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andrewmoocow · 2 years

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Little Homeworld Life chapter 6: A Fandom Divided (originally posted on September 19, 2022)

AN: For today's episode, shipping destroys lives! In other news, water is wet, chocolate chip cookies are awesome, and all companies do not care about anything other than money. Okay, I'm getting ahead of myself. As I foreshadowed last episode, this installment is literally just the Amphibia episode Civil Wart, except it's not a fan war fueled by sibling rivalry. Instead, it serves as an echo of how toxic shippers can get in general, and trust me, I've seen enough incidents like these to know what I'm talking about. In addition, this will include a reference to a certain incident in the Steven Universe fandom from many years ago that I've been wanting to reference in all my SU fanfiction for years. So, without further ado, let the chaos commence.

Synopsis: Lapis and Peridot try to get everyone into Camp Pining Hearts, but they don't account for the resulting division between Gems who ship Percy/Pierre vs Gems shipping Percy/Paulette.

Cast:

Shelby Rabara as Peridot, Squaridot

Jennifer Paz as Lapis, Laz, Zuli

Estelle as Garnet

Michaela Dietz as Amethyst, Percy/Edward Christian, Blue Lace Agate, Ocean Jasper, Crazy Lace Agate, Tiger's Eye

Deedee Magno-Hall as Pearl, Paulette/Bella Anastasia, Yellow Pearl, Blue Pearl, Volleyball

Uzo Aduba as Bismuth

Kimberly Brooks as Jasper, Cherry Quartz, Angel Aura Quartz, Zebra Jasper, Biggs Jasper

Noël Wells as Black Rutile

Casey Lee Williams as Cat's Eye

Amy Sedaris as Teal Zircon

Lauren Ash as White Topaz

Della Saba as Aquamarine

Charlyne Yi as Eyeball, Navy, Doc, Army, Leggy

Christine Pedi as Holly Blue Agate

Ian Jones-Quartey as Snowflake Obsidian, Bixbite

Michelle Maryk as Larimar

Aparna Nancherla as Nephrite

Auli'I Cravalho as Orange Spodumene

Kimiko Glenn as Blue Chalcedony

Phillipa Soo as Chrysocolla

Anika Noni Rose as Watermelon Tourmalines

Aimee Carrero as Moonstone

Tara Strong as Grossular Diopside

Tara Platt as Cubic Zirconias

Jinkx Monsoon as Emerald

Kari Wahlgren as Pyrope

Melissa Fahn as Demantoid

Hayley Kiyoko as Morganite

Gal Gadot as Desert Glass

Willa Holland as Albite

Maddie Ziegler as Serpentine

Courtenay Taylor as Beryl

Martha Higerada as Topaz

Alex Newell as Monazite

Billy West as Hunter

Featuring Jensen Ackles as Pierre/Jacob Steele

On a beautiful night in Little Homeworld, all the Gem inhabitants had gathered around a large projector screen that Lapis and Peridot set up for a movie night for everyone. "Face front true believers," Peridot theatrically announced. "for in just a few short moments; you shall bear witness to the greatest television program this planet has ever conceived!"

"Ooh, is it Challenge of Castles?!" Teal raised her hand. "That show is amazing!"

"No way, The Gandolfinis is way better!" Watermelon Tourmaline debated.

"I'm personally more a fan of Black and White Are The New Blue." Desert Glass commented. "I find myself really connecting with everyone being brutally imprisoned, for some reason."

"All of you, be quiet!" Peridot barked, stopping the argument before it could go too far. "Those shows are all great, but none can ever come close to the quality cinema that is Camp Pining Hearts! It's got everything you could ask for! Romance, drama!"

"Attractive humans getting into over-the-top situations," Lapis added. "Everyone getting mad at each other for stupid reasons. "

"And best of all, the single greatest shipping ever conceived by human brains, but we want it to be up to you!" Peridot declared before Pearl stepped on stage between her and Lapis.

"Thank you for the introduction, girls, but are you sure this is a good idea?" Pearl asked the duo. "I don't want everyone to start arguing which of these "ships" are superior to the point of getting toxic and harming each other. Like that one Crying Breakfast Friends fan-artist Steven really likes who was bullied into nearly committing suicide because she drew Sad Spoon to be too skinny."

"Oh, come on, Pearl, I'm sure this will be nothing like that incident!" Peridot answered while pushing Pearl away. "Now then, this episode, in particular, is considered to be the finest in all of Camp Pining Hearts, across both the amazing original series and its abysmal reboot!"

"It's called "Hunting Season" from Season 2, the best season in our eyes." Lapis continued. "Now, without further ado, let the show begin. Is it ready, Garnet?!"

"Ready and raring to go, Lapis." Garnet agreed as she turned the episode on and projected it onto the big screen.

"This is going to be so exciting!" Peridot muttered eagerly at the prospect of exposing her special interest to more and more Gems. "I can't wait for everyone to share my opinions!"

"Dude, not everyone will think the same way as you." Amethyst disagreed as she snacked on some popcorn. "You just gotta accept that everyone has different opinions."

"Yeah, like I refuse ever to accept that your ways are what's best for everyone." Black Rutile added snarkily.

"See, like her." Amethyst stated while gesturing to Black Rutile.

"Finally, one of you agrees with me!" Black Rutile sighed in delight. "Looks like I finally converted a Crystal Gem to my cause!"

"What? No." Amethyst corrected the Rutile. "I'm just using you as an example. It'll be a cold day in the Kindergarten before you brainwash anyone of us, though!"

"Spoilsport." Black Rutile pouted as the episode continued.

"Shh, be vewy, vewy quiet." A brown-clad hunter told the audience while tiptoeing through the forest. "I'm hunting for a deew. Ahahahaha." Just then, the hunter spotted a majestic white-tailed deer grazing in the distance and excitedly prepared his rifle. "Oh, a deew!" he exclaimed. "A femawe deew!"

Elsewhere, a handsome young man with brown hair was exploring the great outdoors with a spring in his steps and stars in his eyes. "Nature truly is a wonderful thing." Pierre muttered to himself with a dashing grin. "And I'm more than happy to experience it with dear friends like Percy." Just then, Pierre spotted a white-tailed deer peacefully grazing, unaware of the hunter ready to shoot it down with his rifle. "Oh no, that innocent doe is in trouble!"

"Come on, big guy, just stay wight whewe I want you to be." The hunter smirked to himself before he found Pierre racing into his line of sight. "Gadzooks! Boy, get out of dah way!"

"No, I won't let you hurt this innocent deer!" Pierre exclaimed as he got in front of the doe to protect it, only to be shot in his torso by the hunter and fell to the ground as the doe got spooked and ran away.

"Oh my, you okay thewe spowt?" the hunter frantically realized his error and raced to Pierre's aid. "I am so sowwy widdle boy, I was just doing my job, but then you got in the way!"

"I'm not little; I'm 16." Pierre groaned and revealed his age, which was way younger than the actor playing him. "Please, go to Camp Pining Hearts and find help. Please, my life depends on it!"

"Don't wowwy, I'll do what I can!" the hunter replied bravely and ran off to find help, leaving Pierre to lie there on the ground, blood staining his uniform as he tried not to give into his injuries.

"Come on, sir, hurry up." Pierre groaned in pain while trying to pluck the bullet from his abdomen when he heard footsteps. "Wow, that was fast."

"Pierre!" a blonde camper cried out as he raced to Pierre's side. "That hunter told me what happened! Are you all right?!"

"It's fine, Percy, now that you're here." Pierre weakly answered while gazing longingly into Percy's eyes. "I was out and about in the woods earlier when I found that a hunter was trying to kill this innocent deer. I was able to protect it, but now it seems like I might not have much time left."

"Don't worry, Pierre; I'll get you back to camp," Percy said as he began bridal-carrying Pierre and took him away from the forest clearing. "You're one of my best friends, Pierre."

"You too, Percy." Pierre grinned happily.

As the episode continued, the Gems were enraptured in the drama that ensued from Pierre's sacrifice, and even began crying when it seemed like he was going to die from the bullet wound. But thankfully, Percy was there to help Pierre every step of the way, and eventually, their bond was what saved Pierre from death in the cheesiest fashion imaginable. Peridot was utterly delighted to see such a standing ovation from the adoring audience that had just watched her favorite show and now was eager to ask what their thoughts were on it and whether they were as hardcore shippers of Percy and Pierre as she was.

"Thank you, thank you, everyone!" Peridot exclaimed as she got back up on stage. "It delights me so much to see everyone like the same things I do! This reminds me of one crucial question. After watching this episode, are you all Piercy shippers now?!"

"Meh, take it or leave it." Cat's Eye smugly answered while checking her manicure, inciting gasps from every other audience member. "I didn't really see any romantic tension between the two. I think they're more like brothers than lovers. Besides, Paulette deserves better from this fandom you speak of."

"You bite your tongue!" Teal Zircon yelled at Cat from the other side of the audience. "Pierre and Percy bring out the best in each other! Pierre learns how to be gentler around Percy, while Percy learns how to stand up for himself more from Pierre! They are the best CPH ship!"

"Oh, you just like them together because they're two cute human boys who think deserve to spend all of their screentime making out with each other!" Cat began bickering with Teal. "You keep assuming the worst about everything Paulette does, and she was barely even in this episode!"

"Now, let's settle down for a bit." Peridot tried to ease the tension between the arguing pair. "While yes, Pierre and Percy are the best pairing in Camp Pining Hearts, and Paulette has no place in the camp's hierarchy, that's no reason to start arguing with each other!"

"I told you so." Pearl nervously responded to Peridot in a sing-song voice as the conflict reached its boiling point.

"Everyone who ships Percy and Pierre, form up with me!" Teal commanded, followed by Orange Spodumene, the Watermelon Tourmalines, Doc, Leggy, Bixbite, Tiger's Eye, Yellow Pearl, Ocean Jasper, Crazy Lace, Chrysocolla, Serpentine, Grossular Diopside, Beryl, Holly Blue, Nephrite, Angel Aura Quartz, Zuli, Desert Glass, Morganite, and Navy all gathering up behind her.

"Is that so?" Cat's Eye purred. "Well, if you support Percy with Paulette, then join my side!" As she ordered, Army, Topaz, Monazite, Emerald, Demantoid, Pyrope, Blue Pearl, Volleyball, the Cubic Zirconias, Moonstone, Blue Chalcedony, Snowflake Obsidian, Larimar, Albite, Zebra Jasper, Biggs Jasper, Laz, Squaridot, and Cherry Quartz assembling beside her.

"Well, where do all of you stand?" Teal asked Garnet, Amethyst, Pearl, Peridot, Lapis, Bismuth, Black Rutile, and White Topaz as they were forced into the middle of this new conflict.

"Nope, I don't want to know where this is going!" Black Rutile declared as she got up and prepared to leave, only to come back moments later to speak with Cat's Eye. "But keep this up for as long as you can; it'll keep everyone distracted while I keep working on the Vortexxer."

"I think we're going to take a neutral stance here." Bismuth proclaimed. "This is an absolutely ridiculous reason to start fighting, so I suggest we find a way to end this peacefully before it all goes too far!"

"Me, personally, I find this to be a huge waste of time." Jasper added her opinions. "I mean, none of these humans are even real! Is there really any reason to obsess over the love lives of fictional characters?!"

"Okay, that I can agree with!" Black Rutile agreed with Jasper from afar. Suddenly, the two warring factions of shippers all began yelling as they marched away from the impromptu theater, leaving the Crystal Gems alone.

"I figured things would turn out like this." Garnet declared.

"You mean you knew this was going to happen and never told me?!" Peridot yelled. "Some leader you turned out to be!"

"Hey, chillax, everyone." Lapis said calmingly. "At least things can't get worse than this, right? Right?"

The next day, it got worse. Overnight, the entire town was split down the middle between Teal Zircon and the Gems who shipped Pierre with Percy, and the Gems who sided with Cat's Eye by shipping Percy with Paulette, leaving the Crystal Gems forced into the middle of the situation both figuratively and literally.

"It's ominous how much this echoes shipping debates on the Internet." Peridot mused in horror of what new spore of madness she had unleashed.

"But now it's in real life!" Lapis added, just as terrified.

"Were things on your Earth technology resolved with peace and kindness, perhaps?" Jasper asked sarcastically.

"Oh, far from it." Amethyst answered. "I mean, see for yourself!"

"Archers, fire your hateful fanfictions!" Teal commanded Crazy Lace, Serpentine, Nephrite, and Yellow Pearl before the four Gems launched stacks of paper from arrows at the Gems on the opposing side.

"Your fantasies are null compared to our superior writing skills!" Yellow Pearl barked at the enemy shippers.

"You call this superior writing skills?!" Albite exclaimed as she read through one of the fanfictions. "Everyone in this story is completely out of character for the sake of your sexual desires! And why is everyone so obsessed with feet all of a sudden?"

"Oh no, I fired the wrong one!" Yellow Pearl yelled in realization. "Quick, throw it back so I can burn it!"

"Too late; I'm gonna read this to everyone!" Albite laughed as she walked away to continue embarrassing Yellow Pearl.

"Really, you and the feet?" Serpentine asked a blushing Yellow Pearl.

"I just admire their complex anatomy, that's all!" Yellow Pearl tried lying her way out of an awkward situation before speed-walking away.

Meanwhile, on the Percy/Paulette side, Blue Pearl was hard at work on her latest masterpiece, which Volleyball had taken an interest in. "Oh hey, Blue, what are you working on?"

"Just this amazing Percy/Paulette fanart I've poured my heart into." Blue Pearl replied while showing off an immaculate painting of a romantic moment between the two CPH characters. "The lake symbolizes how the waters may be rough, but they will always have each other's backs. And the moon is evocative of how bright their future will be together."

"Oh, that is amazing symbolism!" Volleyball complimented the other Pearl's work. "And what about their big mustaches?"

"Their what?" Blue Pearl asked before she turned to discover that her precious artwork had been defaced. "Who could have done this to me?!" She immediately got her answer in the form of Doc and Leggy laughing raucously as they scampered off, indicating that they were the culprits. "You rotten, no good antis! I'll get you two for this!"

"We'd like to see you try without going over the line!" Doc cackled evilly while pointing at the line splitting Little Homeworld in two, proving to Blue Pearl that any hope of getting revenge was nonexistent.

"We have to find a way to resolve this without anyone getting seriously hurt!" Garnet declared. "Peridot, Lapis, I suggest you try getting the leaders to see reason first before everyone can agree to a truce, and we can reset everything to normal again."

"We won't let you down, Garnet!" Peridot saluted dutifully along with Lapis.

"I don't see this going horribly wrong." Lapis added before the two split up and took off for both sides of the war, Peridot marching towards Teal's side while Lapis strolled to meet with Cat's Eye.

"What if Lapis was right?" White Topaz asked worriedly. "What if this does go wrong? The two of them are freakishly powerful, so who knows what could happen?"

"This is the best thing that has ever happened to this good-for-nothing prison!" Black Rutile cheered as she, Aquamarine, and Eyeball watched the civil war between Teal and Cat from the comforts of Black Rutile's house as the trio continued work on the Vortexxer. "Everyone is so distracted by such a silly concept; they're all completely oblivious to what I have planned!"

"To be fair, my Rutile, they've been pretty oblivious for a while." Aquamarine said to her master. "I find it odd that no one has gotten at least some sort of a clue about what we're doing."

"Eh, best to keep it all a secret, it makes the eventual reveal all the more shocking." Eyeball said while snacking from a bucket of popcorn just as the door opened. "Oh hey kitty, we thought you were dead."

"Oh please, as if I'd die in these silly circumstances!" Cat boasted while perching herself upon the incomplete Vortexxer like a cat.

"Hey, get off! That's delicate equipment you're toying with!" Black Rutile commanded her feline crony to leave her project alone. "Now, give me a status report!"

"This little squabble has been tepid for the most part, but it's only a matter of time before everything explodes into full-on war!" Cat's Eye purred while turning the wall behind her into a scratching post. "Which reminds me, my Rutile, do you ship Percy with Pierre or Paulette? I do hope it's Paulette. Your tactical genius would be of great use to our cause!"

"I don't care either way!" Black Rutile answered as she continued work on the portal. "Like, they're not even real; why should we care so much about the love lives of those who don't even exist?"

"I certainly agree, my Rutile." Eyeball added. "It just makes no sense how obsessive humans get with fictional characters."

"Now, Ruby, no need to judge people for their opinions." Aquamarine jokingly chided her sidekick. "But really, this is all just one futile and stupid gesture."

"Darn, I was really hoping to get at least one of you in on this." Cat moaned in defeat. "But regardless, I still think we could be winning!" Just then, Cat heard a knock on Black Rutile's door. "Just a moment, I need to take this." She then stepped outside to see Cherry Quartz standing there. "What do you want?"

"One of the Crystal Gems wishes to speak with you." Cherry stated with a salute. "It's Lapis Lazuli."

"Oh, goody." Cat's Eye responded with a visible grimace. "Let me guess, are they trying to settle our war peacefully?"

"I believe so." Cherry stated. "Come, she says it's of the utmost importance."

"Well, she better make this quick." Cat said as she began following Cherry. "I got some fanfiction to do a dramatic reading of in an hour."

Meanwhile, in the domain of Teal Zircon and her Percy/Pierre shippers, Peridot had just arrived and was ready to make a stand against this madness so everyone could enjoy Camp Pining Hearts in peace. However, Teal's subordinates were all tough nuts for her to crack.

"HALT, WHO GOES THERE?!" the Watermelon Tourmaline duo yelled as they stood guarding the greenhouse Teal had made into her impromptu palace. "NOBODY GETS IN TO SEE THE GRAND SHIPPER OF PIERRE AND PERCY, NOT NOBODY, NOT NOHOW!"

"But I do ship them!" Peridot exclaimed. "Just let me in; I need to talk with Teal!"

"Oh, I see you are a Gem of culture as well. My mistake." The Watermelon Tourmaline fusion realized her error. "Let her in, Puffy. She's good people."

"Now that's a horse of a different color. Come on in." The other Watermelon Tourmaline said as the duo let Peridot pass into the greenhouse. The plants were still there, but now it was filled with Gems dressed in CPH cosplay acting out romantic scenarios between Percy and Pierre.

"But Pierre, I'm afraid we cannot be together!" Desert Glass dramatically stated. "I am in love with another person!"

"Who, who could this other person be?" Nephrite asked with equal amounts of cheese.

"It is my twin brother!" Desert Glass exclaimed, eliciting gasps of shock and excitement.

"Twin brother? Spicy!" Zuli muttered as she applauded the duo's act. "But not as spicy as the dog bit!"

"Where do they keep coming up with these lewd ideas?" Holly Blue agreed as Peridot awkwardly walked past the applauding audience to meet with Teal Zircon.

"Um, hello there." Peridot greeted her fellow shippers of Percy and Pierre. "Is Teal Zircon still here? I'd like to have a word with her about this conflict."

"Don't you worry, we'll grab her, and she'll be here in a jiffy." Serpentine answered politely as she raced to find their superior, who was busy snacking on grapes like a Roman emperor while Navy served as her footrest. "Um, Lord Teal, we have a visitor who wishes to meet with you."

"Send her in." Teal said with a mouth full of grapes as Peridot was shunted forward by Angel Aura Quartz and Crazy Lace. "I am Teal Zircon, the great and powerful!" she proclaimed loudly. "State your business or get out of my sight!"

"I came here to inform you that this conflict is utterly preposterous!" Peridot made her case against the shipping war. "Fandom is supposed to bring everyone together, no matter who they are or what they ship! Isn't that just as important as your OTP?"

Teal took some time to contemplate Peridot's question while continuing to munch on grapes before she came up with a question of her own. "You know, Peridot, your plea for peace makes me want to ask you something." She said. "What do you ship, little one?"

"Um, Percy and Pierre?" Peridot nervously replied. "I don't feel like this question will lead to anything good."

"On the contrary, it could lead to many good things!" Teal responded happily. "Join me, and together we can rule the Camp Pining Hearts fanbase as shippers in arms!"

"While I do admire that you're taking my earlier message of togetherness to heart, I don't think you're doing it right!" Peridot objected to TZ's offer. "The other Crystal Gems and I just wanted everyone to get along!"

"But now you can get along with us! What do you say?" Teal continued exhorting. "One of us, one of us! Gooble gobble, one of us!"

"We accept her, we accept her!" Teal's subordinates began chanting for Peridot to join them. "One of us, one of us!"

"Uh, I still don't know, you guys." Peridot responded awkwardly. "I mean, as I said, we all have different opinions, and we should respect them!"

"Oh, this is more than just a difference in opinions." Teal declared in response. "We will soon be at war with our enemies, and we need a Gem as smart as you to aid us in the coming battle! We would've recruited Black Rutile, but she rejected because this is utterly ridiculous."

"Can't believe I'm saying this, but she has a point!" Peridot continued debating with Teal. "You know what, fine! I'll join you only if you agree to stop this madness!"

"Don't you worry, Dottie, I'm a Gem of my word." Teal solemnly swore to Peridot while also crossing her fingers behind her back. "Now come with me. We have much to discuss." She then took Peridot by her tiny green hand and led her deeper into the greenhouse, where some more Gems had made a makeshift war room. "We must prepare for war."

As for Lapis, she had arrived at Cat's Eye's side of Little Homeworld, where the feline Gem ruled from atop the whirly-bird tower while being entertained by watching episodes of CPH where Percy was paired with Paulette, with her minions all huddled around the TV with her.

"Uh, hey, everyone." Lapis greeted the Percy/Paulette shippers, who all turned to look up at her flying above them. "I'm just here on the other Crystal Gems' orders to tell you all that this whole war is a huge waste of time, and we should respect everyone else's opinions and stuff."

"Let me guess, I suppose Peridot is off trying to convince the enemy the same thing?" Laz asked as her old friend touched down on the ground to confront Cat's Eye.

"Exactly." Lapis said to Laz before turning to Cat. "Please, Cat, I know you hate me for being a Crystal Gem, and I hate you because you're so unbelievably smug and obnoxious, but I want you to listen. This conflict sucks! I mean, going to war just because someone has a different opinion than you? That pettiness is only reserved for the Internet, not real life!"

"Oh please, you think this is like a cartoon where you can make everything better in just a few minutes flat?!" Cat scoffed at Lapis's plea. "You need to let it go, little girl. You are indeed correct that this is the real life, not just a fantasy!"

"Exactly, and it's time we face reality!" Lapis proclaimed. "People have different opinions, and we must respect that."

"Speaking of fantasies, I have a few of my own." Cat remarked seductively, making Lapis's breath shudder as she started blushing blue. "Now, it's not those kinds of fantasies, just FYI, just a little idea I've been having."

"What kind of idea?" Lapis asked sheepishly as Cat began using her feminine wiles to get her way.

"Oh, nothing much, just our own version of Hunting Season." Cat purred cheekily. "It's already a good episode, but I think more of Paulette would make it even better!"

"You mean we make a Percy/Paulette version of the episode?" Lapis realized. "What's in this for me, though?"

"Oh, you'll just be donating your creative skills to a good cause, of course." Cherry Quartz revealed, piquing Lapis's interest as she now began considering Cat's offer.

"So, you in?" Blue Chalcedony asked the terraformer.

"Fine, I'll do it." Lapis shrugged and shook Cat's hand. "But only if you don't go and declare war on the other side, okay?"

"Oh, cross my heart, my dearest aquatic angel!" Cat's Eye pinched Lapis's cheek with one hand while crossing her fingers behind her back with the others. "And even if we go to war, we'll win easily since we have not one, but two Lapis Lazulis on our side!"

"She's got that right." Laz agreed with Cat.

"Bad news, everyone, we lost our adorable duo." Bismuth declared to the Crystal Gems at the temple as she put down her phone. "Lapis has turned over to Cat's Eye's side while Peridot has been assimilated into Teal Zircon and her cronies. Oh, I can already imagine the hurt and betrayal that'll come from this!"

"They were supposed to help us stop this craziness!" Amethyst yelled furiously. "Now, what do we do?!"

"Easy, we terrify them into shutting up." Jasper suggested harshly while summoning her crash helmet.

"While that would be super effective, I'm not sure if we should be solving this with violence." White Topaz objected to Jasper's idea. "Anyone else got any bright ideas?"

"I got an excellent idea." Garnet proclaimed while presenting the Gems with Pearl sitting at a laptop. "The Internet started this, so we finish this with the Internet."

"As it turns out, one of the actors from Camp Pining Hearts has his own website where he answers fan questions." Pearl explained before turning the computer around to show a website dedicated to Edward Christian, the man who played Percy on Camp Pining Hearts. "If we ask him about this crisis, maybe he can help solve it."

"You really think he'll just find our question and answer it right on the spot?" Jasper retorted suspiciously as Pearl typed down a question for the actor to answer.

"Dear Edward Christian, my name is Pearl, and I am a Crystal Gem living in Beach City, Delmarva." Pearl read her question out loud as she typed. "I have some friends who are both huge fans of Camp Pining Hearts and are on opposite sides of a shipping war. Is there any way you can help solve this problem before it goes too far? Sincerely, Pearl."

"I like where this is going, but I'm sure he gets many questions daily." Amethyst said. "It might take ages before he notices us!" Just then, Pearl immediately got a response to her question to Edward, much to the Gems' shock given how fast he responded.

"So, might take ages, huh?" White Topaz smirked at Amethyst.

"Why didn't I ask for money?" Amethyst muttered in disappointment before Pearl began reading their answer.

"Dear Pearl, I am honored to know that you Gems are such fans of my work. I had a lot of fun as Percy on Camp Pining Hearts." Pearl read off the laptop. "This isn't the first time I've received a question about shipping, funny enough. I've even had to ban such questions from my site after the big Valentine's Day episode from Season 3, but I'll make an exception for fellow celebrities like you. How about tomorrow, my co-stars Bella Anastasia and Jacob Steele come down to Beach City to help you with your problem? Love, Edward."

"He even said love." Garnet said. "Such a nice man."

"Looks like all we have to do now is wait." Amethyst realized. "Does it say where he lives now?"

"Oh, how convenient!" Pearl cheered as she found Edward's bio. "It turns out he's still living in the Great North, so it should only take almost nine hours for him and his co-stars to reach us!"

"Well, at least we got time now." Jasper sighed in relief. "What should we do now?"

"I got an idea!" White Topaz suggested. "Anyone wanna binge Camp Pining Hearts with me? I'm getting close to the end of Season 3, so no spoilers!"

"I wonder how we can spoil a show we've barely seen any episodes of." Garnet mused to herself.

On the third day of the great shipping conflict of Little Homeworld, the two sides were just about ready to go to war. On one side, Teal Zircon and her horde of Percy/Pierre shippers were readying their weapons for the coming battle while Peridot mapped out potential strategies. On the other side, Cat's Eye's side was also preparing for war, but Lapis was feeling anxious about having to go against her lifelong friend and partner.

"Anything troubling you, my dear Lapis?" Cat purred as she batted her tail against Lapis's back to get the blue Gem's attention. "Oh, I get it! You're worried about what Peridot might think about you rooting for the enemy." She realized. "Well, there's one teensy-weensy, but ever so crucial little detail you had forgotten about. THIS IS WAR, AND PAST RELATIONSHIPS DON'T MATTER!"

"How should I know that?! I never fought in the rebellion!" Lapis yelled back at the lawyer. "Besides, you know that I got off on the wrong foot with Peridot when we were told to become friends!"

"Well, it looks like you have no choice but to do that all over again!" Cat replied without a shred of empathy for Lapis. "And in the meantime, I got you a new Peridot who will agree with everything you say!" She then presented Lapis with Squaridot that she pulled from the sides. "Say hi, Squaridot!"

Meanwhile, Peridot watched the confrontation between Lapis and Cat with a pair of binoculars, and to say she felt absolutely betrayed would be selling her heartbreak short. "So this is how Lapis repays me after all we've done together?" she mutters tearfully. "Just going to abandon me in favor of shipping Percy with that witch Paulette?!"

"Always sad to see someone go, isn't it?" Teal Zircon declared solemnly as she appeared behind Peridot. "But then again, you did interrogate her for info on the Crystal Gems a long time ago, so maybe she considers this karma."

"That was ages ago; we were past that!" Peridot yelled at Teal. "I'm sure by the time we win this war; everything will go back to normal like nothing happened, right?"

"I'm not too sure about it." Teal answered. "A betrayal of that magnitude is bound to be remembered for ages to come. Not even forgiving and forgetting can fix that in a pinch."

"I'd never expect someone like you to say that." Peridot replied. "Usually, you'd have some kind of adorable one-liner or unknowingly insensitive remark up your sleeve. What's gotten into you these past few days?"

"I've become very passionate about shipping thanks to you." Teal bluntly revealed. "Now come! We ride!"

"Oh, come on, where are those actors?" Pearl nervously asked as she impatiently paced around Little Homeworld, hoping for a miracle. "Edward said he'd be here today, but he's still taking forever!"

"Just be patient, Pearl." Garnet implored the ex-servant. "Besides, it's not like we have much time left. Look!" Garnet then pointed towards the Warp Pad, where the two warring ships were having an epic stand-off, an ominous calm washing over Little Homeworld as the war was about to begin.

"So, it looks like we had the same idea, Peridot." An equally betrayed Lapis coldly said to Peridot.

"It wasn't my intention; they made me join!" Peridot cried out. "They had a really catchy chant too."

"I was convinced because they thought I'd be useful in making their own version of Hunting Season." Lapis responded. "If you join our side, we can work on it together and be friends again."

"Enough talk!" Teal cut the barn mates' conversation short. "Now is the time for what everyone came here for."

"Oh, I couldn't agree more." Cat's Eye meowed while drawing her riding crop. "CHARGE!"

"COURAGE!" Teal replied as the two Gems' respective forces clashed in an all-out battle, while the Crystal Gems, Black Rutile, Aquamarine, and Eyeball all watched from the sidelines.

"Ooh, this is gonna get good!" Amethyst laughed before she pulled out some popcorn to eat while gazing at Eyeball's bucket. "I'm not sharing this."

"Good, I wasn't planning on sharing either." Eyeball responded.

"Oh, how I missed the senseless violence between so-called friends." Black Rutile sighed nostalgically.

"You're just saying that because one of your minions is leading a side!" Bismuth said in response. "And besides, isn't another one of them on the Percy/Pierre side?"

"Does it matter?" Black Rutile smirked as the Crystal Gems and the Rutile Rebels watched the carnage begin.

The Watermelon Tourmalines bounced everywhere as they worked together to crush their opponents. Desert Glass formed turrets out of the sand to fire upon the various quartzes. Beryl scampered across the battlefield to take her opponents by surprise and tickle them into submission. Nephrite was engaged in a catfight against Chrysocolla. Holly Blue swung her electric whip around to gain some distance from her foes. Army was pitted against all three of the other Rubies on the enemy side in a wrestling contest. Serpentine pounced on her foes while Grossular Diopside rode on her back. Yellow Pearl was all alone against Volleyball and Blue Pearl. Laz and Zuli were facing off once again, with tidal waves being summoned to take each other down. Bixbite tried cutting down the ice barrier Larimar and Snowflake Obsidian put up to protect Demantoid and Pyrope from harm. Emerald swung her club in Orange Spodumene's face, knocking her to the ground. Topaz, Monazite, Blue Chalcedony, Albite, the Cubic Zirconias, and Squaridot all worked together to keep their allies safe in the heat of battle. But at the center of it all was the epic clash between Teal & Peridot and Cat & Lapis.

"You just can't admit that you never cared for Percy and Pierre as characters!" Cat's Eye yelled while whipping away at Teal. "You don't want representation; you just think they should be a couple just because of how close they are!"

"And you just can't see Paulette for how abhorrent a character she is!" Teal responded while clashing with Cat using a makeshift sword. "She's an utter parasite who leeches off every other character because the writers love ensuring she's in the right all the time!"

"That is not true; you're desperate to see boys kissing!" Cat yelled back.

"You're better than this, Lapis; you must fight it!" Peridot urged her blue-hued partner. "Remember all the good times we shared watching CPH!"

"Well, the good times are over!" Lapis replied, yelling as she prepared to land the finishing blow when suddenly, a car horn honked, stopping the war cold.

"Who could possibly be interrupting our grand battle?!" Albite yelled before the car door opened, and out came Edward Christian, the actor behind Percy from Camp Pining Hearts.

"You know, when I was told there was a shipping war going on here, I did not expect a literal war." Edward dryly remarked before he was joined by his CPH co-stars, Bella Anastasia and Jacob Steele.

"Oh my goodness, you're finally here!" Pearl squealed in excitement as she charged towards the three celebrities and trapped Edward in a tight hug. "Saints be praised; please put an end to this madness!"

"Let me guess; this is about Percy, Pierre, and Paulette?" Jacob smirked before looking at the formerly warring Gems, now frozen in shock. "I should've known."

"Uh, hello there, alien fans." Bella waved to the Gems, who immediately stopped what they were doing and began hoarding around the trio.

"I can't believe it, Percy and Pierre in the flesh!" Holly Blue began frothing at the mouth in amazement before collapsing.

"Tell us, are you aware of how much everyone hates Paulette?!" Morganite asked.

"Can you sign this for me?!" Beryl shrieked eagerly as she presented her forearm to the trio.

"Calm down, everyone, one at a time!" Edward settled every Gem down. "Now, your Crystal Gem friends have called us today because they noticed a serious problem with you guys."

"Yeah, they just won't accept that not every pair consisting of a male and a female have to be a couple!" Teal said with an accusing finger towards Cat's side.

"And they won't realize the sexual tension between Pierre and Percy!" Cat added with a claw pointed at Teal.

"Oh goody, just as I feared." Bella rolled her eyes in annoyance before she turned to her male co-stars with a smirk. "Want to break out the secret weapon, boys?"

"I'll go first." Edward smiled before revealing a wedding ring on his finger. "As most of you may not know, I'm a married man. Can you guess to who?"

"It's Jacob, obviously!" Peridot declared. "If the actors aren't married, then it's obviously queerbaiting!"

"No, queerbaiting is when they advertise actual same-sex relationships only to not follow through with it!" Lapis objected. "Not getting mad whenever your favorite gay ship isn't made canon!"

"Oh, how wrong you are." Bella proclaimed as she and Jacob revealed wedding rings of their own. "All three of us are married to each other! We got hitched not too long ago after a reunion special."

"No way, you three are married?!" White Topaz's eyes widened in surprise and delight.

"I'll admit, I didn't see that coming at all." Garnet added, just as shocked that her future vision couldn't even predict what she had just heard.

"Oh, if all three of them are married, then I guess there's no point to this!" Teal exclaimed as she and Cat's Eye turned to each other and shook hands. "Let's all be friends again!"

"Oh yes, friends!" Cat sneered as the two sides united as friends once more, completely forgetting about the heartbreak, the betrayal, the strife, and especially the sheer insanity of the situation.

"Sorry I took this too far, Peri." Lapis nervously apologized to Peridot. "I'll admit it; I had no idea what I was thinking when we decided to go to war."

"Me neither." Peridot responded just as awkwardly. "Are we still friends, even if we have different opinions?"

"Sure, even though I don't really have any strong opinions on ships whatsoever." Lapis answered warmly before the two Gems hugged.

"Yep, polyamorous marriage works like a charm when you want to stop ship wars." Jacob grinned with his hands on his hips before turning to the Crystal Gems. "Thanks for inviting us here, Crystal Gems. You got a really colorful bunch of friends here, no pun intended."

"The pleasure is all ours." Garnet nodded. "You're free to come back anytime."

"We'd love to stay and do a little meet and greet, but we gotta get going." Ed said as he walked over to the rental car he and his partners used to reach Little Homeworld. "Come on, guys, let's rock and roll!"

"On second thought, I don't see us leaving anytime soon." Bella admitted as she peeked under the hood of the car. "The engine's been stolen!"

"What, but how?! And who?!" Jacob yelled as he rushed to the car, seeing the large gap where the engine should be. "And how did they steal it without any of us noticing?!"

"Well, at least you got more time to spend here." Peridot said to the three actors. "How does that meet and greet sound?"

"Eh, I got nothing better to do today." Edward shrugged. "Okay, who's up for autographs?!" The Gems all eagerly raised their hands as Edward began signing Camp Pining Hearts posters to hand out to everyone, uniting them all in their love for the series as Peridot had intended. However, the identity of the car engine thief was still a mystery to everyone, even though the thief in question had dark designs for the engine.

"The Crystal Gems have given me the perfect chance to add another ingredient to the Vortexxer's construction!" Black Rutile laughed maniacally as she put the car engine down on the floor. "Quick, someone help me hook this up!"

"Got it!" Eyeball exclaimed as she used a pair of jumper cables to connect the engine to the unfinished portal, causing the machine to briefly spark to life. "I can't believe it; I saw a light! That has to mean something good, right?"

"Indeed, we're almost finished." Black Rutile declared pridefully with her arms akimbo as she gazed at the soon-to-be-finished portal. "Just need to keep biding our time. I don't care who gets in our way! I don't care what it takes! Whatever is on the other side will finally help me win!"

Talk about a rather dark note to end this escapade on, huh? Black Rutile has another important piece of the Vortexxer acquired now, but it's going to take a little while for her to find a way to fix what flaws the original version had. But until then, it's back to some goofy fun times for all, starting with a little lifeguard fanservice for me. Yes, I'm going there, and I have no regrets!

#steven universe #steven universe future #fanfiction #steven universe alternate future #peridot #lapis lazuli #garnet #amethyst #pearl #bismuth #cat's eye #teal zircon #black rutile

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