#payday relapse

[creaman]

For the love of god, play the funny clown game

[princessemmas-blog]

payday relapse payday relapse

[no-see-um-incorrect]

Relapse

If the title didn’t give it away ⬇️

(⚠️⚠️TW Self harm,⚠️⚠️ mention of suicidal thoughts⚠️⚠️blood⚠️⚠️angst⚠️⚠️. if you feel as though you are not in the mental space to read this. Do not read it.  you are free to come back when you are in a better headspace.  just please stay safe💛) i’m also aware that the writing in this one is kind of weak. 

It felt like any Tuesday. Casper woke up to their alarm, rolled over, hugged their sleeping boyfriend give him a kiss on the shoulder, then got up and got ready for work. And the day went on as normal….. almost.

Casper hadn’t heard from Charlie the whole day. But it was Tuesday. Tuesday was payday for a lot of people. sweet Pete’s was usually busy on Tuesdays. But something was off Casper just couldn’t put their finger on what.

*Buzz buzz* 

There is no caller ID just a phone number with a familiar area code 

“hello?”

The voice on the other line was a raspy an older sounding man, a voice Casper recognized well 

“Pete? Is everything OK? Did something happen?”

“I was wonderings if yous knew where Charlie was. Little punk didn’t show up for work today”

His words sent a chill down Caspers spine. They knew it. They knew something was off.

“I haven’t heard from him all day…I thought he was busy at work…”

“yeah well if you see him, tell him I’m gonna write his little ass up for missing work without notice”

And just like that, the call ended as quickly as it began. Casper hurried to their bosses office and said they had to leave early.

“come on Chuckie pick up the phone!”

They tried calling him on the drive home But.

“Dammit Chuck pick up!”

No answer 

They quickly pull into the driveway and run to the door fiddling with their keys as they go. Briefly, looking up to see Charlie’s skateboard still on the porch. 

once they walk in, they start calling his name 

“Charlie?!….Charlie?! baby is everything all right?!”

“not in the kitchen….not in the dining room or living room…..” they say. scanning each room 

They hear a noise. A noise that they are all too familiar with. 

“Chuckie…?” They say softly, leaning against the door to the master bathroom. 

“don’t come in..*Sniffle*”

A small wave of relief washes over Casper, hearing Charlie’s voice 

“Charlie…. are you OK?”

No response 

“Charlie baby. I promise I won’t be mad I just wanna know that you’re OK”

Casper sits on the floor and leans their back against the door 

“I don’t want you to see me like this cas….”

Casper gently presses the side of their face against the door 

“sweetheart there is no side of you that would ever make me turn away. i’m worried about you. I want to know you’re safe”

They hear the click of the door unlocking 

“i’m not gonna come in until you say it’s OK”

After a minute, Charlie slowly opens the door.

(⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️)

Charlie was sitting with his back to the tub, his eyes were bloodshot, and his face was stained with tears, his arms were nearly covered with blood.

“oh Charlie…”

Casper slowly moves closer 

“i’m sorry cas…”

Casper cups his cheek in their hand.

“Shhh shhh you have nothing to apologize for….”

A tear rolls down Charlie’s face, feeling Casper’s hand on his cheek. His hands start to shake, and Casper can hear his breathing getting heavy. 

“I didn’t want to do it *Sniffle* I didn’t know what else to do I I just w wanted it to stop-*sniff*” 

“I know. I know baby”

Casper wraps their arms around him as he sobs into their shoulder. After some tears. Charlie starts to compose himself. 

“Baby…you don’t have to talk about it right now you don’t have to tell me anything but…I need to clean them..are you OK with that?”

 Casper held Charlie’s hands and looked down at his wounded arms 

“and I need to see it”

Charlie looked at them and with a heavy sigh he nodded his head and pulled a bloodstained razor blade from his pocket.

“you don’t need this anymore”

They put the razor blade in their coat pocket and gesture for Charlie to sit on the toilet lid. He stands up and sits while Casper grabs a warm washcloth, and begins cleaning his cuts.

“it just doesn’t make….it doesn’t make any fucking sense” Casper hummed in response. Grabbing a bottle of hydrogen peroxide from under the sink. 

“I have loving parents, an amazing partner, and a pretty good job..why the fuck do I keep having slip ups like this?!”

Casper puts a hand on his cheek, and looks him in the eyes softly 

“Charlie… you could have the whole world in your hands and this could still happen. baby relapse is never a pretty thing….but it’s something that happens. it happens a lot…. it’s a sad fact to admit, but it’s true”

Casper finishes up bandaging Charlie’s arm. Once they’re done, they hold Charlie’s face in their hands and give him a kiss on the forehead. Charlie lays his head in their chest. as tears start filling his eyes. 

“it makes me feel so fucking worthless…*Sobs* I don’t know what the fucks wrong with me!”

His voice is raspy from crying. Casper chokes down the tears from seeing their boyfriend like this. 

“Hey now *Sniffle* you’re gonna listen here  Charlie and you gonna listen good. You’re gonna tell that little bastard voice in your head to fuck off. And I’m gonna put a new one there! NOTHING is wrong with you!  you are not broken *Sniffles* And you sure as HELL are not worthless” 

“Every time I Did something wrong! Every time I SAID something wrong, it all come flooding back….it won’t shut up it’s just keep saying it over and over and over…maybe I would be better off D-”

Casper holds Charlie’s face and looks him in the eyes, tears running down their cheeks.

“Don’t you fucking say that……you deserve to be ALIVE, and you deserve to be HAPPY. and I will tell you that till the day my heart stops fucking beating!…I will dry up every tear, I will kiss every cut, I will sit on this bathroom floor with you and let you cry out your pain until the end of time! So you can realize that!”

Casper holds onto Charlie tightly. As if he was going to blow away if they didn’t. They sit there like that wrapped in each others embrace Casper, giving soft kisses to the top of his head here and there. 

“…. I love you Casper”

“I love you too Charlie..and I’ll never stop”

Casper pick’s Charlie up much to his surprise. And walked him over to the bedroom and lays him on the bed. they then go into the closet, pulling out every soft pillow and blanket they can find. they set up the bed and get cuddled up.

“can I see your arm Chuckie?”

Charlie looks at them in confusion

“ya shouldn’t have to change the bandage yet. you just put it on there” 

He says, showing Casper his arm 

“you’re right I don’t need to change it yet”

Casper gently hold onto his arm and starts kissing it, starting at his wrist and stopping at his shoulder. Charlie looks down at them with a almost shocked expression.

“I said I would didn’t I?”

Charlie lunged forward  and wrapped his arms around them. Casper returned this, and slowly started laying the both of them down. Casper hummed a familiar melody. As they slowly drifted off to sleep. 

Today was not a normal Tuesday. And that’s OK you’re going to have non-normal days. but it’s important to know that not every day will be like this abnormal Tuesday.



————————————————————————-

It’s important  to note that whenever I talk about stuff like this, I’m going off of my own situation’s and experiences Soooo if it’s different from your own experience..that’s because it’s Mine..

I think it’s really important to show all of the sides of someone’s mental health journey. So if the person seeing it is going through it, they don’t feel alone.

Thank you too @antipasto-the-theif

For giving me the feedback on posting this 

My DM‘s are open if anyone needs to talk 

Love y’all 





[bakawitch]

Since my last one already got answered, I wanna know about close&open instead, if you let me :p

No worries, this is the one I'm actually focusing on writing the most at the moment

So this is a very gemshippy fic, sprinkled with some puzzle and fadeshipping on the side. (Surprise, surprise, I ship that, too.)

So the plot for this is basically Yugi asks Ryou for help to commune with Atem, but the spell gets interrupted and does something completely else. Namely, opening a gateway to the darkness and dumping a bunch of evil spirits tainted by the millennium ring on Domino, including our favourite thief, our favourite relapsed murder gremlin and our favourite body hijacker. Only problem is that they're all basically yokai now and are all given way too much power for unstable spirits.

The fic mostly follows Ryou and Bakura after they end up living in the same apartment again. Bakura somehow actually ends up finding an honest job at a convenience store at a train station (hence the title) and starts paying actual rent. They work through their issues, have fun little ghost adventures, and fight the spirits of random historical figures that all owned the Ring at some point. And yeah, they also end up in the same bed.

Also, Bakura ends up kind of getting adopted by a father figure into a familiar community.

I started drawing this thing from a scene in the fic, but I ended up hating because of many reasons (mainly that I made Bakura look to neat, thanks brain autopilot)

(Fun fact, Miho is the only one who speaks like that in the whole fic, she's the only one who uses honorific for some reason, I decided would be funny when I was sleep deprived)

Now behold! The only thing I have saved on my phone for this fic! An unedited dialogue between Ryou and Bakura:

"What's this?"

"Money."

"I- I see that. I meant what it is for."

"Rent. Didn't you read the envelope?"

"I did, but," "Why?"

"You said you'd prefer money over the souls of the innocent."

"Where did you get it from?"

"From work? I got paid yesterday."

"You did."

"Yes."

"Is that it, or did you want something else?"

"I'm not taking this."

"Why not?"

"You stole it, right? Payday just means an exceptionally good day for thieves, doesn't it?"

"I did not steal anything."

"Well, I don't -"

"Don't believe me?"

"You told me to find work, so I did."

"You told me to pay rent with money, so I did."

"What else do you want from me?"

[hi-hungry-im-daddy]

What I've eaten today

Wendy's pretzel burger - 840 cal

Wendys medium fries - 427 cal

Wendy's caffeine diet cola - 0 cal

Paradise monster - 10 cal

Salted caramel monster 240 cal

King sized payday - 450 cal

Raw peanuts - 160 cal

Chocolate covered pretzels - 60 cal

Total - 2,187 cal

I hate myself

If only I had another bad relapse like last year, lost 20 lbs in like 3 weeks. At least these past 6 days I've only been eating like 300 cals per day so hopefully it kinda evens out.

[ar-gos]

I had my veggies today, and then my soup turned out very good but too thick because I burned it. Put a potato in it and it feels luxurious. I may also be relapsing in alcohol but I feel so pleasant and floaty and happy for once maybe instead of shrooms I just buy another bottle on payday it'll save me some money

[madamneddemoiselle]

Day 3 of Quarantine/Isolation

1st fcking entry for 2022

Hi. So I wake up today with a very sore body, it felt like thousands of needles were on me. High fever, sore throat causing my voice to be hoarse and a cough. Not to mention the chills. Damn.

This day dragged on with the thought, I feel tired and I wanna vanish. Well, last night's thoughts are like that. But yep, I woke with the same thoughts. Am I relapsing?

Oh hell YES! What's the trigger?

Come, the fucking trigger was when he got mad at me for teasing him because of his all boys group chat. It was really a joke. I was kind of happy that he somehow found like the boys he can hang out with. But yep, he got mad saying we're sick and all that shit. Fuck I'm sick and my brain still can process.

The moment he got mad, I was silent. Really silent, my mind went blank and all I can say "I wanna die". Like die. We were hugging as we're apologizing, but damn I really wanna die. I can't think of anything, I just wanna die.

I slept, I woke up because of sweat and the first thing I wanna do is to take a bath and so I did.

Afternoon came and I'm beginning to think that I shouldn't burden people. But I already asked for a favor. Abi.

I kept on thinking how I can repay those "utang na loob", I don't wanna be indebted, not now that I wanna leave the group. I just wanna die in peace, okay?

I feel bad for asking favors but I don't know where to go or who to ask. We have no money left and there's a lot of days till payday.

I wanna die in peace. I don't want to leave any favors behind, like me asking for favors.

I should do something about it. That duo would be the hardest one to talk to about me leaving them.

Oh, I also wanna leave Sugarbaby by NAM. Sorry if I started it and I can't finish it. Maybe my husband would like to be the M. It's okay, we're "one"

I plan to go out everyday after this quarantine. I don't want to associate myself with my husband for now, I'll just give in. Maybe I have to strengthen my walls so I won't ask every night if I get the love I deserve cause I think he stopped trying after our wedding? I don't know cause I did not, I recently discovered that he's different when it's monday and that's okay. How about him? Is he ever trying? Does he even really know me?

Yup, you'll hear more cause I'm back again with these thoughts. Why? Cause I feel like people take me for granted and they can easily snap because of me.

[xx0madnesmagg0t]

TW : ED

keeping up a food diary so i dont go binging, it’s honestly so hard not to relapse but i think its going well! buying some exercise equipment on payday and a fitbit to help me

[creaman]

Sokol comm for @/sebekenjoyer on twt from earlier this year

[viraldragonrider]

Personality Types

I have a love hate relationship with personality types (PT) like i so wanna think they are absoulte bullsh*t but oh my gods the results of this fecking test are so accurate it physically hurts. According to this website: https://www.16personalities.com/ there are 16 PT, these are named after the 4 dominant traits associated with that personality type. For example, my PT is INFJ-T, I > Introverted, N > Intuitive, F > Feeling, and J > Judging, the T is a sub-type of the INFJ personality, you can also have the PT of INFJ-A. The A stand for Assertive where as the T stands for Turbulent, as you might be able to guess people with the Assertive PT tend to be more confident and relaxed where as people with the Turbulent PT (i.e. me) are more likely to question themselves and are more sensitive to stressors (which you know is really helpful for the anxiety...not).

On the website linked above you can take a quick test to see what PT you are...totally recommended by the way. I struggle a lot in my daily life and with things that seem so basic to other people, like making friends or telling someone to do something, even just working alongside people that don't think the same way I do. I hate the idea that I'm showing off, and it feels like I am when i tell someone exactly what they should be doing. I've always known that I'm private but I like to share things that are going on but only with the right people.

Reading through even the basic guidance on that website has helped me understand so much about myself. It makes me realise that I'm not broken because I don't make friends easily or keep constant in contact with the few I do have. And my lack of romantic relationships isn't because I don't have a heart, it's because of PT. It's because I expect both myself and those around me to reach the impossibly high fantasy my head has come up with and my perfectionism won't let me settle for less.

And you might be thinking, 'Yeah but what does this actually achieve?' Well I'll tell you.

By knowing that this is what it happening I can start to manage things differently, I can work on accepting things that aren't perfect. I can work on making more manageable goals and setting more realistic expectations. And I've figured all of this out from just one free PT test online, imagine the progress I could make if I paid for the Premium Profile and got 200+ pages of advice and knowledge regard my PT. By the gods imagine if I went to THERAPY.

But alas, for now I shall stick with this, free help and strangers on the internet. Maybe on my next payday I'll but the Premium Profile and maybe a few years down the line when I stop making progress with self help I'll seek out professionals. But right now the last thing I want to do is drive straight into the deep end. We are gonna take this one step at a time. And yes there will be set backs and relapses but as long as i'm ultimately making progress I'm happy.

Feel free to join me on my, quite frankly treacherous, journey. I wish you all luck.

ViralDragonRider

[k4nill]

ROTTMNT Headcannons for a Friend ~ S/O being sick.

Sorry i'm damnnnn late but translating this took a me while hahaha I hope you get better soon dear!!! @turtlestanfirst.

Raph

> Calls you all the fluffiest pet names with that sweet "hey buddy" tone all the time you are sick.

> Rather visit you than having you in quarentene by Donnie on the lair (and also to have some time alone)

> Raph is most likely to pick you up for anything, so forget about being able to walk for a while.

> Tries to cook for you, but it's always the same Raph special Hot Soup™ (ramen noodles with maccaroni and spaguetti pasta, Raph is a high-cab guy) still, is warm as his heart and a delight.

> He understands how tired you must feel so he suggest soft activities (having netflix marathons of movies, a console game, board games, BUT NEVER FUCKING UNO HE WILL CRY IF YOU THROW HIM THAT +4 CARD)

> He's the one who would probably ask you if you wanted him to leave or if you want to be alone, he thinks he's too suffocating. (It is a little, but you know, he cares too much)

> Builts a pillow fortress for you and when entering he says: "you need something, your majesty?" He just treats you like royalty.

> Blast your favorite songs and sings for you in the smoothest jazzy voice. (you know his beautiful deep ass voice)

> Let's say you are so entretained you and Raph forget the time for your meds, still you take em, but like 5 hours late.

> Raph constantly talks about his family and friends. He's the one to bring up deep conversations topics (about him being the leader , not being good enough, concerned by his brothers dumbassery) and you open up as well. Raph is full of emotions and loves to be listened to and he'll do the same for you.

>His eyes become crystalline when you start coughing or when the thermometer marks a mild fever.

> He tries to clean your place. Tries, but most likely to trash it a little bit more... Just a little.

> When you told him you were sick he came rushing, didn't even think of getting sick himself, so, after you recover is most likely you have to take care of him.

> Dumb dumb also didn't tell his family where tf he was, so he made his family a little concerned.

Donnie

> Boy thinks He's Dr. House or some shit like he'll ask you all you symptoms and then he tells you with his dorky "Mr. I know all" smirk that is a rare desease that you can only adquire on the amazon rainforest like... You have a cold.

> Doesn't want to get sick (a waste of time) and definitely don't want anyone on the lair sick cuz they are DRAMATIC AF when they get sick.

> So he suits himself up with those NBC suits and ask you to stay in a (previously prepared) station in the lab, which is basically a sickbed with some comfy futons (that he stole from Leon), with a screen near for your entretainment, and tons of pillows.

> Programs Shelldon so you can have your meds on time or if you need something he can bring it to you.

> You may find a plushie in the station and ask Donnie where he got it and he'll tell you with the most monotone and uninterested tone : "Oh I took it from Leon, it was with the pillows, don't mind it, you can take it home if you want"

> YEAH THE BITCH TOTALLY FOUGHT A CAT FOR IT ON THE FUCKING DUMPSTER AND HE'S SCREAMING INTERNALLY WHEN YOU SAY: "Thanks, it's cute."

> He'll work on some project but high-key is not, he's watching you all the time, like you are watching some dank ass memes and look over to see him and he does that "thing", you know when you pretend you stare at nothing when they catch you staring at someone?

> He' wearing the suit but with any barely improvement of the symptoms he'll take it off and get closer to you cuz he misses being close to you.

> Won't allow you to be just in bed tho, he says activity is important. So he takes you out to dance to your favorite songs and his weeb songs. (Bootyyyshaker9000 entered the game)

> When you are getting ready to go to sleep, he tucks you in, gets his caffeine overdose and in your deep dream state he plugs you in a machine to continue to monitor your sickness.

> Gets sick cuz he's a dummy and took the suit to early, also not enough sleep can lower your defenses.

Leon

>Ok low-key the doctor of the family, (I live for this HC of Leon being a doctor) knows right away you are sick when you come in the lair.

> Also doesn't want you in quarentene (Damn Donnie it's not time to test that gigant quarentine snow globe protocol) so takes you to the "Neon City". (Leon's room is filled with Neon signs of all kinds.)

> Lets you use his bed, no questions and doesn't take a no for an answer. (plus his eye mask)

> In the shelfs they are these plants and miniature zen garden, rubik's cube, some origami stuff, figurines....he shows you how to take care of the plants, solve 3d puzzles, even teaching you origami (Leon is a very zen person, if he doesn't have a break from the meme lord he is he would've snapped a long time ago) and his personal favorite: sewing patches to his gigant bed sheet (he started trimming pieces of fabrics and putting em together, remember they aren't rich but resourceful) just to keep you entretained.

> But board games are next level shit, you don't want to play because Leon is a really bad loser/winner he's dumbass and will always complain.

> You two end up watching compilations of memes and vines for HOURS, until you decide is time to watch a movie, but wait its the fucking 69 movies of Jupiter Jim the only thing in the catalogue.

> But you love to reenact your favorite scenes with him, and maybe, just maybe he would let you be Captain Jim this time.

> We all know Leon is really clumsy, yet he's really gentle and soft when he wants to. He treats you the same as always (quoting shitty vines and hideous oneliners from time to time) but he tries to touch you a lot more and if you think of something it's like he already read you mind and bring you what you wanted or needed. Smooth mofo.

> Leon isn't obsessive when it's something mild (like a cold) he knows is something temporary and just want you to keep you distracted, without feeling suffocated or making you feel you can't do anything.

> But if it was something like a broken bone, beatings in general or you having a relapse in any major illness he would get depressed. He won't be as bright with you or with others, his behaivor would shift from 100 to 1 until you get better.

> In this last scenario, silently cries when people he cares about (that are in this state) are asleep, cuz he can't make them heal faster or make them feel better. His brothers snap, are agressive, are short tempered and anxious when they are in this situation, Leon just shuts down and bottles up his feelings of impotence.

>Also another dummy who gets sick, he's a pain in the ass who thinks he's gonna die soon, but give him all the attention an cuddles and he'll be a good boy.

Mikey

>Stole literally all the comfy items (plushies, futons, shelldon, Raph's hot soup) to give it to you.

> Mikey is not knowledgable in med stuff, so he often ask Leon or Donnie about your sickness but won't credit them lol.

> The entire time wears a classic halloween costume nurse hat and wears a white coat and a fake glasses with a mustache when he wants to be a doctor. (plus: makes his voice a little deeper)

> He says that the lair isn't at all like a hospital but the hospital is made by all the good will people of the personal that want to help others, so he dresses up to make you feel in one. You can't help but enjoy everytime he changes from a nurse to a doctor having their monologues about payday and gossiping about the "other" staff.

Dr. Mikey: "Dr. Saenz just told me that he's firing Barbara because he didn't bought him the right sidedish with his pizza."

Nurse Mikey: "hOW DARES BARBARA DISRESPECT DR. SAENZ ONION RINGS WITH BARBECUE SAUCE"

> And takes the game kinda far.

Dr. Mikey: "yOU INSURANCE DOESN'T COVER THIS!!!"

You: "Ok doctor what about if I make a deposit of hugs in the bank for this?"

Mikey:"O-okay!!!! I'm the bank man now!!! (Totally changed into a bank man just adding a red tie)

> Mikey won't turn down your entretainment, neither his. So he'll paint and let you paint saying is your recovery therapy.

> You would have a lot of fun but sometimes you'll feel a little ashamed to show what you did because honestly Mikey is really good, nontheless he'll will always compliment your art and keeps everysingle piece in storage (even things you think he should throw away).

> Mikey's meds skills are basically laugh therapy.

> While his brothers are calm he kinda panics and pretends everything is okay, until he trips on an imaginary banana peel or drops just one of your pills he snAPS and says he's sorry he's not a good enough nurse/doctor in the verge of tears. (Of course you later reasure him his not.)

> He's just so active but he knows you can cope with him, it's sorta frustraiting to him to lower her normal energy levels.

> Doesn't get sick, surprisingly.

[skinnyrosyflower]

Help

I’ve hit plateau, and I also have relapsed into the anorexic behaviors I used to do a year ago for three years. I haven’t been eating over 500 for about 4 days but today was my birthday. I threw up part of my muscle milk in the shower but had to eat dumplings with tzaziki for lunch and one round of zuchinni, I hid the other three. I opened my presents and my sister got me some sushi gummies. I ate them immediately in a bing-like fashion. It brought my total up to 1210 and I panicked. My mom still made me eat dinner which I had Raisin Bran and for night snack I was feeling okay and bingeish so I had a payday bar. It brought my total up to 2079 for the day. I hope it reboots my metabolism so I lose more weight after tomorrow. I also got some news today about my labs and my UA. So my labs were okay except for my B12 and my UA wasn’t bad enough to send me to Boston for residential care so I will be in IOP starting next week. I am so nervous and I kinda feel bad because I wasn’t bad enough or skinny enough to be sent to residential care. Anyway, I tru ed 16 today and I had the first melt down since thirsday bc my brain and ed wouldn’t give me a break. Anyway, maybe I’ll update about today more tomorrow but for now I’m going to chill.

Update: binged. Will do a weight update tomorrow

[amidthefallingsnow]

Early morning payday Friday and I'm contemplating if I even have the energy to go to the nail salon this afternoon. Wondering about how I'm going to get dinner and everything. Mom's going away for the night and I'll be home alone and I still will be in bed at 830. I've been sick for 6 years but this relapse is erasing major parts of me I refuse to give to my illness. Like getting my nails done. I'm exhausted. How did I do it all before?