#outside of my adhd meds i am on TWO anti depressants

[actual-changeling]

fun fact for those who don't know: there's a great mental illness combination my psychiatrist literally refers to as "double depression" which basically means that i am chronically depressed and then ON TOP OF THAT i get even worse depressive episodes. a lovely relationship between of dysthymia and MDD.

no highs, only low and lower. psychologists should want to study me under a microscope with all the shit i have going on

[threenorth]

It's raining outside my window the pitter patter on the shed outside, the drip of the rain off the roof.

I look inside the heart of the writer, he's a little confused with life, it seems we're both facing discrimination and it's a real pain, she seems to be a watering can to my mental flower.

You watered my soul.

It's like you could of said something else, but you didn't, you used the most perfect amount to make me fall for you even more than I already am.

I wonder what you'll say if I herd your voice, I wonder if I can make you laugh,

I wonder if I'm reday, for that.

It sounds stupid but you make even the rain easier to cope with.

I asked the man in the chair about anti depressants he said he's probably the drop off from the adhd meds, and I will be picking up some long acting ones, in the constant state of less axeity then before, but still in a place I'd rather not be, I look how quickly I can come back state side, and I'm not sure when but it's better than yesterday, I look at houses on zillow and day dream our little cabin for writing but living somewhere like Renton where the rent isn't so bad on two salary's,

[alluringoneirataxia]

Long Winding Road Stay Strapped My Dude

By: Astoria Cathryn Andromeda

Alrighty, this is a long one boys. So I touched briefly on this in my Welcome to Literally Everything post. No worries I'll recap you, so you don't have to switch back and forth. I just diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder, and then ADHD when I was 18 years old, and even then I had to fight for it after countless hours of research. See, there seems to be a wee bit of misogyny in the neurodiverse diagnoses. When I say a wee bit, I mean that scientists used to think that only boy could be autistic or ADHD. They only studied autism in males. Fortunately, nowadays we know that girls can be autistic and/or ADHD, but we present the traits differently than boys, and a lot of our traits are played off due to gender roles in society. For example, being overly talkative in girls is called chatty, whereas boys who can't sit still are sent off for testing immediately. This also causes problems for the boys, because little Johnny gets put on Adderall at the ripe age of 6 years old, just because he can't sit still for 8 hours straight, which by the way should not be expected of any elementary school kid, By the time, he's 25 he's 1) completely dependent on amphetamines 2) his body will stop producing dopamine due to being on the medication for so long. Nicht Gut. Generally, boys who are on the spectrum get picked out earlier due to late speaking, or lack of social skills. This is the one thing that girls happen to do better than boys. Girls are good at masking, which is basically taking social traits, phrases, personalities, demeanor, and copying them. In public, they put on a mask and at home, they have a meltdown. Girls are still not picked up as being on the spectrum, because shyness is called being 'ladylike' and 'dainty', and having a meltdown is just because :( girls are oh-so emotional, boohoo. Anyways tons of women do not get diagnosed with autism until they are well into their adulthood, I actually can be considered lucky to have technically still been a teenager when we finally got all the pieces together.

Alright, let's start with I don't know me as a baby. I did not speak until I was 2 years old, and then it was immediately full sentences from then on. I didn't do the babbling thing, which I don't know how impactful that really is to the topic. I was a very shy little girl. I was teeny tiny, we didn't know I if I was going to make it to 5 feet tall until I had a big growth spurt in 7th grade. I am 5'2 now and definitely done growing in case you were wondering, so not that short anymore. I did not like talking to adults, especially strangers, especially men. I did not look anyone in the face, and I will always hide behind my parent's legs when they would try to introduce me to people. I am an only child, and I spent a lot of time entertaining myself. I always had seasonal affective disorder, where my grades would dip in the winter. My parents knew I had a timer, they had 45 minutes from the moment they stepped into a restaurant before I would start breaking down. If I got off schedule as a toddler in any form, it was a catastrophe. Or this is what my parents and family tell me. I didn't really notice. I did not like being out in public a lot, I was a very picky eater, and I was extremely hyper. I was a very eccentric child, I only had 1-2 close friends and they were always a very well-liked outgoing girl who I just followed around. Looking back, I don't know how we missed it. I was shy because I didn't understand how social interactions worked, I was anxious about it because I didn't understand, I had sensory overloads, routines, and a very bland diet with a safe food which was ketchup. I put that shit on literally everything, eas, apples, mac and cheese, pizza, all meat, anything something forced me to eat that I did not like. But because I could sit still in class, and because I could zone out and daydream all day through school and still make A's nobody ever flagged me for anything and how I was supposed to know that not everybody just copied other people, scripted things before they talked, and could never pay attention. My mom always required me to be in a sport, and I was a gymnast and a swimmer for a long time, two very high-intensity sports, to help lower my energy levels, and because my mom has mild depression and she knows that exercise does help. Skip to middle school, my mom tells me I'm being bullied at church. It's not that I wasn't observing my surroundings I knew I was being excluded, but I didn't understand vindictive behavior, I thought it was my fault. I had zero friends in 8th grade until I sat down next to a random acqutaince I had gone to school with since I was 4 and the same gymnastics place. Then we were immediately attached at the hip after that. She is my best friend due this day and definitely got me through high school. Led me through so many social situations without either of us knowing. I had a very close friendgroup in highschool, all of them were on the drumline which I met through my best friend, and my first boyfriend was my best friend's neighbor. I ended up playing bass guitar for my high school's indoor drumline, and it was the best experience ever. I love my friends, but I had really bad depression when I was 15-now:) jk It's better. I didn't really realize I was depressed, I just didn't want to go to school, or swim practice, or do anything so of course, my mom noticed, and then once it was pointed out to me it got worse. My severe anxiety spiraled with my depression. Senior year of high school, my boyfriend and I were like toxic star crossed lovers, hurting each other over and over again without meaning to. My friends and I were self harming, all my close friends gad some demon going on. I finally decided to try therapy again after the disaster of being forced to go when I was 15 and the lady told me I wasn't depressed because I had a boyfriend and good grades. It helped a bit, I was able to get my panic attacks under control. Then I went away to college and stayed dating my senior high school boyfriend, we were just up and down as always, but with slightly better communication. My freshman year of college I joined a fraternity, a research lab, and my first hs boyfriend/ex/best friend and I went to a Christian campus place. By second semester, I had a lot of people who knew me and talked to me, but I didn't have any close friends, and even less close friends who were girls. All my close friends who were girls were at another college. My parents were worried about me, so they made me rush a sorority, which I knew was never my scene, but my parents made me join and I found a few girls I liked. Soon I was going to 6 classes, fraternity chapter, research lab meetings, christain crash group meetings, soriorty pledge meetings all on every Tuesday. I was different person at each of these events and wore a different mask. I was having what I know now were autistic burnout meltdowns every single day on the phone in my crusty dorm's stairwell. It was not cute. His mental health had always been bad too. Finally I decide I need to try a psychatrist and go back to therapy, and then he broke up with me. Then I made my first close friend, a guy who was in 3 of classes, and I took him to my fraternity's formal, and then coronavirus happened.  Rona kinda saved my grades, and mental health by sending us home event though it did suck. I got on anti-anxiety meds and things went up, but I was still having what I thought were panic attacks, they were austistic meltdowns. My psychiatrist, he's kinda an asshole, he diagnosed me with Obessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. I'll insert definition here: (OCPD) is a personality disorder that's characterized by extreme perfectionism, order, and neatness. People with OCPD will also feel a severe need to impose their own standards on their outside environment.> Basically hr told me I had rules for everything like how everyone drives on the right side of the road, but nobodythinks about it andwhen I broke one of my rules I got depressed, and when wasn't perfect I got depressed, and when I made an A I was relieved not proud. The diagnosis seemed to fit really well, and my therapist and I started working finding my rules, and getting rid of the bad ones, and making the others less harsh. I had thought every once and in a while in my life when I was really upset, what if I'm on the spectrum, because I just felt so hopeless for social interactions and I didn't understand. I always felt like I was a very specific person, but after the ocpd I started thinking more and more, and I saw a tik tok of a girl with lae diagnosed autism basically describing me and ranting about the misogyny. I did more research and I decide, yea I'mm gonna bring it up to mypsychatrist well he's a dick, so he was like um you don't act like sheldon cooper from the Big Bang theory,and I was like wellI just I have always thought I might have adhd like be neureodiverse, and he was like your grade point average in hs was a 97.8%, you're not adhd. I immediately cried, because I can't handle when anyone says anything in a even a slightest stringent tone. I'm baby, I know lmao. It made me angry though because I felt like he just brushed away all of my struggles I had in my whole life. I spent hours researching and typed up a 47 page document on evidence for why I was on the spectrum, and had my parents help will some of checklists to make sure I was getting outside perspectives. I rally my parents to be my back up and next psychiatrist appointment we actually talk about it and he asked my parents questions about when I was young and such and finally he was okay you're on the spectrum. I felt so validated and like I could start being myself. I slowly got more and more confident, changed my style of clothing, and researched more about adhd pushed to be tested, and oh look at that I also have ADHD. So basically discourse: "I feel like as a child I coded a machine to do life for me so I didn’t get bothered except I didn’t know about the machine I thought i was the machine and now I’ve become self aware and I have to learn how to read the code and rewrite the code because it’s dysfunctional because I’m not functioning well as a human being. I was really shy as a child. I would turn beat red when people talked to me or looked at me so I think I started cookie cutting situations and using them over and over again because they worked until I accidentally hard wired these expansion rules and expectations for myself. I didn’t may attention is class ever I just day dreamed and if I got good grades i wouldn’t be bothered i could just stay in my head and if I did my sport well my parents didn’t bother me. I was never asked if I did my homework I just did it so I wouldn’t be asked and have to deal with that situation. I would cookie cutter situations in class that would draw the least attention to myself.

I feel like i don’t have friends I just fulfill the expectation like a side quest on video games" I wrote this down pre autism confirmation when i just thought I had ocpd. Now I don't directly identify with ocpd, but I definitely think I developed that personality disorder a bit from living with undiagnosed autism. I am linking below the very informative Tik Toks by the lovely Paige on autism in girls. The imposter syndrome one really hit home. I had had so many panic attacks about thinking I tricked people into being my friend, or thinking I was smart.

I highly suggest watching these short tik toks, you'll definitely learn something

https://vm.tiktok.com/wVvcYA/

https://vm.tiktok.com/wqRRUf/

https://vm.tiktok.com/wnqhvX/

https://vm.tiktok.com/wqeyYg/

https://vm.tiktok.com/wnoE7u/

https://vm.tiktok.com/Kas6gB/

https://vm.tiktok.com/owM9hs/

Imposter syndrome

I am also linking an article about Sheldon Cooper from Big Bang Theory and Autism that explains why my psychiatrist was wrong, and also I am a girl and the spectrum is called a spectrum because it's a fucking spectrum no two autistic people are exactly the same it's like a color wheel.

http://www.autismsupportnetwork.com/news/problem-sheldon-cooper-and-cute-autism-387783

Here is a fun comic about the spectrum and how to view it.

https://the-art-of-autism.com/understanding-the-spectrum-a-comic-strip-explanation/

I am still learning about myself, and how to be me, and how to be myself but without breaking bad social rules. It's quite humorous though because I'll learn something is related to autism and I'm like oh shit again, like still, like, we're still discovering things.

"Tu ne me manques pas"

Bis später,

Astoria.

[iluxia]

This mug is trending in my hospital right now. Legit it's more popular than me. I am sharing it this morning, post-shift and full of matcha latte, as a part of my effort in fulfilling my civic & professional duty of getting you all to just

                              GET THE DAMN FLU SHOT!!!

If you have insurance, it will be free somewhere (CVS, Walgreens, the grocery store, or your doctor’s office if you haven’t done anything that prevents you from showing your face there). If you don't have insurance, vaccinefinder.org can get you to somewhere that won't cost you an arm and a leg. Alternatively, here is a table of how much it'll cost you at the usual places in the US for the quadrivalent formulation as an uninsured consumer.

As for my vaccine spiel: I’m sure you’ve read all the articles swimming around in media about this, so I won’t go into the usual why’s. (Yes, for those outside of the USA, here people debate about something as elementary as why should we vaccinate.) I will, however, pull apart a few excuses anti-vaxxers use as shields, excuses I have personally heard before. (Full disclosure, I am a physician.)

"The flu shot makes people sick immediately after vaccination because the vaccine introduces the flu virus into the body, so it actually impedes the immune system from working properly! It doesn’t work!”

This shows very poor to non-existent understanding of how vaccination & the immune system works. The flu vaccine contains inactive, dead virus parts. It introduces your immune system to what the virus looks like; remember the third Harry Potter movie, where they posted pictures of Sirius Black the Death Eater Fugitive on pamphlets to warn the wizarding world about him so they know what he looks like? It’s exactly that. The faster the immune system can recognize an intruder, the faster it can kill it.

“The flu shot has other ingredients in it (like mercury) that cause various side effects from depression and memory loss to cardiovascular disease, ADHD, and autism.”

The flu vaccine used to contain a preservative called thimerosal (ethyl mercury), which is NOT the same as methyl mercury (the toxic kind). Let’s review a little chem here, as painful as those long-buried memories are. Thimerosal is a stable preservative that has been in use in tons of things since the 1920s. There is more mercury in breastmilk than there is in a single flu shot, guys.

A dude named Andrew Wakefield and a few of his buddies published a whack case series in the Lancet in 1998 suggesting that the MMR (measles, mumps, rubella) vaccine, preserved using thimerosal, predisposed behavioral regression & developmental disorders in children. But the sample size was 12 patients. Twelve. That is negligibly tiny. Obviously they didn’t do their power calcs. And it was a case series - the least reliable type of research you can publish because a case series is anecdotal. Their “data” did not show strong correlation between the MMR vaccine and autism; indeed, their analytical model wasn’t even constructed to examine that hypothesis. Multiple epidemiological studies followed hot on the heels of this paper, refuting its wild claims, but the damage was done & the publicity was already on fire. It sparked a huge anti-vaxxer movement that is responsible, frankly speaking, for the recurrence of eradicated diseases such as measles, which is deadly to little children. [ You can read more about this whole debacle here. ] It was all about the MMR vaccine at first, but “MMR” disappeared and eventually it became “all vaccines cause autism.” This is what happens when you combine poor health education, an irresponsible publishing journal, and an immoral media. The Lancet only formally withdrew this paper from publication in Feb 2010. To this day, I find it difficult to trust the Lancet.

The studies that came after Wakefield’s stupid one all refuted Wakefield’s claims with stronger data, proper analyses, systematic reviews, and actual fucking power calcs, like actual fucking researchers.

Finally, we don’t even fully understand autism. How can you definitely claim that one specific thing can cause it? Remember: correlation =/= causation.

“The CDC promotes flu vaccines because they have financial ties & get kickbacks from Big Pharma. It’s all big business. The flu vaccine doesn’t work.”

Bars and clubs will promote alcohol to you because they get kickbacks from the breweries. It’s all big business. Does that mean that the alcohol doesn’t work?

Why are you okay giving Big Pharma your money for vitamins you don’t really need (most people don’t really need multivitamins, it just makes your pee expensive) but you can’t give them money for life-saving, pandemic-fighting vaccines that COST LESS?

And since we’re talking about business, you should know that vaccines are actually not profitable for pharmaceutical companies, because they have to make entirely new batches EVERY. SINGLE. YEAR. The overheads on that must cost $$$$, I mean, they have to pay the researchers a living wage, and it takes months to make the vaccines. Come on, we all know the real money is made with ridiculously expensive life-saving medications such as insulin and the EpiPen. Duh.

Health is worth more than money, honey. Spend a day in a hospital hooked up to a ventilator with tubes coming out of every orifice and you will never deny this.

“I still get sick after the flu shot. It doesn’t work for me.”

The flu has various strains every year, and the vaccine is only made with the strains they (the researchers) predict will be the most widely distributed across a certain population. It involves a lot of statistics. Does this mean that you should skip the shot? No. Statistically, your chances of getting the most virulent, widely distributed strain is HIGHER than your chances of getting a different strain the vaccine isn’t made with. That statistics course really matters, you know.

Yes, you get a different type of flu vaccine depending on where you are in the world. The northern & southern hemispheres get different vaccine formulations because they typically get different strains. This is also why a flu strain from, say, southern China or India is fucking TERRIFYING for Europe or the US, because we likely will not have any immunity to that shit. (And vice versa.)

The flu virii evolve every year. They get more virulent, more adaptable, and more insidious every time. And do you know how they evolve? Because some asshole somewhere had partial/augmented immunity and the virus evolves under these conditions. This asshole was sick with a different strain of the flu before, but doesn’t believe in the flu shot, so he doesn’t get the one issued this year. He then gets maybe mildly sick with the new flu strain, while his wife is still sick with the previous flu strain he carried. The two strains are exposed to each other and under these conditions, the virus can evolve by mutation or genetic reassortment. Cross-exposure to other viral strains (antigenic drift) is a mechanism for viral variation & results in newer, deadlier strains that both partially immune people (infected before with other strains) AND vaccinated people cannot fight off. Then it spreads to their kid, who spreads it at the daycare, and those kids give it to their parents, who spread it at work... this, folks, is how you get an epidemic.

Vaccination really only works to eliminate a disease when you unilaterally vaccinate the entire population across the board. (As best as you can, anyway.) The vaccine will never work 100% - there is always a margin of error - but if you cover the entire population, your margin becomes more acceptable. Whereas if only some people get vaccinated, then you open up chances for viral mutation.

By the way, you might FEEL sick immediately after the flu shot, but you aren’t sick. That’s your immune system sucking your entire body dry of resources, making your muscles ache & giving you fatigue as it revs up & prepares brand new antibodies for this new virus. This takes a toll on your body, but you can combat the “sick” feeling by exercising lightly, hydrating very well, eating clean, and getting some sleep. 

“My child already has a disease that lowers their immune system. If I give them the shot, that’ll completely deplete their remaining reserve. They might get a different infection and die!”

Again, a poor understanding of immune biology. 100% wrong. I give flu vaccines to immunodeficient patients with HIV, transplant patients who are taking immunosuppressants, and patients who are taking meds like Humira (immunosuppressing side effect). In fact, I prioritize the vaccine for them. They, above everyone else, need to be prepared for the coming strains of flu. I am giving their immune system time to prepare. - Of course I will monitor them closely & take appropriate precautions to prevent them from contracting other infections. I’ll support their physiological needs while they convalesce. But immunosuppression is no excuse. (That being said, have a conversation with your physician. Dosing, type, and timing of the vaccine can vary depending on your individual situation & condition.)

“Evidence now suggests that ingredients in flu shots can actually cause serious neurological disorders, like Guillain-Barre syndrome or similar neuromuscular diseases thought to be of autoimmune origin.”

In 1976, the CDC published that there was a risk of Guillain-Barre syndrome happening after a patient got a flu vaccine IF they have had the swine flu vaccine before. The risk was calculated to be 1 in 100,000 people who got the swine flu vaccine. The Institute of Medicine (IOM) did a scientific review on this issue in 2003 and concluded that the people who got the swine flu vaccine in 1976 were at increased risk, but otherwise, there has been no significant change or increase since then. Did you get the swine flu vaccine in 1976? No? Okay, go get the flu shot.

It is true that there have been observed cases where neuromuscular disorders like Guillain-Barre or chronic inflammatory demyelinating polyneuropathy (CIDP) seems to be triggered, or occur after the patient gets the vaccine. We don’t fully understand how or why. I have treated these patients (they are relatively rare, I see maybe 1-2 every year) and they recover well provided competent care at a good hospital. Look out for research on this, but until we definitively know a causative link, it’s foolish to skip a perfectly safe, proven, and highly recommended vaccine to avoid a very narrow “maybe.”

If you have questions, guys, I will answer. Drop me an ask or PM me. But please, please spread the word and get vaccinated. 

If you get scared or doubt your decision to get the shot, remember that the only reason we are not all dead from smallpox (it was an epidemic) and cholera (a pandemic) and rabies (from all your pets) and typhoid (also a pandemic) and the fucking black plague is because of that 5ml of liquid in that tiny little syringe.

Vaccines do not cause autism. Vaccines cause adults.

GET. THE. SHOT.

[mrneglesworth]

Chase Within

Happiness First

Helping People Help Themselves

I have always tried to place a lot of focus on my own personal mind. My intentions and reality haven’t always matched up very well. I have learned that is ok. My thinking noodle, my brain, my mind. My feelings and emotions. The balance of emotions and thoughts and actions make up my well-being. I try to be purposeful with my actions based on the thought/emotion balance. My actions, however, haven’t always matched my reality. 

I have ADHD. I also have blue eyes and all ten toes. My left pinky toe is a hammer toe though. I don’t know if it’s the end of the chain or beginning of my tight neck, shoulders, and back. But my ADHD, it’s a lot like my back  pain. You can’t see it, but it plays a large role in my life. It is a constant driving force for my behavior and emotions. I am 33 years old and was diagnosed in 2020 with ADHD. Before that I was misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder type two in 2019, which is a very common occurrence. I took a mood stabilizer, an anti-depressant, and eventually a sleeping pill due to these wrong medications messing me up more than I already was. 

I eventually changed therapists and she helped quickly get to the bottom of my situation. I stopped taking the BP medications and started out just trying new behavior modifications and grounding techniques, my regular therapy, more exercise, more water. But ADHD was still in control of the steering wheel of my life. I was afraid to try the traditional stimulant meds most commonly prescribed for ADHD. I have had pretty severe back pain since an 8th grade trampoline accident that I never sought true help for. I have always been afraid of ever trying traditionally abused pills and harder drugs.  I just started smoking pot at the same time as this accident and it helped unknowingly with my ADHD symptoms and back pain simultaneously. Pot helped in the same way that someone who needs glasses and has them, but they just aren’t the correct prescription. My reality was still foggy due to the internal chatter of the ADHD symptoms I experience. 

ex: All of my education was a struggle. from kindergarten until I dropped out of college. The amount of energy required for me to be a C student is more than it should take. More than for most people. And when I became overwhelmed with this reality I would do a few things to “help” . Sleep, smoke, or do things that were risky. Skateboard and try things that were way above my level resulting in me usually getting hurt, For sleep, it didn’t matter if I was at home, a friends, or in school. Some how I managed to get by with most of my teachers not bothering me on my bad days and allowed me to just put my head down all through class. I also had very long hair that was usually in my face regardless so I could be sitting up and half asleep, too. I smoked pot before school, a lot of times during school, on my way home from school, and up until I went to sleep. 

I don’t become angry when I realize how different my life could have been if i had been diagnosed much earlier in life, and that would have probably been great I’m sure. But despite my hardships and “lost” time, I wouldn’t change it now even if I could. You see, I don’t enjoy solitude naturally. I love people and all that life has to offer. IF I had received that early diagnoses as a kid and finished school well, and graduated college I wouldn’t have this passion to want to help other people who struggle alone like I did my whole life. You may see my life from an outsiders point of view and it may not seem that bad. And it’s not. I love my life. But here’s the key ingredient. Potential. I’ve been operating at 50% or 60%  of my potential. 

Three days ago I gave up the fears and spoke with my therapist and have started taking Adderall. From day one of starting that medication, I have been steadily feeling like I am gaining back that lost potential. My mind is starting to do what I ask of it. My emotions are becoming regulated and significantly less overwhelming and downright enjoyable. I’m not being triggered from over stimulus into near panic attacks. I am recognizing shifts in my emotions and able to pause and see where the change came from to check it’s validity or not. If I choose to sit with an emotion now, it is because I decided to, not because my body is out of control. 

From here I can only go up and I hope to bring as many of you with me. This story isn’t over, come on back now!

Side note: ADHD is genetic and a person is born with it. It is a neurodevelopmental disorder of our brains. We lack the neurotransmitters norepinephrine and dopamine. Boys and girls can have it and it doesn’t look the same in every person. So don’t neglect the signs if your kid is struggling. And many many adults are walking around with ADHD unknowingly just barley surviving. Reach out, you just may help someone out of the gutter

[fraddit]

My recent experience with depression, anxiety, and ADHD

I figured I would make a post about this, because I know that at least a few of my mutuals are dealing with some or all of these things themselves and might find this helpful.  Who knows?  Very long, very personal, but mostly positive post under the cut.  Like, really, more information than you probably ever wanted to know about me and my problems.  Proceed, if you feel so inclined.

First, a brief history, for context.  Throughout elementary and high school, I consistently scored in the 99th percentile on standardized tests.  Then, I almost flunked out of high school, barely got my diploma, took a year off, and started art school college for an animation English degree.  I was going to write novels.  After a year or two of that, I decided I could write without a degree, so I dropped out.  What followed was a decade of several strangely varied and unrelated jobs and no novel writing. Working a stable corporate gig while not accomplishing (or even pursuing) any of my personal creative goals was DESTROYING MY SOUL.  So, I quit my job to become a full-time student and finish my degree, because at least that was kind of in the same universe as actually being creative.  And now, a year or two later, here I am, 32 and a few semesters away from finally finishing that English degree.  Clearly brains won’t get you everywhere kids.

I was diagnosed with ADHD at age 7 and was on some form of medication until sometime in high school, when I decided I didn’t want to take it anymore, for reasons I won’t bother getting into.  It never occurred to me to even consider medication again until this semester, when everything fell apart.

ADHD can impact a person in a multitude of ways.  For me, the biggest impact is probably executive function issues.  I can wander through the garden of my ideas all day long.  I cannot make myself sit down and do work, no matter how much I may want to.  For personal goals, that means a literal solid decade of zero accomplishment.  For school, that means procrastinating papers until the night before or morning of or sometimes even two weeks late, on the night before the professor has to turn in their grades.  And the level of personal effort it took to make myself write that two-week-late paper was herculean in measure, when it really should not have been.

I’ve since learned that many professionals suspect this very common procrastination habit of ADHD folks is actually a kind of self-medicating by way of adrenaline via stress response.  Which sounds entirely plausible to me, because every semester since I’ve been back at school, I’ve found myself pushing the risky boundaries of procrastination further and further, like a drug addict needing a higher dose to get a fix.  A very unsustainable and unhappy process all around.

Which brings me to this semester, when the wheels finally fell off the car, and one of the campus psychologists found me crying on a bench outside the counseling center because they were closed for lunch and meetings, and I didn’t know where else to go.  I couldn’t do any of my homework, was crying every day, and having panic attacks.  To put it simply, I was a fucking mess.

I made more appointments at the counseling center, I spoke with my professors about what I was going through (hello more panic attacks), and for the first time in over a decade, I remembered that there are medications I should maybe try, and I made an appointment to see the psychiatrist at the campus medical clinic.  (Also, guys, if any of you are students, look into your campus resources.  There’s support for everything at my school.  There’s even an office that’s only there to help guide students to all the other support options.  Seriously, mental health, child care, food, housing, you name it.  Get the help you need.)

When I explained everything I had been going through, the very nice psychiatrist at the clinic told me, with an unsettling degree of alarm in her voice, that I was “deeply depressed”. Which, I knew, but she really sounded shockingly concerned.  And it’s like, jeeze, I maybe didn’t realize just how bad things had gotten, because I was just living with this shit every day, so it was kind of ‘normal’ for me.

Anyway, she agreed to start me on meds for my ADHD.  The one I’ve been taking is called Vyvanse.  I started on the lowest dose and have been gradually increasing.  A month in, I’m at a dose where I can clearly tell a difference, and it’s having a noticeable impact.  I wrote a meta yesterday.  I was thinking the thoughts, and just sat down and wrote it.  This morning, I got up and wrote some more, just notes for future things to do, but I did it.  Fuck, I’m writing this fucking thing right now.

I thought that maybe I should write this shit out, and it took a little while sitting and getting my momentum going, but now I’ve written 800 1300 1650 words.  And I’m sitting here actually crying as I type this paragraph, because this small little thing is like the biggest fucking thing in my life.

I don’t have any way to accurately explain what a big deal it is for me to have actively decided to write something and then to have actually actively produced content of my own volition and design, that wasn’t assigned to me and didn’t have a due date or a grade attached.  And, that I’ve done it repeatedly now…

OVER TEN YEARS.  Over ten years I went, writing almost nothing. Might as well have been zero words. Guys, I’ve been walking around with a trilogy of speculative fiction novels in my head for over ten years, I’ve been planning another unrelated novel for the last two.  I’ve been planning something like 30 fanfics, across two fandoms, and another 20 metas for the past year.  Part of me probably assumed feared that none of that would ever see the light of day. But now, it suddenly feels like maybe I’ll actually manage to write some of it.  And I’m hoping like fuck that it’s not just a fluke.

Now, the ADHD meds aren’t the only thing I’ve been doing to contribute to this ‘good place’ I’m in currently.  I’ve been going to counseling.  Apparently, I have a lot of negative feelings about myself and my inability to accomplish jack shit for a whole decade.  Who would’ve guessed?  I also have weekly sessions with the disabilities accessibility team at my university to work on external methods for dealing with my executive function issues. (Again, if you’re a student, utilize your university resources.  You’re already paying for them with tuition.)  And, this is obviously not an option for everyone, but even before I started the ADHD meds, I took advantage of the fact that I live in a state where certain botanical products are easily and legally available and found a brand of gummies that really help with my anxiety and panic attacks.  (They’re high cbd, low thc, so calming and don’t make you high.)

So far, the meds aren’t 100% sunshine and rainbows.  With the dose I’m at right now, where I’ve been Getting Things Done, I can actively feel the drug, which is… not the greatest.  I feel jittery, vaguely anxious, like I’ve drank way too much coffee but worse.  And, the decreased appetite is something I really have to be vigilant about, because I don’t have any room to lose weight.  These were both known possible side effects of stimulant meds, so I wasn’t surprised, and perhaps the doctor and I will be able to fine tune the dosing or try another med or something.  But right now, I think I’m really leaning toward, I’ll put up with the side effects, because holy shit, I can finally actually do what I want to do.  Also, I think (and Nice Doctor Lady thinks) the new higher dose is having a positive, stabilizing impact on my mood.

I guess my reason for writing all of this, other than pure catharsis, is to say, if you’re dealing with shit like this, try to be willing to consider all your options.  For whatever reason, I didn’t think about trying medication for my condition.  It wasn’t even like I was anti-meds or something.  I just didn’t even think about it.  Not until a few months back, when I sent a random ask to an ADHD blog on here, asking how they managed to make themselves write, and they responded with I had to get medication.  Suddenly, it was like… why have I not been considering this option?  So, this story is for anyone else out there that maybe also hadn’t thought to consider this option.

And really, not just the medication.  I’m a hide behind walls, overly independent, do things on my own, never ask for help sort of person.  But, I guess I finally reached a level of desperation where I was like, Clearly, doing this by myself, my way, has not gotten me the results I want.  So, fuck it, I’m going to ask for help from every professional available to me.  Which, I’m very lucky, and currently have ready access to multiple resources in a way not everyone does, but being open to getting this much assistance is very new territory for me.

I’m not really sure how best to wrap this up.  If anyone actually read all of this, I’m astonished and… Hi, I guess?  You really know quite a bit about me now.  Hopefully, I haven’t scared anyone off.  And, if anybody has further questions about any of this or you want to talk about your own issues, I’m sincerely available for that. I think the world we live in today makes it too easy to feel completely alone, even when you’re surrounded by people, and I’m here for chats, if you need it.

[goosegoblin]

My year in selfies! From left to right, top to bottom:

January: Konrad and I in the pub on my birthday :) 

February: I took this picture after the NHS confirmed I could start getting ADHD meds through them- no more having to spend £250+ per prescription! I’ve finally got a good med regime this year and I’m very grateful for it.

March: Konrad and I at the Wildfowl and Wetlands centre in London! Our day was so good that we instantly bought membership. I’d love to work for WWT one day.

April: Me f.t. echidnas in Healesville Sanctuary, Melbourne. We got to feed them from these tiny cups with insect paste and it was AMAZING. My trip to Australia with my family & K was definitely the highlight of the year.

May: Me at the National Pet Show in London! I have a lovely lizard friend on my shoulder. It was a great day. A chicken did poo on Konrad, but he was cool about it. 

June: Me handing in my dissertation and completing my undergrad (note the greasy hair and dead eyes). I was able to get a 2:1 overall, which I’m still pretty damn pleased with. It’s not a 1st, but I couldn’t have gotten one without a lot of things being different. I’m okay with that.

July: Konrad and I outside The Smiler at Alton Towers. It’s an amazing theme park and I had a great two days there. I think I still prefer Thorpe Park a tiny bit, but that’s just because I sold my soul to Nemesis Inferno a while back.

August: A very blurry shot of me heading to my friend’s Pride party! I was the most rainbow-y by far and I was very pleased with myself. This is the year I finally accepted I’m probably bi, and I’m enjoying being annoying a.f. about it. Konrad’s accident was a week or so after this, so it was very weird for me to look back at how colourful and happy we’d been. I can look at it now without feeling anything bad, though, which is nice!

September: Konrad and I went crabbing at the beach! It was lovely to have a day out together after the horribleness of August. We did not successfully catch a single crab, but we had a good time trying. 

October: K and I at our friend’s burlesque party. He spent so much time trying to curl his moustache perfectly, and I am literally wearing lingerie. It was weird to be that chill with my body- I remember stressing about having to wear a skirt or shorts. 

November: Me and the puppy I’m currently taking care of (as a dog walker/ petsitter, not my own!). His name is Harry and he sometimes behaves himself. Sometimes.

December: Konrad and I at our friend’s party last night! We had a really lovely time drinking and playing games and sneaking away to make out in the bathroom like we were sixteen. That was the first time I’ve ever been to an NYE party for a couple of reasons, and I really liked it. 

and my hair went brown -> brown and pink -> brown and orange (not pictured) -> brown and blue -> brown and purple (too dark to see), which is actually like... the least colour changes I’ve done in a year lmao

Anyway: it’s been a mostly great year. I finished uni, hit my three year anniversary with Konrad, finally got an anti-depressant that didn’t fill me with bone-crushing fatigue, visited some great zoos, got to go to Australia, spent some great time with friends and picked up some new hobbies. It hasn’t been all good- in particular, in August, Konrad was in a road accident that left him with a TBI. He spent two weeks in hospital and it was a really really awful time. I somehow got through it without cutting or drinking or restricting, which I’m proud of. He ended up more-or-less making a full recovery, and we moved into a little flat together in the south of England near my parents. I’m now studying for a Masters in Applied Zoo Biology, and he’s looking for full-time work.

Life is good.

[ecotone99]

[SF] End of Days

Is it Day 430 or is it 431 ? I don’t remember anymore . I don’t even recognize myself as I look at my reflection in the dirty mirror. My Beard long and over grown. Circles under my eyes darker then ever. But my necklaces. Still silver given to me by my parents. My Parents. My Family. I think about them all the time I hope they made it out alright. It all happened so fast but now The days seem to blend together. The bottles in the sink are empty . My medicine . it’s kept me sane for many years. At 13 I was diagnosed with anxiety, depression, ADHD, and OCD. I’m basically a human acronym. I’ve battled this for most of my life but nothings prepared me for this. I haven’t been off my meds for longer then 2 days. It’s currently day 20. I’m slowly losing touch with reality. But No one can know . I can’t let them know. I’m the leader .

I hear a knock on the door.

Are you ready to go - Maria says as she pokes her head in

Yes one second - I reply

Maria and her daughter lucia are my sanity. They keep me going. Since the day I met them I promised I would keep them safe at any cost.

As I leave my room and walk through the house I kiss Maria goodbye and get into the old pick up truck parked outside

This is Risky . I don’t like this - JR Says as we drive.

I know but we’ve been scouting this for weeks, it’s a quick in and out. Get what we can and get out. We don’t want to get caught at night - I respond

Well hell I’ve been waiting to kill some of these zombies for a while now- Ricky Says as he cocks his gun

Calm down killer that’s not the only thing we have to look out of for, I saw a few bikers in the area a few days ago - Jr warns us

*The bikers. Gangs of bikers took over soon after society broke down. Killing , robbing, you name it. They work with the big community’s to keep them afloat . Selling drugs , Guns , Women, Children. They are worse then the dead. They are Ruthless .

We finally drive up to the strip mall. We are here for one reason. The Pharmacy. Possibly the last one for 20 miles.

The spoils of valhalla await - Ricky’s says as we sit in the trunk and watch the dead slowly approach us.

Calm down Thor . No guns unless we have to , can’t spare the bullets. We get this score and we can make our move to willstown.- I say

And that means we are one step closer to safety - Jr says cheerfully

*** safety. A repurposed cruise ship transporting Us Survivors to the US embassy in London. We first heard the broadcast while we were at the farm. The voice said they come every 3 months on the first of the month at the crack of dawn to Bayonne New Jersey at the port. They stay for two hours and then take off.

Safety oooo sweet safety, we heard that broadcast once at the farm and that was almost three months ago. It’s been radio silence since then. You want us to risk our lives on a pipe dream - Ricky mocks JR

Who thought the jersey shore would be the last safe spot in the county - Jr laugh

Enough. Let’s keep it focused. let’s get in and out - I say sternly

We Get out of the car. And walk to the front of the pharmacy. Jr Stabs a zombie in the head and Ricky kills another .

The Doors are locked

Damn - I say under my breath

I got it - Ricky says as he takes a Bobby pin out of his pocket and picks the lock.

Bingo ! Ricky says as he opens the door.

We Walk into the Pharmacy and it’s untouched. I’ll hit the medicine. Ricky first aid and supplies . Jr batteries anything like that we need a lot - I say as we spread out through the aisles

The only thing moving in the store besides us is the dust that’s been gathering for 431 days.

I reach the back of the store and find all the medicine and start putting bottles of Pills into my bad

Xanax . OxyContin , percasets , antibiotics. Just what the doctor ordered.

Pills and bullets. The new currency. The dollar bill isn’t worth much now a days Here Thor, for your troubles - I say as I toss Ricky a Bottle of pain pills

To the victor goes the spoils - Ricky smirks as he opens the bottle and swallows A pill.

I roll my eyes and get back to looking through the bottles.

I stumble upon the anti depressants. Perfect

I only get a few bottles before I hear motorcycle engines getting closer and closer Shit, get down -JR whispers

Everyone behind here now- I say as I motion to the them to get behind the pharmacy counter Look what we got here some fresh meat. - the bikers laugh as they cut down some of the dead and walk up to our pick up truck.

The bikers are big, rugged, and armed with some heavy duty guns.

We got you surrounded boys come Out now. you don’t want a fight - the biker pleads to us as he peeks his head and shotgun through the open pharmacy door.

There’s about 50 feet between us and them but it feels

What’s the play here - JR says to us

The back doors locked they can’t get in through there. were gonna have to fight this one out . - I answer

I saw 5 total. 3 in the front, the other two must have went around back . - Ricky says as he peers over the counter

A few tense seconds go by as we’re trying to think of a plan but it’s too late .

That’s it times up! the biker yells as he walks in the to the store

Fuck you !!! - Ricky screams back and begins to fire.

Bullets start flying . Everyone is shooting .

Jr goes around the counter into the aisle .

We are pinned down pretty good.

I’ve been saving this for a rainy day- Ricky says as he pulls out a Gernade.

Are you insane you’ll kill us all!?!? - i exclaim

What’s life with out a little risk- he looks at me and laughs

The back and forth Shooting continues .

Bullets wiz by us

It’s happening again. My breathing is getting shallow. I’m having a panic attack. Get it together man I tell myself. It’s too late. I clench my chest with my hand Because it feels like heart is beating out of it . Hands are shaking , my vision is going in and out.

Cover me- Ricky yells as he pops up shooting

I didn’t hear him.

It all happens in slow motion, I see a bullet go right through his head as his blood splatters the untouched pill bottles on the shelves. His body drops to the ground. the grenade rolls in front of me

It’s so surreal, I’m just staring at Ricky’s Body as the blood pools around him.

Nooooo!!! - Jr screams The sheer terror and pain in His voice snap me back to reality. I pick the grenade up, pull the pin, and throw it to the front of the store.

Get down !!!!! The Biker yells

Seconds later a loud explosion.

Body parts of the living and dead fly across the pharmacy. There’s blood everywhere. The dead start coming in through the hole in the front of the building

My ears Are ringing , I’m disoriented.

I manage to get up and see the two other bikers entering through the front and they are about to move on JR .

I fire and hit both of them. They both go down screaming in pain.

Please kill me - one of the bikers says to me as I walk past him to JR. I’ve never killed a man before. Killing the dead is different. Who am I to take another mans life. I just look at him.

JR we have to go now- I say as I pick him up

We run to Rickys body, pick him up and run out the building.

Start the van NOW! I scream as I’m laying Ricky’s body in the back of the truck.

I realize I forgot the backpacks. We need these supplies. I make a run for it. Stabbing the dead in the head as they get close to me .

The dead are starting to swarm , hitting the van and consuming the dead bikers.

WE NEED TO LEAVE NOW- Jr shouts as he shoots the some of the dead trough the open drivers window.

I get the backpacks and I hear the screams from the two bikers as they are eaten alive by the dead. It’s a hard sight to watch. I make it out of the pharmacy and jump in the back of the truck and Jr drives off .We sit in silence.I try to catch my breath and process what happened. But I can’t focus. I see Ricky’s lifeless body laying next to me

Death. Something I’ve been a afraid of for the past 10 years. Something I fear everyday . My illness takes away my denial of death and it consumes my Mind . Now I am surrounded by death it’s everywhere and unavoidable. Without the medicine to keep my serotonin flowing I have to rely on myself to keep my Mind sane and today I let my guard down for a split second. my illness took over filled my body and mind with panic and fear. Because of me Ricky paid the ultimate price. I dig through my bag and find the antidepressants. I take out the pills and swallow them. Sweet nectar I say to myself . Sanity it. Should return soon.

I just stare in to the fields as we drive.** We finally make it back to camp.

Maria and josh come out to greet us . But they see the somber look on our faces

And their expressions quickly change.

We take Ricky’s body out and I can see the tears in their eyes . It’s hard on all of us.

What what happened - josh stutters .

We got Ambushed, a biker gang must have seen us and followed us in. - JR

It’s getting dark. Josh and I walk into the back and dig in silence.

It’s tough burying a good friend. Even tho it’s been a few months it felt like an eternity. I feel for josh the most he was with Ricky before all this. JR and I met them at a small survivors camp in Florida we instantly connected and we’ve been together ever since. Before we found Maria. But I’ll get into that later.

Well that’s 6ft- josh said as he put his hand over his face to wipe his brow.

I’ll get the others - mike

Maria, JR, Lucia it’s time to say goodbye- mike

Josh and I lay Ricky in the grave with a few of his belongings. His gun and a picture of him and his family.

Everyone takes turns telling stories and good memories they had . And it came to me.

Ricky , I’m sorry. I wish I could have done more. We will continue in your honor, this will not be in vain.

I could feel The heat of Jrs gaze. He was there he knows the truth. I wonder if he will say something .

Everyone goes in except for josh.

I need a minute - he says to me

I’m sorry man , take all the time you need . Get ready for tomorrow we need you sharp. - I say as I put my arm around him

We all meet in the kitchen.

We need to leave in the morning- I say to everyone.

It’s a two days drive to willstown. Once we get there we should be safe. Then we have about 5 days before the ship arrives in Bayonne. And according to this Bayonne is about 50 miles from willstown- JR says as he pulls out a map

The broadcast said they come every 3 months on the first . They that’s in 8 days. We are cutting it close - Jr says to us with concern .

I know that’s why we can’t miss this one . It was 3 months before this broadcast . We’re barely holding on as it is . It’s now or Never - I say

Mikes right, we’ve Scavenged almost every building in a 20 mile radius and the bikers are getting closer and closer . It’s time to move on - JR says

Agreed - josh

And with everything we got today and the past few weeks we should be fine - Maria says.

As Jr and josh go into their rooms. Maria put Lucia to bed and then comes into my room.

I can’t watch anymore people die - Maria cries as she puts her head on my Chest

I know. I know. But we need to make it for those we lost- I say as I try to console her.

Maris continues to cry as I rub her back and she eventually falls asleep.

I hate this . Alone with my thoughts. the meds wont kick In anytime soon . I’m stuck with my darkest thoughts until then

I’m finally drifting off to sleep.

Cover me- Ricky

Go now- mike

I lay down fire and we take out the gang .

I awake in a cold sweat. The dreams are getting more vivid every night. My brain is rotting away . I’m slowing slipping into insanity.

Michael Michael -Lucia says as she shakes me awake .

I jump up, in a cold sweat and then I see it’s Lucia, I have my pistol clenched under my pillow

What’s wrong - Lucia asks

Nothing I just had a bad dream come here sleep with your mom - I say as I put her in the bed and go to the couch.

It’s morning .

Alright alright everyone let’s go - Jr exclaims

I’m wide awake I haven’t slept at all I’m just replaying Ricky’s death in my mind.

Come on Lucia let’s get ready for an adventure- Maria

Lucia Jumps into her moms arms and they go outside .

I can’t believe we leaving - josh

I laugh .

I know this decrypted house served us well. - me

We get in the truck It’s all loaded and ready to go.

Between the 5 of of us we have 3 days food and water. A huge cache of medicine and medical supplies , 6 guns . 4 pistols , two military issue machine guns,

The dead start coming out of the fields it’s time to go. we set off and drive .

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