#or a billy idol impersonator

[whyisstarkidfollowingmeshoo]

Guys, forget about Professor Hidgens in Workin Boys. Heck! Forget about Aladdin or Sweet Tooth. Even General MacNamara, he's just an effing eagle!

Jeff Blim peaked in hotness back in 2008 as Billy Idol 😂🤭😉

[lynzishell]

The Past 💛 Atlas

I’ve finally reached a point where I can sit down and do some work on Ash’s game on my own. It took a lot longer than I thought it would. Not only because his workflow is incredibly chaotic, but also his design is incredibly complex, far more complex than anything we work on at Rainy Day, but it’s fun to feel challenged again.

I’ve spent every night this week in Ash’s living room while he walks me through everything he has so far, sorting out the design and the mechanics, his ideas for the worlds, characters, storylines, objectives, and so on. Yet, it feels like we’ve only scratched the surface.

We work well together, but we’re also easily distracted, often going off on random tangents and talking about everything from our families to school years and childhood friends to experiences we’ve had or want to have; we talk about how fun it would be to have our own indie gaming company one day, if only we could focus on the actual game for longer than an hour at a time.

Last night a song came on that inspired a whole conversation about music and all the songs we used to sing the wrong lyrics to, and some he still sings wrong just to annoy Lex. We started playing a game where we’d give each other a random word or category and the other would have to play a song they liked that fit. At one point I asked him what his guilty pleasure song is.

“Oh, I have dozens of those,” he said, “uh, but the first one that comes to mind is The Boys of Summer.”

“Your guilty pleasure song is an 80’s song?” I was shocked considering the amount of shit he gives me for the majority of my playlist.

“No no no no,” he shook his head, “I should clarify. The original sucks.”

“Of course you think so.”

“Obviously. Okay, but the one I’m talking about is the cover of The Boys of Summer by The Ataris.

“I like the name, but I have no idea who that is,” I admitted.

He laughed as he pulled up the song and told me, “You’re either going to love this or hate it. I’m not sure which.” When he pressed play, all I could do was watch in awe as he shamelessly enjoyed the song, complete with hand motions, air guitar and lip syncing. At one point he leaned in and sang directly to me, “But I don’t understand what happened to our love. But baby when I get you back, I’m gonna show you what I’m made of!” And then he spun away and started dancing to the chorus.  

Before I had a chance to think too hard about whether he was trying to tell me something through the lyrics, he pulled me off the couch to join him. We sang and danced with everything we had until we collapsed onto the couch, out of breath and wiping tears from our eyes.

When we finally calmed down, he pointed at me, “Your turn. What’s your guilty pleasure song?”

“Oh god,” I covered my face, “I can’t believe I’m going to tell you this.”

“Tell me.” He demanded.

“Dancing With Myself by Generation X. I can’t hear it and not sing and dance around my apartment like an idiot.”

“Oh, I have got to see this!” He sat up excitedly to find the song and turn it on… and then cheered when I began clapping my hands to the beat… and then completely lost it and fell over laughing when I sang along with my eerily accurate Billy Idol impersonation.

It’s become one of my favorite things, making him laugh. He has about a dozen different laughs from a rush of air through his teeth, to an infectious giggle, to a loud belly laugh… but my favorite is when he’s laughing so hard that no sound comes out aside from a series of clicks until he finally catches his breath.

It’s so easy with him, to get out of my head, to just relax and be myself.

Not everything is easy, though. I keep telling myself that eventually my feelings will fade, that it will get easier to just be his friend and nothing more, but if anything, it’s getting more difficult. Sometimes when we’re together, all I can think about is sliding my hand over to rest it on his leg, or to pick up his hand and interlace our fingers, or to reach up and hold his face, turning it toward me so I can kiss him. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about kissing him, his lips, his neck, that inch skin above his waistband that sometimes shows when his shirt rides up just enough, every part of him. Sometimes I let my eye contact linger just a little, desperate for him to give me a sign that he still feels the same way, but he never does. On some level, I’m grateful. It’s better this way. I’d only end up hurting him again.

I hear the front door open and close, bringing me out of my daydream and back to my computer screen. I look over what I’ve done so far to make sure I didn’t screw anything up while I drifted away.

A second later, I hear Dawn enter the room and flop onto my bed behind me and I glance at the clock, it’s only two.

“What are you doing here?” I ask.

“Finished early. What are you doing? I thought you weren’t working on Fridays anymore.”

“I’m not. It’s just a side project I’m working on with Ash.”

“Ooooh I see.”

I roll my eyes and change the subject before she can inquire further. “So, why are you on my bed? What do you want?” As I say the words, I’m overcome by the feeling that we’ve done this before.

“For you to take a break and go do something with me." I'm antsy. "I’m antsy.” Her words come out like an echo from my own mind and my whole body feels fuzzy for a moment.

“Have we had this conversation before?”

“No. I don’t think so.”

“Hm. I’m having the weirdest déjà vu.”

“Maybe you’ve been staring at that screen too long. We should get out and do something.”

“What do you have in mind?”

I’m open to suggestions. “I’m open to suggestions.”

Weird. This conversation, the song playing through my speaker, Dawn laying on my bed, me at my computer… everything feels so familiar. “Where’s your boyfriend? Why aren’t you dragging him out?” Even as I ask the question, I know I’ve asked it before.

“He’s busy…” Having coffee with his ex-girlfriend. “Having coffee with his ex-girlfriend.”

Okay, I clearly need some fresh air, and she clearly needs my support right now, so I save my work, lock my computer, and spin around to face her. “Oh, that’s why you’re antsy. Okay, I can take a break, but let’s go outside. We can go for a jog, that’ll get your energy out.”

“Fine, I’ll go change.”

Prev // Deja vu // Next

[beepbeeprobotlovesong]

Husband and I have been doing a Buffy rewatch, a show I fell in love with while it aired as an impressionable teen. Just finished "Doomed" in Season 4. All men-interested teen girls who watched Buffy know this episode also as How Spike Got His Groove Back. Husband turns to me after the ep and says, in all seriousness, "I think I've convinced you how great Spike is as a character."

I just about laughed him out of the room. Nearly ended our marriage. My brother in christ I was watching James Marsters do his best Billy Idol impersonation while charming the show runner into keeping his character alive as a teen girl attracted to his gender, literally how do I even respond to this. There is no nice way to say "I have been worried about making you feel insecure about my disgustingly aggressive boner for William the Bloody so I have simply not made any comments about Spike to avoid you noticing me staring heart-eyes-shaped-holes in my favorite problematic fave"

[onedrawsoverthecuckoosnest]

Buffy, the vampire slayer: Bad eggs - It’s Buffy Tuesday and we are halfway through season 2 of, you guessed it, Buffy… crazy I know! We have encountered Billy Idol impersonators, a Frankenstein that lives in a cigarette stained basement, a Mummy, a giant penis metaphor, a sarcastic Englishman who casts spooky spells, a teen dying of brain cancer looking for anyway out of death, an icon named Eygon, a robot and a brand new slayer named Kendra! Are you exhausted? Good, so am I and you will remain exhausted because this week Buffy goes up against her greatest foe yet: Eggs! That’s right, but not just any egg, this is the egg of a Bozo (at least I think that’s what it’s called) a giant brain looking thing with an eyeball and tentacles that lives under the school… to make matters worse two Trump supporters show up in Sunnydale wanting to bash Buffy, she literally doesn’t have time for them as she’s more concerned about the previously mentioned giant brain that’s living under the school laying eggs that look exactly like chicken eggs to make all the humans do its bidding… are you following me? By the way, what came first, The Bozo or the chicken egg? 🤔 Meanwhile Buffy can’t stop making out with Angel, her lips are pretty much super glued to his and his to hers, it’s the perfect time to talk about sexual education at Sunnydale High… high by name, high by trade. The metaphor seems to be about the consequences of sex… but I’m not entirely sure, when I lost my virginity I don’t recall being possessed by a chicken egg before trying to dig up Mother Bozo, but I also have a shocking memory. Also, work Mumma Bozo, yes queen, fierce 🔥. In the end Mumma Bozo tries to eat Buffy, I think to spare her from having to fight those two dumbass vampires, but Buffy takes a pick axe into Mumma’s mouth and slashes her way back out. Perhaps the writers could come up with an evening for Buffy that doesn’t involve her being chained up in a fraternity basement or eaten and covered in demon slime… maybe she could have one night at a Wendy’s with her pals, she would definitely get the chicken nuggets… unless those nuggets are the meat from inside these eggs… Mumma Bozo’s eggs!!!! I need to have a nap.

[prose-for-hire]

Claimed

Part One // Part Two

Pairing: Angel x vamp!reader

Request: as promised I'd like to request a part 3 to So wrong it’s right/Natural attraction

[Desc: Third part. An old friend of Angel’s comes to town and makes him wonder where your affection truly lies]

Requested by: Anon

Warning: Swearing. Implied sex/sex reference. Biting. Blood. A little violence.

You let me handle the plot so, as always, things got carried away. The timeframe moving from the previous part is either a while later or diverges a little from the show depending on where your imagination wants to take you. 🖤💖

You were slumped on the sofa in front of yet another re-run. So, incredibly bored. As if the lack of his presence had made life unbearably boring. When he was around he made you feel alive. Made you excited - as if you wanted to be someone he could hold affection for.

But all of this embarrassing hope had been dashed. You hadn’t seen him in so long, you only had the delicious memories of your last stolen moments with him.

But without him, the colour had been sucked out of the world again. It was so bleak that you were stuck inside moping over him hopelessly. God, when had you gotten this way?

It had been too long. You missed him so badly you ached. Yearned in this guilty way to be even just in his presence. This wasn’t just lust anymore. The excitement of sex or trading blows with him. Somewhere inside you knew that it was all of him that you wanted. Craved.

Mind, body and even that stupid soul of his.

He had crawled into your dead heart. Made a home there. Leaving you suddenly full of life. Wanting to be more. It still irritated you, at how much influence he now held over you. But you couldn’t fight it. Didn’t want to anymore.

But he had been away recently. Dropped you as soon as he heard some Slayer was in trouble. He had been away in some ugly little town called Sunnydale. She needed his help. You soon learned from Angel’s team this Slayer was his ex. 

You dropped in on them every so often now to check in when you were bored and thought you might as well help them save the world or whatever. You were fun to be around, you didn’t hold back and they couldn’t help but like your company. So you stuck around them, enjoying the feeling of having something close to a group of friends. 

It was new to you, but you secretly enjoyed it. You spent a lot of time sharing your knowledge and trying to make their lives easier. Something you wouldn’t have even considered doing. Not before him.

But he had left you sorely lacking ever since he skipped town without so much as a word. You had really hoped that he might tell you himself, not get Wes to pass on some vague message about his ‘weekend plans’. 

The television buzzed soullessly as you stared through it. The only vision you wanted to see being him. And you were just sat there. Not even having the heart (or the attention span) to open a book. All you could think of was him. You were so bored. You were even considering masturbating for the millionth time to distract you from the way you needed him.

You started to move as if to do just that, when there was a massive thud at the door. Someone was knocking pretty urgently.

Shit. Debt collectors. You owed a lot of people a lot of kittens. You muted the tv and stumbled over your feet in the opposite direction from the door. You decided for everyone’s sake it would be better if you disappeared. Pretended not to be in.

You were almost panicking a little, not really sure if you had the mental or physical strength at the moment to take on a fight. So you did something too embarrassing to even describe properly. You rolled under your bed. Hid.

After some more urgent knocking, whoever it was got bored of waiting and just kicked the door in. As you had been expecting. You were hoping whoever it was looking for you was either too stupid to check under the bed for you or thought better of you than to even consider looking there.

The door was broken clean off its hinges. And you stayed still. Hearing two pairs of footprints stomping through your home. You were considering sliding out the window and onto the ledge while they looked around your living room. But then you heard something.

“Y/n?” His voice sounded urgent. Your chest swelled at the sound of his voice. Angel.

You rolled your eyes though. At what you were doing. God this was embarrassing. It was either stay hidden and risk not getting to see him or admit you had just hidden under a bed like some soon-to-be-dead loser in a shitty horror flick.

You decided you would just have to bear it. You rolled from under the best giving him the best scowl you could muster (you couldn’t help smiling a little at seeing him again).

He had the decency not to say anything about you rolling out from under the bed, although he had to hold back a small smile about it. He would tease you later, he was sure. Hopefully if there was a later he thought to himself.

“Funny how a weekend trip can last the full fourteen days now, isn’t it?” You hinted. You had missed him. You wanted him. He had left you longing.

“Look, it’s a Hellmouth stuff happened-”

“Too bloody right-” Someone else spoke up but you cut the stranger off. You hadn’t noticed him at first, your eyes only on Angel.

“Who the fuck is this?”

“Look, he’s-”

“And why the fuck is he just stalking through my house like he owns it?” You snapped, snatching a rare book of yours back from his hands.

The pair shared a look at your outburst as if you were the unreasonable one. You smelled it then. They both had souls. You eyed them both, not sure how you had found yourself the only sane, normal vampire in a thirty-mile radius.

“Name’s Spike” he offered and you squinted, recognising the name.

“Oh. Old flame right? Did you go through every ex’s town on your way back from Sunnydale or just the ones you thought were attractive enough to make me jealous?”

“Spike is not an old-”

“One time! It was one-!”

“Well, that hit a nerve” You muttered, rolling your eyes. Great. You had more competition for Angel’s affection. And God, did you want all of his affection laid on you. You wanted him so badly that it almost made you throb with need just from this brief interaction.

You were just staring now as he spoke. The way his eyes glistened in the dim light. His features chiselled as if made just for you. He made you feel things you weren’t sure you could even name. Some long-forgotten emotion that made your chest swell and your stomach feel like there were baby bats in there.

“I thought you said they were a help. Fat lot of good this one is considering their fourth wank of the day in front of bloody Time Team” You snapped out of your Angel-induced daze to scowl once again at the blonde man and his, unfortunately, accurate depiction of the way you were currently living.

They turned conversation quickly to try to convince you that you were needed. There was yet another plot to take over LA. Someone had informed them on the Hellmouth. To reverse it, they needed three vampires, ones that have enough good in them. No human could stand the pain of it. Angel insisted the third one is you. 

He had faith in you. In some way, it made you fill with pride. But, again, this wasn’t your life. You had never wanted to save the world. He mentioned that there was a ritual you could do to check, to at least prove him right and to begin the reversal of this apocalypse was needed.

“And tell me again why I would want to go through all that pain rather than, say, relocate?” You muttered, already knowing you would agree. For him.

“Y’know... because you’re good now, right?” Even as he said it, Angel knew these were the wrong words to use. You scoffed at him. You had never claimed this. You just liked the company of the team. Enjoyed a good fight. Enjoyed… the proximity with him.

“I’m okay, thanks. Don’t care. Sorry. Don’t let the door hit you on your way out”

“Listen here, pet-” The other vampire appealed to you. Which was also the wrong move.

“Why is this Billy Idol impersonator talking to me? Is it a joke I’m too cool to understand?”

“Oi- look here-”

You didn’t speak this time, you just went to punch the man in the face. But Angel caught you before either of you reacted. Wrapped a strong hand around your wrist. Kept it there.

His grip tightening in a way that made you smirk. You had missed this. God, you had really missed this. He lowered your hand, his still firmly grasping your wrist. And you just stared at him as he did. Hoping he would lean in and catch your lips again. Tear the fabric of the walls apart just with a look.

“Enough” He warned. Touch lingering as his eyes did on your form.

You would let him wreck the house if you thought it meant you could have him pressed against you again even for a second. He was dangerous to you and you loved it. He, on the other hand was still more cautious of the way you navigated your relationship. Of how he showed just what you meant to him.

He thought about you all the time. More so, while he was away. He was addicted to you. The way you moved, spoke. Held yourself. Had such entrenched opinions and he might even deign to say morals (loosely, of course).

He thought more of you than he had ever done before. Dreamt about you. Thought about what you could be doing, wanting to know what you were thinking. What made you tick. He held on to every intimate detail he could discover.

Remembered it in such crystal clarity. Because it was you.

He decided to get you on side, he would appeal to the more logical side of you. Which, surprisingly, worked. He managed to convince you to put your un-life on the line. Because it would help your new sort-of friends. To save Fred and the others, you could try it.

You finally relented. You almost didn’t so soon, hoping that he might descend to fighting you over it. Some contact with your skin. It was needed after so long. You nodded though and they nodded and you started for the door. Stepping over it as you left.

“What a bloody delight” Spike murmured so that you could hear it.

“Can it, Blondie” You hissed as you strode behind them, your usual confidence evident to all around.

Angel side-glanced at you, a small smile tugging at his lips at seeing you again. Even if all of your barbs were being thrown Spike’s way. It was so good to see you.

Angel had never been so sure that he wanted you around. Permanently. He just wasn’t entirely sure how to admit this. To himself or you. You always left him wanting more. That demon part of you matched his. The demons had claimed the other long before either of you had embraced how you felt. 

Neither of you had dared ask the other how they felt. What they wanted from this relationship. It may shatter the illusion you both had. That there could be a future there. That at least some of your eternity could be theirs.

You were staring blankly at a carved tablet, one that Wesley had found in connection with this stupid apocalypse you had been roped into stopping. You weren’t really reading, just skimming it. You’d catch up later, you always did. Right now, you were thinking about Angel. He was all you were ever thinking about at the moment.

“What’s that? Picture book?” A British accent asked. Spike.

“No” you said shortly. God, he was dumber than a bag of rocks. What had Angel ever seen in him? He rubbed you up the wrong way. And not in an exciting way either.

Wesley explained what it was as you had a rant in your head, just staring at the tablet.

“All that eternity and you can’t even read. What exactly do you do?” You couldn’t help it. It slipped out. He was a fly you wanted to swat away. Squish into nothingness. 

You glowered at him, but knew there was some big stupid prophecy so Spike had to stick around. You did what the powers wanted just enough to save your own skin. And, well, if you staked him God forbid, they tried to make you a champion in his place.

Angel frowned at your words. He wanted you to be talking to him. Ragging on him at how he couldn’t read them either. Wanted the charged tension that always stretched between you back. But since he had returned you had appeared more distant. Less smug about the way you rendered him simultaneously infuriated and obsessed with you.

You were laughing with the team when Spike stalked in after calling up his precious Slayer and talking loud enough to wake the dead. Or, at least wake Angel who had been trying to sleep. Instead he had joined you and the rest of the team. Your face had lit up when Angel entered the room but he hadn’t noticed. Or, you thought he hadn’t anyway.

The laughter died when he entered and he scowled. Spike had enough of you. How nobody appeared to accept him but even with your ‘evil’ nature and lack of soul these people embraced you with open arms.

“Why’s every bugger hangin’ on their every word? Hello, I’m the one with the bloody soul here”

“Because nobody likes you Spike” Angel shrugged from the doorway.

“Yeah, because having a soul makes you suddenly likeable and some all-encompassing good right? You’re kidding yourself - choices are what make us not writhing around in the sand with some dumb demon for a couple months”

Everyone had braced themselves, expecting your usual rant about not having a soul not meaning anything. That you could make good decisions. You could do what you wanted and still not be evil. But you had decided to just make a cheap shot.

“Piss off. Like you could stand it anyway”

Angel had been watching with a frown. Didn’t like the way you gave Spike such attention. He thought it was the way you used to give him attention before you began to deepen your relationship. 

He wanted you to be focusing on him. Only him. He missed you. In his bed. The way you looked contorted in pleasure. His.

When he thought about it, truly thought about it, he missed talking to you. The way you could make him laugh. Speak to him the way nobody else could. You embraced every side of him. Even the parts that he struggled to embrace himself.

He found himself almost needing that interaction. Needing you. Desperately. Not just your body but your mind too. All of you in fact. He ached for it, quivered with need. He didn’t care you lacked your soul anymore, he just needed you. Thirsted for every side of you.

You kept glancing at each other. You weren’t his partner but he really wanted you to be. He was finally able to admit it to himself. He just didn’t know how to ask. How to tell you what he wanted. He wanted it just you and him. Not to have to smell any of the particularly nasty lingering scents of lovers you had taken since he had been away.

Angel kept making snide comments about Buffy and Spike at any opportunity. This always made you scowl because he seemed so bothered by them. Spike smirked smugly. Which made you scowl even further. It was mostly to distract himself from his feelings from you. But you didn’t know this. You wanted his mind to be on you again. He hadn’t even pulled you aside during any slow moments like he usually would.

On a particularly boring day, while they were taking a break from the research that was making everyone have a headache (except you and Wesley), talk turned to Spike’s new soul. And why he had fought for one. For this Slayer.

“I think it’s romantic!” Fred cooed as you caught on to what had happened.

“For love? You got a soul for love?! That’s so cute, did it come with a complimentary heart shaped box? A dozen roses?” You cackled and Spike looked like he was about to thump you. Pretty ruthlessly too. But Angel pulled you away before he could. Apparently he was the only one allowed to berate Spike.

He took you by the shoulder and pressed you against the wall in the corridor once you were alone. You smirked, face lighting up expecting his lips on yours. Just like the last time you had been close in this way. But he just half-heartedly chastised you instead.

“Cool it off” he warned. You were disappointed with his tone, you missed the way he would excite you. Mix with anger and passion the way you had missed so badly.

“Why? Because it makes you uncomfortable? It’s foreplay for us. You know it, I know it” You plucked the nerve just to see what would happen. Making his blood boil. You saw it then. That hint of jealousy. This flicker of the demon side of him, he wanted to claim you as his.

“Whatever. Do anything you want after the case, just not here” He consciously tried to even his voice this time, hide the growl. But his chest rumbled dangerously at even the thought of you and Spike. He was clinging to his human form as the demon protested.

This is what made you tug on the nerve, near severing it. You leaned into him, so that your lips brushed his ear. Your tone seductive, one he would usually enjoy.

“Don’t be jealous, baby, I’m very good at sharing myself out. Especially while you were away-”

You were cut off by his hands tightly gripping your shoulders. Even as a vampire, you were sure you would bruise. Your stomach flipped at the fire behind his eyes. The need for you to not stray from him. He slammed you back against the door you had just left out of, near shattering the glass behind you. God, you had missed this. So badly.

You couldn’t help smirking. You were ready to take him right here. Fucking or fighting. Either one would do it for you. So long as you received his full attention. Just you and him.

He had come back so disaffected. His face mostly neutral. You thought he had barely looked at you, let alone touched you. Even in this way. You would take what you could get and savour every second of it.

You didn’t realise just how hard it was for him to be back in Sunnydale or all of the baggage he had left there (some of it that he had had to bring back as well). Dredging up his past had confirmed something to him. That he wanted you with him. Wanted you to be his. He wanted something more than what you were already doing. It scared him. Made him nervous, which is why he had kept a distance from you.

Even though it guilted him that this was selfish and something that would make him happy. Even though you were rough around the edges and morally dubious. Even though you had never expressed softer feelings of your own.

You meant something. Everything. And he couldn’t deny it now. Couldn’t begin to fight it anymore. He didn’t want to.

That was why he didn’t like you interacting with Spike. Because he felt this so strongly. That you belonged with him. Not with anybody else. But you had never labelled your relationship and he didn’t know how to even begin to tell you.

“If you’re not gonna do anything about it, let me go” You warned. Hoping he would do the opposite. He gripped tighter for a moment and you got excited but then he just let you go.

Disappointment washed over you and you frowned. You had so wanted to taste him on your tongue again. To have his body, hot with desire, pounding against yours.

As time went on, Angel began to get more and more jealous watching you and Spike interact. You began to notice it more. The way his furrow deepened whenever you glared holes in the man. Mistaking the interaction for something that excited you.

But he didn’t say anything. Barely looked at you. Which left you so sore. So needy for him.

So, you took it into your own hands. Of course, you didn’t actually speak to him about it. Oh, no. Instead, you dialled it up. Speaking to Spike much more. Making Angel so jealous he would shake. Aiming to make him want you more.

The ritual couldn’t be conducted for a few months yet, just before the steps to the scheduled apocalypse had begun. So there was a lot of waiting around and planning. However, your mind was less on that and more on how to get Angel to touch you again.

You had an idea. You gestured with your head to get the blonde vampire to come over and speak to you. The vampire was hung up on the slayer and you were hung up on Angel so neither of you had any particular interest in the other.

“Look I don’t like you, you don’t like me. But you wanna annoy Angel right?” You offered, giving him a knowing look. You weren’t stupid, Spike had an obvious and complicated past with your- the man.

“I’m listening” He squinted. And you didn’t waste any time, you whispered in his ear your suggestion.

Along with your obvious intelligence, you could be very persuasive. Near manipulative (it was how you had survived this long and gotten yourself out of many, many debts).

So, the next day you swung your plan straight into action. It wasn’t a particularly clever plan. But it was enough for you and Spike to know it could end badly wrong. Like, dust on the floor wrong should Angel be in a particularly bad mood.

You and Spike turned up to the building with his arm slung around your shoulder. You had asked to wear his jacket but he told you to sod off. So, you compromised and had him sling his arm over your shoulder told him to whisper something. Anything. Encouraging him to be as crude as possible. Implying that you had spent the previous night together.

You were speaking to the room but your eyes were on Angel the entire time. Watching the way his thoughts began to spin out of control behind his eyes. He was shaking with anger. Filling with pure jealousy. The way Spike was allowed so close to you. How he pressed against you the way he should be pressed against you. Natural touch that should be his.

He couldn’t just stand there. Watching. He just walked up to you, snatching your hand in his and dragged you from the room. If he didn’t he would have exploded then and there.

“Problem?” You asked, that infuriating tone you always used. He just directed you by the back of your head to move your ear next to his mouth.

“You’re mine” he growled and you couldn’t help the way your stomach flipped in excitement. Made you weak for him. Your eyes lit up. But you wouldn’t let him see you submit that easily.

“Prove it” You challenged. And he did just that. He pulled you into him, crashing his lips to yours. The rough embrace made your heart soar with happiness. He wanted you. He really wanted you.

As you made your way to the bed you stopped in your passion every now and again on the way. Slamming you into the walls, more furniture lost to your desire. You pushed him back onto the bed smirking down at him. He reached for you and pulled you down against him.

Lips crashing. Hands grasping. Skin slapping.

He claimed you as his. The feeling, it was shared. His eyes telling you that he was yours. He clutched you, while you grinded against his body. He made you feel alive. It was primal. This animal attraction never ceased. But this connection was deeper than anything either of you could name.

Your demon forms shifted, facing each other again. As they always did when you were together. They had missed their equal so desperately. You moved with him. As if you were one. He bit down hard, fangs embedded in your neck. You moaned in his ear and it made him bite harder still. 

Your blood tasted so good in his mouth. He hadn’t done this in so long. Hadn’t trusted anyone this way. This bond, it ran deep.

You directed his head further into you as he did this, grasping at the hair on the nape of his neck. It was pure pleasure.  Blood oozed down your chest as his mouth moved from the bite on the side of your neck. He pressed some open-mouthed kisses down your collarbone, following the trail of your blood. He licked slowly up it, catching every drop. His eyes bored into yours. Telling you what you already knew. You were made for him.

He pressed further into you, with a urgency that matched yours. He was finally embracing his demon. The way you had hoped he would for so long. You wanted all of him. To do this, you would have to give all of yourself. So, you did.

You stayed in bed together a lot longer than you usually might. You were just lying in bed together. You were on a slant, the bed had been lost to your passion. Frame splintering and collapsing. He would have to replace it. You were leaning on your side facing him. God, you had missed this. He had left you aching, empty without him.

He hadn’t so much as implied wanting to touch you like this since he had returned from Sunnydale. Just spent his time squabbling with Spike. So, this had been a needed release. Building up over so long.

“I missed this” You admitted, not quite meeting his eyes.

“Yeah?” He asked and you just nodded your reply. He found himself reaching for you, stroking your bare skin. You met his eyes, this tender touch he had never afforded to you before. It was alien but you wanted more of it.

“It was hard. Bein’ back there” He said slowly, referring to Sunnydale, “Seeing them both. Together as well, it hurt. Didn’t know what to do about it”

“Still hung up on them then?” You sighed, looking at a pull in the cotton. Twisting it in your fingers for something to do. Anything to distract from the way you had begun to hurt at the thought of him not feeling the same way as you did.

He shook his head but you didn’t see it. His hand stroking down your arm and resting on your hand. It was the most tender he had ever been. Action a lot subtle that you had ever shared. You found yourself wanting more of it.

“No. ‘Cause when I saw you again I, uh knew… knew that I’d rather be with you than anywhere else” He said slowly. He said it awkwardly, the words strung together as if they didn’t quite fit next to each other. But he meant it. He wasn’t sure if he had ever meant anything as much before in his entire life.

You didn’t know what to say to this so you just nodded. It was the best he could have hoped for. When you weren’t teasing, it was hard to reveal how you felt. You laughed though, mentioning you didn’t even like Spike anyway. You had just wanted him to pay you more attention again.

You then muttered something about not knowing what Angel had ever seen in him. Angel gave you a look but you didn’t get it (he felt that it was because you and Spike were too similar, that’s why you didn’t get on). Thankfully, he liked you a lot better than he liked Spike though.

You smiled at each other, both of you feeling even slightly more secure. You hadn’t been able to admit that you wanted to be exclusive, but you had both now implied it. Which was the best either of you could wish. You found yourself almost wanting to be his, the way he had hissed it in your ear. You couldn’t recall feeling that way before.

There it was again. That feeling that frightened you. Hope. It had crawled into your heart and only spread the longer you spent with him. An ugly thought popped into your head. One that embarrassed you immensely.

As you watched his face turn into that small smile beside you in bed. Understanding stretching between you. A glimmering hope that still frightened you more than anything else ever had. His jealousy still a delicious taste in your mouth. The wreckage of the room surrounded you but the atmosphere was almost... soft.

It was a thought he had already had himself and started to accept. You shuddered as you thought it though. Finding that maybe you truly had found your anti-soulmate. In Angel of all people.

[oceluna]

[i-dont-want-your-hysteria]

Comments On the Pyromania Track-By-Track Videos From The Vault

If you don’t want spoilers- DON’T READ ANY FURTHER!

is it just me for does Phil's beard keep getting better and better

viv's black hoodie uwu

SAVVVV DD; "I remember walking out of the studio after trying to record the bass line for Photograph and thinking '...I don't know if I can actually do this anymore...'"

Joe putting his hands on his hips actually made me fuckin squeal what is wrong with me

Rick making guitar noises with his voice makes me so fucking happy

Phil making guitar noises with his voice makes me so fucking happy

every time Joe shook his hair out of his face 👁👄👁

every time Joe put his hands on his hips 👁👄👁

Joe, who "can't STAND" cricket, apparently

*hears intro to Photograph for the first time* "wot the FUCK is that-?"

FINALLY they're talking about the little "plick" at the very beginning of Photograph it's the bEST PART OF THE WHOLE SONG

“Someone who is the ultimate ‘you can't have’” -Joe (i'm actually gonna cry pls stop you don't know how hard it is to hear YOU say that)

"hold your breath, crush your fingers, and hope we pull it off" -Phil

"big chunky chunk chunk guitars" -Joe

Too Late For Love being the first Pyromania song

VIV TYPHEROHMTRPOMTH *headbangs while putting up horns* "it's gud for THAT!" STOPP YOU’RE GETTING AS DORKY AS JOE

"most bands when they play their songs live play them too fast and they lose their sexiness" -Joe

Joe thinking that the album version of Too Late For Love is too fast and that the live version off Mirror Ball is slightly better speed even though it's about 5BPM slower

Joe referring to Steve as "Clarky"

Joe pronouncing "that" as "dat" (again)

Sav's weights visible in the background

Viv: "I'd do a solo, Phil'd do a solo, I'd do another one, Joe would get bored-"

 I THINK Joe’s wearing an earring...? It’s really hard to tell

Joe saying his as was sore for quote unquote “WEEKS” after being forced to ride a horse for a whole day while filming the Foolin video

Joe preceding to be very very salty about this

"The explosions in Foolin' burnt all the hair off my arms, almost put me in the hospital- so that's what's known as 'suffering for your art'" -Joe

Rick cracking himself up with his own impression of Billy Idol going "aREnt YoU thOSE guYS whO dO tHE soNG- FUH-FUH-FUH-FUH-FUH-FUH-FUH-FUH-FOOLIN?"

Joe making guitar noises with this voice makes me so fucking happy

Joe explaining how he came up with the chorus for Rock of Ages and then saying "I'm sorry but you couldn't make this up :3)"

joe still looks the F U C K I N G S A M E AS HE DID BACK IN '82 I STFG IT'S KINDA FREAKING ME OUT

Joe impersonating his 22/23 year old self talking to Mutt: *does a triple take* "wot about this...?"

Joe loving his vocal performance on Comin Under Fire

Finding out that the first half of the Comin Under Fire intro was written by Pete

"especially with one arm these days..." -Rick

Joe saying that Comin Under Fire is probably his favorite song off Pyromania because he's "not sick to death of it"

JOE'S VOICE GOING HIGH WHEN HE SAID "(Comin Under Fire) stays in the Vault, ya know- for now- FOR NOW :D"

“We have since worked out... we are NOT the Rolling Stones and never WILL be..." -Joe

Joe calling Move With Me Slowly "the closest we ever got to sounding like the Stones"

Joe admitting he tried to sound Cockney on Action Not Words and clearly looking embarrassed

Joe basically shitting on Action Not Words in general

I thought maybe just MAYBE Joe was gonna get through this whole set of videos without mentioning Mott- I was wrong.

[every-day-is-a-song-glee-syoc]

Could you fancast the Wedding Singer?

Yaas, my first ever show was the Wedding Singer in high school. I loved every second.

Noah Kim as Robbie Hart

Savannah Verone as Julia Sullivan

Gabby Cheeseman as Holly

Cameron Wilson as Sammy

Clyde Bronston as George

Robert Dalton as Glen Guglia

Rachel Kennedy as Angie

Mei Natana as Rosie

Scarlett Verone as Linda

Astrid Livingston as Registrar/Tina Turner Impersonator

Bea Hastings as Bride 1/Cyndi Lauper impersonator

Henry Stevenson as Groom 1/Billy Idol impersonator

Dee Miller as Garbage Man/Bartender

[mashitandsmashit]

America’s Got Talent: Season 15 - Quarter-Finals 2

Kenan Thompson was likable...I mean, of course, he's likable on SNL, I thought he was a good judge on “Bring the Funny” last year (yes, I watched that...I enjoyed it! I'm hoping for a second season, but it IS looking very uncertain...) Tonight, he seemed pretty quiet, but he still peppered in some jokes here and there to make Howie look like a straight man (COMEDIC straight man, not...ya know...) So I guess tonight, Howie was the Simon Cowell...

Also, major props to Heidi for her bravery in showing up even after her shirt got caught in the elevator door and torn all over, not even bothering to go to her dressing room to change it...That takes some real guts and an odd fashion sense, let me tell ya! (Or just the latter, I guess...)

Also, also, we got quite a few basic social distancing violations tonight...I guess people are less cautious now, but I still suggest we all tread carefully...

Okay, onto the acts...

11: Kameron Ross. That Lady Gaga song can make for a good belt, but Kameron isn't much of a belter, so it just came off as awkward and stiff...

10: Vincent Marcus. When I talked about his odds last week, there was another factor that I considered not long after I posted it, but didn't bother talking about then...That factor is that his audition was going to be a tough act to follow! His choices on what to do next looked very limited...And it REALLY showed tonight! I'm sorry, but repeating the premise of his audition just wasn't going to work! Now he's pigeonholed himself as that guy who impersonates rappers doing nursery rhymes...It worked great for his audition because he knew which rappers he was best at and what nursery rhymes he could cleverly incorporate their rap styles with...Here, he just seemed to throw everything at the wall to see what sticks, his impressions weren't as solid, and I couldn't even hear which nursery rhyme he was doing a lot of the time! The one thing he still has going for him though is his likable personality and enjoyable sense of humor...Plus he cut that silly pompadour!

9: Voices of Our City Choir. A good song choice for them, having the backing choir appear as a hologram was interesting, and that guy from the package sure knew how to William Shatner it up! Otherwise, this did little for me...I preferred their jazzy, Sade-sounding original song...Also, I miss that slam poet old lady, she was cool!

8: The Shape. The mysterious, previously unseen act with the equally mysterious name has finally revealed themselves! And they were...fun, I guess...Overall, it was another standard dance group, though they do get some points for the costumes (and the clever use of face masks).

7: Jonathan Goodwin. You know, I'm not usually the most keen observer, but even I could tell that he was basically fidgeting with the key to stall for maximum suspense...I guess turning himself into the Human Torch was an interesting spectacle, but this escape doesn't measure up to, say, Spencer Horsman...I give him props for the very real danger, but this just wasn't at the level of his JC performance...

6: Kelvin Dukes. I'd say going for upbeat and fun was the right decision for Kelvin...His singing isn't the greatest I've heard, but he does have a very likable personality that greatly benefits from the Bruno Mars approach. (I mean, he had a patch on his jacket that said “Mars”, so that should tell you plenty...) Also, I guess it serves as a nice tribute to that chick from “Glee” who was recently killed...

5: BONAVEGA. So that's what happens when Billy Idol has a lovechild with Dee Snider! He really didn't need to cover The Weeknd...Sure, that song is one of the most delightfully 80s throwbacks I've heard, but nothing beats his original songs and mad guitar skills! All said, who does he think he's kidding when he says he's bringing back the 80s!? I'd say works like “Ready Player One” and everything Finn Wolfhard stars in have been doing that just fine...While he may be a guaranteed out tomorrow, I would still love to see one last set from him as a wildcard!

4: Daneliya Tuleshova. I gotta hand it to this girl, she seems to know what she's doing! I've been feeling since the beginning that she was holding back in her audition, so that she could keep getting better with each round...She has some articulation issues, but otherwise her range is amazing! While I haven't quite joined the hundreds on the Daneliya hype train yet, I am looking forward to seeing how she does as the game progresses...She might even outlast Roberta!

3: Alexis Brownley & The Puppy Pals. There's just something I love about these precious youngsters having a fun time with their dogs set to upbeat music with these fun, colorful sets! I loved the film studio themed set and props, and we saw a few new and/or impressive tricks as well! I'm tellin' ya, little girls seem to make the best dog trainers!

2: BAD Salsa. Ever since V.Unbeatable, I have been acquiring a taste for some good ol’ Bollywood dance music! And THESE TWO need to star in a Bollywood movie together! I don't really have much to add...America may have talent, but India's Got Moves!

1: Spyros Bros. If I was an actual judge on the show right now, I would be bragging on and on about picking a good Golden Buzzer! They stepped up the tricks big time, and picked the most amazing set ever! (All that was missing was if they turned into Itchy and Scratchy and brutally assaulted each other with their giant yo-yos!) I just hope the whole pre-recorded aspect doesn't hurt their chances, because I really do think they should be in the finals!

I still had mixed opinions for quite a few acts, but I would say it was overall a step up from last week...

My Votes: Unfortunately, due to the hour-long DNC interruption (at least where I live), and my tendency to wait until the end of the show to vote, I missed my chance to vote on my TV...But I still used both my AGT app and the NBC website to throw some votes toward BAD, Spyros and Jonathan (yes, I was a bit disappointed with his performance, but I would still love to see what he does next time...)

Result Predictions: I think Daneliya and VoOCC are pretty much guaranteed for the Top 3...As for the other one, we COULD continue the tendency of all the singers making it through (as I know that even with being placed early in the line-up, getting a lukewarm reception and having an hour-long break to help voters forget about him, Kameron won't go that easily...But maybe it will at least compromise his votes...) Otherwise, I would LIKE to believe that it will go to BAD or Spyros...The latter is who I primarily hope gets it, but I'm still not entirely sure if enough was done (namely by the judges and producers) to assure that...This game can be very unfair with who gets to be the most popular...

I guess I'll do something I don't normally do, and make a ranking prediction like FrankDoc does...It will be a fair bit wishful...

11: BONAVEGA

10: Vincent Marcus

9: The Shape

8: Jonathan Goodwin

7: Kelvin Dukes

6: Kameron Ross

5: Alexis Brownley & The Puppy Pals

4: BAD Salsa

3: Spyros Bros

2: Voices of Our City Choir

1: Daneliya Tuleshova

See you tomorrow when the REAL Michael Myers dance group takes the stage, along with our favorite ventriloquism prodigy...

[littlelindyloo]

Buffy Fan Problem No.58943

Anyone else watch The Wedding Singer and wonder why Billy Idol is impersonating Spike?

No? Just me?

[saddfacee88]

The ARIANA GRANDE Case

ARIANA GRANDE CASE

Hi guys, so recently I’ve seen a lot of heat on a girl named Paige Niemann and, some of which, has come from Ariana Grande, herself. This is my opinion on the situation, we should not give either of these people hate and should learn to love each other a little bit more so take this with a pinch of salt. 

So, I have always pondered what it must be like living life as a celebrity and the pros and cons of that, which they come hand in hand in having a platform. I understand people impersonating you is, probably, ridiculous and disheartening. For example, recently youtubers dressed as Billie Eilish for the day and went in public pretending to be her. Billie Eilish addressed this and made a statement saying “Please stop this shit. It is not safe for you and it is mean to the people who don’t know any better. You’re making me look bad”. This, to me, is a reasonable response seen as these people were going out and in public and getting reactions and could potentially do anything, which equally could tarnish Billie Eilish’s reputation. 

So, I do understand why for any very famous person, like Ariana Grande, how this could be irresponsible of fans and tarnish a celebrities reputation very fast. I understand when you have worked so hard to put your image out there, how it could be very degrading and upsetting to see people copy, impersonate or mimick your look by impersonating you and copying your complete personality. It’s, obviously, going to take a toll on you, especially, when they become famous for your image. So, I don’t think Ariana’s opinion on the situation is incorrect or she shouldn’t feel that way because she is very much entitled to feel this way about her own life, look and reputation. 

However, Paige Niemann is a 16 year old girl, who makes Tik Tok videos impersonating Ariana Grande. Ariana Grande has clapped back more than once and, recently, called the impersonation “degrading it’s entire value, I’m screaming” on her instagram story. Ariana Grande has a very iconic and signature look and sound thus it is quite easy to impersonate the way she is. When you create such an iconic figure for yourself, of course, young people are going to copy that look and impersonate their idol. It’s part of being famous and honestly, being human. We all recreate things from something else, and copy everything we see in life to change the way we look. 

Obviously, I am aware that Paige Niemann impersonated Ariana Grande and Cat Valentine (from Victorious, played by Ariana Grande) every day of her life as she discussed that in an interview with Entertainment Tonight. However, this is a 16 year old girl. Someone so young should not have the heat put on her by someone with such a big platform. When she’s posting things herself, then getting hate on the internet is expected but she should not be getting attacked by her idol and the army that stands behind her. Her idol had no right to tear her down on social media, she’s a young girl. Ariana Grande has said in the past that she bets she’s “the sweetest sweet sweetheart” and was more polite about the impersonations when she first became aware, obviously, this has changed since Paige has had a bigger following. 

I just think it’s really upsetting that we’re not letting this young fan express herself how she wants to, but, also, making her realise she is her own person, she is beautiful and she doesn’t need to be Ariana Grande to be beautiful. Because that’s the saddest part, it was, probably, started as fun doing impressions and people telling her she looked like her idol but this has turned into her wanting to be just like Ariana. Ariana could have settled issues privately and, maybe, even the negative effects of what it was doing to her and what negative effects might come to Paige, however, instead she blasted her on social media. As celebrities, they all know about stan culture and cancel culture and they know how toxic it can be so name dropping a 16 year old girl is totally not cool, and really not okay. 

Overall, I hope Ariana Grande is doing okay and I hope Paige is doing okay. Do not give either person hate because it’s, really, not that worth it. We live in an age where everything is so based on social media, therefore if you look like one person or do an impression of a person once and it gets millions of hits it’s going to follow you around. However, be wise and be yourself.

[whyisstarkidfollowingmeshoo]

Myself: Oh my god, Seycile (not my real name) are you crying? Myself (again) : Yes, I'm crying. :,-D These photos are so beautiful.

That's Jeff Blim as Billy Idol or a Billy Idol Impersonator, btw. He also played Sammy, the lead's best friend.

[agentargus]

OC-Tober Day 1: What is your MC’s name? Any significance to that name?

(Doing a bunch of them because there isn’t just one MC.)

Pru and Billie were just the result of trial and error different acronyms that described what they did that made names that a human might have, honestly. (I mean, Billie is also partially named for Billie Holiday, Billie Joe Armstrong, Billy Preston, Billy Idol, Billy Zoom, etc. but...)

Dara’s name is very much an on-the-nose situation. “Dara” comes from the Sanskrit word for “Evening Star,” (and is also the name of a monarch in Irish legend, but I didn’t find that out until later haha.) “Daochanh” is a combination of Lao name components that refer to the moon and stars. She’s a space-time agent and her first and last name refer to space lol. I decided on “Hadassah” as a middle name because I wanted something distinctly Jewish, I had a Hebrew teacher with that name, and it’s also the Hebrew form of her mother’s name, “Ester.” (Both are named for Queen Esther of course, because badass ladies haha.) There’s a tradition in Judaism that you don’t name people directly after other people who are still living, but variations are fine.

Silvano is named for Silvano Marchetto from the graphic novel, “Cancer Vixen.” Silvano Marchetto is a Good Wholsome Guy who loves his wife very much, has more money than he really knows what to do with so he spends it on helping people pay for cancer treatments, and owns several thousand pairs of shoes. All of those qualities influenced my Silvano lol. “Albarado” was a common name among Moorish nobility.” His middle name, “Bilal” was a companion of Muhammad and is thought of as a gentle, noble name, so I figured it fit.

Dante is thoroughly uncreative haha. I didn’t know what to call him so I was like, “I have to narrow it down, so I’ll give him the same first initial as his faceclaim,” and of all the “D” names I could think of that fit the character, “Dante” came to mind first. In addition to the obvious reasons, I went to high school with a guy named Dante who grew up to be a professional Beyoncé impersonator. Nuff said, I think. “Feliciano” comes from the Italian word for “happy” (and was probably informed by Hetalia phase lol.) “Giuliana Maria” literally just popped into my head fully formed after I decided on Dante’s name, so there you go. “Argenti” is for Filippo Argenti, a character in “The Inferno,” but since they are Spoopy Kids (TM) the similarity of the name to that of a certain family in the horror genre might be a factor too.

Meli is named after Melinda Gordon from “Ghost Whisperer,” and a co-worker who mentored me at my first job. “Margarita” was originally going to be her first name (because drinks and Statesman, it was Mata Hari’s birth name, and for one of my favorite comic book characters, Margarita “Maggie” Chascarillo from “Locas,”) but that seemed too on-the-nose so it became her middle name. “Medina” and “Tomas” both came from Wikipedia’s list of famous spies lol.

Erik is named after the Phantom of the Opera and Magneto. Pretty straightforward. “Gibson” is the kind of guitar his FC usually plays so...

[trashkweeen-blog]

Class with the Countess - LuAnn de Lesseps

Oh, sweet LuAnn. Where do I start?

I have a love for the Countess that I truly cannot explain. I’m struggling to think of an instance where I was ever on her side. Literally every cool thing she does is almost immediately undone by an equal or greater uncool thing. 

Fucking a Jack Sparrow look alike on vacation was pretty cool. Trying to cover it up with the worst French i have ever heard come out of a French Canadian Mi’kmaw with parents from New Brunswick and Quebec was pretty uncool. I can’t really decide whether forcibly inviting herself on Bethenny’s Mexico trip that never happened, while wearing a white Armani suit, then leaving Bethenny with the bill was cool or not. I mean, it was objectively uncool, but I’m kinda here for anyone who pulls a power move on Bethenny. 

She called Carole a pedophile, then couldn’t spell it to apologize over text. Like, she just can’t help herself. She’s just self-aware enough to realize the moments in which we root for her, but not quite self-aware enough to carry them through. Like the fact that she literally sends this gif to people over text when they call her out on being the worst.

You give her one inch of approval and she will use it to the worst ends. She’s at her best when she’s raw and vulnerable and decidedly un-countess, but then she’ll invariably use those cool points to do something very countess. She’s like a snake eating her own tail, and I honestly can’t figure out why I love her so much for it. 

The best I can determine is that she’s like the Tony Soprano of the Real Housewives franchise. Not for obvious reasons - because our Lady Guidice wins there - but because she is such a compelling anti-hero that you kind of hate to love. 

Like Tony, she’s trapped in this inescapable delusion that romanticizes a golden age she caught glimpses of during her rise. She can’t keep from referencing royalty and high society she met and idolized in her youth, skiing in Gstaad, and dining with kings. Instead of seeing the absurdity and temporariness of it all, she bought right in. She saw her trash ass husband cycle through a handful of wives before her, but thought she was bulletproof. And now she coasts on the fantasy. 

And there’s hardly a moment that your sympathies don’t lie with whoever LuAnn is mistreating at any given time. You’re watching a character who can’t help but fuck up and hurt people, but who manages to mitigate our condemnation with rare moments of vulnerable confessionals. 

She’s a tragic anti-hero; you can watch her get arrested while threatening to kill cops, but when she shows up in an open robe and makes you laugh, you’re like well, maybe that cop deserved it.

So, i love LuAnn, and Class with the Countess was the book I was looking forward to reviewing the most. It was published right as the second season of #RHONY was airing, so we’re in a pre-Countless era here. We’re at peak Countess, getting advice from a woman who thinks she’s locked it all down, and who has yet to bang a pirate. 

I have no intention of going after low-hanging fruit here, by the way. I’m not going to count the ways that LuAnn doesn’t practice what she preaches. That’s tedious. So here’s what I learned from my “crash course in manners from New York’s favourite countess”.

The first section of the book, The Art of Being Yourself, is all about confidence, adventure, and casually moving to Milan to appear on Italian TV as a Sharon Stone impersonator? I don’t know. The first thing I truly loved about this section was LuAnn’s stated purpose for appearing on #RHONY - to expose her children to how technicians make television happen. I’m sorry, no. No, you didn’t. You absolutely did not agree to #RHONY so your kids could learn lighting and sound production. If Bravo has any footage of Victoria and Noel taking notes behind the scenes, please, I would love to see this. 

As long as I’m calling bullshit (and this is, like, the last time I will), I gotta address how LuAnn insists on referring to herself as American Indian. Carole has already schooled her on the preferred nomenclature (LuAnn’s iconic response below), so I’m not touching that. 

No, my beef is that the bitch is Canadian. Her father was from NEW BRUNSWICK. Sorry, countess, but I’m now claiming you. ONE OF US. ONE OF US. ONE OF US. 

Anyway, here are the highlights of the Canadian Countess’ advice for being your best self:

get a hobby (Jill Zarin!), preferably tennis or cabaret singing

don’t ever brush your hair in public. who was doing this? No, you know what, probably Ramona. 

when wearing Jimmy Choos, take “normal-length strides”. this is very key and very helpful. do not walk in lunges. you will never be elegant if your strides are not of normal length

have healthy gums????????

literally chew your food. I’m 100% serious, this book for real says that while in a “monastic Austrian spa”, LuAnn learned that chewing your food “thoroughly” makes it taste better. She spent the money on monastic chewing lessons so you don’t have to. stop swallowing your food whole, there’s a better way!

dramatize your look with an “eye-catching belt buckle”. i hate this so much.

The majority of this section reads like a Cosmo article that spans 82 pages, and contains about 3 pages of useful information. I’m down to hear your favourite makeup products and your go-to weekend bag staples. Why I also had to read 79 pages of LuAnn teaching me how to walk and eat like a person, as if i’m some sort of cursed beast recluse is beyond me. It is my sincere wish that we send this book to space as a reference guide for visiting aliens. 

The second section - The Art of Making People Comfortable - is my favourite. It somehow covers the gamut of social scenarios from like, eating at your friend’s house, to how you should address a king when in casual conversation for the second time. I now know not to wear gloves in the presence of a king, and that you can call a queen ma’am, which, like, does not sound right. 

Royal greetings aside though, this section is actually pretty legit. 

Which countries air kiss, and how many kisses to give? 

What are you sniffing for when the sommelier brings you a bottle of wine to taste? (cork)

How much should you tip a restroom attendant? ($1)

Which fork is the salad fork?(the leftmost one)

Where do you put your napkin when you get up from the table, but you’re coming back? (the chair)

There are checklists for dinner parties, cocktail parties, and overnight guest hosting. There are go-to dinner party menus. There are gift ideas for hostesses. There are even template diplomatic answers to awkward questions, opening lines for cocktail small talk, and conversation-enders. 

This section is actually super useful and I loved it. I’m not even touching the chapter on children. I’m saving all my capacity to judge parenting advice for Alex McCord’s book. 

The last section, though. Ugh. The Art of Seduction. 

I guess, first of all, I wanna say that LuAnn was a way hotter model than I expected. Whenever she talks about her modelling days, I always picture something like the cover of this book - a Wal-Mart portrait studio, waist-up shot of LuAnn in a statement necklace and a sensible blouse, selling me like, grapefruit spoons, or something. But this section opens with this photo:

and she was actually such a babe! good for you, Countess!

Anyway, this section made me barf into my hands. Here are some of LuAnn’s tips for catching your man:

have the kind of sex appeal that makes strangers on vespas pinch your ass as they drive by. This is not at all a chilling example of sexual harassment, but rather aspirational, and a sign that you’re doing something right. thank you, vespa man for validating my femininity!

find a good man by playing damsel in distress at tech shops. Listen, my boyfriend is a walking tech shop, and i can tell you for 100% certain that (a) he would not recognize a damsel in distress if his life depended on it, (b) his peripheral awareness while comparing gaming keyboards is slim to none, and (c ) he wants to explain RAM to me like my ex wanted to explain football scoring to me, which is zero amount. Do not do this. 

you can also find a good man in upscale men’s stores by discussing ties with them. Please do not walk alone aimlessly in clothing stores, telling men about ties. They will literally just assume you work there. I cannot fathom a scenario in which this is not weird. 

Maintain the romance in your relationship by surprising your husband on his business trip by showing up dressed as a Moroccan princess in disguise????? Maybe when the Count cheated with that Ethiopian princess, he just thought it was LuAnn again?????

Keep your grooming a mystery from your husband. Apply your skin care and makeup in private, and don’t let him see you pluck your eyebrows. How large of a house do you need in order to maintain this level of mystique? What if your husband finds your secret room filled with tweezers and lotion??? 

Don’t try to be emotional with your man, that’s what girlfriends are for!! Men aren’t as emotional as women, so don’t burden them with your hysterics. Do like they did in olden times, and get your hysteria cured by a doctor who gives orgasms. (also, like, that’s bananas, but I do very much wish that basic health insurance still covered getting beat off by a professional for emotional release)

make friends with doormen, including those at buildings you don’t live in, because you never know when they’ll lend you a helping hand. If this isn’t the most ho tip I’ve ever heard. I love it. 

Overall, this book is much like the Countess herself: there are moments of sweet, new money Molly Brown gently helping you use the right fork to keep from embarrassing yourself in front of Billy Zane.

But there are also several moments of your status-hungry mother smothering your kidneys with a girdle, and telling you to speak softly, polish your jewels and get to fucking Billy Zane. 

Quick Stats:

Pages: 258

Did it need to be that many pages: good sweet god, no

Did it change my mind about the housewife? It was better than I expected, but there’s no way to change my mind about LuAnn anyway. I’m a Countess apologist for life. 

Real-ass book rating: 📖📖/5

Junk food book rating: 💎💎💎/5

[blackkudos]

Billy Eckstine

William Clarence Eckstine (July 8, 1914 – March 8, 1993) was an American jazz and pop singer, and a bandleader of the swing era. He was noted for his rich, resonant, almost operatic bass-baritone voice. Eckstine's recording of "I Apologize" (MGM, 1948) was awarded the Grammy Hall of Fame Award in 1999. 

The New York Times

 described him as an "influential band leader" whose "suave bass-baritone and "full-throated, sugary approach to popular songs inspired singers like Joe Williams, Arthur Prysock and Lou Rawls."

Biography

Eckstine's paternal grandparents were William F. Eckstein and Nannie Eckstein, a mixed-race, married couple who lived in Washington, D.C.; both were born in 1863. William F. was born in Prussia and Nannie in Virginia. His parents were William Eckstein, a chauffeur, and Charlotte Eckstein, a seamstress of note. Eckstine was born in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania; a State Historical Marker is placed at 5913 Bryant St, Highland Park, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, to mark the house where he grew up.Billy's sister, Maxine (married name Whedbee), was a well-respected Spanish teacher at Taylor Allderdice High School in Pittsburgh.

He attended Peabody High School before moving to Washington, DC. He attended Armstrong High School, St. Paul Normal and Industrial School, and Howard University. He left Howard in 1933, after winning first place in an amateur talent contest. He married his first wife, June, in 1942. After their divorce in 1952, he remarried shortly after to actress and model Carolle Drake in 1953, and they remained married until his death. He was the father of four children by second marriage and two step-children, including Ed Eckstine, who was a president of Mercury Records, Guy Eckstine, who was a Columbia and Verve Records A&R executive and record producer, singer Gina Eckstine, and actor Ronnie Eckstine.

Heading to Chicago, Eckstine joined Earl Hines' Grand Terrace Orchestra in 1939, staying with the band as vocalist and trumpeter, until 1943. By that time, Eckstine had begun to make a name for himself through the Hines band's juke-box hits as "Stormy Monday Blues" and his own "Jelly Jelly."

In 1944, Eckstine formed his own big band and it became the finishing school for adventurous young musicians who would shape the future of jazz. Included in this group were Dizzy Gillespie, Dexter Gordon, Miles Davis, Art Blakey, Charlie Parker, and Fats Navarro, as well as vocalist Sarah Vaughan. Tadd Dameron, Gil Fuller and Jerry Valentine were among the band's arrangers. The Billy Eckstine Orchestra is considered to be the first bop big-band, and had Top Ten chart entries that included "A Cottage for Sale" and "Prisoner of Love". Both were awarded a gold disc by the RIAA.

Dizzy Gillespie, in reflecting on the band in his 1979 autobiography To Be or Not to Bop, gives this perspective: "There was no band that sounded like Billy Eckstine's. Our attack was strong, and we were playing bebop, the modern style. No other band like this one existed in the world."

Eckstine became a solo performer in 1947, with records featuring lush sophisticated orchestrations. Even before folding his band, Eckstine had recorded solo to support it, scoring two million-sellers in 1945 with "Cottage for Sale" and a revival of "Prisoner of Love". Far more successful than his band recordings, these prefigured Eckstine’s future career. Eckstine would go on to record over a dozen hits during the late 1940s. He signed with the newly established MGM Records, and had immediate hits with revivals of "Everything I Have Is Yours" (1947), Richard Rodgers and Lorenz Hart’s "Blue Moon" (1948), and Juan Tizol’s "Caravan" (1949).

Eckstine had further success in 1950 with Victor Young’s theme song to "My Foolish Heart," and the next year with a revival of the 1931 Bing Crosby hit, "I Apologize".

His 1950 appearance at the Paramount Theatre in New York City drew a larger audience than Frank Sinatra at his Paramount performance.

Eckstine was the subject of a three page profile in the 25 April 1950 issue of LIFE magazine, in which the photographer Martha Holmes accompanied Eckstine and his entourage during a week in New York City. One photograph taken by Holmes and published in LIFE showed Eckstine with a group of female admirers, one of whom had her hand on his shoulder and her head on his chest while she laughed. Eckstine's biographer Cary Ginell, wrote of the image that Holmes "...captured a moment of shared exuberance, joy, and affection, unblemished by racial tension." Holmes would later describe the photograph as the favorite of the many she had taken in her career as it "...told just what the world should be like". The photograph was considered so controversial that an editor at LIFE sought personal approval from Henry Luce, the magazine's publisher, who said it should be published. The publication of the image caused letters of protest to be written to the magazine, and singer Harry Belafonte subsequently said of the publication that "When that photo hit, in this national publication, it was if a barrier had been broken". The controversy that resulted from the photograph had a seminal effect on the trajectory of Eckstine's career. Tony Bennett would recall that "It changed everything...Before that, he had a tremendous following...and it just offended the white community", a sentiment shared by pianist Billy Taylor who said that the "coverage and that picture just slammed the door shut for him".

Among Eckstine's recordings of the 1950s was a 1957 duet with Sarah Vaughan, "Passing Strangers", a minor hit in 1957, but an initial No. 22 success in the UK Singles Chart.

The 1960 Las Vegas live album, No Cover, No Minimum, featured Eckstine taking a few trumpet solos and showcased his nightclub act. He recorded albums for Mercury and Roulette in the early 1960s, and appeared on Motown albums during the mid to late 1960s. After recording sparingly during the 1970s for Al Bell's Stax/Enterprise imprint, the international touring Eckstine made his last recording, the Grammy-nominated Billy Eckstine Sings with Benny Carter in 1986.

Eckstine made numerous appearances on television variety shows, including on The Ed Sullivan Show, The Nat King Cole Show, The Tonight Show with Steve Allen, Jack Paar, and Johnny Carson, The Merv Griffin Show, The Art Linkletter Show, The Joey Bishop Show, The Dean Martin Show, The Flip Wilson Show, and Playboy After Dark. He also performed as an actor in the TV sitcom Sanford and Son, and in such films as Skirts Ahoy, Let's Do It Again, and Jo Jo Dancer.

Culturally Eckstine was a fashion icon. He was famous for his "Mr. B. Collar"- a high roll collar that formed a "B" over a Windsor-knotted tie. The collars were worn by many a hipster in the late 1940s and early 1950s.

In 1984 Eckstine recorded his penultimate album, I Am a Singer, arranged and conducted by Angelo DiPippo and featuring Toots Thielemans on harmonica. Eckstine's final recordings were made in November 1986, with saxophonist Benny Carter and released on the 1987 album Billy Eckstine Sings with Benny Carter.

Illness & Death

Eckstine suffered a stroke while performing in Salina, Kansas, in April 1992, and never performed again. Though his speech improved in hospital, Eckstine later had a heart attack, and died a few months later on March 8, 1993, aged 78. Eckstine's final word was "Basie".

Tributes

His friend Duke Ellington recalled Eckstine's artistry in his 1973 autobiography Music is My Mistress: "Eckstine-style love songs opened new lines of communication for the man in the man-woman merry-go-round, and blues a la B were the essence of cool. When he made a recording of Caravan, I was happy and honored to watch one of our tunes help take him into the stratosphere of universal acclaim. And, of course, he hasn't looked back since. A remarkable artist, the sonorous B." ... "His style and technique have seen extensively copied by some of the neocommercial singers, but despite their efforts he remains out front to show how and what should have been done."

Sammy Davis, Jr. made several live appearances and impersonated Eckstine. Not just for comedy reasons, but because Eckstine was a close friend and a supporter of Martin Luther King. Eckstine was a pallbearer at Davis' Funeral in 1990.

Quincy Jones stated in Billboard: "I looked up to Mr. B as an idol. I wanted to dress like him, talk like him, pattern my whole life as a musician and as a complete person in the image of dignity that he projected.... As a black man, Eckstine was not immune to the prejudice that characterized the 1950s." Jones is quoted in The Pleasures of Jazz as also saying of Eckstine: "If he’d been white, the sky would have been the limit. As it was, he didn’t have his own radio or TV show, much less a movie career. He had to fight the system, so things never quite fell into place."

Lionel Hampton: "He was one of the greatest singers of all time.... We were proud of him because he was the first Black popular singer singing popular songs in our race. We, the whole music profession, were so happy to see him achieve what he was doing. He was one of the greatest singers of that era ... He was our singer."

The Title of a 1956 promotional movie by the C. G. Conn Company, Mr. B Natural, is derivative of Eckstine's nickname "Mr. B." (The title character bears no resemblance to Eckstine.)

Discography

Albums

With Howard McGhee

1948 Howard McGhee and Milt Jackson (Savoy [rel. 1955])

LP/CD releases/compilations of note

1960 Mr. B: The Great Billy Eckstine and His Orchestra (Audio Lab) – 12" LP reissue of The Great Mr. B from DeLuxe/King

1963 Billy & Sarah [with Sarah Vaughan] (Lion) – compilation

1971 Billy Eckstine Together (Spotlite) – 1945 live "radio broadcast" recordings

1979 Billy Eckstine Sings (Savoy Jazz) – compilation

1986 Mister B. and the Band: The Savoy Sessions (Savoy Jazz) – compilation

1986 I Want to Talk About You (Xanadu) – This compilation features Eckstine's earliest recordings, thirteen selections from his 1940–1942 Bluebird sides with the Earl Hines Orchestra; plus three ballads from a 1945 live "radio broadcast" with his big band.

1991 Everything I Have Is Yours: The Best of the MGM Years (Verve/PLG) – 2-CD anthology with 42 tracks (note: the original 2–LP set was issued in 1985 with 30 tracks)

1991 Compact Jazz: Billy Eckstine (Verve/PLG) – compilation

1994 Jazz 'Round Midnight: Billy Eckstine (Verve/PLG) – compilation

1994 Verve Jazz Masters (Volume 22): Billy Eckstine (Verve/PLG) – compilation

1996 Air Mail Special (Drive Archive) – reissue of the 1945 live "radio broadcast" recordings.

1996 The Magnificent Mr. B (Flapper/Pearl) – anthology/compilation of material recorded with Earl Hines (for the Bluebird label), and Eckstine's recordings with his orchestra (for the DeLuxe and National labels).

1997 The Chronological Billy Eckstine And His Orchestra 1944-1945 (Classics) - anthology/compilation

1999 The Chronological Billy Eckstine And His Orchestra 1946-1947 (Classics) - anthology/compilation

2001 Mr. B (ASV/Living Era) – anthology/compilation

2002 Timeless: Billy Eckstine (Savoy Jazz/Denon) – compilation

2002 The Legendary Big Band 1943–1947 (Savoy Jazz/Denon) – 2-CD anthology (all of Eckstine's recordings for the De Luxe and National labels).

2003 The Motown Years (Motown/UMe) – 2-CD anthology

2004 Love Songs (Savoy Jazz/Denon) – compilation

2004 A Proper Introduction to Billy Eckstine: Ballads, Blues and Bebop (Proper) – anthology/compilation

2005 Jukebox Hits 1943–1953 (Acrobat) – anthology/compilation

2005 Early Mr. B: 1940–1953 (Jazz Legends) – anthology/compilation of material recorded with Earl Hines (for the Bluebird label), and Eckstine's recordings with his orchestra (for the DeLuxe, National and MGM labels).

2006 Prisoner of Love: The Romantic Billy Eckstine (Savoy Jazz/Denon) – this is a reissue of Timeless: Billy Eckstine.

2008 All of My Life (Jasmine) – 2-CD anthology (contains 35 tracks recorded for MGM; includes all 10 of his 1956 RCA recordings; and 10 of his 1957–1958 Mercury recordings).

2013 Billy Eckstine: Seven Classic Albums (Real Gone Jazz) – 4-CD reissue package includes these 7 albums, Billy Eckstine's Imagination; Billy Eckstine & Sarah Vaughan Sing the Best of Irving Berlin; Billy's Best!; Basie-Eckstine Incorporated; No Cover, No Minimum; Once More With Feeling; At Basin Street East.

Wikipedia

[theswiftarmy]

#31 – Cardigan Begins – Cardi B On Repeat For Me And A Cardigan For You

“Why are they wearing sweaters?”  Kymmie Lawyer asked.

“They’re cardigans.” Kanye West corrected her.  “Fashion is my thing.  Fashion and shoes.”  Everyone nodded at Kanye.  He does know fashion and shoes, that’s very trues.

“Weird.”  Kymmie said, staring at the cardigans.  She held her book up to match them to what she saw in her book.  “I didn’t know cardigans were in fashion.”

“Neither did I.”  Pop Wansel added.

The cardigans marched onward toward them, they seemed to be picking up their pace.  Everyone slowed their steps until they completely stopped walking.  They stood transfixed by the cardigans.

“They’re so…” Someone started to say in a dream like voice.

“…well dressed.”  Another said finishing the sentence.

The group stood silently ogling the mind bogglingly well-dressed strangers.

“Quick, this way.”  William Way spoke suddenly breaking from his usual calmness.  He led them down the street away from the mysterious Cardigan Crew.

           “I really think they’re following us.” One of the group noted with a hint of fear.  “Quickly, come on!”  Will shouted.  They ran north along S. Figueroa Street.

“HEY!” A shout in their direction echoed off the buildings. A young man called out to them as he raced towards them.  Someone new to this strange new post wall of sound world, not wearing a cardigan, had seemingly appeared out of nowhere.  

           The Cardigan Crew was still close behind them on S. Figurea Street but they managed to gain a little bit of distance.  “We’ve got company.  Everyone pick up the pace!”  Scott shouted to them between heavy breaths.  “We don’t know who that is.  Let’s just get back to the helicopter.  Don’t turn around, just RUN!”

           “YE!!!!  YEEEZUS!!!!  CAN YOU SIGN MY SHOES!!!!!  KANYE!!!!!!  I'M YOUR BIGGEST FAN!!!!!”  The guy yelled after them, he ran at full sprint easily catching up to the group.

           Kanye held up a hand as he slowed his pace.  “Everyone hold up!  It’s cool, this guy’s a follower of me, Ye.”  The group slowed their pace to match Kanye and his biggest fan.  He turned to the young man.  “What’s your name?”  He pulled out a pen ready to sign.

           “My name is Stan!”  He pulled a pair of shoes out of a backpack.  Brand new sneaks.

           Kanye pulled out a marker and signed the pair of Yeezy Boosts.  “It’s nice to meet you Stan.  I’m a fan of any fan of mine named Stan.”

           “Are you all headed to a party or something?  WHOA, BILLIE EILISH!  AND LIZZO!  AND JUSTIN BIEBER!!!!  THIS IS SOOO AWESOME!  Like, I’m team Kanye, but I like your music too.”  They acknowledged the compliment.

           “Cool.”  Lizzo said, skeptically.  “What’d you say your name was again?”

“Stan.”

“Alright Stan, name one of my songs?”

“Ummm… that one, that’s like 100 percent DNA test.”

“I’ll accept it.”  Lizzo’s facial expression remained unchanged.  “I mean it would be nice if you knew a song other than that but, I’ll accept it.”

“Maybe make a song with Kanye?  I’d know that one for sure!”

“I’ll consider it.”  Lizzo said in a voice that sounded more like she really wasn’t going to consider it.

           “No party.  We’re, on our way… to, umm, somewhere.”  Scott looked back at the cardigans approaching.  “We need to get off the street.”  He said to the group.  He wanted to convey the sense of urgency without giving anything away.

           “Wait, are you guys filming a music video or something?” Stan asked like an excited little kid wanting to know EVERY detail.

           “No.  Stan, didn’t you notice that there’s no one else on the street?  I mean, there’s you and us, and… them…” Stan stared back at Scott as if nothing were out of the ordinary, as if this Langoliers life were exactly the way the world was meant to be.

           “Quick, up these steps.”  Will commanded to the group breaking through the conversation and pulling it like it were on an invisible string.

           They climbed up the steps at 5th street and S. Figurea to a second story veranda with fountains and a garden. They stopped at the top of the stairs.  Will pointed across the street

           “The walkway that crosses S. Figurea.  Over there.  Let’s go.”  Will instructed.  They paused on the walkway ducking behind the safety sidewall of the walkway.

“Kanye can you sign my friend’s shoes too?”  Stan asked, holding up a FaceTime call with his friend.

“What?”  Scott moved closer to look at the phone.

“How did you get service?”  Carl asked trying to take a look at the phone.

“I posted it online that I got my shoe signed.  I’m in a shoe fan club and we get updates from one another when any of us get our shoes signed.”

“Why did you do that?”  Scott was reliving Kymmie posting the Thomas Whittington Swift cat photos.  “WHY DOES EVERYONE HAVE TO POST EVERYTHING ONLINE AND TELL THE WORLD THE MINUTE IT HAPPENS!?”

“I’m trying to be an influencer.”  Stan shrugged.

“Me too!”  Kymmie nodded fervently with wide eyes and a big smile.

“Also, I mean, I’m a teenager.  What do you expect?”  Stan replied.

“Me too!”  Kymmie smiled even more and then they both high fived each other.

Stan and Kymmie both shared a look and shrugged in unison at Scott.  Stan checked his phone.  “Oh man my friend is like literally 10 seconds away!  WAIT LOOK, there he is!”  Stan waved to his friend below.  “Dan!  UP HERE BROOOOO!!!”

Kanye’s follower shouted out loud to his friend.  The group grabbed him and silenced him pulling him down towards the ground.

“Bruh, what are you doing?”  Justin whispered.  “Disconnect the call.”  Justin reached out and tapped the screen severing the FaceTime call with Stan’s friend below.  Taylor could be on any line at any time.  She got to Ed Sheeran after they escaped the storming of Big Machine Records, she could be Taylurking anywhere.

“What about Dan!”  Stan argued back.

“Shhhh” Scott shushed them.  They were crouched behind the sidewall of the walkway.  They lifted their heads up.

The Cardigan Crew closed in on the corner of 5th street just as the friend walked up.  Stan’s friend Dan stood on the corner confused as he looked around for Stan.  He held a brand-new pair of shoes ready for Kanye to sign but there was no Kanye in sight.  Dan began to paced in front of the Westin Bonaventure Hotel.  He stopped briefly to put the shoes in a backpack then appeared to hold up his phone trying to find signal to make another call.  The group watched from the walkway connecting the Westin and a bank across the street.  The cardigans walked towards Dan and began to circle around him.

“Who the heck are they?”  Stan asked.

“We don’t know.”  Scott replied.  But he did.  He knew exactly who they were.

“Why are they wearing sweaters?”  Stan questioned.

“They’re cardigans.” Kymmie corrected.

“I didn’t know cardigans were in fashion.”  Stan said back.

“Me either.” Kymmie shrugged.

Ye looked down at the Swifties, “What are they doing now?”

           “Yeah, what the heck are they doing?”  Stan said his idol.

           A trove of Swifties swooped in surrounding their target.  They held their hands out at arm’s length fingers in heart shapes.  Bluetooth speakers boomed to life with the sonic sounds of Taylor’s singing.

           “He’s about to get Swifted.” Scott explained to the group, as though they were watching a predator in the natural habitat taking in a prey.

           “Swifted!?”  Stan gasped. “What is that?”

           Scott turned to stare Stan in the eyes. “He’s a Swiftie now.  Taylor Swift music on repeat from now on.”

“But, he HATES Taylor Swift’s music!”  Stan objected.

“Not anymore.”  Scott Borchetta shook his head,  “In a few moments, he’ll stan Taylor Swift like she’s the only musician in the world.  A goddess with a guitar, a piano paragon.”

The cardigans held their arms out as they walked towards the Kanye fan.  They held out their hands in the shape of hearts.  Taylor’s voice was blaring out of portable Bluetooth speakers that each one had hanging around their neck like a heart shaped ‘Flavor Flave’ clock.  Each of the Swifties armed with a Taylor Swift Lover Bluetooth speaker, in the shape of an oversized giant locket blasted Taylor Swift music.  A heart shaped Bluetooth Flavor Flave locket that booms Taylor Swift music in sync with the beat of your heart.  And it matches the cardigan too!  Points for Style.

           “I’ve never heard this song before.  What song is this?”  Billie asked.  “It’s definitely Taylor, but I’ve never heard this song.”

           “I don’t know.”  Scott knew it was Taylor’s music, but, he’d never heard it before either.

“It’s new Taylor!  It has to be.”  Kymmie yelled out.  “They’re SWIFTIES!  EVERYONE, THE’YRE SWIFTIES!!!”

“Shhhhhhhhhh!”  Everyone shushed Kymmie.  She opened her book and matched the picture of the cardigans again.  It was exact.  Their cardigans below matched exactly what was sketched in her journal.  This MUST be Taylor’s journal.  She flung her arm as if to toss it over the side of the bridge, but her fingers wouldn’t let go, she couldn’t let it go, she’d already added her own story to it.  It was part of her now.

           “What’s happening to him?”  Stan asked.

           “He’s about to get Swifted.”  Scott repeated, his Jeff Goldblum impersonation returning for a guest appearance.

           The Super Swifities made a tighter circle around him with the music blaring from the heart shaped Bluetooth speaker lockets and their hands held out in the shape of hearts.  The hand shaped hearts shown at him in all directions.  His eyes changed from wide with fear to soft, with love.  One of the cardigan wearing Swifties lifted up a shopping bag and held it in the air in front of them.  He reached out and took the bag with one hand while reaching back he pulled off his backpack with the other.  He placed it on the ground in front of him.  He opened the shopping bag and pulled a cardigan from the upscale shopping bag.  There was a large TS printed on the side of the bag.  He put the cardigan on, then took a pair of brand new Yeezys out of the backpack on the ground in front of them and held them out towards the Swifties…

           “OH, no, no no no, heck no!”  Kanye blurted out.

           “KANYE!  Shh, you’ll give us away!”  Scott scolded.

           He handed the Yeezy’s to one of the Super Swifties in the Cardigan Crew.

           “Bruh just traded $1200 Yeezys for a cardigan!”

           “Damn.”  Justin put a hand on Kanye’s shoulder for support.  “That’s hard to watch.  I know if my Drew House swag were traded for Swiftie swag I’d be pretty upset.”

           One of the cardigan wearing Super Swifties turned the shoe over and worked the secret buttons until a compartment in the shoe opened revealing a flash drive containing secret new Kanye tunes.

           “OH HECK NO!  Now it’s on!”  Ye tried to move in the direction of the stairs but Justin and Billie reached out and grabbed his hand.  It was too late, one of the cardigans looked up, then they all looked up.

“Well, they see us now.”  Carl Lyle Lawyer stated, like they were spotted by a pack of Velociraptors from the Jurassic Park and Jurassic World movies.  Not that I’m comparing Swifties to Velociraptors, but then again, piss off a pack of Swifties and, umm… you might want to run for your life.

“There’s no way we can take them on without your Sunday Service, or my Beliebers… Or… Billie’s foll…”  Justin paused.  ”—what are your followers even called?”

She shrugged and flipped her palms to face upward.  And made a shrugging face.  Whatever the shrugging face is.  You know, the face that someone makes when they are shrugging.  That face.

“Like, you don’t have a name for your fans?  What’s your team name?  You gotta have a team name.  We all have teams.”

She shrugged again.

“There’s no I in team, Billie.”  The Biebs said really seriously.  It was borderline Billie seriously.

“Aye, aye captain…..”  She smiled.

Justin rolled his eyes and shook his head, he felt like Hamilton Porter from The Sandlot.  Smalls!  You’re killing me.

“Yo this is like a Marvel movie!  SO COOL!  BRUH.”  Kanye’s stan fan named Stan commented.

“Um… Not really, but… I mean, sure.  We’re like, The Avengers or something.”

“SO COOL!!!  CAN I BE BATMAN!?!?!?”  He said excitedly.

“That’s DC not Marvel, so… That’s a no.”

“Oh yeah.”  Stan thought for a moment.  “I always get things like that confused.”

“Me too!”  Kymmie said with a smile and held her hand up for a high five.  Stan and her high-fived.  “Wait, let’s do a high four.”  She tucked her thumb against her palm.

“Wait, what am I doing?”  Stan fiddled with his thumb pointing it in all directions.

“Just press your thumb against your palm and then we do like we would a high five, but just, like, tap the tips of your fingers because otherwise you hit thumbs and then it hurts.”

“What’s the point of this again?”  Billie asked watching Kymmie and Stan try to attempt a high four.

“There is no point!  Just do it!”  Kymmie yelled out.

“Okay I think I got it.”  Stan held his hand up.

“HIGH FOUR!”  She called out as their hands collided in midair.

“Ow.”  Stan inspected his injured thumb.

Kymmie shook her hand to try and get rid of the tingling sensation from hitting a funny nerve as the back of their thumbs collided instead of the tips of their fingers.  “Yeah...  That didn’t work out.  Let’s never do that again.”

Billie laughed.  “I feel like you both kind of just did a condensed interpretive dance of an entire relationship where you were trying to make it work but in the end, you both got hurt.”

“Relationship?  But we don’t even know each other.”  Kymmie said.

Billie nodded.  “Yeah, that’s how it goes.  It’s fun, then you both get hurt, and then you find out in the end, you don’t actually even know the person—”

           “Uh, we need to move.  NOW.”  Scott shouted to the group interrupting Billie’s teen talk about relationships.

           The Super Swifties Cardigan Crew were already on their way towards the stairs.

           The group ran the rest of the way across the overpass to the open space beside the rooftop pool.

           “Okay.  Where do we go now?”  Pop asked while looking around.

           “Where the heck is everyone?  This place is suddenly a ghost town.  Something’s going on you guys, LA is never this empty.”  Lizzo commented.

           “I don’t know.”  Carl said.

           The Cardigans reached the top of the stairs on the other side of the street.  Just like the velociraptors from Jurassic World, they immediately spotted their prey and began to plot their plan of attack.

           “Should we go into the Westin?”  Oak Felder pointed at the Westin Bonaventure Hotel.

           “All the lights are off, it’s dark inside.”  Billie ran over to a door and pulled on the handle.  “It’s locked!”  She shouted to the group.

           “Is there another stairway?  Maybe we can go back to the street?”  Kymmie suggested.

           “Oh no.”  Scott said grimly as he gazed at the streets below from the elevated area they stood on.

           “What?”  Billie looked back

           “There’s more of them!  More of those Cardigan wearing Super Swifties!”  Scott’s Jeff Goldblum voice was the most prominent it had ever been.  “And Katycats… And Animals.”

           “OH MY!”  Everyone yelped.

           “They’re filling the streets!”  Justin’s voice contained a hint of terror.

           “Hold on… WHO are they?”  Kymmie the teen Arianator/Ariana Grande stan and Stan the Kanye stan pointed into the distance at another group marching slowly down the street.

           From a fourth direction far in the distance the street was slowly filing with a sea of black t-shirts containing white lettering and three words printed on the shirts.

           “I don’t know.  I’ve never seen anything like this before.”  Carl looked at the groups converging on South Figueroa Street alongside the Westin Bonaventure Hotel.

           Everyone diverted their attention to the music coming from the other side of the walkway that stretched across South Figueroa Street connecting the Westin Bonaventure Hotel to the buildings across the street.  The heart shaped lockets blasting music in unison.  Stan’s friend Dan now among them wearing the brand-new cardigan he was handed just moments ago complete with a Flavor Flav style Bluetooth speaker lover locket hanging from his neck.

           “We have to get inside!”  Scott shouted frantically.

“We don’t have a key!”  Billie shouted back.

           William produced a key from his rainbow key set and repeated a phrase from earlier.  “Where there’s a Will, there’s a way!”

           “Ohhhhhhhh snap!  Will Way saving the day again!”  Justin pointed simultaneously to his new sleek earworm canceling earbuds and to the set of rainbow keys Will held up in the air, then high fived with Will B.

           “WHO ARE YOU!!?!?!” Billie demanded to know.

           “Willam B. Way.”  Kymmie answered.  “He told us that earlier when you were all, like, dazed and confused.  Duh.”

           Billie shot Kymmie a ‘not amused’ look.  “What does the B stand for?”  She asked him.

           “Bowery.”  He replied.

           “Hmmmm… William Bowery Way.”  Billie played with the words as she said them, like chewing on bubble gum.

           “Your name sounds like a street.  But if you drop the ‘Way’ part, it sounds like a fictitious songwriter name Taylor Swift would use.”  Kymmie said to everyone and no one, and herself.

           “Yeah, it kind of does.”  Everyone agreed nodding.

           “Okay, uh, your little get to know you game is gonna have to happen later.” Scott interrupted pointing at the cardigans fast approaching.  “Swifties starboard bow.”

           “Swifties…“ Justin echoed.  “Holy cow!”

“Cardigan Swifities.” Lizzo lamented.

Billie walked in front of the group, “Okay well, what do we do now?!”

“What if we jump in the pool?”  Kanye’s number one fan asked while pointing to a posh looking pool that sat adjacent to the Westin Bonaventure Hotel.

“No.  Fool.”  Kanye tossed a look at his fanboi.  “I just signed those shoes!  The water would ruin them!”

“Oh yeah.”  Stan thought about the flash drive he saw in his friend Dan’s pair of new Yeezy Boosts.  He whispered into Kymmie’s ear, “There’s something really weird going on here.”

She looked back at him and nodded then whispered back in his ear.  “Yeah.”  She pointed at the book in her hand.  “I found this strange book too.”  She opened the book page with the cardigan drawings.  Then held it up to match the cardigans crossing the bridge towards them.  The book now displayed a war flag with a picture of a cardigan displayed across the page.

“Mr. Way, do those keys actually do anything, or are they just for show?”  Billie gaped at the keys as they shimmered and shined in the night.

           “Follow me.”  He jingled the set of rainbow keys, one key for every color of the rainbow dangled on a key ring, they had an odd kryptonite-esk translucence to them.

“Aye Aye Mr. William B, you lead the way.”

Scott glanced at the approaching Swifties, “We just need better coverage.  This veranda won’t do, we need to get inside.”  Scott shouted.

           Will smiled and motioned with his hand for them to follow.  “Leave it to me.  Where there’s a Will…”

           “Yeah yeah yeah, there’s a way.”  They echoed, like school children following.  They took only a few steps before they were spotted.

“You guys… I think they see us!  You might want to hurry up with a plan!” Kymmie shouted.

The Cardigans began to cross the walkway picking up their pace.  They began walking quickly towards them turning up the volume on those sweet Swiftie sounds.

“YOU GUYS!”  Kymmie squealed in a high-pitched voice.

Lizzo stepped out in front of the group.  She held up her tiny purse that accompanied her outfit from the 2019 American Music Awards show.  She reached into the purse and pulled a full-sized flute out of her tiny purse.

“What the!?!?!?!?  HOW THE HECK DO YOU HAVE A FLUTE IN THERE!” Pop’s eyes were wide with disbelief as he stared between the purse and the flute.

“You’d be surprised what I have in here.”  She winked.

Pop looked at her dubiously, “Oh really?”

“What the hell are you going to do with that?” Kymmie asked Lizzo pushing between Pop and Lizzo.

“Language, young lady!”  Carl looked down upon his daughter.  “Watch your language.”

“Sorry dad.”  Her eyes averted his.  “I got caught up in the moment.”  She shrugged innocently then turned from her dad to Lizzo.  “Sorry, Lizzo, I meant to say what are you going to do with that?”

“Well, this one time at band camp… “ Lizzo replied to Kymmie.

“Really?”  They replied in unison.

“NO!”

“So, are you going to pied piper them?”  Scott questioned jokingly.

Lizzo winked.  “Something like that.”

“Is that going to work?  You’re using live music against recorded music.”  Scott asked back skeptically.

“I guess we’ll find out.”  She began to play.

The cardigan wearing Swifties slowed their pace, then stopped in their tracks.

Lizzo turned back to the group and smiled while she played the flute.

“OH YEAH!”  Kanye’s fan held his hand up to get a high-five.  Everyone left him hanging.  Finally, Kymmie ran over and gave him a high-five.  “You ARE superheroes!”  Kanye’s fan shouted out.  Kymmie gave Stan a second look.  Their eyes met for a moment then they both looked away.  The hint of a smile formed on Kymmie’s lips.

“I can’t believe she had a flute in there.  Teeny tiny purse… A FLUTE!”  Kymmie said to Stan in disbelief.  She took a step closer to him.

“I KNOW!  SOOO COOOL!  THIS IS SOOO COOL!!!”  He screamed excitedly.  The same smile now on his lips.

@taylorswift