2024 Academy Award Best Picture Nominees Guide For Those Who Haven’t Actually Watched Them
In a year when the names of pretty much every movie are combinations of random, non-descript words, and with a lineup of films that few people did actually watch or even legitimately know what they’re about (except Barbenheimer) - the Academy really tested the flimsy premise of this now decade-old bit.
But tis the season! So sing along with me! My awards have a first name, it’s O-S-C-A-R!
My awards have a second name, it’s C-O-R-P-O-R-A-T-E-H-O-L-L-Y-W-O-O-D-W-I-L-L-S-O-O-N-B-R-E-A-K-I-T-S-P-R-O-M-I-S-E-T-O-T-H-E-U-N-I-O-N-S-A-N-D-C-R-E-A-T-E-A-L-L-O-F-T-H-E-S-E-M-O-V-I-E-S-W-I-T-H-A-I-I-N-T-H-E-F-U-T-U-R-E!
So, let’s dive in for this 10th rundown of the Best Picture nominees!
American Fiction
What Florida Governor Ron DeSantis calls critical race theory.
3 Things To Casually Inject Into Conversation To Prove You Saw The Movie And Sound Like An Expert:
German Fiction is what those who planned to vote for DeSantis call Zone of Interest.
If this wins, Faye Dunaway and Warren Beatty will announce it as La La Land.
Tracee Ellis Ross plays the role of Dr. Lisa Ellison. Other original names for characters were Myra Lucretia Taylor as Dr. Mary Lucretiason, Michael Cyril Creighton as Dr. Thomas Cyrilson and Sterling K. Brown as Dr. William K.-son.
Anatomy of a Fall
About 6-foot-2 and roughly 200 pounds at the time that he slapped Chris Rock at this awards show in 2022.
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You know what they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in Paris? They call it Anatomie D'Une Cheese.
I thought it was a bit lazy that in order to play the half-blind son, director Justine Triet just put an eye-patch on Milo Machado-Graner and exclaimed, “Mon Dieu! Ze garçon is now half blind. Voir!
Eric Clapton’s least favorite Best Picture nominee.
Barbie
A sharp and immensely profitable attack upon the patriarchy and a film that became a rallying cry for female empowerment in Hollywood that garnered no Best Director or Best Actress nominations but nabbed a nom for penis-owning actor Ryan Gosling.
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Hi Barbie!
One day during childhood, I agreed to play Barbies with my two sisters and my brother. But we played Saved By The Bell with Ken as Zack Morris, an Aladdin doll as A.C. Slater and various Barbies as Kelly, Jessie and Lisa. It was civil until I got bored and used another Ken doll to be Screech and all of a sudden gave him the power (ironically…Screech's last name was Powers) to fly and then pretended he was flying over the Dream House and farting and pooping down (also ironically in light of Dustin Diamond’s later activities) on everyone causing my sisters to scream at me while I cackled with laughter. Not really a joke. Just a real crystalized childhood memory that I'm sadly still kind of proud of and also still think is very funny.
Next year, the Polly Pocket movie will be a tremendous hit, break down traditional gender norms, and Austin Butler will be the only one nominated for an Oscar for playing Paul E. Pocket.
The Holdovers
A story about a group that has nowhere to go after they are abandoned in New England…the 2020 Patriots.
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The lead role called for a “stubborn, curmudgeonly” character and Paul Giamatti just materialized on set.
To achieve Giamatti’s character Paul Hunham’s trademark lazy eye, Alexander Payne enlisted the help of Anatomy of a Fall director Justine Triet who came on set and addressed Giamatti’s right eye, saying, “Bonjour, eye! Do some work, s'il vous plaît. (Pauses for a beat.) Sacre bleu! Ze eye refuses to work. Zis is a lazy eye!”
This is the first collaboration between director Alexander Payne and actor Paul Giamatti since Sideways which now makes sense since there are various points in the film where a character, with absolutely no context or prompting, sips a glass of merlot and spits it on the ground screaming, “Merlot is the worst liquid in the universe!” But it was a bit much when the last scene of the movie was Paul Giamatti looking directly into the camera and saying, “Fuck you, merlot,” before the credits rolled.
Killers of the Flower Moon
Ernest in the Army. Ernest Scared Stupid. Ernest Goes to Jail.
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Leonardo DiCaprio initially turned down the role when he learned that his romantic interest in the film, Mollie Kyle, was 137 years old, saying, "Maybe without the 7!"
IMDB lists this movie’s runtime in years.
Scorsese rejected composer Robbie Robertson’s first score for the film that included “‘Up on Cripple Creek…Is Where They Found Anna’s Body’”, “I Shall Be Released…Is What King Hale Tells Ernest While In Jail”, “The Weight…Of His Transgressions Caused Ernest to Testify Against His Uncle” and “Ophelia…Is Probably The Name of One of The Background Osage Women Characters, Oh Come On Marty, Just Put It In The Credits, People Love This Song”
Maestro
Seasoned musician Leonard Bernstein (Bradley Cooper) discovers-and falls in love with-struggling actress Felicia Montealegre (Carey Mulligaga). She has just about given up on her dream to make it big as an actress - until Leonard coaxes her into the spotlight. But even as Felicia’s career takes off, the personal side of their relationship is breaking down, as Leonard fights an ongoing battle with his own internal demons. Then, he pisses his pants at the Grammys.
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Early critical reviews of the trailer focused on the “Anatomy of a Face”.
Just like in “A Star Is Born”, Bradley Cooper took vocal lessons to actually perform Leonard Bernstein's classic “Hallelujah”. (What’s that? There are two Jewish Leonards?)
Cooper spent nearly 45% of the film’s budget on that epic final battle scene between Bernstein and Lydia Tár.
Oppenheimer
Julius Robert Oppenheimer Schmidt! That's my name too! Whenever I got out, the people always shout, “There goes Julius Robert Oppenheimer Schmidt!” Na-na na-na na-na-na!
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In an alternate scene, it's revealed that the exchange between Oppenheimer and Edison by the pond that caused Albert to react so sadly when walking past Robert Downey Jr. is that Oppenheimer tried to sneak a fart but then said, “Oh no. I just Oppensharted.”
Nolan took some liberties with the true story. In reality, the U.S. killed between 110,000 and 210,000 Japanese citizens…with kindness.
Since ABC does not include the Academy’s Scientific and Technical Awards during the broadcast, we will not see Cillian Murphy’s acceptance speech for Best Seated Mangina.
Past Lives
This film follows the stories of the characters’ souls across time, and the stories are interwoven as they advance, showing how they all interact in their “past lives”. The film explores how people's “past lives” are connected with and influence each other and…wait a second. Nope. That’s Cloud Atlas. (Do not watch Cloud Atlas.)
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Due to scheduling conflicts with Poor Things, Emma Stone was unable to play the female Asian lead this time.
However, in the North Korean version of the film, Kim Jong Un played the role. And all the other roles. And won all of the Oscars. Ever.
This movie is a prequel to the movie Lives.
Poor Things
From Pixar comes the story of little Sally Sangiovese, a newly bottled red Italian wine who is separated from her Sangio-family and sent to the wine cellar. There, she’ll befriend Nelson Nebbiolo, a wizened red from the Piedmont region who is coming up on 30 years in the cellar but still hasn’t gotten over the loss of his Spanish love, Tia Tempranillo, who was pulled from the cellar for a quinceañera dinner the year prior. Together, the two will hatch a plan to release themselves from the cellar to reunite Sally with her family and Nelson con su amor. Along their adventurous aging process, audiences will discover that even when the bottle appears half-empty, you simply decant dampen the spirit of these…Pour Things!
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Max McCandles was actually the original name of Lumière from Beauty and the Beast.
Unfortunately this story of a British woman receiving a brain transplant isn’t about J.K. Rowling.
This is the first movie written by new AI trained only on Dr. Seuss books, Kanye West’s Twitter feed and the dreams of Gary Busey.
The Zone of Interest
Rudolf the conflicted Nazi! Had a garden full of rows! Of plants his wife liked to tend to! Horrifically juxtaposed! Then one sunny German day, Hitler came to say, “Rudolf of the triple Reich, won't you Holocaust tonight!” Then, how he wrestled with morality! As he puked and thought, “Why me?!” Rudolf the conflicted Nazi! This one’s really hard for comedy!
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The popularity of the film has already led to a sequel, Höss Party 2.
Probably also the title of one of the Mission Impossible movies.
I actually did watch every other movie nominated for Best Picture this year, but The Zone of Interest is the only one I did Nazi!
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Merry christmas, Sincere! So hi im ur secret santa hahahaha! I know it’s kind of weird to have a sickfic for christmas but I rly tried to write something christmassy and ummmm yeh as u can see it didnt work out hahaha! Hope u still enjoy it with its fluff!!
Summary: Trucy is running a fever while Mr Wright's at a trial so Apollo takes on the nursing duty. But health issues aren't the only issues Apollo will help with today.
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“Trucy has a fever?”
Upon hearing that, Apollo and Athena turned away from the client to look at their boss concernedly.
“Mm. ... Yes. … Oh... But I’m in the middle of a trial...” Mr Wright glanced at the clock. They only had five more minutes before the trial began again.
Eyes wide with worry, the client stared at him, wordlessly begging him not to leave. At that, Mr Wright flashed her a smile that assured her that he will be staying.
“I’ll ask someone to head over to fetch Trucy on my behalf,” Mr Wright spoke into his phone. “I’ll text you that person’s number. ... Yes. Thanks.” He pressed the “End Call” button before pulling his two protégés aside. “Well, you guys heard it. Trucy’s school called and she’s running a fever. And I can’t exactly leave halfway. Could one of you help me out?” he said with a sheepish grin. “I’d usually ask Edgeworth but he’s in Germany now...”
“I’ll go,” Apollo said, raising a hand. “Our client seems to need some help managing her fear, doesn’t she?”
“She does,” Athena affirmed. “It’s making her mess up a lot of her statements.”
“Then, it’s decided. I’ll go.”
Mr Wright wrote down something on a notepad and tore the page out. “This is the school’s address.” He handed Apollo the note and patted his shoulder. “Thanks for your help, Apollo. I’m counting on you to take care of her till the trial is over. I trust you’ll be fine though.”
The bailiff called the defense back to the courtroom and the defendant jolted in fear. Calmly, Mr Wright turned to her and comforted her. Athena held the defendant’s hand and squeezed it comfortingly.
Apollo glanced back as the three of them headed back into the courtroom before heading out. He took a look at the note Mr Wright had passed to him. The school wasn’t far from here. He quickly reached there by bus and got a visitor’s pass from the security guard before heading to the reception area.
“Hi, I’m here to pick up Trucy. Trucy Wright?” he told the receptionist.
“Ah, she is in the sickbay. I’ll wake her up,” the receptionist said.
Apollo pursed his lips. Was Trucy asleep? This fever seemed to be doing a number on the usually energetic magician. And he was right. As Trucy walked out of the sickbay, she looked incredibly exhausted, slinging her bag over her shoulder.
“Oh! Polly?” Her hand flew to her mouth. “You’re here?”
“Uh, yeah. Your dad’s in the middle of the trial so I’m here instead,” Apollo explained. He glanced over her quickly before gently tugging at her bag. “I’ll carry that for you. You look terrible.”
For a moment, Trucy stubbornly tightened her grip around the strap. But Apollo was just as stubborn and she was feeling tired after all so she let go and sat at one of the benches.
The receptionist took out a form and told Apollo to fill it up so Trucy could sign out. He nodded and quickly filled it up. When he gave it back to the receptionist, her eyes widened in surprise. “You’re her coworker?”
“Um... Yes?” Well, technically I’m her employee but that’d be harder to explain. Apollo thought, cringing internally.
The receptionist laughed good-naturedly. “You two look so alike. I almost thought you were her brother! So you are a magician as well?”
“No, I’m not her brother,” he said, scratching the back of his head sheepishly. “And I’m not a magician either. I’m a defense attorney. See?” He lifted his lapel.
“Polly, are you flashing your badge again?” Trucy asked from behind him.
“... No.”
The receptionist giggled as she filed the form away. “You two really get along well. Thank you for picking her up.” She craned her neck to look at the sick girl. “Rest well, Trucy!”
Seeing how tired Trucy was, Apollo got an Uber to take them back to the Wright Anything Agency.
As soon as they got in, Trucy started to nod off. However, when her head began to droop, she would suddenly straighten up again and the cycle would repeat.
“Just close your eyes,” Apollo said, leaning towards her. “You’re tired, right?”
“Ey, lass, y’ sick?” the Uber driver boomed, peered behind.
“Please look in front while driving,” Apollo reminded.
“Yep,” Trucy replied. “Fever.”
The driver nodded and turned his body slightly to look at her. “Thought so. Take forty winks, lil’ lady.” (“Oh god! Please look where you’re driving! Car! Car!”) Yer brother there can wake y’ up when we reach.”
“He’s not my brother,” Trucy said with a slight pout. “He’s just Polly.”
“Ey! Sorry ‘bout that! Y’ two got the same face!” the driver guffawed so loudly the car seemed to be shaking. Apollo clung to the roof handle for his dear life.
“Why do so many people say that?” Trucy mused aloud. “My friends in school say that too. Remember that time when I forgot my umbrella, Polly?”
Gulping, Apollo nodded. He won’t be remembering that any longer if the driver kept turning around to talk to them. “Alright, nice. Can you please nap now? No talking while napping,” Apollo said, patting her head. At least then Trucy won’t goad the driver into talking again.
“Good night,” Trucy muttered absently as she curled up in her bed.
“Good night,” Apollo replied even though he knew that was a weird thing to say at 10am. As he sat at the living room, he texted Mr Wright.
You: Trucy’s home now. She’s running a fever of 38.5 degrees. [10:34 AM]
Tentatively, he peered into Trucy’s room. Apollo felt pretty useless as he watched her tossing and turning uncomfortably. Never had he been needed to take care of someone else with a fever. And usually when he was sick, he’d just sleep it off.
Surely, he shouldn’t just be telling Trucy to sleep and leaving it at that. He frowned in thought for a while and paced around. Then, he picked up his phone again.
You: im taking care of trucy cos shes got a fever. 38.5 but wth do ppl usually do for fevers??? [10:39 AM]
The reply was almost instantaneous.
spaceman: Oof [10:39 AM]
spaceman: Give her water [10:40 AM]
spaceman: And paracetamol or watever [10:40 AM]
spaceman: Put a wet towel on her forehead [10:40 AM]
You: im not sure where mr wright keeps his medication stuff though. i asked trucy and she doesnt know either [10:40 AM]
You: shld i ask mr wright??? [10:40 AM]
spaceman: Yeah. Do that. [10:41 AM]
You: not sure when he can reply. hes at a trial now [10:41 AM]
spaceman: Ohhhhhhh [10:41 AM]
spaceman: No wonder ure the one taking care of her [10:41 AM]
spaceman: Good luck bro!! Dont die!!! [10:41 AM]
You: ok tks i wont [10:41 AM]
spaceman: Btw for the towel, get a basin so u dun need to run abt [10:41 AM]
You: k [10:42 AM]
After sending a message asking Mr Wright where he kept his medications, Apollo placed a cup and a jar of water on Trucy’s bedside table. With a bit of nudging, she finally sat upright to down an entire glass of water before sinking back into her bed with a flop. Then, he followed what Clay said and got a basin of water and a towel. Apollo soaked the towel and wrung it before placing it on Trucy’s forehead.
Apollo noticed the minute relaxation of her facial muscles so he supposed he was doing this right at least. Thank god for Clay. What would he ever do without him?
Feeling his phone vibrate in his pocket, Apollo picked it up again.
spaceman: AND SOUP OR PORRIDGE [10:53 AM]
spaceman: FOR LUNCH [10:53 AM]
spaceman: Im kinda assuming mr wright wont be back before lunch cos ure usually MIA for almost an entire day when uve got a trial [10:54 AM]
You: good idea [10:54 AM]
spaceman: Careful not to drop the entire bottle of pepper in the pot again. Itll kill the poor girl. Her dads a lawyer, apollo. Dont risk it ;-;[10:54 AM]
You: THAT WAS ONE TIME [10:55 AM]
spaceman: Tell that to my poor tongue :( [10:55 AM]
You: I GET IT STOP [10:55 AM]
spaceman: RIP Clay Terran’s tongue. 2004-2024 Death by pepper poisoning. [10:55 AM]
You: ITS TIME TO S T O P [10:55 AM]
spaceman: Dont. Stop me nOOOOWWW [10:55 AM]
You: why r u quoting queen in 2027 [10:56 AM]
spaceman: Why r YOU quoting filthy frank in 2027 [10:56 AM]
You: why r we even friends [10:56 AM]
spaceman: What do u mean?? This is precisely why we r friends [10:56 AM]
spaceman: IVE BEEN CAUGHT MY PHONE NOOOOOOOO [10:56 AM]
You: wow. a murder right before my eyes. ngl i feel nothing for ur death. [10:57 AM]
spaceman: Aura speaking, apollo, stop texting clay while hes at work. [10:57 AM]
You: Noted. Sorry. [10:57 AM]
“Trucy, please get back in bed,” Apollo said. “You’re still sick.”
“My fever’s gone, isn’t it?” Trucy said, puffing her cheek, as she continued to carry things out of the fridge to be defrosted.
“Well, yeah,” Apollo said. “But you’re not completely well yet. The sick should stay in bed to rest.”
“Do you even follow your own advice?” Trucy said, arms akimbo.
“Yes?” Apollo tried, rubbing his bracelet.
The piercing look Trucy gave him made him shrink back. Lying was futile. She could perceive lies too after all. Was this what it felt like at the other end of courtroom scrutiny?
“Okay, fine. I don’t,” he admitted. “But you’re a kid! A growing kid! I’ll do the cooking, alright?”
“The guest shouldn’t be doing the cooking.”
“I’m not guest, Trucy! I’m supposed to take care of you!”
“Look, Dad’s coming back for lunch. I can’t leave him hungry,” she said.
Apollo drooped with a sigh. “I’m sure what he means is that he’s coming back to settle lunch for you. Look, I could even ask him right now!
“I highly doubt he can cook,” Trucy stated, pouting.
“Mr Wright’s an adult. I’m sure he can settle his own meals. But if you really think that, I can just do the cooking. Your germs are going to get in the food anyway.”
“I can wear a mask,” Trucy rebutted.
Apollo waved his arms wildly before dropping them in exhaustion. “Rest. Please? Trucy?”
Trucy frowned at her feet. “It’s just a meal. I can do a meal.”
“Exactly! So can your dad. It’s just a meal. He can handle that by himself,” he said.
“I’m cooking,” Trucy insisted, stomping her foot.
“Why are you so stubborn about this?” Apollo sighed. Then, he noticed her fists shaking with emotion. “Trucy…” He watched her closely. “Is this really just about cooking?”
Her sharp blue eyes shot up to glare at Apollo. “Polly! You’re perceiving me?!”
Rubbing the bridge of his nose, Apollo muttered, “Sorry. Habit. But answer me truthfully, Trucy.” He looked at her again, his brown orbs warm and gentle now. “This isn’t just about cooking lunch, is this?”
“I’m supposed to be the one who cooks lunch every day,” Trucy replied.
“So you see it as a- um… a duty?”
A silent nod.
“So skipping out makes you feel bad?” Apollo asked as he pulled a chair out and sat on it. “Like you’re not doing your part?”
Another nod. This time, she tentatively added, “It’s like a contract.”
He hummed in understanding. Then, he dragged another chair out and patted the seat.
Gingerly, Trucy sat down beside him. Her hands gripped the sides of the chair, tense.
“I kind of get it,” Apollo began. “I mean, being a foster kid, most of my relationships with my guardians feel like contracts too. ‘If you don’t do this and that, you won’t get, um, whatever.’ So I kind of get it. That kind of spread to my other relationships to be honest. So I always get this guilt when I’m not — I don’t know — performing?”
Trucy huffed in amusement.
“Have I ever told you about my best friend?”
“Clay?”
“Yeah, him. I used to always set rules for myself on what I should do for and with Clay,” Apollo continued. “I’d, um, not go for things, like parties or school projects, if he wasn’t going with me because I felt bad enjoying myself without him and stuff like that. When he found out, he got so mad at me and said it was dumb.”
Trucy snickered. “That is dumb.”
“Yeah, because, you know, he really hated that I wasn’t doing things for myself because I had set my own rules for our friendship. Well, the point I’m making is this,” Apollo said. “People who care about you wouldn’t want your relationship with them to restrict or hurt you, you know? People who really care would want the best for you, I think.” He looked up at Trucy. “And I think your father cares about you. A lot.”
Trucy was silent. She wasn’t meeting his eyes.
“I-I hope the things I said made sense,” Apollo stuttered. “I was just saying what I thought. I’m really not that good with words- URNGH!”
Trucy had slammed her face into his chest. Stiffly, Apollo’s arms hovered at his shoulder level as the teenager tightened her embrace. A fond smile spread across his face. Slowly, he lowered his arms over her shoulders and pat between her shoulder blades.
“Thanks, Polly,” Trucy said as she pulled back. She shot him a cheeky grin. “You make a pretty decent older brother.”
Apollo rolled his eyes. “Quit teasing me. Now, go sleep. I have a meal to make.”
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