#pebbledthoughts

[pebbleduniverse]

sitting in my bedroom reading

posts on bright screens with bleary eyes

blinking away spots and

wishing i could blink away the words replaying

in my head i need

a break really i need to

be allowed a moment and

i need to be allowed to breathe

if only the world worked better in those ways

i just didn't do my homework today i

didn't feel like it

instead i went through and fixed up old pictures

on my computer that i'm proud of taking and

watched a movie on the tiny screen of my tablet and

sat in my room at my desk and tried to take a moment

at least i got something done even if it wasn't

something that productive i just

need a break need acceptance need a world that

isn't so rude with absolutely no reason can't

people just live and i

can't do anything about it except write

poems lacking punctuation

to represent the neverending feeling of never getting a break

never that's the thing they always tell us we'll

never be i guess i wonder

if they say it enough will it cancel itself out will it

start being always as in

we always deserve to be ourselves we always

deserve to exist and feel and breathe and live and can't we

just be free for once for once all these

teenagers are burnt out and want to escape i

wonder why is it so hard for them to see this why

can't anyone just see us we

make sense if you're actually looking at facts and not

fallacies spewed across and out by people who know nothing but

how to hate senselessly and unendingly we just have to

create our own futures and our own worlds i guess after

all what else is there to do when we don't have much power to

change things otherwise

i just allowed myself a breath but

even though for a second I had peace it's

started up again neverending

no i don't care that that word isn't

one word it's two what

makes you think i care about something like that at a time like this although

isn't it better sometimes to think on things you can control like grammar and spelling and

the speed you walk at in the hallways at school

instead of fretting about how

the existence of so many people has

somehow turned into an issue you can only talk about when

it's being debated in court or

by the people with all the controlling and hateful power

i took another breath i took several and

it felt good but i still can't stop how

do we deal with this by

writing poems for one i guess this

is turning into lots of i guesses it's time for something i know

this poem will never be finished it's

the marching movement of everrebellious life moving on and

no i don't care that that's also not a word i have

other things to think about at a time like this

like how nice it is to write poems on rough notebook paper and

flip through the pages and feel fulfilled and

how nice it is to step on snow outside and

how calm that one class period is and

how nice these blankets feel and

how amazing the feeling of making art is and

how beautiful it is that we're still living and

how incredible it is that we're still existing and thriving in the face of hate i

won't let that be the last word of this poem I'll

end it with create

[pebbleduniverse]

I wonder what space tastes like;

-- Space as in room — or

Space as in past the atmosphere? --

Space as in freedom;

Space as in floating, not flight, not frozen;

Space as in you can stretch out,

Spread your fingertips as far as they can go,

Chipped nails on the brink of grasping the nonexistent horizon,

— And you can feel content, constant;

I wonder what space tastes like;

Eternity on your tongue and

Stars caught in your teeth,

Showing your excellence at being and

Worthiness to be among them, always;

For as you swirl into nebulas,

It doesn't matter what you look like

Or what you do/how you're different/your problems/your issues,

For you are Celestial,

Bright, Eternally Shining

And Wonderful;

Something people look up to from the

Bonds of Earth, shoes covered in dust and

Feet tethered to the ground,

Wondering about what/who/why

You are, how you came to

Shine so bright,

Be/become such a beautiful appearance in their sky, (your sky,)

Showing them hope while the world falls around them;

And you feel that you can be whatever,

That you are, truly, whatever;

That you are yet another piece of the sky, of forever;

That you belong, that you

Are, truly, there;

You deserve to be there, you

Are just as worthy as everyone else

And nothing can make you fall;

For you are,

You are;

And you will never

Stop, being;

[pebbleduniverse]

This is your reminder to take a break from worrying about the problems of the world and try to focus on something else for a bit. Read a story, or some poems. Make some art. Go outside and take a walk. Stick your head out a window and breathe for a second. Listen to some comforting music that is unrelated to what you're trying to avoid thinking about. It will come back eventually and that horrible feeling in the pit of your stomach will inevitably return, but at least you now have a moment of joy you can look back on later. Try to focus on that small moment of blissfulness when you lie in bed tonight instead of the terrible things. You can do it; I'm sure of it.

[pebbleduniverse]

When everything sucks and I feel like there's nothing I can do, I create something. A pen sketch in black ink in the corner of a page, an origami star, a photo of the sky, a few random chords on my ukulele, moving some rocks around outside to make a pattern, anything.

It doesn't matter how small it is, but it gives me a bit of power over my world. I can make my own fascinating sanctuary of tiny, seemingly insignificant yet truly lifesaving things even while there's chaos in the world around me.

a torn corner of a poster taped to a wall. a sticky note with something kind on it. a painted-on bottle cap. a photo stuck to a bookshelf. folded up blankets on a chair. a poem scribbled on an old piece of paper. a thought I can't get out of my head posted to a blog. tiny details, but so important.

[pebbleduniverse]

do things in colors you love~

it doesn't matter if someone else doesn't like the color, it's your color and you like it so you should keep using it to color your world

other people's negative opinions on the harmless little things you like should not change your own thoughts on something that makes you happy

[pebbleduniverse]

going through my camera roll is like sorting through memories and

i get to live them all over again

and when i'm done

there's a rekindled flame of purple and blue sunlight and moonlight and evening mixed

telling me to live some more

[pebbleduniverse]

...and I asked the stars

and they said to just be

[pebbleduniverse]

I want to breathe in stardust

[pebbleduniverse]

Don't shove yourself into boxes unless you feel comfortable in the box.

The same goes for if other people try to shove you into boxes.

Don't force yourself to sit in the boxes if it's not comfortable.

[pebbleduniverse]

Just being here is enough, you know

[pebbleduniverse]

I've had to come to terms with the fact that I am no longer a child.

I tried to hold on to it as long as I could but

The world wouldn't comply

— or rather, I wouldn't comply. (couldn't comply)

And the things I had to learn through

Silent whispers of terrified people and

Text upon screens (and unheard screams)

Of the horrors of the world,

I could not go back.

(maybe if we taught our children

what it was like, what things were, what they could be

that it's okay

that differences are simply great/

just another part of life,

i could've held on just a bit longer

–– as no one no one should have to wonder/

to worry if they will no longer be loved

for being who they are)

And coming to terms with the end of my childhood

Brings upon it a sort of lightness in

Looking at pictures I take or

Moments I've captured, whether through poetry or an image or a thought,

As everyone is simply seeking to return to that feeling of

Childhood, of acceptance, of faith in good over bad,

It's good to know more but

Sometimes all we want

Is to be a child again

— is to be loved, unquestioningly again

[pebbleduniverse]

Just because they're screaming in our faces

Doesn't mean we have to listen to their hate

[pebbleduniverse]

To-Do: Note to Self

try remembering that things change. things will always change. some constants are as follows, including but not limited to: change, love, existence, life, thoughts, ideas, beginnings, endings, resilience, resistance, creation, destruction, somethings

there will always be somethings,

and there will always be these things

and there will always be change

and we will always be here.

whether they like it or not.

[pebbleduniverse]

Just trying to deal.

Focusing on music and art and the magnificent books n' things I'm reading rn helps.

(when you're absolutely terrified for the future but you're determined to not give in and just exist no matter what, you find the randomest little things to latch onto to give you comfort. that one specific hat; those bracelets; the short stories of a specific genre; diy anything; specific poems you wrote to comfort yourself; the irrelevant thoughts posted in case someone happens to stumble across them and needs them as much as you do; assignments from a class that feels so normal, so certain; fuzzy socks that are just the right length; decorating your walls until they have been molded to reflect parts of your inner you; any tiny thing you have control over to mold the smallest aspects of the world around you into a world you actually want to be in. create your own safe space if the world doesn't want you to be there.)

[pebbleduniverse]

but what they don't tell you is that it's perfectly fine to not know what you're doing some of the time. you're trying to learn, trying to know, and that's okay too. as long as you're trying.

[pebbleduniverse]

Honestly, it's pretty incredible to think about the fact that we just exist. Like. We just are. We didn't ask to be, but we are anyway.

We're just walking around, looking at cool things and beautiful things and terrible things and crying and laughing and sitting on our floors sighing and breathing in and out and we didn't ask for this, we didn't ask to live, but we do anyway.

That's amazing.