#posts that invaded my brain and would not leave without me hitting that post now button

[tommybowefuneralattendee]

she nin on my ten til i dogs

[nyxerebus]

Not Him (Negan X Grimes!Reader)

A/N: I have a other Negan x Grimes reader series, but this is NOT a apart of that series, just a one shot i wrote :) You can read part 1 of that series here: I'm Her Daddy Now

TW: Gore, Make out, Blood, Angst

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Her back was pressed to the RV. The Saviours had started to force the people from Alexandria to kneel in front of it in a half circle. They hadn't noticed her yet. Would they recognize her? She had changed a lot since the last time she saw her dad and younger brother. Her hair was longer and darker, and her scarf was covering half her mouth and nose. She had started to look more and more like her father though, the famous Grimes stare would stare back at her in the mirror every morning. A cruel reminder of the family she had lost. The family she thought she had lost, until she saw them in front of her now.

Her eyes wouldn't leave her baby brother, how much he had grown! He was not the scared 11 year old she got separated from all those years ago, now he was a tough young man. And by the looks of his eye situation, it had been a long and rough journey since they last saw each other.

“Are we pissing our pants yet?” She rolled her eyes at Negans extravagant entrance. He was always like this, so much. “Boy do I have a feeling we're getting close”

She had been with The Saviours the past two years, been with Negan for one. She wasn't a wife, she was more than that. She was his girl, his right hand woman. By the look of how her father was staring at Negan, telling him about their relationship would be a tough talk. But nonetheless she looked forward to talking with him, to be able to be a family with them. She prayed they would forgive her for being on The Saviours side. Considering what was about to happen. This wasn't the first ‘punishment’ she had been a part of. She knew what was going to happen. She droned out when Negan went on with his speech about how they needed punishment, and how he owned them now. It wasn't until he was deciding who to kill that she focused on the conversation.

“eenie ... meenie ... miney ... mo '' Her blood ran cold when Lucille landed in front of her younger brother. “No!” She heard her father exclaim. “Shit, man. I’m usually not happy about child murdering, but Lucille is a thirsty woman!” He raised the bat. Her body acted before her brain could tell it no. She took long strides and placed herself protective in front of Carl, shielding his body from Lucille.

“Not him” She hissed out. Negan was taken back, usually (Y/N) wouldn't have trouble when he had to punish new communities. “The hell you saying?”

“Not. Him” She glared at him, she would rather die than let anything happen to her brother. Negan leaned down so only she could hear what he was saying. “You know him?”

“He's my brother,” she whispered. Negan took a step back and rubbed his beard. “You know I have to punish them” He gave her a stern look. “You want to kill him? You have to go through me. Take somebody else”.

“Listen folks” He was addressing his men. “Now some new information has occurred and it looks like my girl here knows this boy. Now I am a gentleman” His famous smirke etched its way to his face. “You all know I can't say no to my girl, but my other girl demands some punishment for their actions. Now I want to please both my girls at the same time. So, we spare the boy, but my girl has to choose who will take his place AND finish the job” He held out the end of Lucille to her, while the men in the back murmured in agreement and some even cheered her on.

She grabbed Lucille. “Go get em BabyGirl”. She turned around and faced Carl. He was crying now. She tried to give him a reassuring smile, but it didn't seem as if it helped. Her eyes danced between the group that was kneeling. Her eyes landed on the large redhead, he pushed up his chest, as if he presented himself as a sacrifice. She walked over and stood in front of him. The dark skinned girl next to him cried out when she realized what was about to happen. (Y/N) was standing in front of him and leaned in, whispering so only he could hear. “I’m sorry”

“Don't worry, if it saves the boy. I’ll gladly take it” She raised the bat. and with all her might swung it down. The sound of the cracking of a skull was a sound all too familiar to her, but she had never heard it when she was the cause. it almost made her stop. But she couldn't stop. She took swing after swing. Knowing how Negan wanted him to end up, to end up in a mess of blood and brain goo. Blood splattered everywhere, and she had to fight back her dinner making its way up when she saw his skin tear and expose his brain. The bat felt heavier and heavier after each blow down onto the man's head. Christ, she didn't even know the name of whom she was killing. Cries and cheers filled the silent night. When she heard the splattering sound of the bat hitting the brain goo, she stopped. She turned around to face Negan, avoiding her family's gaze.

“Look at my dirty girls!” He exclaimed, and pulled her towards him, her back pressing against his chest. Blood had splattered on her face and upper body, but Negan didn't care. He never cared about blood getting in the way. He grabbed Lucille from her and turned her head sideways, so he could whisper into her ear: “Good Girl”

“(Y/N), I, what-” Rick was trying to speak, the shock of the situation still not leaving him. “I have to say, seeing my girls work together like this, just warms my heart-” He squeezed her closer; “and tickles my balls” He grinned at his men, who mostly chuckled at his crude words. “You can go to him” He whispered and realised his grip on her. She was about to walk away, but was stopped when he grabbed her arm. “Wait” He pulled her back so they were chest against chest. “Give me a kiss first” She just rolled her eyes, knowing he wanted to rub it in Rick's face that his daughter was with them, with Negan. Standing on her toes, she reached up and kissed him, she was going for a simple peck. But he tightened his grip around her and deepened the kiss. His tongue invaded her mouth and she had to bite back a moan. When he pulled back a string of saliva was still connected between them God, how he loved the look on her face. Covered in blood, with a post makeout haze still in her eyes. He laughed out and realised her. And without being pulled back, she walked over to Carl and kneeled down in front of him.

“Hey” She whispered out, he stared back at her with a dirty glare. But tears of seeing his sister for the first time after thinking she was dead was pressing on. But then one of the guys in the line up jumped up and punched Negan in the face. You gasped and were about to stand up. But Negans men handled it and held him down. “No, nope. Put him back”

She knew what was going to happen, Negan was going to kill one more. She wouldn't let Carl see that, see it again. “Don't look” She pulled him closer so his face was pressed against her chest, face turned the opposite direction of the group. Carl was fighting back, but gave up after his sobs got the best of him. He wrapped his arms around her waist and cried into her chest. “Shhh”. The sounds of someone else getting beaten and the all too familiar cries filled the air once again. “No!”

“Its going to be okay” She tried to comfort him, “I won't let them hurt you” His sobs got louder when he heard the stuttering of the man who was being beaten; “Maggie I will find you”. He whispered the name of the dead man into her chest. “Glenn” Negan speaking and the cries of the group became just background noise. All she cared and focused on was her brother. She rubbed his head and back, trying to lull him into a calmer state. But she was pulled from her work on comforting her brother when Negan grabbed Rick and pulled him away. “No!” Carl shouted, sitting straight up and separated from her. (Y/N) held Carl back from punching up and attacking Negan. Negan sent (Y/N) a small nod, which she returned with her own nod. They were telling each other without words:

‘I can't promise he wont die’

‘As long as Carl lives, I don't care’

“Calm down Carl!” She held her back. He started to cry again, the fear of losing her father taking its hold on him. (Y/N) wiped his tears, bur cringed when some blood from her fingers stained his cheek. “Come here” He fell into her arms again. She didn't know what to do. She hoped Negan saved her father, but her father was a grown man. Her primary mission now was to secure her brother. And she would be damned if she didn't succeed.

[katyasrussianaccent]

you're so golden (corpse x reader)

Summary: You're a faceless youtuber that sings cover songs. What happens when a certain faceless streamer slides into your DMs after you cover one of his songs?

Author's Note: Don't hate me! This was gonna be a cute chapter but then I decided against that. Credit to @moontwinkles for the spilling scene idea. Let me know what you think!

Masterlist

The sound of your alarm wakes you from your slumber with a suddenness. Bleary-eyed, you roll over to turn it off, letting out a small sigh as your body and brain start to awaken. You’re going to meet Corpse. You’re going to meet Corpse. It bares repeating in your mind; the prospect still not quite registering.

You haven’t had the greatest sleep, your mind racing most of the night; skittish little thoughts that had you tapping your toes on the mattress in agitation as you struggled to turn them off. Sunlight streams through the cracks in your blinds, a warm glow painted in stripes on your wall. It was going to be a good day, tiredness be damned.

You get up, stretching your arms out as wide as possible and relishing in the relief as your muscles unclench themselves. There’s a little spring in your step as you walk to the bathroom, to wash your face and brush your teeth. You aren’t nervous as you pick out your favourite outfit, instead you feel excited. It’s funny how little scraps of fabric and thread can impact your mood so much, but you smile at your reflection, the feeling of confidence is nice, albeit rare.

The rumbling in your stomach signals that you need to eat something before you leave. Nothing too fancy, just some toast and a glass of juice. You can feel the nerves start to grow a little, the food sits heavy on your tongue, forcing you to swallow it. You grab your phone, scrolling as you chew. You go onto Corpse’s twitter, smiling at the picture he’s posted.

Out of curiosity, you go onto his likes. You always find his likes interesting; the random things he’s added gives you more of an insight to his thoughts and feelings. You chew the inside of your cheek as you scroll down past girls with perfect skin and bodies; your previous confidence now feels a little misplaced.

Deciding against letting it ruin your mood, you close the tab and go to grab your bag before locking your door and heading to your car. You text Rae to let her know you’re leaving and she replies almost immediately to wish you luck. Sitting in front of the steering wheel, you exhale as you start the engine and begin to drive. This was really happening. When Corpse had asked to meet, you were shocked. While you had discussed it, you had been under the assumption it would be a while before it happened. You just hope you don’t make an idiot of yourself; a tendency you had when you were nervous.

While you love the city, there’s something about driving on the open road. No noise, just the sound of tires on concrete. The scenery remains the same; nothing but trees and the occasional house far in the horizon. You’re meeting him in Santa Barbara; a place you’ve been to once in your life, so it might as well be brand new. It’s halfway between both of you, and while it’s still a few hours drive, you’ve got good music and some sunshine to keep you happy.

The drive flies in and before you know it, you’ve arrived. You’re meeting at a cafe that sells bubble tea; it was Corpse’s recommendation. It’s a charming little place, with white table and chairs on a cobbled patio area. The building itself is white brick, plant pots decorate the window sills and there’s a small crowd of people waiting in line. You turn off the engine, and grab the perfume out your bag, the smell of peaches invading your nostrils. With one last look at yourself, you exit your car and make your way to the cafe.

You’re not sure how you’ll find him, being faceless and all. A quick scan of the people around you, your eyes zero in on a figure dressed all in black, leaning against a wall that’s slightly in the shade. There’s butterflies in your stomach as you look at him from afar, your feet apparently unable to move on their own accord. He stands out amongst the brightly coloured outfits of everyone else, and you can see the sun glint against the chains on his jeans.

“Hi,” you greet, your hand going up to half-wave at him. He’s handsome; pale skin and cheekbones that disappear under the fabric of his mask. A mop of black curls are atop his head, falling out in different directions, and he brushes one off his forehead as he looks at you.

“Hey,” he replies and you smile a little. There’s a thick fog of awkwardness between you as you both take each other in, though trying not to look so obvious about it. You feel under scrutiny as his eyes move over you, and you meet his gaze before you both look down at the ground, a faint blush on your cheeks.

“How was the drive?,” you ask at the same time he does, causing you both to laugh. “Oh. Uh yeah it was good, thanks, how was yours?”

“Yeah it was good,” he replies, his eyes still on the ground.

“That’s good.”

“Yeah.”

You scream internally as your eyes dart around, looking for something, anything to break this awkwardness. It shouldn’t be like this, you have such great chemistry on the phone and online, but there’s nothing right now. Is it you? There’s a niggling in your brain that says he was fine until now; until he saw you.

“We could go, uh, into the cafe? Get some food?” he suggests, breaking you from your self deprecating thoughts. You nod and you follow him to the door. He opens it and you dodge out the way as it narrowly escapes hitting you in the face. Corpse mutters an apology as he walks in, his eyes glued to the ground.

You order together; you get yourself a boba tea and a burger and Corpse does the same. He pays without saying anything to you, and while the day’s isn’t going quite as you pictured, the gesture makes your cheeks warm. You desperately hope it gets better. Maybe you’ve misread the situation and the chemistry you felt you had was just friendship on his part. Friends flirt all the time, and it doesn’t have to mean anything.

Your food arrives and you sit in relative silence as you eat. The times you do speak is stilted, full of one word answers and obvious observations. You go to reach for your boba as Corpse goes to grab salt, and the movement of his hand plus the crampedness of the table pushes your own hand back towards you, knocking the cup all over your neck and chest. Corpse shoots up in a speed that shouldn’t be human, his hand full of napkins as he comes towards you. The liquid is cold against your skin, and you look down to see your outfit now ruined, the fabric sticking to you in wet patches.

“I’m such a fucking idiot, I’m so sorry,” Corpse says, his tone panicky as he dabs at your neck. He continues to dab, his hands pressing at the neckline of your top and if this was another time, you’d feel all fluttery at his hands on your skin. But it’s not, you’re uncomfortable and the day has sucked so far and all you want to do is go home. He discards the napkin onto the table and grabs another, his fingers warm against your collarbone as he presses the tissue. He doesn’t realise that he’s travelling downwards to your chest before he presses once, twice, before retracting his hand back like he’s been burned, the napkin falling to the floor. “Uh fuck, sorry, I didn’t realise I - “

“It’s fine,” you reassure him. “I’ve always wanted apple scented boobs, guess I can check that off my bucket list.” It’s a failed joke but humour is a defence mechanism for you, even if it’s not very funny. Corpse widens his eyes a little, his gaze fixed on the napkin that’s on the floor.

He hands you some more napkins and you clean up a little more. Your skin feels sticky, and you smell of artificial apple; but the apple isn’t sweet, it’s bitter and slightly unpleasant.

“Uh, I should probably go home and get a shower, I feel like I fell into a vat of sugar,” you say, standing up and grabbing your bag.

“Oh, yeah, I’m so fucking sorry, I’m so clumsy,” Corpse replies. You can tell he feels awful, and while you sympathise, he’s not the one that’s just had almost a full cup of boba spilled on him.

You shake your head, “It’s fine, really. I just feel really gross. Don’t worry about it.” You smile in what you hope comes across as reassurance.

“Let me walk you back to your car,” he says. You nod and walk out together in silence; something you had gotten used to throughout the day.

“Have a safe drive back,” you say as you get to your car.

“I will. Let me know when you get home?” he asks, and you nod.

“Shall do. Goodbye Corpse,” you say, opening the door and waving at him through the window. He waves back and you watch him through the rearview mirror as he disappears out of sight. You feel like an idiot for believing this was going to be good, like you ever had a chance with him. You’d been saying it since the start; that it wouldn’t work, you had nothing in common, nothing to talk about. And you were right. Sometimes you hated being right.

You turn the engine on and sit there for a second, your head pressing against the steering wheel. What a waste of time this was. Grabbing your phone, you tweet quickly.

“Oh well, let’s go wallow in self pity,” you whisper before driving off.

Taglist: @genshinglitter @fanworrior @cherry-piee @mirahg @clara-bee @clubfairy @youretheonlyonewhomakesme @more-like-reyna @boiled-onionrings @moneybagmgk @brendalopez99 @delicateavenuenacho @dreamsofficialwife @hydrate-tion @oi-itsemily @letsloveimagines @softforqiankun @evilunicorns4minions @captain-willowwitch @afuckingunicornn @theroyalbrownbarbie @buttersnitzle @officiallyunofficialperson @aha-red @frostbitelokii @butterfly-skinnylegend @sofianunes10 @ghostfacefricker6969 @alienvarmint @helena-way07 @woah2pointo @jasmine2042003 @youhyakuya @adore-holland @hyunjinhugs @finahja @lupinpetersclearwaterodairparker @only-corpse-hands @remugoodgirl @gowhiteboygo-poggers @open-minded-chip-101 @daveedfanfics @justakpopstans @majasophieanna @mxjetlagcity @strawberrydonkey @meowtella @lizzylynch1 @chesca-791 @anescapefromtheworld @unded-bride @majasophieanna @adorkably @lost--in--the--moon @euphoricseokjin

[sprinklesandshatters]

A Review on NCT 127′s 3rd Album <Sticker>

So NCT 127 just came back with their 3rd Full Album <Sticker> and this is my first 127 comeback since I became a fan last year! Neozone is such a special album for me as it was their first album that I explored entirely. I've known NCT as the group who never fails any expectations so I've kept mine up although I know they'll exceed it anyway. And guess what, they did! I absolutely love their new album hence this review~

This isn't a technical music review—as I am not a musician myself—but rather a listener's honest takes, goofy notes, and interpretation on each of the tracks in the album. I admit I've also struggled to build my own opinions on some of the tracks until I listened to them over and over again.

I have also heard there are mixed opinions on the title track <Sticker> and a lot says it's another acquired taste. But I think it's not just that, as it can be a grower, just like how most of NCT's songs were for me. Maybe after a few listens and a right passage of time, it will grow on those people. The bottom line here is, I like it a lot! 😛

So I listed down the songs according to their respective track numbers and followed each with a bulleted list of my opinions and interpretations.

(Viewer/reader discretion: before you continue, minors, do not interact as there are few 18+ contents under the cut. Thank you.)

1. Sticker

THEY DIDN'T JUST PUNCH A NEW NOTCH ON THE BELT LIKE THAT

THIS SONG SLAPS, LITERALLY SLAPS… AND WHIPS 

The recorder at the intro boyyyy I thought something was wrong but then I remember it’s NCT lmao

It already stuck in my head from my first listen from the Instagram audio.

With Taeyong opening the verse with his divine rapping, I knew I'm in for a new ride.

STICK-UH STICK-UGH STICK-UGHGHGH

To those complaining it sounding like noise music, imagine it sounding generic. I don't think it would fit as the title track. Not a b-track or in their repertoire, even. They are called NCT because they define the NEO in the music culture and music technology!

It honestly was an unorthodox, just like all of their title tracks, which I’m inherently here for.

Literally, no one does it like them!

The growls and the vocal flexes and adlibs! (You can tell it has Yoo Youngjin's brand.)

The crisp metronome sound that’s consistently ticking except for the pre-chorus and the dance break adds depth to the soundscape. I love how it’s used instead of the usual snaps.

The production quality blew my mind. Like how can someone think those melodies would sound so exquisite? CAN I CALL THEM GENIUS?

The piano at the back, oh my God—Yes! It adds this mystifying element to the song.

I'm not sure if it's a midi violin at the pre-chorus, but it added thrill to the song. It was a great transition from the bass line in the verses to the combination of the flawless harmony with the same instrumental.

"You treat me like a boy, like a grown-up child chasing a dream" JUNGWOO BABY NO MORE HUH

Taeil, Doyoung, and Haechan—the bridge vocal trinity!

But why the heck are they cowboys? I dig the concept, but why? LMAO

BTW GUNSLINGER MARK I’M ON MY KNEES YEEHAW

This is easily one of my favorite tracks from NCT 127's entire discography 💚

2. Lemonade

(⌐■_■)

Jaehyun starting off this song with his deep voice eee

The song opens to a verse oozing with chill confidence. They're like, yeah you're lurking because we’re cool.

This is such a huge slap to their haters. NCT's not chillin' like a villain, nah they're the main characters!

Well maybe they’re villains, but still ya not cooler than them ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Funny enough how they could have just referred haters as simply lemons whose sour/bitter to the taste, but 127 squad's success is sweeter than all the haters' spiteful remarks so yeah, SIPPY SIPPY LEMONADE 🧃

"WOOF"

I might have just barked too wOW

Yuta’s vocals hooooO his voice just sounds so glamorous mhmm

Also Mark referencing their previous title tracks such as: Firetruck, Cherry Bomb, and Regular (it's Irregular in the lyrics) in his rap part 👌💅

I just love Mark's energy when he raps. HE RESOLUTELY BITES AND STRAIGHT UP EATS EVERY TIME HE DOES.

3. Breakfast

Now breakfast time, oh jeez!

AAAHAHFU—

Summer 127's bestie!

If Summer 127 talks about dancing all night long, Breakfast is the morning after.

You know what it is.

"Even if I gulp and drink you, it's not enough for me." oho Taeyong no you ha—STOP

Sexual innuendos aside, isn't it just sweet if someone tells you they'd want to have breakfast with you every day?  Okay maybe I'm melting at the thought 😩🙈💞

And I can see myself dancing to this song as I make breakfast (in the afternoon or at midnight bc I’m crazy)

This was an okay b-track for me at the first skim on the album, but boy it grew on me wildly.

Honestly one of my favorite tracks in this album.

4. Focus

Did I just invade a private call? LMAO

The analog voice filters make it like so.

Dude, this feels intimate in the level of eavesdropping a phone call between seasoned lovers. Then you realize you hear them whispering their kinks over the line and you're ooh, that's sexy! hfgklhfhf

My first listen to this, I almost went feral because,

"I can't wait to eat you…" when it's actually "I can't wait 'til we chill…" aahaha

"Baby call me when you want me." OKAY!

This sounds relaxing and chill. I'd love to play this on a late night drive or just before bed time along with Fly Away With Me, Sun & Moon, My Youth, and Long Flight.

Belongs to ‘make out session’ playlist  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

That was lowkey a playlist recommendation, huh?

I'd be kidding if I don't say I could touch myself while listening to this song AHAHAFGHFJFJ

I didn't know this would grow on me this much lol I love love LOVE THIS!

5. The Rainy Night

Ooh, the holy melancholy!

Piano at the intro—I knew I'd cry to this.

This song isn't just about break-up, but the heartbreak after one.

The yearning; the remnant pieces from the shattering of what was once there.

I think I crumbled from this one.

This hit so hard I felt like I fit in the shoes with the lyrics throughout the entire song.

What’s fascinating is I clearly forgot the title when I mentally said this sounds like a sad rainy day song from the first listen.

Something I’d turn up when it suddenly rains, just because I want to feel the blues.

Taeil and Haechan singing in lower register? I wanna cry :( they’re just one of the best vocalists in K-music industry right now.

Could have been also nice if they added Yuta to the vocals.

"My selfish heart who waits for you to come back," OKAY WHO HURT THEM?

And the fact that they sang it so good that it translated every ounce of the emotions well even before I looked up for English translations is the reason why I love this song too.

6. Far

Hmm… What the hell?! Do I like this? Wait...

Alright!

The jumpy vibe from the first verse to the pre-chorus set the mood for this song. It sounds merry and heavy. It was honestly too much to take until I’ve reached the chorus part.

Honestly, I think this song could fit NCT Dream better, as it gives off a vibe similar to Hello Future's b-tracks. If some credible source say this could have made HF’s track list, I might believe you too fast.

Also Dream’s Deja Vu where they go na nananananana na na na~

Playful yet confident! That’s what I mean!

As usual, the vocals are insane! Vocal flex from left to right!

I swear Jungwoo sounded a bit like Taemin at the second verse that I had to replay it hahaha

I love hearing Johnny as a vocalist! SM, how many signs do you need until you utilize his vocal talent???

Taeil's part where he sings, "go nuts, go nuts, 'til we go bust, go bust" IDEK BUT I SNORTED A LAUGH AT FIRST LISTEN HFCAHKFHK

Not my favorite, but still great though!

But wait it’s actually stuck in my head???

7. Bring The Noize

Yes, they never beat those noise music allegations

HERE'S SOME NOIZE, BITCHES

I love me some noisy percussions. AND THE BASS YO

This screams so much confidence!

The build up from the pre-chorus to the chorus—FIRE!

This song reminds me a lot of SuperM's Super Car, especially with the engine roar samples and the battle cry-like singing at the chorus.

JAEHYUN RAPPING? You mean Jaehyun the visual, the vocalist, the actor, the model, the funny dude, aka my everything?! (markie bb look pls look away for a moment)

THEY DELIVERED IT STRAIGHT FROM NEOCITY THAT'S SOME NCT MUSIC RIGHT THERE NO ONE DOES IT LIKE THEM

When I said I'd play Focus on a late night drive, and if I add this in the playlist, VROOM VROOM SPEED LIMIT WHAT

OUTTA MY WAY

“We got no shame” ouh TAEYONG’S FLOW IS JUST VERY HIM AND HE’S IN A LEAGUE OF HIS OWN

You know what's so clever about this song? It's how it ended with Mark's final rap without any instrumental, leaving you  standing there with a doppler effect-like post experience.

A super car on a super speed just whooshed past you and you look its way as it zips through the road. It's gone in an instant but you're floored dumbfounded at a sidewalk. That's how I describe this song.

8. Magic Carpet Ride

This song… Wow. Oh gosh it's so beautiful.

Their harmony in the chorus—it makes me want to kiss someone so passionately that I'd cry.

This makes me want to feel love that transcends the universe. Literally, just please take me on a magic carpet ride :(

The background harmonies too oh my goodness—HEAVENLY.

Jaehyun's voice is so warm and soulful it fits perfectly with songs of this genre.

Okay alright Doyoung Grande!

And Taeil makes me feel like I'm listening to old school R&B.

The first time I heard this from the track video, I can't stop replaying because it's just that great.

This makes me want to love. I think that sums it up.

9. Road Trip

This is such a soothing song for me, especially how I easily become nostalgic thinking about the road trips I've had.

Whenever I listen to this, my brain immediately conjures up thoughts of my ideal getaways. Gazing at the sky through the car window, stirring up from a nap in the middle of the ride, and   eventually reaching your destination.

Oh, to travel around anywhere... (curse you covid-19)

Okay that's it. I'M PACKING UP.

But where do I go—

I could also imagine Mark playing this on the guitar and the other members sing along together, something like that.

Just Wholesome™ vibes.

I love how it evokes such a nice emotion within me effortlessly.

This isn't my favorite, but I still love this.

10. Dreamer

Eyyyy such a refreshing song!

This song is so bright it makes me want to dance. I play this first in the shower!

It reminds me so much of Elevator (from Neozone)

The horns make it more lively I think!

Yuta and Jungwoo's voice suits lively songs like this.

The background vocal in low register in Taeyong's part in the first verse is so good ahhfhf

Taeil, the R&B vocal king you are...

There's this part where Doyoung and Johnny harmonized, that at first listen they seemed to clash, but it sounded actually fine after a few listens. Maybe it's just that I've never heard them do it before.

And I think it's Doyoung's laugh at the end of the bridge? Oh my goodness I really love this too!

11. Promise You

MY FIRST LOVE AND MOST FAVORITE SONG IN THE ALBUM!!!

The first time I heard this from their NCIT Sharehouse Sitcom, I fell in love with the song already.

It sounds like something you'd feel from a warm, welcoming hug.

The lyrics are so beautiful and endearing. It's definitely a be-there-for-you type of song that will touch your heart.

It definitely sounds like a promise.

A song about platonic intimacy.

This really fits to be the closing song of the album. It's like the end of it but holds a promise that says “see you soon.”

Because they cherish their fans like that.

It's also like I've watched a movie with a happy ending, where the camera pans up to the clear sky and this song starts playing.

Speaking of ending, I would love to hear them sing this as an encore stage in their concert. You know, that moment just before the stage lights die down at the end of the concert where they send final blows of flying kisses to NCTzens. Then you come home smiling and crying.

This wasn't supposed to be this long since I originally planned to write this with just simple phrases and emojis but I got too engrossed lol. I also meant to include my own ratings but I figured it’s pointless since I can’t really decide about them hahaha

I really enjoyed the whole album and I love how they're progressively defining what NEO means by breaking through standards. It's not NCT music if it doesn't make you say "WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT?" But then you realize it’s stuck in your head and you’re enjoying it already.

✨ OVERALL RATING: 127/10 💚

if you’ve reached until here, thank you for letting me share you a braincell or two 💞

[i-cant-sing]

Okay, Moon anon was able to contact me and I'm gonna post their chapters 3-6 here.

Daniel and YN 3 🌗🌗

Rainy days are crazy. Some of YN’s best and worst memories were on a rainy day. It was a rainy day when Daniel was born. His parents overjoyed when he decided to join the world early. The Sunny morning turned rainy when they saw something was wrong. The sky was so dark when the doctored explained that their baby didn’t get enough oxygen in the womb or when he came out. That his brain was impacted by the trauma. It took four years for Daniel’s mother to stop blaming herself, four years for her to understand that she couldn’t have known that something was wrong in her womb. Four years when they had their second child. It was a rainy day when YN and Daniel got lost. Holding each other’s hand, tightly they wandered the Kamino Ward. Hoping that their parents would be right down an alley or around the corner. That was a terrible 6th birthday for YN. The steps Daniel left in the dirt started to get deeper and more burnt. The boy slightly started to tremble. “Daniel.. it’s gonna be ok. Momma and Pop are going to find us we just have to-“ “Are you two lost?” A very tall man in a black suit asked. YN couldn’t remember his face, but his voice was eerily calm and smoothe. His head had snow white hair on it. A look at him would’ve left even the hero All Might scared. “ye…Yes. My brother and I can’t find our parents..” “Oh dear. Well I can help you. They couldn’t have gotten far.” He held his hand to Daniel. And he almost took it had YN not stepped in. “We’re not supposed to touch strangers.” “Oh yes, that’s a very good rule. Well my name is.. Shigaraki. Now what are yours?” “…yn.. and daniel..” “Now we aren’t strangers. Let’s get you two somewhere safe. Your brother’s quirk might level the neighborho-“ “YN! DANIEL!” The relieved voice of their father shouted out. And the two quickly turned away, toward his calls and open arms. Tears running down their faces, swearing to never wander off again. The day was saved. When YN went to turn to Mr Shigaraki to tell him it was fine, he had disappeared into the crowd. But one question lingered in her head. How did he know Daniel’s quirk could be dangerous? It was a sunny day at first when YN and Daniel went out to the park for their Day out. YN had already planned to tell her parents that she wanted to come back here for her 12th birthday in a few months. Daniel kept over-stimulating himself with every single thing that caught his eyes. The anthill, the trees, the way the wind carried the leaves, when he and YN jumped around over the hopscotch drawings. When the rain came down they didn’t want to leave. They wanted to splash in the wetness like a couple of ducks. But Momma was insistent it was time to go back to the apartment. Inside the car YN immediately put on her headphones to listen to nightcore covers of popular songs. It wasn’t until she noticed her mom’s terrified expression and felt her dad’s fear did she take them off. “-I DONT KNOW ITS NOT BREAKING!” “WE’RE GOING RIGHT INTO TRAFFIC! DO SOMETHING!” “..momma?..” “DANIEL! YN GET DOWN!” That was the last thing her mother said to her. The rain hit the car harder. Daniel was quick to cover his little sister as the car swerved towards a large truck. YN felt her brother shield over their bodies. The last thing she heard from her father was a yell. Before they crashed into the truck. Before YN and Daniel were flung out into the side of the road. Scratches beginning to litter their arms and cheeks. YN felt the rain on her face as she tried looking up. Tried finding her parents. It was a rainy day when the last image of her parents was the crushed front end of the car. 🌗🌗

Daniel and YN 4 🌗🌗

The incident at the cafe left a bigger mess then was intended. Of course the waitress didn’t say a word about who caused the mess, still terrified of the threat, but the manager still called the police. At the moment it was being investigated as a break in. It wasn’t until they started to bag the broken vases as evidence did they think to call a hero as they believed this was a terrorist villain trying to strike more fear. When the first cop touch the broken vases he immediately fell over and started seizing. Like someone had sent hundreds of volts up through his gloved fingers and into his blood stream. The second cop tried picking up the glass with prongs so that she wouldn’t get the same effect. But she still felt some pain and volts. Even the glass windows were giving off static. When they were examined no one could find a point of impact. It was almost like they spontaneously exploded. Worse and more confusing yet was the fact that the material seemed to give off radiation spikes. From a computer screen image, it was like a red glow was emanated from the glass. When the police tried to check the cameras, all the footage was either ruined, too melted to gather anything. It left them in a stump. So they had to make a plea to the hero society to get fresh eyes and help on the case. Not expecting any big response. Some heroes wanted to solve the mystery because it stumped them as well. This quirk residue was something unseen before. Calls and emails were left. All saying they would look into it. And it seemed like this would just be a mysterious case left forgotten. That is until the All Might showed up in the station one morning. Along with his protege Deku. They said they wanted to solve the case because if this person left such a dangerous residue after using their quirk, then they were a danger to themselves and others. No on saw the real intentions in their eyes. When they asked about the only other patron in the cafe the police said that they tried tracking them down, but they were gone into the wind. The only other patron at the cafe made their way into a compound. Holding treats meant for a little girl. But first he had to make a stop at his boss’s office. “Hey.. Kai. You won’t believe what Just saw.” Meanwhile in the station two separate rats made calls to two separate people. “Put me through to Shigaraki…. Hello. I have something interesting to tell you. Something that might please you and your Sensei.” “Oh hey there Aizawa. Detective Tsukauchi here. Look I you know about that cafe destruction a week ago? Yea well I think you outta here about this.” Indeed the cafe incident left a bigger mess than intended. 🌗🌗

Daniel and YN part 5 🌗🌗

They’d been gone for at least two months. YN’s feet hurt and Daniel missed his own bed. But they had to keep going, with no intended final destination but a goal to keep away from the previous home they ran from. After the morning at the cafe, YN and Daniel had kept to the shadows for the rest of the day. But they couldn’t keep going like this. They needed to eat today but not at a restaurant. There was only one dreaded… dreaded option. The grocery store. So after they checked in at the latest motel with kitchens in the rooms, the siblings ventured off to the store.YN couldn’t leave Daniel alone yet. He’d panic and probably have a fit. The store was minimally packed. Since it was still early in the day it seemed like they would zip in and out with relative ease. After grabbing the bare essentials, and what she could pack in a backpack without much drag, it was time to go to the candy aisle. It was a long journey thus far, a journey deserving of some sour candies. But of course there had to be another person there. Invading space and looking right at her favorites. She wanted to just grab and go. But her hand and the stranger's hand touched as they reached for the same one. “Sorry. I should’ve watched where I was going heh..” The tall redhead said. A small blush on his face as he rubbed the back of his neck. “It’s fine. Lemme just grab and go here.” She looked back for Daniel, luckily he was close by staring at the varieties of pocky they had. Turning back she noticed his uniform. UA, that might prove to be a complication. But YN was desperate for some kind words and a brief moment to talk to someone her own age. “So you go to UA? Are you a general student or a hero course student?” “Oh hero course definitely! I even have my hero name chosen!” “Wow that’s great. I hope in a few years I get to be saved by…?” “Red Riot!” “Like Crimson Riot?” “Exactly! I really admire him and I hope I live up to his-“ “OI SH**TY HAIR! WE’RE GONNA BE LATE! GRAB YOUR CRAP AND LET’S GO!” A blonde kid shouted down the aisle, also wearing a UA outfit. YN couldn’t place why but she felt like she’d known him before. That volume felt very familiar, but it startled her brother who jumped in fear causing the pocky he saw to fall off the shelving. Time to go now. “I should go anyway. It was nice meeting you.” “Wait, we could walk you and your brother to your school if you guys want?” “We have to go.” The blonde got closer and she could tell something was perpetually up his ass. “Bye.” “Wait! My name’s Eijiro Kirishima. What’s yours?” “YN. Just YN. That’s my brother Daniel.” And before he or his companion could ask anything else the two siblings fast walked toward the checkout and were out the door before they got another chance to talk to them. “YN… huh she was pretty cool right bakubro!” “What ever. Let’s get going before we show up after Deku.” But that name was familiar to him. The girl had long since faded from his mind, but how could anyone forget the day when a quirkless kid tried bashing your head into the dirt. He planned on apologizing the next day for his comments but she was gone. Gone and almost forgotten. It could be possible that this was just someone who shared the same name. But maybe.. possibly.. the universe was giving him the chance to apologize. “YN.” 🌗🌗

Daniel and YN part 6 🌗🌗

YN never really liked her neighbors. She never outright loathed them, but she was uncomfortable with how Inko kept trying to be her mother, and how Izuku had this strange obsessive stare when he looked at her. As long as they stayed in their apartment and never bothered them it would all be fine. But their parents couldn’t watch them all the time. So on days when momma and pop went out Miss Midoryia would graciously watch them. YN never liked pity. So when Miss Midoryia tried to pity and feel sorry about YN’s quirkless status, that just made her dig her heels in longer. She didn’t need people to fuss over her like she was a glass doll. At least with Izuku she could’ve had a companion. She did try to get along with him. But he was so weird. Just because they both were quirkless didn’t mean they’d would be close. “So why are you homeschooled?” “I get into fights.” “Why?” “Because people are mean and they think they’ll have no consequences to their words. I proved them wrong.” “Were they mean because you’re quirkless or because Daniel is… different?” Now obviously he didn’t mean any harm by that. But an emotional 10 year old girl is not someone to mess with. So with a sharp glare to his face the conversation quickly died. In the dining room, Daniel would usually be coloring. Or playing with his legos. Something to stim and distract his mind. Sometimes he’d just pull out a old painting his dad got him, and he’d spend hours looking at the strokes and would mentally add a new feature. Twirling the hair on his head whilst sucking/biting his thumb. “Daniel? Would you like some water?” “No miss. I want momma.” “I know sweetie but she won’t be gone forever. And you call me Inko” Though she’d prefer him to call her something more affectionate. Throughout the night Inko kept trying to mother them. She hovered over YN’s neck and tried petting her head which resulted in a swipe from the little girl. By the time YN’s parents got back, she was relieved and spent the rest of the night complaining to her mom about how she didn’t want to go over to the neighbors anymore and how she felt uncomfortable. Across the hall the two greenettes were enamored with the two kids. Inko adored how sweet Daniel was, how shy he looked to her. Izuku was star struck at this girl without a quirk who was so quick to fight against the norms put in place by a society against them. They'd soon make it a habit to try to talk to the family in the hall, or bump into them on the street. One day, after the family had been gone for a couple weeks, they saw the two with several police officers and a social worker packing away all their belongings. It didn’t take a genius to figure out that something terrible had happened. When Inko offered to watch them, the social worker confirmed the worst and took the children away. Three weeks later, as her son was at school Inko kept trying to find the legal way for her to gain custody of the kids when her door was knocked. Her husband, AFO, on the other side. She tried telling him to go away. Tried saying that he had no part in Izuku’s life anymore. But he had a bigger role than known. “How can you be so cruel my love? Especially now that I’ve opened the door for you to gain what you want?” “What do you mean?” “I’ll help you gain custody of the two children you are craving. I happen to have a fascination with them as well.” “I can’t ever guarantee that we’ll be a whole family ever again.” “Of course not. I wouldn’t expect you to. But let’s try something for now.” So Inko made a deal with the devil, to gain two angels. 🌗🌗

Now that AFO is in the story, I'm like so excited! Great work, Moon anon!

[galaxxiwrites]

Heya! =D so you can decide if you wanna do it, but can you do a headcanon reaction of how Akira, Zakuro and Mizuki would react to their darling protecting them like a shield when they noticed that someone was about to try and hurt them and ended up getting badly injured from the hit. Again completely fine if you ignore this request.

Angst? *cracks fingers* Hegg yeah.

warning: these ended up being super long

edit: I forgot to mention, it has mentions of blood and shot!!

prompt: You and your lover were merely enjoying your date together, until you noticed a glint of something hiding in the shadows. It wasn't until you heard a loud bang did your mind register it was a gun. Despite your confusion, your body moves faster than your mind processes anything and you shove your lover away from the bullet's path—unfortunately leaving you to take the bullet in his stead.

Taking a hit (ft. Mizuki, Akira & Zakuro)

Mizuki

Mizuki is stunned. His mouth agape as he stands there, unsure of what to do first.

His mind wrestles with thoughts of getting the bastard who shot you or helping you, but when he sees the pool of blood slowly growing bigger, his body moves by itself.

"Hey...hey...! (Y/n)!"

Mizuki screams and shakes you, but your lack of response makes his heart drop.

He's racing to grab his phone, and his hands were too shaky to properly work the touchpad, but despite the odds he was able to properly pick out Kokuyo from his list of contacts and calls the one man he looks up to.

"Mizuki, what is it? We're in the middle of practice—"

Kokuyo sounded annoyed, but immediately fell silently when he heard Mizuki's sobs.

"Kokuyo...what do I do—?"

Mizuki can't talk properly, but does his best to explain the situation to him.

Kokuyo tells Mizuki to wait there with you while he calls an ambulance. Not like Mizuki had much of a choice anyway, as he didn't want to leave you alone.

The ambulance arrives after what feels like forever, and Mizuki's sobs that finally dried a while ago start up again as he sees you being whisked away into the vehicle on a stretcher.

For the remainder of what happened, it was all a blur to him. All Mizuki remembers was crying in front of the ER while they worked on stabilizing your condition.

After those gruesome hours of worrying, the doctors finally leave the ER. They tell Mizuki they did what they could—and that your chance of survival was 50/50 at best.

Mizuki was about to beat the doctor for not doing a better job of saving you, but Kokuyo stopped him before he could grab the doctor by the collar.

Mizuki asked for a few days off Starless, and even asked Sotetsu to dig up some information on your the attacker.

"Don't worry, (y/n). I'll make sure whoever did this to you is gonna pay."

He says, though not really waiting for a reply. After all, how could a person in deep slumber ever answer back?

Akira

Akira immediately calls the ambulance, and tells them everything despite his shaky voice almost failing him multiple times throughout the duration of the call.

Akira also tells Kokuyo about what happened, and excuses himself time off from Starless until he was assured that you were no longer in critical condition.

He stayed up all night outside of the ER, unable to even sit down despite his feet almost giving out from the fatigue of him pacing back and forth.

"We tried to close the shop as fast as we could. How is (y/n)?"

Takami asks, shocking the daylights out of Akira who was too focused on his thoughts of you to even realize that they arrived.

Akira's voice failed him. All he could was stare blankly back at the doors leading to the ER room, where you were.

Some time after, some doctors and nurses finally left the ER room. The one handling your operation told Team W that your condition has stabilized, and that you should be fine soon.

Finally, Akira was able to calm down. He just dropped to the floor, his whole body trembled as a murmurs of relief could be heard.

Taiga on the other hand, decided to dig up some information. After all, the world now revolved around the internet—it wouldn't be surprising if some wackjob ended up posting whatever schemed they had on their social media, especially if it was a throw away account.

Luckily, this sort of thing was childs play for the tech expert, and after a few hours of searching, was finally able to trace the fake account to its real owner—one of Akira's delusional fans.

The singer is mortified to see the latest post on the person's social media.

"Soon, he'll be mine."

Again, Akira's nerves tensed. Kokuyo smacks Taiga for showing them such information when Akira hasn't rested yet, but the singer thanks his team member. He even commits the person's face to memory, despite his mind feeling light from all the stress and lack of sleep.

In the early morning after her surgery, a nurse was scheduled to come in to monitor on (y/n)'s condition.

Akira stands to greet the nurse, but stops himself when he recognizes the face. This woman was no nurse, it was his fan.

He absentmindedly mumbles the person's social media handle, staring at them wide-eyed in disbelief.

Hearing her name being called out excited the fan.

"Yes! That's me! Don't worry Akira...once I get rid of this pest, we can finally be together. Like how it's supposed to be!"

Akira couldn't fathom the words that came out of this deranged fan's mouth. Without realizing it himself, Akira had his hand clenched into a fist, ready to punch this lunatic and hopefully fix whatever brain wires needed repair.

"Oi, give it a break. Jeez, a man can't even enjoy a smoke break."

Kokuyo came just in time to stop Akira from beating the woman in front of him to death, meanwhile Sin held the woman down. Akira was about to ask how they knew, but Taiga waved his phone to show hom some kind of gps app.

"It's a tracker. I had a feeling she would be making a move, so I decided to track her phone. Sorry not sorry for invading on your privacy, miss stalker fan." The tech master announces proudly.

"Takami's gonna give her over to the police. Meanwhile...you should sleep. Those eyebags don't suite you, pretty boy."

Kokuyo says, before leaving with the rest of Team W to give the two of you some silence—one that Akira desperately needed as he finally dozes off to sleep on your bedside.

Zakuro

Zakuro has a menacing look on his face—it's a smile, but so distorted with pain that he looks like a maniac.

He shakes your limp body and calls out your name.

"O—ya...? (Y/n)...?"

Zakuro's voice cracks as he realized your body remained unmoving. Zakuro's mind is blank— for the first time he's never felt so lost.

It wasn't until he received a text message did his mind finally managed to start working again.

"Good job on luring her out, ×××"

Read the text message from the unknown number. It doesn't take a genius to connect two and two together, after all, no one should have known his real name. You were targeted by Black Card—but why? What did you have to do with any of this?

Zakuro, instead of directly calling the ambulance, texts Qu to do it in his place, as he knew their number two would ask later rather than sooner.

Zakuro hides himself among the crowd, but he feels his heart drop when he sees you out on the stretcher.

He wants to be there with you, at least holding your hand while they take you to the ER. But now was not the time, not when someone from Black Card might still be monitoring his movements.

He returns to Starless, and it was only until Kei asked Zakuro about the source of the bloodstain on his clothes does he realize his garments were soiled—with your blood.

Quite ironic, considering how this is the perfect literature imagery of a person's blood on one's hands. So ironic that Zakuro breaks down into a chuckle.

Team C's singer asks Kei for some time off on Starless. Naturally, Kei can't just give anyone time off, they were employees in an industry that requires one's constant presence to remain relevant.

Kei tells Zakuro that of the latter would explain, then he might consider it.

"(Y/n)...She was shot."

Was all Zakuro utters before taking his leave from the building. All the others who were in close proximity were shocked, not just at what he said but how he said the news. Zakuro sounded absolutely broken, his voice lost all hints of mischief he once had.

Zakuro wished he was able to visit you and give himself some peace of mind that you were going to be alright, but he can't.

He refused to rest, not until he learns everything. About your connection to Black Card, or why you were specifically targeted. He knows it won't be easy, but he's willing to risk it all for you.

"If you bastards think I'd choose my memories over (y/n), then you're dead wrong. All of you are going to regret this."

[cousinwingding97]

Silver Memories

Chapter Five: Corvus

Warnings: Description of killing someone. This one is a long one as well, so the next chapter will be shorter since this took a lot out of my brain. Enjoy!

Mando listens as you describe the nightmare, or possible vision for lack of a better word, with rapt attention. Every detail is seared into your brain much like the memory of being whipped that keeps playing over and over; this one feels different, though, like an out of reach dream rather than a bone deep memory. You don’t know which is worse and you wouldn’t mind some happy memories to play in the darkness of your mind while drifting to sleep.

He shrugs it off saying it’s just a nightmare or memory before turning back to the flashing lights of hyperspace. You want to argue considering the details seem more recent and there was no sign of pain and destruction while you two were on Pollis Massa, but he cuts you off with a, “We’ll find out from my friend what it is. For now, try not to let it bother you.”

Yes, brilliant idea. Can’t believe I didn’t think about not letting it bother me, you think to yourself. Even with his words, you can’t help but notice that Mando seems much more tense in the shoulders. You’re wondering if he is just trying to make you feel better in his own way.

“Do I have enemies?”

“W-what? Why do you ask?”

“Well, I mean the dream made it seem like that guy wants to kill me or capture me at least, I was found in a cell; I can’t help but feel like people don’t want me around.”

“Everyone has enemies. Yours probably grew in number just from hanging out with me.”

“Why? Do people not like you?”

Mando lets out a small sound like a disbelieving laugh, “Most people aren’t too excited about a bounty hunter sullying their place of business In case we end up causing a mess or chasing after them. I’m not welcome to most places.”

Something twists in your heart. It feels like pity or just discomfort with the idea of people judging based off the armor and job Mando performs. “Don’t you get lonely?”

Mando shifts in his seat, “I’ve never really thought about it,” he says, but you can’t help but feel a wave of sadness wash over you. A desire to fit in and be loved, but only ever being held at arms length or feared. The emotions don’t feel like your own; in fact, you know they aren’t since you can’t place any experience to that feeling. It feels more like Mando’s due to the tinge of anger underneath it all. Why wouldn’t a child be loved unconditionally and why should anyone be untouched by the love and kindness of others?

“You have,” you breathe out more to yourself. The realization hitting you like a punch to the gut, slamming all of your emotions out to be filled with his. “You’re lonely. No one gave you what you really wanted.”

You can almost see the faceless warriors demanding excellence, violence, pure fight from every child instead of the love a child needs. A desire for every child to perform perfectly without any thought or care towards what actually children need to develop and thrive. It hurts. You don’t know why, but your heart feels like there are claws hollowing it out from the inside. Your breath starts to burn in your lungs.

“Stop it.”

“You just want the gentleness and love, you want to be loved, yet you can’t have it now.” The words flow out of your mouth, unwelcome.

“I said stop.”

“Everyone is too scared of you. Mandalorians are warriors first. Nothing else.”

“Snap out of it!” Mando literally snaps his fingers in front of your eyes and just like that, the spell is broken. You can breathe again and once you can, all you feel is numb, as if all of Mando’s emotions took your own, leaving you with nothing. Your eyes focus on Mando again. He’s staring at you. The T Visor reflects the stars of hyperspace making it look like there’s a mini galaxy in his visor instead of the black void you had grown used to. You know he’s angry by his tone and the stiffness of his body language, but you aren’t scared of him now. He won’t hurt you because he’s not angry at you, just exposed from your earlier invasion into his mind. His walls are up even higher now, you can’t help but feel like you’ve backtracked in his trust of you.

“Sorry, I just... felt you. I couldn’t stop it. I didn’t mean to invade your privacy.”

He tilts his helmet subtly. Something has changed between you two and he senses it now. Less fear and mistrust on your side and more on his side now with more questions for each of you.

“The sooner we find my friend, the better. Maybe she can help you control whatever this is.”

The rest of the flight is spent in awkward silence.

———————————————————————

Corvus looked absolutely dreadful from the viewport of the Vanguard. A foggy, barren dead planet. Dead trees, fog that clouded everything like a cloak of death. Your mood was already sour from the flight with your emotions plus Mando’s silent brooding now adding to the ever growing list of negative emotions about the current state of affairs. You absolutely hated everything about this place already. The dark gloom ate into your soul.

Mando was quiet as ever. The rest of the flight he remained silent and didn’t even look at you. You figured it was probably the invasion of privacy, but you couldn’t help it. You couldn’t help any of this! He had a right to be angry, but it still pissed you off that he seemed to be taking it out on you when you couldn’t even control what was going on.

Only when the ramp lowered and you were standing on this new planet did he finally speak to you, “Last I saw, Ahsoka was this way.” He hadn’t even stopped walking to say that, so you had no choice except to follow. Begrudgingly, you did. Like I have a choice in which way.

As if this planet couldn’t get worse, there was a silence weighing heavily around you, broken only by animalistic grunts and growls every so often. You jumped each time, scouring the area for any threat. The thought of holding on to Mando’s arm entered your mind once or twice, but his lack of reactions gave you an ounce of courage. Even if he still didn’t speak to break the heavy spell of this planet.

“Are we in danger?” You whispered into the fog.

“No.” Was the short reply.

“Then why are you not speaking?”

“Because I don’t have anything to say.”

“Even back on the ship? We are about to see a friend of yours, I’m apparently able to feel emotions through unknown powers that may be growing, I have creepy visions or dreams and you have nothing to say?” You abandoned the whispering for full volume talking, but still keeping it from yelling just in case.

“Until we know more, there’s nothing I can say.”

“More like won’t.”

The Mandalorian turns to you with a sigh, “We’ve been over this once. I’m not going to trigger you if I can help it and there’s not much to say. I hate to say it, but I’m just clueless as you are and I’m taking a shot in the dark hoping that she can help us. I’m sorry, but this is the best I’ve got right now.”

It hits you like a laser shot. Mando doesn’t know and that terrifies you. This whole time you had been following his lead thinking he knew what to do in order to bring back your memories, but he’s just as lost as you. You had been blindly trusting this man to help you and he doesn’t even have the answers. Sure, he knows more about you than you do, but the visions and emotional tune-ins are new to him as well.

“Did I not have these abilities before?”

“I don’t know.”

Mando leads you through the dead forest. Over logs, around boulders and deeper into the fog. This planet may have flourished at one time, but it looked like a graveyard now to you. There were shapes in the distance of creatures, but the lack of light coming through the fog didn’t show much detail, letting your imagination draw up horrible images of what may lie beyond the fog.

“Why does your friend live on a creepy, haunted planet?”

“It’s not haunted, just damaged. When I met her, she was freeing the locals from a tyrant who tortured those within her walls.”

“Do you think she’s still here then?”

“Maybe. The locals should be able to tell us more. If not, we can at least stock up on supplies.” The idea of people living on this planet is a tad bit surprising to you.

After hours of walking, the forest seems to give way to a grey wall. There are people posted along it, and upon seeing the silver armor, there’s a sudden rush of noise and clamor. A gate housed in the middle of the wall opens revealing an elderly man making his way towards both of you.

“Mandalorian! Welcome back! Come in, come in! Night is falling. You can rest within our walls.”

Mando doesn’t say anything, but does reach up and clasp forearms with the man who now notices you. “Oh, miss! We hadn’t expected you to be back as well. Glad you both could join us.”

You immediately looked to Mando in surprise. You had been here with him too. You must’ve have met this friend while she was here. It made sense, but you were starting to wonder how long and for what reason you stuck around.

Mando kept walking without even noticing you. The village within the walls was lively. Houses lined the main street and bustling with activity. Vendors shouting their wares, children playing in the street and racing off down the winding streets veering off to the rest of the village. Even with the plain grey and brown neutral tones of the buildings, there was life within these walls that made you smile. It was a complete night and day difference compared to outside the walls.

People were happy here and happy to see you and Mando. Villagers would point at you two and wave. Some even clapped Mando on the back or hugged you. It was starting to overwhelm you. Did you know these people? Were you from here?

Mando noticed your growing concern and cut off the old man’s ramblings, “I’m sorry, but I need to find Ahsoka Tano. Is she here? My friend here lost her memories and needs her help.”

The old man looks to you in surprise and sorrow, “Oh, you should have said something earlier! My apologies, miss. Unfortunately, Ahsoka is not here at the moment. She’s taken up a new adventure outside of our walls. She said she would be back in a few days though.”

“And when was this?” You blurt out in despair.

“Two days ago. She will most likely be back very soon if you can wait.”

“Did she say where she was going? Maybe we can find her quicker.” Mando asks.

“No, I’m afraid not. To be honest, I can’t even say if she’s on this planet with absolute certainty.”

It takes all the strength in your body to hold your mouth shut to keep from screaming.

“You and your friend are more than welcome to stay with my family in the meantime, if you wish. After everything you did for us, it’s the least we can do in return.”

Mando accepts the offer for both of you. The man leaves to go tell his wife and family in order to prepare the house for you two. When he’s left, Mando turns to you.

“I’d rather not wait if we don’t have to. Are you alright staying here while I scout out the area and see if I can track her down myself?”

“Mando, I don’t know these people despite their knowing of me! Do you trust them? And what if this Ahsoka lady comes back and you’re not here?”

He holds a hand out as if to calm you, “I won’t leave tonight. That will give me time to see if these people are fully trustworthy and let you get comfortable with them. Is that better?”

You roll your eyes in annoyance. It was, but still not fully satisfying. “Again though, what if she shows up? I won’t know her. What if we miss her?”

Mando tilts his helmet in thought. His hands settle on the belt on his hips. As if the answer came to him from touching his belt, he suddenly reaches in a pouch and grabs something. Gingerly, he reaches out his fist to you. You lift your palm and he drops a black device into your hand. It’s small and round with an oval end and a piece that juts out from the bottom. There’s a blinking blue light on the oval end.

“Here. It’s a communicator that connects directly to my helmet. It may look small, but as long as it’s on and in your ear, it will connect to me. I’ll tell the old man to let everyone know that if Ahsoka shows up, to come to you. If she does, you just press the oval end and tell me. Does that help?”

You look at the device again and gently put it in your ear. The fit is perfect and light. You press the button to test it and Mando nods in confirmation that it worked.

“Okay. That’s fine. Just don’t be gone too long. If I have another episode, I’d rather it be by someone who is already used to my weirdness.”

If you hadn’t turned on the device to test it, you never would have heard the very small breath that passed through your ear. It was a laugh. A gentle huff, but a laugh that you could hear due to the connection to Mando’s helmet. You smiled fully in pride knowing you secretly made him laugh.

———————————————————————

The old man returned to find you and Mando shopping for new supplies. Both of your arms were full by the time he came back and showed you to his house that was within eyeshot of another gated larger house in the middle of the street. You didn’t get a good look at it, but you felt like that place held a lot of sorrow and pain within its walls.

The old man, whose name you learned was Ko, introduced you to his family. His wife, Leeda and their eldest son with his wife and a young grandson. They were extremely polite to you and Mando, catering to anything and everything. They took your bags and set them on the table by their laundry room and ushered you into the kitchen for dinner. The food smelled delicious, permeating the whole house with spice, meat and melted butter. You had no idea what it was, but sitting down to eat the seared meat and baked vegetables brought you to the most light-hearted you had felt since waking up. You ate with vigor and listened to the family speak of anything and everything. 

The grandson brought up something you had forgotten until he piped up, “Mr. Mando, why aren’t you eating? Mom says that we have to eat if we are to stay strong!”

You had been distracted with the food and hadn’t even noticed the hunk of metal sitting next to you not saying a word or eating. His creed not even allowing a meal in the presence of others, but there he sat in silence, forgoing any part of impoliteness to even mention that he couldn’t eat. Everyone’s eyes were now on Mando as he sat in awkward silence. You set the silverware down in shame. How could you forget something like that? The poor guy hadn’t had food in who knew how long? He’d been with you this whole time.

“Jax, hush! That is impolite to ask of a Mandalorian.” His mother piped up.

“No, it’s okay. I ate recently. If I can, I’d like to take some to my room for later.” You knew it was a lie. He hadn’t had food recently. There was no way unless he had hidden tubes beneath that armor, but the family seemed to buy his lie. 

You suddenly stood up announcing, “We are actually really tired from traveling so much and shopping, I am afraid we must retire. Can we see our rooms?”

Ko looks up startled, but laughs it off, “Oh yes! Of course! I should’ve known you two would be so tired. Come, come. I will show you to your room.” 

You smile at him as he stands to show you to the rooms. You were just relieved that Mando would eat soon. He must have been starving! It was astonishing you that he was still standing without a hint of exhaustion or shaking.

Following Ko out of the dining room, you were led down the hall full of family photos, to a door at the end. One door. “Here’s where you two will be staying. I’m sure you will find it comfortable.” The two of you. He meant both of you. He meant for you to stay in the same room as Mando. Oh, please have two beds. You opened the door hesitantly and lo and behold, one large bed. It was so cliché you couldn’t help the small giggle that tickled out of your throat. Before you could protest, Mando chimed in that it was perfect and thanked Ko for his hospitality while gently pushing you further into the room to close the door. 

You immediately went on the defense, “Why did you tell him this is fine! You need your privacy to eat! I can’t stay here.”

Mando had been holding up one hand while balancing the food in his other, preparing for a fight. He seemed to pause at your words. “You want to leave?”

“Yes! If it means you get to eat, then yes, I will leave or hide in the bathroom, whatever you need. I know you haven’t eaten for at least a day.”

He sets the food on one of the side tables next to the left side of the bed. He shuffles on his feet thinking about his next move. You move to leave thinking he was trying to come up with a nice way of telling you to get out. Before you can, “You can stay. If you want. Just as long as we sit on the floor facing the opposite way. Only if you’re comfortable, though.”

You can’t tell if it’s a plea or just him trying to make it seem like all of this is no big deal. You have no idea, you can’t really deny the fact that you want to stay. The idea of being out there with people who act like they know you makes you far more uncomfortable. “Alright.”

You cross the room to the right side of the room, pretending to notice all the details of the room instead of thinking about his heavy gaze. He watches you the whole time. You try not to fidget or trip over yourself in the midst of his watchful gaze. You turn your back to him and slide down the side of the bed until your legs are in front of you straight out and your butt hits the cold floor. You awkwardly give him a thumbs up over the side of the bed, “Anytime you’re ready.”

You hear a hiss and a clank of armor onto the wood table. You freeze. Your body immediately wanted to turn towards the noise. The curiosity alone makes you want to look. Maybe you had seen his face before all of this had happened and it would help trigger your memories. The thought leaves as soon as it enters. You weren’t about to betray his trust with something this monumental to him.

The quiet sounds of him sliding down to the floor and then starting to eat greet your ears. It’s so quiet and you can’t help but fill the tormenting silence with anything to distract yourself from what’s right across the room from you. It would be so easy to take a peek and the temptation leads you to studying everything around you. The room is large compared to the small compartments of Boba’s ship and the Vanguard, not large enough to distract you though. The view of the wall and its single picture of Ko’s family isn’t entertaining after a few seconds. The only window is right above the bed so you can’t look out of it without risking seeing Mando.

Boredom finally reaches its peak within your brain so you call out to the other side of the room, “How do they know me? They keep treating us like we are gods. What did we do?”

There was no way to prepare for the voice that greets your ears. You hadn’t thought about how Mando’s voice would sound and even if you had, it would never compare to reality. A warm rumble of whispered honey caresses your ears and slides down your body in a comforting bass, “This planet was under the control of the Empire. The ones that ripped your memories from you. We helped free them.”

“We?”

“Ahsoka, you and me.”

“How’d I do anything?”

There’s a pause for faint chewing. You felt kinda bad for insisting that he eat and then not letting him have that luxury by constantly asking questions.

“You think that trick you did to catch that little guy on the flying lizard was an accident? Luck? You helped a lot in that fight.”

As if hearing your next question forming, he interjected, “That’s all I will say. Why did you care so much about me eating?”

The change in topic throws you. All bubbling questions leave your mind as you try to focus on the answer.

“You still don’t seem to fully trust me, you haven’t shown any concern earlier, so why now?” He asks as if to clarify his question.

“I don’t know. I’m still struggling with it. These people act like decent people, the Empire must be the bad guys here for what they did to me and this town. I guess you are the closest thing I know to be good. You are trying to help me as far as I can tell, putting in more effort than Boba or anyone else so far, but here I am not offering any sort of help back. I get that I don’t know what I can and can’t do; however, that shouldn’t stop me from making sure my pilot is in fit condition. Maybe I hate your guts with my memories, maybe we were best friends. I’ll try to stay more in the moment and trust you until you prove otherwise, as long as you are more open with me about yourself. And not about your personal stuff, just tell me if you need rest or food, okay? It won’t ruin your scary image, I promise.”

He’s quiet as you hear him finish his food and set the plate back on the table. When you hear his voice again, it’s the blasted coder instead of sweet honey, much to your disappointment.

“Alright. Only if you do the same.”

You take that as permission to look at him again, so you stand and turn to him. His thighs are pressed to the bed as if trying to be close to you without crossing to your side of the room.

“We are pretty much on our own. I’m not used to counting on others, but you are too selfless and caring to be a burden. If I ask you something, I want you to be honest. I can’t help you if you end up passing out, having an episode, or worst of all: dying. I’ll do what I can to earn your trust.”

Your cheeks warm unwillingly. It sounded like Mando cared about you, so maybe you could trust him fully after all.

“Alright. Two-way street. Neither of us breaks these rules.”

“Fine. First question, is it alright if I sleep in here? Just as a precaution. I'll sleep in the chair, so you can have the bed."

The question catches you off guard. You honestly didn't know. The idea of him just watching you while you tried to sleep didn't sound like a lot of fun.

"Uh, are you actually going to sleep or just watch me the whole time?"

He seems to realize the way that sounded stutters a little, "I-no, uh, I meant, stay in here and sleep so I can be here in case something happens. Which it shouldn't, but just in case."

"As long as you promise to actually sleep. You need rest just like anyone else, you know that right? As far as I know, you aren't an android or anything. Are you a species that doesn't require a lot of sleep?"

He sighs and makes his way to the refresher off to the side of the bedroom, "Just get some rest."

Rectuantly, you lay down to get some sleep. The bed is cold from lack of use along with the night temperatures. You can hear water running as you lay there staring at the ceiling along with soft clanging as you imagine Mando removing his armor. You couldn't sleep with that kind of stuff going on. The mental image of what Mando might look like under the armor paired with that voice had your thoughts racing.

Once the door opens again, you catch a glimpse of Mando in just sleep clothes and his helmet before he turns off the light. It's a startling sight. Casual clothes and only his helmet? You never expected this. It was like seeing a rare creature out mythology in comparison to this. Almost intimate. You could see some tan skin barely peeking out of his tunic. He was still broad and large, yet more human. The skin looked human at least.

This was going to be a long night.

Sure enough, the next morning had left you waking up exhausted. Even knowing you were safe with Mando, the thought of a strange man at the foot of you bed still left you feeling restless, almost exposed. You had tossed and turned all night only catching bits and pieces of sleep every so often. When you awoke, Mando was already gone from the room. His weapons and armor were gone as well.

Leaving the room and entering the kitchen brought you back to a life outside of Mando and traveling with possible threats following you everywhere. Ko's family was already up and fixing breakfast together. The grandson, Jax, looked up to see you enter the kitchen. He grabbed your hand and dragged you over to help fix food with them. They were nice people that went to lengths to make you feel safe and at home with them.

You tried to make efforts to get to know them. It felt awkward with the almost hero worship they treated you with though. You had no idea how you had helped these people and if you even deserved it. What if Mando had just made it sound like you had helped so you wouldn't feel worthless?

They all had their own things to do after breakfast. Jax went to school, Ko's wife went out back to tend to her garden, and Jax’s parents, Lillian and Idris, went to visit another family. Ko at least invited you to drink tea on the back porch while watching his wife work in the garden. You gladly accepted.

"It is nice to have you and the Mandalorian back in our city. It's a good reminder that we are not easily forgotten. Mando did tell us you have been forced to forget everything, including yourself.”

You hum into your tea mug, noncommitedly, "Some Empire jerks took my memories. All of them. I don't remember ever being here."

"Well, I'm sure a part of it would be gladly forgotten. We were not a happy place until you and Mando came along. Ahsoka as well. Of course, it's not hard to expect from a Jedi. That is what they do."

"A Jedi?"

"Yes, the guardians of peace in the galaxy. You really have forgotten everything." His gaze of pity just makes your stomach turn. You didn't want pity. You didn't blame anyone but the people who did this to you.

"Is there anything you can tell me about myself? What was I like?"

Ko laughs in response, a genuine belly laugh, "You were a spit fire. You saw the injustice that was going on and you personally wanted to take on every guard and mercenary yourself. Mando had to hold you back. If it hadn't been for the need to find Ahsoka, you would've killed anyone in your way."

You couldn't help your eyes bulging our of your head. You? Killing people? Fighting in general? It was a crazy idea. You wanted to think this old man was crazy, but there was plenty of lucidity in the old man's eyes. He was telling the truth.

"What did I do? How'd I fight?"

"In any and every way. You didn't hold any punches. You used anything within your range. Blasters, staffs, even your fists. You were a sight to behold. You were kind to everyone in the city that was being held hostage here. You did whatever it took to free us. We are extremely grateful. We will do what we can to help you."

Once you had finished your tea, you left Ko to his own devices in order for you to think over everything he told you. You retreated to the solitude of the room you were sharing with Mando to rummage through the thoughts flying through your brain. The fear of accidentally triggering another violent memory had you curled up on the bed. Nothing happened though. You had taken a hot shower to calm down and changed into the clean clothes Leeda provided, yet now here you were with the spear you had stolen from Utapau. Mando had let you keep that at least. You were holding it trying to see if it felt familiar in your hands like a hidden instinct or muscle memory. Nothing was coming to you though.

You waited until night to check in with Mando. Perhaps a tad bit reluctantly, but you did worry about him being out there by himself.

"Mando, you there?"

The crackle in the communicator filled your ear and then his voice filled your head, "I'm here. Is everything okay?"

"That's what I was going to ask. Everything's fine. Just a little boring. It's almost strange to be living a quiet life after the past few days."

He chuckles lightly into the communicator, "I'm sure we will be on our way into trouble eventually. It's typical for me."

You smile tightly. You could wait on the trouble. "Any sign of Ahsoka?"

The answering sigh tells you enough, but still he answers, "None yet. I'm just trying to pick up any sort of trail. I'm found her camp from last time I met her and it looks abandoned. The only clue I found so far. It looks like she dismantled her camp fairly recently so that’s a sign she’s been here at least.”

"Hopefully she's okay and this isn't a wild bantha chase."

"I'm sure she is. She's a powerful warrior."

"Yeah, Ko said she's a Jedi. Apparently that means she's some sort of warrior."

"What else has Ko been telling you?"

"Just that apparently I know how to fight expertly as well." Your tone turns accusatory.

"Yes, you do. Don't ask though, I don't know where you learned or even all the things you can do."

Your pettiness still gets to you a little as wish him a quick goodnight and cut the line. It still frustrated the amount of information everyone knew. You really needed to stop taking it out on Mando. You felt a little guilty as you went to bed that night.

------------------------------------------------------

The next morning brought your regrets to the surface again as you awoke to a sudden boom and shaking of the house. Screams followed the explosion as the reverberations faded away. You practically fell out of bed running towards the door to find where you hoped the others would be.

You call out for Ko and the others but there’s no response. You look throughout the house and finally find them all gathered by a door offset from the kitchen. Ko had gathered his family and was leading them down through the door down a set of steps leading to what you assumed was a basement when you cried out to them, "What's going on? What was that sound?"

Ko turns to you and grabs your arm leading you to the basement, "The Empire is back. It's a small party, but they are bombing the city!"

Your heart freezes. Is this because of your vision? Is this all happening because of you? Guilt flares in your heart. If you caused all of this pain and suffering, kriff, probably some deaths, all because of your presence, you didn’t know how you would forgive yourself. You reach up to the communicator in your ear only to find it missing. In your confusion and haste to find the others you had left it behind in the bedroom. You left it on the table like a mindless wamp rat.

You turn to run back to the bedroom all the while Ko tries to yell at you to come back to the safety of the basement. You hear more explosions outside, but you have to let Mando know. The basement won’t be safe for long if the house falls down around them. Mando may not be able to do much, but you have to warn him so he won't walk into a trap and possibly find Ko and his trapped family should the worst happen.

You reach your room and pratically fling yourself onto the table to grab the communicator. Stuffing it into your ear, you immediately open the channel. "Mando!"

"What's wrong? Are you alright?"

"The Empire's here!"

[thedeathdeelers]

Julie x Luke Fic

ok i did it

i finished the song inspired fic (my first attempt at writing Juke lols) (also my longest fic posted to date?? over 2k?? what)

find it here on my AO3, otherwise under the read more cut below :)

let me know what you think!

————

i’ll go wherever you will go

JULIE

Saturday morning found Julie wide awake tossing and turning at 7:30am. Which was odd to say the least, as Julie definitely enjoyed a good lie in just as much as the next person.

She tried to go back to sleep, snuggling in deeper under her covers, tucking her hands under her cheek, and even switching positions a few times.

But still nothing.

Finally giving up on sleep by 7:50am, Julie jumped out of bed, planning to head straight to the studio. Her mind had switched on the moment she first opened her eyes, whirling with lyrics and melodies for a new potential anthem.

So she slipped on her large bear claw slippers, and padded her way through the still quiet house, gently opening and shutting the front door behind her.

She slowly walked down the path to the studio, fully aware that the boys would not be back from whatever it is teenage ghosts who don’t sleep do all night.

Julie pushed passed the doors of her mom’s studio, leaving them ajar, hoping to let in the cool morning breeze. She headed straight for the couch, where lay Luke’s (and now hers as well, she supposed) songbook.

She plopped down, enjoying the worn out feel of the leather and the softened cushions, dragging the book over & onto her lap. Flipping it open, she rifled through the pages, humming quietly under her breath, looking at all of the recent songs she & Luke had written together. It was routine for her to do a little recap of their joint material before she reached the empty pages, where she would start on something new.

She was just about to flip past their latest work, paper crinkling under her fingers, when something fell out from between the pages, fluttering to the ground. She looked down, brows pulling together, to find a folded piece of paper on the floor next to her cladded feet.

Curious, and fully aware that she had only just held this notebook in her hands yesterday, Julie leaned forward over her knees and picked up the scrap of paper, and unfolded it.

It was in covered Luke’s familiar scratchy handwriting, covered in words and notes and melodies, just like the rest of their shared songbook (albeit looking slightly more organised). Scratching at her scalp in confusion, Julie brushed her hair out of her face, tucking it behind her ear as she brings the wrinkled paper closer for her to read.

But just before she does, she allows herself to breathe in deeply, eyes closing as the scent that is purely Luke invades her senses, enveloping her in a kind of warmth that vaguely reminds her of happy summers past.

She only gives herself a few seconds of self-indulgence, before she pulls the paper away from her face, sitting up a little straighter. Opening her eyes, she focuses on the words in front of her, scanning through the first few lines.

A gasp breaks through the silence in the studio as Julie starts to process the meaning behind the song.

She was reading a love song.

Her brain takes a second to comprehend, and another to fully process and kick in.

A love song written by Luke. And there was a very big chance that it was written with her in mind.

Love songs weren’t entirely a new territory for them - they had experimented with a few ever since they performed Stand Tall. But this one was a fully fleshed out song, with an underlying tone that was so heartbreaking, Julie could already feel her heart squeezing tight in her chest as tears start to push past her eyelids and down her cheeks.

So lately, been wondering,

Who will be there to take my place,

When I’m gone, you’ll need love,

To light the shadows on your face

A sob clawed its way out, breathing ragged as Julie clutched tighter at the piece of paper in her hand, her eyes squeezing shut. He must have written this when they thought they were going to move on.

She presses her free hand, now shaking, against her mouth, failing to stop the new stream of oncoming sobs from breaking out.

Even now, with the boys being physically present in her life, uncertainty still reared it’s ugly head. She would be bobbing her head along to music, working on her algebra homework, or lying in bed scrolling through Instagram, and it would hit. She’d suddenly be very aware of the fear of losing her new found family, of losing him, unsuspectingly crawling its way back up from where it was buried deep down, engulfing her in a haze that wouldn’t let up.

Trying to bring herself back to the present, Julie shakes her head, eyes opening back up. She tries to refocus on the words in front of her, even as her vision continued to blur.

If I could, then I would

I’ll go wherever you will go

Way up high, or down low,

I’ll go wherever you will go

And maybe, I’ll find out

The way to make it back someday

To watch you, to guide you,

Through the darkest of your days

I hope there’s someone out there

Who could bring me back to you

If I could turn back time,

I’ll go whenever you will go

If i could make you mine

i’ll go wherever you will go

“Jules?”

She was so taken by the words on the paper, so absorbed in the world the words were creating, that she hadn’t noticed Luke appearing into the studio.

Startled, she lifts her head, hair shifting and falling back over her shoulders as her eyes meet his.

LUKE

Luke had spent his night just as he always did: Roaming around the streets of Hollywood, constantly checking out new bands, new music - desperately trying to keep up with the music scene that constantly seemed to be changing.

Him and the boys had made a pact that they would always take advantage of their time back on Earth, whether spending it with loved ones (Alex tried to sneak off and see Willie whenever it was possible; Reggie liked to stick around the Molina house, following Ray and Carlos around), or spending it enriching their already deep knowledge of music.

And although he genuinely enjoyed spending his nights exploring the music scene with his boys, Luke always found himself itching to head back to their studio. Itching to head back to Julie. Some could call it pathetic (Alex), but he was over caring.

After having thought that he had somehow lost her, being forced to cross over or join some megalomaniac’s house band forever, he was through trying to act coy. He was head over heels in love with Julie Molina, and that was that.

Which meant that as soon as he deemed it late enough to head back, he left the boys on their way to meet Willie at some singer’s pool, and poofed back home (home. Has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?).

He was expecting the Molinas to still be asleep, hoping he’d be able to get a few hours’ worth of songwriting in before he’d be joined by a sleepy Julie.

What he hadn’t expect was to find a hunched over Julie, sat on their couch looking small as her eyes shone with freshly shed tears.

Luke quickly crossed the space between them, nearly jumping over the coffee table in his rush to get to her. He fell onto the couch next to her, reaching out to grab her hand in his. As was his routine whenever he’d held her hand, his thumb started to lightly trace over her knuckles, trying to soothe her the only way he knew best: by touch.

“Jules? Julie, what’s wrong? What happened?” He searched her face, futilely trying to make sense of the red rimmed eyes and the tear streaked cheeks. He was so preoccupied by the fresh batch that had started to spill over that he hadn’t noticed the cause: the now crumpled piece of paper wrapped up in Julie’s trembling fist.

But Julie would only shake her head at him, staring back with wide and glistening eyes.

Luke shifted, twisting his body to fully face her, extending his free hand towards her face to gently cup her cheek. The need to touch was just as much for her as it was for him. If he had a beating heart, it would be trying to hammer its way out of his chest. He needed something to ground him, to calm him down so he can focus, and nothing did that better than the girl sitting in front of him.

“Do you- do you want to talk about it?” He tried to regulate his voice, making it softer, tilting his head slightly to get closer to her eye level. He’d let her decide if she wanted to talk. He knew from personal experience what it felt like to want to let the tears and emotions pour out, without feeling the need to speak them out loud.

And yet - the lack of reaction on her part was worrying him. She still wouldn’t say a word, not even another shake or nod of the head - just staring at him with a mix of grief and wonder shining from her eyes. He didn’t know what to do with that.

But just as he was about to slide back a little, give her some space, he saw her lift her free hand, fingers curled tight into a fist, holding it up in front of him.

He looked at her questioningly for a second, before the hand that was still resting on her cheek moved to brush at her closed fist. At the contact, her fingers seemed to relax, easing the pressure on her knuckles. She slowly unraveled what was in her hand, dropping it in the palm of his.

As soon as he saw the crumpled piece of paper he understood.

She had found it.

His song. To her.

His farewell song.

He‘d completely forgotten he had hastily slipped it back into his songbook yesterday after their session.

He had planned on leaving the song in her dream box, where she was to find it after they had crossed over - a little piece of him, of his heart, of his soul, left behind for her to hold whenever needed.

But then they had stayed. And hugged. And laughed and hugged some more. And he figured she didn’t need to know about the sad love song he had written her.

So he had snuck back into her room late last night while she was asleep, and quickly grabbed it, shoving it into his songbook, with plans to properly dispose of it at a later time.

Too late for that now.

“Jules - I’m so sorry. You weren’t supposed to find this.” He scratched the back of his neck, song still in hand, unsure of how to navigate the conversation. He let out a long breath, trying to find the right words to explain to her.

“I wanted to leave you something that would always remind you of me - something personal, that no one’s seen or heard before. Just a little keepsake that you could go back to and read whenever you needed it.” His hand dropped into his lap with a soft thud, sound muted by the deafening quiet of the studio.

He chanced a look at her face, to find her still staring at him. Fortunately (he hoped), he could see the tears had stopped.

“I didn’t want to leave, knowing things might have been left unsaid. I figured I wouldn’t be as lucky next time round.” He tried for a weak laugh, but knew it wasn’t going to work. So he tried again.

“It uh- it was in your dream box. I know you said not to go near it, but I swear I just dropped the song in there and closed it. I didn’t snoop. Scout’s honour.” He did a little salute, two fingers held up, despite the fact that they both knew he was never a boy scout. He even tried a little shy smile, hoping she’d react to something. Anything.

And yet, still nothing.

Did she hate it? Did she think he was overstepping her boundaries? Did the song make her uncomfortable? He was starting to panic, even as he still felt her warm hand resting in his.

He let out a deep breath and tried again.

“I’m sorry, Julie, please, just talk to me. Let me know if I made you uncomfortable in any way, I-I-I’ll stop. We can burn the piece of paper and just forget this ever happened just please- say something.” He was pleading her, eyes solely focused on hers as he tried to gauge any type of reaction from her.

“You think I’m crying because it made me uncomfortable?” Her voice was so low, he nearly missed it.

He was not expecting her to start with that. But unexpected reactions were better than nothing.

“I- I don’t know Julie. You’ve been quiet from the moment I poofed in here. I don’t know what to think. But I’m so-“

“Please. Please Luke, stop apologising.” She shook her head, voice hoarse. Her lips twitched at the edges, the first signs of movement on her face since he approached her.

“This song- I-“ She swallowed, trying to dislodge the emotions wedged in her throat. Her eyes flickered from his lap, to the song and back up to his.

“Luke this- this is the most beautiful song you’ve ever written. I haven’t even looked at the music accompanying it and it’s already my favourite piece of music ever.”

Her voice hitched, as she tried to control her feelings. She cleared her throat, continuing.

“I cried because the emotions, the feelings that have been building up for a while now, all came crashing down on me at once. The fact that I really was this close to losing you guys,” she lifted her hand and touched his jaw, letting her fingers trail his cheek. “To losing you.”

Luke lifted his hand, covering hers.

“I’ll always be by your side Julie. I’ll do whatever I can to make sure of it. You know that.” His lips quirked into a half smile, recalling the words he had uttered the night they thought was their last.

“Could you- Could you play this for me?”

That surprised him. He wasn’t expecting her to want to revisit the song for a while. He lifted his brows as he tried to read her clear brown eyes.

“You sure you want to hear it now? We have all the time in the world. We could leave it for another day?“

She shook her head, the first real smile that morning, finding its way on her lips.

“No, I’m sure. I want to hear you sing it while I- while I can hold you close.”

His non-beating heart stuttered at her words, even as he tried to (unsuccessfully) keep the joyfully surprised expression from showing too much on his face.

“Alright.”

He got up quickly to grab his guitar and then immediately headed back to sit down next to his brown eyed wicked beauty.

Hm, that title had potential.

No Luke, focus.

He started tuning his six-string as Julie settled herself more comfortably against his side on the sofa. Her arm snaked its way around his back as she squeezed herself closer, her head coming to rest on his shoulder.

He closed his eyes, trying to savour this feeling, this moment, committing it to memory, before he opened them back up and prepared himself to start playing the song he never thought he’d get the chance to perform.

So lately, been wondering,

Who will be there to take my place,

When I’m gone, you’ll need love,

To light the shadows on your face

He could already feel the tears soaking their way through his shirt sleeves, as Julie’s hand clenched, her arm tightening her hold onto him. He fought through the need to comfort her, willing himself to finish playing her his song. He was baring his soul to her; the least he could do was do it right.

I know now, just quite how

My life and love might still go on

In your heart, in your mind

I’ll stay with you for all of time

He was nearing the end of the song, strumming through the last verse before he reached the altered chorus, bringing his emotions to an all time high. He sneaked a quick peak at Julie, her eyes closed as the tears continued to spill.

If I could turn back time,

I’ll go wherever you will go

If I could make you mine,

I’ll go wherever you will go

I’ll go wherever you will go

And with the last strum of his guitar, the final note softly fading into the quiet of the studio, Luke shifted for the first time since he started playing her the song. He gently moved the guitar from his lap, placing it against the side of the sofa. Turning back around, he then fully enveloped the other half of his soul in his arm, bringing her even closer to her rightful place in his heart.

FIN

[heauxplesslydevoted]

And They Were Roommates (Bryce Lahela x MC)

Summary: A surprise leads to a major shift in Bryce and Casey’s relationship

A/N: Eeeek, this is my first time ever writing a Bryce x MC fic! The day you guys see me writing something not Ethan centric is the day you should play the lotto because it’s more rare than a unicorn sighting.

Anywho....please enjoy!

Tags: @drakewalker04 @canknot @lapisreviewsstuff @senseofduties @maurine07 @badchoicesposts @ermidc @sundaescreamcheese @danijimenezv @starrystarrytrouble @the-pale-goddess @gogotomago95 @have-aheart @aworldoffandoms @zaffrenotes @anotherbeingsworld @to-fangirl-or-not-to-fangirl @nazariolahela @the-unconquered-queen @writinghereandthere @omgjasminesimone @parkerattano @silent-storms-posts

~v~

“Okay, are we going out to lunch?” Casey asks, twisting her fingers into her skirt. From the passenger seat of Bryce’s car, the bustling streets of Boston fly past her. A tendril of her curly hair whips around in the wind, settling on her lip as it sticks to her tacky lip gloss. Bryce is a freaking speed demon and drives too fast for her liking.

But she does like looking at him when he’s behind the wheel. His grip on the wheel is relaxed, much like his posture, slouched low in the seat, right hand drumming against the gear shift. While it’s still winter, the sun is shining brightly, making the highlights in his hair and the light dusting of freckles adorning his nose stand out. Her boyfriend—even thinking that word makes her giddy—makes a pretty sight to behold.

“No, that’s not the plan. But we can go get food once we’re done,” Bryce answers..

“Ice skating?” Casey guesses. She watches as he shakes his head. “But ice skating sounds so fun.”

“We can go ice skating some other time, Case.”

“We’re going to the movies?”

Bryce chuckles. She’s been trying to guess all morning what he has planned for the day, and despite getting every single guess wrong, Casey comes up with another one at the drop of a hat. The persistence is admirable. “You’ll find out soon enough. Stop being so nosy.”

Casey pouts, feigning hurt. “I resent that! I prefer to be called naturally inquisitive. It makes me sound smart.”

“You’re nosy,” Bryce deadpans. “But don’t fret, we’ll be there in like, 5 minutes tops.”

He’s been excited from the moment he told her to get dressed, and Casey can see that his leg is bouncing up and down underneath the steering wheel. Whatever he has planned, he’s really excited about it, so Casey decided to keep quiet and enjoy the rest of the ride.

They enjoy the rest of the short ride, Casey scrolling through Bryce’s different Spotify playlists until she settles on the perfect song, but he’s pulling in and parking his car before she can even hit play.

An apartment complex was not what she was expecting to see. It’s a very nice apartment complex, located a few blocks away from Boston University. Casey can see the college students milling around, some adults walking their dogs, a few older more established couples, some with kids, some without going in and out of the building.

Now her curiosity is piqued. Is Bryce dragging her along to some surgeon friend’s apartment? Is this his idea of a Saturday adventure? Granted, he never promised her an adventure, just a surprise, and while she likes most of his surgical cohort, she’d rather be doing something else. Nonetheless, Casey doesn’t say anything, letting Bryce intertwine their fingers and lead her through the building.

They ride up the elevator in silence until they reach the 4th floor. It isn’t until Bryce reaches into his pocket and pulls out a key do the alarms go off on her brain. “Bryce? Did you–”

“I got a new apartment!” Bryce exclaims, cutting her off. “Surprise!”

Once the door is open, he’s pulling her in, his excitement palpable. Casey looks around the place. It’s unfurnished, the hardwood floors beneath them bright and freshly waxed. And even though she hasn’t looked around, she can already tell it’s much larger than his current 1 bedroom.

“Oh...wow,” is all that manages to come out of her mouth.

“I know! It’s in Keiki’s school district, thank god. And it’s a brand new unit, all stainless steel appliances, marble and quartz countertops, which are apparently huge deals when you’re apartment hunting. In-unit washer and dryer, walk-in closets, there’s a gym and a pool downstairs, a game room–”

Casey watches him as his animatedly rattles off all of the features in the apartment. His face is flush, pink with excitement, his words are breathless and tumbling out of his mouth all at once. She takes a step forward, cupping his face between both hands. “Bryce, I think you should stop and breathe.”

The command makes him flush hard, now from embarrassment. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine. You can continue now.”

“That was pretty much it. The main draw is that it’s a two bedroom, two bathroom apartment, so I don’t have to sleep on the couch anymore. Now Keiki and I will each have our own space. Do you think she’ll like it?”

“Will the 15 year old girl like having her own room, and not having to share a bathroom with her older brother?” Casey nods. “Absolutely. Keiki is a lucky duck.” She takes a few steps further into the apartment, silently appraising it. It’s beautiful from what she can see, and she hasn’t even seen the bedrooms. “Question: how are you affording this place? You’re a surgical resident, living in Boston is expensive, and I’m pretty sure Sallie Mae is eating most of your paychecks.”

Bryce looks down at his feet, shuffling them back and forth much to Casey’s dismay. He’s going to scuff the floors doing that. “I uh...I talked to my parents.”

“When?”

“A little over a month ago, before I enrolled Keiki in school. I called my parents and gave them quite the earful about not contacting Keiki once since she’s been in Boston, and I kinda let them have it. Turns out I’ve been holding in a lot of pent up...stuff regarding my parents.”

Casey’s eyes soften at his confession. They hardly ever have conversations about his parents, and when they do, it’s never good. “You want to talk about it?”

Bryce shakes his head, memories of that conversation trying to bubble to the surface. His mother tried her hand at making awkward small talk as if they hadn’t gone years without talking, while his father said nothing at all. He bites the inside of his cheek, willing the bad memory to go away. Negative thoughts of his parents don’t need to invade this space.  “Nah, it’s not important.”

Resisting the urge to call bullshit, Casey simply nods. “Agree to disagree, Bry. But we’ll table it for now and just continue your story.”

He’s grateful that she’s willing to listen, but not pushy enough to force him to talk, leaving the ball in his court. “Long story short, I told them that Keiki is welcome to stay with me in Boston and I wouldn’t make it public news that they all but abandoned their daughter and drag social services into things, if they allowed me to be her legal caregiver.”

“Really?”

“Yup. So I can be in charge of her education and medical decisions while she’s out here. It’s less permanent than me filing her guardianship, and my parents still legally have rights, but it makes things easier. And because of that, my parents are giving me a pretty generous monthly allowance for all of her expenses. Housing, food, school supplies, the works.”

“So child support?”

“Pretty much, yes. I didn’t ask for it, but the Lahelas like to throw money at their problems. Some of that money goes towards the rent here, the rest I put in a savings account for Keiki. I’ll gift her the money when she starts college, so she’ll have a bit of a nest egg, and won’t be dependent on ramen noodles and the McDermot’s dollar menu like I was.”

Bryce shoves his hands into his pockets and looks at Casey, trying to gauge her reaction. “I know I dumped a lot on you, and you probably think I’m insane for taking all of this on but–”

Casey wraps her arms around his waist and cuts him off with a quick kiss. “If I could look at you with literal heart eyes right now, I would.”

“Really?” 

“Really.” She leans forward, resting her head against the solid expanse of his chest. The faint scent of his laundry detergent and his cologne invade her senses, and she relishes in it. He smells like comfort, if there was ever such a thing. “I can’t believe you accomplished all of this in such a short period of time.”

“Well my lease was up, and I was trying to get Keiki situated in school, and it all sort of fell into place at the right time.”

“Stop trying to downplay it,” Casey orders. “You are strong, and brave, and you take initiative in any situation. I don’t know too many 27 year olds that would spring into action and volunteer to raise their teenage sisters, all while being a resident and trying to juggle their own personal life.”

The way she says it, the awe and idolatry in her voice makes his stomach flip. Bryce considers himself to be a pretty self-assured guy. He has a healthy level of self esteem, but something about Casey praising him always causes him to short circuit, without fail. “You make it sound so much cooler than it really is.”

“It is cool,” Carey argues. “You’re doing a noble thing, so let me give you compliments you deserve.”

He doesn’t meet her eyes immediately, the bashfulness still holding him tight. Eventually, Bryce looks up at her, her expression open and earnest. “You make me sound so much better than I really am.”

Casey grabs hold of his sweater and tugs him closer, forcing him to crane forward and be at her eye level. “Mhmm, it’s a hidden talent of mine. I happen to be an excellent salesperson.”

Bryce smirks, their lips barely brushing against each other, and mumbles “You’re such a dork,” before capturing her in a kiss. Casey responds instantly, matching his eagerness and fervor. It doesn’t take long for things to get more heated, his tongue slipping into her mouth, hands going to grip her waist.

She breaks to kiss to inhale sharply. “You’ve lived here for 5 minutes and you’re already trying to defile the place.”

“Can’t help it. You make me feel like a horny teenager again, baby.”

“Well stop it.”

Bryce rolls his eyes. “You’re no fun.”

“Come on loverboy, show me around. Give me the grand tour.”

They wander around the apartment at a leisurely pace, Casey pointing out all of the different things Bryce could buy to furnish the place—“What do you mean you’ve never gone to Home Goods?”—and admonishing his idea to shop on Craigslist. He’s an adult, not a college freshman, and his home should reflect that.

“You want to know what the best part is?” Bryce asks, leading Casey back to their starting point, the living room.

“What?”

“Keiki’s bedroom is on the other side of the apartment, separated by a pretty sizable living room.”

He wiggles his eyebrows suggestively, and she shoves at his chest, laughing. “And? Are you trying to say something?”

“Yeah, that one of us—you—can be pretty loud at times.”

Her cheeks heat up and she blushes furiously. “Well I’ll make sure to keep it quiet on the nights that I sleep over.”

“What if you didn’t just spend the night over here?”

He instantly regrets the way he phrased that sentence because it sounds like he just told her he doesn’t want her in his apartment. Casey frowns. “What do you mean?”

“Sorry! That sounded weird.” He flushes, stumbling over his words. Something about Casey Valentine makes him very nervous. “That’s not what I meant, I promise.”

Bryce grabs both of Casey’s hands, holding them close to his chest. “Move in with me.”

Her eyes widen at the suggestion. He wants to do what? “What?”

“I spent all of last year tiptoeing around our relationship, trying to keep things light and breezy when I really didn’t want that. And it took you being in that...horrible accent for me to finally reveal the full extent of my feelings for you. Now that we’re together and official, I don’t want to waste any more time.”

“I would like to go to sleep with you every night, your ice cold feet pressed against my legs, and your curly hair tickling my nose because you’ve invaded my side of the bed. And I want to wake up to you every morning, because even though you think you look crazy in the morning, I think you’re absolutely beautiful. I want us to cook together every day, or just you because you’re a much better cook than I am.” Casey giggles at his jokes, which only spur him on further. “Besides Keiki, you’re the most important person I have, and I want you here with me, permanently.”

When Casey doesn’t say anything immediately, Bryce understands. He just dropped a bomb—a few bombs actually—right at her feet, she needs time to process. But the silence stretches until it grows into something long and uncomfortable, and a thin sheen of sweat forms at Bryce’s hairline. Did he just shoot himself in the foot? Did he seriously overestimate her feelings for him, and the nature of their relationship?

Before he can open his mouth to renege on the invitation, Casey speaks. “We’re going to have to talk to your landlord, or the property manager, because a new lease needs to be drawn up.”

“W-what?”

“I mean, I assume it’s just you and Keiki listed on the lease, and I don’t want to just be a permanent guest staying in your apartment. I want it to be our apartment, so I need to be on the lease agreement,” Casey explains. “And I know you said your parents cover most of the rent on this place, but I want to contribute, so I guess I’ll be in charge of the–”

She doesn’t get to finish talking because Bryce is on her in an instant, his mouth crashing into hers in a fiery kiss. His fingers dig into her hips, walking her backwards until her back bumps into the kitchen island. In a quick show of strength, Bryce lifts her onto the island, and Casey has to break the kiss to hiss. 

“Shit, that’s cold!”

“Sorry baby.” He’s not the least bit sorry, flashing her his signature smirk. “I’ll warm you up.”

“And you say I’m the dorky one,” Casey teases, laughing as Bryce kisses her between each word.

“You are,” he insists, kissing down her neck. She squirms away from him as his lips find a particularly sensitive spot, but he holds her in place. “We bring that out in each other.”

He kisses her a few more times, some softer than others, some so deep, she feels dizzy when he pulls away.

“We’re really going to do this?” Casey asks rhetorically. “This whole living together thing?”

“We are. I asked, and you said yes, so you’re stuck with me, little lady.” 

There’s a smile on his face, so huge, Casey really thinks he might blind her with his pearly white teeth. She hasn’t seen him this relaxed, this unabashedly happy in a while. She can’t help but to smile back.

“You have to let me have creative control on furniture and decorations though.”

“This apartment is going to look like a furniture store magazine spread.”

Casey nods. “It’ll smell like the inside of a Bath & Body Works store in here, too.”

“You’re going to go crazy on the candles, aren’t you?”

“Oh absolutely. They also have cute wall plug-ins.”

Bryce laughs. “I don’t care. You and Keiki can do whatever you want to the place.”

“Mhmm, now you’re talking my language, Lahela.”

They talk excitedly, basking in the fun that this new journey is going to bring their relationship. They don’t know how much time has passed when the conversation finally dwindles down.

“Hey, Bryce?”

“Yeah?”

“Can you let me down from here?” Casey asks, gesturing to the countertop. Bryce has her caged in, arms on either side of her. “Despite your best efforts to warm me up with a make-out session, this thing is freezing cold.”

“No one told you to wear a mini skirt like this in winter, you naughty school girl.”

“I resent that! This skirt is very cute, and it would’ve looked even cuter had you taken me ice skating.”

Bryce rolls his eyes. He’s gonna have to take this girl to the ice skating rink, and soon. He trails his hands up and down her legs, taking in all the goosebumps that have popped up on her smooth skin.

“You want to know where this skirt would look even better?”

“Where?”

Gripping the backs of her thighs, Bryce lifts Casey off of the countertop and into his arms. “The floor of our new bedroom.” 

[andersunmenschlich]

"Was I Abused" game

Copied and pasted from this post by @furiousgoldfish (to save space since you can't reformat anything in posts you reblog).

Is it accurate? Who knows! My memories of childhood are incomplete! Besides, a lot of these things seem frankly normal to me and not abusive at all... which, if they are abusive, is probably an especially bad sign. Hm. Anyway, on to the game!

Reblog and bold the things your parents have done to you! Italicize if you're not sure. (copy paste it all and then bold)

Physical abuse

parent slapped me to prove their point / teach me a lesson (I don't remember. It would have been loss of temper anyhow, not point-proving or lesson-teaching.)

parent spanked me as a “punishment” saying it was for my own good (Hey, I was raised full-on Michael Pearl TTUAC-style. This is foundational.)

parent pulled on my hair to force me to move

parent threw things at me while angry, things heavy enough to hurt me (Kind of? She and my sister were on my bed, top bunk. I was cowering on the floor. But I dunno if she was angry.)

parent trapped me in a room/corner so I couldn’t escape them (I don't remember. But I do know, in my very bones, that there was no escape from them. You couldn't run. You couldn't hide. And trying would only make things worse.)

parent hit me when I wouldn’t obey them / tried to confront them (To Train Up A Child, people.)

parent used a twig / stick / belt to lash at my body (Again—this is the Pearl technique. My parents broke a lot of wooden paint mixing sticks on me before discovering this whippy plastic rod about the thickness of a pencil! You could sharpen the end in a pencil sharpener, too. They had a ton of those, it seemed like. And a short one for trips outside the house; it fit in Mom's purse.)

parent grabbed me to force me to pay attention to them

parent pinned me down and physically prevented me from escaping (...Yeah. Again, this is the Pearl technique.)

parent brought me into situations where I feared for my life (I—look, it's not like the fears were rational or anything. It's just that the world is terrifying when you're autistic and so much hurts. And have been taught your whole life that "the world" is a terrible, dangerous place that can kill you both physically and spiritually. Yeah.)

parent made it painfully obvious for me that I’ll obey them or suffer injuries (I mean. TTUAC.)

parent threatened to beat me if I wouldn’t do as they say (This was the most basic part of my childhood. Like air. Under what circumstances would this not be the case? Unimaginable.)

parent forcefully fed me something I refused to eat (Does not letting you eat between meals, and putting the same food in front of you at each meal—over and over again until you either eat it or it grows mold—count?)

parent made an attempt at strangling / drowning / burning me

parent banged my head / body into the wall / furniture (To be fair, I hit him first. And it's not like I broke the table when his punch sent me across the room: I didn't hit it that hard. Just busted open the back of my head a bit.)

parent forced me into sexual activities

Emotional abuse

parent called me derogatory names and slurs more than once (Frankly, I'm still reasonably convinced that I am a monster. And evil. And I am definitely a fool, at least biblically speaking. "The fool says in his heart, 'There is no god,'" indeed.)

parent said my name mostly with hatred and scorn in their voice (To be fair, it was my name.)

parent degraded and humiliated me in front of others for fun

parent insulted and devalued something really important to me (I mean, in retrospect, it was dumb. Just a worthless paper model of a house, that's all. It wasn't even that great. I was a little kid, after all. So what if I'd spent all day on it? It was still garbage, really.)

parent deprived me of something that meant the world to me (I don't remember. I genuinely don't remember, but I still have trouble admitting that I care about anything because part of me is terrified that if anyone knows I like a thing they'll have a way to hurt me, and that fear has to have come from somewhere, right?)

parent yelled and swore at me in anger more than once

parent blamed me for things that were out of my control/not my fault (And they do feel bad about this now.)

parent shamed me for my physical appearance

parent guilt-tripped me for not pleasing them well enough (I mean, they tried. But good luck; I have no idea what guilt feels like. I bought a book about it because I was curious.)

parent regarded me as a burden, and shamed me for needing them at all (Hmm. I don't really do shame either. I was a burden, though.)

parent insisted I couldn’t take a joke after I was hurt by their insults

parent never comforted me / got angry if I reached for comfort (Again, to be fair: I'm autistic. I'm pretty sure they were just having trouble with my body language and facial expressions. Why else would they punish me for bad attitude when all I wanted was to be cooed at and fluttered over with the same concern they showed my siblings when they cried about their wounded knees?)

parent punished me for crying / showing fear / showing trauma symptoms

parent humiliated me for showing excitement and happiness

parent subtly let me know that my feelings and my problems don’t matter (They, uh. They don't. My feelings and problems are mine. Why should anyone else care? It's genuinely not their problem.)

parent got angry at me for feeling depressed / angry / tired / suicidal

parent blamed me for feeling depressed / angry / tired / suicidal (Who else's fault would it be? They're my feelings, produced by my body and brain, experienced only by me, in my own head. Dang if I see how anybody else could be to blame.)

parent compared me to cousins / other children to prove how I’m the worst (Dang you, Perfect Second Child. ... Although... in retrospect... that set-up wasn't great for you either, was it. Hm.)

parent decided for me how I feel when it was convenient for them

parent told me that I was crazy / delusional / need to be locked away (I don't remember. It sounds familiar. But I don't. I don't remember.)

parent threatened me with kicking me out / sending me away if I don’t change (Kind of? Does it count if you overhear your parents talking about it in their locked bedroom? Not their fault I was listening at the door, surely. They were genuinely considering it. I can't blame them. I was a terrible child.)

parent refused to accept my sexuality gender / tried to force it to change

parent required me to act normal to protect family’s reputation

parent isolated me from family activities they all enjoy (Nooo, haha, I did that all on my own.)

parent assured me that nobody will ever want me (I mean... "only a mother could love" is a saying for a reason. And if even my own mother couldn't love me, well! I don't remember whether anyone told me this outright. It just seemed... obvious.)

parent insisted that I was lucky and that I could have had it much worse (I could have!)

parent made me responsible for their well-being and made me the caretaker

parent insisted that their harmful acts were all done “out of love” (The subject of love was confusing. "I don't love you," "I hate you," "I have to love you because you're my child, so I love you—but I don't have to like you, and I don't, I don't like you at all" ...it was all very confusing.)

parent demanded I be available for their requests at any time (Well, yes, obviously. To Train Up A Child was very clear about this.)

parent punished me for trying to establish boundaries (Boundaries, boundaries. Hmm. Interesting concept....)

parent destroyed my belongings as a form of revenge (Revenge? I don't know. Consequences, I think it was. For keeping all my favorite toys on my bed, and nesting in them. So obviously they had to be thrown onto the floor. And at my head. Ahaha.)

parent made inappropriate sex jokes and comments in my presence

parent denied doing any of this and insists that all the blame is on me (I'm not sure they aren't right, honestly. As previously noted, I am a horrible person, and I was even more horrible as a child.)

Psychological Abuse

parent kept pointing out my flaws as proofs that I won't achieve anything (Mmm... was it them, or was it me doing this? Seems like they were always telling me how intelligent I was, how talented, how much promise I had. The voices asking why wasn't I doing anything, why couldn't I use the gifts God had given me correctly, why was I wasting it all, I'm the stupidest smart person ever, garbage, can't do anything right, etc., seem to have always come from my own mind.)

parent called me stupid, incompetent, ignorant, while withholding information that I needed to know in order to complete tasks

parent would change their side of the agreement at a crucial moment and then pretend it was obvious from the start

parent stalked me / distrusted me without any reason / invaded my privacy (I'm really not sure. What privacy? A four-bedroom house with twelve people in it has very little room for privacy. And if you have nothing to hide....)

parent attacked my insecurities and vulnerabilities in any argument (Dad's always been very good at this. It's his emotional intelligence, I think. Never been much of a cryer, but he can do it to me every time!)

parent forced me into degrading actions while they watched

parent threatened to leave me

parent regularly accused me of behaving the way they did

parent never acknowledged, praised or approved of my actions

parent always demanded they be acknowledged as right without any proof / explanation (Sort of? They had explanations. It's just that those explanations were often terrible. Not that my parents were aware of that.)

parent insisted that they’re a great parent using financial support as proof

parent insisted that I should be grateful for how good they are to me (Keeping me safe from the world! The evil, dirty, disgusting world, full of immoral monsters! Oh, the horrible things that could happen to me without their protection! ...Which is not entirely untrue, I guess. But... I dunno....)

parent gaslit me and tried to make me believe my memories weren’t real if I confronted them with what they did

Neglect

parent didn’t notice I haven’t been eating properly (Frankly, I preferred that. I never much cared for being forced to eat things that made me feel sick.)

parent didn’t notice I was sick / didn’t care for me while I was sick

parent didn’t notice I was injured (Eh. After the first few years of my life, that suited me just fine.)

parent didn’t notice I didn’t have clothes / shoes I needed for school (I didn't go to school.)

parent didn’t notice I suffered from trauma (Look, it's—it's the autism again, okay? Living in a world that hurts you horribly at unpredictable moments is traumatic. I didn't know it was trauma. I just thought it was life. So how could they have known?)

parent didn’t notice I was anxious and stressed (Oh, they noticed that.)

parent didn’t notice I was depressed (Once again—I didn't realize. So how could they? I'm really not sure this counts.)

parent didn’t notice I was cutting myself (Whipping myself, actually. With tree branches. Until the skin broke. Hmm, that was when I was in my early teens, though—as a kid I used to turn a little wooden rocking chair upside down and throw myself into the sharp ends of the rockers. To be fair, they might have noticed. Just... who really cares? I was a rough and tumble kid. Scrapes and bruises and cuts and what-have-you were to be expected. Anyway, there was no cutting; I never cut myself.)

parent didn’t notice I was suicidal (I wasn't. I'm not. I won't be. Mind over matter. Ha.)

parent didn’t notice I was being sexually abused

parent didn’t notice I was being bullied

parent failed to get me medical attention when it was needed

parent failed to teach me the very basics of self care

parent didn’t seem to notice any of my needs and feelings except the absolute minimum I required to survive (Uh. Anything more than the absolute minimum you require to survive isn't a need. You need to survive. Do you really need anything else? I mean, it's nice, a definite plus, but....)

when I notified them of these things, they denied it, accused me of lying, decided it wasn’t happening and/or blamed me for it

Financial Abuse

parent made me feel ashamed for needing money

parent made me feel like I was a financial burden to them (But I was. Come on, now. There's no way honesty counts as abuse. ...Is there?)

parent only gave me minimal money to survive (I don't—there were kids out there getting money from their parents? I mean, they're giving you clothes, food, and shelter already. What for would you need money? I must be missing something.)

parent made sure I never have a decent amount of money on me (Again—I never had that much money. Quarters from the Tooth Fairy: that was it. Money from birthday cards or whatever went in the college fund under their bed. "For your future." And I raided that stash later to buy books anyhow.)

parent took the money I earned from me

parent used the money to blackmail me (if you continue this way let’s see who will pay for your bus ticket!)

parent insisted since they “pay for my stuff” they have the right to control my behaviour and actions (and attitudes. Is this, um. Is this not true?)

parent had enough money for luxury but kept me without anything

parent refused to get my medicine / get me medical attention because it’s too expensive while they got everything for themselves (Nah, they didn't visit the doctor either.)

parent would keep me anxious over if they would pay my expenses or not

parent would make me do as much work for them as possible before they would pay for a necessity

parent kept me in the dark over family finances even when I was of age (Was that them, though? Or was that me? It's difficult to know what's going on with your money when you can't go outside during the day—so no bank visits—and you don't have the password to your bank account because you never asked for it, so you can't do anything online. Which was just as well, because my laptop was... not great. Almost certainly terribly insecure.)

parent would make sure I never have enough money to escape them

If you bold more than 5 things, you have been through abuse. For some particular ones, even one true thing on this list means you’ve been badly harmed by your parents. Also this list is not complete, there are many more abusive behaviours not listed here, feel free to add!

[atsunflower]

Semi Eita x Reader

Rated: SFW — Angst, cursing, traffic accident, injury descriptions, slight mentions of anxiety and post traumatic stress. 

Word count: 2070

Author notes: and here is the second part of our F.L.Y collab. I want to thank all the girls from Knights of the coconut and in particular, both @mooshua and @neonghxst who were pretty patient with me and helped me a lot throughout this process. You guys are amazing and I can't thank you enough. I guess that's all. Please enjoy your reading!

F.L.Y Masterlist

If this can no longer resonate/ No longer make my heart vibrate/ Then like this may be how/ I die my first death

He felt suffocated as the breath hitched on his throat.

Staring at his hands, the male recalled how said limbs brought the best time of his life:

A setter position at Shiratorizawa Volleyball club.

A desk job at the public department.

A promise as a rising star along his band, under a label with a contract too good to be true.

Roaming through his memories, he remembers that every single one of his  achievements were accompanied by lights:

The reflectors on the court.

The white lamps from his office.

The blinding lights from the stage.

Once had he everything he wanted. Now it was all out of his grasp — And lights, very similar to the last ones, now plagued his thoughts.

After all, he remembers when they blinded him before the car came crashing onto his body. Chills ran down his spine every time he recalled how the headlights of the vehicle were the last thing he saw before blacking out.

All it took was one second and then, a month at the hospital that turned into a lifetime of pain — it took only an accident for his life never be the same again.

"Maybe this is what they call first death" He muttered to himself, the words tasting bitter in his mouth as he took on his surroundings.

The constant tapping the secretary made on the keyboard left his nerves on edge and, added to the sterile scent hanging on the air, it felt like a reminder of the folder that sat heavy on his lap. In addition, the curious, pitying, eyes trained to his figure did nothing to soothe his anxiety.

Well, it's not everyday you see a rockstar sitting in a clinic waiting room, after he almost died, the man mused in distaste.

"Semi Eita?" The voice called from the door across the lounge. There, a male stood eyeing him as he made his way to the office.

The room was spacious, with a desk, cabinets, a stretcher and some anatomic models. A typical physiotherapist office, he guessed — not like Semi had ever been into one before, though.

"Make yourself comfortable, Semi-san" The brunette said as he organized some papers on the desk surface "I see it's your first time here. I'm Ennoshita Chikara, the physiotherapist who will take care of your condition from now on" They both shook hands as Semi sat on the chair. He cursed internally as he felt no force on his right hand.

"So, what brings you here today, Semi-san?" Ennoshita asked, eyeing Semi's right hand.

The grey haired male gulped before handing the folder to the physiotherapist.

"Here, this is the medical report. Shirabu-sensei made sure to specify everything regarding my hand." The brunette hummed before taking it. Semi couldn't muster up the courage to talk about his condition.

"I know, Semi-san. But I need to hear it for the history taking and you may know acceptance can help you through the recovery process" The apologetic tone made him sick.

"I don't want to talk about it. Could you please just proceed with the therapy?"

"Look, I know it's a sensitive topic but—" The therapist was interrupted mid sentence when Semi stood. The chair screeched on the floor at the sudden movement before the male tried to snatch the folder from the other.

Tried. 

The paper sheets scattered on the floor, since he couldn't take a proper grip on them.

Tears of frustration welled up on his eyes, as he murmured a meek apology only to storm out of the place.

Semi Eita felt the pitying eyes following him all the way back to his house.

At home, he felt in peace.

No sympathetic gazes and no condescending words. Just him alone with his own demons.

I need a bath. And a beer, the gray haired man decided as the weak hand carded through his hair locks. He flinched at the touch, feeling how dull it was — tactless, even. Just a bundle of flesh and bones hanging from his wrist. Nothing like it used to be.

Ignoring the pang on his chest, the man walked through the corridor. By his left, he saw a shining glass door and immediately, a sensation of longing crawled up his spine and clawed at his heart. He opened the tinted surface, entering the room.

The music studio was the same way he left on the accident day: the gray hoodie thrown over the chair, the paper cups of coffee scattered over his desk and the Moleskine with the lyrics he wrote that night. They resembled three months of hard work and the whole place, a sanctuary built of his dreams.

Too bad the room now felt like his own private purgatory.

Running his index finger over the notebook's leathery spine, memories invaded his mind. Regret gnawed on him even though he wasn't at fault — well, who would have predicted that going to get cigarettes late at the night would end up in a near-death experience? Who would've guessed that, on the way back to his condo, a drunk fucker would hit him with his car and vanish from the scene, without calling an ambulance?

If the medical help came sooner, would things be different? He often wondered, even though he knew it couldn't be helped. His friend, doctor Shirabu, said the damage on his arm was too extensive with a chance of recovery little to nonexistent. His heart stopped beating when he heard those words.

Looking back at it, Semi Eita regretted getting out of his house for such a trivial thing. Before, the musician had his dreams to push him through. Now, all he had left was a medical report — written in a horrendous handwriting, if he may add — stating that patient Semi Eita suffered a minor brain damage and multiple broken bones that caused a lower motor neuron syndrome with wallerian degeneration on the median nerve of his right arm — he didn't understand a shit about the medical terms, but he knew it was bad. Well, it's not like paralysed fingers in the form of 'the hand of benediction' could be a good outcome of an accident.

Benediction? More like a curse, he scowled.

Snapping out of his internal turmoil, brown orbs wandered over the music studio, eyeing all his equipment, as the man drowned on the nostalgic feeling.

On the far corner of the room, white tiles smiled at him — Though, it wasn't a sign of sympathy: in the far corner of the room, the black piano was smiling in mockery, as if it laughed at him, knowing his condition.

You'll never play again, The piano said

"I know!" He retorted.

Your career is dead, the piano chanted.

"I know!"

So pitiful, it snickered — and that was the last straw before despair washed through his body.

Semi spotted the electric guitar by his left. Grabbing the instrument by its neck, he threw it at the other. The wooden body crashed onto the keyboard, the ivory keys agonized at the violence.

Not that he cared, though. He was hurting a lot more than the piano did.

And the tears running down his face were proof enough of it.

Absorbed in his self-conscious state, he didn't see you entering the room, eyes roaming over the mess he made.

"Oh my, Eita!" And his body crashed into yours, sobbing uncontrollably. 

"Eita, love" You said softly, testing the waters.

"Get out" He pleaded weakly, both of you still slumped over the carpet of his studio. Your boyfriend stopped crying long ago, but sorrow still covered his face.

The sight was heartbreaking.

"You know I won't" You said, holding him tighter.

"[Name], get the fuck out!" He said an octave louder, pushing you away "The last thing I want now is your pity. And I don't want you to see me like this, either" Ever the proud man he was, hatred laced his voice — and even though you knew it wasn't directed at you and that he didn't mean it, it still hurted.

"I won't leave you. And I don't pity you" You sincerely stated.

"So why the fuck you're looking at me like this?" Hazel irises squinted at you, the hands clutching your shoulder tightened their grip — the hold on your right felt a lot more stronger.

"I'm worried" And then, he laughed.

Hysterically.

Almost scaringly.

"Why waste your time, huh?" You tried to retort, he beated you to it.

"Why bother with a failure for a boyfriend, hm?"

"Eita"

"What's left to you, huh? I bet you're leaving me now that my fucking career went downhill and I won't be famous anymore" The venom of his words scorched your ears.

Throwing insults at you, Semi didn't measure his words and nor did you measure your actions. A second after, all the two of you felt was the stinging flesh.

Of your hand.

Of his cheek.

"So you'll just sit here and cry?" You grabbed him by the collar, eyes boring into his "Shirabu himself said there was a chance. Are you giving up this easily?"

"Shirabu said there was a slight chance" He corrected you, saliva was sprayed over your skin when he screamed at your face.

"And you'll just take it, giving up without a try?" You were so done. The Semi you knew wasn't a spineless man who gave up so easily.

"You don't know how it feels!" He cracked again, the cry went past his mouth, wavering on the air. Your features softened as your hands moved upwards, cradling his face.

"I don't" The words came ragged "But please, don't give up without pulling out a good fight. You're not acting like yourself"

"It's just so hard. You don't get how empty I feel" The man before you was nothing like your Eita.

"For fuck's sake, Eita. Try the surgery and if it doesn't work, wait for the physical therapy results. If it still doesn't work, learn to play with the other hand, goddammit" You leaned onto him, joining your foreheads "Just don't give up. Back to our Shiratorizawa years, you said you wanted to rely on your own strength to show you abilities, because you desire to do things were always too strong. You prided yourself for being free when showing off, then why are you letting this situation hold you down?"

"It's hard. It's like I'm dying, but feels much more worse than that" Words came in a whisper, still reluctant to consider the options.

"But did you die? Did your talent die?" You lightly shook his body, trying to infuse some energy into it "Did you, all of sudden, forget how to make music?" And he saw determination painted in the hue of your irises.

"But—" He tried to argue.

"No buts, even if you can't play in the band, you can still be a producer. Don't let life reap your art away from you" You pleaded, hoping your words could somehow touch him.

Peeking into his face, you observed its features softening as you felt his muscles relaxing under your palms and your boyfriend reciprocating your loving touches.

Your heart was finally at ease.

"How come you always know what to say in the right time, even if it's cliché as fuck?" Eyelids covered the orbs you loved so much as the words were spoken in a serene mode. 

Semi Eita felt peace.

You tucked the broader body inside of your arms, caressing the lean muscles of his shoulders.

"There's a reason why, other than my pretty face, I'm your muse" He playfully scoffed at you, tightening the hold on your waist.

"Who said you are?" You ignored his words, paying attention to the hair locks under your chin "[Name]?" He started uncertain.

"Hm?"

"You're right. Guess if I didn't die in the accident, it's only fair if I don't let my life as an artist go away either" His soft-spoken words meant everything to you.

Relief washed over you as your heartbeat increased in your chest. But the most important was how you could feel Semi's heart beating again.

I'm in my workroom, it's my studio/ The waves go darkly by in a throe/ But I'll never get dragged away again

Taglist: @anseoo @keiijiis @inarizakikoukou @deerixiie @bristil @maramalademadara @thedreadthreadanomaly @catharsisbabey @aprettyfruit @ttsukii @chasekudo @kenmashoe @daijoubuyuki @krusty-cheetahs @ohmythatmiya

[jinterlude]

Mik’s Follow Forever

↳ Resource Credits: Seokjin | Floral PNG 

Hi and hello everyone! Wow. Can we just take a moment to appreciate that we survived the shit storm that is 2020? Ranging from the pandemic to politics to social injustice happening around the world, we manage to stay resilience to the say the least. With that said, I wanted to finally acknowledged that I hit a big milestone as of November (?) or was it September (?) [I don’t even know anymore LOL😂]! Before I get into my letters underneath this cut, I wanted to say from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much for following me! Even though, I post once in a blue moon, and my blog is run on queue 24/7, you still hit that follow button! For that, thank you so much for giving my blog a chance, whether it’s for the multi-fandom content I reblog or my very own creations, something made you stay 💙 Alright let’s get to the personal letters 💌 

To Jey @softjeon : 

Jey. Honestly, where do I begin with you? The End. Just kidding! Damn. I can’t believe you’re one of my oldest friend on this website. We have had our ups and downs, but our friendship always manages to come out strong in the end. You and I always manage to be on the same wavelength in terms of story telling, talking about everything and anything, or just shooting some random ass, extreme ideas that manage to go to the WIP pile in our brains. While, we do not talk as frequently as we used to (I blame school + internship on that part), I just know that I can always go to your DMs whenever I need someone to talk to or if I want to randomly bug you. You my hardworking queen is a force to reckon with, and I am forever in awe of your work ethics. Like who can simultaneously run 20+ blogs? You. That’s who. Granted, knowing you, there’s some tears and sweat (mainly tears with that), but the finished product is worth it in the end. I honestly can’t wait for the day when we have our own apartment, and we can just sit in silence in our living room couch with our fur babies. Can’t wait to see what 2021 has in store for you and know that I’m cheering you on every step of the way (whether it is in silence or vocally). Love you, Queen Jey! 

Signed, 

Your first wife, Kimi 

p.s. thank you for giving/helping me with the idea of creating KWW and creating our seasonal themed headers (all while promoting girl groups)! Seriously, thank you for being and staying in my life. T-T

To my fellow BHQ Admin/Mod Team [ @chillingkoo @/guktro @mygsii @dee-ehn @nightowls388 @yoonqiful @taerseok   @btsxdoll @minloop @namluve ​ ]: 

What can I say except this is an amazing team to be part of in terms of Networks? The Head Admins Vivi, Gray, & Renae are like the board of directors that help make sure that the operation runs smoothly. Then, us Admins (Danica, myself, & Daria) are like the VP’s followed by the amazing Mods (Beezy, Penelope, Daija, & Dani) are the Supervisors/Managers of each division. What I am going with this business analogy is that BHQ is nothing without the amazing team members that make up the network, and I am grateful to be part of a cohesive team where I truly felt like I was with Gray since the beginning of the network establishment. It is thanks to this network (BHQ) that I learned how to run my own network more smoothly and professionally. I can’t wait to see what 2021 has in store for BHQ. Thank you for being amazing and wonderful people and just being a rock for the members during the major events that occurred throughout this year. You’re the best! 

- Mik

To my fellow KWW Admin/Mod Team [ @queen-of-himbos​ @atiny-piratequeen​ @sugarcookiesandsins​ @meraki-mark​ @samuelkimz​ ]: 

First, can I say to the fellow admins, thank you for keeping me sane and helping me run this network while I was swamped with school + internship. Forever grateful of both you (Kes) and Fie for being a driving force and keeping the network afloat while I focused on my school work. It is no secret that I had confrontation, so I’m thankful that either Kes or Fie agrees to being the enforcer and messages someone for me T-T Also, Kes, thank you so much for taking over the coding/member page for me all while still doing the queue. I can never say this enough, but thank you for doing that. Fie, thank you for lightly slapping me and keeping me sane whenever I feel quick to jump the gun. You are there to help me see reason and point out things that I overlook a lot. (This is why I have Jey too lol) To my wonderful Queue-tie Pies! Thank you so much for dedicating a few hours out of your day to add content to the queue and keeping our blog alive! KWW is nothing without you amazing mods. I hope you all know that! Let’s kick butt together in 2021!

- Admin Mik 

To my fellow supportive and loving SIMPS [ @ppersonna​ @jinned​ @sunkissedjk​ @hongism​ @monotape​ @wintertae​ @dreamyhan​ @koophoriia​ @j-sope​ ]: 

First of all, how are you doing on this lovely Wednesday (well it’s Wednesday when I wrote & posted this lol)? I hope each and every one of you are doing fine! I feel bad that I haven’t been in touch lately uwu but I do silently stalk/lurk on the Bangtan University discord server or on your personal blogs (totally not weird whatsoever). I hope you all had a wonderful holiday! Now, simply put, I want to say that I’m thankful that you all came into my life this year. In some shape or form, you made my 2020 incredibly bright and filled with so much inspiration and passion for writing that I honestly believed that I would not get back. Whether it is by joining a collab with you all, simply talking about ideas or just in general, or even screaming about potential AUs, you made me want to write again. For that, I am extremely appreciative of it and know that I will forever be a silent cheerleader for you all! 2021 will be the year I invade your ask box a lot more and just scream how much I love you all! You are all rays of sunshine on this website!

- Owner of Mikdonalds, home of the famous Mikimchi

To Kat @yeoldontknow​ & Sarah @yehet-me-up​: 

First, long time and no talk! How are my resident EXO wives doing? Are Chanyeol and Junmyeon treating you ladies well? I hope so! Anyway, I honestly can’t not include you two ladies in my Holiday thank you post because how can I not include the two authors I look up to the most on this website. With how you write your characters, the scenery, background information on the reader/OC, you just leave me completely speech less whenever I finish reading your works. Ah, I might start tearing up as I write this section because I just can’t thank God or fate enough for allowing me to meet two of the most beautiful souls on this website. While we do not talk as frequently as we used to, I wanted to let you both know that I hope you had a wonderful Holiday! Whatever 2021 has in store for you both, just know that you have a silent cheerleader in good old CA! 

- Mrs. Kim Kim 

To every single one of my followers (mutuals or not): 

From the bottom of my heart, thank you so much, again, for following me and just staying with me. For my newly established mutuals, I can’t wait to talk and get to know you all in 2021! Granted, I suck at talking and keeping the conversation going, so I apologize for that. I promise I will be better!! I want more friends, okay! T-T 

Anywho...

TLDR: Let’s kick butt together in 2021! Also, I’m establishing my New Year Goal of that I will become more consistent of writing + posting content. Instead of once every blue moon, it will be once every full moon. See? That’s doable, right? Right?!

- Mik

[tiredb0igivemesugars]

Roadkill

Pairing: 💕established relationship💕 Peter Parker x reader (gender neutral)

Words: 1.4k

Warnings: Swearing, smoking and minor mentions of shooting

Summary: After spending the whole day training with the Avengers you are on edge, something pushes you over the edge and you storm off. Peter finds you upset, he listens as you pour your heart out.

Note: Sorry for being away for so long! My mental health hasn’t been that great and I’ve been focusing on a bigger writing project so I haven’t been able to post on here! Please enjoy this one!

Most of you had gone into the training centre around 6 AM. It was now 8 PM, everyone was tired and most of all, on edge. You had gone through everything from combat to weapons, while most of the Avengers had focused on two or three different things. Somebody decided that you should all pack up, but before that have a race through the different posts. You were beyond exhausted but agreed anyway. First, you went against Natasha, it was a tie. You watched and cheered as your boyfriend Peter raced against Steve, and surprisingly winning. Peter was much faster than Steve, and in your opinion won only because he half-assed most of the tasks. After Peter and Steve Bucky and Clint raced. Peter came to stand next to you, probably sensing your exhaustion. He squeezed your hand tightly as an ”it’s alright,” you glanced at your locked hands before looking up to Peter. He looked worried, you gave him a tight-lipped smile to signal that you were alright. You didn’t notice how Peter watched you, he saw how your eyes became empty, he saw how you began holding your breath. He felt how your squeeze on his hand became harder, all of this escalating and escalating. Peter wanted to stop you from falling into a pit in your head, but there was no time.

”Y/n! Y/n you race against Thor now!” Steve yelled at you. You flinched as you were pulled out of your thoughts. ”Wh-what?” You asked, not at all aware of what was happening. ”You race against Thor now, you’ve been training the whole day, you’ve gone through everything, so by logic you’ll win this big muscle guy,” Steve explained. ”I guess,” you muttered as you went to take your position. Thor took his place next to you. ”Get ready to get pushed out of the way, roadblock,” Thor teased. You knew that he didn’t mean it as you took it, but you couldn’t help it. It stung. ”Go!” Sam yelled, starting the race. You saw how Thor pushed past you, but you couldn’t give up yet. You caught up to him at the first station, laser dodging.

With Thor being as big as he was, you knew that it would take him a while to get out, you, on the other hand, slipped past the lasers like it was nothing, partially because you had noticed that they had a pattern and could probably do it with your eyes closed if you wanted to. When you had lifted your leg over the last laser, you glanced behind you to see that Thor had barely made it halfway through. Peter was cheering you on, you smiled at him before running to the next station. Target shooting. Just as you went to grab the gun you heard Thor come behind you. ”You were going to leave me behind, weren’t you? Well tough luck roadblock, get used to seeing my back,” Thor teased, again, you knew that he didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. Just breathe, just shoot the target and move on. You took deep breaths, trying to not pay attention to the fact that Thor was almost done. With shaky hands, you grabbed the gun and pointed it at the target.

You saw how much your hands shook, there was no way you’d hit anywhere close to the target. The hologram of a man came to life, your target. You fired once. A miss, a miss so badly you hoped that no one else saw where the bullet hit. You let out another frustrated breath, shooting again. Nowhere near. Tears of frustration prickled in your eyes, making it even harder to see. ”Fuck,” you said to yourself. Thor was probably already done and you couldn’t even make it to the third base, roadblock, always in the way. The hologram of the man came closer, too close to your liking, your left leg took a step backwards as you repositioned the gun. Three times you pressed the trigger in a row, not once hitting the target. 

”Roadblock just became roadkill!” Thor yelled victoriously as he apparently reached the finish line. You threw the gun on the table you had picked it up from and stormed out. You could hear how some of them chanted ”roadkill” over and over again, goddamn did it hurt. You walked out, as far out as you could go, into the elevator, up to the roof. You walked up the final flight of stairs since the elevator didn’t go all the way up. You burst through the door and stomped to the ledge. You slid down until your ass hit the floor. You began sobbing, the tears that had itched in your waterline finally came down with painful sobs that wrecked your entire body. You were so tired and so hurt. You pulled out a packet of cigarettes from a small hole in the ledge.

You had stashed a packet there when you first joined the Avengers, it held a lot of symbolism at that time to you but now it just kind of was there. You grabbed one of them and lit it with a lighter that was also stashed in the hole. You felt the familiar taste invading your mouth, your brain slowing down and your shoulders dropping. You remembered how you and Peter had snuck up here almost a year ago, he was so shocked when you had pulled the pack out. ”A-are you sure that’s a good idea?” He asked. ”I know it’s not but you’re only young once,” you giggled and placed one in your mouth. Then too, you had tasted the same taste, felt the same emotions, but now you were alone. The sobs had de-escalated into silent tears, making it easier to breathe. You tried to reason with yourself. How would you explain this to the others, would they even mention it?

”Y/n?” You heard a small voice ask from the door, Peter’s head peeked from the door. ”Hi,” he said, visibly nervous. He slowly opened the door, taking slow steps in your direction. ”Smoking again, aren’t we?” He said, now more relaxed. You didn’t answer, didn’t even look him in the eyes. ”Do you want to talk about it?” Peter asked as he sat down next to you, giving you a little space. You were silent, Peter too. You took another drag of the cigarette. ”I just felt overwhelmed. I was tired and it was a little too much,” you explained, belittling your emotions. ”There was more. I heard what Thor said, you went somewhere,” Peter said, voice soft. ”I was always in the way, my first instinct is always to find a wall to crawl against too. I’m a roadblock, I couldn’t hit the target, it kept coming closer and I shot at it but I couldn’t hit it,” you said. You took a pause to take a drag. Peter was still sitting next to you, he hadn’t walked away, he hadn’t gone on without you. ”Do you know what it’s like to always be in the way? Do you know what it’s like to be roadkill? I try to take as little space as possible, and then to be yelled at like that by my friends. It hurt so badly. I know they weren’t trying to hurt me but I was hurt,” you said. Your cigarette had burned to its end, leaving you feeling empty. Peter grabbed your hand to hold it in his. "They don't know why you're upset, but they understand that it's their fault. They're in the common room, all ready to apologise," Peter said as he held your hand as reassuringly as he could. "Are you ready to go or do you need a minute?" Peter asked as you hadn't answered him.

You wrapped your free arm around Peter, giving him a hug. Peter wrapped his arms around you, nuzzling his face into your shoulder. His hot breath against your neck made you relax, like this with Peter, it felt like nothing could go wrong. You released your arms to frame Peter's face with your hands, his eyes observed you. They looked like they had seen more than a man his age should've, which was probably true. You placed your lips on Peter's, offering him a sweet kiss, he responded by mirroring your movements. "I love you, Peter Parker," you said as you pulled away, resting your head against his. "I love you too," Peter said. "Let's go before they get too worried," Peter said, jumping up.

[takrat]

I hope its okay that ive stolen snazzy-suit's name for this... I wanna go ahead and share my take on the District 9 AU. Oh yeah spoilers for the movie

Irken/child shippers DNI (yes dib is older in this au but z*drs do not fucking interact)

District Doom AU notes under cut:

So its not a perfect parallel of the movie but roughly here are the character parallels: Dib is Wikus (son of Prof. Membrane the founder of PEG labs--"MNU" who's primary goal is researching the aliens for SCIENCE! and Dib desperately wants to be a part of it), Zim is Christopher (former Irken Scientist and lead Invader of his squad in Impending Doom I who were aboard the Massive before catastrophe hit), Gir is Oliver 😊, Skoodge is Paul aka the alien that gets shot early on in the movie but don't worry he's okay now, Gaz is here but idk she's just vibing on her own, oh that assistant guy to Wikus? Uhmm probably gonna be Dwicky or something

After an encounter with a Florpus Hole, the Massive is seriously messed up and finds its way to Earth, hovering over a miserable city, miserably out of fuel with dozens of miserable Irkens aboard. Its systems are horribly damaged so there is no contacting Irk for help.

At the very oldest Dib is 19 and the Irkens have been there for around 20 years, possibly only 15 or so?

Because the Massive's systems are all offline, theres no online PAK charging stations--after about ~20 years, the Irkens with standard issue PAKs are growing weak and dying off (Zim has an Invader's PAK--his charge can last much longer)

The Tallests are there basically in hiding. Purple hates earth donuts.

Dib is put in charge of Operation Eviction, moving the Irkens to a new district further away from the city because they are just so fucking ANNOYING nobody can stand them--while this isn't what he wants, he still goes with it because he hopes to study the aliens up close. It'll be the first time he's been allowed in District D--not just snuck in as a kid and either got kicked out by security or almost blown up

Zim and Skoodge have been collecting fluid from scattered Irken technology for many years, fuel for the Massive so that they may return to Irk and send aid (and also come back and destroy Earth)

Commence chaos and commotion--Dib finds himself with a dead Irken's PAK attached to his chest that is slowly turning him into an Irken. and also he confiscated the fuel which was taken to high security PEG labs

I cant believe they fucking killed skoodge

PEG doesn't have a large focus on alien weaponry like in the movie (they do have some, but studying the aliens and their tech in the name SCIENCE! is their whole deal)

Dib and Zim clash and have to end up working together. Dib is able to get them into PEG labs to get the fuel, Zim can get the PAK safely detached from Dib without killing him and reverse the side effects once they get aboard the Massive. There's a lot more character development and friendship that i just don't have the brain power to work out right now

Unfortunately Prof. Membrane is a bit less redeemable in this au.. hes more antagonistic but I really don't want to fuck my man up too bad cus I really like this guy. Hes not horrible, but he does see whats happening to Dib and wants to study him, reasonably though I think that comes across as very scary to Dib and he freaks out. So not entirely sure why Dib has to run away and seek refuge in District D, but I think he's just scared? Miscommunications with him and Prof. I'll flesh it out later whatever

They go to the Tallests' little hideout and Zim tells them his plan for saving them all.. they think he's crazy but send him and Dib off with some cool gear (probably hoping he'll end up killed or captured by PEG labs).

Zim is outcasted among the stranded Irkens because he's generally assumed to have caused the Florpus hole (yea it was him), but he's been desperately trying to prove himself and make up for it (and hes really the only one with any initiative to save them and return to Irk--everyone else is too stupid, hopeless, or cowardly).

They break in whatever. end up running into Skoodge who's kind of just been chilling in the labs and going through some boring experiments

"Skoodge? I thought the humans killed you" "Yeeeaahh but im okay now"

However, Skoodge exempt(?), there's been some Fucked up tests going on to captured Irkens and Zim is really angry and distraught. Dibs also freaked out--like yea he assumed the scientists were doing scary tests and in fact wanted to perform them, but actually seeing the results and how it effects Zim, and getting to know Zim and the Irkens as people, really snaps him to reality and how messed up what PEG labs is doing

Now this would be the end where Zim takes off in the Massive back to Irk and Dib ends up retreating to District D and ultimately transforming fully into an Irken.. but the au definitely doesn't end here. But I dont have the brain power to think any further. Let's see if District 10 ever really does come out like the directors promised

They get the fluid, escape, Zim gets the control module up and running God DAMMIT who is supposed to be that stupid bald military guy in this. That guy in the movie. Okay there's some guy ill figure it out later.

Zim was gonna just fix Dib up, leave him, and take off for Irk, but after finding out about what PEG labs has been doing with experimenting on his people, he has to use all of the fuel and get help as fast as he can, so Dib is left behind.

Anyway if anybody has any ideas im begging dont hesitate to share 🥺 ive also got a bunch of doodles for this? So if you think I should post them sometime let me know. I need to stop typing because my hands hurt now

[winterscaptain]

do you have a directors commentary for redamcy? it’s my go to fic when i’ve had a rough day

i love redamancy :’) thank you for requesting this one. it was such a gift to go back through this one and 

commentary in bold italics. 

“Hey, Aaron?” You peered around the wall to the bedroom from your place on the master bath toilet. There wasn’t any urgency to your query, which would later make you both laugh until you couldn’t breathe. 

Welcome to this installment of “Tali does the equivalent of voiceover commentary on her fics!” I had so much fun that I’m fulfilling requests on these whenever - all you gotta do is ask :) 

They’ll be a little slow because I like to take my time and I’m also writing other things, but this is a nice break because I don’t need to have original thoughts! Only recycled ones!

Alright so we start off here and I wanted this first establishing moment to give us another little window into their lives - they’re so settled after seven years of marriage and eleven years together and I wanted to emphasize that as much as possible. 

Aaron had a book in his lap and reading glasses resting on his perfect nose, as was usual for bedtime. He turned a page. “Hm?”

You know in marriage when you barely pay attention to each other? We’re there. 

“When you get to a good stopping point, can you grab the go bag?” 

“Yeah.” He got up on autopilot, setting his book down. When he got to the bedroom doorway, he froze and turned over his shoulder “Wait. Why?”

...And yet he’s so keyed into Mom it’s stupid. 

“Oh, nothing extreme,” you said lightly. “My water just broke and I figured we might -“

Fourth baby, third birth. The nonchalance couldn’t be any more extreme and Mom really cracked me up here - I didn’t really realize how casual she’d be, but she surprised me. 

(Also my father is a paramedic, and he delivered 27 (!!) babies in the back of ambulances, so I picked his brain for this whole process. I’m both proud of him and my close-to-accurate portrayal of childbirth in this fic)

Your name left his mouth in a laugh, and he trotted back to you, helping you up and kneeling to assist you with putting on your comfiest pair of pajama pants. You steadied yourself with a hand on his shoulder, stepping into one leg, then the other. Playfully, he snapped the stretchy waistband around you. He was still kneeling before you when he said, “You’re insane, you know that?”

You smiled down at him and scrubbed your fingers through his hair. He leaned into your touch like a cat and closed his eyes. “You are too, I’d like to point out.”

He just LOVES HER!!!! AHHH!!!

He sighed, kissing your belly and resting his cheek on it. “Never said l wasn’t.” He looked up at you. “Is it weird that I’m...a little sad? I’ve loved this part of our lives so much.”

This was my favorite little moment in this fic. My mom talked to me about this when I was on the phone with my dad going over the mechanics of childbirth (from an outsider’s point of view) while my mom offered her two cents about the internal processing and feeling of it all. She and my dad had a really similar moment after my little brother was born - they both knew they weren’t going to do this again, and it was kind of weird for them to acknowledge that. 

With so many kids, Elliot being the fifth, it was central to me to acknowledge that Elliot would be their last baby, and that from that point forward, their kids were always just going to get bigger - they wouldn’t have anyone new to introduce to their family after him. It’s kind of bittersweet, in a way. 

You shook your head. “Me too, my love. And no, it isn’t weird.” You sighed, and held his hands as he stood up and kissed your forehead. “We should probably tell Jack it's go time so he can help the little ones when they get up.”

Aaron paused for a moment, thinking. “Yeah, that’s probably a good idea. Isaac isn’t going to clearly remember last time, so he’ll probably be nervous, and this is totally new to the girls.” You reached up and he planted a kiss on your lips. You smiled, pleased. 

I remember being super nervous when my brother was born because I had no idea what was going on, and frankly I’m just as neurotic as Isaac and was about the same age. Thus, it went in!

A little contraction wave hit, and one side of your face screwed up in discomfort. 

Aaron kissed your cheek and said, “I’ll get the rest of the toiletries together.”

You nodded, and padded down the hallway, your socked feet swishing a little against the hardwood floors. You knocked twice on Jack’s door, quietly, and waited for his groggy, “Yeah?”

With access granted, you opened the door with a little smile, and Jack sat straight up. Privacy is important! Parents shouldn’t invade your shit!! AH!  You crossed to his bed and sat down on the edge, opening your arm to him. Though he was almost seventeen, he scrambled out from under the covers and tucked in close to you. 

I love a soft teenager. 

“Your dad and I are headed to the hospital, and Aunt Jess and Em are on their way okay? If you need anything big, dad has his phone and -“

“Mom, we’ve done this before,” he said with a grin. “I know the drill.”

You pushed the hair off his forehead and kissed him. “I know it, but it makes me feel better. The little ones haven’t done this before, and they’ll probably be a little nervous. Please help your aunts so they aren’t driven to the drink by your sisters.”

He laughed a little, and surprised you as he wrapped his arms around your shoulders and pulled you close to him. “Be safe, mom. I love you.” 

Tears pricked at your eyes, and you held him tight. “I love you so much, Jack.”

Jack will always be her first son. I’m searching for a place where she can say, in front of Aaron when someone asks if she has kids, “Yes! I have two boys.” and of course Aaron just melts. 

“Are you scared?”

You pressed a hand to the back of his head, and he burrowed into your neck. “Only a little. I know I’m older, which can make some things difficult, but I’ll always come home to you.”

He nodded. “Promise?”

“I promise as much as I can.”

Jack pulled away and swiped quickly at his eyes with the back of his hand. 

Baby is so concerned about losing another mom I just -

“Hey,” your brow crinkled in lighthearted concern. “What’s gotcha?”

He shook his head. “It’s stupid”

Jack is such a fucking lovebug I adore him and would squish him within an inch of his life if he was a real person. 

“I can guarantee you it’s not.” While still a bit of a boy, Jack looked very much a man in the dark, lit only by the light of the hallway as the wheels turned in his head. You picked up one of his hands, and he put your linked fingers over your belly. 

“I just - I don’t - Ugh. It’s morbid - Nevermind.”

You huffed a laugh. “Baby, remember that one third of this house hunts serial killers for a living. Nothing is morbid.”

A smile quirked at his lips, but it didn’t really reach his eyes. “Just be okay? Please?”

You sobered and nodded, pressing a hand to his cheek. “Jack, do you think I would ever put you or your father into a position that could result in leaving either one of your?”

He shook his head. “But things happen.”

If that ain’t the Hotchner family motto “Things Happen” or, for less mixed audiences, “Shit Happens and People Die.”

“They sure do. Your dad will be with me the whole time and he can send you hourly updates if you want. I promise promise promise you’ll be in the loop, baby. I know you like to know.”

Your son’s eyes flickered to the doorway, where a shadow appeared. It was Aaron, his backpack on and your go bag in his hand. 

“Ready?” 

The Three Musketeers :’)

You nodded, stood (not without effort), and pressed another kiss to Jack’s head. “I love you bud. I’ll see you when our plus one arrives.” 

The plan was easy: Emily and Jessica came over for the kids, and Dave and Spencer would relieve them after 12 hours. Derek, Savannah, JJ, and Will would only be called when the baby arrived, to save them the angst of prematurely wrangling the four children between them. 

The hospital was only eighteen minutes away, but with the way Aaron drove it was more like ten. Time was fairly important - with your body accustomed to delivering babies, having done it twice before, there was a very big chance active labor would only take a few hours. 

Emily and Jess pulled up to the house at the same time, both in their pajamas with their overnight bags.

I love the aunties. 

“Ready?” Jess asked, kissing your cheek. 

You laughed. “Don’t have much of a choice now, do I?” 

Emily set her things down and wordlessly hugged you. You wrapped your arms around her as best you could. 

“Walk me out?” You asked. 

I’m so excited for Reader and Emily to get closer after Derek leaves the team. I think that’s the next logical close relationship that forms from the original team. 

I need to add more with Matt and Luke, and I promise I will one day!

She slung and arm around your shoulders and you walked back out the front door. She situated you in the passenger seat, and you offered her a small smile. 

“You know,” she started with a bit of a laugh, “every single time I’m just as nervous as I was when Henry was born.” 

I LOVE Emily’s concern for those around her, and it’s such an undervalued trait in her that I wanted her and Mom to have a little moment together - just the gals. 

It was also important for me to remind everyone that Mom and Emily joined the team around the same time - 2007ish. The post-Elle era gave us The Girls™ and I think there’s such a special bond between people who join any workplace/team/family at the same time. 

You reached for her hand, and kissed the back of it. “Me too.” 

Everything went according to plan after that. You sat in the car with your stopwatch while Aaron packed the car, checking the car seat base and putting everything that needed to go up with you in the trunk. Jess and Emily were getting set up on the couches in the living room, ready to settle in for the night. 

You were uncomfortable, sure, but it wasn’t unbearable yet. This was the tedious part. 

Miraculously, none of the little ones woke up in the commotion. The magic of white noise machines was never to be underestimated. 

“Time?” He called from where he leaned into the back of the car. He was handling the last details, in full field operations mode. 

You turned around. “5 minutes, 15 seconds.”

The idea that they’re so used to delivering babies that there’s a whole system just made my heart explode. And if you think Aaron doesn’t go right into brisk, efficient, and I Am Ready™ mode, you’re JOKING. 

“Alright,” he looked up at you and grinned widely. “Let’s go, baby.”

He’s so happy :)

+++

Your doctor breezed in and checked your charts and your dialation. “It’s go, time, here I think, Momma.”

You sighed and readjusted. “Do I have to lay down?” Comfortable as you were, epidural all finished, you still felt a little restless. The alternative was worse - you’d delivered Isaac without any pain management, and thought it was the end of days. You didn’t make that mistake again. 

Don’t worry - we’ll get Isaac’s birth! That’s much more dramatic. Not only is he the first, but Mom got to the hospital too late for an epidural (we love working in the field until the LAST POSSIBLE MOMENT and then IGNORING LABOR PAINS. Mom went to the baby delivery school of Jennifer Jareau)

“Not necessarily, but if you’re going to shuffle around I would suggest a squat for the sake of your blood pressure.”

Another contraction hit, and it knocked the wind out of you. You squeezed Aaron’s hand so hard you feared you’d break it, and informed him for the third time that morning that you’d hated his guts. 

“I know, honey. I’m sorry. I know. I’m the worst. Just breathe, okay?” He pressed his forehead to your temple, giving you something to focus on. 

You might have told him to fuck off, but you weren’t sure. The wave crested and then fell, and you slumped back against the pillows. “Okay, maybe I do want to lie down.” 

My dad has so many stories of how tough my mom tried to be while having me, but I was 20 hours of labor and she gave up about three hours in. The insistence that she couldn’t stand him and wasn’t letting him anywhere near her ever again? That lasted the whole 20 hours. 

Everyone stifled a chuckle, but you didn't have it in you to be prideful. While you still had a few seconds, you figured you’d double check the plan. “Hey Brienne, we’re still good to tie today, right?” 

“Yes, ma’am!” Your OB said, way too chipper for the small morning hour. She spoke quickly, knowing she had to finish her thought before your next contraction. “Soon as we’re all done, we’ll do a really quick procedure and everything will be squared away. If, for some reason we have to do an emergency cesarean, we can do it right then as well.” 

Brienne had delivered both Isaac and the twins - she was a great obstetrician and never pulled punches when the news was difficult or stressful. Her straightforward nature immediately endeared her to your whole family. 

Yes her name is Brienne after Brienne of Tarth. Nope. I’m not original even a little bit!

It was too much to think about, seeing as another contraction was sneaking up on you. It felt like only seconds since the last one. You were so tired. 

Brienne gestured to Aaron. They had a bit of a language developed over the last two deliveries, and he pressed a kiss to your temple. “You gotta push, babe.” 

“God, Fuck. I hate you, Aaron. Goddamn you. I’m never letting you near me ever again. Fuck.” A stream of expletives continued to leave you when they could as you pushed and pushed and pushed. 

This was so funny to me and honestly Aaron is the best. Mom knows it. We know it. He’ll live. 

He only held your hand and reminded you to breathe and push. He also told you how much he loved you in between agreeing with your damning assessments. 

If he was honest, he always thought your ire during childbirth was hilarious. It was kind of his fault, and he couldn’t fathom the physical trauma of childbirth, so he figured this was a fair role to fill while you did the hard work. 

See? He’s fine. 

On a small trough in your final set of contractions, you caught your breath enough to ask for his other hand. This was the hardest part, and it always made you a little nervous. “Aaron, come here. Please.” He draped his arm around your shoulders, and you grabbed his hand where it hung by your collarbone. 

“You’re almost there, darlin’! We’re gonna be crowning here in a second.” You couldn’t see Brienne, totally locked into her task, but her update was a relief. 

You leaned heavily into Aaron and he rested his cheek against yours. While this was a shorter labor than both Isaac and the girls’, you were exhausted. Bone-deep tired and hot and cold all at once. 

This was another little cinematic moment for me. Just the two of them taking a tiny breather together, being close together, being spouses, being parents. And again, the understanding that this will be the last time they do this together. 

“You’re doing so well. You’re a superhero. I love you so much.” He whispered his words against you, and you wailed as another contraction hit.  Your choice of a walking epidural didn’t knock the pain out entirely and it still totally sucked. But again, better than the alternative.

“We’ve got a little Hotchner head! Keep going!” Brienne patted your knee and grinned at you, and you followed instructions. “Do you want to catch, Dad?”

Before he could answer, you said, “If you move, I’ll kill you,” through your teeth. I laughed. Aaron shrugged and looked over your head at Brienne, who suppressed a smile. 

There couldn’t be any blood left in Aaron’s upper extremities at this point. In the midst of actively disliking him and your presence in your life in that particular moment, you were so grateful for him you could cry. 

The dichotomy between hatred and love in this little section is something that eats me alive whenever I think about it. 

My mom once said to me, “There’s nobody I’d rather yell and actively despise at while bringing his kid into the world than your dad” and honestly? That’s love. 

Well, you could cry for a great number of reasons, but that was definitely one of them. 

A few minutes and a pretty bad time later, a strong cry filled the room and you let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding. Aaron released you as you unbuttoned your gown to expose your chest. 

 THE BIG MOMENT!!

“Your time to shine, Aaron.” Brienne held up the umbilical cord clamp and snapped it together twice. (Yes, like a dad at a barbecue with a pair of tongs) With a smile, he stood and rounded the bed. 

You tried to peer over to see, but you were only able to see Aaron and Brienne.

A smile ate up his whole face. “Hi!” His voice pitched up, and you started to cry. You just loved him so much your chest could just burst. Did I cry writing this? Yes. Absolutely. 100%. Aaron was always the first person to greet your children as they came into the world, and he never failed to deliver a warm welcome. “Right here, right?” He looked to Brienne, and she nodded. He cut the cord, and the nurse crossed the room for measurements. 

Aaron returned to you and removed his own shirt, ready to take the little one while you finished delivery. After his crew neck was thrown to the side, he gathered you up in his arms again. There was nothing you could do but melt into him. His skin was warm and he smelled good, whereas your skin felt clammy and you probably smelled like a horse’s ass. 

Can confirm. Mom smelled like a horse’s ass. 

Brienne’s voice came to you faintly from the other side of the room, iterating the specs of the newest addition. “Baby Boy Hotchner, 5:37am, August 13th, 8 pounds, 14 ounces, 21 inches.”

Coming up with these metrics was really fun - it was all purposeful for both the zodiac signs, and for his size as a rather large kiddo. 

Elliot shares a birthday with my best friend Phil, and I told him so. He cried. Then I cried. I didn’t expect him to be as touched as he was and it was so sweet. 

Okay I wasn't crazy. He’s actually huge. 

Aaron scooted even closer as you leaned away to get a better look. Brienne set the still-squalling infant on your chest with gentle, warm hands. Your eyes were blurred with tears. Aaron wasn’t any better off, keeping one hand on you and another on your son, his own tears tracking quietly down his cheeks. 

Aaron is soft for his kids! Aaron is soft for his kids! Aaron is soft for his kids!

Your son. 

Brienne sighed and said, “Alright, last bit here and then you’re done.” 

You nodded and Aaron took him off your chest, leaning back with one hand under him and one hand over him. Fluid and other questionable grossness be damned, he ducked his head and pressed his cheek to his son’s head, an ineffable joy radiating through his body. Aaron’s hands almost completely covered him - with his little knees tucked to his chest, he looked like an angry little loaf of bread. 

AARON IS SO BIG AND ELLIOT IS SO SMALL!!!!! Like imagine this - Aaron is so big that his hands almost cover Elliot entirely. I can’t. Oh my God. 

The afterbirth was the easy part, but then it was before, too. All the Hotchner kids were massive - even the girls were bigger for twins. You always made fun of Aaron for “ripping me to shreds, and not in a fun way” (“Hey!” “Okay, fine. Maybe a little in a fun way. Sometimes.”). 

There was a little more pressure, and you looked down at Brienne’s outline behind that infernal green medical paper shit. “How’s it going down there?”

“I’m getting these suckers tied off so we don’t have any more happy accidents. Don’t mind me.” 

This was the most fascinating part to talk about with my dad - he talked for so long about the process (now done by laparoscopic incision) of tying/clamping tubes immediately following childbirth. Basically, they look like those little flat, wired bread ties and they just go around the fallopian tubes and pinch them shut!

Aaron stifled a laugh and you rolled your eyes, still weepy. The nurse passed him a warm, wet washcloth, and he started gently wiping the ick from his son’s skin. 

Brienne finished up and helped you get adjusted with ice packs and that excellent postpartum underwear. When she was satisfied, she removed her gloves, and pressed a hand to your bare shoulder. “Beautiful work, momma. He’s perfect.” 

Every baby is perfect and every baby is simultaneously very ugly. Yes, it’s true don’t deny it newborns look WEIRD

You put a shaky hand over hers. “Thanks.” A little watery laugh left you. Ouch. “I’ll miss you.” 

And it was true. Brienne had been a semi-permanent fixture in your life for close to six years, and had become a friend. You wouldn’t have any reason to see her again. 

Looking back, this was a little silly. Mom would still see her annually for her gyn checkups, but it wouldn’t the same. I think that’s what I was trying to get at here. 

She squeezed your shoulder twice. “You ever need anything, you know who to call. Let someone know when you’re ready to put his name down, and they’ll finish off the birth certificate.” 

With that, she shepherded the nurse out the door, and you were alone with Aaron. 

“So,” you said. 

He smiled, his eyes still trained on the little body who had quickly quieted and was snoozing on his chest. “So?”

“Gimme that.” 

This moment made me laugh. I say this all the time, and my mom said this to my sister after she had my niece. My mom also cut the cord for my niece because my brother-in-law got a squicked out about it lmao 

His laugh was warm, and he placed little one on your chest again. You prodded him awake, feeling only a touch bad about it, and offered him a snack. He latched right away, and you tipped your head back in sheer relief. 

“Thank God.” 

Aaron nodded in agreement. “That’s one less thing to worry about.” He shook his head, as if shaking something off - no doubt remembering the meltdowns night after night trying to nurse Isaac. 

The ANGST that can come with breastfeeding...ridiculous. 

Little one was still naked to the world, so you pointed at the little blue blanket folded across the room. “Can you grab that for me?” 

Aaron just looked at you for a second, as if seeing you for the first time. Did I cry writing that line? Yes.  “Of course.” He crossed the room and threw the blanket over his shoulder and grabbed a diaper. While little one was distracted, he deftly maneuvered the diaper into place and draped the blanket over him to keep the chill off while maintaining skin-to-skin.

More moments of “This is totally normal” that I can’t get enough of. They understand each other so so well, and they are completely tuned in to each other. 

You pulled the blanket back a little so you could see his squishy little face. “Can you call Jack?” 

“Do we want to call him now? It’s pretty early.” Aaron leaned over to his backpack and pulled his phone out, finding a couple requests for updates from Jess. First things first, he turned the camera on you, and you gave him a thumbs up. You detached the little one from your nipple for a second, framing his face with the blanket. Aaron got a good photo of a yawn and fired both pictures off to the BAU group chat before checking Jess’s messages. 

4:12am How we doin? 4:18am Jack’s up with me. He can’t sleep. Em is dead to the world - she gave up about an hour ago. Give us an update when you can. 

6:02am He’s adorable!!! He’s got your nose though, which is unfortunate. 6:02am Kidding. Maybe. 

That made Aaron laugh a little, and he looked at you. “He’s up with Jess.”

You nodded. “Go ahead and call him. He’ll worry, honey.” 

He nodded, and dialed the second number on his speed dial. Jack picked up on the first ring. “Dad?”

Again, I’m a sucker for teenagers who love their parents. 

“Hey, bud.” Aaron couldn't hide the smile in his voice. “Your brother is here and your mom wants to talk to you.” 

“Can I come see you?” Jack’s voice wavered a little, and Aaron knew it was relief he heard, rather than anxiety. Much like his son, he was more than a little concerned for your safety. Now that it was over, he could finally relax. That alone was enough to make anyone emotional. 

CATHARSIS, BOYS! 

Aaron checked his watch. “Are you too tired to drive?” 

“No, no. I’m good. I slept a little after you guys left.” He was quiet for a second. “Can you hand me to mom?”

“Sure, bud.” Aaron nodded at you and you smiled. He started to pass the phone over to you then -

“Oh, dad?” Jack’s voice was only a little urgent. 

Aaron pulled the phone back to his ear. “Yeah?”

“I love you.” 

Did I cry throughout this WHOLE section? Absolutely. 

“I love you too, bud. I want to talk to Aunt Jess when you’re done with mom, so don’t hang up, okay?” With that, he handed you the phone and fresh tears rolled down your cheeks. You knew this part came in waves - the emotions. Your hormones were in shambles, and you forgot how intense it was every time. 

“Hey, Jack.” 

“Are you okay how did it go what happened?” All the questions came out in a rush.

You chuckled. Ouch. “Slow down there, kiddo. We’re just fine. It went really smoothly, but the last part happened kind of all at once and I denied your father personal freedom and geographic agency, so we didn’t get a chance to update you.” 

He laughed, and it warmed you. “It’s okay. I’m really excited to meet him.” There was a shuffle, and you assumed it was his keys. 

Baby boy was done eating, just nosing around your chest at this point. You shifted, and Hotch caught the phone and held it to your ear so you could use two hands, They are so in-tune I just - bringing little one’s head right under your collarbone, tucking him up again. “He’s excited to meet you, too.”

After Aaron had a chance to debrief and game-plan with Jess (“If you bring the little ones over here before 10am, nobody will have any fun.”), Jack was on his way. 

In the meantime, Aaron set his phone on the side table and sat on the edge of your bed. “Are we sticking to the name we picked? Does it feel right?”

Fun Fact: When I was born my parents had another name for me and when I popped out they were like “Nope. Absolutely not. That’s not the right name at all.” so it's a very real consideration!

You nodded. “I think so. What do you think?”

You did your best to inch yourself over - Ouch - so Aaron could have a little more space. He stretched out on the bed next to you, on his side with his arm folded under his head. A very large hand covered yours, pulling the blanket down to little one’s chin. 

“He looks like you,” he said. 

You snorted. Ouch. “Don’t lie. All your damn kids look like you.”

I AM SOFT FOR FAMILY RESEMBLANCE!!!!

“Alright, fine.” He relented with a wide smile. “He looks like me.” He was quiet for a moment, tracing the apple of little one’s cheek with his finger.  His smile morphed into something soft, pensive. It was the look he always had when he was in awe of his children. “What do you think, little man? Is your name Elliot David? How’s that sitting with you?”

The Elliot David in question just made contented little staccato sounds from his chest, his brown eyes looking here and there, surprisingly alert. He let out a little cough, and both you and Aaron went, “Oh!” simultaneously in that drawn-out way parents do when their kids surprise themselves. 

I love parent noises. 

You looked at him, and you stifled a laugh just for the sake of your exhausted muscles. Aaron’s smile soon turned shaky, and tears fell onto his elbow where it rested under his head. He took a big breath, and it caught on the way out. 

“Oh, honey. Come here.” 

I love that Aaron has grown so comfortable with being taken care of (hi tali, that was shit english!!) as he settles further into his family. By this point, he’s so secure in it and he lets mom care for him whenever she wants to and whenever he needs it. 

That’s growth. 

You adjusted again, bringing the head of the bed down with the little remote. As you reclined, you only needed one hand to keep Elliot secure. You raised your other arm, and Aaron scooted under it, resting his head in the crook of your chest and shoulder. He snapped some buttons shut on your gown in the absent-minded interest of keeping Jack relatively unscarred. 

Aaron’s bare arm was warm under your fingers. You traced little patterns into his skin as he stared at the back of his son’s head. Aaron’s finger was caught in Elliot’s impossibly small hand, secured in that death grip only babies seem to have. He couldn't care less that he was nearly twenty-four hours without sleep, missing a shirt, and really hungry. The only things that mattered in that moment were right there in front of him. 

There was no need to speak. 

A nurse stopped by and dropped off the bedside cradle, speaking quietly. “You can put him in here when you’re ready to get some rest.” 

You looked up and thanked him. “Oh, and we’d like to finish the birth certificate in a few hours. Will that be alright?”

He nodded. “Just fine.” He checked your charts and left a few moments later. 

Soon after, the door slipped open, and Jack’s head popped in. “Hi!” He stage-whispered. “Lemme see him.” 

Aaron was stuck where he was, still locked in by Elliot’s grip, so Jack came in on your other side, pulling up a chair as close as he could get it. 

There was a sense of finality to this meeting. Elliot would be your last child, and this would be the last time the Three Musketeers sat together, meeting the newest member of their family. 

“Oh man, Mom. He’s so cute.” Jack cooed and ducked so he was eye-level with his baby brother. He traced a finger along Elliot’s tiny, straight nose. When he rested his head on your upper arm, you kissed his head. All three of you sat there until the sun rose, watching Elliot fall asleep. Aaron followed suit eventually, his breath fanning slow and even across your chest. 

+++

The three of you were relatively well rested by the time your family came to bombard you. Elliot had woken twice - once to be fed and the other to be changed. Jack retreated to the recliner after a certain point, and Aaron threw on a sweatshirt and curled up next to you for the duration. They were out cold, while you rested somewhere between sleep and wakefulness. 

One of the nurses on rotation popped her head in. You waved at her with the tips of your fingers. 

“Your family is here to see you.” 

That woke you up. You made an ‘eek’ face. “All of them?”

I laughed. 

She nodded. “Three at a time?” 

“Please.” You reached over and picked up a neatly-swaddled Elliot and tucked him into your elbow. You checked the corner, where Jack was still sleeping. You were sure a train could drive through the room and he’d still be out. That kid had sleeping superpowers - being sixteen only helped.  

Jess was first, holding the girls’ hands while Isaac trailed a little behind. 

The idea of Jess loving the littles like she loves Jack is like....everything to me. The Brooks-Hotchners are so so special and I’m so excited to dive further into their lives - especially the relationship that exists between mom and Jess. 

You put a finger to your lips and pointed to Elliot. “He’s sleeping, so you have to be really quiet, okay?”

Caroline clambered up on the bed with a few reminders to “be gentle with Mom and don’t lean on her too much,” and peered over you. “Is Daddy sleeping?”

You looked to your right, and sure enough, Aaron was out like a light again, performance evaluations on his chest, his hand relaxed around his pen. “Yeah, baby. Daddy’s sleeping because he was awake for a really long time helping me with Elliot.” 

Newly reminded of the main event, Caro planted herself by your knee while Sophia sat by your hip, taking the good real estate. You looked over at Jess and winked. She slipped out, closing the door softly behind her. 

This was another one of those Renaissance painting moments where I could completely see this image of everyone crowded around Mom and baby. 

You scooted over so you were flush with Aaron’s side. “Come on up here, bubba.” 

Isaac gave you a little smile and perched at your side. “He’s so small.” 

Isaac’s observations are such a key part of his personality and I can’t wait to include more!!!

“Yep. And look at that,” you brushed your fingers down Elliot’s nose and tapped his cupid bow before doing the same to Isaac. “You have the same nose.” 

Isaac smiled and raised a tentative hand. He hesitated right before he reached the dark brown peach fuzz that sat in unmanageable cowlicks on Elliot’s head. 

“You can touch him, bub. Just be gentle.” Isaac’s hand smoothed over Elliot’s head with next-to-no pressure. “Do you remember when Sophia and Caroline were born?” 

I love it when my little boy can really settle in and connect with his family. I’m soft. 

Isaac nodded. “It was super cool.”

“It was super cool.” You kissed his forehead, and adjusted your hold on Elliot. “Sophia, love, can you hand me the pillow that’s by Daddy’s knee.” 

She nodded and very carefully presented it to you. You showed her how to stuff it under your elbow so you could relax while supporting Elliot’s head. Caro was clearly enamored, her eyes never leaving Elliot’s face. 

“Babies are really delicate,” you reminded a wiggling Sophia. “Their heads are too heavy for their little necks, so sometimes they need a little help.” 

At the mention of ‘help,’ Aaron’s eyes snapped open. “What’s up?”  You suppressed a laugh as he realized all of his kids were surrounding him like the children of the corn. He pressed a hand to his face, recovering. “Oh. Hi.” Caro beamed at him, and he beamed right back. He put his files down and patted his lap. “Come here, my little love. I’ve got a really good view over here.” 

The lightning-in-a-bottle relationship that Caro and Aaron have is one of my favorite parts of this universe. It reminds me of me and my mom and my roommate in her dad - we have such special relationships with those parents it can only be fate. 

My mom always says about her brother that “God made us siblings so we wouldnt have to find each other” and every time i think too hard about it I cry. Those two are complete soulmates and I can’t imagine one without the other. Shoutout to Uncle Billy :’)

She very mindfully picked her way over your shins and into her father’s lap. He lifted her so she was up flush to his chest. His cheek pressed into her hair, and he showed her where to find Elliot’s little baby toes under the blanket. 

“Are his feet very very small?” Caroline’s whispered question almost made Aaron cry again. 

Caroline makes me cry on the regular. 

“Yes. They are very very small. So are his hands. Here, look.” He reached over and peeled back a layer of blanket, exposing one of Elliot’s (very very) small hands, pressed flat against the fabric. Aaron wiggled his finger under it and presented it to the kids. “If you look really carefully, you all have the same hands.” 

All at once, three pairs of hands appeared, flipping their palms up and down as each one individually assessed the similarities. 

“And if you look even closer,” he said, flipping his palm down, but keeping Elliot’s hand aloft, “I have the same hands as all of you, too.”

FAMILY RESEMBLANCE!!!

Caroline looked up at him, awestruck and he nodded. She placed her hand on the back of Aaron’s and lo and behold they were the same shape, just significantly different sizes. 

Satisfied, Sophia dropped her hands, leaning on them to get a closer, yet stable, look at Elliot’s fingers. 

She gasped, but to her credit, kept her voice soft as she said, “Look at his tiny little nails!” 

“Lemme see!” Aaron supported Caro as she thrust her body forward to get a better look. 

Babies being fascinated by babies is simply the purest thing I’ve ever beheld. 

Jack stirred in the corner, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. In full voice, he said, “Oh, hey guys.” 

Three big shushes came from the kids, HA! and it took everything in you to keep your laugh locked away. You kept your eyes trained on Sophia (who looked downright offended at Jack’s volume) knowing if you looked at Aaron you’d be done for. 

Jack made the same ‘eek’ face you made earlier. Okay the resemblance even though they aren’t related? I’m dead. Thanks. Oof. “Sorry, sorry.” He crept over, standing behind Sophia and putting his hands on her shoulders. She giggled quietly as he dropped close to her ear. “Cute, huh?”

She wrinkled her nose. “He looks a little funny.” 

“He’ll start to look more like a person in a few weeks,” Aaron said with a smile. “You looked pretty funny the day you were born, maybe even funnier.”

Funny Dad!Aaron sends me straight into the stratosphere. You know after a couple of years he would have the dad jokes on LOCK

He winked at her, and she dissolved into a fit of giggles again, leaning back against Jack. As she did so, her brother wrapped her in his arms and rested his chin on her head.

Isaac was still running his hand over Elliot’s hair, gentle and repetitive. He, like Jack had done hours earlier, rested his head against your shoulder. You pressed your cheek to the crown of his head, soaking it in. 

“I like him.” 

A smile broke your face in half, and you peered around to look at Isaac’s face. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. He’s cool.” 

Your bottom lip disappeared into your mouth as you fought back your tears, still ready to flow without fair warning. You didn’t want to scare them. “I’m so glad you think so, bubba.” 

Bubba :’)

Elliot had once again taken Aaron’s finger hostage, and it took more than a little negotiation to get him unwrapped and tucked back into his blanket. You have no idea how Elliot managed to sleep through all the commotion, but then again, he’d have to get used to it. 

Here we have the first instance of Elliot being the chillest baby on the block. 

Jess poked her head back in. “Ready for some lunch?”

Four heads whipped around and nodded vigorously. Aaron deposited Caro on the floor, while Isaac pressed a heart-wrenching kiss to Elliot’s head before gingerly getting his feet back under him. Jack just lifted Sophia and she hung off his hip, only a little too big. 

He walked to you and kissed your cheek. “I love you, Mom.”

Mom and Jack :’)

You brought your hand up to his temple, the back of your fingers brushing his hair back. “I love you too, my Jack.” 

One side of his mouth turned up in a smile, and he left the room with Sophia, leading the rest of the pack down the hallway. 

A cut from this section: 

Jess lingered, and you grinned at her.

“Come meet your nephew.”

She sat on the very edge of the bed, stroking a finger down his little cheek. “Oh, he’s perfect.” She reached for your hand, and held your fingers in her palm. “Was it super rough?”

You shook your head. “Only about five hours. No complications, and no stitches.” A weak laugh left you. “Turns out after a couple of them, things just stretch instead of tear. Who knew?”

Aaron snorted, and Jess covered her mouth with her hand to avoid laughing out loud. She squeezed your hand once, and leaned back. Aaron met her in the middle and she kissed his cheek. “Proud of you.”

“Couldn’t do it without you.”

“Seriously,” you supplied.

“Who do you want me to get?” She stood and walked to the door, leaning on the narrow edge as you decided.

You looked at Aaron, coming to the same conclusion. “Dave,” you said, simultaneously.

+++

It was safe to say Dave immediately coveted his namesake. You’d plopped Elliot into his arms right away, and said, “This is Elliot David Hotchner. He’s been very excited to meet you.”

He full-on cried, letting the tears just fall onto his shirt as he bounced Elliot all around the room, talking to him about all the ways he’d spoil him rotten. 

It was easy to name him after Rossi. When you finally came down to a couple of first names, it was a no-brainer to pair them up with David. He was your family, like they all were, but you were acutely aware that Elliot would have the smallest amount of time with Dave, no matter how much time that would be. 

This was such an important piece for me to include. BEcause the time is limited, it makes it all the more special. I think about this iwth Aaron too, because while 54 isn’t old, it’s certainly higher than the average age for parents of a new baby. 

I touched a little on this in Rings, but the idea that Aaron is 74 in 2042 really knocked me out. It’s so important for both Dave and Aaron to soak up the time they have with their children (and grandchildren and nephews and nieces and niblings) because they simply have no idea how much time they have with them. 

When Dave was ready to reluctantly give him up, he passed him back to Aaron. Dave crossed to you while Aaron offered Elliot a knuckle to mouth around on. 

Aaron being an auto-pilot dad makes me soft. 

Dave kissed your cheeks and embraced you. He leaned back, keeping his hands on your face. You covered his hands with your own and closed your eyes. You were taking a lot of mental pictures today. 

He pressed a kiss to your forehead, and you were sure you saw Aaron’s one-handed camera work out of the corner of your eye. “Thank you, bellissima.” 

“You’ve more than earned it,” you reminded him.  

“Dealing with you two for fifteen years? You’re damn right I have.”

Here’s something that was cut!! I ran out of steam on this section, and it just seemed perfect to end it with Dave, so I left it right where it was. If I hadn’t though - this is the raw part of what comes next: 

Elliot exchanged hands throughout the late morning and early afternoon, pausing every once and a while for a change or a feeding. 

Emily immediately fell in love with him, sitting with you as he nursed and running her knuckle back and forth over his tiny bicep. When he was more than finished eating, Emily took him on her chest. 

You helped her drape a burp cloth over her shoulder, and she expertly shifted Elliot to her shoulder and started bopping around with him. 

Aaron slipped back into the room with a tray of food for the both of you. “Hey, Prentiss, I didn’t realize you were still here.” 

She snorted. “Of course I am, are you kidding? You guys need a break and I get to have this.” Her thumb rubbed back and forth at the base of Elliot’s skull as her hand supported his head. 

You smiled at her, and you and Aaron dug into your food. 

+++

JJ arrived a little while later, with Spencer. She left the kids at home, because “...you’ve had a very long day and that would only make it longer.” 

Luckily, you’d just 

Spencer held Elliot, playing with his little hands. JJ made Aaron sit down, and helped you arrange your pillows so you could get some sleep. 

tagging: @ssaic-jareau @qvid-pro-qvo @joanofarkansass @forgottenword @hurricanejjareau

[sundropscribbles]

A Good Nap | Thirteen x Reader | 7.5K

Gosh, hello. It’s been approximately a thousand years since I last posted anything here for real.  Quarantine has had me in a whole different realm, if I’m honest.  But I miss you guys, and I’m getting back at it, and I’m gonna start with this very sweet request for @gayforthe13th 💕

Your bedroom had been destroyed. 

No — destroyed might not have been the right word, because even that implied that there might still have been something left of it to be salvaged, and, well... there wasn’t. 

The floor, the walls, all of the furniture, the small bit of clothing you’d had stowed away in the closet... it was gone, all of it, completely obliterated with one devastating crash landing. 

The TARDIS had been in crisis, damaged in flight, and her shields had been down. It had been all that she could do to protect the console room ( which you were more than thankful for, as it had, in fact, contained you and The Doctor at the time). 

“Oh, darling,” you heard The Doctor murmur as you made your way back into the console room a few minutes following your discovery.  You come upon her standing at the console, stroking it gently as she looks over what seems to be a map of some sort. “You took some real damage, didn’t you? I’m so sorry.” 

You sigh as you watch her speak to her ship, so softly; it always brings a smile to your face to see it, because it’s one of the softest sides of The Doctor. 

“She definitely did,” you pipe up, folding your arms across your chest and making your way toward the console. You stand by The Doctor’s side, sparing a glance at the map that she’d been examining.  You wonder where your own room might be on that particular map, but you quickly come to the realization that you wouldn’t have been able to read it properly if you had tried.

The Doctor looks your way, then, and flashes you a smile. She straightens up a moment later and turns toward you, and with a glance between the console and your face, she shakes her head. 

“I’m afraid we might need to park someplace for a while,” she says. “The TARDIS will recover — she’s done it before, but it takes her a good bit of time and even more rest.”

You smile and nod at that; it makes enough sense, after all. 

“Can’t go hurdling through time and space with a hole in the hardware, can you?” you point out, and she laughs softly. 

“Exactly right,” she says. She turns her gaze back on the map, first, and then the console itself, which she pats gently once more. “The old girl probably deserves a good rest every now and again, anyways — if you asked her, she’d probably tell you personally that I mistreat her at least a little bit.” 

You don’t even have to ask, in the end; the TARDIS chirps her agreement the moment The a Doctor finishes speaking, and you snort softly at that. The sound of it is a bit tired and a bit insistent, like she’s telling you firmly that it’s definitely more than a little bit. 

The Doctor mutters something in response, you think, but you don’t hear it, not really; now that everything has calmed down, you find your brain melting into an all-too familiar fog.  It’s the type of daze that comes with potentially life-threatening experiences — the let-down of it all. 

Often times, this would be about the time you might head off to bed, or to have a relaxing shower; it was instinct, you thought, to resort to some old-fashioned self-care when you had had a hard day.  The instinct came to you all the same, today, but for obvious reasons, you wouldn’t be able to act on it right now. 

You must wind up lost in thought about it for a good moment or two, because before you know it, The Doctor has turned her attention on you again. She’s all warmth and kindness and concern as she places both of her hands on your shoulders and turns you to face her, and when you find your focus once more, she smiles at you. 

“Are you alright, Y/N?” she asks, and raises one of her hands to touch your cheek gently. You make your best effort not to let it make you blush, obviously, but you’re not entirely sure it’s effective. 

“Oh, yeah — I’m fine,” you reassure her with a tired smile. You subtly avoid her gaze as she brushes her thumb across your cheekbone, not looking very convinced. 

“Are you certain?” she prods, finally dropping her arms to her sides and withdrawing her gentle touch. “Not injured or anything, are you?  You’re looking a bit... spacey.” 

You can’t help but laugh softly at her observation, and as you recover from the brief closeness in proximity, you offer her a much more genuine smile. 

“Spacey?” you ask, eyebrows raised. She scoffs and rolls her eyes at the bit of teasing, but she stays close nonetheless, arms folded across her chest as she eyes you. 

“Yes, spacey — a bit loopy, out-of-it, zoned-out, blank-faced... d’you need anymore synonyms? I’ve got a thesaurus full of ‘em,” she retorts, smiling as she proceeds to poke fun right back at you. 

“Alright, alright,” you sigh, raising both of your hands in surrender.  She raises an eyebrow at that, watching you closely as you go on to explain yourself. “I am a little spacey, I suppose. Not anymore than normal, though — it’s just...” 

You pause momentarily, considering how you might explain to her that your bedroom had been one of the many pieces of the TARDIS destroyed in the midst of all of the chaos. Had she already noticed? Did she even know where your bedroom was? 

“It’s just..?” she urges you on, and when you meet her gaze again and notice the way that her smile has faded into concern once more, you sigh. 

“Well, my bedroom was destroyed. Along with all of my things,” you say, and she blinks, definitely looking rather surprised.  “So more than anything I’m just... thinking about where I’m going to be lying down for the nap that I very much need.” 

“Oh, no — oh, stupid me, I didn’t even realize!” she says, and in the next moment her hands are on your shoulders once more. “I’m so sorry, Y/N! I really hope you didn’t lose anything important.” 

You make a face and shrug your shoulders in response to that, taking a moment to consider what you had actually lost along with your room — apart from the room itself. 

“I mean — not really. Not apart from my clothes, anyways,” you tell her. “Might have lost a souvenir or two — and definitely my favorite jumper — but nothing valuable.” 

She softens at that, making one of those faces that clearly says “alright, I’ll take it, but I’m still not happy.”  You offer her a smile, regardless — it’s not like it had been her fault, anyways. It hadn’t been anyone’s fault but the rogue ship who had seen you in their flight path, apparently, and decided to move you out of it. Forcefully.

“If I had my way, we’d go and confront those lot,” she mumbles, returning once again to touching the TARDIS’s console gently. “Not very often I let anyone get away with using my ship for target practice.” 

You laugh softly as you watch her, looking thoroughly offended on behalf of her TARDIS. You give the console a pat or two of your own, and you sigh softly when you here her respond with a soft hum, sounding just as tired as you feel. 

“I don’t think I’d mind giving them a good telling off,” you say. You allow your full weight to rest against the TARDIS, finally, as you close your eyes for a split second. The energy she’s giving off now seems to be equal parts apologetic and relaxing, and the moment it hits you, your exhaustion seems to increase tenfold.  “But I think what I might like most right now is a good nap.” 

The Doctor looks your way again, then, and the thoughtful upset on her face fades into concern once more. 

“You do look absolutely knackered, Y/N,” she says with a shrug. “No offense.” 

You snort, responding first with a shake of your head as you absentmindedly rub at one of your eyes. “None taken,” you muse, smiling at her a moment later. “I’m feeling it.” 

She mirrors your smile, looking thoughtful for a a brief moment.  She seems to mull over something for a good moment or two, glancing between your very tired-looking face and the map of the ship that she had been focused on earlier. 

“You know...” she begins, seeming to wait for your acknowledgement before she goes on. “My bedroom wasn’t destroyed in all of the wreckage.” 

Your eyes narrow at that — at the hesitant way that she looks at you as she talks about her own room. You cock your head curiously to one side as you consider what she might be implying. 

“Rather lucky, that,” you say, as nonchalant as you can manage.  You’ve got to admit, you’re rather intrigued even at the idea of seeing The Doctor’s bedroom; you’ve always known she had one, and that — like you — she was a bit of a comfort napper.  You had never seen her room, however, no matter how many times she had mentioned it. 

“Right — lucky, yeah,” she agrees, and you smile — you can’t help it. “But, what I was getting it was — well. You could always kip off to my room for a nap, couldn’t you?” 

Your smile grew. 

“The shape that the TARDIS is in, it’ll be some time before she can repair yours, and I can’t leave you without a place to sleep, can I?” 

The laughter that escapes you in response to that is soft, and amused, and rather unavoidable. It’s just... funny, is all, how flighty The Doctor is when it comes to anything even remotely intimate. You’ve always liked to toe those boundaries a bit — to flirt, as it were, with every intention of making The Doctor blush a bit. 

But even so, you don’t want her to feel uncomfortable, because she is your closest friend, after all. 

“Oh, Doc — honestly, I don’t want to go imposing like that,” you insist. As difficult as it proves to be, you right yourself and turn to face her properly.  “I don’t want to invade your space.” 

She mumbles and grumbles for a moment at that, but the next time she meets your eyes, she’s shrugging her shoulders and smiling. 

“Strictly speaking, you wouldn’t be invading my space,” she points out, dragging a hand through her mess of blonde hair. “Not really. It’s sharing a room and a bed and all, sure, but... my bed is big enough for both of us, you know.” 

Your only reaction to that is a rather startled blink.  

It’s not that you’re put off by the idea — you aren’t, not in the least. It’s rather more that you’re surprised that The Doctor isn’t put off by the idea.  

You certainly enjoyed flirting with her a bit every now and again, just to see her go red and hear her stammer for a good minute, but you had never imagined it would go anywhere. Not in a real way, anyhow. And — and not that this was what that meant, either, because it surely wasn’t, it was just — 

“Oh, don’t look so shocked,” The Doctor says, effectively breaking your train of thought. The tone of her voice clearly conveys a bit of a tease, and as your focus returns to the immediate conversation, you snort softly. 

“No, no — I’m not shocked,” you explain, happy to backtrack a bit. “Well, not really, i just — I didn’t quite expect you to be so willing to share.” 

She cocks her head to one side at that, folding her arms over her chest as she gazes expectantly at you. “And why not?” 

You shrug your shoulders, then, not entirely sure how to respond for a good handful of seconds. 

“Well, it’s your bed, innit?” you say — a bit dumbly, you’ll admit. “And you do love your naps.” 

The Doctor snorts at that, still smiling at you even though she definitely looks at least mildly offended.

“Oh, don’t be absurd,” she argues, and you snort. It’s not all that absurd — not as far as you’re concerned, at least. “I do love a nap — didn’t let myself have nearly enough of them, the first thousand-and-some years of my life, mind you — but I can still have a good night’s sleep with you there next to me.” 

You watch her carefully as she makes her point, gesturing animatedly with her hands as she so often does when she feels particularly strongly about something.  The Doctor is a good liar, but you’re also rather good at detecting it.  And looking into her eyes now as she waits for your response, there doesn’t seem to be anything there but honesty. 

“Well, alright,” you begin, cautious, still. “If you say so.” 

“I do!” she insists.  You grin. 

“I don’t think I’d even mind if you changed your mind later, so long as I could have a good, long sleep now,” you comment, breaking eye contact, finally, as you drag a hand through your disarrayed hair once more.  You hear her laugh at that, soft and amused, and next thing you know, there’s a gentle hand on your shoulder. 

“Well m’not planning on it, am I?” she says. You feel her thumb brush across your shoulder blade, then, and it’s a real struggle for you to keep from piling yourself into her arms and demanding a cuddle. “Anyways — you know where my room is, don’t you?” 

You shake your head. 

“I’ve never been in your room before, Doctor,” you point out with a smile and a shrug. She looks a bit surprised at that — why, you’re not entirely sure. 

“Oh,” she says quite simply. “Well, in that case — it’s up the stairs and down that hallway there. You’ll take a left near the end, and my bedroom will be the second door on the right.  You go on and have yourself a nap while the TARDIS and I figure out the rest.” 

You sigh at that — perhaps a little bit too relieved — and nod your head. Before you turn to make your way up the stairs, you make a point of taking half a step closer to The Doctor and pressing a soft kiss to her cheek. 

There isn’t any intention behind it — not really, not apart from expressing your gratitude — but she blushes anyhow, and you can’t help but smile at that. 

You leave the room without another word, content with you goal to seek out The Doctor’s bedroom and kip in for a nap.  It takes you a moment, admittedly, to remember the exact directions you had been given, but you get there in the end.  And as it turns out, it’s terribly obvious which door leads to The Doctor’s room. 

The doors are grand in comparison to all the rest, large and wooden and very french-looking in style. Even the handles are quite elaborate looking, all old-worn bronze, and you smile at that; you can’t help but wonder what the inside of the room is like in comparison. 

To no one’s surprise, everything inside is rather magnificent as well.  Or, no — perhaps eccentric would have been a better word.  The furniture, the decoration, the room itself... if anyone had asked you, you’d have said it was a rather good reflection of The Doctor herself. 

All in all, none of it quite looked like it belonged together; not exactly. Apart from the bed and the room itself, which you had to assume had been put together by the TARDIS as a baseline, everything was quite mismatched. For instance, there was a night table in one corner that looked like it might have come out of early, early times, with chipped wood and rickety looking drawers and legs that looked like they were only just holding the thing up. But to the same tune, there was a massive armoire on one wall — or what you assumed was an armoire, anyways — that looked like it could have been picked up from an IKEA store in modern times. 

There was so much to look at that you spent a good handful of moments just standing in the doorway, admiring each individual item. It was lost in translation sometimes, how much time The Doctor had really spent traveling here and there and seeing this and that and the other, but her bedroom and all of the things inside of it gave every bit of that away at a mere glance. 

Eventually, you gather your bearings and round back on your original plan to tuck yourself straight into bed, but even that proves to be a something of a challenge.  

The bed may not have been one of the most eye-catching things in the room, but even it, in it’s own very, very unique way, had The Doctor written all over it.  The sheets were rumpled and purple and soft, and immediately upon toeing out of your shoes and lying down amongst the (abundance) of pillows, you notice that they smell like her, as well. A bit like amber, a bit like clove, and a lot like some unidentifiable spacey thing that you’ve always liked to think of as moon-dust.  

You’re grateful for it, for the touch of familiarity; you’ve always had a bit of trouble sleeping in rooms that weren’t your own, but wrapping yourself in the sheets of The Doctor’s bed feels a whole lot like wrapping yourself up in The Doctor herself, and if you were honest? She had always felt more like home to you than any old room could ever have.  

Even despite the fact that you’re fully clothed, it doesn’t take you very long to begin drifting off; your eyelids had been heavy to start, and as you make yourself comfortable, the feeling only grows tenfold.  With a a deep sigh and a final tug at the bedsheets, you allow sleep to overcome your exhausted body.  You had come here with the intention of resting, after all, and you’d be damned if resting wasn’t just what you were going to do. 

✦

In the end, you must wind up sleeping much, much longer than you might have initially planned, because when you do wake, it’s not of your own accord. 

What initially rouses you is a soft touch at your shoulder - nothing urgent nor insistent, but firm enough to wake you from your nap. You roll onto your back with a soft groan, quite unwilling to come to at first; you toss one arm over your face stubbornly and sigh, certainly not ready to face the waking world just yet.  That touch at your shoulder becomes a firm grip, then, and a gentle shake within another few moments. 

“Y/N,” a soft, familiar voice — quite close to your ear — says. “Y/N, wake up.” 

There’s a rather insistent noise to accompany the voice that must come from the TARDIS, and you mutter an unintelligible complaint under your breath at that. You’re pouting as you drop your arm back to your side and submit to the idea that you might not be able to get back to sleep right here and now, and with a deep sigh, you give your legs a stretch. 

It’s only when you finally open up your eyes that you come to remember that you aren’t, in fact, in your own bedroom.  You’re still very much in The Doctor’s room, surrounded by her things and sleeping in her bed, and as it turns out, the soft voice that had been attempting to wake you had been hers, too. 

Your cheeks flush as your eyes fall upon her face. 

“Oh, Doctor,” you mumble, still very much half asleep. “Sorry.“

She smiles at you, looking… rather fond? You blink, wondering offhandedly if your tired eyes are playing tricks on you. 

“Oh, don’t be sorry,” she says, waving a hand dismissively.  “Must have been a good nap, eh?” 

You respond with a soft snort, closing your eyes for a brief moment and nodding your head. 

“It was,” you say with a smile, combing a hand through your knotted hair and wriggling a bit until you’re a sitting a tad more upright. “Thanks. But I can definitely leave now, if you want the room—“ 

You don’t have the opportunity to finish your sentence before The Doctor is shaking her head at you, murmuring a little string of “no, no, no’s” and looking quite a lot like she’s the one invading your space. 

“You don’t have to leave,” she insists. She sits back on her heels, and you realize for the first time that she’s knelt down beside the bed, at your side.  “In fact, I wasn’t going to wake you at all — it was just…” 

You raise an eyebrow, watching her closely as she explains herself.  She’s looking almost bashful, now, and altogether it has you feeling curious. 

“What? Was I snoring or something?” you ask her, only half-joking. It wasn’t like you hadn’t been known to snore a bit boarishly in the past. 

She shakes her head at that, laughing softly and fiddling with her hair somewhat nervously. 

“No, no. Nothing like that,” she reassures you. A handful of seconds later she looks you in the eye once more and smiles kindly.  “I came in to check on you, that’s all.  And found you fully clothed.” 

You spare a glance down at yourself and your rumpled clothing, taking in the state of yourself for a moment before you offer up a shrug in response. 

“I didn’t have anything else,” you explain. “Everything but what I’m wearing was in my bedroom when we crash-landed.” 

She nods. 

“No, I know,” she responds. You tilt your head expectantly, then, and she averts her gaze. “I just wandered in to check on you — to make sure you were alright, yeah?  Crash-landings can be tough on a human person, and I just wanted to make sure — never mind.  Not the point. Anyways…” 

You don’t take your eyes off of her as she continues to waffle on for a moment, and you’re just about to pipe up and ask her where, exactly, she’s going with all of this when she finally reaches her point. 

“You looked comfortable enough when I came in, but I just thought — I don’t know, I got the idea in my head that you might like to borrow some of my clothes,” she says. She gestures offhandedly to the armoire that you had caught a glimpse of earlier as she says the words, and you spare a glance in its direction before looking back at her. “Just for now — so you have some proper sleepwear, right?” 

There’s no holding back the fond smile that plays on your lips as she explains herself.  You don’t think that you’d have been able to withhold it if you had tried, because it’s just so sweet, the way that The Doctor seems to be doting on you.  It’s not exactly a common thing — she cares for you, and you care for her (to say the very, very least), but it’s never gone beyond that; not before now.  

It makes you wonder — it does — but you keep your curiosity to yourself for the time being. 

“That would be really nice, Doctor,” you say simply. It’s a stark contrast to her rambled explanation, and she seems to flounder for a moment before she smiles brightly and makes for the armoire. 

“Brilliant! In that case —“ she starts, opening up a door here and a drawer there and pulling out a couple of soft-looking pieces of clothing.  None of it looks terribly a lot like her everyday clothing, but it all looks quite comfortable. “These ought to do nicely, eh? You can take your pick, Y/N — whatever you like.” 

You flash her a smile as she tosses the garments your way, and as you pick through them, you hum quite happily.  Most all of them are as soft as they look, and you’d be willing to bet that they’re just as comfortable, too. 

“You do know how to pick out pajamas,” you comment, and she snorts.  After a bit of sifting, you settle on an oversized, button-up sleep shirt and a nice, loose pair of shorts.  She’s looking rather smug when your gaze finds its way back to her, and you laugh softly as you set the remaining clothing aside. 

“What’s a good nap without some extra-comfortable sleepers?” she says, perhaps a little too proud of herself. 

“Not a good nap at all,” you agree, regardless, and brush a few stray hairs out from in front of your eyes.  You are grateful, genuinely, for her generosity with both her clothing and her space, because if you’re honest?  You still feel a right mess, and having these few comforts makes you feel just a little more human. 

You’re quiet for a moment (and so is she, oddly enough) before you look The Doctor’s way once more, a curious gleam in your eyes. 

“I don’t suppose you would mind if I used your shower as well, then?” you ask, not quite as hesitantly as you might have at the beginning of this day. You might have felt a bit worse about it had you actually asked for everything that The Doctor had given you, but… well, you hadn’t.  And honestly, if there was anything in the world that you might just have done anything for, it was a good, hot shower. 

“‘Course you can, Y/N,” she responds without hesitation.  There’s something a bit softer in her voice, and it prompts you to study her for a long moment as she stands there.  It’s only fifteen seconds or so, but she must begin to feel the scrutiny rather quickly, because it’s not very long afterwards that she turns her gaze away and makes for the door. “I’ll leave you to it, then.  I’m in the console room if you need me!” she calls to you as she goes, and you laugh softly as you look after her for a moment. 

With a stretch and a yawn and a creak of your bones, you crawl out of the bed and go about finding your way into the shower — into the bathroom that branches off of her bedroom, just like your own little ensuite had done.  

No use wasting any time. 

✦

“Oh, shut it,” The Doctor says, firm, but without much fight.  She’s standing at the console in the control room, and she’s just left her own bedroom in a ridiculous hurry, because she just... couldn’t seem to collect herself, as it were.  She was usually rather good at it, if she did say so herself; she had been doing it for such a long time, now, that it didn’t tend to be such a bother for her to keep her guard up around you.  Today, though — today, it seemed that something had slipped.  And it had been a rather significant something, if her current, flustered state was anything to go by. 

Maybe it had been your peacefully slumbering face. She had only seen you in such a state a handful of times, after all, and you had just looked so... so... content. Serene, even. And you’d been in herbed, for crying out loud — 

She groans. Her head drops into her hands as she props herself against the console, and she sighs thickly as she thinks it over. You had never so much as been in her room before (which she had less than gracefully forgotten, earlier), and now you were in her room, her bed, her space — and sooner than later, you would be in her clothes, too.  All of it, as a whole, had her feeling rather flustered. 

“Then go on and do something about it, would you?” she catches the TARDIS insisting. It’s a tug at the corner of her mind, her ship’s intention, but it’s there, and she rolls her eyes, choosing not to dignify the demand with a verbal response. 

The TARDIS doesn’t stop there, though, no — she continues to niggle at The Doctor’s mind, each and every suggestion coming across her consciousness like an insistent child jabbing a finger into their sibling’s shoulder to catch their attention. 

“It’s been months, Doctor. Months!”

“Are you just going to sit by and stare at them forever?” 

“If you paid attention you’d notice that they stare at you, too.”

“Constantly.”

“Doctor!”

The frustrated yelp that she had been valiantly suppressing breaks free, eventually, and she straightens up, staring pointedly up at the TARDIS’s dimly glowing crystals. 

“What do you suggest I do, eh?” she demands, and the TARDIS gives a dissatisfied vworp. “They don’t know. I can’t — ! I can’t just waltz into the room and, what — ask them for a cuddle? Tell them how astounding I think they are?” 

Her words start out just as sharp as she’d meant them to, but the fire in her outburst dwindles rather quickly the moment she really hears herself.  

It’s... different, saying these things out loud. Very different, and the weight of it all seems to bear down on her very suddenly.  The TARDIS appears to catch onto this, and adjusts the lighting in the control room to reflect the abrupt shift in The Doctor’s mood. 

With her features now cast in a delicate, fuchsia light, she shakes her head. Shadows dance across her face as she turns away from the console and makes for a way to distract herself once more.  

“I know your intentions are good, love,” she says, and the light in the room begins to sink into a deep purple as she speaks. “But it’s not realistic.” 

The TARDIS wants to argue the point further — she really, genuinely does. She can, after all, see you in her pilot’s room, fresh out of the shower and wearing her clothing, ever-so-gently perusing the room with that special sort of awe in your eyes. 

But she also knows The Doctor, and she knows better than to force the issue with her.  She had never been one to have any issue forced upon her — thus the ship’s roundabout way of wordlessly guiding her where she needed to go most. It was almost always better (where it wasn’t exactly possible to coax her) to let The Doctor come around on her on, and, with an exasperated thunk of her engines, the TARDIS supposed that that was what she would have to do. 

✦

In the hours following her confrontation with her ship, The Doctor made every effort she could to keep herself occupied.  

She cleaned, she tidied, she repaired what she could; she tinkered with everything that she could tinker with, and read through a solid three-and-a-half six-hundred-and-something page books, and paced metaphorical ruts into the floor.  She was doing anything and everything she could think of to keep busy, to keep herself distracted while you rested, but in the end, her efforts didn’t make the kind of difference that she might have hoped they would. 

No matter how much she paced, she still paused every so often to ponder whether there might be something more she could be doing for you. No matter how deeply she buried herself in thick books written on the most wildly obscure topics, she still found herself distracted at the thought of you sleeping in her bed. 

You had been resting for quite some time, now, hadn’t you? It had been hours. Did you typically nap for this long? Was she overthinking it? Were you okay? Why couldn’t she just stop thinking about it? 

The TARDIS would nip in every now and then, too, much to The Doctor’s frustration. She would mumble and grumble at the back of her mind that she knew bloody well what was going on in her own head — that she had simply refused to acknowledge it. 

“You can only do this for so long, Doctor,” she had sighed at one point.  It had also been at that point that The Doctor had pushed the thick book she’d been thumbing through aside and groaned out loud. 

She was utterly exhausted. 

She hadn’t actually rested since well before the incident with the TARDIS, and the whirlwind of emotions that she was currently experiencing wasn’t doing very much to help her case.  She could hardly focus, anymore, and that — that wouldn’t do.  

It was usually right around this point that she would sneak off to her bedroom for a nap, but — well. 

“You told Y/N that your bed was big enough for the both of you.  That hasn’t changed,” the TARDIS pipes up, conveniently. 

“Get out of my head,” The Doctor mutters, dropping into her seat beside the console and burying her face in her hands. 

“You know full well that I can’t do that.” 

She grumbles once more, dragging her clammy palms across her face as she sits up.  She couldn’t lie in this bed that she had made for herself forever, could she?  Not unless you came waltzing out of her room in the next few moments (unlikely), or the TARDIS suddenly announced that she had been able to pop up a spare bedroom (even more unlikely), she was doomed.  Completely and utterly doomed. 

“That’s a bit dramatic, isn’t it?  Y/N might be offended.”

The Doctor snorts at that, in part because you absolutely would be offended at the phrasing. No doubt. 

She also recognized, however, that it is a bit dramatic.  She was tired — so, so bloody tired, and upon further consideration, the strange way that she had been acting would likely only succeed in raising your suspicions. 

She had to sleep sometime, and tonight, she supposed... tonight, awkward as it may or may not have turned out to be, it would have to be next to you. 

✦

As it happened, you had only just fallen asleep by the time The Doctor came creeping into the room.  And — quite unfortunately for you — you hadn’t even fallen asleep on purpose.  

You had spent a long, long while after your shower perusing The Doctor’s room, and all of the delightful treasures that it had been hiding. Well, you thought — not hiding. Not really. You had been careful not to be too invasive in your curiosity.  Your intention hadn’t been to dig up anything terribly personal, after all, and when it came right down to it, you had only bothered with the things that had been in plain sight; out on bookshelves, lying across an oddly-shaped chair in the corner, that sort of thing.  

And, in the end, that had been more than enough.  Hours had passed, and by the time you had worn yourself out, there had been books and trinkets and clothing strewn around you.  The mess was primarily confined to the bed, where you had propped yourself against the pillows to read through an old, dog-eared book that looked like it had come from a time not so far off of when books had been carved into stone rather than printed onto paper. 

You had fallen asleep not more than a hundred-or-so pages into the story, book in hand and sheets only half-covering your tightly-curled form. 

This was the sight that The Doctor came upon, as she so-stealthily crept into her bedroom.  

Her first reaction was open-mouthed shock, of course.  She had expected to find you asleep, yes, but not like this — not quite literally surrounded by her very own belongings, from the lovely, color-changing crystal necklace she’d nicked from Planet Steppes to a bundle of tapestries and odds and ends she’d gathered from an obscure civilization on the outskirts of Andromeda.  

She very likely should have been much more upset than she was — it was her room, it was, and you had gone and made quite the mess of it.  But regardless of what she should or shouldn’t have been feeling as she stood, gobsmacked in the doorway, she could hardly help but smile. 

You were just so cute.

She stifled soft laughter into one hand as she proceeded to tiptoe into the room, sidestepping a jacket, which looked to have been tried on and then discarded. 

The situation at hand slips her mind as she spends a good few moments tidying the bed around you, and all she can think about is the wonder that must have shone in your eyes as you had inspected all of her favorite trinkets. She considers it, and the sweet smile that never failed to accompany it when you were especially enthralled, and it warms her heart. 

There’s certainly a small part of her that’s hesitant, still, about the situation as whole.  There’s not going to be any changing that.  A good amount of that hesitance certainly dwindles, though, when she gets all of the non-essential things cleared from the bed, gets changed into her own set of comfies, and pulls back the bedsheets just in time to get a full view of your face as you begin to mumble something in your sleep. She grins — she can’t help it.  She grins, and she sighs in a distinctly lovesick manner as she shakes herself from her trance and goes about wedging herself into the bed beside you. 

It’s not a tight fit, not in the least; The Doctor had always been a fussy sleeper, even when she slept on her own, and she had been sure to accommodate herself with a bed big enough to support that.  All roominess aside, though, she still finds herself hyper aware of your presence beside her; your warmth, your soft mumbling, the sound of your breath, every tiny movement — she couldn’t help but be aware of it, and while she tried her damndest to tune it out (she did, honestly), she couldn’t help but gravitate towards it. 

The moment her eyelids began to droop, she became keenly aware of every little noise you made — every hum, every murmur, every stray word. When she allowed herself to sink into the mattress, even just a little bit, she found herself lolling towards the heat of your body. 

It’s somewhere around the fifteen-minute mark (and her third bout of shaking herself away from the edge of sleep — from you), that you begin to stir.  You’re not aware of her presence immediately; you were only just coming back from a very good nap, after all. You couldn’t be blamed.  It’s not long before you do become aware of her, though, because you’ve only just woken up, and the first thing you hear is the sound of her grumbling softly.

“Blimey — “ you hear her mumble as she wriggles, trying (again) to get comfortable in her own space.  It doesn’t seem that she’s successful, though, because she stretches out again not a moment later, mumbling something under her breath that sounds suspiciously like “not getting any bloody sleep tonight”.

Your eyelashes flutter as you process the words, and there’s a crease in your brow as her frustrated expression comes into focus.

“Wh’not?” you ask on the cusp of a yawn, dropping the old book that you’d been holding, still, in favor of rubbing at one of your eyes.  She doesn’t respond to the question for a handful of seconds; she’s quiet for a spell, and then she begins to shuffle, again. You’re just about ready to repeat yourself when she looks your way and finds your eyes on her. 

“Y/N!” she says, soft.  Your name comes out sounding more like a surprised squeak than much anything else, and you snort softly. 

“Doctor,” you murmur, taking a quick moment to stretch the sleep out of your own muscles. You get comfortable again not a moment later, though, and you level her with a curious gaze.  “Why can’t you sleep?” 

The Doctor looks somewhat startled at the question.  She avoids your eyes, looking this way and that and blushing in a rather guilty fashion as she rummages for an excuse. 

“Ah, no, I’m alright — really, it’s just — I don’t—” she stammers.  She bites her lip to quiet herself a second later, though, apparently collecting her thoughts. “I suppose I’m just not used to sharing a bed, s’all.” 

It was close enough to the truth, anyways. 

The face you make, though… the startled blink, the furrow in your brow, the hesitation in your eyes — it still catches her off guard.  

“Oh,” you say. You’re the one averting your gaze, now, and it sends her backpedalling rapidly.  “D’you want me to leave, then? I can leave.” 

She doesn’t think before she speaks. 

“No!” she exclaims, propping herself up on one elbow and looking squarely at you.  She seems to realize the abruptness of her response a moment later, however, because her cheeks flush and she makes a soft, frustrated sound. “You don’t have to go, Y/N.  Really.” 

“Oh,” you say again, a touch baffled. “Alright.”  

The Doctor sighs softly, feeling quite sheepish.  Your response hadn’t been negative, but it was still clipped, still confused.  Clearly you were beginning to notice her odd behavior, and she didn’t want you feeling like you weren’t welcome, did she?  She thinks about it for a moment, about all of the TARDIS’s scolding and about her own racing mind.  And she decides to tell the truth. 

“I’ve been more worried that I would make you uncomfortable,” she admits.  Her voice is soft, and she doesn’t quite meet your eyes at first, but you hear her nonetheless.  

“What, me?” you say.  There’s laughter and disbelief in the tone of your voice, and when The Doctor does look at you again, her worry ebbs, if only a little bit. “Doctor, this is your room, and I’ve had a good sleep already. You don’t need to worry about me.” 

She laughs softly at that, watching you closely as you readjust once more, picking up the book that you’d been reading and searching out the spot where you’d left off. 

“And besides,” you say, glancing at her overtop the pages and smiling somewhat mischievously. “I don’t mind sharing space with you.  So if that’s what you’re worrying about… don’t.” 

If her cheeks hadn’t been red before, they definitely are, now.  Had that been… a hint of flirtation?  Surely she was imagining things, wasn’t she? 

Right on cue, the TARDIS begins to grumble at the edge of her mind, as if telling her to knock it off.  She can’t help but smile. 

“Alright then,” she says, as noncommittally as she can manage. There’s a bit of residual nervousness, of course, but the look of you, the smile on your face and your content posture… it puts her at ease. 

It’s uncharacteristically quiet for a moment afterwards, as she makes herself comfortable and you settle back into your reading.  It’s not a terribly long time before she begins to feel sleep settle over her once again, and she breathes a soft sigh as she nestles against the pillows beside you. 

“Thanks, Y/N,” she mutters, as she allows herself to drift.  The last thing she hears before she falls asleep is your soft laughter. 

“Don’t thank me,” you say, and inch just a little bit closer to her as you settle in. 

✦

Sometime later, The Doctor wakes slowly.   Her hair is a terrible mess, the sheets around her have been kicked into disarray, and there’s a crusty bit of sleep clouding her eyes, still.  Clearly, it had been a good nap. 

It’s only as she makes an attempt to turn over, however, that she realizes why, exactly, that is. 

Beside her, you’re still reading intently.  Your eyes are bleary, your head is propped a bit awkwardly against a couple of pillows, and in the midst of your fascination with the story, you’ve slunk down beneath the covers beside her. 

That’s not what catches her attention, though.  It’s all captivating, obviously, all on its own, but what really holds her interest is the arm you’ve got curled around her shoulders.  Her head is resting comfortably near your collarbone, and as she comes to recognize her surroundings fully, she can feel every inch of your body, too, pressed warmly against her own. 

Her cheeks flush bright red in an instant, and she doesn’t move another inch. 

She doesn’t let herself tense, though, no — she doesn’t want to soil the moment.  The warmth, the closeness, your arm wrapped almost protectively around her… it’s nice.  More than nice. It’s comforting.  She’s craved it, and she’s not about to cut it short. 

Instead of addressing it, she lets out a soft breath and very, very carefully, she turns closer to you.  She lays her arm across your stomach and closes her eyes once more, nestling close.  

She’s not sure whether you realize that she’s woken up or not, but all the same, you sigh, too, and press a sweet kiss to her temple, and that seals it.  She’s not moving anytime soon.