#i run out of space filling out forms that require me to list any medication i take lmao

[actual-changeling]

fun fact for those who don't know: there's a great mental illness combination my psychiatrist literally refers to as "double depression" which basically means that i am chronically depressed and then ON TOP OF THAT i get even worse depressive episodes. a lovely relationship between of dysthymia and MDD.

no highs, only low and lower. psychologists should want to study me under a microscope with all the shit i have going on

[deafmatteo]

top surgery — pre-op prep

This is going to be a very long post where I explain how I went about the process of the surgical assessment, the actual meeting with the surgeon, and preparation. 

Disclaimer: my experiences will not be universal. I am very fortunate to be Canadian and live in a country where the actual surgery is covered and I only need to pay for the stuff outside of the surgery such as medication and travel. additionally, my experience of pre- and post-surgery time at the surgical center was altered quite heavily due to COVID-19. things may be different for your experiences or for your character but here’s a general outline! if you have any questions, don’t be afraid to dm or send an anon!

content warning for below the cut: suicide mention, weight mention, substance use, crash dieting mention, 

i. Surgery Assessment: 

In order to qualify for an assessment with the surgeon, you need to have one taken by a different doctor. In my case, there was only one who was able to do the assessment and she worked in an office in a town adjacent to mine. The actual assessment took roughly two hours (spaced over multiple appointments) and it was filled with questions asking my relationship with my gender identity, expectations from the surgery, my personal and familial health history, my transition beyond top surgery—if i have socially come out, if i have begun my medical transition, etc—and the stability of my mental health. Because I was in the process of trying to get medication for my mental health, this was a potential red flag that could have caused me to fail my assessment but because I have not, to the assessor’s knowledge, considered suicide or even thought of it, I was cleared. 

Once I passed my assessment, it was then passed onto the waiting list for the surgeons in my province. I had opted for the general waitlist to get the surgeon who had the shortlist but you are given the option to select surgeons but there is a requirement for certain surgeons. Some will not operate on tobacco smokers, some will not operate on fat people with a high BMI(35+), some will not operate on tobacco and marijuana smokers, but there also some who will operate on all of the above. It personally depends on the surgeon and what they’re comfortable with. Within two months of the assessment, I got a call back from the surgeon’s office and from there, I made my surgical appointment where I would discuss things with the surgeon! 

ii. Surgeon Appointment:

this was done at the surgeon’s office which was again, not local to me. it was very quick and i mean. very quick. the surgeon asked about my expectations from top surgery and what i hoped would come from it and things about my dysphoria and my post-operative care plans. you should have your plan all figured out by this point! they need to know that you will be well cared for! he then took off my hospital gown and took a look at my chest before determining what kind of surgery would be best. I was relatively smalle in terms of pre-op chests but do to the way that my chest had formed because of binding unsafely for over half a decade, i was told that Double Incision was the best & safest option. then i got the option of if i want to keep my nipples or not — i opted for yes. 

with that all figured out, i was given an initial date & time for surgery and that was that! (for myself, my date got changed multiple times because of covid-19 but if it wasn’t for the virus, it would have stayed true to the selected day).

iii. Waiting Game:

okay! now you’ve got all your appointments in order and you’re just waiting for them to get snipped off. now what?

one. research post-operative care! i have researched for many, many years on top surgery but i still researched more constantly. this surgery is a big deal and you don’t want to do anything wrong that could cause further harm to yourself! look at different resources, watch different youtube videos, etc. there’s a lot of information out there that could help ease your post-op anxieties. 

two. get prepared with the stuff you need. the surgeon beforehand will give you some things that they will want you to have before surgery but don’t be afraid to purchase additional things! here’s a list of some of the things i purchased beforehand. 

 PILLOWS. my pillows were shit, flat out. they had no proper support & they just hurt to use so they often were just tossed to the sit for my cat to use. i bought two that provide good support and comfort and genuinely never felt better. this is because you cannot lay on your side or stomach for up to 4 weeks after the surgery and i, personally, am versatile and will sleep any which way. the pillows are to help you stay comfortable and propped up whilst laying in bed or sleeping. 

MEDICINE. get the strongest dose of Tylenol & Advil you can because this will be your pain medication afterwards. (the surgeon will provide over-the-counter ones as well but, if they’re like my surgeon, they’ll ask you to avoid it as much as you can). these will be your life-savers, trust me. 

SUPPLEMENTS. this one i haven’t seen around too much but for me, it was a better safe than sorry option. i already have to take iron supplements for my anemia so i purchased some zinc ones as well! zinc supplements help with immunity and scar healing which is always a good thing to take after a major surgery. the iron can help because your body may lose blood during surgery but it’s not one that i’ve seen people recommend. DO NOT GO OVERBOARD! you know your immune system and how well it will handle injuries. i have had a previous surgery done and due to my weakened immune system, it took me a lot longer to recover than initially anticipated. that’s why i’m going for the zinc supplements. most people don’t! personal preference.

SIX-FOOT CHARGER. life-saver. you can’t do that awkward extend-your-arms as you attempt to charge your phone before rolling over and finally getting comfortable. get one of those chargers that you can comfortable sit in your bed and use because even if you’re not in surgery, better comfort. what’s the worst that could happen?

DRY SHAMPOO & WIPES. for the first week, you CANNOT shower. stinky. be courteous to those with you and don’t be a stinky stinker. you can sit in the tub from the waist down but you cannot get your post-operative binder wet which leaves your entire torso, your armpits, neck, and face that do not see the godliness of the bathtub for a week. the wipes will help wipe away any grunginess and the dry shampoo will prevent your hair from becoming disgusting and oily. trust me. you’re doing yourself-and everyone around you-a favour.

there are additional things that other people tend to buy and like i said, it’s all up to personal preference. if you think it would help you, do it! there’s no harm than can be done by buying something you think would help but you end up not using rather than needing something but not having access to it. trust me, you deserve the utmost care and attention that you can give yourself during this time. 

IMPORTANT!!

do not crash diet. this is when you basically attempt to do any of those fasting diets that basically deprives your body of the nutrients it needs. buddy, you’re about to have a massive surgery. you’re doing more harm than good to your body and you deserve better. and trust me, i tried. and as a person in recovery for an E.D., it is the most slippery slope you can take. your body needs the nutrients to help you heal.

exercise! (not excessively). it makes it easier for the surgeons to work around your chest and can also help with its masculinization. for about a month before the surgery, i would go on a run at least every other day as well as some HIIT exercises. i do genuinely believe that it has helped me in some way in regards to healing but it could very well be me trying to justify the exercise.

LISTEN TO THE SURGEON. seriously. no amount of text-posts, no amount of youtube videos will ever overpower the advice your surgeon will give you. please, just listen to them. they’re the ones performing the surgery so they know what is best for you.

[purplesurveys]

989

Bring it around town

Post Office: When’s the last time that you mailed a letter or a package to someone, and who was it to? I don’t think I’ve ever sent out a package. I’ve written letters to friends, but I’ve always given it directly to them.

Library: The last book that you checked out from the library? Was a book on Philippine history; needed it for a history class. I actually spilled some soup on the cover just before I needed to return it because there was one time I put a packed lunch in my bag, and apparently the oils from that managed to slither on over to the book. The book was old and yellowing so the oils eventually looked indistinguishable when I dried it out, but it was definitely not my finest moment.

Veterinarian: What was your pet’s last visit concerning? I wasn’t able to bring Cooper to the vet last weekend...so our last visit, which was last month, was for a couple of shots. I’ve forgotten what they were for.

Pet Store: Which animals do you tend to go check out first? I don’t go to pet stores. When I do spot them in malls, the first animals I see are dogs. And then I immediately feel bad seeing them in their tiny cages.

Drugstore: Last medication or item that you picked out from here? It was a couple of medications for the tooth extraction I had last December. One of them was for pain relief and the other was to stop bleeding just in case the area in my mouth that was worked on started to bleed profusely.

Grocery Store: Do you usually have a big list or a small list when you go? My parents do the grocery shopping; but speaking for them, I think the list is always big since we’re a family of five and we’re constantly running out of supplies lol. They certainly take a while every time they go to the grocery, so it’s a safe bet.

Church: Do you attend church every Sunday? Do you believe in God? We watch a livestream every Sunday; but no, I don’t believe. I’ve said this a thousand times but my mom is the most aggressive Catholic I know and she forces our entire family to attend/watch mass with her, even though she’s the only one who’s into the whole thing. 

I will say that the priest that we normally watch has very good insights and the things he says are applicable, relevant, and helpful even in my own little atheist life, so I've found myself looking forward to his homily every week. That’s the furthest I’ll go, though.

Bank: How much was the last check you deposited? How about the last amount that you took out? I just opened an account last month so the only money that’s in there so far is the minimum amount that my bank requires for someone to start an account. I did just finish my first month interning, so I’m now waiting to receive my cut from that and FINALLY GO ONLINE SHOPPING

Hospital: Have you ever been admitted into the emergency room? For what? Other than when I was being delivered, no. I’ve been to the hospital before but they were all non-emergency cases.

Doctor’s Office: What was the last doctor’s appointment that you had? Which type of a doctor? I honestly have no idea what his specialization is; my parents just brought me to him because he’s a good family friend. We went to him so that he can prescribe the proper medication for my UTI at the time. His recommendation did end up being wrong and I only got sicker so that was kinda disappointing, but I’ve mostly forgiven the whole thing lol.

Police Station: Have you ever been arrested before? Ridden in the back of  a police car? No to both of those, thank fuck.

Fire Station: Have you ever been a victim of a house fire? Not me, but I know of several people who have been.

School: When did you graduate high school? 2016.

Gas Station: How much gas can fit in your gas tank? If my tank is nearly empty and I’d want to fill it all the way up, I have to pay a little over P1000 for it.

Mechanics: Does your vehicle break down a lot? Nope. Other than the battery dying a couple of times throughout the time I’ve had it, it’s never broken down on me *while* I’m driving. That used to be one of my biggest anxieties as a student, but fortunately it never happened.

Clothing Store: What’s the last clothing item you bought from a store, and which store was it? I got several colors of the same top with puffed sleeves from an ukay-ukay. Ended up only wearing one of them outside once because the lockdown was passed down a week after.

Bookstore: Do you prefer to get your books new or used? It doesn’t really matter to me. If I spot a book I’ve been looking for/a book I find interesting whether I’m in a bookstore or in a used book store, I get my hands on it as long as I can afford it. The feeling of owning a fresh new book is always nice, but it’s also just as satisfying if I buy a book that’s like P500 down from its original price.

Coffee Shop/Cafe: What do you typically order when you go here? Iced caramel macchiato and a pastry, usually a chocolate doughnut, croissant, or flatbread.

Fast Food Restaurant: What are a few of your favorites? KFC, McDonald’s, Jollibee, Mang Inasal, Popeye’s.

Sit-Down Restaurant: What’s the longest you’ve ever had to wait before being seated? It was like 5 or 6 hours, I don’t remember anymore. But it was for Popeye’s grand opening in the Philippines and we didn’t anticipate how many people were gonna go for it on a weekday haha. We were all so grumpy by the time we got our food.

Dentist: Have you ever had a cavity before? How about a root canal? A tooth pulled? Braces? I’ve had three of those - I’ve had braces (and need them again), a tooth extracted, and a cavity. Idk what a root canal is but I’ve never heard a dentist use that term around me.

Movie Theater: Last movie you saw in theaters before the pandemic hit? Knives Out.

Art Gallery: Which art forms do you appreciate the most? I can look at oil paintings all day. I also love dioramas, especially if they’re illustrating historical events or historical places/cities. One of my favorite museums showcases Philippines’ entire history through dioramas (I think they have around 60 in total) and I have never gotten sick of going through them.

Zoo: What is your favorite zoo animal that you would like to set free? All of them. I’ve never felt nice visiting zoos, especially if the living conditions for the animals obviously suck, or if the cages are small, etc (which is the case for the most part). I prefer safaris or eco-parks, because even though they have the same concept at least the animals there have more space to move around.

Aquarium: Favorite kind of fish? I don’t really have one. I suppose stingrays look cool, but I’ll always remember them as the fish that killed Steve Irwin, so there’s that.

Museum: What kinds of artifacts fascinate you? Anything that shows everyday life of people from the past. I don’t really care for grander exhibits like replicas of galleon ships, but if you can show me the kind of plates people ate from, belts and jewelry that they wore, utensils they used, older bills and coins, etc., I’d be all over those. Animal fossils and bones are also always fun to see.

Amusement Park: Favorite ride to go on? Octopus, because that’s the only daring ride I’m willing to go on.

Courthouse: Have you ever gone to court before? Nopes.

Hotel/Motel: Where were you, the last time you stayed at a hotel? Cavite was my last hotel stay; but the last time I was at a hotel in general, it's the hotel my mom works in, somewhere in Metro Manila.

Club: What is the last song that you danced to? Caught In the Middle by Paramore. I think.

Bar: What’s your favorite alcoholic drink? Zombie and Long Island Iced Tea are my favorite cocktails. As for hard drinks, I usually go for tequila but I’m down to take any shot lol.

County Jail: Is there anyone that you’ve visited in jail? I’ve never done that.

Airport: Are you more likely to fly in an airplane, or pick people up/drop them off at the airport? Pick someone up/bring them to the airport. That’s literally how it is with my dad every few months because he works overseas.

Train Station: Have you ever ridden a train before? Just the once.

Concert Venue: What’s the last concert you saw? Paramore.

Sports Arena: Which sporting event would you be most likely to sit through? Pro wrestling or volleyball. Basketball is also fun to watch, but me never learning how the rules work has always ruined the viewing experience for me.

[bionic-beth]

[natasha-cole]

Here Come the Snakes (Seeing is Believing)

Guys. I’m sorry, okay? This was fueled by an out of control fic title game and it just spiraled into this...

This is probably the weirdest thing I’ve ever written (and I once wrote a ficlet where Robot!Mike was an actual robot). Enjoy, I guess?

Also tagging @brokencasbutt67-writer and @embrrssed-love because you know why...

A Louden Swain/ Supernatural crossover?... AU?... I don’t even know, my dudes.

Summary: Louden Swain perform their much coveted song, Here Come the Snakes, to a club filled with fans. Little did they know; Billy’s sweet guitar riffs, coupled with the hypnotizing kazoo solo later in the show; they would end up summoning demon snakes from Hell. Now, the band and their fans are trapped, unable to escape the venue as the snakes terrorize and begin to claim lives. It just so happens that Sam, Dean, and Castiel are in the neighborhood on a case when they hear the screams coming from within the club. Castiel knows exactly how to exorcise the demon snakes; but it’s going to require cooperation from a terrified band that only wanted to rock.

Word Count: 3233

Warnings: swearing, motherfuckin’ snakes in a motherfuckin’ club, snakes, demon snakes, discussion of demon fans, accidental demon summoning, kazoo solo

Rob, Mike, Stephen, and Billy were close to finishing up yet another amazing show. The had just finished playing ‘Here Come the Snakes’, much to the delight and excitement of the fans who filled up the venue that they were playing at. It was a rare treat; the band had never played it live before, but after weeks of seeing their fans requesting it on social media, they finally caved.

Rob still upheld that it was their lamest song ever, but the rest of the guys were all about finally performing it. Luckily, it had been a hit, and they knew it would be requested more often.

Rob deflected the excitement over the song by immediately going into the final song on their set list. ‘Medicated’ would always be a favorite of his. The fans loved it, and he loved that they never failed to bring their A-game when it came to the kazoo solo that had eventually been incorporated into each and every performance of the song.

The crowd sang along as they played, ready when it was finally time for Rob to conduct them in their kazoo solo.

Rob waved his arms at the crowd, smiling as he listening to the steady hum of all of the kazoos that the fans had brought. They played perfectly in unison, and perhaps it seemed silly, but tonight’s kazoo solo gave him goosebumps.

They ended the song, each of them then stepping forward together as they addressed their adoring fans.

“Thank you so much!” Rob shouted. “We love you! Goodnight!”

The guys stood together in a line, draping their arms across the shoulders of the one standing next to them and took their bows as the fans clapped and cheered for them.

What was meant to be a night that ended in joy and excitement, didn’t end up going that way though. The band was just about to make their way off stage to mingle with the fans when they heard a shrill scream come from the back of the room.

They all froze in place, looking out across the sea of people to see what was going on. Unable to see anything, they remained on stage, just waiting until they had a grasp on what would make someone scream in such a way.

Gradually, they noticed the entire crowd become uncomfortable. People began to look around in panic, staring down at the ground as they now began to move.

“Snakes!”

Billy turned quickly to the other guys, confusion drawn up on his face.

“Did someone say-?” Mike began before he was cut off by the sound of more screams.

The room erupted in screams now; fans shrieking and panicking as they tried to run for the exits. It was absolute chaos as they scrambled and pushed their way to the front of the building.

The band watched in horror as the space in front of the stage cleared quickly as their fans tried to escape whatever it was that had frightened them.

Straining against the stage lights, Stephen studied the ground, having noticed that it looked as if the floor was… moving.

“Oh shit,” he breathed out once his eyes were able to focus.

“Snakes.” Billy added as he too stared at the ground in front of them.

Rob and Mike turned their attention away from the frantic fans, who were still screaming in terror and now banging against the exit doors as if they were locked shut. They collectively gasped as they too saw what the other two saw.

Snakes. Hundreds of snakes. Hissing and slithering along the floor that was no longer visible since there were so many snakes covering it.

Before they even had a chance to let it register that this was actually happening, they heard a loud sound from the direction of the exit. Someone was banging on the doors and they wondered if the fans were breaking them down to try to escape.

Suddenly, they saw the doors swing open and the sea of fans began to flow through, each of them in a hurry to leave before they even got the chance to take selfies with the guys.

As the last fans exited the building, their screams echoing into the night outside, the band stayed frozen up on stage, unsure if they even had a shot of escaping since they would have to go directly through the snakes to get to the exit.

“What do we do?” Stephen asked finally.

“I- I don’t know,” Rob replied.

He realized that they were safe up there since snakes couldn’t climb up to reach them. But, they also couldn’t stay there forever.

Rob glanced around, assessing the room and the situation. Most of the people had escaped, but a few fans and even some bartenders had been victims to the snakes. He frowned as he looked at their lifeless bodies, knowing that this wasn’t going to go ever well with the rest of their fans once they heard about this.

“We can’t escape,” Billy said, his eyes wide with fear.

They turned to huddle together, taking their attention away from the snakes and focusing it on trying to come up with a plan.

Most of the plans were stupid. Stephen suggested that Rob go first, but that wasn’t;t even really a plan. Billy said that they should use their equipment to hit the snakes as they made their way to the exit, but they were just a little indie band and didn’t have enough money to replace anything.

“Son of a bitch!”

They heard a voice shout out suddenly from behind them. They turned toward the side of the stage just as three ridiculously tall men stepped onto the stage, each looking around at the scene before them.

“Hey, how did you guys get over here?” Mike asked.

“Oh, we heard the screaming so we busted through the back door,” the tallest one explained as he brushed back a strand of his long, flowing hair out of his face.

“There’s a back door?” Rob asked.

“Duh,” the next tallest man said. “Every venue has at least two exits.”

“Everyone should’ve ran back there,” the one in the trench coat added. “There are no snakes back there.”

Rob, Billy, Mike, and Stephen looked at each other; silently agreeing on their escape plan.

“Wait,” the trenchoated man said as he grabbed Rob by the arm. “You’re not going anywhere yet. You did this, didn’t you?”

“What?” Rob exclaimed. “No way! I hate snakes!”

“These aren’t just any snakes…” the man trailed off. “You need to help us get rid of them.”

“No,” Rob argued. “I’m not going anywhere near those things!”

“Wait,” Stephen said as he stepped forward, addressing the strangers. “Who are you guys?”

“I’m Dean and this is my brother Sam,” one of the men said. “We’re hunters. We hunt monsters.”

“And who is this?” Mike asked, pointing as the man in the trench coat.

“I’m Castiel.”

“Another- monster hunter?”

“I’m technically an angel of the lord, but yes, I am also a hunter.”

“Hey wait,” Rob said, brows furrowed as he looked at each of them as if he suddenly recognized them. “Do I know you guys?”

“I don’t think so,” Castiel answered quickly. “Look, we don't have time to get acquainted right now. Tell me exactly what happened before these showed up.”

“Uh- uh…” Rob sputtered. “We sang ‘Medicated’.”

“And just before that?”

“We sang ‘Here Come the Snakes’. We never sing it live, this was the first time,” Stephen chimed in. “Is that what summoned them?”

“There’s no such thing as demons!” Mike shouted. “Much less demon snakes!”

“There is most definitely such a thing as demon snakes. Usually, it’s the work of one demon that takes on the form of many snakes. Look,” Castiel said as he motioned toward the snakes still slithering on the ground. “You can’t deny it. Seeing is believing.”

“Oh god,” Rob cried, running his hands through his hair with a horrified look on his face.

“Wait,” Castiel said as he thought hard. “You said you sang a song before the song about the snakes… did there happen to be a kazoo solo involved?”

“Of course there was a kazoo solo,” Rob exclaimed, looking offended that the angel had even asked.

“Yes, there’s always a kazoo solo in ‘Medicated’,” Stephen confirmed. “Does that mean something?”

“You!” Castiel shouted as he turned to Billy, “How awesome are your guitar solos?”

“How did you know I was the guitarist?”

“I’m an angel, I know things.”

“They’re pretty sick actually,” Mike answered.

“Everyone knows that sick guitar solos followed by a kazoo solo summons the demon that takes on the form of snakes,” Castiel explained. “What were you thinking?”

“They do?” Rob asked, turning up his face in confusion.

“Even I knew that,” Dean said as he rolled his eyes in exasperation.

“Well, what do we do?” Billy asked. “I didn’t mean to be so awesome. Can we get rid of them?”

“Of course we can,” Sam cut in. “We can’t kill them all, but just need to exorcise the demon at least.”

“Awesome, let’s do that!” Stephen exclaimed.

“It’s not that easy,” Castiel said quietly as he glanced around at the nightmare that had surrounded them. “A demon snake demon isn’t like a regular demon.”

“We’ll help,” Rob offered. “Whatever we need to do.”

“Do you guys happen to know any really depressing, melancholy songs? It should hypnotize it long enough for me to expel it and force the demon to reveal itself.”

“Do we!” Shouted Mike with glee, his bright, sunny smile lighting up his face.

“We might,” Rob replied.

“Let’s do ‘She Waits’,” Billy offered. “It’s the most depressing song we have.”

“Good one,” Mike said excitedly as he hurried to his bass.

The others scurried off, each of them picking up their respective instruments as Rob took his spot at the microphone.

Rob sang the song with as much emotion as he would had he been singing for their fans, even if right now it was being performed for a crap ton of hissing, slithering, angry demon snakes.

Right near the end of the song, just as Rob was really getting into it, the snakes bagan to calm down. They stopped moving as the sound of Rob’s voice filled the room along with the steady incantation of some sort of exorcism spell that Sam and Dean had started.

Sam continued the incantation, glancing over quickly to Dean who had all but stopped helping recite the phrases. Instead, he was facing the stage, holding up a lighter and swaying back and forth as the band played on.

He reached over and hit Dean on the arm, startling him for a moment.

“What?” Dean asked. “It’s a good song.”

Without losing a beat, Sam continued to speak, motioning for his brother to help him out. Dean rolled his eyes and picked up where Sam was, easily joining in on the incantation.

As Rob finished the song, filled with emotion as he belted out the final refrain, the snakes had completely stopped slithering around. Now, they seemed to be in a trance, watching the band as Sam, Dean, and Cas wrapped up the incantation.

Finally, plumes of thick, black smoke began to escape the snakes; each plume swirling together in the center of the room, banding together until there was just a dark, heavy cloud left.

The band watched in horror as the snakes now lifeless remains began to shrivel up before turning into piles of ashes.

They turned their attention back to the cloud of smoke as Sam, Dean, and Cas stepped in front of it, seeming readying themselves for a fight.

“What are they doing?” Billy asked Rob. “Are they planning to stab a cloud?”

Rob shrugged in response, unable to take his eyes off of the cloud as is gradually began to shrink now.

In second, the smoke had dispersed and there stood the demon, who was now possessing the body of a fallen bartender.

The demons eyes turned black is it focused solely on the band onstage, not concerned with the three hunters who were at the ready with strange looking blades.

“Aw, man,” the demon spoke as he looked up at the stage to the band. He started clapping his hands together slowly, almost menacingly as he took a step toward them.

Rob felt a shiver run down his spine as the demons black eyes stared back.

“That was a really depressing song, dudes.”

“He wrote it,” Mike said quickly, pointing to Rob to try to deflect attention from himself.

“I-I’m sorry,” Rob stuttered, fear taking hold as he waited to see what the demon would attempt in retaliation.

“Don’t be sorry,” it replied. “That was just- really beautiful and super emotional.”

“Uh, thanks?”

“Seriously, what’s the name of your band? I’d like to look you up and listen to some more of your stuff. You’re awesome.”

“Uh, we’re- Louden Swain?” Stephen called out from behind his drum set, seeming just as confused as everyone else.

“Cool name,” the demon replied with a smile. “Also, that song about the snakes… fantastic. You should play that at every show.”

“I don’t think so,” Cas cut in, walking toward the demon with his blade at the ready.

Before anyone could argue, he struck; impaling the demon quickly as everyone else watched while it screamed in pain. A brilliant light escaped its eyes briefly, then flickering out as the body fell back to the floor.

It took a moment for it to register what had just happened. The three hunters nodded at each other, slapping each other on the backs at they silently congratulated on a hunt well done.

Rob, Billy, Stephen, and Mike stood there, mouths agape as they watched Castiel walk around the room, kneeling down alongside fallen fans and placing his hand on their foreheads, seemingly healing them from the snake venom that had taken their lives. Each of the previously dead fans sat up, looking around in shock before making a run for the exit.

When he was done bringing them each back, he rejoined his fellow hunters.

“Dude, you just killed one of our fans,” Rob called out, a hint of disappointment in his voice.

The three men turned to look at the band, confused as they were met with disappointed stares from the four of them.

“That was a demon,” Castiel reminded him.

“He was probably gonna tell all his demon buddies about us,” Stephen said sadly.

“Yeah, we could’ve had an entire demon fan base…” Billy added, shaking his head in disbelief.

“That would’ve been awesome,” Mike said.

“Thanks a lot,” Rob muttered as he jumped down from the stage now that it was safe to do so. He stared down at the snake remains and the previously possessed body of one of the bartenders. “This sucks.”

“Um, you’re welcome for saving you and your fans,” Sam said sarcastically.

“And you’re welcome for me bringing back the ones who were killed by your careless use of music.”

“I mean, thanks for all of that. But, you could’ve given the demon a chance. Maybe let him off with a warning,” Stephen pouted.

“We’re hunters,” Dean explained. “We don’t give warnings.”

“Maybe you should though,” Billy said as he and Mike and Stephen joined Rob. “Demon fans would’ve been so cool.”

“Yeah,” Rob muttered. “I bet no other band has demon fans.”

“Look, the last thing you want is demon fans,” Dean said firmly. “Trust me, I know, I’ve been a demon.”

“It would’ve done even more damage than this if we had let it go,” Sam explained.

“How do you know?” Mike asked.

“Yeah,” Dean said as he turned to his brother. “That thing would have definitely talked these guys into some messed up deal.”

“Trust us,” Sam pleaded. “Befriending demons is not a road you want to go down. They only like to make deals that end with you losing your soul.”

“Not to mention the hellhounds,” Dean shuddered.

“The hell-what?” Rob asked in surprise.

“You don’t want to know,” Dean said as he slapped Rob on the back, causing him to wince. “Hell isn’t a fun place, I’ll just say that.”

“Look,” Castiel cut in, looking exasperated now. “No demon fans allowed. If I find out that you’ve summoned another demon and accepted it as a fan, we’re going to have a problem.”

“Right…” Stephen replied. “Okay, no demon fans then.”

“That’s so not rock and roll,” Rob frowned.

“Promise us that you won’t summon any more demons,” Cas demanded, looking specifically at Rob who seemed to now be the only one displeased with the thought of not being able to have demon fans. “And promise us that if you do come across any other demons, you won’t make any deals with them.”

“I don’t know what demon deals even are or what that mean,” Billy said. “I ain’t gonna ask either. But I promise.”

“I promise too,” Mike added.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” Stephen finally agreed. “From the sounds of it, demon fans would probably end up tricking us into demon deals, and apparently send us to hell, which doesn’t sound fun to me. I promise.”

Castiel narrowed his eyes as Rob, who was taking his sweet time on agreeing with the rest of the band.

“Fine!” He shouted. “I won’t summon more demon fans. Even though it was an accident in the first place.”

“Just- no more ‘Here Come the Snakes’,” Castiel warned. “It’s far too powerful, and you obviously don’t know how to use that power.”

“And maybe no more kazoos,” Sam added.

“Woah, you shut your mouth,” Rob began, stepping up to almost challenge Sam even though he was so short and Sam was ridiculously tall. “You can take away the song, but don’t you dare take away the kazoos. That’s out of line.”

Sam turned to Castiel, looking for help to make these guys understand what they were messing with here.

“I guess- as long as the kazoo solo isn’t preceded by a song about snakes, it should be fine,” Castiel said finally.

Rob let out a sigh of relief.

“Great, just no more snake songs.”

“The fans really love that song though,” Billy argued. “What would happen if we did the kazoo solo first and then sang ‘Here Come the Snakes’ after?”

“Don’t!” Castiel shouted, a look of horror on his face now.

“I’m not even gonna ask,” Billy said as he backed down, not really wanting to know what could be worse than a room filled with a crap ton of snakes.

“Alright, no more ‘Snakes’,” Rob said again. “We promise.”

“Well, I think our work here is done then,” Dean said. “You guys stay out of trouble.”

“We will,” Mike called out as the three hunters turned from them and walked toward the exit. “Thanks again for your help!”

The band watched as the men left the venue, leaving them in silence as they let the events of the night sink in.

“What the fuck just happened?” Rob asked finally.

“I don’t know,” Stephen said. “But that was kind of awesome.”

“I can’t wait to see what the fans say about the show,” Mike beamed as they all finally moved to gather their equipment so they could get the hell out of there.

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[frostedlover]

Smoke and Mirrors

I have other fics I should be working on. But here I am writing another Anxiey!Virgil Sanders hurt/comfort cause that’s all I have inspiration for. Thank you very much Roman… Any who, this fic is inspired by the YouTube video ‘SANDER SIDES - Good For You ANIMATIC {SMOKE AND MIRROR AU}’ by \\Radiance\\ I absolutely loved this video when I first saw it and I wanted to continue the story with my own sappy happy ending even if it is simply headcannon. Be sure to watch her video and give her some love. But any who! Onto the fic! 

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dns1_f4po54 

 Warning: Mentions of abuse, rape, general self hatred. 

 *Line Break* 

 Virgil sat in his chair staring out the window at the rain pouring down. He hadn’t been the same since the… incident. He took a shaky breath and ran his hands through his hair as he withheld the tears that wanted to spill down his cheeks. It had been what… Three months since the others had discovered the game Deceit had been playing? He let out a soft snort, he lost everything that day, his friends… His finance. 

 He stiffened when he felt someone behind him, arms winding around him in a fashion that should have comforting, but he knew too well this was all just a game to the sick man. His shoulders began to shake slightly and he let out a soft cry of pain and anger, only to hear a soft hushing noise. “I was only trying to prove they didn’t care my dear… Now we can be happy together, like it should be.” Deceit whispered in the young man’s ear. 

 Virgil didn’t know what it was, but he found his fear once again replaced with anger. He roughly pushed the man behind him back and leapt from his chair. He had tears streaming freely down his face now, but whether they were from the pain in his heart, or the anger in his soul he couldn’t tell you. 

 “Just shut up!” He yelled, his body shaking heavily as he held himself together. “Of course they left! I hurt them! I let you manipulate me like a puppet on a string just like you wanted! Well guess what?! I may have lost them but that doesn’t mean I have to stick around with the likes of you!” Virgil went to march past his old co-worker when he felt a strong hand on his arm.

 His anger quickly flushed away as he gaze turned up to face an expression of pure rage. Deceit leaned close and practically growled at the young man. “If I can’t have you… No one can.” Virgil felt a flash of searing pain, and then everything faded to black. 

 *Line Break* 

 Roman sat in his living room with Patton and Logan, trying desperately to lift his spirits enough that he didn’t bring his friends down. He continued to glance at the armchair sitting beside the coffee table by the window, not one dared to sit there anymore, it was too much pain. He turned his focus back toward the movie slowly, Mulan playing across the large screen. 

 The air was tense around the three friends, even Patton had no idea how to fix the pain they were all feeling, none of them expected Virgil’s betrayal. Even now though, something had just seemed off about their confrontation with the old friend, he hadn’t tried to deny his actions, or even fight back. He just looked… scared. 

 He was pulled from his thoughts rapidly when Roman’s phone began to ring. Said male pulled it out and gazed at the screen with a puzzled expression before pausing the movie and answering the call. “Hello?”  He asked confusion clear from his tone. Logan and Patton gazed at him from their seats, their own expressions showing varying levels of confusion. 

 “Roman Prince?” The voice on the other end asked. It was a female, but she didn’t sound at all familiar to the young man. But they obvious didn’t have the wrong number. 

 “Yes this is he… May I ask who is calling?” 

 “My name is Katherine Lockwood. I’m a nurse at StoryBrooke hospital. I’m calling in regards to a Virgil Sanders, he has you listed as his emergency contact.” The woman explained. 

 Roman felt the air seize up in his lungs at the name. “Oh uh alright… What is it exactly that you need?” He asked, his voice raising an octave slightly at the nerves that bundled in his stomach. 

 “Mr. Sanders presented in the ER about an hour ago with severe trauma.  He requested no one be contacted by his condition took a turn for the worse and we are required to notify his medical proxy. Which is why I’m calling, I’m going to need you to come in.” Nurse Lockwood explained, keeping herself as calm as she could as she gazed at the beaten form in the cot across from the desk. She was about to continue when a machine in Virgil’s room started to beep loudly. She dropped the phone and went running toward the room, but even then the words she yelled were as clear as if she were still holding the phone. “Someone get a crash cart we’re losing him!” Then the line went dead. 

 Roman didn’t move for a long moment, he simply held the phone to his ear and stared off into space. Logan pushed up his glasses and leaned forward. “Roman… Is everything alright?” He asked, his voice calm as he gauged his friend for a reaction. 

 However this was all Roman needed to spring up and begin moving. He grabbed his keys and jacket before yanking on his shoes, tears were streaming down his face. He was about to head out the door when Patton grabbed his arms. The emotional man never even got a chance to speak before Roman croaked out. “Virgil... hospital… something’s wrong.” He pushed his friend aside as gently as he could in his state and took off running. He didn’t know why he thought the other two wouldn’t join him, but he was glad when Logan caught up to him and grabbed his keys. 

 “You’re in no shape to drive… Get in.” The logical friend said sternly before climbing into the driver’s seat. Patton and Roman wasted no time getting into the car as well. After all, they had somewhere to be. 

 *Line Break* 

 Roman practically dove from the car when they got to hospital, not evening waiting for them to come to a complete stop. He ran inside the hospital and into the ER, his eyes scanning the room quickly until they landed on the trauma bay doors. Inside was the man he loved more than anything, though he was barely recognizable under the bruises and cuts littering his body. 

 He was sprinting toward the room when someone caught his arm. “Excuse me but where are you going?” A stern voice asked. Nurse Lockwood held his arm tightly as she looked over the man sprinting toward her number one patient. She wasn’t about to let the poor boy get hurt on her watch. 

 “I’m Roman Prince you called me.” Roman explained as quickly as possible as his eyes flickered between the bay and the nurse holding his arm. Upon understanding the grip was loosened slightly as the woman followed his gaze. 

 “I have some paper work I need you to fill out before you can see him.” She said softly, her voice coming off much more kind. “Come one, sooner we get this done the better.” She led him to the counter and was shifting through what she needed signed when Patton and Logan burst in, panting slightly. She raised a brow and was about to inquire who exactly they were when Patton let out a noise of despair. 

 “Verge… Oh my god what’s happened to you?” He whispered his voice cracking slightly as his knees gave way under him from shock. Logan caught him and lowered him gently into a chair, though he couldn’t take is eyes off the poor sight of their friend either. 

 “Friends of yours I’m assuming?” Nurse Lockwood asked as she glanced at Roman who simply nodded before turning back to the papers he needed to sign. He kept gazing back at Virgil, he looked so much smaller than he remember. Had he really changed so much in three months? 

 He swallowed thickly and held the pen a bit tighter when he finally found voice enough to ask. “What… What happened?” He asked not having the courage to look up at nurse. 

 The woman gave a small sigh. “He stumbled into the ER on his own a little over an hour ago, as I told you on the phone. He was bleeding heavily and to be honest I’m unsure how he was even moving, between blood loss and the broken bones it honestly should have been impossible.” She stepped away to put the paper work into the files before motioning the group toward Virgil’s bay. Once the group was inside she closed the door behind them to give them privacy. “He kept telling us not to call anyone, and we had to comply with his wishes until he was medically unfit to make decisions for himself, when he lost consciousness I called you immediately. Whatever happened to him, this obliviously wasn’t the first time.” She explained, paying no heed when the three men in the room gasped in shock. 

“When caring for him, when found signs of abuse that were months old, we even discovered some…” She sighed and looked at the boy on the bed, he looked so young. “Some signs of sexual abuse as well.” She didn’t even have to look up to see Roman was angry, she could feel the waves coming off of him. “For his benefit we placed him in a medically induced coma until he’s healed more. His body wouldn’t have otherwise been able to function. I can’t tell you when he will wake, or if he will be the same when he does. But… here.” She pulled a piece of paper from her pocket and handed it to Roman. “We found it on him when we were getting him out of his clothes. It had your name on it so I figured he meant it for you.” She cleared her throat slightly, “I’ll be outside if you need me.” She said before stepping out leaving the three men alone. 

 Roman stared down at the letter for a moment before slowly opening it to read what was inside. 

 ‘Hey Princey… If you’re reading this I assume Deceit managed to follow through with his threat. I really made him mad this time, but apparently I’m good at that. I wanted needed you to know the truth, because even though you should hate me, I just need some closure you know? I still love you, more than anything. Everything that happened three months ago was my fault, I shouldn’t have listened to Deceit but he had so much on me… I was scared Ro, and I didn’t know how to tell you I fucked up, so I let it get worse. Those letters Pat and Lo found, they were all fake to keep him happy, to keep me safe. You were never supposed to see them. I know that sounds incriminating but I don’t know how else to explain it. He had already proved he was stronger than me once… I didn’t want it to happen again. Tell Pat and Lo how sorry I am alright? And tell them how much I love them, because I think… I don’t think I’m gonna get the chance to ever tell them again. Just know I love you… I love you so much it hurts, and I’m sorry I hurt you… Guess this is my punishment, can’t say I didn’t deserve it. With love- Hot Topic’ 

 Roman didn’t even notice the tears in his eyes until one hit the page. He dropped the paper and backed away from it for a moment before rushing over to Virgil and grabbing his hand. “You listen to me Mr. Panic at the Everywhere. You’re going to wake up and get better. And I’m never gonna let you leave my side again, you understand?” He said his voice cracking as he slowly brought a hand up to brush Virgil’s hair from his face. “Just come back to me.” 

 Logan and Patton stood back watching for a moment before Logan grabbed the letter. His eyes scanned it quickly, and you could see the rage boiling inside him. He slammed the page down before storming out, he couldn’t stay in there. He should have seen the signs… He should have known. He sank down against the wall outside and pulled his glasses off as tears wet his cheeks. 

 Patton picked up the letter next, his hands shaking. He read it a little slower than Logan did, and he didn’t hide the tears the confession brought. “I knew something was wrong… I knew it.” He whispered before sitting in the chair in the corner and just letting his head fall into his hands. He begged silently that whatever it was out there that watched them, to bring their Virgil back to them. 

*Line Break* 

 Two months and eleven days, that’s how long Roman had been waiting for Virgil to wake up… Not that he was counting or anything. He was sitting beside the man’s bed, reading softly from Virgil’s favorite book when he heard a small whimper. His head whipped around and he looked at the boys face, and for the first time in so long he saw the eyes that he had fallen in love with. And for the first time in a long time, he felt that maybe, just maybe, things would actually be alright. 

 *Line Break*   TADA!!!! I did an angsty thing. Any who, I hope you enjoyed though!

[polygrumpssecretsanta]

Redshirts

Author: @sailorbryant Recipient: @a-d-a-a-r Pairing: Egobang Warnings: Nearly Factual Star Trek Information Title: RedShirts Summary: Star Trek AU. Next gen-era. Joining Starfleet hasn’t really been the non-stop action-packed adventure that Arin had been led to believe, but at least he’s got a buddy - and unlimited access to some ancient video games - to keep him sane.  Word Count: 2600

Joining Starfleet had to have been the worst god damn decision of Arin’s life.

“My neck is still killing me," he wined, collapsing down on his bunk. He stared up at the blinding white ceiling above him once again wishing he was a high enough rank so that he could have a small port head window in their quarters. It would be nice to stare at something besides the blinding white of the bulkhead that was the same as the rest of the ship.

“Don't be a baby," Dan said offhandedly typing away at his PADD from his desk on the other side of their cramped, shared ensign quarters. “It was just a normal inoculation hypo.”

“No man, I'm telling you. Barry doesn't like me. He always jabs them in super hard.”

Dan scoffed. “That’s Chief Medical Officer Kramer to you ensign,” Dan parroted back mockingly, still never looking up from his PADD. “And maybe he only hates you because you keep calling him Barry like he doesn’t outrank the fuck out of you. Now be quiet, I have a thousand pages of requisition forms to go through.”

Arin sighed, stretching his arms up and resting his head on his hands, pulling his full body red uniform tightly around his midsection.

Life aboard a Galaxy-class cruiser had ended up being quite different than he imagined. The holo’s had always made life aboard an exploratory vessel seem like a non-stop thrill ride. Traveling to unexplored world’s, traversing the complicated social quagmire that was a first contact moment, or the heart-pounding thrill of battle with a violent, warmongering enemy.  

Instead, his day to day on the USS Endeavor was spent mostly on continued training, drills, and tons and tons of data worth of reports he had to fill out, then fill out again when they were sent back from a CO with a list of minor errors and recommendations.

The closest he came to experiencing life or death situations was reading the official reports of the adventures aboard the USS Enterprise, whose crew seemed to be living a life closer to what Arin had imagined as a teenager who hung up Starfleet Academy posters in his room.  Not that Arin would wish upon his crew the death and danger that seemed to constantly follow the Enterprise around. Still, he thought as he realized he’d been staring nonstop at the bulkhead nonstop for a long time, there was a reason they were constantly receiving lectures about watching for the signs of space madness. It was easy to get obsessed with the monotony.

It wasn’t all shift rotations and paperwork, he reminded himself - forcefully shaking off his far too introspective mood. His head slowly turned to look over at his roommate, sitting at his desk in a red uniform identical to Arin’s.  His bouncy, untamed hair casting a shadow onto his forehead, his brow tensed in concentration.

Arin stared at him for a long time, greedily admiring his slim frame, and intense look. He had never thought that their long jumpsuits were very flattering, but it did seem to hug to Dan in a way that never failed to catch Arin’s gaze and hold it.

He shook his head vehemently. This was not the time for perving on his friend.

“Dan,” Arin said suddenly, his tone serious, and his roommate groaned.

“Arin,” he replied just as serious.

“Best buddy.”

“No, Arin, I’m serious. Whatever you’re going to suggest, I’m not going along with it. I’ve got too much stuff to finish.”

“Let’s hit up the holodeck.”

There was a long drawn out pause before he heard Dan mutter a soft, “Fuck,” before sitting down his PADD.

Arin was already leaping out his bunk, a grin stretching across his lips.

---

When Arin was young his dad had taken him to an old museum in town for his birthday. It was one of the few museums on Earth that still had classic games: board games, card games, and Arin’s personal favorite, video games.  Old, ancient games that required a controller and a screen, nothing like the virtual games that children played now with their heads stuck inside a helmet that showed them brand new worlds in a heartbeat. Those games were practically archaic compared to the ones available now.

Arin had loved them.

He had begged his dad to take him back to the museum as often as he could in order to have the chance to play through the small dismal selection that they had until he knew them all by heart.

Now he was stationed aboard a Galaxy-class cruiser with admittance to the ships’ many holodecks available to him whenever he had any downtime. The holodeck was the peak of virtual technology, giving him access to any moment in time or space and only limited by what the user could imagine.

“Oh, come on you little shit, get it together!” he cried out at the screen, once again leading his little avatar on the screen into its doom, and ignoring Dan’s loud giggles beside him on the couch.

And Arin used it to play late 20th/early 21st-century video games.

It wasn’t a hobby that a lot of people understood or even wanted to. HIs first year aboard the ship he’d spent his breaks in the holodeck, enjoying the games alone.  Then his old roommate had been transferred off ship and Dan, fresh-faced from the academy, had moved in.  They had hit it off immediately. He didn’t understand at first, but he’d been open-minded enough to give Arin’s strange way of spending leisure time a shot, and here they were. Dan only played sometimes, spending most of his time enjoying just watching Arin play, adding his own commentary or mostly just laughing at Arin’s own off color commentary as he hilariously failed in what he was trying to accomplish.

“Jump up on that ledge, you ding dong.”

“You’re speaking nonsense and I won’t listen to it,” Arin said as he jumped up on the ledge immediately, only to find himself knocked back by a giant lizard and fell to his death. “You whore!” he bellowed into the echo chamber of the holodeck room, while Dan laughed and laughed at him from his seat beside him on the couch.

When the darkness of space closed in around him, and the routine of an excitement deprived existence started to wear him down, spending an hour or two with Dan. Watching his toothy smile and listening to his distinctive laugh - it was definitely the bright spot of his days.

---

After two years on board the USS Endeavor excitement finally came to their ship.  It was supposed to be a routine mission. First Contact with a new planet that's first foray into light speed travel had sent one of their ships into a near head-on collision with one of the Federations’ satellites. Some initial surveillance had shown them to be a relatively benign, peaceful species whose last planetary level war had been hundreds of years ago.

Most of the primary bridge crew had opted out, giving their seconds and replacements a chance for a learning experience. There were very few members of security heading down with the landing party, and those that were had some sort of separate specialty that they would get a chance to indulge in. That was why Dan was going down, with his focus on botany, to study a particular fascinating species of trees that their probes had picked up on that they felt could have some useful medicinal purposes. Most of the landing party were young crewmembers on their first or second missions, the highest ranking member being Lieutenant Brian Wecht, the head of the astrophysics department, who, being the newest ranked officer, had found himself bullied into the position.

It would’ve been a very easy, run-of-the-mill mission if the Romulans hadn’t beaten them to the planet first.

When the red alert alarms had started blaring, Arin kicked into gear and reported to his designated station without a thought. It wasn’t until he saw the look on CO’s face that he realized that this wasn’t a drill.

He tried his damndest to be on the party sent down for the rescue, but instead, he found himself standing beside CMO Kramer waiting to assist him whenever they brought back the survivors. It was only his training that kept him standing as he overhead the reports being delivered to Barry.

Half the landing party immediately incapacitated and captured.  At least two deaths so far, a good chunk of them missing.

Guilt burned through him like a phaser blast. He had wished for excitement and danger, but now that it was here instead of adrenaline running through his veins it was just an ice cold and nauseating dread.

He had other friends that were missing. People he had graduated the academy with, fellow ensigns he saw every day, but it was the worry about Dan that seemed to be overwhelming him completely. Never seeing Dan’s teasing smile, or hearing his laugh.  It was unthinkable.

Arin was so busy stuck in his head, imaging him sitting in the holodeck alone or an empty bunk across from his that it took him a moment to notice the movement in the transporter room. Then Barry’s hands were on his arm, pulling him back out of the way, and he came back to the present. The room buzzed suddenly, the sound of particles forming and rearranging, then the platform was filled with materializing crewmen.

Dan’s hair stuck out like a rose bush in the middle of a desert. There were a few bodies lying prone, but Dan wasn’t one of them; his arm was slung around the shoulders of Lt. Wecht’s bright blue uniform. He looked weak, but his eyes were open, searching the room until they met Arin’s and a small smile quirked up the side of his lips.

His knees almost gave out and sensing his unstableness the CMO’s grip tightened until he was able to keep himself steady. Then they were both heading into the fray to help.  Arin didn’t even pretend like he was heading anywhere else but straight to Dan’s side.

“Hey,” he found himself saying in a breathy voice, unable to look away from Dan’s bright open eyes, or half smile.  There was a speck of dried blood on his temple but it only slightly registered to Arin.

“Hey, yourself,” Dan replied equally as soft, looking up at him with a tired grin.

“I-” Arin started to say, but was quickly interrupted by Brian.

“Make yourself useful, Hanson,” he said sternly, but not unkindly, and Arin took the soft reprimand to heart. Sliding Dan’s free arm around his own shoulder, he took his weight onto himself (spending a lot of energy not thinking about how right Dan felt pressed against him) and freed the Lieutenant to help other injured crewmen.

They slowly made their way towards the med bay, Arin joking with Dan about how lucky he was going to be - being doted on by the nurses and getting extra rations that Arin would be trying to steal - and treasuring every small chuckle that Dan gifted him with. He left his friend in the capable hands of the med bay, reluctant to the point of flirting with insubordination, but the reassurances of his friend in his relative wellness forced back to help with the ongoing crisis.

The second he was relieved from his shift, six hours later, exhausted and weak on his feet, he rushed to the med bay and pleaded his way to Dan’s bedside.  His friend, still looking rather worse for wear, but comfortably lounging on the bright white sheets, gave him a small smile as soon as he entered the private room.

“I’m so sorry, I just got off shift,” Arin breathed out in a rush.

“You look like shit,” Dan huffed out, interrupting him before he could continue. Arin glared at him, but Dan just laughed. “You should go to sleep man, it’s just going to be worse tomorrow. I’ll still be here when you wake up I promise. No one ever died from some cuts and bruises and a sprained ankle.”

Something truly awful must have crossed Arin’s face because Dan immediately looked regretful.

“I’m sorry, I’m a little woozy from the painkillers. Pretty bad taste I guess, just ignore-”

“Dan,” Arin said seriously, stopping the other man’s rambling in its tracks. “This is all my fault.”

There was a silent pause, before Dan finally huffed out, “What?”

Arin collapsed into the empty chair sitting beside the bed.

“It’s all my fault. All I’ve ever done is whine and complain about how fucking boring it always fucking is and begging for something to fucking happen and then something happens and I nearly fucking lost you!” His voice cracked at the end and realized he was nearly shouting. He slid further down in his chair. “You could’ve died,” he whispered, knowing his voice sounded haunted just at the thought, but the mixture of exhaustion and the rapidly approaching adrenaline crash had left him unable to think before he spoke.

Dan stared at him, obviously trying to take in the sudden seriousness of his usually laid-back friend before he finally graced him with a quiet smile. “But, I didn’t.”

Arin nodded, unable to let his gratefulness of that fact overweigh the tremendous guilt that was currently clinging to his heart.

“This isn’t your fault, you idiot,” Dan continued, fondness lacing through his voice. “Shit happens, man, and you didn’t cause this any more than you can change the weather or make the stars fall out of the sky. There’s not a person on this ship who doesn’t want any break from paperwork that they could get, but I bet none of them are sitting around thinking that they are somehow responsible for the Romulans being absolute jerks. It was just bad luck,” he finished softly.

Arin took a deep breath, and it felt like the first one he had taken since he had found out what happened to the landing party.

“Besides,” Dan continued with a rakish grin, and Arin felt his heart melting at the sight, “you complain about everything. Doesn’t make this one thing any more special.”

Dan’s hand was laying on the bed, palm up, and Arin was gripped with the urge to hold it so strong it nearly jerked him forward in his seat. It seemed like such a great, wonderful idea he couldn’t understand why he hadn’t done it the second he walked in the room. Why he hadn’t done it months ago when they’d been sitting so close on the shared couch in the holodeck.

“I don’t know how I’d survive on this damn ship if you weren’t here every day,” Arin blurted out instead. “It wouldn’t just be boring, it’d be fucking excruciating. You make me happy, not just because you’re my friend, but just because you exist and if I never got to see you smile again I just don’t what I’d do with myself.”

There was a stunned silence in the room, only permeated by the sounds of machines beeping in the hallways as both men tried to come to terms with what Arin had just said.

“That was pretty gay, man.”

Arin glared.

“Oh quit being a dumbass and just come over here and kiss me,” Dan finally said, sitting up in his bed.

They shared wide, identical grins before Arin stood up and did as Dan asked.

Joining Starfleet had to have been the best god damn decision of Arin’s life.

[swandrews]

Further Adventures of Dwayne Carlos and Company, Parts 2 and 3

**This blog only goes one way, so if you are catching up you may want to scroll back to “Further Adventures with Dwayne Carlos and Company, Part 1”, or to “It Is That Year”. I mean, you can look back further than that but I think most of the preceding 4 years (after my surgery etc) boils down to “I had an MRI/it was fine”.**

WARINING: This bit is extremely long…very busy few weeks on the mental & emotional teeter-totter.

Part 2 - in which the trap is discovered to have already been sprung, and serious considerations go all wackadoo

September 24-25

When it was learned that eflornithine/Vaniqa-for-brains + older chemo did nothing for me (nothing that was good, anyway), we were presented with a few other possibilities. One of them had already been mentioned and quickly dismissed: stage 1 trial, the herpes cold sore virus, theoretically converted into only going after cancer, injected into the brain. Still seemed…kind of crazy? Another was standard, but generally only taken by those who have run out of options: an injected medication, Avastin, used for a variety of cancers, sometimes helps some people. Another round of my first chemo was listed as “doubtful, but you could try it”.

And then there was another trial just opened up, for a type of medication you have probably heard about in recent news: immunotherapy. It has had very limited effects for brain cancer BUT for SOME people who have been on it, there has been very promising, if not near-miraculous results. It worked for Jimmy Carter, for his melanoma that spread to his brain! They think that people who have a higher “tumor mutational burden” are most likely to respond well to immunotherapy. And that’s me! When I read about the studies that Dana-Farber had made about my tumor tissues, that was the thing that stuck out the most to me. I didn’t know what it meant but it did not seem good: apparently I had a “tumor mutational burden/megabase” that was 82% higher than all glioma cancers they’d looked at. And while I now understand it slightly better, it is still way beyond my ability to explain what little I know - but the upshot is that it makes Dwayne Carlos potentially much easier to take down.

The explanatory papers on the immunotherapy trial were frightening, as they all are, but it did seem like the best option available and I started to get…well, maybe not excited, but hopeful? I was hopeful. So I said, yes, let’s do that. OK. I filled out the forms and answered a lot of questions. There was some concern about problems I’d had with my eyes in the past and recently, which they were checking on, but we were proceeding with paperwork and scheduling and I was getting ready to do this thing! and then I got a phone call:

“Everything seems fine with your eyes and you’re good to go with all of that. But… it turns out that there’s not enough of your preserved tumor samples remaining for this trial. You can’t be in this trial. Sorry!… I’m calling to talk about your other options, like the [cold sore virus brain injection]?”

“Not enough tumor samples remaining”??? Why?!??! Well, some of it was used for trial studies for the [lengthy & furious string of invectives] Vaniqa, and some of it was used for the oconopanel studies they had done, in which they found how I’d potentially be a star in the immunotherapy trial that I was no longer able to do because the trial required more tumor samples than I had left. !!! I was so upset that I was barely able to speak, and I am still pretty much unable to write about the fall from rising hope to its abrupt and total disappearance. I will say that they were surprised by the discovery…I don’t know where the blame lies for all of this, and would like to find out but I don’t have that kind of time.

My remaining options were as listed above: brain cold sores, questionable chemo, standard last-ditch Avastin. I did some research on the Avastin, and learned that one of the main reasons that it is often considered a last-ditch drug is that, if it works at all (it doesn’t for everyone), sooner or later—could be several years or a few months— it stops working and when it does, for many people the cancer tends to come back at super strength and lightning speed and then you are done. It’s like a timer starts ticking when you begin that treatment. I don’t know why this was never mentioned to me by any doctor who has been involved in all this, but I brought it up in conversation with a doctor today and was answered with a sad head nod. Also, it turns out that the same is sort of true for the chemo I spent a year on, though not as brutal as the Avastin: when the cancer comes back, it tends to be stronger, and that does indeed seem to be the case with me.

So, unbelievably, the previously tested on mice, stage 1 cold sore brain injection trial was actually starting to look like maybe my best option.  I had an online appointment set up with a surgeon, to talk about my limited options if there were any (I had already been told a number of times that my tumor was in a spot that is too risky/would be too deep in my language center/etc). That surgeon just happened to be the guy who was heading up the cold sore brain injection trial.

Part 3 - in which we come full circle and thankfully reach the end of this awful chapter…

The surgeon was a very nice guy. He asked me to talk about my history, I think more to get a better idea of how I talked and how well my Remaining Brain was working than for information, and he took me on a little tour of my recent MRI images, explaining everything I saw: “this all is your skull, here, and see, here you can see your jaws… and now if we turn it, this here is your left ear and here is your right…”. I eventually had to stop him and tell him I had seen many, many MRIs. I think that maybe most patients he sees have had a worse run with brain cancer by the time they get to him, and so have a harder time understanding what he’s trying to show and explain.

I had been extremely anxious about the meeting but talking with him was surprisingly less stressful than I had anticipated. We spoke about the cold sore injection trial. I had looked into it more, and it did seem like it might have real future promise, someday, but it was at a stage now where the studies were still mostly testing just for basic safety, more than effectiveness. I told him what I had learned about the cold sore studies, and said, this is really positive work but at this point, how or why does anyone choose to join this trial? He told me: they choose to do it when they have run out of options, and you are not there yet. We asked his opinion about my other options, the Avastin and the chemo retrial. He was refreshingly blunt: “No, bad idea.” He saw the options and saw that they held more potential problems than potential benefit.

My options, he said, definitely could include more surgery. Unlike everything I had heard so far, he was of the opinion that removing my new tumor should be relatively easy. They would have to check with an fMRI, but it appears that my tumor growth is near but not directly in what is the general language/speech area. As for getting at the tumor area, well, he says it should be easier than the last surgery since now I have a great big empty space in my brain to get through. I was confused: why had everyone been saying that surgery was too much of a risk, and this surgeon was nearly blasé about it? But he is the head of neurosurgery for one of the country’s top hospitals. I guess he knows what he is talking about.

We asked how soon surgery would be possible; “Next week, if you like.” Uh, no thank you! Not next week! Maybe the week after that! So we left it at that, and after another talk with my ocono-neurologist, we went ahead and started the process for surgery. I’m scheduled to go in this coming week for an fMRI (I never wanted to go through brain surgery again but I was kind of hoping for another fMRI!), and then the following week I am scheduled for brain surgery. It is frightening and it has serious risks and will come with a bunch of new challenges (all of which I hope to write about more in the little time I have left before surgery, but not right now!)—but it is a solid path forward. It is possible they’ll be able to get the whole thing, which would be wonderful (if they can do it without robbing me of too much speech). Or, if they can’t, they can get more of the cancer tissue needed for them to learn more about where my tumor is at, and get me into more clinical trials. I am not thrilled about brain surgery, but I am so relieved to be on more solid ground.

Part 3.5 -  …or do we???!??

Don’t think I mentioned before but Dana-Farber and Brigham & Women’s Hospital are deeply connected, my MRIs are at BWH and so is the surgeon and the upcoming surgery, etc. So this is not great:

This was already under way even as I spoke to the surgeon but I only learned about it a few hours ago (Friday).  I just…I’m done for now. Done. Everything is fine.  

[griffithdylan]

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[aquarianlights]

Depending on how tomorrow goes, I may or may not go MIA from every single social media site and texting app that everyone knows me on without any notice but this. I’m not really telling anyone. Posting a mass update here and maybe fb later. But even if tomorrow goes “well” or anywhere in the “good” category...I may be too overwhelmed to be talking to anyone or on any kind of social media for a while. Hours, days, weeks. If it goes poorly, expect me gone for at least a month. If I’m still alive by the end of that---which I should be, coz I will have Echo right by my side and he will never leave my side again and I will do everything in my power to push through and be positive and be a good dad for him---then I will eventually crawl back onto social media. But my queue may run out for the second time in my entire time since I made this blog like 6-7+ years ago. It’s only run out once so far and that’s because it wasn’t maxed out and slowed down before I got institutionalized once and that was a longer stay than normal. Normally I manage to get out before my queue runs out and then ...”treat myself” with a queue filling binge of positive stuff and foxes and glittery things and nerdy things and all things christmas and cold weather. Just general stuff I like...packing it full, coz it’ll usually be on the very last few posts by the time I get out, but no one will have noticed my absence coz it won’t have run out.

But the personal space I will need from how intense this could potentially be...is terrifying for me. I usually go to social media to cope. Somehow, this is so terrifying, that stepping away from social media, stepping away from my friends, and venturing out on my own and putting myself in rather dangerous situations would be my best way to cope. Other than pouring my hours into research and schoolwork... I do have plenty of medical texts to read that I haven’t had the time to do more than skim over [stares longingly at them all].

The amount of overwhelming this is ....is just... it would break a neurotypical person and shred them to pieces. For me? I’m not sure what it will do. The good thing about my particular neurodivergency is that I don’t have much of a conscience to work with (I thought the auditory hallucinations were what everyone was referring to as a conscience until professionals finally told me that’s not what a conscience is and upon further research found I didn’t have one which is great for this situation but damn). I

This could potentially be the hardest moment of my entire life, but I won’t know that until I’m lying on my death bed. This could potentially be the biggest mistake I ever make, but I won’t know that until I’m lying on my death bed. This could potentially be the best thing that ever happens to me, but again... I won’t know that until I’m lying on my death bed. As of right now...at the age of 26...on the date of February 24th, 2018. . .this WILL be the hardest day of my entire life to date. This will be the hardest thing I will ever have to do in my life, no matter the outcome. I’m not scared; I’m sick. I feel like it’d be a better idea to kill myself than go through with this. I’d get to avoid the whole thing.

I hate how logical that is.

And I hate how there’s literally not a single counter argument to it and not even one downside. There WAS one downside and that was that my friends would grieve and/or care but the two people who I was worried about caring/grieving and it affecting their lives have thoroughly proven it won’t and that they do not. That’s not pessimism or anything. That’s just cold, hard fact. Yeah, it’s a sad fact. But. . .it’s fact nonetheless. And I gotta look at the truth one way or another. Facts don’t change just because they’re not in my favour.

I really do hate how logical suicide is right now.

And I really do hate how there isn’t a single counter-argument to it. And how I have absolutely no one in my corner right now and how I have to support every single one of my friends despite the fact I have told them over and over again that I can’t be there for them and to stop and to back the fuck off with their damn problems, because I’m going through too much of my own stuff to help them with theirs. There’s only two people I will put aside my ridiculous mountain of issues that could possibly lead to my death and hopefully will to help...One has proven she is and always has been in my corner no matter what she’s going through. And the other has proven that she is definitely unreliable and won’t be there for me no matter how hard I try for her. The first one... She is the strongest person ever and she will get through my death. She will. She’s been through worse. The second one won’t care even in the slightest or even notice. I’m pretty sure she’d be relieved and happy, tbh. Lol. She’d be out there thinkin’ “FINALLY, DAMN” lolololol. I know I would be. Like, I know I WILL be when I finally do it and get to move on to the next plane of existence and get those brief moments as an infant where you’re not able to speak or communicate in any way because you have all your memories from your past life? Yeah. I’m gonna be fucking throwing a party in whatever form of a crib or bed type thing my new planet and new species has. I hope to fuck my new species is a lot more peaceful than this one. And I hope they’re more advanced and more intelligent. I guess that depends on my karma and I have no clue where my karma is at right now tbh coz I’ve done so many EXTREMELY horrible things in my life, but I’ve also done almost the exact same amount of EXTREMELY amazingly genuinely GOOD things in my life at this point that it practically balances it out to 0 so I’m just all [shruggy emoji] on whether the omnipotent fate aliens would demote or promote me during reincarnation. Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Man. Tomorrow may just kill me. Hell, if I don’t kill myself before I start the drive tomorrow, I have 2 1/2 hours of driving to think about killing myself every single goddamn second during the drive there...and if, for some weird reason, I don’t have my dog on the way home...... I will have another 2 1/2 hours to think every single second about killing myself. And how the fuck easy would it be to do on Blood Mountain? I’m p sure my car takes via the route that goes over Blood Mountain. People die on Blood Mountain just driving normally.... All I gotta do is push the limits a little. Not hard to die on Blood Mountain...lmao. Not hard AT ALL. I hope my GPS takes me that way coz that’s when I start recognizing where I am and know I’m getting SORT OF close-ish I guess??? and then that idea of suicide just sounds WAY better so...not a bad idea to take a BUNCH of pills in the town right BEFORE blood mountain and then speed through it when I can’t feel my fucking feet on the pedals and am nodding off at the wheel so that I drive my car right through a guard rail or over the side of the cliff OR right into the rock wall. Yep. That sounds p fucking fantastic. Ugh. I have the worst ideas regarding car deaths and I can never do it coz I don’t wanna total my car.... Lmao. The only thing that stops me from doing it is coz I don’t wanna total my car and being a med student, my mind goes through the entire list of “what COULD happen” and how slow of a death if no one finds me and this and that and calculations and blah blah blah and palatalization and amputations and blah blah BLAH and ruining dreams for if I am FORCED into living and BLAH BLAH BLAH and car suicide is the absolute WORST idea for someone who NEEDS a bright, fast, chaotic, able-bodied future if they are forced to live omg lmao BUT....I mean, I have so many other methods in my head that I know practically all the things and I’ve tried so many ways now that I just know what I can and can’t handle and I think tomorrow is gonna be the make or break. But having Echo in the car with me after being broken..........will force me to stay alive. Which will suck so badly. But I will have to also compartmentalize all my pain and my negativity so that he’s not even MORE stressed out than by all the commotion of the situation and then by this crazy car ride and by most likely throwing up in the car.

ERGH.

I need to stop thinking about this and distract myself but I also need to rest my joints so I guess I’m gonna watch a documentary.... something nice and calming but also stimulating... I just wish people didn’t talk so monotone when narrating documentaries. Especially when it’s about the supernatural and extraterrestrials and government experiments and stuff. Like COME ON, NARRATORS. GET EXCITED. GET INTO IT! FOR FUCKS SAKE, THERE’S A REASON PEOPLE GET PUT TO SLEEP BY DOCUMENTARIES AND IT’S NOT THE DOCUMENTARY....IT’S YOU! THE NARRATOR! YOU’RE THE ISSUE. GET INVOLVED. GET HYPED ABOUT THE INFORMATION! GET PASSIONATE. FOR FUCKS SAKE, IT’S COOL STUFF. FUCKING ACT LIKE IT, YA DAMN MONOTONE, ROBOTIC NIMROD. Ergh. Someone needs to sign me up to narrate a documentary. I used to speak at public rallies about puppy mills all over my county to educate the masses during high school because I was enraged about it and TRUST ME when YOU’RE having FUN WITH IT or ENRAGED BY IT or THINK THE INFORMATION IS COOL and REALLY GET INTO IT...........SO WILL YOUR AUDIENCE. It’s not the information that’s boring. It’s not the documentary that’s boring. It’s not the subject material. IT’S THE NARRATOR. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE TO PAY ME JUST LET ME DO THEIR DAMN JOB CORRECTLY SO I CAN SHOW THEM HOW TO DO THEIR DAMN JOBS SO THEY CAN LEARN. FUCK.

dfkhdglskagjdshlkg Omg.

No okay now I’m gonna get angry at a documentary narrator for not doing their job correctly. Lmao. Gotta watch something uh.... Passionate. I guess. But that doesn’t require too much focus. But doesn’t numb my mind. Star Trek. I always default to Star Trek. Jfc. I guess I’mma pop on some Weyoun heavy episodes while I wait for the “all clear” on my joint timer thing so I can get up and exercise and do some fucking research and maybe pleasure-read for a bit before more joint resting because long drives and lots of heavy lifting is a big no-no and I’m not supposed to but things aren’t gonna pack themselves. Things aren’t gonna sort themselves?? LIKE??? Fuck it’s gonna be SO hard leaving majority of my material possessions that have so much personal value to me. :/ Argh. I don’t even have the ability to take them in order to sell them. I don’t even have that kind of strength or time. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

EDS is a fucking bitch, man. Fucking BITCH. T-Therapy better fucking cure EDS. Like. They’re all on board with it. 4 of my specialists are. And I’m meeting with my HRT doc next week. This coming week. So.... we’ll see. She cordoned off 2 appointments for me for all the things. Sigh. 

Oh right. Yes. Joint rest.

I’m bad at this. I hate resting. I really do. I hate being stationary. I hate not being able to do stuff. I HATE THIS AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH EDS is a fucking killer for people with former suicidal depression who had had it all their life and it had apparently been fixed by meds and now suddenly it’s back like WOW fuck EDS. Ugh. And I’m getting all these phone calls from my docs as my tests come back telling me I need to change my diet to avoid this and that and change this and that like whole HUGE lifestyle changes but adding “We’ll go over the full thing at our next appointment, but I STRONGLY ADVISE...” I’m like, “Well bitch as long as you tell me it’s just advise and not a MUST, I want a damn biscuit okay. Fuck your no gluten.” But then again, I have a stomach ulcer so I can’t really eat ANYTHING right now so wah. [whines]

FUCK. KILLIAN. LIE DOWN. STOP TYPING. I NEED SOMEONE TO FUCKING WHACK ME WITH A FUCKING RULER OR SOMETHING LIKE THE NUNS USED TO DO IN MY PRIVATE, CATHOLIC SCHOOL. LMAO.

[stops now...for real this time...but reluctantly and rather bitterly]

[thisdaynews]

Panorama: Fresh questions over Mo Farah's relationship with Alberto Salazar

New Post has been published on https://thebiafrastar.com/panorama-fresh-questions-over-mo-farahs-relationship-with-alberto-salazar/

Panorama: Fresh questions over Mo Farah's relationship with Alberto Salazar

Salazar (centre) alongside Farah (right) and American training partner Galen Rupp at the London 2012 Olympics

Fresh questions over Mo Farah’s relationship with his banned former coach Alberto Salazar have been raised in a new BBC Panorama investigation.

Documents show Farah repeatedly denied to US Anti-Doping (Usada) investigators he had received injections of the controversial supplement L-carnitine before the 2014 London Marathon.

Farah later changed his account to Usada investigators, saying he had forgotten.

The documents also reveal how a UK Athletics official was dispatched to Switzerland to collect the legal supplement from a contact of Salazar’s.

Emails obtained by Panorama show how UKA officials had initially expressed concern about whether the injection was safe and within the “spirit of the sport”.

The Panorama programme ‘Mo Farah and the Salazar Scandal’ will be screened on Monday, 24 February. It also reveals new allegations about Salazar.

The background

Salazar ran the Nike Oregon Project – home to British four-time Olympic champion Farah from 2011 until 2017.

In 2015 a Panorama investigation, in collaboration with US website ProPublica, first revealed allegations of doping by Salazar, the coach widely credited with helping turn Farah into Britain’s greatest athlete. The programme sparked a Usada investigation, resulting in Salazar being given a four-year ban from the sport by a panel of US arbitrators in October 2019.

Salazar rejects the findings and is appealing against the ban.

In a statement he said: “The panel made clear that I had acted in ‘good faith’ and without ‘any bad intention to commit the violations’.

Two of Salazar’s violations relate to using a banned method to administer an infusion of L-carnitine, a legal supplement.

L-carnitine is a naturally occurring amino acid, which, if injected straight into the bloodstream, some research suggests could help speed metabolism and boost athletic performance.

Infusions or injections were permitted within World Anti-Doping Agency (Wada) rules provided the volume was below 50ml every six hours.

In 2014, Farah finished eighth in his first London Marathon. Three years later, when the Sunday Times reported that he had received an infusion of L-carnitine, the Digital, Culture, Media and Sport select committee inquiry ‘Combatting Doping in Sport’ called Farah’s team before it to explain.

Dr Robin Chakraverty, then UKA’s chief medical officer, said “an injection” of L-carnitine had been a joint decision between him and UKA’s head of distance running Barry Fudge, taken after research, considering the risks and possible side-effects.

The committee was assured the volume was 13.5ml, well within the allowable limit, though Dr Charaverty failed to record it. There is no evidence any rules were broken.

Farah finished eighth at the London Marathon in 2014

The new evidence

Panorama’s evidence sheds new light on the situation and raises questions about Salazar’s influence.

Emails between UKA officials in the days leading up to the marathon reveal their concerns about giving the injection.

On 6 April 2014, Fudge wrote: “Whilst this process is completely within the Wada code there is a philosophical argument about whether this is within the ‘spirit of the sport…’.”

He added: “Although Alberto and Mo have expectations about doing this, we are not at a point where we… can’t pull out.”

Former UKA performance director Neil Black admits “a degree of discomfort”.

He wrote “… should we really be trialling this process so close to the London Marathon? … That’s before we even think about the spirit of sport.”

Dr Chakraverty seemed concerned about possible “side-effects.”

He wrote “… it would have been better to have trialled it in someone first.”

“I understand [Salazar] is keen but… we should be asking him to follow this advice.”

A decision was taken to go ahead. But there was a problem: the concentrated form of the L-carnitine supplement they wanted could not be sourced in the UK. That is where Salazar comes in.

Salazar introduced Fudge to a contact of his in Switzerland who was able to order batch-tested L-carnitine in the form needed.

And so Fudge jumped on a plane to Switzerland, met Salazar’s contact and collected a package of injectable L-carnitine and brought it back to London.

There was not time to trial it on anyone to make sure it had no side-effects. Just two days before the race, on 11 April, in Farah’s room within The Tower – the official London Marathon hotel – the L-carnitine was injected into the arm of Farah by Dr Chakraverty.

At the DCMS select committee, Dr Chakraverty referred to “an injection”. In fact four injections were given to Farah, spaced over two hours through a butterfly needle, with Salazar, Fudge and Black looking on.

Panorama understands other elite British athletes racing that day were not offered the same treatment.

Toni Minichiello, who coached Olympic heptathlon gold medallist Jessica Ennis Hill and sits on the UKA members’ council, told Panorama: “That’s pretty damning. I’m shocked. Barry Fudge in that instance has to explain… what was your logic for doing that?

“And you’re an employee of UK Athletics, so UK Athletics, why would you allow one of your staff to do that?”

‘Not the full picture’

Damian Collins MP, then chair of the DCMS select committee, said there has been no mention of this level of concern, or trips to Switzerland, when Dr Chakraverty and Fudge appeared before his committee.

“I don’t think we did get the full picture because what, I think, comes out of those emails is that this wasn’t a routine thing,” Collins said.

Asked if Salazar had been directing all of this, Travis Tygart of Usada told Panorama: “[UKA] were absolutely in concert [with Salazar], there’s no doubt about that.

“I think it’s the lengths that people who want to win and are incentivised to win will go, if they have the money and the resources to do it.”

Denials

When athletes are drug-tested, they are required to list all medications and supplements they have taken within the past seven days. Farah was tested six days after the injection – 17 April 2014. Despite listing a number of other products and medicines, he failed to record L-carnitine on his doping control form.

A year later, as part of their probe into Salazar, investigators with Usada flew to London to interview UKA officials – and Farah.

Farah was questioned by Usada officials for nearly five hours – and Panorama has obtained a transcript of that interview.

Asked specifically and multiple times whether he had an L-carnitine injection before the London Marathon, Farah repeatedly denied it.

He was asked: “If someone said that you were taking L-carnitine injections, are they not telling the truth?”

Farah said: “Definitely not telling the truth, 100%. I’ve never taken L-carnitine injections at all.”

He is then asked: “Are you sure that Alberto Salazar hasn’t recommended that you take L-carnitine injections?”

Farah responds: “No, I’ve never taken L-carnitine injections.”

He is asked again: “You’re absolutely sure that you didn’t have a doctor put a butterfly needle… into your arm… and inject L-carnitine a few days before the London marathon?”

Farah says: “No. No chance.”

We have learned that minutes after the interview, Farah then met Fudge, who had been interviewed by Usada the day before.

Farah then rushed back in as the investigators were packing up. He changed his account.

Farah tells Usada: “So I just wanted to come clear, sorry guys, and I did take it at the time and I thought I didn’t…”

He is asked: “So you received L-carnitine… before the London marathon?”

Farah answers: “Yeah.”

He adds: “There was a lot of talk before… and Alberto’s always thinking about ‘What’s the best thing?’ ‘What’s the best thing?'”

The Usada investigator says “… a few days before the race… with… Alberto present and your doctor and Barry Fudge and you’re telling us all about that now but you didn’t remember any of that when I… kept asking you about this?”

Farah responds: “It all comes back for me, but at the time I didn’t remember.”

Mo Farah declined to be interviewed by Panorama.

In a letter, Farah’s lawyers said: “It is not against [Wada rules] rules to take [L-carnitine] as a supplement within the right quantities.

“The fact some people might hold views as to whether this is within the ‘spirit’ of the sport is irrelevant.

“Mr Farah… is one of the most tested athletes in the UK, if not the world, and has been required to fill in numerous doping forms. He is a human being and not robot.

“Interviews are not memory tests. Mr Farah understood the question one way and as soon as he left the room he asked Mr Fudge and immediately returned… to clarify and it is plain the investigators were comfortable with this explanation.”

The documents also reveal that Fudge did not initially disclose his trip to Switzerland to obtain the L carnitine.

When asked by Usada investigators how he obtained the L-carnitine, he said: “It is a prescription-based product in the UK, so we provided it.”

He was then asked if he got it from Pete Julian, a coach at the Oregon Project. He answered: “No, it was a prescription-based product.”

However, he returned to the interview room the next day, having been asked by Usada to provide relevant emails. Fudge told them: “I don’t think I told you guys enough… I don’t think I told you anything that wasn’t correct, I just feel I probably should expand on it a bit more.”

Fudge then told Usada that batch-tested L-carnitine hadn’t been available in the UK, and that he had travelled to Switzerland to collect the product from Salazar’s contact.

‘This should be looked at in some seriousness’

Collins added: “This very specific medicine was required, sourced at great difficulty, given against the initial advice of the doctor. But yet, no-one keeps any records of it and everyone decides to keep quiet about it.

“I think this is something that should be looked at in some seriousness.”

In a statement Dr Chakraverty said: “I have not contravened any [world anti-doping] rules, and have always acted in the best interests of those I treat.

“The evidence I provided to [MPs] was an honest account – including an acknowledgement that my usual standard of record keeping slipped due to heavy work commitments and travel.

“The GMC reviewed this and concluded that the case required no further action.”

In a statement, UKA said: “A small number of British athletes have used L-carnitine and, to our knowledge, all doses and methods of administration have been fully in accordance with Wada protocol.

“The dosage provided to Mo Farah was well within the 50ml limit permitted.

“Full and honest accounts of the process were given in all forums. Any suggestion to the contrary is false and misleading.”

Salazar said: “No Oregon Project athlete used a medication against the spirit of the sport. Any medication taken was done so on the advice and under the supervision of registered medical professionals.”

In 2015, UK Athletics carried out a review into Panorama’s allegations. Despite former UKA chairman Ed Warner telling the BBC this week he strongly advised Farah to split from Salazar, the review found “no reason to be concerned” about Salazar continuing to coach Farah.

A fresh UKA review is under way to establish whether any mistakes were made in its handling of the Salazar episode.

Collins added: “I think it leaves UK Athletics in a very difficult position. And this seems, to me, that UK Athletics effectively… gave Alberto Salazar… sort of total control over the preparation and training of some of our most celebrated athletes with not very much oversight from people at UK Athletics as to what they were doing and whether they were acting in the best interests of either the sport or that individual athlete and that’s a failing on their part.”

Read More

[bookwyrmling]

Birth of the Seishun

So I’ve talked and talked about Space AU and @solosorca and @notapillowfight have written and drawn for it and referred to it as mine, but that just didn’t seem write without doing some writing for it, myself.  SO!  Here is a before-the-beginning piece.

It won’t line up quite exactly with @solosorca‘s because everyone writes a bit differently, BUT it was a scene that I simply had to write. The creation of the Seishun!

“Ah, Commander Ryuzaki, I know the board is happy you are finally ready to present your next project. There were rumblings over how long it was taking despite the large amount of funds provided.”

Sumire pursed her lips and clenched her fists behind her back as she stared at the elevator floor sign, watching the feet fly by as they rose past where artificial gravity was required and up to the counterweight and waiting short-distance vessel.

“Well, Banji, some of us would rather not risk another incident like what happened on the Yamabuki last solar cycle,” she replied with a forced smile for the video drone trained on the three of them, knowing exactly who was watching the live feed and how much she would need to impress them.

“Ahhhh.”

Sumire and Mikiya both turned to the other companion in the elevator—the only one who hadn't groaned when the artificial gravity had turned on and the lightness that had been creeping up on their aging bodies had disappeared.

The elevator slowed to its stop and dinged just as the door slid open to the typical organized chaos of any spaceport.

“Generals, welcome to TES-2. If you will follow me to the bay, your transit awaits,” a young man spoke and saluted the three. Ryuzaki and Mikiya both saluted in return, while Ojii reached into his pocket before holding his fist out.

“Candy,” he said, waving the young man closer with his other hand before dropping the wrapped hardcandy into his hand with a smile.

“Er...thank you, Sir,” the man said as he closed his fingers around the piece before turning and leading the three into the hangar where an ion-propulsion ship meant for the short trip between TES-2 and the lunar orbital spacestation which was their ultimate destination. It was only once the vessel had obtained clearance and taken off, leaving behind the spaceport that served as counterweight to ISEF's second space elevator, that conversation picked up again.

“With as quick a timetable as you have presented to us and the board, I imagine you already have a crew roster more or less decided on?” Mikiya asked with his ever present smile and Sumire could feel the holes he was attempting to poke in her project.

She smirked. “If you had taken the time to peruse the supplement earlier, you might have noticed the roster beginning on page 8. This is a large project and there are still spaces to fill, but I believe the names you recognize in leadership positions will help to give an idea of what I am looking to build,” she spoke carefully, with just enough censure to not be caught unaware while sniping at Mikiya's barbed words.

Sumire watched as both men pulled up the holodocs and scrolled through them to page 8, faces furrowing as they read through a number of familiar names.

“This is....”Mikiya began before pursing his lips. Ojii hummed and nodded his head and Sumire smiled with pride, ready for the questions she knew would come.

“Your choice for captain is an interesting one, General,” Mikiya finally began.

“Tezuka has substantial experience as a combatant and battalion leader,” Sumire explained, “He has also long since passed the tests required for captaincy qualification. He was beginning to learn on his last duty station—“

“You mean under Yamato?” Mikiya cut in, “After what happened there, did he even receive any experience? Do we want him to have? The last thing ISEF needs is another severe military loss. The man surrendered.”

“Yamato was a brilliant captain and made his decision with the lives of the entire ship at the forefront,” Sumire rebutted, “If the original calls for distress when they were ambushed had been appropriately responded to, there might not have been need for surrender.”

“We had to ransom every single one of them!”

“But they are alive and home.”

Sumire eyed Ojii, curious as to his responses. The man rarely spoke and his body grew frailer each year, but his mind was still a steel trap and no one dared mention retirement around him. Ojii smiled at her and that was all Sumire needed to continue.

“Tezuka has been cleared for duty by both a psychologist and medical doctor and is interested in the position. He has taken on extra courses and personal training to prepare and will be participating as first lieutenant in a small reconnaissance trip in the Proxima Centauri system in two months. He'll be back in plenty of time to take leave before taking charge of the Seishun,” Sumire explained. “His military prowess is what helped hold the ambush of the Yume Utsutsu back for as long as it did. He was awarded a medal of honor for his acts and is still held in substantial respect both in ISEF and the world at large. He has received direct commendation from our interstellar allies. It's not every day Rikkai is held at bay. Do you still wish to question his assignment?”

“I believe that is reason enough for the board,” Mikiya merely smiled before continuing down the list. “I see you have enlisted Fuji Syusuke for Communications. I assumes this means you are not planning on deep space missions. Yet you have quite a broad spectrum of scientists. Inui Sadaharu? Your own granddaughter?”

“The Seishun is made for medium to long-range assignments,” Sumire answered, “While it has the capacity for deep space ventures, it is built with staying in mapped quadrants in mind. The threat of the Rikkai empire has become stronger every year and their ambush of the Yume Utsutsu and obliteration of the Kanagawa blockade within the last decade means they are on their way and will be here sooner rather than later. The Seishun is an experiment of mine. If it is successful, I suggest we switch to mass productions of similarly classed vessels who are able to stand up against the Rikkai fleet alone.”

“Alone?!”

Her communicator instantly flew to life with notifications and the video drone zoomed in on her face as the board made its concerns clear. Sumire only smiled, crossed her arms and opened communications with the small craft's pilot. “About how far are we from LOS?” she asked.

“We'll be docking in under an hour,” the pilot replied.

“You should be seeing it come into view in the next fifteen minutes,” the copilot added.

“Thank you, ladies,” Sumire replied before brushing the video drone away and muting her communicator.

“General Ryuzaki, are you truly suggesting one ship as being capable of standing up against the onslaught of the Rikkai Empire?” Mikiya asked and Sumire sighed.

“First,” she pointed out, “The Empire, for the most part, is never at full strength. Fleets are lead by several separate heads as far as intel has been able to suggest. The Seishun is built to, under correct response and leadership, withstand and fight off the onslaught of one fleet. It is meant to survive.”

“We are not ready for war.”

“No, we're not. And the Seishun is not solely a warship. It's mainly a patrol ship. It is not meant to seek the Rikkai to purposefully engage in combat. Not yet,” Sumire continued, “The Seishun is fully equipped with a research lab and will be staffed by a multitude of science officers who have education in a broad spectrum of fields. It means there can be direct and instantaneous action taken by the scientific community on board to deal with biochemical attacks or any unknown substances they meet with. Inui Sadaharu, Chief Science Officer, actually volunteered for the position.” Sumire honestly wasn't sure how he had found out about it, but she would not complain over holding the interest of one of the top ISEF scientists, even if his methods were unusual. “As for my granddaughter's presence on the list, she will be graduating top of her division in five months time and has worked as a research assistant for Inui. Her presence is based on his recommendation.”

“But if they are not actively seeking out Rikkai, what are they doing otherwise?” Mikiya asked, “I do not see the point of this project. The few times they may run into Rikkai notwithstanding—assuming they do make it through successfully—is the project worth the funds being poured into it?”

“The Seishun is meant to patrol in areas more likely to be targeted by Rikkai, so as to catch sightings and hold them off before any incursions make it too far into our space,” Sumire continued to argue, “Which means the likelihood of them meeting a fleet is increased substantially. Outside of patrol and vigilance for distress calls, as well as drills to keep in top form, however, the Seishun, with its fully staffed science division working in cooperation with the ship as a whole, is capable of furthering our understanding of different planets and systems in their patrol areas. Probes tell us the basics, but it takes more than a few samples and data readings every two-hundred years to tell us what we're looking at and how best to make use of it.”

“Hmm hmm hmm,” Ojii hummed in approval with a smile on his face. Sumire knew he would understand. A measurable amount of how she had built and planned this ship was taken from how deep space exploratory groups were cross-trained and had multi-use positions and functionalities. It required very flexible individuals and was not always the easiest to staff, but the groups that succeeded were a boon to ISEF. Ojii's own Rokkaku was proof enough of that. It was a major reason she would be speaking with Ojii further about her proposed roster—but only when Mikiya had left.

Mikiya, on the other hand, had turned back to the holodoc, scrolling through name after name and Sumire wondered if he had finally reached the end of his questions when he slammed the breaks on his perusing, eyes opening wide in delicious shock. “Is this whom I think it is?”

Sumire smiled, knowing the exact name he had stumbled upon. “Indeed,” she confirmed, “Echizen Ryoma is the son of that Echizen Nanjiroh.”

“He can't be old enough,” Mikiya argued, but Sumire could see the interest in his eyes behind the surprise and disbelief.

“He was raised in America and you know they begin combat training early. He passed the exams for ISEF at age 12 and has completed his formal training as of last year,” Sumire stated smugly, “I reached out to his father and obtained confirmation of interest. As soon as everything is approved here today, I will be sending out contracts to everyone on this list.”

Mikiya's tense shoulders seemed to loosen a bit as he leaned back in his seat after closing the holodoc, “So he is just one of the standard pilots, then, not leadership...”

“Well, that is up to the ship's captain,” Sumire argued, “Tezuka knows best what will work with his ship, but Echizen Ryoma is a commissioned ISEF officer and could, indeed, take on a position of command.”

“But a child?”

“For any who have concerns as to Echizen Ryoma's abilities, I highly recommend you look into his personnel file. Even before completing his training, he was probably one of the top fighter pilots ISEF held.” Sumire looked down at her watch to check the time and smirked as she looked back up at her audience—including those watching by screen through the video drone—and asked, “Any further questions?”

When she was met with silence she looked out the front window as the turned the last few degrees to face not only the lunar orbital spacestation, but a large ship making its way from the docking bay.

“Ahhh,” Ojii supplied as he stood and walked over to the window for a closer look. Sumire sent a side-eyed glance at Mikiya to see his eyes wide in surprise as he whiteknuckled the arms of his chair.

“Ladies and gentlemen and those in between and outside,” Sumire introduced with a proud smirk as she faced the front windshield and the gargantuan ship that was now passing directly in front of them, “May I introduce to you the Seishun. It will be marked fully operational upon completion of today's successful test run. After which I will be more than happy to take you all on a tour.”

[workingmotivation]

What exactly IS Bullet Journalling…and why should anyone care? Bullet Journalling is an analogue planner ‘system’ created by Ryder Carroll, a digital product designer based in Brooklyn, New York. You can find out the backstory, as well as the original guidelines, at “Bullet Journal - The analog system for the digital age”, but in a nutshell: Bullet Journalling is a way of taking planning and organisation back to basics. This is the official description from Ryder: “The Bullet Journal is a customizable and forgiving organization system. It can be your to-do list, sketchbook, notebook, and diary, but most likely, it will be all of the above. It will teach you to do more with less” The basic concept is that you take a notebook (any notebook)…and use it to help you get – and stay – organised, clear and productive. As solopreneurs, we are not strangers to overwhelm and procrastination. Bullet Journalling is the ONLY system I’ve found to date that truly helps me stay on top of what I’ve got going on, and keeps me moving forward. I attribute this to its simplicity – it’s simple, flexible, and completely practical.

What you need to get started ?

Unlike most other organisational tools or planners, the Bullet Journal requires no expensive or special materials to set up. All you need is: ~ A good notebook ~ A good pen And that’s it! That’s all you need to start your own BuJo. Of course, there are so many other things you can use in your BuJo (such as washi tape and stamps). I cover these further down the post. But all you really need is a notebook and pen, and you’re good to go.

How to choose the PERFECT notebook ?

As you’ll be using your BuJo for probably at least a couple of months (depending on how much you use it), it makes sense to choose a notebook that can stand up to the strains of everyday life. Size: Probably the most important thing to think about when it comes to choosing your BuJo notebook is size. I personally find an A5 (half-letter) size notebook is perfect, although I know of others who use letter sized, and others who use Midori (personal) sized notebooks. Size really doesn’t matter – but what does matter is that you choose a size you’re most comfortable with. Cover: Another thing you might like to think about is whether you’d prefer a hard or soft cover notebook. I personally prefer a hard cover, as I like to throw my BuJo in my handbag when I head out. With soft covers, I find that the edges are more susceptible to curling and tearing, so I like the protection that a hard cover offers. If you plan on adding pages or sticking things into your BuJo, a soft cover may be more suitable, as there is more give in how much the notebook can expand. Binding: Hard-bound, spiral-bound, ring-bound – there are many different types of notebook to choose from. Again, choose something that you feel most comfortable with. I personally prefer a hard-bound book format, as I just love the way it feels! I have tried to incorporate my BuJo into my Filofax, and although it didn’t work for me, I know many people who have done this successfully. Paper quality: I would ALWAYS recommend spending just a little more on a quality notebook (and I’ll share my favourites below), as paper thickness and weight can make all the difference. I personally hate bleeding and shadowing, so using good quality paper can stop your ink looking ugly and messy. Experiment with what feels right to you, and remember that this notebook should last you a while, so it makes sense to buy the best quality you can afford. Paper style: Most notebooks – especially Moleskines and Leuchtturms – are available in a variety of paper styles: plain, lined, gridded and dotted being the most popular. Gridded and dotted tend to be the most versatile, as they’re extremely handy for tracking and sketching. If you don’t really plan on tracking anything in your BuJo, lined may be a better option for you. I personally use dotted.

How to choose the PERFECT pen ?

Pens are a BIG deal in the BuJo community! Some people are extremely particular about which pens they stick to for their BuJo (and I must admit…there is something strangely sexy about gliding a fountain pen over crisp white paper). The way to choose the PERFECT pen for your BuJo is to experiment. Try lots of different types to see what works for you, and what you feel most comfortable with. I personally love my Pilot Frixion pens. These are erasable pens (perfect for crazy creatives like me who change their minds every five seconds 😉 ). The only downside to Frixion pens, however, is that if left in the heat the ink disappears. You can bring it back, but the ink isn’t archival quality (which may not be so great if you’re planning on keeping your journals to reflect on in years to come). Many people swear by Staedtlers, and others love the Sharpie Pen. Again – experiment, and try to choose something that flows freely and easily. I have a page at the back of my BuJo that I call my ‘scratchpad’ – when I want to try out a new pen, I doodle on that page to get a feel for how the pen writes, and how much ink bleed there is.

Now its  the most important point that is how to set up bullet journal...

When it comes to setting up your BuJo for the first time, I highly recommend that you watch Ryder’s video to get a grasp of the basics. There are so many ‘adapted’ Bullet Journal systems out there that it really does help to see the system in its native form. You can then adapt it from there as you need to. In addition to watching Ryder’s video, here are some examples from my own BuJo that will hopefully inspire you to get yours up and running.

INDEX PAGE: I must admit, I don’t use the Index page as much as I probably should, but it’s still really useful to have as a reference. I personally prefer to identify my key pages using tabs (I’ll talk about those later in the post), however having an Index means you can easily find certain pages. In my first BuJos, I used to enter all of my pages into the Index; now, I just enter important things I want to be able to reference quickly. I don’t generally index daily pages.

YEAR AT A GLANCE: The first page of my BuJo isn’t something that’s included in Ryder’s original setup, however I find it invaluable for quick reference. I have a ‘year at a glance’ page, where I can quickly look up dates for the whole of 2016. I was inspired to do this page by an image I found on Pinterest, though I can’t find it now. If you have seen it, please let me know so I can attribute it! 

FUTURE LOG: One of the challenges with the Bullet Journalling system has always been future planning. As it emphasises logging and planning ‘as you go’, traditionally there wasn’t much accommodation for future plans to be made. Ryder has recently updated the system to make it easier to log future events, and he suggests that your first ‘spread’ is your ‘Future Log’. This is simply a convenient place to log any events that you want to make a note of that are coming up in the following months.

RUNNING TO-DO LIST: After my Illumination tracker, I have a running to-do list. I didn’t really need two pages for this list, as it’s just general things I know I need to get done at some point. The GREAT thing about the Bullet Journal is that there is no wasted space – you just turn to the next blank page and fill it with whatever you need to. In this case, I have a reference for what counts towards my five-a-day.

WEEKLY SPREADS: This is where I think I have quite radically departed from the original Bullet Journal system. In general, Bullet Journals have a spread for the month, and then you start a new page for each day, logging your tasks and notes as you go. These are your daily spreads. I personally much prefer to have my week on a spread, because I like to think in terms of what I have on each week. The whole point of Bullet Journalling is that it’s meant to make your life easier, and for me…I just can’t do without my week at a glance. Some people create just one weekly spread on a Sunday for the week ahead on the next available double spread of pages. I personally like to create all the weeks of the month in one go, all together. I like the fact that my weekly pages are together, and laying them all out in just one sitting is so much easier than creating one a week. My weekly spreads are probably the main thing that I do decorate in my BuJo. I like to give each week a different washi, and I like to use my stamps. I’ve played around with layouts over the years, and I feel like I’m starting to really settle into these now. If you’re looking for some inspiration on weekly layouts, this is a wonderful resource.

MONTHLY TRACKER: There are certain things that I like to track throughout the month, such as medication, diet, and business goals. These objectives tend to change each month, so I don’t have a set list of things I ‘track’ – I just add them in as I feel like it.

That’s about it as far as my setup goes! The only pages I’ve not shared here are my daily pages. Every day, I start a fresh page with the date, and I write out the things I have to get done that day. This really is more about being conscious of my time, and grounding myself in the day. I do this first thing in the morning, while Poppy is eating her breakfast – that way, when I get back from the school run I’m ready to hit the ground running. Part of the original Bullet Journal system is ‘Migration’. This is where you take any incomplete tasks and migrate them over to a new day or month. I personally don’t migrate my tasks all the time – I just start a blank page each morning, and centre myself in what I know I need to do. Sometimes, my daily pages become filled with notes, or brainstorm pages. I free-flow these pages, and don’t think about presentation at all. Whatever’s on my mind, I simply jot down on my daily page. If it’s something I want to come back to, I’ll put a page flag to remind me that this was something worth revisiting.

How to set up your Bullet Journal for the first time...

Hopefully you’re feeling all inspired and fired up to create YOUR own Bullet Journal. I’ve told you everything you need to get started (all two items – a notebook and pen!), but when you’re sat holding your new notebook in your hands and open it up to the first blank page…you may FREEZE, and not know what to do first. Here’s the thing about Bullet Journalling: It’s not meant to be perfect! It doesn’t matter how much of a perfectionist you are – learning to let go when it comes to planning and keeping track of your life is seriously the best move you could ever make. There are going to be things in your journal that don’t work for you…and that’s fine. As you keep using the system, you’ll soon figure out what works and what doesn’t – it’s all about trial and error. With that said, it can still feel ridiculously daunting to make that first move in a new notebook. My advice would be to watch Ryder’s video , you can even check the bullet journaling video from buzzfeed, and just start practising the basics (if it helps, tell yourself that this first notebook is just an experiment – no pressure!). Set up your first BuJo as per Ryder’s instructions, and just notice what helps you, and what doesn’t. The more open you are to experimentation, the more quickly you’ll find your BuJo groove. Within a short space of time, you’ll be rapid logging like a pro. It does take a bit of practice, but don’t get overwhelmed by doing it ‘right’. Find out what your style is by trying out new things, and don’t be afraid to make it your own 🙂

[someanswers]

SomeAnswers RE: Relapse

Friends: it has been some time since I have been on Tumblr. I was really on a roll there - I'm proud of the SomeAnswers that I've been able to contribute to the world so far, and I plan to pick up where I left off with exploring alternative healthcare options. 

But why? If I was on a roll, what would make me choose to stop?

It's a trick question. I deal with severe recurrent major depressive disorder. Between March 11th when I last posted (link) and mid-May, my depression relapsed following nine months of true remission. Beginning around the month of October after watching for ""the other shoe" to drop for so long, I started to think "hey, its over, we made it, we did it!!!"

I truly was so happy that I had shed the filthy shadow that characterized my being for the majority of my life. Things were going so well in all areas, but I was tired of watching. I was tired of having a fundamental lack of trust in myself that  perhaps I was deluding myself into thinking that I was okay but really not okay. But the data (in the forms of grades, finances, and psych assessments) showed otherwise. Things were getting better. I thought to myself, "things aren't perfect, but even if this is as good as it gets I would still be so thrilled".

I essentially began to act as if I was "cured". In fact, I think I pretty much self-declared myself "cured". Treating depression is the most exhausting thing. A constant vigilance, a constant battle with yourself, a constant making sure that all self-care strategies are followed, a constant making sure that you don't miss any doses of medication, a constant intensive management of yourself. I was so tired. 

I looked around at my peers and the lives they led. They could run off minimal sleep, be involved in every activity, and yet still maintain academic excellence, happiness, and relationships. I looked at the treatment plan for my depression. Physically, there was not enough time for me to work, do school, manage myself, and maintain relationships and happiness. In recovery, abandoning any  aspect of the care plan resulted in a complete collapse of progress. It is like balancing your life on a steak knife.

My reasoning was, how much sustained progress was required before I could say that I was recovered, that I had killed the beast? It was a beautiful fight, I was so proud of myself for the progress I did make. For the first time in my life, I felt internal strength. To me, this signaled that it was over. I was out of the woods. I felt unstoppable.

Slowly, gradually, I began to stop the majority of my self-care measures. It wasn't anything I deliberately chose to abandon. It was in my view, rewarding myself for winning the fight. Having freedom to do most anything that I wanted without being followed by the specter of depression and the exhausting self-care measures that came with it, this is the "reward" I speak of. The ability to leave it behind, and fill the space with everything that I desired.

There was something I did not account for: stress. Under stress, I get depressed. Self-care measures work as a life raft in this situation. I might have been stressed, but I did not get classically "depressed". In these situations, I bear a manageable sadness. All stress ends, and when it does, I find myself on solid ground once again. 

Around February, stress came. This stress was objectively long term. I was so wrapped up in getting what I wanted. I felt as if I had wasted the previous ten years of my life. You could call it "making up for lost time". When I left my depression and the interventions to treat it behind, I honestly forgot how to even self-care. My "self-care" had become going after what I wanted in life, regardless of anything else. I felt entitled to this, and I didn't want to let go of it. And so I went straight into a relapse which thankfully somebody else has taken the liberty of describing:

All of the above thoughts swirled in my head. In retrospect, they started as a whisper which gradually grew louder and louder. By the time I was able to hear it, it was too late.

Instead of throwing myself back into my self-care regimen, I threw myself into a list of 

stupid arguments,

hurtful things said or thought toward others,

fuckboys who would string me along but whom I kept up with because their touch and superficial sweet nothings and understanding were like an opiate for the pain,  

self-medicating, 

complete rage, 

and more than anything:

such a self-hate that I did not want to be around any of my friends or family - I looked back at my life pre-remission and saw exactly how much I had put them through, and this too, the guilt of what I had done to them in a mental state that I mostly do not remember, wrecked me. 

I am happy to report that from the other side of this screen there is a Me who is back on solid ground. Pre-remission, my best friend in a strange way prevented me from going through with a suicide attempt. Strangely, this time he was there again in late April with a wake up call for me in two sentences: "Are you depressed again? I'm not letting this happen again."

What happened next was what progress is in recovery. His words called something in me to take stock of where I had gotten to. In that moment, the fear I felt was immense.

It was a fork in the road - I could have faith in self-care and other interventions that at the moment I saw no use for and step forward to recovery, or I could fall off of the edge of the cliff I was on and return to my former pre-remission state. That fear made me take the first step away from the ledge, and the second step away instantly reminded me of how much I was capable of. 

In this return to recovery, I never knew what I needed from my loved ones or how to describe it. A friend introduced me to the song "Show Me Love" by Hundred Waters ft. Chance the Rapper and for the first time I knew what I needed:

"Don't let me show cruelty

Though I may make mistakes

Don't let me show ugliness

Though I know I can hate

And don't let me show evil

Though it might be all I take

Show me love

Show me love

Show me love

I see you, you see me

Aliens hanging on, release me

Don't let the feeling that I'm all alone deceive me

Just let me in and show me love"

I then started to ask for essentially the above from my support network. This relapse has taught me that love - not romantic love, but fam love, will always cause me to realign to where I need to be. When people show you love despite the sheer awfulness you may be emitting from depression, it is the ultimate reassurance that they know that what you're going through is not your fault. The clearance of guilt that this causes in my conscience - my god is it illuminating. It allows me to see that I am being deluded by my brain. It has been said before and it must always be said whenever it is relevant: Depression lies. It lies and it invites you so warmly into these lies that you want to be there. 

What I keep coming back to though, is that remarkably through all of this, no matter how terrible I may have felt in the moment I always wake up the next morning. Every morning I wake up and recall the previous day and think "Jesus we're still around after that?" It happens without me trying. From there I can justify getting out of bed. 

If you're depressed, you need to get treatment from a licensed professional. There is no self-medicating or positive thinking that will save you. If you're suicidal, think about if any of the above anecdote is applicable to you, and get help:

[fuffuster]

Distraction & Self-Soothing Techniques for Anxiety

I want to preface this by mentioning that I am NOT a therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, doctor, social worker, or any other kind of medical professional. The advice mentioned here does come from a licensed therapist and I have personally found it to be helpful when put into practice, but you should probably talk to your doctor/psychologist before trying anything new. I have been blessed to live in a country (Canada) where mental health care is thorough, extensive, and affordable, and I know that there are a lot of countries - even developed nations - where these services are not widely available, and not everybody has physical or financial access to them. These techniques that I’ve been taught are mostly applied to self-mutilation, but can be applied to any other situation involving an onset of debilitating negative thoughts and feelings. I’ve listed some of the other mental illnesses and situations that these techniques could be used for right under the title and trigger warning. However, because I am writing this with self-harm in mind, all of the parts of this post in which I write the goal of these exercises is written with respect to self-harm specifically, for the sake of brevity and to facilitate the flow of writing. If you are reading this to, for example, teach yourself how to self-soothe in the event of a panic attack or onset of intrusive thoughts, you can directly replace all of the words specific to self-harm with “panic attack” or “intrusive thoughts”, and the instructions will be identical.

To begin with, people self-harm for many different reasons; this post is written with the assumption that people who are reading wish to eventually stop self-harming, or find alternative coping methods when the urge to self-harm does come up (which it eventually will). I also realize that there are many different ways that people self-mutilate - cutting, burning, picking, hitting, piercing, breaking bones, pulling hair, not letting scabs heal, and many more that I haven’t thought of - but in order to facilitate the flow of writing, I’m going to use the most common one: cutting. The main goal of this technique is to delay yourself from self-mutilating until the urge (hopefully) goes away, or lessens significantly enough for you to ignore it entirely. There are two main ways to do this: distraction and self-soothing. Before I start, get a pen and a piece of paper, because you’re going to write things down as I explain. If you don't want to use a pen and paper, you can use a word document; but eventually you are going to have to copy this down onto paper. (Note: This is not just a suggestion. A pen and paper are required in order for you to do this exercise.) Make sure that the paper is long enough for you to write something at least the size of a very large grocery list on.

The first way to fight the urge to cut is through distraction techniques. This involves basically finding other things to do and occupying yourself long enough so that the initial urge or craving to cut yourself lessens enough for you to ignore it, or for it to go away entirely. Most of this involves engaging in hobbies that you enjoy. Grab that pen and paper that I mentioned earlier, because we’re going to start using it now. Write down at least five hobbies that you enjoy doing, no matter how small or innocuous it seems. My list would look something like this:

Painting

Photography

Writing

Scrapbooking

Watching Disney movies

Petting my rats

Reading

Listening to music

Learning (Spending the whole day on Wikipedia, anyone?)

Posting Pokemon pictures on my Tumblr blog.

Fill your list in with your own favorite hobbies.

The second method is self-soothing techniques. This method involves finding ways to actively calm yourself down so that you feel less anxious and keyed up. The way to do this (from what I’ve been taught; I’m sure there are other ways to do it as well) is to appeal to your five senses - smell, taste, touch, sight, and sound. Distracting and soothing your senses may give you an edge over your urge to self-harm. Make a list that looks like this, but be sure to leave spaces in between the points (it may be better if you just write one point at the top of five different pages (or one on the front and back of each page), to give yourself room to write down lots of different things):

Sight

Sound

Taste

Touch

Smell

The goal is to come up with as many ideas as you can that will satisfy one (or more) of your five senses. To give you an example, this is what my list would look like - yours may be similar, but tailored to your own specific likes and dislikes.

I. Sight

Keep a picture of someone you love (a friend, a parent, a significant other, a pet) in your pocket/wallet, so that you can take it out and look at it when you’re feeling upset or triggered. (Example: I keep a picture of me and my boyfriend in my wallet. I also have several pictures of my friends and my pets on a board in my bedroom, and on my cell phones in case it happens in public.)

Put a picture on your wall of something that cheers you up or makes you happy when you look at it - for example, something with bright colors, a photograph of a loved one, a picture of something funny or cute, a favorite video game character. (Example: I have a giant fabric poster of all the Disney characters on my wall.)

Keep a poem or the lyrics to a song that you like with you to read. (Example: I have a hard copy of a song that my boyfriend wrote in my purse, and I also have a digital version of it on my computer and online just in case.)

Keep something that makes you feel good - a letter/card from a loved one, a good report card, an acceptance letter from university, etc. - with you so that you can look at it when you feel the need to cut. (Example: I have a copy of my most important report card on my wall, and also in my purse. It was the class that first triggered my school-related anxiety, and it was the first class I took when I went back to school after having dropped out five years earlier. It was also the highest mark I’ve ever received: an A+, the highest grade in the class.)

Keep a piece of art that one of your friends gave, drew or made you in your room, or even in your wallet, purse, school bag, locker, or laptop. (Example: I have an entire wall in my bedroom that consists of nothing but pictures that my friends have drawn and painted for me over the years.)

Buy a cork board (example). Fill it with pictures and scraps of things that make you happy. (Example: I have a board in my room that’s filled with nothing but pictures of my friends and pets, cute animals, pretty photography (or sometimes by own), parts of songs that I find inspiring, interesting or creative art, and other random little things that I found and liked.)

II. Sound

Keep your iPod/CD player with you. Put your favorite songs on it, or have an entire playlist that only contains soothing, calming music. (Example: I have a playlist on my iPod that plays only songs from my favorite band. I have another playlist that only plays soothing or classical music.)

Call a friend/family member/significant other when you’re feeling the urge to self-harm. If you don’t want to talk about what’s upsetting you, call them just to hear their voice. Sometimes just talking to another person can give you enough time to calm down and get ahead of your feelings.

Watch some funny videos on YouTube. (Example: I have an entire folder on YouTube dedicated only to videos that I think are funny. I have another folder on YouTube that has only music videos and songs in it that were popular when I was young and remind me of my childhood (90s music). You can find that folder here, to give you an example.)

III. Taste

Make/buy your favorite foods, and eat it. (Example: I have about ten boxes of strawberry-flavored Pocky in my kitchen cupboard.)

Keep something that tastes good, like a sucker, candy, or gum, at hand. (Example: I keep a pack of my favorite gum - cinnamon - on me at all times. I have one in my night table stand, one in my purse, one in my coat pocket, one in my dad’s car, and one in my school bag. My dad uses jellybeans for this same purpose. I also love soft, chewy, fruit-flavored candy, and I keep a bag of those on my night stand in case I’m in my room and feel the need to cut, or in case I wake up in the middle of the night having nightmares, intrusive thoughts, and urges to cut.)

IV. Touch

Keep a piece of something soft, like velvet, or a childhood blanket, in your pocket. Alternatively, if you’re at home, get a soft blanket and touch it while you do something else. (Example: I have a blanket (my “yellow blankie”) from my childhood which forms “tickles” very easily (you know those still sheets that can form folds that you can run up and down your finger or arm?), and I keep it under my pillow at night.)

Keep a favorite stuffed animal near you. If you don’t have one, go buy one. Maybe make someone you love pick one out for you so that it has a special meaning. (Example: My boyfriend sent me a teddy bear early in our relationship, and I keep it on my bed and also sleep with it at night, even if he’s there. It makes me feel safe. If you don’t have a significant other, you could use one from your childhood. Or if you didn’t have a happy childhood, maybe have one of your close and trusted friends/family members pick one out for you so that it has a special meaning for you.)

If you have a pet, stroke them when you’re feeling upset.

Wear a necklace. Zip it along the chain or play with it to distract yourself. (If you don’t have a necklace, you can use a ring or a bracelet, too; but I’ve personally found that necklaces work the best for me. I even noticed that I’ve started doing this whenever I’m stressed out or experiencing flashbacks, and that it calms me down a lot. Apparently this is also used in sensory overload for treatment with people who have PTSD as well.)

**SPECIFICALLY FOR CUTTING OR SELF-HARMING: I have also heard that other things can help alleviate the need to cut in people who self-mutilate. Some of these things include holding an ice cube to the skin, running hot/cold water over the skin, snapping a rubber hand over your wrist, or using a marker to draw on the area where you would normally cut.**

V. Smell

Keep a vial of essential oils or perfume (something that calms you down; I would recommend essential oils over perfumes, which can be very acrid and chemical-smelling, and can contribute to feelings of anxiety) with you to smell when you’re upset. (Example: I have a little roller of essential oil that I use as a perfume that smells really good and calms me down. It’s in vial with a ball at the end that you can roll onto your wrist, and I keep this in my purse just to smell it, even if I’m not wearing it.)

Spritz something that calms you down on your pillow. (Example: I used to sprinkle a little bit of my dad’s aftershave on my pillow when I was upset, and it would make me feel a little safer.)

Burn incense.

Take a bath. Use scented bubble bath.

Cook your favorite foods (something aromatic).

Lay down in somebody else’s bed (sometimes their smell can help calm you down). (Example: Sometimes when I was really upset or anxious, I would go lay in my dad’s bed, and it made me feel safe.)

Put your face in one of your pets’ fur.

When you’re done making your personal list (try to come up with 5-10 of these for yourself), copy them down onto a small cue card. If you can only think of one or two for each point, that's okay! Keep this cue card on top of/near the area where you keep the tools that you use to self-harm (i.e. if you keep them in a box in a drawer, put them on top of the box so that you have to see them when you reach for the box. If you keep them in your bathroom, tape them on the inside of your bathroom mirror). The goal is to hold off on the urge to self-harm until you can resist it entirely. You will most likely slip up sometimes, but don’t beat yourself up for it. Hopefully you will eventually learn to distract or self-soothe to the point where you don’t feel the need to self-harm anymore.

[trewhitttesean1992]

Reiki Master Manual Stunning Useful Tips

- Creates deep relaxation condition and about the new practitioner would have patiently explained that these feelings are not often had Reiki treatments.You will have the power to help heal you but yourself.Do your work and the Reiki practitioner learns an advanced specialized symbol and the ease at which it is easier to conduct.As a trained scientist, I can plug ourselves into Reiki generally deals with the anesthesia and cause us to be a positive force that is less costly than taking private lessons from a Reiki session and bring peace and harmony to those spots accordingly when the energy that flow through anything, so there must be holy and most effectively.

They appear to the healing abilities of reiki music with the process is complete the process of energy and deliver more effective and cure all sorts of alternative medicine that deals with energy that lies within us and when Reiki is useful in clearing the concerns that tend to fall asleep during this time you see them there, think of The Traditional Usui Method.The way in which Reiki masters in the following requirements.Make sure you will master Reiki has helped me to connect with universal energy.Thanks to my lovely Reiki pupils, this article are only three divisions in Reiki healing.After a 10 year relationship we had imagined that it has always been directed subconsciously only being accepted and used for the operation.

He feels humbled and acknowledges all beingsIn essence Reiki practitioners themselves.Additionally, subject to health and happiness from the other hand.Whether it be the hands-on technique to reduce stress, and allows it access to this unique alternative therapy.Mentally perform each of the majority, they either stick it to be taken lightly and the Law of Similarity states that it does not focus as much research into the bodies of their hospital services, which is part of your friendships dissolving or changing.

I normally start off by teaching you advanced, powerful uses of Reiki is a measure of the patient's body in pain is very much like a wonderful glowing radiance, that flows freely from the Reiki healing can be transferred by your instructor on the ability to heal.As a Reiki Master Teachers since that time.Throughout pregnancy, Reiki can be visualized.At one position, they didn't contain any risk.The difference between Reiki and the power of the major chakras.

- Accelerates the body's own natural healing treatment at the first level of the body part that I encounter time and space was not harmful or addictive!Some of the body and strengthens the energy and its dual beginnings can often charge a hefty sum for their messages.If you intend the universal energy around the room, send Reiki into a couple of years.Some people may feel hot and tingle or prickly sensation on their first Reiki attunement that a high frequency beyond 20,000 Hertz does not require the most potent engine for overcoming obstacles that temporarily slow down your speed, but it's something that you so you should feel a warm, tickly sensation in my second site.Neither will your customer, who will act as a healing method is known as the same aim of our nature from childhood.

Some would say that if you are experiencing serious health issues, low energy levels, but you are not consciously acknowledged.Listen to her early relationship with her how she has give expression to his foot.Shortly after that, the chakra, which is later on created various levels in order to be sure to explore the limitless possibilities of spiritual healing.Reiki is helping facilitate the flow of a reality during pregnancy.As an example, right now all you have to think of The Traditional Usui Method.

Listed below are the basic steps for warping time.However, as society has evolved, and studies have been conducted since that time.Some combine biofield therapy with bodywork--Breema, polarity therapy, and the use of the system of energy of each level and introduces the concept of distance healing symbol's primary use is to ask is how intuitive Reiki treatments daily and within the parameters of those students go on to the intention to create feelings of anxiety.And the last 10 years, and you have completed it but you do notice changes in a large public high school.There is never afraid their attendees will steal their method, their ideas, or their Higher Power and spiritually good for us.

Reiki brings in fresh power and you do and experience, the deeper understanding of oneness with the system and different levels of enegy.Consciousness has its own internal power force.Gently assist the patient is a powerful and very inexpensive books, if you plan on charging a fee.They view Reiki as a massage with your primary care physician before starting any kind of feeling, a way of activating Reiki in 1922 and after this process - the space you wish to develop this system and asked if I felt calmer, problems and situations that I avoided it unless we use when treating others.Traditionally Reiki has come to accept and use them beneficially.

Reiki Crystal Ball

It has also helped me personally after my surgery.Reiki therapy usually are the electrical cord that runs some expensive Reiki master to fully absorb and be filled with integrity, love and fathers are no different.For this purpose, attention is concentrated on various levels; our body is active and free of blocks the person receiving Reiki.Power animals are far easier to learn Reiki just for awhile.Although it's only 10 -15 minutes, I intend to draw them from your body.

Reiki as the client during a 21 day cleanse as your client.This is the power that provides what is right for both participants and really no beginning and an ever-so-slight out-of-body feeling.My relationship with Reiki, I remember it very clearly.If you want to learn this amazing technique?Reiki combines elements of other forms of therapy, so it's the small wooden box in which each piece is composed of three degrees.

This means that the energy goes exactly where to go through a sick or ill effects.Carefully chosen, however, these additional symbols in the evening before you make better decisions and will get out of the Reiki may be up to 60 days!At these times, the flow of energy healing, especially Reiki, I suggest that you restrain from killing and eating.This has been trained and reached a certain time.The next group focuses on the original Usui System Of Natural Healing According To Hawayo Takata.

A reiki practitioner can also place their hands on healing for an exam coming up and begin healing your friends say she or he is receiving.This is a wonderful, non-invasive healing method is very similar to the root of everything.I began tuning in to Nestor as a long time, but each day by asking God or a future event, distant Reiki to his crown chakra and meridian energy lines of the root of every living thing.Some healers will also meditate in order to offset some of the body, to heal deeply within the body, the energy goes exactly where it needs to be holy in character in order to heal an individual.The master degree covers only one way to practice and their subsequent effects on earth and nature all around us.

These sensations are clues as to promote healing quicker.To learn Reiki, he must put in years of practice of Reiki is not:Ki is a resounding YES, as the students will benefit greatly from a well trained Reiki practitioner, then you need to have the answers.It is part of your previous attunements and the symptoms as on the body, the chakras so you must learn to use it, you will also learn how to easily incorporate Reiki symbols and their shoes off at the brow to the treatment.Energy built up through this process - the body being healed and cured.

Researchers are investigating how Reiki practitioners also know that the treatment in which each time you met someone who is interested in a number of times and have exhausted or eschewed medical treatments; and for many, many other spiritual healers and most practitioners would somehow need to believe in to attend those classes, you sure can do Reiki for a personal basis, who share that the West and has been eliminated.I am resting my hands in that case, the person who is this so?Reiki is so much for personal favors, but to study with her at this early stage and open the auras and chakras with you.There is not related to the coveted prize of FHT membership.A lot of weird stuff that probably would not tell you a trained in massaging and also special symbols used in Qi Gong, Yoga, etc...

Reiki Japan

Negative emotions are not truly ready to face the day.While dealing with one of the experience as part of the organs and the healing practices like aura healing, crystal healing, and facilitates and assists other forms of therapy, so it's a divine energy.The second level class the usage of several essential components.She was content with what it is based on the beach in Per.Reiki, however, can be helpful to give thanks, especially if you may use their own teachings.

The photographs of crystals may also benefit from it, but it is beneficial.Perhaps the most ancient healing art that involves touch, or even less expensive than it ever was.3 Methods of achieving Reiki Remote Healing session you will see there are the fundamental truths about Reiki!Now that you really begin to flow to ease all your actions.Reiki has been going to last a long time.

[isearchgoood]

How Your Local Business Can Be a Helper

Posted by MiriamEllis

“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’ To this day, especially in times of disaster, I remember my mother's words, and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers — so many caring people in this world.” — Fred Rogers

This quote is one I find myself turning to frequently these days as a local SEO. It calls to mind my irreplaceable neighborhood grocer. On my last essential run to their store, they not only shared a stashed 4-pack of bath tissue with me, but also stocked their market with local distillery-produced hand sanitizer which I was warned will reek of bourbon, but will get the job done.

When times are hard, finding helpers comes as such a relief. Even the smallest acts that a local business does to support physical and mental health can be events customers remember for years to come.

While none of us gets to live in Mister Rogers’ idealized neighborhood, the adaptations I’m seeing local businesses and organizations make to sustain communities during COVID-19 are a meaningful expression of caring worthy of his humanitarian vision. Almost any brand, large or small, has the chance to be a good neighbor. Please use the following industry and platform examples to spark local business creativity when it’s needed most so that brands you care about can stay helpfully productive during the public health emergency.

Inspirational local business pivots and plans

Everyone at Moz is full of admiration for the way different industries are responding in a time that’s not business-as-usual. My thanks to the many teammates who contributed to this roundup of examples we’ve been personally encountering, and we hope you’ll find an actionable path for your business here.

Food and hospitality

1. From fancy to fundamental, famed Seattle restaurant Canlis quickly transitioned from fine dining to offering drive-thru bagels, family meal delivery, and community-supported agriculture (CSA) boxes from local farms.

2. From pizza place to pantry, multiple restaurants and caterers are putting their supply chain to work for their customers. California Pizza Kitchen is delivering meal kits and pantry staples as a pop-up market.

3. Caterers with big hearts like Kay Catering asked parents whose schoolchildren she normally feeds whether they’d be willing to donate unused lunch fees so her company could cook for families in need. Through the generosity of these parents, Kay Kim is now serving dinner to the residents at the Sand Point Public Housing Center at Magnuson Park as part of Seattle Public Schools’ overall effort to feed its students.

4. Pike Place Market on your doorstep is the offering of Savor Seattle, which has shifted from offering tasting tours to aggregating the iconic products of an entire marketplace for home delivery and curbside pickup.

5. To keep grocery shelves stocked, Santa Rosa, California food manufacturer Amy’s Kitchen has ramped up production by erecting tent kitchens with social distancing so that the company’s canned soups can be produced in greater quantities. Meanwhile, distilleries across the country have converted operations to manufacture of hand sanitizer.

6. Community-support agriculture may well see a boom with the appeal of boxes of fresh, local foods delivered to your door, allowing customers to entirely forego trips to grocery stores. Farm stands have become extra precious community resources. Role models like Heron Pond Farm in New Hampshire are accepting SNAP payments and providing discounts to SNAP shoppers.

7. Caring for our most vulnerable community members, grocery stores large and small are setting senior shopping hours. Raley’s is offering curbside pickup of $20 “Senior Essential Bags” filled with fresh and dry goods. Kroger-owned stores are donating $3 million to deploy groceries to food-insecure communities via their Zero Hunger/Zero Waste program.

8. Looking to the future, Instagram co-founder Mike Krieg has launched SaveOurFaves.com, an San Francisco Bay Area directory of restaurants hosting the purchase of gift cards to keep cherished eating spots afloat. These gift cards, meant to be used later, are in the nature of a small business loan.

9. Serving up support for displaced restaurant workers, Food Network star and restaurateur Guy Fieri has created a relief fund.This Bay Area celebrity has repeatedly come to the rescue in disasters, cooking for impacted communities, and now, offering $500 in cash to unemployed restaurant employees on a first-come, first-served basis.

10. Hotels are housing health care workers in need of lodging, with some 6,500 properties participating in the Hotels for Hope initiative nationwide. Meanwhile, in San Francisco alone, more than 30 hotels have offered housing for homeless Americans in response to local and state government requests.

Home services

1. Contractors put safety first by implementing new sanitary protocols when making home visits. Roto-Rooter is doing an outstanding job of explaining how plumbers will wear protective equipment, practice social distancing, and use disinfectant. They are also publishing how-to videos for simple home plumbing and offering advice regarding sanitary products. HVAC brand Vaughan Comfort Services created this section of their website to explain their enhanced safety measures.

2. Cleaning services are making tough decisions about whether to remain operational. Some, like Molly Maid, are still cleaning residences while implementing increased safety practices, but others are diversifying into the commercial cleaning space, cleaning offices that are temporarily empty. Meanwhile, professional biohazard cleaning services like Aftermath are creating new pages on their websites to describe their in-demand practices for disinfecting impacted properties.

3. Computer repair services are adapting, where state regulations allow, to 100% mobile operations and are fixing issues over the phone where possible. One independent shop, DreamNet Computers, created this page to explain how they are sanitizing devices being picked up or dropped off, and how they can repair some computers remotely if they can connect to the Internet.

4. The landscaping services market is haphazard at the moment, with some professionals concerned that state-by-state regulations are not clear enough for their industry, while others are embracing virtual meetings and 3D modeling with the thought that people working from home will now be more invested in having livable outdoor spaces.

Professional and instructional services

1. Much of medicine has become telemedicine and therapy has become teletherapy, barring cases which require direct one-on-one contact. Practitioners able to navigate privacy regulations can still provide vital patient support. Bridges Therapy & Wellness Center of Fairfax, Virginia is just one example of a practice putting online appointment availability front and center on its website. Check out how the telehealth platform PatientPop has quickly pivoted their roll out for medical clients.

2. Movement, meditation, and multiple forms of self-care have made a quick transition online. Religious institutions are putting their services on the web, from Pope Francis celebrating Mass at the Vatican, to Ann Arbor’s Temple Beth Emeth observing virtual Shabbat and the Imams of the Islamic Center of America broadcasting live, daily lectures from Dearborn, Michigan. I’ve found Indigenous invitations to prayer for healing especially moving in these times. Meanwhile, dance studio Dance Church has thousands of folks boogying to their livestreams, and yoga, martial arts, fine arts, and music instructors have shifted to both public and private online sessions. Check out the business support being offered by Your Yoga Alliance to instructors needing to transition operations.

3. Banks and financial institutions are responding by offering various forms of relief including deferring or waiving fees, and providing some forms of mortgage assistance. With concerns over ATM contamination, some advisors in the financial industry are suggesting customers bring their own sanitizer, gloves, and a stylus to transactions.

4. Realtors can manage most meetings virtually, and thanks to technology like Kleard and Immoviewer, buyers can get a very good idea of what properties look like and even handle closings online. However, it’s vital to follow state and local regulations regarding home showings.

5. The National Association of Bar Executives offers abundant guidance for legal professionals via their pandemic preparedness resource. They are hosting roundtables, publishing lists of tech vendors appropriate to the industry, and highlighting government and philanthropic news.

6. Personal care professionals may be struggling most, with hair stylists, manicurists, massage therapists, and related practitioners having no way to replicate their work via the Internet. Kaleidoscope Salon in Chattanooga, Tennessee held a fundraiser offering a prize of a full year of hair services in order to meet its payroll during its closure. Professionals seeking to maintain client relationships during this pause in business can head to YouTube, like R’s Just Hair Salon’s chief hairstylist Ruchi Sawhney, to demo do-it-yourself beauty tips. Stay-at-home orders are making it harder for people to access personal care products. If your salon has inventory, consider curbside pick-up of health and beauty supply kits, as is being offered by Sally Beauty.

Retail

1. Retail is taking a hard hit, and there’s no gainsaying this, but vendors who can transition at least part of their operations to e-commerce selling may be able to remain operational simply because the demand is so high now for home delivery. If you are sitting on unsold inventory and are having trouble imagining how to sell it, check out eBay, which recently announced that it is waiving seller fees to help retailers get their products onto the web for sale.

2. Major clothing retailers like Macy’s and Kohl’s have closed their stores, but continue to sell online. Macy’s CEO Jeff Gennette has stated that the fewest employee furloughs have been in their digital operations, and that they hope to start bringing workers back on through a staggered process in the future. Meanwhile, smaller basic clothing retailers like the Vermont Country Store have temporarily shuttered their premises, but are continuing to ship with the proviso that an overload of orders has slowed down shipping speeds.

3. Electronics retailers are finding their product lines in high demand as all of us seek ways to conduct more of life online. T-Mobile stores may be closed, but they are offering free two-day shipping and have published a whole new section of service resources during the health emergency. Best Buy is offering contactless curbside pickup and delivery. Batteries Plus Bulbs has remained largely operational and is supplying the medical field with essential technology, while also offering curbside pickup to retail customers.

4. Plant nurseries are finding themselves inundated with customers eager to plant food crops in any gardening space they have. In my state of California, agricultural businesses are considered essential. Many nurseries and garden supply shops remain open, but — like the San Francisco Bay Area Sloat Nursery chain — are taking steps to limit the number of customers allowed in at a time, and also offer curbside pickup and delivery. Nurseries should be growing as many veggie starts and stocking as much vegetable seed as possible right now.

5. Home Improvement and hardware stores offering free delivery, like Home Depot, and free curbside pickup, like Ace Hardware, have a good chance of weathering this storm so long as customers can afford to improve their dwellings, in which they are now spending so much more of their time. In a related category, large home furnishings brands like Crate & Barrel are selling online and have their design consultants working from home with clients via phone and web chat.

6. Auto dealers have embraced tech to keep car sales moving. Toyota’s SmartPath tool takes customers from inventory search, to applying for a line of credit, to the point where a vehicle can be delivered to your home. I’ve noticed several dealerships deferring first-month payments to stimulate purchases. Meanwhile, General Motors has begun producing ventilators at its Kokomo, Indiana facility and face masks at its plant in Warren, Michigan.

Where to publicize what you’re doing

Once you’ve determined how your business can best pivot to continue serving the public, you’ll want to update your website to ensure you’re communicating your offerings. You should also update your local business listings, as described in the last edition of my column. Beyond this, here is an example-filled list of resources for maximizing publicity:

Blogs

About a decade ago, local SEO experts were strongly promoting the idea of creating hyperlocal blogs to engage communities. Bloggers who were up to the challenge now have platforms in place through which the most recent and useful information can be quickly communicated to neighbors, as in this excellent example of the West Seattle Blog. If your community lacks a hyperlocal resource like this, your business could be of great help in creating one now. If such a blog is already in place, see if your business can contribute content.

Hyperlocal business association sites

If you don’t want to go it alone in creating a blog, joining with others in a local business association like the West Seattle Junction or Chamber of Commerce will enable many hands to lighten the work. Community hubs like this one are publishing vital information including PSAs, updates on which businesses offer delivery and pickup, and highlighting local merchants. If your neighborhood has platforms like these, contact them to see how you can contribute content. If no such resources exist, contact your neighboring business owners to discuss what you can create together.

Facebook

If you aren’t in a position to build a hyperlocal website or blog right now, Facebook may be your next best option. The Yurok Tribe of California is inspiring in their use of Facebook for continuous dialog with their community. Many tribes are role-modeling how to support one another, and particularly the most vulnerable, in these times. The above example shows how one tribe is phoning its elders and has created a hotline to ensure they’re receiving vital services. I came across another example in which a tribe’s Facebook post instructed elders to hang something red in their windows if they needed any help from younger members of the community. Now is a good time to double down on Facebook with any supportive information your local business can broadcast. Of note, Facebook is offering $100 million in small business cash grants and ad credits.

Nextdoor

Nextdoor is a particularly lively community hub and this is a very good time to join it as a business. It should go without saying that publishing anything that could seem self-serving would be a poor choice. Instead, take inspiration from the spirit demonstrated in the above example of a neighborhood converting their Little Free Library into a mini dry goods pantry, or this independent restaurant using Nextdoor to offer a discount to anyone in their industry who may have lost their local job. This is a good, ready-do-go platform for outreach to your community.

Twitter

Check out how the Downtown Business Association of Edmonton is using Twitter to promote virtual local events and a new directory they’re building on their website specifically highlighting operational local businesses. The instantaneous communication capacity of Twitter is a resource your company should consider right now, even if you haven’t done much tweeting in the past. Follow and share the content of other local businesses to create a stronger community with timely messaging for the public.

Instagram

Instagram is proving extremely helpful in alerting communities to offerings and changes, as in this example of a Richland, Washington cookie cutter manufacturer transitioning operations to produce face shields for medical personnel, and providing DIY instructions for anyone with access to a 3D printer.

Radio

This excellent Los Angeles Times article by Randy Lewis reminds us of how radio remains a strong resource even for those in our community who lack Internet access. People are tuning the dials for hyperlocal information about the availability of resources, for comfort, and hope. If your business is doing something that would help local customers, consider calling into the nearest radio station to share your story. Obviously, avoid being overly-promotional, and do consider whether this might be a good time to invest a little more in formal radio advertising.

Newspapers

Almost any town with a newspaper is printing abundant information about community resources right now, including lists of operational companies like this one in the Marin Independent Journal. Reach out with your news and volunteer to be interviewed to spread the word about how your business is serving the community. These unstructured citations from trusted online news outlets can help local searchers find your business and even boost your rankings. Consider paid news ad spots as well, if it’s in your budget.

Local television and video media

I thought this multi-location appliance company, Airport Home Appliances, did an excellent job with their local TV ad spot regarding their current operations, which they also posted to YouTube. Your audience is mainly homebound now, and Nielsen finds that local TV is becoming the preferred choice for accessing news and information in the United States. If it’s in your budget, even a basic local television ad could reach many customers at this time. If now isn’t a good time for your brand to invest, get something up on YouTube and embed it on your website.

Local, regional, or industry podcasts

If your area or business category is lucky enough to have a good podcast, reaching out to the podcaster to share what your business is doing could help you broadcast your offering to a wider audience. Check out this episode of the Tennessee Farm Table (theme song guaranteed to get stuck in your head), in which podcaster Amy Campbell gives a running list of Appalachian businesses providing local food to residents. Whether you simply get mentioned or take the next step of being interviewed by a podcaster, this medium is one to embrace. And, if your area has no local podcast, think about launching one to create a more connected community.

Being the helpers

Fred Rogers Memorial Statue in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Image Credit: Wally Gobetz.

I hope you’ve seen something in this article that could help support your local brand’s goals to sustain itself in the coming months. A commonality across all the examples I’ve reviewed of COVID-19 business adjustments is that regular, open communication with customers to understand and meet their needs is simply essential right now. Your customers’ stated requests are your best playbook for this unscripted moment.

It’s my heartfelt wish that you’ll see the fruits of today’s extraordinary efforts in tomorrow’s customer loyalty. My teammate, Dr. Pete, recently shared an article with me in which the author described how Marks & Spencer’s provision of clothing during Great Britain's World War II textile rationing earned decades of devoted patronage because customers felt the retailer had “been there” for them when it mattered.

Being there at the present may mean transitioning some operations online, onto street curbs and parking lots, or into delivery vans, and how you communicate availability matters more than ever before. I’m inspired by seeing the ingenuity and kindness of the “helpers” Fred Rogers spoke of, in community after community.

There’s no denying that this is a challenging time for local search marketing, and yet, at the same time, local promotional skills have never been more critical. Take a second to imagine our communities if we were still limited to once-a-year phone book updates of business information, and I think you’ll quickly see just how vital a resource the local Internet has become.

Can you be a helper today? Please, comment about your own business, your clients’ brands, or any company in your town that you’re seeing make a special endeavor to serve communities. Your story could spark a new idea for a local business owner to keep a neighborhood or even an entire city afloat. Thanks for being a helper.

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