#relatedly for some reason one of our Favorite Jokes

[inkskinned]

probably time for this story i guess but when i was a kid there was a summer that my brother was really into making smoothies and milkshakes. part of this was that we didn't have AC and couldn't afford to run fans all day so it was kind of important to get good at making Cool Down Concoctions.

we also had a patch of mint, and he had two impressionable little sisters who had the attitude of "fuck it, might as well."

at one point, for fun, this 16 year old boy with a dream in his eye and scientific fervor in heart just wanted to see how far one could push the idea of "vanilla mint smoothie". how much vanilla extract and how much mint can go into a blender before it truly is inedible.

the answer is 3 cups of vanilla extract, 1/2 cup milk alternative, and about 50 sprigs (not leaves, whole spring) of mint. add ice and the courage of a child. idk, it was summer and we were bored.

the word i would use to describe the feeling of drinking it would maybe be "violent" or perhaps, like. "triangular." my nose felt pristine. inhaling following the first sip was like trying to sculpt a new face. i was ensconced in a mesh of horror. it was something beyond taste. for years after, i assumed those commercials that said "this is how it feels to chew five gum" were referencing the exact experience of this singular viscous smoothie.

what's worse is that we knew our mother would hate that we wasted so much vanilla extract. so we had to make it worth it. we had to actually finish the drink. it wasn't "wasting" it if we actually drank it, right? we huddled around outside in the blistering sun, gagging and passing around a single green potion, shivering with disgust. each sip was transcendent, but in a sort of non-euclidean way. i think this is where i lost my binary gender. it eroded certain parts of me in an acidic gut ecology collapse.

here's the thing about love and trust: the next day my brother made a different shake, and i drank it without complaint. it's been like 15 years. he's now a genuinely skilled cook. sometimes one of the three of us will fuck up in the kitchen or find something horrible or make a terrible smoothie mistake and then we pass it to each other, single potion bottle, and we say try it it's delicious. it always smells disgusting. and then, cerimonious, we drink it together. because that's what family does.

[cyrsed]

guess who’s been watching old doctor who 😭 i can’t remember if anyone still follows me who knew me in my like 2009-2011-ish doctor who phase but who would have guessed it might come back in 2021...

i never watched old doctor who tho bc i thought it looked kinda boring/low budget but now that my tastes have matured i love old campy sci-fi stuff so it’s right up my alley

the real reasons are more shameful (if you’re not yet someone who is vibrating on a high wavelength such as myself), which is A. my favorite gif is this one of the fifth doctor snapping his fingers and disappearing bc it makes me laugh, B. that actor is really cute to me, and relatedly, C. he looks a little bit like one of my OCs so it’s easy to make jokes to my wives about a doctor who AU with our OCs while i watch lol 🙂

anyway all this is to say that i’m gonna post some screenshots that i’ve taken just because they’re funny to me. may or may not liveblog my watch through a bit lol :)

these days new who doesn’t appeal to me at all (because of the writing, not the actors or anything), altho tbh maybe that was mostly moffat? i still remember eccleston’s season very fondly (and he’s also really cute lol, maybe second cutest doctor). idk! i kinda had an aversion to dw for a while after going through my wholock phase and then being disillusioned by moffat’s self aggrandizing doctor and inability to resolve mysteries/cliffhangers satisfactorily in dw or sherlock, but maybe i can revisit some of it and enjoy it again. for now i’m starting with season 19 of old dw tho lol. the fifth doctor is just too cute to me 😩 i love his dorky haircut. if i end up liking it enough to continue after this season then i’ll probably go back to watch the tom baker stuff cause it seems like the thing to do.

[bluerosesburnblue]

You know what it’s always a good time for?

Dwyn Sibling Angst

(This one’s a big one so I’m putting the explanation under the cut)

So who remembers the Patronus sidequest?

Way, way back when I posted that first ever bio of Jacob and Seren I made brief mention of Patronuses, namely what theirs would be and the fact that Seren would not be able to cast it unless Jacob was found alive. I later made brief mention that I’d finalized the Patronuses to a Sea Lion for Jacob and a Common Seal for Seren, but I never actually elaborated on why Seren would have trouble with the spell

That’s because I started this stupid, elaborate project back when the quest came out and just never finished it, so here we go. Let’s finally talk about Seren’s Patronus issues

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I have this tendency when applying sidequests to Seren to just make up my own timeline that’s completely divorced from both what year the quest claims it takes place in and what year I actually ended up playing it in. In the case of Unleash Your Patronus, I actually do put it in Year 4 like the game suggests and not Year 5 when I played it

The Patronus Charm, as far as we know, has three requirements: strong magical skill, a “worthy” heart, and the ability to muster up and sustain a happy memory

Pass, pass, hard fail

Seren is not a happy person. I wouldn’t even say she’s a positive person. If it looks like she’s being positive, it is almost always performative to try and ease someone else’s nerves. This girl is a giant ball of nerves that gets angstier and more traumatized every year and she cannot shut her emotions off. Not that she can’t be happy, she can, but it’s far from her default state since the anxiety tends to run through worst case scenarios all the time

Complicating things is that her happiest memories are all things involving Jacob, who is decidedly not there. The reason I set this in Year 4 is because we don’t even have the Forest Vault message that he’s in the next Vault yet. He could legitimately be dead for all anyone knows in Year 4. So positive memories are of Jacob which, oops, reminds her that he’s still gone. Which then triggers the worst case scenario machine that is her brain

So, alright, let’s assume that Seren manages to shove that down. She’s just focusing on the memory, maybe even repeating “I’m gonna find him and we’re gonna do that thing from our childhoods again” to keep from getting distracted. Cue the actual form of Seren’s Patronus

I picked the Common Seal and Sea Lion for the Dwyns for a variety of reasons. I was already giving them the same Animagus form, figured I’d switch it up for the Patronuses. Make them “related” and symbolizing similar things, but not the same (also reference that merperson heritage). I’ve also always been a fan of the idea that sometimes particularly strong memories can shape the Patronus thanks to the fact that sometimes people with an obsession with an animal have their Patronuses take that form, and then there’s this quote:

"[...] the Patronus often mutates to take the image of the love of one's life (because they so often become the 'happy thought' that generates a Patronus)."

And now we have the earliest memory Seren has. She’s three years old and Jacob’s eight. They go to the aquarium. It’s one of the few times they’ve ever gone out somewhere as a family and she’s just completely enamored with the whole thing. She really falls in love with how cute and graceful the seals are, to the point where she spends part of the trip after they’ve moved closer to the gift shop camped out with the seal plushies just... looking at ‘em. Jacob notices and convinces their parents to buy her one. It’s her absolute favorite toy as a kid, and one of the few things she brings to Hogwarts every year, without fail

It’s not a memory she thinks of much. It wasn’t even the memory she was using to call forth her Patronus, despite being her first happy memory. And yet, there it is, played out in front of her in a brilliant light show. This time, though, Jacob isn’t there. Fighting down the instinct to whirl around and show it to him is just another reminder that he hasn’t been found yet and may never be and what if he isn’t-

-and it’s gone.

So even if Seren manages to fight through her natural tendency to make everything worse in her head, what her Patronus looks like will just send her spiraling right back into it. And once she sees it the first time - that’s it. Now she knows what her Patronus is and dreads seeing it again so much that she can’t focus on anything else when casting it. A dread that’s strong enough that she wouldn’t be able to muster up even an incorporeal Patronus

That’s why she just can’t cast a Patronus unless Jacob’s found alive, and mentally sound, and noooooot evil

If the Vault situation isn’t resolved with a happy ending, that’s all permanent. Jacob’s evil, Jacob dies, whatever, that’s an automatic no Patronus at all. If that incident from Year 6 Chapter 18 is real and permanent but Jacob’s fine, that gives her the most inconsistent incorporeal Patronus at best and the only reason it can manifest at all is because it’s form has no ties to the spoiler character so the dread factor is gone

The best timeline will probably result in Seren being able to cast an incorporeal Patronus consistently, a corporeal Patronus fairly consistently in low-pressure scenarios, and managing to find a workaround regarding a corporeal Patronus by having Jacob just send his most terrible jokes at her via Legilimency in high-pressure situations. Even in the best case scenario, she still struggles with maintaining positivity and is riding solely on her support network

I let her become an Animagus at age 15, I had to give her some weaknesses. (Relatedly, she also struggles with Riddikulus and can only perform it consistently due to intense practice thanks to the Vault of Fear)

------------

Furthermore, Jacob and Seren’s Patronuses are what they are because:

Seals and Sea Lions tend to get shoved together when searching for symbolism. A Patronus represents the “hidden inner self” that is called forth in times of need. So then I have to come up with something that can represent both Jacob and Seren, but being just different enough to represent the nuances between their personalities.

Common traits associated with them are playfulness (more overt with Jacob, but Seren is still mischievous and can be goofy), creativity/big imagination (extremely applicable to both of them), adaptability (which goes hand-in-hand with their creative aspects), faith (normally self-faith. Seren lacks it so perhaps this symbolizes what she needs to develop. Both have faith in others), independence, and balance (with the two finding balance with each other, losing it, then regaining it later in life)

To separate them I looked at behavior. Seren gets the Common Seal due to their quiet nature and tendency to remain largely solitary. The introverted one

Jacob gets the Sea Lion because they’re LOUD and DON’T EVER STOP BEING LOUD and prefer being in larger groups. The (somewhat more) extroverted one

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Finally, here’s the still .png for the key frame in the .gif with the Patronus in it because I liked it a lot

And there it is. The big Patronus explanation writeup. I’m so glad it’s done

I started this damn thing after I finished the Patronus quest. Like, the day after or even the day of. And then I stopped for some reason! And then a few months ago I was like “hey, that was almost done and Dementors are coming back into the story, why not finish it?” Didn’t get it done in time for that update. And then that update was Year 6 Chapter 18 and I lost all motivation I had

So here! Fine! Happy one year and one day anniversary of when the Patronus sidequest came out!

Now please take this thing out of my sight

[pluckyredhead]

Director's commentary on It wouldn't be make believe? 🥺 Thanks I love your writing

Aw, thank you! This is a long fic so I’m gonna skim it and bullet some thoughts, let’s see:

Mxyzpills - I’m still so pleased with myself about this one. At the risk of over-explaining the joke, the “ninety-day high” is a reference to how when Superman banishes Mxyzptlk back to his dimension, he can’t return for ninety days. It’s also an insanely long time to be high for, why would anyone take this drug.

“He wasn’t naive—they could simply be sneaking upstairs to paw at each other.“ - I find Damian’s voice fairly easy to write in but this is a good example of where I struggled to find a balance between his very formal, disdainful word choices and not making him sound like a computer. I tried “fornicate” and “have intercourse” (lol) before I landed on “paw at each other,” which leans more on the “Damian is contemptuous of other people’s desires” side of things (as opposed to “Damian has never met another human but has read about them in books”).

The little knit cap on the TP in the frat bathroom makes me laugh so hard. Yes, I know I wrote it. If I can’t laugh at my own jokes, who will?

One of my guiding principles when writing Damian is that he’s really, really smart, but the problem is that he knows it, which means that he assumes that any idea he has is by default going to be intelligent. This allows him to do really stupid things like go undercover at a university attended by his best friend, who has super hearing and X-ray vision, and assume said friend won’t notice he’s there. Bless his heart.

“Please. I would never wear a shirt with this low of a thread count by choice.” - lololol

WAYNE GRAYSON god I’m a riot

I really wanted to convey a sense that Jon is very big and smells very good and has no sense of personal boundaries whatsoever, at least with Damian. Damian uses his body very well as a weapon but is otherwise completely disconnected from it, and Jon’s presence is a very physical one, and Damian has no idea what to do with that.

Love writing me some jealous Damian, especially because neither of them realize that’s what’s happening here. He only wants Jon to be friends with him! For reasons!!!

For some reason, Jon laughed at that. - It was important to me that Jon not come across as stupid in this. He’s puppyish and sweet, but he’s extremely bright and significantly more emotionally intelligent than Damian.

I think the fic is as long as it needs to be but I kind of wish I’d expanded on the idea that Jon is friends with everyone on campus and at least half of them have crushes on him.

Lian absolutely sent Jon the picture of him and Damian on the beach because she knew Jon had a crush on Damian. They’ve definitely talked about it.

“If I were your classmate, I’d be more curious about your apparently immortal dog.” - KRYPTO WILL NEVER DIE!!!

Damian’s insistence on paying for everything is basically a gesture of ownership, or chivalry if you want to be nice about it. He doesn’t even realize he’s doing it.

Jon being secretly in love with Damian from practically the start of their friendship is firm head canon for me, I believe in it with all of my being.

“Jon probably shouldn’t find Damian more endearing the ruder he got, but, well, here he was.“ - Jon is wildly entertained by Damian being an asshole, which is lucky for him because that particular behavioral tic isn’t going anywhere. Another thing I really wanted to make clear was that Jon sees Damian for exactly who he is - prickly and cranky and arrogant and stubborn - and loves him for all of it.

“I assume you’ve been texting each other positive affirmations when I’m not looking.” - I want to be part of the Kent family group text! So many heart emojis, so many photos of outer space.

“The Big Apricot” - is 100% a canon nickname for Metropolis and it makes me so happy.

Jon’s eyes are canonically blue but fuck that, I gave him Lois’s violet eyes because a) she deserves to have some of her genes replicated too and b) the more of a beautiful anime prince I can make Jon, the better.

Damian trying not to look at Jon because he is TOO SEXY is everything to me, I am so delighted by my own story.

Also firm head canon to me: Jon’s hair only ever falls into two categories, somewhat messy and very messy.

Damian removed his arm from Jon’s trim waist, feeling suddenly uncomfortable. - I didn’t do a lot with it here but part of why Damian is so deeply repressed about his feelings for Jon is because of the age difference - he feels guilty being attracted to Jon, even though the difference between 19 and 22 is much less significant than, say, 12 and 15. I think Damian already has a lot of shame and guilt hardwired into him re: bodily pleasures - thanks, both of his parents! - and Jon’s age just makes it worse.

The scene where Damian wakes up from a nightmare and almost stabs a practically naked Jon was one of the reasons I wrote the fic. 😈 One of Damian’s greatest fears is hurting his loved ones and he really can’t do that to Jon, at least not by accident. Also Jon is not the slightest bit afraid of him.

Relatedly, Damian has never been safe or secure a day in his life, but Jon represents absolute safety. Damian is 100% not ready to process his feelings about that or even admit that he might like to be able to let his guard down for a little while.

Aw yeah, that good good part of the fake dating where they’re both uncomfortable because they want it to be real dating and are picking up on the other’s discomfort and totally misreading it. Love that shit.

Damian: “If I have to kiss Jon again to save our lives, I will do it. I will fall on that sword. It’s a sacrifice, but one I’m willing to make.” ok bro

"Frat Chat” lololol

JON’S PARENTS ARE BOTH INVESTIGATIVE JOURNALISTS, DAMIAN, HE CAN TELL WHEN YOU’RE LYING

Is this how parademons work? Who knows? Who cares? My apologies to Jack Kirby, if they are necessary.

As you will know if you’ve read...anything I’ve ever written, “character’s loved one is hurt so they go fucking feral” is MY FAVORITE THING, which is why there’s a twofer here. And Damian goes feral so well.

Also my favorite thing: the sweet one asking the feral one to spare the bad guy’s life. Ahhhh this fic is so self-indulgent and I’m not even sorry.

I wanted both Jon and Damian to be right about Chazz - he was involved, but not willingly. Their partnership works not because Damian is The Smart One or Jon is The Good One, but because they balance each other out - trust and cynicism, evidence and faith.

Damian totally kissed Jon better. ;)

Damian: “Oh, I’m in love with you? Wait, I need to analyze every thought and feeling I’ve ever had in light of this new information, give me a minute.”

And Jon teases him about it because teasing Damian is his absolute favorite thing to do. <333

IN CONCLUSION, THESE BABIES ARE IN LOVE AND I’M SO HAPPY ABOUT IT.

[belaborthepoint]

Nevada Debate Transcript

HOLT: Good evening, everyone. Since last time, Bernie seems to be winning, but also he is still a socialist? Don't know what's going on there. We have a new addition to the race, a Republican who spent millions of dollars to run as a democrat despite being universally hated by the left and most everyone else. The first question goes to you, Senator Sanders. Why should we choose you as the Democratic nominee rather than the racist and misogynistic Republican who paid to be here?

BERNIE: Because he has attacked like any marginalized group you can think of and no one will want to vote for him and my policies will help people who aren't just rich white men.

HOLT: Mayor Bloomberg, what's your take on that?

BLOOMBERG: I know that Bernie is in the lead right now, but there's literally no chance that he can win. You can't win by taking away people's insurance and then giving it back to them for free, that's ridiculous.

WARREN: You're a billionaire who calls women "fat broads" and "horse-faced lesbians" and you call trans people "it." You're a racist and you sexually harass women and no one wants to vote for you.

KLOBUCHAR: I was going to welcome Bloomberg here tonight until I remembered who he was and then I was like "wait what?"

BLOOMBERG: Look. I'm a New Yorker. Pizza, fuhgeddaboudit. I'm from New York City and there are black people who live in there and I know how to deal with that. Remember 9/11? I was there for that. I was all like, "this is bad and everyone who isn't white is a terrorist." I have spent a lot of money on my campaign.

BIDEN: NBC thinks I'm going to win despite the fact that Bernie is clearly winning. NBC said it. So there you go.

BUTTIGIEG: Come on, people, wake up. Because what if Bernie and Bloomberg are our only options? Then we'll have someone who likes capitalism and someone who thinks that it's bad. We need to elect someone who thinks that capitalism is sort of okay. I know that it's destroying the lives of 99% of the country, but I'm pretty out of touch with those communities so it doesn't really matter to me. I do live in a middle-class neighborhood though so sometimes I see middle-class people on the sidewalk.

HOLT: Bernie, are you polarizing?

BERNIE: I care about the working class if that's what you're asking.

BUTTIGIEG: Blah blah blah I'm Bernie and I looOOOoove poor people!! Look at me!! I have class consciousness!! Blehh!!! Guess what?! You're not special. Lots of people want to empower workers. Just because you're the only person on this stage who will seriously advocate for them doesn't mean that, uh...well...the Culinary Union doesn't like you!! No one likes you!!

BERNIE: ExCUSE me, we have more union support than you can even imagine in your wildest dreams. Unions will always like me better!! They will never love you!!!!!!!!

JACKSON: One time a Bernie supporter said mean stuff on the internet though. Everyone else's supporters are all Buddhist monks who are volunteer dentists in the Peace Corps. Every single one of them.

WARREN: Bloomberg is still a racist.

BUTTIGIEG: But WHY did a Bernie supporter say a mean thing? We really need to think about why this is happening and why Bernie is the only person who has supporters who are not volunteer Buddhist dentists.

BERNIE: I don't know if that's-

BUTTIGIEG: IT IS. You are responsible for everything that any of your supporters say on twitter.

KLOBUCHAR: But if we nominate a woman, sexism will end.

(APPLAUSE)

KLOBUCHAR: We need to show our stuff. Sweat and blood. And that is the truth.

TODD: Senator Sanders, will everyone lose their health insurance and die if you are president?

BERNIE: No. We have the worst healthcare of any major country and I want to change that because healthcare is a human right.

WARREN: We should talk about everyone else's "plan" for healthcare. Mayor Pete doesn't have a plan, he has a PowerPoint. Amy's plan is like a Post-It note, "Insert Plan Here." Biden's plan is like some doodle he did on the back of a receipt. Bloomberg's plan is an ethnic joke that he heard on a cruise ship once and wrote on a napkin. Bernie's is actually sort of okay.

BERNIE: I feel attacked.

TODD: Okay, your turn.

BERNIE: I just want the goal to be actually providing healthcare to people and not just creating profits for the pharmaceutical industry and drug companies.

BIDEN: OBAMA. OBAMA. I WAS VICE PRESIDENT UNDER BARACK OBAMA.

(APPLAUSE)

TODD: Senator Warren, go ahead.

BLOOMBERG: What am I, chopped livah???? I'm from New York.

WARREN: Amy, the plan on your website is two lines from a self-help book.

KLOBUCHAR: That's IT!!! I've HAD IT!!

HOLT: This is getting juicy! Let's talk about Bloomberg being a racist. Mayor Bloomberg, your policing policy was to put all the cops in minority neighborhoods because you said that's where all the crime is, and that we should throw kids against the wall and frisk them. What do you think that says about you being vehemently racist or not?

BLOOMBERG: Yeah, it is unfortunate how it turned out, and frankly, a little bit embarrassing. But I just didn't want people of color to murder everyone, and I think that's fair. Stop-and-frisk was essentially a good thing, it just happened too much.

BIDEN: No one cares if you're sorry, you still did it! The policy was abhorrent.

BLOOMBERG: But I APOLOGIZED. This is just a complicated issue and there's no easy answer. It's like, should our criminal justice system target black and brown people? I don't know. But yes, it should. Look, nobody's perfect, okay?

WARREN: That was the shittiest apology I've ever heard.

TODD: Relatedly, Senator Klobuchar, you haven't really done much about police brutality and you prosecuted a black teenager who was sentenced to life in prison despite serious doubts about the evidence. Why should black and Latino voters trust your judgement?

KLOBUCHAR: I actually have strong support of African-Americans. Because I earned it. Because I am a leader and I have done the work.

JACKSON: Let's talk about transparency. Senator Sanders, why are you hiding the fact that you're too old and frail to be president without dying from being old?

SANDERS: Um. What?

BUTTIGIEG: I am young and in good health. I do so many planks every single day and I honestly think that I'm the hottest candidate on this stage tonight. I think Bernie should do the responsible thing and admit that he will die from being so old. He's like a million years old.

JACKSON: Bloomberg, why won't you release your tax records?

BLOOMBERG: It's hard to do taxes when you're so rich. And math takes a long time. Not everyone is Andrew Yang, not everyone loves math. It's hard to add up numbers and do charts. And I should not be penalized for that. Also, I give all my money to charity. I don't know why I still have billions of dollars, it really just appears and I don't know where it comes from. I keep giving it all away but somehow I'm still rich. I don't know, okay?

JACKSON: You've sexually harassed women and many former employees have said that your company was a hostile workplace for women. Should we nominate someone who isn't a misogynist?

BLOOMBERG: I might be hostile towards women, but the main point is that I HIRE women. We have tons of women in my company, and they do things and get paid for them. There are lots and lots of women, and some of them even had leadership roles and got paid the same as men. Hashtag me too.

WARREN: Are you serious? You've gotten dozens of women to sign nondisclosure agreements for sexual harassment and gender discrimination. Would you release them from the nondisclosure agreements so we can hear their side?

BLOOMBERG: There are only a few of them.

WARREN: How many is that?

BLOOMBERG: Let me finish.

WARREN: How many is that?

BLOOMBERG: None of them accuse me of anything other than making a joke that they didn't think was funny because they have a bad sense of humor because women aren't funny.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

TODD: Let's talk fracking. Senator Sanders, I know that fracking is bad, but it also creates jobs, kind of like how sweat shops create jobs and that's why they're good. What do you say to the people whose employment is contingent on destroying the planet?

SANDERS: That I don't want the entire world to collapse? Do you like, get climate change, Chuck? Also, the Green New Deal will create 20 million jobs. You can work in sustainable energy and still have a good-paying job.

TODD: Senator Klobuchar, you don't really mind fracking, right?

KLOBUCHAR: Yeah, we can get to carbon neutral eventually. No rush!

WARREN: I wanna reiterate that the Green New Deal will create jobs. We need infrastructure, we need manufacturing-

TODD: But what if we stop fracking and everyone loses their jobs and they're on unemployment for years and then they die? What if we can't employ people in renewable energy until 2050 for some reason?

WARREN: We can have those jobs now.

HUAC: Vice President Biden, you said you might put oil and gas executives in jail. Which companies are you talking about?

BIDEN: I'm going to go far. I'm going to eliminate subsidies and help the minority communities affected by climate change. I have a plan. And it will change -- look, my point is, and here's my point, before my time runs out, my point. My point is that I know about international relations and I will get them to up the ante in a big way.

HAUC: You didn't answer the questions.

BIDEN: I thought I did.

HAUC: Nope.

TODD: Mayor Bloomberg, are you a fan of red-lining?

BLOOMBERG: I am the only here that started a business.

TODD: Okay? You said that stopping red-lining has somehow contributed to the financial crisis, can you speak to that?

BLOOMBERG: No. I did not say that. That is wrong.

TODD: Would you like to clarify what you meant then?

BLOOMBERG: I have always been against red-lining. I hate red-lining. Red-lining is my least favorite thing. I don't think it is cute or sexy at all and I don't wear a t-shirt underneath all my clothing that says "I love red-lining" or even own hand-embroidered pillows with sonnets I've composed for red-lining, because I do not like red-lining even a little bit. Some people practice red-lining, and I'm just like "cut it out!" I think the main point is that I'm the only one that's ever started a business. Is that fair? Is it? Hello?? Okay. The point is that we need to teach young businesspeople how to start banks.

TODD: Senator Klobuchar, Senator Sanders one time said on twitter that billionaires should not exist. What do you think?

KLOBUCHAR: I like capitalism. We should just regulate it. But also a few people should be able to hoard the wealth of half the country and I think that's fine.

TODD: Senator Sanders, do you think we should systematically drag rich people out of their homes and publicly execute them in the town square and do weird things with their entrails? Do you have a fetish related to murdering rich people?

BERNIE: No...I just think that there's something wrong with half a million people sleeping on the street while Mike Bloomberg owns more wealth than the bottom 125 million Americans.

TODD: Mayor Bloomberg, do you think your mother should have aborted you so that you never existed?

BLOOMBERG: Billionaires' lives matter. I've made a lot of money and given it all away to make the world better.

TODD: Should you have more wealth than 125 million people combined?

BLOOMBERG: Yeah, of course. Unlike most Americans I actually work up to 40 hours a week. That's a lot of hours of work. I deserve every cent.

JACKSON: Mayor Buttigieg, Senator Sanders thinks that workers should have some ownership over the profits of their own labor. Is that like the most effed up thing you've ever heard or what?

BUTTIGIEG: Stop forcing corporations to do things that they don't want to do. They're people too. And you know, I'm the only person who's not a millionaire and I represent all working-class people.

BERNIE: I just think that workers should be making money from their own work. Bloomberg, do you think your workers played no role in making all that money? Workers should share the benefits and have some agency in what happens in their lives.

BLOOMBERG: Having a more equal distribution of wealth in this country will appeal to absolutely no one. That's absurd. The only alternative to capitalism is the specific way that communism played out in Soviet Russia. Communism clearly didn't work and capitalism clearly does work, as evidenced by the way a few billionaires have benefited from it at the expense of the rest of the country. Literally no one wants anything to change.

HOLT: Senator Sanders, it's true that socialism makes a lot of people uncomfy. Most people are all like "ack!" Ya know? In the polls?

BERNIE: The polls show me winning. So no, I don't know. And let's go over a very basic concept that you could understand in one google search. Democratic socialism is not the same thing as communism. And we sort of have socialism right now, but just for the very rich, and rugged individualism for the poor. We have to subsidize Walmart workers who are on Medicaid and food stamps because they get starvation wages. We need a government that works for people besides Bloomberg.

HOLT: But what about how socialism makes me uncomfy?

BLOOMBERG: HE OWNS A CABIN!! BERNIE OWNS A CABIN!!!!

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

JACKSON: Mayor Buttigieg, why is Mayor Bloomberg's money a problem?

BUTTIGIEG: Oh, it's actually mostly just who he is as a person and his values and his personality and everything he represents and everything he has said or done.

TODD: Okay, we're almost done, so last question. Should the person with the most votes become the nominee?

SANDERS: Yes...???

BLOOMBERG: No.

WARREN: Nada.

BIDEN: Nopedy nope.

BUTTIGIEG: No siree.

KLOBUCHAR: Nah.

HOLT: Alright! Thanks, folks! That's all for now! Bye bye!