#physical trauma can spawn emotional and mental trauma as well. is way more bad and deep that the emotional one i might have

[gatun-gatunesco]

...

[ablednt]

Hey Audit, how can you tell if something is an obession/compulsion? Can you experience that without full-blown OCD? (Tw since I'm going to go into vague detail) I get intrusive thoughts about causing harm to others and I spend a lot of time after getting those thoughts trying to "cancel them out" by thinking something in the "opposite direction" is that makes sense. It can impair my day-to-day activities. Do you have any resources that I could go to so I can better understand my dilemma? /gen

(This is coming from someone who hasn't known about their OCD very long and has yet to really interact with the community a lot so take this with a bucket of salt)

Honestly it's pretty hard to tell? Intrusive thoughts aren't unique to OCD but do they feel like...obsessive? From what I can tell non-OCDers are encouraged to ignore their intrusive thoughts rather than trying to cancel them out so if you can do that somehow (distractions, mindfulness/grounding exercises, etc.) then it's probably not an OCD thing(?) (But that's just a guess don't take my word for it)

How I tell if something is an obsession is if I fixate on it. I actually mistook this for my ADHD for years bc I was thinking "Yeah I have these really horrible hyperfixations I haven't told anyone about and they make me actively miserable and I'd give anything to stop them but I can't" but that was an obsession.

Some of these can last for years (We have one that is a direct result of repressed trauma that has worsened and worsened over the past 13 years or so but I'm not comfortable giving details)

And some can be more momentary. Like the brain recognizes that 1. Racism is very bad actually 2. I am capable of and often times oblivious to it. So this means my brain will spew whatever bullshit I know to be bad already literally any time it can. (This is different from times I'm actually perpetuating it and absolutely not an excuse for that, as this is stuff I know to be bad already. The brain just fixates on anything it can to make me feel like a bad person)

With OCD intrusive thoughts range in intensity but very often are completely unavoidable. If I ignore my intrusive thoughts they just repeat over and over in a loop because my brain is obsessing over it. I've had times where my brain obsessed over the repressed trauma thing and I was like no I don't want to compulse over this it's painful so I turned on a video game to distract myself but my brain just threw these thoughts at me over the game repeatedly until I gave up and compulsed.

Compulsions are things that you do to ease the obsessions (and said obsessions spawn from fears. I'm afraid of hurting innocent people so my brain obsesses on ways I could be bigoted or harmful, my compulsion in this case is two fold with repeatedly correcting each intrusive thought to defend myself like "no that's not right because-" and then to over explain everything I ever say around people I don't know well because if I'm not perfectly clear I'm a bigot actually/s)

Some compulsions are physical

Searching a room every time you enter to make sure it's safe

Checking to make sure doors are locked every time you go near front/back doors.

Looking behind a shower curtain when you go to the bathroom multiple times to make sure no one is in there

Etc.

And some compulsions are emotional or mental

Repeating things (not necessarily in the same words just. Really looping back around and thinking all the same things) mentally in response to intrusive thoughts

Apologizing too much to people

Daydreaming or visualization (MADD and OCD can intersect)

One very specific one is oftentimes if I feel afraid I'll tell someone my fears because the universe likes to prove me wrong so ocd is like haha yes it'll be ok now

Basically a compulsion either pacifies a fear through unrelated means ("im scared I'm a bad person but if I keep washing my hands I'll feel clean") or seeks to embrace it ("if I relive this traumatic memory every day I'll realize I deserved it and then it won't be trauma anymore" as you can see these ones are particularly heinous)

So that's OCD as I understand it. Unfortunately I don't have any resources because I happened to self dx after talking to a close friend with OCD and we've just sort of talked about it. If anyone else knows good OCD coping methods and resources though I'd be thrilled to boost them and also see if I can apply them.

[maybeeatspaghetti]

Hi! This may be a bit rude but I swear I'm just very curious. I've seen quite a lot of people saying that your Whizzvin fics (the dirty ones) fetishize gay couples? I'm confused about it, to be honest. Do you have anything to say or defend about this?

I got a very rude ask about this about this a month ago, which I answered then, and I’ve pasted the important parts of my previous response below the cut.

Since people seem to have a continuing issue with my writing stories of this nature, let me please direct you to the legacy of Dirk Vanden, a pioneering pulp erotica author called ��the godfather of gay erotic fiction.” In queer literary theory, he is held in high regard, as he insisted on including graphic sex scenes in his novels because it was so rare to see gay sex of any kind depicted in works of fiction at the time (1960s and 1970s). It spawned, then and now, open discussions about sex and sexuality, freely disregarding the unspoken rule that sex in literature was reserved for heterosexual couples (and even then, it was really only hinted at, and not usually explicit). He changed queer literary theory in a way that embraced raw, sexually explicit literature as a way to build up queer identities.

Dirk Vanden wrote explicit gay sex scenes in a time that was not very accepting, consequences be damned, and thus changed the very landscape of what gay fiction was allowed or supposed to be. Those of us who write gay erotica (fanfiction or otherwise) now do so in the shadow of authors like Dirk Vanden and many other gay erotica authors of the 60s and 70s, who wouldn’t settle for being told gay sexuality was not decent enough to be written about.

So when you have an issue with me writing sexually explicit stories about fictional characters, you also then have an issue with the authors who recaptured gay identity and gay sexuality in literature as more than just campy or tragic. Back then, there was no in between. Gay characters were the butt of every joke or they were tragic, doomed to die in the end. Gay erotica novels—also called “stroke books” because, well... I think it’s clear—took themselves seriously because literature had no place for gay sexuality. For a long time, these novels were bought and sold in secret, and printers would churn out books and then quickly dismantle themselves to evade the authorities, since the sale or distribution of adult materials was illegal until 1973. The world looked at gay sex shamefully; the one place it was joyful, and not shameful, was within the pages of those books.

So, really, it just boils down to: if you’re going to say that writing explicit sexual stories is inherently negative, you’re trampling on the legacy of the people who wrote explicit gay sex scenes as a positive expression and affirmation of gay sexuality, and you’re also ignoring gay erotica’s revered place in queer theory. By regarding it at shameful or inappropriate or unacceptable now, and going after authors who write erotica (smut, slash, whatever you want to call it), you’re undoing all the strides authors like Dirk Vanden managed to take to make writing gay erotica permissible. We may as well be back in the 1960s. 

Please take some time to learn about the history of queer literature before attacking authors for engaging in a type of writing that was pioneered as a way to lift up and celebrate gay sexuality. Please. Come on. If we don’t know what came before, how are we supposed to continue moving forward?

What I posted a month ago: 

*Trigger warning for mentions of rape*

As I’ve spoken about before—if you haven’t had the chance to look through my blog—I am asexual. The way I explore the boundaries of my sexuality are through writing, and it’s also none of your business, but since you feel entitled enough to judge and throw accusations without knowing me, I’ll elaborate.

Do you have any idea how terrifying sex is for me? How upsetting it is? Knowing I don’t want to have it but desperately wanting to be a part of it somehow, and then, furthermore, feeling alienated from both the LGBT community and the rest of society because 1) asexuals are not considered queer enough for the LGBT community and 2) our entire society revolves around sex and people just don’t get how I can possibly have zero sexual urges. People look at me and say I can be “cured” if I just have enough sex or have sex with the right person.

Writing stories about sex allows me to explore sex in a safe way, without having to be involved with the actual, physical side. I like to explore the deep emotional connection sex builds between two people because sex is often the most intimate thing two people can do together. Fetishization is the reduction of people to objects—dehumanization—and writing characters in a demeaning or degrading way. I hope I never do that in my stories. I want my stories to be representations of positive sexual encounters—emotionally, mentally, and physically—because a lot of what we see in the media (and in porn) is not always positive or healthy. And, furthermore, because my sex education was so bad (as is many, if not most, people’s) I also try to write my stories from a position of realism, so that if anyone takes anything away from my stories, it’s healthy sexual practices—the importance of consent, the use of lube, etc.

I’d also like to add that when I was a child, I was targeted and groomed by a pedophile, and my friend was groomed and eventually raped multiple times by the same man. Pedophiles sexualize and fetishize children; I think I know a thing or two about what fetishization is and how harmful it is when real people are fetishized. That, in addition to being asexual (and people like to fetishize asexuals in rape-to-cure scenarios)—it’s no wonder I have a complicated, tempestuous relationship with sex. Writing sexual stories about two consenting fictional adults as a way to explore my own sexuality and heal myself is, in my opinion, nobody else’s business but mine (and hardly comparable to the very real fetishization and trauma I have experienced in my life). And I share my stories online because it’s cathartic.

I’m sorry you feel the need to judge and police the way I think about and approach sex, and the way I express and explore my sexuality in a way that is safe for me to do so.

[system-of-a-feather]

System Tag Meme

I was tagged by @thepeanutsystem. Imma tag uh.... @thedoesystem​, @persecutor-recovery​, @bolderwords​, @reveriesystem​, @aqua---regia​, @that-one-system​, @unoriginal-hostess​, @the-dissociated-bones​, @lemon-system​, and anyone else that really wants to do this~

Ignore my weird bullet point method of answering these because like XD It looked nice for whatever reason

If your system has a name, what is it called?

We go by both “System of a Feather” and “Feathery System” primarily. It is a double reference to the core aspect of loving birds / having bird like behaviors that some of the members in our system have by both having the “feather” part and because a weird way of describing a bird is a “System of Feathers”. 

It is also a reference to the saying / joke that I used to say to some of the system when talking about DID advocacy that “Systems of a Feather stick together” in reference to the “Birds of a feather flock together.” This is both to say that members of a system that belong to the same body / feather should work together and that individuals with DID are “systems of a feather” or “birds of a feather” and that it is best that we work together to change how DID is seen by many rather than working against one another.

How many alters are in your system? Do you have any subsystems?

Currently I think we have.... 10 alters? We had a few new discovered members that are dormant since Ray and another alter that isn’t on this blog have mentioned things. We thought we might have a subsystem within myself, Iris, and another alter - but I am starting to doubt that. Save for perhaps the theory that myself and the other alter might be a subsystem of 2.

Who’s the host (and co-host, if you have one?)

That would be me- mwuah. Name’s Riku.

If you’re in school/have a job, who gets stuck with doing the most work?

Both myself and Lucille depending on our mental health at the time and the topics that we are studying. Typically if we have any too heavy stem classes like Organic Chemistry (or really anything Chemistry related since I hate it and Lucille is good at it) then usually it sways more to Lucille where as if it is more psych or animal science based, it’s more in my grounds.

How many protectors do you have? What are their name(s)?

There are a lot that could be argued to be protectors. We typically branch protectors into more specified roles since most of us would be considered protectors if we didn’t - myself and our little included. But for the sake of this question, we have three *main* protectors that kind of serve as over arching protecting roles and they are Lucille, Ray, and Aderis. I think Kira might also count, but I haven’t caught up on his role lately.

Lucille primarily is an interpersonal, emotional, and like general life responsibility protector (finances, substitute host, academics, hygiene, cleaning, physical health, diet, injuries). Ray is a trauma, stress, and generally dangerous situation / extreme emotions and abuse focused protector. Aderis used to have Ray’s job and another job we won’t state that she has primarily retired from, but she still does pick up on a lot of internal protecting and motherly duties.

Alters have their separate interests, but there any interests that all of you share?

We all generally like birds to my knowledge and all of us have an affinity and preference to have music around us. I think all of us also generally do care about the well being of others.

What’s your favorite part of your headspace? Why is it your favorite?

Well back when I used to regularly enter it, I’d probably say a really weird zero-gravity forest in an area of the inner world that was focused on escapism. It was just a weird area that I found amusing to visit. To be honest though, may it be because its the only place I can currently regularly enter and maybe its because I got used to it being my home, but I really enjoy the void that makes up the front. Like I realize it might be really boring and scaring if someone were to randomly spawn here but I find it really relaxing to just chill in an empty void of white nothingness :v

What does everyone argue over the most?

We don’t really argue over anything specific? Everyone argues about different things depending on what combo, but nothing in specific is a constant argument. I’d need to see which pair to say what is the most common arguing point.

Which headmate do you get along with the best?

Ah shit that’s fucking hard XD Lucille is probably my best “bro” and best friend, our little is my precious child that I was split off to protect and care for so she’s close to my heart, Ray is my literal asshole of a brother, and Aderis is my ex that we go back so like.... I really don’t know XD I feel bad for say this but I still think Lucille is probably the one I get along with the best with the least arguments or tensions?

What’s the most annoying thing alters do when they front?

Okay I just complimented how well we get along, but I’m still mad that he did a lecture I wanted to do yesterday. Yeah we’re nerds and the asshole trolled me by completing a lecture when I told him explicitly not to since I wanted to multitask today but no, he wanted to learn about hormones and behavior smh. >:v I mean there is not a consistent most annoying thing. 

If I were to be serious, it would be this whole rebellious streak Ray started up within the system of everyone doing very small small minor annoying things to remind me that they exist, that I am not faking, and also just to make me mad. “Who listens to the host anyways smh” is this group meme he’s started in the system XD Its not actually a problem since everything they do is really small things I said not to do and cause I’m a bit of a control freak sometimes and its kind of humorous and a good self check - but yeah

Okay nevermind, that isn’t even a serious response since I kind of find it amusing. There are a lot of things that they do individually, but I don’t think I would call most of it “annoying” as much as inconvenient - at least at the place of communication that we’ve gotten to. Few alters act too out of line to really be annoying beyond like.... moving my shit to places I can’t find, eating my food, and similar. That is probably literally the only actually annoying thing

Who goes to bed the latest when they front?

FUCKING ADERIS. Ahem. I mean Aderis. I don’t know if it is because she tends to front somewhat late at night and has this “lol I am not going to sleep right when I front fuck that” nature, but I think like, most of the time if this body is up at 4 AM or 5 AM it is probably Aderis that was out.

Who has the best taste in music?

Yes.

To be honest I think Lucille and myself in my personal opinion, but I am pretty sure we all would argue otherwise.

Free space! Tell us a random fact about your system

We are all very extra in dressing / fashion internally, but due to my cheap ass nature and laziness, 85% of the time, this body wears whatever is convenient. Only recently with Ray and Aderis complaining have we gotten somewhat stylized clothing. The other 10% is days I randomly decide to dress up in formal / professional wear cos I love it, and the 5% is the days when someone else switches early enough to choose our clothes for the day.

-Riku (Host)

[codependentcat]

Some general research

Camera & Sound Techniques / Examples of POV Short Films

POV shots are expected to be less stable, so can get away with handheld work - in fact, it would probably be worse to use a tripod.

Make sure you’re keeping the camera at eye level.

You don’t always have to use POV shots - can use others like establishing shots, close ups, cut backs, but make sure it’s nothing that takes you away from the character's perspective.

Make sure the character is “looking around” - don’t keep the camera static or it will look boring.

POV doesn’t necessarily mean “through the eyes” - it could also mean just portraying a certain story from a certain characters’ viewpoint.

POV shots don’t have to be from a person - they can be done from an object as well (often used in Breaking Bad).

Issues - you have to be creative with your edits if your whole film is happening from a single perspective; it limits your scope and perspective as you can only see so much; it’s not easy to have an emotional connection with a character when you can’t see them.

If trying to convey a person is younger this can be done by having the camera from a lower perspective.

POV could also mean what the character sees in their mind as well as through their eyes. How could we portray this? Animation? Archive? Through the use of visual metaphor?

Medical and Historical Background

Two types - care seeking (a lot of time at the doctors) and care avoidant (don’t trust doctors or think they don’t take you seriously).

There is illness anxiety disorder (hypochondria) and somatic symptom disorder (real symptoms but unable to pinpoint cause).

Possible causes: childhood trauma (child abuse and neglect); extreme stress, health anxieties or other anxiety disorders in your family; childhood illness or serious illness in your family during childhood; mental health issues such as anxiety and depression; trauma such as rape or physical abuse.

Symptoms: avoiding people or places due to worry about catching an illness; constantly researching diseases and symptoms; exaggerating symptoms and their severity (eg a cough becomes sign of lung cancer); high level of anxiety about health; obsession with normal bodily functions like heart rate; oversharing your symptoms and mental health status with others; repeatedly checking for signs of illness like checking your blood pressure or temperature; seeking reassurance from your loved ones about your symptoms or health;uneasiness with healthy bodily functions like gas or sweating; can become depressed or suicidal.

Diagnosis: seeing a mental health specialist, health professional. Top thing for diagnosis - a persistent fear of having or developing a serious illness.

Cure/treatment: medications such as anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medication or cbt to talk through fears/anxiety and learn healthy ways to cope. It could always return, and there is in most cases no curing it - treatment is about learning how to manage the disorder.

History: “The Greek word "hypochondria" roughly translates as "below the rib cage". Over the past 3,000 years it was used to explain indigestion, then melancholia, then neurosis and then, finally, "a misplaced fear of illness based on misinterpretation of bodily symptoms". Statistics have been bandied about by doctors: the equivalent of one day a week of surgery time lost to these perfectly healthy people; up to 13% of us worrying about our health when we might not have done in the past.”

“Contemporary ideas about hypochondria include these: as cave persons, we were hard-wired to worry about threat. John Naish, in his book The Hypochondriac's Handbook: A Disease for Every Occasion, An Illness for Every Symptom, points out how modern sanitation and medicine have eliminated the old dangers, but modern civilization has given us more time, money and energy to fixate on illness. There has been a huge drop in mortal illness in the western world, but a massive increase in new diagnoses. As these new "illnesses" emerge, they are over-reported and given disproportionate significance.”

“There have been two other major shifts in society. The first is the rise of the internet, which has spawned "cyberchondria". Health is now the second-most popular internet search topic after pornography. Millions of people tap symptoms and diseases into Google and wait for some dreadful outcome. I am an aficionado of these sites (my favourite is the NHS site, patients.co.uk). We terrify ourselves as we read information we do not understand and use to justify our worst fears.”

“The second change is the role of the GP. As one told me recently: "People don't trust their GPs any more. We haven't the time to give patients what they need, and it's resulted in a breakdown of trust. They go on the internet themselves." ”

More on Cyberchondria - “Cyberchondria refers to a person's anxiety about their health that is created or exacerbated by using the internet to search for medical information. A British newspaper coined the term in the early 2000s as a play on the word hypochondria. Like hypochondria, cyberchondria involves excessive anxiety about health.”

Others Experiences via Social Media

https://www.findmecure.com/blog/inside-the-soul-of-a-hypochondriac/ - detailed account of hypochondriac, many in the comments as well.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2010/jan/17/health-and-wellbeing-anxiety - article in the Guardian which has a fairly detailed account as well as some historical context.

I’m a member of some social media groups where we could share the survey.

Story Ideas / Inspiration

One experience that seems almost universal in most of the accounts I’ve been reading is the obsession with looking up symptoms. I was thinking we could do a deep dive into the illness the person thinks they have, using archive material and research to create a kind of mini film within the documentary which would try to portray how absorbing this aspect of the illness can be. Maybe before the film it could be daylight, then once it’s done it’s dark? Also maybe afterwards when the character is lying in bed when they close their eyes the film starts playing again? This could also be a good way to use some archive material so we had less filming to do.

Do we begin with what caused the health anxiety or do we just flash back to this? Also, how do we end - does the character get better?

Goals of the Documentary

To paint a picture of what it is really like for someone with health anxiety - often they are seen as attention seekers or faking it, and people become frustrated with them, but it’s a real illness which can have dramatic effects on peoples’ lives. 

Sources

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DG5pkGTJqWM - a 50 min documentary that was on c4 which follows 4 people with health anxiety as they try to get better.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iu6Ooht4bAA&feature=emb_imp_woyt - short animation (soundscape?).

Tormented Hope: Nine Hypochondriac Lives - book which is commonly referenced in articles and discussions on hypochondria.

[khymer-vulture]

Ayy, finally done proofreading. I hope you guys like it.

Another side-story for the Our Bond series. (set in the middle of Last Chapters, so Caleb isn’t born yet.)

*Ray’s dreams become haunted by an old and familiar tormentor.

Life for Isaac and Rachel have been going beautifully during their times together. From being runaway fugitives to living in a home to call their own - and as man and wife, no less. Every day seemed like a new step to take, and a new discovery to be made for their soul mate. This was indeed the foundation of a perfect family she long desired, she had someone who viewed her life as precious and not a burden. For Zack, Rachel was his rock, she was what made him truly feel human again, and draw out the innocent pieces of him that remained hidden deep within his scarred soul. Each shattered piece of their past seemed to become an elaborate puzzle that the two of them dedicated their years piecing together into something that made them whole.

 They were whole.

 As time went by, and the two continued their plans on building their own family, Rachel seemed to feel a sense of dread, mostly in her sleep. She hasn’t had nightmares in the longest time thanks to the warm and secure embrace of her husband, but now it seemed the nightmares were back with a vengeance.

 Rachel fidgeted and squirmed from mental discomfort as her mind began to plague her with bits of her past, her parents belittling her as well as one another, pinning blame for their problems on everything but themselves, to even the physical trauma.

 No, not again. This was the past, and it should stay in the past. Rachel was a woman now, she had her own free will, she was building more self-confidence by the day, and she felt loved by…

 “A serial killer…how sad and pathetic…” a voice called out.

 In front of Ray was a blurred manifestation of her father, it had been so long that she had even forgotten what his own face looked like. Yet, his spiteful voice was something she couldn’t forget at all.

 “You really are some sort of psycho…” he spoke again, “the only people that you can associate with are other lunatics…especially a vicious murderer like him. You both seem to be made for each other, isn’t that right, you little hell spawn?”

 Rachel was feeling her childhood anxiety take hold, she wanted to prove this manifestation wrong, there was lots more to Zack than just his infamy. She could even feel herself shrink back into the broken little girl as her dreams took root.

 “You even gave your disgusting body to him, like the freaking Whore of Babylon…” the taunts continued, “just how vile can you get?”

 “Stop…” Rachel pleaded, her arms huddled around herself as a false security blanket. “I’m not disgusting, I’m not vile, I’m…”

 “Oh, enough bullshitting…a bloodthirsty killer like him is obviously enjoying the free ride you’re giving him…” the blurred vision of her father interrupted, “…you’ve even bred a little demon with him…pretty sure that little imp is going to be just as seriously fucked up as the two of you…hell, your ‘lover boy’ might hightail it out before your misery-bringing-self drags him down too...”

 Ray shook her head, she refused to believe every demeaning word that escaped her tormentor’s lips. The thought of the child growing inside her eventually becoming just as mad as their parents, or even the thought of Zack leaving her side was causing her anxiety to spike. Her heart raced as she felt her insides twist into a thousand knots, and her own head began attacking her with insecurities.

 “Ray…Ray!...Wake up!” a voice called out.

 Rachel’s eyes shot open as she gasped for air, she quickly sat up and gripped at the sides of her head, the woman was clearly still shaken up by her dream. Soon, came the feeling of large arms surrounding her into a comforting embrace, a familiar sensation of both love and safety. Zack gently nuzzled the top of Ray’s head to help calm her nerves, it had been a long while since she had nightmares for him to chase away.

 “Calm down, alright? Deep breaths…” Zack softly whispers.

 “Please keep talking…” the woman pleaded. “please…I…I just need to hear something…”

 Zack raised a brow, clearly something unhinged her very badly, but he complied. If nightmares were what frightened her, then maybe bringing up some good memories would help clear away the darkness. The man leaned closely to her ear and began to whisper the tender moments they shared throughout the years - their reunion, their first night together, watching Rachel blossom into a beautiful and steadfast woman, to even their first kiss.

 “Shit Ray…no matter how many times we locked lips, I still think our first one was always the best to remember…”

 Rachel was no longer a nervous wreck, she couldn’t help but smile to the memories, even hear her husband’s point of view with his colorful commentary. Soon, she was leaning against Zack and wrapped her arms around him, giving him a simple peck on the cheek to let him know that she was alright.

 “Thank you, Zack…that was all I needed…”

 “So, what happened? Shit, I haven’t seen you this freaked out in years…” Zack asked.

 Rachel faintly sighed as her hands began to slide down and bundle at the sheets piled at her knees, her eyes had a familiar look to them, that hollow and dead look. Zack grit his teeth that something as bad as a nightmare would make such an expression return.

 “Look…Ray…I don’t want to stress you out…” Zack said, “Whatever it was…I can tell it must’ve been some serious shit. It’s none of that execution nonsense like before, right?”

 Ray slowly shook her head, “No…it was much worse…I saw my parents again…especially my dad – at least, what I can remember much of him.”

 That answer surprised Zack a bit, a terrible old haunt, that explained the dulled look returning to her eyes.

 “I could hear his voice so clearly, like he was mocking me from beyond the grave. Disgusting, vile, and pathetic to only feel loved by a serial killer…” Rachel murmured, then began to let slip a sniffle.

 The woman was about to break down, Zack brought his arms to hold her close yet again.

 “Hey…enough…” Zack shushed, “Didn’t uh...didn’t one of your books say to not get stressed? It’s not good for you and the little pipsqueak…”

 Zack then lightly poked at Rachel’s belly, it was a little protruded from the growing child within.

 Rachel wiped a tear away, then faintly smiled to herself – serial killer or no, Zack was genuinely concerned for her health and the health of their unborn.

 “Yeah…it did say that…you’ve gotten better at reading, Zack,” she answered with a faint sniffle.

 Zack had a proud and humble grin on his face, but in all seriousness, the words Rachel’s supposed “father” said even irked him.

 “Yer’ dad was a cop, right?”

 Rachel lightly nodded.

 “Who in the fuck gave him the right to say that shit? That miserable bag of dicks is a man of the law and couldn’t even fucking practice what he preached. The real sad thing is that a serial killer does know how to love someone better than a god damn pig like him can…” Zack boldly stated, “If he shows up in your dream again, tell him straight up I said that.”

 “You won’t leave me, right?” Ray asked.

 “Did he say that shit too?” Zack growled. Then let out a huff of frustration, “The only way I’m leaving is with my last fucking breath, Ray. Until then, you’re stuck with me.”

 Zack then grabbed her by the hips in a slight pouncing manner, he made sure to be gentle with her, and heard her let out a surprised laugh as he playfully kissed and nibbled at her neck. It’s been a while since he did engage in a type of playful behavior, but hearing her laugh was damn worth it. His attempt at soothing her worries was indeed working like a charm.

 “No way in hell I’m gonna leave…” Zack said, “Hey…look, your shitty parents are gone. I don’t know what’s bringing those memories back. Just remember where you are now, you’re a grown woman – fucking beautiful, even. You’re living in a house, all neatly kept n’ shit. Hell, you got that garden you worked so damn hard on. Fuck, Ray…you’re living the dream. Not to mention, you got the fearsome Isaac Foster, and I’ll happily slaughter hundreds who dare to say otherwise…”

 Isaac had that predatory gleam in his golden eye, he truly did mean it - if he could jump into her dreams, he’d keep his word.

 The hollowed look from before was now gone, much to Zack’s relief, he leaned down to give her a small and tender kiss on the lips before letting her get back into a comfortable position to sleep.

 “Thank you, Zack…”

 “Get some good dreams this time,” Zack replied.

 Soon Zack wrapped his arms around his wife, their usual big spoon, little spoon position. The two eventually drifted off into the spell of sleep.

 The dreams returned, Rachel felt uneasy, but she mentally repeated the words Zack said. Before her, was the hazy image of her father again, Ray felt a small bit of determination to confront her inner demons.

 “Happy with your crazy family? Quit trying to sugar coat the truth to make yourself feel better…”

 Rachel clenched a fist, she refused to be swayed.

 Soon, came the blurred image of her mother, “A worthless thing like you should stop playing ‘make believe’. There is no happily ever after. It’ll only be a matter of time until he turns on you too…until you end up like us…”

 “A filthy girl like you can’t do anything right…” the voices chanted.

 Rachel felt the unease build stronger until she had enough, “I will hear no more! I am happy where I am, I don’t regret being with Zack. I know what kind of person he is, so what? He’s still a human being, he expresses emotions, he feels pain, and can admit his own faults! The both of you never shown a single sliver of that, all you ever did was fight, scream, and place blame instead of owning up to your own mistakes!”

 “Why you little…” the mother angrily growled, then began to raise a hand to strike at her.

 Rachel was there to catch it, she had an expression on her face that clearly said – I am not afraid.

 “If my current life counts as sugar coating, I don’t even want to know what you’d call that life back then. I’m a grown woman, I choose the paths I take in my life. I don’t need to hear the words of a couple dead-beat corpses to break me again.”

 Then her eyes directed over to the manifestation of her father, “It’s sadder that a cop like you was a poor excuse for a husband. Zack cares for me in every way, he cares for my health, my sanity, and my happiness. Despite your ‘moral differences’, a killer like him knows how to love someone compared to a drunk and downtrodden man of the law. Compared to you and mother, we’re truly a normal couple. There will be no more biased opinions coming from the two of you…you’re all just a bad dream, and nothing more.”

 Dream or no, she felt damn satisfied to finally stand up to her parents, even just a mere representation.

 The dark manifestations of her parents fizzled away like ashes, and she began to feel a huge sense of relief. Possibly stress and doubt had been building up unknowingly to allow her mind to concoct such a nasty illusion, if that were the case, she was glad that Zack enabled her to stand up to her old demons.

 Morning had risen, and Rachel slowly opened her eyes. She wasn’t surrounded by darkness, but in the comforts of a large bed shared by her spouse, she could feel their combined warmth wrap her up so safely and securely. Her happy life and not a troubling nightmare.

 Soon, she could hear the familiar and tired grumbles coming from Zack, he must be waking up as well. Normally, she’d just let him sleep in, but given the situation last night, he must still be worried.

 “Mmh? You’re up? Mornin’ Ray…” Zack mumbled as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes.

 “Morning Zack,” Ray replied with a smile.

 “Sleep better this time?” Zack asked, he leaned close to give her neck a couple kisses.

 “I did…I feel a lot better, I told my nightmares off,” Rachel said as she turned to face him, “I also told my dad what you said…”

 “Oh yeah?”

 Rachel lightly nodded, “It felt really damn good…”

 Zack couldn’t help but chuckle, then gave her a peck on the forehead, “Atta girl…take no bullshit!”

 The man then sat up on the bed, helping Ray up as well, “Come on, let’s go take a quick shower…”

 That sounded really nice right about now, a time to wash away all the worries before starting the new day, and with someone she was sharing her life with – even to the point of starting a new one with him.

 Whatever wanted to fill her with fear and doubt would have to fight harder, she wasn’t going to allow herself to break again, she wasn’t going to allow anything to tear her life with Zack apart by any means necessary and wouldn’t hesitate to confront any foe that would dare try. If that line of defense was broken, then they sure as hell had Isaac to deal with.

 If this kind of life wasn’t considered a happily ever after, then she’d refuse to believe what anything else was.

[stardustings]

@manysimples likewise I am enjoying hearing your thoughts. I reblogged a post here which I think compliments your first argument nicely. I haven’t considered the witnessing of the act as a benefit to those most affected. However I still think there is space for consideration as to whether the weight of that catharsis is more or less than the weight of possible ills it could also spawn? For me (as, again, this is all just a personal view and keep in mind that my own moral conclusions on the matter really affect no one but me in puzzling out my own ethical guidelines!) the gratification of the act doesn’t hold that much weight. Nor does the “gratification” of the death penalty (I used to think there was a place for it actually but I’ve since changed my mind) or other punishments that err on the side of revenge provide sufficient change/goods for me to find them worth it. That’s where I’m coming from with that, but I do not think there is a universally applicable answer to my questions because it’s down to individual view. I don’t mean to tell people what to think or how to feel. I am simply extending my own point of view and personal feelings on the matter.

I’m putting the rest under a cut because this is SO long, and I’m sorry if this is exhausting haha.

For the second, I didn’t even consider that I was implying acceptance of the act as a universal condoning of the use of violence. I suppose it can come across that way. It’s just that I personally hold the only way to find an outline of moral truths is by applying universals which anyone is free to disagree with but it’s what makes the most sense to me. I never said that everyone will always use violence against someone they don’t agree with because they agreed with this one act, and if I did imply accidentally that I do apologise because it wasn’t my intended argument. My only real concern in this context is that behaviour such as this sets a (social) precedent that I think is very susceptible to manipulation and using for means that are more harmful than good. 

Thirdly, I don’t think the good-heartedness and kindness of individuals has anything to do with their right to basic safety. I just believe no one deserves to be hurt. It is a universal truth I hold onto even when I myself don’t follow it, you understand? This seems to be what people are having trouble coming to grips with and I think it’s this tumblr mentality that if it’s deemed “bad” by anyone then suddenly it’s off-limits. Sometimes this mindset has its applications, but here it does not. I can find it morally wrong to punch someone but that doesn’t mean I can always say with certainty that I will never punch anyone. I have full capacity to act against what I find morally right. I also don’t think my personal life and experiences have much to do with it! I don’t know how much I’m comfortable saying but I can say with assurance that I’ve been subject to both emotional and physical abuse and it’s offensive to imply that someone who has survived trauma would condone such an act and that I have somehow been untouched because I do not. 

Fourth, pacifism, like feminism or any other way of attempting to understand and correct the ills of this world, is not one uniform movement. While I deeply respect MLK I do not have to agree with absolutely every turn of phrase he invoked, and just because he invoked that phrase does not mean it is not turned against pacifists. The words of pacifists have been stolen, twisted, and wilfully misinterpreted by average people and governments alike since pre-WWI right up to now. I understand now that you in particular did not mean it in this light but you can understand how I might raise my defences over its use, surely? I also try to be careful about speaking too much on US issues for the reasons you pointed out, but this is literally the one thing I’ve decided to speak up about because I think it transcends national bounds. America’s political system also transcends national bounds a hell of a lot so I also believe that while due weight should be given to actual American voices, international voices cannot and should not be excluded either. 

Fifth, to be a bit clearer about “moral authority” in simple terms: Person A enacts violence against Person B based on the fact that Person B enacted violence. So Person A is condemning Person’s B act... by engaging in that exact same act? I can see how some people might find this morally just, which is fine. The death penalty continues to exist imo at least partially because so many people find this a perfectly acceptable means of dealing with something. But to me, personally, it just doesn’t make sense as a justification. I can’t make it balance in my head. Admittedly though I am a much more binary/logical thinker and I understand that an emotionally-driven basis could change the way this is viewed? I am not sure. I try to be balanced!

And for your last paragraph, I agree. Like I said above, to paint something as immoral and my actual actions are two different things. If someone grabbed me or my friends at a bar I’d punch them out too. Well, I’d try. Because, y’know, the world cannot be understood in moral binaries and devoid of the emotional elements. But my argument wasn’t meant to encapsulate this aspect. My opinion shifts into more of a grey area when the emotion and individual aspects is brought into it. To me, it’s a separate though linked argument, if that makes sense?