those doggy pad things worth of fluid off of me. I received 4 massages in 5 days. I left on Saturday 9/25/2021 on Sunday, back in Atlanta, I received my 5th massage and that when I was told I have not one but 2 seromas. I swear on everything I love it was because everyone wakes up from surgery with a faja on but not me (Fuck you Ellie, lil bitch) I had on a binder (its what they use for tummy tucks). The lady who did my 1st massage in Atlanta was Bri, not gone post her ig cause she did a damn good massage but when I asked her to syringe drain me the good sis stuck this long ass needle in my seroma but could get the fluid out, cancelled her too (the massage was good asf tho but nah). Tired and tried I bit the bullet and booked a packed with Dream Body ($455 for 5 massage, I think, don’t quote me look it up on there site and follow them on ig) because they are the biggest name in Atlanta, Jayda Wayda goes to them. The most painful massage yet, yes Michelle lil ass is so strong but she will get the fluid up off you. She made me tear up bad and no matter how much I screamed or even tried to push her off of me she understood the assignment, Michelle helped me get back into my faja after my massage and told me my faja was too big and to have it altered. She recommended a lady on ig @siri2sir but to know me is to know I altered my shit myself. Allow me to tell y'all, I look good asf!!!!!!! 10/4/2021

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angel-e-v-a · 4 years

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Okay, so I’ve been absent again, for a while, and you had the chance to rest from the gif spam.

Didn’t plan to, mind you, I simply got drunk Saturday evening, slept just few hours, had to go shopping Sunday, eek, and then we got invited to a party, as the brother of my husband’s colleague was celebrating his daughter’s birthday.

I wasn’t even supposed to go at first, seeing as I don’t know the guy, only my husband went, so I thought, okay, I have the entire evening to chill around, and in Monday I’ll be as good as new to get back on here, but that guy, few shots of booze later, insisted that I be invited over too. If I ain’t mistaken, I think he’s ultimately invited over everyone he’s ever heard of, so...

I had my rewatch of TTP interrupted at episode four, was pulled out of my bed, begrudgingly separated from my bowl of popcorn, and had about half-an-hour to find something decent for a party, which ended bad, seeing as I picked the first thing with shiny details I’ve seen, and it turned out to be a blouse with two sets of shoulder straps and extremely tight sleeves with a cut.

It took me five attempts to put it on correctly, seeing as I felt worse then the night prior and have never ever worn that blouse before, traumatized my dog for life as I toppled over during one of them, but in the end I somehow managed to make myself look humanly.

And managed not to fall asleep in the middle of the party, but had a rather pleasant evening eating all available food... oops. Jokes aside, it did me well, it was months since I was at a huge gathering, but the downside is that I got drunk again, and had to spend Monday collecting my senses instead.

Which maybe is good again, as we got a chance to go down to the river and take the dog for a swim (she doesn’t seem to like it very much, though), but I don’t feel rested anyhow, I’m back to my I just want to sleep phase.

But, I’ll pick up the queue later today, and maybe, just maybe will try finishing at least one gifset.

#ana talks

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andytfish · 4 years

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FREELANCE GUiDANCE: A 10 PART SERIES - #10 Make Excuses or Make Progress

We come to the end-- I hope the advice has given you some insight and guidance into the rigors of freelance.

I'm not going to recap what I've already written, you can do that on your own, rather I'd like to take a look at the obstacles you might be facing in your drive to succeed; the biggest one might be YOU.

Are you the kind of person who often blames misfortune on someone else? Are you the kind of person who feels the world is against them? Are you the kind of person who looks at the success of others and feels a sense of jealousy or do you develop an attitude that they "just got the breaks"?

Successful people don't waste their time with blame. They don't waste their time with jealousy. Instead, they set goals, some realistic, some seemingly impossible, and they do everything in their power to achieve those goals.

Mistakes will happen. Misfortunes will come. Setbacks will occur. As Richard Nixon said in his autobiography only when we've been to the lowest valley can we truly appreciate the view from the highest mountain.

You either make excuses or you make progress but you can't do both. It's like attempting to win the Indianapolis 500 with your foot on the brake. Not going to happen, not a chance.

If you fall into the category of the excuse maker...STOP.

Today. This minute. Make a pledge and stick with it. Change the outlook and you'll change the outcome. Do you know what your goals are? If not, spend a minute to think about them and then set course to achieve. Here are a few basics to help you get started:

GOALS: Write them down. I am not one who believes in making a big deal about my birthday. When asked my age I often have to stammer for a few minutes because it's not something I ever think about- why?

BECAUSE ORSON WELLES WROTE AND DIRECTED CITIZEN KANE WHEN HE WAS 25 YEARS OLD.

That right there is enough to make me hang up my creative tools and go back into the fine world of retail, where you work a LOT of hours but if you get into management you make real money (unless you're working at Wal*Mart-- NO one should work there).

So I don't think about it. I don't set goals like "by thirty five I need a million dollars in the bank"-- rather I do it by more generic thought. "in the next ten years I want to do XX" << maybe that's all psychological but it works.

Write down your goals and then create a road map of how to get there. LINKEDIN is great for this, because through two connections on my own account you can be in touch with Jack Welsh. Amazing what technology does.

MENTOR: Find someone who's done what you want to do and try to learn from them. Most highly successful people are willing to share insight and even time with those lower down on the ladder of success. Most are willing to give a helping hand where they can, but they won't do the heavy lifting and it's easy to spot someone looking for an easy ride rather than someone who is willing to put in the effort. If you're sincere it will come through.

My favorite gallery of all time was SPACE 242 in Boston. I liked it better than many of the galleries I know in New York City and in Portland Oregon. I liked the vibe. I liked the themes. I liked that it was near the MCA so I could double up my culture. I liked that it was in SoBo which was experiencing a renewed art vibe. Most of all I liked their Halloween Show-- because it was boss.

We attended probably two years worth of shows before we introduced ourselves to Gallery Director Ami Bennet who looked at our work and soon gave us a very successful solo show at the gallery.

NETWORK: Get thine ass out and mingle with real people. It will benefit you both socially and professionally. If you're an artist, get to openings and bring business cards with you which lead prospective gallery owners and other artists to your website.

This is separate from getting out and hanging with friends-- that's important too-- but networking is getting together with your peers and people with similar interests.

TIME: Time is our enemy if we don't plan for it. Ignoring a deadline or a difficult task only puts it off until it's too late to effectively do something about it. Time with planning is our biggest ally.

I had a routine that I stuck with pretty much Monday - Friday. I would give a neighbor a ride to their job first thing in the morning, my dog in tow and we'd hit Elm Park for either a long walk or even a run around the park each and every morning. Then I'd walk the two blocks over to Dunkin Donuts on Chandler Street for a coffee and one of their lower calorie breakfast sandwiches. I was such a regular that the women who work there would know my coffee order as soon as I walked in.

I'd eat my breakfast sandwich and drink my coffee on my way back to the car and then be back in the studio by 10am with breakfast eaten, the dog walked and ready to work. I liked this routine because it ensured that I would be up early (as a freelancer controlling my own work schedule early rising can be an issue) and it also got me out of the studio for two hours everyday.

The downside was I was spending $7 on every visit.

The neighbor retired, and I kept up the routine for a few weeks but eventually I opted to make my own coffee and breakfast at home and walk my dog at the huge park near my home that was less than a half block away. While Elm Park was full of people, my park was deserted save for the occasional other dog walker or the old guy who would hit golfballs into the woods. It didn't have the same vibe, but it accomplished what I was looking for.

What I noticed was my spending money increased dramatically. I never really put it together that the $7 I was spending daily (it's only $7 after all) really added up. I decided everyday I'd drop the same $7 in a Lost In Space Cookie Jar I have in my studio. Just like Dunkins.

I kept doing it and paid it little attention. Spring came and went-- summer did too-- and before I knew it we were on the cusp of Halloween.

I decided to count the money in the Robot-- $1120. ONE THOUSAND ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY DOLLARS.

ONE THOUSAND ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY DOLLARS on a breakfast and coffee I barely even liked???

Holy hannah.

It's time you see? Time.

This works for projects, goals, money, relationships-- you name it. Time used wisely is your best friend. That's it my friends, re-read the posts, make some notes and put some of this advice to work. But most of all stop making, and stop accepting excuses.

You can do this.

Andy Fish is a freelance artist and writer who has been living the lifestyle longer than there has been an iPhone on this planet. The advice given has worked for him, it might work for you, he hopes it does. But like all advice, take it with your own situation in mind. If you want to contact him shoot him an email [email protected]

#ADVICE #FREELANCE #FREELANCE LIFESTYLE

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mmazzeroo · 4 years

Note

Happy belated nameday, Maria! I hope you had a great (and safe) day! ♥

Sharon, I’m so sorry! It has taken me almost two months to thank you for this lovely birthday greeting. You are so sweet and amazing for remembering and I’m not sure I even wished you on your nameday 😞Thus, very belated wishes of a happy nameday to you as well ❤️

With that said, please sit down and enjoy a nice cup of tea and let me explain why it’s taken me this long to get back to you - and a few others.

It was mid-March when my country went into covid19 lockdown. Initially the only downside for my family and I were the cancelling of birthdays hehe; have a sister and brother who are also proud March children. As a part-time student taking classes online there wasn’t much change for me in that area. However, I also work part-time in a kitchen at a 24-hour institution for young adults with autism which means I come into contact with a lot of people regularly. Living with my parents who are both retired and old enough to be classified as being 'at-risk', my chef decided I was one of the first ones who needed to stay home. Why I live with my old parents is another story for another time 🙂 With the stay-at-home order I remember thinking 'cool, then maybe I can finally sit myself down and get some writing done.' Yeah, right...

That’s when other news started to tick in.

- In the UK, a friend in the NHS had been working +18 hrs shifts on the psychiatric ward until he too was sent home because someone needed to look after his mentally unstable mother. - Another friend, in France, didn’t dare attend her beloved grandma’s funeral because she wasn’t sure if her fever was just a regular cold. - An old friend (as in time we’ve known each other), lost his father after a long hard battle with cancer. To make it worse he lives and works in Cyprus but his parents live in Athens, Greece, and because of the travel restrictions he couldn’t fly back to accompany his mother to the funeral. (Ok, he could but then he’d have to be in quarantine at a hotel for 14 days before being allowed to visit his mom). He talks with her twice daily but still hasn’t been able to visit her.

I’m from a large, close-knit family and they mean the world to me. Friends are considered extended family as in ’there’s the fridge, there’s the loo, make yourself at home.’ So imagining a scenario where I couldn’t attend the funeral of a loved one hit me like a knife. Around the time the stay-at-home order was put in place my dad had caught a cold. A cold that turned into pneumonia. A pneumonia that turned bad. A few days before my birthday he was admitted to the hospital because he began having trouble breathing. Up until that point he’d been at home, in bed and on antibiotics.The paramedics arrived quickly, wished him away and left me alone with my distraught mom. I’ll never forget the look in the driver's eyes when he reluctantly told my mom she couldn’t come along. He understood the pain his words inflicted but there was nothing anyone could do.

My dad was somewhere in a hospital, all alone, fighting for his life and there was nothing I could do or say to change that. We weren’t allowed to go visit. My mom would call daily to get updates and for a couple of weeks they weren’t exactly uplifting. The best news was that it wasn’t covid19. But, he was (briefly) put on a ventilator to help him breathe.

My mom distracted herself with cleaning and sorting and cooking etc. I, on the other hand, just shut down. I stopped reading, watching or listening to any kind of news, I might check a few of the notifications I got on twitter and insta, but I’d logged out of tumblr. I numbed my mind with movies and series - netflix became my new safe haven. I would have movies or a series running till I passed out from exhaustion.

Then one night there was a ping on my phone telling me there was a mail. It was from tumblr telling me that @tomakeitbeautifultolive had asked a question. It was so unexpected. Such a sweet, simple and kind gesture in the middle of my chaos was more than I knew how to handle so I cried. Silent tears and sniffles evolved into full blown sobbing, squeezing the pillow so tight I strangled the poor thing to death. Despite it sounding terrible how you wishing me a happy nameday caused me to cry myself to sleep, I want to thank you because I needed to get it out and you just happened to be the catalyst ❤️

Sorry for taking so long but I was so overwhelmed that even a simple thank you was too much for me 😞 The only one I’ve had bit of contact with is my awesome latino sis @helloimnotawesome but couldn’t even tell her because I didn’t know where to begin and honestly just wanted to pretend that the world only consisted of netflix and my bed. Sorry Val 😞

Started back at work again last Monday. Nice to be back but I also worry because the covid19 virus is still very much here, and what if I unknowingly bring it home? We live in a small town in a tourist area and since our government is talking of re-opening the borders it looks like we’ll get tourists this summer. Yes, they’re definitely needed and no, I don’t suspect or think badly of my European neighbours but..I’m still the one in the house who does the shopping and with more outsiders in the area the odds of the virus showing up here only increases. If from now on one of my parents get sick it will most likely be something I’ve brought home, and it scares me.

This turned out to be much longer than I thought it’d be. Sorry about that. If you stuck with me so far I’m very, very grateful.

I’ll end this on a happy note though: My dad is back home, safe and sound, and on the 28th of May he can celebrate his 75th birthday!

Once again, thank you Sharon! It meant more to me than I can ever express.

#Thank you for being a friend #2020 sucks #i've got mail

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thelostgirlfindingneverland · 5 years

Text

Take me to Neverland (Part 1)

Imagine: Ending up in Neverland and meeting Pan for the first time.

Sometimes I would sit in front of my mirror and just study myself. There was no real rhyme or reason in this, I just did. I studied the way I smiled, how I looked when I scrunched my nose, how I glared, everything. I guess you would think me weird because of this and trust me I do not blame you, but it’s just something I’ve always done. Like today, my sixteenth birthday, I sat in my pink, poofy chair in front of my floor length mirror doing the same thing I’ve done for years. Since midnight I have just been looking in my mirror waiting for some type of change. People say your life will completely change when you turn sixteen, yet I didn’t feel any different and I sure as hell didn’t look any different. I still had the same just past my shoulder length dirty blonde hair that never knew what it really wanted to do because it has always been thick and in between wavy and straight. I always had to either straighten it or wave it because just blowing drying it would leave it in this weird in between stage that I loathed. I still had the same dull, grey-blue eyes and round/square face shape. My friends always told me I had beautiful eyes, but I never believed them. They were lifeless and dull, not like those beautiful girls with sun kissed hazel eyes or piercing blue eyes. To bring them out more I covered both lash lines on the top and bottom with black eye liner and mascara. Huffing I scrunched up my nose and studied my face some more. One thing I can say I was proud of on my face is that I never seemed to get acne. While the rest of my friends suffered through pizza face and having to pound on concealer like it’s nobody’s business, I sat there with peachy smooth, clear skin. The downside was that I always looked a tad younger than everyone else. Today was going to be different, I was going to have some type of change; I needed it. Satisfied with looking in the mirror I stood up and let out a breath. My outfit fit into my regular guidelines: high-waisted blue jean shorts, a black Nirvana tank-top, a red/black/grey flannel wrapped firmly around my waist, grey knee high socks, finishing with worn out black high-top Converse. Walking out into the living room I looked over my shoulder, dad was in his office, as usual, busy working and Kai, my husky, was lounging on the couch.

“Oh, you lazy bum you,” I said dramatically as I jumped on the couch next to Kai. She let out an excited bark and licked my cheek. “Love you too,” I smiled.

“Could you be quiet out there, Lux? I’m a little busy,” dad yelled. “Yeah,” I mumbled as I hugged Kai.

Oh yeah, by the way my name is Lucy Oakwood, but everyone just calls me Lux. You’re probably wondering where my mom is. No, she didn’t die nor is she suffering from a terminal illness. She’s alive and well; no sob story here. The only sob story is the fact that she’s never here. All she does is work and when she is home she sits there and nags at my dad and I all day. I know I’m not the size 2 you were in high school mom, but for Christ’s sake I don’t need to be reminded of it every time I grab dessert. I’m not that big; I’m only a size 5 and not too short either, 5′5″. For my height and weight I am perfectly healthy and gosh dammit if I want an extra slice of cake I’m going to get it without anyone giving me shit for it, especially my mother. She should be supportive and loving, instead all I get are empty smiles and cold hugs.

“I’m taking Kai for a walk,” I yelled. Hell, he probably did not even hear me.

“Come on Kai, lets go,” I said sweetly as I walked out the door, Kai following. Kai didn’t need a leash, she was well-behaved enough.

After walking for some time I decided to stop off at the park. It was a Monday, yeah my birthday was on a Monday, but it was during the summer so there was only a couple people out, most of them were out fishing by the river. I, however, was headed near the wooded area to my favorite swing. Kai barked and ran around chasing butterflies as I swung. I expected too much from today. No one could hangout, my two best friends, my only friends were on a family trip up North, my parents were working, and I was sitting on a swing with my dog. Nothing changed whatsoever, if anything I felt emptier that I ever had in my whole entire life. Taking a breath I reached into my purse and pulled out a cigarette and my black BIC lighter. What did I care anymore? It’s not like anyone actually cared about me anyway, they were too busy with their own lives. I lit the cigarette and it burned, like usual, setting my throat on fire. I inhaled deeply then exhaled watching as the smoke plumed up towards the sky. For the first time since I’ve smoked these god awful things I didn’t cough. Continuing smoking I closed my eyes and listened. The sound of children shouting and playing, adults talking amongst themselves and on their phones, dogs barking, bees buzzing around, and the light wind filled my ears. It all sounded happy, peaceful and yet I was sitting here like an empty shell. No one takes the time to talk to a lonely, shy girl who’s no better than a fly on the wall. I was invisible. Don’t get me wrong, I loved solitude. It was nice to be by myself and escape for a little while, but let me tell you one thing, being alone, literally, and feeling alone are two totally different concepts. At least if you are alone, you can change that by calling someone, but feeling alone is the hell I have been in every day of my life. Dusk swept over the sky and I decided it was time to head home.

“Kai, come on girl. Time to go home,” I yelled. She happily ran over and pranced by my side as we headed out of the park.

Something, anything, make something different about today, please. I thought, pleading as I looked up towards the sky. Get me out of this town; take me somewhere where I belong. Tears fell from my eyes before I could catch them, it was too late. I sobbed all the way home. Walking inside my parents were sitting in the living room watching TV. They never wished me a happy birthday.

“Hey Lux,” my mom smiled. “Oh hey, Lux,” said my dad after.

“Hey guys,” I mumbled as I made my way across the living room.

“What’s wrong?” my dad asked. I closed my eyes and turned around. “What is today, dad, the date?” I questioned as I squeezed my eyes shut praying that he would remember.

He sent me a confused look, “August 2nd.” I opened my eyes and looked at him.

Then it hit him, a look of worry swept across his face. “Oh Lux, I’m so sorry, it’s your birthday.” He got up and went to give me a hug, but I pushed him off.

Tears rimmed my eyes. “Not just any birthday, dad, my sixteenth birthday,” I angrily.

“Lux I-” I cut him off. “No, you no what, just never mind. I don’t care anymore,” I hissed as I turned headed for my room.

“You do not talk to your father like that young lady,” yelled my mom. “Get back here now!”

“Or what mom? You just going to tell me how fat I am or something? What?” I yelled. Her jaw dropped, she was speechless.

“Lux!” my dad exclaimed and before I knew it, my face was met by his hand connecting with my cheek. He hit me, he seriously fucking hit me. I grabbed my cheek wide-eyed and ran to my room, slamming the door behind me. Tears fell freely as I grabbed my black, duffle bag from my closet. I was done; I could not stand this shit anymore. Stuffing what I needed into my bag I looked at Kai. She looked at me with worry in her eyes.

“I am sorry Kai, but I cannot be here anymore. I know there’s a better place somewhere out there for me,” I whispered to her as I rubbed behind her ears. She whined and laid down giving me her big, blue puppy dog eyes. “I know, I’ll miss you too,” I said, tears swelling in my eyes as I leaned down to kiss her head. This was it; I was leaving, for real this time, no turning back. I straightened up and opened my window.

“Bye Kai, I love you,” I said as I swung myself out my window with my bag. Surreptitiously, I walked past the front of my house and down the street. I left them a note telling them why I left and that they should not come for me. Whether they understood or not I was going.

***3 hours later*********

After some time of walking I found myself at the beginning of a nature preserve. There was no way around it and I was not going to turn around now, so taking a breath I started making my way through the wilderness praying that I wouldn’t end up with poison ivy. Or worse, poison oak. The nature preserve seemed to go on forever and my feet were starting to ache when I decided it was time to take a break. Up ahead there was a small stream and to the right was a rather large rock followed by a huge log on the ground beside it. I hopped up on the rock and laid down looking up at the now black sky. Stars scattered the clear sky and the full moon shone brighter than I had ever seen it before.

“I wish to be anywhere but here. Take me away to a place where people like my parents don’t exist. Hell, where no parents exist, so no one can tell me what to do anymore. Take me to a place where I’m free and no longer so lonely. I believe….I believe in a place like this. Please,” I whispered to the night sky. “I believe, I do, I really do believe,” I whispered one last time before I was swept off into a deep sleep.

*****************************************

I am woken up by merciless light causing me to roll over when I realize that I am not on the hard rock I fell asleep on. In a panic my eyes shoot open and I stand up. I was no longer in the middle of a nature reserve next to a stream I was somewhere else. I was on a beach with the calm blue sea to my right and a dense, green forest to my left. I took it all in at once and it was like I couldn’t breathe. My stomach was in knots. Where was I, my thoughts screamed? It was then that I realized I still had my duffle bag. I grabbed it fast; looking through it making sure nothing was stolen. I furrowed my eyebrows when I realized nothing was taken, so if someone took me here why didn’t they take anything?

“Oh fuck,” I whispered to myself aloud as I looked around.

Biting my finger nervously, I slung my bag over my shoulder, dusted myself off and started walking down the beach. There had to be something here…..someone? It seemed like I was walking forever when I saw the end of the beach, there was no where else to go except through the forest, so I took a deep breath and went in.

This place was like a never ending, beautiful hell. There was no one, not a single soul around except for the hum of animals and insects in their natural habitat. How the hell did I end up here? Where the hell was I? My thoughts were screaming at me as I trenched through the forest. I now regretted wearing these shorts and knee-highs. My knee-highs were getting completely destroyed and my thighs were getting mercilessly attacked by branches; scrapes covered them. With each step I was getting more and more angry and hungry. Not watching where I was going I tripped over a log and went tumbling down a ditch. Everything went black.

Moments later I woke up and instinctively touched my face. Looking at my hand I saw the blood. I had hit my head on a log causing a gash on my forehead close to my hairline. Now there were scrapes covering my whole body. I couldn’t take it anymore. My head felt like a thousand needles were being drilled into it, my body was on fire, and all I wanted was a juicy burger and fries. I flipped my head back and screamed at the top of my lungs. Not just any old scream, the *if I did this at home someone would probably call the cops* scream, or the scream when you just let it all loose. All the anger, all the throbbing pain, all of it let out in one ear blistering scream. When I was done, tears filled my eyes and I let them pour out. Grabbing my bag, I threw it behind my head and laid myself down. This was it; I was going to die alone. I was tired and so ready to just give up, so I closed my eyes and let sleep consume me.

When I woke up, I had prayed that this was all just one big dream and I would be in my comfy bed at home. But no, I wasn’t that lucky, when I awoke, I was in the same place I was before, laying on the ground in a ditch using my duffle bag as a pillow. It was pitch black and I could not see a thing. What would I do now? It was too dark to try to get up and find my way back to the beach. I sat there for minutes in deep thought when I heard the crack of a branch to my left.

“Who-who is it!?!” I yelled as I stood up fast grabbing my duffle.

“Now, now that’s no way to treat someone who could help you, now is it?” a voice said.

“You didn’t answer my question and where are you, I can’t see a thing?” I asked as I backed up into a tree.

“So many questions girl, and we only just met,” the voice said when out of no where a fire appeared before me, lighting up the ditch. I held my breath and looked up. It was a boy, probably around my age no older than 18. He had light brown, shaggy hair, green eyes that were so piercing they mimicked emeralds, and he wore green, patched together clothing as a shirt and pants. Around his waist was a belt and a dagger. I eyed him questioningly.

“Uh-uhm-uh wwhere arree wwe?” I stuttered.

He smirked and his eyes glowed with pride. “We, my dear, are in Neverland.”

#peter pan #peter pan imagine #neverland

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alindakb · 4 years

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Letters to my Parents - Monday 29 August 1994 - by Alinda

Monday 29 August 1994

Dear mom and dad,

I think I had the best birthday ever this year. Draco arrived on the morning of my birthday, kissing me awake. It was good to have him in my arms again, to have him close. I hate it when he’s not with me. Draco said he had the worst month of his life, trying to avoid his father as much as he could and missing me like crazy. And then he went off to go make me breakfast while I showered and got dressed.

When I got downstairs Draco just finished our breakfast. I think Sirius was impressed that Draco knows how to cook and I could see he was trying really hard to be civil with Draco. Draco is really polite towards Sirius and all that crazy pure blood etiquette is showing when he’s around Sirius. I don’t think it really helps, that it just pisses off Sirius even more. But I love how Draco tries to impress my Godfather and proof he’s a decent person.

Oh, I need to tell you about the awkward conversation I had with Sirius the day before my birthday. He said that he had a talk with Moony and that realised that it was pointless to try to keep me and Draco apart at night, that if even Snivellus can’t make it happen it would be hopeless. It took me a couple of seconds to understand Sirius mend Professor Snape with that. I wanted to say something about that but didn’t get the chance and the topic Sirius started was so horrifying it slipped my mind for some time.

Sirius gave me the sex talk. It was awkward, he stumbled over his words and I just wanted the ground below me to open up and swallow me whole. He said you would have given me the talk too if you were still alive dad, and Sirius wanted to make sure I was safe and protected. He asked me if Draco and I had already done anything more than kiss and I didn’t know what to say. He took my silence as a yes and said he knows forbidding me to do anything while Draco is here is useless, that he was young once too. So instead he thought me how to cast a strong silencing charm and gave me a book that explains spells that can help when penetrating each other.

I tried to shut him up by saying hadn’t done that and I think Sirius was relieved to hear that. He went on that Draco and I are still very young and that I shouldn’t do anything I don’t want to. I promised I wouldn’t and then fled the room. Draco has looked into the book and says it’s interesting, says I should read it for when we want to take that step, so I also know what to expect. I don’t know if I want that, but on the other hand, the idea of being that close and intimate with Draco makes me feel all fussy inside.

But back to my birthday. We had breakfast and then Draco and I just hanged out in the garden. The family Tonks and Professor Lupin, who keeps insisting I call him Remus or Moony, joined us. Mrs Tonks had baked a cake for my party and prepared all these crazy dishes for lunch. It was nice to see Sirius light up with Remus around.

Around four all my friends arrived. It was nice to have Hermione, Blaise, Greg, Daphne and Luna come over to my home during the summer. We had a lot of fun. Mrs Tonks had put 14 candles on my cake, which was delicious. We hung out in the garden and everyone told me about their own summer adventures. Blaise had been to some tropical island, Greg and Daphne had met up several times during break and Hermione explained how she helped out her parents with their work. Luna was fascinated by the way muggles take care of their teeth.

Sirius had ordered pizza’s for dinner and made a bonfire in the garden when it became dark and chilly. I have no idea till how late we all stayed outside and talked, but it was amazing to celebrate my birthday this way.

A couple of nights after my birthday I had this crazy dream. I woke up with my hand pressed over my face and a worried Draco next to me. My scar hurt like it was burning and I was glad that Draco was here to hold me and tell me it was all just a dream. I told him I’d seen a snake and had heard Wormtail talk to Voldemort. I couldn’t see Voldemort and when the chair he was sitting on got turned around I woke up from the horror of it. And there had been an old man who got killed and Voldemort spoke of a person they had killed and the person they were plotting to kill, that last one being me.

But the dream was not the thing that scared me. I was scared because my scar hurt. The only other time it had was when Voldemort was close. Draco checked by looking out the window, but he assured me there was no sign of the Dark Lord or any of his followers outside. The little park in front of the house was deserted this late at night. Draco got back into bed and pulled me down with him and hold me until I finally fell back asleep.

The next morning we talked to Sirius about my scar hurting and he was not pleased. He said that I should not worry, that he was just overreacting, but he left that afternoon to talk to Dumbledore about it. He also talked about signs, and that we should all be careful. He gave Draco a look before he left. I hate it when he does that, look at Draco like he’s the enemy. Draco hates it too, he tries so hard to get on Sirius’ good side but nothing seems to convince him that Draco is not a bad person.

This Tuesday we went over to the family Tonks so we could take a very early Port-key to the Quidditch World Cup. Sirius had gotten tickets from the Ministry for his wrongful imprisonment. We were all very excited to go. We had six tickets and we went together with Draco, Tonks, Remus and Mr Tonks. Mrs Tonks made us an amazing dinner the night before and promised to wake us all up in time. It felt like she woke us up way too early. Draco was even cranky, and he’s the morning person of both of us. I was just glad she didn’t say anything about the fact that Draco hadn’t slept in the bed she made for him but instead had again crawled into mine.

We had to get up so early to take the Port-key. It was just for me and Draco, all the others could apparate but they said it would be more fun if we would all go together as a group. Tonks regretted that decision in the morning, complained that it was too early, that her head hadn’t recovered yet and Remus jokes she should have drunk less. It sounded like he, Sirius and Tonks had a little party last night when we were already in bed.

On our walk, Sirius and Remus told us all about how good you were at Quidditch, dad. They talked about the boring training they would watch, while Remus and Peter would do homework and Sirius would just try to distract Moony. Tonks piped in on how she loved flying against Charlie when she was on the team during her time at Hogwarts. And then I told them how good Draco is as a chaser and that he was voted our new team captain. Everyone congratulated him, even Sirius, who said it was a great responsibility and that he should remember not to favour any players above others (meaning me). Draco promised he would try to and that he was really excited about it.

We didn’t take the Port-key with just us six. When we got at the location Cedric Diggory and his father were already there. Draco and I both agree that Cedric is extremely handsome. He’s about seventeen and is the captain and seeker of the Hufflepuff team. His father got all excited when he noticed that I was along everyone. He looked at my scar and it made me a little uncomfortable. Draco squeezed my hand and it made me feel a little better. Until Cedric’s father looked at our locked hands like we were contagious. Cedric noticed and mouthed a sorry towards us.

When it was time we all gathered around the Port-key and Mr Tonks counted down from three and then it happened. It felt like a hook just behind my navel had suddenly jerked me irresistibly forward. My feet left the ground but I could still feel Draco’s hand in mine and I knew it was okay. We were speeding forward in a howl of wind and swirling colours until my feet slammed onto the ground and we were at our destination. Both Draco and I fell over and Tonks laughed at us. We had arrived at a misty moor and were told by the ministry officials (who were very jealous about Tonks not being on duty for the Quidditch World Cup) which campsite we had to go to. Cedric and his father were on a different campsite, so we parted ways with them and set off to our own campsite.

The landlord of our campsite was a muggle and was really confused about all the crazy people that had pre-booked and looked like crazy people that kept showing up. Mr Tonks had a nice chat with him. Being Muggle-born, he was able to settle the man a little and he showed us on a little map where our site was. The entire field was filled with tents, some of them looked muggle, but a lot of them didn’t. Our spot was at the edge of the wood at the end of the field. With the guidance of Mr Tonks, we set up two small tents. One for Tonks and her father, and one for Sirius, Remus, Draco and I. The tent looked very small from the outside, but once you would get in it was pretty large. It had two bedrooms, both with bunk beds. Sirius told us we could have one just for the two of us, as long as we promised to keep our hands to ourselves.

Once the tents were done, Draco and I went out to get some water from the tap. It was amazing to see the many wizards and witches around us. I never really thought about how many there were in Britain, let alone in the entire world. And there were little kids with magic, playing with their parents' wands and flying small broomsticks. Draco saw me gaping at them and he told me he still has his somewhere at the manor if I wanted to go give it a try. I pushed him a little away from me and we both laughed before our hands linked again. I felt really good that day, just hanging with Draco at a campsite filled with people from all over the world that were just as magical as me.

The only downside was that sometimes people would look at us, see how close we were and that we were holding hands, and then would say nasty things. Sirius had warned me that not all wizards and witches are okay with people being bent, and I know that there are kids at school who also think its wrong, but it still hurts a little when they show their hatred of people like us.

One small spot of the campsite was covered in shamrocks and was filled with Irish people. Seamus Finnigan and his best friend Dean Thomas among them. We had a little chat with them, Seamus was sure that Ireland was going to win, no matter what. We agreed and then moved on so we could talk about Victor Krum, the Bulgarian Seeker. He looks a bit grumpy most of the time, but he’s an amazing flier. And he’s only eighteen years old. He’s been in Quidditch Weekly a couple of times and his skills are impressive. I wish I could fly like that. (Draco says I should tell you that he thinks I fly even better than Krum)

We also ran into Terence Higgs, who introduced us to his parents and told us that he had dropped out of his potions masters studies because he got signed by the Puddlemere United reserve team. I told him Draco was made captain of the team now that Marcus had graduated and Terence said the right man got that job. A little further we saw Adrian and Miles who waved at us while they cooked breakfast for their families.

Ron Weasley was also at the campsite, together with his brothers, his little sister, his father and Neville Longbottom. Fred and George greeted us with big smiles on their faces and Ginny was all shy around me. Ron said that she worshipped me still, even though it was clear I would never love her back. But more interesting were the older brothers, Bill and Charlie. Bill is a curse breaker with long hair and earrings and Charlie works with Dragons in Roumania. He’s got tattoos and burn marks all over his body. I think Ron didn’t like that we had more attention for his brothers than for him.

When we got back to the tents everyone had settled around a nice fire and we eat some amazing sandwiches that Mrs Tonks had prepared for us. Sirius and Tonks were having a loud discussion about who would win the match and Draco and I sneaked off to the woods behind the tents to have a nice little snug fest. Before we got back to the tent again we bought some omnioculars, very fancy magical binoculars that can replay, slow down and have flash up play-by-play breakdown.

And then a deep, booming gong sounded somewhere beyond the woods, and at once, green and red lanterns blazed into life in the trees, lighting a path to the field. We made our way to the stadium and up to the top box all the way at top of the stairs. The top box was at the highest point of the stadium situated exactly halfway between the golden goal posts. Sirius made sure we got to sit on the front row seats. In the beginning, it was just us at the top together with a house-elf, but soon more people made it to the top box, including the Minister, Cornelius Fudge who greeted me like I was an old friend of his. He introduced me to the Bulgarian minister and introduced himself to Draco, but ignored Sirius, Tonks and Remus the best he could. Remus later said that the minister didn’t want to been seen with a werewolf, a metamorphmagus and a reminder of his failure when it comes to Sirius.

Not long after that, Draco’s father and mother arrived. They took places just behind me and Draco. Draco hugged his mother shortly and said a formal hello to his father. I also greeted them, in the hope that one day they would consider me worthy enough for their son. At that moment I understood why Draco was trying so hard when it came to Sirius. I know Draco kind of hates his father at the moment, but he’s still his father and I want him to like me. Not that Sirius was any help with that. He and Lucius greeted each other with a look of dismay. Draco’s mother made a little more effort and said it was nice to see Sirius again. She did the same with Mr Tonks and she introduced herself to Tonks, saying it was good to finally meet her. Tonks just nodded and turned back around in her seat, not interested in her aunt at all. She later told Draco she’s glad he’s not as narrow-minded as his parents. I know Draco struggled with this, he really loves his mother and I agree with him, she’s lovely. She really helped me last year when I had run away from the Dursleys.

The game then began with the Bulgarian mascots, Veela’s. It was crazy to see how they impacted all the man around us, except for me, Draco and Sirius. Sometimes it’s nice to be bent and not interested in women. We could hear Draco’s mother whisper to his father to get a grip and Mr Tonks was on the front of his seat to get a better look. Tonks pulled him back to make sure he wouldn’t fall out of the box. Next were the Leprechauns, the Irish mascots. They made it rain gold, but Sirius warned us that the gold would disappear so that it was no use trying to catch it.

And then both teams were introduced and the game was happening right in front of us. It was an amazing game. The speed of the players was incredible and I missed the first goal because I slowed my omnioculars down and was watching in slow motion. The Irish chasers were superb, they worked as a seamless team and Draco told me he wanted to try out some of their moves with the Slytherin team this year. He was sure that he and Adrian would be able to pull some of those moves off. They scored a couple of times before the Bulgarians made their first goal. And then the Irish seeker crashed to the floor when Krum did the Wronksi defensive feint. I looked at it in slow motion when the medi-wizard took care of Lynch (the Irish seeker) and was amazed by Krum’s flying skills. He makes it look like he’s unsupported and weightless in the sky.

When the game started up again, the Irish took a massive lead and the game became dirtier and dirtier. At one point the Irish got a penalty and the Veela tried to seduce the referee, who then tried to send them off the field. The Bulgarian beaters started an argument with the referee, who then gave Ireland another two penalties. Not much later, when Ireland got another penalty the Veela and Leprechauns got into a fight and the Veela’s didn’t look beautiful anymore, but their faces had elongated into sharp, cruel-beaked bird heads and long, scaly wings were bursting from their shoulders. But I didn’t pay much attention to that fight, because the game was still going on and I didn’t want to miss one little bit.

At some point, a Bludger hit Krum who broke his nose, but the referee didn’t see because his broom was on fire and Krum just continued the game with a bleeding nose. At that moment the Irish Seeker suddenly went into a dive, he’d seen the snitch. Krum sped after him and they drawled level while they hurtled towards the ground. Lynch smashed into the ground and Krum rose up into the air, his fist held high, a glint of gold in his hand. He’d caught the snitch. The final score was 160 points for Bulgaria and 170 for Ireland. Remus asks why Krum had cot the Snitch and both me, Draco and Tonks explained to him that it was clear that Bulgaria was never going to catch up to the Irish.

After the game, Draco said goodnight to his parents and we made our way back to the campsite. Mr Tonks made us all some hot chocolate and I think he spiked the once of all the adults and we had some conversations about the game. When we finished our drinks Sirius told us it was time for bed and Draco and I slipped into the tent. We got into our bed and Draco told me he wanted to become a professional Quidditch player one day. His eyes shown and his smile was wide and gorgeous. I told him that I’m sure he will be one day, that he’s an amazing Chaser. We kissed and moved together until pleasure took over before we fell asleep.

I wish that could have been the end of our little trip, blessed out and in the arms of the man I love. But the night turned into a small nightmare. Sirius woke us up in the middle of the night and told us to get a jacket and to get outside. When we got outside we could see people running away into the woods. Something was moving across the field towards us, emitting odd flashes of light and noises like gunfire. Draco muttered the word Death Eaters and when I looked closer I could see that the something were people wearing masks and pointing their wands into the air. High above them, floating along in midair, were four struggling figures that were being contorted into grotesque shapes. Sirius told us to hide in the woods, that he was going to help Moony, Tonks and Mr Tonks who already had set off towards the group of Death Eaters.

Draco took my hand and pulled me into the woods. When I looked at him he had tears streaming down his cheeks and I stopped him when we had just passed the first line of trees. I could hear children crying, anxious shouts and panicked voices all around us, but at that moment I only had eyes for Draco. He muttered he was sorry and I took him in my arms, told him he had nothing to be sorry for. And then he said that he had, that his father was probably one of the people torturing those muggles. I didn’t know what to say to Draco at that point. I don’t blame him for what his father does, and I hate how it hurts Draco, but he was right. Draco’s father was most likely the one organising the masked parade.

The blasts from the commotion came closer and closer and Draco took out his wand and light it up. I tried to get mine, but somehow I’d had lost it. We looked around with the light of Draco’s wand but couldn’t find it. It made me feel vulnerable and I was glad Draco was with me, knowing he would protect me if it was necessary.

We were still looking when the house-elf that had been in the top box was fighting her way out of a clump of bushes nearby. She moved as though someone invisible was trying to hold her back. She said some nonsenses and then disappeared into the trees on the other side of the path.

We decided to move further into the woods and slowly the world around us became quieter. We picked a spot and sat down to wait for Sirius to return. I was worried about them all, fighting the death eaters. I only just got to live with Sirius, I didn’t want to go back to the Dursleys if anything bad happened now.

After some time we heard footsteps behind us, but nobody was there. Draco called out a hello, but there was no answer. And then someone shouted a spell that made Draco shiver next to me. A vast, green light erupted from between the trees and flew up into the sky. It formed a colossal skull with a serpent protruding from its mouth like a tongue. In seconds the woods around us erupted with screams and Draco was squeezing so hard onto my hand it hurt. I whispered to him to ask what it was and he told me it was the Dark Mark, the sign of the Dark Lord. We stood there frozen searching the woods around us for the person who had conjured the mark until wizard appeared around us. We only just ducked in time before they all started shooting off stupefy’s. And then Tonks screamed at them to all stop, that it was Harry Potter they were aiming at.

The firing stopped and Tonks checked to see if we were alright, but she was pushed out of the way by a stern-looking wizard, Mr Crouch, who right away accused Draco of conjuring the Dark Mark. I told he Draco hadn’t, but Mr Crouch didn’t believe me. Sirius and Remus showed up and Sirius almost started a fight with Crouch. Remus asked us where the Mark had come from and we pointed him in the right direction. Remus and some of the other wizards raised their wands towards the trees we pointed out and went to search the woods. Only seconds later they came back out with an unconscious house-elf, Mr Crouch’s house-elf. And she was holding a wand. When Mr Diggory held it in front of the elf I recognised it as my own lost wand. For a moment everyone looked at me like I had conjured the Dark Mark until Sirius said that they all should remember who they are looking at.

Mr Diggory continued to question Mr Crouch’s house-elf and I was surprised when Draco spoke up to say that it hadn’t been a house-elf voice that had conjured the mark, but the voice of a man. There was some more discussion going on and in the end, everyone agreed that the house-elf couldn’t have conjured the mark and we were all free to go and I’d gotten my wand back. Sirius apparated us back to Grimmauld Place and made us go back to bed. In bed, Draco explained to me that the Dark Mark was used whenever someone was killed by Death Eaters. His father had told him about it when he was younger. I told Draco I was worried, that not long ago I had woken up with my scar hurting and now his mark had shown in the sky. Draco nodded and kissed me and told me to try to get some sleep.

And now it’s morning, Draco has just finished his shower and we’re about to go down for some breakfast. I’m scared mom and dad. What if Voldemort is really coming back? Will he come after me?

Draco is telling me not to worry, that we’ll be off to Hogwarts soon and that the Dark Lord is terrified of Dumbledore so that we will be safe as long as we are at school. And that he’s hungry, so I should stop writing and make him breakfast.

Love you both,

Harry James Potter.

#letters to my parents #drarry #Harry Potter #Draco Malfoy #harry in slytherin #quidditch world cup #birthday party #dark mark #viktor krum #AlindasStories

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xleepless · 4 years

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Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

If you don’t like wild rides this might not be a good read for you.

fuck.

March 8th I headed to my mom’s house in the morning to have a conversation I really didn’t want to have. My relationship with her has never been great, and in my adult life we had a fight about things that I wasn’t willing to continue tolerating, so I opened up a conversation about it and how we could either move forward or I was essentially going to cut her out of my life. I left in the middle of a fight about something that I don’t remember.

On my way home, less than 5 minutes away from my apartment, I got hit by a drunk driver. I hit my head pretty hard, and while I didn’t black out, I ended up going to the ER. She was loaded into the cop car and cuffed after failing a field sobriety test just as I was being loaded into an ambulance. My mom and cousin showed up, as well as my roommate and my boyfriend, all of which followed me to the hospital. My car was towed to the shop I purchased it from, which has a collision repair center in it.

In the ER I was put into a chair, as they didn’t have any beds, and I waited for testing. My mom came back once to say hi and make sure I was okay, but for the most part my roommate and boyfriend stayed back with me. I got asked at one point if i could be pregnant, as is protocol. I told the nurse “I hope not, but I do participate in the act that causes pregnancy.” So they ran a pee test. Shortly after, they took me back for a scan of my neck and head to make sure there was nothing major.

When the nurse came back in, she asked my roommate and boyfriend to go back into the lobby. She then explained that I had no major damage in my neck or upper back - which was a relief because I have lower back issues - just that I have major whiplash, She also told me I was pregnant, but she wanted to run a blood test and an ultrasound to make sure that it wasn’t a false positive, and that because I was in a car accident, that everything was okay. I asked for my roomie and BF to come back in, and tearfully I told them the news. After confirmation - and a surprise that my blood type isn’t what I thought it was - they ran more tests, and everything came back positive, and just a few days along.

I got home at almost midnight, and had to wake up at 430 in the morning for work. At work, I made the mistake of telling people all of what happened, including the pregnancy. I didn’t know what to do. On the one hand, I’m 24 and not ready to be a mom, I can barely pay my fucking rent. On the other hand, the guy I’m with is my first love from high school. I dated him 6 years ago, and when we split up, I miscarried shortly after. Now I’m pregnant with his kid again, and I know well enough before hand to make sure everything goes okay. I downloaded one of those What To Expect apps, and with what the doctors at the ER told me, my estimated due date would be on my birthday. People told me that couldn’t not be a sign, so in the moment I decided to keep the pregnancy.

That choice feels like it cost me a lot of friendships.

March 10, my city was shutdown because of COVID. My company sent everyone to work from home, so no one lost their jobs, thankfully.

Over the next month, twice a week I would call in about my car. Monday calls went along the lines of “Your car’s repairs went faster than we expected, so you can come get it tomorrow” and Tuesday’s calls went along the lines of “we found another issue/a check was failed, it’ll be another week, sorry.” I don’t have rental coverage on my insurance plan, and I chose to have my insurance start on repairs immediately, so wasn’t able to get a rental car. If I chose to wait for the person that hit me’s insurance to announce fault on their end, I would have had to pay out of pocket for a rental and then after the settlement came in, I would get reimbursed. I can’t fucking afford that, so no car it was.

At some point towards the end of March and the beginning of April, I fell into a really deep depression. As soon as I learned I was pregnant, I stopped taking my antidepressants, and my anti-anxiety medications. I was in a really, really shitty place mentally, and physically without a car I felt so stuck. My roomie left to her parent’s house because my depression started to remind her of some past trauma that she couldn’t deal with, and I was trying - and failing, thankfully - to push my BF away. I came to the conclusion and realization that I don’t want to be pregnant. I don’t want to be a mom right now. So I called my mom, and I went to her house, and I called and scheduled an abortion. I won’t, and don’t want to go into too much detail here, but after I missed the first appt, i made the second, and they told me to wait a week. A week later I got it done, the second appt being on April 16. It was a two day process. Day one in the office, I took a pill to stop growth in the office, and 26 hours later I had to put 4 pills in my gums, kind of in my cheeks, and let them dissolve for 30 minutes to actually start the-... Evacuation, for lack of a better term. It was both surprising and unsurprising at the same time. The depression hasn’t quite sunk in about it yet, but I know it’s coming.

On Tuesday, April 14, I finally got the call that my car was triple checked, and was good to be picked up the next day. On Wednesday, I got a call that my car had be fucking broken into, and now needed to be repaired and re-painted because whomever tried to break in broke fucking pieced off my car. Since this was the repair center’s fault, they issued me a rental car. The same kind of car that my Ex and his roommate and I took on a 30 hour drive each way 2 week hell trip to buttfuck nowhere south carolina to meet his mom - which is a story in and of itself that I won’t get into right now. This was the only car they had.

And that leads me up to today, April 19. My sleep schedule is fucked, my work has been kind enough to grant me the time off I needed for everything. The downside? Somehow, the choice of my termination got out, and I got a few not so nice messages from people that I work with. So that’s been fun to deal with.

So. That’s what the fuck I’ve been dealing with this quarantine season.

#covidquarantine #trigger warning - abortion #trigger warning - DUI #trigger warning - depression #trigger warning - anxiety

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imnotcameraready · 5 years

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chivalry is dead (9 [intermission 1])

A/N: HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY S O N !!!!!! we’re wrapping up this leg of chivalry in celebration !!!!!!!!

WARNINGS: cursing/swearing, a lot of self-hatred, scheming lmao — i think that's it, but please let me know if i've forgotten any!!

WORDS: 993 (its a shortie uwu)

AO3 link!

MASTERPOST!

@starlightvirgil @forrestwyrm @daflangstlairde @marshmallow-the-panda@askthesnake @k9cat @patromlogil

enjoy <3 <3 <3 and enjoy the roman screenshots i’m using as line breaks

“I don't want to say I'm too cool....But I'm just too sad for you fools...And I feel like you don't get me...”

“Shut up with that stupid song. How long has it been?”

“Only a day. Long enough for the boss man to feel it.”

“Son of a bitch. What the hell’re we going to do?”

“....”

“Hey! Hey, answer me, Roman, you stupid fucking moron, what the hell should we do?”

“I’m thinking. And I thought we weren’t using names, Roman.”

“Oh, fuck off with that! We need to speed this up. Ignore the Sides, just start hunting the others!”

“You’ll be upset if you don’t see the Sides.”

“SO I would be devastated, but if this all takes too long, I–We can’t hurt Thomas. You don’t want me to.”

“....We can invite everyone here. Stage a big event, bring all the others under one roof. You’re going to need bait to make all the Sides and all the others agree but that’s probably the fastest way to guarantee attendance. Make it a ball or something.”

“I’ve got you.”

“You think they care about me? Dragon. You know better.”

“Fine. Who do you have in mind?”

“Child.”

“Wow.”

“If they’ve met him, then they probably love him. The others would all come. The Sides wouldn’t let any of the others come alone. It’s….it makes sense.”

“You’re ready to off Child? Is having me around affecting your thought process, my Creative Captive, or are you finally ready to continue this game of cat and mouse?”

“Shut up. I just want this over. Thomas needs us in one piece, whatever that piece looks like.”

“It’s going to be a beautiful piece. The other sides are going to adore me.”

“You mispronounced abhor.”

“Fuck off. I’m going to sleep. Don’t keep us up.”

“Of course, your Heinous.”

Thomas drummed his fingers on the computer’s keyboard, humming along to the song he was listening to. He’d been in a Disney mood lately, so he was listening to the second compilation, and had let intuition lead him in his humming and whistling and occasional singing.

The big downside, though, was that he couldn’t actually think of any good ideas. Scratch that — he hadn’t had ANY ideas.

He had gone on two walks, driven around the city, sat in the park and pondered life, and he still had absolutely no idea what he wanted to do for his next anything. In theory, he was planning for the next Sanders Sides episode. Well, in ultra-theory, he was editing the next Sanders Sides episode’s script, but you can’t edit a script that wasn’t written yet! In practice, he’d been scrolling through Twitter for the past few hours. Tumblr for a nondescript number of hours before that, with a break at around 11 for lunch and 6 for dinner. He just stared at the blank page for a few minutes, then flicked over to another tab to procrastinate.

Thomas didn’t even think anything of it until he glanced at the corner of his computer and saw that it was fifteen past two a.m.

That couldn’t be right. Thomas squinted at his computer, then at the window.

It was dark. Not a sunset-soon dark, but a its-the-middle-of-the-night dark.

Goodness gracious, how had he wasted the entire day without noticing. He closed the blank document tab with a sigh.

Then he moved his leg off of the table.

Pain shot through the appendage, stiff and frozen as a board. Thomas groaned, slouching further into the couch while he waited for the pins and needles feeling wear off. Yikes. He hadn’t even noticed.

Perhaps. He could just sleep here.

He squinted. That sure as hell was an option, and it wouldn’t be the first time. Why not?

….No. No, if he did nothing else of merit today, then he should at least put himself to sleep in his own bed. Right?

Thomas looked around his living room, as though expecting validation from someone that this was the correct decision, and found none. Of course he’d find none, though. Wasn’t like there were more people in his apartment.

He closed his laptop as soon as the screen blackened, setting it aside and sitting upright. Slowly, he stretched his arms upward, hissing through his teeth. It was just an off-day — tomorrow would be better. He had actual plans. Sure, it was just dinner with some friends, but still. Plans.

Either way, they weren’t due to start filming the next Sides’ episode until Monday, so he had a few days to get out of this funk, whatever it was.

Oh my God. The Sides. That’s probably why he instinctually looked up, how did he forget that the Sides existed.

You’re just tired, Sanders. C’mon, upsy daisy.

Thomas picked up the laptop and stood, starting for the stairway. His nightly routine was reflex enough that he sped through it. Finally, he set his laptop down on his bedside table and rolled over, elongated phone cord pulling with him.

He couldn’t deny that he felt a little incomplete. Like something was holding back his ability to process things, to think clearly and quickly. It reminded him of those song edits on Tumblr, where the song was played behind a wall. Hopefully it’d pass on its own. If it didn’t, though, then he might have to call up the Sides and ask.

Why didn’t he just do that now?

Thomas frowned at his phone. It may be night, but if he was awake, it was likely some of them were awake too. Wouldn’t that be the most logical thing to do?

Probably? He couldn’t tell.

And he didn’t really want to….

And that settled it, he guessed. He set an alarm for 7 a.m. and put his phone on the table. He resolved, internally, to call on the Sides tomorrow morning and ask if there was anything wrong. Hopefully they’d have an answer.

#chivalry au #fic #my fic #roman #thomas #thomas sanders #roman sanders #ts roman #ts thomas #sanders sides #ts fanfic #im going to use screenshots of roman as linebreaks from now on #they provide. a good atmosphere #and now you all have to look at roman more often #nyeheheheheheee

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imaginexwwe · 6 years

Text

His Other Family 1|5 - ROMAN REIGNS

Another old unfinished writing I found on my other tumblr

•

Married man Roman Reigns has been keeping a big secret from his family and my friends, the fact that he has another child by someone else and she's tired of being kept in the dark

•

HE'S NOT MARRIED TO GALINA AND JOJO WILL NOT BE MENTIONED IN THIS BECAUSE I LOVE THEM TOO MUCH TO EVEN PRETEND THIS IS THEIR LIFE LOL SO YEAH HIS WIFE AND DAUGHTER WILL BE RANDOM NAMES

•

He was mines first, I thought to myself with a scowl on my face as I re-watched the short Instagram video of Roman Reigns wishing his wife an early Valentine's day.

It's funny he can sit there, going on and on about her and how they met but when it comes to me, nothing

Not that I'm ever expecting a public show of affection like that from Roman.

Hell, I don't even expect to get a simple 'happy birthday', or a I' miss you' text from him.

No, he saves them for our son.

The son he barely sees because he's too busy playing the loving husband and father with his real family.

I swear, Jace is the only thing that keeps me from regretting that weekend I spent with him almost three years ago.

That weekend he brought back so many old feelings, I had successfully buried after we said our goodbyes to eachother right before I moved away after high school.

It only took him a few hours before I was wanting him again, ready to jump back to the place we were when we were seventeen.

But that was my mistake.

Thinking we could go back to the way we were when we were living completely different lives, him a married man with a daughter, and me engaged to a man I had shamelessly said yes to after only eight months.

My love for him blinded me so much that I became the woman I hate.

The one that helps a married man cheat on his wife, thinking that even though he's cheating, he said he wasn't happy, was on the brink of divorce, believes him only to become what's known as a side chick.

Or as I like to call it, the other woman.

But if you think about it, with every mistake I've made being with him, Roman did save me from that because if it was that easy for me to give myself to another man in only a few hours, how much could I really have loved him?

I think I just desperately wanted someone to love or someone who could distract me from the love I felt for Roman.

I just hate I fell for that classic line of Roman telling me he wasn't happy with his marriage anymore and was going to divorce his wife then him and I could pick up where we left off for real, and be happy again.

But it's been two years and still no divorce, and still no me and him, at least not in the way I was lead to believe that weekend.

All he's been doing was avoiding me and popping up at my house at the most unexpected times.

And Jace has been asking about his daddy, so I thought, why not take him to see his daddy?

No, I'm not going to do some crazy, ex girlfriend, mother of your child shit like show up at his doorstep demanding he come out and acknowledge his son or anything like that.

But I am going to use the fact that Monday Night Raw is being held in my city tonight as an opportunity for Jace to spend some time with him.

"Mommy's lil man, ready?" I asked, dropping my iPad to my side before getting up from the sofa and going over to him. "You look ready." I answered for him with a giggle, after noticing his Roman Reigns shirt.

"I tried to talk him into wearing another shirt, but you know how Jace is once he sets his mind to something." My best guy friend, Mikey said with a laugh, trying to mask over the bitterness in his words.

Mikey or Michael has never really been a big fan of me and Roman, especially not with everything that's happened over the last two years, always taking digs at him whenever he got the chance.

"He looks up to his daddy," I said with a smile as I pulled my son into me, my eyes focused on Mikey. "Nothing wrong with that, right?"

"It kinda is when his daddy's barely around." He replied, making me roll my eyes.

Ignoring Mikey's comment about Roman even though I knew that half of what he was saying and had always said was the truth, I turned my attention back to my two year old with a smile. "C'mon." I said taking his smaller hand in mines and leading him out the door.

•

Towards the end of the show Roman's theme hit and no lie, a smile bigger the Jace's spread across my face.

Tonight would be the first time that I've ever actually seen him in the ring live.

One of the downsides of being the other woman.

Not being able to have the perks that his wife has like getting to sit ringside, watching him in some of the biggest matches in his career.

Being able to publicly cheer for him when so many others are booing.

Reaching out a hand to him, when he needs that little bit of motivation.

I haven't got to experience any of that, and probably still won't tonight, because I'm more than sure Roman's not going to be happy to see the two of us.

But seeing him in this moment was a good enough start for me.

•

After what seemed like hours, Roman and my eyes finally locked, as he was getting up after being knocked out of the ring.

Surprise was in his, while mines was a mix of many emotions.

"Daddy." I heard Jace's small voice yell out, as he wiggled in my arms, wanting nothing more than to touch him.

Roman's eyes widened slightly as he glanced around, I'm guessing to see if people could have heard Jace's little outburst.

With two little arms outstretched to him, Roman turned his back to us, sliding back into the ring right before the referee reached the ten count.

That was fucked up Roman

"Daddy's going to see you after the show." I mumbled, my lips going in to give my son a quick peck on his head.

I just really wanted to end what Roman's actions could have started.

•

"What the hell are you doing here?" Roman's deep voice roared through my ears, as he tried his best to keep his words low so that Jace and any possible passerby in the parking lot won't hear.

I shrugged, an unintentional smirk coming into play. "Our son missed you," I said, kneeling down and giving Jace a gentle push over to Roman. "So I thought why not bring him to his first live show to see his daddy."

"He shouldn't be here," Roman quickly replied before adding. "He's two years old, and shouldn't be around all this noise. Can't you think like a mom for once?"

Can't you think like his dad and not act like he doesn't exist for once?

"Oh, that's the reason you ignored him during your match?" I questioned back with an unamused laugh. "Why you couldn't give him a simple touch?"

"I didn't know if someone heard what he had called me, so I couldn't risk it, Y|N," He snapped back at me with a glare. "My wife and little girl was in the audience a few feet away from you," He spoke up again, before adding. "What if they had noticed something?"

A sarcastic gasp escaped my lips as I picked up Jace. "I thought that was Whitney and Jessica," I said laughing, taking my eyes off Roman, lowering them to the two year old in my arms. "You wanna go pay your big sister a visit, man?" I asked him, knowing he didn't hardly understand me.

"Y|N, go home."

"What if I'm not ready to go home, babe?" I asked, biting down on my lip as I reached out letting my finger trace an imaginary line down Roman's chest, stopping at his pants. "What if I just wanna stay out here with you and our son a little longer."

"I don't want you here." Roman said, his jaw clenched.

There it was

Words I've been waiting for him to say

Took him long enough

"You're finally saying how you feel," I replied, all hints of sarcasm now leaving my voice as his words started to pull at my heart strings. "Not that I needed you to," I added shifting Jace from one hip, to the other. "Your actions these couple of years told me everything."

"If they told you what you needed to know, why still come around?"

"For Jace," I shouted, my vision getting cloudy with tears. "I just want him to get the love Jessica gets."

Roman rolled his eyes, before replying. "You know I love my son, he shoul-"

"He shouldn't know anything, he's two," I said taking the words out of Roman's mouth. "All he's learning is that his dad isn't around and I get you have this glamorous life and career that keeps you away but you could still come around more than you do, when you have those days off because he misses you more than you realize."

I miss you, more than you realize

"You know why I can't right now, Y|N." Roman replied, sounding more frustrated than he was minutes ago.

"Yeah, because we're the family you're ashamed off."

I watched as Roman quickly shook his head. "I'm not ashamed of either one of you," He said almost sounding sincere. "I'm just in s complicated situation and you knew that before any of this happened."

"No I didn't know, Roman." I half yelled. "You said you weren't happy, that you were about to tell her you want a divorce and that me and you would be together."

"And I said I needed some time." He spoke, glancing down at the ground.

"Time as in months, not years."

Roman nodded, his eyes still locked on the ground. "I meant that, and I was ready to go through with the divorce but she got pregnant and I couldn't do it, then she lost the baby and I couldn't leave."

This time I nodded, a few tears falling now. "So you just planned on continuing your lies, telling me what I want to hear?" I brought my hand up to wipe at my fallen tears, hearing all of this for the first time. "Coming here was a mistake," I mumbled as he looked back up to me. "As much as i hate to say it, being with you that weekend and believing your lies were the biggest mistake though. You just wanted me for a few days while it was me who wanted you for a lifetime."

"I know you don't mean that," Roman called out as I walked away. "Just like you know that I do love you and I do want to be a real family with you and our son."

"You're just telling more lies, Roman."

I shouldn't have answered that call three years ago

He doesn't give me anything, not a happy Valentine's Day, not a Happy Mother's Day, nothing to prove to me that he cares about me, so why is it so hard for me not to care for him?

•

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thriceshyseraphim · 2 years

Text

I haven’t done a personal post in a while.

Brace yourselves. Tl;dr - it’s been a year, started a new degree, got a new job, and only one of those believe I’ve had CoVid twice and I’m very very tired.

Okay. So. Where did I leave off?

Let’s start with my year of unemployment. After my last personal post I did get fired, and it was one of the best things that could have happened. Getting unemployment and social services was a slow process, but once it came through I got a few months to breathe and recover from a decade in a career that nearly broke me

I taught summer school, went to see my family - my dad is sick. Like. Very sick and not getting better as quickly as we’d hoped. But I got to see him, and all my littles. It was amazing, and I’m going back soon after nearly a year.

Then summer ended and classes began. I’m working on my second masters (such a 30something cliche) in social work, hoping to take my experiences in education and use social work to find and fill gaps in the system. The first semester I had 4 classes and was full time, and I loved it. But the tuition fees are high, and I needed income to pay bills. Internship started in January, and I had to go part time just to have enough hours in the day.

Then. Then I got a text from a friend at an old network, and that text led to a job where I could teach small groups of students and fulfill my internship requirements. I had concerns about being in a school, but the concerns about my empty bank account were bigger.

So I took the job. Started in late December, got my foothold.. and then right before winter break I was sick and miserable. Omicron got me. Fortunately I was vaxxed, so it was fairly mild. Like a bad flu. I didn’t know it was covid until we were back in school and my test popped positive. I had to quarantine for a week and spent it with a blinding headache that kept me in bed.

This was the beginning of my issues. A few weeks after we’d been back I ate something bad or picked up something at school and had terrible food poisoning for a week, the week of my birthday no less! Already I’m racking up days out, but vomiting and fever are my 2 health issues that will keep me home. Especially since ITS A FUCKING PANDEMIC.

I go back to work after break, having attempted to go home and after a truly spectacularly awful attempt to get home to NC (2 airports, 4 buses, 1 cab, 5 rental car agencies, and 13 hours of nonstop movement) wound up spending my break in bed trying to recover. I felt pretty good when I went back that Monday, but not stellar.

And the next week was a new schedule. I got 3 pleasure reading classes that have had no structure or support, 2 inclusion classes, and I still have 6 kids that i need to see (plus paperwork and planning and prep) and I did all the things to the letter. For one day. I wasn’t feeling the best, but I pushed through and dealt with the annoying kids and the class I didn’t want. I dealt with it and then went home. Monday night I did some housework before crashing early.

Tuesday morning I wake up with a fever. It’s also midterms week. And testing at school. So I take my temp and it’s way high for me, so I call out thinking a day or two at most and I’d be fine.

I started feeling mostly normal on FRIDAY. I saw a doctor Thursday, and she told me on Sunday to take a covid test again and if it was negative I could return to work/class cause Yknow PANDEMIC. So I did thinking the test would be negative and I could go back to work.

Nope. No dice. Positive test. Fuck. I of course texted work, showed them the test and had a note from a doctor confirming my diagnosis. The doctor was super nice, and Fordham has been really good to me. Upside was I got more time to genuinely recover, downside I took a few days without pay. But I kept tutoring and did my midterms while having a 100 degree fever, and then after I focused on self care and trying to heal my body. I even made an appt with an primary care doc to get myself checked out so if I am sick or need to do something not to get sick, because I know being sick 3 times in 3 months is a lot.

Then today. I go in for the first time, I still get tired really easily and had to take some breaks, but I could tell my work friend, who got me the job and did a lot of the coverage, was upset with me. I tried acting normal because I didn’t think I’d done anything wrong, and then at the end of the day she sits me down and starts with “what the fuck”.

She accused me of faking the covid test. Of lying about being sick. She framed it as a friend, and how her trust has been broken because she saw the rest and there was marker on it - like I’d drawn on it with marker to fake it. That was insulting. Then when I explained that it was a weird bleed from the test, she said it’s just a little unbelievable that I would get covid despite having all the vaccines.

Look. The doctor told me I was the third person THAT DAY who had CoVid a second time within 4 months. Then I see a report about a new variant. So sure, unbelievable. Sure. (I was pissed but I avoided pettiness. Celebrate me$

I didn’t really answer. Not even when she said she needs space and told me to leave the workspace for a while and work in the teacher office. I told her I wasn’t a liar, and I moved my stuff.

I was really excited to come back to this network, and work with my friend. But if she thinks such things I wonder if I made a mistake.

I’m talking to the principal on Monday about my class load, and I hope she won’t have the same accusations. I’m trying to give my friend some grace, she was stressed and I was the cause of a chunk. But accusing me of faking kicked up a lot of anxiety and worry, and this time I didn’t do anything dumb like last time at my old school. I can’t help getting sick. Isolation for a year, what did I expect??

So anyway. She told me to move my desk and that we can’t be friends right now, which hurt me a lot. I’ve lost friends before for things I didn’t do or things I did do, but it never gets easier. And now I have to be around the bitches I work with and don’t particularly like. Maybe I made a mistake coming back. Maybe I should have stuck with the tutoring gigs and never gone near a school building.

But I want to be a school social worker. I want to make schools better, which requires being in schools. And this network is a good place, my friend a good coworker and boss. But the assumption hurt. The fact that she felt like she had to apologize for my absence to others, the fact that she reminded me of ho she took a risk bringing me in… I’m trying to remind myself that she wasn’t her best self today, and I can do my job without my friend.

But it feels a lot lonelier than it did a couple of days ago. And I know I need to talk to my friend, but I… mostly don’t want to. The really petty part of me wants to find a new job and fuck off… but I don’t think I’m that cold. And I wouldn’t do that to my friend. Even if she hurt me, I don’t like leaving her in a bind.

First day back was horrible. No surprise. Maybe time to shift my energy to the stuff I really want to do with my life. After all, I’m getting older and my energy and resilience are lessening. I just… I want to be left alone. Until I’m ready to see people again.

Oh and in dating news, I met this amazing Physics PhD student back in January, and he was fun. Aside from the long distance girlfriend and the fact that he moved to Boston in August. I need to get back in the saddle, my therapist has been very clear about that. Maybe I’ll make dating my stress relief hobby. Could be fun.

2022 is off to a rough start. My birthday passed and I barely noticed, and being 33 feels like a constant battle to stand with myself and the desire to be the best at everything right this second. I just… I need this decade to ease up. I am exhausted from everything the last 2-3 years, and I just want a nap. And to not be the friend who people think would fake sick.

I’ll talk to her eventually about it. But right now… fuck everything.

#jess is narcissistic #talking talking talking #my life is a pain in the ass

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