#I really am in a much better place mentally. my medication is finally right

[glcnpowell]

pt 2 sorry

[roebeanstalk]

6/2 Update: Security deposit has been paid!! Thank you so much to everyone for the help 💚 I still have to pull together all of June rent for my current place which is $675. Thank you everyone for all of the help so far 💚

I’m asking for help with June rent, which is $675 and needs to be paid ASAP.

Cashapp https://cash.app/clawshot

venmo https://venmo.com/rmck89

ko-fi https://ko-fi.com/roebeanstalk

Any help at all is super appreciated. Every dollar adds up, and shares are so helpful too. I know that I’ve received so much help from people in the past and I can’t thank you all enough. I hope that this is the last of these that I have to do.

Needs:

June rent: $23/$675

Security Deposit: $495/495 Paid 💚

Bonus:

July rent (First month at new place): $495

Movers + Uhaul: $300-350

More info on my situation under the cut!

Thank you so, so so much.

I have a history of mental health issues, and as a result I have a very difficult time getting and maintaining employment. My mental health also impacts my ability to keep up with and complete freelance/commission work in a timely manner. While I have made some incredible steps forward lately thanks to the right combo of therapy, medication, and a support system, I am still not at a point where I am self-sufficient yet. I am getting there – and I am committed to keep trying no matter what.

Original post blurb, taken out of main post since deposit has been paid:

My landlord has decided not to move forward with me as a tenant due to my history with payment/mental health. While this is frustrating as heck, it’s allowed me to find a better, more affordable housing situation. I have signed a lease at a new place and move in July 1st!Once the deposit is paid, my space on the lease is officially secured and I am good to go. This is the main thing that I am looking for help with.

Why I need help:

This new housing situation is incredible for me – it’s a room in a quiet house with two other queer folk, and the rent is very affordable compared to my current situation. The new place is $485/month, the current place is $675/month. Even with utilities, my total overhead for shelter will cost less than rent at my current place. If I can secure my spot in this house and move forward, I see such a clear path forward for me in terms of self-improvement and self-sufficiency.

For the first time in 15 years, I feel like I can tackle the things ahead of me. If you’re able to help out I would really, really appreciate it.

What I’m doing:

I am job hunting for something that works well for my situation. With the cost of rent, I think that a part time job will be able to cover it. The process of getting a job is difficult for me, but I am committed to continuing to work at it.

On the art front, I have occasional comic coloring jobs that help me out. I also have commissions – I have finally been moving forward at a good rate and have been really happy with my work. In time, this will be able to be a more standard income route. I also have a Patreon that brings in about $65/month.

Cashapp https://cash.app/clawshot / venmo https://venmo.com/rmck89 / ko-fi https://ko-fi.com/roebeanstalk

Thank you so much for reading over all of this. Thank you to everyone who has helped with donations or kind words or reblogs. Thank you so much to every commissioner and customer who has been patient as hell with me on artwork, communication, and stickers. Thank you thank you thank you. Thanks to every single one of you I have been able to keep pushing myself forward, and I'm so happy to keep doing it and make good on everything. And eventually, give back to my community. I love you all so much, even though i don't know any of you that well. Thank youuuu. <3

[emersonfreepress]

help i'm alive

So! Long time, no see. 2023 was a whole goddamn lot lol

I don't have a demo update to share yet, but that's because I had to scrap nearly everything I managed to write during a very, very, very bad stint of writer's block last year. I hadn't even realized it had been a block like that until I went over my work so far last month and realized it was bad -- like, trust me; a slog to read that didn't even sound like me. It's been extremely frustrating but I've finally broken free of that and it's been easy and actually fun to write again for the first time in actual years. I just hate giving updates that have no actual news in them. And I really had nothing to share other than: I deleted thousands of words and feel so much better now 😅

Anyway, little about my demo plans have changed: I'm still putting out the Chapter 3 demos in Choicescript/on Dashingdon and then will be going dark to move things over to Twine. Where I am in the process right now is... feeling like 35% done with the overhauled version of this chapter and 50% done for the next demo update.

As far as asks, I'm... not really sure what to do?? I believe I've read them all (I love you guys), but so much time has passed since getting most of them that I'm not sure if it's, like... still pertinent??? To go back and answer them?? I suppose some of them like character asks could be, but all the nice messages of support -- that feels weird since I've practically ghosted this blog since August! Idk. Y'all tell me what to do with 'em and I'll do it. Maybe I should make a poll.

Uh... that's really all there is to say regarding the game! I've added some personal stuff after the cut, but if you're done here: Thanks for reading and sticking around. It means the world, for real.

So what has occupied my time all this time? Doctor, therapy, money, and friends. And improv! But especially the first two. There was a lot of non-writing related stuff fucking up my ability to focus and write, so hopefully with my mind and body both feeling a lot better, I can get back to being present and active with the game. I didn't realize how physically unwell I was until last year and it's been like... life-long issues I've been treating. It turns out it's not normal to feel exhausted enough to sleep at any given time, at all times, for your whole life! wow!!

I also uninstalled Tumblr from my phone back in February, so you could say I'm sort of generally focused on offline life. (And what an interesting coincidence that my writer's block dissipated shortly after that...) I also just moved!! The last two weekends have been so expensive and stressful -_- But I can't even compare the old place to the new. We're basically paying the same price for idek how much more space. The cats are so happy; which means the house humans get to be happy.

My schedule is finally freed up from constant medical shit (there was a 3-month stretch this winter with multiple doctor appointments literally every fucking week 🙃🙃🙃). My mental health is doing a lot better -- literally incomparably better compared to where I was this time last year. There's live comedy now (which I dabble in, to be clear lol), but I've finally found myself able to like... balance it all. The physical and creative energy that goes into it all, anyway. The lovely thing about improv is that you kinda just show up and do your thing -- it doesn't cut into my writing time so much as it costs energy. Unless I end up in this comedy debate show thing next month, which I am very excited to give up writing time for

So like... Life is life-ing and I'm just vibing. Or something? I'll be around.

Thank you all again so much for your interest, support, patience, and readership <3

[pink-amethyst-tarot]

What you need to hear RIGHT NOW

Oh, my goodness, the urgency of it all...

Take what resonates and leave the rest. In the end, you are the one who is in control of your life.

P I L E 1 ~ P I L E 2 ~ P I L E 3

Pile 1 ♡

Judgement, Ten of Swords (Reversed), Two of Wands (Reversed), Page of Wands, The Star, King of Swords Bottom of the Deck: Wheel of Fortune

A decision has finally been made and you can now rest and recharge. You are now in a place where you can set long-term goals and will be inspired. You are now ready to explore new ideas and possibilities. The tables have turned, and good fortune is on your side. Your faith will be restored, and you will have the mental clarity to move forward.

Pile 2 ♡

Queen of Wands, Four of Cups (Reversed), Eight of Pentacles, Ace of Cups, King of Pentacles, Four of Wands Bottom of the Deck: The Magician

You need to be celebrating yourself! You have worked really hard for this. Be confident in what you've done. You gotta own it! Your hard work is leading to financial success, and you have many love offers coming your way! One of which is the person you will marry! You did this! You did the work so be proud of yourself!

Pile 3 ♡

King of Cups, Queen of Pentacles, The Devil, Judgement, Knight of cups (Reversed), Ten of Cups (Reversed) Bottom of the Deck: The Hermit

You are very caring and kind. That in of itself is not a bad thing to be. But you give so much of yourself, that you are left empty. It seems like you think you have to be needed to have value. That is not true! YOU HAVE VALUE BECAUSE YOU EXIST AND YOU DON'T NEED ANOTHER REASON FOR IT TO BE TRUE!!!! You are being asked to heal and free yourself from any guilt or obligation. It's time to rest, recharge and take time to understand yourself and maybe even doing some shadow work. This is the time that you need to be alone to better understand yourself and so you can learn to pour into your own cup. It's unrealistic to hold yourself to these sky-high standards.

If you are looking for a personal reading, you can look on my shop on Etsy at PinkAmethystTarot, DM me or send me an e-mail at pinkamethysttarot@gmail.com

If you feel called to tip:

C@SH@PP: $oddlycozycottage

Thank you all so much for interacting with me and my readings, it really does mean the world to me!

Page Divider by @reveriesources

LEGAL DISCLAIMER: FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY. THESE READINGS ARE FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY. no guarantees are implied. These readings are not a substitute or replacement for any professional help or services. My readings are not a substitute for any form of professional legal, medical/psychiatric, relationship, religious/spiritual or financial/ business advice nor consultations. You should always see a professional legal/trained adviser for help in any matter. I am not responsible for any decisions/ actions you take.

[thetreefairy]

Platonic Aizawa and Present mic where they reader looks like they’re about to having a mental breakdown any second and she doesn’t take her medication. (I just cheek my medication or just don’t take them)

Warnings: mental breakdowns, reader hates meds (like me), forced medicine intake, talks of punishments since she/her pronouns are used in the ask, those will be used. KO-FI

Reader hates her meds, everyone knew it, it was quite obvious. Often their friends in 1-a had to beg them to take her medication. And Reader took her medication so that they wouldn’t tell Aizawa or his partner Hizashi.

Only this time, Hizashi and Aizawa noticed themselves. 

“Reader is scared, she had been targeted by Dabi herself, so maybe she simply didn’t notice the way she was acting.” Hizashi told Aizawa, trying to defuse the situation. Aizawa always had the worst yandere tendencies of the two. “Iida told me she didn’t take her meds 5 times this week.” Aizawa hissed at Hizashi. “I am simply going to check if she took them.”

“Reader.” Aizawa tapped Reader’s shoulder, they were in the library. “Aizawa-sensei?” Reader mumbled out. “What is wrong, is there a new mission?”

Aizawa shook his head. “No, did you take your medication?”

Reader chuckled nervously; “So that’s what you want..”

“Did you take them?” Aizawa pressed, Reader shook her head. “They make me feel slow, I need to be on guard right now.”

This was an obvious lie.

“You are completely safe in U.A, and if I remember correctly you have no home visits.” Aizawa stated. “So that excuse is bullshit, follow me.”

“But, I still have to study sensei.”

“You can study later.” Aizawa hissed. “Don’t make me drag you.”

“Fine, fine, I’ll follow you.” Reader mumbled. Aizawa asked Hizashi to follow them as well. “What is this an intervention?” Reader joked when they arrived in the teacher lounge, the place she was usually brought to when she was going to get scolded. She then saw Hizashi pull her meds out.

“You are going to be taking your meds in front of us now.” Hizashi told her gently. “And if you don’t we will have to punish you.” Aizawa interrupted. Reader’s eyes widened; “Excuse me? You guys aren’t my parents!”

“We might as well be.” Hizashi mumbled, and Aizawa nodded in agreement. “Your parents are doing a shit job, letting you skip your medication so much.”

“Hizashi-sensei! How dare you talk about my parents like that!” Reader stood up angrily, and made the movement to walk away. Aizawa grabbed the pill out of his partner’s hand and showed it to Reader. “You better sit down, take your fucking pill and listen to us.”

“Fuck off.” Reader hissed, still angry at how they insulted their parents. Reader started to walk away only to be stopped by Aizawa's capture weapon. Hizashi moved to hold Reader down, cooing at them. “I am not mad at you, don’t worry.” He said as he saw Reader doing their best to get out of his arms. “I will forgive you for swearing at us if you take your meds.”

Reader shook her head, she didn’t want to take her medication. Especially around them, they seemed weirder than usual. And her medication makes her quirk weaker.

Hizashi tried to convince Reader to take it, and when Aizawa finally had enough he opened their mouth and put the pills in her mouth.

Before she could spit them out, he shut her mouth with his hand and closed her nose, forcing her to swallow the pills.

“Assholes.” Reader breathed out when she could speak again. “Now that is no way to speak to us.” Hizashi scolded Reader. “Maybe we should show the police the shit your parents have been pulling then we really will be your parents.”

[dollcherray]

HELLOOOO :D

I read the SMG4 and SMG3 headcanon I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THEM!

And wanted to ask you to make SMG3 x reader who got deaf right/left ear because of Mr puzzles loud crap

It's ofc fine if you don't want to c:

୨୧ THINGS TO DO ✮⋆˙

SMG3 X READER WHO GOT HALF DEAF

Type: Headcanons, romantic, fluff/angst (kind of hurt comfort?)

Warnings: Mentions of blood, Smg3 kinda blames himself? is that a trigger?

A/N: i am currently writing this with one hand and some fingers of the other since i cutted my left hand, yuh. (didnt know if you wanted one shot or Hcs so i did headcanons :3) and yes, i reused one of the banners, do something about it.

Song recommendation: Things to do

୨୧ It was something so fast, he didnt really process what happened to you at first, everyone was happy that Puzzles was finally defeated, laughing and joking, until he just saw you, holding one of your ears, unmoving, with a pained but scared expression, and he immediately got worried, hurrying to your side to see what happened.

୨୧ Thats when he saw it, thats when he knew it when he saw the blood drip from your ear to your cheek and jaw line, he froze, but quickly came back to his senses so he could at least try to help you

୨୧ What happened?! why was your ear bleeding?! what could have done this?? he got 10 times more worried when you said you couldnt hear on that specific ear, thats when he rushed you to the nearest medical facility.

୨୧ When he heard that you got half deaf, his heart sank, SMG3 was so sad for you, he loves you and he doesnt likes to see you sad or in pain and your saddened expression made him more hurt.

୨୧ He really hates Puzzles for what happened to you but now theres really nothing they could do about, except try to move on and adapt to these new circumstances, and when i say adapt i mean that he will get 5x more protective with you.

୨୧ Literally would not let you in any loud places or some shit like that, he just fears that you will get deaf on your other and only functioning ear too, parties? raves? or any place that is very loud because of the music? yup! forget it!

୨୧ He apologized to you the day you lost half of your hearing all the time for not taking much care of you and failing to, that if he took actual good care of you nothing would have happened, please reassure this man that its fine or else he might get himself killed because of his mental guilt.

୨୧ He treats you kindly 10x more, being so much caring for you just to "make it up" for the traumatic events, he will go to the depths of hell to just give a perfect day or something you need.

୨୧ He knows its kind of a delicate thing so whenever you feel like crying or just upset by the fact you lost half of your hearing just go to him, he will literally just drop everything hes doing, doesnt matter what is it, SMG3 will sit down to hear you one way or the other<3

୨୧ If someone make fun of you because of your deficiency, that person better start praying, Smg3 is portrayed to be very strong so, ill just say that the person would have turned into mashed potatoes:3

୨୧ “Deficiency or no deficiency, your still perfect to my eyes<3”

[dcviline]

Hey. I need to give a little irl update.

So. My mom got some really . . . not great medical news today. I haven’t talked about it in the dash much but one of the reasons I’ve been having such a hard time irl is because her health just got real bad again out of nowhere the past few months, and there was a period where we couldn’t do anything about it bc her insurance fucked up when she turned 65 and it took them a whole month to get back to us and tell us they fixed it, so she spent that long without being able to afford half of the medications she needs. And now after all that’s been resolved, her health is just. Awful. She’s in a bad place physically right now and is going to have to have an extremely invasive and dangerous surgery in the next 2-3 weeks. And getting that news today shattered me. I’m doing a little better after I finally got some sleep when we got home today, but this on top of me already being in a depressive episode is just. Hellish. I’m a fairly private person, I don’t post a lot about the stuff that’s been going on in my life these past few months, but I figure I needed to give some notice considering how bad things have gotten. I’m going to have to help her through a very intensive recovery period, and mentally I am just Not Well overall.

Tumblr is my escape from all the shit I have to deal with, and I’m grateful for being able to log on and play with my blorbos and have fun. I … really appreciate you all. Just bear with me if I’m more inconsistent for a while. Obviously real life priorities come first, I’m never gonna apologize for that, but I do appreciate the patience in the times when I’m slow or struggling. I don’t know what else to say, I just needed to put this out there. I love you guys. Thanks for sharing this hobby with me, thanks for letting me log on and share this space with you and distract myself from the absolute horror movie that my life is right now. Pray for my mom 🩷

[romanarose]

Life update if anyone cares.

I only post this bc i was posting my depressing shit for months and a lot of people were reaching out in concern <3

cw sever depression, self harm, suicide, csa, SA, all the bad. but also lots of good <3

TLDR: Despite a god-awful semester, i got all a's and b's

Everyone thats been following me the last few months has seem my personal posts about how fucking awful things have been for me.

I've dealt with fact I can no longer deny that what happened to me was CSA, despite being on a milder side of things. That sparked an absolutely spiral. I didnt sleep for months which made things worse. School, I got an F on a midterm and i NEVER get F's on writing assignments.

Work had its complications and i quit and then rescinded that quit two days later. I was so constantly depressed in my dorm my roommate literally told me i needed to go to the basketball game with them bc i was sitting in a depression hovel none stop. I only went to services twice this whole time, one shabbat and once for Rosh Hoshannah.

I burned the ever living fuck out of my fingers, yall remember that one? lol.

In novemeber i had relapsed so severely on self harm i thought i had accidentally killed myself. I should've called 911. I thought I was bleeding out and/or going into shock. I then worked myself up more by going down pages of the internet about medical shook and people dying from it. that did not help my heart rate. I couldn't stand, I couldnt see straight for a while.

I could not afford an ambulance or a hospital stay as i am uninsured and only ork 25 hours a week. not a lot of money.

All this happened and I didn't miss work. This is not a brag, this is me not being able to makegood choices for myself.

Finally, thanksgiving break hit. Thank fucking god. I WANTED to use those 4 days of absolutely nothing to get to my TWO BIG RESEARCH PAPERS I HADNT STRTED YET but alas, I was SICK. I was so sick, in fact, and so hoped up on cough medicine for 3 days i was incomprehensible.

I was so physically ill, i couldnt even think about how mentally ill i was. I slept and slept and slept. And by the time sunday hit, I felt so recharged.

My failed midterm was so bad and so not me my professsor reached out to me. Im close with him (in a v appropriate way lol, hes a bruce springsteen fan too) and i felt comfortable telling him essentially that for a few months there things were severe, and I really should've gone in for a 72 hour hold multiple times and i was not safe. through a few lines of resources, I ended up back in therapy bc my school added a new therapist that is a woman (i stopped going last year bc i didnt like seeing a man)

I like my new therapist.

Anway, in about 2 weeks I wrote 2 12 page research papers, 2 book report papers, 1 science paper did 2 presentations, took 2 finals, wrote 2 more finals with essay questions, and at the end of it all, not only did I not fail any classes...

I GOT ALL A'S AND B'S! Which means my gpa is still high enough to renew my scholarship for my last year

I am so fucking proud of myself for accomplishing all this despite suffering so fucking badly. I havnt felt pain like that in years, just agony.

I had a down turn again over christmas bc my siblings were literally ass, upto and including making fun of me for not ating (i am multiple accounts of sexual trauma from several people, so im scared of dating), making fun of my eating, and my sister slapping me and my older brother hitting me. Was a bad time. But for right now, im in the place im staying for break (all january) im back at my old day care and they love me, and olive garden at this store has been going great

Im hoping next semester to be better, im hopful at least

Anyway, thank you so much to everyone who has supported my writing has supported me through these times. It makes me happy that i came her to share my silly little moon knight x reader series, not really intending on writing a whole lot, but next thing i know, i have friends and a lil community. so thank you <3

[bwobgames]

Previous First

"Coffee, finally"

"Man, I can't believe it's over"

"That's understandable, we basically spent the whole night on panic mode"

"I know! And now we are supposed to go back and worry about normal stuff?

This is like when I was a kid and thought quicksand would be a big problem in my day to day life

What do you mean I don't have to think about time resetting maniacs anymore??"

"I mean, who would believe it?"

"That's true.

All of us are going to trauma bond so much"

"I can see that.

I'm glad we got friends out of it, at least.

That's how difficult it is to make friends as an adult, you need at least one stabbing for a dnd group"

"Been there, been there"

The house explodes again, the bomb squad is waiting on firefighters and the police.

The body was found and covered

They all agreed it was an attempted mass murder gone wrong

"... So, how do you feel?"

"Like a very used rope that will snap at the lightest weight"

"I feel like my skin is not as resistant as it used to be, like whatever happened took parts of me that I'll never get back"

"...Yeah, I understand"

"Not to be pessimistic, but part of me feels like I will never leave this place

Even though it's destroyed, even if they tear it down and build a starbucks on top

I think I'll still be here

A ghost of me"

Oliver Beebo recently started believing in ghosts

The supernatural and psychological type

"My dreams are going to get so weird now"

"Hey, I told you, didn't I? I have great contacts in the mental health department"

"Is that why you're so put together still?"

"I am nowhere near put together, I'm just great at acting like I do"

"I think someone called it masking?"

"Comes with the job"

"I'm sure"

Marigold approaches

"Hello! I wanted you two to know that we will take care of everything legal, but we do need you to testify, so if I could have your numbers for further contact?"

"Oh, of course"

"Also, the now renamed family Iraola cordially invites you to any and all holidays and game nights"

"Oh, nice! Does this involve card games?"

"If you ask Owen, he will immediately challenge you to some kind of battle on his multiple card game sets"

"I will bring only my best for such opponent"

"Uh, miss Marigold Iraola?"

"Yes?"

"When should we concrete the legal agreement to pass you the company?"

".... What?"

"You are the one who should have it. It's only fair"

He gives Oliver a look

"... really? But you used so much money!"

"Well, I wouldn't mind a, let's say, monetary compensation for my efforts both here and there"

"I don't think 'efforts' is the right word for your work at the company, Nadia would throttle you for saying that"

"Did it go broke."

"Uh. I don't know"

"...Alright, that's fine. I'll fix it and get you two with psychological compensation, medical compensation, and, well, compensation for the detective work"

"I have been in worse situations and been paid 20 dollars. This is the best thing that could happen to my wallet"

They interchange phone numbers and are put on the "Clock haters" groupchat

Vivi immediately floods his phone with cat memes

He answers with a thumbs up emoji

"... I feel like I should do something"

"It better not be stand up. Your ankle is lumpy and weird"

"No, no. I mean...

When I was at the other house, I promised to let a bit of beard grow, to, yknow, commemorate my survival, I guess.

Maybe I should let my hair grow? Would it look to unkept?"

"If you let someone else cut it, then you could look fine"

"But my money"

"I'll get it for you, im curious too.

Although, now we have these huge gashes on our faces, doesn't that count?"

"No, They weren't made intentionally.

...Maybe a tattoo?"

"Oh yeah! That's a good idea! I'll take you to my usual parlor"

"You have tattoos?"

"Yeah, but it's too cold to show you right now"

"Where will you go after this, by the way. Back to the capital?"

"No, I'm going to be too tired in the way there, I'll just stay the night at my hotel"

"Oh... well... y'know..."

"I don't live that far, well, I live in the region center, but that's way closer to here than the capital so, uh..."

"You could, you know, stay over if you want"

"... And do what?"

"Uh, do you like boardgames?"

"I supposed so"

"I really doubt we would have the energy to do anything else more, um, physically taxing"

"That's fair. I'll crash at your place then.

We could go sightseeing after, or just play video games inside"

"Yeah, and cook a nice breakfast, get some groceries maybe"

"Go to a park, get ice cream, play with your cat...

It would be nice, I'd like that.

A life like that"

"Ah, but I'm taking you to my apartment as well. You will meet the real city life, Coast Boy. "

"Oh, you city people with your underground trains and expensive international snacks"

"Haha, just the best for the capital!"

Silence hangs over them

"... I'm still scared"

"Of the future?"

"Yeah.

Will it ever go away?"

"... I don't know, I'll help you though.

I'll get you a planner. You can be like those instagram girls with a very strict planner"

"... Yeah, I guess.

Sorry, my mood is all over the place"

"I don't blame you"

"I mean, I don't even know what am I going to do after this. I'm basically out of a job"

"Well, what are your options?"

"I could go back to crime. Maybe hacking or something with medicaments, that could be fun."

"No, I'll get you"

"I know, but you'll do it lovingly"

"I guess I could go back to do something security related. It's boring, though."

"I heard my local chuck e cheese is hiring security guards"

"I am not applying as a night security guard in a building with animatronics."

"That's oddly specific"

"I still could be your detective assistant, I can use Excel, you know"

"You overestimate how much I'm paid"

"Or I could be literally anything else, but for now, I'll be on vacation"

"Yeah, me too"

"I'm thinking of taking cases of more haunted houses"

"... Are you out of your mind"

"I know how to stop them, and I wouldn't be going blind like these last two. I could even find a way to do it without entering them"

"Please stop risking your life. The detective life is already dangerous enough"

"I'm the house killer, the home terror"

"Sure, sure

Maybe I should be your bodyguard"

"Again, you overestimate how much I can afford"

They drink their drinks in silence

They can't help but feel slight sadness at it all

But time doesn't stop

"Ángel! Ángel look!"

"Huh?"

"The light, the sunrise is starting!"

It is 8:00 am

The sun is coming out

A cold breeze passes through them

The chatter of everyone quiets down

The sun is back

A new day has started

It always will

A collective melancholy passes through all of them

The eternal night is over

What now?

The future is waiting

They are alive

They will live another day

As many as they can

"We'll be alright

Not all of the time, but we will.

I'm going back home, finally

I've lost so much

And gained as well

I'm full of conflicting feelings that my subconscious will have a blast using

I'm scared too

But I'll be brave

Just to see another sunrise like this

With people that I love

We'll be alright

The future is full of chances"

A new day is born

And they watch it together

Hand in hand.

Thanks for playing

[rgenvs3000f23]

Blog 10

Describe your personal ethic as you develop as a nature interpreter. What beliefs do you bring? What responsibilities do you have? What approaches are most suitable for you as an individual?

Hey! For our final blog post, we were asked to write about our personal ethic as we develop as nature interpreters.

I’m currently in my final year of university, and I’m beginning to look for jobs. And for the first time in my life, I’m looking for career jobs, instead of part-time of summer positions. So needless to say I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about what jobs I ideally want, what jobs I’m willing to do, and what jobs I’m not willing to do. Our course readings for this week mentioned a fear of a desk job being a potential motivating factor for pursuing a career related to environmental interpretation. That one did admittedly resonate with me a bit. My last job was more or less of a desk job, where I worked as a research assistant in a lab. And even though, on paper, it was closer to what I want to do as a career, I didn’t enjoy it very much. I missed working in the service industry, I missed the high-energy, social atmosphere, I missed getting to work with my hands and see the results right in front of me. Spending most of my working hours not only indoors, but in a dim lab staring at a laptop just made me irritable. So I’d love to find a job in the sciences that’s more hands-on and active, but I’ve realized I’d happily move away from research if I can’t find a job in that field that lets me move around.

Every week or so I get an email from the university describing job opportunities. It hasn’t been very useful in finding jobs, but it sure has been useful in helping me figure out exactly what place/companies/fields I am not willing to work for. There’s always plenty of decently paying opportunities working for mega-corporations like PepsiCo, and the like, as well as their countless subsidiaries. I know now that I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I worked for a place like that. I would much rather go just about anywhere else, including back to the service industry. I might have a less prestigious career, but I care about having a job that I enjoy doing and that I see as important. During my last job, it was difficult to get up and go to the lab in the morning when I couldn’t really see the effects and importance of the research that was being done. I know that whatever I end up doing, it needs to be relatively active, and even better if I get to spend time outdoors as part of it. As long as I’m still able to spend my free time outside, that much is negotiable.

I wanted to go into more details about my beliefs/motivations/self-assigned responsibilities. First, the rather apparent role of nature in mental health and our current culture around it. Not that I have enough space to go into all of my thoughts on that, but I’d like to include a few of them here. One, on mental health being treated like an individual problem, when it really should be recognized as a systemic one. Even if people admit that it’s systemic, the “solutions” and treatments that are currently popular tend to be highly individual. Take mood-regulating medication, go to eternal therapy, isolate yourself from others in the name of self-improvement. In general, mental health has been both commercialized and capitalized upon. Like I mentioned, I don’t have the adequate space to go through my thoughts on the systemic causes of mental lack-of-wellness. But as I’m sure many of us are aware, spending time outside and spending time with other people (or even both at the same time!) have been shown time and time again to be beneficial to human well-being. Honestly, I don’t think we need more research in that area. We already know, and as much as I like numbers, more statistics aren’t going to save us.

So for me personally, all that means that I don’t want to have a job that drags down the health of other people, or my own. I would love to have a job that helps remove some of the barriers that have been put up between nature and people, which I don’t think should belong in different categories in the first place. But an important caveat for me is that I don’t want my career to be a constant fight. I’m quite tired of war analogies. There’s less of a point in destroying something if there’s nothing better to work towards. I don’t want to dedicate my life to fighting climate change, because I’ll make myself miserable and make everyone around me a little less happy. That’s not to say I don’t care, but I do think that a bunch of sad and lonely people aren’t going to bring about much positive change. Like the video with David Suzuki and Richard Louv mentioned (I think it was Richard Louv who mentioned it), it’s hard to make change if people don’t have any sort of positive idea of a future to look forwards to.

So to summarize as neatly as I can: If I end up doing something related to nature interpretation, I want it to get people excited and help people feel more connected to the world around them.

Picture: One of the Arboretum gardens after a snowstorm

On the same note as working towards something rather than solely working against, I have a book recommendation for anyone looking for a sci-fi story with a positive outlook: Monk and Robot by Becky Chambers (and its sequel)

Thanks for reading!

[aleprouswitch]

In October 2011, my mental health was deteriorating for a multitude of reasons and I was actively thinking about killing myself. I told my therapist after a bad episode on my college campus and he suggested a mental health facility that would provide care without insurance. The idea seemed a bit terrifying, but I decided to do it because I was afraid of what I was capable of doing in terms of harming myself.

My mom refused to take me to the facility, so I had to ask a then-friend if he could drive me to the facility to check in on Friday night. He agreed to. Friday night comes, and I try calling him, and I'm getting no answer. Finally he calls me back, and he's hammered. Shitfaced. Three sheets to the fucking wind. Obviously, he can't drive. I am beyond angry and also worried.

I had no other choice but to post on Facebook that yes, I was having a mental health crisis and I needed somebody to drive me to the facility to be admitted. A guy on the local music scene that I barely knew agreed to drive me. He was actually really nice and stayed with me in the lobby until I got called back for admittance. I was asked a big string of questions and signed some paperwork, and that was it.

My phone was taken away from me and I was thrust into Grippy Sock Land. Food was scarce and daily activities were heavily regulated. We had an "art hour" where we were given colored pencils and markers and encouraged to draw. Apparently my drawing was disturbing to the caretakers because of the religious imagery used in it. In truth, the art piece didn't really mean much of anything. We were shown old movies and made to watch infomercials about medications.

I was placed on multiple medications that made me extremely drowsy and I spent hours upon hours sleeping in a room with two beds. The other bed was at first occupied by a woman who appeared to be in her 40s. All she did was cry hysterically and say she needed help over and over. She was eventually removed and sent to another facility. My second roommate was a convicted felon facing another robbery charge. I saw her mugshot not long after release.

The only thing that helped me retain my sanity during those three days was that surprisingly, a friend of mine at the time was admitted during the same weekend, also for suicidal thoughts. My friend was trans but not out yet, and at the time they were married to a man I had known since high school. We found little ways to make each other laugh despite our bleak surroundings, and that gave me hope.

After release, I got my phone back and found that my now ex-friend who was too drunk to take me to be admitted three days earlier had send multiple text messages apologizing for "failing" me. I just rolled my eyes. Another ex-friend messaged me on Facebook about my stay, saying she was "jealous" because I got a "vacation" for a few days. I was so disgusted by her words. Nothing about that experience resembled a "vacation" at all. It was miserable. It was hell.

My co-workers acted scared to talk to me when I returned to work afterward, as if I was volatile and should be approached with caution. My mom never really talked to me about my stay, which I expected. I did get some really nice messages from people I knew, including some musicians I networked with, that made me feel better about my experience and like I did the right thing to help myself.

Twelve years have passed since that ordeal. Almost nobody I was friends with then are still in my life now. Two of the people mentioned in this post sexually assaulted me. Another did something horrible to hurt me in 2013 and I have had them blocked on all social media since. I have never gone back to that mental health facility and I never want to be there again. The lead doctor there was pretty nice, but everyone else made me feel like a circus animal.

I am in the long, arduous process of making sense of my traumatic experiences and maybe that's why I'm writing all of this out. The more removed I am from these experiences, the more fucked up I'm realizing that they were. I deserved kindness and rarely received it during those years. Of course I wasn't perfect and I had problems, but sometimes it really does hit me how everyone in my life was treating me like a burden or something in the way back then.

[thunderheadfred]

Life stuff update!

Haven't posted about this first bit anywhere because... wow personal, but it's been a majority chunk of life lately.

Husband put in his notice at his current teaching job a while back. He's been working there for 8 years and is supposedly one of their most valued teachers, yet he barely takes home $100 more per paycheck than when he started. Plus our insurance is insane, taking most of his check every month whilst covering literally fucking nothing (we are still paying off my doctor-ordered biopsy!). PLUS his commute is fucking ludicrous - in the winter he regularly drives over 3 hours a day to a shit job that doesn't pay anything. I barely see him for a hour or two each day during the school year.

Bio clock is ticking, just saying. Never really had that baby-wanting impulse until very recently, and there was absolutely zero possibility of us starting a family while he's at this job. No money, no time, no medical support.

So. Bye. After talking to a therapist to help us through the plunge, we finally decided enough was enough.

He doesn't have another job lined up after summer school, so in August we have zero certain income. Neither off us is particularly panicked about this; the hiring wave for fall teaching positions has yet to happen, and there are several things he can do even if he can't find a full-time job at a local district.

What's looking most likely is actually that he'll juggle part-time jobs for a while. Subbing or other work at a district he's interested in will help him get a foot in the door, meanwhile an afternoon or weekend cashier job at the co-op down the street (where I used to work) has some distinct benefits. First off, he could WALK to work, and the co-op offers higher hourly rates and better promotional opportunities than his current "salaried" teaching job. Add on a big discount at the place where we buy most of our groceries anyway...

Anyway. That's been a lot.

Meanwhile I've been doing the housewife thing. Which actually entails more than just "chores" - I've been doing a huuuuge amount of work on my mental and physical health. I've lost 40 pounds (with 60+ to go) and have completely changed my eating, which has helped immeasurably with CFS, Depression, and life in general. I've started socializing again after years of serious, life-altering anxiety. Basically, I'm getting my life back. Or maybe getting my life for the first time? I was so mentally ill for so long that this really feels like the first time I've been genuinely balanced... maybe ever?

Whether that new peace of mind encourages me back into fandom I have no idea. Fandom social mores seem to have shifted over the years. Maybe it's just the glimpses I see now and then, but the Internet as a whole doesn't seem too anonymous or even like... baseline compassionate for anyone anymore. That's probably a matter of what you make of it, but even so, I'd be lying if I said spending my time in fandom spaces hasn't lost most of its personal appeal. I've been much happier offline, so that's where I've been. I do miss my friends, and I wish they lived down the street and not inside the scary computron. It'd be great to write again, but my interest in fandom work might be over. I'll never say never, but right now I just don't see it. Maybe someday I finally get back into the habit; but it's gonna happen in its own time if it does.

Lately I've been working on my YouTube thing, though where that'll end up nobody knows. It's certainly not a serious money-making prospect, nor am I aiming to make it one. YouTube actually scares the ever-loving shit out of me, so it's pretty much a deliberate mental health exercise. My whole attitude toward it has been "stress less, make more." So I treat it kind of like a journal of the nail shit that has taken over my life (lolllll), and a chance to pay forward all the relaxation I've gotten over the years watching Nail YouTube. It'd be nice if I could eventually have enough subs to maybe pay for some nail supplies or get some free PR or something, but that's about as ambitious as I get.

Okay my fingers are tired

love you byyyyyeeeeeeeeee

[polyamorouspunk]

🌻

So I don’t talk much about it but I do have a disabled cat. Over the course of like November her fur got REALLY matted, and my mom was finally able to get her hands on a cat brush (it was a process) and so over the course of December into this year I’ve been working on it almost every day just to get those clumps out and I’ve finally gotten them all out and she seems SO much happier. I have to assume it’s from not having matted fur anymore, but she’s so much more active and playful and happy. Her fur is so much more vibrant and soft and fluffy and silky. Overall, though, I think she might be declining still. It really sucks to have adopted her and her sister both as healthy kittens and then watch her just slowly lose her health and still now become worse and worse slowly. She gets monthly shots that don’t make her “better” as much as keep her from getting worse, but sometimes it feels like even that isn’t enough. I’ll be going to Florida in about a week and my mom wants to talk to my grandpa about trying to make like a sling or something (my suggestion) for her to eat in. It’s hard to explain to people what her disability is too. She has trouble supporting her weight on her legs/sitting up but she can still move and use her legs, just not to walk or stand, and she can’t meow either, and the vets are stumped. She’s my mom’s baby, and her sister is my baby, and now we have an outdoor baby who my mom said is gone from the storm outside which kind of irks me because I keep asking if I can take her into my room when it storms really bad like this and my mom’s like no she’s an outdoor cat from the streets she can handle it and it’s like yeah but she shouldn’t have to! I would LIKE to have her in my room for the night to hang out, since my cat doesn’t and her cat certainly doesn’t. I would love to have our other cat sleep with me for a night. But it is what it is. Maybe next time I’ll just do it, which was what I said last time but I didn’t do this time. Other than that I still have Polyam Dog who is doing good, my gecko who is doing good, and my mom’s Guinea pig who is losing some fur it seems but other than that doing good. Over the past few years I’ve been telling myself that when I get to a better place mentally and physically I can “reward” myself for all my hard work (like not killing myself) by getting another bird, and I’m really lucky that right now for the first time in years I’m back on Prozac and it really seems to be working better for me than any of the last medications I’ve been on, but my health still isn’t great, and this year I’ll e starting university and I think that’s going to set me back mentally. This is still much sooner than I expected to be “ready” for that milestone (I was thinking another year at least) but my mom and I also have a “no more pets” rule that I’ve been honoring so it’s hard to kind of know how to balance what I promised myself with what I agreed with my mom since I have no plans of living on my own any time soon which sucks honestly because I really feel “young” (I look a LOT younger than I am, don’t really go out, don’t do “teen” things like drink and smoke and club, etc.) which uh. You know sucks sometimes. Gonna try and work on that too this year.

[babithyn]

November 11th, 2023

tw~ ed, mental health, drgs, sa

Hi again everyone. I had my baby and she’s the most precious thing in my life and i love her so much.

But the labor and delivery might be the most traumatic experience in my 22years of life. Almost as traumatic as my SA experience.

I passed my due date and got scheduled for an induction. I went in for my induction a little anxious but i was mentally prepared for a lot of pain. But apparently i didn’t mentally prepare myself enough.

The pain was bad… i mean really bad… I got a cook catheter to open up my cervix which was very uncomfortable at first and just got worse. The gave me dilauded for the pain. which helped but i was trying not to use it to much. But once they gave me the pitocin the pain got so bad that i had to ask for it. and then at one point the dilauded just wasnt helping. I broke down and asked for an epidural.

I was trying to hold of on it till i was at least 6cm dilated but i had been at 3cm for over 24hours at that point and in pre labor for almost 48hours. I honestly couldnt take much more pain.

but of course another problem arose. I had to wait for my epidural. My IV in my hand had blown and i wasn’t getting any fluids or even the pitocin. Meaning they had to put in a new one. But again another problem.

They anesthesiologist couldnt get the needle in my vein. He tried six times. blowing each vein as he tried. They ended up having a medic come in with an ultrasound machine to give me an iv in my inner bicep. and even then i still had to weight at least 20min to get more iv fluids in me. But i thankfully got the epidural eventually.

The epidural was a life savor. I was numb from the waist down i couldnt move left leg at all. But then another problem arose.

My daughters heart rate kept dropping. They would move me from side to side to see if it would help but in the end i ended up having an unplanned csection.

That… that was terrifying. i was doing my beat to keep myself together but i was so scared.

My boyfriend had gone home real quick to take a shower and i had to call him and have him rush back to be here for our daughters birth.

When i was wheeled in to the operating room, i was trying not to hyperventilate. I was panicking. everything was going wrong. Everything was the opposite of how i wanted things. I didnt want to be cut open. i didnt want to be in labor for 48hours. at this point i just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up.

When they started i could feel the tugging. i couldnt feel the “pain” but i could feel them tugging on my other organs. I could feel my lungs being pulled it felt like i had a stack of bricks on my chest. I got dizzy and nauseous. I wanted all of this to end.

Im thankful for my boyfriend. he had been extremely encouraging and doing his best to comfort me. but i felt so out of place. he doesnt talk to me like that he doesn’t say sweet things to me. it made me even more terrified. But in the end i am thankful he was with me but fuck i was so scared.

When i finally saw my daughter through the window… it didnt feel real. I felt numb and exhausted. yet scared and depressed. I felt so much yet nothing at all.

My boyfriend got to hold her first and hearing him talk to her didnt feel real. nothing about this felt real.

My boyfriend took pictures of her and then the nurse brought her over to me. I couldnt even hold her. my right arm was strapped down and i could barely move my left. Even when i look back at the pictures my bf took of me and our daughter I dont think happy thoughts. All i can think of is the pain and fear and exhaustion i felt in that moment.

When i got back to my room They took the epidural out. and everything started to get a little better. my mom was there with her bf i had my boyfriend with me.

Then we got moved to a different room. My mom and her bf left and we spent some time with our daughter. I was given my everyday medicine. and tried to sleep. Now one of my meds is a sleeping medication also known as ambien. At this point i havent slept in almost 3 days. Im exhausted but i cant sleep. so i took another one of my ambien to help me fall asleep. Its something I always do and something my dr.s are aware of.

The next day however theambien fid something weird to me. I was out of it. I was loopy slurring my words and just straight up high. It was bad. I had never had a reaction like that. The nurses were concerned my boyfriend was concerned. it was a shitshow. I have gaps in my memory i remember them taking my daughter from me and me being confused as to why. I was lucid most of the time i remember and i even remember telling them I can think clearly its just my body wont listen to me.

Then when the ambien finally wore off a case worker came in to talk to me. I was upset and im sure it showed. She was asking me all these questions about if i do drugs if i do this or that. I explained to her that ive taken 20mg of ambien before and have never had a reaction like this and that my dr.s are aware that i have to take 20mg sometimes or i just wont sleep.

On top of all of that i was in so much pain. i was having postpartum contractions, my incision from the C-section burned and ached, i could feel all of my organs moving, and everytime i had to get up to go to the bathroom felt like i was going to die. It was awful.

It got to the point where all i wanted to do was cry and just sleep and not wake up. But i couldnt do either. My daughter was now cluster feeding and up all night. And my bf was in the room I just hated all of it.

I apologized to all my nurses for how i acted and they understood and explained that it couldve just been a hormone drop that caused my body to react that way. Still i felt extremely bad but they all vouched for me to get discharged. Even the midwife and baby dr. vouched that we were good to go.

Even tho i was in so much pain and new i physically probably shouldve stayed as long as mu daughter was okay to leave i was going to leave. i didnt want to be there any longer. I felt like an outcast like i was a horrible mom. I just wanted the comfort of my own home.

Now im back home and im in so much agony. mentally and physically. I cried almost all night last night and the night before. I couldnt stop myself.

My bf would ask wats wrong and i dint want to tell him in fear of him getting angry at me. I was trying my best to hide the fact that i was even crying. I just told him that im just worn out and tired. Which isn’t exactly a lie cuz i was but on top of that i was in pain and i had finally looked at myself in the mirror…

Im so fat. I still look pregnant and my stomach hangs. I cant even see my c-section incision. i have never looked worse in my life. I am so ugly and fat I cant wear any of my pants. I cant wear my underwear. Things that were baggy on me dont fit. Im so disgusted with myself.

At this point i dont know how im going to be able to look at myself even if i lose all this weight. I already have loose skin thanks to being pregnant and now im going to have even more when i loose all this weight. im honestly contemplating a gastric sleeve if my insurance covers it. because im more than positive i qualify for it. But then again i dont know. all i know is i hate looking in the mirror i hate touching my atomach i hate everything about myself.

Another thing i havent been able to breast feed. And because of that my breasts have turned into rocks and the hurt and they’re hot to the touch. they leak so bad that my maternity bra is drenched.

I also have been doing way to much. but i feel like if i tell my boyfriend i cant be standing up and down and bending over and lifting so many heavy things he’ll just get mad at me.

Maybe i should be thankful that he’s even helping me. I mean he did let me sleep a good amount of the day today.

but we also had a dr.s appt for our daughter and we hadnt gotten much sleep and i thought i had grabbed her paperwork but i didnt grab the right one and he got mad that he had to go out to the car to get it for me. we also had problems with the carseat and he blamed me for getting a difficult one. idk i keep fucking up idk what to do.

Its now almost 6am and we have to meet up with his family later today. Im just glad he let me sleep for a while yesterday. i think i got a good 6hours while he watched our daughter. so its been my turn to watch her tonight. i know i should sleep while she sleeps but its so difficult beca im scared i wont wake up to feed her or when she cries. So ive just decided to stay awake and just keep an eye on her.

Well im going to stop my complaining here. if anyone has read this far thank you for listening to my bullshit.

As always, stay safe and thank you for coming to my ted talk. Much love🖤🖤🖤🖤

[smiledotdeer]

(( negative ))

Part of the reason I took a break from this blog was because I was getting annoyed at both myself and my dashboard for the general lack of interactions. For the most part, I was writing with the same small group of people, feeling like I was unable to reach out to anyone else because...anxiety’s a bitch, I guess.

It’s not an excuse. I know I could try harder. It’s just difficult, given the crap I’ve gone through on this website. So many times I HAVE reached out, made friends, and then had them drop me for “someone better”. Or, maybe worse yet, I’ve reached out and gotten nothing in response. I’ve TRIED being friends with other people, and they just don’t seem interested enough to even give me the time of day.

I guess that’s why I find it so hard to reach out and make first contact...but I also realize that a lot of OTHER people are in that exact same boat. I know they’re just as afraid or reaching out to me as I am of reaching out to them. So, at the end of the day, the majority of us are sitting here twiddling our thumbs hoping the other person will be the one to make the first move.

At the moment, I’m really struggling. Not just with this particular situation, but with things happening in real life. My current home situation most definitely isn’t great. The short of it is that there are too many people living together in too small a space and we keep lashing out at each other on a near daily basis because of it. We’re all depressed and worn down and defeated and it’s doing none of us any favors.

On top of that, only one of us is earning money, and that person may very well be fired soon. If that happens...well I’m probably not gonna HAVE a home anymore. Much less an internet connection. I am living with that “what if” dread in the back of my mind at all times, and I truly don’t know what to do about it.

I’m trying to find a remote online job, but I have no idea what I’m doing, and I don’t know who to turn to for help. I’ve tried working a normal job and my god I got so overwhelmed so damn fast that I had to quit. Some of my family has taken this to mean that I’m just lazy. I’m not. I’m just not mentally or emotionally capable of handling it.

Today I finally got in to see a therapist, and she got me on some new depression and anxiety medication. We’ll see if that helps over the next couple weeks. She also referred me to someone for getting screened to see if I have ADHD and/or ASD (autism spectrum disorder). We’ll see how that goes, too.

I’m just in a Not So Great place right now, and I know I’ve been failing others and myself for not reaching out, and I’m so sorry. I don’t mean to make anyone feel like I’m disinterested in interacting, or that I’m too scary to approach. I promise I’m interested, and I promise I’m not as scary as you might think.

I’m just...tired. And lonely. And tired of BEING lonely.

[bihansthot]

I had rough times and deleted everything on my phone to feel a bit better. Just downloaded tumblr few mins ago and instantly I got the notification of your post. Damn I missed out what happened lately… first of all I know your bday is passed but still HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Second: CONGRATULATIONS!! That’s a big thing actually but people have different opinions and reactions to stuff so I don’t wanna be all negative about what just happened and your HUSBAND? When did that happened, I feel like I’m in the movie interstellar. Love you and I hope you feel better soon! 🤍🤍

You know I’ve been awful at responding lately when I missed two bday wishes and my bday was over two weeks ago. I’m so sorry it took me so long to get back to you as you probably know my life has just been medical chaos lately.

We sat down and had a good talk about it and it turns out I had totally misconstrued what they meant and I got upset for no reason. My partner (I’m trying to be better about using this term instead of husband now because they are nonbinary) explained that they very much wanted to celebrate my transplant anniversary with me and that I deserved that and reassured me that they were just in a bad head space at the time because they had been so worried about me lately with all the medical problems and hospital visits. I had no idea they had been so worried and stressed out about me because my partner has high functioning autism and adhd so they have a hard time expressing or showing emotion, so we agreed to try and be better about letting one another know when we were worried or anxious.

The current plan is we’re going to go to Las Vegas the weekend of the 25th of Aug and my actual transplant anniversary is the 25th. So it works out nicely for time off purposes for them that it’s on a Friday, I really want to go to the Bacchanal Buffet and Din Tai Fung and stay at the Luxor but everything else is kind of up in the air. I’m really proud of myself for making enough mental progress over these last few years to finally enjoy and celebrate this huge milestone, I may still hate the fact I had to have a heart transplant in the first place but it’s the reason I’m still here and dammit I’m going to eat some amazing food, get drunk and play slot machines because I’ve been through a shit load and deserve a celebration. I also want to honor and celebrate my donor though because without them I wouldn’t still be here and they are no longer with us, so I’ve decided to stop being a sad miserable, depressed, pitiful creature and live life for both of us. It took me a long ass time to get out of the self loathing, wanting to end everything pit but I finally am happy with life and happy with living so I’m going to make sure they get to experience that too in whatever philosophical way you want to interpret that.

So, for clarification sake I’ve been married to my then husband now partner for over 10 years now, we started dating 17 years ago and have been together ever since. I just don’t talk about them or being polyamorous too much because I see a lot of hate towards nonbinary people and polyamorous people, to clarify I’m AFAB personally gender fluid though I lean female and use female pronouns, I’m also pansexual if anyone was wondering but prefer men. My partner is AMAB, bisexual, nonbinary and uses they/them pronouns and I’m super proud of them for discovering who they are, because it hasn’t been easy for them. My boyfriend on the other hand is AMAB uses he/him pronouns and is very heterosexual but isn’t a cis het douche he’s all for trans rights and a good guy all around. So to summarize I’m polyamorous and have a partner of 17 years and a boyfriend of almost 9 months now. Both relationships are going very well and my mental health has never been better.

I hope your doing better my love I know you mentioned you went through a rough patch and I hope that’s all over now. I’m sending all the love.