#people probably have made more BUT still i think im really pushing myself! both in a good and bad way HAH

[wallterwall]

day 32

if you like my (cybrthrillz) content, please read this

tw for self harm and suicidal ideation

i want to take a break

this is not a victory or a win for anyone. if anything all of the harassment and relentless targeted hate has only made me even more motivated to make this little space ive created a more accepting place, and i will continue to be a voice of support for "weird and contradictory" queer identities because we all deserve to be happy and accepted

but, for a long time ive been putting myself in harms way, generally neglecting my own needs for the sake of other people, because i dont care about what happens to me as long as other people are happy and safe, and right now i dont think i can keep pushing myself like that anymore. im tired

i havent had a s/h problem since middle school but now those urges are resurfacing again when i thought id never have to deal with that again

i havent been able to relax or enjoy any of my time without having dreadful thoughts in the back of my mind

ill probably be changing things going forward too, or maybe things wont be changing at all. i dont know. i just know that i want to try and relax and watch those movies ive been meaning to watch and play more video games without feeling guilty that im not using my time for drawing.

the controversies have wounded me a lot but unfortunately regretevator is still my main hyperfixation so ill have trouble getting myself to draw anything else and i dont think i want to really avoid it. so ill still be drawing, but ill be drawing for myself without really worrying about posting schedules. ill still be active on discord, tumblr, instagram

im not going to kill myself today, nor am i going to in the future. because whether some people want to believe it or not, i know and my friends know that i always try my best to be a considerate and kind, overall good person. i know that i genuinely have positively impacted many people in life. i hope that ill be able to go back to regularly posting soon with a clearer state of mind because your support has genuinely improved my life both emotionally and financially, and i couldnt be more grateful.

but right now, its okay to be a little selfish for my sake. and i hope that you all can understand and be patient with me. thanks for stickin around

[t4transsexual]

have you ever dated cis women? when did you decide to be t4t?

i have dated a couple of cis women, one for a little while and we didnt get on because she was one of those fems who doesnt want their butch/masc/transmasc partner to have feelings and needs and also didnt want me to say no to sex and we didnt last long because i was deeply unhappy with her

as for when i decided to be t4t, i guess its probably about time i open up about the specific instance(s) that lead to me deciding to be exclusively t4t, because i havent actually talked about what pushed me to make the shift into exclusively dating trans people. i was trying to run a more positive page and frankly i wasnt really ready to talk about this so publicly, especially with the terf/transphobe interaction i get almost all the time on this account, but i figure i can now and ill probably turn off replies if i can figure out how

tw for graphic description of sexual assault and transphobia under the cut

when i started medically transitioning, i decided to try dating guys again. keep in mind i had a lot of comphet before deciding i was t4t; i basically only really beat that around 2022 when i turned 20. and i matched with a cis guy on tinder, who looked like he had a lot of personality judging by his photos i was 18, almost 19 at the time

literally the first thing this man says to me, after i tell him im trans, is "oh, cool, i love femboys." red flag #1. i said, "im not a femboy, i present masculinely, dont call me that." he apologized, and we moved on

at some point, we're talking about sex. he says hes very subby and a size queen. all fine, i told him i was a stone top/dom, i didnt really like experiencing penetration and it was painful for me due to a condition i had at the time. he says thats fine, everythings good. this will be important later

later, he tells me he told his parents i was trans. i asked him why, given that he both didnt ask me first and said his parents were transphobic. he says "my mom asked, was i just supposed to lie?" i say, yes. he apologizes, i /really/ want to call the whole thing off at this point but he seemed nice enough that maybe he just didnt know trans dating as well as i did

the entire relationship, he just says transphobic shit. he told me that he "understood why people didnt want to date trans people, because its a lot of baggage." he was an active alcoholic by the way. and also dating a trans person. he would neg me for being trans and then turn around and say that i was such a hot guy. he even misgendered me one time, and got upset at me for getting pissed about it, and made me believe i was overreacting. he made me believe that he was doing me a favor by ever dating me

at some point, we're at my parents house, and he tells me he wants to fuck me with his penis. i tell him no, that i dont want to, that i dont know about it, that im scared, pretty much anything i can say to get him to reconsider, but he argued and said itd be good for me and that i can choose which hole but it became very clear to me that i had no choice. so i said he could fuck my pussy

it was excruciating. it hurt so bad, but i knew i couldnt say no. he couldnt stay hard unless he was degrading me and i didnt want him to, so he kept making me jerk him off so he could keep raping me

eventually he stopped, and i wasnt even really aware i had been raped at first. ive been sexually abused by several people in my life and generally it has taken me a while to accept when ive been sexually abused by a person. so we kept dating like normal, long distance btw, but my mental health was deteriorating. i was suicidal for the first time in a while. i was self harming again. i couldnt stop thinking about killing myself.

eventually, he breaks up with me for being suicidal. he says im guilt tripping him or something, i dont remember. and that was december of 2021

we go no contact. i still dont realize he raped me. but i knew that there was something deeply wrong in the way our relationship was

right after him, i dated a trans woman who we went to the same high school. just the difference in how i was treated by her than by him, with her she treated me like i was an actual equal in the relationship. with him, he felt he was superior to me; like he "owned" me, or something

we broke up, we werent really compatible, but when i got with her, she taught me what being t4t was, and the implicit understanding and the comfort and safety i felt. after we broke up was when i decided i didnt like men, and still remained t4t after

i realized what he did to me was rape nearly a year later. he correctively raped me for being a stone top, more specifically, and i dont think he wouldve been "empowered" to rape me if i was a cis man, or even a cis woman. i understand that the "off" feeling i felt throughout that relationship was because he, as a cis person, felt superior over me as a trans person, and felt that if he wanted to fuck me, i shouldnt get a say. he talked about doing other actions to me that i didnt want done at the time, certainly not by him, and if we werent long distance, he probably wouldve raped me several more times

being with my current girlfriend, we click in a way that i havent felt with any cis person, the women included. she definitely isnt going to rape me for being trans. ive undergone physical therapy so that if i ever got raped again, it wouldnt hurt as bad, and it worked and ive actually enjoyed bottoming (consensually) with my girlfriend. she makes me feel very safe, and we understand each other and each others needs as trans people very well, and being with her has helped me process the time i was raped, and the several other times ive been sexually abused by other people

now that ive had time to process these things, i would say that i dont feel the same way around trans people (including me) dating cis people anymore. when i first started this account, i wouldve never admitted this then btw, i fully did not think trans people should date cis people, because i had fostered such a deep distrust of cis people as a result of that whole relationship and assault. i believed cis people would always be bad partners to trans people, but i dont believe that anymore. in the very unlikely circumstance i find myself single again, i may even consider dating a cis woman again. but probably not, because ive grown to really like the implicit understanding that we as trans people get with other trans people

thats why im t4t, and when i became t4t was around the beginning of 2022

[tojikai]

Okay I finally finished all of your stories!

Permanent mark is officially my favorite:,)

Thoughts;

See at one point, i was like let y/n heal and have them get together afterwards but then i was like “damn he fucked rie for two months 💔😔😟” and idk but something about her’s and suguru’s relationship is so tragic to me, i so badly wanted them together somehowReader should’ve gotten with suguru! I wanted their endgame so badly 😭💕 Everyone feels bad for satoru but nope i mostly feel bad for y/n and suguru, I wish they would’ve gotten together first, I don’t hate y/n either her, I saw some people hating on her and while i disagree on her sleeping with satoru while he has a gf, i can’t find myself to dislike her, and she actually might be my favorite “y/n” of yours.

both sundered and permanent mark satoru’s are so confusing and make me sigh deeply

Questions I have regarding the story surprisingly 😅:

- What was satoru whole thought process during the breakup and cheating

- Did he still love y/n at that point

- What was his reasoning

- Did he think abt y/n while rie/regret or like want her?

- Why did he put her over y/n??

- Basically what’s up with the whole situation

- Did he ever love y/n over her? Why would he break up with y/n over her?

- Did he love or want her more? Regarding rie

- Did y/n not make him happy anymore, what happened?

- Was there problems in their rs?

Note:

Thank you in advance if you answer, i probably already said this but your stories were a delight to read<33

I can’t wait to read the future stories you might have in store for us if you do:3

its nice that some people try to understand pm!yn and her actions. I also think it's understandable that many are frustrated about what she did. most of the characters in pm are driven by strong emotions that they made bad decisions, i could say its the theme of the whole story. they can be very confusing since not everything's mentioned explicitly, which i deliberately did bc i like that readers have to absorb something in order of them to really understand it. im happy you enjoyed pm !! 1. tbh satoru's mind was a mess the whole time, he hated himself for cheating on yn. at one point he felt like the breakup was meant to happen so he could finally be w rie but w rie he felt like something's wrong, almost as if he's still considering yn in everything he does in his new rs. he reached a point where he doesn't know if it's really what he wants or if he's just doing it bc it's already there. hearing abt suguru and yn shook him into clarity lmao

2. he still loves yn even when he was w rie.

3. like reason for going w rie? he thought thats what he wanted. he felt like it would complete something he never got to finish, but being away from yn took a bigger part of him than he thought it would.

4. he's always thinking abt yn even when he was w rie. he thought its just bc he felt guilty for cheating. but it was more than that. while he felt right being w rie, it's just different w yn. nothing feels wrong w yn whilst w rie, there's always a feeling that he's not really into it.

5. bc he thought that it was the right thing to do since he became rie's bf. satory appreciated her a lot when she stood w him even when everyone's judging them. he felt like she risked everything just to be w him and so he wanted to put out something equal.

6. lmao idk how to answer this but yeah ik, it's messy.

7. nobody asked satoru directly but if someone did, he'd be admitting to himself that he loves yn more than rie even when he and the latter were in a rs. he broke up w yn bc 1.) he already cheated, 2.) he thought he wanted to be w rie. 3.) bc he didn't think things through.

8. he loved rie. just not the way he loves yn and not as much.

9. he's the happiest w yn. he didn't realize it immediately when he left bc his and rie's rs was still young and it was still honeymoon phase and cloud9. after that, he had questions and lingering thoughts and feelings that he chose to push aside until he snapped (hearing abt sugu and yn)

10. no, there are no problems in their rs. that's why yn crashed out.

that's all !! thank you so much for the kind words and support ~!! <33

[cowboyjen68]

Hi Jen, I have a question about types and butch/femme stuff. I’m a butch (or at the very least androgynous) and I’ve only ever been attracted to other butch/gnc/androgynous women. It’s what helped me realize I was a lesbian, because I was never attracted to femmes I thought I could never be gay. I’ve never seen feminine women as attractive and I don’t see why I ever would.

But I feel like I’m the only butch in the world who is exclusively into other butches. Every other butch I see/know is always with a femme, even the ones that say they are attracted to both. I already felt so isolated before coming out and now im stuck with that same feeling in a new environment.

Do you have any advice for anything like this? Or advice for feeling alone in our community?

(p.s. I don’t hate femmes, people seem to get this idea when I tell them they are not my type)

FIrst let me say to your PS. In no circumstances does not being attracted to someone or some type equate to hate. We like what we like and no one else gets a say in that. We don't need to exprience sexual or other physical or emotional attraction to someone in order to prove that we don't hate them. People that think that should probably be avoided because they are placing way too much pressure on others to push personal boundaries and that is unfair and even dangerous.

I know plenty of butches who are butch4butch and several are close friends. At least one or two have mentioned thinking the same kind of things you have dealt with, about butches only like femmes. My experience and my opinion is that butches and femmes exist seperately from each other. Ones does not rely on the other to exist. They are independant identities.

The majority of my lesbian friends are neither butch nor femme and date whomever they find attractive. I believe same goes for butches and femmes. We date and form relationships with those we find most physically and emotionally attractive to us. Plenty of butches don't dates femmes or even other butches.

When I broke up with my femme first girlfriend I convinced myself that I should like other butches because we could relate to each other more and I ended up with a butch for 17 years. THIS was a mistake. We were friends (sometimes) but really held no real passion for each other.

It is like we got so deep in trying to make our marriage last so as not to be a failure that we ignored the fact that neither of us held any attraction for the other. Once we addressed the face that we both almost exclusively attracted to femmes, or at least women more feminine than us we split up. She went on to meet and fall very much i happy love with a femme. I too went on to embrace my attraction to more feminine women.

My point is, do not fight your natural attraction. Don't let other people or any community tell you who or what you are supposed to be attracted to. Be honest with yourself and what ignites your passion. Who gives you the warm fuzzies and make you feel giddy.

If you have any chance to attend a women's festival or event I would suggest it. When I was young and struggling, still unsure what butch was or meant, and in fact having a lot of false ideas about it, seeing a lot of women of all body types and styles really helped me to see that I did fit. I met my first set of butches at one and was like "whoa.. I see me" and they showed me I could be just me.

It took me years to understand that also meant I could date whomever made me happy and not just the next woman who was nice. Or that I had to avoid my true attraction because that was acting "too much like a man" or being predatory to like feminine women. Listen to your own heart and find friends who will honor that.

[stuckinapril]

this is a bit of a weird or maybe personal question but. okay so my baba (ik baba means dad, hes my grandpa but irl i call him "baba [name]" so) is from iraq. he wanted to raise his kids (my mom + aunts) as american as possible. because of that me and my mom have always been seperated from our culture. do you know how i can start reconnecting with that? if there are any authors or movies or anything to help me connect?

hii not weird!! glad to see you trying to reconnect. tbh my story is similar to yours. my mom did live in iraq for a good portion of her life before immigrating here, but she never put effort into teaching us the culture (which i don’t blame her for!! she was a busy single mother of two, so i get it). my bibi also didn’t really try to teach us much, aside from cooking iraqi cuisine haha (i will always die by that iraqi cuisine is the best cuisine). i’m basically hopeless when it comes to iraqi media. i literally only know about kadim al-sahir (famous iraqi singer, would absolutely recommend him) bc my mom probably continues to have a crush on him to this day.

what got me to reconnect was visiting baghdad last summer by myself. i just made the spontaneous decision and went w it, rather than get pushed by anyone to do it. i still have relatives in iraq, so that’s why it was feasible for me to actually go (i kind of hopped between jordan and iraq bc i have family in both countries). it was a magical experience honestly, still super surreal to me. people speaking arabic on the streets, arabic music playing in restaurants, even got to see so many iconic landmarks… actual dream come true. but i haven’t put much effort into exposing myself to iraqi media yet, so that’s the next step. i think im just gonna start w a history fiction novel or nonfiction history book of some sort tbh. i’m more interested in iraqi culture beyond islam than i am in the religion, so im probably not a good reference if you wanna know more about the religion too.

w all that said!! i’ll ask my mom/bibi and let you know if they have any movie recs :) my bibi is a literal cinephile, so i’m sure she’ll have many actors/singers up her sleeve lmao. so cool of you to be putting effort into this 💕

[devouringcalamity]

Exactly! I don't even think before doing shit. I used to be way worse about it. Well actually, okay when I was super super insecure and self loathing and constantly sabotaged my own relationships to make people hate me, I never actually did anything to harm those people and it was all stuff that harmed me. But when I worked through my depression and self hatred with my therapist and got more self confident, and stopped thinking I'd end up a horrible person, I ended up finding out that I have horrible issues with impulsivity and hypersexuality, and I ended up like begging for sex and shit from my ex because I felt like so so insecure inside and instead of letting it get to a self hating and depressed place where I wouldve pushed him away, I started to feel like the only way I could be worthwhile was to like have sex with him, and yeah the dopamine from it was intoxicating and it improved my mood so much to have sex with him BUT he couldnt vocalize what he actually wanted and so he agreed to a bunch of stuff that ended up hurting him and like it was bad for us both, especially him though. But now that I've like done so much awful shit, I cant convince myself Im not a bad person, I cant forgive myself when I know Ive made his life so much fucking worse without thinking. I did so much shit I thought Id never do and that anyone who did is like irredeemably bad and now Ive done it, and like all that work on not hating myself is gone because I became a bad person, and me knowing I hadnt done anything really harmful was the only reason I was able to get over hating myself before. But, consequently, now that I hate myself more, I am more annoying, and I cant fix what I did, but in some ways Ive kinda been able to more easily stop doing impulsive shit just by constantly hating myself. Of course it comes at the consequence of me thinking I deserve to die every day but atleast Im not hurting anyone. I feel like its part of why I want someone to like completely care for me / own me so I can have someone else in control and so I dont have to risk hurting anyone. Also I dont know where Id even begin looking for a therapist who could help with these issues, I actually did try having a second therapist last year and it kinda helped he did like internal family therapy or whatever its called and that actually brought me some positive emotions which I havent felt independently of another person like as far as I can remember. Unfortunately he was a grad student and no longer works at my college. Theres new grad students but idk I dont know if I even want to get better I just want to never hurt anyone again, and so far hating myself and isolating myself has worked, but the guilt of what ive done before makes me feel like I should already be gone. Also sorry for how long this message is, idk ive never really had someone understand exactly what I mean and actually relate as much as you right now.

But now that I've like done so much awful shit, I cant convince myself Im not a bad person, I cant forgive myself when I know Ive made his life so much fucking worse without thinking. I did so much shit I thought Id never do and that anyone who did is like irredeemably bad and now Ive done it, and like all that work on not hating myself is gone because I became a bad person, and me knowing I hadnt done anything really harmful was the only reason I was able to get over hating myself before.

I promise you, theres so many people that have done worse, tbh i probably did worse but that doesnt mean you dont deserve forgiveness or youre a bad person, I have never seen someone say that i am a bad person. Despite me abusing people, almost making someone kill themselves, just being an asshole sometimes and knowingly hurt people because i liked it. Also just manipulated a lot of people for the sake of it and i get off on pretty grim things. This is all out in the open, i dont make a secret out of who i am but most people still see me as a good person because my good deeds outdo the bad ones. Youre only a bad person if you let yourself be, the worst people in history didnt feel much guilt you know, self hating wont help you heal and even if you think it keeps you from being worse it probably doesnt. i am a firm believer of the concept that you make your own reality, good and bad are definitions you can decide and being good is a decision, Yes you can hate yourself but you can also dedicate your life to being helpful and doing good, i dont mean in the sense of risking your own mental health and only helping others, but do use situations where you can make a positive difference. And acknlowdge when you did. Its important to realize we as humans arent black or white and you can make an effort to be here for others. Theres a delicate line managing your darker sides and your need to be a social good creature but its not impossible it just takes some work. Finding a therapist that knows what he is doing is hard but dont give up on it <3 if you find the right fit it can do wonders, also look into different types of therapies.

the truth is you cant live your life never hurting anyone, it is in our nature to influence others in our life, good or bad. dont hold yourself to impossible standars. Try to offset your sins. You hurt someone, you regret it, so you try to be a good and helpful person. Taking care of yourself is also a good act, you may not see it my way but your soul just inhabites your body. Taking care of your body is an act of goodness. You choose this body, even if you dont remember, so you should treat it nicely. Humans are social creatures, you should never isolate yourself. Most people who have done things such as murder were isolated. Contact and community can be healing.

im drunk btw so the spelling mistakes are because of that :,) any other mistakes too

[steinwayandhissons]

right so i finally have time to sit down and gather my thoughts - today and yesterday were so chaotic and im running on 4 hours of sleep after doing my grade 8 music theory exam today back in london (probably not a good idea in hindsight but oh well) - sorry in advance for the super long post

oh my god this was one of the most surreal, incredible experiences of my life - it was my first ever gig (other than classical music concerts which are a very different experience!) so everything seemed a bit alien (like the waiting times between acts - that shits long af)

first of all, why was the journey 100x more stressful than the exam i had that morning? i hate british trains - a couple of close calls, a cancelled one 😡 but luckily we made it, bought the merch (poster + tshirt - they were extortionate but im a sucker so i let them take my money) and started queuing (also stressful)

we got in and rushed to the front - we were pretty close, but not right at the barrier, had to ask to swap places with some tall people cos im short and waited

finally the mysterines came on, i listen to their music so i knew the songs they played - they were amazing, but the crowd was kinda dead at that point. the hives were also incredible, you could tell they’d been in showbusiness for a while - the crowd interaction and stage presence was crazy and the crowd definitely responded more enthusiastically

then the main course: it was wild as soon as they walked out the crowd went berserk - during the whole concert they were deafening we were all screaming the lyrics and the riffs i could barely hear the monkeys at times, even during the ‘less popular’ songs it was still very loud (although less loud than the popular ones🤨)

a really cute moment in crying lightning after the solo when he mouthed ‘i just made that up’

they played ritz!!!! oh man singing the dadadadadas back to them was unreal, he got really into the instrumental bit, also at the end of the song he swung his guitar like a golf bat

during 4/5 he blew a kiss to the crowd after singing ‘the only time that we stop laughing is to breathe or steal a kiss’ and gestured to jamie like a gentleman who went centre stage for the outro

there was also a little beef going on next to us where a lady and her obnoxious son started pushing people cos they spilled their drinks, but they got reported and left 😬

mardy bum and fluo made me tear up, i was just basking in the feeling that i was there seeing them in person after all this time following the setlists and each of the concerts virtually and I WAS ACTUALLY THERE at one of the shows like the ones i tracked

there was a beautiful piano interlude before high - i think he was singing “im fucking warmed up now” with a little giggle it was very cute also his voice 🙏 ascending to the heavens

perfect sense was PERFECT! he got out the acoustic and me and my sister were both sobbing my heart couldn’t take it - i posted a video where you can definitely hear a sniff and some cry-singing

when the mirrorball came down during mirrorball i literally lifted my hands and praised the gods for whoever was responsible for creating this man and this band, and they kept it for 505 (he did the neck thing!)

oh my god the body paint outro was fucking insane i was literally standing there in awe as they went off

also after they left before the encore i was terrified they weren’t going to play sculptures cos that’s what happened at i think the last gig so me and my sister were literally manifesting and praying and THEY DID!!!! in the video i took you can literally hear me saying holy shit and celebrating (should i post it and do a voice reveal… also if i do post it you can hear me singing along at the beginning it sounds so bad i swear normally i can sing in tune but i literally could not hear myself it was so powerful)

finally dancefloor and r u mine were bangers, crowd went crazy again

it was funny that you could instantly recognise the tiktok fans by the difference between when 505 played vs mirrorball for example. there was also this tall guy who was standing next to us and slowly started migrating in front of us during the course of the show and he was just there didn’t sing along to any songs didn’t put his arms in the air - the contrast between me screaming all the lyrics to pretty visitors (yes that was my time to shine) and him just standing there 🤷‍♀️ like that’s embarrassing at this point could never be me

also regarding the people who didn’t like how they couldn’t sing along because alex slows the tempo this is absolutely fucking false - he plays with the tempo slightly towards the ends of songs or the ends of sections, which was actually very tastefully done but other than that the tempo was very constant - some songs like teddy picker and pretty visitors were actually even faster than their studio versions

also i was on the tube on my way back and overheard this guy say to someone else that he looked younger than alex (he was 43) - this guy was balding, with greying hair and an almighty dad bod and all i remember thinking is ‘not with that hairline you dont’

but oh man all of them were showstopping - matt truly is an agile beast on the drums, jamie’s solos always slapped, nick was perfect as usual - i was sad i couldn’t see him much from the other side but his blue trousers 🥰, of course alex 1000000% delivered, he was so commanding and mesmerising to watch, despite not having the ostentatious and flamboyant stage presence of say the hives - there was just something inwardly spellbinding and otherworldly about him

anyway i was completely knackered (standing tickets are no joke!) and i had to get up in less than 5 hours for my exam - was completely dead 👍 but this was a complete and utter dream, id been so excited for over 8 months to see them in person. anyways i never want to see another human being ever again god there were enough people there to last a lifetime

also a bit of a ps - it was a bit weird travelling into london again today, i was listening to my playlist on spotify with headphones and every time an am song came up, i felt a bit sick to my stomach, but not in a bad way, it was just because i was hit with the feeling that nothing could ever compare to seeing them live, and the revelation of ‘oh shit i saw them play this song yesterday irl’ kind of rattled me and the fact that it’ll be a few or even more years when they release a new album and tour again and ill never be able to witness this again until then when im so much older was crushing…..

now that it’s over -> yay post concert depression

again sorry for the long post 😭 xxx

[deafknell]

whats ur writing process like? :o for both ur solo fic writing process and ur writing process when it comes to collabs? just asking out of curiosity as well 🙏🙏 love ur fics op <3

Ahh bless you <3

Generally my writing process is kind of... all over the place. How it works for me probably isn't the most efficient, but it's one I've built after working with some close friends on a lot of collab projects.

I usually start with, well, the basic idea. Often my fics come from either having read something in canon and going "man I wanna see this" or it's a requested fic from a friend of mine.

From there, I tend to write out the barebones premise onto a doc as a stream of thought. No editing, no backtracking, just the basic ideas of what I want characters to say or do, and anything important that pops to mind from the idea. I'll tend to include little notes to myself like side stories to check or style notes here.

I'll use a WIP as an example here:

Joshua stares, very mixed feelings. Im sure they were no match to you, brother. But julius keeps hyping up subaru, and doesnt seem to be relenting on this. So joshua doesnt push, and instead asks about the rest of the camp? Ana pipes up about roswaal being quite conniving, someone not to be underestimated. joshua frowns. isnt roswaal that weird noble with lots of rumours around him (see: josh juukulius careful encyclopedia 1)

Nothing too fancy here - just trying to get the basic idea out on a doc with the bits and pieces needed to make it come together.

Then I try to refine it a little so it's closer to a draft than quick notes for me to refer to:

[Joshua stares at Julius. Very conflicted -- Julius has made a good friend, but he's putting himself down again. Another Reinhard type, possibly. "I'm sure they were no match to you, Elder Brother." Julius waves his hand dismissively, fond look on his face. Says something praising Subaru for his efforts in the Whale hunt. Joshua narrows his eyes, but doesn't push further. He knows his brother won't relent on this. Redirect focus to the rest of the Emilia camp. Set up main points of interest - Roswaal, and Emilia. Do some background work here; where is everybody sat? Noise of the restaurant? Details. Feed into the quiet discomfort Joshua has by making things go quiet before he asks about everyone's opinions on their rivals]

Lots more detail here, while still keeping room for flexibility -- I don't like being too strict with my outlines outside of plot points because otherwise I end up feeling like I'm not challenging/doing anything creative, just following a script.

After that point? I just write it out like normal. If I think the start of the fic is boring, I'll start writing from a point that actually interests me, then reassess if maybe I want a cold open or not for the story. I'm a massive nerd for the small details, stuff like body language or subtleties in what characters focus on so generally I enjoy starting from a place with a loooot of room for little notes on background.

For collabs, it's very much down to who I work with! The main people I work with are the reason I adopted this style of planning, but usually I leave it up to my collab partner to decide how we wanna plan, since I'm usually flexible in that regard! I used to write a lot more freeform without plans, so it's primarily for the benefit of telling a more well rounded story I plan at all.

I'd definitely love to do more collab work. It's difficult trying to fit schedules together, especially as I'm quite lazy with writing, but collab work always feels fun and ends up making me write outta guilt of not being that one person in the group project. Think the only thing that stops me nowadays is trying not to overcommit, or seem far too clingy with writers I really admire haha.

[theoldaeroplane]

meandering thoughts (reflective style)

with my life seeming to settle a little bit (knock on wood) my brain returns to its favorite dilemma: relationships! how confusing they are for me! how i get crushes all the time on everyone and am too scared of alienating people important to me to do anything about them! operation "just be cool and hot and hope people are attracted to you" does not seem to be working, despite the fact i am both cooler and hotter than ever. i have always given off an unconscious air of "don't interact with me" that I think makes this difficult for people. (probably because I largely don't want most people to interact with me, and because I'm autistic and can't figure out social cues, and because even casual touch with people outside of a very small bubble activates like seventeen goblins in my brain!)

i talked to my therapist about these feelings last week and we're probably going to focus on them moving forward. this was really the year where i realized that the depths of the damage done to me growing up were much deeper than I thought. it's difficult to acknowledge that! it's hard to really look in the eye how much work I still have to do even now.

I've been reading about relationship anarchy and finding it appealing. the trouble of course comes in the practice. my therapist, who's trans and poly and is someone I trust to have good takes on these things, said something like ... "you can just ask the people you want to be closer to if they're interested in exploring a possible deeper intimacy." im both fascinated and terrified by this. sure i can just ask. what if i get told no? ive been told no so many times. it does a number on your self confidence! what if it makes this person who is important to me uncomfortable? what if it pushes them away from me? it's happened before! i can't risk losing what I have!

i suspect the fact my support network is almost entirely friends makes this much more frightening; without the kind of anchor relationship most people i know have in the form of immediate family, expressing interest in changing the relationships i do have kind of feels like fucking around in my operating system's files without a backup. it's sort of funny to be okay with the mortifying ordeal of being known, but being too afraid to even get to it.

relationship anarchy says, do away with preconceived notions of what a relationship "should" look like. kick out the fences and define new borders. fuck your friends and live domestically with your platonic life partner, if you want. this fascinates me. it's something I've been writing into many of my characters' relationships for some time now, without having a name for it. do i want a traditional partner? part of me thinks I do, but maybe that's just a lifetime of social conditioning. what would be the most fulfilling for me? i don't know. it seems like something you can probably only figure out with experience, and right now that's my problem.

i was raised by people who wanted me to "court" instead of date. (My therapist made a terrible face and said oh I hate that for you when I told him this.) i was raised by people who definitely would have tried to get me to read "i kissed dating goodbye" if i had done anything other than have a crush on a gay boy all through high school. I still talk to that guy all the time, crush free even, and he's in a great relationship with another man now. their relationship is strictly romantic; the partner fulfills his sexual needs with other people. i thought that was so cool when I first heard about it. I think it was the first time someone I knew personally demonstrated a functioning, nontraditional relationship. Others have followed. I'm so happy for them! I watch, fascinated, from behind the iron wall I've built for myself while "Hello My Old Heart" plays in the background.

it's Christmas as I write this, and I've got no plans. a few people have checked in on me, because I'm always alone at this time of year. (honestly, the checking in kind of makes it worse. "hey I'm celebrating with my loved ones and I know you aren't, how are you?") that's another complicated topic, but it's been a little easier this year. it's probably to do with both time and the fact that my adhd is being managed for the first time ever; it's common to have increased emotional regularity when that happens. I'm lonely, but I'm used to it, and things will go back to normal soon. It would be nice to have someone to spend it with. i don't know if it's in the cards for me. maybe next year.

I worry sometimes that I sabotage myself. Oh, I'm into this person, but they're in a relationship, or they're straight, or they're ace, or they live far away, or I work with them (as if any of those things are a hard limiter in all cases). I can find any excuse not to express my interest in someone. It's something I'm working with my therapist on.

As morose as this post is, I'm okay. today I'll mess around with my server project and go feed my friend's pets while he's away. I'll spend a lot of time thinking about this and distill my feelings down into something I can overlay onto a character; i see myself most clearly when I do it through a mask. I've got things to cook and a fridge to clean and an indoor bike to ride. There are people who care about me and it's important I try to remember that.

uh, happy holidays! i promise i am okay enough. please don't make me think about it any deeper than that. I really truly hope you have a good one.

[candiedapplez]

I ask you all of the questions from that one reblog. Good luck/nf/j

Omg ok this will be a while then tehehehehehehhe im not complaining though!!!! Heres the questions so u can look at the questions and the answers!

1.this one is OBVIOUS!!! A-90 and Opheebop!!! DUUUUUUUH!

2.lighter. Ive never used a match before

3.ew no!!! I don't want buggies crawling in my room while im sleeping!!!! However i have before!

4. Aaaaaa ive never really gotten into that stuff so i cant really give an answer-

5. A really dark brown!!

6. Oops i did that again???

7. Well idk ive used both and they are both work really well! however i do think scrunchies are safer for your hair, i use normal hair ties more often because scrunchies are more bulky and yeah i dont prefer that, but both are great!

8. Six. I have six.

9.NONE! COFFE IS GROSS BLEEEEEEGH!!

10. Ofc!!

11. Does drawing count?

12. Good day!!!!! I havent cried yet so-

13. Not too long ago, like an hour ago actually. I had pizza! (Incase u were wondering)

14. HELL YEAH!!!

15. Nope and i never want to be 😗

16. NoooooOoOoO-

17. Nope i have perfect vision muah

18. I DONT WANNA SAY TEHE! (Sry)

19. Yea ofc!!! But they probably wont turn out good…

20. Soda…. Ive never seen or heard anyone say pop before….

21. Plushies!!!! I have a unicorn plush my old friend (we dont talk anymore since she moved) gave me for my 7th bday!!!! Yes i remember when, yes i still have it! And its in perferct condition!!! Also there was this one kid who ig had a crush on my and he gave me a basket full of stuff for valentines day and i still have said basket-

22. I have no clue what this means? I guess sensitive?

23. Love it!!!!!

24. Eating :] (and joking abt pushing each other off probably/JOKE/JOKE/JOKE/JOKE)

25. Aaaa i use all of them but i use lotion most so ig lotion?

26. Idk what to say for this one aaaaaagh

27. Like 5 i think? Ive been getting better with my sleep time!!!!

28. Not anymore, our school last year said we could take them off, however i was SO insecure about my face (still am, but not as much as before) so i would wear it every single day. If i showed up to school without one people got surprised. I stopped wearing them this year, however.

29. Hot????

30. THE FUCKING WATER BOTTLES!!!!

31. Theres a lot, i dont wanna get into it 😵‍💫

32…… is that a thing? People have favorite towels??

33. Hm my school took us on a field trip to a high school so we can see animals if that counts… (i have pictures btw if u wanna see them! We saw pigs, sheep, cows and bunny! I didnt take pic of bunny tho 😢)

34. LITERALLY EVERY SIX THE MUSICAL SONG HOLY SHIT IVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS (the only ones i might mess up on are aywd and idnyl bc aywd is long and i dont listen to idnyl often)

35. Pst!!

36. Only once! My username used to have a 0 between the words (Candied0applez) but i changed it bc it made it sound like i candied no apples… but i was originally going to be called caramelapplez but i thought candied sounded better heheh)

37. The friend i mentioned earlier i met first day of kindergarden, her name is Alana, and this other girl Maya i met before kinder! We met eachother at a park and when we walked home we found out we were neighbors so we instantly became besties! (We still are to this day but she lives 30 mins away so i dont see her often-(

38. All…?

39. Sometimes!

40. Ice cream!!!

41. Empty. Coffee is gross

42. Hahahah yt, roblox and occasionally twitter!

43. HAND IT OVER BITCH!

44. Myself/j fucking donald trump 🤮👈🖕

45. NO ☺️

46. Oh god i dont watch any 🫢

47. | v

this actually was to the other girl i mentioned earlier! Maya! I found baby pictures of us when we were in 2nd-3rd grade and i showed her today!!!

48. Never and i dont plan on ever!

49. Never tried

50. GO AHEAD I GET SO EXCITED WHEN IM TAGGED IN SOMETHING AAAAA!

omg that took forever!!! Gosh i dont mind though!!! These were fun questions! Aaaaaaaa i enjoyed that tyty!

[acaciapines]

What does the post ending of 'The Holiday-Dreemur Kids' look like? How does it compare to what's featured in 'So I'm Waiting For The Teeth' and 'Dear Dess, Love Asriel'? You're are genuinely my favorite deltarune author and 'i know i'm not well (but i'm alright)' is by far my favorite deltarune fic (and in my list of all time fav fanfics) and I would LOVE to know what if any future you've envisioned for the cast?

ok well first off THIS IS SO SWEET THANK U SM......i dunno it always makes me so happy 2 know people return to my fics and me being your?? favorite?? deltarune author???? wild.

n all honestly i didnt really envision any sort of future once i finished up the series, i essentially see both homegrown hearts (for the kids) and dess, after (for dess n azzy) as the futures for the cast as i wrote them in i know i'm not well! this means theres a Whole Lot Of Life unaccounted for yes lol but that leaves it open for you to decide! they made it through the hardest part now they get to live their lives.

tho i will say some cute things ive always sort of pictured would be ralsei going to high school w the rest of the fun gang...she gets out of the dark world pretty early so she's got like, two or three years of high school experiences. i imagine kris susie and noelle really run with the bit of ralsei being a foreign exchange student (from their school's closet) just to see how far they can push it. i doubt they're super secretive about the dark worlds after this tho lol once ralsei gets out its like. why keep the worlds separate?

all the kids are way more mentally healthy here lol since they wouldve worked out the worst of their stuff earlier! im not sure what they'd do as adults...kris and noelle sharing a dorm room is still the funniest thing EVER to me. i also really like the idea of ralsei studying religion...as someone who doesnt study religion idk exactly what that would look like, but i think she'd find it really interesting and really relate to the idea of finding meaning in a world, though im not sure i see her as being like. actively religious herself after the dark worlds. i just feel like studying it is a way for her to forgive her past self, in a way? for how she clung to the prophecy. dunno. might do something with this idea one day. probably not, but we'll see.

on the dess and asriel side of things, asriel would meet chara! in this universe xe was dess's friend first but xe and azzy would hit it off too. asriel and dess playfully fight over xir and chara thinks it is very stupid (xe can have two friends!) but also won't complain about the pair of them doing all the chores xe doesnt want to do lol. i feel like prooooobably one big difference would be chara and azzy not having a qpr? that's an idea i like which is why i explored it in dear dess, love asriel, and i like xir having one with dess which will be seen in the dess raises kris au, but for this particular universe i think both dess and azzy being there means theyre all just close friends! chara doesnt let dess babysit though. dess is fine with this. she is not a huge fan of being responsible for children lol.

dess and kris continue to repair their relationship. for missing so many of kris's birthdays theres a good ten year span where dess goes super all-out. probably plans a surprise party that kris 100% knows about but thinks is really sweet so they dont say anything until the very end.

but thats just a few ideas i came up with! none of these would ever be written in any way bc i cant see myself writing more for the holiday-dreemurr kids universe...those stories are over and while i hope to write more deltarune stuff in the future (i have a LOT of ideas for the dess raises kris au), these particular fics are all in the 'it's free real estate' territory. their futures are whatever you could picture!

[whyyoualwayssoradical]

in your opinion is it even worth it to identify as a male if most people dont like to see you as one? i'm not on hrt or anything and ive never said im a woman but since pretty much day 1 other males have felt inclined to push me out of their "boys club", like they're glad to not have me there and seek so, even gay men do this to me so its like why should i call myself this when its just so futile and painful because i'm constantly subtly and overtly exiled from the tribe i'm supposed to join?

i don't identify as male, i am male because i was born male, it is not an identity but a biological reality. i chose to transition to treat my dysphoria which makes me trans.

i definitely had some somewhat similar experiences when i first came out to my close friend group. this group of friends wasn't a typical boys club type friend group and was much more mixed, but pretty much once i came out they all started treated me differently.

the women friends in the group immediately started giving me things to stay safe with when out and informing me how to stay safe and to always let them know anywhere i went out. this was good and welcome and even before i came out they had all gotten worried about me because i was just out and about all day one day without telling anyone lol.

the guys... kinda more subtly treated me different at first and then after some time one of them became interested in me and despite me turning him down every time he wouldn't let up and made everything weird and awkward. come to find out later his dad also found interest in me which was extra fucking weird and now i think they both have some particular interest in people like me. i didnt want to any dynamics in the friend group to change so i had already decided i wasn't going to date or get involved with anyone yet he essentially forced a dynamic change by treating me almost like a manic pixie dream girl 🤢.

i wasn't really pushed out of anything though in the same manner it seems you were, over time i realized how shitty most of those friends were and how they never really included me in anything properly even before transition. i am also autistic and they couldn't do the bare minimum of just communicating things to me, even when my best friend explicitly told them to tell me about something. i would always find out last minute or just be left out. it got worse after transition + after pandemic hit.

i have had.. interesting interactions with gay men, they usually like me socially but they definitely treat me as an "other", like not exactly a gay man but also not exactly a woman. overall they have always been really nice to me but yeah, not really allowed to join or considered one of them in the same way.

i wish i had a better answer. i wish i could have grown up and been allowed to discover myself properly and then maybe i would have just been a gay man, i don't really know.

i definitely don't really have anywhere i truly belong. i'm already "other" by being autistic, not heterosexual, and then i chose to transition adding even more. my autism is much more similar to autism in women which further others me i feel because even though i relate so much to how they experience it i'm still not a woman like them. i don't really belong with gay men, i feel like they probably don't even want someone like me because i've done everything i can to not be a man so to speak and probably think i'm just self hating or something, i don't really know though. i wasn't strong enough to be a gay man in this world after everything i've gone through, i don't know. it's like my brain is so fucked i just can't.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

hi, hope all is well, please call me ruby. i apologize in advance if this ask is a little hard to follow because honestly all these thoughts are a byproduct of a multitude of my anxieties. i'm really sorry for the long post. tw's; csa, cocsa, downplaying possible trauma?, hypersexuality, body image issues, low self esteem, overthinking, some anxiety about the future. i'm looking for advice and reassurance.

i'll start off by the fact that for as much as i can remember, my elder cousin starting sa'ing me from a very young age. i remember him teaching me this seemingly weird form of masturbation and as a kid, i wasn't sure what to think of it. when i was around 12-15, it escalated a bit more. touching me where he wasn't supposed to, etc. i remember waking up to him touching me. i knew that it felt wrong, but i didn't know what to think of it. i felt so confused.

he almost raped me once. at this point, i knew that i did not like what was happening, but i still feel today that some part of me feels i liked it. what other explanation could i come up with for letting him do it to me for years? from then on, i vaguely remember resisting all advances. i dreaded going to his house, dreaded him coming home, dreaded when my parents would ask me to run errands with him. i would push him away every time he tried to pull me by the hand to touch me on the stairs.

but he's my first cousin. i'm a single child. both my parents and my grandmother are very fond of him, & he's pretty much the pride of my family. nobody knows about this. i don't know if i'll ever be able to tell anyone about it. there is no evidence. all i had was an explicit text message which he deleted. the catch here is that when we'd gone on a trip together, he'd also sa'd his younger sister. i don't know if he's gone beyond that in the past few years, her and i don't talk about it nor bring it up. i'm assuming my aunt & uncle don't know about it. i often think about asking her about it, the possibility of exposing him, but it's so scary. i often overthink enough to picture a scenario where instead of helping me, the sister turns on me & all of a sudden i'll ruin my family.

i honestly think that im not traumatized at all. i probably enjoyed it, led him on until i didn't, and i'm completely fine. but i have doubts about this. i have trouble sleeping, and i'm very fucking ashamed of the fact that i'm hypersexual with myself, but in public i portray myself as someone with a sex repulsion, which although i do have to an extent, feels contradictory to me and i hate it. i'm obese & have 2 autoimmune diseases, i already hate how my body looks and my cousin has only made it worse.

my grandma's almost 78. i think, that maybe, for whatever time i have left with her, it's better that she doesn't know what her grandson did. the thought of having my family know what my cousin did & having to live with that knowledge for the rest of their lives, is something that i have mixed feelings about. i hear of so many stories where people are falsely accused of SA w/o any proof and their lives get ruined. i feel that if i ever came out about the SA, it would be a similar situation where i'd have no proof and then god knows how things would be. for all i know i'd be labelled as someone who destroyed someone's life and reputation, but in hindsight that happens with a lot of victims. i'd burden my parents & ruin their great relationship w him. i'm supposed to treasure my cousins, being a single child. but i can't. now, him and i act like it never happened. from an outsider's perspective, we get along very well. but deep down i can't care about him. even when we got the news that he was once hospitalized, i found myself thinking 'good. i hope something worse happens' & i don't know how to feel about it. i was a lonely child, and i'm only coming to realize that my parents did not have a healthy relationship like i thought they did, and there were periods where my they couldn't be the best parents to me. so i always longed for a sibling. all my cousins and friends had siblings. i'd always asked my mom for one. now i realize why i never had one, going back to my parents' relationship plus the fact that i was born premature and i'm lucky to be here today. my mom had health problems and was told that all babies she had would turn out like me and probably not survive. additionally, she didn't have the best relationship with her own brother, and didn't want me to go through the same. yet, she's told me that when she looks at all my other cousins, she'd wished she'd have given me the experience of a sibling too.

today i'm 19, i'm grateful for being a single child, and given so many opportunities that a sibling would not get. but one of my worst fears is that when my parents are gone, i'll only have myself, whereas siblings w healthy relationships ( which includes almost all my friends ) will have each other. i don't even share great relations with my own cousins, not sure if i can. my friends don't seem to understand this fear. i'm scared for the future, and so many other things. if my sheltered self will be able to survive without the coddling of my parents. if someday the truth about my cousin randomly comes out and it shatters me. im doing fine living with the experience, but i don't know how it'll affect me in the future. this just increases me thinking that i'm fine and not a 'real victim'.

again, i apologize for the long post, i tried my best to express how i felt. thank you so much for this safe space.

Hi ruby,

I'm so sorry about what you've been through. Please remember that you were a child so you couldn't have consented even if you say you somewhat enjoyed it. It's common for children to not fully grasp the gravity of the situation due to their cognitive development and therefore may enjoy it, however that's not an excuse for the abuse and it's something that abusers take advantage of. It's natural for things to feel good even if you do not consent to it, but your pleasure doesn't override your lack of consent.

Please know that it's up to you whether or not you tell your family what happened, and it's not your fault if it causes division in the family. Even if people don't believe you, you know what happened was true at the end of the day, so it's way different from making false accusations and tarnishing reputations - your cousin tarnished his own reputation by doing what he did to you and his sister.

If you can access or afford it, I strongly encourage you to speak to a mental health professional such as a therapist who can help you process these experiences and develop some healthy coping skills that you can take with you along your healing journey. If anyone has any comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[everything-i-couldnt-tell-u]

i remember how i fronted a lot around you before and god i was so happy cause i thought someone finally accepts me. til i found out you exposed my messages on that server and im still so humiliated. yk after that, arveil said that if only i didnt front and showed my embarrassing personality, things between you and him wouldnt have been ruined.

so well i moved to ranting on twt instead of doing it in anyones dms after that to avoid it happening again. but every time i fronted to rant on twt i always seemed to receive replies from you bc you noticed something wrong about me and the things i say? i gaslighted myself for so long that maybe i truly am so flawed that's why no one seems to want me to the point that i don't remember anything loveable about me anymore.

and the last time i talked to you seriously and asked what is it that you even liked about me, you told me that you don't know how to answer. even though it was already obvious that you dont like me, i still desperately looked for signs. but well you said that question suffocates you. that it's hard to love me cause i require a reason to be loved. i just really wished to know if i'm being loved for who i am and im not just being used, but i never got to know. you said that im the one who pushes everyone away like a bitch then whines about it when i get lonely. sure that was true but how am i not gonna push everyone away after ive been lied to and abandoned a lot? and to make things worse how would i not be pushing you away out of fear when you kept saying and doing things that make me feel like you dont like me?

but the day you told me i wasn't worth your time was the day it became clear to me that maybe you never loved me. i dont really care if you didnt mean that cause it was the only thing that made sense. sure maybe you didn't feel that way towards arveil but i'm sure you feel like that towards me. it was arveil you loved and not me. you didnt like how i felt like a soulless shell to you whenever arveil wasn't fronting. i always managed to make you lose your patience and lash out cause of how paranoid i am. you'd get sick of how arveil tries to fix his friendship with you after i sabotage it so much. if you get sick of him it's probably my fault again. im the price everyone pays for just so they can be with arveil but soon you'd think that the price isn't worth it right?

i feel like you and arveil must hate me so much so i started resenting both of you. yeah i dont like it when people treat me horribly but i hate it even more when people mistake me for and treat me like im arveil. it makes me feel sick, it feels like im being reminded that it's arveil that everyone wants to talk to and not me. that things wouldve been better if i never existed.

i know that you're genuine with arveil but i know you have no reason to love me. i promised you before that i wouldn't force you to answer that question anymore. unless you have a good reason to tell me why you'd want to have any connection with me, don't force it. after all the things ive seen and heard from you, what reason is there for me not the think that you don't hate me like everyone else? i just don't wanna get my hopes up thinking that you'd want me and i dont wanna feel guilty if in the end i'll just be the reason why your time got wasted.

[compatiissante]

name : Aspen or Salem pronouns : they / them preference of communication : Discord is usually the go-to. like-- i don't hATE the tungle IMs, but also, i have the attention span of a peanut either way, no matter what i use <3 most active muse :  This dumb bitch </3 experience / how many years :  lmao uhhhh-- it'll be probably 11 years this year, actually. best experience : as much as i may call this a hellsite due to so much bullshit, this is the place i've made and kept a good chunk of my current friendships. i struggle with keeping friends for many reasons, but the ones i've kept, i keep very near and dear to my heart. sometimes it even leads to moving in with one for all of this website's flaws, i can still honestly say that giving me the option to have more friends online than i ever had growing up IRL. rp pet peeves: uhhh-- i had a couple thoughts about this one for a second, but they immediately left my brain moments later. idk man, not following people's rules??? fluff, angst, or smut :ㅤi physically cannot do angst for very long due to feeling it hit my emotions really really hard ( something i've been trying to work on for myself ). smut is kinda ehhhh just because i can feel myself get awkward about trying to write it out?? i'll think or talk about it with people in disco, but actually writing the deed is another story entirely. fluff is normally my #1 go-to. plots or memes :  plotting is really hard for me unless an idea comes to me out of the blue, punches me in the face and runs off ;w; memes are great tho bc i can easily bounce things off of those!!  long or short replies : short ones are cool for a while, and long ones i can kind of push myself to do if i'm really feeling the inspiration and motivation for a particular thread/draft?? but it's pretty hit or miss either way. there's a very particular sweet spot somewhere between those that's always what i try to shoot for when i can actually write. time to write : lmao good question, bc my motivation for writing is genuinely either all here and making me vibrate in my seat while i have nothing to write, or i have a million things in drafts and zERO muse or motivation for any of it. there's literally no telling what time it'll hit me.  are you like your muses : ㅤunfortunately, there's a lot of myself in maya, but it's something that i've been trying to work on ( for the both of our sakes ).

[qualityempathshoebear]

2022, a crashing rollercoaster

Hey you,

its been a while. Ok yeah, maybe a little more than "a while". The year is over, and i think its time to reflect. But first, let me catch you up on everything thats happened since I last came on here.

Im still in Leeds, and will realistically stay here until I leave for University. Youre probably wondering what happened, why im not in Singapore. Well... my dads job didnt think he had enough experience, so what was supposed to be a delay, turned into a cancellation. So I have basically had to go to a school i wasnt supposed to be at in the first place, for a whole half-year. It was absolutly horrible and I had no friends. There were three (sometimes four) nice girls who I would sit with during snack and lunch. But it was almost always just us sitting in silence or me going on the computer in front of me, so I didnt look like an absolute fucking loser. I would go on VG and read the news every day and must have looked like such a loner to the people behind me. The girls were nice, but I didnt feel like we ever got to know eachother, I felt so fake the entire time.

And dont get me fucking started on the morning forms. I fucking hated coming in there just to sit in awkward silnce while staring ahead. And those horrible meditation sessions that the form tutor would do. I would just sit there with my hands in my lap, hoping for it to end. The girl sitting next to me was nice tho. I think she could tell I wasnt enjoying myself. I can honestly say I had no friends in that place, and that it was single-handedly the worst school experience I had ever had. And I know parts of it was my fault. I wasnt willing to make friends because everything felt so temporary. Even being in England still does. But wait, why are you talking in past tense? Im happy you asked. You see, I begged my dad to send an email to IB headquarters and ask to get the official copy of my diploma so I can apply directly into college (Englands equivalnce to highschool), without having to take their middle school exam (because fuck that!). And it luckily arrived on the last day of chistmas break... so I dropped out.

The plan now is that im going abroad to stay with my aunt until september, because I honestly just cant deal with staying in this horribly sad country. Everything about it is sad. The weather, the food, the disgustinly chlorinated water, the people, the buildings, even their fucking buildings are sad. I just cant fucking deal with it, It so similair to back home. No, its ven worse here. What was even the point of moving.

I have been so incredibly stressed because of the whole situation and its really taken a tole on me. I have had so much anxiety, to the point where I cant even sleep at night without panicking. Im constantly tired, I have lost so much weight, I have a breast infection in both my breasts (to be fair, I did have it before coming here), im depressed, and honestly, a little sui*idal.

To make matters worse, my parents have become religous freaks. And its definelty not helping that my mom has befriended some super religous woman, with the same background as us. Theyre making me do some weird post-menstruation shower ritual every fucking month (yes, theyve been tracking my period, gross!). Dont get me wrong, I dont actually end up doing them. I protest for a while and then I lie and pretend like ive done it. Around two weeks ago my dad came to my room to tell me to do the ritual, and I told him I couldnt because I was sick (and i actually was). Long story short, he didnt believe me and started yelling at me. I told him he was pressuring me into becoming religious. He freaks out and basically threatens me and pushes me (at some point even yanking my phone out of my hands, saying hes going to take it from me). All this while my mom watches and doesnt do anything besides saying my dads name and grabbing his arm every now and them. She even left at some point, but made sure to come back to gaslight and guiltrip me. I told her that if anyone touched me ever again I would call the cops immidielty. I havent really spoken to dad since. Its honestly really strained the relationship with my parents, and its making me realise that we will never have a normal relationship. In some ways I wish I could just be religous so I could save myself the anger, stress, and constant fighting with my parents. But whenever I give the idea further thought, I cringe. Even religion is ruined for me because of them. I feel that I shouldnt be religous, as revenge. The only way I could ever see myself becoming religous, is if I married a muslim man, and he helped me heal from all this fucking trauma. But I dont think I will do that. The only upside is that he wouldnt leave me, because of the stigma of divorce in muslim communities. But heck, I honestly just want to be loved. As gross and sappy as that sounds.

This year was supposed to be filled with laughs, new starts, new frienships, money, and much more. And instead I got none of it. I dont know, maybe this is what I deserve. Its safe to say that 2022 was my worst year yet. There were some highs, but mostly lows. Real fucking lows.

Im honestly just happy that I get to leave this wet-red brick country (even if its just temporarly), and hopefully in the meantime, my dad will get a job somewhere else so we can leave. If not, University is my only way out.

Now youre pretty much all cought up with whats worth to be cought up on. Before I leave, Ill share my new years resolutions and what I hope to focus on in 2023.

New years resolutions:

-Drink 2L of water a day, Gain weight, Workout once a week, Grow finger and toe nails, start daily journal, Grow hair and repair hairline, Get a new hobby, Grow eyebrows and eyelashes, Read 3 books, Solve Cains Jawbone, Clear skin, and to watch a musical live.

And in 2023 I hope to repair (as much as possible) my mental and physical health.

That would be all for now, until next time! <3