#really am my own biggest fan lolll who else is gonna do it

[livvywritesworld]

A Fist in the Mouth | Overview & Analysis

For those who don’t know, I am a creative writing student in my first year of university. In my introduction to creative writing class this semester, I wrote a short story called ‘A Fist in the Mouth’ for our fiction unit. After a couple rounds of editing, I submitted this piece to my university’s literary magazine and was later accepted for publication.

This is my first ever publication acceptance so of course this story holds such a special place in my heart now, and I thought I might make a post about it just kind of sharing a couple of snippets and some of the inspiration and thought I put behind the story as a whole.

(please let it be known that I retain all rights to my original work and no plagiarism will be tolerated)

excerpts and analysis under the cut

‘A Fist in the Mouth’ began as a way for me to kind of reintroduce myself to short fiction after a period of not having written anything at all due to some health issues. I had all of these ideas for the short fiction piece that I needed to write for class and none of them were working out how I wanted them to while still fitting within the word limit. So, I decided to discovery write something while listening to one of my many Spotify playlists just to kind of get in the groove of writing once more and really just see what would happen.

As I was writing, the song “Modern Girl” by Sleater-Kinney came on shuffle and for those of you who have never heard the song, there’s a repeating lyric, “hunger makes me a modern girl.” This really sparked some inspiration in me and all of a sudden I was writing about a teenage runaway come riot grrrl serial concert goer experiencing the horrors of girlhood and ambition. 

‘A Fist in the Mouth’ begins like this:

There’s a difference between running from and running to. When I left home, I thought I was running towards. I didn’t think of it as me leaving my parents’ oppressive religious household, though that was a fact that I readily acknowledged as a girl. I only ever thought of it as me, freshly eighteen, running full speed at a future I thought I deserved. A future I knew never would have found me if I’d stayed in that town, in that house, with those people, spending my days on my knees praying to a god that didn’t see me as deserving of anything more than I’d already been given.

Now, I think all I was doing was running away from every facet of my life. I didn’t feel the same way about God as the rest of my family, was scared to death of them looking at me one day and suddenly seeing all of me. Back then, I felt like I didn’t have any other choice. And I probably didn’t.

The narrator is kind of inspired by the character Maxine in the film ‘X,’ which I had watched a couple of weeks before writing the story, as well as Ethel Cain’s discography. I really wanted to write from the perspective of a teenage girl fleeing a very religious household (religious trauma for the win) because she wants more out of life than what her parents have laid out for her.

As we move through the story and see how the narrator interacts with the 90s Seattle grunge & punk scene, we are introduced to the narrator’s insatiable hunger (her ambition, queerness, and dedicated yearning). I use a lot of motifs throughout the beginning and middle of the text to try and recreate this feeling for the reader.

I was nineteen and my presence felt both excessive and non-existent. I wasn’t eating as much as I should’ve been, couldn’t really afford three meals a day. Most of my money went towards rent and bills, any real food I got would be leftovers from the diner. The cook was a bit sweet on me, so he’d make me a sandwich every day, free of charge, whatever kind I wanted.

The thing was though, even if I did get enough to eat, I still never felt full. I’d look in the mirror and my mouth would be this gaping cavern, something that didn’t fit on my face. It didn’t matter how old I was, how much life I did or didn’t experience— in the mirror smiling back at me was a gape-toothed girl looking to swallow the whole world if given the chance.

Then, we meet the character of Magdalene Williams, who is the only character in the story that I’ve named. The inspiration for Magdalene was definitely Mary Magdalene— I kind of wanted this holy-like figure to come into the narrator’s life and really give her a taste of the life that she craves for herself.

Magdalene invites the narrator to an all non-men punk show on the edge of Seattle and the narrator feels her hunger clawing up out of her stomach and demanding to go. She is inherently drawn to Magdalene and has no idea why. So she accepts the invitation. 

The story kind of unravels from there, and we end with Magdalene coming onstage with her band and giving The Performance of a Lifetime and generally really disturbing the narrator. The narrator knows that something Is Not Right here, she’s been very active in the scene for the last year and has never heard of Magdalene yet the entire crowd is going wild over her, and once Magdalene starts singing she immediately knows that something is wrong. And yet. She just can’t look away.

In Magdalene, the narrator sees everything that she wants, everything that she is so hungry for, and it terrifies her. She’s also a little jealous, and a little horny but very much in a prophet/faithhealer x devotee kind of way. 

I wrote the entire story in past tense because I really wanted it to have a sort of confessional vibe, to really keep in tone with the religious themes and imagery. My professor suggested after workshop that I might try it in present tense but it just was not working. During our class workshop however, everyone said that they liked the choice of past tense because it was almost like the narrator was telling us, the reader, that she experienced such an intense period of wanting in her life and still made it out in the end.

I don’t know if it’s too much to share on here like word count-wise, but the last few paragraphs of the story are my absolute favorites and I’m so proud of them. They’ve remained mostly unchanged in my various rounds of edits and I’m so impressed with myself for being able to write like this after having literally not written anything substantial in around six months.

Before I left home, my whole life was like a sepia photograph of a sunny day. Over-exposed, parents with smiling faces and sons with square jaws, daughters with ribbons in their hair. Wooden crosses on the walls, simple and unornate because God doesn’t need to be loved in gold foil. Grass stains on white tights, Sunday kitten heels scuffed from being worn so often, deodorant powder refusing to wash off the baby pink dress Mama thought looked so nice with my brown eyes.

There’s a difference between running from and running to. At eighteen, I was running towards something. I’msure of that. I don’t think I ever had an idea of what that something was, or what I even wanted it to be, but I did know that I didn’t want to be some televangelist’s golden daughter proffered up to God like Icarus was to the sun.

I noticed things about myself the way my family noticed things about God and religion and theology. Studied myself in mirrors, in the dark, in the depths of my own mind. I noticed everything and remembered nothing. Blood never started to fill my mouth until I surrounded myself with idolatry of a different kind, the screams sounded too much like mine.

At nineteen, I was running from. That night, hunger attacked every fiber of my being, ate away at my organs, left behind teeth marks and blood. I saw that hunger reflected in Magdalene, her mouth an open wound as she screamed out her lyrics. I wasn’t scared, though. There’s nothing scary about hunger, what’s scary is the response hunger elicits from other people.

This, I noticed. All in real time. Learned it of myself.

I watched the crowd feed Magdalene, and consequently devour her whole. Sanctify her living and alive, right before my eyes. And I never wanted anything more than I did then. I craved it, would’ve let hordes of women and girls crucify me where I stood just to be in Magdalene’s position. She never could’ve been full, not with the way she sang, but at least she was well fed. Oh how I wanted to be kept in excess.

Have learned to become my own number one fan lol

[houseswolo]

Day 1 - 'Tis The Season To Be Thirsting

"Look Rey, mistletoe! Join me... please!"

Aight, aight, here's kicking off the Thirst Order Advent Calendar, and our Thristies' showcase!

Azuwrite

(Tumblr: @ashtyntaytertot | Ao3: Azuwrite )

What got you into Star Wars?

It’s been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. We had Star Wars toys and products. My little brother and I used to fight with our toy lightsabers. I always remember my mom saying Chewbacca was her favorite too (it’s not her icon on Disney plus) joy

What made you a Reylo? Lightbulb moment!

I walked out of TFA HATING kylo Ren. Now, walking out of TLJ? A completely different story. The force bond moments definitely helped, but the moment that made me fall in love with Ben solo was when he chose not to kill his mom sob didn’t help that I had become a mom in that time haha

Why do you write / make art?

It’s a great way to get the creative juices flowing (hehehe). I have so many ideas to get out there! Not enough time though weary getting to write/proofread/make mood boards can really be a highlight of my day.

The Object of your Thirst…

Obi Wan Kenobi 😩 oof, that man is everything. Make sexual awakening if you will. So sassy, sarcastic, cunning, the accent, the eyes, the beard, the EVERYTHING. I may have a thing for ewan mcgreggor as well 👀

Favorite Adam look

Definitely the longer hair with the facial hair and leather jacket and plaid. My all time favorite is right clothes, especially t shirts👌🏼 yummmm

Favorite Adam role

Don’t kill me, but I’ve only watched two of his movies 🙈 I love Kylo Ren's character, of course, especially the bde moments 😩 stomp me! But Flip has got to be my favorite so far. He’s everything I love wrapped in a package. Love the mountain man, plaid vibes 👌🏼but Matt was my fav before Flip came along, so hilarious

Which part of Adam do you like the best? That’s like the worst thing to have to decide on 😩 it’s not physical but probably his voice. Mmmm so deep and weakens the knees! For physical, I prefer my boy swol. Gotta love them glorious TLJ titties 🔥

Favorite Star Wars Movie

So wrong that I have to choose! Haha. For the original trilogy-Empire strikes back. Prequel- I like both one and three, just...not two (sorry not sorry) 😂 and for sequel- hmmm gotta give it to TLJ. The throne room scene is hands down my favorite scene from Star Wars. Just chefs kiss

What do you like to write / draw / paint the most?

As far as physical artwork, I love doing all types and mediums so I won’t get into that haha but as far as writing; definitely found I prefer to write angst as well as crack (though that never starts as my intention 😂). I also adore making mood boards, just such a good time and relaxing thing to do when I’m in the mood for it!

Your TRoS prediction

Again, don’t kill me 😬 I want the Reylo happy ending just as much as anybody, but I’m not going to be surprised if we get shafted. This trilogy has taken so much from previous ones (especially the original), I just wish they were willing to take more risks. So my fear is that they’ll go the Vader redemption route. Aka kylo dies. I will be over the moon if we get what we want (and deserve) though 🙌🏼 fingers crossed!

If you were an aesthetic... (colors, images, feels....)

Bright rainbow colors coating a dark black center 😂 I’m definitely both vibes. I love dark things and creepy aesthetics, but I also love the cute and adorable side of things too 💕🌈☠️ I’m just a black cupcake with rainbow sprinkles on top

If you were a candy bar, what would your name be?

I wouldn’t! Not the biggest fan of candy, especially chocolate. Now, tacos, that’s a different story! They’re my favorite food in the whole wide world and people love them. I strive to be a taco

What's your ideal environment for writing / creating?

As quiet as possible. I’m slowly realizing that my attention span and focus is easily broken. I have a very hard time writing with any little thing going on, I start to get subconsciously anxious (playing with my hair like a mad woman). Unfortunately that means in a house with a newborn, a toddler, and a husband, I don’t get nearly as much writing done as I’d like. It can honestly be heart wrenching when I so desperately want to get my creativity out but ultimate can’t

Are you a dom or sub? 

I’m a total sub, like, spank me please and boss me around 🙌🏼 BUT when it comes to blowjobs, I OWN that dick. It is mine and I will destroy you with an orgasm 😂

What's the most exotic/wierd place you've gotten intimate?

Well. I haven’t done anything too crazy. I’ve had my fair share of doing it in public places but just around the corner and out of sight. I did it in a kid's laundry room who was in my grade during a graduation party. (What’s funny is I had never spoken a word to that kid in my life and still haven’t lolol). Also, I lost my virginity in a tent during 4h fair right next to his best friend who was sleeping 😂 but I’ve only been with one person and that’s my husband, since I was 14 💕

What's your kink?

Uniforms. Police officers and firefighters are my jam. Ugh yum

Use three words to describe yourself

Loyal (the hufflepuff way). Introverted (I regret when I go out, I regret when I stay in, there’s no middle ground 😂). Caring (being a mom and wife has been the best thing in my life. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Even if caring for myself tends to slip in the process lol).

Meaning behind your nick / ID name

I met this raver kid who decided to give me a raver name (I have never been to a rave in my life lolll). He asked what my favorite color was and what I liked to do and that’s how Azuwrite came to be!

Are you a big spoon or little spoon?

I am easily a big spoon. I will spoon the crap out of my husband. I prefer my chest to be warm compared to my back. Plus you get to enjoy the smell of your significant other that way. Does that sound weird? 😂

Do you like it rough or soft? 

Soft can be really nice but I’m definitely a rough and tumble girl. I love the hair pulling, pounding type sex with position changes 😂

Favorite toy

I have never used or owned a toy 🙈 I’ve never needed to and I have a hard time spending money on myself hahaha but don’t fret! This girl has perfected her masturbation technique, because I may or may not have been doing it for a very long time haha

Favorite fic you've read

Oof. It feels so wrong to have to pick 😂 I definitely have a top five favorites that really brought me into the fandom. Number one has to go to Berserk by Mallie3. She put so much time and effort into it and it shows! If you haven’t read it, go do it! It’s truly a piece of art

Favorite fic you wrote or favorite art you made

I have a top three for my favorite fics I’ve done, my first three. They have so much planned and lovingly created plot behind them. It’s truly unfortunate that I don’t have more written for them. It breaks my heart. Those are my superhero au, high fantasy au, and cowboy Ben 💕 as far as art, I have made wayyyy too many mood boards to pick one joy

Favorite SW character(s) besides Kylo and Rey

Obi Wan. Hands down. No competition. That man is bae and I will forever be his number one fan 💕💕

———

Drnucleus

(Tumblr: @drnucleus | Twitter: drnucleus | Ao3: drnucleus)

What got you into Star Wars?

My mom putting on the VHS since I was a baby. She was a fan and made sure I became one too!

What made you a Reylo? Lightbulb moment!The way he looks at her when she calls the legacy saber to herself in TFA.

Why do you write / make art?

Because no one else was gonna write kink fic that focused on the beauty of it instead of just the smut.

The Object of your Thirst…

Adam and Daisy (girl makes me question my sexuality)

Which Adam look do you like the best?

TROS. Also I like any of his looks from movies/tv

Which Adam avatar/ role do you like the best?

I love Paterson, but I think Ben Solo is my favorite.

Which part of Adam do you like the best? 

Self deprecating humor and thoughtful answers to interview questions

Favorite Star Wars Movie

The Last Jedi and Empire Strikes Back

What do you like to write / draw / paint the most?

Romance, kink, comedy, science competence porn

Your TRoS Prediction

Romantic Reylo and a deliciously cheesy HEA

If you were an aesthetic... (colors, images, feels....)

Purple, green, teal, galaxy images and velvet textures with overstuffed comfort furniture

If you were a candy bar, what would your name be?

Nougatine

What's your ideal environment for writing / creating? 

Comfy chair, music, tea or wine

Are you a dom or sub? 

Dom

What's the most exotic/wierd place you've gotten intimate?

Back of a pickup truck under the stars.

What's your kink?

Communication and goddess worship, also anatomically on men, forearms, hands, eyes.

Use three words to describe yourself

Witty, driven and anxious

Meaning behind your nick / ID name

It was from a super hero name generator!

Are you a big spoon or little spoon?

Depends on my mood.

Do you like it rough or soft? 

Also depends on my mood.

Favorite toy

Sex toy: the fainting goat vibrator, regular toy - my apple watch

Favorite fic you read

Unbidden by Perry Downing

Favorite fic you wrote or favorite art you made

Bedroom Hymns

Favorite SW character besides Kylo and Rey

Leia

cc: @tazwren @deadlikemoi @drnucleus @ashtyntaytertot @lostinqueue-ffa @my-jedi-life @shestoolazytologin @kaybohls @nite0wl29 @cosmo-gonika @wilsonthinks66 @roguesinside @areylofan @3todream3 @koderenn @queenoferebor @thereylowritingden @housedadam @house-crylo @houseplaidam