#people dont draw him insane enough. im changing that

[disguisedcheezed]

take a look into my beautiful mind.

dw he's disassociating. <3

[threegunbrainrot]

i dont have any trigun mutuals so i'm just gonna ramble my thoughts into the infinite void of tumblr. and im sure others have touched on this same topic but

it almost seems like vash is getting softer with every new installment of trigun? like incredibly consistently and incredibly specifically.

let me explain.

i'll start with tristamp and work backwards; the tristamp vash we all know and love there is incredibly adverse to violence.

more often than not he ACTIVELY refuses to fight and just WON'T draw his gun. this post loosely counted the amount of bullets that he shot throughout all of season 1, and almost ALL of them (like to an insane degree) were dished out against knives, who vash knew was strong enough to take the hit.

the few times vash does draw his gun against a human in tristamp, it's as a blunt force weapon (against the badlads gang and livio, for example) or to disarm others/save someone with ricochet (like shooting the punisher before wolfwood can kill livio).

he just doesn't shoot people. at ALL.

then if we look at 98 trigun, things change drastically.

here, vash isn't afraid to hurt people a little if it means more will be saved in the end. of course he never kills, but he actually shoots people here. not only that...

he holds a casual, sarcastic conversation while pointing his weapon at people.

he constantly shoots at limbs to immobilize people, fires warning shots extremely close to peoples' vitals, and performs several very insane trick shots throughout the show to wound those with armor.

tristamp vash wouldn't even draw, but 98 struts around firing warning shots into the sky and singing about bloodshed for intimidation! i'm not sure there's a single episode where he doesn't shoot someone at least once.

...so what about trimax, then?

(PLOT SPOILERS AHEAD)

he is so. shockingly. violent.

of course he never kills. of course he's still trying to save people, but there's this anger in him that i was completely taken off-guard by reading for the first time.

tristamp vash is so soft he's painful to watch. 98 vash makes a heartbreaking effort to be as silly and nonthreatening as possible, constantly making himself out to be the fool. but trimax?

he's... literally grief-stricken and out for revenge. explicit revenge. he's angry and he's hurt and he lays his intentions out so clearly. he's making THREATS.

seriously:

hunting legato. HUNTING him.

it's not even a matter of drawing his weapon anymore. he does it constantly, and fires just as much. never to kill, but he doesn't joke around the way 98 vash does. the most he'll offer is a sunny smile to reassure others and nothing more.

i'm not that far into the manga, either. i'm sure there's countless more (and probably better) panels to convey this side of trimax vash, but i suppose it also says something that i've found so many panels depicting this so early on.

but the progression of vash's personality is fascinating regardless.

from a tortured, angry loner desperately trying to cling to his morals for rem's sake

to an equally devastated man who devotes himself so completely to acting the role of the fool

and finally to the sad, chronically depressed shell of a person in tristamp who refuses to so much as draw his weapon.

[trickstarbrave]

TCS FRIDAY (AGAIN)

this time we've got.... AHKRINAAK!!! his explanation should hopefully be shorter but i'll put it under a cut to be safe @the-elder-polls

ahkrinaak is a dragon. was the second in command during the dawn era. he used to be much more serious (and also more masculine looking). he was also alduin's mate. his name was originally ah-krin-naak (hunt-courage/bravery-devour), but he later changed it to ahkrin-aak (courage/bravery-guide)

unfortunately for him auriel sent him with trinimac to rip out lorkhan's heart. blood splattered all over him and (sorry i have to go into weird lore) the combination of literally killing one half of auriel-lorkhan (i didnt make that up they are the same god but also not) and getting lorkhan's blood all over him drove him insane. luckily he just became very silly and stupid. he has a poor attention span, goes on rambling tangents, and loves eating and sleeping. he also loves mortals actually and can understand why lorkhan did what he did. he basically pretends to have died. this pisses alduin off royally and helps start alduin's "i want to rule the world" shit. oops.

(alduin argues he lost enough during the war against lorkhan and his faction. and that auriel/akatosh/whatever you call him isnt fit to be god-king anymore given how much power he lost and how hes kind of half dead. that means alduin, as his first born, has a claim to the throne.)

upon getting to nirn ahkrinaak tries to befriend people but a 7 foot tall humanoid dragon-guy is pretty scary and people dont wanna chill with him. so he as a shapeshifter changes his form to look more cute and friendly. he wants to look as non-intimidating as possible and i think he pulls it off. most of the time he's just roaming nirn looking for stuff to do, sometimes he also causes problems in oblivion (he got kicked out of apocrypha. lol).

he started as a kind of self insert just for jokes but he's gotten lore and has become his own thing now. i just think he's so much fun to draw and cause problems with

(the two rly fancy pictures are when he was stuck in temples to akatosh/auriel after accidentally doing time god adjacent things. he eventually left with no explanation bc he got bored)

if he's present during skyrim stuff he always wants to adopt the dragonborn. he thinks the ldb is a little baby dragon and wants to adopt them and raise them.

the other dragons are very confused by ahkrinaak being. like this now. unfortunately he is still at full power. so he is still more powerful than most other dragons. and is still hot because of that to alduin, much to his humiliation (i hc dragons find power to to be the most attractive trait for obvious reasons)

tl;dr: ahkrinaak is a former joke self insert that became a character of his own and also is paired up with alduin bc im cringe as hell. but i am free

[komohine]

ok so I totally just scrolled through your entire blog and oh my god?? You actually might be a gift from heaven this has actually made my entire year

I genuinely thought I was the only james lover like ever - most of them just kinda disappeared from the face of the planet after 2020 😞 And JAITH!! Oh my goodness I am a jaith lover (jaith 🔛🔝) and your blog is genuinely just so good for jaith content I am actually set for the next 5 years minimum (I have zero artistic talent or skills so am unable to draw the jaith myself so people like you who are also jaith fans are actually the best thing in existence)

I literally check his ao3 tag DAILY 😭 There are so many cute fics for them (+sm cute fanart) but they’re all so old and I’ve read basically all of them, so seeing new content is a bit of a shock but a very welcome shock cuz woah wdym the jaith/james fandom is actually alive??

(Also I love the mandatory not klance tag on the posts, people mistaking james for lance is always hilarious so the tag makes me giggle lol)

sorry to ask anonymously btw, if I didn’t it’d expose my other blog 😭 (I have one that is non voltron related lmao)

LOLL IM SO GLAD IM COLLECTING ALK THE STILL ALIVE JAMES AND JAITH FANS there needs to be more of us (who dont also ship sheith lol) 😭

James is way over hated in the fandom (i didnt find this out till like yesterday guys why am i chronically like a decade late to fandom this happened with hetalia too note that i no longer am in the hetalia fandom i fucking hate hetalia) so ive taken it upon myself to contextualize his actions to make him more understandable and more of an actual character lol

Also small rant… ppl wishing he got killed off bcs of a few comments he made when he was like 14 years old at most? Bffr 😭 wishing for the death of a character for things they said as an angsty 14 year old vs claiming a literal geneva convention violator’s “redemption arc” was “ruined” is kind of insane lmfao (sorry lotor likers i dont fw him 😞) like come on guys. Also its very clear how much he’s changed like of all the characters in the show i would argue his redemption arc was the most effective. He was shown to be golden boy, super respectful of chain of command and a stickler for rules. So for him to go out of his way to disobey direct orders, break the rules, and not only put his life on the line but the lives of 3 others and possibly more to sneak Hunk to see his family, is actually like insane. Even if you disregard my jaith headcanons, the fact he would do that for hunk (and by extension, keith) is more than enough of a redemption arc imo.

Tldr james is my oc now ppl need to stop bullying him

[freakurodani]

top 5 haikyuu moments !! (can be particular scenes or episodes or arcs) :D

OKAY!!! so i had to gather visuals for this one bc i have many feelings about this!! I went for scenes that no matter how many times i watch, they never lose their magic for me, no matter that i know theyre coming, it still takes my breath away and makes me roll around with delight, these most of these i feel like are probably pretty obvious ones, they were meant to be impactful but ough, if they dont tear me up in the best way

SO IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER

1.

I mean, what can i say??? what IS there to say?? theyve been teammates for a few weeks at this point, but hinata has given all his trust to kageyama and in turn, kageyama promised to use it to its full potential. its also a promise for their rivalry!! like, okay okay okay think about it, with the context we have with Kazuyo, kageyama has *already* decided that hinata is going to be his someone better! he sees it innately and he wants to draw it out of him, and he's, hes trying to be *hinatas* someone better too!! do u understand *shakes you* do u see what i mean!!! i mean, im sure u do, im definitely not the first person to go insane about this and ppl have probably also said it in a way thats smarter than me but just, ough

2.

its,,,, its,,, the acceptance of it all,,, i just think about how *alone* kageyama must have felt after his grandfather passed, we see and know that hes not good at connecting with people. hes bad at communicating and hes sensitive and he's scared of getting complacent. like, the all youth camp arc and atsumu calling him a goody-two-shoes is kageyama struggling with how he is changing, how hes trying to incorporate the influences he's gotten from his betters, and he cherishes it, but he's also felt like the advice he'd been given didn't also mesh with certain parts of himself. or, thats how i read into it, anyway. he tries so *hard* to be what ppl need him to be, and he's *so scared* of being rejected again. and this is hinata (and the rest of karasuno) telling him "HEY! we like you! we think you're smart and you dont have to shoulder connection all on your own! let us help you connect with us in a way where you feel comfy too :)" and then they talk about how they want communication! and it works!! and i just *rips into a pillow with my teeth*

3.

HINATA'S PERFECT RECEIVE!!!!! so the inarizaki match is probably my favorite?? there are so many good moments but *this?* you wanna see me go insane? do you want smth thatll make me tear up? every time!! its just!!! a beautiful culmination of all of hinatas hard work that he's put into during the year! its his change of mindset! its his growth!! he's fallen a level deeper in love with volleyball and ive fallen a level deeper in love with his character

4.

halo around the moon <3 Tsukki's block, his hard work, his character arc and development and everything is just *chefs kiss*. i remember the first time i watched the show, i,, *hated* tsukishima, and i think we definitely arent supposed to like him at first, but GOD does that turn around!! and this moment just feels so *earned* and *epic* and in the end HE STILL ISNT SATISFIED!!!!! he STILL wanted more!!! this point was worth 100 god fucking damn!!

5.

im talking about the inarizaki match again!! but this time with a focus on Tanaka, who kind of struggled with this match! he was in a low place during it, felt stagnated and lame. Tanaka, as a character, i would say is best characterized by his mental fortitude and stability, funny enough. He's wild, but i think part of his visual design lends that as his base (since he's often compared to buddhas/monks). But in this match, we get more depth, we see him falter and struggle! it takes more than just a slap to his cheeks to get better (tho tsukishima does point out that he gets out of his depression pretty fast) but like, tanaka uses meaningful cognition to break his rut, and its also just like, advice that I've seen used for stuff like any kind of creative block as well. The visual during the animation, he's climbing up the stairs, he's slowing down, he's coming face to face with a canyon, a plateau. He sees two options, give in, or push forward and he picks "the cooler" one, and struggles forward, forces himself ahead! and kageyama backs him up too, by not letting him back down, assuring him that his usefulness hasnt reached its end and AUGH I LOVE A TEAM YALL

okay thank u so much for the excuse to ramble about haikyuu moments that mean everything to me <33333

[spacedlexi]

sorry for randomly dumping my headcanon here but I feel like I’m going insane and need at least one other person to hear this opinion without getting jumped (transphobia sucks) and this is related to the trans headcanon post so anon ask it is

like a week ago when I was really tired I thought about how there isn’t a lot of representation for queer POC, especially when it comes to trans people. so being Black and transmasc myself a lightbulb practically lit over my head at the chance to headcanon a well-loved Black character (Louis) as trans (and transmasc at that! always felt somewhat excluded due to most people subconsciously only viewing young, white, and/or skinny characters as transmasc) and I wrote down:

“Trans Louis… his deadname was Louise and his parents were rich enough for him to buy testosterone without anyone noticing and they chalked the changes up to puberty. Either he gradually brought more and more masculine clothes and his parents didn’t care or again he brought them without anyone noticing and brought them to Ericson’s/wore them when his parents wouldn’t notice”.

that was written somewhat un-seriously because I was tired but now my brain has latched onto transmasc Kouis and I feel like I need at least one other person to see my vision or I’ll go insane.

ALSO YOU’RE SO RIGHT ABOUT VI’S WEAPON BEING A BUTCHER’S KNIFE. didn’t get it at first but when it clicked I stared at the corner of the room like a sitcom character staring at the camera when a laugh track plays after they deliver a classic zinger.

awe 🥺 come into my open arms you are safe here. i did really like way back when the transmasc louis transfem vi headcanons were a little popular. even if i didnt necessarily share them myself (but thats mostly just bc i dont headcanon a lot. i did draw them with the trans flag tho). it was cute :') and im glad it makes you so happy!! i see your Vision anon i Get It. if he could do what he did to his parents i think he could secretly buy a whole new wardrobe if he wanted dfgsdfg

and yeah butchers knife violet just reinforcing her masc lesbian vibes for me when i Realized. like oh its intentional isnt it. theres no way that girl is fem shes just a secret softie. how am i Not supposed to think shes got some gender thing going on with those layered baggy shirts and vest that hide her frame 🤨 ??

[tauforged]

#1: I love finding someone with a unique/rare ship or headcannon.

#2: the interaction with Sigma and Sombra, where Sigma is saying Moira is going to run some tests on him, how do you think Ramattra would respond to hearing that?

#3 do they have any nick names for each other?

AW TEEHEE THANKYOU!!! its been a while since ive had the motivation to like, draw or write anything for em but rest assured im thinking about them so so so much... youve activated my autism trap card though i have an INSANE amount of convoluted opinions on the nature of character dynamics between sigma and sombra as well as sigma and moira and im taking this opportunity to babble about it. sorry in advance.

as for the interaction, personally im of the opinion that said 'tests' are literallly.... just tests. as in like, yknow, bloodwork, scans to make sure the implants and augments he has are actually working to redirect excess pressure and kinetic energy from his vital organs when using his abilities ... ive talked about how i think that sorta stuff works more in this post but tldr is that a lot of the tech and equipment hes using is of his own design and VERY experimental, hes pretty much flying blind here so he kind of has to make changes as he goes and so it's kinda important that his health and safety are taken into account. and he also has a bit of a uhhh. demonstrable history of disregarding his own safety for the sake of his research. it would kind of make sense that theyd be going out of their way to make sure someone stays on him about actually doing the damn tests and keeping track of the results. it just so happens that he's really averse to letting just anyone Examine (tm) him because of. yknow. the everything. and moira happens to fit the bill of being A. someone he feels he can trust to not take things too far (whether or not he's making a good choice here is up for debate, but i think he could do worse) and B. actually have a degree of knowing what she's doing. i definitely think that the only reason she's bothering at least initially is her own curiosity about everything he's got going on, but he also does just really feel like the type to jsut kind of naturally be very endearing . ive said before that a lot of their interactions read as playful to me, at least on his end - he DEFINITELY sounds like he's messing with her on purpose. i think he does genuinely regard her as a friend, and for the most part, he's probably right - even if she's a bit cranky about it. i have a LOT of thoughts about their relationship too honestly probably far too many to cram into this one post LMFAO i think about the dynamic a lot. im a moira apologist idc i think that she is capable of being nice sometimes. just because shes kind of a cunt sometimes doesnt mean shes needlessly cruel, like not only do i feel like messing with his head and experimenting on him given his history would be kinda kicking him while he's down. but ALSO, i feel like she's smart enough to know that making him an enemy would be a baaaad idea. he can literally explode people with his mind. she knows better than to give him any reason to be genuinely mad at her, and i do think he would absolutely NOT tolerate any kind of treatment like that ever again unless it was on his terms and he had the power to just leave if it got to be too much. even as it is, i think the entire process is a bit of a sore spot for him and not exactly something he's thrilled about, hence his hesitation in that interaction - not because it's happening against his will so much as he's regarding it the same way i think about having to go get blood drawn. it's not fun, but it's gotta happen somehow.

all that to say, i think upon overhearing discussion of said 'tests' without further context mattra would NOT be happy about it, likely getting defensive the same way sombra does. he'd probably be a lot harder to dissuade than she is tbh, i dont know if he'd really take moira's word for it that there's nothing underhanded going on here unless sig told him so himself, and even then it would still put his hackles up. he's probably very nosy about it for a very long time. just to be safe.

as far as nicknames/pet names go, in my mind theyre both very... awkward about these kinda things i guess if that makes sense? emotional vulnerability comes easily for NEITHER of them, between sig still recovering from decades of isolation and mattra just naturally being very guarded and bitter (for good reason!) and not used to outwardly expressing his care for others, especially not for some random human who seems to have decided that they're friends. to me, their dynamic is very much one of tentativeness and battling with distrust and insecurity. i think it would take a very, very long time to get there, and even longer to actually be able to casually say stuff like that without wanting to explode and die on the spot. i do think sig is a bit more outwardly affectionate than mattra, but even then, a lot of it is kinda tempered by the fact that he's just very forward with everyone about everything at this point - he's kind of desperate for positive connections with others that he can hold onto, so he's reached a point where it doesn't take much to get him to consider someone a friend and he's not exactly hiding it anymore. oh, i dropped something and you picked it up before i had a chance to? sick, we are now besties and i would kill for you.

i think that sort of attitude would catch ramattra off guard and he'd not really know how to react to any of it. sig could call him anything at this point, but if it's in an affectionate tone he WILL bluescreen about it. ramattra.exe has encountered an error and must restart

i do really like sig's valentines voiceline, so i might just roll with 'starlight' even if it's a bit cheesy... hell, now that i think about it, i think he'd do that specifically BECAUSE it's cheesy and will probably elicit an eye-roll or a 'stop that'. he seems to enjoy pushing people's buttons. maybe bothering his friends is his love language idk

[roboyomo]

MY MIND IS JUST INFESTED BY THESE TWO GUYS ATM RIGHT BEFORE BED AND IM SAD THAT I DONT HAVE ANY NEWER ART OF THEM I ONLY HAVE THE OLD STUFF I NEED TO DRAW THEM MORE AGAIN

okay this will turn into a quick rant about them so uh the first guy is Amor (real name Bao), who has an absurd hair length (perfectly laying on the floor) and he wields a human sized axe and he was originally the lead scientist and the founder of the laboratory of the clan in the lore (this will make zero sense but ill explain it all later at some point i swear) in attempt to change his negative attitude towards meeting new people, and help them with the discoveries, the research and the inventions at the lab only to trust one wrong person (its kenix his uncle) and literally have everything he built be crumbled into small pieces and now he is so shaken from the incident about how people dont trust him at all now that he almost changes as a person from this 21 yr old guy who loves science and tries to be more open to people to a guy who will be a killing machine once he will be blinded by his hysterical moments of anger, hating his body so much, thinking it is no longer his but a "monster's" to the point of upon seeing his own reflection in the mirror, he breaks it with his bare hands (he still tries to keep a facade of a great leader to try and regain the trust from society of the afterlife but the rumors about how 'dangerous' he is have already done great damage). amor can be immature with his jokes and stuff but he can be a totally caring and loyal person when treated right but no one except few people know what a real person he is, just an enthusiastic curious scientist at heart who wants to lead others into the bright future with him and the bright smile on his face but the anger and the grudges, and the hidden emotions and feelings keep holding him back from being able to finally heal

second guy is apollo who is a more opposite to amor. he is a calm and kind person (so kind that his kindness gets taken advantage off by the people he thinks he can trust but theyre pretty much using him for their own gain, except for amor and the other clan members, not lab coworkers)

even tho hes different compared to amors more high energy personality, he is amors best friend since childhood (since they were 10!!) and are pretty much canonically married (both are 21 yrs old physically). apollo and amor both founded the lab together promising that they would help others. After Amor's incident which is just the entirety of "Inspiration"s Peak Insanity story chapter, Apollo was pretty much the only one actually working at the lab but then he also got fucked over by the narrative (got cursed and while cursed and not even being in charge of his own body, killed the souls of his already previously dead parents and little sister, listen this is complicated but theyre all these afterlife human(?) beings that if killed, are gone into absolute nothing) and he was already sad enough about them, this only made matters worse as he started to think that he deserves to be dead just like them and how "he should be punished eternally for this sin". he makes a new routine for himself to distract him from his despair only to start overworking himself until he does not know about the concept of "free time". he also has this feeling that he has neglected this whole time but it is his wish to be loved and valued for who he is and not the sweet facade he is putting on but deep down he knows that this facade is who he truly is, he is just so lost in himself that apollo is not able to recognize who he actually is

despite their problems amor and apollo both have their own perspective "you saved me and you helped me so much i wouldnt be the same without you" view on each other since childhood and everytime they are able make me sad

[butchpeabody]

Zetto and/or Kizuna for the character ask?

once again for this...i shall take more if anyone wants to send

under the a cut once again!

ZETTO:

favorite thing about them: when i was a kid the kirb/zetto twist did genuinely make me insane. in a good way. i think hes a really fascinating character in his like...Mentality Switches between personas yk. guy whos a jerk in a funny way vs guy who just actually sucks

least favorite thing about them: honestly i wish it was just made more clear during like episode zero or smth what his stance in sofdti as like....a living thang was? not that it would matter much in the grand scheme of his development but idk kizuna said some SHIT yk

favorite line: id probably say like...a lot of stuff from the nylocke battle in the gemini tournament. absolute lowest point of that guy its really interesting. (obligatory MY ARM AAAAAGHHHHH mention purely because holy shit he was screaming)

brotp: HIM AND GAMESOFT oh my godd them together. aughh. the only two guys who Know the guys who can talk abt shit and he can be sad. solace in understanding and so on

otp: i know its basic but like....alphazet mannn. everything abt the two of them was PAINFULLY gay and its honestly kind of funny kirb (the guy not the character) didnt notice. runner up is him and nylocke becahse i just think they are silly and funny

notp: i dont really have anyone with him that i actively LOATHE but i think its probbably him and kizuna. putting my personal gay zetto hc aside i think theyd both be wayy too codependent unless they got like. therapy. i know a lot of what ive been saying so far makes it sound like i hate kizuna but i dont i PROMISE

random headcanon: i feel like postseries hed find a way to set gs up with a virtual machine desktop of her own so her knowledge of the world can extend beyond what she knows in tome. they spend time bonding over computer science n junk :)

unpopular opinion: im honestly never good at this part but as an adult with better drawing skills now...i actually like drawing his hair

song i associate with them: zetto was never someone i had much of a playlist for back in the day so i had to scrounge a bit but i think i found something satisfactory

favorite picture of them:

KIZUNA:

favorite thing about them: REALLY underrated secondary antagonist, interesting moral code, she has insane girlie guilt over her actions that doesnt get explored enough.....and shes a kitty cat :)

least favorite thing about them: her arc in the original series was like...a little inconclusive? i wish she couldve come to terms with sofdtis sentience and whatnot. the trajectory of a2z is changing her in a way im really liking so far though! im excited to see where she goes

favorite line: that whole rant at the tail end of the series where shes just like. a bunch of people she cared about almost died and she was freaking the fuck out. it hurts....i love her she needs THERAPYY

brotp: she doesnt get to interact with too many characters during the series but in my perfect world i think shed be chill with demonking. dont question my madness i know im right

otp: re the previous answer she doesnt interact with a lot of characters, on this note Especially im hesitant to give a definitive answer but i think if her parallels with flamey were more explored...in my perfect world.........theyd work so spicily

notp: same as zetto but also tacking gs onto this. less out of kizunas ability to see her as a person currently and more that in the future if/when she does end up coming around i do feel like gs would still be hurt by it. theyd be buddies tho:)

random headcanon: with the rpg version of tigerlily i sometimes wish that series kizuna had like...a secret lil roleplay presence. not necessarily on tome itself but she has to cool of SOMEHOW right. she made an anime catgirl avatar i KNOW she has thoughts about that shit

unpopular opinion about them: kizuna is probably the most divisive character ive done for this so far...all i can really say is like...i joke about supporting womens wrongs and stuff but i think introspectively she does have a lot of potential as a character that we dont see a lot of because most of the scenes with her are from zettos perspective. AGAIN tho im reallly liking where a2z is taking her so far i hope i get more scraps

song i associate with them: much like zetto she wasnt someone i had playlists for back in the day however unlike zetto i have the PERFECT one for her. nonexistent meet-cute (idlyam) by vylet pony.... feeling it

favorite picture of them:

[antrunner]

RE: your tags about body type variation in comics:

100%, a lot of comic artists know how to draw mmmmaybe 4 body types and about 5 faces and anything outside that becomes borderline or actual caricature. Most can't even draw kids that look like kids, and drawing children comes up A LOT so that particular oversight doesn't even make sense.

A lot of the reason for it comes down to muscle memory and expedience--you draw faster if you're drawing the same thing you've drawn several thousand times before. (Personally? I try to make sure my characters all have unique faces at a minimum.) That's one of the reasons I was like 'godDAMNIT, GODSPEED!' when he killed off the other speedsters/made them not feel safe to have powers. We had a pretty diverse range of ages and body types going with the Central City Speed Crew there, and I was low key hoping we'd see them show up more.

YEAH EXACTLY! Which, all of that second paragraph leads me into an even bigger issue in comics that i've noticed: quantity over quality. It feels like with a lot of newer ones (rebirth ones......) a lot of things have been disregarded in favor of just. producing things. and it sucks because we lose a lot of good stuff like diversity, personality, pre-set character growth. on top of all of this i feel like it's... alarming. that most of the fat characters we see are villains. not heroes. but from what we DO see from heroes, their body types are quickly retconned to fit in with the norm of skinny muscled people.

two examples of this that really pisses me off is ted kord: who became just another skinny muscle guy (he should be CHUBBY IMO) and kyle rayner. at the start of his run kyle had a sort of soft body with a rounder face. of course he wasnt always drawn like this, but looking at him in rebirth its like looking at a completely different person altogether. (this is also why i personally hate the omega men comics too. that is NOT kyle.)

Here's him in GL: 3D (1998) and Ion: Guardian of the Universe (2006).

He has rounder features. Muscled but not INSANELY so. He has a soft body type and... while not FAT. I think its important to recognize changes like this. He's actually seen a lot in early comics trying to work out with people like Donna or the titans and genuinely struggling to keep up because he isn't in shape. which MAKES SENSE FOR HIM!!!!!!!

SERIOUSLY WHO IS THIS LOL. (dont come at me with "hes AGED" i do NOT care... theres a way to age up characters while still keeping their body types and features the same. come on his eyes are BROWN. not terrifying blue.)

im going a bit off topic here. but i agree that it can also be seen with speedsters. they should, at the very least, be lean rather than heavily muscled. too often people hear "superhero" and assume massive, defined muscles like wwe wrestlers. no...... no. i think that heroes' bodies should be reflective of their lifestyles and powers. speedsters run. lanterns fly. superman is naturally large and should look like an ACTUAL body builder. wonder woman should be huge and muscled too rather than rib-less and thin.

there just needs to be more fat heroes. im not a skinny person, and actually lean more towards the fat side of the bmi scale (which isnt real btw. its bullshit lies used to fuel the diet industry and the public school system xoxo) but i hate this weird idea in comics that every hero is SKINNY. because more often than not... origin stories are like "this is just some random dude who got powers". that shouldnt mean he was already fit as fuck with an 8 pack and shoulders the size of manhattan...

i think its a conversation that isnt had enough is all. and im happy to talk about this more. as someone who struggles with weight issues and always have, it's harmful to a lot of people to see this sort of thing go unnoticed. and i hope with the semi-recent surge of diversity recognition we can also get some recognition for different body types :)

[wellijustfinnihedoneofthebooks]

I don't post drawings of my ocs too much on here but fuck y'all I like/hate how this turned out >:P

[black-streak]

Saturday Night's Alright for Fighting (but Sundays are meant for rest) - The Bet

Part 2

Continuation of my timinette thing... I really need to give it an actual name.

Soooo. I wasn't planning on continuing this nor expecting the sheer amount of attention this recieved (dear goodness, I dont even know how to react, like actually thank you all so much?) But im going to try and actually continue this further if people are interested. Anyways!

~---~

It took less than 6 hours for Damian to realize something was off.

"What happened."

"I haven't the slightest what you're on about."

"Tt."

Despite knowing he would know eventually, Marinette enjoyed watching him get frustrated over not knowing. No matter, once he got the subject matter or at least a piece of the puzzle, she'd provide him the full picture. Best he finds out from her and not draw his own conclusions.

~---~ 

Less than two hours.

Less than two hours and Damian had already caught on to the subject of her change. Would've been easier to throw him off had Tim not decided to return to the Manor right then… dressed in business attire, obviously having come from a board meeting. He looked unfairly attractive in a wine red button down, sleek black tie and vest, detailed in intricate gray designs, almost too fine to see to an untrained eye. Truly wasted on the stiffs he probably met. Add in the surprisingly well rested look about him and tousled black hair falling about his face… well… let's just say Mari was distracted.

"What'd Tim do?"

"Hmm?" Marinette hummed to Damian, not really paying attention to what he said.

"You're staring. What'd he do?"

"Oh… Oh!" Mari snapped out of it, turning to him, flustered, "not here."

Narrowing his eyes, he grabbed her by the hand and pulled her from the room, not missing how Tim's eyes zeroed in on their clasped hands, a contemplative look about his face. Getting back to his own room, he closed the door shut tight and turned to his friend.

"Alright, explain."

"I want to date your brother."

"I'm being serious," he ground out.

"So am I."

"Why?" 

"Are you okay with it?" She asked, watching closely for any tells that might give him away. His left eye twitched, but that could just be from her avoiding the question.

"Why do you want to date him?" 

"What? You want me to gush about your older brother to you?"

"If it'll allow me to understand the situation, yes."

"Fine. He's sweet, highly intelligent, knows how to offer quiet companionship without pushing but can also get the whole story from very little, enjoys the same weird niche humor as me, but brings his own twist to it. Tim doesn't mind that I'm clingy and cuddly and likes how warm I am even when I'm cold and snuggling for warmth. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's insanely attractive and I feel bold and daring when I flirt with him. So there. I want to date him. Do you have a problem with it? Cause I'll back off if you do."

"... What happened last night?"

"We might have had to cut each other off from coffee and watched vine for 22 minutes straight." She admitted with a sheepish grin then paused a moment as though unsure if she should continue, "I also might have fallen asleep on his chest… With permission of course."

" Figures. Jon and Chloe are going to get a kick out of this. Whatever, date him. He's likely already smitten so I'm sure he'll be wrapped around your finger soon enough. Even if he wasn't, we could definitely dispose of the body between the four of us if things went south." 

"Dami! That's your brother! And he won't be wrapped around my finger. He'll be my equal."

"And you're my Angel."

20 seconds

She stared him down for 20 seconds before his lip twitched into a smirk.

"I'm playing. I wouldn't kill him. Just maim him a little. So, how do you plan on telling the rest of the family when you inevitably end up charming him?" 

"That reminds me! It may be harder than you'd think. Apparently they all think we're dating. Tim wouldn't even let me into too much contact with him until I cleared up that we weren't."

"Good."

"What?"

"I'd be more concerned if he was fine holding you while under the presumption you were taken."

Realization hit her, "Oh, that makes sense. Yeah, good point. But back to the point, if he thought we were dating, the rest certainly do." 

Damian nodded decisively, laying back on his bed to stare at the ceiling.

"That's not too surprising. They've hinted at it lightly and neither of us confirmed nor denied anything. Hmm… this could be entertaining."

Pursing her lips, Mari narrowed her eyes at him, "What type of bet are you thinking?"

Smirking up at her he replied, "How long it will take them to realize you and Tim are together."

"Hmm… rules?"

"Bet goes into effect the second he calls you his. In any form that hints at a romantic connection."

Nodding, she added, "Neither of us can give any overt indication that we are not dating nor that Tim and I are. We cannot tell them in any form unless directly asked, but if they ask, you must honestly answer. None of our usual needling and tricks either. If you bend the rules, it's an automatic disqualification."

Contemplating the words a moment, Damian nodded, "Loser covers the other's terrible excuses."

"We inform Tim of the bet within a week of it going into effect." 

"Fair enough. What's your bet?"

She thinks it over for a moment, not wanting to forget any variables before making her decision.

"It'll take everything except the actual words, 'we are dating' for them to get it. We won't have to outright state that I'm with Tim, but you will have to outright say you aren't with me at some point. It'll take over 2 months."

Considering her, he looked back to the ceiling, noticing a slightly discolored spot, "In agreement then. Except. You'll have to tell them you're dating. Not me or Tim. You. They won't believe it from anyone else. It'll take 3 months at least."

"Bet settled then."

Sitting up, Damian grabbed her hand and very firmly shook it, a serious air about them both. She broke first, falling back and giggling, giddy with excitement and relief. 

"So how long till he asks you out then? Can't be long the way he watched us leave."

"Oh I already sort of asked him."

[voidselfshipp]

The Bells Of New York

Cw:mentions of a woman being harrased,implied sexism (cause its 1700)

A/n: much singing cause you know,cannon Is a musical

~~~~~~~~~~~

The horn of the boat blew as it was tied to the docks the plank fell and the servants went down it with the language of two very important guests.

Jerico jumped down the ramp holding her umbrella in one hand her father,Raymond dragged his feet to his daughter, who was looking around the place.

Suddenly a sound distracted her,the chime of the church bells.

--Father,isnt this beautiful?

Mildly annoyed her father said--yes my dear

--Do you see the snow around Us?--She sang-- Do you feel the peoples Will to change?

Oh look at them living their lifes, every day hearing the bells of New York square coming to life?

Jericos dad took her hand and stops her,singing--I see the desire in your eyes my dear but we have one hundred Years for our Revelation, we cant draw any attention

A is Woman getting harassed on the street,jerico goes to save the day to be stopped by her father

--This is unnacceptable look at all of this!--she sang with anger--This place needs some change, te digo yo que si!

--We have to wait,theres not time yet

--This town needs change

And that ill bring my way.

For I am the revolutionare

In the streets of New York! Get ready world cause i am here

And with me i bring change

To The sound of the beautiful bells

Of New York!.

Raymond sighed taking her into the carriage.

The Manor they stayed at was big enough for jerico to run around the place.

Before she could however her dad gave her a dress, not her style.

--AND a corset too?this is bull--

--no no,no swearing

--what is this all about?

Her dad sighed taking her hands-- im sorry dear but we need to act as it is normal here, the world is not yet ready for where we come from..

Jeri stormed off into her room upstairs bregudgingly putting on her dress.

--whats the matter dear?--vica, her helper said, putting on the corset.

--I dont enjoy getting my lungs crushed....

Vica laughed and nodded--it is quite challenging but after all the wars youve been through, I think this is nothing compared to you and your armor

Illa came in with the traditional terran dress,she put it on smiling at the familiar feeling of the lightweighted green fabric, the exposed shoulders and the turtleneck.

Sadly for her she also had to put on the cumbersome Pink dress of the eighteen Century.

--This is so annoying!--jer slammed her hands against her desk, while vica did her hair--I get to Keep my hairbun...at least

And so she heard the trotting of horses, she peeked through the Window to find two men stepping out of the carriage,she gasped softly and ushered her helpers approach.

Vica and illa leaned in,--who are they?-- she asked.

Vica smiled fixing their suit--alexander Hamilton and marquiss lafayette, your dad is helping them with the revolution, they catched your eye?

Jerico shook her head with bright Pink cheeks,and a knock on the door informed her that it was time to go to the dinning room--anyway we should get going,come on guys

Vica and illa transformed into cats,vica a black cat and illa a white one.

As jeri Walked down the corridors she couldnt help herself but to sing--would you look all around us, this luxury they gave us, just because.

The red carpets that cover the floor, all this Marble pillars and Stones,the biggest of mansions its all white and enormous, but with it they come prices to pay.

Like this stupid Pink dress...!--she went down the stairs picking up her cats--but at least our guests are quite the catch, wonder what they Will bring for us...--she stops singing entering the dinning room.

--Mr Hamilton, monsieur lafayette, my beautiful daughter, jerico.

Raymond put an arm around her shoulders and Walked her to sit Next to him.

Hamiltons breath hitches when their gazes meet, she had the deepest of green eyes he had ever seen.

He trips and falls over his words, trying to explain their plans for the revolution,lafayette wasnt of any help as it seems the beauty of their acquaintances daughter was making him nervous.

Raymond wasnt pleased with the two men after his daughter,who seemed to be rather amused by the mens behaviour.

But thank god, after a minute of trying the plan came across rather well, and with dinner everything calmed down a bit.

There wasnt Many places where jerico could add her own point of view, as part of her fathers "fit in" plan she wasnt allowed to add in conversations she was allowed to back in her home.

So right after she finished eating she excused herself and went to the big garden where she took off the dress and hung it in a Bush.

--Finally free!--she sings-- finally me!, can you feel the breeze blowing in the trees?!--Her cats walk closely-- do you see the clouds passing by in the night Sky?no rules to follow no stupid plans to act by, its me, myself and I!...--she twirls and falls to the Grass-- every small being, working day and night, the animals sleeping and stalking around?.

Oh how I miss being free, no stupid rules to follow,no plans to act by, just me...myself...--she made a pause- And I...

She sighs putting her knees against her chest and her arms around her legs.

Vica purss against her side--I cant wait to go back home...I cant Belive dad would make us act as something we arent,I dont like those dresses,I hate being diminished for the gender I was asigned at birth..I hate those corsets and I hate to act pretty and shy so the men arent scared away!

Suddenly a Man offers her his hand,he looks up.

Hamilton smiled softly--Then why obey by something that makes you feel so bad?-- he said helping her up.

--youre not supposed to see me like this..--she said gripping the sleeves of her dress that gathered at her wrists.

--See you by how you truly are?

--yes...--she sighed looking away.

He takes a few steps closer--if I may--he takes her hand and she meets his eyes-- I think youre very beautiful just the way you are, you shouldnt abide for something that tells you you shouldnt be you..

--The whole situation is serious,and we cant risk it..

--but that doesnt mean you should Hamilton licked his lips and offered his arm--let me take you for a walk

She took his arm--if you think you can change my mind,youre wrong mr.hamilton

He chuckled softly--can I try?

--youre welcome to

And so they Walked through the garden, the quiet chatter being interrupted by soft laughter and terrible puns.

When it was time for him to leave he escorted her back to her room,and smiled.

--Will you come to tomorrows meeting?--Hamilton asked.

-- I dont think my father Will let me

--Then lets make a plan, ill leave the meeting early and ill meet you at the gates of the mannor,ill take you to town and ill give you a tour

--youre insane--she said with a small smile--i like that

She pressed a soft kiss against his cheek--good night, Alexander --and so she closed the door changing into her night gown, and falling on the bed.

During the ride home Hamilton couldnt stop thinking of her.

And she wasnt able to fall asleep thanks to the thoughts of him that plagued her mind.

Somehow someway they knew they were meant to be.

[coolingdownanddrawing]

IM BEING EATEN ALIVE BY DRAGON QUEST 9 

I picked it back up because the idea of randomizing my party entirely  to draw withand then playing through the game hit and one thing lead to another and im 2 of 7 of the devil fruit and have traveled the entire world trying to get all the locations i can zoom listed

I am definitely going to sketch more of my party and celestian in the future

here is some ideas about my party for anyone interested

palesa

Palesa’s hair is permanently blue do to a alchemy accident in college, palesa claims she had it from birth and its proof of her strong magic

Palesa went to school as a child/teen in the swinedimples academy and loves the idea of one day teaching magic at the school so she intends to learn as much magic as possible to help her future students thrive , my plan is for her to go into all the magic slinging classes (if i dont go nuts at max level everyone in every class pray i keep my sanity and dont) 

Palesa talks like she’s practicing talking to children and knows their smart, not tending to listen to brandys requests/leadership becouse she knows whats she’s doing better then a minstrel, after coffinwell and learning about her celestrian origin palesa is more open to listening, though she’ll put her foot down to stupid ideas and requests (NO IM USING THE BANG SPELL TO FISH USE A FISHINGROD LIKE A NORMAL PERSON)

Terrance

Terrance was sick for most of his child and teen years and when the earthquake hit it gave him the motivation to move out of coffinwell  and see the world before life decided to end him, he left just before the contagion got there and was horrified to learn about it when he got back, he’s taken up martial arts to push his body back into shape and make sure he can defend himself with or without a weapon, he’s very tense and awkward with new things that makes him come off as short even if he’s never outright rude- by coffinwell standards anyway

Terrance always feels like he has to prove he’s not a drag on the group, and will disappear into the moods when camping and come back with insane amounts of fire wood and would go beyond reason in combat, not really having the experience to keep a ear open for his parties warnings or leadership attempts, once the whole fiasco with his hometown he starts getting better

Bala

Bala was  once a dancer in gleeba before deciding upon the last rulers death to move away and see the world outside her desert island, she likes trying out the fashions and food of everywhere she goes, she use to climb the trees in the palace gardens and make silly faces at the guards with her friends she’s never been inside the palace before even though its open to visitors, she’s always been to busy and intimated by all the guards

Bala has a lot of experience following a cue and working with new people and improvisation and bonds pretty quick with brandy over their shared class at the time, so she’s honestly the best out of the team in combat at first

Brandy

 brandy is our resident fallen celestian who funnily enough has enthralled metal slimes unintentionally many times, perhaps its the shine of her sword, either way she has made one her companion, it’s name is Birdy

she is not handling the loss of her wings and halo very well, she never fully gets use to the change in balance and the fact she cant just fly over gaps or soften her falls, nor see the sky from the air without the screaming of a train engine, sometimes she feels creeped out when people notice her wandering around and jumps when people yell at her for messing with things that she doesnt own or just standing and staring at people silently as they do things 

[someone-always-cares]

[image description: a q&a for the webcomic someone always cares. full desc under the cut because its long and wordy sorry]

post chapter 3 Q&A

first - previous - next

thanks for yalls questions!! it was fun to answer! if anyone still has questions feel free to ask whenever i am always 100% down to ramble. even if i did go slightly off topic in some answers

additional: went off topic with the hair question a bit. their bright hair is all part of the transformations. regular hair dye does exist though. best way to tell is that if the eyebrow matches the hair its probably not dyed. also, quartz’s hair is naturally ginger.

also for more on ages, check out the character bios here

also was gonna keep this in the tags but thought i might as well actually try to answer it: the question i found it hardest to answer was someone the song one. my taste in music is. a mess really. ive been listening to like the same 5 songs on repeat all day. more under the cut because i was rambling again and now its uhhh half 1am

if it helps at the time of answering that specific question i had home by cavetown on repeat, and that song reminds me of both rami and lewis. but that may be because i project onto those two a lot, and as a aro trans dude. who sucks with people skills, yeah of course i love that song.

specifically the vibes of like not knowing how to communicate (rami is fine with his friends but other people are different), the lines “ Turn off your porcelain face, I can't really think right now and this place, Has too many colors, enough to drive all of us insane” idk what the porcelain face line is supposed to mean but im picturing it as like. a mask. that you need to take off and stop hiding and rami does tend to hide when hes feeling upset, and the next two lines kinda could tie into that, like the feeling of when youre overwhelemed and just want the world to stop so you just hide somewhere. also the colours could go with chapter 3 with the chromatic abberation.

also the bit with “ my eyes went dark, I don't know where, my pupils are, But I'll figure out a way to get us out of here” just kinda sums up ramis whole hero thing with his powers and all. anyway this has turned into less what songs rami would like and why this particular song reminds me of him and lewis (lewis specifically has the hair cutting/chest hiding, [big transmasc mood], and also messy haired trainwreck who doesnt know who he is yet. also the ghosts bit)

i did end up picking upbeat songs because ramis a dude who like to try and be upbeat even if things arent. even if hes not really feeling it he will pretend to.

[full description: Anonymous said to someone-always-cares: “hi ily!!! do characters like quartz who have colored hair have that naturally or did they dye it?”

“its both natural and not! while most supers can do a magical girl ish transformation, including a change in hair colour, there are some exceptions.”

theres two small full body drawings of rami, one in civilian clothes, one fully transformed.

“if a superhero were to have a biological child, the child will inherit the powers of the parent(s). however, the child will not inherit the full transfromation. they do inherit any physical transformations, but not the outfit.”

theres a drawing of a woman in blue, quartz’s mother, fully transformed, holding her mask in her hand, smiling down at a much younger quartz as a child. hes smiling back up at her with the same blue eyes, pointy ears, and blue hair, but hes still in normal clothes.

“in the case of quartz, both of hisparents had superpowers, and he inherited those powers and the physical transformations.he can also pick and mix whatphysical traits to change.“

next is a headshot of adult quartz, his face split down the middle with one side having hair and eye like his mother, the other like his father. theres a list of traits from each parents, blue hair and eyes and pointy ears from his mum, and purple hair and eyes and pointy teeth from their dad.

 “Anonymous said to someone-always-cares:  Are all the characters the same age? If not, how old are they? Are they irl friends or just superhero friends?”

theres some headshots of rami and his team lined up with ages labelled: cam is 15, rami himself is 17, lin, mateo, and dante, are all 18, and cap is 20.

“rami and xandra were somewhat friends before she got superpowers, so when, after the incident with her old team, she found rami had developed powers, xandra stuck close to him. their other teamates started off as superhero friends but soon turned into irl friends too”

theres a headshot of lewis and jade. theyre both 17

“when lewis first decided to start being a vigilante,jade quickly found him and decided to help train himand offered to be a mentor of sorts, as they both have similar powers. that quickly derailed.”

“ cinder5555 said to someone-always-cares: How long does it usually take to make a comic page? I'm curious because they're so freaking good that they must take FOREVER”

theres a drawing of myself, a fluffy hair tired bastard in a hoodie, smiling

“Thanks! Ive been doing this shit since like 2017 and i still have no idea how long it takes me. i can get a page done in a day if i have nothing else to do or if its a simple page, but if i have work then maybe 2-3 days? i spend like, most of my free time doing this.“

another drawing of me, now looking frustrated muttering “how the FUCK does time work”

“but i can never do it all on one sitting.i will inevitably get distracted and zone out daydreaming mid drawing so its very hard to get an accurate read on how long it takes. so however long a piece of string is i guess“

the only qustion not from tumblr is a discord message from RuneStone Cabin:

“Q: Can you talk about the incidence of superpowers in this world? Like many people are supers, which powers are more or less common, how long they've been a thing for, stuff like that. Also does Omen know I'd die for them “

theres a drawing of omen pointing at a date circled on a calender marked “decembuary”, theyre saying “i know. i already wrote your death in my calender.”

then a giant wall of text reading: “Supers have only existed for a relativly short time, since the early 1940s. momento mori was the second person to have ever gained powers.

Only a small number of the population are supers! the chances are higher in more populated cities, but unusally london has oneof the higher percentages of supers. while nobody in universe has any idea of the origins of superpowers, it does seem that powers are more likely to occur in people who would actually use their powers.

as for what powers are most common, after making a badly catagorized spreadsheet of every superpowered character ive made for this world (70% of which will probably never even be seen), turns out that elemental powers are the most common. although not all elemental powers manifest as the straight up 'controling this element' as seen in characters like lin or tsunami. for example, iris's powers would fall under shadow elemntal powers, but theyre a lot more weird that just controlling shadows.there are some abilities that have never been seen before,such as ressurection or full on time travel (aka anything that could bring a character back to life), but powers are certainly allowed to toe the line eg healing, powers involving undeath, immortality, pausing or manipulating time.

aside from that, anything goes. you could get plain old superstrength, but you could also get the ability to create dogs with your mind. other not quite rules, more guidelines are that supers are immune to their own powers hurting them (unless they were pushing themselves too hard), although the way the imminuties occur may be inconvinient to the super.

while some powers may be 'more powerful' than others, powers dont really get to be way underpowered or overpowered in comparision to others. sure being able to talk to animals may feel a bit useless compared to someone who can lift 4 tanks at once, but nobodys going to end up with a power like 'can turn into a goose but only once' or 'can grow toenails twice as fast' or 'if i sneeze i can change my hair colour'. at the same time, youre not going to get someone with the power to snap their fingers and level a city, or instantly blow up the moon or whatever.

“Anonymous said to someone-always-cares: I love rami PLEASE tell me his favorite song(s) and why. I will die for you”

a drawing of rami saying out loud “i dont really have any specific favourite song, really? i just listen to whatever sounds catchy and then listen to that on repeat for hours until i hate it. i guess i do like upbeat songs? ones that make you feel happy even if the lyrics are sad”

“ un1c0rnhh said to someone-always-cares: tell me,,, please,, cam,,, are they a cat person or a dog person?? ily"

theres a drawing of cam a metre away from a cat lying down. she has her arm out and is making ‘psspsspss’ noises at it. end id]

FUCK i am so glad i didnt hand write all of that, it would have been a major pain in the ass to write it all and then have to transcribe all that next. but nope i could directly copy paste the asks and word answers. cheers if anyone made it this far down. if anyone wonders why this is uploaded late, you know now.

[clownbeep]

This is gonna be kinda brutal. But I want to put it into writing

Big vent/whats been going on

Hah... I guess this is like my life story or some shit...

Trigger warning ahead.. Depression and a bit of gore/suicide talk so if you are sensitive to that please, for your own sake and mental state you might not want to continue.

For those who dont want to hear a pretty dark vent, I understand.

And those who are just scrolling by feel free to scroll past. I just personally want to get this out.

If you have dealt with emotional neglect/abuse and need to know it isnt in your head this might be the post.

By writing this it feels like hopefully someone else will read this and realise certain things are NOT healthy.

If you are questioning if you are being emotionally neglected/abused (im speaking in a parental sense but even romantically or sexually) im not someone to give you answers, but the fact you are questioning it raises some red flags. In a healthy relationship you dont wonder those things.

Sorry for the long prelude but heres what I wanted to say

.

.

.

.

.

.

Ever since I was young, ive had bad ADHD, manic bipolar/depression, and sensory issues.

I was diagnosed around 13 I believe. My family (I didnt realise it then) always showed pity. Like I was some wild animal that couldnt be tamed and there was nothing they could do. Id do and say stupid attention seeking things just to try and get a shred of empathy.

My family didnt care.

When I was in the hospital for a suicide attempt regaurding pills and my liver had a chance of failing.. None of my family members cried over me. But a family friend. Someone not. Even. Related. Wept over me.

My family didnt care.

I cant say they never cared. They give me food water and luxuries like internet and a phone. For that I am grateful.

But in many other ways they have hurt me faar more than helped.

Once I got out of a short term stay in an inpatient mental facility I desperately needed contact with anyone who would care for me.

I have a younger sister, quite young probably around 7 at the time. She was a close friend of mine for that time. Id hang out with her so often to fill the gap in love it felt my family didnt give. One day I walked into the dining room and overheard my mother and father talking to my little sister. They told her to keep away because I wasnt "stable" because I was "dangerous" and could give her bad Ideas. And with one single action my only friend at the time and way to find happiness was taken away.

My family did not care.

When I stay in bed every day for months on end not knowing which day ill snap and end it all.... I get called lazy.

My family did not care

When I beg for medication to make me a functional human being they brush me off for years on end. Im losing my grip. I can barely remember things that have happened last week because I try so hard to forget everything its my automatic response to everything.

When I cant get to sleep because all of the memories come flooding back and im hit by wave after wave of horrific memories and the feeling if worthlessness... When I cant watch any videos or read posts about families because it brings on unwanted memories and emotions....

Is it me being dramatic then?

When you hear your family openly mocking and laughing about how stupid and dramatic and fake trans people are... How weird and unnatural and mentally insane these people are not knowing they are the very reason grsm and trans suicides are so high...

Am I a liar now? Am I insane?

When I tried to talk to them about my mental health issues. They took my only way of contact and made me feel like it was my own fault.

My family didnt care.

When I was nearly passed out shaking in a bathtub covered in wounds and blood all over... They showed pity, then lectured me for an hour for not telling them or for being impulsive and basically cleaned my wounds and sent me into my room.

My family didnt care.

Yes. I do agree, they cleaned my wounds, the physical side of showing care. However emotionally they were not there.

When my father drinks so heavilly every day he is home from work that he forgets half the things he tells you and can barely function.. They lecture my older sister for having a glass of wine (legal age)

They did not care.

My sister (23) tried for so many years to cling to what little attention she would get by getting good grades and going to college... She realised that it changed nothing about how my family felt toward her.... She snapped.

My family did not care.

She starves herself for a disease she does not have, she uses religion as an exuse to be one of the biggest christian extremists I personally know. Half the days she doesnt eat... Other days she burns book and gets rid of items for being demonic.

My lovely sister used to be kind and quite normal. However she couldnt find comfort in what little live her family gave. Starved for care she turned to religion to un unhealthy degree. Finding any way to keep her mind busy. Now I worry she will end up in the hospital for weighing so little.

My family did not care.

My oldest sister (27) Is married to a continuously cheating husband who she keeps letting back into her life. She was raised with a failing marrige and doesnt seem to see when she should call it quits.

Not to mention her husband has touched someone legally under the age of concent. Did she report him to the authorities? No.

All of these horrific things stemming from bad parenting. Unhealthy relationships and neglect.

Neglect emotionally can cause just as bad things as physical neglect. They are both horrifically dangerous in different ways.

These are the only big things I can remember... Basically age 15 and below are a complete blur to me and I cant remember much of it without thinking for a looong time. Even then I cant remember a lot of it... I feel like ive lost my whole damn childhood. And it hurts more than if they had just hit me or physically harmed me.

Im not underplaying physically harm. But in my personaly opinion I would rather my family have beaten me badly because at least then id have an easier way to prove to people how severe the abuse was. You can see bruises and confirm broken bones... But years of feeling completely useless and being shut off from most of the world other than the internet... It fucks you up in a way I dont think can be healed.

I dont know if I can ever love myself or... Remember things. Its terrifying to think Ill post this and a few weeks later probably not even rememner unless its brought up. Or meeting people and having conversations... And they are just... Gone.

Gone.

I suppose the biggest reason im writing this is well... In the future I dont want to forget in some ways.. I want like to be 100× as awesome knowing itll start as soon as im out of here..

If I dont have anything to compare it too then what is the point?

Ive layed out basically most of what I remember

A large amount of time I look around and nothing registers... Everything is familiar but I cant remember anything for a moment or two.. I feel like my memory is slipping so fast and im terrified.. I cant do anything to stop it and I cant make my mood be stable without the medication my family cant be bothered to get ...

I suppose this is a bit of a vent. I know its kind of everywhere and unorganized..

If im honest.. Tumblr is the only place where people have given me a home I wish I had..

I came out as trans here... Everyone was so damn supportive.. I didnt say anything but I cried hard and the kindness.. It was amazing.. It was such a jarring difference to how I feel when I say anything in real life.

Ive met friends here and ive had some much fun here. If youve stuck around this far thank you so much.. If you didnt I dont blame you.

I just wanted to share what has been flashing in my head these past few days.. It hurts a lot and ive even considered suicide recently..

Im trying hard. As hard as I can.. I have no escape though.

I cannot leave home. I cannot escape. Im not being dramatic.

I

CANT

LEAVE

And its terrifying because I know without medication or at least being somewhere AWAY from family.... I feel like im going to break soon.

I dont want to do anything stupid.. But some days I cant think straight and do things that harm myself and its not good. Its not okay. Im aware that I need help but I have no idea where to go/turn.. I have no ID or drivers liscence.. I have no transportation to and from a job to get money so I can leave... I live in the middle of nowhere.... I just..

I dont want to lose touch. I dont want to do anything bad.. I want to be functional.. I want to do more than eat and sleep my life away because I have nothing else to do..

Im so damn sick and tired of this all.. And at times I really do feel like there is only one way out.

Its always there and I just feel like one of these days im gonna be pushed over the edge and not be thinking clearly enough to stop it.

Im thinking semi clearly right now which is my im posting this.. Because im afraid and alone.

I have nowhere to go irl I have no friends Irl i just have tumblr and media and thats it. I dont expect anyone to be able to help I just wanted to write this so anyone knows what happens if I leave media..

If I tell my family my issues they will blow me off again for the 11th time or so (not exaggerated)

And if I do something to get sent to the hospital and get the help I need the cycle will continue with them being pissed and me getting sent home in a month or less anly for my family relationships to get worse..

Im spiraling fuether and further and I cant keep up the facade of being fine. I need help. And i have no way to get it. Ive just been suffering for years...

Sitting around and doing nothing but using your phone or drawing or whatever sound fun in theory... But if thats all youve been able to do for years with little to no real life social contact its gonna mess with your head... I dont want to be a shut in... I just

I dont know what to do.

Im sorry for rambling. I will most likely delete this later feeling embarrassed I posted this...

Im just tired..