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hawkinsschoolcounselor · 4 years

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“Why do you lie?”: A look at a gay Mike Wheeler

This is a sort of a companion post to Will Byers and Growing Up Gay in the Pre-Internet Era, which I posted last year. I looked into what could have possibly been going on with Will as someone with a gay identity at a time when there was little support. Now I’d like to look at Mike, who would have his own unique challenges towards accepting a positive identity. This isn’t meant to be a post for why Mike is gay, as I (and several others) have already addressed that. Instead, I want to look at some of the psychological processes that may be at work in how Mike develops through the series. I will be treating Mike as if he were a real person, rather than a fictional character, and, so, I will attempt to ignore narrative devices (foreshadowing, parallels, etc.) as much as possible.

“Friends don’t lie” is one of the prevailing messages in Stranger Things. It more or less becomes El’s personal motto, so it ultimately became associated more with her than the person who taught it to her: Mike. Despite attempting to instill this value onto El, Mike himself is shown to have a lot of trouble living up to it. While Mike spends quite a lot of time in Season 3 lying to El, she is not the biggest victim of his lies. No, the one he lies to the most is himself, and he seems to have been doing that since Season 1.

According to the Cass Identity Model, a journey to a positive gay identity requires several steps: confusion, comparison, tolerance, acceptance, pride, and synthesis. This is not a perfect model, but it is one of the better attempts to create a general framework for how it worked for many gay individuals, at least in the time it was created (1979). A general way to look at it is that, at least at the time, individuals would work their way through this process as they engaged with the gay and lesbian community and started to see it as less of a bad thing and more as something to be proud of until it finally becomes just another part of who they are.

As I mentioned in my Will post, there is little opportunity for a kid in Hawkins to engage with the gay and lesbian community. There is no internet, nor is there any (known) place for local gays to gather in Hawkins. This results in the only real mention of homosexuality being the slurs thrown around by school bullies and people like Lonnie. A town like Hawkins would be a very difficult place for a young gay person to grow up. This makes it hard for even the initial stage, confusion, even occurring. Mike has deep feelings for Will, but the confusion stage requires that he acknowledge his feelings as homosexual in nature. Instead, I think Mike has been hiding from his own feelings, and it may not have been until the finale of Season 3 that he finally acknowledged them for the first time. So what comes before the first stage?

Lies! Well, sort of. Defense mechanisms are how our minds protect us from the anxiety and social consequences of unwanted thoughts and desires. We all use them, unconsciously, to some extent. The next time you come home from a hard day at work and yell at a family member, ask yourself why you’re angry. Odds are it’s nothing the family member did. Getting angry at work can be a risk to your employment, so, instead, you unconsciously find a “safer” target. In this case it’s still bad, but getting forgiveness from a family member is easier than talking a boss into rehiring you. Mike has similar processes going on to protect him from his budding attraction to Will.

It’s impossible to tell when exactly Mike started thinking of Will as more than a friend, even if he doesn’t label the thoughts as such. He already shows an intense concern for Will in Season 1. When the boyish-looking El shows up and provides an opportunity to find Will, Mike risks his friendships to make use of her powers. He also goes over the top in disguising her as, well, a girl. It probably would have been easier to disguise her as a boy, but Mike decided to put a wig and dress on her, and then apply makeup to her. This could be a combination of displacement and reaction formation. Mike is redirecting his feelings for Will onto El, and also making her as obviously female as he can.

Mike’s bond with El came very quickly, and even caused a rift within the Party. While Dustin and Lucas would come around and value El as a trusted friend, their process with her is more natural than Mike’s rushed, forced relationship with her. Dustin and Lucas had no weird feelings to hide from. Their search for Will contained no unwanted implications, they simply wanted their friend back safe and sound. Still, we would see Mike on the opposite end of this type of interaction in Season 2.

Max is the first “normal” girl to show interest in the Party. Mike reacts to her presence and attempts to join the party with hostility. There is little reason for this, as he was more than willing to allow El to be their friend. He doesn’t truly hate her, and in his own words he can’t hate her as he doesn’t even know her. He simply wants nothing to do with her. His only given reason is that the party is full as it is, which seems to fall flat. It could be that the presence of a girl reminds him of El, but we don’t see him acting hostile to girls in general. It seems, instead, to be his friends’ interest in her that gets Mike to dislike her. While the theory that he is jealous at Will’s interest in Max is intriguing, there isn’t much to go on aside from Will showing a curiosity about her and then letting Dustin and Lucas bring her along for Halloween. Instead, Mike may be projecting here. He shows incredulity that Dustin and Lucas could be so interested in Max despite never having talked to her, suggesting that he thinks getting to know someone is important in regards to being romantically interested. This runs counter to his interactions with El in Season 1. He resents his own behavior, but takes his anger out on his friends and Max instead when he sees them doing something similar.

Mike is very protective of Will throughout Season 2. He also spends a lot of time reaching out to El via his SuperComm, though he admits it’s likely a fruitless effort. His guilt over what has happened to the both of them is another sign of his mixed up feelings for Will and El. On Halloween, Mike and Will open up to each other about how crazy they feel, and they share a smile at the end of a conversation that is arguably a masked love confession. However, as Mike twice brought up El as a part of their conversation, it further reinforces the displacement of Mike’s feelings to her. However, soon after this, Mike finds himself caught up in another Will-related crisis, and El is out of his thoughts until her return at the end of the season.

Mike also shows a lot of willingness to allow himself to be vulnerable with Will in Season 2, something which isn’t seen in his interactions with anyone else. In these moments, Mike’s body language shifts. His tone becomes softer, his head dips slightly, and he peers at Will through his lashes. His aforementioned conversation on Halloween is just one example, but it is also seen when Will is asked if he remembers Mike, when Mike recounts meeting Will as they try to break through to him, when they’re at the movies, and when Will is packing at the end of Season 3. The moment in the shed is perhaps Mike’s most vulnerable moment. He shares a cherished memory, and unashamedly cries while doing so, perhaps even so lost in the moment that he forgets other people are in the room. His feelings, driven into overdrive by the fear of losing Will for good, are beginning to overwhelm him, but he still maintains his “Will behavior.”

This shows an uncharacteristic degree of trust and/or submission. In interactions with other characters, even El, Mike often displays assertive, or even aggressive, tones and stances. Mike doesn’t realize he does this, but we do see him sometimes use similar body language with El, further suggesting that he is redirecting his affections.

Perhaps the biggest moment we see him act this way around El is at the Snow Ball at the end of Season 2. Mike had been having a great time at the dance until Will had gone off to dance. This is strange considering Mike seemed to urge him to go with the girl in the first place. He appears shocked as the pair walks to the dance floor, his mouth agape, and wide eyes staring off into space. This isn’t the body language of someone expressing pride at a friend’s unexpected boldness, but rather it suggests a disturbing revelation. It is at this point that Mike could potentially have moved into the Confusion stage of the Cass model, as he sits on the sidelines (despite Dustin briefly there for company) watching Will dance. Any progress he may have made is instead halted when El arrives unexpectedly. This allows for him to continue using her as an outlet, and gives him a convenient escape from where his thoughts would likely take him.

Season 3 is the first time Mike had to deal with having both El and Will in his life at the same time, and it’s where his defense mechanisms begin to break down. In therapy, the goal is to shine light onto defense mechanisms in order to deconstruct them, so the patient can see and deal with what is actually going on.

We find out Mike has been largely ignoring his friends and spending most of his time with El. He makes a big show of his relationship with El, including leaving early after Dustin had returned from camp under the false pretense of a curfew. The others don’t buy it, and Mike likely knew this. He wanted them to know he was going off to make out with El. When we actually see them alone, they do indeed make out, but, curiously, Mike twice takes steps to make it less intimate. He stops to sing along to the music, for example, despite El not enjoying it. He also removes El’s hands from her face, leaving them both simply leaning forward at each other without additional contact. There is a suggestion here that Mike is not enjoying what he is doing and limiting just how intimate they get.

We continue to see his lack of a desire to be close to El. For her part, El shows behavior that could only be considered clingy. It is she who initiates nearly all of their physical contact, and, at one point, she even literally clings to Mike as Dustin is showing off his gadgets. A close inspection shows that Mike is standing with his arms crossed during this, making no active attempt to return the physical contact. None of this physical intimacy is for his own benefit. While being with El means he doesn’t have to worry about his feelings for Will, it does not really allow him to express those feelings to his satisfaction. This may be why he goes on movie “double dates” with Will, Lucas, and Max in between spending time with El.

The occurrence we see at the movies is clearly not the first due to Steve’s frustrated reaction and their familiarity with his threat. They are late, so there are not enough seats, but there is no hesitation as Mike goes with Will to sit apart from Max and Lucas. Mike is so comfortable with reaching into Will’s bag for the snacks that it suggests it’s happened multiple times before. We also see that, despite his reclusive behavior with El, Mike still has Will on his mind when he asks if Will is ok. His tone again soft, head slightly dipped as he peers up through his lashes. He glances briefly down, possibly at Will’s lips, suggesting he needs to remind himself that it’s not El he’s with at this moment. He is otherwise very content to be “alone” with Will at the movie.

Mike ultimately needs the relationship with El to protect himself against his feelings for Will, and it all comes to a head when they fight after Will’s attempt at a campaign. Mike’s continuous theatrics lead to not only Hopper forcing him to spend less time with El, but to him getting busted as he allows Lucas to lead him through a plan to get El an apology gift. We later see that he has no difficulties apologizing when he feels he should, so his grand gesture is another sign that his relationship with El is more of a show. He puts up no fight when El dumps him, acting annoyed and accusing Max and El of conspiring against him. He’s hiding from his own complicity in order to avoid acknowledging that it doesn’t really bother him as much as it should. He wants El to come back to him to continue his show, but he can’t do anything about it without confronting his feelings. El leaving didn’t hurt him; it just made him angry. This complicates things for him. It was easier for him to shift his feelings to El when he didn’t actually need to do anything about it.

Will loses it at Mike’s disinterest in his campaign, particularly his attempt to abruptly end it. Mike seems to be trying to be just another too-cool ladies man, and he is disallowing himself to enjoy the game. Still, he can’t bare to have hurt Will, and he chases after him when Will tries to leave. Mike struggles to maintain the lie while trying to placate Will. When Will accuses him of ruining everything to make out with “a stupid girl,” we see Mike lash out, saying it’s not his fault Will doesn’t like girls. While this hurt Will, it was likely another case of projection. Mike hates himself for spending all of his time with El because he doesn’t actually like girls. He can’t even stay angry at Will when he sees how hurt Will was with what he said. He tries to explain that this is just how it needs to be, and he appears sad as Will leaves. Unlike with El, Mike is hurt when he loses Will, and he chased after him to apologize. We don’t actually get to see him apologize, however, as the threat-of-the-season kicks into gear, resulting in Mike needing to get El.

Mike thus is able to bounce his feelings back to El. He maintains a physical proximity to Will, but also tries to avoid interacting with him. The apology he never gets to make to Will ends up clumsily being offered to El. Mike’s vulnerable, genuine behavior is absent as he goofily attempts to make nice with his ex-girlfriend. He awkwardly attempts to invoke previous conversations with Will, suggesting an increasing desperation to re-establish El as the safe target for his affections. Cracks had already been forming in his carefully constructed subconscious defense mechanisms as a result of the contrast in how El and Will dumping him made him feel. Mike is starting to see the truth, and he needs to fix it.

Ultimately, the Byers decide to move away. A few months pass between the end of the season and the epilogue where they actually move. Mike seems to be on good terms with both El and Will, but we don’t really know what happened in the interim to get him there. Mike has conversations with both El and Will. His demeanor in each again demonstrate that, despite what he wants others to think, it’s Will who Mike can’t bear to part with. With Will, Mike again shows his vulnerability when Will goes to give away his D&D books. Mike is clearly afraid at the implications, that Will will move on from him, but Will is able to allay his fears, assuring him it’s “not possible” for him to find a new party, and that he expects to just use Mike’s set when he returns. Mike shows no vulnerability with El. In fact, he seems quite at ease as he explains how they’ll talk all the time, so everything will be ok. El suddenly attempts to bring up his previous attempts to talk about feelings, and he feigns ignorance, seeming uncomfortable. There’s a suggestion that they never re-established a romantic relationship. She says she loves him, and he seems perturbed. She kisses him, and he stands there, unresponsive. As she leaves, Mike stands confused and disturbed. He was not expecting that, nor did he enjoy it. Previously, after such a vulnerable moment with Will, Mike would have jumped at the opportunity to shift his feelings to El. Now it seems that he is finally accepting the truth. Defense mechanisms, being elaborate unintentional lies, only work when the individual remains unaware of them. Insight results in the truth being revealed.

As the Byers leave, Mike stares longingly at the cars. His friends all bike away, but he hangs back momentarily, looking back at Will’s house one last time with a pensive look on his face. All his walls have come crumbling down, and he can’t deny it anymore. He can’t pretend it’s El that he loves. He rides home, walking into his home in a daze. We last see him seeking comfort in his mother’s arms, seeking that unconditional love he craves so much. Mike is now confused, consciously aware that he loves Will, dealing with not only losing him, but also the acknowledgement that he’s likely gay. He’s no longer lying to himself, though it remains to be see how he reacts to the truth.

From here it’s all speculation, as we have little to no knowledge of Season 4. Based on the Cass model, Mike needs to explore his gay identity by meeting other gay people. He needs to see that not only is he not alone, but that being gay isn’t a bad thing. This process isn’t easy, and he will need to deal with the social implications of what it means. He may well choose to attempt to maintain a straight image. El being away means he can claim her as his girlfriend without them needing to be intimate. On the other hand, with support, he could work his way through the model and learn to love himself as he is.

Note: I tried hard to stick to a conceptualization of Mike, but this does not mean this is how the writers see him.

#stranger things #byler #mike wheeler #gay mike wheeler #byeler

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takirasu · 4 years

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Why I cannot understand how a huge majority of the Persona 5 fandom ships Akira/Protagonist with Akechi if you’ve played the game and what is possibly wrong about it

First and foremost: I do not mean to offend or hurt anyone personally with this. This is purely analytical from the viewpoint of someone who is interested in analysing characters and character dynamics. The group of people mentioned that I dislike regarding this ship is targeted to certain types of people in the fandom that will be explained at the end, meaning if you ship this No, I don’t automatically dislike you and even if I would, who cares? It’s just me. I don’t know you and it shouldn’t matter to you. I also want to mention that obviously Persona 5 will get spoiled in this analysis as well as slight mentions and spoilers of Royal, especially the third semester. Read at your own risk! Without further ado, let’s jump into a very interesting dynamic between two characters that had potential, but – in my opinion – leaves a bitter aftertaste in my mouth due to what fans did and do with it most of the time and how Atlus ends it in both Orginal and Royal. I will try to be about this as neutral as possible, since an analysis shouldn’t take a side and then put my opinion about it at the end, because the aspects and whys about this matter more than one person’s opinion alone. Also, the analysis will help form an opinion and back it up. There is nothing worse to me than giving an opinion, but not having anything to back it up with.

To analyse the relationship between the two I will be taking important parts of the story in this dynamic and analyse it as well as analyse the characters briefly according to the situation and towards each other. I will be taking the Anime and Manga into this for certain parts as well. I would like to do a whole character analysis one day if I find the time and fans are interested, but since the main focus of this is a ship and what is up with it I will only analyse the moments that they either have together or that further underlines the topic.

Starting with Akira, it is clear from the very first hour on that he has a strong want of helping other people – in need or not - and cannot stand injustice. To underline how important it is to him you have to understand that in Japan’s society it is considered incredibly rude to interfere between two adults in whatever situation given. It is not your business, like Sojiro Sakura – his guardian in Tokyo during his probation – explains to him and much more the player at the beginning of the game. In short, Akira knew what he might possibly get himself into. Even if Shido wouldn’t have tripped and hurt himself. Even if Shido wouldn’t have threatened the women to tell the upcoming police Akira apparently assaulted him. The only thing important to those who found out about the incident and know that he did not push him was still this: You do not interfere between two adults, keep your business. People who do that are considered delinquents and you really do not want this stamp on your forehead in Japan. Further, I assume Akira might be suffering from a Saviour complex. In all three media – game, manga and anime – he puts other people’s needs over himself and gets incredibly upset if he is not able to help someone or better, in Akechi’s case, save them. As helpful and kind a someone can be by nature, you have to understand that not everyone will either want your help or will be able to accept it. Not everyone can be saved and you do not have to save everyone. People who have trouble with accepting this suffer from a Saviour complex. A moment to justify both this and my first point is during the beginning of Madarame’s Palace, with one of my favourite quotes of Akira being,

“I want to help. I just want to be sure what we're doing is right. Trust me I'm not saying we should turn a blind eye and do nothing...”

After this event, Ann and Ryuji call him out for being both too timid and yet in haste at the same time. They’re barely out of the Metaverse and obviously have a private life that they need to care about when he already wants everyone to gather information on if Yusuke is really being abused and used by his teacher as fast as possible; on the same day. Again, he puts others over himself. While of course Ryuji and Ann aren’t any less concerned, to him someone might be getting hurt and there is no time to waste on matters like this. When they do find out through Nakanohara, a former student of Madarame, that he steals his pupil’s art, threatens everyone that leaves him and makes students even hurt themselves, Akira as the Phantom Thieves leader decide on saving Yusuke. Said complex also feeds his need of wanting to protect others, shown and explored more in two major scenes in the anime. When Phantom Thieves meet Akechi for their finale encounter they captured it very well. Akechi reveals he has the power of the Wild card, being able to handle more than one Persona, like Akira does. When the Thieves try to either talk to Akechi or attempt to walk up to him and handle it, Akira as Joker takes his role seriously. He tells the others, “He’s mine. Hold. Don’t worry, I’ve got this.” knowing full well that nobody else would be able to take him on other than another Wild card. Another scene is when he protects Sojiro from a few police men. He knows he shouldn’t step in between two adults and he is still on probation, but the want of protecting the person that offers him shelter and that warms up to him is stronger than his own desires. He stands in front of Sojiro and shields him.

Akechi on the other hand is one of the most interesting and misunderstood characters I have seen in a long time. While not outright admitting it himself, Akechi has this immense and unfulfilled need of being loved since his past was pretty much empty of it. His resentment towards Akira is fuelled by this since he sees how said one has a lot of supportive friends when he’s nothing special in particular. This possibly means that in Akechi’s eyes you have to have a certain standard to achieve to be special and lovable, which would explain the way he made himself for the public. He further insults Akira as a criminal who lives in an attic during their last meeting and asks himself what he has that Akechi lacks, not knowing that it is something he never grew up learning. He hates Akira, but deep down he does not. It pains him to see the exact opposite of himself and how out of place it is for him. Akira is nothing yet loved, while Akechi build up this perfect self that is special, but not actually loved. It messes with him whenever Akira is in front of him and does better than him. He is the reason he gets reminded of the things he hates the most about himself. Similar to Akira he is an outcast to society – just carefully sealed and hidden behind his Ace detective mask. Shido, who is actually his father and he only works with to get revenge on, did not care that he got someone pregnant and left, which lead to Akechi’s mother giving him away and committing suicide. In Japan these kind of families are frowned upon on, being the kid of a possible one-night stand gives no meaning to your life and only tarnishes the mother, which is most probably the reason why the women took her life. It wasn’t bearable for her in this society and she couldn’t life with Akechi’s existence. He was given from foster home to foster home, never had any parents that would give him love and that he could look up to as well as forming actual bonds with people. You see him both struggling to form an actual friendship with Sae, an adult, as well as adapt to people his age, for example the Phantom Thieves. He feels odd and has this unpleasant aura of superiority around him, since he has never learned anything regarding love and how to work and be with other people. So Akechi decides he needs to build his mask to be lovable to the public since his actual self, in his eyes, is not. He’s smart and basically reforms himself completely new for the public. His public self is near to perfect for the role of a student detective. Justice driven, charming, funny and smart. During the game while he is on stage it slips his thoughts during the moment everyone cheers for him and adores him, that none of these people know he’s an unwanted bastard child, which means that he does not think as highly of himself as the player tends to think at the beginning of the game. He is sure nobody would like him and he would never be able to become a detective if it was him as his true self that is worthy of nothing. These two things lead to him being able to be cold-blooded and cause the mental shutdowns, as well as try to kill Akira. First, he has never gotten love and affection. These things are needed for a child to grow and learn empathy, which Akechi lacks. It might almost sound mean, but from a neutral viewpoint this is why it was so easy for him. He does not feel for other people as openly as others do. Also, you have to keep in mind that every shutdown being demanded by Shido would eventually bring him closer to his goal. His father to acknowledged his existence in the perfect moment, the apex of his power, and to take revenge on him for the life he has to live and most possibly for his mother to be driven to suicide. Lastly important for this analysis, Akechi knew what he did when he decided to let himself get killed by his cognitive self, Shido’s so-called security system. First, it would have either been him and the Phantom Thieves who were the only ones able to use the Metaverse next to him and change Shido’s heart, or only him which means that there was a possibility to at least ruin his life and not make him the new Prime minister of Japan. He knows that they won’t kill Shido, but taking everything from him that is important to him, his only desire, and the reason Akechi had to live life like this to begin with seems enough in the moment he faces death. Second, he does not believe in second chances and he does not believe in forgiveness. Akechi’s believes that are present during the whole game aren’t just towards others, but also himself. He hates his true self the same way he dislikes Akira. Both his true self and Akira are nothing in society therefore neither worthy of love or forgiveness. To him, there is no other way to atone for his sins. When the Phantom Thieves defeat Akechi he states,

“You (Akira) are so lucky to be surrounded by teammates who acknowledge you. Once Shido confesses his crimes, you’ll all be heroes. As for me, people will find out my past deductions were just charade. My fame and trust will vanish. In the end, I couldn’t be special…”

The only place he could eventually feel loved was when he faked those crimes and fake investigated them, since they were his own the public didn’t know about. He could feel important and respected, have a place in Japan’s society while working on his goal of his father’s downfall. The moment the Phantom Thieves won over him, he knew this would be taken away from him since to him the only possible outcome of this is the Phantom Thieves winning over Shido and either turning Akechi in or Shido spilling during his change of heart. People relying on him and trusting him, people acknowledging him. That is what the trust and fame was about to him. The moment they meet in Shido’s palace and Akechi is defeated, it would all be taken away from him. Putting this together is the reason he decides to trap himself with the summoned shadows and his cognitive self. His father would lose everything that was important to him if he saves the Phantom Thieves and he has no reason to live in a world where he has no fame and trust from the public, since in his distorted mind he will not be worth of love and worth of existence. He wouldn’t be special. When the Phantom Thieves do reach out and tell him all the things they admire about him and give him a chance to join them against Shido, he laughs about them. His true self is out and to him, it is not lovable or special no matter what they say.

From the reasons shippers bring up for these two, Akira being devastated about Akechi’s death and wanting it revoked is a big one and the first one I want to analyse and explain. As analysed earlier, it is important to Akira to save others and help them, especially when they cannot help themselves. In certain parts, the two aren’t far from each other yet polar opposites. Akira knows that and despite everything feels empathy for Akechi after said ones tells the whole story. Witnessing someone’s death whether it is hearing or seeing it is traumatizing and it’s normal to think about it later back at home in the real world how Akira does, but taking his character analysis into consideration it probably messed with him more than it would with other people, like the other Phantom Thieves. In the anime, Akechi throws a chess piece with Akira catching it. Akira, who is not someone to have emotional outbursts, gets so worked up and angry that he hits the wall that came down in front of them with his fist before he quickly catches himself back in the role as the leader who always had and has to stay calm and collected. If you look at it, Akechi is the only one Akira couldn’t save when he knew he needed it and, to Akira, deserved it. Because throughout the whole game with so many different cases of people not being able to save themselves or being in unjust situations not once does he care about how the people are or if there is any certain character trait etc. to them in particular. Akira probably shares the same belief like his friends. Everyone is special in their own way and so was Akechi deserving of a better life like everyone else is. It messes with him so much, that in Persona 5: Royal, a game that came out 3 years after the original game and it is still tightly being fought about if it is canon or an alternative reality to which the developers have yet to make an official statement to, he tells Maruki, the school’s therapist who is interested in cognitive science, that if he could change reality, his wish wouldn’t be that all of this had never happened, but that Akechi would still be alive. While this is the number one situation people who ship the two use ever since Royal has come out, it just further underlines Akira’s character and my suggestion of him having a Saviour complex. He cannot live with the fact that he couldn’t save Akechi, when this is what the Phantom Thieves stood for. It pains him so much that his wish is actually beneficial to someone else. We know nothing about Akira’s past, but it is impossible that there isn’t something he wishes wouldn’t have happened that is outside of the game. Instead, he chose something that helps someone else and puts himself back to ease. He knows, this is what pains him the most and will for quite some time. Having Akechi back would ease his complex and give a person he thinks that deserve a second chance another tries. This is once more better shown in the anime during the last confrontation when Akira tries to talk to Akechi multiple times during Akechi’s small monologue, but eventually realizes it will be of no use. Akechi is too far gone and Akira tells the group to finish it.

Second are the moments we got early in the anime. While the game doesn’t allow this, the anime explores Akechi’s detective side a bit earlier and more for the viewer. In game, we only see Akechi working on the cases he created while he is actually really good at “real” cases as well and able to solve them. During Yusuke’s arc, Akira and Akechi work together on a few of those and Akechi teaches him how not to be fooled by rotten adults. This all goes quite wholesome, but at that point the interrogation nor the black mask reveal had happened yet. The story is early and fresh, not even having picked up the pace. It almost feels like Akechi either tried learning how Akira’s mind works, or honestly just wanted to spend time with someone he felt like was similar to him. All of this gets revoked though when he massively insults him at the end of the game, making it hard to put this in canon. It might be that Akechi was trying to give himself a chance, because Akira was probably the first person who could handle Akechi just like how he is and also accepted him just like that - since that is what Akira does with everyone throughout the game and also gets complimented and aknowleged for - but instead Akechi couldn’t stop himself and pulled through with the rest of his plans. Looking at it from another side, taking this from the anime into consideration makes the next thing and points even worse.

Last is the interrogation, probably one of the most well-known scenes in the whole game, that I want to analyse further. To begin with, Akira finds himself getting arrested due to Akechi’s betrayal. While it is not exactly explained how, it is obvious that Akechi lead the police in since only Metaverse app users can enter the Metaverse. If you have a non-user nearby, you can pull them into it. Akechi probably did this beforehand, told them to hide and gave them either a time limit or symbol. After the fight against Sae Futaba picks up enemy readings, so many that they’re being surrounded. Akira and the Phantom Thieves part ways and the leader makes all the attention go to himself so that the others can escape. In the end he gets ambushed, cuffed up and knocked out by drugs. What the player does not know is that the group had known about Akechi’s plan all along and they had to play along. All throughout Sae’s palace, Akira knew he would most probably be cuffed up by the end, but it was necessary to let it happen. Otherwise they would never be able to defeat Akechi. I would like to add that this in particular sounds pretty traumatizing and stressful as well. Moving forward and the Phantom Thieves’ plan succeeding, Akechi is unknowingly being dragged into the Metaverse. He outright plans to kill Akira, which reveals his true motive on why he worked with them on Sae’s palace in the first place. The Phantom Thieves are blocking his path of the mental shutdowns and destroying his father. It is so soon that he cannot lose due to them. He is smart about it and wants to kill their leader. Once again and as stated earlier, Akechi doesn’t feel empathy and he has killed before. He gets things done so that they are beneficial to what he needs to do further, just like how it was beneficial for him to work with the Thieves together for at least a while. Be that figuring out how they work, or just messing with them. What he doesn’t know is the person in the interrogation room is the cognitive version of Akira. He is only in there, because he just entered Sae’s palace and in her cognition Akira is in the interrogation room, which she does not have much control of. Therefore, it keeps being the interrogation room instead of anything Casino related. Akechi proceeds to shoot an innocent guard and then Akira. While doing so, he seems like on a high, fully enjoying it getting rid of him and it is almost uncomfortable to watch that is how good it is made. It is Akechi’s first time he kills someone in the real world, but it doesn’t seem to be much different for him. He shoots Akira right in the head when he has nowhere to go, tied up and completely drugged to a point that both in the game and anime he can’t talk properly and even passes out. The state Akira is in is portrayed very well and just underlines the atmosphere further. A murderer just aiming at their helpless victim. Akechi puts the gun in his hand to report it as a suicide and leaves. He never shows any remorse when they meet again, only throwing in that the two might possibly would have become friends if having met earlier. He does not mention the faked death, because there is nothing to say. It might be, because both know Akechi wanted to do it. It was necessary for his path and nobody, especially not someone like Akira, would be standing in his way. Shippers defend this situation, saying Akechi had to kill Akira. To some extent, I would analysis this as true and say that it was a possibly way of getting rid of the Phantom Thieves and continuing his plan, but is your first idea really murder to this? In such a special way? Concealing it as a suicide and not have any respect to the person you just killed? It is unlikely as smart as Akechi is that this was the only possible option he had regarding on how he would get rid of the Phantom Thieves or their leader. Killing the person is just probably the most convenient one to Akechi and again, he does not feel for others properly, since he has never learned how to. This is why he is able to plan this, kill someone he acted like a friend with, saw multiple times for weeks and just walk away. In conclusion that means it is not because he had to and also not because he wanted to in particular, but because Akechi did not care and therefore made it possible to just shot him and continue with his life. It is one of the most important scenes in the whole game and does a lot to the development for all three characters involved (Sae, Akechi and Akira) yet shippers throw it under a bus with the sole statement that he had to.

Putting everything above together, the major moments these two had, shipping Akira and Akechi is complicated and probably not the best.

To finally conclude my opinion to this. In another world, Akechi could learn a lot from Akira. He has a lot of empathy for others and wants to help, which Akechi lacks. It would have been good for him and the part where Akechi mentioned that they might have become friends if met earlier made me emotional as someone who does not support it in a romantic way. In this moment, I thought of them as friends. I thought myself thinking of what would have been if they had met one or two years earlier. Two people who get better through each other and learn from each other. As much as I love this character trait from Akira, I have had my personal fair shares that having this can be negative at times. It would be good for him to have someone that shows him the opposite or at least a middle path. Both characters go All-Out on this. It is either full on empathy or complete lack of empathy. Either you want to save everyone or you’re okay with killing whoever as long as you obtain your ultimate goals.

Many people have stated already that the ship is quite abusive. Anything that comes out of Akechi’s mouth towards Akira in both game and anime (I’m only referencing the anime since the last two times because the manga is barely at Futaba’s arc yet) after revealing his true motives, is negative. Either he insults him directly or the way he lives, just because he found someone that reminds him of himself deep inside if he wants to or not. That gives him no right to act like this, even when psychology is complex. And if you want to defend this, it gives him no right to shoot him and actually visibly enjoy it – which you cannot deny and a lot of people in the fandom stated as well. He didn’t have to, but he did. He wasn’t forced to, but he did it. I wonder if Akechi tells Akira he hates him for the fact that he did make him feel something. Not in a romantic way, again, but more in a way of empathy and this feeling of friendship and he knew he had to stop this.

There are a lot of good people in the fandom fan of his complex character. I don’t necessary like Akechi as a character, but I find him interesting and good to talk about. As for liking or hating him…the interrogation scene happened the way it happened let’s just leave it at that. Sadly, there are also a lot of people in the fandom who will shove this ship down your throat. Somehow, it is superior to them and it should be canon. I have seen so many tweets and Tumblr posts, especially with Royal and its’ third semester that genuinely leave me concerned. What started as 3AM ramble to my friend ended up being this 5000 words essay on why the situations and character traits stated above get taken out of context or misunderstood by shippers. It goes further when you find out that some people ship it because it is abusive to begin with. They acknowledge it and love it and while there are more important things in life than this, I just found it too concerning and also very annoying at one point, I had to make an analysis about it and clear some things up. I have blocked a lot of tags regarding this ship and I still see it every day in the fandom and get attacked if I say something against it, so I just made this post, knowing that people will eventually get mad at it. But, I honestly really enjoyed it. I really enjoyed writing about Akechi’s character. He is interesting, complex and there is so much to talk about him, but do I ship him with my favourite video game character? Hell nah.

If you want to add something to this, feel free to. I also enjoy respectful and normal discussion about this! I researched a lot for this, re-watched a few anime and game scenes and wrote for a total of 7 hours. If you enjoyed it or it made you think a little, it would be kind to let me know. I haven’t written anything in a while and my last character analysis was years ago, so this was quite a challenge, but knowing how popular this ship is and how much worse it got with Royal’s existence, I had to put this out. I’m going to be honest here. If they would’ve met a few years earlier, who knows if this wouldn’t have become one of my ships (I don’t interact in a lot of shipping to begin with so), because the basis of it is nice. But then the actual plot happens. All this stuff from the interrogation until the end happens and shippers just dismiss it or try to make it sound less bad. Like it’s the actual plot. It’s there. This is how P5 goes down. Akira’s one of the most traumatized characters I’ve come across in fiction and Akechi does a fair share to that. Don’t just dismiss that so your ship can be cute. It won’t, I’m sorry. And if you want to come at me for shipping in general, I as well ship something with complex and interesting dynamics within this game. It’s appealing, but not like this.

Thank you for reading this if you got through all of it! I seriously appreciate it and my non-existent sleep does to! - May

#persona 5 #p5 #persona #akira kurusu #ren amamiya #goro akechi #video game #analysis #persona 5 analysis

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sevensoulmates · 4 years

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If buddie did happen, how do you think bobby would react?(ie capatain bobby or more dad bobby.. dont hurt my son)

WHEW! Okay...so it’s pretty common knowledge that everyone has a “Bobby Knows” tag because he tends to always be the main character the camera either pans/cuts to to see his reaction to how Buck and Eddie interact. Do I actually believe that “Bobby knows” in the sense that he knows the two are into each other romantically? It’s debatable. I think that Bobby knows that there is SOMETHING there between the two. He’s seen something in the two of them since day 1. He knows that what they have goes beyond just work partners, and beyond being simple friends. He knows that what Eddie and Buck have is something incredibly unique to them. Does he know if it could be romantic? Unsure. He could suspect but might think that it’s unlikely given both boys stubborn and idiotic nature.

I think the strongest contender moment that Bobby might’ve been clued in on the true nature of Buck’s feelings for Eddie would’ve been in Eddie Begins. Not exactly the moment after when he, Chim and Hen are trying to convince Buck that they’re not going to give up and search for Eddie, but during the moment after Buck saves Bobby’s life and then has a full on break down in the mud and rain over Eddie being buried. I think the fact that Bobby had to physically pull Buck back, had to haul him down to the ground and comfort the man while he sobbed in his arms. I think there’s no way Bobby wasn’t reminded of himself in that moment. How he felt at the worst moments of his life when his family died. I think that was the moment it was solidified that Buck has stronger feelings for Eddie than Bobby may have realized.

Because of this, I think if Bobby were to find out that Buck and Eddie were a thing in the show, he would probably be surprised. He might’ve thought that neither of them would ever realize or admit. Or maybe even he thought the two of them would be so set in their heterosexual mindsets that they would never even consider the idea that they might be in love with each other. But I think internally he likely would’ve seen it coming. It’s impossible after that episode Buck pulled in Eddie Begins.

That’s my analysis on Bobby the adoptive father who loves those idiots like sons.

But Bobby the fire captain? Oh hO HO. I think it’s very telling the fact that Bobby DID NOT reprimand Buck for his actions when Eddie was buried. That was not only a blatant lack of professionalism on Buck’s part, but speaks to Buck’s larger issues of letting his emotions control him. It’s Buck’s huge professional “flaw”, and a lesson that Bobby and the show has been trying to teach him since day 1. Sure Buck’s actions didn’t endanger anyone, but it’s showing a lack of professionalism IN UNIFORM (which we know Bobby takes seriously) and it’s while they’re surrounded by reporters who could’ve taped everything. And it’s happening when every moment is essential to rescue Eddie and they shouldn’t be “wasting time” by Buck having an emotional breakdown and Bobby needing to comfort him. By all means, if Bobby was an objective fire captain, he could’ve gotten Buck seriously in trouble for this. Hell, he could’ve said “hey, the way you acted was extremely unprofessional out there and it makes me question your relationship with Firefighter Diaz. If whatever feelings you may harbor for Firefighter Diaz will continue to put you in an emotionally compromising position while on duty, we may have to look into switching your rotations and/or switching you to a different firehouse.”

After all, the reason Bobby didn’t recommend Buck come back to work after the pulmonary embolism is because “he’s responsible for nearly 30 other firefighters and we can’t risk their lives by having you be physically compromised on the field”. And yet, Bobby doesn’t reprimand him AT ALL for being emotionally compromised during Eddie Begins. And I think that is PURELY because he empathized with how Buck felt in that moment, and knows that when your person is on the verge of dying, you will do whatever you can to try and save them. And also because Bobby loves Buck like a son, and it probably broke his heart to see how broken Buck became at the thought of losing Eddie.

Bobby likes to play this game where he pretends he always puts his captain duties above his emotional connections to his firefighters and yet we spend the whole show showing how Bobby actually tends to let his love for his family influence decisions he makes as captain. Bobby can be extremely biased (he expects way more out of Buck and lets Buck get away with a lot less than everyone else because he loves Buck and wants him to be a better firefighter for his own sake). We already know that Bobby sees himself in Buck and that’s why he pushes him so hard to “grow out” of his reckless ways.

So how will he react to the news of Buck and Eddie being officially together? I think it would be an extreme internal battle for him. Because in one way, in his dad way, he’s happy that his sons are happy. But in another way, he has a duty as fire captain to ascertain whether them being together will pose a threat to the lives of the other firefighters he manages. Buck and Eddie who BOTH already have a reputation of easily putting themselves in dangerous situations to save people (most of the time people they don’t even know or have any personal connection with whatsoever). So imagine the lengths they would go to if something happened to one of them. Bobby has already seen how Buck reacted to possibly losing Eddie (BEFORE anything romantic developed). He knows that that feeling would only be intensified now that they’ve officially acknowledged that the love they have for each other is beyond that of friendship or work camaraderie. And they have a son between them as well which adds yet another layer of complications. Now Bobby has to make a decision, does he act like a captain and split them apart professionally (which we already know will cause a SHIT TON of conflict with Buck since he already fears losing his 118 family) or does he act like a father and place his personal trust in them over his duties as captain, and let them be together in the same shifts in the same fire house.

How will his choices effect the rest of his team, and effect his place as captain? Would allowing them to continue as they are actually put others in danger? How will Buck and Eddie learn to control their impulsive decisions on the clock? Will allowing them to remain together mean Bobby risks his own job for unprofessionalism? Or on the other hand, will splitting them up drive Buck further away from him? Will it make Buck resent Bobby even more for never having any trust in Buck? For always thinking Buck is a screw up who can’t make objective decisions? Will they risk fracturing their already fragile relationship even more after the lawsuit?

There are so many potential ramifications, and I think it would be an AMAZING plotline to explore on screen.

#buddie #bobby nash #911 fox #buck x eddie #i would like to see it #Anonymous

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vcg73 · 4 years

Text

FREE KURT: Mercedes Style

For the “Free Kurt” story collection organized by @elledelajoie Work also posted to AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25655086

She stood at the top of the ornate winding staircase at Dalton Academy, flanked by Rachel Berry and Santana Lopez, grinning like a little girl at a parade as she watched Kurt wind through the enormous crowd of friends that Blaine had gathered together to witness the culmination of their love story. A perfect circle moment back to the day they had first met on this very staircase.

Mercedes sighed wistfully. She couldn’t imagine Sam or Shane ever doing something this big and romantic to woo her. Kurt was so lucky.

Music swelled around them from the huge choir of voices filling the lobby. Students from McKinley, Dalton, Haverbrook, and even a few from Carmel, blending into a heavenly host of perfect harmony as they serenaded the happy couple. Dancing and smiling, many singers reaching out to touch Kurt in passing, as if the contact would confer a percentage of his good fortune on them.

As Kurt slowly climbed the steps, Blaine approached, unmissable by anyone in the eye-popping, bright yellow suit he had chosen. He was finishing the final verse of his chosen song as he opened a small box and held it out expectantly. Mercedes caught her breath as he began the proposal that he had prepared. Wouldn’t any girl, real or honorary, swoon at such a show, overcome by the opulence and romance of it all?

Moving to the landing where she could have a better view of her best friend’s face, Mercedes smile faltered. For Kurt did not exactly appear to be overwhelmed with joy. He seemed overwhelmed all right, but not in the good way. He looked like he had walked into a party, opened a door, and found himself trapped inside a horror movie. His face was frozen in a stiff lipped smile that looked more panicked than proud.

She watched his eyes quickly dart around the room, glancing from face to face as if searching for something, before settling back on Blaine. And now that she really looked at them both, didn’t Blaine’s smile seem a little too smug? As if he had no doubt at all that he had come up with something too impressive to turn down.

But Kurt didn’t look at all like she would have expected on such an occasion. He wasn’t clasping his hands and bouncing on his toes in a giddy display of excitement. His eyes were not squinching up in that cute crinkly way they did when he was delighted. He wasn’t tearing up with emotion the way he did at beautiful romantic scenes in movies. And he was not looking at Blaine the way one would expect a person to look at their Prince Charming when he popped the big question. As if no one in world existed except for the two of them, crowd be damned.

On the contrary. Mercedes had last seen this look on his face the night her brother - an aspiring gourmet - had proudly presented Kurt with a plate of creamed beef and Brussels sprouts seasoned with candied bacon. Like he was trying his best to look impressed and appreciative so as not to hurt the other person’s feelings, when actually he was trying not to vomit.

Glancing through the crowd, Mercedes looked for support. Did anyone else see what she was seeing?

Rachel was starry-eyed with delight, practically cooing at every word Blaine spoke. Santana was smiling almost proudly. Kurt’s dad was beaming happily enough. Carole and Finn were . . . strangely absent from the party. Kurt’s friends were . . . well, all of his closest friends were up here, out of his line of sight. Most of the rest seemed to be Blaine’s friends, or mutual friends from their shared high school life. The crowd below did not include a single friend from New York. Hadn’t Kurt said he’d joined a show choir out there? And what about that Vogue lady he was always gushing about? She had certainly sounded like the kind of person who would love to be part of an event like this. Surely if Blaine had invited everyone they knew in Ohio, he would have thought to ask people from Kurt’s new life too. He would want this to be special and memorable for both of them.

Wouldn’t he?

Mercedes frowned as she suddenly remembered the guy in New York. A new boyfriend that Kurt had posted about on his Facebook page. Someone he had seemed to be really into just a week or two ago, and who had evidently been just as much into him. Why did she not know when or how the two of them had broken up? Had Kurt been cheated on again, and come back to Blaine as a rebound? It would be like him not to advertise if that were the case. Especially with how few people had supported him the last time. When Blaine had cheated.

A cold feeling passed through Mercedes, dispelling the last of her previous romantic haze.

Had Kurt and his new beau simply drifted apart and Kurt had turned back to the familiarity of his old life, to someone familiar? Whatever the reason, it couldn’t have happened more than ten days ago.

Guilt suffused her as she realized that she had been paying so little attention to her supposed ‘best friend’ over the months since he had moved away that she wasn’t even sure of the NYADA guy’s name. Alex? Andrew? Definitely something with an ‘A’. Well, whatever his name was, wasn’t it a bit soon to be back with his ex after breaking up with the guy? Never mind getting engaged.

She looked at Rachel Berry again, recalling the disastrous near marriage of Rachel and Finn. Too much, too soon, too young, too impulsive. They had taken a few steps down the runway of life and fallen on their faces.

Was Kurt any more ready for such a big step? He was a lot more mature than Finn, sure - Where the hell was Finn? The boy should be here for his brother’s big day! - but he was still barely 19 years old, and still in his first year of college. And Blaine was younger even than that.

Kurt was the one who had always had glittering dreams of moving to the big city, going to college and earning a B.A. and possibly an eventual Master’s Degree in Performing Arts, followed by a brilliant career on stage and screen. He was the boy who had outlined his steps for achieving those dreams in painstaking (one might say obsessive) detail, using graphs, charts, white boards, sketches, spreadsheets, and anything else he could think of. She had always teased him about being as OCD as Miss Pillsbury, but secretly she had admired his drive and determination, his surety that he was good enough and worthy enough to one day achieve all of his dreams.

Somehow all of that had started to fade when he became Blaine’s boyfriend and Rachel’s bestie.

Mercedes had learned to like Rachel well enough over the years, but the girl did have a way of taking over other people’s plans and replacing them with her own, hammering away at them until they started to believe that they had wanted whatever she wanted all along. Had Kurt been so affected by living with Rachel that he had lost sight of his self esteem and personal plans for the future? Had Blaine only reinforced that? Sometimes those two were so much alike that Mercedes was tempted to sneak a DNA sample and find out if they were twins who had been separated at birth!

One of the things that had first drawn her to Kurt was his flat-out refusal to let the people who were out to push him down and squash his ambition win. His native courage and endless passion, daring to dream of a bright future no matter what anyone said, had lit a fire under her own. He had been there for her every time she needed a friend. And when he had mis-stepped or taken the wrong road in their journey together, he had always been quick to apologize and genuine in making amends for any hurt he had caused her.

And how had she repaid that giving spirit? By repeatedly trying to push him down the path that she wanted to follow, dismissing his own concerns as trivial because she knew what was best.

She had insisted that Kurt take his grieving heart to her church when his father was sick, that he follow her path to comfort, never once thinking that he might not be receiving any comfort himself. It was her own mother who, afterward, had pointed out that Kurt might have been too afraid of losing his best friend to say no. Mama had scolded her thoroughly for being so concerned with Kurt’s soul that she had never considered his mental and physical needs, never asked if Kurt wanted to stay over, or offered to have the Jones’s look after him while his only family was unavailable, or even just sat him down and let him talk, cry, or share the solace of an unbending embrace to keep him together when his world was falling apart.

Instead she had forced him to walk her path and then patted herself on the back for a job well done and walked away.

The following year, she had all but stopped talking to Kurt when he went away for those six months at Dalton. A coffee date or meal out with other friends once every couple of months did not begin to compare with their former joined-at-the-hip habits. She had actually resented him on some level for making his escape and leaving her behind. And it still made her burn with shame that she had never even noticed he was being bullied that badly in the first place.

When Kurt came back to McKinley, things had been good for a while. More like the old days. But she had not liked his new friendship with Rachel, or having his boyfriend around all the time once Blaine transferred, feeling as if she had been replaced. When she had decided to form the Trouble Tones, Kurt had not given her grief or displayed any resentment over not being invited to go with her. He was the only guy in New Directions to get even less solo attention than she did, but she had lumped him in with all the others and turned her back. Where had her best friend loyalty, honorary girl solidarity to Kurt been then?

All of these thoughts flashed through Mercedes’ brain while Blaine spoke the last few words of his proposal.

It hit her like lightning as Kurt drew in a deep breath to reply. Kurt had told her, Santana, and Rachel that he believed this moment was going to happen before he went home. Not ‘back to school’ or ‘back to New York’. Home. Ohio was not home to him any longer, and Blaine - the same Blaine who had wasted almost no time in casually cheating on Kurt once he left town and then somehow got the entire glee club to sympathize with him over doing so, blaming Kurt for his own betrayal - was trying to drag Kurt back into the past by disguising it as a bright and shiny future full of love and devotion. Blaine would not stand by his promises, he would not remain faithful and loving, he would never sacrifice anything he wanted, and he would never stop expecting to be taken care of by a partner as he had been by his parents.

Blaine, like Rachel, was an immature child who would always want and expect to get their own way. Mercedes liked the guy, he was very easy to get along with, but she knew in her heart that he could not be the mature, devoted, loving, and equal partner that Kurt deserved.

And deep down, Kurt knew it too.

That was why he looked so miserable. He did not want this. He had told them as much during their sleepover, but they had dismissed his concern as being dramatic. Kurt had been looking for a way out, for permission to do what his heart was telling him was right. He needed to be told that it was not an unforgivable sin to let people down for the sake his own happiness. He wanted to know it was okay to let his old relationship die and be buried in the past where it belonged.

That was Kurt’s greatest flaw, and Mercedes recognized it because she shared it. Kurt was instinctively afraid to offend, afraid that those he cared about would not support or stand with him if he bucked their expectations, and in spite of a brave face, not secure enough in his own self worth to risk driving away loved ones. He was afraid to say ‘No’.

And no one else had even noticed. God, maybe he was right to be afraid! Not being good enough was a fear that Mercedes had struggled with all her life, but unlike Kurt she had both of her parents, two siblings, and a lot of friends from different areas of life to fall back on when self doubt got the better of her. Who did Kurt have?

“You’ve got me, baby.”

She had not intended to speak the words, but they rang out loud and clear in the sudden silence between Blaine’s proposal and Kurt’s pending reply.

Everyone looked up at her, confused. Blaine was shocked and annoyed, probably justifiable given her interruption of his big moment. Kurt was startled but . . . hopeful.

It was the hope in those big baby blues that solidified Mercedes’ courage. Kurt Hummel was her best friend and it was time she showed him that she still had his back.

Walking down the steps, her heart pounded at the sheer audacity of what she was doing. “If this was a wedding, someone would be asking if there was any objection,” she said, smiling winsomely then dropping it when nobody else joined in the joke. Okay then. Serious it was. She took a deep breath. “Well, this isn’t a wedding, but I know that I’d be a terrible friend if I didn’t speak my mind and tell you, Kurt, that I hope you do the right thing and say no.”

Gasps of mingled horror and salacious interest came from all over the room.

“I should have said that when you asked me yesterday what I thought about your suspicion that Blaine intended to propose before you went back to New York. I let myself get caught up in the romance of it all, but that wasn’t right. Because this isn’t some fairy tale of soul-mates and happy-ever-after. This is your life and your happiness, and those things matter. You matter.”

Mercedes was not sure what she had said to cause such a reaction, but Kurt suddenly jerked like he’d just awakened from a dream. He looked down at his dad, who had taken a couple of steps forward. She had spoken quickly, afraid that she would be interrupted but now, instead of looking annoyed, Burt Hummel looked ashamed of himself. His round cheeks had flushed red and he was looking at his son with apologetic eyes.

Following up this curious advantage, Mercedes continued. “Back in high school, you two were everybody’s romantic dream. Getting with Blaine was kind of your big win after all the bad things you’d been through. I thought getting married to him would be a reward for holding out and staying strong, even after he broke your heart. But that’s really stupid.”

She held out her hand, smiling when Kurt accepted it without thought.

“This ain’t high school anymore. You’ve moved forward and started a new life with a great job, a lot of nice sounding friends, and living in the city of your dreams. You’re only on Book One, Appendix Seven of the ‘Hummel Guidebook to a Happy and Successful Life’ and I know how you feel about people who skip to the end before reading the whole thing.”

Everyone else looked even more baffled by the latter comment, but Kurt actually laughed, dashing away a sheen of tears that had sprung to his eyes with his free hand.

“You’re not even in your twenties yet, baby,” she said softly, pleading with her eyes for him to listen and understand. “This was your first relationship, and it hasn’t even been a very smooth one. Do you really want to marry someone you’ve barely even started dating again? When none of your old problems ever got worked out? How do you know he won’t lie to you again, or cheat on you again? Kurt, you deserve better than that. You once told me after a guy broke my heart that I had to be strong for myself, to respect and love myself enough to make the hard choices, because you wanted me to be happy.”

With an audible sniffle, Kurt dashed away more tears and nodded. “You deserve that.”

“And so do you. I want that for you. I want you to have a great life and get moving on the future of your dreams. I want you and I to meet up for tea and pastries in some fancy New York patisserie when we’re 80, to look back on our free and fabulous twenties, and laugh at what brave foolish kids we were. I want you to find a real, true, grown up kind of love when the time is right. Some great guy who will enjoy all the good times with you, but never let you down during the hard ones. Can you honestly say that you’re gonna find that with Blaine?”

At the sound of his name, Blaine seemed to snap out of the trance of shock he had fallen into and he moved up a step, turning his flushed face and angry eyes toward Kurt. “You aren’t going to listen to this, are you? This isn’t any of her business, and we ...”

“It is her business,” Kurt interrupted, shoulders straightening as his formerly wilted posture firmed. His voice sounded stronger and more certain than Mercedes had heard it in months. “Because she’s right. I jumped back into this relationship because I was afraid of not being good enough for anyone. Not worth taking a real chance on with somebody new. I’m sorry, Blaine, that my own issues caused me to lead you on and make you think I wanted this. I don’t. On the way over here my dad said I looked like I was going to my own funeral. That isn’t how anyone is supposed to feel when they know they have a proposal coming.”

He took the ring box from Blaine’s hand and snapped it shut, putting it back in his palm and pushing both away from him. He leaned down and hugged the flummoxed teenager with sincere warmth.

“Thank you for such a beautiful proposal, Blaine, but my answer is no. I won’t marry you. I hope we can go back to being friends one day, but I’ll understand if that’s not possible.”

Blaine was gaping like a landed fish, unable to argue with the unusual degree of certainty in Kurt’s eyes and voice. “You’re really dumping me?” he said in a small voice. “Right here in front of everyone?”

Seeing Kurt’s face flush, Mercedes cut in again. “It’s the risk you take when you invite everyone you know to see you propose.” Her eyes narrowed. “Everyone except most of your would-be groom’s family. Did you even ask Finn and his mom?”

That question sparked a reaction in Burt Hummel, who looked startled, as if he had not even realized until she asked the question that he was the only family member present. He looked at Kurt again, and this time he spoke up.

“She’s right, about everything she said. I feel like finding my favorite socket wrench and whacking myself upside the head to see if it’ll jump start my stupid brain. You asked me what I said when Blaine asked for my permission to do this and I refused to tell you. I shouldn’t have done that, Kurt, and I’m sorry. I said no. That I thought the two of you were too young and had too much ahead of you to make a life changing decision like that. I said that if you were really right for each other, then your relationship would only get stronger with time.” He glared at Blaine. “Though it sounds to me now like it was pretty much built on sand to begin with.”

Mercedes advanced on the startled Blaine. “And what about Kurt’s friends in New York? Did you try to contact any of them? Or did you only want people who would be on your side, to pressure him into saying yes?”

Poking a finger into the lapel of that garish mustard yellow suit she sailed on.

“You do that a lot from what I’ve heard. Go behind Kurt’s back to try and get other people to guilt him into doing whatever you want, without a thought as to whether or not it would hurt him. Well, honey, that ends right now. You got your answer, so now it’s time for you to move on. And you can just take me off your Facebook friends list when you leave here too. I’ve chosen my side.” Smiling at Kurt, she held out her elbow. “Come on, baby. Let me hop a ride out to the airport with you and your dad, and he can drop me off home on the way back. I didn’t bring my car.”

Looping his elbow through hers, Kurt held his head high as he was escorted down the wide staircase. He smiled and held out his free arm to his proudly watching father, who straightened his weather baseball cap and accepted the gesture.

“I feel like we oughtta be singing ‘We’re Off to See the Wizard,” Burt quipped as the three marched past the throng of shocked, and surprisingly admiring in many cases, guests and toward the huge double entry doors of Dalton Academy.

Kurt laughed a little, “I guess that makes me the Tin Man, because I’ve been afraid to trust my heart for a long time.”

"And I’m the Scarecrow,” Burt snorted. “Definitely no brains here.”

“Does that mean I’m Dorothy?” Mercedes asked, grinning at the light banter as they made it outside and over to Burt’s truck.

Kurt let go of their arms, then turned to give his friend a long heartfelt hug. “No,” he said, his voice husky with emotion. “You’re the Wizard. You showed me that I’ve had what I needed all along. Thank you, Mercedes. For keeping me from making the biggest mistake of my life.”

She hugged him back tightly. “I’m sorry I didn’t speak up sooner. You and I both have a problem with going along to get along and we really need to work on that. I’ve just been thinking that it’s time to let go of the past and fully embrace the unknown future, even when it’s a little scary.” She stepped out of the embrace but continued to hold his hand, squeezing it for emphasis as she added, “But at the same time, maybe we need to get back to the fierce divas we both were at 16. I liked those two, and I miss ‘em.”

He nodded. “Me too. That me never would have thought so little of himself that he’d almost agree to marry someone that didn’t respect him.”

“No,” she said, “And he would have flat-out died at the thought of spending his life with someone who dressed like a walking condiment bar.”

Finally, Kurt laughed outright and his father joined in, nodding ruefully.

“I love you, Mercedes.”

“I love you too, Kurt. Now, let’s get going and you can tell me what happened with that other guy you were so excited about. Aaron?”

“Adam,” he said. He looked rather guilty. “He said he didn’t want to be my rebound but that he wanted us to be a couple. I told him I needed more time before I started anything serious with a new guy. He said he understood. He backed off and I think I panicked. I thought that meant he was okay with cooling things off and maybe I didn’t really mean anything to him after all.”

At this admission, Burt groaned and dragged a hand over his face. “And that’s why you let your heart melt when Blaine came panting back up and started humping your leg.”

“Dad!”

Burt raised an eyebrow. “I call it like I see it, kid. And the last ten minutes have opened my eyes to a lot of things. Like, you’ve been put down and pushed out so many times that you don’t even know what a good relationship is supposed to look like anymore. When you get back to New York, I want you to go online and find a good therapist. A real one this time, not some hack school counselor who tries to push their own romantic failures off on you.”

“You know about that?”

“You told Finn. He’s got a big heart and a bigger mouth. And he doesn’t approve of the way Blaine treats you. That should have occurred to me when I didn’t see him in there. I’m real sorry for that, son. You weren’t the only person trying to recapture their past, it seems.” Burt sighed. “Anyway, about that therapist. Find someone you can be comfortable talking about all the crap you’ve been through and let them get your head on straight. I wouldn’t start dating anyone else seriously until you’ve had a few sessions of that. And don’t worry about the money. I put your mom’s life insurance payout in a Trust for you and it’ll mature when you hit your next birthday. I’ll pay for it until then. Just send me the details and I’ll set up a direct deposit for you.”

Kurt looked stunned. “Dad, that’s . . . are you sure?”

The fact that he did not argue that he didn’t need such a thing told his father all he needed to know. “I’m sure. Consider it my apology for being such a myopic ass these last couple of years.”

“You weren’t...”

“I was,” Burt said bluntly. “Take the offer.”

Mercedes gave her friend��s arm a squeeze. “It’s a good idea, but I also want you to know that you can talk to me anytime you want, about anything. This time I promise I’ll listen to what you have to say.”

“Ditto,” he replied, clearly a little overwhelmed by the sudden turnaround his life had just taken. Checking his watch, Kurt said, “We’d better get going. That detour took up most of my pre-flight check in time and I don’t want to miss the plane.”

Burt just nodded, pulling out his keys and heading for the driver’s seat. He had said what he needed to and looked a little relieved to get back to business.

Mercedes climbed into the back seat and was a little surprised, though pleased, when Kurt joined her instead of taking the seat next to his father. “We can catch up a little more,” he said, buckling himself in. “I want to hear more about what’s going on in Los Angeles.”

As she began filling the silence with a dramatic play by play of life as an aspiring recording artist, Mercedes could see the tension leeching out of Kurt. He looked relaxed for the first time since he’d come back to Ohio, his mind at ease, and she felt proud that she had been instrumental in bringing about that expression of peace. She hadn’t been a very good friend of late, but it filled her own heart with healing joy to know that it was not too late.

They were right where they needed to be.

THE END

#Free Kurt #Kurt and Mercedes #Not Blaine or Klaine Friendly #Proposal AU where Mercedes saves the day

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dragonofdarknesschaos · 4 years

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I've been thinking (because I'm quarantined and bored, sorry )..how it could be possible for Jack to form a good friendship? ...I mean even if a person shows affection, good intentions or a real interest on his stuff... the chance of Jack's betrayal is still there. I don't know I'm wondering ..if he can have a healthy friendship.

*cackles* Jack Spicer, as he is in XS, is not capable of forming a stable and healthy relationship, despite the fact that he desperately wants and needs one. And if that ain’t the tragedy of the whole series.

The Jack of Showdown

Just when Jack finally starts to actually warm up and be open and honest about his feelings with others, he either gets grossly mistreated (“The Deep Freeze,” “The Apprentice”) or is presented with the choice of being loved and accepted, despite who he is and what he’s done, or giving in to his baser instincts and double crossing his new would-be friends to get praised by someone who could not care less about him (“The Apprentice”). It’s difficult to tell if Jack feels he doesn’t deserve to be happy for some deep and personal reason, or if he’s so focused on being seen as EVIL™ and not good; that he believes he must take any and all opportunities to prove his evil worth. Whatever the reason, the Jack in XS would need someone that will stick by his side no matter what decisions he makes, or what actions he takes to push that person away. Someone who unconditionally supports him and wants to be by his side. The problem is, that’s more of a pet and has the potential to become quite toxic.

The Jack of Chronicles

As for the Jack of XC, he has some boundaries, and he’s not quite as ruthless. He knows he’s kind of a loser, but he still really wants a girlfriend to help boost his sense of masculine ego. But more importantly, he just wants a friend, to the point that he was willing to pay people to hang out with him (just like in XS “Something Jermaine,” “Judging Omi” and XC’s “Magic Stallion and the Wild Wild West,” “Buddy Blue Ray and the Golden Bunnies,” and “Heal Me”).

Jack enjoys Wuya’s company, but she gets frustrated with his lack of action in favor of building capital or just having fun (the Golden Toilet arc, “Super Cow Patty,” “Tokyo Madness,” and “Omi Saves the Holidays” among many others). Jack seems to have moved out of his parent’s basement, and is now in his own warehouse/factory, so he’s really trying to focus on starting up his Evil Business idea and often refers to himself as an “evil entrepreneur” throughout the series. While Wuya appreciates the “go get ‘em” spirit, she still feels that Jack isn’t doing enough to help her, which is the whole reason they teamed up in the first place. Because of her nagging attitude and matriarchal approach to the relationship, Jack often feels smothered and refuses to act. However, he still has boundaries and refuses to do certain things if they are not in his interests as well (“Back in the Flesh Again”).

Jack and Shadow

With Wuya as Jack’s pseudo-mother, he needs a datemate to call his own. Gone is his curiosity in Kimiko (though he does seem to think she’s still cool), but if it’s any other girl, he will do his best to impress her.

Case in point Willow--who he tried to ask on a date if he won the Showdown Trio in “The Fall of Xiaolin.” She strongly states that she isn’t interested in him in the least, and because the two never see each other again, I would assume Jack dropped the pursuit.

Shadow on the other hand, he likely sees a lot of himself in her. They’re both evil, admire Chase, they seem about the same age, and... that’s about where the similarities end. Shadow’s actions say that she is repulsed by Jack, but she never pushes him away, and even praises his “doo-hickies” (“The Laws of Nature,” “Rocco”). With the use of camera drones, Jack witnessed a lot of the private behavior and abuse between Chase and Shadow, and even some of the abuse in person ( “Tigress Woo,” “Rocco”). Even the cold open of “Who Shrunk Master Fung?” features Jack being very careful not to harm a strange bird, who is later revealed to be Shadow. Case in point, the Jack of XC has a streak of kindness in him, and it is unclear if Shadow sees that and resents Jack for having it, or if she admires that aspect of him. Regardless, after the events of “The Laws of Nature,” where Jack effectively double crosses Chase (and her by extension), Shadow likely made the choice to never trust Jack completely. She double crosses him at the end of their wonderful team up in “Back in the Flesh Again.” And Jack doesn’t even get upset or angry about the loss and betrayal. He’s even more smitten and tries to brag to Omi and Ping Pong before realizing they aren’t into it and flies off.

Overall Jack and Shadow have feasible grounds for a relationship--even a romantic one--if they could both create some honesty and trust between each other, but neither is willing to do that, despite Jack’s over sharing (literally every time he opens his mouth around Chase). For further reading on Jack’s relationship with Shadow and Chase, check out this post.

Jack doesn’t interact with Tigress, Kimiko’s older sister, much, but he does bother to keep tabs on her and warns Kimiko about her sister’s more nefarious activities (“Tigress Woo”). It’s unclear if he did this in an effort to get closer to the Monks as a friend, or if he was stalking Tigress because he was attracted to her. In either case, Tigress is never seen again or mentioned by Jack.

Jack’s Other Interests

There are a handful of episodes in XC that revolve around Jack seeing or meeting another evil-doer and fixating on them, often trying to model himself after them in some fashion. He does this with PandaBubba to a lesser extent in “Magic Stallion and the Wild Wild West,” then goes full blown fan for Super Cow Patty (in his self-titled episode) and later Le Mime in the same episode, making fan videos and full costumes with personas for both his fixations. In both instances with the truly evil characters (PB and Le Mime), Jack was looking for a sense of acceptance by an Evil Businessman and entrepreneurial peer, and a sense of belonging to a larger community with Le Mime and his henchmen. That desire for belonging to a larger community is reiterated earlier in the series with “Heal Me” and Reverse!Jack’s cult.

However, when presented with an actual fan of his, Tiny Sim, Jack is actually somewhat reluctant to have the fan tag along with him. And maybe that was for the best, as Jack soon discovers that the fan he inspired to become Evil is actually a lot better at it than he, himself, is (“Drawn to be Evil”). In retaliation, Jack confines the fan to being just a creative idea intern. Jack is essentially taking credit for all of Tiny Sim’s ideas, and not paying the kid a thing. Sim, either because he’s doing what his idol taught, or because he feels cheated, makes it a priority to take a Wu or two when he can out of Jack’s stash (“Mark of the Dragon Spirit”). Sadly, the series ended before the relationship between these two could be further developed. It wouldn’t have been healthy, but at least it would have been something.

Another important note, Jack does make the clear distinction in both series that the gallery of sellswords he pays to be around him are only in it as long as there’s money for them to be had. They are not his friends, they will never be his true friends, they’re just people he pays until the money runs out (“Something Jermaine,” “Judging Omi”). So Katnappe, Tubbimura, Cyclops (after their initial debut), and to a lesser extent Vlad will never truly be Jack’s friends. Vlad does make a return in XS’s “The Demon Seed” to try and cheer Jack up (not that he’s very good at it), but he doesn’t seem to want anything from Jack other than to do evil things and pal around. This is a bit of a departure from their first encounter where Jack was presumably paying Vlad to be his hired muscle and inside man (“The Deep Freeze”).

Jack’s Robots

Jack’s relationship with his various Jackbots and other robots is an interesting one. It’s possible that he created them out of a sick sense of wanting to have friends that he could control, but it comes back more to how the bots are presented in both series.

The Jackbots of XS seem to have a hive mind of sorts, as they will blindly (and sometimes literally) follow their master’s commands. Those that fall are replaced as if nothing happened to the fallen Jackbot; their numbers are legion. The bots are later programmed with emotions and feel sadness, but not fear. This is interesting, because Jack is shown having temper tantrums from time to time, but he doesn’t break things, only tosses them around (“The Journey of A Thousand Miles”).

Jack’s relationship with the more “custom” humanoid robots is split into a binary. On the one side are the bots that went rogue and have tried to annihilate him or simply want nothing to do with him: Chameleon Bot, Robo!Jack, and the patent-pending Shen Gong Wu Detect-o-bot. On the other side are the bots he grew very attached to: Yesbot, his Cheerbot squad, and the Shen Gong Wu Detect-o-bot before it went rogue. Both Yes~ and Detect-o~ allow Jack to be more of a child, as he is depicted being held like a scared child with both of them (if I remember correctly. “Oil in the Family,” “The Demon Seed”). He treats them like the parent he doesn’t have around. The Cheerbots are his hott Barbie dolls that he gets to dress up and maintain. He doesn’t go much farther than projecting personalities and life problems onto them. Eventually they are absorbed into the Jackbot hive.

Remember how Jackbots don’t show or know fear in XS? XC opens with Jack having a tantrum, and many of his various designs of bot run away from him. Jack is left cornering Chefbot, who has darts sticking out of his chef’s hat. Rather peculiar for robots to be afraid of their master, especially since they are meant to be hoards of drones. As Chefbot is developed as a character, Jack comes to respect his creation more, but Chefbot says he has no interest in hanging around someone like Jack; he wants to go places and be a real chef! He can’t do that if he’s making paltry snacks for Jack. Chefbot’s last appearance in the series is on a cooking show (either on TV or YouLook) making pizza, while Jack follows along from his RV. Jack seems quite relaxed and at ease, even using the Banyan Twister Shen Gong Wu to stretch his body and the pizza dough. It is never stated, but perhaps Jack is proud of his creation accomplishing it’s dream.

Thank You for Being a Friend

In conclusion, the Jack of XS is incapable of having a healthy friendship with anyone, either because he thinks he doesn’t deserve it or because he really is just a terrible person and pushes everyone away. He would need someone to stand by and support him no matter what he does and no matter how horribly he treats that person. Such a relationship has the potential to become toxic if boundaries are not set and if Jack doesn’t grow as a person.

The Jack of XC is desperate for a single friend, but 98% of the cast sees him as a pathetic loser, and not worth a second of their time. Those that do see value in Jack’s companionship have all been hurt by Jack’s betrayal and lack of trust, or have betrayed Jack, because they have no trust in him (often from a previous encounter). For this Jack to form a stable friendship, he needs someone who he can talk to honestly, openly, and not be judged for his feelings, and he seems to want someone who talks the same way to him. He’s ready for a relationship, he just doesn’t have the rapport or trust built up with anyone.

TL;DR

Jack lacks basic trust in all his relationships. He would need someone he can constantly count on, while also setting healthy and reasonable boundaries with that person. If honesty and trust--ABSOLUTE TRUST--is there, Jack can have a friend, maybe even something more.

#Chaos replies #anon #Jack Spicer #analysis #//the potential is there with Shadow and I strongly believe they were going to become an end game in XC #//but yeah he's burned so many bridges and there aren't even ropes left on some for him to climb on

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queenitn · 4 years

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So...I just found something that I'd written one night at like 4am a month into lockdown.

It's pretty much a very unnecessarily angry rant.

I can probably contradict half the stuff I say in it myself. It's just...kinda rude in places and when I'm thinking straight there's some parts I don't really agree with myself. It's not aimed at anybody and I'm definitely a hypocrite but I'm gonna post it anyways so go wild I guess.

So I recently took a stroll through Stucky fanfiction on ao3. For a while there I'd been avoiding it, and I'd nearly convinced myself that my mind was exaggerating the whole bottom!Bucky/top!Steve thing but yeah, I'm not.

Normally, I'd say who tops or bottoms doesn't matter. It's pretty irrelevant. But... since the majority of the fanfictions clearly prefer to write bottom!Bucky, obviously, there is some significance. Wouldn't the proportion be more equal if it truly was irrelevant?

Besides being annoying as fuck, it's also pretty interesting I guess. I have nothing else to do so I'm going to be ranting about a lot of stuff.

So, I mostly try to look for bottom!Steve, right? Because that's what I like. I read a bottom!Steve fic, then I say, "Hmm, this author seems to like bottom!Steve, maybe they've written more?" I go check, and I find...mostly bottom!Bucky, with maybe one or two more bottom!Steve.

It's fine the first few times, but after a while it's honestly weird. Clearly, a lot of very good authors have no problem writing bottom!Steve. They just happen to write more bottom!Bucky. As far as I can tell, that's pretty much the common trend. But why? What exactly does one think while starting a new fic, going all, "Hmm...I think...this time.... we're gonna have bottom!Bucky again." Again and again and again until it's most times.

Why is bottom!Steve so fetishized? I don't mean the fics that actually have a dom/sub element. I mean just pure bottom!Steve itself. Why does it have to be some sort of rarity?

As far as I know, there's...really nothing in canon indicating who would likely top or bottom. (I mean yeah, I do believe that canon Bucky is more likely to want to dom than canon Steve, but that's different.)

So, what is it?

Sure, Steve is taller, has a deeper voice, more muscle, a beard....but those are just physical things. They don't actually have anything to do with taking or giving.

Besides, he used to be small before. Is that what this is about? Previously tiny man likes to be in control? Likes to...what? Prove he's a manlier man? Bullshit. Besides the fact that it's bullshit, it also doesn't seem to fit with canon Steve.

The "Sometimes I think you like getting punched" and the "And you've got nothing to prove" make me think that his proving himself had less to do with showing his dominance and more to do with showing his endurance. I'd say bottoming is exactly what he'd want to do.

Besides, wasn't that exactly what made his relationship with Bucky special? The fact that he didn't have to "prove himself" in any way? Bucky already knew his worth.

Is it because Steve likes to give orders? Some sort of "Oh, this guy was always meant to be the leader"? Well, there's a huge difference between being a leader, giving orders in a battlefield...and giving orders in the bedroom. And I'm pretty sure top/bottom preferences would be completely unrelated to who's the boss at work.

But nevermind that, as far as I can tell, sure Steve gives orders, but he also looks to the people he trusts for guidance. The best example is Nat. The thing that makes their friendship so goddamm precious is partly in the way he always glances at her for confirmation before making a decision. Isn't Bucky sort of like an Ultimate Nat with sex benefits?

Nevermind that too. Steve bossing people around is great, but that's not the point, is it? The point is does he enjoy it? I think, the only movie where he did look like he relished his power was TFA. I'm pretty confident that's because of the novelty of his new strength partially, and partially also because of the rush caused by his back to back successes. Why? Because he never seems to take that kind of enjoyment again. As opposed to...maybe Sam? The guy who gets his literal wings back after (presumably) years and lets out a whoop after being chased by the missile thingies. Sam's joy doesn't wear off. Steve's does.

Is it just me, or has this skew towards bottom!Bucky actually increased over the years? Why? I can say a few things on this.

First, maybe people need to remember a bit more that Sebastian Stan is not Bucky Barnes. Chris Evans is not Steve Rogers. And Steve Rogers is not Captain America.

No matter what you think about the actors, the characters they play are separate. Please.

Second, there is a very interesting theory that exists which says that the reason why Bucky is so popular in the fandom is because his character arc is relatable to women and the queer community in the fact that it's about him regaining his stolen agency. Which is true.

Does this have anything to do with him bottoming though? I mean, I don't know. Fanfictions are important because they allow us to explore ourselves, whether it's our sexuality or our trauma that we're trying to figure out. In that way, it makes sense that maybe we will tend to write Bucky as a bottom more often. Except no.

Partly because, having had bad experiences at a young age myself, and being queer myself, I do not relate to Bucky. And hypothetically speaking, I would totally bottom for Peggy or Bucky, but I would rail the absolute shit out of Steve. I canNOT be the only one.

Partly also because yeah, a lot of fanfiction is projection, which is good for the soul, both yours and mine, but not to the point where we create a fanon version of the character completely different from the canon one. Yeah, you could say that canon doesn't really give us much of a character, but clearly they give us something and we have to build up on that right? It's true for both Bucky and Steve. Bucky barely has lines, but his actions speak enough. There's an absolutely breathtaking character waiting for you in canon if you really want to look. As for Steve, let me just say, sass and the tiniest little hints of PTSD do not make a whole character. Marvel fucked it up, but this goes for the fandom too (this is keeping in mind that Steve technically has three movies dedicated to him and Bucky doesn't)

Stop treating Steve like your personal punching bag, Stucky fandom.

It does happen, if we project our bad experiences on Bucky, Steve often naturally fills the role of the clueless/mildly asshole-ish love interest. Not too much of an asshole though, clearly you love him.

That's fine. Fanfiction is about self expression, but should we lose sight of the canon characters that we loved so much in the first place? And isn't fanfiction just as much about exploring those characters, as objectively as we possibly can?

Another thing related to that...why do we only have to identify with one character? I don't know how to put this, but there's a thing called halo effect and I think that's kind of what happens (I'm not a psychologist).

You see something in Bucky. And then you start to attribute more and more things to him that may or may not actually exist. Like yeah, he's fullfilling the traditional love interest role in Steve's movies, but that doesn't automatically mean he's a bottom. The two things are... actually entirely unrelated. They're only related in your mind. And similar to that, when we see one thing in a character that we identify with, we kind of want to see even more things in them we identify with, but it doesn't have to be like that. That's not how any person works, and it's not how any fully developed character works. You can relate to both the characters in different ways, no need to dump it all in one.

Ok, another thing, that I don't like to think about but it's occured to me and I don't like it. So, Steve is generally coded as a bisexual, right? And Bucky is coded as gay. Look yourself in the eye in the mirror and think about whether you're unconsciously assuming that the bi guy isn't going to want to bottom. I'm a bisexual woman, I will top Steve. I kind of resent this.

Going off on another tangent, I have also delved into Stony on my quest for bottom!Steve. Pretty sure there's even less of that there. Why??? That's crazy.

Normally, I'm pretty sure Tony would be coded as the top. He's much older, richer. He clearly has control issues. That's one of his defining features. Control. (I don't mean that in a bad way.) So....what exactly do Bucky and Tony have in common besides dark hair and short hight? The only thing I could come up with was thotiness. They're both shown as Thots. Is that it? The Thot Bottoms? Ok.

Is it the whole energy thing? "Bucky has bottom energy"? Does he? Can you argue with me if I say that TFA Steve has bratty bottom energy? That TFA Bucky goes from service top energy to mean top energy? Pretty sure that's subjective. But what exactly are we seeing differently here? I'm honestly asking.

Bucky's character is ridiculously strong, stronger than Steve in some ways (besides probably physically). Specifically, it's because of his ability to not only survive, but heal. Can we acknowledge how crazy that is? He's just fucking buying plums, but that's still more than we've ever seen Steve do. You can say his trauma is greater, but it looks like his coping ability is greater too. So is that what this is? Steve doesn't cope. Instead he focuses on external things like being Cap, Hydra, Bucky. I wouldn't call that a healthy way of living...but it's romantic, right? Neglecting to take care of yourself? No, actually avoiding taking care of yourself by focusing entirely on another person? Is that it? We're romanticizing unhealthy behaviour?

Is it because you feel more for Bucky, wearing his hurt on his sleave, versus Steve who wears it hidden under his skin?

Am I allowed to believe that Steve's ultimate shield isn't the vibranium one, but Captain America himself?

That's just me getting off track and mildly pissy but the point stands. We like seeing Steve in control. He wears it well. He's good at it. But that's just not that relevant. You don't just boss poeple around in the bedroom because you're good at it, you have to want it too. Would he want it? Is a commanding voice really an indicator of a person's desire to command? Can we really say because he's usually the one giving orders (because that's his actual job), that he likes it too? Does he look like he especially likes it? No.

I've been around fandoms long enough to know that all fandoms always have a preference regarding who ultimately tops or bottoms. This isn't the first time it's bugged me, but it feels more this time because I just don't see it. And it makes me angry because it contradicts what I feel, are the best parts of the characters. No, Bucky bottoming isn't the contradiction..but all this that I wrote, the connotations of this kind of coding, the underlying thoughts.... some of it is just not nice, but some of it opposes the little things that humanize these characters. It wouldn't matter, except that it wouldn't have happened at all if it didn't matter.

It's not just what happens to them in canon that matters so much. It's also what they choose to do for themselves when they have the chance. It feels like they made their choices and half the fandom ignored it. "Nah man, you'll look better at the bottom. Look at that hair."

Because ultimately, that's what it feels like to me. A mixture of not thinking too much about it (though I know this post probably counts as overthinking), some wierd internalised heteronormativity, and I don't know what just kind of fucks with all of us. All I know is that I hate it. I hate it.

It's not the bottom!Bucky I hate, it's the underlying, unthinking assumptions. The way it's a foregone conclusion. It's not. I really just want to be able to read the goddamn fanfictions again without wanting to tear my skin off.

( You can help by giving reccs)

#steve rogers #captain america #bucky barnes #stucky

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ante--meridiem · 5 years

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(You don't have to answer if this is too personal btw) It's just that I've known for about two years that I'm probably-mostly a lesbian, but I never had someone to talk to about it seriously. I'm almost 19 now and never really tried to get involved with someone romantically because I don't want to weird anyone out or make them uncomfortable. And I know that doing stuff at my own pace is totally cool but sometimes I worry that I'm late to the game or something :/ What were your experiences?

Hi anon :). Don’t worry, it’s not too personal. (I mean, my answer is quite personal, but what is tumblr for if not over sharing with strangers on the internet? :P) I hope my experiences can help you, though if you’re looking for dating advice the most I can say is “don’t do what I did”.

I can empathise with a lot in this ask. I realised that I was gay at about the same time as you, and it felt late to me as well - but going by what I've heard from other lesbians I've talked to, I think it's actually quite average. (I think the reason it feels late to us is because most "common knowledge" about LGBTQ stuff tends to focus on gay men, who just anecdotally seem to realise a lot earlier on average). I'm still not 100% confident in my sexuality - I settled on "lesbian" more by process of elimination than anything else. The only thing I'm mostly certain of is that I'm not straight - I could potentially be wrong about liking girls, or about not liking guys, but there is no way that I'm attracted to men more than to women.

Extensive discussion of my personal life below, feel free to read if you want to.

Getting to identify as a lesbian was a really long, confusing process for a few reasons. I'm the kind of person who tends to overintellectualise and overrationalise my feelings, so it was far too easy for me to convince myself that I felt the things I "should" feel. My immediate environment was never intensely homophobic (...extended family is a different matter, I'm still not out to them because I'm pretty sure my grandmother would react very badly based on arguments we've had about LGBTQ rights in the past), but the possibility of being anything other than straight just wasn't discussed, other than in a "that's weird and inappropriate for children" kind of way, so I ended up with the impression that being gay is such an unusual and distinct experience that it would be impossible not to know if you were.

In retrospect, there were a some feelings I had for girls when I was younger that would probably count as crushes/puppy love (I made a girl a Valentines Day card when I was 11, for God's sake, and in my naive obliviousness didn't think anything of it) but somehow I never connected that feeling of intense, nervous admiration to what a crush was supposed to feel like. I managed to think my way into believing I liked various boys and had a tendency to confuse mutual respect for romantic love. (Those "crushes" made me sure for a while that I couldn't be gay, because I liked boys, didn't I? It's honestly hard for me to pick out a detail that proves they were fake, even now, but the main thing that stands out is I preferred talking about how much I liked them over actually talking to them.) Later, I had a phase where I rationalised that romantic love was a lie and indistinguishable from platonic love, and I shouldn’t care so much about it - even though part of me very much cared.

I can pretty much split my realisation into two parts; realising I wasn't attracted to men and realising I was attracted to women. Both parts were difficult, but in their own way. The easiest one (or maybe I should say "simplest" one, since while it was fairly obvious it wasn't particularly easy emotionally - it made me feel even more weird and out of place, which I’d already felt for other reasons) was realising I wasn't sexually attracted to men - except that at the time, I just parsed it as not being interested in sex generally. Somehow the possibility of sex that didn't involve men at all wasn't something I was really aware of. My friends would talk about how attractive various men were, and I'd just feel extremely confused and like I was missing something. Being the pretentious person I was I rationalised it as "sex is meaningless anyway, all I really care about is love".

The other half was much more confusing, but happened in a pretty cliché way - I fell in love with a friend. I can't actually say how long it took me to realise that because I'd always seen her differently from my other friends, but I put it down to admiration, jealousy and wishing I could be her. I kind of assumed that she was just so special that everyone must feel that way around her. A moment that stands out is when she was telling me about various guys who'd asked her out, and I started feeling weirdly jealous about it but also found myself thinking well I can't blame them, if I were a guy I'd want to date her too. From there it took about a year to realise that the "if I were a guy" clause wasn't necessary. It felt completely different from my other “crushes” - she made me feel happy more than nervous, I wanted things to stay just between us instead of wanting to share them with everyone, she popped into my head unasked for instead of me making myself think about her. I was hyperaware of her presence and couldn’t stop thinking about how beautiful she was - which had never happened with a guy.

At that point I started calling myself biromantic asexual (terms I found on the internet and never actually used in real life - the most I told anyone was that I was bi, which it still took a long time to be willing to do - I think I was seventeen by the time I actually told anyone I might be bi), but I was still very uncertain of it. For a long time I told myself that I didn't really like girls, I just liked her. I was also completely in denial that my attraction had any physical component at all, because I felt like that would make it less "pure" and I was terrified of being creepy. I tried asking my parents for advice, but they insisted that admiring your friends a lot was normal and didn't mean anything, and I couldn't explain how I knew that this was different. (It didn't help that they believed the only difference between friendship and romance is physical attraction, and I couldn’t define any other difference even though I knew there was one). My mom was hesitant because it would be harder for me if I wasn’t straight, which... I know she meant well, but it came off like she thought I was choosing to overcomplicate my life, something I internalised and that made me second-guess things even more.

Even once I accepted that I was probably bi, a part of me felt certain I would end up with a man, but I wasn’t happy about it - every time I thought about it, I felt resentful. It was the kind of thing that felt like a bad kind of inevitability. I was also scared to tell the friend in question I liked her, because the pessimistic part of me felt certain she was straight even though she’d hinted otherwise. Eventually I did though, but only when she was about to move away to study in university, and because I was afraid of freaking her out I decided to phrase it in past tense and downplay it (”I used to kind of have a crush on you”). When she took it well, I gained the courage to say I still liked her, but had been afraid to say anything because I was afraid of how she’d react. She told me I should have told her sooner, that gender didn’t matter to her and I shouldn’t have assumed she’d reject me. We spent the next few months exchanging semi-flirtatious messages and she said she might consider dating me some day, which came to a head when I realised she didn’t really mean that. I asked her to just straight up reject me - which she did.

During all this time, I’d come to be very close friends with a guy. He understood me better than almost anyone except the friend I liked (or so I thought at the time) and I felt like I could tell him anything. He asked me out (knowing about the other friend who I was definitely not over) and I accepted, for all the wrong reasons - because it was flattering to be liked, because I was afraid no-one else would like me, because I was trying to get over her and didn’t want to be alone, and because I couldn’t find a reason not to. I told him I thought I might be asexual, but agreed to physical intimacy (not sex, mind you, just kissing and cuddling, but it was enough for me to feel between bored and uncomfortable) anyway, for a lot of the same wrong reasons.

The relationship wasn’t bad per se, at least at first, but it felt - empty. Like ticking off the boxes of what a healthy relationship should be. We had deep, intimate conversations but it never felt like enough. At first, I tried pushing him for more - more depth, more intensity - because I was annoyed with what felt like complacency from him. I couldn’t understand how he could be satisfied - even happy - with what we had. I felt like I was doing something wrong, like I didn’t know how to love right. The first time I tried to break up with him was after I’d introduced him to my former crush, and he noticed that as soon as she was around she had my full attention. I felt incredibly guilty, there was a lot of crying on both sides, but eventually we didn’t break up. The question came up again a few times - he tried to break up with me as well because he sensed I was being distant, and during this whole time, I started fantasising about being with various girls. This was when I started acknowledging that I might not be asexual after all.

In the end, I decided to call myself a lesbian because it was the hard boundary I needed to draw in order to break off the relationship, and kept the label because nothing else seemed a better fit, but part of me still felt like I was faking it. (I once made a friend laugh by saying I had imposter syndrome about my sexuality). I was out to a few people - my closer friends, my parents and my English teacher - but only started being fully open about it once I went to university. I got involved in various LGBTQ communities and while I never felt I fit in especially well with the other people there, it did make the label feel less alien, to the point where I was comfortable casually referring to myself as gay. I even went on a few dates with a girl, but I could feel myself trying to force feelings that weren’t there again. I’d latched on to my sexuality as an explanation for why my last relationship went wrong, and I think I wanted to prove to myself that I could feel the right things if I were with someone of the right gender.

After we decided we wouldn’t work out I decided to stop trying to force things. Right now, I’m very comfortable being single and think it’s best I stay that way until or unless I develop feelings for someone else naturally, though the thought of dating a girl someday makes me feel warm fluttery things in my stomach. (I do realise the chances I’ll just fall in love again without looking for it, and that she’ll be into girls and into me, are very small, but I don’t see a better option). I’m also out to most people who are a regular presence in my life, extended family aside, and the label has stopped feeling just “good enough” and started actually feeling right.

#lgbtq stuff #Ask #Anon #Personal #About me #I ramble #I overshare on the internet for fun and no profit

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dcanslist · 5 years

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Can you write something inspired by the 1975 song sex

lenadidn’t know what heartbreak was until she experienced one herself.

lenafirst met kara when they were barely teenagers. two adolescents who shared alove for science were bound to form a particular bond that no other peoplewithin their class were meant to have.

theydid everything together as soon as they realized that they shared more thanjust a fascination for chemicals and possible time travels. they shared theirfood, their answers in homework ( though it’s mostly to verify that they’recorrect, and they always were ), their happy times and sad times –

mostespecially, they shared each other’s first kiss.

it’snothing romantic.

forlena, it was just so she could get it over and done with. her classmates alwaysraved about first kisses and first dates and first… times, but she didn’t havetime for that. the only first she wanted was first place in the honor roll, and so, one night, she acquired the helpof her best friend to get rid of such unnecessary problem in her life.

“kissme,” she said one night, and very nearly took it back when kara began turninginto a human firetruck pretty quickly, a sharp contrast to her room’s idle,black and white theme.

“u-um,I don’t know-”

“don’tworry,” she said while adjusting on her bed, trying to be as reassuring as shecould possibly sound. “it’s not because I like you or anything. I just reallywant to get rid of my first kiss. I know you’re busy with school too, so let’sjust tick off our first kiss and focus on academics.”

anda part of her would always feel bad for taking away what could have possiblybeen a magical moment for kara. because kara was a romantic, and this she knewvery well. she was always the one who’d suggest watching Disney movies, oranything that had to do with happily ever after’s, while lena would suggestdocumentaries or horror movies. she would always wonder about butterflies instomachs and zero gravity when kissing someone she genuinely loved.

butlena took that away from her, and at such a young age, when she knew nothingbut straight A’s and honor rolls with her best friend by her side, she reallycouldn’t care any less.

karadidn’t seem to resent her for that, if their stronger friendship was anythingto go by.

seniorhigh school came around and they’re still best friends. lena was still the onewho had kara after school. they still shared food and answers and beautiful orupsetting moments – because that’s what best friends do.

untilone person came into the picture, and suddenly, those things weren’t what thispair of best friends did.

karamet mike at a school play. mike was one of those high school celebrities,famous for his acting and singing, and though lena loathed to admit it, he wasactually good at what he did.

so,it was no surprise when kara began falling for him and his floating notes.

itwas no surprise when kara began preferring his musical numbers over lena’s monotonousscientific methods and mathematical operations. it was no surprise when kara,at eighteen, somehow began dancing to songs as if she’d been born a dancer,even when she’s not. it was no surprise when lena found herself going homealone, because kara’s staying late in school to watch mike rehearse with hisfriends.

itwas no surprise when, one morning, kara skipped her way toward lena’s lockerand smothered her with her warmembrace while informing her that mike asked her to be her girlfriend yesterdayand she said yes.

karasaid yes, and she’s excited to tell her best friend about her first boyfriend,while her best friend thought she was going to throw up.

still,she was no one if not a luthor, so her lips parted to show her delighted grinand congratulated her best friend for achieving another milestone in life.

and after your firstboyfriend, you’re going to have your first date, your first touch, your firstembrace with your first boyfriend, your first sex—

lenadidn’t want to think about other first time’s.

sheonly cared about being first place in class.

so,they got over high school and somehow, they’re in college and they’re takingover their respective programs like storms.

lena,more than kara, because one night, during sophomore year, lena found out thatkara and mike broke up for some unknown reason.

well,considering the fact that mike was, as expected, ncu’s current best theaterstudent and kara was the engineering department’s darling genius, the entireuniversity knew why they broke up.

mikegot carried away during one of his scenes and kissed his leading lady a littletoo much. the theater geeks comforted kara and said it’s normal to get carriedaway, but it was a hard pill to swallow for kara, because she’d seen mike act before, and what she witnessed hadn’tbeen acting.

itwas so much more. it had been imra ardeen, and kara knew it’d been more thanjust acting.

butthis, lena didn’t know, because she didn’t care.

shejust cared about coming out as first in class.

it’sbeen two months since kara and mike broke up.

karaand lena were back to bonding as often as they did as teenagers, if not more.especially since lena somehow managed to get her hands on a 1962 Volkswagen kombiturned brand new by a friend, whose program involved cars and all that jazz. itdidn’t seem like the type of car she’d like to have, yes, she’d admit that, but…well, kara had her hippie flare every now and then, and experiencing a Kombiwas one of the things she wanted to do before dying.

andlena, well, she was kara’s best friend in the entire world. of course, she’dget her a goddamn kombi.

“thisis so cool,” kara said in awe (again) as she tucked herself under hercomforter, feet sticking out the minibus’ backdoor while staring up at thestarry sky. “I didn’t know this car was a convertible.”

no,it wasn’t. when lena bought it, it was a typical minibus, with boring seats anda boring, permanent roof, but asmentioned before, lena knew someone, and somehow the boring minibus turned intoa minihouse with a sliding roof.

“mhm,”lena hummed softly. “lucky buy. all i had to do was polish it, really.”

karalaughed softly, and lena wasn’t sure if it’s because she was thinking of howlucky she was to be in a Volkswagen kombi or if it’s because she didn’t believelena.

lenachose not to wonder too much.

itwas later at midnight when kara stirred and scooted closer to lena’s side ofthe car.

“lena,”kara called out softly, and lena responded with a soft, inquisitive hum.

“what?”

“doyou remember our first kiss?”

ofcourse, lena remembered her first kiss. it was dull, it was lips touching lips,it was kara frozen against her, it was her toes feeling… things, but it wasjust a kiss.

andit was her only kiss, so yeah, she remembered.

“why?”

abeat, and then, “I don’t remember it.”

oh.

ofcourse, kara wouldn’t remember her first kiss. it was dull, it was lipstouching lips, it was kara uncomfortable—

“I want to remember.”

what.

lenawas dumbfounded, and all she did was stare at kara as though she’d grown asecond head, but kara was nothing if not determined.

beforelena could bring up the only possible reason why kara would suddenly be bringing up their kiss, kara was already on her, her weight and warmth familiarand unfamiliar at the same time. and she’s looking down at lena as if she wasseeing her for the first time, eyes slowly lowering down to where lena’s lipswere parted because she couldn’t remember how to breathe normally through hernose.

“kara-”

“Iwant to remember, lena.”

andlena wanted to protest because it’s not right. it’s not healthy. kara wasobviously still recovering from her first heartbreak, but she was too late toremind the blonde about that because a pair of soft lips have claimed hers andher second kiss.

hereyes fluttered closed as her heart hammered against her chest. she didn’t knowwhat to do with her hands – does shereach out and cup kara’s cheeks? does she wrap her arms around her neck? – andshe didn’t know how to start responding to kara’s demanding kiss.

thiswas her second kiss, and she didn’t know what to do. thankfully, kara seemed tosense this, so she broke away from lena’s lips with a soft sound. her eyes thatheld the ocean were hidden behind her eyelids as she breathed heavily as iftrying to catch more air than she needed.

“kara…”lena whispered softly, her hands finally moving up to caress the blonde’s cheekgently. “what’s wrong?”

“Iwant to forget.”

andit was the most confusing answer lena had ever gotten in her life. because onemoment, kara wanted to remember, and now she wanted to forget.

“whatdo you mean, kara?” she sighed. “talk to me.”

“Iwant to forget the pain,” kara murmured, and then slowly, as she opened hereyes to meet lena’s, she continued, “but I want to remember how it feels liketo be okay.”

therewere so many things wrong with what kara wanted, lena knew this much, but kara’seyes were starting to pool with tears, her adorable nose was reddening, and…she was leaning down again to capture lena’s lips with hers, and lena decidedto ignore the protest in her lips.

thatnight started many firsts’ in lena’slife.

afterrelenting to kara’s kisses, lena experienced her first make out.

and her first (of the many) orgasm.

when lena’s arms nervouslysnaked around kara’s neck in the midst of their kiss, she suddenly foundherself being flipped over. breaking away from the kiss with a gasp, sherealized she was on top of her best friend, who seemed very far from botheredby her weight.

“kara, I could be squishingyou-” she said as lifted herself off of kara, but the blonde held onto her armsand sat up.

“no,” kara shook her head,moving her hands down to lena’s waist. “I like it. I like feeling you on top ofme.”

and lena should be askingwhere all of these were coming from – why kara seemed so eager to have lena,when only two days ago, lena was comforting kara from yet another tissue-wastingmarathon.

but she was deprived ofcoherent thoughts when she felt kara’s hand on the back of her head, fingersthreading through thick, silky hair. her eyes were earnest, locking on lena’seven as she pressed her forehead against the brunette.

“can I kiss you again?”

and despite all lingeringprotests in her mind, lena felt herself nodding, and it was all the permissionkara needed to claim her lips once more.

it started slowly, as ifkara was scared of making lena pull away again by being too eager, but when lenashowed no signs of doing so, kara began kissing her with more urgency. herfingers, which were still buried in lena’s hair, curled into a fist and lenaresponded with a soft gasp, making her lips part, and kara took thatopportunity to introduce her tongue with a soft flick of it against lena’slower lip.

it was then that lena felt that feeling again in her toes,spreading all her over feet that made them curl, and then up her legs andthighs and —curiously – stopping between her legs.

it was a feeling bothwelcomed, and not.

it was a feeling that lenafound herself chasing after by initiating the kiss for the first time,effectively taking kara’s breath away, and lena felt her lips curl into a smugsmirk because – she did that.

she made kara’s breathhitch. even as she cluelessly kissed and licked and nipped on kara’s lips, shecould feel kara’s eager response in the way her hands found her hips again andsqueezed, sending yet another delicious pressure between her thighs. she triedsqueezing her thighs together, unsure whether it would give her relief yetsomehow knowing that it would, butkara gave her hips another squeeze and urged her to relax.

“move your body against me,”she whispered, lips brushing against lena’s as she began guiding lena’s body. “itwill help.”

and lena was stiff. she didn’texactly know how to move againstsomeone’s body, but kara was patient and willing to teach.

soon enough, lena was pressingdown hard against kara’s stomach with every roll of her hips, gasping softlyevery time she’d pass over the buckle of kara’s belt.

and then, she was soaringand falling at the same time, as kara swallowed her moans in their kiss.

karaand lena made out at the back of lena’s minibus for a grand total of fivetimes, on different days, before lena heard the news that kara and mike wereback together.

of course, what lena felt was more ofcuriosity and disbelief than… anything else.

so, she dragged kara into the women’sbathroom one day and confronted her about it.

“you’re back with mike?”

kara had the grace to look ashamed. “yes-”

“when?” lena demanded.

“… yesterday.”

“and I’m only hearing about this today,why?” lena huffed, her anger already flaring inside her chest. “you were licking my neck yesterday night, kara.you are many things, but you are nota cheater.”

kara flinched at the word, and all lenawanted to do was pull her in her arms and hug her and squeeze her pain away,but it was so fucked up of kara to make her the other woman, even when she wasn’t kara’s woman in the first place.

“I know…” kara shook her head, tongueswiping across drying lips. “I’m sorry. I just…” she glanced up at lena,looking so helpless while pressed up against one corner, appearing so smallcompared to the shorter woman for the first time.

“you just what, kara?” lena asked,frustrated.

“I just can’t stop, okay?” kara reached upand raked her fingers through her hair, ruining her perfect ponytail. “I just…can’t. I— he reached out to me and apologized and… he said he’s not going to doit again, and I’m happy, you know? I’m happy that he’s eager for a secondchance and… and it’s all I’ve been hoping for since we broke up…”

“then, you shouldn’t have kissed me lastnight. kara, you do realize that what you did was no different to what mike didyou to you?” lena huffed, placing her hands on her hips as she paced back andforth inside the bathroom. and then, as if realizing something, she stopped andturned to kara with a frown, “you’re not… using me as revenge, are you? becausethat is so fucked up, kara-”

“lena, no!” as if finally finding herstrength, kara pushed away from the wall and stalked towards lena, making thelatter walk backwards until she’s the one who’s pressed up against the sink,barely stifling a gasp at the slight zip of pain on the small of her backbecause of the impact. kara’s hands slammed on the granite counter, trappinglena between them. “I would never do that to you, do you understand? i- i admitthat what I did was wrong but…” she trailed off, jaws clenching and thenrelaxing as her gaze found lena’s lips. “i… I couldn’t… I don’t want to stopkissing you…”

“kara…”

“I don’t want to stop kissing you. it’sthe only time I feel like I’m trulyhappy.”

and god, lena knew it was wrong and it didn’t make sense that kara was happy to have mike back, yet felt genuine happiness when kissing her best friend, but shewas helpless when kara nudged her knees apart with her knees and wedged herselfbetween lena’s thighs.

she was helpless when kara claimed herlips in a searing kiss, when nimble fingers undid the button and fly of herpants and slid into the tight confines of her underwear.

when she felt warm fingers against sleekheat, she whimpered softly and arched her back, momentarily trapping kara’sfingers between herself and the sink.

“k-kara…”

kara hushed her as she pulled her fingersfrom where they’re kept from moving, only to slide them over lena’s clit againwhen the latter moved just enough to give her space.

“I’ll take care of you,” kara cooed as shepressed gently against lena, biting her lip at the abundant wetness rapidlycoating her fingers, and still couldn’t believe that she was the one makinglena feel such exquisite sensation, the one who’s causing that look on lena’s face – parted lips, head thrown back, and eyestightly shut – and the sounds. thesounds lena was making, breathy moans and little whimpers and soft gasps forevery time she’d give just enough pressure, for every time she’d speed up, asif finally letting lena reach thathigh, only to slow down again so she could hear that familiar whine spillingfrom lena’s lips, her soft, little pleas for release.

kara didn’t know if she could ever letthis go.

and so their clandestine arrangementcontinued over the years.

just as kara and mike’s relationship prospered over the years.

“fuck!”

lena pantedbreathlessly into the bed, her fingers clutching tightly onto the comforter asher body was wracked by overwhelming bliss.

over theyears, kara had developed more than just her intellectual strength. she found alove for physical activities – rock climbing, cycling, swimming, or justworking out at the gym – and showed great growth in physical strength andstamina, and it manifested in her relentless thrusts behind lena, how her hipstirelessly fucked lena into the mattress.

and god, itwas all that she hoped for when she found itonline and imagined how kara would look like wearing it.

how kara would feel like inside her, urgentlydriving into her as she buried her face into the crook of lena’s neck andbreathed roughly into her sensitive skin.

and now,kara’s weight was deliciously pressing her down onto her bed as her hipsslammed against her ass, moving in deliberate circles, which caused the toyinside her to shift and rub against places only kara knew how to reach and feelwithout actually being there.

she sobbedher pleasure into the palm of her hand as she felt the beginnings of herpending orgasm, her walls clenching around the shaft as she tried to moveagainst kara as much as she could, but she was pinned down by the blonde andmade to keep still with another deep, long thrust, effectively taking herbreath away as kara’s fingers found her aching clit in the midst of hergrinding.

it was allit took for lena to beg for kara to make her come, and it was all it took forkara to oblige.

they’re five years into their thirtiethyear of living when they last talked about how wrong it was to keep on doing what they were doingbehind mike’s back.

it was the same night when mike invitedthem all to a newly opened jazz bar in new york to celebrate his birthday andthe opening night of his new broadway show. lena had full the mind of not showing up, but kara had begged (and let hertie her up and fuck her this time around), so naturally, lena went and decidedto tolerate mike and the nagging voice at the back of her head, saying that shewas a good for nothing bitch who couldn’t say no to her best friend.

she was nursing her fifth glass of scotch(she wasn’t sure how she’s still sitting up straight) when she heard the commotionbehind her back, and for everything she did wrong since that night she firstallowed kara to kiss her in that old minibus, turning around would be hergreatest regret that night would beher greatest regret.

mike was on one knee, holding a small boxcontaining what was obviously an expensive ring, and kara…

kara looked like he was offering her theworld. there was a twinkle in her eyes that had never been directed to lena.there was a delight in her smile and laughter when she screamed yes and pulledmike up to kiss him in front of everyone in the bar.

lena fleetingly registered someone leavingher side – one of kara’s friends; sam, was it? – but she could never be sure,for all she felt was the tightening of her chest and the overwhelming need to find a place where she couldcurl up and cry for hours on ends.

because kara was going to get married tomike, and there was no way she’d let kara continue what they were doing because…she wasn’t a homewrecker.

no, no, she wasn’t.

“hey,” a voice interrupted her thoughts,and she was internally grateful because it stalled the tears from dropping fromher eyes. “seems like your friend left you behind.”

it was the bartender, and she’s wearing anopen smile. she’s probably referring to sam, the brunette – a friend of kara –but lena couldn’t help but shake her head bitterly and down her scotch in onego.

“she’s got a boyfriend, anyway.”

#supercorp #hOLY CRAP THIS WAS LONG OVERDUE #but yAY IT'S HERE!#i hope you enjoy it #'read more' bc... uh ns**fw-ish #Anonymous #might post this on ao3 too but i have to think of a title first kamdasd

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rankakiu · 5 years

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Thoughts of the Droid: How To Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World (2019)

Hello, people of Tumblr! How has life treated you? As always, I hope very well. On this occasion, I share with all of you my impressions and opinions of the movie "How To Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World".

Being honest with you, this movie was not on my list of the most anticipated of this year. However, I went to see the movie, together with a family member who wanted to see it. I'm certainly glad I gave it a try since the movie was a rewarding experience.

WARNING: NOT SPOILER-FREE. Read at you own risk

And it is not for less since the franchise of "How To Train Your Dragon" has been one of the most solid proposals, not only of the animation company DreamWorks but also within the art of cinematographic animation. It has managed to maintain its standard of quality in high, in addition to extracting juice to the franchise without over-exploiting it.

Entering already full to the review, what did I think the movie? Short answer: simply great. Now let's go into detail to analyze the movie properly.

Characters: Without a doubt, the strongest aspect of this film (and the franchise in general). Hiccup and his friends Astrid, Snotloud, Fishlegs, Ruffnut, and Tuffnut, are still those very endearing characters that we met in the first film of the franchise. And although they are now young adults, their designs are still very identifiable. In addition, the chemistry that all the characters have is wonderful, being a relationship that goes beyond friendship, is a relationship in which everyone is part of a large family, which despite their personalities and attitudes so disparate, they can trust each other, work shoulder to shoulder and cover each other's backs, something often seen, but very rarely carried effectively as only this film knows how to do.

I especially emphasize the character of Hiccup, since he has matured to become a great leader for his village. He still has his characteristic awkwardness and innocence, but he has proved to be a man with all his letters. Without a doubt, I was fascinated by the balance that was given to the character, between being a great leader, but at the same time still young and therefore a bit inexperienced in such a huge responsibility. Fortunately for him, he will always have his great friends and his mother to encourage him to keep going. I also liked the message they give with Hiccup: He is a great leader, but even great leaders need support from their friends to face fate. That is to say, that not everything has to be solved alone. It is always good to listen to the opinions of those you direct in order to arrive at a satisfactory solution.

Something that I loved about this movie was the relationship of Hiccup with Astrid, Hiccup with his mother, Valka, and of course, Hiccup's relationship with his faithful dragon companion, Toothless. In the first relationship, you really feel romantic chemistry between the two, plus it has the plus that said romance does not feel cheesy or too pink. The two love each other and practically both of them play their part so that this relationship continues to work. And despite the fact that several times they can not agree with the other's decisions, they are there to support each other. Practically Astrid not only fulfills its romantic role, but it is also the right arm of Hiccup to help him rule as a true leader. Without a doubt, Astrid's brazenness is quite fun to watch, serving not only as comic relief (that effectively works) but also as a way to help Hiccup, in her very particular way.

For its part, the relationship of Hiccup with Valka feels like an authentic relationship of Mother - son. Valka is there for her son, to help him and advise him in his new role as village leader. However, Valka also understands that her son is now an adult, a man already trained and mature, which gives him his space and independence. You could say that Valka lets Hiccup open its wings and it flies away from its nest to find its own way in life. Here I will use to emphasize the flashbacks of Hiccup with his father Stoic the Great. These flashbacks are full of tenderness and emotion, showing a great and beautiful relationship between father and son. Stoic, being a warrior, he also had his sensitive side and never feared to show his love for his son in that open way. Of course, I could not leave out the friendship relationship between Hiccup and his dragon Toothless.

This relationship goes beyond an owner with his pet. It is a relationship of true friends, where despite being of such different species, both were treated as equals and had immense affection for each other. Despite being of such different species, having different customs, different needs and even coming from different worlds, even with all that, they were the best friends. Something to highlight, was the inclusion of the Light Fury, is a perfect complement to Toothless. The scenes of these two dragons are quite fun to watch, especially the courtship dance, whose comedy is pure gold.

To finish this point, I can not stop mentioning the villain of this installment: Grimmel. In truth, he is a very good villain. Maybe it is not at the level of other exceptional villains (such as Frollo from "The Hunchback of Notre Dame"), but it is a pretty successful villain for this third installment. Cold, calculating, ruthless and above all, charismatic. A villain who from the beginning is presented as the bad guy, without having to resort to a twist of unnecessary plot and nothing surprising, as Disney has done in recent years. Here I would like to highlight something that I found interesting: Grimmel tells you a part of his past, where he claims to have captured and killed a Night Fury. It is here where a conflict of very interesting ideas is created. Grimmel, killing a dragon and receiving the praises of his people, decides to dedicate his life to exterminate the dragons; while Hiccup, forgiving the life of his dragon Toothless, shows that the coexistence of these two species is possible, also forming an unbreakable bond of friendship. This is where a conflict of opposing ideas arises, being an intense and well-considered conflict. Undoubtedly an archetype of a cool villain and who was surprised to see on screen.

History: Well done and well structured. A solid and entertaining story that keeps you wanting to know what will happen and how the events of the event will unfold. We have a Hiccup more determined than ever to create a utopia where dragons and humans can coexist peacefully. However, although his intentions are praiseworthy, he did not contemplate the possibility of overcrowding of Berk. With these scenes, we are given a clear message that it is okay to have good intentions, but they must also respond to solve problems and not create them.

Another aspect of the story that caught my attention was the conflict of Hiccup’s intellects against Grimmel, where each one used his talents, wit, and intelligence to keep the victory. In truth, one as a spectator feels that Hiccup is facing a great challenge, an opposing force that will not stop until achieving its objectives. This confrontation reaches its peak in the final duel when both fall into the sea, where you can see a deranged Grimmel and willing to die if that also means the death of his enemy. A scene truly worthy of admiration, since it feels the tension and the struggle of good against evil.

On the other hand, the action does not disappoint, although it is not at all violent (is a film for children XD). That is to say, you can clearly see how the characters fight with each other with weapons, they strike blows and even walk of arsonists setting fire to the boats and houses (XD) and all without spilling a single drop of blood. In general, it is very fluid and fast and the combats feel with a genuine weight that gives more drama to the story, with its touches of comedy that takes a smile from the viewer.

But without a doubt, the most important detail of the story is to see the personal conflict that our protagonist has, who is debating if he should follow his dream of building a utopia of dragons and humans or if he should finally leave them free in the Hidden World. But the conflict is not only limited to Hiccup but can also be witnessed in the dragon Toothless. Particularly, in the scene where he saves Hiccup and returns with him to the new island of Berk, one can feel like the black dragon is sad and in a way, resentful of renouncing the new change he achieved.

In the end, Hiccup reaches the devastating conclusion that this utopia will not be possible, at least for the moment. Dragons face constant dangers because of greedy and destructive humans. So, in a sad farewell, Hiccup, supported by his people, decides that the best thing is for the dragons to go to their sacred sanctuary. The farewell scene is really very emotional, perhaps comparable when a father sees his son mature and walk his own way in life. The film could not close more effectively, leaving a glimmer of hope, which is a melancholy ending, but not tragic. A final where you still dream of reaching an ideal that, in fact, is possible. Not today, not tomorrow. But one day it will come true.

Animation: Simply beautiful. I highlight in particular the natural environments that have chosen of extreme beauty and exquisiteness. Set primarily in the nature of Europe, where you see forests, snow, seas with fog, inhospitable land, and even magnificent northern lights. Sure, who gets the prize is the Hidden World, where everything is sublime, a world full of minerals, water, and lighting that is very nice and warm to look at. On the other hand, the architecture of the places feels alive and unified by the Viking culture on which it is based. No doubt a remarkable aspect and a work neatly done by DreamWorks.

In conclusion, "How to train your Dragon: The Hidden World" is a magnificent and very well made film, which closes the franchise with a flourish. If you are a fan of this franchise you will not be disappointed. Practically a must-have movie. I give this movie 4 out of 5 Light Furies. A beautiful closing to the trilogy that made us believe that the friendship between dragons and humans is not only possible but also forms an unforgettable duo.

Greetings

Rankakiu

#how to train your dragon #how to train your dragon 3 #the hidden world #dreamworks #hiccup #toothless #astrid httyd #httyd #valka haddock #hiccup haddock #astrid hofferson #light fury #review #opinion #thoughts #thoughts of the droid #rankakiu

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liltcm · 5 years

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hylandtask001

lillian christine thomas: sept. 5th, 2019

“Hello, Ms LILLIAN THOMAS. My name is Detective Booth and I’m handling this case. I don’t need to go into details; you know why you’re here, and we already have you down as a suspect in her death. We’ve got witnesses to corroborate and a budding timeline, but we need more information from you directly. Make my day easier and cooperate with me on this, will ya’? I just need you to answer these questions for me. Do me a favor and don’t lie – you’re talking to a trained professional right now, I’ll be able to pick up on certain things whether you realize it or not. Lying will only come back to bite your ass later on. Just some food for thought. Let’s begin.

Lil did not want to talk to these people. She thought about her court hearing with Dominique; a charge for attempted murder only amounting to a shitty ten-day restraining order. She was livid, and didn’t want to cooperate. This was now the third time she’d been in a room like this, and she was getting sick and tired of it. She said nothing to his initial greeting, arms crossed over her chest, clearly irritated that this was happening.

Q: I’m gonna’ start light. I hate interrogators who go straight into the hard stuff, ya’ know? I find it impolite. So, tell me a little about yourself. Give me your full name.

“I’m Lillian Christine Thomas. I go to Hyland University, I’m a dance major and cultural anthropology minor. I work at the library so I don’t have to talk to people, and I’m president of Hyland Dance Alliance.”

Q: Alright. Tell me your date of birth and age.

“October 31st, 1999. I’m twenty going on twenty-one. How old are you?”

He laughed lightly, and she didn’t laugh back. He took that as a cue to continue.

Q: Where did you grow up? What was your home life like? Tell me about your family and your upbringing. Give me your story.

“I lived in Crystal Lake with my mom and dad for a while and then moved here to Chicago when they split. They had split custody so I was always going back and forth. Mom got remarried when I was seven to this Asian lady that I’d thought was my godmother. Life with moms was cool but dad was a little weird to be around; I think he resented my mom and I have her face. I have an older brother Charlie, who was mostly nice to me but still picked on me like a normal older brother. I danced. A lot.”

Q: Tell me about the most impactful people in your life. I’m not picky – they can be good or bad impacts.

“My sophomore year biology teacher pulled me aside to talk to me about how I was doing when I clearly wasn’t doing alright. I wasn’t raising my hand in class anymore even though I clearly loved science, I could hardly stay awake, and I never turned in homework on time. She was the only person to notice or ask me and just didn’t assume I was lazy.”

“Other than that, I would say... my dad. He’s a CEO and is on his second wife since divorcing my mom. We had a falling out when I came out of the closet to him, and things still aren’t fixed. But it’s more complicated than that, now. I think we were closer when I was younger, but age just divides people, I guess. Still, he’s had the most impact on me lately, so.”

Q: What are your goals in life? What would be your ideal final ending? What would help you reach these goals?

“Uh... I guess I just want to dance. If I could dance until I died I would. Like those people in France. They did that, right? The French? Diagnose me with that.”

Q: How would you describe yourself?

“Prickly. Dynamic. Harsh. But reliable, a team player. I’m good at understanding people but don’t have the patience to layer everything I say with bubble-wrap.”

The investigator, Booth, very badly covered a snort. Lil wasn’t trying to hold any barres; fuck these guys. They could interrogate her as much as they wanted and she’d still tell them the same things.

Q: What do you do in your free time? What’s your idea of fun? What sports or extracurriculars are you in at Hyland University?

“I dance in my free time. Dancing is my idea of fun. A good birthday party is my idea of fun. Pokemon. Normal shit. Fuck sports, but I do watch games sometimes to support friends even if I’m bored.”

Q: Do you drink? Smoke? Take drugs of any kind? Answer carefully on this one, kid.

“Do you count Zoloft? Because if you do then we’re probably going to have a problem.”

Q: Tell me about the relationships in your life. Friendships, romantic, everything in between.

“Romantic? None. Friendships... I’ve been friends with Caroline Kinsey since we were just being freed from the duck-foot trap that are diapers. We’re not particularly close but she’s been there long enough that I consider her important.”

“Reid Garwin gets on my nerves but he trusts me enough to have the key to his apartment for some reason and I’m planning on leaving a dog at his place. Is that a crime? Is that reverse stealing?”

Q: What’s the best thing that has ever happened to you? What’s the worst?

“My best moments happen on stage. Every time I can possibly think of I’m surrounded by all of the people that share my passion and support me and move with me.”

The detective seemed warmed by this, which is why she decided to attack him next.

“Both of the worst things that ever happened to me are probably in your fucking case file on me, considering I went to court for both of them. Thanks a whole lot, by the way. Fucking ace detective work, pretending giving someone something they’re allergic to and then literally stabbing them in the chest with an EpiPen isn’t attempted murder or at least assault. How much did Daddy pay you? This department is a little bitch. I bet if Morgan’s parents were paying you that much the case would be “solved” by now.”

His pleasant expression wiped clean off of his face. If he was going to try to incriminate her then she was going to shove blame right back onto him. “That case is closed.” He couldn’t say shit because Lil knew she was right. They both knew. Fucker.

Q: Let me throw in a fun one, lighten up the mood. Would you rather only be able to tell the truth or only be able to lie?

“The truth. Lying is stupid.”

He made a mark with his pen and Lil wondered what it was. The question was stupid, too. “I could’ve guessed that.” He admitted.

Q: Did you kill Morgan Parrish?

“I don’t see my lawyer around so I elect to say nothing on that.”

Q: Let’s get some background information on this. How do you know Morgan Parrish?

“We had the same freshman seminar class. We hit it off because we both liked to talk shit about people.”

Q: Explain the extent of your relationship with her. Was it platonic? Civil? Rocky? Romantic?

“Rocky and romantic. We dated for a while, but it didn’t always feel like dating. Have you seen those kinky porn videos where people get vibrators tied to them and they just have to sit there and suffer until they cum? That’s how it felt with Morgan, emotionally and physically. Suffering and catharsis until you’re kicking and screaming.”

The detective pulled a face of distaste; obviously, it was too much information but that was honestly how Lil would describe it. “What? Squimish, detective? I would’ve thought you’d heard everything by now.”

Q: In your own words, describe Morgan Parrish to me.

“A self-serving, lying, cheating, manipulative bitch. Do you want me to elaborate?”

Booth inhaled a deep breath, and if this were any other setting Lil would’ve been satisfied that she was aggravating him this much. She must be the most insufferable person he’d ever interrogated.

Q: Would you say your life got better or worse upon meeting Morgan Parrish?

“Sometimes it was worse, sometimes it was better, sometimes it was the same. You’re asking a lot of leading questions. You do realize humans are complex beings with complicated feelings? Or do you treat everyone that walks in here like a lizard person?”

Booth threw his pen onto the table, scrubbing his eyes with his hands and sitting up in his seat, staring at Lil with a stern expression on his face. “Miss Thomas-”

“It’s Lil.”

He ignored her. “Miss Thomas, you do understand that this is a serious investigation and that it would be in your best interest to answer these questions seriously and honestly.”

Lil sat up in her seat, leaning on the table. “What makes you think I’m not being serious? Was it my laughter? Or did my smile give it away?” she hadn’t given even a hint of a smile in three days, much less in this fucking room. “Do you want me to pretend this is a pleasant conversation? I don’t want to talk to you or even fucking look at you. I’m answering your questions. What else do you want?”

“Some respect would be nice.”

“You haven’t earned any.”

They both stared at each other hard. He slouched back into his chair, picking up his pen and fiddling with it before looking back down at his questions.

Q: What was your favorite thing about her?

“She was transparent. She knew who she was and owned up to it. I admired that about her.”

Q: What was your least favorite thing about her?

“She was cruel and mean and only cared about herself. Next?”

Q: Where were you the night of her murder?

“I don’t remember for sure. I want to say at rehearsals? They take attendance if you want to get that deep.”

Q: Where were you the day before?

“To be real with you probably the same place. Or at work or something.”

Q: Where were you after?

“Do you mean when they found her body? I don’t know. I saw it on the news while at school, eating lunch in the union. Needless to say I threw it up.”

Q: How did you feel about her passing?

“At the time I was just scared and freaked out. You don’t expect that kind of stuff to happen to people you know.”

Q: What do you think about the way she died? Just as a refresher, Morgan Parrish was drugged, strangled, beaten, and then shot.

“What do you mean what do I think? Do you want me to give my expert analysis since you guys haven’t had luck finding the killer yet? Either someone’s just demented as all fuck or they really hated her. Maybe both.”

The eye contact was intense but Lil didn’t back down from it. She supposed his approach to her sass was just going to be ignoring it from here on out.

Q: Did you make any sort of tribute to her death and put it on social m-

Lil’s answer would’ve been a huge big fat no, if she’d had time to answer the question, but then someone else was opening the door to the room she was in.

Another interrogator walks into the room. She’s holding a folder with your picture clipped to the front. She opens it in front of Detective Booth and whispers something into his ear. He shoots you a look and then excuses himself from the room. He returns twenty minutes later, features stony. He quickly writes something down on his notepad and then caps the pen.

Lil’s anxiety spiked, even though she knew they were trying to make her nervous on purpose. She’d been through this already, and she knew that she couldn’t slip up, and that she shouldn’t lie. She just hoped she didn’t lie inadvertently.

Q: Change of plans. I’m going to scrap the questions I had prepared and ask you what I see fit. Where were you exactly the night Morgan Parrish died?

“I already told you I was probably at rehearsals. April is when technical rehearsals kick up so I was probably at light tech.”

Q: Tell me all the details you can remember from that night.

“Uh. Assuming I’m correct about being at rehearsals, I would’ve been there at around 8pm and would’ve gotten out at around 10pm. Probably went to get food with my roommate really late at a drive-thru.”

Q: Were you intoxicated at any point?

“No.”

Q: Are there any witnesses able to corroborate your story?

“Over ten people, so yeah.”

Q: I feel like you’re leaving things out. Tell me all the details you can remember from that night.

The berating was grating on Lil’s nerves. What did they want from her? A confession? “I woke up at five am to get to work by six, because I always work at six. Worked for a few hours, went to my first class - I don’t remember which class it was so don’t fucking ask, thanks. Then I would’ve gotten food until my next class, and then eaten again and done homework in the library until I had rehearsals. And then you already know the rest.”

Q: … are you telling me the truth, kid? We got six other students we’re talking to today – sure would suck for you if one of ‘em was able to prove that something you’re saying is false.

“You’re asking me questions about something that happened over a year ago. Maybe you should do your job better and get on it faster and then maybe you’d get an exact account. If something I said ends up not being true it’s not because I did anything wrong on purpose. Fuck you.”

He was trying to scare her into saying something and she wasn’t going to have it.

Q: What was the last thing you said to Morgan?

“Probably that I fucking hated her guts. Why?”

Q: Have you ever gotten into a physical altercation with Morgan before?

“Yeah? And?”

Q: Have you ever fought verbally with Morgan?

“What the fuck do you think?”

He cleared his throat, and Lil looked away from him with an eye-roll.

Q: Would you say you felt safe around Morgan?

“No. Fuck Morgan.”

Q: Do you wish you had never met Morgan?

“No shit, Sherlock.”

Q: Do you own a gun?

These were the questions Lil hated. Morgan had been treated horribly before she died, but the nail in the coffin had been a bullet, and Lil had been trying hard not to think about it.

“No.”

Q: Have you handled a gun before?

“Yes.”

Q: Do you know someone who owns a gun?

“Yes.”

Her grandparents owned one and so did her dad. She’d shot before at the lake house, blasting cans off of the dock with her brother.

Q: Have you gotten into physical fights before?

“I know for sure that there’s shit in your file telling you I have so I don’t know why you even have to ask that fucking question but go off I guess.”

She was just tired and she didn’t want to be there anymore. She was ready to go home.

Q: Is there anyone who can prove where you say you were on the night of her death?

“Talk to the chair of the theater and dance office. She keeps attendance records.”

Q: Do you think Morgan deserved to die?

“Not the way she did, no.”

Q: Do you wish she was still alive?

“No.”

Q: Do you miss her?

“Fuck no.”

Q: Has your life gotten better or worse since her death?

“Worse.”

He seemed puzzled by that, but of all the questions he chose not to elaborate on, it was that one. That had been the whole point of contention in her case with Dominique, and here she was a few weeks later doing the same fucking thing. She didn’t know how they hadn’t arrested her already; it’d be easy to pin it on her. It wasn’t like they weren’t dealing out false verdicts anyways.

Q: If you could bring her back to life, would you?

“Hell no. The dead don’t like being brought back to life.”

Q: Are you hiding something from the people of Hyland? From your family? From me?

Lil sneered. “What? Even my brutal honesty isn’t enough for you?”

Q: Have you been telling the truth this entire time?

“To the best of my knowledge. Yes.”

Q: Did you kill Morgan Parrish?

“Ask me that again once I’ve spoken to a lawyer.”

The detective closed his case file, rubbing his temples and looking like Lil had given him a serious migraine. She probably had. “You’re free to go.” He waved her off, clearly exhausted. Lil pushed herself from the chair and said nothing as she left.

#hylandtask #[ lil task. ]

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alarawriting · 6 years

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April’s Dream House

Back when Aqua Teen Hunger Force was on the air, I thought about how to create a sardonic animated comedy for adults that centered around female characters, possibly even having no male characters, the way that ATHF had no female characters. My high concept was a Barbie doll who has to open up her home to an assortment of other toys, where behind the scenes presumably a little girl with a very dark sense of humor was telling these stories.

Eventually I added male characters, and gave up on the dream of making it an animation, since I can’t draw and I don’t really have access to people who can who have time to do something like this. I still kind of hope to make it a comic book or something like that, though, because this would be funnier if it’s visual.

Anyway, I’ve decided to post what I have of the concept because I think it’s funny.

Cast:

April (April and Friends) (Based on Barbie)

Sheonte (Divazz) (based on Bratz)

Catrina (Weargirls) (Based on Monster High)

Kerry Kitty/Kelly Kitty (Japanese mascot character, Kerry/Kelly Kitty and Friends) (Based on Hello Kitty)

Cherry Blossom (Best Pony Friends) (Based on My Little Pony)

Doktor Zapp (Playstuf mad scientist lab set) (based on Playmobil)

Lovey (an elderly, non-franchised, stuffed puppy)

Emily Egg (Emily Egg, line of small baby dolls with furniture) (based on Penelope Peapod)

Chad (April and Friends) (Based on Ken from Barbie)

Steve (Real American Heroes) (based on GI Joe)

Meet April. One of America’s most beloved celebrities, April has been, over the course of her lengthy career, a nurse, a neurosurgeon, an astronaut, a firefighter, a rocket scientist, CEO of a company, owner of a restaurant, a police detective, a model, a rock star, and an actress. Also, a mother figure to her three younger sisters, Betty, Courtney and Madison. (One wonders where her mom is.) But the sad secret to April’s incredibly varied career is that she is too big of an asshole to keep a job. She’s incredibly smart, sarcastic, and cruel to anyone she thinks is intellectually or socially beneath her, which is everyone. She’s also addicted to uppers, and doesn’t sleep, like, ever.

Though she’s remarkably talented, her equal talent for pissing people off has gotten her blacklisted from several industries lately, and so, facing foreclosure on her magnificent Dream House mansion, April is forced to… ugh… take in housemates. Thus, the plot of April’s Dream House begins with April reluctantly inviting others into her home to help her pay the mortgage.

Appearance: White, tall, long blonde hair, blue eyes. Wears a lot of classic fashion, rich white lady from old money type stuff. Also a lot of things like sparkling white tennis outfits and the like. Huge boobs, tiny waist.

Housemates at April’s Dream House include:

Sheonte: Part of the Divazz team of fashion designers, journalists and adventurers, but the Divazz have broken up recently, the result of internal lawsuits and sexual shenanigans involving each other’s husbands. The Divazz and April’s entourage considered each other top competitors ten years ago, to the point of being at “war”, so Sheonte and April kind of low-key hate each other, but Sheonte needs a place to live ever since she caught her husband Jax having sex with her best friend Vivi, attacked them both brutally with her shoes and then ran into the night screaming. Jax has chosen not to press charges but has a restraining order against Sheonte, so she’s sort of stuck looking for a place to live, and all her other friends have taken Vivi’s side.

Appearance: Black, shorter than April, has a big beautiful fro that she occasionally does up in dreads. Very urban style, hip-hop look, also wears shoes with absolutely ridiculous spiked heels. Does not have as exaggerated a figure as April. When she is first introduced, she has no feet, since she attacked her friend and her husband with her shoes and Divazz’s shoes are part of their feet, but she acquires a wide assortment of feet very quickly.

Catrina: The Weargirls were top fashion models who all happened to be animal shapeshifters. Catrina, to no one’s surprise, is a cat. She thinks she’s supposed to live up to this, frequently making cat puns and throwing random meows into her conversation. Catrina thinks she’s tough, but really isn’t. Tries to start shit with her housemates. April and Sheonte bond over how immature she is and how the Weargirls are total ripoffs of their own thing. Catrina decided to move in because none of the Weargirls have a dream house; the best they’ve got is Batrice’s creepy mansion (Batrice being a bat shapeshifter, and also a vampire. With vampire parents.)

Appearance: Long, straight black hair. Body and face design is “race-coded” to look Latina, but she has tabby markings on her skin and cat eyes and ears.

Kerry/Kelly Kitty: Kelly herself refers to herself as Kerry and Kelly interchangeably. Kerry is a Japanese mascot character who is a cat. She is a white cat with a smile who is often seen doing the maneki neko beckon thing with her paw; is only vaguely anthro in that she is bipedal and has a much bigger head in comparison to body than a cat (or than a human, or a human doll). Kelly is very amiable and friendly, but is tired of having her life micromanaged by her agents. She is a huge celebrity in Japan, but less well known in the US, and is thrilled that sometimes people don’t know who she is. Has a pet named Chibineko, which she freely admits is a ridiculous name (it means “little cat”; apparently her American agents stuck her with the name. She wanted to name it Unagi, because it squirms out of her vaguely anthro arms like a little eel.) Catrina often tries to pick fights with her because “catfight”, but Kerry just laughs.

Appearance: Is a bipedal white cat with a really big head. Mostly dresses in a very casual style but has a bunch of kimonos from home she likes to wear around the house when she feels like being comfy. Never wears shoes. Has cat feet and paws, but somehow manages opposable thumb tasks. Unlike the real Hello Kitty, Kelly does in fact have a mouth.

Cherry Blossom: Is a pony. Pink, with a white mane that’s tied up with a big pink flower hair clip. Cherry Blossom comes from a land of friendship and sharing, and is a bit miffed that in this new world she has to give pony rides and act in stupid Disney movies to make a living. She’s kind of bitter because she was flung into another dimension years ago and none of her so called friends have come to rescue her. And by kind of bitter, I mean she’s a giant bitch.

Doktor Zapp: Rents the basement, which he’s converted into his new lab. Doktor Zapp is rather resentful that he’s been cast as some sort of malevolent mad scientist, performing horrible experiments on the human body, when all he wants to do is create the perfect cyborg. His previous lab got trashed by a twenty-foot-tall dog that chewed on most of the lab equipment; he barely got away with his life by hiding under a gigantic couch. Now he’s trying to rebuild his life. He does government contracting for a living.

Appearance: Smaller than all the others because he’s a playset action figure. White hair in a bowl cut, pale skin, dark glasses he never takes off. Always seen in a lab coat, green shirt and black pants.

Lovey: Is a hound dog. A stuffed puppy that was adorable once, but now she’s elderly, her coat patchy and fraying, stuffing leaking, one eye pointing in a different direction than the other. Lovey’s kind of perpetually sad because her owner went to high school and started ignoring her, and then went away to college and never came back.

Emily Egg: Is a baby doll, but close to the same size as the fashion dolls, just proportioned like a baby. Emily doesn’t talk much, and when she does, it’s kind of baby babble, but she is friendly and cheerful. Has sort of latched onto April as a quasi mother figure. Is also great friends with Lovey. Emily sleeps in an egg-shaped basket.

Chad: Is April’s “boyfriend”. He’s handsome, stylish and romantic, and very gentlemanly; he’s never pushed her to have sex. He’s a model, an actor, and the lead singer of a teen-beloved boyband. He’s also completely and totally gay, and April is the only one who doesn’t know it, but he is afraid of ruining his career if he comes out because he works for Disney-esque child-friendly networks.

Steve: Is April’s other boyfriend, the one she is cheating on Chad with. Steve is an ex-Marine, smart, tough and rugged. He’s also bi. He knows of Chad’s existence but thinks Chad is a jerk for not coming out to April and breaking up with her, because he, like everyone on the planet but April, knows that Chad is gay. When he actually meets Chad, he finds to his shock that he actually likes the guy. Steve and Chad both end up breaking up with April and marrying each other; she gets to be Best Woman. April remains friends with them both but cries a lot about the whole thing.

#april's dream house

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astrolocherry · 7 years

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Transiting Venus in Libra October 14, 2017 - November 7, 2017

Aphrodite is at home when Venus is in Libra and she activates the lover in everybody. We approach our social life, relationship, and matters of romance like we are consuming sugar, and there is a real desire to luxuriate in our natural pleasures. Also, the actual consumption of sugar can increase, because Venus is the ruler of confectionery, sugar, and sweet treats. This is a good time for appreciating the quality of relationships in our life, be it with friends, lovers, or family members. The energy of Libra is all about connection, harmony, and unity. If you have been feeling disconnected or isolated, Aphrodite responds with her appetite for togetherness, and she encourages us to re-establish and maintain contact with other people. She exhales the breath of tranquility, so it’s possible to resolve conflicts and disagreements. Venus also rules over financial matters, and she is prone to excess in her own sign. It means that we can become less concerned with financial responsibility and spend more money on personal luxuries like new clothes, make up, dining out, alcohol, caramel mochas, home decore, and social events. The relationship sector is the whipped cream of life with Venus in Libra. It’s a time for spending weekends cozying up to loved ones watching Netflix, cooking with lovers, getting a new hairstyle and feeling your most beautiful, and enjoying the traditions of dating and old fashioned romance. Transiting Venus in Libra offers many different experiences, pleasures, and creative inspiration for different people. The qualities of Venus operate where she is placed in your personal horoscope.

It’s important that you check your own transit chart for validation, because some people have signs close to the house cusp which can move it into the following house, or have Venus making significant aspects to outer natal planets

Aries rising or transiting Venus in the 7th house: Venus in Libra may be quintessentially social, but her condition in the 7th house also generates the need for self reflection and quiet appreciation. The sense of belonging is especially emphasised, and through the Venus mirror, loved ones reveal their finest qualities. The relationship stage is especially under the spotlight here, but it’s also about acknowledging and appreciating their own beauty, it’s a time for falling in love with themselves. All matters of business partnership present opportunity for wealth development.

Taurus rising or Venus transiting the 6th house: Work and maintaining the responsibilities of daily life become easier and harmonic. It’s possible to develop closer relationships with colleagues and find work especially enjoyable, especially for the social aspect. The energy for sacrifice is great, the person can burn themselves out trying to be all things to all people. Health matters come into focus, the individual can make or break their diet or health regime. It may be very difficult to resist sugar and lollies, the person can experience sugar highs and lows and extreme changes in mood. It can also emphasise health anxieties. Looking after themselves helps them feel better about themselves

Gemini rising: or Venus transiting the 5th house Personal amusement and pleasures becomes an insatiable urge, the individual may spend a lot of time cooking, eating out, spending money, having sex, and possibly think about children. There may be an opportunity for developing romance and satisfying romantic and sexual fantasies. Venus is comfortable here, maybe a little bit too comfortable. Her sultry side and seductive side is the star of the show. The ego celebrates its existence through creativity

Cancer rising or Venus in the 4th house: Home is a safe place where they return to a place of belonging. The appreciation for family members, especially the mother and sisters becomes especially enhanced, it’s a time when their mum can become their best friend. Family and domestic disputes can be resolved, because Aphrodite is so rattled by resentful energy. Instead of going out, the individual loves more than ever to be surrounded by friends and family in the home under the blankets and sharing stories between movies. The individual may spend a lot of money on the home decorating or re-designing

Leo rising or Venus in the 3rd house: The communication is decorated in cupcake ice, so the verbal delivery can be more beautiful, harmonising, and attractive than ever. The sensory environment becomes exquisitely provocative, so the individual can be more responsive than ever to music, meaningful conversation, literature, or conflict. Social contact is important and the individual can be more talkative and engaged with friends. The person may spend quality time with siblings or resolve conflict between them. There may be nothing more pleasurable than spending the afternoon reading a book, magazine, or a blog

Virgo rising or Venus transiting the 2nd house: The sensory appreciation is enhanced here and there can be an increased urgency for affection, the protection of loved ones, and having somebody to provide for. It’s possible that the individual will spend a lot of money on their dependants and investments. Creative material can generate capital, and all matters of business partnership present opportunity for wealth development. It’s possible that the income will stabilise if it has been unreliable

Libra rising or Venus transiting the 1st house: After surrendering to loneliness and exile, social contact is emphasised and relationships validate their existence. The individual wants to be seen with their lover, somebody they are proud to be a part of. A beautiful appearance is in the mirror’s eye, the person can be more mindful on presenting a polished image and experimenting with personal style. If the individual is not in a relationship, Venus here can conduct a bee-to-honey performance where romantic interests emerge from their hiding place

Scorpio rising or Venus transiting the 12th house: Pleasures can be consumed in excess, alone, away from the eyes of company. This makes it possible for the individual to lose sight of how far they have gone. This could be any personal indulgence like eating, substance use, pursuing forbidden romance, or gambling. Venus is social, but here she is quiet, inactive, and dreamy. The streaks of melancholy can generate inspirational creativity. Old lovers can come out of the woodwork. If the person is in a relationship, the partner may become unwell or need to be looked after. Much of this time is likely spent alone with the partner, napping together. Personal income may become uncertain

Sagittarius rising or transiting Venus in the 11th house: Friends are the sweet sugar of life and there is no better time to appreciate the good qualities they bring to your life. The social calendar can be especially active right now. The individual may desire to join a group, charity, or an organisation. It’s possible that friendships or relationships can develop online, and the individual may enjoy sharing spiritual knowledge, astrology, or political revelations with friends or online circles. The personal style can become experimental

Capricorn rising or transiting Venus in the 10th house: Expect a warm response from the public. You are more socially radiant and desirable than ever. But do they see the real you? or are they blinded by the image they have and want of you? It’s important to decipher this possibility. You can charm yourself into that promotion you desire or impress superiors with your personal qualities. Venus here may also resolve conflict with parents or offer reward for all the hard work, maybe the individual finally has enough money to buy that object of material desire.

Aquarius rising or transiting Venus in the 9th house: You can enjoy yourself again without excess guilt or compulsive self destruction. The individual may think about traveling or even book a trip overseas. Long distance relationships can begin. Also the love of learning and matters of the spirit are enhanced, it means that playing with astrology can be really fun. If you study tertiary education, you may be more interested in the social events, parties, and being with your university friends than going to the lectures. This also means that group work assignments are easier, for once. Personal comment, I think we all know group assignments are the worst lol. Ok back to focusing. It’s also a good time for accessing the help you need from academics or expert advice from any professional like doctors or psychiatrists.

Pisces rising or transiting Venus in the 8th house: Deep desires and romantic longings reveal themselves as sexual desires, so the person can be drawn to close and intimate experiences. This isn’t really a comfortable place for Venus. It can activate her dark desires or obsessions. The course of current relationships will grow deeper and more intense, it’s time to the plunge and expose the parts of themselves they have feared to reveal before lovers. There can be physical urges and sensations without causation, powerful attractions to forbidden, complex, and mesmerising people. The person can be more secretive than usual.

-C.

[art: Mab Graves]

#transiting venus in libra #transit venus in libra #transit #horoscope #venus in libra

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nonbinarysasquatch · 6 years

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Paula Needs to Get Over Josh!

This episode is a rollercoaster emotionally and it’s hard to figure out how to approach talking about it.

Let’s start with Paula:

I don’t see any of the characters of this show as villains but if season 1 *did* have a villain, I think I’d say it was Paula over Rebecca. But Paula isn’t a villain. She’s a lonely and bored mother and wife, looking for something to make her life feel more magical.

As Scott pointed out earlier in the season, Paula has in the past found other things to obsess over like her “vampire novels” which probably means Twilight (since Paula expresses her love for Twilight.) Paula loves and eats up that sort of unhealthy, over idealised romantic crap so when Rebecca Bunch shows up, acting out the sort of unhealthy behaviours she’s probably been reading about her entire life, she latches onto her, developing a codependency.

You should never lose sight of the fact that this show is a satire. It can be easy to forget since the show mostly doesn’t ram you over the head with it. It expects you to be smart and already aware of the tropes it’s deconstructing. 90% of the reviews I’ve seen of this show that aren’t positive are from people who took everything on a surface level and failed to engage with the show on the level it wants you to.

Can you hate Paula in this season, knowing that she represents real women? I can’t. But, still, she is deeply frustrating, especially as she berates Rebecca for failing to appreciate all the work she’s put in for her love story with Josh.

And this brings us to Darryl. The character most closely paralleled with Rebecca on this show. Darryl cares about Rebecca and Paula and he knows how much they mean to each other. So he goes to Paula, not to tell her that she’s being terrible but to remind her of how important her friendship with Rebecca is.

Darryl, meanwhile, is getting along with White Josh well. I think there’s something interesting, when we see Rebecca and Greg’s very different reactions to all the romantic stuff at Philip and Jayma’s wedding reception and Darryl’s reaction is most similar to Rebecca’s but in a less idealised way.

Rebecca and Paula make up at the end and Paula finally lets go of Rebecca’s love life, resolving to just be a good friend, even telling her that she should be open with Greg about her feelings. I’m looking forward to gushing about Paula in season 2.

Elsewhere in this episode is Josh struggling with his unhappiness with Greg and Rebecca being together. Josh doesn’t want to marry Valencia. Why does he ultimately promise that he will propose? I think he does care about her and we would like to do that for her to make her happy but ultimately he should cut her loose because he can’t bring himself to even buy a ring.

Valencia’s scheme to get him to propose at the wedding reception is bad but she’s not wrong about their relationship. Rebecca was never the problem. Josh and Valencia just aren’t a good match. Josh doesn’t take his life seriously. He wants things to be easy and simple. Big high five to Valencia for finally breaking up with him. He was never going to do it.

I see Josh as someone who does want to do the right thing and make people happy but he doesn’t know how to make those decisions, so he allows the women in his life to make his decisions for him. But then he resents that. Josh is upset that Valencia doesn’t respect or understand him and while he’s not wrong about that, he’s not holding himself accountable for having strung her along for so long.

Back to the theme of idealised love stories, we get more insight into Rebecca as we find out about her childhood love of a Disney-esque film she loved called ‘Slumbered’. This approaches the fact that society as a whole feeds children from birth with a lot of unhealthy, unrealistic crap about romance or as Heather accurately calls it “the patriarchal love narrative.”

And this is something I definitely have a lot of feelings about. I am unapologetically a hater of soulmate narratives, the concept of one true love, till death do us part etc etc. It’s all the product of the heteropatriarchy and none of it is healthy or realistic.

But that doesn’t mean that romantic love is bad or that sentimentality is all bad. But I think people would be a lot healthier and happier if they kept their feet on the grounds and didn’t inflate their romantic relationships to be bigger and more important than they can possibly be. It creates expectations that no one can live up to. They are fine within the confines are stories but real life doesn’t work like a controlled narrative.

Which, really digs into a big part of why I love this fuckin’ show! Because I don’t think the message of this show is that romantic love is bad. It’s that… shitty, idealized romantic tropes are bad and not a healthy basis for your own personal relationships.

So, I’m a bit Greg in this episode… but not really. Greg’s behaviour in this episode, in my opinion, is not driven by hating sentimentality but being afraid of it. He’s afraid that he’s going to get hurt so he puts up a fake bullshit mask and gets himself drunk so that he doesn’t have to engage with it.

Rebecca, on the other hand, comes down to Earth and realizes that trying to force what is a very new relationship into something idealistic isn’t healthy. So she goes to Greg and is honest about caring about him, with no expectations or presumptions being presented. And Greg fucks it up. He says… she’s cool.

I think ultimately, Greg isn’t a good place. Rebecca isn’t either, of course but Greg hasn’t even begun to admit he has a problem. Should he have told her he loves her? Well, he should’ve been honest with her, that’s for damn sure.

And so Aunt Myrna sings the song from ‘Slumbered’ and Josh and Rebecca run off to have sex on the hood of Josh’s car. With Rebecca back within the confines of the patriarchal love narrative she feels safe enough to finally tell Josh, “I moved here for you.”

And the season ends, not with romanticization but instead a focus on Josh’s face and his discomfort at this revelation.

The Songs:

After Everything I’ve Done For You (That You Didn’t Ask For): Look, I’m going to say this a lot but, Donna Lynne Champlin is amazing. A perfect climax to Paula and Rebecca’s relationship in season 1 as Paula reveals the extent of her obsession with Rebecca’s love life and the things that she has done to keep it on track. The fear and pain on Rebecca’s face at the end is so hard to see.

One Indescribable Instant: Lea Freakin’ Salonga! Who better to get perform a Disney princess song that a former Disney princess? And obviously, Philip and Jayma’s wedding and Josh and Rebecca having sex on a flying carpet plays into Lea Salonga having performed Jasmine’s singing voice in Aladdin. And man, it 100% feels like a Disney princess song from the 90s.

Episode Rating: 9.5 out of 10.0.

That gives all of season one an average rating of: 8.92.

#crazy ex girlfriend #Paula Needs To Get Over Josh!#I'll be curious how my final rating for season 2 ends up #My feeling is that it's comparable to season 1 #but it's shorter #and that might help the average

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aleatoryalarmalligator · 7 years

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Life Story Part 54

So, I hadn't really spoken to Ava in some time at this point. I feel like we saw her time and time again in vehicles. We were now going to school in the same town after all, albeit, in very different environments. I certainly heard the stories about her – in a year's time since she'd left Kendrick, she had become very well known. How promiscuous she was, or that she had cheated on people, stolen from people, or how she had done more drugs and alcohol than most of the other people. She seemed to have her hands in a lot of cookie jars. Ava had dated Teal's boyfriend for a time, Lee – until he had left her for someone else. Lee had been into this band, HIM, which was a band that Sarah was really into. I could never quite get into HIM. I didn't like the sound of their instruments. I felt their albums were overproduced, and their lyrics were more about dark romantic images but had no meaning.

Ava ended up getting tickets to see HIM in Seattle that late fall however, and she hadn't seen Sarah or I for awhile, so she invited the both of us to go with her to Seattle. I had never been to Seattle before. There was always a part of me that resented Ava for what she had done. I felt like, in stepping between Zack and I, she had changed the course of my life. It was more than just the friendship betrayal thing. I really woke up everyday going over it and over it in my mind, even though it was going on two years since Zack had been in my life. They say time heals all wounds, but of course many of us know that to be silly. Time distorts feelings and memories. But certain things just don't disappear like that. I would say at this point, Zack was like this secret teddy bear I would pull out whenever I felt like the world was out to get me, either physically, or metaphorically.

Also, the feelings I had had for Zack had changed me in other ways that had nothing to do with Zack or myself anymore. I am not saying that my love for him was one of a kind. I realize there is only so much that is possible for me to describe with my writing capabilities, and it's been nearly fifteen years since those junior high days, so things are blurry to me now. But what I had felt had been so real that I had – and still have this ability to emotionally transcend all the meaninglessness of my life. The feelings come and go, but they laid the tracks down for my depth of feeling and imagination. For this reason, Zack became a symbol to me, of enlightenment. This is what he was to me, and how I viewed him, long after the fact. If Zack thought of me often during these times, I cannot say – but I am sure it was not like I thought of him. And when I had to see Ava's wild happy manic face, I felt this cold resentment. She had Jolened me. She had stepped on something beautiful because she had felt like it at the moment. She had changed me, and in some metaphorical way, I felt like she had clipped my wings, so now I was forced to struggle on the ground to build the stairs to reach the places in life that I had once had wings to fly to. For Ava, there would always be another person to go to after this one. She was much more of a survivor than I was. But things still hurt me.

All the same, Ava was fun as hell, I have never met a more fun person. And Seattle was Seattle. And I more or less liked HIM at the time, even though it wasn't truly my thing, so I went along. It was over the course of a weekend. Ava's father drove us. I was mystified and perplexed how Ava treated her dad. She would yell at him because of his driving. She would tell him to pass people, scream at him to speed up. Chastise him for not making the right lane. It was awful, and unnecessary. She didn't appreciate the trip at all. I could never even imagine doing that with a straight face, let alone to my own father, who would have shouted so loud that a black hole would have formed (I'm no scientist – seems legit), and I would have been sucked in for all eternity. The Washington desert is actually quite large. When people think of Washington, they think of the evergreens, basically the areas by the Coast and Mount Rainier and the Cascades. They don't realize that 75% of it is just dry evil desert. Each time I cross the Washington deadlands, I always wish that I could stop and take pictures of all the small towns, the dilapidated buildings that I find beautiful, with the bleak clouds in the backdrop.

When we finally got towards Seattle, I could barely believe my eyes. I had seen Portland, and I thought it had looked industrial and enormous. Seattle looked like the future. I was shocked at all the enormous signs, the angular sky scrapers. It looked like (and is) a very corporate city. It seemed almost like another planet to me, I was so used to small town life. When we went through the tunnels upon entering I was almost afraid and thrilled, seeing the way the darkness took over everything and there was nothing but the cars in front of you, all seeming to speed at 100 miles an hour, with the orange glow from the lights on the side of the tunnel. I was really that taken aback. It was hard for me to believe this place was real somehow. I knew that cities were big, but I didn't anticipate the atmosphere, or the feeling of hundreds of thousands of living beings competing and all with separate lives and ideas. This might sound crazy, but when I am in places where there are a lot of people, I feel really can sense all those people. It's not like I can hear thoughts. It's much more subtle than that. I get the strong vibes about it.

We were supposed to get the the show as soon as possible, but Ava was hungry and mad, so we stopped at a local Ihop. My father hadn't given me any money for the trip – he was/is very much a cheap toe in this regard, so I watched Ava wolf down ten pancakes. I was happy though, just staring out the window at the big city. It was raining of course. I remember leaving and we drove on city streets that were steep. The rain and the lighting and all the people almost reminded me a little bit like Bladerunner. When we finally got there, I had to wait in line. My ticket was in will call, and my line ended up being much shorter than theirs, so I stood alone and eventually got a better place than them. I was dressed grungy in a low key sort of way, and I felt a bit peculiar, because many of the people around me, real fans of HIM and melodic goth music in general, were dressed in black lace Victorian outfits that must have cost a fortune. White skinned lads with monocles and top hats escorted ladies in corsets and large framed dresses. HIM attracts a very similar crowd of people, and seems to lyrically loosely be based on the same people who admire and adore The Vampire Chronicles by Anne Rice. I could not help but to notice just how lovely city people were. Small town people, though I don't actually see ugly in the same light as others do, are a lot more molish. I don't know what the secret of city people are keeping from middle America, but I want to find out. Other than the homeless people, people are better dressed, their skin looks nicer, they seem trimmer and more ready for the world. Of course, it's probably because I am walking down areas where people who have money shop. And money buys health – to a certain degree.

I was stopped, and a very giant lady – not fat, but giant, felt me up and down in a very serious way to ascertain that I was not carrying a weapon into the venue, she was slightly rude and pushy with me in the way that city people are when they don't have time for you. Of course, I just stood in the front area of the concert, trying and wishing I could get in the very front, and then eventually squeezing in to a place I wanted. Then I stood for another ten years, as you do during the beginnings of concerts, till your legs are just about to fall off – until the first roady comes in and gives you false hope that the band is going to start. Eventually, the first band came out, a band called Finch. Though I will never really say I dislike any genre, since certain bands give their genre a good name and some bad, I won't say that I dislike metal, screamo, nu metal, or post grunge, exactly, but this music never really appealed to me. From what I remember, Finch was kind of a screamo metal band that fit loosely in that category. It was kind of painful.

Then, eventually HIM came out. Sarah and Ava both had enormous crushes on Ville Vallo, the singer. He is a very unique and strong faced man. I will say that. He is lovely, in a very feminine vampirish way. He was definitely not my kind of lad however – like he was theirs. The show was pretty decent overall. I liked it more than I thought I would. One thing I will say – not that it matters since most people don't know who HIM is anymore – they were more of an early 2000's deal, is that they sound a million times better live. Ville actually sounds a lot more like Billy Idol than he does on album. He had a great scream, a scream that was never once captured on any of HIM's albums – which is pretty disappointing as history will never know the truth.

And since seeing CKY and meeting Chad I. Ginsberg, I had decided that in concerts, when you want someone to notice you – or even if you want someone to notice you in real life (though they might find you a bit odd), you stare at their eyes intently, and you try to dig through their brain. I didn't want to bother with Ville, but I tried it with his guitarist, who had famously taken some kind of shyness stoic oath to never look at his fans when he played. And he did seem to just look down almost the entire time. But I had one goal in mind, and I set to it. Eventually, after five songs in, he looked at me and he smiled. I was very satisfied. In a way, I felt like my ability to make the guitarist – I think his name was Lindy look at me, it kind of made me feel like I was still unique and special, even in a big city, and if I angled my goals properly, I could bypass just about anyone to get what I wanted. I could also mentally manipulate people without having to say anything. When you are not good with speaking – as I for the most part am not – being able to have an effect simply by giving the right facial expressions or wielding a commanding presence is very helpful in compensating for that.

I was saddened to leave Seattle. All my life, Seattle had been there, and I hadn't known it. I had walked back and forth in the small little town of Kendrick my whole life. I had learned to be deeply satisfied with rocks I found at the creek, fifty cent ice cream cones at the small supermarket, the howling of coyotes at night, the smell of nails in the local hardware store. And that had been all there was. I found people who seemed to elevate my life in some way or another, just in my small town. I could only imagine the possible friendships and people that I was meant to meet in a place like Seattle. I was missing out on life. It ached deeply.

Thanksgiving came along once again. My father decided to skip Thanksgiving. Mostly, Maria's family was living with us at that point and he didn't have the money or the wish to spend time with Maria or her kids. She took care of the house by this time and he would come home and go straight to his cold room upstairs. The television was always on cartoons – usually Barbie movies for Chantelle. The house was warm and peopled. To me, it was better than it had been. I think it was doing my father a favor too, but he was getting frustrated with Maria being there. Mostly, he wanted to buy more speakers. He had already spent several thousand on speakers and amps and foot pedals and such, and he wanted more. And Maria's son Ian was the kind of kid who would have ruined his speakers, and there was also not enough room for the speakers and amps he wanted so long as they were there. But he couldn't complain. I was in school till 6:00pm and couldn't be home to make dinner or anything like that.

My mother also skipped Thanksgiving, though we ended up getting invited to a late one later on by Danny's rich parents of Italian heritage. It was a last second thing. My mother felt anxious and outclassed. She was very worried that she wasn't good enough for Danny, and she demanded that we all dress up for the invited occasion. All I had was flannels, t-shirts and jeans. But she somehow found a black velvet baby doll dress for me to wear, and that was the first time I ever wore a dress since I had been ten or eleven years old, and only then for a band field trip at the time.

Before then though, I had been under the assumption that I wasn't going to get a Thanksgiving at all. Mike and Jenni heard about that, and Mike's eyes teared up a little bit. I tried to explain that it really wasn't too big of a deal, but he seemed to feel that it was heartbreaking and cold. Mike and Jenni always had their own Thanksgiving for the students. And in most ways, that is the official Thanksgiving I had that year, since Danny's parents were kind of judgy and strange and it had been an awkward dinner to say the least. I remember Mike and Jenni really went out of their way. We had all the good Thanksgiving foods, and there was as much of it as we wanted. They even had three different kinds of pies. I think at that moment, Mike and Jenni were at the peak of my liking for the two of them. They just really seemed to care if I had a good Thanksgiving. I tried to take that care, and spread it over my entire childhood. I tried to imagine that someone above me had cared at every junction in which someone had not cared, and for a time, I really believed they did care about me quite a bit.

Math was the one subject that wasn't taught well. The school had limitations in this area. The teacher was a young shy woman named Julie. She was very nervous and didn't seem confident in her ability to explain mathematics. I could tell she was a very practical and serious person. I've noticed those who get degrees in mathematics come in all shapes and sizes, but they all seem linked by this particular outlook on life – mathematical. She had just gotten her degree – and this was her first job teaching. There wasn't room for her to teach us altogether in one classroom, since the building only had two classrooms and one computer lab, so we were forced to watch a video in the computer lab with a sterile man explaining math problems to us. The video's sometimes didn't even work, so in that case, you were lead to a test, where they would give you multiple choice answers to pick from. Remember, I had only a passable understanding of ½ of a year's worth of algebra I. This was geometry, and I wasn't really ready for it. However, it was the only math class that was available and I needed math credits, so I was put in this class anyway. Julie tried to help all these students, but every single one of us was lost so she was over her head bouncing around trying to explain to us individually how to do the questions. She had a tendency to start doing the problem you were having troubles with, without explaining why she had chosen each step.

I sort of challenged her in a way that I didn't need to. It was probably immature. I just felt lost in the class, and got sort of nihilistic about the meaning of why I was doing multiple choice on complex math equations. I was passing, given that I had a way of staring at the problem long enough to where one just seemed more right than the rest, and generally it was. But I didn't know why, so it seemed pointless to even try in the math class, and I think Julie understood why I might feel that way, and yet she had no remedy for this mathematical crisis since the job was nearly impossible as it was – and she was shy and nervous and it put her on edge. I often would spend time on MS paint rather than do my math, and eventually she raised her voice at me. Looking back, I was making it difficult for people to teach me. I wasn't able to put myself in other people's shoes like I am now. She was actually trying to do something that was impossible. I could have at least complied to the best of my ability – but oh, the folly of youth. We are all masters of hindsight.

Mike began reading a book to us for literature class. I felt this was a strange move on his part – since it seemed to me that reading aloud was only ever done when teachers lazily wanted to give off the impression of making their students be 'involved' with each other's learning, by forcing them to all take turns with reading, which gives a very inconsistent and nerve racking experience for me. The book Mike chose to read us was called A Brave New World, by Aldous Huxley and I had never heard of it. Honestly, though I had been an adamant reader when I had been younger – mainly fantasy and soft science fiction books for young readers, I had given up on reading the moment I met Zack, and it had never occurred to me after that to pick up a book very often unless it pertained to a musician I liked. Mike read it very passionately, and it was offputting at first, but after awhile, very enjoyable. I won't explain the details of the book – else I spoil it for people, but I have always felt that, with having had the privilege of having the novel read aloud and explained to me by someone quite passionate and qualified to do so – I have a much fuller grasp of what the novel was about than many people do – not that we are talking about something profoundly difficult, but it has challenged a lot of people. I've met people who read it and didn't really understand the ideas that were at play.

What I took from the novel, and what the novel captures has less to do with a dysutopia we should all be afraid of happening in our imminent futures. Basically, it was a novel that explores consumerism and technology in society, the incompatibility between comforting bliss and truth, alienation from the society you grew up in and the meaning of love and sexuality – or meaninglessness of that. These are ideas I still explore today. This novel really changed the way I thought about things. These were ideas that, as a dumb 7th grade girl pining for Kyle Blegen's attention, I dealt with. Ideas of this nature had always been a part of my life in some form or another, and I believe that these subjects are ones that come up in unspoken forms everyday in people's lives. I just didn't know how to name them and I had believed that I was the only one who noticed them – which might have been partially why I was taken in by the conspiracy theory stuff that Zack introduced me to. Feeling frustrated and alienated by the town I grew up in, being rejected, wanting love to be incredibly deep, but being confused by how sex was more of a product that you sold to people – men in particular, watching the world change around me, looking at the adult world that was quickly coming up on me and being sickened by the emptiness of it, the monotonous emptiness of my parent's lives and their overworked, overstressed systematic suppression of frustration vented at me for being born, and doing everything in my power to pull Sarah down in my own unhappiness, seeing her ability to get by in life that I lacked as a symptom of being 'one of them' - I really felt very trapped and alone.

But apparently, as I was soon to learn, I was not alone. In fact, I was never alone at all. I had not been able to articulate my thoughts – never heard anyone talk about these ideas and in a way I had never felt that they could be talked about – aside from maybe touched upon in song format – which I attributed to a sort of magic rather than the construction of logical thought, and so I had turned to feelings instead and rejected logic as some kind of enemy to art. When in all reality, the two were not exclusive, and there has literally been people in any given society for as long as human beings have been around. And there were writers, and great thinkers of every capacity that struggled just like me. It was what it meant to be human. And even the most famous supermodel in Hollywood probably wonders and struggles with these manifestations. It was humbling to me. It meant that I no longer had to put myself on a pedestal in order to feel like I had any sense of control or feel validated in my own confusion.

We ended up writing a very difficult essay for the book after it was finished, and it took me about three weeks of writing, but I got a B+ on it – and I felt like even though this might not be much for many of the students in public schools – none of their essays were this hard. This form of learning was actually causing me to rapidly catch up and even in some ways surpass the students of the main schools. It was painful. I remember this was when I started drinking energy drinks – I would drink them and write on the buzz. Mike was very impressed by my rapid improvement. He also noticed that due to the way my eyes shifted on the paper book (we all had copies of A Brave New World to read along to as he read), that I was gifted with being an equally auditory learner as I was a visual. Very few students were as centered in that category. And of course, this was happy news for me, as I felt unique and special on account of it.

I think that having reached this point in school where I was, even though I hadn't been there that long – I was now beginning to see myself as being academically gifted – not that I felt like I was a genius or anything, but some kind of pathway had been forged in my mind. I was at the top of my class. And now I was able to demonstrate a point with proof – I was not the dummy everyone thought I was. I had connected the left side of my brain with the right side and even though I had not learned a lot, I now saw the world of ideas and books as being equally real to the feelings I had, and the exterior reality around me. I knew how to swim through it and come out on top. I could visualize it. But this bothered me. I guess it bothered me because the only further thing a person could do with their academic capacity other than learning for fun – was to go to college. I felt like I had somehow been tricked by my teachers into seeing myself actually going to college and getting a degree. A part of me must have thought at the time that having a degree meant something was wrong with you. That you had sacrificed your anger and your youth to 'the man'. I felt like if I even considered college, then I was essentially giving up the life I wanted – being in a band, writing music, playing with Sarah – being cool and living in some kind of heightened form of reality I now know isn't real – or at the very least, is fleeting just like so many other things.

During second semester, Sarah and I didn't go to the middle class. It was a speech class. Mike was oddly cold about my stage fright. He didn't really want to talk about it with me, or at least that is how I remember it. He wasn't going to give me baby steps into it, and when I had to stand up to read something I had written, I felt like I was going to throw up or pass out. It was too much for me. My ego was too problematic. And for some reason – I think it was because I had done okay in speech class in Kendrick's high school, I didn't need speech credits per say. I still could have used those credits towards other subjects (for some reason they let the school do that), but I wasn't about to suffer like that on account of a speech class. So Sarah and I skipped. Since lunch was one hour, and classes went at about two hours, this gave Sarah and I three hours in the middle of the day to do whatever we wanted. It was winter now, and mind you – we were both very broke. So we would often cross the street over to this gas station jointed with an A&W and we would scrounge up the money to buy watered down coffee to draw and talk. The coffees were a dollar a piece and weren't so bad if you took total and full advantage of the mini creamers and sugar packet section. It was starting to snow in Moscow. It gets mighty cold in that college town in the middle of one hundred miles of farmland surrounding. It was oddly comforting to stay indoors, sitting at our appointed table to draw and talk as we looked across the street at the school, and at the snow and rain and cars. Everything felt so impending and real somehow.

I started talking to Sarah very seriously about what we should do next. Because I could only see staying the course of school to be counter intuitive to everything we stood for. I was beginning to get nervous about just how much I loved going to school. It didn't seem right somehow. It wasn't the cool life I had invisioned. It didn't seem very punk to stay in class and get an education. Furthermore, I was so behind on credits, I would have been in my twenties in order to pass – and that would be if I passed every single class. I was grateful at having learned so much, and wasn't about to rebel for the sake of it anymore. In fact, I was quite embarrassed for my first days in class of announcing stuff about The New World Order and the Freemasons and not knowing what I was saying or making any sense at all. I actually cared about what Mike thought of me. I actually cared about the truth now, and everything that came with that. But it didn't make sense for us to stay only to not graduate anyway. Sarah agreed with me, or at least seemed to. We agreed we would stay the rest of the year, and then we would get jobs, and start getting the equipment we needed and start practicing everyday like our lives depended upon it.

So, probably in an attempt to get a reaction from Mike, I started intentionally talking to Sarah about it in front of Mike one morning as he was getting his lessons in order for class that day. He was disappointed to hear about it. I could tell he didn't want to outright dismiss my dreams of angsty youthful instant success. But he wanted to do everything in his power to stop it from happening. To Mike, a college education was everything. Subtly, I think Mike looked down at people without degrees – which probably wasn't right, though I can see where he was coming from. I think he felt his goal in life was to get people with problems and in hopeless and lower class economic status to go to college and maybe to fight back against oppression and war. Mike was very much an idealist, and his realism was more of a defense mechanism against not getting his hopes too high. I don't remember the arguments I made exactly. I wasn't rude exactly, but I wasn't exactly diplomatic about it either. Mike ended up telling Jenni, who also talked to us. I can imagine it now, the conversation they had about Sarah and I in their ride home from work together. Mike and Jenni always felt that Sarah and I weren't good for one another. Maybe in some odd way they had a point – especially back then, but on that note I still have to say fuck them on that one ( a friendly fuck you, not an aggressive one). Not that they were ever mean about it. But they said and did some things that gave me a strong indication of what they thought on that note. Our dynamics were probably very unhealthy. Jenni didn't trust Sarah. She was friendly towards Sarah, she liked Sarah. But she thought that there was something about the dynamics of the situation that Sarah was feeding off of. And maybe my emotional issues were more understandable given I had a - I won't say abusive per say, because there was good in the bad, but a traumatic life thus far and might have been struggling against life more than Sarah was. Sarah was avoiding any sense of anger or responsibility and almost felt more important if people were mad at her – though it also stressed her out and made her feel horrible about herself. She just liked living in her room and daydreaming – though I think it is unfair to say that Sarah's problems didn't matter or exist. She had every reason to respond to her life the way she did as well.

Honestly, I wish I could have seen what they were seeing at the time, but being that I was the subject of study, I couldn't exactly ever know for certain. It would have been interesting. And I think Mike felt that I was more at fault than Sarah. One thing is for certain, Sarah and I had somehow developed a very unhealthy and codependent friendship, when I felt low about myself, suddenly the whole world became black and white and I felt betrayed and angry at Sarah, and then the next day I felt like our friendship was some kind of blessing and I felt very happy to be her friend and could not imagine what had caused me to be angry. And then I would go the other way. I was living in a split reality. I could not figure out why. My perceptions seemed amazingly clear and what I had to say made sense the same as when I was upset as when I was not. But I was getting crazier and crazier mad. We would come home, and Sarah and I would both be sobbing until we were too tired to think, and though we were both responsible for this madness, I was probably more at fault than she was. I had desperate insecurities and needs. Sarah had those too, but she didn't seem to know or want to do anything about it. So I was the one that acted out – probably due to childhood stuff that made me who I am.

After Jenni and Mike could not convince Sarah and I to stay in school, after getting called to the office to talk about it, I pretty much told them both it was a done deal. I asked Jenni not to tell our parents. I didn't really want to cause problems at home with my father or Sarah's mom just yet. We didn't want to be afraid to go home because of it. And it wasn't fair or wise to say anything to Sarah's mom or my father until we had a more realistic plan. Jenni agreed that she wouldn't call our parents on it, but come that weekend, Jenni had called Sarah's mom and raised her concerns. She didn't call my dad. Carol was not happy with Sarah. There was a chewing out of sorts. And I think this must have triggered me to feel betrayed completely. It reminded me of when the school had called my father, or when the teachers almost expected and wanted me to go to school with a black eye. I had gotten to the point where I felt safe with Mike and Jenni and now it was completely ruined and I could no longer trust them. I felt stupid for having ever trusted them to keep our secret. I was in a way – annoyed that they called Sarah's mom and not my father as well. Sarah and I talked about it as we drove to Moscow, and I was still heated up about it when I got into class. At some point in my conversation with Sarah, I called Jenni a liar. Mike overheard me talking, and he stepped in really pissed off about it. He told me not to call his wife a liar. He was actually angry. He wasn't about to lose his mind or anything, but I think it gave him the shakes. He really seemed to feel I was attacking Jenni on very personal ground. I don't think I said much about it because Mike's immediate reaction was offputting and intimidating, but I tried to point out that she had lied and it had messed with our lives outside of school (though it really hadn't messed things up for me actually – I was exaggerating because I was actually offended by the principle of the matter more than anything).

I think after this, Mike didn't like me. It was really quite that simple, and even though I held up my head as much as I could on it, it really hurt my feelings. In his mind, I had spit on the flower of a soul that was his beautiful wife, and with all the other awkward inconsistencies in my personality, the flawed need I had to argue, and just my overall everyday state of mind, he had had enough of me. He tried not to show it, but he seemed irritated by me in subtle ways. I suppose I don't blame him. I couldn't stand me either. He attempted to talk to me fairly even with the animosity, and some days were better than others, and we still engaged in conversation from time to time. But on a personal note, he didn't like me talking about friendly none school topics with him anymore – he would find subtle ways to snub me in that way. It felt like a wall was up against me. I didn't feel betrayed, I felt exiled. I became a little nervous about asking for help – as I have a famous issue for avoiding asking for help when I need it anyway and the slight bit of aggression towards me will certainly cause me to take a million steps back. The only time I felt safe to do so was when I was so deeply into my studies that I couldn't care about who I was or Mike was – all that mattered was reaching a core message with what I was trying to express. I would get zoned and ask for help on something without caring during those times - so I still was asking for help, but it still was never easy. And I am not going to lie, thinking about that cold reaction of someone I had grown to trust suddenly becoming a wall still hurts a little bit. I guess it must have hurt his feelings. Being a teacher the way Mike was could not have been easy. I suppose I must have been impossible.

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neuxue · 7 years

Text

Wheel of Time liveblogging: The Gathering Storm ch 8

Siuan reminisces, Egwene Amyrlins, and ACTUAL COMMUNICATION.

Chapter 8: Clean Shirts

Haven’t seen that chapter icon in a while.

Siuan now – there’s been a lot of quick POV shifting in this book so far. I suppose it’s been mostly centred on Rand and Egwene – and their various affiliates – these past several chapters, but it definitely lends a feeling of a quicker pace. Which works, given where we are in the series.

No sailor would miss [those clouds]. Not dark enough to promise a storm, not light enough to imply smooth waters either.

A sky like that was ambiguous.

The whole world balanced on the edge of a knife, with little to tell right now which way it will eventually fall. Rand himself barely balanced between Light and something very like Shadow. A world uncertain, moving towards the ending.

What, you thought I was going to ignore Portentious Atmospheric Details?

HA. IT GETS BETTER.

On a day like this, however, when there were gloomy clouds but no proof of storms, the dockmasters would charge a full day’s rent. And so the fisher had to make a choice. Stay in the harbour and wait, or go fishing to recoup the dock fees.

A fisher. Or should I say a Fisher. This delights me.

She doubted many fishers had chosen to go out this day.

Well I can think of one probable capitalised exception…

Lelaine has no time for symbolically important discussions of the sky.

Siuan could still sense shock in some of the Aes Sedai she passed. Egwene was to have been carefully controlled. What had gone wrong?

Egwene. That’s what went wrong. You Aes Sedai all thought you had a prayer of controlling Egwene in the first place, failing to realise that this is the girl who took one look at someone else’s Call To Adventure and said ‘mine now’. And that was just her starting point.

Siuan would have taken more smug delight from those looks if she hadn’t herself worried about Egwene’s continued captivity in the White Tower. That was a lionfish’s veil indeed. Potential for great success, but also great disaster.

Yes, well, that describes approximately every single situation in the plot as things stand, so. I’m sure it’ll all be fine. What could possibly go wrong? Aside from everything?

Lelaine and Romanda are still doing their thing, though things seem to be shifting slightly in favour of Lelaine at the moment. Okay.

I’m a bit ambivalent about this particular conflict at this point. On the one hand, it’s probably more realistic for it to continue, especially given Egwene’s absence and the sense of uncertainty that brings. On the other hand, I find it hard to actually care about it, because Egwene’s arc has moved past this, and so this ends up feeling a bit stale. But then, just because her story is no longer just with the rebels, that doesn’t mean the rebels should magically have all their problems solved; that would make it too easy. So it works, I just don’t really care. Ah well.

When she’d first been Healed, her reduced power had been a disappointment. But that was changing. Yes, it was infuriating to be beneath so many, to lack respect from those around her. However, because she was weaker in power, many seemed to assume she was weaker in political skill as well! Could people really forget so quickly? She was finding her new status among the Aes Sedai to be liberating.

That’s an incredibly mature and sanguine way of looking at it. And the fact that this doesn’t even scan as self-deception is truly impressive. There are indeed advantages to her new situation, especially for one with her political acumen combined with a prominent past and a present need for discretion, but to truly understand and embrace that – especially without then giving up the advantage it conveys – takes a special kind of resilience.

So Siuan’s sent Lelaine off on some pointless political trail of distraction, mostly by mentioning Romanda. You would think that if your goal were to become the political leader of a group known for their politicking and manipulation, you’d at least try to hide what can be used to manipulate you. Romanda and Lelaine are so perfectly unsubtle and they fall for this shit every time. It would be fine as a front, maybe, but it isn’t even a front. They’re really that easily led.

The Amyrlin needed to hurry up and finish with her plotting in the White Tower. What good would it do to undermine Elaida if the Aes Sedai outside crumbled while Egwene wasn’t watching?

It’s a fair question, and does highlight the complexity and delicate balance of Egwene’s entire situation. She won the rebels and brought them this far, and she’s winning her strange not-quite-war in the Tower, but she can’t forget one while she deals with the other. That’s rather the point, isn’t it? The Aes Sedai need to be unified; the Tower needs to be whole. Otherwise something is always going to be falling apart.

Either Lelaine is teasing Siuan about having a crush on Gareth Bryne, or she is actually that oblivious.

And Siuan is definitely not going to let Lelaine pay off Siuan’s debt to Bryne. Because reasons.

That would just move her debt from Bryne to Lelaine. The Aes Sedai would collect it in far more subtle ways, but each coin would end up being paid one way or another, if only through demands of loyalty.

Okay that is definitely a valid reason.

Lelaine is indeed actually that oblivious. How has she risen this far?

Siuan gets a ride on the back of a turnip wagon, which makes this the second time in this series that Aes Sedai have ridden with vegetables. The cabbage merchant from Avatar is probably sweating nervously somewhere.

Secrets, those powerful, dominating secrets. They had become her life. No love save for youthful dalliances.

So Moiraine was just a ‘youthful dalliance’? I think not.

No time for entanglements, or much room for friendships.

I suppose she could be putting Moiraine in the ‘frienships’ category here, which…okay. In a general sense, I have no problems with that. Nor will I ever, under any circumstances, try to argue that friendship is in any way less meaningful or important than romantic love.

And very likely, Moiraine wasn’t intended to be specifically implied by ‘youthful dalliances’, or even by ‘friendships’; they were close friends and they loved each other, but they both chose the Blue Ajah and they both knew what dedicating themselves to this cause would mean: they would have to put it above everything, including their own personal wishes or relationships.

So, fine, it’s not a direct slight and I’m not trying to go out of my way to find things to be indignant about. But my issue here is more that…it’s as if the relationship Siuan and Moiraine shared in their younger years is forgotten by the narrative itself. Because either Moiraine was indeed a ‘youthful dalliance’ – thus implying that ‘girlhood things should be left behind with girlhood’ as Tarna put it – or Siuan’s relationship with Moiraine is so insignificant that it doesn’t warrant a mention at all. There’s a sense of oversight there, and it bothers me a bit.

On its own, it might not stand out as much of an issue. However, there’s a pattern here of including but then almost simultaneously dismissing love between women. This isn’t even a particularly egregious example, but it becomes frustrating when mixed in with the tendency to treat ‘pillow friendships’ as a kind of youthful phase that all but the evil ones grow out of.

No series is perfect, and you can’t have everything, and I’m sure Jordan and Sanderson had good intentions – or at least, did not have bad intentions – with regards to this sort of thing. But the execution falls short for me sometimes.

She’d focused only one one thing: finding the Dragon Reborn. Helping him, guiding him, hopefully controlling him.

Moiraine had died following that same quest, but at least she had been able to go out and see the world. Siuan had grown old – in spirit, if not in body – cooped up in the Tower, pulling her strings and nudging the world. She’d done some good. Time would tell if those efforts had been enough.

She didn’t regret her life. Yet, at this moment, passing army tents […] she envied Moiraine. How often had Siuan bothered to look out of her window toward the beautiful green landscape, before it all had started going sickly? She and Moiraine had fought so hard to save this world, but they had left themselves without anything to enjoy in it.

Having said all of that, I absolutely love this bit here. I do really love the way the friendship aspect of Moiraine and Siuan’s relationship is presented. They are bound so closely by love and a shared goal, but one of those has had to take precedence. They loved each other before prophecy took over their lives, but their shared secret and their determination and devotion forced them down different paths.

And yet, from both their perspectives there has always been a strong, if understated and often bittersweet, sense of the friendship that underlies this shared quest. They never came to resent or hate one another, and they both kept firmly to their aim, and accepted the rest as it came. It didn’t destroy their friendship because they both accepted that the quest would have to come first. And so when it did come first, and when it did separate them, and when it did – at least as far as each of them knows – kill the other one, they understood that, too. It’s a strange kind of mutual trust and understanding upon which to build a somewhat strange relationship, but there is something rather beautiful about that.

And Siuan’s musings here are really lovely, in that same kind of bittersweet and nostalgic way. Take what you want, and pay for it. She and Moiraine have both lived by that. Siuan has no regrets, because this life is the consequence of the task she accepted. And she may envy Moiraine, but even now she does not resent her.

The last line especially is beautiful. I really, really hope Siuan and Moiraine both survive what is to come, and reunite at least once to share in the completion of their decades-long task. Even if they then go their separate ways – because that is how it has always been for them, and somehow it works.

Or they could just decide fuck it, let’s retire early and go on a roadtrip full of pranks and mischief to see the world we’ve helped win for ourselves. That would also be acceptable.

Siuan the Amyrlin hadn’t had any time for entanglements, but what of Siuan the attendant? […] Was there, perhaps, room in her life for a few more changes?

The wagon reached the far side of the army camp, and she shook her head at her own foolishness as she hopped down, then nodded her thanks to the wagon driver. Was she a girl, barely old enough for her first full-day blackfish trawl? There was no use in thinking of Bryne that way. At least not right now. There was too much to do.

So I’m quoting this mainly for the last part, because my usual line when complaining about characters getting caught up in romantic subplots is ‘stop cheating on your plotline!’

Which is to say, I appreciate Siuan’s priorities here. Even though I’m probably supposed to roll my eyes and tell her to just live a little, the world is ending after all.

Though I don’t particularly mind the thing between Siuan and Bryne; it’s relatively unobtrusive and doesn’t interfere too much with the plot or either character’s competence.

And by ‘thing’ I mean…utter failure at flirting and an ongoing low-level prank war.

“I have to say, Siuan, that I’m surprised. I had assumed that an Aes Sedai would know little of work such as this, but rarely have my uniforms known such a perfect combination of stiffness and comfort. You are to be commended.”

Siuan turned away from him, hiding her blush. Fool man! She had caused kings to kneel before her! She manipulated the Aes Sedai and planned for the deliverance of mankind itself! And he complimented her on her laundering skills?

The thing was, from Bryne, that was an honest and meaningful compliment. He didn’t look down on washwomen, or runner boys. He treated all with equity. A person didn’t gain stature in Gareth Bryne’s eyes by being a king or queen; one gained stature by keeping to one’s oaths and doing one’s duty. To him, a compliment on laundry well done was as meaningful as a medal awarded to a soldier who had stood his ground before the enemy.

It took rather a lot of explanation and narrative enforcement to make that work, but I think it does work in the end. It certainly fits with what has been established about Bryne’s character. He doesn’t give a single shit about where someone is supposed to rank; he cares about character and competence. He gave the army to Egwene when most Aes Sedai still thought she would be little more than a puppet, because he could see in her something worth serving.

So…yeah, it’s a bit of an insulting compliment, from a certain perspective. Siuan’s indignation is not entirely out of place, and I like that it’s acknowledged. But I also like that she understands Bryne enough to know that it is actually a meaningful compliment – and also that he clearly understands her well enough to know that she would be able to take it as such.

Ah, and now we’re back to the question of why Siuan broke – or truth-twisted her way out of – that oath in the first place.

“So you claim I’m a liar?” she demanded.

“No,” he said. “Just an oathbreaker.”

Ouch. Point to Bryne.

“That question drove me here, you know,” he said. “It’s why I hunted you all that way. It’s why I finally swore to these rebel Aes Sedai, though I had little wish to be pulled into yet another war at Tar Valon. I did it all because I needed to understand. I had to know. Why? Why did the woman with those eyes – those passionate, haunting eyes – break her oath?”

That’s…a surprising amount of openness and honesty, and I rather like it. Especially because Siuan has been wondering for so long why he did follow her, and why he stayed. And she toyed with the idea that it might be because of her, but then discarded it as a silly fancy, but now thanks to the wonders of this new invention called communication, she knows that really is a large part of the reason. So credit to Bryne for deciding to just…tell her.

“Another excuse,” he said softly. “Another answer from an Aes Sedai. Will I ever have the truth from you, Siuan Sanche? Has anyone ever had it?” He signed, and she heard papers rustle, the candle’s light flickering in the faint stir of his movements as he turned back to his reports.

“When I was still an Accepted in the White Tower,” Siuan said softly, “I was one of four people present when a Foretelling announced the imminent birth of the Dragon Reborn on the slopes of Dragonmount.”

His rustling froze.

Yes. Honesty begets honesty; it’s not the first time that has proven true in this series. Bryne finally gives her an unguarded truth…and so she finally gives him this. And it’s no small truth. This is the foundation of most of her adult life, and it’s been a secret and a burden for so long, because she has so long had to work within a system of secrets and shades of truth, all the while carrying something of this gravity.

Very, very few have ever had the truth from her. Moiraine. Rand, arguably, in TGH, though even then it was given somewhat as manipulation. And Bryne’s reaction here shows that he knows just how closely-kept a secret this has been. That he knows just how much of the truth she is actually surrendering to him, here.

I always love moments like this, when a character finally faces another and tells them everything. When done well, it grants a particular and very satisfying sense of catharsis – especially when the reader knows the secret, but has watched the character carry it so long in silence, never able to truly explain themselves, and often suffering for it.

It’s a great moment of honest, open communication, on both sides. That’s a rare thing in this series, but the payoff is almost always worth it; the moments where characters finally do communicate are often beautiful and fitting and genuinely effective.

I think this is a large part of what makes the whole Wheel Of Absolutely No Communication thing work, at least for me. It’s frustrating as hell sometimes, sure, and there are definitely moments where I want to just bash characters’ heads together and tell them to JUST FUCKING TALK TO EACH OTHER FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS SACRED.

But, while characters frequently and spectacularly fail at doing exactly that, moments of genuine honesty don’t tend to result in further misunderstanding. When characters do finally open up to each other, it is almost always rewarded.

Where some authors lose me is when they bend over backwards to prevent those moments from ever happening at all, or else let them happen and then force the miscommunication or misunderstanding to persist anyway. Instead of feeling realistic, it almost always ends up feeling contrived. WoT toes that line sometimes, but the payoffs make it work for me.

So we get a quick recap of New Spring, because Bryne clearly hasn’t read it yet.

“There was only one other person I knew I could trust, and she is now dead.”

And neither Siuan nor Moiraine could really afford to grieve, when they thought the other to be dead. They knew it could come to this, but…it’s such a loss, for both of them. Please let them at least find out that the other is alive.

“You blame me for the loss of a barn and some cows. Well, then I suggest that you consider the cost to your people should the Dragon Reborn fail. Sometimes, prices must be paid so that a more important duty can be served. I would expect a soldier to understand that. […] Should I have spared even a moment when the entire world was wearing the hangman’s noose?”

She held those eyes, demanding an answer.

“No,” he finally admitted. “Burn me, Siuan, but no. You shouldn’t have waited.”

And he offers to hold her oath fulfilled. She refuses, of course, but this is what I mean by payoff. They have each been entirely truthful with each other at last, and instead of answering in the negative here, or refusing to understand, he accepts her explanation. And she doesn’t question his. There is a reward for honesty.

Now they’re back to incompetent flirting, but progress has been made. They trust each other now, and that’s no small thing. Oh, they trusted each other before, but more in the sense that they each believed the other to be a decent person. Now they both know something close to the full truth, and they each revealed it willingly, and the very act of doing so – each one knowing how much it means for the other to speak that openly – has forged a much stronger bond of genuine trust. They’re together in this, now. Even if they can’t sort out other definitions of ‘together’.

When other oaths no longer have a hold on me, she thought. When I’m certain the Dragon Reborn is doing what he is supposed to, perhaps there will be time. For once, I’m actually starting to look forward to being done with this quest. How remarkable.

…Okay, and with that line, I am now far more worried about her survival than I was a few minutes ago. I’ve gone back and forth on whether or not I think Siuan will make it; I could see it working both ways.

Bryne has worked out her Tel’aran’rhiod schedule, and possibly the general notion of Tel’aran’rhiod itself. Of course he has.

She’d have to do something to get back at him. Mice in the bedsheets.

Ha. Oh, Siuan, you are incorrigible. Nice throwback there, to a prank she and Moiraine planned back in their Accepted days, given how that time has been on Siuan’s mind this chapter.

“A sword, Siuan?” Egwene’s voice suddenly asked. “That’s novel.” Siuan looked down, shocked to find herself holding a bloody sword, likely intended for Elaida’s heart.

Things I didn’t know I needed: Siuan Sanche with a sword. Is there fanart? Please let there be fanart.

Egwene was getting very good at the calm serenity of an Aes Sedai. In fact, she seemed to have grown measurably better at that since her capture.

Well, she’s had a lot of practice. And more than that…it’s not a brittle mask of serenity on her. It’s true serenity, an outward reflection of inward calm purpose and understanding. She’s not trying to make herself harder in order to face pain, or make herself seem stronger in order to appear commanding. Instead, she has come to understand, and with that has come a strength that is unforced.

She showed more of herself around Siuan than she did the others. They both knew how heavily Egwene had relied on Siuan’s teaching to get where she was.

Though she’d probably have made it there anyway, Siuan admitted. Just not quite as quickly.

Siuan and Moiraine dedicated themselves to the task of finding and guiding the Dragon Reborn. But they – Siuan especially – have arguably been more successful at finding and guiding Egwene.

That’s not to say they failed in their task; Moiraine did find Rand and has been a lasting influence on him, especially once she realised that she needed to approach things differently. Meanwhile Siuan is no longer Amyrlin and has not seen the Dragon Reborn in over a year, but she has been instrumental in helping Egwene become a true Amyrlin. Which will, I have no doubt, end up being a critical step in ensuring the world’s survival. Without Egwene as Amyrlin, I struggle to see how Rand and the White Tower would reconcile to the point where they could approach the Last Battle as allies. With Egwene, it will undoubtedly be difficult, but their once-friendship might just be enough.

So Moiraine and Siuan have both ended up following the task they swore themselves to, but – like so many other things in this series – not quite in the way they planned. And I like that they both played a role in guiding Egwene, as well as Rand, given all the other parallels and inversions between the two. It’s nice symmetry, both of Moiraine and Siuan and of Egwene and Rand.

Egwene decides she doesn’t want to spend a moment longer than necessary in the study of the Mistress of Novices. Shocking.

“One of the Forsaken was in our camp,” Siuan said. She hadn’t wanted to think about that too frequently. The knowledge made her skin crawl.

“Is anyone dead?” Egwene asked, voice calm though her eyes looked to be steel.

It’s nice to get an outsider POV of Egwene during this part of her arc. So much of it has been told through her own eyes, and it’s all kinds of fantastic, and it’s definitely important to see it from her perspective because a lot of it is about her own understanding and growth. But I always love seeing what characters look like to others, and seeing Egwene through Siuan’s eyes here helps to emphasise what has changed outwardly, and how very like a true Amyrlin Egwene looks to those around her.

Even when Siuan says it was probably Halima, wielding saidin, Egwene barely reacts visibly. No doubt this is a shock to her, but she lets almost none of it show. Because what good would that do? She can’t go back and suspect Halima, she can’t save those who were killed, and letting herself be thrown by this won’t help anything. So she takes it calmly, and focuses on what she can do. And on what needs to be done.

“Mother, it appears some of the men who follow al’Thor have bonded Aes Sedai.”

Egwene blinked a single time. “Yes. I had heard rumours of this. I had hoped that they were exaggerated. Did this Asha’man say who gave Rand permission to commit such an atrocity?”

“He’s the Dragon Reborn,” Siuan said, grimacing. “I don’t think he feels he needs permission. But, in his defence, it appears he didn’t know it was happening. The women his men bonded were sent by Elaida to destroy the Black Tower.”

“Yes.” Egwene finally showed a sliver of emotion. “So the rumours are accurate. All too accurate. […] “We shall have to deal with the Dragon’s foolishness at a later date. Perhaps his men acted without his direct orders, but Rand must take responsibility. Men. Bonding women!”

I can’t entirely agree with Egwene here. I can see where she’s coming from, because she is Amyrlin and Aes Sedai, and while Siuan can give her some context for what has happened, neither of them knows all of it. But…while the forced bonding of Aes Sedai is hard to call a good thing, it really was probably the best of several bad options. And the notion that women should be able to bond men but not the other way around is kind of absurd – at least, if it is accepted that saidin has been cleansed.

As for Rand taking responsibility…that’s a difficult one. On the one hand, he had no idea any of this was happening, and it wasn’t on his orders, and he was far from happy about it when he found out. On the other hand, he himself thinks of the Asha’man as his creation, his responsibility. It’s a tricky one because he thinks of them that way when he needs or wants to, but he also has all but ignored the Black Tower since putting Taim in charge of it. He keeps trying to have it both ways, and it keeps coming back to bite him.

That said, the offer of recompense kind of is his way of taking responsibility. Or at least of trying to offer as close to a solution as possible. The whole situation is a mess, and there have been several points at which there really are no good options.

It’s also interesting to see how Egwene thinks of Rand versus how she thinks of the Dragon Reborn. Here, he takes the latter role in her mind, because it does come down to issues of command and responsibility. Rand has had similar thoughts about Egwene when thinking of her as Amyrlin and Aes Sedai. It’s not fair, perhaps, but their roles are larger than they are, and they have both had to accept and deal with that. Egwene is Amyrlin, thinking about the Dragon Reborn. As simply Egwene, she has been angry with Elaida for hurting Rand. It comes back to individuals versus roles, and how that can shape what they must do and think. How she can be angry with the Dragon Reborn but still care about the boy from Emond’s Field. It is, I think, similar for Rand. As Dragon Reborn he can be angry with or suspicious of the Amyrlin, but still care about Egwene. Though at the moment he’s not letting himself care about much of anything, so that complicates things a bit.

“They claim saidin is cleansed,” Siuan said.

Egwene raised an eyebrow, but did not object. “Yes,” she said, “I suppose that might be a reasonable possibility. We will need further confirmation, of course. But the taint arrived when all seemed won; why should it not leave when all seems to be approaching pure madness?”

That might be the best reaction I’ve seen to the cleansing yet, from anyone but a male channeller. She doesn’t reject the idea outright, or go on about how it’s impossible. She’s rather willing to accept it, and just asks for further confirmation. Which is not an unreasonable request; she hasn’t linked with an Asha’man, or even been told that anyone else has. But I think she would accept some of that as confirmation, where others reject all proof that is offered in favour of saying it’s impossible. Egwene isn’t doing that. And I rather love that last thought – it’s kind of a perfect way of looking at things, isn’t it? Parallels and inversions. A victory for the Shadow at what should have been the Light’s greatest triumph, and a true victory for the Light as all else darkens.

Siuan wants Egwene to come back and look after the Hall, Egwene says she has work to do here and Siuan can do fine on her own. Which, so far, has been the case. So credit where it’s due for delegating, but at some poing she is going to need to move to reunite them.

“Do your best,” Egwene said. “But don’t worry if Lelaine refuses to be diverted.”

Siuan frowned. “But she’s usurping your place!”

“By building upon it,” Egwene said, smiling. […] “Lelaine’s gambit will only succeed if I fail to return. She is using me as a source of authority. When I return, she’ll have no choice but to accept my leadership. She’ll have spent all of her effort building me up.”

“And if you don’t return, Mother?” Siuan asked softly.

“Then it will be better for the Aes Sedai to have a strong leader,” Egwene said. “If Lelaine has been the one to secure that strength, then so be it.”

Clever. And I like how Egwene points out the win-win nature of this situation. She’s not in this for herself – being Amyrlin isn’t some kind of power-trip. She doesn’t lack ambition, and she’s made use of it to get where she is, certainly. And she needed to. But her efforts now are wholly dedicated not to herself but to the White Tower. She is Amyrlin because Elaida is incompetent, and this is the best way Egwene sees to heal the Tower and see it to Tarmon Gai’don. But she will not put herself before the Tower; if she loses, or if for whatever reason she ends up unable to do what she needs to do, she can accept that another may need to take her place. She won’t destroy the Tower to keep her position. Which is a a large part of what sets her apart from Elaida.

“I’m actually learning to deal with my…new situation. It’s not so difficult to stomach, now that I see that it has some advantages.”

Egwene frowned, as if trying to figure out what advantages there could be in lessened power.

That’s very likely more than an abstract thought; Egwene is, after all, spending all her time dosed on forkroot and barely able to channel.

“Elayne once mentioned a room to me in the Tower, filled with objects of power. I assume it really exists?”

“Of course,” Siuan said. “The basement storeroom. It’s in the second level of the basement, on the northeast side. Little room with a plain wooden door, but you can’t miss it.”

OH HELL YES BRING OUT THE ANGREAL LET’S LEVEL THIS UP.

I mean. Um. Yes, good, thank you for that advice, Siuan, I’m sure it will come in handy.

“If there was a Forsaken in our camp, I’d bet half my father’s inn that there’s one spying on the White Tower too.”

Please let Egwene take out at least one of the Forsaken. She deserves it.

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#characters being honest with each other what do i do with this #Wheel of Time #neuxue liveblogs WoT #The Gathering Storm

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