#piggy gushes

[painted-piggy-ships-archive]

My husband has such a slutty waist and kissable lips and soft hands

[eldritchships]

Some frames in the last few episodes give Blurr more noticeable lips like this and I gotta say, I'm a fan

[gibberishfangirl]

WIND BREAKER | zoo date

Synopsis ✰ head cannons about how a zoo date would go between you and the boys

Characters ✰ Haruka Sakura, Hajime Umemiya, Hayato Suo, Akihiko Nirei, Jo Togame, Choji Tomiyama

Contains ✰ sfw! just cute content of the boys being happy boyfriends

Haruka Sakura ᡣ𐭩

𝜗𝜚 the zoo date was your idea but you were pleasantly surprised to see Sakura agree to it

𝜗𝜚 he’s secretly really excited about it, it’s his first time going but doesn’t tell you

𝜗𝜚 he LOVES it, is incredibly fascinated in the cutest way

𝜗𝜚 the day you two went happened to be incredible hot but it’s okay, neither of you complained

𝜗𝜚 one of the first exhibits you went to go see were the pandas

𝜗𝜚 “AWH! look Sakura! it’s us!” you giggled pointing to the two cuddling panda bears, he blushes at the comparison

𝜗𝜚 “hey, now that i think about it, you kinda do remind me of panda bears.” you murmured thinking aloud to yourself. “s-shut up! no i don’t!” he stammers with a furious blush as you giggle at him

𝜗𝜚 his second favorite animal to see were actually the giraffes he thought they were so cool for some reason, he stood there mesmerized for a moment

𝜗𝜚 his first favorite animal to see were the orangutans and apes, he seemed like a little kid in awe with his face up against the glass trying to get a better look

𝜗𝜚 you figured out after some time that this had to be his first time there

𝜗𝜚 in order to make the day extra special you went out of his way purchase him a panda plushie as a surprise and told him “i had to buy a plush animal that was as cute as you!”

𝜗𝜚 he grumbles a bit at the gift but accepts it and offers a small “thank you” with a light blush -> panda officially becomes his cuddle buddy after this day

𝜗𝜚 at the end of the day you two got sun burnt since both of you forgot to apply sunscreen

Hajime Umemiya ᡣ𐭩

𝜗𝜚 boy scout mode activated!

𝜗𝜚 he literally had every necessary item packed for the two of you

𝜗𝜚 once he found out you forgot to apply sunscreen before leaving the house he has you sit on a rock and applied the sunscreen on your legs and arms for you

𝜗𝜚 you struggled to catch up to him the whole day since his legs were so long, not to mention the steps he kept taking were massive

𝜗𝜚 you were exhausted the entire day by trying to keep up with him

𝜗𝜚 you took multiple pit stops in shady areas Ume found for you

𝜗𝜚 he was incredibly energetic the entire day as his pace never gave up, however, he did slow down after realizing you were struggling to keep up

𝜗𝜚 he offers you a piggy back ride which you happily accept

𝜗𝜚 thanks to his ability to carry you throughout most of the day you managed to get through the whole park

𝜗𝜚 you both saw every animal they had

𝜗𝜚 once he notices your face getting a little red, he takes off his hat and places it on yours

𝜗𝜚 he buys you water throughout the day to ensure you aren’t dehydrated

𝜗𝜚 you guys loved to do some window shopping at the end of the day

𝜗𝜚 he purchased a key chain and small animal plush for you

𝜗𝜚 funny enough you purchased the same key chain for him so the two of you had matching ones

𝜗𝜚 “this was fun, what should we do next time?” he asks at the end of the day before softly kissing your cheek

Hayato Suo ᡣ𐭩

𝜗𝜚 a complete gentleman the entire day

𝜗𝜚 he makes sure you have sunscreen applied before you two start walking in the hot sun

𝜗𝜚 he makes sure to walk at your pace and not leave you behind

𝜗𝜚 he ensures your hydrated the entire day by always providing cold water and drinks for you

𝜗𝜚 he buys you a plush of your favorite animal

𝜗𝜚 you two gushed over the cuteness of the koalas that happened to be sleeping

𝜗𝜚 you took so many photos with him

𝜗𝜚 you guys spent about half an hour in the photo booth taking photos

𝜗𝜚 he blushes when you refer to your plush as “our baby”

𝜗𝜚 “ah look so cute our baby looks!” you gushed as you put a hair clip on the stuffed animal

𝜗𝜚 “you know you can never leave me now right? i don’t want to be a single mother and you can’t become a dead beat father.” you said out of no where making him laugh “what a silly thought, i would never leave you.”

𝜗𝜚 you two actually ate at one of the restaurants to try it out

𝜗𝜚 it was both of your first times going to the zoo

𝜗𝜚 unfortunately you two didn’t see all the animals or get to cover a lot of the park

𝜗𝜚 “oh no suo, we didn’t see all the animals.” you pouted at him a little sad in all honesty

𝜗𝜚 he offers a hug and simply replies with “it’s okay, we’ll get to see them next time.” your heart fluttered at those last two words

𝜗𝜚 ofc he was already planning another date in his head from the first moment this one started

Akihiko Nirei ᡣ𐭩

𝜗𝜚 you guys were getting lost all day

𝜗𝜚 both of you kept getting confused by the map

𝜗𝜚 if you said go right he’ll go left, if he says go left you go right

𝜗𝜚 at least the two of you were getting lost together

𝜗𝜚 you both have fun regardless

𝜗𝜚 despite getting lost you guys would stumble across some of the animal exhibits

𝜗𝜚 one of the biggest highlights of the day was finding the petting zoo

𝜗𝜚 you both gushed over the cute animals

𝜗𝜚 “look we can feed them!!” you yelled in excitement after noticing there was food you can purchase for the animals

𝜗𝜚 Nirei couldn’t help but smile and take photos of your cute self feeding the animals

𝜗𝜚 until one of the animals starting nibbling on your sweater

𝜗𝜚 your sweater had a chunk get bitten off, “no this was my favorite sweater!” you whined

𝜗𝜚 not to mention the day you two went on happened to be chilly so you were cold without it

𝜗𝜚 after seeing you shivering Nirei took off his jacket and put it on you

𝜗𝜚 “can’t have my pretty girl getting a cold”

𝜗𝜚 you held hands all day and had so much fun watching all the animals

𝜗𝜚 whenever Nirei got cold you helped him out by cuddling him and giving him warm hugs

𝜗𝜚 you two happened to make your way back to the entrance around closing time

𝜗𝜚 you both were in shock when you realized you managed to get see everything in the entire park

Jo Togame ᡣ𐭩

𝜗𝜚 fortunately enough, you both were slow paced and kept up with each other

𝜗𝜚 you spent the whole day at the zoo being in no rush

𝜗𝜚 you guys took your time to explore

𝜗𝜚 despite it being so hot Togame kept holding your hand all day

𝜗𝜚 he would pout whenever you stopped holding his hand to wipe off your sweaty palm

𝜗𝜚 puts you on his shoulder so you can get a closer look at the animals

𝜗𝜚 he can’t help but smile whenever you’re in awe, “how cute” he would think

𝜗𝜚 he spent the whole day looking at you more than the animals his heart fluttering each time you smiled brightly

𝜗𝜚 “awh isn’t this so cute?!” you gushed talking about the sleeping koalas that happened to be cuddling. “yeah, very cute.” he smiled not even taking his eyes off of you

𝜗𝜚 to Togame there was no better view than you

𝜗𝜚 Togame had ice creams on hand throughout the whole day for the two of you to cool off

𝜗𝜚 he hadn’t realized how much concern he held for you until he saw you getting too close to some of the cages

𝜗𝜚 “wait! be careful, not too close.” he scolded out of pure concern, pulling you back into his chest by your waist

𝜗𝜚 “relax, i’ll be okay.” you pouted each time he pulled you back. “i just want to make sure.” he would say with a small frown

𝜗𝜚 Togame was on edge whenever it regarded your safety

𝜗𝜚 goodluck trying to convince him to let you feed the animals at the petting zoo

𝜗𝜚 would guard the bathroom doors whenever you were in there

𝜗𝜚 incredibly paranoid whenever you went too far

𝜗𝜚 “don’t go too far, what if i lose you?”

Choji Tomiyama ᡣ𐭩

𝜗𝜚 the zoo date was actually a surprise date that Choji planned himself

𝜗𝜚 he had the entire day planned out

𝜗𝜚 he knew exactly how the two of you would spend the entire day

𝜗𝜚 he also planned out the date to be on a day with the perfect weather

𝜗𝜚 he wanted everything to be perfect for you

𝜗𝜚 he was a ray of sunshine all day smiling and laughing at your cuteness and whenever you pointed something out about the animals

𝜗𝜚 you had so much fun! you both walked hand in hand all day swaying your hands back and forth with huge smiles

𝜗𝜚 he ensures that your hydrated by offering water to you all day, “you sure you’re fine? drink a little more water just in case.”

𝜗𝜚 he would steal glances at you being happy rather than looking at the animals

𝜗𝜚 whenever you were stuck in a trance of awe he would come hug you from behind and plant soft kisses on your shoulder

𝜗𝜚 the soft touch of his lips against your bare shoulder always made you blush madly

𝜗𝜚 “ah Choji this was so much fun! I loved it.” you squealed as you embraced him in a huge hug

𝜗𝜚 he would respond to your hug by picking you up and spinning you around causing the two of you to giggle

𝜗𝜚 “thank you for the perfect date Choji, it was perfect.” you said softly at the end of the date kissing his cheek

𝜗𝜚 he would blush at your praise and cup your cheeks before placing a soft kiss on your lips, “anything for you.”

[pedge-page]

Plushies 5 - Piggy

Joel Miller x F!Reader

Plushies Series Masterlist but Can be read as standalone

^^Story is not nearly as serious as the gif--its just the knife bit that counts.

Summary: Date night starts with being hungry--but ends with a different kind of hunger.

Warnings: Plushie humping, unconventional toy in the bedroom, unprotected sex, daddy kink, doggy, cowgirl/riding, degrading and praise, lots of giggles at the end, mentions of a fight, cum eating, creampie, a little Protective!Joel, comedic dumbassery for these two as usual

18+ ONLY

- - - -

When you and Joel occasionally decide to treat yourself for an all out dinner, sometimes it’s a lovely table service, nice dress occasion, with a sexy glass of wine and 5 pieces of cutlery—and other times it’s at the Hungry Pot with a giant cheese smothered greasy loaded brisket and bottomless coke/root beer floats. Tonight was a Hungry Pot night. And while you were excited to indulge Joel’s starving belly after a long and physically taxing day, having him nearly start a fight at the bar only 10 minutes after the two of you were seated wasn’t exactly the date you wanted.

Not that the night was ruined at all. It’s not his fault you get so wet when he goes alpha mode.

“Bed. Now,” you command. Your warm hands force him into your room. The two of you had whisked out of there before the food was even ready. Not really because he was worried about being kicked out, but because he could see the look in your eyes and knew this was going to be a different kind of date night.

 He could barely keep his hands off you in the car, and the wet throb pooling between your legs didn’t help either.

He plops his ass down on the cushion, famish gaze looking up to you tower over him between his thighs. It’s one of the few times Joel obeys you. You push him back, climbing over his waist as his hands go to their usual spot on your sides.

“My hero,” you charm. Your lips devour his, tongue poking through his teeth. His neck strains to keep your mouth on his.

His hands move to your upper back to hold you close but you immediately grab his wrists and pin them to the bed. 

He smirks. 

“Ya like being in charge?”

You shake your head bashfully, nipping his lower lip. “Just want you—and you’re taking too long.” His ravenous eyes piercing yours then down to your lips.

“Jesus. Like watchin’ me get all riled up in front of you? Bet you do. Makes that little pussy gush, don’t it?” He greedily sucks your tongue back in his mouth, hips grinding down against his poking bulge. “My perfect, sinful angel.”

Your digits slide upwards, entangling your fingers together as the two of your hands move up along the bed, over his head while you continue to make out.

There’s sudden movement—and Joel immediately tenses, hands escaping yours—“Thefuck—what”— and he’s karate chopping something alive in the mess of your plushies that goes flying out of the bed and into the corner of your room violently. 

“S’something movin’! Get back!” He orders.

You feel your entire body being hoisted up on to your feet, Joel protectively guarding in front of you. arms holding you close as bay behind his massive figure as he scans the room ready to pounce again. 

The two of you can hear the faint lively buzzing of the thing that was living in your bed. And you finally sigh in relief. 

"Joel! That’s Mr Oinkers!"

Joel has an incredulous look back at you. Now you want to scold the man trying to protect you for yoinking him so fucking hard. You brush past the brown bear of a man despite his worrying stance and retrieve the poor squished pig from the floor. He’s got a big dent in his poor face—Joel’s punch right on target even when it surprises him. You refluff the pink piglet gently to his original rounded and exceedingly huggable shape. 

You hand it to Joel, now more curious than defensive. His large hands tentatively engulf its entire body, sending it into a little spasm of vibrations.

He stares at it with a mixture of disgust and amusement. “What the fuck."

"It vibrates when you hug it."

"Where the fuck you huggin this, between your legs? They sell this to kids?"

“Oh my god, It’s not THAT kind of toy.” Who gave this man such a dirty brain? “Besides, it doesn't have that level of power. Just give it a regular, loving squeeze and it vibrates a little. Like an interactive teddy bear when you hug it?"

His eyes don’t really say much. He twists it like a wheel, inspecting the underside, gauging the weight of the battery pack safely snuggled inside. It’s gone still in his hand, but when he gives it a firm squeeze, the little jiggles come back to life, humming in the quiet room. A small, yet distinctly Joel, smirk begins to tug at the corner of his mouth.

And--oh fuck—you know that look.

-

It’s the look of ‘Kiss this plushie’s virginity goodbye’ look—so oddly specific and yet so trademarked by your boyfriend now. 

He practically holds Mr Oinkers hostage for the next hour,  cradling it under his massive arm as he sifts through your kitchen drawers. You hover around him, partially unsure what he’s up to, but also for poor Mr Oinker’s safety. While you love Joel being rough with you, you don’t like when he gets too aggressive manhandling your poor little squishes. They have to live at least until you die and that means coddling them with delicate, loving embraces, sweet kisses and regular poofing—.

NOT LIKE JOEL RIPPING THE SEAM WITH A PAIRING KNIFE RIGHT NOW.

“JOEL!” 

The horrid sound of scratchy tearing of fabric rapes your ears like nails on a chalkboard, and you instantly go to seize the pig from his grasps.

But Joel yanks it just right out of your reach, your hand closing around thin air.

“Ah! Don’t play around when Daddy has sharp tools.”

“Fuck off, Joel, you just ripped my plushie!”

He brushes you off. “Mr. Piggy—“

“—It’s Mr. Oinkers.”

“—The pig—is just havin’ a bit of surgery—“ his  fingers dig into the fresh hole, pries apart the back flesh of the pig even more, making your ears twinge with pain at the continued horrors—“gonna sew him back up, sweet pea, don’t worry.” He looks at your bewildered and near crying state and chuckles. “Jesus. I PROMISE—gonna make him just like new okay? Now please stop worrying?” He caresses your cheek with soft grace, thumb soothing over the redden state of your eyes.

You nod, refusing to cry over it. “Okay...” you whisper, adding a quick “fucker,” and calm down now that you’ve uttered the necessary retort. “Please—be gentle…” you say meekly, eyes trained on the gash in Mr. Oinkers once smooth body. The cotton filling practically gushes out, wanting to escape like pussing blood.

He kisses your forehead. “I promise. Now go take a shower, and let me finish with my patient here, yeah?”

With a final little kiss to your forehead, you do as he tells you. 

Afterwards, you can’t help but anxiously pace, peeking towards the harsh light of the kitchen where Joel works. He had splayed out more tools found in your apartment—a litany of batteries, thread and needle, a screwdriver, the fished out battery pack from deep inside the plushy’s wound.

True to his word, Joel keeps a surprisingly gentle touch. He carefully removes and replaces the batteries with a different—more sinister pair, places the cotton filling back in, glasses perched on his big nose as he holds the fabric close, sewing little strokes with the thin thread like an expert ancient seamstress, quiet and concentrated in his habitat.

And despite all his intimidating physique and attitude, the thing that you loved about him so much was that he was just as delicate. He fucks you like rag doll one minute then is tending to you with the softest, sweetest touches and kisses. The man is practically a walking paradox.

It makes you wet all over again.

So when he tells you to get naked on the bed and straddle the now recovered from surgery Mr. Oinker’s, you don’t even question it. You so badly want to please him again and again.

Joel settles right behind you. Your bare crotch hovers just over Mr Oinker’s poor squishy face—but what’s one more sacrifice to the Pussy King’s use? 

You feel hot open mouth kisses along the length of your spine, his fingers curling around your sides, gliding up your breasts with smooth, ticklish haste. 

“Go on, give ‘im a big hug,” he whispers to the shell of your ear. “Between your legs,” he adds with a chuckle.

You sink down your knees a little further, feeling your dripping entrance make contact with the soft, stuffed plush. The pig jolts to life with a violent seizure—far more aggressive than it ever did before.

“Oh!—OH god!” You moan, instantly wanting to pull away, but the firm press of Joel to your back prevents you from going anywhere. The plush vibrates extra violently between your legs, nudging your little clit repeatedly. 

“Feel good, baby? Gave him a stronger dosage.” You feel the hard press of his bare cock humping along the crack of your ass, his arms draped over you with palms flat into the mattress—caging you between himself and Mr. Oinkers. 

“I—you—“

“Lay forward. Let me and the Pig do all the work.”

He presses his forehead on your upper back, forcing you down until your face is relaxed into the pillow. You barely hum a “Mr. Oinkers” to correct him. Joel shakes his head, unresponsive.

The new position pushes your clit even more snugly into the lively Pig’s jittery tummy. You moan out loudly, your clit sucking up the pleasant sensation.

You hear him laugh a little at the state of you: ass up, face down with a fun little vibration toy wedged in your slit. He pumps his hard cock in his hand a few times before sighing. 

“Put it in f’me,” he says.

You don’t hesitate—reaching your trembling hand, so shaken with pleasure, behind you to grasp his throbbing length, pulling the bulbous tip closer so that it parts your petaled folds. Joel grunts at the feeling of the plushie vibrating along the underside of his balls. He thrusts in slowly, stretching you wide to accomodate his thick girth.

“Fuck me with a hoe, baby girl, you’re so perfect f’me,” he moans. 

Joel pauses, savoring the mix of vibration and tight squeeze of your cunt sucking him in. 

“Joooooeeeeeellllllll,” You whine desperately. You try to wiggle your hips to incite movement but he holds you still.

“Sorry baby, man’s gotta enjoy what’s his.” 

Your heart swells, resigning to his desire. Hishishishis, rolls over in your mind like a placate spell. I’m his.

You feel the warm weight of his belly conforming to the arch in your spine, his hot breath tickling your ear once more with a sweet kiss. “Piggy treatin’ you real good down there?”

“Ah—mhmm—it’s s’good. So good, Daddy.”

“Yeah? Smother him with your cute little nub. He’s so excited to get a taste of ya pussy. Just like me.”

You bury your face into the pillow—Joel’s deisgnated pillow. His scent fills your nostrils, the hot stretch of his cock fills your cunt. All while you can’t help but start grinding your sopping pussy against the plush, effectively touching your clit with mad vibration while also fucking yourself on to Joel. 

“So hungry, babygirl,” he grunts. “Told ya, let Daddy and his new friend help ya. Just stay still like the good girl I know.” Hot paws wrap around your hips as he begins to work a steady pace, thrusting in and out of you while also pressing your ass down into the piggy’s face. He watches his cock disappear into you before emerging with glistening slick of your sweet juices, so wet pent up and needy for him all night. 

And the damn PIG between your legs just happily jittering with violent spasms nonstop makes it impossible to ignore the knot growing in your lower belly.

Joel can feel it too—the way your walls are closing in on him. 

“What does my babygirl say?”

“T-thank you—Daddy!”

“Wrong.” He starts a quicker pace, making you cry into the pillow with each unforgiving rut. “Give ya a hint—the cow goes moo, dog goes bark—what does the piggy say…?”

“I—I don’t—”Oh god, he can’t seriously be asking…

“Oink for me.”

“Ugh—Joel—no, fuck—I’m close. Right there please!”

But right as you’re on the cusp of your orgasm, he pulls back, lifting your hips with him so the Pig just barely graces your folds as he shallowly grinding his hips against your ass.

“Cmon, make the little guy between your legs proud. And the big one inside you too. Do it for me,” he repeats, a hint of sadistic satire dripping in his voice. “Oink like a pig.”

But you groan in frustration again. His hands keep you pinned high, locking you uncomfortably, unable to leverage your knees to fuck yourself back onto him and finish the job. You so badly need to cum, the persistent hum on your inner thighs making your legs quiver, practically begging to have the wet animal feasting on you again. 

The consideration of embarrassment over your release only washes over you briefly before your opening your lips and bubbling his wish from deep within your throat:

Snort—“O-oink,” you cry meekly. “Oi-nk”.- Snort— “oink!”

He stops moving entirely. You almost want to cry, because what the fuck—he said he’d let you cum! The room is silent minus the persistent buzzing muffled just out of reach under you.

Then you feel little shakes behind you, like something caught in Joel’s chest. The shakes grow, rippling through his body— until you can hear him— laughing out uncontrollably with tears in his eyes while he’s still buried balls deep inside you.

"That's... That's not funny Joel!"

"I'm sorry I just didn't think you'd actually do it!" He slips out of you and sits back on his haunches, arching backwards as he clutches his chest from wheezing so hard.

And he’s still cackling, hardly noticing he’s the only one laughing, nor the lack of mirth in your body language, the shift in your positions as you roll him on his back and straddling the big hunk of giggles. And it’s only when you’re lining his dick along your wet pussy that his amusement goes stale.

“—Hah!—oh—oh shit." 

His hands instantly seek purchase on your waist, mouth parted ever so slightly with eyes glued to the space between you where his tip just barely begins to poke your folds.

You hover over him for an agonizing amount of time, refusing grant him entry.

"You... told me to,” you say, face red and hiding from him. 

While he was so hyped up on the adrenaline that you were finally going to take charge in this rare moment, he now sees it in you. Yes—you were embarrassed. But yes—you wanted to please him so badly that it was worth the shot. He can feel himself swell in your hand, precum and your juices coating his dick proudly because this is his girl.

Joel grips your hips and starts rolling your pelvis into his, sinking himself into you and taking charge again. You gasp out, hands on his chest to steady yourself as you both rock into each other. 

His eyes are darkened again, movement purposeful. “I know. I know, babygirl. That's what I fuckin’ love about ya. You'd do anything I ask you, huh baby? Humping your squishy piggy just cuz I told ya. My Little cum hungry, greedy girl.”

You lean back, bouncing on his cock with little slaps of your ass clashing down. That delirious feeling of Joel—his voice, his touch, his cock—JoelJoelJoel—filling your every senses once again, mugging your brain as you ride him to your hearts content. “I’m Daddy’s c-cum hungry greedy—girl,” you moan, brain so turned to mush so quickly that he can’t help but smile.

 “‘At’s right. There’s my girl. Didn’t even have to ask ya.” He plants a wet kiss on your knuckles, and you can feel yourself shudder at his lustful gaze. “Keep goin’. Just like that. Ride me. Fuck me.” 

He slaps your ass with encouraging stings, begging you to bounce along his shaft harder, faster. 

And in true Joel fashion, he fists the nearly forgotten vibrating plushie and shoves it at the crevice right between your pelvises.

You cry out pathetically, riding Joel faster. The pig’s full belly wedges between the two of you, jittering against your abused clit and a bit of Joel’s unsheathed cock with violent rhythm. He groans out, fucking up into your tight heat harder.

 “Say ‘Thank you Mr Piggy’,” he commands, his voice straining with the impending proximity of his own orgasm.”

"H-hjs name is —mmmmm—Mr. Oinkers.”

"Well I'm the one fuckin’ you right now and I'm telling ya it's Mr. Piggy.”

While Joel’s lips curl into a snark, so desperate to have you cum, your mouth parts so heavenly, eyes heavy with lust as you chant. “T-Thank—you MR! Mr PPIGGY! Ahh—ah huh—for—fucking me—my-mm-my clit—hungry pussy—fuck Joel!—needed Daddy’s filling—wanted to fuck you—Piggy kisses my cum hungry—pussy—so good—oh fu-FuuCCCkkKK I’m cumming—I’m cumming on my Piggy! Thank you, Daddy!” You cry with a pained smile, letting go as pleasure washes over your entire body, shaking with the same lack of control as Mr Oinkers has been showing you all night—and Joel doesn’t let up. Fucking you through your orgasm with one death grip on your hip and the other ramming the plush between your sweaty bodies, biting your swollen sensitive nub as he canters up into your womb.

“Yeah fuck—fuuck that’s it-there’s my girl—gonna let Daddy make you his cum dump? Huh? You want that? You do—you fuckin’ do—dirty girly—shit—Daddy’s gonna give it to ya.” 

You fall forward, your breasts smushed against his chest as he continues to rut into you. You let him use you. Let him dominate your body and own you because it feels best when he does. 

He’s gritting his teeth, the plush absolutely pancaked between you and sputtering along his pelvis, sending shockwaves down from his base to his balls. “Oh fuck—Mr Piggy—givin’ it to me too shit—shit baby! here it comes!”

 He growls when he cums, pouring buckets of cum from his tight balls and releasing inside you with each spurt. And the soft cushion of the pig between you rumbling only prolongs his orgasm, ropes after ropes filling your gut like a four course meal until he’s over sensitive and yanking the soaked cotton mess out and tossing it to vibrate helplessly in the corner of the room.

He cradles your neck close, breathing in the sweet smell of shampoo from your partially damp hair. Soft strokes along your spine comfort you as you both relax in each other’s embrace.

As you rest on top of him, you pull your head out of the nook of his shoulder, his eyes falling to yours as you two lie staring at each other.

“Why’d you get so mad at that guy at the Pot?”

Joel scowls at the memory: “He asked if you were single—said I looked too old n’ that ya needed a real man to satisfy your appetite.”

You hold your breath with him. Then you snort—like a real, genuine and uncontrollable snort. “And you didn’t laugh your ass off at him?? Oh my God, Joel! That’s fucking hilarious!”

His fingers curl around your soft hair, a half hearted smile on his adoring face.

Your eyes become serious again. “You didn’t actually believe him, did you?”

“I did. For a minute. Till we got home, and you showed me how hungry you were for me. Needed to take ya right then.”

“Proved him wrong.”

“No,” he shakes his head, sucking in a big breath. “No, just did it because I wanted ya so badly for so long. Who else is gonna do this crazy shit, fuckin’ stuffed animals like the weird little freak you are?”

Your jaw drops in astonishment, sitting up on your elbow. “The plushie fucking is YOUR idea! I have never humped any of these bitches in my life until you!”

You can feel his chest rumbling, eyes crinkled with subdued laughter. 

“You fucker,” you croak, voice cracking with a giggle. 

You both hear Joel’s tummy growl. “I’m still hungry, didn’t get to eat our Pot, remember?”

“That’s funny. I’m surprisingly full. Thanks to you,” you hum, kissing his lips. 

He accepts, making out with you unhurriedly until he’s rolling you over to your back and gliding down your body, pressing his chapped lips between the valley of your breasts, down your naval, and over your sensitive clit. Your legs spread on instinct. Joel’s eyes never leave yours as he presses his nose to your slit, inhaling the succulent scent of your mixed cream. “Gonna make my tummy happy too?”

 His tongue laps up at his cum dripping down to your crack back up to the source, making you grip his curls. “I s-still ha-haaaven’t forgiven you for —urgh Daddy—r-ripping Mr. Oinkers apart.”

“So? Made him better, didn’t I?” He continues to suck up his cum clean from your entrance. “I ripped Mrs. Oinkers apart just now too.” He buries his nose into your cunt and snorts: “Oink—oinkoinkoink!” 

You yank his hair harshly off of you and kick him to the couch for the rest of the night.

Until an hour later, you’re waddling wrapped in a big comforter and curling up against him on the thin sofa and spooning him. He wraps his arm around you with a kiss to your neck before falling asleep again.

-----

Permanent Taglist

@harriedandharassed @lola8888673 @its-nebuleuse @zliteraturehoe @merz-8 @joeldjarin @pascalscoffin @pedroshotwifey @ghostslillady @innerpersonunknown @missladym1981 @mrs-oharaxx @survivingandenduring @milla-frenchy @cockykookiee @fairytale07 @daddy-din @pedropascalsbbg @spookyxsam @somehopeatlast @millercontracting @pedrostories @mishala005

Let me know if you'd like to he added or removed

[a-twistedheartslonging]

Imagine book 7 but Lilia and Yuu (who is more of an adult) are in a semi relationship? More like both do have feelings but for them is not fully clear yet.

Anyhow, imagine that, and because Yuu is human, and assuming that the invaders are also humans, they get separated from the group by Lilia while the others are held by his soldiers.

And Lilia is just full bat-monster form, big asf (think at least an 1.70 near the 2 meter mark) and with 2 pair or arms (because wings are like arms); in my mind he would have teeth EXACTLY like the actual blood eating bats, meaning he would tear open your shoulder rather than your neck so blood keeps on pumping.

And Yuu is just “God, he is hot BUT NOT THE TIME” and they try to get him to reason but he doesn’t listen, you are another blood snack for him.

So he bites and tears and you scream in pain, this is not like his previous bites, you can see muscle and some of your bone, blood gushing out as he licks it like a cat drinking from a water bowl. You try to kick him away but your arms are pinned to your sides and kicking does nothing.

But very soon you get delirious, too soon to be blood loss, and it’s Lilia’s saliva. In this form his saliva acts as a sort of anesthetic that also makes you high.

So you look at him, still drinking your blood and you say “God you’re beautiful”

And this takes him a bit by surprise, not the first time a human was like this while he fed on them. He presses his tongue on the wound a bit too hard, so you take it as if he is hearing you.

“We should make out”

AND THIS JUST MAKES HIM STOP. He pulls back and just looks at you, crimson blood eyes glaring at your blown pupils and silly smile. “You have such CUTE EARS! Can I touch?”

“No” His voice is deeper in this form, but you can tell it’s him. He scowls before going back to lick the blood.

You giggle “And a piggy nose! So pink!”

He turns to respond and you KISS HIM ON THE NOSE; he is just left confused, angry and probably a bit flattered you think he is cute.

You try to move closer to his face to kiss him on the mouth but he backs away a little. “Stop moving, or you’ll bleed faster!” he goes back to drinking the blood, a lot is spilling on the ground and the pulse is getting weaker “I don’t want to waste more of my time with you, I’ll drain you dry for speaking and doing such nonsense”

At that moment you begin to cry, or more like whimper and groan “No! Please!” You barely more now “I want to continue feeding you”

AND THAT POINT HE JUST REELS BACK LIKE “THAT’S IT, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU” any human before was whimpering and screaming and wailing for him to either kill them or let them go. You on the other hand, WANT HIM, AND NOT ONLY TO FEED HIM MORE OF YOUR BLOOD, IT GOES BEYOND THAT.

He had enough and just, heals you and carries you back to where his soldiers are with Silver, Sebek and Grim.

When he lands his ears are so red, he has this look between “tired of this bullshit” to “I experienced something that was NOT in my bingo card this year and I don’t know how to feel about it”

He opens his wings, you safe but still high and clinging to him and nuzzling on his fluffy neck. He points at you with one of his wings and “Who the hell are you three and what, in the name of queen Maleficia, is wrong with this one?”

You infected me with the nonhuman Au and I just, went on this rambling. I just. Yes please, monster fucking Yuu just making a General Lilia feel “Welp. I think I saw EVERYTHING HUMANS HAVE TO OFFER”

I hope this wasn’t the worse thing you read ever tho, I can’t type as fast as my brain can conjure words

How to survive a monster: Be horny and weird them out.

[belladonnasmenagerie]

Kinktober Day 3: Billy Lenz X Reader

Squirting, degredation and jealous sex

!18 plus! No minors allowed!

Overview: You help out your neighbor and Billy doesn’t take to kindly to the way he talked to you

Warning: dirty talk, degredation, jealous sex, f!oral, mating press, squirting, messy sex, fingering

————————————🎃————————————-

You fucked up, you knew you fucked up and that’s how you got into this situation. It was just a simple chat with your neighbor, a friendly conversation after you gave him some butter for dinner. But because he was a man and a tall attractive one at that Billy wasn’t having it.

“My slut…not his..” Billy growled

He had you bent pretty much in half as his cock slammed in and out of your dripping cunt.

“Billy’s pussy…” he growled slapping your ass “nasty, nasty bitch..wants other men’s dicks…hole too needy, need more than Billy.”

Your face flushed red at the humiliating remarks

“N-no Billy! Just please it’s too much!” You pleaded with the man above you

He growled gripping your hips tighter slamming down harder into your pussy making you yell out in pleasure.

Billy ignored your please not caring how overstimulated you were, just wanting to show you your his.

“Gonna fill this piggy cunt up…nasty nasty girl.” He groaned feeling his cock twitch

Balls slapping against you Billy panted like a dog going faster and faster until he stilled inside you, emptying himself deep inside your cunt.

Thrusting a few more times to ride out his high, Billy eventually pulled out but didn’t let you go instead opting to plunge his face against your weeping core. Finally laying chest down on the bed Billy slurped up your juices like a thirsty dog, fingers digging into your thighs as he sloppily ate away.

“Oh fuck Billy!” You moaned out gripping his wavy brown locks

“Too much Billy, please I’m sorry! I’ll never talk to him again! Just please slow down!” You pleaded with the insatiable man between your legs

Billy groaned into your cunt, ignoring you once again as he plunged 2 fingers into your core, pulling in and out hearing the squelching of the combined juices inside you.

Pulling away Billy watched the way his cum would spill over onto his hands, drool and juices dribbling down his lips.

“You look good with Billy’s cum inside you.”

He commented before diving back to your clit with his tongue flicking it up and down, fingers still pumping away inside you. You moved your hips up feeling the build up inside your core once more but a lot heavier. Whimpering you tried to push his head away just to give you a moment of reprieve but Billy grabbed your hand yanking it off his hair, placing the same arm against your stomach to keep you still.

“Billy! Fuck I’m gonna cum!” You warned feeling the uncomfortable build up rising within you

At the sound of you warning him his tongue lapped faster, fingers curling up staying inside so he could flick them against your g-spot.

Screwing your eyes shut you let out a string of curses as the biggest orgasm of the night crashed over you, feeling your juices squirt out and all over Billy. Billy pulled back in shock as you gushed all over his face and hand, in awe of what he just witnessed.

Collapsing into the bed you panted hard not bothering to look at Billy, who had just pulled his fingers away with a nasty squish sound.

Everything stayed still for a moment until you could feel the weight of the bed shift as Billy climbed over you, laying down on your chest making a comfy home with your breasts.

“So good for your Billy” he wrapped his arms around you “y/n’s Billy, all mine my pretty pretty piggy…” he mumbled

You nodded petting his hair, the both of you laying in your nasty love making just for a while to regain composure enough to go clean up in the bathroom.

[railingsofsorrow]

RAILINGSOFSORROW'S FICS RECS (0.1)

here's the 1st part of a recs list of my favourite fics! (had to split in two because tumblr was being a nightmare) have it mind that they can either be on tumblr or ao3.

the (+) means it has a smut masterlists: [0.1] [0.2]

↯

━━ CRIMINAL MINDS

↬flight risk by @brywrites (s.reid x reader) (series)

I didn't know I could feel so safe reading about a pilot and a profiler, given their jobs, but I did and this fic is so magical. I loved the analogies the angst everything plz read it.

↬the sleep chronicles by @stickseasn (s.reid x reader)

↬a moment of weakness by @writer-in-theory (s.reid x reader) (series)

↬lepus the hare by @↑ (s.reid x reader)

↬(in)visible by @foxy-eva (s.reid x reader)

I felt like the words were being said to me *crying*

↬sundays by @definitelynotkatesblog (s.reid x reader)

↬ if you'll have me by @reidscanehand (s.reid x reader)

↬mister spencer by @imagining-in-the-margins (s.reid x singlemom!reader)

↬fall apart by @spencersimp (s.reid x reader)

↬bluebell by stillmarauding (ao3)

this one is really good, 90 chapters so far and still updating.

↬lost at sea by @five-bi-five-mind (j.jareau x reader)

literally everything written by this account is amazing.

↬breakfast by @↑ (j.jareau x reader)

↬ spontaneous phenomena by @luveline (a.hotchner x reader)

彡

━━ HARRY POTTER

1. [marauders era]

↬interrupted by @cosmal (rubgy!james x f!reader)

↬chocolate orange by @↑ (r.lupin x reader)

↬crooked ties by @cupids-crystals (j.potter x reader)

↬mary macdonald by @↑ (r.lupin x sister!reader)

↬first class let down by @starstruckwillows (adhd!j.potter x reader)

↬oh bloody hell by @gtgbabie0 (j.potter x reader)

↬championship cups by @perpetuallydaydreaming (j.potter x reader)

↬bun in the oven by @letterstotheflre (r.lupin x f!reader)

↬never be another by @cryonme (r.lupin x reader)

↬he loves you by @↑ (r.black x reader)

↬cursed by @pregnant-piggy (s.black x reader) (series)

all of their fics are great.

↬off days by @messers-moony (s.black × daughter!reader)

I love everything they write + wolfstar dads<;33

↬she's a fighter by @stylesparker (r.black x reader)

↬little king by @acosmis-t (r.black x reader)

↬cocoa by @earlgreydream (r.black x reader)

from time to time I come back to reread it. it's a comfort blurb <3

↬ours by @janesociety (l.evans x f!reader)

why are there barely any lily evans fics??? let's change that.

↬loving is easy by rxgulus (jegulus; background wolfstar)

I've gushed about this fic on here. I love everything about it, remus being a tease, james being a simp, sirius being a drama queen and regulus being regulus. there's also baby harry at some point. it is my favourite one for a reason go read it.

↬step into the daylight and let it go by serendipitysirius (jegulus; background wolfstar) (currently being updated)

I have at least five quotes from this fic glued on my bedroom walls. it is that special to me.

↬drugs and surgical scrubs by anauro (jegulus; background wolfstar; rosekiller) (currently being updated)

one of the best piece of work I've ever read, worth every tear.

↬absent mindedly making me want you by calamitoustide (jegulus; background wolfstar) (completed)

my FAVORITE fic of all time, I love the way james and reg are portrayed in this, it's so raw and innocent and special.

↬papa mia! by chasingthestar (jegulus; background wolfstar & marylily) (currently being updated)

the angst kills me but the fluff is worth it.

↬a doorstep of affection by @marauders-venting (wolfstar)

↬unlovable by @masivechaos (dads!wolfstar x reader)

↬panic by @sp1rit-realm (platonic/poly! marauders x reader)

all of their fics are amazing.

↬boyfriend swap by @v1oletvenus (s.black x reader; platonic!j.potter x reader)

↬mouth of september by @luveline (platonic!marauders x reader)

one of my favourites.

1. [golden trio era]

↬ just the medicine by @vanillann (d.malfoy x reader)

↬evergreen by @starlitsilvereyes (drarry)

↬say the words then stay around by teatrolley (drarry)

it's an orphan account but it's still available and it's so so good.

↬ all wounds heal by @willowbleedsonpaper (t. nott x reader; d.malfoy x reader)

funfact: theo nott fics was what got me into the marauders wormhole plus this is a work of art.

↬ twinkle by @sapphicwhxre (h.granger x reader)

↬not like any other by @hadesrise (h.potter x slytherin!male!reader)

↬harry calls you after a breakdown by @igncrantbliss (h.potter x reader)

[painted-piggy-ships-archive]

my liddle squooby dooboo... my tinky tot. kinkleswurp little dinkydoo woowoowoo squigy scrunkle sdinkle,

gh

[esmeislewd]

People like you make me so conflicted wether I should be a dommy forceful encourager or just gush about how much a lil fatty you are you tease you for being that way.

Like guh you're getting so soft and seem to love it so much, you're gonna get so much bigger and you can't even help it can you🥺 such a lil piggy, you prolly need help satisfying that gluttonous appetite all day long!

But also

I'd love to just tie you to a chair and pour melted ice cream down your throat, jiggle your gut while you moan from the constant stream of calories, then when you're done sit you in my lap and keep food on both sides of us, and double fist stuff your face with treats, and you better be doing the same thing with your hands too, or else you won't get any belly rubs after~

I'm very indecisive on cute subs like you -👻

Both!!! Both both both!!

I really really really love both aspects of feederism, it's absolutely wonderful to have the variation between soft affectionate feeding and encouragement and the harder stuff in play.

The soft baseline is imo vital as it provides a really safe and supportive layer that is key to any relationship kink or not. Knowing that someone finds me irresistible and lovely creates the environment that makes me feel safe to really let myself go~

[lipglossanon]

Ash and Bone

•_•———— ⚰️ ————•_•

Don’t really know what this is, so reader beware lol

Warnings: 18+ MDNI, dark Leon, dark content, murder, body mutilation, stabbing, degrading talk, dead body, corpse burning

this is not sexual at all (for me) but as always, you interpret things as you see fit, not my business 🤷‍♀️

not proofread

•_•———— ⚰️ ————•_•

The knife sinks in easily, like it’s nothing; like a hot knife through butter skitters across his thoughts making him smile. He pulls the blade out and sinks it back in right next to it, certain this one snagged on an organ as more blood gushes from the wound as he pulls the knife out. 

Giddiness bubbles up through his blood like nitrogen from a deep sea dive. Unlike the bends, he welcomes the feeling, this all encompassing excitement making his brain sing in pleasure. He sinks the knife into her body again and again. 

“Brought this on yourself, stupid cunt,” he mumbles with glee, blue eyes nearly black as his pupils expand. 

She doesn’t say anything— can’t say anything. Laying there like trash, something easily discarded once Leon’s gotten his use out of it. 

“Didn’t even fuck you, did I?” He laughs down at her still form, “god, should’ve seen how fucking desperate you looked. Like I’d give you the fucking time of day you fucking pig.”

Then he’s off on another spiel of giggles, knife movements more sloppy as his body shakes with the force of his laughter. 

“Stupid piggy cunt,” he snorts and laughs harder, “delusional fucking whore. God, what I wouldn’t do to fucking gut you’re little friends, too. Bet it’d be easy to trick them out here. Fucking gagging for attention cause none of you ever get noticed. Do you, sweetheart?” 

The body lies there, cooling against the cement floor. He places the tip of his knife along her ribs and sinks it slowly upward into her chest cavity. 

“Bet you wished that I’d have sunk my cock in your pussy just like this, huh?” He brings up one bloody hand to flick his bangs away from his face, “all nice and slow, making sure to get as deep as I can.”

He feels it the moment the blade slides into her heart, the muscle tearing like wet tissue paper as blood bubbles from the entrance wound.

“Oh isn’t that nice, honey?” He coos, eyes riveted to the red pooling underneath her body, “my little darling getting exactly what she’s always wanted: my attention.”

After that, Leon takes his time, stabbing the knife into her body over and over just cause he likes the way it punctures the skin. 

“I heard you and your stupid slut friends giggling and whispering every time I came around,” he sneers, flecks of blood matching the freckles coating his skin, “like I didn’t feel your ugly piggy eyes on me, your pathetic lips saying those cheap words, like I’m something you could covet. You fucking piece of shit.”

He wrenches the hilt of his knife until he feels something give inside her body that’s not supposed to, a sickening crack of bone that brings a smile to his face. 

“Shut you up good, didn’t I? Thought you could follow me outside the bar, trying to flirt your way into my passenger seat,” he brings the hand not wielding the knife down in a slap across her lifeless face, “pathetic fucking trash. I wouldn’t have touched you if you paid me to, just looking at you would make a man sick.”

He grins to no one suddenly, “Is that why you and your little piggy friends were alone at the bar? Only dick you could get in your nasty little snatch is one made of silicone, right? So you thought you’d try me.”

He brings the knife up to her throat and slices across it, blood sluggishly dripping down the torn skin. With a sigh, he sits back on his haunches, blade lying limply in his hand. M

“Well as much fun as this has been, you’re already boring me,” he wipes the knife on her shirt, “which shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone. I did everyone a favor by getting rid of you, dumb bitch.”

He heaves himself up onto his feet and reaches for the gas canister nearby. Dousing the body thoroughly, he pulls out a box of matches. The strike and hiss of the flame manifesting on the little matchstick makes him smile brightly. 

“Best thing to do with trash is to burn it, s’what my daddy always said,” he says aloud, “I would say good riddance but damn if your not even worth that.”

Tossing the little flaming stick onto her body, he watches serenely as she slowly catches fire. He moves far enough away he can’t smell her stink as the gas makes the flame burn hot, crisping her skin and burning off the hair and clothes first. He watches for hours until there’s nothing but ash and bone left behind.  

[madeforstarker]

[ prompt fill: family dinner, domestic ]

Peter had Maria in one arm and an organizer bag in one, the two year old was still in her pajamas, messy curls and holding an outfit she chose her own. He sat on the large couch with Maria on his lap as Maria's older twin brother, Anthony shouted in the background as he played with Dum-E.

"Okay, little miss, can papa see what you chose to wear for tonight's dinner out with dada?" Peter asks politely as he gently takes the clothes from the little Stark. Maria giggled and handed a pair of pretty pastel pink legging and white longsleeved dress and a pastel purple sleeveless overcoat, "pwi-pwincess cowows!" the two year old exclaims with a big innocent smile.

Peter lets out a soft giggle and nods, "they are indeed princess colors, little miss! Now, let's get you into these princess clothes okay? Dada's almost done with his calls so we have to be fast!" He says as he dresses Maria gently, after dressing her, he opens the organizer that held so many bows and a spray bottle, he spreads out the organizer in front of him and Maria, "okay, which bow are we going with little miss?"

Maria bounced in his lap, pointing, "yewwow!"

He chuckles softly and nods, "bunbuns or piggies?" He asks the child as he takes out the yellow matching bows, sprays Maria's hair with water and combs through it neatly, the curls being tamed down.

"Bunnies pwease, papa!"

"Got it, little miss!"

Peter fixes the little girl's hair into two buns on top of her head securing it with the two yellow bows, he smiles as he lifts Maria to stand on his thighs, "wow! Such a pretty little miss, like papa right?"

Maria giggles and nods, "pretty like papa!"

His heart flutters with a warm sensation as he places a soft kiss on Maria's forehead before putting her down on the floor, "go to your play spot first, little miss, I have to dress brobro too!"

The girl squeals and nods running over to her play spot in the living room. Peter stalks through the penthouse to see his eldest running in circles around Dum-E, the bot looked like it wanted to be dismantled already. Peter chuckles, "Anthony, love, come on, sissy's done, we need to get you changed too!" He calls out to the eldest Stark.

Anthony, the eldest of the twins, widens his eyes before running towards Peter, "bows??? Can have bows wike sissy???"

Peter smiles softly as he picks up Anthony, padding towards the eldest room to grab some clothes, a khaki pants and a maroon collared long sleeved shirt before making their way towards the livingroom, "you want bows to match your sissy, little man?" He asks softly as he began taking off the little Stark's clothes before dressing him in his outside clothes.

"Yes! Yewwow! Wike sissy's!" Anthony exclaims with a grin, Peter nods, giggling as he pressed a kiss on the boy's forehead, "yellow bow it is, little mister!"

Peter wets the boy's curls before combing through them, he secures one yellow bow on the side of Anthony's head, "there, yellow bow matching with sissy."

Anthony smiles at him, "thank you papa!"

He was about to respond when Tony comes into the living room with a pleased grin, the twins, seeing their Dada, Maria runs to the older man while Anthony wriggles off of Peter's lap to run to Tony.

Tony picks up the two Starks with ease, both giggling, "well, what do we have here? I see my twins with matching bows, that's sooo coool!" His husband gushes softly, the two kids giggle in respond. The older man then turns to him, his smile soft, contented, "can you get ready in five minutes, papa?" His husband asks playfully.

Peter chuckles, already zipping up the bow organizer, "I bet you I could, dada!" He chimes as he throws Tony a flying kiss before living the living room, his heart fluttering with love and content. Ah, this is the life.

[typingdyslexiaisathing]

Obey Me! idea for you all today. MC gets turned into a toddler.

Lucifer is not amused. At all. But he would never let it show as he scoops up MC to do a mental check of their well being. A wince as MC reaches out to pull his hair and giggle at him. Lucifer will not have MC attending RAD like this. So he will schedule things with his brothers to stay at HOL with MC until they change back to normal. He will not admit to how often he checks in on MC.

Mammon has no words. None. He's just staring down at this tiny human to have a panic attack. But soon kneels down to set MC in his lap and sigh. Keeping MC from grabbing his sunglasses to play with. Mammon is a surprisingly patient babysitter for MC. Will gladly wear one of those baby carriers on his front to carry MC around the HOL. Will sneak kisses to their forehead and tell them what a good little rascal they are.

Leviathan is very anxious about all this. Like how is MC this small?! Leviathan just sighs to scoop MC up and give them cuddles. MC tends to love playing (and nibbling) on his tail. His room becomes the favorite place for toddler MC. (So many pretty fish!) Leviathan tends to snuggle with toddler MC in his bathtub. Lots of cosplay with this adorable MC. "So kawaii~ ACK! Okay, okay. I'll hug you. EEP! Did you just give me a kiss on the cheek?! AH THIS IS TOO MUCH!"

Satan is just entranced by this adorable toddler. He is very gentle as he helps MC with feeding and keeping MC out of the cupboards. Satan has the forethought to download a baby app on his phone. Lots and lots of story time. Satan seeing toddler MC with cat ears? This demon of Wrath is on the ground with the cuteness overload, his poor heart cannot take it!

Asmodeus is gushing and cooing and snuggling this adorable version of MC. Just look at how precious and sweet they are! All the clothes and little hairstyles for these two to match in their Devilgram photos. Asmodeus is the one in charge of bath time. With bubbles and a few cute squeaky ducks. MC is never put down for any reason, nope. Asmo refuses to let this little adorable human down. Lucifer basically has to take MC away from Asmodeus so he will go to RAD.

Beelzebub is just stunned. MC is just a soft little baby now. So Beel will be super careful with MC and all but be the go to piggy back giver. Beel looks into making home made baby food and simple foods for MC to eat. (or get all over their face for Beel to sigh) Beel is the one that gives shoulder rides the most. Because he is the tallest and MC loves being up so high. When MC gives Beel a sloppy kiss on the chin, this teddy bear of a demon just melts. Bless him.

Belphegor is all for MC being like this. Lot easier to keep for himself if they are carry size. However, MC is not as into sitting still as Belphie. MC wants to play with his tail a LOT. (he flinches at the tugs but doesn't get mad) MC will want to take a nap after a LOT of activity. Which is provided by Beelzebub (flying around with MC in tow works wonders for tuckering the toddler out) Belphie will gladly let MC steal his pillow or his jacket for a blanket. MC will snuggle into Belhpie and fall asleep on his chest. This makes Belphie smile and give MC a kiss on the head before he too joins in for nap time.

[nikethestatue]

A Match Baked In Heaven

Part 3 Here

Part IV

Thickfreakness

“Who is the bloke with the tats?”

Pots and pans were banging together in the background. Feyre was ‘cooking’. Every Sunday they had lunch at one of their homes–dad’s Soho mansion, Nesta’s Notting Hill flat, Elain’s Russell Square Georgian manor, or Feyre’s bohemian Camden loft. 

“Okay, I want to make salmon en croute,” Feyre announced boldly and Elain’s heart fell at the words.

Her younger sister wasn’t what one would call a ‘cook’. And she knew that about herself. Yet it never stopped her from experimenting–wildly–in the kitchen. 

“Fey, that might be somewhat ambitious,” Elain cautioned her.

“Why? How hard can it be?”

“Perhaps it’s not difficult, but it is somewhat time consuming and requires a decent amount of prep. Why don’t you go with something easier, like Shepherd's Pie? Or a nice fish pie?”

“Nooo, it’s so boring,” Feyre moaned loudly. Elain chose not to remind her that salmon en croute and fish pie were basically the same thing in essence. 

“Okay, well, if you want to venture the en croute route, then good luck!”

“But what if I don’t do it right and it all falls apart?” Feyre whined.

“That’s why you should do something simpler. And no, Fey, I am not going to cook Sunday lunch in case you fail,” Elain warned.

“Ugh, Ela-aaaii–nnn,”

“No. Make fish pie. That’s it.”

“Don’t try to weasel out of the question! Who is the guy with the tats holding Piggy?”

“It’s Piglet. Not Piggy.”

“And?”

“He is a client,” Elain said calmly. 

“What kind of client?!” Feyre pressed excitedly. “You usually don’t have clients with tattoos! And that arm!” she gushed. “What does he do? Tell me! Come on! Is he hot? He is hot, isn’t he? An arm like that is attached to a hot man. And Piggy sleeping like that on him. Aww. Aww. Aww. Piggy never likes anyone–I don’t even think he likes me! I pet him and he looks like he is suffering. But the sexy arm bloke–Piggy is sleeping on that arm like a baby. Do you know the story about the scars? I bet it’s something incredible! Like he was saving a baby from a burning house. Or maybe he flipped a car over to pull a granny out of a burning vehicle,”

“You seriously need to calm down,” Elain interrupted her. “I am growing concerned for you. And for my sanity.”

“I demand you tell me!”

“He is an athlete,” Elain relented just a bit. 

“I knew it! A footballer? A rugby player? What is he?”

“A sumo wrestler,” Elain teased, only to throw her sister into a complete tizzy.

“I hate you! Can you set me up with him?”

“No,” Elain said immediately. 

“Why not? What’s wrong with me?” Feyre demanded.

“You aren’t his type,” Elain cut her off. This conversation irritated her. She didn’t want to think of her sister and Azriel Night. Just no. Azriel was a headache, but he was her headache.

“What is he looking for? What is he like?”

Elain exhaled, thinking about the question.

“He…well, he is the most annoying and impossible man I’ve ever encountered. He is by far my worst client, and I’ve dealt with some doozies,” she complained loudly and passionately. “He is so rude and, and…he is just no good.”

“No good?” Feyre repeated. “That’s what you managed to come up with? No good?”

“He is no good. He is not articulate. I asked him what woman appeals to him and he says ‘pretty’. He isn’t taking this seriously at all. He is probably wasting my time, but I have no choice but to work with him. He signed the contract–which I had hoped he wouldn't. And now I am stuck with him. 

“Anyway. I am going to find him the best possible match–someone he wouldn’t be able to say ‘no’ to and then he’ll be out of my hair! Forever. And he also made comments about my body!”

“What kind of comments?”

“Said I had nice breasts.”

“Oh, that’s the worst! When a man tells you that you are beautiful and have a nice rack,” Feyre fake-sympathised with Elain. “That is tough.”

“Gah. Quiet. I knew you wouldn’t understand.”

There was more clatter in the background and finally, after a string of curses, Feyre said,

“You are certain you want to find him the best match possible?”

“Of course!” Elain cried. “I take pride in my work.”

“Oh I know. Only I’ve never heard you talk about any client at length and neither did you ever get so passionate about how much you hate them.”

“It’s because I do hate him!” Elain insisted, before relenting and correcting herself. “Well, I don’t hate him. Why would I hate him? I am just exasperated with him. His whole persona is…just ugh,” 

“Is he a yob?”

“No. Nothing like that,” Elain disagreed. “He isn’t walking around in a tracksuit with a shaved head. He dresses nicely. He is definitely not…”

“What?”

“Well, he thinks that I am posh,”

“You are posh!” Feyre laughed. “We are pretty darn posh, Elain. Daddy is a Knight, remember?” Elain sighed and murmured, “how can we forget?”

“And then the Duke of Velaris,”

“We are not discussing that.”

“Well, then you are posh to him, especially if he is a boy from the East End.  And I reckon he isn’t posh to you?”

“He is from the East End. There are traces of Cockney in his speech. And it doesn’t matter…I don’t care about any of that. Professionally speaking, I don’t make distinctions based on someone’s origins or class.”

“Nevertheless, he doesn’t sound like your normal client,” Feyre said.

“He isn’t. He is difficult and everything with him is a challenge.”

“Well have you considered that maybe in the end, the reward will be great?”

Elain chuckled and said, “I am not sure what constitutes ‘great reward’ in this situation. Pawning him off to some poor unsuspecting woman who doesn’t know what she is getting herself into?”

“The women you work with usually can handle a complicated man,” Feyre reminded her. “They are man eaters.”

Elain sighed. 

“Give my love to Piggy,” Feyre chirped. “I’ll see you on Sunday!”

“Good luck with en croute. And it’s Piglet. You know, you are like Az-,” she stopped abruptly, catching herself right before she blurted out a client’s name. 

“Pardon?”

“Nothing. You are just like my new impossible client. He refuses to call Piglet by his name!”

Feyre laughed at that. “What does he call him?”

“Pinky. It’s not Piggy or Pinky. It’s Piglet!”

“I actually like Pinky! I think it’s a good alternative.”

“Ugh, maybe I will set you two up. You fit right up.”

“Ooohh yeah! I am ready when you are.”

Elain snorted at her ludicrous sister and threw “bye, you nincompoop!”

“There is an old lady dying somewhere inside of you!” Feyre yelled back.

Elain leaned back in her armchair. It’s been a long night. A long week. 

Feyre was right. Elain was an old lady. It was Thursday night and she wasn’t at the pub or a bar. She wasn’t hanging out with her girlfriends. She was alone, in her office.

She ran her finger over the phone’s screen, bringing it to life. Clicked on the Photos. And clicked on the one that she kept staring at for the past two days. Azriel Night, his expression softer than usual, looking down at Piglet in his arms. 

She had cropped the top of it obviously, before posting it on IG. It was only Piglet in the circle of muscular, tattooed arms. She titled it simply ‘Making New Friends’ #puglyfe #Pigletthepug and the photo received 368K likes, and over 55K comments, mostly about whose arms these were and who was Piglet’s ‘new friend’. 

She should’ve deleted the photo from her phone.

She should have. There was absolutely no reason to keep it. It served its purpose, it was all the rage on Piglet’s page and there was no further use for it. Her finger had hovered over the delete button for two days now, and yet she couldn’t bring herself to get rid of it. Why? Because Piglet looked so good and comfy? That had to be the reason.

She was definitely going to delete it tomorrow.

-

It was Friday night, and Elain was ready for some pampering. At least this was her excuse for not going out on a Friday night yet again. But she had a busy week and she was owed a little time to herself. 

It was half past eight, and she just sunk into her favourite armchair in her bedroom with her e-reader. Piglet was on the bed, with her phone propped for him, dog videos playing with the sound low. Whenever he liked what he saw, he emitted a satisfied growl, which resembled a cackle. Therefore, even though she was immersed in her book, his angry growl got her attention, because it was followed by the distinctive ping of FaceTime.

Who the hell was FaceTiming her at this time? Also, she rarely video chatted with anyone anyway. 

She stretched, almost falling out of the chair, but managed to grab the phone, almost getting her finger bit by her disgruntled dog. 

“Hell-...o,” her voice died as she was faced with none other than Azriel Night. 

He looked like he was in bed, his face sharp and as handsome as ever, but not as tense as what she was used to. The man’s appearance was both his blessing and his curse. He was outrageously good looking, his face both elegant and perfect, but also typically inscrutable and emotionless. He was not a good person to read facial cues off, and that made it difficult for Elain to understand whether he was serious or not, pleased or displeased, happy or angry or sad. 

“Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match

Find me a find

Match me a match!”

Azriel sang to her. 

Her mouth was hanging open.

His voice was…nice. Husky. Sexy. And he sang well, which literally made no sense whatsoever. But he did?

“A girl’s night in, I see?” he asked, smirking. “And here I thought you’d be hitting the clubs. Bumping and grinding,”

“No one says ‘bumping and grinding’ anymore,” Elain told him. 

“Yeah, I know. But I just brought it back and made it cool again,” he announced nonchalantly.

“What are you doing?” she demanded. “Why are you ringing me on a Friday evening? How did you even get this number?”

“Ms. Archeron, you gave me the number,” he reminded her. 

“No I didn’t!”

“No, you most certainly did.”

Thinking back to the last time he was at her office, Elain recalled what had transpired and cringed inwardly. She couldn't believe that she gave him her personal number!! She never did this. She always, always gave her clients her business number and never picked up on the weekends.

“Fine,” she admitted her oversight. “I gave you the number. Why are you ringing me?”

Azriel made himself comfortable against the pillow, and it stuck Elain just how intimate this was–both of them on camera, in their respective bedrooms, late at night. This was highly, highly irregular.

“Couple of reasons really,” he said casually. “Firstly, I know my schedule for next week and therefore, I wanted to book your time,”

“You make it sound like I am a hooker,” she winced, wrinkling her nose.

“Naw. You’d make the worst hooker in history,” he chuckled and Elain gasped at the audacity of her words. “Maybe as a matchmaker you are managing, but as a hooker,” he tsked. “No chance.”

“And why is that?”

“You challenging me on that, Ms, Archeron?”

“Simply curious.”

“Easy. You like things done your way–obsessively. You are a control freak,”

“Oh, back to insults I see,”

“I ain’t insulting you, matchmaker. Just stating facts. And a hooker’s job is to do the things that the client tells her to do. So there is that.”

“Oh, phew. I am not terribly broken up because according to Mr. Night I won’t make a successful prostitute.

“Besides this odd conversation, anything else?”

He thought for a moment and then grinned, exposing his perfect teeth. He looked so handsome when he smiled it was unfair. Unfair to all men.

“Guess what I am doing?” he teased.

“Lounging about, by the looks of it,” Elain shrugged. She feigned indifference, but Azriel could see through it–she was curious.

“Take a guess,” he encouraged her. “Come on. Humour me!”

Elain bubbled her lips and finally said,

“Probably eating or drinking something.”

“Yes!” he nodded and then reached and showed her two biscuits.

“Are those the same ones?” she gasped.

“Sure are!” he winked at her and then stuffed both in his mouth. Chewing with comical energy, he chomped and said, “nom, nom, nom’.

At that, Elain burst into laughter, like she couldn’t help herself.

“You are mad!” she cried. “I can’t believe you are still eating these!”

“Why? they are really good,” he insisted. “Delectable. And I think you might have to bake some more for our next meeting.”

“Or is that so?”

“It is so.”

“I suppose I should,” she conceded. “I can’t believe that you just pulled a ‘nom, nom’...So you wouldn’t have to drag them with you all over the country.”

Azriel paused, looking at him, slightly perplexed.

“Do you know where I am?” he asked at last.

Elain thought for a second, then simply told him, “Manchester”.

His face dropped and he glared at her in shock.

After a long pause, where she enjoyed his surprise and confusion, he finally asked, “How do you know?”

“Arsenal is playing Manchester United tomorrow–in Manchester. It doesn’t take a genius to figure it out.”

“Wait. Are you telling me that you like football?”

“Is it really so far-fetched that I might?” she inquired, relishing in her victory. 

“Wait a minute,” he even sat up in his bed, staring at the phone. “Wait. What is your team?” he demanded roughly. “And if you say Chelsea…Well, I don’t know what I’d do, but it would be something bad!”

She laughed. 

“You are mental.”

He didn’t react to the insult, other than asking roughly,

“What. Club. Ms. Archeron?”

“Tottenham, if you must know. With Arsenal not far behind. You ought to know that the Duke of Velaris,”

“Oh yeah, Granny Elain’s hot piece on the side,” Azriel chuckled, “what’d he do?”

“Being a military man,” Elain said, ignoring his quip, “he helped in the formation of Arsenal with the armoury workers. Better that they played ball than got drunk on gin.”

“So I am indirectly connected to your Duke? Captaining his team?”

“It’s not his team, and he isn’t my Duke, but he did love my gran.”

Azriel considered it and then murmured, “the plot thickens, doesn’t it? So, my stats that you rattled out the first day? You knew who I was? All that info?”

“Of course,” she shrugged. “I mean, the height and the weight I got from the roster. But I knew your background and who you were.”

“Well, well,” he complained, “that doesn’t seem fair at all.”

“What doesn’t?”

“That you know all these things about me, and I know very little about you.”

“That’s not unfair,” Elain argued. “That’s normal. I need to know things about you, but you don’t need to know anything about me.”

“I beg to differ. Like, I don’t even know what your success rate is? In your matchmaking? Maybe you're piss poor awful? I doubt it, but what if,”

“I am not piss poor awful, Mr. Night. I am very successful.” With some pride in her voice, she added,  “I’ve worked with 88 couples. You are my 89th client. Out of the 88, I’ve had, so far, 81 marriages.”

“Shiiit,” Azriel whistled.

“3 couples did not work out, unfortunately. The rest are still dating. I am quite good at what I do, Mr. Night. I’ll find you a fine wife.”

“Ughehhh,” he breathed.

“What?”

“Wednesday afternoon, are you free?” he asked instead.

“Why? Is that when you are available?”

“Yes. But I’d like to take you out,”

“Mr. Night,” she started immediately, but he interrupted her,

“Not a date, Ms. Archeron. Calm the fuck down. You ain’t my type,”

“About 5 days ago, you literally said that you wanted your wife to look and act like me. Make up your mind, Mr. Night.”

Azriel laughed.

“You got me there. But really, I am not asking you on a date or anything preposterous like that. Just wanna get out of the office. I have just the place.”

“Just the place…”

“Yeah, I am betting my bollocks that you’ll love it!”

“Keep your bollocks. Let me see,” she looked up her calendar on her phone and said, “I can do 3 pm, if that works for you.”

“Perfect! I’ll pick you up.”

“What shall I wear?” she inquired, now very interested in where he was planning to take her.

“Clothes. Pearls. Your usual posh shit.”

“Posh shit. Got it.”

He continued, “Now, the other reason I rang,”

“Which is?”

“Would like to say ‘hello’ to my mate Pinky.”

“No one by that name here,” Elain said firmly.

“Aww, don’t be like that. Lemmie talk to the wee lad! I bet he missed me.”

“I doubt it.”

“What was he doing when I rang?”

“Watching videos,” Elain told him reluctantly.

“His doggie videos?”

“That’s what he likes.”

“He also likes me. So let us have a chat.”

With a dramatic sigh, she brought the phone closer to Piglet’s face and heard Azriel exclaim,

“Hey big lad! How are you doing?”

Hearing Azriel’s voice made Piglet actually raise his head and his tail wiggled.

“I missed you. Do you have a pretty bow on?” Azriel continued, her voice all sing-songy and cooey. Elain dipped the phone a bit and Azriel saw Piglet’s bow, which was a chequered tartan today. 

“Ohhh, you are handsome!”

Bark. Piglet barked in agreement.

“I had a client from Scotland today,” Elain explained. “He loved the bow.”

“Scotsman also needs a wife?” Azriel asked.

“That’s why people come to me. They either need a husband or a wife.”

“Did Pinky like him?”

Elain looked back at the phone and told him, “He doesn’t really like anyone,”

“He likes me!” Azriel protested.

“Only.”

“What’s that mean?”

“Piglet doesn’t really trust humans. I think he knows that the previous family didn’t want him because of his leg and that when he was hurt, they abandoned him. And after that…well, I don’t know if he understands the concept of death, but I feel like he knew that they didn’t want him alive anymore. That they left him behind and would never come back for him. 

“So he doesn’t really care about humans. He tolerates them, but he only loves me. And the only other person he ever responded to willingly, is…”

“Who?”

“You.”

Azriel didn’t say anything to that.

Elain stroked the dog’s back gently, looking down at him, seemingly having forgotten that Azriel was still on the phone.

“Put him on, will you,” he requested again.

She jerked out of her thoughts and then put the phone in front of the pug.

“You be good,” Azriel ordered him gently. “Take care of Ellie, alright? Remember, lad, you are the man of the house. I trust you to protect our girl when I am not there.”

Bark-bark.

“That’s right. You get me. Miss you, mate. Put Ellie back on the phone.”

Elain just gawked back, unable to form any words. What the HELL was that?

Ellie?

Protect?

OUR GIRL?

What in the world?

“We are kindred spirits, Pink and I,” Azriel decided. “He sees me. And I get him.”

“What?” she breathed, still trying to wrap her mind around everything that she just heard.

“I know about abandonment too…and Pinky recognises that,” Azriel said easily. “You know, when I was 8 years old, my father lost a game of cards. He didn’t have the money to pay, so he offered me, as a consolation prize. The men who played with him–well, they decided that it would be fun to light my hands on fire and see how long it would take for them to burn. And burn they did. When someone finally heard my screams, they rang the emergency services.

“My father and my step-mother never came to see me in the hospital, before I was moved to a foster home. So like I said, I know about abandonment.”

Elain was so shocked, she gasped in horror, staring back at him.

“He knows what it’s like not to be needed,” Azriel added softly and then winked at her. “Enjoy your beauty treatments, matchmaker. I’ll see you on Wednesday. Also, you better root for us tomorrow. G’night.”

With that, he clicked off, leaving Elain bewildered and emotionally destroyed.

-

He would never, ever, ever admit this to anyone, including himself, but Azriel Night was slightly intimidated by Elain Archeron.

She didn't exactly threaten him physically, but psychologically, there was something about her that made him…nervous. Unsure of himself. And he wasn’t a very confident man to begin with. Elain had noticed his self-esteem issues almost instantly–one of the very few people who did–and that made hiding himself from her even more complicated. He wasn’t sure what it was exactly about her, but she made him want to be better. Present the best version of himself. He still yearned to be himself in front of her, because as strange as that was, she seemed to accept him. But he wanted to be someone she enjoyed dealing with. She was judgy, but she didn’t judge him. He annoyed her because he didn’t take her and her work seriously–which he didn’t–but despite their head-butting, Azriel wanted her to like him…Oh Jesus. He sounded like an emotional teenage girl at a sleepover even to himself. 

Why?

She was a pearl-wearing weirdo who had more complexes than she had cardigans. Why did he care what she thought about him? Why?

But he did.

So before he picked up the phone and FaceTimed her, he actually did some push ups. He knew that she had one soft spot–her dog–and he was fully prepared to use Pinky to his advantage. He had the biscuits all prepared, ready to spring them up on her at any moment. But he sure didn’t expect to be talking football and finding out about that side of her. And then getting excited about that…like an emotional teenage girl at a sleepover. Nevertheless, he had all these topics prepared in advance, so he could have a smooth conversation with her…and what he didn’t expect to do was to fuck it all up and tell her about how he got his hands burnt. Absolutely unnecessary. Totally inappropriate. He should’ve stopped when things were funny and light, and when she looked surprised and frazzled and adorable (his favourite look on her). But he went ahead and destroyed it all like a damn sledge hammer. What was wrong with him? Everything. That was the simplest answer. Everything.

He sat in his boxers on the bed, his head buried in his hands. 

It rained outside and he wasn’t looking forward to the game tomorrow, because the weather promised to be abysmally bad and he’d have to run for 90 minutes in the pouring rain. Oh joy. 

Therefore, when his phone rang, Azriel jumped, startled.

It was FaceTime.

He had her under ‘Cute Matchmaker’ in his phone, and she was calling him now. Not even ten minutes after they hung up.

He exhaled and pressed the button.

Before he could say anything, make a joke, or tease, he was faced with Elain’s tear-covered face, her huge, cartoonishly enormous round eyes wet and brimming over with tears. She’d removed all her little beauty patches that she had clearly forgotten about when they were speaking before. Now, it was just her pale, beautiful and grief-stricken face.

“Why did you tell me?” she sobbed. 

He was taken aback and was at a loss for words. He watched her wipe her eyes with her first, but tears just flowed out of her eyes in little rivulets.

“How…how,” she hiccuped, “could they…why? How could they…you were eight…”

She choked back a sob and all Azriel wanted to do was beg her to stop crying, explain that it was over twenty years ago and that it was the past, but he also knew that it would cheapen the emotion of her reaction.

“It’s not human, to do something like that,” she wept. “To take a little boy and maim him like that…Why?”

“People do cruel things all the time,” Azriel’s voice was hollow. 

“But…but…” she gulped in the air, snot and tears mixing together on her face.

“I am sorry,” Azriel said sincerely. “This wasn’t my intention. I didn’t mean to upset you,”

“I can’t believe that something so awful happens in our world,” Elain admitted naively, “it’s incomprehensible.”

Worse things happened in this world, and Azriel had seen many of them, but he didn’t say anything. He wasn’t sure whether Elain Archeron, matchmaker to the rich and powerful, the little delicate pearl-wearing oddity was very adept at living in the real world. She existed on a different plane: enigmatic and sincere in her nature, maybe a little too innocent, but that’s kind of what attracted Azriel to her. Why, despite finding her difficult and mystifying at times, puzzling and irritating he relished in her uniqueness.

“Bad things happen,” he only concluded with general vagueness about his statement. 

“I can’t accept that,”

Azriel wanted to argue, tell her that she was being glib, that it wasn’t a matter of her acceptance and that she needed to accept that some people were born in shit, lived in shit and died in shit. That children were abused and that often, parents were the ones who abused them. He wanted to tell her to get her head out of her arse and face the world in all its ugliness.

But he didn’t say any of that.

He made Elain cry, and it made him feel like a massive arsehole for some reason. Instead of laying harsh truths on her, he wanted to protect and shield her from those very truths. This was a girl who rescued three legged pugs from certain death and then put bows on them. 

“Will you stop crying?” he asked gently.

“No, I can’t. I can’t stop thinking about it. About you. About how horrible it was.”

She sniffled and trembled, and he watched her and Pinky as he rubbed his head against her arm, trying to comfort her. The dog whimpered sadly, not understanding why she was so upset. 

Azriel thought frantically, trying to find a way out of this mess, until something popped into his head. Something that he and Cassian used to do when they were in the group home, to make themselves feel better about their lives.

“Can I make it all better?” he requested quietly.

She looked at him, blinking over her tears.

“How?” she wiped her face again.

“You’ll have to trust me.”

“Ha!”

“Don’t argue with me, woman,” he ordered sternly. “Get your arse in bed, and under the blanket.”

She glared at him suspiciously, not understanding what he wanted. 

Prodding her over the phone wasn’t exactly easy, but he nodded and said, “Come on, lass. Don’t be stubborn. Under the sheets you go.”

The phone wobbled and jolted, but he knew that she followed his directive and in the next moment, she was holding the phone to her face.

“Turn on your side,” he instructed.

She dared to roll her eyes at him, but did as he told her.

“Now what? How is this making me feel better?”

“Ms. Archeron, be quiet for one sec and quit making a fuss. Trust the fucking process.”

“Remember how we discussed language?” she cocked a brow at him.

“Remember how we discussed not being annoying and bossy all the time?”

“We never discussed that.”

“We are discussing it now.”

“Is this sexting? Is this what we are doing?” she suddenly popped her head up from the pillow and stared at him in horror.

Azriel attempted to smother a laugh, though it came out as a loud snort. 

“Do you have any idea what sexting is?”

“Yes, talking sex stuff on the phone. And if this is your idea of making it all better, this is a hard pass. I am not sexting with you.”

“No sexting. You are not my type,” he reminded her.

She only scoffed in indignation at his words.

He quickly added,

“Unless you really want to do some sexting with me. I am quite good at it,”

“No doubt,”

“Good at dirty talk. I’ll understand. No judgement. If the ginger bloke isn’t hitting all the spots–which I am guessing he isn’t since you are home alone with your dog on a Friday night–then I can help out…relieve some tension. No strings attached.”

“You are obsessed with the ‘ginger bloke’ as you call him,” Elain pointed out. 

“More like fascinated with what man would date you?”

She winced at his words and he immediately realised that he didn’t say the right thing. Not at all.

“So in your mind, I am so undateable that only the most odd and deranged man would grace me with his merciful presence?” she whispered and a sad tear rolled down her cheek.

“I am sorry! That’s not what I meant,” he pleaded at once. “I didn’t say it right…”

“No you didn’t,” she concluded. “I am sorry, Mr. Night, but I am tired and upset and your idea of making me feel better isn’t working. Good night.”

“No, no,” he exclaimed quickly, attempting to salvage the situation. “Please. Just stay on the line for a second. I didn’t mean it like that. I just want to know who you chose to be your boyfriend? What does he have that no one else’s got to make you fall for him? Is all. That’s all I meant.”

“You are brutish and aggressive and rude,” she told him, sniffling.

“I know,” he confirmed.

“You are supposed to argue!”

“Why argue if it’s the truth? Now. Close your eyes.”

“Close my eyes?”

“Yes.”

Elain closed her eyes. 

“Think about it, but not too long. And then describe your ideal day,” he urged quietly.

“I don’t know what my ideal day is,” she argued softly. 

“Well, create it for me. Create it in your mind. What do you want to do? Where do you want to go? Who do you want to be with?”

She thought, her brow furrowing and a cute little line appearing between her brows.

At last, she told him, “In London. I want to be in London,”  her eyes were still closed. “I want to wake up and it’s quiet, but I know that I am in the city. I don’t linger for too long, but I do take the longest shower, with like…10 shower heads!”

Azriel smiled at that, but didn’t comment, not wanting to break the spell of the moment.

“And then I dress in something very comfortable–joggers maybe, or a nice tracksuit. Soft and loose. And then, I would go downstairs and there would be breakfast. A full English–fry bread and beans and black pudding. The whole deal. And I would eat it all. All the sausages and all the eggs. And I’d drink all the tea too. And once I am done eating, the door would open and in would come Piglet, and behind him, my husband. And he would…”

She stopped talking.

Azriel waited.

There was more to her dream than just devouring a full English. There was something that she was apprehensive about sharing, but wanted him to know. 

Azriel knew people–he could read them fairly easily, and Elain wasn’t exactly complicated. But he was the captain of his team, and he had to operate and adjust all the time throughout the game, reading his teammates’ moods and needs. 

So as he waited for Elain to say more, he already suspected what it would be. 

“He’d be pushing a pram,” she whispered, voice barely audible. “With our children in it.”

“He is good, this husband of yours,” Azriel commented simply. “Makes you breakfast. Takes the dog out. Minds the children.”

“He loves me. And I love him,” she murmured.

“What’s he look like?”

“He is tall.”

“Anything else?”

“No. He is tall.”

“How many children?” 

“Four. I mean, two when I think about it. But eventually, four. Why do you want to know?”

“Four is a good number,” he approved. “What else? Tell me more.”

“I think I’d like to go to Portobello Road Market and get lost in the crowds and find fun things there to buy.”

Not what he expected, but alright. He leaned towards a fancier store. Not fucking Portobello Road Market. 

“Piglet loves it there,” she added. “He loves crowds. And then we can stop by my sister Nesta’s house and have lunch. Or no…no, no,” she shook her head vigorously. “I want something else!”

“Okay, what do you want?”

“I want to go to Greenwich, to the park. I love that park and the observatory. And the views,”

“You’d be looking at where I live,” he smiled.

“What? Where do you live?”

“Canary Wharf.”

“Ohhh,” she whistled softly. “Fancy! You are a footballer, I guess it makes sense. It’s either that, or Primrose Hill or a big pile in Surrey or something,”

“You are right.” Azriel was amused. But she wasn’t wrong.

“So, we’ve gone all the way from Bloomsbury, to Notting Hill, to Greenwich…Where to now? After the park? What did you do at the park by the way?”

“Played with Piglet. With my husband.”

“Uh-uh. And?”

“And then we need to go to a pub because I’d be tired.”

“Legit.”

“Get a couple of drinks…”

“So your ideal day is travelling around London and eating?”

“Basically yes. I love eating so much,” she admitted dreamily. “Afterwards, I want to have tea somewhere too. At a nice place. Maybe at the Goring.”

“Are you still wearing your tracksuit? And hauling around your dog and kids?” Azriel teased, and she stuck her tongue at him, in a very unlady-like gesture, and un-Elain-like reaction. 

“You are messing up my dream day!”

“Sorry. Just trying to picture you in your very comfy joggers at the Goring. What else then? Where are we finishing this day? A swanky restaurant? A bar?”

Decisively, she said, “no! We’d go to my favourite place.”

“I am waiting here with bated breath, Ms. Archeron. What is your favourite place?”

“G Kelly, Mr. Night. I get a meat pie with small liquor and mash and apple crumble with custard.”

“What the fuck do you know about G Kelly?” he gaped at her through the screen. 

“You are so rude. I like what I like, Mr. Night. Leave me alone. And my husband will love it too!”

“I mean, I love the place, but come on,”

“What does it have to do with you?”

“Aren’t you marrying me? I am tall. I can make babies. I’ll take Pinky out.”

“You are unhinged,” he said flatly. 

“Tell me that you are at least considering it?”

“Marrying you? Hardly.”

“Don’t you want your own bit o’rough?”

“You are not a bit o’rough, Mr. Night. You are a multi-millionaire who lives in Canary Wharf. As I said before, you need to get out of your own head. You are adored by millions and you play for one of the best teams in the world. Yes, you grew up rough, but that’s all behind you,”

“Is it?”

“It is. I grew up as a normal child and I was exposed to many different people and places. I am not as posh as you think.”

“I’ll take your word for it. You feeling better, Ms. Archeron?”

She considered it and then nodded, “I am. Thank you. This was surprising, but it did the trick.”

“I know. Well, sleep well then. I expect you to watch the game tomorrow and root for us. And for me.”

“Oh, is that an order?”

“Yeah, it kind of is. We’ll be discussing it on Wednesday. Don’t get in trouble meanwhile.”

“Oh, I’ll do my best,” she promised, hiding her smile.

“‘Night, big lad,” Azriel called out loudly. “You be good too.”

Piglet was already asleep. 

-

The more you know…

[notrightnowsblog]

I’ve been thinking of a Muppet adaptation of Pride and Prejudice. And there’s really only one way I see it going. Gonzo would narrate in character as Jane Austen the same way he did as Charles Dickens.

Piggy would insist on playing Lizzie and would be thrilled that Darcy is played be a handsome English actor. Let’s say Josh O’Conner, who plays the role like it’s a Merchant Ivory production instead of a Muppet movie. Piggy is over the moon that she finally starring in a “quality picture.”

Most of the rest of the cast is Muppets. The lack of major female coded characters is mostly ignored, just slotting the best or funniest option for the part. Beaker is Mr. Bennet, constantly roped into being a test subject for Bunson as Mrs. Bennet’s elaborate Rube Goldberg devices to catch husbands for their daughters, Sam the Eagle is Mr Collins. Statler and Waldorf are twin sisters Lady Catherine and Kathleen DeBourgh. Fozzie is Mary but instead of the piano he’s forcing everyone to listen to his standup. Link Hogthrob is Wickham who has to be dragged to elope by Pepe the prawn as Lydia.

And Kermit, sweet affable, Kermit, is of course Mr. Bingley. Piggy is happy to gush to him about Joshiepoo/Darcykins and how wonderful it is to be in a classic romance with such a handsome leading man. And she’s delighted when Kermit appears a tiny bit jealous.

The movie starts as a faithful adaptation, as faithful as it can be with the Muppets. Sure you get little interactions where they are clearly themselves instead of Auten’s character’s, commenting on the script, cracking jokes, bickering etc. Then Piggy witnesses Bingley-Kermit and Jane, who is played by an elegant English rose of an actress, seeming a little too chummy. Maybe the actress (Emma Watson would work) is assuring Kermit that Piggy doesn’t really have feelings for Josh but all Piggy sees is Emma’s hand on Kermit’s back. From then on she’s frantically running around trying to both perform her role as Elizabeth while also sabotaging Jane and Kermit’s scenes.

It works, she startles the horse Jane is riding making Emma fall off and twist her ankle. Emma quits. piggy declare she’ll just have to play Jane too, but no need. Gonzo as Miss Austen introduces a replacement, Lily James.

So now it’s Piggy vs. whatever pretty lady is Jane for this scene. Lily “accidentally” takes croquet mallet to the face. Josh OConner has to chase Piggy through a forest trying to perform Darcy’s first proposal because Piggy is hellbent on running over Sophie Turner with a golf cart.

The whole thing has devolved into chaos by the third act with Kermit screaming at Piggy that of course he was just acting! And he was just mad that she never considered him to be Darcy material. Gonzo rewrites the script so Bingley and Darcy were switched at birth and Kermit is actually Darcy. Final scene is the double wedding of Kermit and Piggy as Lizzie and Darcy and Josh now demoted to Bingley marrying last minute replacement Jane, Sweetums.

Gonzo declares this is all exactly as he, Jane Austen, always envisioned it.

[autumnslance]

FFXIV Write 2023 Day 22: Fulsome

C’oretta opened the door and sighed heavily as she got the lights. She really needed to finish this task. “All right come on Violet let’s get you a snack and in your bed while I get this work done.”

The little piggy squealed happily, running around her legs as C’oretta set out snacks and made sure Violet’s bed was in the big window, right in the light.

Once her little buddy was snuggling in for a nap, C’oretta went to the table where the next few boxes waited.

Her childhood home was terribly empty and quiet; she had given away or sold some of the furnishings and general items, though some furniture remained, covered in tarps and mothballs. She hadn’t swept or dusted in awhile, but would do so to get the worst out before having a maid service come in and scour the place top to bottom.

For now, her plan was to rent it out; she had taken over all the financials and property, given her mother’s condition, but the thought of living here herself wasn’t a good one. Not yet. It also just wasn’t terribly convenient, truth be told, especially with her company moving to Gridania.

Khell had owned the house outright, thanks to his Coliseum winnings, but taxes and utilities and other bills still had to be paid and if it weren’t for her family’s long-time retainers (who also had to be paid on schedule) helping her out, C’oretta would be in much more trouble.

But before she could rent the place, she had to go through her parents’ possessions. Some had gone to Mama in her hospital room, to keep her happy and comfortable. There was a lot in storage though, some C’oretta hadn’t seen in years—if ever!--that required decisions.

This box, for instance, seemed to be full of old newspapers and flyers for both Khell and C’leiha’s old performances.

“The Clanless Triumphs Again! Khell dominates in a barefisted brawl against the Redrock Brothers!”

“...the ballet’s shining star, C’leiha Tehn, elevated the entire show with her sublime performance…”

“Khell the Clanless on Exhibition! Witness the Fisticuffs Master take on all-comers!”

“The Divine C’leiha Tehn will dance for the Sultana’s birthday celebrations, a gift from the Traders themselves…”

C’oretta sorted through the papers. Some of the fulsome praise seemed the genuine gushing of excited fans, some of it exaggerated to get people into seats.

If life had gone according to her parents’ plans, there might have been stacks of papers praising C’oretta’s performances—or bemoaning how she did not live up to her mother’s graceful beauty. She had never even considered the Coliseum, though she might have done all right there.

C’oretta shook her head and closed up the box. She liked her adventuring life just fine, and not dealing with quite as much attention as the Warrior of Light—many of the articles and reports and face-to-face interactions her friend dealt with sounding a little too much like the ones in her box, set aside on the “keep” pile.

Their Champion could have that praise; it was earned, even if some of it was given less sincerely than others.

With Violet snoring away in the sunlight, C’oretta began sorting the next box.

[strayheartless]

(heyyyy) how are the witch boyfriends with the other coven kids? do they like them? dislike them? any urges to adopt?

heheheheheheh *excited critter noises* WHEN I TELL YOU I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO ASK ME THIS DAMN QUESTION!

So just to get one thing straight, the boys (in this AU at least) are happy being child free and don't plan to bring little ones into the fold anytime soon.

HOWEVER(!!!!)

Gen and Angeal grew up in the Coven. It wastheir home and so they have been around for most of the births of the babies. this means the kids know them and love to bug them and have them play with them. Secretly I think Angeal probably would like to have a kid someday, but Gen and Sephiroth specifically are not there yet.

Seph finds adults difficult, so children are a whole different language to him, and Gen currently likes his freedom too much to be tied to reruns of bluey and bathtimes. Both of them agreed when they started dating that they'd talk about it again when they were both thirty. Later Angeal and Zack accepted theses trems as fair. Cloud never verbally said "yes, that is fair" but he has also never challenged it.

Zack is a big kid at heart and is very good with the Coven Kids. They think he's funny and find him endlessly facinating cause "You heal animals without magic??? thats so cooool!" hes the fun uncle at parties and events and they are usually getting piggy backs off of him and hanging off his arms.

Angeal is the sensible uncle that usually is the one calling "be careful kids!" when things get rough. He is also A+ dadgeal when the kids are upset and their parents are not there.

Genesis plays at hating having them near him. The kids find him endlessly entertaining when he makes a show of rolling his eyes at them and calling them snot nosed brats. but he always ruins it by winking at them and sneaking them candy.

Sephiroth does not know how to handle them at all. he has saved them from falling a few times. a specific memory of a kiddo falling off a play frame has everyone gushing at how fast Sephiroth moved to catch little Terra (don't look at me like that KH will always be my go to for kiddos) before he hit the floor.

Cloud is a Closet child whisperer. He doesn't appear as someone who would be good with kids but there are a few kids that just follow him around endlessly. He engages them well and treats them like intelegent beings. They all fight for Cloud cuddles when he's feeling up to giving them and theres one little boy in paticular that likes to quietly come and sit with Cloud at coven parties and lean on his arm.

Everyone in the Coven is bound by a magical duty of care spell to make sure that the Kids are safe and loved. Part of the reason Angeal doesn't push Gen and Seph is because in reality they look after the coven kids like everyone else and that resposibility is enough.

That being said.... that Quiet little silver haired kid... the one called Riku. Yeah he might just worm his way into their lives a little snugger than the rest.