#rebuilding is so much more work than anyone ever talks about like wtf

[natashatrace]

pt 2 sorry

[godofevrerything]

How Zutara Should’ve Happened (my take anyways, if Zuko still joined the Gaang in Season Three)

Alright, so I’m a Zutara shipper. Anyways, here’s my rant of the day.

So, if Zutara were to be cannon, let’s say that we wouldn’t change the cannon, other than that. Also full disclaimer, I don’t really like Kataang. It’s cute, and sweet, buuuut I think that they would be better off single or with other people. I personally ship Taang so much-

When I first watched it, I really wanted Katara to end up single. I thought that would be a fitting ending for her story. But hey, she didn’t, and that’s fine.

This is not an anti Kataang post, seriously. If you ship it, cool, I don’t, but everyone had different opinions. Just please don’t come to my inbox and yell at me.

Aight, under the cut bc it got long.

So, if we weren’t gonna change the cannon, Zuko still joins in season three and all. Katara and him would still have a rocky relationship at first, and for good reason, I mean wtf Zuko what happened at the CoTL?

Rant for another day

Anyways-

What I would think is that Katara couldn’t help but notice how Zuko is trying to gain their, and her trust. I mean, she’s pissed but still, she notices. It doesn’t make her forgive him or anything, and it shouldn’t, but she does see it.

Now, I’m thinking little moments. Like when he shoved her out of the way of the falling rocks? Yeah, she still snaps at him, but maybe after she’s a little less fiery. Just a bit.

And then after TSR, things start to change. Of course, we get the iconic hug, but!! I want another scene, when they’re coming back from the trip.

One thing that always bothers me when I read Zutara stuff is that writers rarely address Zukos betrayal in TCoTL. Like,,, maybe I haven’t read the right fanfics but c’mon guys.

I really think, no, I know that Katara and Zuko should address that. I really want a scene, when they’re coming back, while Katara is sorting out whether to forgive him or not, I want them to talk about it. And sorry if it’s OOC- But Like so:

Katara: Why did you do it?

Zuko: ...do what?

Katara: Why did you fight with Azula? I thought you changed, I thought you would’ve fought with us.

Zuko: I-

[ a moment of quiet]

Zuko: I thought about it, and I almost did-

Katara: [turns around to face him] Then why didn’t you? Why did you choose that?

Zuko: I wanted my honor. I wanted to go home, and I thought- I though that if I fought with her, I could get my honor back.

[Katara doesn’t answer.]

Zuko: But Im sorry. I am.

Katara, quietly: I thought you changed...

Zuko: I have, now, I mean.

Katara: Why was your honor so important to you anyways? And what do you mean by ‘wanted to go home’?

Zuko: I- I was banished. Until I found the Avatar, I couldn’t go back.

[Katara turns, studying him, then turns back around]

Katara: ...You couldn’t go back, ever?

Zuko: No.

[She doesn’t speak after that, and neither does he.]

Okay, so maybe that was too OOC, but they did need to have a conversation something like that. A conversation where Zuko explained, at least a bit about why he fought with Azula.

And then, after that, the hug and forgiveness. But that was a turning point in their relationship, and I don’t like that so little fic writers address that.

And then!! I want little moments. Just small moments, maybe a bit more teasing, a bit more concern on Kataras part.

Also, let’s face it: Zuko would be simping. Katara wouldn’t be lovey dovey, no, she wouldn’t. Zuko would be the simp, Zuko would be the one stuttering slightly at teasing and stuff.

Just little moments, nothing big bc c’mon, they’re kids. They’re teenagers in the belp middle of a war.

Speaking of which! I really want one more scene between them. After Aangs noncon kiss in the Ember Island Players, I want there to be a scene where Zuko finds Katara and she vents to him.

Also I’ve been losing my damn mind trying to find a gif series for that bc someone on Tumblr made it and I can’t find it- fkdndd

Okay, but along with a huge chunk of the fandom, it really makes me mad that they didn’t show more of Kataras reaction, and that Aang didn’t apologize. Like wtf Aang.

I would’ve been fine with anyone coming to Katara, or telling Aang that was wrong but- Didn’t happen. They just glossed over that part smh.

But! Say Zuko were to come and talk with her about it. And then at the end, he might ask her why she was confused, Maybe something like this:

Zuko: If you don’t mind, why are you so confused?

Katara: I don’t know! But it’s in the middle of war. It isn’t over, and now isn’t the time for... for romance.

Zuko: But that doesn’t mean that you can’t be happy. I mean, look at Sokka.

Katara: I’m not Sokka.

[They both go quiet for a minute]

Katara: Sorry, Im just... It’s too much to deal with right now, and we have to focus on ending the war.

Zuko: No, I get that. It’s fine.

Katara: I’m just- I’m confused, and now isn’t the time and-

[She pauses, and the two look at each other for a moment. All is quiet.]

Zuko: I.. can go, if you want. If you need some space.

Katara: Yeah, that would probably help.

[Zuko walks away. As he does, Katara is staring at his back, a thoughtful expression on her face]

Yes, yes, I think that would make sense in the romance line. Mirroring when Zuko was staring at Kataras back.

Alright, so everything would be same, up to Katara healing Zuko after the Agni Kai. But there would be subtle differences. She takes his hand and holds it instead of putting her hand on his back. No big “I love you” or whatever. Just holds his hand, and maybe a line like “We- I could’ve lost you!” Maybe.

And then! One last thing, instead of that long Kataang kiss at the end, a scene between Katara and Zuko, talking about their futures.

I’m a really big fan of Water Tribe Ambassador Katara, and it shows.

Katara: So.. Fire Lord Zuko, huh? Finally regained your honor?

Zuko: [groans] Yes, now stop it.

Katara: [laughs] Nope, never gonna stop.

[Theres a minute of quiet]

Zuko: And what about you? Are you going back to the SWT?

Katara: I am. The Northern and Southern tribes... they need to connect again, not become one, but the connection was frayed with the war, and someone has to take a step to rebuild it.

Zuko: What about the Air Temples?

Katara: That’s up to Aang. I’ll help him of course, we all will, but he’s the last air bender. He’ll take care of them, like I’ll take care of the Water tribes.

Zuko: With Sokka too, I’m guessing.

Katara: I don’t know about that, actually. Sokka may want to travel a bit, scope out the world.

Zuko: And you don’t?

Katara: I do, and I will. Sokka and I, regardless of whatever travel, we’ll work together to take care of the tribes.

Zuko: [chuckles] And I’ll be here. I’m going to try to undo the damage the war did. Open up relations again in the Earth Kingdom, sort out the colonies.

Katara: Don’t overwork yourself.

Zuko: You shouldn’t either.

[She laughs, and stops in front of the pond, looking at the turtle ducks]

Katara: Zuko..

Zuko: What?

Katara: [turns to face him] We... went through a lot. And I have something that I need to tell you.

Zuko, sweating slightly: ..yes?

Katara: Relax, it’s nothing bad!

Katara: I..

[Katara takes his hand and smiles. Zukos eyes widen and he looks down at their hands]

Katara: Well?

[Zuko looks back up and smiles at her.]

Zuko: You’re going to visit sometime, right?

Katara: Course I will.

[He smiles again, and intertwines their fingers. It’s quiet once more, then off in the distance, Sokka yells something]

Katara: [laughs] Now c’mon, your Honor. Let’s go.

[She pulls Zuko down the path towards their friends, and all their laughter can be heard. The End comes up, and the credits roll]

So!!

No big ily confession, no long kiss. Why? Because they’re kids. They’re fourteen and sixteen, there shouldnt be an ily, there shouldn’t be an uncomfortably long kiss.

Later, of course. But now? Let’s them just hold hands and tease each other and relax a bit.

Anyways, that’s my Zutara rant of the day, thanks for listening.

[acotar-shit-thoughts]

MY RE-WRITING PARTS OF THE ACOTAR SERIES

*some acosf spoilers thrown in because i realize that SJM is writing a story so far removed from what i thought the story should go*

*a bit rant-y but i think this would have made the story more compelling*

i still think elain should have died in the cauldron back in ACOMAF and in my logic this would set of a story that will definitely heal and see powerful women who didn’t have power before be able to weld and rise up.

- nesta and feyre is over protective of elain and would do anything for her (and quite frankly elain’s personality is almost none existent. nesta and feyre are fantastic juxtapositions of one another and can carry themselves well)

- killing elain in the cauldron would up the stakes for both feyre and nesta (instead of making the only thing interesting about elain being likeable, gardening, azriel/lucien ships, pretty and agreeable, and bouncing back and forth between sisters)

- therefore forcing them to work together; push aside their personal bad blood for one another in the name of avenging elain

- through that process of strategizing and learning about fae and their own abilities (feyre’s high lord powers and nesta’s power she stole from the cauldron) they learn to appreciate one another. (and since this is a love story, nesta can still train with cassian but it would be BECAUSE SHE ASKED TO BE TRAINED instead of being forced to)

- they would eventually HAVE to confront their deep personal relationship to one another and move pass their old pains (INSTEAD OF MAKING FEYRE ALMOST DIE FROM SOMETHING THAT SHOULDN’T BE AN ISSUE OR ANY OF THE SPITEFUL SHIT THAT HAPPENS IN ACOSF)

- we learn about their family and their dynamics and how they can agree that their father is trash and even talk about the pain their mother gave (where BOTH SISTERS WILL HAVE AN APPRECIATION OF EACH OTHER AND MAKE SURE WHEN THEY HAVE FAMILIES OF THEIR OWN THEY WON’T TREAT THEIR KIDS THE SAME WAY AND EVEN HELPING HUMAN FAMILIES WHO STRUGGLED LIKE THEM)

- no locking anyone up!!!! the self sabotage of nesta won’t happen because she will put her energy into avenging elain; thus fighting for a bigger cause than herself and make her actually use the power she stole. SHE WOULD HAVE AGENCY. NO RELYING ON THE DRINKING/SEX BECAUSE OF PAIN TROPE. NO RHYSAND BEING A FUCKEN DICK AND EVERYONE SHIT TALKING TO NESTA. they can still have that disagreeable dynamic, whatever but rhysand being over protective and everyone else ganging up on her was disgusting and she did not deserve that.

- WE WILL SEE THEM BECOME LEADERS -- they will lead the strategy along w the IC; we will see them lead with the other high lords, we will see them convince the humans. we got glimpses of that in ACOWAR! SJM writes girlbosses which is just *rolls eyes*. lets let these ladies actually LEAD. let them actually have power instead of writing lip service for that. or taking their fucken power away for the drama. (WTF WAS THE FEYRE CAN’T HEAL BULLSHIT?? WHY STIFLE FEYRE WHEN SJM BUILT HER UP IN THE LAST FOUR FUCKEN BOOKS TO BE THIS POWERFUL FIGURE BUT LIKE GIVING BIRTH, A NATURAL THING THAT FEMALES CAN DO, IS GONNA KILL HER AND MAKE HER THE MOST VULNERABLE SHES EVER BEEN AND MAKE RHYSAND LOOK LIKE A SHIT PARTNER CUZ HE REFUSE TO TELL HER ABOUT HER RISKS. JUST FOR THE DRAMA I GUESS???)

- when war is fought and lost; we see them stand together to become the new leaders of the new world. the wall is gone and hybern is killed. again, we got a glimpse of that in ACOWAR at the end. there should have been a moment when fayre confronts tamlin and TALK to him. they seemed so poised to be LEADERS. new leadership because the old high lords are garbage and they fucked up so many times. introduce new policies, introduce new trade deals, beef up economies (esp since this is hyberns main reason to high up prythian), etcetc.

- feyre can work on leading night court as a high lady along with leading the rebuild of spring court (since she fucken wrecked it, displaced all the citizens, and took it from tamlin. feyre also knows about spring court’s rebuilding effort and how the tilthe isn’t it. she even said that tamlin should not make ppl bring useless things because they have so many things. the water folks dont have fish and that tamlin should have helped them hunt for fish or whatever instead of punishing them) and the new laws and policies for humans (can be intigration?? rhys and feyre talked about human refugees??? where did that talk go??). we can actually see feyre be a HIGH lady instead of her spending her days shopping and decorating and breeding (WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT WOULD HAPPEN WITH TAMLIN and we saw that as a bad thing!!! why spend 600 goddamn pages talking about not being that to turn 180 and be exactly that????)

- feyre’s reason for fighting has also been to the benefit of the human realm. the fact that she kind of said fuck it as the books progressed to where nesta or elain are the ambassador to the human realm felt so wrong because being human once was what was special about feyre. that was her north star. her whole heartedly identifying fae is wrong (maybe this is my theory about ACOTAR being a tragedy comes in).

- nesta would finally be an actual queen. you can’t tell me with all the mentions of nesta having queen energy is gonna translate to whatever the fuck it was in ACOSF??? nesta would get leadership experience. she would have purpose! she might even be able to envision of brighter future and fight to not let something like hybern happen again. protect those who can’t be protected? protect those who see the light in the world the way elain did?? maybe even her power can protect the cauldron and she could be a guardian or something??

- this is where i venture off; after the war, feyre leads the rebuild in prythian. nesta can lead the effort in hybern (AGAIN NO LOCKING UP!!! NO TAKING TIPS FROM TAMLIN’S HANDBOOK. NO FORCING HER AGAINST HER WILL!!!). she could rebuild it in a new name and face. her book could focus on her learning about her power; learning about how to please the hybern folks who dont like her (and i like that nesta isnt a likeable person from the start unless you are someone like meeeee). imagine seeing her ACTUALLY make her own friends and have her own inner circle??? imagine her making new friends and helping others. imagine her ruling??? making policys and laws?? imagine her going to different courts to do economic trades and deals?? she would channel her energy into something HELPFUL AND IMPACTFUL. she can still dance and do the big ball stuff. she can host she can feel like shes in control and maybe even channeling her guilt into something that is systematically helpful.

- along w this, cassian would be able to leave night court. he has been side line for so long. hes a buffer between mor and az and thats unfair to him. hes his own person and shouldnt be deligated to that task. he would have to actively choose nesta, which he wasn’t doing throughout the original trilogy. he would have to be placed in an environment outside his comfort! cassian is so much more than a goof ball and buffer. besides his skills might be necessary to handle hybern’s war-happy citizens

- we can see more of this world. hybern is sitting empty and the problems from the start still exists. im just so disappointed that SJM drops hints of scocio-economic problems that exists in the fae world and dont deliver. why deliver something so complicated to ignore??? its such ashame this world is so rich and beautiful and the characters are so fun to read about and for it to be turn out...so....trope-y (IN A BAD WAY). the original stories are fine too i guess, but it doesn’t feel planned out. it feels like SJM writes on a whim and just changes things as she sees it fit the relationship of characters.

[jedimordsith]

You mentioned that you've come to have more empathy for Yoday but still wouldn't recommend him as a direct master for anyone. What were/are your biggest issues with him? There are several I could guess, and probably some I agree with, but I don't want to assume.

Ahahahaha. I’m in a ranty mood this week, so it’s a great time to tackle this ask! Here’s more than anyone ever wanted to know about my Yoda Feels. 

My problems with Yoda come down to a couple things. 

We have entirely different learning/teaching styles. 

I have zero tolerance for cryptic shavit when there’s *actual communication* that needs to happen. 

A lot of Yoda’s behaviors make sense when viewed in the context of the PT but I formed most of my opinions based on the OT before the PT was a Thing. 

I don’t agree with the approach Yoda took in swanning off to Dagobah post RotS. AT ALL. 

Different Learning/Teaching Styles

(In ESB) Yoda very much follows the Greek and Buddhist styles of teaching where masters ask questions that don’t necessarily have solid answers. This is a valid style and something @atamascolily consistently captures gorgeously in her fics. It also absolutely makes me want to stab people. 

I’m like Mara Jade: a task-oriented learner. I want to know what I’m supposed to learning/mastering, why, how I’ll demonstrate success, and what the checkpoints are along the way. Meandering philosophical debates as part of an ill-defined training process are maddening. As noted, as I get older I am more accepting of this as a legit style and just not for me; this makes Yoda more sympathetic as a character but not any less annoying. 

Also, when Luke asks honest and reasonable questions in ESB (like “why”) Yoda shuts him down flat and I’m extremely not okay with that. Luke is being genuine and respectful despite his own frustrations and as someone who is committing his life to the Jedi path he has both a right and a need to know things. Demanding blind faith when there are or should be reasonable answers of some kind is Not Okay. 

Just Communicate Dammit!

With Ben Kenobi and Bail Organa gone, Yoda was the only person around holding a lot of key information. Did he share that information? Nope. He wandered around being a cryptic little troll “because Luke wasn’t ready” despite knowing full well that his health was failing. He gave Luke none of the information he actually needed to make informed decisions and didn’t even freaking write anything down!!  

From a Doylist perspective, this is obviously largely because George Lucas et al hadn’t figured out any of the backstory yet. From a Watsonian perspective, this is unforgivable. 

If your time is short (as his time with Luke was destined to be no matter how things went), it is critically important to be clear and use your time well. Yoda just didn’t. 

Obnoxious Troll vs Grandpa Frog

The PT very much sets Yoda up as Grandpa Frog, a beloved grandfather figure who teaches the younglings regularly and who everyone understands as mischievous but loving. Viewed in that sense, a lot of how he treats Luke in ESB makes sense… but it doesn’t make it okay. 

The younglings at the Temple literally grew up around the Force and Yoda. Luke did not. Luke didn’t even know WTF the Force was until he was almost 20. He got like 24 hours of introduction to it before Ben died. Compliments of Palpatine and the Purge and the war, there is almost no information available to him between ANH and ESB except what he figures out himself. Yet Yoda treats him like a disappointment and a failure for not understanding the scope of the Force and having doubts about its power. 

Guess what? If Luke had grown up in the Temple, yeah, he’d be all about raising X-wings out of swamps. But he didn’t. He grew on repressed for his own safety on a farm in the middle of nowhere without a hint of a clue. 

Now, through the lens of the PT, I can see Luke being a frustrating student for Yoda. He’s used to getting younglings who have been exposed to and trained in the Force by a range of other Jedi. Starting with an older student suffering from a ton of trauma and without any of the basics that he has to train in less than a fraction of the time shaping a Jedi would normally take is a massive undertaking and he’s old and tired besides. The whole family history with Vader wouldn’t make it any easier. 

But you know what? Luke is young. He left his found family in the middle of a war and is undergoing hugely stressful training in the middle of a swamp so that he can shoulder even bigger burdens. Yoda has had 20 years of (mostly) downtime to deal with his own trauma and at least several hundred years of practice being a teacher and a leader. He’s the one in a position to improve things and accommodate and he doesn’t. I’m not okay with that. 

Let’s Talk About That Downtime BTW

Again, from a Doylist perspective, I get why Yoda was hanging out on Dagobah, why he used things like visions to communicate with people like Kanan, Ezra, etc. periodically, and why he was Luke’s mentor in ESB/RotJ. 

From a Watsonian view, though, I’m not freaking impressed. He was the Grandmaster. He was heartbroken over the Jedi and Padawans he couldn’t save. But what did he do for the remaining ones spread across the galaxy? Shavit, that’s what. Kanan, Cal Kestis, Feris Olan, all the Jedi/Padawans who got kidnapped and twisted into Inquisitors — they were on their freaking own while Yoda swanned off to Dagobah. 

Oh, sure, he’d pop up in a vision here or there or whatever, but he had a safe place. And, apparently, the ability to reach at least some of them some of the time (see: visions and his connections to people like Bail Organa). Do I think any of those people probably wanted to live on Dagobah? Not particularly. But I think they’d have appreciated the safety and the chance to reconnect with what remained of their Jedi family, even if only briefly. 

But no. Yoda hangs out, waiting for the day the twins are old enough to take on the responsibility to kill Vader/Palpatine and then… does nothing?! He just keeps hanging out even after both Luke and Leia have lost everything, lets them get all settled into the Rebellion without a word, and THEN has the nerve to be cranky and disgruntled when he actually does get one of them to train!! 

YOU MADE CHOICES YOU LITTLE FROG TROLL. DON’T TAKE THEM OUT ON THE PEOPLE YOU DENIED CHOICES FOR 20 YEARS. 

I’m Not Entirely Without Compassion, I Swear

*sigh* I have seen a lot of Yoda meta in recent years that makes me appreciate Yoda for what he was during the PT. He really *was* everybody’s loving Grandpa who worked for centuries to love on the Jedi, protect them, and take care of them well. He legit wanted all of them to be happy and safe… and his suffering when the Purge happened must have been unimaginable. Like Luke and Leia, he lost everything. 

Unlike the twins, he didn’t get to rebuild or find a new family. While I believe what we have in the EU suggests he found peace and solace and a new home of Dagobah that was genuinely soothing to his wounded soul, he was alone and (whether he was or not) he did feel mostly helpless to do anything for his few scattered Jedi grandchildren who remained and suffered across the galaxy. He did face decisions in which there *weren’t* good, clear-cut answers. 

I think if I’d met him first in the PT or meta I might have liked him better. But I still wouldn’t ever recc him as a Master for any character I like because I can’t imagine learning under him being an experience I would ever wish on anyone simply based on my own vehement loathing for his personal teaching style. I know there are people in the world who would thrive on that approach and I like to think I’ve got a good imagination, but I simply can’t conceptualize it as a positive, productive experience. 

*As an end note, if you DO like Yoda or want to like him better please go read @atamascolily‘s fics, seriously. You’ll love them!

[faejilly]

I was tagged by @la-muerta​ & @facialteeth​ & @thedivinemissema​ for the WIP/Title Game

rules: post the names of all the files in your WIP folder, regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous. send me an ask with the title that most intrigues you and interests you and i’ll post a little snippet of it or tell you something about it!

AND THEN  by @shadoedseptmbr​ @msviolacea​ & @ravenclawnerd​ for the “stories you want to write... but for some reason haven’t yet”

so this will be a mish-mash of both? The WIPs will mostly have blurbs in this case (to fit the second meme) but you are still welcome to ask follow-up questions, if you’d like ;) Assuming you make it through the list, it is uh. Not Short.

Anyone who would like to play with their WIPs, please consider yourself tagged in either or both of these. :D

Misc Fic Folder:

“untitled document” - where I’m working on fictober fills so I have word-counts for my GYWO tracker. I am not working on these because Brains Are Dumb and also Going Back To Work Is Exhausting

I made a file called “YULETIDE!” which has nothing in it but I’m determined to finish this year so that is definitely technically a thing in the Unending WIP List of Doom worth mentioning. (Tho obviously that’s all I could say even if I had started, because anonymous.)

“coda-fics, rewatch!” -yes, that exclamation mark is important! it’s to keep me motivated! (it didn’t work). Much like untitled, this is for putting stuff so I can do word count tracking even if I don’t know what I’m doing. Currently I think it just says “MARYSE” because I was working on my SH 1x6 coda-fic and then got distracted and haven’t typed anything up yet. (Yay notebooks? Boo notebooks? Not even sure at this point.)

WNIP (works not in progress) Folder:

“TOG” - I had one vivid mental image of how Nicky & Joe met (blood-stained evil smiles?) but then no idea for a follow-up story and also the fandom is insane and I’m not sure I want to deal with all of *gestures vaguely* all that

“Shan Xia Notes” -for a TTRPG that never quite got off the ground; she was a semi-tragic selkie who was still in love with the evil queen/lady who stole her skin and I got to play her for like one session and she was surprisingly chaotic neutral, which wasn’t at all what I’d been expecting. But the game never really got off the ground, so I never had enough info to really delve into writing backstory fic

“post-Kruschev” -Kruschev’s List was the last episode of Scarecrow & Mrs King, and I was debating writing an epilogue in place of the s5 we never got, to try and tie up some loose ends, but the fandom’s three old-ladies in trench coats and I never quite worked up the gumption to get it anywhere

“Code Realize warm as silk sequel” -there is literally nothing in this file except “SEX! Only a little angst” because I wanted to write some “we can’t actually touch each other” smut but never actually did. 🤷‍♀️

BioWare (also all Not-In-Progress Anymore)

“seb/adelaide”, “Theia” & “DAI Erana” -these WIP folders were cannibalized for ficlets for the last few times I did fictober, and while originally I had ideas for longer epilogues for all three of them, at this point I don’t think any of the remaining bits could support a story any longer.

”whispers in the dark” -Maia Ryder never really got much fic at all; the cancellation of any further Andromeda stuff was really disheartening, and at this point I’d have to play the game again, and I don’t think I’m gonna manage that any time soon

”TSP” -a Mass Effect 3 Shepard AU collab project that kind of went off the rails, and our mutual brains/lives never quite seem to line up so we can try and rebuild it ”Ngaio & Tane” -my one truly ruthless Shepard (Alliance background, who romanced Traynor) whose father Tane Shepard was, I think, in PsyOps, and I wanted to figure out their complicated relationship but never really did know where I was going with it

”JE Zu & Yaling” -so I’ve rambled about my Tragic Sagacious Zu Romance Thoughts regarding Jade Empire more than once (#Icy Yaling should have most of it) but apparently I want to yell about it more than I want to actually write it? Whoops.

”CI sequel: 5 times fic?” -Cruel Intentions is a kinkmeme fill that I started and then it sat for like five years before I actually finished it, and I liked the ending, but it does leave a giant fucking question mark in terms of how those people got from there to where they are after the game, and I kind of wanted to write a proper h/c fic rather than just... leaving them wallowing in all that trauma?

But I didn’t. I don’t even remember for sure how I wanted to frame the 5/1 of it all, besides it being something sad about allowing people to see you or touch you in some way. (Prayers maybe, since I think there was definitely some Sebastian & Fenris & faith stuff going on in there.)

“candles” -Merribela prompt fill that I never was happy with? Not sure what I might do with it at this point, so it’s just sitting there all sad and lonely and neglected-like.

Shadowhunters

pt1: WIP LIST ONLY

“Persuasion” -so I keep trying to write Persuasion AUs in many fandoms because it’s my favorite Austen, but I think I like it too much, I have no real solid concept of how I’d transform it, and if I don’t have anything else to say about different characters within that framework, I have no push to actually write anything? Also this SH version of it suffered from MASSIVE scope creep when I started outlining and it got too big for me to handle so I like, killed it twice? Whoops. This one is really probably never gonna happen.

“oosdt sequel” -I wanted to write more about the Forest That Eats People and Magnus & Alec as Guardians Between Worlds, and also some background Magnus’ Found Family & Lightwood Family Feels (maybe some clizzy?) and I left a Madzie plot-thread dangling from the first one on purpose even but I think this one had too many ideas and not enough focus so it’s sort of sprawling all over a doc with a lot of “???” in it

“procedural-ish” -this was originally going to be a sex-farce. and then it turned more serious. and then maybe kind of copaganda which was uncomfortable in terms of the Everything That Is The News in 2020, and then maybe it was more a Mafia AU and at that point I had self-inflicted tone whiplash and I wished the voices in my head were a little more forthcoming about their plans so I stopped before I brained myself on my computer monitor in frustration.

“I had rather a rose than live forever” -I started a reverse!verse Malec (Shadowhunter!Magnus, High Warlock!Alec) for bingo last year, and I couldn’t quite get it together in time, so I made a moodboard inspired by the bits I’d started instead. I may see if one of my prompts from Bingo this year help me finish it?

“fall fright fest (practical magic  au)” -exactly what it says on the tin! almost exactly a year old & neglected! IDEK ANYMORE (I talked about this one with the WIP meme last time tho: here)

“priest!kink theology?” -I thought it was gonna be smut? I like priest!kink. I have made other people like it and yell at me even! But then I kept diverging into demon!Magnus thinking about Priest!Alec’s faith and as usual, IDEK ANYMORE *laughs*

(If they’re remotely canon-adjacent or divergent, a bunch of these are in here because I need to rewatch the show to get the pacing/timing/tone right and I haven’t, and I don’t know why, because I enjoy the show, but BRAINS! Are Dumb! So I guess that’s it?)

“I do” -I have tried to write this damnable Malec arranged marriage fic like six different times. I have signed up for fic exchanges and bangs with it, I have rewritten massive sections, trying to change tone or structure or POV or whatever, and it basically comes down to they like each other too fast and I keep not gutting it enough to get back to a useful pace, but by the time I realized that I was on take six and kind of sick of it. I may get back to it eventually

“wing!fic” -canon divergent in early s1, trying to deal with the consequences of Simon’s kidnapping as the Truly Serious Event that it should have been. It uh. Got heavier than I expected with those consequences (considering it was originally just supposed to be Alec’s wings flirting with Magnus) and also see above re: rewatching for pacing.

“2x20 aftermath/date night/pandemonium porn“ -yes that is the actual wip title. It used to be “spite fic” because I was originally inspired by fighting against a lot of fic!Alec characterization that was clearly based more on the books and ATG syndrome than the Alec in the show, which is the Alec I know and like and want to read about. BUT, pacing and etc. again, I think. Also I have somehow entirely lost my knack for writing porn, which makes it difficult to finish something originally intended to be smut!fic. Or even teasing almost!smut.

“rubbish heap” -so this is about three different fics that I realized complemented each other really well so they’re now all in the same file as I try to turn them into the sequel of “with an if in its soul”. It includes amnesia, parabatai lore shenanigans, a s3 rewrite, and some truly awful Owl adjustments that make me wince in horrified authorly delight and pain. BUT, as with the other ones in this file, the scope is large and I normally write short-fic and I kind of just threw up my hands in exasperation. I may have to break it back up into the three different fics instead, if I ever actually want to write it. Them? But also I need to take better notes on s3 to make sure I have what I need in here.

SH Pt 2: Started posting or not yet in hiatus because it’s actually almost ready to be a thing in the real world! maybe!?

“kisses (firsts)” -I actually started publishing this one, a “series of firsts” that was supposed to be kind of relationship milestones and kind of an excuse for smut, and then there wasn’t that much smut and I lost momentum and also dear lords & ladies the timeline is stupid, wtf. I may not ever add to this one, tbqh. It doesn’t stop in a terrible place, and they’re all ficlets so they stand alone all right.

“clizzy epilogue” -this is blank atm, it’s more a reminder for me to keep poking away at my “girls who can’t breathe air, only fire” collection BECAUSE I WOULD LIKE TO ACTUALLY GET TO THE CLIZZY AT SOME POINT

"mer!alec" -pts 2-4 of a series, but apparently having an actual plan gets in the way of me *writing* the thing, and I haven't managed to throw the half an outline far enough away from my brain to be able to write again. Or something like that.

"ibhww" -if broken hearts were whole is a soulmate fic I started a million years ago, and purposefully set aside to finish some other WIPs because I thought they'd be quick, and now it's just buried under two and a half years of regret and shame so it's hard to get back to it

"iafy" -i am for you is a delightful & frothy semi-epistolary fluff piece that also just lost momentum because Life & 2020 & etc. It's far and away the most popular thing I've ever posted on AO3, which also makes me feel weird sometimes, and I feel like the fact that there's no grand conclusion planned, just a bit more fluff and settling in, might end up being disappointing? Basically, it's the first time I think I've psyched myself out about reader expectations, and until I get over that I'm going to have trouble finishing the last couple chapters. (There really are probably only two more chapters though. IT’S SO CLOSE, I wish I could just... write it. And yet?)

“fake-hating” -I do not like fake dating as a trope that much, I just do not get it, but I love outside POVs and arranged marriages and there’s this delighful tumblr post about how they wished there was more fic about people who were together but had to pretend they werent’, and uh. This may be that? Eventually? I’m not exhausted by my failure to finish it yet, so it’s still in the regular folder rather than the hiatus folder, even though nothing’s been posted for it.

AND I THINK THAT’S IT?

Not as terrible as it could be, but still. MANY WORDS THAT MAY NEVER SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY. Posting the equivalent of one’s old ratty sketchbook is always a weird feeling. :D

[lendmyboyfriendahand]

Tehhumi’s W.N.I.P.s: Amras/Haldir

I am posting some things over the next little bit that I have stalled out on or not touched in months as Works Not In Progress. (I got the idea from copperbadge’s annual “works no longer in progress”.) These are things that are not quite complete or do not have good formatting, and I may end up coming back to polish someday, but for now they just are as they are. I like the ideas though, s I’m sharing what I’ve got.

This one is Amras/Haldir, from a prompt that was never actually called in Back to Middle Earth Month back in March.

i.

Amras walked in from a visit to Hithlum. “I’m not going back there, send someone else next time.”

Maedhros: ‘Who did you annoy so badly?”

Amras: “Actually, it’s your fault.”

Maedhros: “How is it my fault?”

Amras: “You and Fingon are providing a bad example for the next generation.”

Celegorm had been in the next room. “Oh this, I have to hear. What’s the trend in court? Tormented duets? Tying yourself to buildings? Knifeplay?”

Maedhros: “Must you?”

Celegorm: “You won’t let me go to Hithlum, I have to get all my news second hand. And you can’t help with that,” he nodded to Maedhros’s prosthetic, “So I have to ask Amras.”

Amras: “It’s not a trend, so much as an ideal romantic partner.”

Celegorm: “And no one would give you a second glance if you didn’t tie golden ribbons in your hair. Do you suppose I could pull off the reverse? I think black streaks would look very fetching on me.”

Amras was not going to let Celegorm’s ridiculous comments get in the way of a good complaining session. “The new fascination is redheads who’ve been through a terrible personal tragedy, and only your love can help them recover. Especially if the redhead is a relative who your father disapproves of.”

Maedhros was unable to comment for a minute. “That seems oddly specific.”

Amras: “Maybe people settle for two out of three when I’m not there. As it was, I had to fend off potential suitors every time I wanted a drink.”

Celegorm winked. “That doesn't sound so bad.”

Amras: “Most of them had enough tact not to bring up Amrod in the first sentence, but only most.”

Celegorm: “Sorry.”

Amras: “By the end of the first week I stayed in the palace as much as possible, but unless I wanted to drink in my rooms I still had to deal with them.”

Maedhros: “You could’ve asked for a dinner with just family.” 

Amras: “I did, but I couldn’t get narrower than ‘house of Finwe’.”

Maedhros: “And?”

Amras: “Orodreth was visiting from Tol Sirion, and his son idolizes Fingon more than anyone else.”

Celegorm: “What’s his name again - Halon, Halmir, Halfin? Is he even old enough to court?”

Amras: “Haldir is fifty-five, and certain that since Arafinwe married at fifty, he’s old enough to do whatever he likes. He sat next to me at every meal, and kept saying he would be there if I ever need someone to listen.”

Maedhros: “It might help you to talk about it.”

Amras: “Not to a child who never met Father, never saw the Trees, never met Amrod, and is spending the whole time thinking about kissing me!”

Maedhros: “Of course not, but with someone. I find helping other Angband escapees get settled helped me a lot.”

Amras: “Tell you what, I’ll talk with Turgon next time I see him. We can discuss Feanor burning the boats and killing the most important person in our lives, and how we feel guilty because it was our decision to leave Aman in the first place.”

Celegorm: “If you put it like that he’ll punch you.”

Amras: “No he won’t. He was acting the responsible leader of his people last time anyone saw him, that doesn’t allow punching annoying cousins.”

Maedhros: “Last time anyone saw him was forty years ago.”

Amras: “Then I suppose I’ll have to wait a while on the soul-baring emotional discussions. I’m serious about not going to Hithlum though.”

Maedhros: “Alright, I’ll do the visits for the next decade or two.”

Ii. (Haldir so of Halmir) 

Amras attended a lot of meetings leading up to the battle Maedhros and Fingon were planning. After all, Amon Ereb is where the best horses were bred, and rebuilding the Noldorin cavalry after the fires of Lothlann was vital. But Maglor was the one who commanded the cavalry, so generally Amras would only be need for an hour or so at a time.

He had been told in very clear terms to leave intra-Noldor diplomacy to Maedhros, he went instead to the area of the city where the Men dwelt. Elves were not a rare sight in Hithlum. After a few days, he found the pub where many of the sons of chieftains, lords of a few dozen soldiers, and other such people spent time. They either had important specialist knowledge, or were there to show their people’s seriousness, but like him were not needed for most of the tactical planning. 

Amras sat down next to a dark haired man who, while nowhere near old age, was no longer a youth. “Does this place have good ale, or should I ask for wine first to dull the taste?” Amras asked in Taliska, aware of his accent but figuring it was worth the effort to try and be friendly.

“I find the ale thoroughly satisfactory, but my taste may be less refined than yours.” The man’s speech was, surprisingly, accented as well.

Amras shrugged. “If you say it’s good, I guarantee I’ve had worse. It’s mostly when people spend hours extolling an ale’s praise that I start to worry.” He flagged down the bartender for a pint.

“Literal hours?”

“My brother writes songs, and a friend of his decided to start brewing ale. He wasn’t very good at it, but there were a dozen distinct flavors in every swallow, and my brother sang a dozen verses for each of them. It was mostly to get out of a bet I think, neither admitting the drink tasted like horse piss.”

iii. 

Haldir of Lothlorien arrives in Valinor. There’s a party. he meets cute guy. They flirt for a bit, are somewhere semi-private like gardens when they meet. Amras says ‘so hot stuff, what do they call you?’

Haldir: “My name’s Haldir, of Lothlorien.”

Amras: “Seriously?”

Haldir, confused: “yes?”

Amras: “Artanis put you up to this, didn’t she?”

Haldir: “What?”

Amras: “Lady Galadriel of the golden wood or whatever she’s calling herself these days, did she put you up to it? You’d think she’d have better things to do than make fun of me for gossip that’s nearly fifty yeni old.”

Haldir: “First off, Lady Galadriel didn’t put me up to anything. Secondly, I thought you said you were around 2000?”

Amras, awkward: “Ah, sorry. I was counting years-lived rather than years-since-born.”

Haldir: “You spent four thousand years dead? How many times did you get killed that it took so long?”

Amras, defensive: “More like five thousand, but I just died the once. Lord Namo took a while to release me.”

Haldir: What the fuck did you do to get stuck there so long? “Glorfindel says even the traitor of Gondolin was alive before he returned to Middle Earth.”

Amras: “Well, Maeglin was tortured into it after all, and only doomed by descent. I was Doomed in person and specifically, and probably as many dead are on my name as his.”

Haldir: WTF?!

Amras: calm down

Haldir: “So, why did they let you out?”

Amras: “Something about Sauron’s theft of the last corrupted work of my family - I think it was a dwarven ring. The evil end foretold for our good beginnings was now complete, and the Doom fulfilled.”

Haldir: “So now all of you are just free to wander around Valinor?”

Amras shrugs: “More or less. My father’s still not out, and most of the Sindar kings have banned us from their cities. But there’s a lot of Valinor that’s wild, and no one’s stopping us Feanorians there.”

[purplesurveys]

397

Do you eat the crusts of your bread? Now I do. When I was a kid I used to ask my grandma to slice them off. Do you know who Miss Havisham is? Only because of Gabie. Which body type would you say you had? Idk, slim? Would you live in an igloo? I’d try it out for a night, but I don’t know about live. Have you ever made homemade lemonade? I don’t think so.

Is green one of your favourite colours? I hate green. Are you afraid of the dark? Only when the dark is supposed to make things scarier, like if I’m in a haunted house or the woods lmao. Generally I’m not afraid. Have you ever flown a kite? Yes, many times. I still reached the time when kids used to play outside, so I definitely had some fun with kites. What’s your preferred flavour of jam? I hate fruits so the only jam I’ll consume is guava, and only because it’s part of my high school’s signature tart. What’s in your fridge? Frozen food, ice cream, vegetables, some condiments/spices, juices, chocolate, a cake. What kind of animal did you last pet? My doggie. Would you ever consider becoming a nurse? No. I remember there being a huge demand for Filipino nurses like 10 years ago, and it seemed as though everyone took up nursing in college. But I never considered it, not even during that time. Do you like elephants? I love elephants. But not in a exploit-them kind of way, LEAVE THEM ALONE How are you for money? I think I’ll be good this week. I get to save money because Gab and I won’t be seeing each other for our usual date night, and I only drive three days this week so I don’t have to spend a lot for gas as well. Of course, I’ll be flushing these down the toilet because my friends and I plan to drink out this Friday. Describe your best pair of shoes: My favorite is my pair of white/red/blue Onitsuka Tiger sneakers. They’re so comfy to wear and yet it matches everything. Do you think you are more intelligent than the average person? I have my moments but I obviously don’t go around vocally stating it, or unnecessarily use ridiculously big words around people. Do you ever think about why we are here? No. That’s Gabie’s question to mull over hahahah, I hate philosophy. What’s something that saddens you? Old people who are alone, when peoples shop instead of adopt, animals getting endangered. Do you like cherries? Hate. Name a celebrity that you admire that nobody would expect you to: Kendall Jenner, although t b h it is getting increasingly hard to be patient with her increasingly problematic ass. She used to be my favorite but now that title belongs to Kourtney. Who is the most desperate person you know? LOL. She recently pissed me off so I’ll put her on here: my girlfriend’s grandma. What’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to you during sex? Too disgusting to share with the world, so I’ll have to pass. Are you lonely? Not right now. What is your favourite musical? I hate musicals, but I have a soft spot for Miss Saigon because my mom practically made me listen to it from the womb. Would you agree that taking drugs isn’t as cool as it used to be? I never found it cool. Animal print: yes or no? Not anymore. Who is the most fashionable person you know? Kate, for sure. Sis always serves a new look. Can you use a yoyo? Duh. A Filipino made it so it’s pervaded Filipino kid culture for as long as I can remember. Everyone had yo-yos. Do you like to colour? I do. On my Christmas depression break last year I bought several coloring books and a massive case of coloring pencils, just so I can finally start on the hobby that I’ve put off for a long time. What’s an instrument you’ve always wanted to learn to play? Piano. Would you go on holiday to a snowy place? I would. Anywhere that’s different from tropical Philippines. Do you like Kate Bush? Never heard. Do you prefer to shave or wax? Shave. I’ve never had myself waxed. Are you one of those people who are constantly playing Angry Birds? Hahahahahaha 2011 called, they want their fad back. Have you ever broken anything of value? I don’t remember anything right now but I definitely wouldn’t be surprised to find out that I have. I practically break everything I touch. Would you ever have sex in a public place? Sure as long as we’re not exhibiting it on purpose. What’s a song that makes you want to check into a mental asylum? Lmao wtf? You mean a song that depresses/numbs me too much? Cos if that’s what you mean, then there’s a song on the New Moon soundtrack called Slow Life by Grizzly Bear that I routinely listen to when I’m completely out of it. What’s the worst chat up line anybody has ever used on you? I don’t chat with a lot of people so I’ve never gotten anything bad. Have you ever completely misjudged somebody? Sure. Do you know anybody who is pregnant at the minute? Nope. Who did you last speak to on the phone? My girlfriend, aka the only person I talk to on the phone. Do you give money to homeless people? Yes. If I have snacks laying around I give that as well. Don’t you think that tattoos are just tacky? Some can be. Do you like politics? I hate it, but I have to pay attention because I give a shit about my country. Is summer your favourite season? Not really. The rainy season is. Do you know what OFWGKTA stands for? Nope. Sounds like some sort of boujee rap shit. When was the last time you were inside a tent? Seventh grade. What’s your best memory? As of now, seeing Paramore, my Sagada trip, or rebuilding my friendship with Gab. I couldn’t pick. Do you think Jenna Marbles’ videos are funny? I like her old stuff; I generally don’t view her newer videos. Have you grown up yet, or do you still think you have some more to do? There’s a loooooooot lot lot of growing up to do. 20 is not a mature age at all. What is your opinion on Internet dating sites? Whatever works for you. < Do you like folk music? Some are hits, most of them I really just don’t care for. Are there any strange names that you like? Ines. It’s such a pretty name, but it also means ‘annoy’ in Filipino so it’s always sounded a little off to me :( I also saw the name Imogen once and I really liked it, but I don’t even know how to pronounce it + sounds too foreign for the PH so I doubt I’ll ever take the name.

Is there anybody you would like to completely banish from your life? MY MOM !!! Would you say you had pretty decent music taste? Uhhhh it’s fine, but I wouldn’t share it to anyone. Your favourite pasta dish: Truffle mac and cheese or carbonara. Do you know what the most commonly used letter in the English language is? E. Have you ever felt trapped in a situation? Sure. Strangest thing you’ve ever seen? A weird creepy-crawly thing that fell from the ceiling onto my laptop. Ever had a crush on somebody of the same sex? Yep, I am dating her at this moment. Has anybody ever called you a bastard? I dunno, I don’t think so. Would you like to meet the queen? I’d take the chance if offered. I’m paying to take you to see a musical - which one do you choose? Miss Saigon. Do you think that the media portrays women as being equal to men? There’s work being done but it’s still not satisfying. Lowest point of your life: Some suicidal stints when I was 12 and 18. What’s your favourite flavour of Vitamin Water? Never drank those. Do you post pictures of yourself online constantly? Never, unless Gab is in the picture as well. Who is the last person you ignored? Elis, my orgmate who pissed me off two weeks ago. Do you know any lesbians? Sure, my girlfriend is. Would you wear feathers in your hair? If it was part of an even more elegant/elaborate outfit then sure. When was the last time you were well and truly scared? Two Mondays ago. Do you know how to use a camera properly? For the most part, but I generally don’t mess with the more specific controls e.g. aperture and ISO since that part I’m clueless about. Favourite member of your favourite band: That’s unfair. I love all of them. Which country would you be from besides your own? That's not... what? < Same. Are you ashamed of your own body? Not really. I don’t care how it’s shaped. Who’s your favourite female rapper? I don’t have one. When was the last time you received a letter? December.

[slashtakemylife]

Sad Voltron thoughts

The greatest weapon of the universe is really handled by a bunch of teenagers

So I’m late to this, I’ve spoiled myself since S8 came out but only now have I really watched the season and I’ve only reached the episode after clear day, now before I begin I will declare this:

I am a CASUAL viewer

I’ve followed VLD since S2 came out and the only ship I have is Adashi, and considering how you can easily take out their two scenes and the plot stays exactly the same, there is absoutely no ship bias in here, just a viewer (that also means that I’ve made this out of memory, any details I’ve miss please tell me but this are my thoughts as someone who is not going to take the time and go back into the seasons, I just watch the show and what stayed stayed)

S8 made me sad, the entire tone of the season is sad, dark and filled with loss and death, now this is supposed to be about the war and it’s consequences, to me it’s more of the consequences of Voltron’s actions, or lack of, rather than just Honerva’s evilness, so to me the fact that they must stop her is not something they want to do because they want to do the right thing but rather it’s them taking responsability for their actions, like saving the universe is the least they could do after everything they failed, (long post)

- Just to be clear

What Canon Shows

What I thought/interpret

-

In S2 Voltron along with their allies, the beginings of the Coallition, joined to defeat Zarkon, and S3 showed Voltron trying to consolidate the Coalition

The Coalition which is basically the UN and at it’s core it is just a group project, now each of these planets need to rebuild, yes sure they’ll sing up but each have their own issues so we need one neutral party to check and connect all the planets, this is Voltron or mainly, Allura, she is the face and leader of the Coallition

The Coalition plot line is dropped off the moment Allura goes to Blue, so we see none of them until later on

The Coalition still exist but there is no longer this figure to join them, imagine if the UN was just a big room were countries, whenever they wanted, would go and chat about problems the world may have, no one would go

I’d like to point to another part, the Garla, the Coalition began exclusively to defeat the Garla, not to create a united universe, they are literaly pointing a finger at them and calling them evil, the Garla, who’ve been inmerse in a conquerer mentally are left to fight and essencially detroy themselves

At this point, the Coalition works, not because Voltron is doing something good but because their objective, the Garla, are busy fighting themselves, thus no one is actively conquering or managing the enslaved colonies, thus making it seem like there is “peace”

S? I think 5? finally shows the struggle of the leaderless Galra and it finally dying out thanks Lotor becoming emperor, not by the Paladins, but by Shiro’s clone who is controled by Honerva

The Paladins couldn’t give a flying f*ck about the Galra, if the show had followed it’s initial intentions, Shiro would’ve died and Keith becomes the Black Paladin, it would show someone on the team actually cares for the Garla and wants to see them included in the Coalition, Keith, convinced Lotor is the right guy, helps him get to the throne, but since it’s Shiro’s clone controled by Honerva this moves becomes by the Garla and for the Garla, Voltron still doesn’t care about them and the fact that Keith is hardly there or mention, their Galra rep is essencially gone, Galra = Evil

Lotor rise to power is a Galra move for the Galra and it’s shown when he too shows to be evil, he is the crazy villain to defeat in S6

We get to S7, the Paladins learn the universe is in chaos, by the Galra again not having a leader and creating little evil groups and by the planets that didn’t have a defender, so what should we do? Go to Earth

For starters, S3 to 6 I rarely remember them doing anything with the Coalition so the fact that everything is in chaos by small Garla groups means the planets are still defensless, were is the Coalition? why they left each planet to their own device? why couldn’t they help each other?

With no Allura or Voltron or figure to join them, each to their own, leaving them vulnerable to attacks, the Coalition is just a name, Voltorn shook the bee hive, twice, and left, they killed their leaders and then did nothing for them, we also see a druid has decimated most of the Blade of Marmora

The Blade of Marmora, an organization that survived completely hidden for 10,000 years becomes more publicly active to support Voltron, they are now few in numers and pretty much extint

Earth is also in bad shape, Sam said they were the last people standing so it’s natural to assume many people have died on Earth, they get just in time because Sendak of all people went specifically to Earth just for fun of revenge and really by pure chance the paladins wanted to go there and they also get a big ship, the Atlas

We finally see the Coalition, we get to see aliens we’ve previously seen and they are all helping, it seems like the Coalition works just fine

S8, Voltron and the Atlas go back to space to hunt for Honerva but they are literaly just cruising space , they reach a Galra outpost were they try to get the Galra to cooperate, we learn this general was made to give his support to Voltron, only for them to kill their leader and disappear, making him suspicious or uncooperative with Voltron

At this point I thought, yeah, Voltron has killed the Galra’s leader twice, and it’s just now that they care for the Galra? When they are scattered, defeated, low on numbers? They never cared before, why now? Is it because the Coalition is not working and the Galra are weak that they are now finally taking them in consideration? They actually show Honerva is also decimating the Galra so do they go help them because they too have clues to Honerva? So they really don’t care, got it, only Keith does

And also at this point I go hu? That’s right, Lotor was empreror, did he do anything in his reign? Did Voltron tried to include the Galra in the Coalition? This is the first time I hear any Galra said they swore allegiane to Voltron and with Lotor in the throne it makes sense but did we ever see Lotor do something? I remmeber in the Honerva episode she said, find the emperor! And I thought, Zarkon? That b*tch alive? Oh please no! Oh yeah that’s right, Lotor was emperor, wait, what did he do as emperor again? He never even wore a type of head ornament to show status to really drill in my head yes he is the leader nor did he do anything emperor like or really ruled the Galra for me to think, yes this guy made his generals swore their allegiance to Voltron, this is the first time I hear of this and really no wonder he is bitter, Voltron killed his previous leader, put another that made him swear to Voltron and then Voltron killed him as well and left, like WTF Voltron? Chose a side you look like a moody teenager but you have the greates weapon known in the universe and you swing your sword and whoever makes you mad

They go to Olkari again by pure chance and only once they are close to the planet do they see it’s real devastating state, they also mention Olkarion was a key base to the Coalition, a communication base or just a base, idk can’t remember

So at this moment I think, that’s right, the Olkari! Then why did they go to Earth in S7? shouldn’t the Olkari be better equipped to handle the lions than Earth? why expose Earth who is still building up their defenses rather than go to the place they liberated long ago that has the best engineers in the universe?

Also they go by chance, first of all, this is the first time I hear they are vital to the Coalition, I know they are great allies but I’ve never seen or told beforehand they had such a big role and if they had, why didn’t they call anyone from the Coalition? Once Earth was back online they contacted Matt, the Coalition arrived on Earth, there is a working functioning one

Yes they may arrive late but I’m sure they could’ve sent a signal to the Coalition, to the Atlas, to Voltron who we actually literally in that episode see them use their mega thrusters just for fun, they should’ve recieved the distress signal but arrived too late not by chance, this makes me question their statement as if they were really a big part of the Coalition and only after they see the state of Olkari that they send the rebels to evacuate other planets, but it’s stated the robeast had beem destroying plantes for a while, why did no one in the Coalition said a thing? Why is it surprising now? In S7 the universe was chaos, the planets defenseless, so then we are back to square 1 but this time it feels worse and the worst part is that is their failure at not making a strong enough Coalition at going back to Earth rather than stay and help

In Olkari they mention how their information could save billions of live, Allura saying how they need to save all the lives in the universe

Ok, um which lives again? Let’s check the groups shall we? Earth was decimated not long ago, many people died, some are still alive, the Olkari were able to flee but we see that many must have died as well, Ryner probably dead, the Galra, are said to also be scattered and low on numbers due to Honerva, the Blade of Marmora are mostly dead because of that one lonely druid, the Alteans are alive but they are used by Honerva, if they speak they die so disposable and also in low numbers this are all the major groups Voltron has that I can remember

Everything is destroyed and dead, yes I know there are people still there to save but at this point, me as the viewer, I am just so depressed of this constant death and destruction, they never mention a bit of hope, at least one place they can defend and keep safe, a focus, at this point I’m just praying for Shay and her Balmera because they are the only group that they haven’t talked about

I can’t get emotionally invested, the heroes are motivated but they just look so down, so sad, I have nothing to root for, everything Voltron once did is pretty much gone and at this point I think, well what did they do?

The Coalition failed, I only remember seeing it work once on Earth, the farthest place from the conflict, by them failing at consolidating the Coalition the planets they saved are gone, their allies like the BoM are mostly dead because they came our more publicly to support Voltron, they killed the Galra leader twice and did nothing later which bit them in the ass when these random groups of Galra’s attacked them, they now are interested in the Galra because they are as much f*cked up as the rest of the universe and pretty much no longer a threat

I just...What The Ever Loving FUCK is happening, I’m sorry but I can’t get invested in this and worse, all of this just told me that everything I’ve been seeing for two years meant for nothing and no it’s not because Honerva was supper powerful but because they failed at doing what they were supposed to do! Honerva didn’t hit a well stablished big tower, she hit a Jenga tower that already had blocks taken away

And everything is so gloomy, not only am I sad all the time but it feels pointless, if they save the universe is because it’s the least they should do! I just can’t anymore, I know how it ends, I already reached the part were they go into Honerva’s mind so at this point I know they are not going to adress the previous issues i had, it’s only the big battle at the end were Allura dies so I want and don’t want to watch it but the only episode I’ve truly enjoyed is Clear Day and it’s only because it has nothing to do with the plot

.

Ok this is canon romantic stuff, I’m not feeling Allurance, Lance has stated his love twice, like literal, I LOVE YOU, Allura just smiled and the first thing she sees in her allucination is Lotor, her ex, I know it’s for the dark entity but it felt like Allura couldn’t shake off his memory, even if she doesn’t love him and she clearly looks traumatized to see him, it tells me she is not ready to jump into a relationship, she hasn’t healed from Lotor’s betrayal, she is just looking for someone to hold her before she snaps but I don’t feel an ounce of love of her to Lance, this makes me feel bad for Lance because he is cleary in love but Allura can’t and won’t be able to reciprocate until she is healed and I know perfectly well it won’t happen

[johannesviii]

The Adventuress of Henrietta Street

Some highlights of the last EDA I’ve read (The Adventuress of Henrietta Street).

I took these screens while reading, along with my reactions. As usual, this is full of spoilers.

“Let’s wish for something simpler next time. I need a break.” (me, right after reading Grimm Reality)

OH SHIT OH PLEASE NO NOT NOW. NOT. NOW.

This is not what I wanted.

I’m not going to make any friends here, first because I’m sure this book has a ton of fans, and second because I don’t dislike it for the reasons you might expect. Sure, it sidelines Fitz and Anji, sure, the ideas aren’t as numerous or groundbreaking as the ones in Alien Bodies and Interference, sure, the pace is extremely slow, sure, it does some debatable things with the internal logic of the series, and yes, sure, it mostly takes place in a brothel. But while these things can be considered problems, they’re not real problems to me. Some of the most creative things in this story are actually possible thanks to them.

No. I have a problem with the way this story is written and framed. And I can already hear someone saying something like "what, is the academic style too much for your small brain?", but I actually think it doesn’t go far enough with its fake academic style.

By all means, write a fake pseudo-academic paper! Invent a ton of fake sources and names! Write horribly long digressions in footnotes until they eat up the rest of the page! Analyse this story like a bad history student and put on paper some really weird conclusions about it- most of them probably wrong. Even if you don’t go all out and write House of Leaves lite, at least write Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell lite, please. Have. fun. with. it.

But it’s not written like a fake master thesis, because there’s no sources, no footnotes, no actual goal or real analysis (right or wrong), and in the end, it’s mostly written like a normal novel, except it has a very flat tone and often digresses to talk about historical events. Reading Henrietta Street is not like proof-reading a badly organised master thesis written by a dispassionate student: it’s like trying to read a novel buried under piles of gratuitous infodumps. And that’s a real shame, because there’s an interesting story somewhere in there. 4,5/10

Okay, this is interesting.

That’s VERY cool.

That part made me laugh pretty hard.

Apparently the biggest danger that sex workers face in their line of work is accidentally summoning demons, and that also made me laugh pretty hard.

I’m not sure this is supposed to be funny, but it sure is.

Aaaaaaand she actually summoned a demon by accident and that guy was killed. Okay.

That’s very nice but there’s a distressing lack of footnotes and fake references in that pseudo-academic book. Also if there’s no quote from the dream journal (or if there’s some, but boring), I will riot.

Okay, first, I have to say Scarlette sounds incredible.

Second, I immediately pictured her like Mylène Farmer’s 18th century libertine persona, except with black hair.

This is probably a bad thing.

Oh my god

Ah, I was starting to wonder where our main idiot was.

Please tell me Eight is fencing with Scarlette. PLEASE.

YESSSSS Oh my god what a wonderful mental picture.

SCARLETTE, NO.

WAIT WTF EIGHT HAS A BEARD NOW?!

Ooohhh, he has finally discovered where he was from and probably what happened to Gallifrey! Interesting!

We already kinda knew that was what made The City of the Dead and its magic possible, but it’s always nice to have a clear confirmation.

I’M HOWLING

"Hello I’m the Doctor, can I stay here" "Sure"

So he’s looking for magicians. And clearly doing some research. I have to ask, though: where are Anji, Fitz and the TARDIS?

Meanwhile, on "The Doctor Is Asexual", episode 75647

These books have recently acquired a strange taste for tarot reading.

Wait, the Doctor is sick?

That’s all very interesting but could you please hurry up a little bit?

Again, I wish this kind of fake document had fake sources and/or footnotes to accompany it.

Again, I wish there was a fake drawing and a fake source there.

Interesting.

Also... is it bad if I’d like to read that book instead of the one I’m currently reading?

So the demons actually look like apes. Uh.

How much do you want to bet these creatures were inspired by this painting?

I love this dialogue.

What is your plan and what the hell are you trying to do.

"When Scarlette asked reasonably what on Earth she thought she was doing"

I laughed out loud at this awful, awful typo in French. That should be "par les couilles" and the level of sheer incompetence on display here is worse than any misused French ever printed in these books (yes, even the non-sentences of The Turing Test).

If you don’t speak the language, don’t pretend you do & send it to an editor anyway. You already know I don’t speak English very well, but you don’t see me trying to get my English typos printed in a book costing actual money and bought by actual people.

What are you trying to achieve.

Well you’re not wrong.

FINALLY

This is a wonderful little scene.

"It’s worth stopping" YEAH YOU THINK

WAIT WHAT, THEY DIDN’T ARRIVE WITH THE TARDIS

WHAT’S GOING ON

Another wonderful mental image.

Okay so I think that’s an important character. I don’t think anyone spoiled me anything too important about this book, but I’m pretty sure this guy comes back later.

The fact I didn’t stop to consider how awkwardly Fitz would behave in a brothel is all you need to prove how innocent minded I tend to be

This would be so much better if it was either written completely like a fake academic work or completely like a novel, because this weird hybrid thing isn’t working.

CUTE

How much do you want to bet he did a James Bond impression.

Fitz no.

Also this is a pretty great scene.

Is that a compliment or an insult

Oh. So he was looking for magicians of sorts who could act as a replacement for the Time Lords?

Anji as a prophet and a force of nature is a marvellous thought.

"But they had a tendency to giggle every time [Fitz] walked past"

Okay, I guess Sabbath is bad news, then.

 Is Sabbath actually human? Because if he’s a Time Lord survivor, that would explain a lot of things.

Probably panic.

It’s not a real EDA until someone is coughing up blood

Or because this book is clumsily organised.

And here’s another typo in French (éventrés).

Also who is that random guy with a rosette and why is he, like, metaphorically eating popcorns in the background?

Is that battleship a TARDIS?

It’s completely anachronistic, so it could very well be.

A question you could be asking yourself in quite a lot of these books, Doctor.

Take a shot every time an adjective reminds you that Sabbath is fat.

I’M HOWLING

Ohhhh is it his fault because he destroyed Gallifrey? Is that it?

What the fuck are you two talking about.

So the wedding is some sort of ritual? What?

What inspired the author to sit down and write this book also remains unclear.

That still sounds wonderful and I’d gladly read that book if it existed. Although it’s easy to picture it like some sort of Codex Seraphinianus variant.

A strange way to talk about regeneration, but a pretty cool one.

Of course, Doctor, of course.

Why is the author so fucking terrified by this very mundane detail about women.

"Assassin" as a noun doesn’t have a feminine equivalent so this is yet another typo in French.

Ohhh, is he trying to rebuild a TARDIS? Where is the real TARDIS, anyway?

You really don’t want Anji to have any kind of major role in that story, do you?

So this is what the ‘horizon’ is like. I like the black sun thing. Well okay it’s a bit of a goth cliché, but still.

I SPAT OUT MY TEA

DON’T MAKE ME THINK OF BETTER STORIES

And I’m pretty sure this would be a lot more dramatic if this book was written like a novel OR like a cold academic piece, but it’s neither, so it just sounds disinterested.

At least we have excerpts from the dream journal mentioned at the beginning!

...we know. It’s a very, very mundane thing, dude. It happens when a lot of women are living together. It happens in nunneries too. There’s nothing magical or evil about it, and this is getting very ridiculous.

Recently, in one of these liveblogs, I was wondering how many stories had living planets in Doctor Who and particularly in the EDAs... so I’m glad somebody else thought it was a recurring theme as well.

No seriously who the fuck is this guy.

Okay okay I laughed pretty hard.

I seriously doubt that.

138 PDF pages, and next to nothing has happened yet, apart from a lot of exposition.

Yes okay but could you please do something with this idea instead of just exposing it layer after layer?

A bit too meta for my taste, but still enjoyable.

Again, more explanations for this very cool concept, but nothing new.

Okay. Now do something.

We knew this already. Now do something with it.

An interesting parallel but the book still refuses to do anything with its ideas at this point.

Meanwhile, nothing happens.

YOU DON’T SAY

OH. Okay. At least we know the purpose of that wedding thing now.

It’s… very weird, honestly. I mean, the Doctor never really had ‘roots’ with Gallifrey, he hated the place (in Classic Who, at least – and in New Who as soon at it existed again) and tried to get away from it as soon as he could. But hey, fluidity in canon and all that, so why not. Can’t say I like it, but yeah, why not.

Meanwhile the Doctor gets worse and worse and Fitz finds yet another girlfriend "out of boredom"- which is understandable at this point.

Usually I would be like "OH NO" but since something is happening at last, I’m like "OH MY GOD, FINALLY"

Wait wait wait.

You know I try to avoid spoilers for these books but I couldn’t avoid this one. So.

Is this the book where Eight loses a f█cking HEART

I WISH

And now the Babewyns have a leader, since you persisted to do nothing.

Again, I wish this book was full of fake sources for this kind of things.

Good description of the TARDIS’ sound!

Finally, someone’s doing something about the Babewyns! Go Scarlette!

I like this detail.

WAIT A F█CKING SECOND

IS THAT THE MASTER

IS THE MASTER JUST CHILLING IN THE BACKGROUND OF THIS STORY WITH POPCORNS WHILE WAITING FOR THE SHIT TO HIT THE FAN

Okay, so the wedding plans had to be changed and now the bride will be Scarlette.

And the Master is drinking in the background, like:

Eh eh, so Moffat wasn’t the first one to think about this!

Take a shot every time an adjective reminds you that Sabbath is fat.

Holy shit, Scarlette rules.

And this is very sweet.

Well you’re not wrong.

Eight you are literally dying, there is no shame in using a wheelchair, okay

This is a great mental picture.

I’m pretty sure "howl of laughter" wasn’t the intended reaction, but I’m sorry, he kissed Scarlette and instantly started the apocalypse, I can’t stop laughing

You know what, just for fun, I am going to pretend this is a post-apocalyptic version of the Library of the Serpent’s Hand from the SCP mythos.

Ooooooh boy.

YEP. YEP, YOU ARE THE MASTER. YOU LITTLE SHIT.

At least he’s being reasonable for once.

How very convenient for you.

Yes I was about to ask, could you please hurry up and die already?

OH SHIT JULIETTE HANGED HERSELF.

YEAH YOU THINK

ISN’T THAT OBVIOUS WTF

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

FDSDFGHFDSGHFDFH I KNEW IT

To be honest, this book is FINALLY getting intense and interesting.

WELP, FITZ ISN’T THE LEADER ANYMORE, BYE BYE FITZ

YOU DON’T SAY

Bye bye, Master.

You weren’t very useful, were you.

YOU DON’T SAY

This place looks terrifying in my head.

Finally, FINALLY, this book is gripping.

But it took the Doctor, literally dying on the floor, in a pool of black blood, in a post-apocalyptic dimension for it to become gripping.

Or just a self-insert.

OHHHH HERE IT COMES, FOLKS.

Ah yes, one last typo in French, just because.

YOU DON’T SAY

Hey, isn’t that the cover?

SFSDFGHGFDHHHH ONE OF YOUR HEARTS WAS LITERALLY TORN AWAY FROM YOUR DYING BODY FIVE MINUTES AGO, CAN YOU PLEASE SIT DOWN FOR A SECOND BEFORE CHALLENGING GIANT MONSTERS IN A FIGHT TO THE DEATH

Hi happy Eight, we missed you!

YES BUT SCARLETTE WITH A SWORD IS AMAZING

Holy shit, Eight.

Holy shit dude.

I hope Scarlette isn’t really dead.

Apparently she is. F█ck.

There’s hugs, though. Hugs are always good.

DOCTOR WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING

COME BACK HERE THIS INSTANT

OH SHIT SCARLETTE FAKED HER OWN DEATH

And she’s still pretty great, too.

How very convenient for you.

EXTREMELY OMINOUS.

Phew. I’m glad this book is over. It was just as exhausting as the previous one, although in completely different ways.

[mrgrant9559-blog]

Witch Way Is Right? Part 2

A/N: Whats up uglies! Alright so you seemed to love Part 1 of WWIR so much that I now have Clymida-syphilitis (JOKE)... So its only fair that I continue this series, even though I was hoping you guys would hate it so I don’t have to keep writing cause lets face it...

Summary: (Y/N) is a male witch and also comes from a family of witches. When (Y/N) is backed up in a corner by his brother, who chose the dark path, he is forced to choose his own fate, choosing the light path. This causes an Ecliptic War between Light and Dark Witches. During this war, an eclipse (both solar and lunar) is happening, and won’t end until one brother is left standing. With the help of the Avengers and other helpful heroes, will (Y/N) be able to defeat his brother, or will the world be forever secluded in darkness?

Subject: Avengers x Male!Reader (No pairings YET)

Warnings: Mentions of bullying. Thats it!

Prompt: “I have a crazy idea actually, the reader is a male witch, the avengers didn’t know it. They thought that he was just genius kid like peter that tony recruited to help him in developing his suits. One day he sliped and revealed that he could make vision turns into pink by only saying “rosea” and then he turned pink and the avengers were like ‘wtf?'”

Tags: @uselessace @avengersohyeah @thegreatficmaster @lzzywinchester

Part 1

Part 3

Part 4

________________________________________________________

Peter’s POV:

I still think there’s something weird going on with (Y/N). I highly doubt someone just randomly chants a different language when they’re mad, and what makes it more weird is that it’s Greek. I mean we’re in the same grade and I don’t ever remember seeing him in any of my Greek classes. Maybe he learned it in middle school or from a family member but he’s not Greek. Or is he?

“Ned, you’ve known (Y/N) longer than me. Does he usually speak Greek?” I asked. Ned and I finally had time to rebuild the Lego Deathstar, since he let it fall to pieces when he found out I was Spider-Man. I was honestly scared when Ned found out about my secret. We’ve been friends for a long time and if I know anything about him, its that he can’t keep a secret for shit! But so far he’s been pretty good about not telling anyone, except for this one time he blurted out to everyone in gym class that I personally “know Spider-Man” just to impress this girl I liked named Liz Allen, who just so happened to be the daughter of this bad guy I was having major problems with at the time.

He looked up at me with confusion written on his face, “I honestly have no idea. (Y/N) has always been a closed book. He never really showed that much emotion. Plus, if he DID speak Greek, I wouldn’t know because... well mainly because I don’t know Greek myself.”

In the midst of figuring out (Y/N)’s secret, I’m starting to wonder how someone as nice and innocent as Ned got to be friends with someone like (Y/N).

“Yeah, that got me thinking.” I questioned curiously, “How’d you end up getting to know someone like him? I mean you guys are complete opposites yet you seem to know a lot about each other.”

Ned frowned almost like he was serious and he’s usually never serious about things. “Remember in middle school when those 8th graders threw their lunch at me and kept calling me Fathead Ned in front of everyone at lunch?” I nodded in response with my fists clenched HARD.

I remember that day cause everyone was laughing at him while he looked like he was gonna breakdown in tears. It had me beyond pissed. “Well while I was at the front office waiting for my parents to pick me up, (Y/N) came to comfort me. He told me not to worry and that karma always has something big planned for assholes like them. The next day, those same 8th graders all got a bad case of the flu and couldn’t go to the field trip to Universal Studios.”

I couldn’t help the smile that kept growing, “Yeah I remember that day. I also remember they were perfectly fine the day after the field trip, and they were disappointed that they missed out on all the fun.” I chuckled, “I guess (Y/N) was right about karma having big plans for assholes like them, huh?”

Ned shook his head in denial, “No. I think (Y/N) WAS the karma.”

“Ned, what are you saying? You think (Y/N) gave those 8th graders the flu somehow? That doesn’t even make sense.” We were both standing up now, completely disregarding the Lego’s existence at this point.

“Thats what I thought until you mentioned him speaking in Greek.” I was so confused. He walked to my bed where his backpack was sitting and pulled out his laptop. He searched “Greek witchcraft” and a bunch of weird and disturbing images came up but one link in particular, which Ned clicked, stated that Witches usually use Greek to cast spells but also use ancient Egyptian for powerful spells.

Ned finally breaks the silence. “You see? It says here that ‘Witches have been using Greek to cast spell’s for centuries and only the strongest of witches use ancient Egyptian to cast the most powerful of spells’.”

I can’t believe it! Can (Y/N) really cast spells? Is he really a witch? Referring to a guy as a witch sounds kinda weird though. “Not to sound sexist or anything, but aren’t witches usually female?”

Ned rolled his eyes, “Witch is just a title, Pete. I’m pretty sure it isn’t specified towards gender.” I guess he’s right. Which means if (Y/N)s a witch, then that means he casted a spell on someone earlier today when I heard him speak Greek.

“Ned, if all this is true, then that means I must’ve heard him cast a spell on someone at school today. We’ve gotta find out who it was.”

Ned shook his head once more, “No we don’t. Pete, whose the one guy that finds a way to get under almost everyone’s skin?”

We both gave each other a deadpanned look, “Flash Thompson!” we both said in unison. Now it’s starting to come together. I mean I knew I heard him say something about Flash.

The real question is what kind of spell did he cast on him? “What do you think (Y/N) did to Flash? Whatever it is though I’m sure it’s harmless, right? Like maybe he made him completely bald with no eyebrows!” Ned said, causing the both of us to crack up. I decided to add my own joke. “He probably made it so his hands have toes and his feet have fingers.��� At this point we were both hysterical. I mean Flash Thompson was a jerk, so whatever he got I’m sure he deserved. Then Ned added, “Maybe he gave him a hankering for crack!” Ned was busting up laughing but I quickly frowned. “Ned! Thats not harmless! That would seriously ruin Flash’s life.” Ned cleared his throat to stop laughing, “You’re right, my bad. But what are you gonna do if (Y/N) really does turn out to be a Witch?” I haven’t thought about that actually. I mean if he does have powers then I’ll probably have to tell Mr. Stark.

“I guess we’ll have to cross that bridge when we get there. In the mean time, lets finish this Deathstar before it gets too late.” Ned nodded in agreement. I don’t know how we’re gonna ease (Y/N) into all this but we gotta play it cool. Otherwise, WE might be the ones with bald heads and no eyebrows.

The Next Day:

Reader’s POV:

I open my eyes to the sun beating down on my face. As a witch you’d think I’d have a dark room with dark curtains but if I’m being honest, I hate the dark. Plus I don’t do dark magic. If I did dark magic then that would make me evil and I’m not an evil guy, I just hate bullies and when people are treated wrong. Which is the exact opposite of a bad guy. Right? I go to the bathroom to brush my teeth and as I’m brushing my tongue, I almost choke from laughter when I realize that I casted that hairy tongue spell on Flash Thompson. Serves him right, though. He’s such an arrogant dick and I hate the way he treats Pete and Ned. Even though I’m a little rude myself to them, I still don’t like seeing them get hurt. I’ve known them since middle school. They’re like an annoying cousin you just don’t wanna associate with that much but still wanna make sure no one else is bothering them. I guess I gotta work on being more friendly and talkative with them. Even though Peter almost figured out my secret.

I walk downstairs to find my mom and dad watching the news. Apparently theres a robbery at the Roosevelt Savings Bank on Broadway. Well, there WAS, until Spider-Man stopped them just before they could get far. Gosh, Spider-Man seems like such a cool a guy. In fact, all the Avengers seem real cool to hang out with. Plus, after doing that history report on Captain America, I’ve kinda developed a crush on him. I highly doubt he’d give me a shot, because it doesn’t seem like he was into guys and even if he was then I’m sure him and Bucky are a thing already. I wish I was an Avenger, but after that little war they had at that airport, I don’t think they’re on good terms yet.

“Are you daydreaming about Captain America again? Snap out of it or you’re gonna be late for school” my mom said in my head. Of course my parents are witches too, so they can just interrupt my thoughts whenever they want, even if I try to put a protection spell around my brain, so it’s no surprise to them that I’m bi. I rolled my eyes and turned towards the front door as I waved my parents goodbye. I got a feeling that today is gonna be a long day.

________________________________________________________

Ok so I got done with this part a lot sooner than I expected... I feel like I covered enough in this part and it seems long enough sooo... Hope you guys enjoy!!

[beckythesooh]

About Rape

Kinda falling in line with my previous rant, I have issues with rape in an unexpected way.

I’m chronicling this on tumblr because I’m obviously unable and unwilling to talk with anyone about this in person. NSFW, TMI, and trigger warnings all around?

Anyways, last September, I was likely raped. I say likely because I’m still hesitant to label it like that because it is someone I know, but I’m pretty sure based on objective evidence of what I know about rape, it would file as rape. But it also hurts me to say I was raped, because it feels like I have am a victim that lost a big part of me—because that’s what being raped means in society—yet I don’t want to see myself that way.

So, I went drinking with someone I know, who is married. I just wanted to go drinking, because drinking is fun. I meet new people. I don’t often get seriously hit on and I never go home with anyone and I’m usually always in control of my body. 

But apparently my body doesn’t have a good control of red wine which I didn’t know until it blacked me out an hour after I had drank it.

Said married “friend” and I were talking to an American couple, stationed at a military base in Okinawa I think. And we went to another bar where I went to the bathroom halfway through, locked the door, and just collapsed on the floor. I blacked out and the wife came and found me and called the friend I was with.

I was partially carried (I don’t think I was piggybacked? But I was at least 75% supported. I could move my legs but not support myself with them) to my friend’s hotel because he said that it was nearby in comparison to my hostel. I cannot stand, there’s not way in hell I could look at my phone to determine if this was true to not, but it probably was. The couple also walked with us to make sure I was ok, but they left when we got to the hotel. The wife was really nice and I think so got me water or something? I just remember she was very kind and texted my friend the next morning.

Now, as always, I use the term friend lightly, as he was the husband of someone I worked with who was willing to drive my other friend and I through Shikoku. I had only talked to him like 4 times really. But really, I don’t expect people that seem human to abuse you when you’re unconscious, so...

Basically, I collapsed on his bed, and wanted to sleep it off. But for some reason he took it as “this is the chance to have sex with her.” And he took off my clothes and forced himself on me. During this time, I was conscious but not in control of my body. And so I distinctly remember saying だめ (no) like 5-10 times. But I’m half alive and still crazy drunk with no energy. My voice can’t sound strong. It sounds like a cutesy weak girl. And he ignored it, as expected. And I thought very clearly, “Oh, this is how it is to be raped.”

To be honest, I gave in, because I knew my body can’t move. I also didn’t want my mind to be “I HATE THIS. I HATE THIS. I’M SUFFERING.” So I pretended like it was just sex for the sake of pleasure, even though I was morally disgusted by—not the fact that I was being raped really—but the fact that he was married and I knew his wife and it fucking pissed me off that he’s not only cheating on his wife but by raping someone.

Anyways...... another side note, I also remember his fingers were rough, and I didn’t know if he actually put his penis in me so I thought that his penis was small. I confirmed with him later when sober if he put it in and I didn’t want to insult his pride so I didn’t say that but..... that shade is the only thing that amuses me. Though it’s legit.

Anyways, when I woke up, I still remembered everything (I’ve never lost my memory despite throwing up) and ran back to my hostel where my other friend was still at. And if I ever need witnesses in the future (though I don’t know if she’ll remember because she honestly forgets everything), she knew I was gone the entire night, she was worried about me, she know I felt like absolute shit, she was the one that helped me buy hangover medicine, and I told her I threw up in the hostel bathroom. Hopefully she’ll remember one of those facts since I don’t have the phone number of the couple (the guy does though), and the hostel won’t remember a girl throwing up on the men’s toilet floor (he was really chill about it so I guess it’s normal). The rest of the trip around we ignored what happened. I don’t want to force myself to be sad about something.

When we got back from the trip, I did call him out. But I’m unfortunately not good at being confrontational in public, so I waited until we were in a place without people too nearby. By this time and during the trip, it was clearly evident that he had an infatuation with me because he kept trying to touch me and hold my hand and took biased photos of me during the trip. Anyways, I told him that I did not give consent, I told him no many times, and that it’s messed up because he’s married. And like... he said sorry that he did something that bothered me, but he made it seem like he didn’t understand why him being married makes it even worse. And it made me so... I dunno if it’s upset or disgusted or disturbed that his wife is someone who I’ve had a similar number of interactions with. I told him I wanted to tell her to clear my own conscious, but like all douchebags, he starts guilt tripping me by saying that all his businesses will be taken from him and his marriage will be dissolved and he might as well die. And I don’t feel pity for him, but I feel.... a word beyond guilt-tripped. Not blackmailed, but like... the same feeling. Like “I know you’re not serious, but in the 1% chance my life actually does go to shit, this is all because of you.” 

Anyways, I listened to what was going on with him and his wife, but I ultimately I was like wtf do you even want. He and his wife are known to be the only couple in the social group that I know them in that act like they are strangers. Everyone has commented on it. But like based on his biased story, it sounds like they’re both bad at marriage and shouldn’t be married. It was such a Japanese couple where they’re business partners more than life partners, and they don’t even eat dinner together. I didn’t know if I pitied them or was disgusted or irritated or pissed—probably all. Ultimately he blamed their small apartment and said he thinks it’d get better when they move soon, and I was like whatever, doubt it, but fuck your shitty lives. I don’t feel kindness for idiots who decide that lifestyle for themselves.

While I can say it crudely and truly now, to his face I tried to be a nice human. With regard to my last post on girls who don’t say the truth, I can understand not being able to say 100% your true feelings. But when my mind was working right and I truly felt something, I never lied about it, I never said yes when I meant no, though my drunk or confrontation-avoiding tone often did fuck the meaning up to sound a lot nicer than I meant, or I stayed shut in insulting people.

With that said, here are the things that I regret. Japanese entrepreneurship is all about networking—not capabilities (yes, hard to imagine but true from everyone I’ve asked). I knew he had a lot of business connections and experience—all mutual friends kept telling me and literally all of them told me to ask him. So after all this mess, I called him out to ask him to teach me about business. Because we both like to drink, it would end up him refusing to teach me about business in a respectable regard, and instead he would want to flirt with me. I would let it happen because I’m used to letting it happen knowing that I can stop it if it gets too far—which I did despite many attempts to bring me to a love hotel. But I also let him hold my hand, and one time I let him kiss me because I was so drunk, tired, and enjoyed wallowing in his attention. That would probably be my top regret in life, and I’m really sad that I let that happen, even though in the big picture it pales in comparison to rape. But I did have control over that and leading him on after the fact. (I’ve realized I’m a hand holding whore. Literally anyone can hold my hand and I really don’t care, and it’s happened a lot.)

--------------

Anyways, going back to the original topic (sorta; this is all a ramble).

I think the guy who raped me is a horrible human being.

But as someone I know who is connected with a social circle that both of us are largely involved in, I don’t want to hurt him.

I don’t want to believe I’ve been hurt either. More than anything I’m hurt that I’ve been used to hurt his wife and I don’t have the courage to tell her because it would make a mess of a huge social circle. I’ll try to tell her when I leave that social circle and this country for good. If he were single, it wouldn’t have bothered me as much and I could have pretended it was part of the hookup culture.

But like... the rape culture... bothers me. Because I think what he did and all men who rape are obviously very very wrong and deserve to be punished. But like I do know that the guys who are convicted of rape... their lives get ruined from it. And for something that I believe I’m strong enough to not let dictate my life (or want to be strong enough not to, not that I know if that is the truth or not), I don’t want to ruin lives. Yet at the same time, I also think that for a lot of rapists who grew up with such a toxic mentality, destroying their life might be the only way to rebuild them. And like... the person who did it to me, if I talk to him of course he seems human. But I do know that his mind is fucked up. It’s so fucked up and I told him this and he ignores it. And like I don’t care if he dies or his life is ruined, but I also don’t like being the one that is responsible. That in itself feels like the guilt of committing a crime...

There’s where I’m at a standstill. In the past, I thought if I were being cheated on, I would want to know, so I would want to tell the wife for sure. But it’s just way too scary to start a hurricane of crazy, for justice that won’t make me feel better. I know I should think of it in terms of will the wife feel better knowing. But in all honesty, I don’t know. I don’t know if she’d the type that would be able to date, because she's pretty bad at getting truly close to people (I mean, me too so no judgment). Especially since they’re so Japanese in everything else, it just feels like they’ll continue to be a couple in name and not in emotions, because that’s how it’s done in Japan.

I didn’t tell anyone any of this because I didn’t want to make it a big deal. But I did want to chronicle this on tumblr or somewhere so that in the future if I do speak up about it, it wasn’t a sudden lie.

Anyways, I guess in summary.

1. I don’t like how people who are raped must be broken.

2. I don’t like how the only justice involves destroying lives, including possibly your own too—especially if I don’t want to consider my life destroyed from rape as it is. 

[survivingjapan]

EPISODE 1 - “Holding Reward At Gunpoint” Jonathan (Part 1)

http://68.media.tumblr.com/46c9df6f59ea9546f5bce886bded1108/tumblr_of3pd5e6Md1vzwwmeo2_250.gif

see. the thing is. I thought the prospect of having 26 people was going to make it a lit season with mess galore but this is too much. i dont know who these people are and im too lazy to go read all their bios so can we fast forward to merge when everyone h8s me and im begging for people to take me back so that I don't have to pretend to care about the early boots? ok tho I got really lucky my first 2 times playing to not be eliminated pre-merge or at double digits so im 99.9% sure my luck is going to run out this time..... just as long as I beat Jaiden, I'm good.

*ring ring* What is this telephone doing in the DR? Hello? OH hey Bodhi, no Matt's actually not here but I was just leaving a message for him, is there anything you'd like to say? http://68.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m9lmmjz1D01r5govf.gif HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Hi fakes! Sucks you can't join me.....if only you hadn't turned poor lil Crow into a raging bitter bitch in Great Lakes with that goddamn rock!

I'll do a cast assessment later but lemme just say that I am completely shook that Andrew and Pippa and Isaac are here??? God they're so ugly but it makes me so happy that my fellow premerge flops are here to kick some ass. 

First off.... You people must really hate me don't you? Gosh jeez Connor I thought we were friends! I feel I need to take a bit of a moment to chuckle because, and again, I don't know these people that well, but I know for damn sure I'm one of the biggest villains in this cast, and I couldn't be MORE excited I am so "nice" that I'm placed on the heroes tribe. Tbh most of what i say in my confessional is just so people can laugh at what I said after the season is over, but I HATE talking to people, especially fucking TWENTY FIVE of them, and not only that, but can we take a look at the elephant in the room. The only people who know how I REALLY play and how I REALLY run my confessionals and gameplay are Steffen, Andrew, Pippa and Isaac because they hosted me. WHY IN THE GODAMN SAINT NICK'S ASSHOLE DID YOU PUT ALL FOUR OF THEM ON MY TRIBE LIKE OH MY GOD I THINK I'M GOING TO JUMP OFF OF A CLIFF BRB. In all honesty, I love all four of them. They're like my tumblr parents, but I need to find a way to get them all to individually want me than all of the others, and I hate having to plea my case to any of them as to why I should be trustworthy, because that's not how games work, but the fighting argument for me to be on this tribe is that i'm extremely loyal, and I'm thrilled that I get to play my loyal card and not have to be on the villain tribe, where people feel the need to play like villains. I think I'm going to be more of a villain than a hero this season, but I'll have to make it deep enough for those colors to truly show, and I'm hoping I can make it deep enough. I am right now going to look to make relationships with Kendall, Trace and Drew, in hopes that I can use those bonds early in the game, and maybe make a really tight deal with Kendall and Trace because they both seem like great people, leaving my soloman family as an afterthought for now, considering there's a good chance they'll get targeted. My plan for now: Seem like a starry eyed kid heading into the big times and see how it works out. :)

WELL... After watching all the videos, I first have to say WTF is Jonathan doing... I can't tell if he's being serious or not. Sorry not sorry. Linus' video made me choke and then I see we've got two shitty Great Lakes people in this game, one from my tribe and one from theirs. I can honestly hope that someone just doesn't get around as much as I do, and this way they'll be a target first and not me. I am REALLY liking Trace already because he's a frat boy just like me, and never in a million years did I think that I'd find another frat boy in this community, but here he is, so I hope that him and I can do some damage this season in a very non obvious way. I think the other person I really need to connect with is Andrew because I think he's a really smart player, and I really want to work with him (and Steffen) and especially push away Isaac and Pippa because they seem like weak links on the chain, and I know all of them being here is not going to be good for my game because they're just going to target Steffen or Andrew, so hopefully I can keep those two here. As for the Villains tribe, Tommy has been talking to me all night, and I legitimately feel closer to him than anyone else from my tribe. Same with Linus, who played in Soloman, but we never ever connected, so this is good that he's here, so I can hope to branch a bond with him. I'm also talking to Jaiden, who I have past game experience with, and then Crow and I have known each other for years, so if it comes to that, hopefully we can be secret enough to make moves with each other. Those four villains are ins that I'm going to try to have for awhile in the game, and if it ends up working out, it can put me in a really good position. My night one seems to be over as I'm fucking EXHAUSTED and need to go to bed. My plan for tomorrow is solidify something more with Kendall, and maybe even get a "ride or die" type offer out there since I think she's a really good player, and I know she knows I'm good too, and I think we're both loyal, which is great. I want to take a work on Mist and Alex C tomorrow, in hopes that outside the night one craziness, they can focus on building a bond with me. I need to take a backseat strategically, but a social frontrunner because if I'm being included in things, and minimally strategically contributing, it will take me a far way, and that's what I'm hoping for at this point. With 26 people, it's going to be hard to not write a million confessionals, but let the good times roll and we'll see what comes out of this game. :)

Time for my cast assessment. As I'm doing this, I'm re-watching the cast videos. A lot of this will be based off of first impressions because there are some people I’ve never met before, and others I’ve only briefly talked to in group chats or games I got out early in… Lol. We'll start with the Heroes. HEROES: Alex: Eyeroll. Alex is honestly way too hyped. He is so arrogant and the few games I’ve played with him, he just came off so smug and full of himself that it made me actually want to punch him in the face. Sorry Alex, India was not a fun game for either of us and you made it miserable! He probably hates me because I broke his 80-odd day streak of never receiving a vote for or against him in Tumblr Survivor, or maybe because I knew about ***** being a catfish half the season. Anyways, I hope one of us gets out early or we never swap onto the same tribe. Alex is super close with Kendall and I know Kendall is close with Sarah, so those three are gonna work together well simply because they did it in India. Andrew: My Uncharted baby!!! I love Andrew. We played together in UI with Pippa and later Storybook All Stars so I’m SO happy for him getting cast for the season he’s wanted to play for so long. I don’t think Andrew and I can work together because both of us had difficulty working together in Panem, so… We’ll see. Love him tho. Ashton: I LOVE ASHTON. He’s so adorable, he literally doesn’t even know that this is Heroes vs Villains 3. I’m rooting for him simply because he was a first boot and he came off really kind-hearted in his introduction video. Someone needs to protect this kid, because he CANNOT get premerge again – it would be a travesty. I’ll talk to him at some point tomorrow I guess. Dom: I’ve heard of Dom a couple times before, didn’t know much about him though. I think it’s pretty cool that he’s married to someone who was in the community in the past, he seems like a nice person. I see why he is on the heroes tribe. I want to get to know him a little bit better. Drew: Drew…. Ugh. Another person I didn’t wanna see this season. I don’t know what it is about Drew, but this guy is like a virus. I don’t enjoy playing games with him because he infects everybody else with this ugly ass disease and then he wipes everybody out. Like I’ll give him credit where credit is due, he’s a great player, but at some point in your life I think it’s time to know that you’re not going to do much better than what you’ve done. He can only win so many times and I hope this isn’t the main season he wins against me. Isaac: I like Isaac. I think his self-deprecating humor is very fun and he comes off as very honest about himself. However, I don’t think Isaac likes me. He’s very close with people like Pippa and Andrew and that’s going to be dangerous for my game because there isn’t a lot I can do to convince Isaac that I’m going to be on his side this season. With that being said, I won’t actively pursue a working relationship with Isaac, but I want to rebuild our relationship because I could need him down the road and I want to prove to him especially that I have changed. Johnny: GINGER KING. He’s cool. I aligned with him in his very first Tumblr game and we got along well but I was constantly trying to backstab his ass and ended up quitting that game fhdaskhjk. He deserved it tho because he was super fucking messy. I don’t know how he’s going to play this season and I’m kinda surprised that he’s on the heroes tribe??? I hope I can work with him this season because I like him a lot. Kendall: I can appreciate Kendall. My issue with her is that she is so hard to work with because she only trusts the people she’s been with the longest. So I know her loyalty will always lie with her heroes and Alex and Sarah. Kendall has got to go sooner rather than later and I won’t have an issue getting her out if a swap happens. Sorry, Kendall. Mist: LOVE Mist. I was rooting for them (idk their pronouns btw) in Maldives and then they got removed so it’s messy. I’m actually kinda surprised that Mist is on the heroes but I guess it’s more of a creative decision to have them there. I don’t know where we stand so I’ll try to talk to Mist more tomorrow. Pippa: AHHHH another Uncharted queen! Pippa is so messy and I love it. She’s definite fodder for the premerge so hopefully she lasts just long enough for us to end up together and I can take her out. :’) She hates me and that’s okay because I think I hate her too? Whatevs. Nothing special about Pippa, she’s just typical avocado-hating fashionist Pippa. Ruthie: A lot of people love Ruthie and she does extremely well in Big Brother games, but I don’t think that her popularity there is gonna translate well over to this season. I will keep an eye out for her because I know she’s got a spectacular social game and could easily go far this season. Her placement on the Heroes tribe is no surprise in the slightest. Steffen: I don’t like Steffen. Trace: Total wildcard. Never heard of Trace before and his video was the blandest of the Heroes, unfortunately. He was the first revealed in the cast reveal too so that was kinda cool, I guess. VILLAINS: Alex: He’s cool. I talked to him quite a bit today but he hasn’t messaged me back. I want to get to know him better. I’ve been talking about previous games to let him know the kind of person I am in hopes that he trusts me or wants to work with me, I suppose. Ashley: We have history from India and we didn’t get along around the time I went home. We never spoke much following that and I never thought we’d play together again, but here we are. I think she’s on this tribe because she flipped on the majority in India and it cost her the game at final four. She got what she deserved, tbh! Sorry to say. She is a nice girl, I’m willing to bury the hatchet, but who knows if the bridge between us has been burnt beyond repair. I don’t know if she will trust me or not. Brian: He’s cool, I guess. I haven’t talked to him and supposedly he’s fake as fuck. We’ll see what happens with him. Crow: Love Crow. Like secretly Crow could be my showmance. I just get him more than I get other people in this community. I want to work with Crow so bad, and I think he’s got a better game than he lets on at times. I hope that he can help me mend fences with key players like Sarah and through him, I can develop stronger bonds with people from Cutthroat, too. Jonathan: I barely know him LOL. He reminds me of Justin Timberlake. Junior: Junior can literally go fuck himself, but if you think I’m going to hold that animosity towards him this season… you’re absolutely correct. Junior is going to come after me because he’s a dumb cunt and I truly want nothing more than to send his ass out first tribal council we go to. Realistically, that’s not going to happen because he’s got so many fucking friends here, but as soon as the opportunity presents itself, I will go full chaos Jaiden and throw his dirty ass into the ocean. If you’re reading this and you got me before I got you, Junior, good on you. I don’t forgive and I don’t forget. Kage: Kage is a MESS and a half. I like it. No clue where we stand because I attacked him once and he like, briefly left the community but it is what it is. We’ll see. Linus: LINUS! Not surprised to see him here, but he’s not someone I would’ve predicted to be on the cast either. I’ve talked to him a lot today and he is also pretty cool, and I went overboard telling him tons of things about myself so he knows exactly what he’s getting into with me. I actually want to work with Linus because he seems scrappy, yet loyal as hell and I definitely need bigger threats surrounding me at all times like him. Who knows who this guy’s friends with, though. Patrick: No offense but who is he LOL Richie: Yikes, again who is he? I don’t know anything about him except that he won a season. Sarah: I said this pre-season, I’ll say it again now. Sarah is a very dirty player. I absolutely expect her to lowkey screenshot my conversations, use her magic to record my calls or something, and use everything against me. It is no secret that she’s done these tactics in the past and she is definitely the queen of making pre-game alliances, too. However, this season I want to approach Sarah with as much respect as possible. While using her strategies to get far in games is not admirable, I will admit that it works well for her and I don’t need to be on her bad side already. I’ll let Sarah use me the first couple of rounds so she can trust me, who knows. I just don’t want to turn on her too soon this season. Tommy: In Cutthroat, I basically said that I hated Tommy despite not knowing him, and I have to say that he’s the one person who completely had my feelings about them change during that season. He impressed the hell out of me with just how nice he was? We talked on call for HOURS in Cutthroat and I really appreciate that because he kept the conversation going, too. He’s really cool and I definitely want to work with him this season, possibly with the other Cutthroat players or something. Tommy is a top favorite of mine right now. So there you have it. My cast assessment. We’ll see how this changes as time goes on, hopefully I have a good read on these people.

https://youtu.be/sJNDguNKVpc

Umm, not much has happened so far. Tommy and Ashley seem nice. I had an instant connection with Alex, Sarah, and Crow just from past games and yeah that's about it. The start of Survivor is kinda like a first date. If you don't make a good first impression, you likely won't make the merge (if ya know what I mean). With that said, I think my intro video was ok. I got a few people say it was funny. I fucking hate Jaiden so much. Jaiden can go rot in fucking flaming hell for all i care. You might ask why I hate Jaiden. It's because he doesn't seem like someone who deserves to be alive. Wow, that got dark

Currently the only thing I'm mad about other than Jaiden is the fact I'm not on ashtons tribe. I so badly want to Francesca him

How many puppies do I need to kill in order to get through you people's head that I am EVIL????????????????

6 the answer is 6.

I can't believe I haven't made one of these yet!  Life is CRAZY for me right now so I've been super MIA and I just hope that I don't get targeted for it whenever we go to tribal or whatever. I'm glad that we get a reward challenge and that the weekend is coming up so WHEW.  I'm sure then I'll have time to talk to more people and make more connections.  I have to like... not flop at this reward so that my tribe thinks they need me. :o) 

This weird squishy cat is my best friend now

So I'm on day two and feeling a little wary because I really haven't been able to speak to the people I've wanted to speak to, and most importantly I haven't been able to build any GAME relationships, except with Trace, but that was last night. I talked to Ashton a bit, and I'm thinking about bringing him on as a potential ride or die goat, and not necessarily a first boot material person, which a good move for me I believe. I started talking to Ruthie, as well as Steffen, who I knew already, but I really want to have one of the strongest connections with him because I think he's a REALLY strong player, so hopefully that can go in my favor. I've also been talking to Tommy literally nonstop, and he's actually a really cool dude, except I'm being a little wary, but I'm hoping he's got a man crush on me and he'll want to help me out a little bit down the line. I still don't understand the idol system, and I'm going to need someone to explain it to me because I legitimately don't get it. I think it's like a normal search, but instead, someone just says where they want to seearch to the hosts, and then the hosts exploit that location, so I think i'll go for it sometime tomorrow since it's once a round and I'm keen to wait for the reward before I go deep digging into an idol search, especially because I might get that clue, and if I do, I can really use it to my advantage. Such a shame I haven't been able to talk to Kendall today, because her and Steffen, along with Trace, are the people I'm most keen to work with, along with Ashton, so we'll see how this goes for now, but farewell for the night. i'm gonna go drop some cats into some boxes! As for now, it's time to do what I do best and beast out this reward challenge

Sushi Cat is the tru MVP. Anyways, I'm back to being cracked. I keep searching on the blog pages for idols because somehow I think the idol is gonna be hidden on there. Of course, I'm wrong, but there are just so many things that COULD be the idol hidden somewhere... I just don't know. I want an idol for some reason this season??? Probably to avoid going home idk. 

Anyways,,, Look What You Made Me Do is the OG villain song and it applies well to me and my Tumblr Survivor experience I don't like your little games Don't like your tilted stage The role you made me play Of the fool, no, I don't like you I don't like your perfect crime How you laugh when you lie You said the gun was mine Isn't cool, no, I don't like you (oh!) But I got smarter, I got harder in the nick of time Honey, I rose up from the dead, I do it all the time I've got a list of names and yours is in red underlined I check it once, then I check it twice, oh! Ooh, look what you made me do Look what you made me do Look what you just made me do Look what you just made me do Ooh, look what you made me do Look what you made me do Look what you just made me do Look what you just made me do I don't like your kingdom keys They once belonged to me You ask me for a place to sleep Locked me out and threw a feast (what?) The world goes on, another day, another drama, drama But not for me, not for me, all I think about is karma And then the world moves on, but one thing's for sure Maybe I got mine, but you'll all get yours But I got smarter, I got harder in the nick of time Honey, I rose up from the dead, I do it all the time I've got a list of names and yours is in red underlined I check it once, then I check it twice Ooh, look what you made me do Look what you made me do Look what you just made me do Look what you just made me do Ooh, look what you made me do Look what you made me do Look what you just made me do Look what you just made me do I don't trust nobody and nobody trusts me I'll be the actor, starring in your bad dreams I don't trust nobody and nobody trusts me I'll be the actor, starring in your bad dreams I don't trust nobody and nobody trusts me I'll be the actor, starring in your bad dreams I don't trust nobody and nobody trusts me I'll be the actor, starring in your bad dreams (Look what you made me do) (Look what you made me do) "I'm sorry, the old Jaiden can't come to the phone right now." "Why?" "Oh 'cause he's dead!" Ooh, look what you made me do Look what you made me do Look what you just made me do Look what you just made me do Ooh, look what you made me do Look what you made me do Look what you just made me do Look what you just made me do

Aight My Day 3 assessment of everyone in this cast: HEROES Mist: I didn't talk to him too much. But he seems pretty cool so far. Nice guy. Idk why but i like his pfp which makes me like him more. Alex C: I would go gay for Alex. He's great. Also he likes calling and calling is fun so there's another plus. I probably like him because he's the most like people I hang out with outside the game. Andrew: Another person I really like and definitely wanna work with. On call Andrew, Alex, (An)Drew and I jokingly formed an "A"lliance which honestly un gonna try and make real since those 3 are all great. Dom: I haven't talked to him yet but fuck he's good at sushi cat. Drew: Drew is one of the people the few people that I know from past games. He's just as nice as ever this time. Hopefully I can work with him. Isaac: Hmmm Isaac is the one of the people that I had a tough time having a conversation with. I'll try to talk to him more but I feel like he's just gonna be someone i don't click with. Johnny: I fucking love Johnny. Hes nice and easy to talk to and he says he's really good at challenges. So i'd love to work with him. Kendall: Her intro video was top notch and overall I think she's a top notch gal. Another one of my faves so far. Pippa: Pippa was the first person to message me after I got out of GL and tell me about everything in this community so she always has a special place in my heart. I haven't talked to her much this time, but I hope we can work together. Ruthie: Haven't talked to her yet either. She snapchatted me tho and I forgot to reply so I kinda feel like she. Steffen: Steffen hosted me before so I'll be wary that he kind of knows how I play. I haven't talked too much with him yet either. Trace: Super nice guy. That's all i can describe him as he's just a cool guy. One of my top picks for someone to work with long term. VILLAINS Other Alex: Idk him Brian: I've played with Brian before and he fucked me over hard so i'm obviously wary of him. I think he's the type of player that will flip on anyone so if i do work with him trust will be short. Kage: Im 90% sure the only reason I was cast was to counteract Kage but Tbh I think I'll probably work with Kage. The Great Lakers are all pretty close so I'd love to work with all of them. Crow: Another Great Lakean but I hardly know him so i'm not sure. Jaiden: Jaiden doesn't have a picture and it annoys me immensely. That is all. Jonathon: Idk him Junior: I liked his intro video but other than that I don't have much to say about him. Linus: Idk Pat: Idk him Richie: The love of my life. Please swap us together. Sarah: She's like Half Great Lakean. I've talked to her quite a bit over the first two days so I think she's someone i'll probably work with. Tommy: Had a fun convo with him so good first impression. Was disappointed when I saw he was a villain. Ashley: Idk her Overall my gameplan this season is to just connect with everyone in these first stages without talking too much strategy. Nobody is gonna target me first cuz they'll feel bad sending me out again and I'm honestly just a very very small target. So I have plenty of time to form bonds and let other people battle it out. CrowI'm such a legend when it comes to starting convos, replying once or twice, and then completely forget about them. Truly, honestly, I'm a social game god. I bet everyone either a) ignores my existence b) loves me in a way that like "haha you would be so fun to talk to but you still need to go....like now" c) doesn't know who I am People have said I'm charming but idk.....I don't see it? I'm awkward and socially inept? like, I'm no threat to anyone socially......so they should take me far....ya know....if they want? =) but anyways..... Obviously I know Kage - he was in my first season where he tried to pull a fast one on me and got himself eliminated and then Sarah, who was the hosting intern late into the season who cheered for me......and then Tommy and Jaiden from Cutthroat. I made a bold move to try and save Tommy and stuck by Jaiden even in his chaotic downfall, so if either of those hoes comes after me, they're fake and rude. Right now though I'm just being social with everyone and NOT talking game with people.....cuz with 13 people on a tribe, trying to form alliances will do much more bad than good, but hey, not to say I'd decline invites into alliances...:D

tbh I feel I’m not socializing as much as I should be, or people just aren’t talking that much, either or, I am just going to chill for now and hope I’m included in whatever I need to be included in for tribal council. I'm definitely just going to pray that I can get into something, and it's the real reason I REALLY need to talk to Kendall, because I know she's going to be the hitch to make something happen, and I want to be a part of that! I hope there aren't alliances made already, but if there are then fuck. It's not my fault I don't know these people as well as I should. Maybe I'll take initiative with a small group and see where it gets me... Perhaps Kendall, Trace, Ashton and Drew? Only time will tell. Maybe I'll take this time to take more notes on people's past gameplay like I've been doing for the past three days :)

jk Drew voted Kendall out of Malaysia. Abort mission. Abort Mission

My first confessional.  Yay.  Much excitement. So I'mma be quite blunt.  I hate hate talking to these people.  I'm not some social butterfly myself, but loorrdddyyy... I know a few of these people from before, and I do not like most of the people I already knew.  We just do not mesh in games.  So now, here, in my 3rd chance at the Sole Survivor title, I have to let these people control my fate?  Nu uh.  Ain't happenin'.  I have to do what I couldn't the first two times and W I N. I'll do a cast assessment later !! xoxo brain

Okay so this game is going pretty well so far. So far I heckin love Alex (the one on my tribe), we act like we have known each other for much longer than 2 days and I could see myself working really well with him. Kage is also pretty cool, and happened to tell me where not to look for the idol? Even though I never asked them to? Idk if that is a sign of trust or not, but if it is that's awesome and I love it. 13 people on a tribe is pretty hectic, but hopefully with this many people it will be easy to blend into the background for a bit before I start having to make tough calls. Also we won the first reward! And I must say, I have never relate more to a game than I did with Sushi Cat... anyways. We got a firemaking kit, not sure what it contains but we shall see. I usually have nothing to do with the flag making challenges so hopefully someone will just take charge and make a flag, then if we lose maybe they can be blamed? who knows. hopefully it goes okay though. 

I'm glad that someone else can take charge with this whole flag making thing because honestly?  While I'm kind of artsy by hand if I fail I don't want all the blame placed on me and whoever showed off how well they can make flags IS really good at it, the heroes are totally going to win! Also it sucks that we lost the reward challenge but at least people see that I'm a team player since I had one of the higher scores. I wish we did better though, it's frustrating! 

So we lost reward.... No thanks to Kendall for being excused, and Mist for getting a strike. Between Mist getting a strike, Kendall taking an excused, Dom being particularly non communicative because he's on vacation, Ashton sucking at TS and Alex ballsing up to do the immunity challenge for us, it's safe to say there are a good amount of names to throw up there for potentially being voted out first that isn't mine. However, I'm REALLY digging the flag that Alex is working on, and regardless if we win or lose, I hope he gets accolades for doing this because he did an amazing job and it looks really good! I hope tonight is the night that communication starts to flow and I can start making some deals if we lose immunity, especially the one with Kendall that I'm still fishing for. I have a good feeling that Ashton and Trace trust me, but unfortunately that's it for now, and I really just need to solidify something in the form of a vote to show that I can be an asset to people's games because I'm struggling to get my footing in this season compared to where I was in Soloman, so we'll see. I think Pippa and Isaac are more keen to work with me than Andrew and Steffen are, which is too bad because I want to get something with Steffen going early on, and we'll see where that takes me.

New Plan: I'm tired of waiting for Kendall. Steffen, you're up!

I'M BACK YA SHITS! Okay yeah I know it's only been 5 seasons because Hosts but point being, HvV 3 is something I had been dying to get into since I entered this community. Would I be a hero or a villain? Well, hero I guess. But listen - I don't intend on keeping this hero game up. In fact I think I have a better chance as a hero seeing as people might expect more "morally correct" or whatever the fuck you wanna call it shit outta me. So that means I can show the villainous side™ when they don't expect it. Because honestly? I think my app and mixed hero/villain reputation in general leaves me to be flexible with whichever direction I wanna go. So these assholes better get ready hehe Anyway this is day after reward was due (which we lost by a small margin but whatever) so I have a lot to discuss. Initial thoughts on the heroes? Fuck I wanna die. First of all, Connor and co. didn't realize until I pointed it out that they not only cast the entirety of the Solomon hosting team in Isaac, Pippa, Steffen, and I - he also put all of us on the same tribe. Which... Steffen hero? Unlikely content. Isaac and Pippa heroes? Yeah. Me? I still dunno. I mean this could be both good and bad because on the one hand I have numbers but on the other hand I could be fucked in the ass for having all these people I know. Not to mention Drew and Kendall are here and I'm also very close friends with those 2. Although, Isaac could be the one that's slightly more fucked connection-wise just because he not only has the Solomon hosting team but there's also a big fucking Malaysia bloc consisting of himself, Kendall, Drew, and Alex Crooks. Which I guess Crooks said he'll try to keep the MaGAYsians safe but whom'st've knows? Speaking of Crooks... Him and Pippa are gon' fuck. Like. I'm just saying. They vomited about theater on group call for 20 minutes and I'm pretty sure he's one of like the 5 (five) or so guys who actually likes Tits And Vajengas around here so I mean there's a chance... that could happen... I mean he's cool if we're on the subject of him now. He's definitely a more outspoken player and could be a threat? But also myself, him, Drew, and Ashton were on a group call the other night and all got along really well. Speaking of Ashton he's pretty chill actually? And seems down to Earth enough. I mean I still dunno if that Trump pic was a joke or not because he used the word meme but eh. If he's my number he's my number idgaf. I've talked to Trace, Mist, and Ruthie a bit too and I still need to talk to Dom. Which I should probably do today because gotta keep that social game up. And then there's Johnny who seems super excited to play with his hosts and I love him BUT! I know he can be insane. And I wouldn't put it past him to be like "lmao imagine if I vote out my hosts hehe." Not on my watch dot gif! In terms of villains... Holy shit. First of all, y'all cast Brian. Who hates me. I just don't play well with the guy like. He makes everything about him and has this self-righteous attitude but is also a snake so none of that clicks or makes sense and it's just like okay you dunno what you're doing huh. He doesn't like me from the Pacific Islands series after I've killed him twice, so there's that. Him and Isaac have bad blood too from that series so I can tell Brian is going to strictly be an enemy if I ever end up on a tribe with him. Same with Jaiden maybe? Idk the fact that Jaiden's here has me screaming because we just never end up working together. He's one of the biggest wild cards to play with in this community and we may be close friends but I'll vote him out in a heartbeat. And that honestly goes for any of these people. I've also talked to Sarah because she initiated convo with me and she seems fine but I know she's a messy player. I do need to work on connections though with some of the villains. I can probably try other Alex, Ashley, and Linus. Just because I have some prior slight experiences with them. I wanna definitely try getting to know Richie, Jonathan, and Pat just because I have never talked to them before. And like I said, connections with the villains could be very good. In Generations I didn't utilize the One World at all, so people wanted me out just for really not having that strategic connection to them. I don't wanna make that mistake this time. Anyway I guess last little tidbit of info uuuuuuuuh... I got a MOTHER FOOKIN IDOL YA'LL FUCK! I literally DRTYTFUYGIUHOIJPO god I was the first to search for the heroes and I dunno if the villains searched either but first fucking spot I find the hero's idol. Even Connor was shook LIKE YGIUHOIJPI I CANNOT BELIEVE!!! So now I have this and Isaac knows because like I gotta keep him close for now. And not only do I have this idol - but it can combine with the villain idol PROBABLY for a super idol. So we'll see where that goes. And oh yeah Steffen has an extra vote according to Isaac but it reveals who you vote for or something. Snake ass. Anyway wish me luck ya fakes :~)

So the move for me was to stop waiting and start acting! I couldn't do it too much, but I had to make a minor jump in the right direction since so many people were leaving me hanging. I really wanted to work with Steffen when I found out he was on my tribe, so I went to him with a ride or die deal. I am loyal to a fault, and there is no chance I'm going to turn on him with the deal I just made. He's going to be my Jacob, except, no offense to Jacob, but I have more confidence in Steffen to lead me into the right direction, opposed to Jacob, who was kinda loosely tagging behind me last season. Let's play ball, and if we lose this immunity, hopefully it's Steffen and I making power moves and not someone making a move on us, especially with the amount of people who've stood out early on as potential targets.

So I've tried being my weird self to as many as people as frequently as possible and in the process I made an alliance with Alex. Not necessarily because he's the one I love the most, but because he seems like he'll be one of the stronger influences in our tribe and in these early votes, I would like to just go with the flow.... Beyond that, I'm just trying to not flop at all this small talk crap by insulting everyone and hoping they take it as a joke because that's how I communicate... Tommy and I seem to be working together but we haven't said anything yet and there might be low-key tension between Jaiden and I, I can't tell.... I confided a bit in Alex so if I hear it come back around, I'll know he isn't to be trusted (I mean, nobody is to be trusted fully, we're the villains but I need faithful allies in these early days) Right now I'm playing myself down and trying to evaluate how these players are going to play based on their personalities because as of now, I do not feel safe whatsoever. I felt safer on my tribe of 4 in Cutthroat Island than this tribe of 13. here's to hoping that Crow doesn't get 26th *cheers*

 https://youtu.be/PLpY4ZXJQD4 I absolutley adore crow, alex, kendall, the other alex, drew linus and junior...god i love everyone..am i really on the villains tribe wtf djdbkdbd

[pigfarts23]

Probably sound like a madman, but hear me out

Each character’s song represents them, through and through. (I’m just doing the 6 from the GPF because know most about them (except maybe Otabek but like ... we don’t know much about him #littlescreentime)

How? Well  (TIME FOR SOME PROOOOOF)

This got hella long.  TL;DR: the YOI creators knew where they were going with their characterizations and managed to convey this through each of the program’s music

Details under the cut.

Viktor’s First skate: Stammi Vicino

We first are introduced to this character with a self assured “Commemorative photo?” after he comments on Yuri’s program at the GPF. But his first skate we see actually gives us a deeper insight into who he was at the beginning of the series.

I mean, this doesn’t scream “I’M SO PUMPED BECAUSE I KNOW I’M GONNA WIN” this is like “wow i’m all alone this kinda sucks”.

At this point, we have concluded he was lonely, what with all the meta on how empty and cold his apartment looks; there’s no personal effects, and it was noted that he was able to pack up everything in about a week. 

Yuuri’s SP: On Love: Eros

Now I know all of you are like: wtf?

But hear me out. After the events of ep 10, we know that Yuuri has this locked up personality that he lets loose for people he’s close to, when he’s on the ice, or when he’s incredibly drunk (Kids don’t drink 16 glasses of champagne. The outcome is bad; if you don’t have alcohol tolerance you’ll barf your guts out before passing out or if you do you’ll end up pole dancing and not remember the night at all THIS HAS BEEN A PSA). 

(side note: DAYYYUM SON)

Celestino, as a coach, has picked songs he feels like Yuuri would skate to, which means they were probably very much like Yuuri himself; reserved, quiet, witty, determined, etc. All of this eros is held back by an incredibly vulnerable Yuuri who wants to get through life while rocking the boat as little as possible. So the fact that Viktor comes along and says “Ah yes you’re skating to this.” he was like wtf. But this is truly him and everything he wishes he could be - confident, sexy, someone who is equal to Viktor in every way.  

(That’s my theory on why he was insistent he make Yuri on Ice equal difficulty to Viktor’s program)

Yuri’s FP -  Yuri On Ice 

OK 

So.

As said by the commentators, this song was used by Yuuri to express the different types of loves he feels. As you watch, he mentions all the feelings etc. etc.

But - Love. 

Yuuri has finally gotten love. It’s why the FP was record breaking. He’s gone and he’s fallen in all sorts of love with everyone. Don’t get me wrong - I’m not saying he’s just discovered love. He’s loved his family and friends and we get to see that in all the interactions he has with them, which is wonderful. But he finally realises that they love him as much as he loves them. Which makes him fill with more love and determination.

Not only that, but this piece is kinda.... a walk down memory lane. He’s gotten someone to capture his career, and if you listen to the music, it tells you exactly where he was dragged down and how he was able to rebuild himself and become even stronger. This song is Yuuri summed up in 3 minutes. You listen to that, and you know exactly who he is.

Yuri’s SP - On Love: Agape

Yuri is innocent and pure and for some reason, his Russian team (and the Hero of Kazakhstan along with Japan’s top figure skater) all love him.

Ahem. 

There’s no other way to put this. Yea ok he’s angry and yells and likes to threaten people (I mean.. same), but he’s very much like a kitten - he can really do no harm. 

(He’s got nicer hair than I do (also look at how innocent he looks)).

But Yuri is very innocent. He’s only 15 years old, and sure, he’s travelled the world. But he hasn’t seen much of the real world. His entire life is figure skating. He eats, breathes, and sleeps it. So he lives in what essentially can be considered a bubble. 

To the real world - he’s an innocent bean (it’s probably why they call him the Russian Fairy). And I think that he knows this, which is why he postures so much; all that anger and aggression keeps people away, like it kept Yuuri away at first, so that no one knows how young he really is (even though they say his age at every skating event).

Yuri’s FS - Allegro Appassionato in B Minor (RIP pianist)

To start, I’m going to translate this name (I don’t speak Italian, but I have studied music for the last 16 years AND I did ballet for 10 years, so I do know what these terms mean). 

Allegro - the musical definition is bright, quickly, lively. However! In ballet, the term is the same, but it is applied to airborne movements (side note I just rewatched his ep 12 skate trying to get a good photo and he actually adds in a quad! So he’s airborne! ish!)

Appassionato - passionately; play with passion.

(if this doesn’t scream PASSION i don’t know what does)

But Yuri is passionate. He’ll fight for what he believes in, as commented on by Otabek’s monologue (”Yuri Plisetsky had the eyes of a soldier”) and, I’ll bet someone dinner at a place of my choosing, he’ll fight for anyone he accepts into his family. This boy just has so much passion for figure skating (and cats. Definitely loves cats.) that it’s absolutely incredible - it’s something that can’t be contained and yes, he has to work for it, but with that passion, drive and determination he has, this song is essentially all him. 

Phichit’s SP - Shall We Skate?

This pure bean.

Honestly, just listening to the music, you get a sense of who Phichit as a person really is. He’s upbeat, enthusiastic, (JUST LIKE THE MUSIC!!) and overall he just seems like the type of person who can just make you smile purely by existing.

He’s encouraging and supportive and I think he was skating as the Skater, because the lyrics tell us the King was trying to learn to skate. The skater, much like Phichit, is showing the King how to skate, and basically being the best cheerleader in the world as the King skates.

Yuuri and him were roommates in Detroit; Phichit would have been incredibly supportive and encouraging because he’s the Purest Cinnamon Roll Ever.

He’s just so fucking supportive idk what else to say ok.

Phichit’s FS - Terra Incognita

So this piece is also upbeat and features a relatively happy overall mood. It’s somewhat inspired by South East Asian music (I’m not sure what part of South East Asia, but I feel that Indian vibe to it) which I really enjoyed.

But again, this just summarises the picture we’re given of Phichit. Granted this is all painted from Yuuri’s POV, who is literally the most unreliable narrator. But that one bit we got from Viktor regarding Phichit shows that Viktor actually is in agreement with Yuuri’s ideas.

So from that, we can conclude that Phichit is incredibly supportive and loving, not just to his friends, but to people who his friends love as well.

Chris’ SP- Intoxicated

So the first opening bit reminded me of Marvin Gaye’s Let’s Get It On. But once I got over that, this song is sexy, and sauve, just as we all know (and love) Chris to be.

This piece kinda .. flows, for lack of a better word. To be honest, listening to this song when I’m not looking at this dork’s face (or butt) makes me think of those scenes where the dude emerges from the water, and we get a slow close up of a drop of sweat falling down his chest or smth.

This song, at the very essence, is exactly who Chris is. He’s confident, mature, and just oozing sexual pleasure. It’s a nice contrast to Yuuri’s Eros, which wasn’t as sophisticated as this one is. This is essentially pleasure after pleasure, all done so well and controlled, all to ensure that the partner (in this case, the audience) is getting as much pleasure out of it as possible.

And not only that - we know Chris actually wears glasses, but it doesn’t appear he wears them in public, which means there’s a vulnerable part of him that he doesn’t want the world to know, so he shows his sexual appealing side and keeps his vulnerable side for his super close friends and fam.

Chris’ FS - Rapsodie Espagnole 

So as anyone can tell you, Spanish songs are full of passion. This one is no different.

As is this man. God the passion this man has... incredible.

Chris is a man extremely comfortable with his sexuality, and he’s very comfortable and confident with who he is.

That’s all I can add on for him because we don’t get much of Yuuri’s thoughts re: Chris to be able to see another side of him apart from the super comfortable with his sexuality version.

AND FINALLY: (I’m not doing Otabek I can’t do him justice if someone else wants to analyse his music (he was the only one who didn’t get original music (BEETHOVEN ASSHOLES) for both his free skates)) 

JJ’s SP - Theme of King JJ  (his song is hella freaking catchy)

Right of the bat, in both the song and the anime, we’re introduced to JJ as a man who’s exceptionally arrogant. He sees himself as someone who essentially rules figure skating.

And it’s interesting that we get a bit of that feeling as well from Yuuri.

This song and JJ are both incredibly arrogant - his song (presumably sung and written by him) talks about how amazing he is, and how no one can catch them. He taunts people, saying “Catch me if you can” and that’s exactly what he does to Yuri at the Skate Canada medal ceremony. “I look forward to climbing the podium again with you in Russia.”

He’s loud, brash, and an incredible show off, which is exactly what this song shows.

(I didn’t have to look up any of these quotes o hm ygod why am I JJ trash it must be Canada Pride)

JJ’s FS - Partizan Hope

So this piece is completely different from the last one. It starts off differently slowly and with just a piano.

The feel is completely different. To be honest, I get the shot of a person triumphantly crossing the finish line of a race in slow mo while this plays in the background.

The feeling of how he skates is completely different as well. It’s more triumphant, less arrogant.

Confident. JJ is a confident person, something the music reflects earnestly. And he knows he’s going to win, so he just skates for the fun of it. He’s not taken no for an answer, and because of that, he’s built up quite the character of fighting for he wants just by being loud, brash and opinionated (something that will get you strange looks on a Canadian bus, fun fact).

This confidence is hidden behind his outgoing self, which you can hear very clearly in this piece (probably why they put it second, because the ISU regulations RE: times would make sense for them to reverse this order of pieces).

“Ok, so I read all that. You’re right. What’s your point?”

Wow thanks for asking that! 

This is my point. 

Viktor’s second skate: Duet - Stay Close to Me

This is an absolutely incredible transformation - we know the songs of the characters represent who they really are. As a result, not really seeing Viktor skate competitions and then suddenly see him skate this, a song filled with so much hope and love (I was actually crying when this aired because the emotions were too much in this piece); the loneliness of the violins has been replaced with happiness, hopefulness and love.

All because of our dear Yuuri.

And I think that this is one of my favourite character growths in a tv series - Viktor, growing and changing not for love.

Instead, he changes because of it.

And I think that’s beautiful.

[asreoninfusion]

1-4,7,10, 11,13,14,16, 19-21, 25,26,30,34, 39,52,54,55, 61,62,65,67 also 69 - (b) - How mature do you think i am on a scale of 1 to 10 giggity giggity!

That’s a lotta questions! :o I’mma put this one under a cut, lol.

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

Yeah, my mum especially. To the point where we’ve been discussing buying a plot of land for my hobbit house and splitting the payments and I’d be 100% fine with doing that and trusting there to be no issues with the money and also we’d probably build the house together. She’s on board with my hobbit house plans.

02: Who did you last say “I love you” to?

Uuuuuumm, I don’t think I’ve said it for a long time, I can’t remember. I imagine it probably would have been my mum, but more likely in writing that in person ‘cause I’ve been away at uni and haven’t seen any of the family in a few months now.

03: Do you regret anything?

Many stupid small things and instances where I’ve embarrassed myself by being socially awkward. Nothing major though.

04: Are you insecure?

Depends on what about. I am content about some things, like being able to achieve things independently and get by on my own and also I’m generally perfectly happy with how I look, except for in photos which pisses me off because I know I look better than I do in photos and it annoys me that they make look bad. Fuck photos.

But then I am hideously insecure when it comes to dealing with other people like ahahahaha I am so bad it’s embarrassing. I need to go back to self-isolating I can handle that so much better. Every time I try to interact with people I end up fucking up somehow and hating myself.

07: What did you last eat?

I still haven’t eaten today, so it would have been dinner last night. I tried some of Domino’s new meatball things at a society/social thing last night, they weren’t that great.

10: When was your last physical fight?

Uhhh. Do sword fights count? Cause I imagine it would have been when I was taking the sword fighting lessons. That was like three years ago now.

11: Do you like someone?

Presuming this means like like as in crush-type like, no.

13: Do you hate anyone at the moment?

Nn, hate is a bit strong. There’s a few people in the aforementioned society that I am wary of, because they’ve made comments that are kind of racist or transphobic or otherwise Not Cool, but I’m too fucking weak-ass to call them out on it.

14: Do you miss someone?

Not really. It’s kind of weird, like, I say I’m close to my family but at the same time long periods of separation seem totally normal and I don’t miss them much at all idk.

16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment?

I... am still not entirely okay about last night’s society thing and the guy who was making transphobic comments. Like, if there’s one thing I really fucking hate, it’s people who spout opinions - usually opinions that are shitting on other people’s existences - when they clearly know fuck-all about what they’re talking about. Making judgements without knowing the full situation kind of thing. 

But I don’t feel like I know enough either to really stand my ground, so I say nothing because, as I mentioned before, I am fucking disgustingly weak. Like, evil flourishes if good people stand by and do nothing and all that jazz.

So, I feel gross about the comments, and I feel gross for not saying anything, and I just want to barricade myself off from the world because I can’t fucking handle anything, and then I feel gross about that too because ahahaha that is not how to respond to conflict.

(The amount of weakness + running away from my problems has gotten so bad I can’t even project onto Cloud anymore, even though he used to be my go-to identifier for that kind of shit. orz)

19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?

Mmm, I don’t know, that could end badly. I don’t think there’s anywhen I’d want to go to enough to risk it. I’d rather just go somewhere else geographically in the current time.

20: Where was the last place you snogged someone?

I have not snogged anyone at any point ever.

21: What are your plans for this weekend?

Too much plans, I wanna sleep. But I want to get the tables and graphs done for one lab report and do a decent chunk of the research for the case study thing I have to do for next week. Then I’m gonna hang out with a friend this evening. Tomorrow there are mentions of a group of friends going to the Chinese supermarket and getting together and cooking stuff?? (We’ve done that before but there has been very little in the way of organisation/confirmation of anything this time round so idk.) And there’s the social for the BDSM club people tomorrow evening as well.

This is too much people I’m gonna burn out by the end of the weekend aaaaaahh. DX

Also I needed to try a wash my hair at some point, because we do not talk about how horrifically bad that situation is. (I look at those posts that occassionally crop up with neurotypical people horrified that someone with a mental illness might not shower for two or three days because spoons and I die imaging the reaction if they knew how godawful I am with that shit.)

25: Do you miss anyone from your past?

Nah. I’ve moved countries enough that I am very good at forgetting people and moving on, I’ve had a lot of practice. That’s probably not entirely a good thing, but.

26: What are you craving right now?

Breakfast.

30: What’s irritating you right now?

I think I already gave a far too detailed answer for that in question 16. >>

34: Who/what was your last dream about?

Oooooh. I did have quite an involved dream, but I can’t remember it all that well now. I think the vine guy was there briefly for some reason.

39: How old were you when you had your first kiss?

I have not yet had a first kiss.

52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason?

Nah, sometimes shit just happens because people are assholes. Most times there will be a way to rebuild and make something better out of whatever situation, but I wouldn’t say it ‘happens for a reason’ as if people were meant to suffer however they have.

54: Is cheating ever okay?

No. I mean, I don’t understand it anyway because being ace I’m just here like ‘wtf??? is it really that damn hard to keep it in your pants???’ lol. But if you are interested in having more than one partner, good communication and polyamorous type arrangements are a much better way to go if everyone’s on board with that. 

55: Are you mean?

Never intentionally, though I imagine my awkwardness sometimes can be interpreted as rudeness.

61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?

It would depend on the person saying it. I used to have a friend a very long time ago who called me and our other friend ‘babe’, that was cute. If I trusted the person and it was done in a joking but affectionate kind of manner within a friendship/queerplatonic relationship I’d be fine with it. If it was someone I didn’t know so well and, like, if they’re trying to be sexy with it like a ‘hey baby’ kind of thing, that would be weird and creepy ‘cause no thank you.

62: What makes you happy?

Long hikes in lots of nature when the weather is nice, people saying nice things about fic or that thing that happens where we all bounce ideas off each other and end up with fic of art and art of fic, uni work that is actually fun to do and I feel accomplished when I make something I’m proud of, randomly having a gigglefit over recalling stupid funny things (mostly dumb vines or Markiplier, lol), when my voice cooperates and I can sing well.

65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

That is awkward as hell because I can guarantee I won’t feel the same way about them, soooo. If it was my best friend of the same sex that has more potential, since I would consider a queerplatonic kind of relationship with someone I was really close friends with and trusted a lot, but I’d be 100 times more comfortable with it if that person was female as well. (Or nonbinary, or trans, actually... now I think about, it’s only cis males that make me really nervous about being liked by. A generalisation, I know, but if any demographic is going to feel entitled to more than I’m comfortable with, it’d be them.)

67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?

Probably someone at the uni society thing yesterday, I guess.

69: Do you believe in soulmates?

No, certainly not as a universal thing. Like, it’s sweet to some people click so well it feels like they’re soulmates, but I don’t think that can be expected for everyone.

[lokeanrampant]

Indoctrination via Societal Influence

Had an interesting conversation recently that really got me thinking about indoctrination.  Cause I HATE indoctrination.  Despise it.  It doesn’t matter to me if it’s in real life, in books, in video games – the media doesn’t matter, because indoctrination is frequently used to teach people to hate themselves, to not think for themselves, to adhere to a status quo with which we had no say and is a matter of tradition for tradition’s sake (which if you know anything about my blog, you know I LOATHE).  

And probably no one will read this and whatever…it’s still something I need to get out and shout and rail against and just…NOT keep inside.  There’s a lot about gender identity, forced gender identities and attributes, overall influence and divisiveness to cause power structures, etc.  It’s a rant and it’s frustration and it’s tears and it’s pain.

And it’s sorrow.

The stereotypical gender molds – female and male separations – are divisive to me as they seem restrictive by dictating what it means to be one or the other and never the twain shall meet.  Which is, if I may, BULLSHIT.  What attributes of personality, interests, abilities, etc., are considered “female” or “male” by society is literally that – dictated by a society that was and still is geared toward creating division.  If you can separate things, especially people, you can place one over the other.  It’s not a merging of people to create a unified community; it’s a division of people to create a power structure.  This particular power structure was created to elevate men over women.  

Are there biological differences between the classic male and female genders?  Absolutely.  But there are also a fuckton of biological merging between the two.  Medicine is particularly bad about this.  To a degree, it makes sense – medicine is based on averages, what works for the majority of people who are similar to x, y, z genetics.  That is good EXCEPT when it goes on for too long, it strangles itself and becomes restrictive.  With the push for trans rights and visibility and care based on the individual rather than the “norm,” we are actually trying to steer medicine to treating what is presented, not what is textbook average.  That is brilliant and what it should be as it works for everyone based on biology, not some preconceived societal dictate.  

There is a reason most medications do not work for predominantly genetically female people – they weren’t tested or designed for those people.  The majority of medications and procedures and hell, even warning signs for diseases, are all based around predominantly genetically male people.  It’s why heart attack symptoms for women are so vastly different and missed.  It’s why women miss major illnesses because the pain is less than cramps and we’ve been told for years that we’re overreacting to how painful that is and that cramps are dismissed as an inconvenience, not an actual THING.  (Also, please note, anyone with a womb can have uterine cramps, because they are fucking contractions designed to push out unneeded biologic material, and genetics is a complicated and fascinating mess and variety of chromosomes - however you feel is who you are and you are VALID. Medicine is a bitch and until we get Big Pharma out of it and focus on actually healing and not money, well, it is going to continue to be a bitch.  Someone tell me why my new medication is over a thousand dollars, $350 with insurance, and fucking $5 with a manufacturer coupon.  WTF…if it’s $5 with a coupon, it should be FIVE DOLLARS FLAT.  Assholes.)  

This societal division creates self-doubt and anxiety that we aren’t male enough or female enough and it spirals into self-hate that we don’t fit.  And again, I call BULLSHIT.  My sister (and when I start talking gender issues, I start getting twitchy about even calling sister/brother/mother/father as they’re all gendered labels instead of parent and sibling, but ugh, that’s an issue for another day…) presented with PCOS symptoms in high school, especially hirsutism.  That caused her a lot of self-doubt in how people perceive her and how she perceives herself.  She’s afraid of anything that might make her look more “masculine” to people because of that, to the point she was terrified of getting a short haircut (and she looks super cute with it and she’s so much more comfortable in this heat).  WTF, people? We should not be doing that to other people!  

And OMG, the comments we get when we do things that are “traditionally male.”  Comments from men and women.  Things like demolishing, repairing, and rebuilding a deck.  The fact that I burn through a pair of “gardening” gloves and hand shears yearly because they don’t make work gloves small enough for me in the local hardware stores and I don’t putter in a garden – I fucking LANDSCAPE.  I move stone and gravel and till the ground and build raised beds and clear brush and brambles.  Garden gloves don’t survive that shit.  Doing these things should not be bad ass for a woman.  These things are practical and they need to get done.  My sister and I are fortunate to have a house, but we have it because we simply couldn’t afford to continue living in an apartment where the rent went up $400 every six months.  Our mortgage is less than our last apartment by a significant amount. However, that also means we have to do all the upkeep and repairs because we still can’t afford large scale repairs without years of saving.  It’s a constant battle.  

I am the only female in a department of 16 at work.  I get comments from the few other women at work regarding my hair, saying how brave I am (I am a dirty ash blonde, but currently have black and raspberry hair, super pretty, because I changed it up for a play.  I wish my hair had stayed the strawberry it was when I was little. *pout*).  BUT WHY THE FUCK IS THAT BRAVE?  It’s HAIR.  Why is it more…I don’t know, wild, I guess?  Why do we have to give up something like that after some arbitrary age? That goes back to that whole millennial reblog about how we feel pressured to reach arbitrary society-dictated goals by x age and that being an adult means we have to give up certain things. FUCK THAT NOISE.  I already feel that I’ve lost out on so many things because my mental health issues had me stalled for years, then I figured out who I was and got started, then mental health went down again (lovely roller coaster ride).  But I’m behind.  I’m so far behind on those milestones society says we should have by now, even though it’s ridiculous and we shouldn’t have to meet those milestones because they’re simply NOT APPLICABLE to today’s life.  They aren’t.  If you can meet them, hey, more power to you.  Most of us can’t.  Most of us won’t.  And quite a few of us don’t care to do so because there are more important things to handle right now and giving up who we are to obtain some arbitrary approval isn’t one of them.  And yet it still fucking HURTS that I feel I can never have some of those things because I was trained to believe I was only worth something if I had them.  

Even then, we can only go so far because our entire system is rooted in that nonsense and we still have to play by some rules just to survive.  And it’s stupid and it’s frustrating and you just want to rail at the system because it needs to be changed, but you’re just one person.  Just one.  And getting past the apathy of so many around you, encouraging people to speak up and gather together to present a front, to not be cowed, to not feel like their voice doesn’t matter, to make them feel like they can help make a change for the better?  It’s an uphill battle.  People don’t want to get involved.  Sure, a lot of them believe in better ideas and ideals, but we’ve been trained to accept, not to fight.  (Somehow, I always come back to activism for a better world.  I’d say sorry, but I’m not, not really.)

ANYWAY, back to gender identity.  

What gender SHOULD be is what each individual chooses to be.  

What society has made it is something else entirely.  There are these societal molds into female and male traits, where you are one or the other.  You’re not supposed to like or do these things if you’re the opposite one.  And it’s created this  schism where it’s so damned fucking unhealthy.  It created toxic masculinity that says males can’t be emotional or seek aid.  It’s created this hyper-femininity where women truly believe they need a man to do things.  And it’s not wrong to want a man to do things, either around the house or for you or whatever.  It’s not wrong to want ANYONE, ANY IDENTITY, to help you do something, whether that something is emotional or physical.  But it IS WRONG for society to dictate that those are NECESSARY THINGS BECAUSE OF YOUR SOCIETY-IMPOSED GENDER.  What YOU choose is what YOU choose.  That is what feminism is, that is what humanism is – the ability to choose for yourself what feels best to you, with the caveat of “so long as it harm none.”

So yes, I feel female. My version of female, because I personally don’t feel nb, though who knows, that may change as I get older. And she plays video games, both violent and not.  She not only gardens, but uses some damned fun and effective power gardening tools (seriously, y’all…alligator loppers are AMAZING – mini-gardening chainsaw that is brilliant for removing brush) AND landscapes with masonry, gravel, pavers, stones, and retaining walls and building raised beds.  She cooks, she cares, she loves (even if it’s not returned or wanted), she fights, she protects.  Even if her hands aren’t pretty or elegant, they are her mother’s hands – hands that can comfort; hands that can create life or if necessary, take it away to prevent suffering; hands that create as well as destroy.  Even if she doesn’t matter, now or ever, in the grand scheme of things, she is fire, an element of change, destruction, and creation.  

I was taught to hate everything about who I was from a very young age.   I was trained to believe I was only worth something through the male lens…and I was never, ever, good enough.  I just want people to NOT have to feel that, to not be taught that. I want people to be able to be who they are, whoever that is, without society telling them they are inherently wrong simply for existing.  I know I don’t fit anywhere.  I don’t fit mainstream.  Hell, I don’t fit in the outliers.  I’m not LGBT enough to fit there, either, as I have been pushed away from there on multiple occasions for not being enough.  

But I don’t want that for others.  I’m used to being alone and out the outside, but it’s a hard road to walk and live.  

[rfschatten]

"God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the Difference"  ~~~ Reinhold Niebuhr

A Community of Heroes!...amazing how Mother Nature turns our American Communities of Blacks, Whites, Hispanics, all ethnics groups, both Repubs & Dems, Rich Man or Poor Man...all coming together, rejecting hate and rejecting prejudices, with only one goal in mind...saving the lives of their fellow man!!

But even during times of natural disasters, amid all the 'Positive' attention on how American Communities bond with Courage and Moral Responsibilities, in times of Crisis & Tragedy...even then, you have the 'Negativity' of Human Nature. You have those who don't give a damn whatsoever about saving anyone except for themselves, it's those people who during times of Crisis, cowardly run away from their moral responsibility...even if they are safe on higher ground!

Hate, Bigotry, and Racism don't disappear inside a Flood! The immorality of Politicos and the immorality of those "Good Christian Pastors" who 'suppose' to teach and practice Jesus' Corporal Works of Mercy; Feed the Hungry, Shelter the Homeless, Clothe the Naked, Visit the Sick, and so forth! That immorality between Politics and Religion goes hand in hand!

Like the Immoralities of Pastor Joel Osteen, who conveniently closed his massive facility to take in victims, citing his Church was flooded. A very ignorant excuse for a supposed smart man, knowing it wouldn't be too long before being Exposed by the Press...for the Sh*t of a human being, he really is! The Following day, after a 'Hurricane' of Criticism by Social Media and by the Press, nationwide...the Good Pastor opened his MegaChurch to victims. Was it his Guilty Conscience? or sudden empathy towards his fellow man?? Or was it his Heart, his natural love for helping People in distress?? Well? How about a noticeable financial loss in his Congregation, and even worse in his dirty greedy mind...a really bad hit on his "Ratings"!

The excuse, this sorry excuse of a Christian gave for Closing the Church? The City didn't ask me to open it up! WTF?? This man must have missed "Christianity" the day they taught it in Christian School!

WHY WAIT TILL SOMEONE ASKS?? Listen, Joel! You say you're a Man of God? Act like one!! And if you're supposedly sincere in your belief in God?...it's your absolute moral responsibility to go out, open your doors, Feed the Hungry, and Shelter the Homeless!! The problem? This Fake Christian has no Empathy and way too much Bigotry! This grifter is a Theological equal of Trump, in every way!! Now though, he can Pray, Confess, do all the Acts of Contrition he wants, and be "Re-Born Again" over and over!!...cause this little Boy, when it's time to meet his maker? He's getting a one-way ticket, straight down to Luciferville!!

Much was lost in the tragedy of Katrina, and it became a national embarrassment for the US Administration. Harvey is much more massive than Katrina ever was! and if you believe Trump's Magic Snake Oil remedies?...how Trump & Co. is going to fix up Texas, greater than ever? People, especially in Houston, should be reminded that their spineless President slashed the Federal National Flood Insurance program down his golden toilet!...not too long before the Flood!!

And to show America even more of his "Humility" and Compassion, this Bullshit Artist who promised Texas, the Greatest most Awesome re-building relief job in History...besides gutting Flood Insurance away from about 50-100,000 residents, he made FEMA Funding cuts, and cut $190 Million in funding the updates of Maps for Flood Prone Areas! $Millions$ which were also "reportedly" diverted from Texas' Flood Insurance to fund his damn wall!!! And to add to the nightmare…a toxic chemical gas plant explosion with toxic water merging into the flood. EPA? Nowhere in sight & very silent!

How more disgraceful and how much more dishonorable could a man who's the Leader of our Nation be with the American People?? Lying to the victims of this horrific devastation about the greatness of his cooperation into re-building Houston...while silently screwing the Flood Victims all along, of everything they have!!

After Trump's delightful romp of self-adulations, Trump Hat Sales, and Mini-Rally visit in Corpus Christi...in the wake of a Catastrophe...damage control quickly set in place.

A Good Sucking Show soon followed, again in Corpus Christi. All, exclusively for the eyes and ears of Texans and Republicans. Gov. Greg Abbott and Mike Pence were given the assignment of covering up Trump's standard messy and embarrassing visit. Apparently, in a formal prepared speech, Abbott praised Trump & Pence for their valuable leadership work and efforts in this Disaster, then Pence praised Abbott & Trump with the same schpiel...it was one big sucking show! And Trump? He only praises himself, what else!

In his 1st Visit, Trump couldn't be happier…Wow! What a Crowd, What an Audience!!...2nd visit, he got his hands dirty helping a little and physically touching someone with less $$$ than him in 50 years. It was your Standard "Concerned Look after a Disaster" Presidential Photo-op…and Melania? still with her damn Spike Stilettoes! Trip 2 Sound byte embarrassments? "Harvey has been a wonderful thing for Texas"…and "have a good time in the shelters, everybody"! This, to people who have just lost everything in their lives…their homes and their livelihood.

Many fine words of condolence, praise to Volunteers, thanks for all donations, and solidarity among Americans. Pretty sound-byte moments of Unity...but, at the end of the day? Where's the Beef!?!? . Where's that Relief Money? Where's that $$$ going to come from? Over a Hundred Thousand have either lost or severely damaged their homes, along with all their Life Belongings & Memories...and on some occasions...the loss of their families, and even their own Lives!!! How do you repair and rebuild, when the Government stops funding the Federal Flood Insurance Plan, to rebuild your home?? How do you re-built a City without proper funding? Dumping a seriously needed Program just because Obama initiated it, to spite him?? That's just Cruel & Evil! Financially, eliminating Federal Flood Insurance will cause a serious economic disaster in Houston...an economic disaster that will fall flat and roll into a domino effect throughout the Country. Trump's Inhuman Philosophy: You got to destroy America first if you want to make it Great Again!

The Spirit of Man is more important than mere Physical Strength, and the Spiritual Fiber of a Nation than its Wealth ~~~ Dwight D. Eisenhower

What makes America Great?...certainly it will never, ever be Donald Trump!! In times of Crisis and in times of Tragedy, you can always count on the Majority of Americans to morally unite under one single cause! Like Ike said; the Spiritual Fiber & Moral Fiber of Americans are stronger than any Government Administration! Whether physically rescuing other people, opening their doors to victims, being Volunteer Doctors, Nurses, Paramedics,  or Firefighters; you can't always count on the Government…Katrina proved that!...but you can always count on your fellow Americans! Or if people can't physically help or live elsewhere? Monetary Donations in the Millions will arrive throughout the Country. They'll send Medical Supplies, Food Supplies, Blankets, and Clothing. All arriving from across the United States, Canada....and yes! Mexico!!!! And in times of Grief and Despair, all Faiths truly perform their Services together, in the same Shelters...all praying side by side…Christians, Jews, Muslims, whatever your denomination is! And whatever Hate between the different Faiths? !s remarkably absent in times of Catastrophes!

Houston!! So much respect for your actions on Immigrants and ICE! The actions on the part of the Mayor and the Sheriff in Houston, shows the exemplary behavior all Law Enforcement Agencies are supposed to have! And to the Citizens of Houston and the Hundreds of boats!. Your collective moral responsibilities ...your Empathy, honorably opening your doors wide for Louisiana Survivors during Katrina, and now battling with your own Crisis. Stronger Together…your Serenity & Courage is a shining example of what makes America Great! The reminder of Catastrophes is in the stories of those who perish. Like the tragic drowning of a Houston Deputy Sheriff, a Hero, who drowned while saving people's lives...and Ironically, a Hero who was of Mexican Heritage. And a Dreamer also drowned rescuing survivors. Did anyone being saved ever give a damn who saved him or her? What ethnicity were they? what color?  Who refused a hand getting out of the water? What Racist or Bigot preferred to drown than be picked up by a Black, a Latino, an Asian, or a Muslim? None!!

Ironic, how many people and Trump Supporters were rescued by the very same people who Trump calls Criminals, Rapists, and Drug Pushers! One Paramedic who rescued dozens of Victims happens to be a Dreamer…the exact type of person who Trump wants to deport and keep away, separated by a Wall! Yes! Racists and Bigot always like to talk tough, but when the Devil is tugging down hard on your legs, sucking you down through some broken storm drain...the most Racist and Hateful person is going to say; Please, Help Me!!

How is the GOP going to pass an already Losing Argument of a Budget? Fund the massive amount of Relief truly needed for Texas? and give Baby Donny some type of pittance for his f*cking Wall, so he can shut up, go away, and play somewhere else?? While at the same time, go nuts with a Tax Reform Package…and a President on the rampage with his own Party? That's the GOP's and Trump's problem!

An insincere, malicious human being as President with a total lack of Empathy, a penchant for wild raging Kleptocracy and Nepotism, and who obscenely over exploits his Base of the Poorly or Non-Educated, is not what America needs!…not now! not ever again! It's amazing how Mother Nature brings People together...and how systematic institutional Ignorance, Hate, and Racism keeps pulling People apart!

Oh God! grant me Serenity, Courage, and the Wisdom to know the damn difference! And in today's TrumpWorld, much more than ever!!